Dragon Friends - #6.10. The Wizard, Richard

Episode Date: June 25, 2020

The Resistance is reunited under the miraculous Baby King, but the Dragon Friends' work is far from done. There are many questions and only so many Dragon Friends and time is ticking away. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I will say that like that choice was like one of the first things that Dave and I kind of came up with as like a plot point in this season. I don't think we did a very good job because it ended with a baby. From the talking dog, yeah Where's Banknote? He runs his papa's company The Dark Lord's tribe Is a very naughty man Fire away together The light for hope We call the dragon friend

Agitators, miscreants Those who serve the powers down below Children of the gentles Noble warriors of the commons Hear me, it is I, Janos Myr And Banknote remains at large but let us not dismay my brothers and sisters let us not worry in these troubled times for lothario windswept the third and eleanor grundle have put aside their distances their differences the commotions that lay

between them and in that have found a beautiful kinship. And that kinship has borne fruit, and that fruit is a child in a small nappy and the most beautiful bonnet you have ever seen. And that child will rule this resistance, will take the fight back to stride, and shall bring freedom once again to this sword coast that we love so dear. Lofty Eleanor, show us the baby king. And the two of them hold up, swaddled in a white linen nappy,

holding a loft, a beautiful chromatic lollipop in one hand and a rattle in the other with a cutesy bonnet, swaddled in cloths, pampered in baby powder, and looking incredibly well-shaved and uncomfortable, the figure of Bobby Pancakes as the crowd begins to chant, Baby King. Baby King.

Baby King Baby King Coo coo, ca-caw, ca-coo So he speaks, and so it is so Now go back to the resistance Lay out the posters Recruit more for our cause There is much to do As all of the resistance revolutionaries chant

Baby King one last time and depart out into the sewers as janos mere looks satisfied and then throws a bag containing your clothes back at you bobby and he's like you look ridiculous put these back on and all of you meet me in my office quickly inside his office he's back behind his chair and he goes, that seemed to go quite well. Yeah, look, I don't actually, you know, we put all together in one day. Not everything about the baby king coronation was perfect. I'm not 100% sure why it had to be Bobby.

You know, it was all that thing where, you know, just, you know, a couple of hours into it, I thought, this could just be any baby. That could be one of the street babies that I have, you know. But everyone agreed at the time. Everyone agreed at the time. It had to be Bobby. So Bobby, I respect your fair play to your lad for stepping up and being baby king.

Long may he reign. Why did we all have to wear nappies as well? Well, that's just a consistency thing, isn't it? Plus, I bought them in bulk and they look nice. You're not complaining. Baston said, if you're wearing the nappy, you have to use it.

Bank, no, you said that, didn't you? No, I said the opposite. I said, just because you're wearing a nappy doesn't mean you have to use it. Now, who's used their nappy? Come on. Listen, I don't want to get into who's used their nappy and who hasn't, alright? I have. Alright, well, well done, I suppose.

Look, we need to talk. The resistance is unified. The civil war, such as it was, is over. We need to talk about bringing down Strahd. Totally. You are, depressingly enough, some of my best people. And you've got to decide where you're going to go. As far as I see it, there are a couple...

And the fact that some of you are currently shitting yourself is upsetting, to be true. But look, as far as I can see, I want to talk it out where you want to go next. Well, where's Strahd? That's a good question, he goes on to say yeah now look uh i've had um some intel i've debriefed the married couple uh they've combined their resources and let me know some interesting things so first of all strad's gone back home he's in barovia currently that's where that's where you'll find him secondly now that's that's that's a secret And that took Miss Grundle a while to understand As far as anyone knows

That knows that he's in control He's acting like he's in the palace But he's long gone Well who's in charge in his stead? Who's his deputy? Well LaCroix runs Daggerford In Waterdeep I imagine it's probably the Masked Lords But look

That's our concern currently. Yeah, Eleanor has also revealed, so I just sort of dropped a big one there, that the Masked Lords, as we all suspected, are under the control. Is that in your nappy? That's what I was wondering too. Could you do me a favour, Bake Note? Could you grow up for just a second? Come on.

Can you do that for me, mate? Come on, it was fun. We were all having a good time. We dropped a big one. Okay, well that's hilarious. Phil, well done. She's done it again!

Phil Trell. Anyway, point is, listen. Mars Lords and Waterdeep, according to Eleanor Grandon, the intel that she, I've got to admit, did a very good job of gathering that little nightclub of hers, we know a couple of things.

One, like I say, Strahd is no longer here. He's in Barovia. Two, the Master Lords of Waterdeep are under Strahd's control. That one's a bit of a no-brainer. Didn't need to set up an elaborate school and vampire cabaret to figure that out, but fair play to her. We have confirmation.

Now, over to the singing idiot uh in uh daggerford please that's my father you really built buying into this role uh and i appreciate that have another lollipop over to uh over to the singing idiot. In Daggerford, LeCroy is right, using the red houses to take people's essences and ship them up north. Now, as to what that's about, we're not entirely sure, but none of it seems very good. And that's true.

