Dragon Friends - #6.12. This, How You Say, Crab

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

Honestly, Your guess is as good as mine. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Ear Jockeys. Dave here. Just a note that we have a whole brand new line of merchandise that's just dropped on TeePublic. Everything from t-shirts to pillows to hoodies to phone cases is available from our storefront online. If you want to have a look at what we've got on offer, you can find it at thedragonfriends.com slash merch. Just make sure you click the TeePublic banner at the top of the page. Also, if you have any ideas for merch we should be making in the future, just let us know in the Dragon Huddle on Facebook. That's all. Enjoy the show. Why are you annoyed?

Because I think you knew that I wanted the spider from Wild Wild West. So you're very upset, therefore, that your Dungeon Master included it in the campaign? No, but you didn't give it to us. You gave it to our enemy. Yeah. So do you want everything just to be literally handed to you? You know what I'm going to do? One time this episode, I am going to do something very nice for you.

Okay. And I want you to acknowledge and remember it. You owe me! In a jungle, bobbing pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was he? Learning to read from a talking dog, yeah. Way back though, he runs his papa's company. Dark Lord Strut. He's a very naughty man. Finally together. The life of hope we call the Dragon Friend.

The Ducal Revels of Daggerford. Proud tradition spanning back hundreds of years since the time that a small boy stabbed a lizard man on a ford somewhere and doubtless created a wonderful backstory for a complex caravan trading town. Gotta write this shit down, man. It's hard to do it when we improvise the first half of the show.

The dragon friends have found themselves now at the court of Pomplamoose La Croix, administrator of these lands in the name of the vampire Von Zarovich himself, otherwise known as Strahd. You have come here as guards, but already you have been promoted to guests, it seems, for your sterling work, uncovering a vicious criminal working for Cell 17, crack commando outfit, under the command of the baby king of Waterdeep himself, who meant LaCroix harm. For that service, you find yourselves now with a table amidst, I would say, approximately 40 civic dignitaries of Daggerford,

some of whom you possibly remember, but all of them toffs. Is Crawford there? Crawford, you have not yet seen, but you can see a couple of other likely faces. Dr. Arian Nossus, the local doctor and autopist? Autopsist? Excuse me? Coroner?

Coroner? Is it the coroner we know? Yeah, the coroner we know Dr. Ariannosis Yeah, yeah Also What was her tick? She couldn't say any words She didn't know the names of any body parts

Is that right? Was that what it was, Ben? Yeah Also you see monks from the New Hill Sanatorium Priests from the various temples All kinds of toffs. Smiggins is there in a corner. Looking good.

Looking great, actually. Any sign of Smiggins, Smiggins? No, he's got a new suit on. And Smiggins is Smiggins. You know what? There's something just moving around in his pocket. And a little telescope every now and then sometimes shows itself. But of LaCroix, articulated Meccano Mancer himself.

He is nowhere. Sorry, I haven't done this in three months, but I just tried to drink my microphone. I was just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Articulated Meccano Mancer himself. He is nowhere to be seen. The room has the buzz of a party that is not quite popping yet. The bar is open.

The side table is surprisingly pedestrian. And the dragon friends have a table to themselves. Oh, guys, this is a bit bloody swish, isn't it? So is LaCroix in this robot? He is nowhere to be seen. Oh, he's not in the robot. He's not here yet. The only people, so far the room is still filling up.

You can see an Imperial-style box at the back of the theatre where presumably he is. This whole theatre, by the way, is the centre of the second floor of Daggerford Castle. What's the chandelier situation? The chandelier situation? Yeah. One, in normal narrative stakes, there's just one big fuck-up chandelier.

Yeah, and is it tied up? It's a big rope. Can I fan over the opera, that shit? I mean... Oh, yeah. It goes without saying, yes, but it is directly over you. I'm going to fan over the opera, the shit. Well...

Oh, you will curse the day. Did we never discover the theatre inside the Dagenford Castle the whole of last season? You never went up to the second floor. What kind of like... The third floor has a functioning alchemy lab and wizard's tower. Give us an idea of what level of professional theatre is this? Okay, so there's a...

So obviously like cabbages played elsewhere. Small proscenium arch. But would you say... Moderate fly tower. Minimum four flies. Eight fly lines. Sure. Yeah, alright.

