Dragon Friends - #6.09. The World's Sturdiest Chode

Episode Date: June 11, 2020

With the facade of the Grundle School falling to ash in front of them, The Dragon Friends are now faced with a dire choice - who will reunite the disparate halves of the resistance at long last. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just one thing to be mindful of this record is can we really try to not drift off and be on anything else? A really good example of that was during this warm-up. I was drawing a snail and um It's so good! For fuck's sake! Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah Way back when, he runs his papa's company The Dark Lord's tribes are very naughty, man The life of hope we call the Dragon Friend Fire burns bright in the hidden downstairs salon of the Grundle School. All around you, vampiric spawns self-immolate and burn,

screeching inhuman sounds of panic and fury. The cause of their demise? One Eleanor Grundle, one-time spy of mythic renown and principal of this school for wayward ladies. Miss Grundle cuts an imposing figure as she stands amidst a tide of panicking and fleeing human patrons while surveying the carnage she has wrought on the vampires before her. Lord Silas of the Ebon Blade and his flunkies are dead, peppered with stakes and scorched by the fires of an artificial sun, but Grundle

is not done yet. By now the room is empty, those few innocents that were present fleeing into the night. Wake up the girls, head to the drop points and grab the girl bags. Emergency plan taffeta. I want this entire school empty within the hour.

There is a flurry of competent commotion as the prefects quickly follow their instructions, breaking down the salon, dragging away bodies, and even starting to douse the room in oil. While they work, Grundle spins around. Her tone is measured, but White Fury dances in her eyes as she turns to the four of you. And you.

Since you wanted to talk so much, come with me. Perhaps it's time we had a little chat. Just so we're clear, I was only pretending to be a vampire before. I'm not really a vampire. It seems you're anti-vampire and so am I. To be clear, I'd like to remind you that Lanshield Banknote's chin, lips, and teeth are stained with human blood.

Oh. I know how this looks. I was mostly drinking it. Um, do not be rude to your waitstaff. I was going to let this go, but you just said mostly. What's the other bit? Well, I mean, you know, you always want to try something new, don you just said mostly. What's the other bit? Well, I mean, you know, you always want to try something new, don't you?

Have you ever tried it? It's quite tasty. Oh, no. We have not tried it, but we have certainly handed it out. Have you ever heard the saying, now he has a taste for blood? Well, that sort of describes what I'm going through right now. Anyway, let's keep going. Dave, Baston wants to go

and look at Silas's dead vampire body. Okay, great. Oh yeah, what's the deal here? Is it like crumble to ash, turning to goop, becomes a skeleton? So vampires, these vampires were scorched by magical sunlight from a kind of magical defense system that Miss Grundle had.

So they sparkled. Much like Robert Pattinson's career. But they are scorched and burnt, and their bodies shriveled and twisted like desiccated cadavers. But they are still around. And you pull out of his gowns and fine shirts and pouches, because Silas was impressively dressed. You pull out a few items if you're having a search.

Yes, please. You get the chain that has a small key that opens the dagger case that you found. Yes, Petrina Colliana's dagger, yes. You also have the iron ring that he took from Lion Shield banknote, which you can have. I think I have that. I think I took that back when I ran away. Okay, great.

So you have it. And you can get also his small notebook that you saw as well. Oh, I like to read other people's diaries. Yes, please. So you grab that as well while you're doing that the room is now ankle deep in oil and you see that um miss grundle who had said come with me has in the manner of an actor in the west wing walked to a corridor but unfortunately with none of you stopping like to follow her she sort of exasperatedly turns around again. I was doing...

Are you coming or not? I mean, you are coming. You're coming. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I've already lost a year's work thanks to you idiots. And she says that she's walking upstairs through the kitchens

and you can see that the school is in organised disarray. There are bleary-eyed junior girls from the younger years of the school looking around with panic on their faces while older girls very competently pull artworks and pry up boards in the floor moving carpets aside finding secret caches all over the school that are full of duffel bags material sacks and they're sorting everything as they call the girls into order and inventory. What kind of operation are you running here? Sorry for interrupting you earlier.

I just had a thought as you said something. You had a thought? That sounds unlikely. Wait, you don't know me? Actually, I don't. Who are you? I'm Phil. You are you? I'm Filch. You're still dressed in school clothes of Switchfire House, but

she identifies you as not a student. Listen, that fool Silas over there was in the black for 20,000 dragons. I'm going to stop you there, man. I believe the phrase is in the red. Oh, well. If you're in the black.

Fuck you. I have to put my bookie. Oh, my gosh. If you're in the black, I think you're positive. If you're in the black of 20,000, you're having a wonderful. Dave, I'm literally reading your notes. These are your notes. I've never seen these notes before in my life.

I've never written a note in my life. Is there a rhyme to remember it? Because I always forget that as well. In the red, they'll come make you dead. In the black, well, get in the sack. Wait, that doesn't help. That'll stick for sure. Oh, yeah, I see what you're reading in my notes.

