Dragon Friends - #6.11. Prove it, Brandon

Episode Date: July 9, 2020

Surrounded by judicators, The Dragon Friends must rely on nothing but their deception and quick thinking to find a way out of a surprise party in one piece and continue their journey to Daggerford. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are we ready to play some motherfucking Dungeons & Dragons? Dark Hugh runs his papa's company Dark Lord Strides He's a very naughty man Finally together The life of hope we call the travel guide Travel guides issued by wandering bards up and down the Sword Coast say precious little to recommend the Wizard Dick a shabby and poorly run tavern a day's ride from water deep the decor is gauche the beds have a tendency to itch.

And these days, sorry, Ben, did you have something to say? You did a little thing just then. Is it not pronounced gauche? I think it is, but I initially thought it wasn't. Absolutely, it's fine. I'm going to keep going. Although I did willfully mishear it as ghosts. Ben, how would you pronounce it if it wasn't gauche?

Gooch. The decor is gooch. The beds have a tendency to itch. And three days, and these days, most honest folk ignore the tavern, not least of all because of its reputation as a copper barge. Due to the free room and board that it offers to the judicators who now restrict all trade and free movement in the area in the name of the

Masked Lords of Waterdeep. Those Masked Lords have of course been a traditional ruling body for centuries but always under the open and accessible representation of the city's open lord. The current lord Sir Roderick Shaw disappeared under mysterious circumstances two years ago and in that time the Masked Lords have quietly and brutally taken control of the City of Splendors. But resistance thrives in the hearts of the free, and the people are slowly awakening to this new regime. are hard at work, undercover at what is now obviously a surprise birthday party, surrounded by cops and unnerved by the sudden presence of Captain Austerio Mannix, the man hunting them down. He clears his throat.

He addresses the room. Yes, well, I'm not much of a public speaker, those of you who know me, but when I was asked to come to the birthday of Gibbs, well, what could I say? I said yes, and here I am. I've been told that I'm not very approachable as a captain, and hopefully my presence here having a tin

or two with the lads perhaps changes that for old Gibbsy here. Here to manage Oh no! No I I must

Brandon comes forward with a flag in a veil. Trying to go to heaven, but he went the other way. He went down, down, down, down, down, down. Do I need to roll? Down, down, down, down. Down, down, down. And the best thing about that is that Ben has at least three more hours of podcasting to do. You know you could have just fantasy drunk.

Yeah, and what a treat that will be for our, I would say, 99.5% audience who can't see any of this. Mannix downs the flagon with the air of a person who is resenting every moment of it and then holds it up as all of the judicators erupt into applause. Yes, well, that's good. I mean, I can't believe you did it. It feels like you really peer pressured into

that, frankly. I think a real captain would have, I don't know, probably said, look, this is irresponsible, I don't want to do this. Jooves, is it? Yes, my name is Jooves. Did Bangno just look at a piece of paper?

As you know, I have a condition where I forget my name. And that's why I've written it on this piece of paper here. Well, it sounds to me like Jooves is a bit of a mad bastard. Ha ha ha. Anyway, listen. Nobody

except Baston is laughing. While we're all here for the Gibbetron 9000, I do have to say that you have to pack up in 20 minutes time. It has come to my attention that one of the resistance cells, cell 17, head up by a man only known as Dugnut,

is planning an attack in Daggerford. This information comes from our secret source inside the Resistance leadership. Oh, what his name? Ah, good one, Gibbsy. As you know, he reports directly to me and no one else. Oh, no!

Not Cell 17! They'll kill us all! They'll eat us alive! We don't have a chance! Run, boys! Run! We're all going to die. Now, now. Portal, no. This aren't Boondock. I believe you're talking to Boondock there.

TikTok, it's eight o'clock. Boondock always knows what time it is. Yeah, it is. Snap out of it, man. Oh, I'm very sorry, sir. I'm just terrified. Well, you know, the one thing that sells 17 is hate. Being thrown in that briar patch.

Oh, come on. That's a funny... No. No, one thing they really hate is to be given lots of yummy jelly beans. Listen, I assume that's some birthday humour. And for the next 20 minutes, I welcome it as one of the lads. What happened after 20 minutes? After 20 minutes, we go to Daggerford.

Oh, boy. And attack cell 17. No, we are trying to anticipate. Look, as you know, the Duke of Daggerford, LaCroix, it is his 40th name day. Two birthdays in one day? Is Gibbs so lucky? Well, Gibbs, he's sort of, it's two days time, but yes.

By the time we get there, it'll be another birthday. Astral twins. As you know, Gibbs, it is custom in Daggerford on the 40th name day of the Duke for there to be revels with performers, you know, tumblers, actors, magicians. Ah, magicians.

Hmm. Will there be any musicals put on to celebrate the name day? Look, I'm not across any of this, but I do know that Cell 17 have been dispatched from Waterdeep and are headed there as we speak. So we need to be there as, well, I suppose the lads would say, a little bit of muscle.