Four flies for eight fly lines? Are you kidding me? They can stagger them and bring them in diagonally. Alright, but my point is... Is there a gantry? Do you think that the Daggerford players, when they were doing cabbages, were saying, we'll play Daggerford Castle if we...

Is that off-broadway? It was pathetically staged in a way that suggested that they had designed it to this theatre, to perform the play in front of the king. Hey, guys, so sorry to interrupt. It's rare for me to make this kind of point, but in high school I was too busy making out with people.

And, you know, sucking myself off. So I didn't quite learn about, I don't know, theatre or Flylines or Phantom of the what the fuck. What does any of this... What does Phantom of the Opera in a chandelier involve? What does Phantom of the Opera in a

chandelier involve? It's tied up by a rope. I'm just thinking this crab's going to show up at some point. What does that mean? If he has never seen Phantom of the Opera you're in for a treat. It's one of those things where If this is going to end

And you're going to guess a fucking number again Seriously Wait, wait Can we quickly do the thing Where Hing explains what he thinks Phantom of the Opera is about? Yes, please Okay, I think there is

An opera Nailed it Okay, so there's Okay, this is backstory, right? I reckon there is an opera. Nailed it. Okay, so there's... Okay, this is backstory, right? I reckon there's a fucking... I reckon there's an opera, like, in a theatre or some shit, right? Oh, my God, how did you guess it? No, and I reckon there's, like...

Because I've seen the mask. Obviously, it's a half mask. I reckon there was a guy who got fucked up in a fire when the theatre was burnt down, then it got rebuilt. Yep. I mean, this is an old story. It's not... Andrew Lloyd Webber did not invent this story.

Oh, so is this right? Yeah. So far, so good. Oh, fuck yeah. Okay, so that's why he's covering his face. And I reckon he, like, I don't know, maybe he has, like, a family in the attic and he passes the burnt face mask now generation to generation.

It's like, you know how in the comic The Phantom. You're thinking of The Phantom. This is always the fucking problem is that everything that you remember is from some kind of parody of it. You're going to be like, The Phantom lives at the Opera Populaire in Paris because he's been

cursed because the new owner has stolen his recipe for flaming Moe's. Do you know that Dave directed a production of Phantom of the Opera in Canberra? I did. It's true. Oh, fuck. I saw that. I drove down and saw that.

Well, then you're fucking cheating. Fuck. Fuck. And sorry, can I ask, in your production, was there a family of phantoms living in the attic? Was that an artistic choice? It was a brave artistic choice. Were you even fucking there? I mean, I drove to...

Look, all I know is I went to Canberra to watch it. You know. He's got him switched the whole time. The prologue on Skull Island. Anyway, Dave, the lighting was great. The lighting was great, Dave. And how did they remember all those lines? Michael Hing there, yeah,

playing fucking Nintendo Switch in the corner. So something's twigged for Bobby, and at the table, he says to everyone, hey, guys, did you think I was just, when I did the carve the 17 into the, did you think I was just des I did the carve the 17 into the did you think I was just desecrating a live

body for no reason oh that's because in my head I was like this is it they'll think it's a oh

thought did cross my mind I thought that's what you were doing I thought that you'd broken bad pretty hard oh because there was a plan the whole time like I just thought that I was oh no I'm sure there was

it didn't seem like you just made it up on the spot when we thought, yeah, that's fine. You just did it so quick, you know, and you were just like... Almost like you did it out of instinct. I'm smart. It was a planned idea.

It was like forethought. Yeah, right. What do you... What do you... Do you think that I'm capable of that? Well, I mean, we see you do it, so yeah, we think maybe you're capable. Every time I do it, there's a reason.

Yeah, the reason was this time to mark the body. So I guess people would know we did it, I guess. You know who else always had a reason? Who? Friso. I mean, I wouldn't know anything about him, but he seems rather cool. Hey, guys, the Rebels are about to start. I've just positively filled my pants with shrimp.

With what? Thank God. I really thought you were going to say faeces. Does he think that once the Rebels start, they're going to make him leave? Well, look, there's a good chance. So I've gotten, I've stepped, what I've done. Okay, so, and I'd encourage everybody to do this. You put a lining of napkins in your pockets and then just, it's shrimp time, baby.