Yeah, that fool Silas, as you were, Ben, you idiot. That fool Silas over there was in the red. Now, you know the rhyme, right? In the red, you'll end up dead. In the black, get in the sack. Well, he was in the red. Now, you know the rhyme, right? In the red, you'll end up dead. In the black, get in the sack. Well, he was in the bad one for 20,000 dragons, and he was ready to betray everybody to get to square one with me. But now the idiot's dead and in my own house,

which means this whole operation will have to be shut down. Sorry, is square one in the red or in the black? It's the squares. it's a different system. Okay, so how do the squares relate to the colors? Okay, so the... Yeah, was he getting square with you or was he getting back to square one with you? My question is, who is Taffeta?

So, as you say that, the sirens continue to... Sirens start to blare inside the school as the girls continue to file out into one of the other sub-basements. By now, Miss Grundle is taking you out the doors of the school and into the courtyard as she marches with determination in her eyes towards the front gates, with you, presumably dragon friend, still trailing in her wake. Are we slipping and sliding because our feet are so oily?

That's extremely Mr. Panky. Don't make me make you roll dexterity checks. Tell you what, if something happens, if you get into a combat situation where this matters because you've reminded me, Simon, then yeah, we'll say that there'll be some slippery checks. What kind of work were you doing here for the last year? Really?

I just... Resistance work? Have you ever heard of a honeypot? You weren't clear. To be fair, that's not an unreasonable question. They were told that you had retired. That Miss Grundle had... Who told you that?

Was it the fool? Was it the fool in the beggar court? You know what I call him? I call him... I call him Dickhead. Is that a pun on Janice Muir? It's a pun. You have to go through my language that I speak. Several steps, I imagine. And then he's Dickhead. He's a dickhead.

Right. Oh, because we were under the impression that you had gone rogue and that you weren't really part of the resistance Did you ever think that there are more ways To serve the resistance than playing soldiers Like Lofty's little rabble Who's Lofty Oh my god

Okay I think Lofty's Lothario Oh yes Right I had a mission here to perform One that Banknote himself, who I understand is your uncle or something? Oh, he's actually my father, yes.

Well, I'd check that. Anyway, he and I set this up well before he disappeared. Not that any of it matters anymore. Sorry, why did you say the initials? I don't know, just look into it. She's like, I've met the man. I've worked closely with him for many years. Very closely with him.

You don't think we're the same? You don't think we're the same? No, I'm just saying. I mean, it's just a conversation you could have. I've seen him in battle. I've seen him in study. Who would I ask about this now? Because my understanding is he's also missing.

Well, I mean, yeah, I don't know. because my understanding is he's also missing. Well, I mean, yeah, I don't know. I'm just saying I've had very intimate sort of relations with this man and it surprises me that... How intimate are we talking, girlfriend? Oh, sex? Like dick stuff? Alex, does Phil go into a rage of sorts now?

A jealous rage. Yeah, a jealous one. How do jealous inside rages work, Dave? Usually you bottle them up for a long time and then you have too many beers at a party and you say something you regret. So put that down on your sheet. Why didn't you think about telling anybody else about your secret quest then?

I can't trust anybody. Not Mia, not Lofty. The only man I trust is Banknote, who's probably like your great aunt. Or maybe just a family friend. And as she says that, she walks through the gates and she looks up and you can see above the gates there is a metal effigy of a gargoyle scowling out into the street and she looks at you bobby and she says you little one get that for me will you yeah little one yeah well begrudgingly i uh scale it um water gargoyle. Cool. Yeah, that's... 14's enough. 14? So, Bobby hops up onto the gate,

and you realize that it's simply held there with a clasp that you can open, and you pull down this surprisingly heavy lead and iron gargoyle. And as you do that, high up as you are, you suddenly spot from your vantage point that there are three figures watching you.

Two of them wearing the dark robes of the Judicators, the judges that now run the city of Waterdeep, and another one wearing a ridiculous gothic pea coat and a very, very fluffy lacy blouse. So, like, an almost high-backed blouse? It's incredibly high-backed. There's architecture all... High-necked as well, though?

If you could imagine Gothic fashion seen through the prism of the popular website Wish and then brought back to you. That's kind of what it looks like. It's ridiculous. Very evocative. And these folks are, like, on a higher level? They're on a rooftop?

No, they're just on the streets, but Bobby can see it because he's gone through the gates. And as they do, one of them points at you and the three of them march towards you. Uh-oh. I'm going to shimmy down, but I'll put a message in, use message to grundle

and just say, we've got company. There's some officials heading this way. She must notice something because she looks in your direction and gives a curt nod and then very quickly

comports herself as two judicators, the two judicators walk around the corner into the courtyard. Oh my God, my school, my beautiful, legitimate school is on fire. Judicators, you arrived just in time. None of that, thank you, citizen.