Good one, sir. Again, nobody but Bastogne laughs. Okay, well, how are we travelling to Dacophon then, sir? You're a real suck-up, by the way. Well, it's a day and a half, so we'll go by caravan, I believe. Yes, all the wagons will be caravanned. We leave in 20 minutes. Excellent.

Sir, do you need someone to check the caravan before we leave? Oh, me. Me, sir. Please, sir. Let me do it. I have such an ever such a good job, sir. Please, sir. Me, me, me.

Pick me. Me, I'll check the carriages, sir. You know what, Boondock? You're a real sucker. And I like it. Yes, sir. You do like it. Well, obviously by caravan

I meant in the sort of Old timey sense That we all kind of travel In several carts together So what do you Propose to take The caravan is four wagons Dibs on top bunk

What Well in the caravan Surely we'll all be Bunking together in the Look I've misunderstood This man has clearly misunderstood I think you might need someone

To go and check. Look, if Cell 17 are going to attack us, they might be... Who knows? They could be putting bombs in our caravan, in our wagons as we speak. You need someone to go and check those out right now. What was your name again?

Jooves. My name is Jooves, and I'm here to say... Let me check the caravans, please. Jooves Were you expecting me to say something else? I like this initiative Jooves, take a partner of your choosing Not yet, not yet

No, we're going to do an opposed persuasion check Pick me, sir I asked first You both have decided that it's vitally important That you check the caravans Eleven plus two, thirteen Get fucked, I got eighteen You both have decided that it's vitally important that you check the caravans. 11 plus 2, 13. Get fucked.

I got 18 plus, I think, 3 or 8. I can't tell. I hate to say this, Alex, but did he really get 18? Yeah, he did. Plus whatever that is. Plus whatever my persuasion is. Is that a 6 or an 8? I can't tell. It's a 3.

It's a 3. 21. Take a partner of your choosing and go and investigate the wagons. All right, well, not Bastogne, because he already fucking... Who? Who are you talking... No, this is internal. This is internal monologue.

You can't hear it. Oh, Jooves, you're talking out loud your thoughts again. What? What? Oh, no. I mean... Um, okay. Um, who's the most bloodthirsty of them all?

Given that it is his birthday, why don't I take Gibbs with me? Oh, me would love that as a birthday treat. Thank you, my friend. Juice. Juice, yes. And Mannix, please have a... Um, I've bought you the biggest cocktail in the bar to enjoy and that is my birthday wish that you drink the big cocktail called

The Tropical Mama. Well, I suppose one tropical mama can't tell. I mean, how big is a tropical mama, honestly? Yes, what is in a tropical mama? Obviously, we're not in a bar or in a barn. No, tell you what, you mixed it in. No, Obviously, we're not in a bar. We're in a barn. No, tell you what. You mixed it. No, we know there's contra in this world.

There was contra in the caravan. There was? There was Chilton Ted? It's mostly contra. Are you trying to get Maddox drunk? Is that what this play is? Yeah. And maybe...

Baston's already mixing it. It's already happening. Yeah, Baston's working it. He's making the tropical mama. Oh, mama. Hey, mama. Oh, mama. Hey, mama.

I'm putting the booze into this jugger. I'm shaking it up for you drinking now, mama. Hey-ho. Drink the thing. I put a straw in it so you don't spill it down yourself Hey, Mama! Oh, boy. A little rusty over here.

Oh, Mannix, I got a big mama for you right here. A tropical mama. Don't forget the pineapple. Smash! Having done that whole display, Baston brings out a flagon of Contra with a piece of pineapple in it. This makes me more approachable, right? Oh, big time.

Well, gosh, I can't wait to get rat shit with you. I can't wait to get rat shit with you and just bloody, bloody, you know, have sex with a raccoon. You know how we say? You know, just really get in there. Good one, sir. I hope I have sex with a raccoon. I mean, Eden, when you say it, it is a lot more of a threat.

All right. to the raccoon. I mean, Eden, when you say it, it is a lot more of a threat. Alright, meanwhile. Gibbs and Joobs. Meanwhile. What has that done to Mannix? Because he's had to drink this very strong drink. It's like a poison. Mannix is poisoned. You have disadvantage for the rest of the day. And if you see a raccoon,

you have to do what your conscience demands. Meanwhile, Gibbs and Joobs, which is to say, Mancnot and Filge, have snuck out to where the four wagons are. Your own wagon? Dave, of the four wagons, is there a wagon that would clearly be ridden in by the leader, by

Mannix? Well, you can see Mannix's horse. Great. And it's attached to a wagon? No, because Mannix came by himself, remember? Right, okay, so he's not going to ride in the caravan at all. Well, again, I think we're getting stuck here on linguistics. The caravan is the convoy. So he will ride in the caravan. Sure.

Okay. So convoy is the brand of caravan. Wait, wait, wait. How many caravans in a convoy? How many wagons in a caravan? Ah. Of the four wagons that are available to us to check right now, Dave, are they all the same?

They are military issue. That's how you were able to get through all the patrols on the way here. They are adjudicator issue wagons. There's your one and three others. Is there one that looks like it would be travelling with goods? Is there one that looks like it's travelling with personnel? Which one has the most people in it? They all carry six people and their private gear.