Remember, you all found a facility in the Flosin Estates where some kind of vials that had been extracted from people in the red houses were charging stone tablets that were being shipped up north you remember that yes you never quite worked out what that was about the piss machine what do you mean by essences so it wasn't entirely clear it was that whatever had been transported came in vials the residues of them seemed to create mists that evoked memories of those people. So it was some kind of life force, life blood, something that was a new

type of magic that you haven't seen before. But I think also in Flosin there's also a side quest for us because we met a man who used to be a prince I think. Ah, now on that, yeah, I'm really glad you brought that up. The proof of his birthright is located in an undersea cave

in order to only three of the most powerful hags in the sword coast have the keys that open that cave uh two of them have them on their person the third is auctioning her key off tonight at a special auction that the cream of the cream of what a deep society will be bidding on um once you find those three caves and then once you unlock the mystery of the stone golem i've already sent a cell to that auction so we don't need to worry about it we'll talk about it but i will be sure to let you know in a later time how that unravels now listen We'll give Rummy our best. His name was Rummy. I wrote it down. I just thought I'd say it.

Oh, Rummy Tunkins? Yeah, Rummy. One thing that Lofty has figured out is where those essences are going. Ooh. Yeah. Well, they're going north, which we knew, but at best we can tell

they're going to a place called Icewind Dale. Ooh. Icewind Dale is beyond the spine of the world mountains near the sea of frozen ice. It is the cold inhospitable north of the Sword Coast where only the hardiest survive.

It is the land of white dragons, frost giants, and goliaths. It is a hugely cold and miserable place. The final frontier as you travel up the Sword Coast. So look, the way I see it, guys, you have four options. Now, I'm actually hesitant

to say that because just this time yesterday, I thought you had two options, and then we got King Baby. So... If anything, every time he says it, now that it's too late, Janos Mir feels like he's less confident in the ruse of King Baby.

It was a great idea. Could we just remember that you were very swept up in this idea when it happened? Yeah, no, it was just very persuasive. You were enthusiastic from day dot. I mean, look, I'll wear it, you know. I've got to back my own decisions. In terms of that kind of persuasion

only happens five percent of the time anyway point is as i see it but i'll be open to other suggestions you could head to barovia and confront strad uh although i mean you can head to barovia and do a lot of things i wouldn't necessarily confront strad right now uh you could head to icewind dale you go back to daggerford where where I think your mate LaCroix still is um or I suppose we shut down that opera we kill LaCroix we shut down that operation or I figure you could stay here and we can try and work out some things with the Masked Lords now I have not been as of late late, I am recently deciding, making the best decisions, possibly connected to this massive head trauma that happened to me when they tried to hang me a few weeks ago.

So I'm going to throw this one over to you. You're my best team. You decide where you want to go. I will send different cells to do the other missions. I don't know if any of them are as strong as you, but you pick what you think is most important. Okay, dragon huddle. All right.

Now, what happened after we left this land? Strahd appeared, and then... He's over in Barovia, but he's taken over Waterdeep, and things are being sent from Daggerford north to Icewind Dale Where is... I say we cut off the head of the beast You want to go to Strahd himself? Well, I mean, I'll be honest

I don't understand entirely what's going on I think we should work our way up the chain It's a war. We need to claim territory. It's not enough for us to go and attack him because he'll still have all of his minions here and in Daggerford and elsewhere. I think we're here now.

We have a power base here. We consolidate it by taking up the Masked Lords. And take back Waterdeep. Yes. That would be my suggestion. Filge, Baby King, your thoughts? Well, good, good gaga is all I've got

to say. But I guess I'm following the lead of my good friend Baby King. Baby King, it's with you. I mean, Icewind Dale

sound cool. I gotta say, like, the appeal of that, new surroundings, frosty wind on my nose, sounds good. But I understand, you know, we can make a name for ourselves here, unmask some lords. We're not doing a holiday. It's a war.

We're not going sightseeing in an icy man's cave or whatever it is. If the essences are being sent to Icewind Dale, it suggests that Strahd needs whatever's coming out of Icewind Dale as a result to maintain his power. So if we cut that off, we have that as leverage against him. Okay, all I'm hearing is goo-goo-ga-ga. Is anyone else?

Who else is this? Okay, fine. Let me just put some pants on. Guys, I'm feeling a sudden moment of lucidity. We go to Daggerford. We hitch-slash-hijack the next shipment of stuff from La Croix heading north, assume the identity of the Wagoneers, and go in that way. Point of order, are they going by...

Go to Icewind Dale from Daggerford. Are they going by boat along the coast, or are they going... Dave, do we have that information? No, so you'd remember this. The wagons that came out of Daggerford went north through the Flossin Estates, and then they were picked up to travel further north. Oh, from the Flossin Estates is where they head north from. Yeah, yeah.

Flossin Estates is to the northwest of Daggerford. Mmm. Road trip. All right, well, I guess let's... But we already got photos at the Flossin Estate. Why did we go back there so soon? Now, you're all in a huddle so so janice one of you is going to have to explain to janice your plan all right janice old chum old beggar king old i don't know you very well we're not following you anymore we're following

a new king a baby king and the baby king says head north. Just hearing the phrase baby king says, I mean, it's just... Anyway, it's fine. We think it best to pull the thread of the wee-wee machine at the Flossin Estates.