But by the time you get home, the shrimp will all be spoiled. Yeah, it'll be rancid. That's why I'm eating so much shrimp right now. Bobson, why don't you just eat the shrimp off the plate like everybody else? Because people might take it. We're at the richest party in the entire city. Yeah, but... Yeah, by the richest man in the entire city. Yeah, but... Yeah, by the richest man in the entire city.

Sure. I have a feeling you're not going to run out of shrimp. Look out, there's eight plates of shrimp for this table alone. Do you think we're going to steal all of them? Yeah, maybe you just robbed us of shrimp. Are you guys going to finish that shrimp? Come on, come on. Bastard clearly wants some shrimp,

and you're putting it all in your pants. Now, look, what I've done is I've tied my pants at the ankles. See? And he stuffed napkins down his legs. They just fill them right up. Are the napkins protecting your legs? Oh, there's no napkins. I've just packed a little around the package, yes.

Have these been shelled or not? Oh, well, look, I'm more shrimp than man here is all that I'll say. Look, all me saying is it wouldn't hurt to show a little decorum, especially when all you can do is layer levels and levels of smoked salmon upon each other under your top. And Phil slips up her top and she's got, like, what? Like, salmon strapped to her? Yeah.

Like it's a bowl. Rolls of smoked salmon. Like it's a bowl. And plus, very insulating. If we have to go outside, look at me. Me will not be shivering. Filch is sweating profusely. We're all killing this.

We know how to party. But hey, look, do we have a plan for what happens next? Do we have a run sheet for the evening? There is actually, yeah. There is a small menu and the night revels. You can see a little card that has been placed at your table. Actually, Dave, can I do a can of check on me to see how much longer this disguised self spell is going to last?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we read the card? Oh, that's a two. I guess I don't know. You don't. Dilla's choice. Five. Yeah, no, no idea.

Could we have a little read the card? Can I have a go of reading the card? You can, because you can read. Filch can read. Filch got taught to read recently. Trains by a... Dolphin. Correct. Filge got taught to read recently. Trained by a dolphin. Correct. Yes.

That is our rich backstory. So if Filge is doing this, is it hard enough that she has to make an intelligence check? No. Oh, it's fancy calligraphy. Yeah, sure. It's kind of meaningless because someone else can read it. 16. Oh, effortlessly.

Filge picks it up upside down. Is too proud to turn it around, but still is able to read it. So it says that the evening has a complimentary fish, all fish buffet. Is it not all complimentary? Wait, Dave, did it describe itself as an all fish buffet or an all seafood buffet?

No, all fish. So what's the shrimp doing there? Mistake. That's not shrimp. Up to the all fish buffet there is a... Okay, well fuck you Ben. You know what there is? First of all there is a private

performance by the Master of Rebels followed... Ooh, I'm the Master of Rebels, yes! Well, there you go. Alright, followed by Ben's off the hook. The three Bontiff sisters with their production of How It Happened, The True Story. Hing, Alex, Simon, go.

Ooh, this is how it happened, baby. They're all waiting backstage. Okay. And then after that, Bob's... It just is Bob's and Doug Nutt private performance. Well, he... That's weird because he's the head of Cell 17. And the stage

manager. No, you're right. Sorry. It's my buddy. No, it says Portally presents Bobson Dugnut. No, it says there's a private performance with Bobson Dugnut and what they do is they paint a big target on the stage and they wait to see if anyone's going to go there and all of us wait around and we're like,

if he comes on the stage I'm going to suck him off to death. No, I think it's, what's happened is one of the guards, Portally, has, Bobson, Portally has said,

I'm a Bobson, Doug, not impersonator and I want to, you know, because everybody's so worried about him I'm going to do a,

I'm going to do a bit. And so after the Sisters Bond have come up the stage, a harried stage manager with like a fairy on an earpiece in his ear. Oh, that's so cute. Comes out and... And do they flip between? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really nice.

Great world building, Dave. Thank you. He comes out and he says, Portally, your comic turn. Oh, so this is actually happening now? It's happening now. We needed you backstage five minutes ago to put on your costume. But the Duke isn't even here yet. He hasn't arrived.

The adjudicator will make his entrance at the climax of your piece. All right, well... You are the supporting act. Fuck you. So Bobson comes out and describe what he sees. He's sweaty. So he looks up and he sees expectantly about 40 dignitaries around. As was requested by Portally, there's a hat stand with a quick change costumes on it. There's a table that has three small eggs,

a magic wand and a sharp, very sharp dagger. Now we know that Bobson from the previous chapter is not good at improv. And Banknote, knowing that, kind of makes a known glance to Bobson and is waiting side of stage and sort of giving him a thumbs up. Like, if you need me, I'm right here. Don't worry.