So there's the one in the front, but you... Yeah, there's not... This is a small unit of equals, essentially. So what's the plan? We blow it all up, we smash this up really hard and then we say we found it like this? That's resistance stuff! Ooh, I mean, yes, but then we don't actually get to Daggift,

which is where we want to go. Well, we won't destroy our own one. Oh, I like this. You destroy all of them except your own one. Isn't that a real mean girl situation? No, no. Filch, I fucking love this. Let's do it.

All right, how much can we destroy? What are we going to do? You have two minutes because he's told them to come out to the wagons. You're inspecting them. So what can you do in two minutes to these three wagons? I think we can figure something out. Okay, Phillips, quickly. Okay, there's three wagons.

You need to bust one. I need to bust one. And then we need to get Bushu D2 out and he can burn someone on fire. Yes. And what's the one we're getting away on? That's our fourth one. That's our one. So we should hide that in the trees first.

Okay, yes. Okay, so Dave, first of all, we're hiding our wagon, and then the other three wagons, what we're doing is getting them in. So how does Filch want to destroy her wagon? I'm going to summon Flappy. Okay. Oh, it's been a while.

Thank you. Thank you. I don't think Flappy sounded quite like he was coming so much. Maybe he was in the middle of

something. Sorry. Was Flappy wanking? Was Flappy fappy? I can't remember what the voice

was. 110%. That's it. Sorry, you caught me in the middle of a big bird wank.

Oh, goody. Do you need to finish? No, you're finished? No, I'm done. Great. Done now. Flappy, I need you to help me destroy a carriage. Cool.

I'll do that if I... Yep. I don't know. You are a hawk, so what is a hawk going... You just summon a bird to destroy a wooden object? I thought he might like to feel like part of the team. Fields, I appreciate this and I'm going to do all I can. I'm going to beat the absolute crap out of all of these.

And I fly head first into... Really just bash it with my... Brain yourself against a wagon. All right, now Flappy passes out next to the wagon. It was a good run, wasn't it? All right, I'm just going to start smashing shit up with Thunder's Wake. Make a strength check for me. You can have advantage because of Thunder's Wake.

Meanwhile, you just need to see 15. Yeah, crushed it. You break the axle of the wagon, rendering it inoperable. Meanwhile. All right, Bushu Dito. Yeah, crushed it. You break the axle of the wagon, rendering it inoperable. Meanwhile... Um, all right, Bushu Dito. I'm going to take one of my bottles of vodka and cover this wagon in vodka. I need you to set it on fire.

Can you do that for me? I live to burn. Thank you, my son. I never doubted you. And meanwhile, what are you doing for your other one? And the other one, I think I'm going to just use my artillery tools to...

I imagine there's a saw or something in there. I'm just going to weaken the axle so it'll break halfway while we're going. Oh, that's smart. You gotten bored of your plan again and come up with a new plan? No, I just... Look, we need to separate them. Some will be stuck here, some will be stuck halfway there, and we'll go all the way to... Okay, quickly make for me an artificer's tools check.

Intelligence plus proficiency. Oh, no. I've got ten. All right, ten. So you're starting to soar at the axle, and it's proving tougher than you thought when you suddenly hear footsteps wandering behind you. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Guys. I snuck away from the party. Oh, great work, Bobson. Yeah, yeah, it's me, Bobson. What's the plan here? Were you guys going to... Look, he know, he know.

Mannix know about Cell 17 and the plan. Yeah, bloody hell. Did you hear? I got a bit of a shout out. Did you hear? Did you hear what he said? Yeah. He said, do you reckon that was me?

Wait, was that you who yelled at... Woohoo! Well, yeah, but I was in disguise. I was building hype. Wait. Bobson. Yes. You have to tell me if this is... You have to answer me correctly now. Okay, yes. Are you the fucking

mole? No! Oh, gosh, no! Did I sound right there? Insight check, insight check, insight check. Make an insight check. 15 plus insight is 16, Dave. What do you reckon? Well, I'm not... Okay.

You have no reason to believe that Bobson is the spy. With a 16. Ooh. Don't fuck me, Dave. Bobson, I have no reason to believe you are the spy right now. Okay, that's good. What are we doing? Okay, we're going to tell Mannix that we just found that the resistance has smashed this up

and that we're going to go chase them down. So get in the carriage that's not broken. Okay, but then what? We're going to Daggerford and then we're going to take on La Croix or whatever there, find out what's going on there, and then we're going up north to Icewind Dale. Come on, that's the start. Both of you make a perception check for me. You better not be the fucking mole.

That's a nat 20, motherfucker. All right, you... Yeah, 17. You hear the doors creaking, and like a real paranoiac, you spin around in time to see that Mannix is letting himself out, and in a second he's going to see the burning wagon.

No, you're funny. Good one, sir. Mannix, something terrible and bad has happened. It looks like the resistance has gotten to the carriages. Cell 17 could be among us right now. Cell 17? Well, who could the possible suspects be? Let's make a list.