See what the wee-wee magic has been putting into the hard box. You can't just call it the wee wee machine I've already called it the wee wee machine sorry are you talking about the contraption that lofty told me that phil pissed in yes the wee wee machine

well whatever it's called it's got wee in it look I was out of town I was training in the jungle in it. Look, I was out of town. I was training in the jungle. And I don't really know what has happened in this war or how you've let control slip out of your hands, but I know one thing.

I hate Strahd, but I know another thing. He's pretty fucking scary. So I think if we head north and hamstring him as best as we can that's a good start smart i can't argue with that so to daggerford then and from there north to icewind dale now daggerford is going to be tricky you were some of the last people to travel freely around the sword coast you went to daggeth that you started a lot of fires and since since then strad's grip on the trade way that um all of the old roads of the sword coast has only become stronger and now travel is almost completely locked down except for

essential business that sounds vaguely familiar. What if we dressed up as three wise men following a star across a desert but we've already found a baby and we're taking the baby to... I'm not staying as a baby for fuck's sake. No, look, Bobby is dressed as a man now and I think he should probably

stay dressed as a man. The more I think about it, yeah. That's better. What's happening here is better. Look. Well, if the people realise the Baby King has left the city, your power base will be totally destabilised. If I may interrupt for just a hot little minute here,

Bobson's been there the whole time and everybody jumps. Last night, before all this Baby King nonsense happened, I worked out a pretty bloody good way to get you out of the city. If anybody cares to hear what Bobson has to say. Does anybody? There's got to be a plan. Does anybody?

Okay, Bobson, do your TED Talk. Okay, listen, it's really simple. You guys are going to leave the city disguised as judicators. Oh, cool. And as he says that, he pulls out a small satchel and starts throwing down what looks like some kind of papers and big judicator capes and a wooden wand. Okay, so last night when I heard that you guys, you know, had basically, you know, murdered some people in the street, I thought, first of all, classic bloody dragos, but second, they're going to need some safe passage. So, I went to the Sneaky Monkey.

That's a friendly little pub that adjudicators often frequent. And I started talking to these five adjudicators, right? They tell me that they're going to do a delivery tonight, which will get you right out of the city to an inn nearby. The inn is called the Wizard Dick, and it's a horrible place. Sorry, the Wizard Dick? The Wizard Dick.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Not the Wizard's dick. No, no, no. The wizard dick, like the wizard Richard, but to his friends. Yeah, that's what it's called. Anyway, guys, listen, the point is it's perfect. So I knocked them out with some drugs that I had.

Okay, so they're asleep or dead. I don't know because, you know, every time you go under general, it's a risk. Okay? I've got their clothes. I've got their likeness. We've got some spells. We're going to disguise ourselves as those guys.

Do you still have the bodies? Excuse me? Do you still have the bodies? No, I mean, they're probably not dead. They're in the cellar of the sneaky monkey. Could I have one of them? No. What?

No. Okay. Okay. Looking a little pale there, Banknote. I don't know. I just thought there was some blood in the bodies I could have or something. I don't know. You're a bit different since the last story.

You've got a sort of a lust in your eyes for something. Do you have any bodies anyway? Any other bodies? Well, I mean, everybody's a body. You know what I mean? Everybody's a body if you hit them hard enough. By magic, I should say that Niosel has a battered wand of disguise self, which is a spell that you know, Bobby,

one that you can use. And he has also, this identification papers have likenesses of the guards and names. This is a no-brainer, guys. We just get in the wagon, take whatever it is that we're transporting up to this inn,

drop the inn, have a kip, and then another person from resistance is going to're transporting up to this inn, drop the inn, have a kip, and then another person from resistance is going to pick us up in the morning. Take us to Waterdeep. Waterdeep? Do you want to... Wait, to Daggerford? To Daggerford, guys, sorry.

Or to the fourth of the states? Yeah, we're in Waterdeep. Right, right, right. All right, let's do that. So the wizard's dick is... Remember, it's two days' ride to Daggerford. The wizard's dick is... The wizard's dick.

Wizard dick. No, the wizard dick. It bears me... Wizard dick wizard's dick. Wizard dick. No, the wizard dick. Wizard dick. Wizard dick. The wizard dick. With the wizard dick. Wizard dick. Oh, maybe it's a fun play on words.

Withered dick. Wizard dick. It's a specific fun play on words for somebody with my speech impediment. The point is that it's a day's ride on a road that is now locked down. And the identification papers are in front of you. You can see that they are for five judicators. One of them, the captain of this unit, is a man called Portally, a quite handsome dashing half-elf.

Then there is the dwarf Descent, another human called Jooves, a half-orc called Boondock and a gnome called Gibbs I mean I'll be portally if that's what it takes I thought I'd kind of be the lady guy but um does that mean I have to be Jooves? technically Bob's and Dugnut is the leader

of cell 17 I don't want to pull rank or anything I think I'll be the leader guy. Well, I'll be Portally, and that's me. And I'll ride up the front. Bobby, you can be Descent, and you'll ride with me. You'll be Juvs, Banknote. Field, you'll be Gibbs.