This is your school, is it? Yes, where we do classes and macrame and music, recorders, we put on plays. What's some other school stuff? Here's a student. You tell her. Well, what don't we do is more of the question here at the Eleanor Grundle School for Learning.

First of all... It says wayward ladies right there on the sign above your head oh that's the nickname we call it we call it grandy's learning emporium for all the learning that's not the nickname you just said to me that's a different nickname how many of these people are just three there's two of them keeping a distance is the Flunky, who you now realise was one of the guests at the... One of the more humanoid guests that was at the downstairs salon. We learn to paint at Grundle's and we learn to sing at Grundle's.

Before you burst into song, I'm going to ask you to just make a quick deception check for me. 90. The stern one that I was doing the voice for is still a little bit unsure, but the adjudicator next to him, who has a slightly friendlier face, seems suddenly a bit unsure about what's happening.

Well, gosh, I mean, we did get a tip, but maybe this is a school after all. Brandon, what are you talking about? We've had this school under observation for months now. I know the theory. I know the theory, mate. She's the velvet starling. She's the missing spy.

I'm looking at a nice middle-aged lady with a student here who says she loves to sing and paint. We learn why birds sing at Grundle's and we learn why bees sting at Grundle's and we learn how to share at Grundle's and we learn why tabberries at Grundle's. Bobby's going to make a dash for the stern one and stab him. With advantage. Sorry, did you just say you learn what a bear is at Grendel's? Yeah.

How to share and what a bear is. With advantage, make an attack for me. A sneak attack because this is technically one way that you can help a rogue get the sneak attack, I guess, singing an improvised song. Well, that's a 27. All right. Full sneak attack damage. So what does that mean? I get extra...

It means you add your sneak attack to it. Oh, I don't even know what that is. Oh, my God. Come on, Simon. Oh, my literal God. Where do I find that? What? In action? You're going to add 3d6. Come on, Simon. Oh, my literal God. Where do I find that? What? In action? You're going to add 3D6.

Add 3D6. 3D6? What? Are you fucking kidding me? That's huge. How do I? Wowee. Okay.

Three extra D6. Okay. Yeah. Oh, no. Ooh, chocolate. Sorry, guys. So what time of day is it, Dave? It's late night.

Okay, so we can do some sweet killing in these streets. No problems. I mean, you already are, so it's kind of a little too late to be talking about what you could be doing right now. Baston's going to kick some butt. Yep, it was the soonest Simon gets the sneak attack in. 29 damage uh bobby lunges forward and

stabs the guard in the neck who tries to call out clutching with a trembling hand a whistle to his lips but by the time he brings it to his lips his vocal cords are so ruined that no sound emanates out blood bubbles from his neck as he falls to the ground, dead, while the other kind... Brandon's like... Yeah, whose name is Brandon. He's like, Steve, you may have had a point. I don't think this is legitimate school. But having said that, Baston, it's your turn.

I'm going to spend a key point to do Flurry of Blows on the person with the high-backed thing. With advantage because this is still chaos. What's their armor cost? 13. Two. Three hits doing 16 points of damage. All right, Brandon screams in pain,

and the next one up is Lion Shield. No, no, no, that was the witness that they were attacking. You were attacking the witness? The high-backed one. Yeah. Oh, the level zero civilian. Okay, dead. Yeah, Baston don't take the tattletales.

Incredibly dead. Yeah, for tattletaling. You punch his head off. I want to say that for this civilian, going to this vampire-themed bar was like, it was basically like that, doing that tonight or going to an escape room. I think that civilian had a lot of friends

who were like, you need to get out there ever since Cindy left you. You've just been in a home. Tonight we're going to have an amazing night. We're going to go out like we used to go out. I don't know. When Cindy left him, did he become a snitch? That's why Cindy left him.

Maybe Cindy made the right choice. And you're calling him a snitch, let's be fair, because he went to a cabaret where everyone who was there was murdered and he ran out and told a cop. And I know working with the law enforcement, particularly at the moment, now that I say it, maybe he is. Yeah, man. Snitches get stitches in the face.

Okay, Lion Shield Banknote, you're up. So it's Brandon and Steve are the other two at the front? It's just Brandon now. Steve's dead? Steve's very dead. Well, Brandon, I hate to do this.

It seems like you are somewhat hemmed in here. Please. He's backing off. Make an intimidation check for me. Because he's backing off. I'm trying to shake his hand. Make a persuasion check for me. Or a deception, whichever you would prefer.

I'm going to go with persuasion. Ooh, that is a one. Plus six. But it is one. You say, please, let me shake your hand. And as you do, a slight malfunction in your artificers, I assume electronic hand buzzer misfires no dave i was actually gonna i wasn't gonna use that i was just gonna do a regular handshake and um i hadn't said

i was gonna use the the shocking one so the misfire was i was shaking with the other hand today what happens when you're all the way are you are you suggesting are you trying to now retroactively does okay so so what happens then? Something goes so wrong, something is a critical fail about you trying to make a benign handshake, and that's fine. I will let you do that, Hing, but you have to do something so wrong that it is obviously a failure. No, that's understandable, Dave.