We're going to go now and chase them all down. Did you see anybody do this? Because if you didn't, that's insane. What do you mean? No, it was like this when we came. We discovered. So you're saying that somebody in the spot. Now, hold on.

Let me understand this. I came in three minutes ago and everything was fine and then I sent the two of you out to check on the wagons and in that time

he stops to take a sip. This all this happens. This really does grow on you. Hey, can we hear this happening just inside? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I? I just want to grab anyone

who's not Bobby by the scruff of the neck and drag him outside and say, Sir, I found the culprit! I saw him do it, sir, with my own eyes. Okay, you grabbed a judicator called Dillamon. And he comes out.

Dillamon. I've never trusted Dillamon, sir. I was doing the pin the tail on the judicator. Oh, you would say that, you filthy Cell 17 traitor. What are you talking about? I don't know anything about this. I just took this job as a part-time thing. I paint landscapes.

What? That's what I was trying to do as a main job. Are you trying to give the NPCs rich background life? Very much so, Dave. Mannix, Judicator Mannix. That is exactly what a horrible traitor would say. He was fomenting unrest before. Make it.

All right, this is a deception check. He's drunk, so you have advantage against him. So who's doing it? This is Bobby and Baston are making this check. Yeah, I think Baston, you can... Oh, the wrong person to be. Oh, I'm going to be okay. Got advantage?

It's a spicy 10. It's advantage. Advantage, yeah. Oh, the wrong person to be. Oh, I'm going to be okay. Got advantage? It's a spicy 10. It's advantage. Advantage, yeah. Oh, 10. It stands at 10. It stands at 10. All right. Mannix looks very confused as he sort of tries to focus on Dillamon.

Dillamon, what are you trying to tell me? What's this about landscapes? I'm just saying they just grabbed me. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been here the whole time. I don't even like parties. My wife said I should go so I could make some friends for once. God damn it.

Why do you think no one likes you, Dillamon? It's because you're a fucking traitor. Look, I think Dillamon's on the level. Now, who are you for anyway? You weren't on the original manifest. Well, my name is Jooves. And I like nuts and chocolate and very human things. Come on.

Didn't you say you hated nuts? I have a diverse range of tastes. Brandon steps up. He's in fairness. In fairness to these fucking idiots, it does make sense. Brandon sits up. He's like, adjudicated. They weren't on the manifest because they were part of the surprise party, obviously.

All right, look, fine. I don't. All right. It was a surprise party. Do you understand? Yeah, you keep saying that. So we lured them. It was quite funny.

We lured them up here, thinking that it was all about thumb screws and torture. You're quite cross with me, aren't you? Go and wait in the burning wagon. Could I wait in the smashed wagon? Go and wait in the burning wagon. Adjudicator

Mannix, please do me the honour to lead the party to track down these saboteurs. Look, we're... Okay, I'm going. I'll take that as a yes. How many of the... Looks like two of the wagons are still operating.

Yes. Alright, look, this is what we're going to do. If something happens to LaCroix, our mutual employer will have my head. So we're going to send these two wagons ahead with 12 men. I will stay here. But I didn't want this to happen this way. Look. It's Boondock, right?

Oh, you're touching me. Oh, wow. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Yes, it is Boondock. You're absolutely right. All right, I have something for LaCroix. Yes, I'll do it. It's vitally important that it is given to LaCroix and no one else. Do you understand?

You can trust me absolutely. It is encoded with hexagrammatic wards that if it is opened by anyone else, I will know who opened it and why and then it will explode, killing just the person who it's holding unless the person isn't a character played by Michael Hing

in which case it will just kill Hing. You understand? Yes, yes. Thank you for telling me that. I wouldn't have been able to resist reading it. What? Here you go. Thank you. I will guard it with my life.

Excellent. As for the rest of you, we have to find these terrible resistance killers. Dillamon, you lead a party and go that way. Brandon, actually, Brandon, get out of the burning caravan. Oh, I've got to be really honest with you. I didn't really get in because it would kill me. Disobedience.

Maybe Brandon is the traitor. No, you know what? Brandon's going to go with you. The rest of the guards with me. You take Brandon with you. And keep an eye on him because I think he might be the resistance. I'll keep an eye on him because I know he doesn't have a rich backstory yet. To the caravan!

We'll take this one. Yep. Bags, shotgun bags, this one. Oh, this one that was hidden behind these trees. We'll take this one. Yeah, we'll take this one. In we hop. Gibbs.

I guess we'll take maybe Boondock. Yeah, why not? And Descent. Do you want to come with us? Sure. Descent, take all of them and take Brandon. All right, Brandon, come on.

All right, Brandon, you resistance fuck. Stupid fucking Brandon. All right. As the wagon departs, the Withered Dick, you can see already fanning out search parties of decimators

combing the countryside. Why was Bobson there? Oh, we definitely... Does anyone remember Bobson's fake name? Because I don't. And you see behind you, running at a clip, the figure of Bobson Dugnut. Don't forget me!

I'm the... Oh, of course, of course. Bobson, come along. Who's bloody Bob? The bloody, the terror of the Cell 17. Yeah, I'd like to get him. Ah, no, but I'm not him. So I'll come with you.