Bastron, you'll be Boondock. That's a bloody cool name. Boondock. Boondock, that is cool. So isn't Gibbs a goblin? A gnome, yeah. But if anyone of the other Judicators knows... At that point, he flourishes...

What's going on with that guy? He flourishes quite proudly, his wand. Oh! Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, motherfuckers! Bink, bink, bink, bink, bink. And now all of you are in your own clothes, but you suddenly look like the figures that he's described. And then we put the robes on?

And now you are dressed as judicators. Oh, that'd be smart, actually. Yeah, put the robes on. I was going to tell these. Okay, let's go to this wizard deck. Come on. All right, off we go. I immediately run under as many people's legs as I can.

You clock yourself on the groin of another person in the room because you were still roughly the same size. I'm not in your injured gooch. Oh, right in the dick. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, right in the dick. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, me so sorry. How many hits do you get to your gooch?

Oh, one more and I'll die. Oh, no. Me feel like that was wasted. So as we're heading, are we on a wagon or something? You're in Janice's office but but bobson has a wagon the judicators wagon outside and you can see that it's got crates in the back of it and a flat flat top bed sort of back um that's full of crates and some low benches where the other judicators can sit and then there's space for two judicators to ride up front and

then two mules okay so quick question if anyone stops us and says hey what for two Judicators to ride up front. And then two mules. Okay. Hey, so quick question. If anyone stops us and says, hey, what's up, Judicators? What would a Judicator say? Would they be like, I love Strahd? Or would they be like, don't talk to me. This is what we do. Come on. Let's just go.

We serve the Mark. Okay. Well, I'm sure. We're working out as we go. There's no point talking about it. Let's just get it. Come on. Time is of the essence.

Okay, okay. Alright. Are we leaving tomorrow? No, we're leaving now. Come on. The delivery has to go. And we're having a nap at the inn. This plan was already discussed. I'm a judicator and I need to deliver the things that are in these boxes. I love the Mark Lord.

I got some good intel. Bastard, not very confident with improv. Using one of the many sewer paths under the Beggar's Court that leads just outside the city, the hour is probably about 4 a.m. The sun is just beginning to peak over the side of the hills as you make your way outside Strahd's lockdown city of Waterdeep. Now it is an incredibly dangerous time to travel. The streets are incredibly empty, as you make your way outside Strahd's lockdown city of Waterdeep.

Now it is an incredibly dangerous time to travel. The streets are incredibly empty, even at this time, as you ride east towards Daggerford on the Old Trade Road. Okay, pop quiz. I'm portally. Bobby, who are you? I'm Descent, but I don't know what race I am.

Well, look at yourself. He doesn't have a mirror? Wait, what does he look like? I'm a dwarf, okay. Oh, Descent. Well, let's find... I'm not going to remember that, so let's find a round. Descent, the what? The ant?

Descent, the ant. Okay, Descent, the ant. Back note, who are you? Hello, my name is Jooves. Jooves? Jooves? Jooves. Hooves. Like a horse.

Well, he's a human, but yeah, humans like to ride horses. And I'm very human. You can see that I have classic human traits, like my love for chocolate and also my hatred of peanuts. That was really good, but maybe if we get stopped or anything, you don't need to really say a lot. That's fine. Okay.

Filch, who are you? Me named Gibbs. Goblin Gibbs. Just remember that. Gibba Gibba. You're a gnome, but Gib the Goblin is fine for a nickname. Baston, we don't need to go. You're bloody boondock.

I'm a gnome. Boondock the clock, because I always know what time it is. And what time is it? Being a half-log time. I literally told you what time it is. And what time is it? Being a half-log time. I literally told you what time it was. I'm not good at improv, okay? Don't ask me any fucking questions

or this is over. Shit. I think if we get stopped it'll be a sort of a me and Bobby deal. But yeah, we've got the crates in the back. Easy peasy bloody delivery. Okay, guys deal but yeah we've got the crates in the back easy peasy

bloody delivery okay guys uh and just peek in these crates i'll let you in a second to sound also you have a crossbow the rest of you all have short swords as the judicators normally use do you want to open up one of the crates yeah let's have a look let's have a peeky all right there's a crowbar so you don't need to roll anything. You open up one of the bigger crates to the side. It's a large crate. Inside? Like it's babushka crates? No, I'm just saying this is a big, like about three feet by three feet large crate. you can see that it is full of branding irons, thumbscrews, manacles, and long, wicked knives.