I just accidentally go shake his hand because I genuinely meant to do that, and you can't prove I didn't genuinely mean to do that. The way I fail that is by punching him in the face. Dave? I think you have to punch yourself in the dick.

That sounds fair. I was going to say, alright, I'll punch him in the face if I get to punch, I'll punch myself in the dick if I That's fair, that's fair, that's allowed. It's a good compromise. I mean, that's a handshake gone wrong. In many ways. Ricocheting off someone's face into

your own dick. Make for me first... Make for me, I hang, if you can, a strength attack. Tex Avery himself couldn't imagine it. Oh, that is a 20. That's going to be bad to him, but it's going to be worse

for you. With a critical hit.'m on the nat 20 My modifier is negative one at that, doesn't he? My question is, in your own nuts Is a 20 a direct hit or is it a graze? Because the graze could really be Well, this is the thing that I'm thinking, right? So, let's stick with the artifice

Of Hing's feeble lie for a second and say that all he intended to do was to shake this person's hand. At the last minute, he panics and punches a critical hit on the guard's face, which is, what's your strength modifier? Negative one. Okay, which is one hit point of damage. What's your strength modifier? Negative one.

Okay, which is one hit point of damage. Before it ricochets off and punches, and somehow punches himself in the penis. Lion Shield goes down on his knees, screaming in pain. Because it's a critical fail, can you shout something like right in the penis? Yeah. Right in the penis? Yeah. Oh, right in the penis.

It only deals one hit point of damage to you, Banknote, but you are poisoned for the next minute as a result. What? Well, I mean, I have a limited repertoire of tools to use. The poison, which means disadvantage for all combat, we are going to treat as the condition of whamming yourself in the nuts. Literally as hard as you can. It's not canonical, Dave, that Lanchel Banknote's testicles

have poison in them that was Russian? It is sacks. Okay, the next one up is eleanor grundle oh um brandon was it brandon it sounded like it was brandon he's he's a bit flustered because someone's just punched him in the face and then seemingly punched themselves in the dick and fallen over screaming in pain oh no my penis so you found a moment i guess in the fight that has this has created a lull can i can i try disadvantage sorry can i try intimidation with advantage under these circumstances oh yeah i think that's terrifying what just happened

listen here brandon you seem nice i nice. I like what I see. I've known you for like a minute and it seems good. You seem like a smart boy. What I'd do in this situation, do you know, is I'd go home. Do you have something on? Something you want to do? Yeah, just go home. Make an intimidation check.

Plus three. Three. That's a hot... Thirteen plus sixteen. Sixteen. Okay. check plus three that's a hot 13 plus 16 16 okay brandon starts stepping back going who are you maniacs what did you do to steve as he walks back further and further up the street um and then looking at you all he has a moment of lucidity and he grabs around his own neck his whistle and he blows a belting, piercing shriek as there's a sound of a whistle and then you hear whistles on streets around you as he runs up the street away from you and the street is temporarily clear.

But coming pretty soon are the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins. You can only assume that he was secretly a member of the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins. You can only assume that he was secretly a member of the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins. Quick, into this chalk drawing. Everybody, after me. Is there a sewer or something we can get into? That's your solution to everything, Aidan. Go and get in the sewer.

You know what? Eat some pizza. You know what, actually? Totally. Look at my dad, the rat. Irritating. I'm not even going to make you roll for it everything Aiden you know what eat some pizza you know what actually totally I can't irritate my dad the rat irritating I'm not

even gonna make you roll for it because yes there is a sewer nearby that was written into the notes so there's there's a manhole cover

oh cool um all right um Bobby you go in first strength check whoever's opening it I'll I'll pull off the manhole cover

you're gonna pull off the manhole cover. You're going to pull off the manhole cover? Yeah, the whole, I'm just pulling the sewer out of the whole tube of the sewer. So you're going to take the manhole cover and you're going to pull it off. Well, are you doing a wanking joke, David? Everyone else is allowed to do wanking jokes. I want to do

one wanking, I heard a wanking joke, nobody else picked it up, and I'm allowed to do one wanking joke. It's not me that wants to have sex with a sewer. It's Eden. I think... Are you okay, Dave? Now Duff pretends too much. I've been in isolation for months.

I mean, we all have, Dave. We all have. No one else here is accusing Eden of wanting to fuck a manhole cover. It just seems like COVID's hit worse for some of us than for others, it appears.

Also, also practically, how would you do that? It is like the world's like toughest chode to jerk. Oh, I see. I had a thought.