Sounds good. If you were him, I wouldn't like you. If I was him, I'd bloody suck him off to death. Brandon. Make another deception check. I'm sorry. No, Hing, make a deception check. Why should I?

I didn't say it. You have to. Okay, you make it. I didn't say it. Come on. Do I need to make a check to see if I believe him, Dave? Is that what that is? That's a 17.

No, a 17. Yes, no, I agree. If he was here, yes, no, that's a well-known thing we'd all do. We'd all suck him off to death because we hate him so much. Well done, Bombson. I mean, not Bombson. Come along. Nailed it!

As Banknote helps Bobson Dugnut onto the wagon, Brandon looks confused from Gibbs and then to DeSant, and is like, is he always like this?

Keep an eye on him. He might be one of cell 17. We don't know. Oh gosh, is he always like this? Keep an eye on him. He might be one of cell 17. We don't know. Oh, gosh, if he was one of cell 17, we'd all be dead, I reckon. Sorry, let me... So I understand this because it's rapidly descending into a farce. You're telling me that you... I'm not telling you anything.

I'm saying keep your eyes open. Close them. Open them. Close them. I'm not telling you anything. I'm saying keep your eyes open. Close them. Open them. Close them. I'm getting dizzy. You think that Jooves might be cell 17? No, not Jooves. He's far too stupid to be a defector.

What? What? Well, it's been a good night for all. Ah, the open road. You're just looking away from him hoping to trigger some kind of like crossfade Yeah, just change the subject Yeah, Dave

I think if we say that if we look in the middle distance surely the scene will end, Dave The scene doesn't transition and you just Oh, you're still here, Brandon? Ah, well, what would you like to talk about? Bob Sim goes

like in silence Portally! But I'm portally. What happened to you all? I saw all of you at the Sneaky Monkey a day ago, and we were talking about this plan, the surprise party, and you were some of the most competent commandos in the Judicators. What's happened to the lot of you?

There is a rat in our ranks, and excuse us if we're a little rattled. Yeah, totally. I'm rattled. Is it you, Brandon? It's you. Are you the rat? Oh, gosh, if it's Brandon, I'm going to blow my top. Prove to us, Brandon. You're acting suspicious.

Prove to us you're not resistant. Yeah, prove to us. We probably planned this entire surprise party to throw everything off kilter so that you could infiltrate. I didn't, I promise, I didn't. He's getting quite unnerved. How can we believe you, Brandon? What do you want me to do?

Prove your... Tell us something only Brandon would know. Something only Brandon would know? Yes, because we know everything Brandon knows. Because they can disguise themselves. Here's how we know. Often when people are disguising themselves as other people, they forget their

names of the people they're pretending to be or details of those characters or something like that. So if you're really Brandon, you need to tell us stuff about Brandon that we would know because we know Brandon. Tell us about a time you pissed yourself, Brandon. Tell us about what you know about the intricacies of the belief.

For example, Brandon, if that is you. Somebody make an intimidation check. You have advantage because you outnumber him. Who's the most intimidating? Probably Filge. Yeah, Filge. Unfortunately, Filge rolled a one and a ten. Yeah, so 13 is my highest.

Oh, you bloody guys are having a go at me, aren't you? This is a Gibbs birthday go. Yeah, it is. Gibbatron strikes again. Donk. Tron strikes again. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Donk. Can you explain for the podcast what bonk is? I bonk him on the head.

Make an attack roll. Are you trying to kill him or just knock him out? Knock him out. I could probably just do that with my big, big hammer, can't I? You're using Thunderwank. Yeah, so use with it. Yep, so I definitely got him. That's a 19. Yep, that gets him.

And just roll for me quickly. Does she need to see if she doesn't kill him? Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. Do I do my normal? Yeah, d8 plus 2d6. Right, I got a... Do you want me to add them all up, Dave? That is traditional, yes. 12.

All right, 12. There is a clunk and Brandon rolls down onto the floor of the wagon, unconscious but not killed. Yes. That's the sweet spot. And the wagon is yours. Bobby, finish the job. No!

Why don't we just tie him up and blindfold him and gag him? Great idea. Okay. And just stab him a couple of times. What should we dress him up as? We're in a war. There's no dress-ups. Only bodies and blood.

Wait, but aren't we all playing dress-ups right now? Yeah, we're all in dress-ups right now. Hey, guys, you know we've got, like, if we continue along this path, we've got, like, a one-stop-off before, like, everybody... We're not going straight to Daggerford. We've got, like, one night. It's two days, so you're going to have to camp halfway through. So if we kill him, I'm just saying that it's going to be a problem.

No, no, if we kill him. Bobby gets out his dagger, lifts up his shirt and carves a 17 into his back. Whoa! Oh! What is your fucking alignment? I mean, does he wake up?

Would that not wake you up? It's going to be so uncomfortable. If you get knocked out, stabbing doesn't wake you up out of a concussion. Well, I just rolled a 20. Imagine if it did. No, but that 20 is a constitution check and you absolutely crushed it so you don't wake up.