And it seems to be completely full. This is what you see up at the top of it. Who needs this many thumbscrews? Yeah, you can make a perception check. What's it for, though? Let me know. It's to see if there's any hidden bottoms or secret bottoms or secret compartments go for it mine's right out here put that away baston i'll hide it it's glinting off the full moon it'll bring attention full moon uh that was it that was a six um you you you look at it and you realize just because you you checked you still

notice something Would it be an investigation check? Rather than a perception? Okay, sorry I rolled the wrong thing That's a 24 I rolled the wrong thing Okay

You notice that there is a false bottom to the crate Ooh, not mine What the fuck is wrong with you, Ian? Leave your truth, Eden Don't let the haters get you down. Thank you, Ben. Thank you. Looking inside, you can see that actually all those torture implements

are only a couple of inches deep, and then there's another... There's a straw and another piece of fake wood. There's like a wooden shelf, and underneath that, there's more equipment if you pull it away. And what is this equipment? You'll have to dismantle it in an open wagon no no these are crates at the back of this open wagon so if you dismantle this you can but it's likely that somebody who's knowing what to expect will see the damage to it that's not true i am uh you know i think i could tinker away and fix this up.

That's a good point. I'm a smith. I could do it. No, actually, as an artificer, yeah, Hing, you probably could. So yeah, Hing can probably repair it if you want. Banknote can probably repair it if you want to have a little look inside. Let's have a look. You want to open it up? Yes. No, let me open it up because I don't trust any of your ham-fisted tomfoolery. Imagine if your fists were ham.

So what do I have to roll, Dave? Okay. So nothing to pry open in is easy. It's just when you're going to try and fix it later. So you pry open a few more of the boards and you can see that it is densely packed with what looks like flagons. There is like bundles of kind of a crepe paper. And then there are underneath this, there is like some Hessian sacks filled with breads, cheeses, Chilton spices, olives, a lot of food as well. and spices, olives, a lot of food as well.

And then sitting on top of it is a big metal, what looks like a kind of wand that's placed on a stand. And as you touch it, as you're moving past it, the ring that you're wearing, the iron ring banknote starts to glow. And you suddenly realize that this is a wand of dancing lights you're suddenly you've got a rush of identifying magic of what this

magic item does this is a magic item that casts the cantrip dancing lights and it obviously spells them out when it's activated to make a message oh okay what does the message say what does the message say out when it's activated to make a message. Oh, okay. What does the message say? You don't know the command word, so you don't

know exactly what it is. Google Gaga. So we've got some flagons full of anything? Sniff one of the flagons. It smells alcoholic. I'll take a sip. Okay. It's alcohol. It's booze. What kind, though, Dave'll take a sip. Okay. It's alcohol.

It's booze. What kind, though, Dave? Paint a picture. What flavor is urging my mouth? It's margarita. There are flagons of margarita. Wait, margarita mix? It's a pre-mixed margarita?

No, no, no. It's a fully mixed margarita. There's a flagon of margarita mix, a flagon of Contro, and a flagon of fantasy tequila. Well, that explains why all these flagons have salt around the rim. It's the Chilton Tej. It's Tej. Chilton. This must be going to some Chult guy.

But what's a Chult person doing in Dagenham? No, this stuff came from Chult. Are you going to try and pack this all up again? Yes, I'll pack it up again now. Because it does not... Now when you're looking at it, there's not enough space in this box to fit all this shit. Somehow they had it all...

Okay, make for me quickly an intelligence check. You can add proficiency to it because you're an artificer. If you can Tetris the things back into the box correctly. Yeah, smash it. The destructor. 15. Sorry, 5 plus 18 is uh 23 23 is enough all right so very carefully um banknote lodges back down the wand the food the tequila and then

the wood and then lays down the torture implements and then manages to nail in the spikes that are holding in the crate looks like it hasn't been touched. So someone is trying to smuggle food and spices underneath knives and torture implants. And crepe paper and this wand and olives. You mean crepe paper? Like thin paper? It's like brightly colored parchment of some kind. All of this stuff and by about now you're travelling

so you're about an hour away I assume you've been travelling all night so you're about you're just getting to the

inn that you were going to the wizard the withered the wizened wizard dick the wizard dick I hate I hate okay that one so this is were going to the wizard the what the withered the wizened wizard dick wizard dick hey hey okay

you're that one um so this is your last chance to talk before you arrive at the end who is the contact we're meant to meet bobson uh a guy called brandon i think that's what they said to me brandon some brandon guy anyway they were very drugged by that point. No, he ran away. Oh, Brandon. All right. All right. And so the son. No, but here's the thing, guys.

This is the best part. There aren't even going to be any adjudicators there. They said that Brandon said you just turn up, you drop the stuff down and then you go. You'll be a day out of Waterdeep. You'll be past most of and while you've been traveling, by the way, there have been you've seen at distance other adjudicated patrols, but they've seen the color of your wagon. And from a distance, they've waved you on. So you've gotten through a few rounds now of patrols. All right.

Well, what's the plan? Let's see what happens. We just meant to drop it off. Maybe we drop it off and then one of us hides and sees who's to come pick it up. Bobson explains, at the Witherdick, there is a barn outside. All we have to do, this is what Brandon said,

is that this is a normal thing. They're just sending materiel to Daggerford. We leave it at the barn. Someone else picks it up the next day. We're gone by then. But don't we want to go to Icewind Dale? Yeah. Well, no, your plan, sorry, because I was there.