Should I say? I'll stop playing piano for a while. I had a thought of a manhole. Tom, Tom, so do you have any insight on how to jerk off

a manhole cover? No, pull it off. any insight on how to jerk off a manhole cover? No, pull it off. How long do we have? Is it different? Is pulling it off and jerking it off different? I think they're acceptable. I don't think that's the problem, David. I think the issue here isn't the physics of the manhole cover

and the jerking of it off. The real problem here is your obsession with Eden trying to wank off a piece of city property. It's not even phallic, Dave. A manhole cover is not even phallic. It's the world's sturdiest chode. It's a

flat disc. It's barely a chode. Look, yes, we'd all love to watch Eden jerk off a frisbee. We'd all love to watch Eden jerk off a frisbee. We'd all love to watch Eden jerk off a shallot pancake. But unfortunately, unfortunately, we can't, Dave, because this is a professional environment. What did you roll, Eden?

We have a magical adventure to get on with. Eden, what the fuck did you roll? I got a 16. All right. Nimble fingers stroking the side, working it delicately like a lover. Best one is able to slowly, gently, discreetly, seductively even, unscrew the manhole cover, flinging it to the side, spent and used like a piece of municipal property.

Quickly issuing for the rest of the dragon friends to duck inside. You have your opportunity to escape. Or you can stay here outside of the manhole cover and die at the judicator's hands. It's entirely up to you. What would happen if we did that, Dave? That would really put you in a bit of a pickle. No, it wouldn't put me in a pickle.

I've been looking to get out of this podcast for fucking four years. Stay and see what happens. They just won't die. I mean, how many, like, honestly, if we just decided this was going to be the last episode of Dragon Friends, how many adjudicator types do you reckon we could kill before we went down?

Okay, you haven't gone, so at that point, the whistles coalesce. Can you imagine adjudicators are, like, debating adjudicators, Hing? Because you could kill a lot of them. I imagine, yeah, a lot of them are really interested in the argument. Hang on. Baston jumps down the manhole. Baston jumps down the manhole. At that point, six adjudicators appear at the edge of the street.

One of them sees you, points and shouts, get them. Step in time. Step in time. Bill, you're up next. I'm going to grab Grundle. Yep. And I'm going to jump down the manhole with her. Okay, great.

So the two of you also make your way down the manhole, cover. The next one up is Bobby Pancakes. I'm going to shoot one crossbow at them, which is a 15. Hits. And that gets a 7 point of damage. And then I'm going to jump down. Alright.

Leaving, I suppose, Light Shield Banknote. Manhole behind him. Six Judicators in front of him. What he do um gonna cast a little thing called grease day that's good yeah you're gonna cast the grease spell gonna cast a grease spell it's automatic um it's systematic Is that one of them? Or am I thinking of races? It's problematic. I agree.

It's lightning. We spell it like the country. Anyway. All right. Pulling out a small tub of pork rind from your pocket, you throw it down on the ground and give it a blast with one of your artificer invocator gauntlets. As it activates and a sheeny pal appears over the street. And all of the racing judicators are suddenly flinging to their hands and feet trying to keep their balance.

And then I'm going to go down the manhole cover. All'm gonna go down the manhole cover all right racing down the manhole cover as well wait you're gonna go down on the manhole yeah fucking different rules ah it's just a popularity contest with you people isn't it oh we have to be back in a theater soon because we cannot keep doing this down in the sewers uh all of you regroup as eleanor grundle pulls out a small tinderbox from somewhere in the ruffles of her high-backed dress and sparks a flame, lighting it to a small Bunsen torch that she also produces as she looks down the sewers.

And as she does, she holds her hand up and she says, Someone's coming. Stealth. I want to hide. Okay, you're making... Yep, I'll roll for you. That's fine. You're sneaking into stealth as everybody hides. Eleanor Grundle holds her ground and around the corner appears three figures wearing long hooded capes.

And one of them pulls back his hood to reveal the face of Lothario Winswept III. Oh. Seems like you're in a spot of bother, Eleanor. Come with me. Now what you've done there, Ben, is you're going to have to have a conversation with yourself. Well, you can decide if she wants to come or not.

She seems suddenly chatty. She seems suddenly chatty. Were you behind sending these four idiots into my school? And then he says... We'll let you two catch up. We don't want to interrupt. Eleanor, we can deal with who did what later, but for now, I think we need to go.

Agreed, my different-sounding-voiced friend. Quick, where do they follow? Okay. Where they follow? We follow? We follow them? Where do they go? Do we want to follow? Grundle is going to follow Lothario. I've been...

Lothario goes on to say, I've been sent here. General Samir told me that there were problems at the Grundle School. Strange to see you still here and about in the city. We could have used your help for the last six months, but what of it? Anyway.

Okay, you little tiny idiot man. If we're going to do this here, then maybe I could say that we could have used your help not being a huge fuck-up. No one here is a fuck-up. Come on. He's just kind of annoying. Let's all kiss and make up.

Annoying? I have found you here. I have worked out where you were. I have found a route through the sewers that will take you back to the big... This is what I'm talking about. Oh, you found us? Amazing. How did you do that?