Yeah, so you barely didn't feel any pain at all. So no, you meticulously carve a 17 into his back. This is just like the time that we got really drunk in LA with some listeners and I got a tattoo and didn't feel anything. It's exactly like that. Is everybody just letting Bobby do this?

No, I'm not. Well, I feel like he's done it very quickly but Bastogne comes back and he says, now, I know you died in space

but, you know, what's this about, man? Do you want to talk again? I've already told you that I can't help you, but have you sought out help from other places? I mean, what's this going to do, man? This isn't 11 talk. This isn't 11 action.

This man who has been knocked out is now irrefutable proof that the 17 have infiltrated and we've captured them. It's an alibi to our lie. Actions, actions, actions. Oh, I thought you were leaving our mark on him. My bad. Sorry. Oh.

Were you just like, oh, that's our theme now? Oh, that's a cool thing we can do now. All right. Every time we take a body, we leave the 17 in the back. Are we doing that? We're marking people now? Cool. Have you been doing that

the whole time? I did too. Hell yeah. It's a path. Remember when Bagnet was a good boy? So where do we go now? Where do we go?

We go to wherever we were supposed to go. Oh we don't know where we were supposed to go. We go to Daggerford. Daggerford. To report to Daggerford Castle. Ah and then I've got to giveaford Castle. Ah, and then...

I've got to give him this thing. As a gift to the Duke, we will present him with this traitor. Oh. Why did the traitor tattoo himself again? Because that's what they all do in South 17. They all do. It's the new hottest thing going around in South 17. Oh, that's cool.

I can see. So look, we're going to have to just like say we're going to skip the rest stop and ride through the night. Yeah, I like that. Yep. Okay, so are we going to tell anybody this or are we just going to do it? Who are we telling? Who would we tell? The other bloody caravan.

Who would we tell? No, no, the other caravan, they stayed with the others. Oh, well then we're bloody home and ho. Let's just do whatever we want. Have a wank. I don't care. No, no, not a wank. Did someone say have a wank?

That, sorry. 100%. Bastron takes the reins and goes, Yah! Yah! Yah! And Bobby who's driving alongside watches. Let's do a

montage of everybody driving. Okay. Yah! Nobody knows Sidewatches. Let's do a montage of everybody driving. Okay. Okay. Yah! Yah! Nobody knows the troubles I've seen. Oh, that was me. I'm sorry. Am I driving?

Am I driving? Oh, goodness. Guys, guys, everything's fine. Everything's fine. Click, click, click, click, click, click. Clip-a-clop, clippy-clop, clip-clip-clop. Everyone's sleeping to my song. Such rich texture. Bobson's like, okay, how about this?

You've got to see a cow with another... Oh, nobody's awake. Okay, that's fine. Just want to play some road games. Bobson, keep it down, we're trying to sleep. Yep, good-o. And while everybody gets asleep, you can all take a short rest if you want. Oh, yeah. While you're there.

So you get a few hit dice worth of health back. And in fact, I'll give you a long rest. So maximum hit points back. Oh, yes. And you ride for the night and morning comes. Everybody gets good sleep with the exception of when Phil just driving, presumably. But eventually you make your way to Dagavid Castle and as you

do, as you look at yourselves your forms start to shift and you find yourselves, your disguises are falling as you your own forms manifest themselves again. Oh no. Okay guys, look

this isn't the worst thing in the world. But it's a pretty bad thing. We thought you were going to say something good then. No, no, no, no. I was just trying to buy myself time. Don't you have the wand? The wand, yeah. Look, I've been looking at it when Phil was driving.

I was trying to sleep but kind of look at it. It's on the bloody fritz. I reckon we can... Do you need someone to have a t but kind of look at it. It's on the bloody fritz. I reckon we can... Do you need someone to have a tinker with it? Is it... I mean, is it... Yeah, I mean, it's mechanical

if you want to have a look at it because I was... I'm going to have a tinker day. It's technomantic. Yeah, make another Artifices Tools check. 14 plus 3, 17. 17?

Yes. Alright, you look at it. It is almost drained out but you do a little bit of tinkering and it reinforces with some magical filament. I don't know. And wire.

Oh, it's fucking dragon cum. Who cares? I open the top, Dave, and then I take out my little vial of dragon cum, and I put three drops of dragon cum in there for the three of us who know. Wait. Five. Five drops of dragon cum in there to fix the wand. Okay, this is using the last of your dragon cum.

I just want to be really clear. Take dragon cum off your list. After this, you will have no more dragon cum. So, with that in mind... Dragon cum. Stop it. Don't be frightened. The thing is, people always say you need dragon cum,

but any cum or two, really. Oh, I've missed this. I think this is a record. Four of you, heads in your hands. Four of the six people on this table just, oh, what the fuck are we doing? This fucking show. The wand is going to be fried.

This is jerry-rigging even by your standards. It will blow up if it's used, but you can probably get one more dose of disguised self for everybody. Bing, bang, bong. Bing, bang, bong. Bing, bang, bong. Bing, bang. Who do you at last?