Your plan is to go to Daggerford. Now, we have a contact picking us up from the Wizard Dick in the morning, and then we're home and bloody hosed. Right. have a contact picking us up from the wizard dick in the morning and then we're home and bloody hosed right so we're just gonna stay the night in the inn lay low exactly we'll have a drink we'll tell some stories i'll get a guitar i'll play some james taylor you know we'll have a sing-along it'll be nice these people are provincial there are networks of sympathetic types all over the sword coast that help the resistance is bigger remember than water deep so this is part of the underground network that connects uh janice mere's resistance across the sword coast right because i think the dudes who we stole this wagon off are probably resistance people, right?

Does that make sense? No, they're not. They're definitely, this was stolen from, the reason that they stole this wagon is because they knew it was going to an inn that the resistance innkeeper is sympathetic to. Are you saying that they're secretly, the five people that I drugged and maybe killed,

are you saying that they were secret resistance people? Well, look at the stuff that is hidden in these crates. It's not... They're hiding the foods and things like that underneath the implements of evil. I've got to say, if that's the case,

I'm going to be really cross with myself. Because now that I think about it, I'm sure at least really cross with myself. Because now that I think about it, I'm sure at least one of them died. Oh, dear. All right. Well, we'll figure it out when we get to the end. Yeah, yeah.

All we have to do is go to the end, drop it off, wait for our contact tomorrow. It's fucking simple. You make your way down to the Withered Richard, which is, as I said... And unfortunately, by the way, when you approach the inn, the signage is so worn by time and elements

that you can't see if it's wizards or withered. It's like one of those outlines of a thing. But it could be a man holding out a wand, a wizard, or it could be... It's very hard to say. And as you make your way in uh you've traveled for the better part of the day and the sun is beginning to dip again it's about 7 p.m as you make your way into the yard outside this inn that is desolate is otherwise empty the this halfway point between dagaford and water deep just a simple two-story inn with a large barn outside.

And as you ride under an archway into the yard, your hearts suddenly sink, or depending on your level of adrenaline, go up into your mouths because you can see standing in the yard waiting for you is the figure of adjudicator. Bobson's information is wrong. Your wagon rolls up and he holds up his hand, gloved,

and you fall silently to a stop in front of him. Guys, be very cool. Hail. Hail. We've got the... You come from water deep? Yes, with the... And he says very softly,

I'm not good at improv. Descent? Descent here. You'll find his... Yes, and? Yes, and? His papers are in order. Descent?

Yes, and? you can explain. We have a delivery here. Usual tools of the trade. Your finest thumbscrews and doodads and whatnots. We're just stopping here for a rest. As you would well know Our messenger came beforehand And let us know of our arrival Did you say thumbscrews?

Yes Weapons of Oppression You know that we like to use You know oppressing the people If it is thumbscrews Then your business is in the barn Did you come from bad

from brandon yes yes head to the head to the barn thanks you're needed inside there i believe okay cool cool um he doesn't he looks at you as two two other judicators come out questioningly obviously ready to search the barn but he waves them back and then waves you on. We're cool. Thanks, dudes. You go past the inn and come to a park outside. And it's getting quite dark now. And you can see that there are some lights on inside this barn. But otherwise, there's no one outside.

You've gone around the corner of the inn so they can't see you again. As you come to a stop. And there's a figure that steps out of the inn with a lantern and beckons you to come in hello it's another it's another it's another judicator hello drive this sucker in my name's juves i love chocolate and i hate peanuts yeah juves hi uh it's tim. Hello. Tim, yes, hello. We're going into the... Into the... Yeah, yeah.

You all right, mate? Yeah, I know I love chocolate and I hate peanuts. That's... I didn't know that about you. Oh, you didn't? No, very human thing. What race are you? Gibbs, is that you?

Oh! thing. What race are you? Gibbs, is that you? You're making a goblin noise? Yeah, Gibbs, you best find your way into that barn right away with that crate. 9.36 is the time that it is.

Okay, Boondock. Okay. Gibbs, you're going first. You're needed. The rest of you. And they point coincidentally at the crate that Banknote had already opened. It says, take that crate in first. You can bring the rest around later.

They need it in there. Okay. Okay, so do we all go and like lift it off and carry it all inside? We all carry it together, all four of us. Not you, Gibbs. You go in first. The rest of them, they can take that with them.

All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. I walk in. Right, the rest of you are following yeah yeah carrying the crate okay you walk slowly into the room gibbs the figure that has a scarf over their face obscuring their face but is otherwise wearing the livery of adjudicator opens the barn doors wide and in the gloom you can see

the room is mostly unlit but the light that was spilling out from the other side is a lantern at the far end of the barn casting just a small amount of light in front of a table that has been meticulously cleaned. Otherwise the room is shrouded in darkness. What's going on? Without saying anything, the figure in the scarf pushes you on your shoulder

and points at the table. Dinner. Yum, yum. He obviously wants you to walk over to the table. Off I go, walking to the table. So you're going to? Yep. Just telling anyone around, walking to the table okay slowly phil you

walk to the table at the far end through the darkness as the light of the lantern slowly hits your face and then you hear a sulfuric hiss and there is a spark and then another spark in another spark as lanterns around the room open up as the other dragon friends bring their crate in. And then at that moment, suddenly a banner descends from the ceiling as somebody yells out the words Desereto, causing the top of the crate to burst off, revealing the wand on a pedestal that rises up creating sparking out in the light happy birthday gibbs as judicators burst out from behind every hail bale of hay and table on the side all of them holding flagons as everybody cheers oh my goodness gracious me. And you see the figure of Brandon, the adjudicator that you mentioned before, run forward, slap you on the shoulder and pat you on the chest.