I was outside my own school. So, well done Stop bickering Google Maps The two of you Stop bickering You know it must be really easy Finding your way outside your school

When all you're doing Is being a principal I mean plenty of geography classes There to work on and so forth Oh you don't even understand What's going on do you You stupid prick And she finds some poo

And throws it at him Because they're in the Poo fight No no no No kids Stop it Gast because they're in this poo fight. Poo fight! No, no, no, no, kids. Stop it. Gaston gets in a poo fight. No, everybody, please stop throwing poo everywhere.

All right. Stop, all of you. Listen, I know that we've had our differences, Eleanor, but I have been sent here by Janos Myr. I am here for a reason. He is out of his sickbed. He is back on his feet and all of us, you,

myself, Bastion and Darius here and the four of you are summoned. This is our moment, do you understand? A time for us to make things right. Can you not feel it? The winds of change in the air. Oh, I forgot you did this thing. The beginnings of something.

We'll go, we'll go, we'll go. It's fine, yes. Okay, well, it's just right down here. I was getting into that. All right, well, fine, fine. Stirring stuff. And so, as you make your way to the Beggar's Court, you discover in a decrepit old office,

one where you have met Janos Meir many times again, he is back indeed on his feet, now in a magnificent, musty, brocaded, old dressing gown, walking with a stick, but back under his own power as he waits for the four of you to enter, plus Lofty, plus Eleanor, plus that pucky leader of Cell 17 who just can't seem to quit, Bobson Dugnut, who is waiting, especially excited to see the four of you.

Oh, gosh, guys, you'll just never believe what I just came back from doing. It was fucking crazy. Why are you covered in poo? What's going on there? Bathed on. Poo fight. Poo fight.

Poo fight. Classic poo fight. I mean, if everybody's covered in poo fight, if everybody's covered in poo, that does suggest that after I did that segue, the poo fight continued. Respectfully. Just a cheeky poo fight. If tension's mounting the sewers, you know, it's going to be a poo fight.

There's nothing you can do about that. What have you been up to? What have you been up to? Something so crazy, you say? Oh, look, I'll tell you guys about it later, but I think Janice wants a bit of a chinwag. Yes, if you don't mind, perhaps we could all get down to business, Bob, and shut the door.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well done. Is this a door that shuts with a sliding, or does it... You know what? I can figure it out. It's fine. I've used the door before. Right.

I'm going to get down to business. It closes from pushing it toward the jam. You have been in this office many times. It's just an exciting thing to discover that you didn't know that you knew. Eleanor, Lothario, Pancakes, Bastogne, Banknote, Filge. The resistance has been in a right mess since your father disappeared and it's the fault of these two as much as any. We can fight amongst ourselves, disappear into the night in our own

little pacamani missions, and die one by one, or we can work together. Now, I know that all of you have said that you think that I'm going to replace Banknote, but the fact of the matter is, I have no bloody interest, okay? I'm more of a, how you say, intermediary management. Top level management has never been quite my thing. I'll do it.

Are you looking for someone to replace Banknote? It's Lion Shield, is it? Or Tim. Sometimes I'm going by Tim If you want someone to take the place of Bagnote I mean, I've already got the last name You won't need to redo all the signs

That's going to save you some money, isn't it? My concern, my son I'm going to do a persuasion check, Dave Come on, persuasion What do I need? What do you need to convince Janos Myr, the beggar king of Waterdeep, to let you take over the Sword Coast revolution,

the resistance against Strahd? Yeah. You need a 23. Okay. Come on, 23. 23. 14 plus 6 is 20. Oh, fuck.

The problem, Tim, that you should have understood by now is that this resistance is bigger than any of us. It relies on the movement of powerful masses, human and humanoid. Is it bigger than a whale? I'm sorry, what was your name? It's Bankno. No, Baston. Baston and Druvich, you said it was bigger

than us, but I just want to know if it's bigger than a whale. How big is it? I believe you could say it's bigger than a... Look, I'm losing my train of thought here. Sorry. The point of... It's bigger than any whale. You were saying it was bigger than a whale. Sorry.

Of course it's bigger than any whale. Okay, now I'm losing the room. And then Eleanor's like, you stupid little man. It's not about being bigger than a whale. In fact, it's probably smaller than a whale. It's the tiniest, most mighty of mice. Yeah, do me a favor. Do what Pancake says and shut up, both of you.

This is your problem as much as any. Lofty, you went gallivanting off to Daggerford, got yourself kidnapped. Eleanor, running some kind of school, not telling me. I'm just sick of all this fucking noise. If you've got something to say, say it. You got us all here. Come on. Well, as I said before the whales, before the volunteering of leadership, etc., etc., we stand on the precipice of complete failure with this resistance.