And what are you disguising? Bob's indefinitely. What are you disguising us as? Back into the... Same as. Oh, great. So I think I'm disguising you as DeSant and you as Boondock and you as Notfield.

Your name is Gibbs. My name is Jooves. Yes, we know that. And the last one that you hit is Dobson, and the wand is very much starting to be on the fritz, sparking wildly, and as you hit him, there's a crack. As the magic takes place and his face turns into the face of Portally, but he doesn't...

Portally! But he doesn't grow back to human half-elf size. So he's still a little gnome. A little Portally. I'm a little... Well, I was going to say that, actually. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So as the person it affected,

I think I had first dibs at the joke about it. But is that like I didn't say it? But you are now at the... Well, I can't. You are at the gates of Daggerford Castle. I just love the fact that this is what's going to throw him over the edge. I'm just having my joke. Okay, Haru, what's the plan?

We come in, we say who we are, the fake us, not real. No. No, that's really smart. Okay. And we say, we give the letter and then what? What do we do with old Bladyback here? There's no sneaky element. What do we do with Bladyback?

No. Oh, Bladyback. Oh, we bring Bladyback in? Yeah. We say. I want my Bladyback. Excuse me? Nothing.

What? Bladyback has woken up by, unless you keep hitting him, he's woken up. He's been gagged. He's gagged. We might have to hit him again, otherwise he'll... No, but the thing is, if you hit him again, you could kill him. I mean, why is he alive anyway? We plant the seed of doubt.

Why are you alive, Backer? No, I didn't mean metaphorically. I mean, what purpose does he serve to us? I know my purpose I serve to us. What about him? Wait, wait, go on. Deeper into that. What? What's your purpose? What's my purpose I serve to us. What about him? Wait, wait, go on. Dig deeper into that. What?

What's your purpose? What's my purpose? Yeah. I'm a good boy. Yeah, but you had to dig deeper than that for a second. No, I think we're in the middle of a breakthrough here. Let's, um... My purpose is, look, I'm here to live up to my father's dreams

because my family's reputation has been left in ruin and I must be the hero of the people. Now that my father's gone, someone's got to fucking do it, don't they? How do you be a good boy in a time of war? Uh, you... win. Okay, next. Why don't we give?

Why don't... Oh, you know what we can do to prove it? You know what we can fucking do to prove it? Oh, you seem very excited about this. You are going to take the note that old fuckhead gave to you. Yes. And we're going to wake up. Shut the fuck up.

You're still asleep. We're going to give it to him. Yes. And he's going to open it in front of LaCroix. And it's going to blow up and fucking kill him. Oh, is it? That way he can't talk anymore. And then LaCroix is going to gonna blow up and fucking kill him. Oh, is it? That way he can't talk anymore and then LaCroix's gonna know that he was part of Cell 17

and we're all gonna look like fucking heroes to LaCroix and then we can kill LaCroix and then we can take over this fucking town and I'll be the fucking hero. Sorry, Bobby, yes, questions on the floor.

How do you make him open it? If you don't open it, I'll fucking kill you. But hang on, I love it. Thank you. Straight away, let me just say, oh, bloody great, some questions. What does that prove at all? Because we're going to tell LaCroix

that Mannix rigged the letter so it would be blown up by anyone who's a member of the resistance and then to prove that this man who's got the bleeding back was a member of the resistance he's going to open the letter and blow up. You see?

It's an elaborate ruse. But we already have... It's a hat on a hat. We already have... Because we've done the 17. At this point, the caravan... The caravan. The wagon, the caravot, has gone over the bridge

and it comes to a stop in front of two snooty-looking guards who are standing at the gates of Daggerford Castle. Well, you two look snooty, don't you? Well, I suppose you could say that, that we look a little snooty. Oh, I don't know. I don't even care how snooty I am anymore. I have given up the garden life, if I'm honest.

I don't really care. I want to just sit and write my book. Hey, Pierre, do not say such a thing. You're a good guard. Have pride in your guarding. I don't care anymore. Sacre bleu.

I'm so racist in my voice that I just don't want to do it anymore. Can I sneak past while this conversation is coming? You can absolutely, the entire wagon. I mean, Tress is God. The wagon goes past, leaving those two to their existential crisis. The doors grind open and you find yourself, the wagon in fact travels through the antechamber

that has been widened in your absence into a thoroughfare that leads directly into the central court of Dagavid Castle. A few courtiers can be seen at a distance and there are four guards at the end of the room, but dominating the room as always is the raised dais with the throne of the Duke of Dagothid. And wedged inside that throne, which is positively groaning under his influence, is Pomplamoose LeCroy.

Hey! Hello, some adjudicators from our sister city in Waterdeep. I heard you came here for some security for my name day. That's very sweet of you. That's cute. I don't think that would be required, but it's nice to be thought of, as they say. Adjudicated dissent reporting, sir. We come directly from Mannix.