Oh Gibbs, oh bloody hell yeah, we all put it together and these guys here, they didn't even let up. They were the whole wagon row, they didn't know. I bet they knew, they knew, they helped me plan it, but I bet They didn't know I bet They knew They knew They helped me plan it But I bet they didn't say anything You bugger Alright come up here

Come up here Come up on the stage Speech Speech Is that Bastogne? Yeah Everybody picks it up Bastogne starts it

Everybody starts yelling Speech Speech Speech I don't want to say a lot I had a sore throat Yeah. Everybody picks it up. Bastogne starts it, but everybody starts yelling, Speech! Speech! Speech! Now, I don't want to say a lot. I had a sore throat before, but you don't seem to mind this voice, so I'm going to keep using it. Ah, fellas. Why would we mind that voice?

That's the voice you've always used. Yeah, that's right. What's your... Oh, it's bloody cocksucker. What's your... Excuse me I've got nicknames for all of you here Excuse me What are the names?

And Boondock yells out He's like Gibbs, tell us that funny story about that time at the place You know the one Tell us all our private nicknames. Well, yeah. There's Cocksucker over there. Excuse me?

I'm going to call you all your nicknames tonight, boys. There's Mama Judy and there's Daisy Pants. Ah, look at your sight for sore eyes. Fellas, when I got into the adjudicating business, I had to leave my

family far behind, but I'm so happy to say I've found a new one here tonight. George's grammar is incredible at this point. It's different. It changes. Make a persuasion check can't she do it when she's pretending for some reason when oh um no probably not uh perception what kind of check sorry persuasion

persuasion oh i'm rolling like a king tonight. 22. There is a massive cheer. All right. Well, look, Gibbs said it better than I could. Happy birthday, Gibbs. You know, happy 40th. And there's like a wall of like etchings of Gibbs is a baby

and stuff. So they put a lot of work into this. Wait, the etchings say Gibbs is a baby? Where's Stephen? Sorry. Oh, he's bloody here. He's bloody here. Is Filge saying that?

Is Filge asking where a man she just murdered is? Well, she was there. To be fair, I bet. Yeah, Steve couldn't make it. We gave him the instructions. He's not. Has anyone actually, that's a good, because he said he was going to be.

Has anyone seen Steve? He's written a song and everything. So I'm sure he'll be here later. He'll be here. He'll be here. He'll be here. But guys. How many adjudicators are there, Dave?

There's like 20 in the small barn. All packed in. Banknote's going to, in the character of Juv, is going to step up and be like, Well, everybody, who wants to play a fun birthday game? What voice is that, Juvs? I'm trying a new thing. It's a new thing I'm trying.

That's not normal. I know, it's a new thing I'm trying. What do you think? It's pretty cool, eh? Are you just talking in a, like, a sotto voce kind of thing? I guess. I don't know. It was me.

I bet him he couldn't swallow a sword, and he did. But, you know, that's it. He sounds rough now. Anyway, who wants to play a birthday game? All right, well, you know, Joobs, guys, we're all here. We've had a few, so does he need to roll something? I'll need a couple of volunteers. Let's say Boondock, Gibbs, Baby King.

You're trying to say Baby King? Have you guys heard about this bloody Baby King? Boo! Everybody boos. Boo. What a terrible idea. Your name is... Descent.

Is it Descent? Get over here. Okay, the three of you over here. Now, everyone else... Okay, what we need is everyone else to kneel down against that wall over there. Okay? And close your eyes. Well, all of us else to kneel down against that wall over there. Okay? And close your eyes. Well, all of us.

Everybody kneel down. It's part of the game. It's part of the game, everybody. It doesn't work. Well, I thought that you've got all the food and the olives and that we were just going to have nachos, but you want us to close our eyes and all stand at this wall. And kneel down.

No, for the game to work, you all need to kneel down You need No for the game to work It's a great game You all need to kneel down And close your eyes With it No with advantage Make for me a persuasion check What the fuck man I'd like everybody to kill themselves

That would be good That's a I got a 13 and a 15 So I'll take the 15 And persuasion is plus 8 So 23 Okay Alright everybody

This is going to be bloody good I don't know if anybody knows this But Jooves is something of a game imagineer He's created many of the games I used to work for the Disney Corporation And this is a game I invented for them At the barracks Everybody go on

Boondock he didn't mention you So come with us Come with us No I didn't No no Disney Corporation, and this is a game I invented for them. At the barracks. Everybody come on in. Boondock, he didn't mention you, so come with us. Come with us. No, I didn't. No, no. No, you said three people. I said Boondock. No, I didn't.