Your gentles, your commons, not working together, fighting with each other with the two of you disappeared. I say that ends tonight. I have the six people that I trust in this room. You four dragon idiots. You two resistance idiots okay well there's no need for that and bobson i suppose bobson's just outside the room i kind of trust him as well but he's not really part of the car you're just gonna hold you're just gonna hold the door closed from outside i didn't want to make a loud noise when the latch hit so i'm just sort of holding it

you stay there the six of us are going to decide who rules the resistance. We're going to decide that tonight. Whoever you don't decide takes a long, short trip to a long, short boat. What? What? What? What? Yeah, what?

What? Is that not an expression? A medium. Do you mean a medium trip to a medium boat? Or is the trip is short, but for a short trip, it's quite long. Is that what you're saying? A short trip in a long boat? It's a short trip in actuality.

It's a long trip for pride. No, you said a long, short trip. A long, short, yes. So there was a concept there, but never mind. You're going to take a walk to the harbour where a ship is waiting for you, and it's going to take you away Now Is the ship bigger than a whale?

Well, it doesn't matter Look, you know what? All of you seem to have this resistance Pretty much under wraps So I'm just going to leave How about that? Wait, Janos Why are you sending off the head of the resistance?

The gentles will never serve the commons The commons will never serve the gentles. You understand? We've gone too far forward. Lothario will never be respected by Eleanor's faction and Eleanor will never be respected by Lothario's faction

while the other stays in the city. Lothario, Eleanor, is this the truth? They're kind of glowering at each other. Yes. Well, it seems so. And Bobson's like, I just want to clarify, because I think there was some confusion. The person who's not leading the resistance

gets on the short, long, medium boat, not the person who will be. So it's sort of the runner-up prizes you're fired if you've seen the Glen Gary, Glen Roth play. But if either of these two leave the city, then don't we lose their personnel, essentially, as well? If they... No, that is why they are going to write, right now, at my desk,

a proclamation swearing everlasting allegiance to the one that stays. Oh, right. You're looking for a leader for the'm looking for one. For the resistance. That is correct. And because they can't decide it, I'm going to let... Make it Filch. I'm sorry, what? Make it Filch.

Filch would be good. She has a good track record. Yeah, you want to see me measurement? Three times. Who's her faction? She unites all factions. As much as me appreciate the recommendation, my dear friend Bobby,

me feel as though a moment such as this needs more than a person. Me feel it needs an idea. An idea that unites people. Much like in the Asian countries high in the mountains where a tiny little child becomes a godlike figure. You're suggesting yourself as the Dalai Lama of the resistance? I'm suggesting a Dalai Lama type. Something that the gentles and the commons can equally lay claim to.

Very interesting. Make a persuasion check for me, Felch. I also... Oh, okay. Oh, no. very interesting make a persuasion check for me filch um i also oh oh okay oh no i don't really have an idea well you're persuading people so oh and unfortunately i got a 20 you know natural 20 you're not half wrong an idea is more powerful than a leader particularly and he sort of glares at grundle and swifty and lofty and he goes when this is what's on offer what exactly are you thinking of and and swift is and and and my fault lofty and lofty's like i'm sorry i really did think this was sort of a thing between me and eleanor. I don't know why we're bringing in a third. And Eleanor's like, yeah, I mean, we can work together if it's not.

Like, I'm just saying. No, no, no. I want to hear what this idea is about some kind of idea. I want to hear what this idea is about an idea. A newborn babe raised by both. She rolled 20, Ben. Let's hear Alex out. We're powerless.

So you say a newborn babe? Hang on, I'm writing this down. And Mia pulls out a notepad. Raised by both Lothario and Gondor. And also wolves. Wait, oh, wolves. We're bringing wolves into the picture? Yes.

I'll look into it. Wait, oh, wolves. We're bringing wolves into the picture? Yes. I'll look into it. Okay, so. You know, something that, you know, because Strahd, it's the thing Strahd fears most of all is new life. Because he is made of death. Death. I was going to say death, everyone. I got that.

Good work. Thank you. So, you know, all Thank you So you know All And you know You can Keep the baby And you're gonna raise it together And that will teach you

To how to work together Because you've got some stuff To work out And The baby can be the symbol Of the revolution And all the Both what do commons

And gentles Have in common What They All Want to protect babies. A baby king. I offer you a baby king.

Where? You'll have to find one. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't play coy with me. No one comes to a meeting like this with a plan like that unless they know exactly who they're thinking of to be. Who will be our baby king of the resistance? with a plan like that unless they know exactly who they're thinking of to be. Who will be our baby king of the resistance,

child of both Grundle and Lofty? And Baston holds up his hand across Bobby's face and he's like, Bobby kind of looks like a baby. Bobby does kind of look like a baby. If you took the mustache off him, he looks just like a baby. If we hold him down and shave his moustache, he's going to look like a baby. The reason I have it is... Everybody, grab Bobby.

Okay, wait, no, wait. Actually, yes, shave him. Put him in a nappy. Make him say things like Google and Gaga. And Grendel's like, yes, this could work. This absolutely is going to work. I have a beard. You're right.