Oh, that's nice. How is he? Well, sir, he come directly from Mannix. Oh, that's nice. How is he? Well, sir, he is perturbed. Ranks of Cell 17 attempted to infiltrate. Oh, I heard about this. I got a little letter that I read. That's bad, I suppose. Cell 17 came here last time

and I saw them off with my bravery and courage. Does this fellow's face ring any bells? And he like tosses Brandon onto the ground in front of him. I'll be honest, no. It was the... Perhaps you've heard of them last time I saw them. The dragon friends. It was a slight embarrassment for some people.

But perhaps this man is part of that crew, I don't know he bears the markings of Selza Van Taney whips his shirt off is that what they do? that's a big 17 on his back it's gaudy but they're so brazen

that's gooch one more deception check please Gooch. Another, one more deception check, please. That's a 17 plus 9, so 26. LeCroy nods in an irritating way and he clicks his fingers at two of the guards and he says, take this one and throw him into the dungeon. Sir Mannix did not know of this. You found it out yourselves? We made discovery on our way here.

Mannix does not know yet. Sir. This is... Me name is Gibbs. Gibbs and... Boondock. Boondock, straight off the block. Gibbs Boondock Boondock straight off the block

Gibbs Boondock what's that and oh look he looks at the note for this why does he do such a thing Banko's gonna put on

a voice to trick him okay he's never heard your voice but go on my name is Joobs Jooves.

Jooves, lovely. Look, this is remarkable work. I don't know if you know this. Maybe you heard. I mean, I don't know how you would not hear this, but it is the Duke's name day. So tonight we're having a little soiree. It's not a big deal. It's like, well, it's sort of the biggest thing that happens

in Daggerford ever so Anyway, tickets are like really exclusive obviously But for such a good job that you've done would you like to maybe come? Oh We would not only like to come we would like to serve as your personal guard. Oh, well, I have them. Oh, but we are the best. Well, you did find the traitor, but...

Wait, I'll one up that. We'd like to serve as your personal guests. Okay, that's what I was offering in the first place. So, look, it's like a semi-formal thing. It's like nine o'clock. We'd love to. And was there anything else from Mannix?

Oh, yes. Oh, this. Don't open it or it'll explode in your face. Wait, what? This is a personal... Oh, but it's addressed to me so I will open it anyway.

Ah! He looks at it. No, I'm good. You're holding it gingerly. Written on it is just in Mannix's simple hand. It! He looks at it. No, I'm good. You're holding it gingerly. Written on it is just in Mannix's simple hand. It says, for your safety. And he looks at it and he breaks the seal on it. Banknote, it winces, but nothing happens.

Instead, it collapses open like a flower, revealing a signet jewel that you, Banknote, from where you're standing, recognise. No need for any roar because it is a signet jewel of the house. Banknote, one that you have not seen since you were a child. This is the signet jewel

that was owned by your grandfather, the famed artificer. We didn't write, that was, that's placeholder banknote. Placeholder it is. What was placeholder? Cannon! Cannon! Did you write placeholder banknote. Placeholder it is. What was placeholder? Did you literally? Did you write?

Yep. Did you write placeholder banknote? We had three months to finish these notes. Oh, come on. The proud tradition. The renowned artificer, placeholder banknote. The last time you saw this signet jewel, it was on your father's lapel. It is of great pride to your house.

You know that your father would not let his hands off it, and he would protect it with his life. And this is the first time that you have seen it in many years. Oh, my good goodness. Is this the jewel of placeholder Banknot? Can it be? We wouldn't know. Well, I will tell you this.

I know the banknote family. And as he says this, he hops off the throne and he walks up to what you had missed on the side of the room. He waddles. Which is what looks like a giant iron barrel. And he goes, you see, this was recovered from the banknote house. I tell you the truth. We did not know it was even in there. But a mysterious fire destroyed the building, revealing placeholder banknote's secret laboratory.

Otherwise, we would have had no idea. No idea. We would never have found this. It's like a one in a billion, a trillion. But we found it in the ashes, and I'm so excited. And you see this slot here, this little slot at the top of the barrel? Now hold your hands on your balls, my friends, for I think we are about to witness something just a teeny bit remarkable. LeCroy gingerly slides the signature into the barrel slot mechanism.

There is a groan and then the iron bands on the barrel begin to rotate as a dark light pulses inside, shining between the heavy fireproof planks that flank it. Suddenly the whole barrel groans, twists and flips back on its side as articulated crab legs appear out of its back and a giant gleaming mechanical pincer and then another claw themselves telescoping out of ports that materialise on its midsection, exhorts ports,

gyro up as whistle smoke blows out of the entire top half, opens up revealing a pod with a giant velveteen thrown and a gleaming bank of levers opening up that LeCroy gleefully squishes himself into. As the dials in front spin, he turns the entire crab around and he says, behold, my friends, the banknote apparatus.

I think I am going to enjoy having a little go, which he will on the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you! You knew I wanted the spider from Wild Wild West. You knew that's all I wanted, Dave. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hulme. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy.

Shakira Khan designs our website, the podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney. Until next time. Does anybody have any questions about the first half that we will answer for you now before we start? Anything that didn't make sense? If you've missed it, let us know. Typically it's the second half that's really drunk and loose. What made you deviate?

Wonderful question. Great question. Yeah, because this is about to be really sober.