Oh, you're right. Sorry, Bobson. Bobson, come and kneel with us. You didn't mention Bobson's name. Bobson's name is Portally. No, Portally. You didn't say Portally. Portally, come and kneel with us at this wall. Fair, fair.

We'll all have a kneel. Yeah, great. Portally. Why don't you kneel? Portally, why don't you kneel with us at this wall. Fair, fair. We'll all have a kneel. Yeah, great. Hey, I think we've got it. Why don't you kneel? Bob, Portally, why don't you kneel at the front? Because you should kneel at the front because you know these guys the best. All right, we're all going to close our eyes now.

It's going really well. The fall of our hoodlum. Yeah, I'll have a bloody lean. Yep, okay, Bob. It's good for you. Yep, good for you. And then we're all going gonna slowly back towards the door Uh-huh

We're all slowly backing towards the door And I'm How are they all? Are you telling them to? I'm like motioning with the hands Like, okay, okay, okay And then I'm going to use Back note

Are you going to burn this barn down? I'm going. Is that what... Shh, no, we're playing a fun game. Oh, good. I hope he doesn't murder someone. Seriously, what are you doing? Okay.

What's the plan here, man? You look for a second, you see 20 quite young faces of people who have joined the Judicator program, at the centre of which is Bobson Dugnut, your friend that has travelled with you. No, it's fine. I'm just saying since the days of Tokyo. You're completely allowed.

Also, Banknote is not as attached to Bobson as the rest of us. Conversely, Bobson is a good boy. I mean, Banggood is a good boy. No, no, no. Yeah, so what are you going to do, Hank? That's true. And he's not staring at their faces. He's staring at the back of their heads.

So I'm going to infuse my fantasy rocket launcher with, so I can have it say one sentence. So the one sentence I'm going to say is the You can do this You can even have it a minor artificial property That when it fires it says something It says something And it's going

Sorry, magical tinkering, sorry And it's going to say the repeating shot Tim thing That I had to say I just need to say I'm using repeating shot when i fire it no no you no you had to say that it's not in the world but i'm recording it in my voice so it's being said in michael hing's voice but you had to tell me you were when i said you have to say it i meant that you michael hing had to tell me you were casting a spell are you using a magical ability in the game to say that to me i i think i misunderstood the rules of the game dave i have a question what role would i have to for baston

have to make to produce the very realistic sound of a fart either either in the armpit or with his, you know, the elbow pit, you know? What kind of roll? A 12, but why? A 12, because Baston's going to go... Who farted? That's the game. The game is who farted. All of your eyes were closed.

You don't know. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. What a good know. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. What a good game. Baston looked at Banker and was like, look, let's just get drunk. We'll sneak off when they're all drinking. Let's just play a game of shots and we can get the hell out of here.

It'll be fine. These people have joined an evil regime, okay? It's a fucking war. And you're here telling me you want to get drunk with them? You're a fucking coward, Baston. You're a fucking coward. It's not the way. And you're here telling me you want to get drunk with them? You're a fucking coward, Bastard. You're a fucking coward. It's not the way of the 11. Okay, everybody.

Thank you for coming to my party. Shots all around. Shots and let's say truth and a shot. So everyone say something true about what you've been doing at work. true about what you've been doing at work did we say shots and there is a voice um behind you at the doors well it seems that i've arrived just in time and a figure in a huge dark great coat arrives and it is the figure you recognize that some of you recognize not you phil having just seen having seen him only a few days before on the docks of Waterdeep Harbour, Deepwater Harbour, it is the figure of Judicator Mannix as he walks into the room,

pulling off heavy gloves and removing his jacket. Okay, banknote, maybe do the rocket launcher thing now. Maybe do it now. But it is already too late for the figure has walked into the room and as everybody's eyes are again opening, the sight of 20 Judicators lined up against the wall, smiling in anticipation, fronted by the figure of Bob Sun Dugnut,

see the eyes of their captain, Judicator Mannix, Lord Castellan of the Judicator movement from Waterdeep, who has arrived for a birthday party that is not to be forgotten, presumably on the instruction that he does not muck in with the boys enough, spotting the four of you. For now, your identity is still secret, but for how long can that be? Mannix is a powerful observer of the human condition, one trained for a long time to uncover deception, fraud,

even magical malfeasance, who has found you here at this inn and does not yet know what he has caught. Such is the day-to-day life of an investigator as Mannix. Such is the day-to-day life of a party such as these four misguided fools we call the dragon friends thank you the dragon friends are alex lee Hing, Eden Lacey and me, Simon Greiner. And we're DM'd by Dave Harmon and Ben Jenkins. Dragon Friends is recorded in our homes in this age of isolation.

Shakira Khan produces and designs our website. The podcast is mixed and mastered by Hugh Guest with music this episode by Tom Cardy. Bye. Bye. Tom Carty. Bye! Every time... The point is The point is Here's what we're gonna do We're going This is so distracting

Hugh They keep showing me snails