We're going to have to shave the beard. That's true. I've got some nappies in here. I'm not wearing it. I'm not wearing it. Now, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to call a meeting of all of the cell leaders and all of the resistance that we still trust here in the city, and we are going to present the baby king to them

as their new leaders. Lothario Grundle, you are going to act like you have fallen in love and married and produced a child, presumably one to two years ago who will now lead us? Am I getting that right, Filch? It sounded like a better plan when you said it. This is foolproof.

Foolproof. Don't you have any street babies? Can't you get one from the street? It has to be Bobby. I've decided it has to be Bobby. Bobby, just imagine. We can dress you up in a nappy and hold you up in front of the crowd, and then we'll take you home, put you back in people clothes,

and you can be a grown-up too. You can have a secret identity. I will say, Bobby, a bit of advice. Just because you're wearing a nappy doesn't mean you need to use it. Fuck you all. Bobby, now, how do you feel about this? You're baby king. I don't hate baby king as a nickname.

I'll say that straight out. But I do hate this idea. Unfortunately, the king is dead long live the baby king the wolf would have put me at the service of the mega king's court to be clear bobby i only need you to perform this function on for me at this meeting tomorrow and then i suppose if we win in the future at certain civic occasions and festivals. But yes, Bastogne is quite right. You can go about your adventuring

life at other times. It will be our little baby secret. The Wolfen have put me at the service of the beggar king's court. Let's fucking do it. Alright. You call the barber.

You, call the tailor. You, get the biggest nappy imaginable. We're going to make a baby king out of this guy. Yes, and we'll need to give him a giant rattle and a lolly and a bonnet that we can put on his head. That goes without saying. A giant lolly, yes. The lolly's fine. I'm not wearing a bonnet. Oh, wait. The baby king has said no bonnet. Let's respect his wishes. We must respect the wishes of the baby king. When he goos, we's fine. I'm not wearing a bonnet. Oh, wait. The baby king has said no bonnet. Let's respect his wishes.

We must respect the wishes of the baby king. When he goos, we gah. Last thing we want is for this to become some kind of farce. So... Now, while they're preparing all of that, I want you to understand, Lofty and Eleanor, if you're going to pretend to be married to the parents of this baby king, this fight ends tonight.

Do you understand? Kiss. Phyllis is right. I would feel more comfortable if you kissed. Fine. Kiss. Come here. And Eleanor flips Lofty.

Describe the kiss. What kind of kiss is it? A little peck? Ben, this is your character kissing yourself. So, yeah, you can take the reins on this one. I'm going to smooch my hand so you can get the audio of it. I'll smooch my elbow. Hang on.

Ew. Oh, they're really hot. That's what it sounds like. It really went right in there. You didn't need to go at it like that. All right. That was wet. All right, that's that part of this meeting dealt with.

Now, updates. There was another part of the meeting. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just before we go on. I really thought that was going to be the whole thing. This doesn't solve the problem of who actually runs the resistance. Is it me? It's the baby king.

Wait, so I'm in charge of... It's not just a figurehead kind of only when you're holding your ceremonial bonnet and rattle then you're in charge otherwise if lethario and grundle can work it out together as any married couple should uh you know then they can make the decision but But if they need a tie break, then they've got to call on the baby king. Baby king. Yeah, you know how parenting works. The king gets a voice.

And so, as the tailors, customers, costumers, and various infantile industry types of the beggar court flit around creating a vestment lollipop and Raymond suitable for the new baby king the meeting continues in earnest this resistance has been reformed a miracle has found a way that the gentles and the commons can work together again under one unified banner but what can they do how can they stop one such as stride and what purpose shall the Dragon Friends serve for this new regime beyond that of an adorable figurehead for answers to questions such as these?

Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you. Baby King forever. Long live the Baby King. Long live the Baby King. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and me, Simon Greiner. And we're DM'd by Dave Harmon and Ben Jenkins. Dragon Friends is recorded in our homes in this age of isolation.

Shakira Khan produces and designs our website. The podcast is mixed and mastered by Hugh Guest with music this episode by Tom Cardy. Bye. Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle. Bobby Pancakes. He was running with the wolves Where was Beale?

Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah Where's Banknote? He runs his papa's company Dark Lord's tribe He's a very naughty man Finally together The life of hope we call the Dragon Trail That's the kind of thing that I think we really need to kind of nip in the bud.

Well, good work on the snail, Ben. Your snail is all shell. Yeah, it's really fucked, Ben. It's a fair bit of shell. It's fucked. No, no, no. That's not how snails work, Ben. That's not how a snail operates.

It's not a shell. Oh, my God. This is not a shell with a head on top. How does it walk anywhere? Where's the slime? Oh, it's underneath. I think I've seen it. I thought it was a shadow why is this so wrong yeah the

snail's head comes out the front not at the top you need to rotate the snail like 90 degrees okay i'll work on it during the podcast absolutely it's a fucked snail and you should feel bad