Sorry, is he with you? We understood it was just to be you on. We can get him back in his chair. No, I'm a professional. You've booked me to be a corporate entertainer and I have a retinue. You're okay. I know what a retinue is.

So he comes out on stage And he goes Hello I'm not Bob Stugnut Yes and But if I was God I'd have a big dick Boo

But I'd have Little dick everyone knows But it'd be But I'd But I'd hate it Anyway guys Have you heard the latest out of the resistance Gosh

They're bunch of They're a bunch Oh Can you give me a line They're a bunch Do you need a hand? Can you give me a line? Okay, I'm going to come out No, no, no, just give me a joke What do you mean give you a joke? I don't have any material about Bob's

Say something Okay, I don't know My name's Bob's My name's Bob's and Doug knows And sometimes when I'm scared my dick goes inside myself And when I come,no. And sometimes when I'm scared, my dick goes inside myself. And when I cum, I cum inside myself. Sometimes when I'm scared, my dick goes inside myself. And I cum inside myself.

Bravo! Bravo! Whoa, what a rip, Chickler. But how does the crowd take that, though? Because, in fairness, David... I think that's a performance role, Dave. In fairness... That feels like a performance role.

You know... Probably with advantage, because he's being helped by his friend Banknote. Did you know what I was going to suggest? Sell 17 more like sellout 17, which might have been, you know, a little less on the nose than... But... My dick goes inside myself when I cum inside myself.

When he's scared. But in fairness, David, they don't like him. You have had three months by yourself to do whatever bullshit you wanted to do. We were doing Zoom recordings. We could cut it out. So just roll these two dice and see how the audience feel with advantage.

It's a performance check. I'll DM this feel with advantage. It's a performance check. I'll DM this bit. Ben, it's a performance check. DC 15, but you get advantage because you're being held by your friend Banknote. And also I'd say that they're really receptive to anything bad about Bob's and Doug's. Absolutely. And we can all admit it would be bad if when you got scared, your dick went inside itself.

So that's an 18. Well, I think that beats that beats you, Dean. I love it. Hey, Ben, congratulations on succeeding in that role. The crowd goes wild and really enjoys your hilarious joke.

Oh, gosh. Yeah. Oh, gosh. I'm Bobson Dugnut and I am... Go say it again. But then there is a drum roll

and two spotlights hit the far end of the room. You are instantly smothered in darkness as a huge banner descends, obscuring Bobson from the stage as it says, We love the Duke LaCroix. The drum roll continues. And then six trumpeteers dressed like cherubim all stand up, which is to say nappies and wings,

all stand up playing on their six little horns as there is a crack, a thunderous crash, and the door bursts open, ripped apart by two crab claws as Pompilabous LeCroy works his way into the room, astride his mechanical beast, the Apparatus Banknote. Oh, all of this is from me? You should not have.

You should not have. I would have preferred something so much smaller, so much more humble, something like a... He just walks forward. One of his feet has gotten trapped by spearing through a chair, and he's trying to shake it off. It doesn't matter. I'm 40.

Again. Again. Anyway. So you see, I have this, I say, crab. So that's good. So that's like a nice thing for my birthday. Most people turn 40 and they don't get like a crab. You know?

Or maybe they get the crabs. I've been drinking. So anyway, what's next? What's next on the rundown, Dave? The rundown after that, it just says, Queen Tribute Band, 45 minutes. This will be hell. Hey, those four guards,

the ones that exposed the traitor. By the way, he was a traitor. He died. You know? So we killed him. How did you know he was a traitor? Oh, because we were like,

tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, and instead he died. We're going to do an inside check to see if Banknote knows if torture works or not. I guess I want to know

if Brandon was really a traitor and we just killed one of our own or if... Like, okay. I mean, what are you checking there? Insight.

So I got a seven, Dave. Do I know anything? Do I know anything, Dave? What's in my brain? Less even than you think. Anyway, these heroes, these wonderful Inquisitor boys... No, not Inquisitor. That was another season.

Judicator. Judicator boys. Look at them. Clap them, everybody, on my 40th birthday. I want them to join me in my private box. And he pulls a lever on the panel in front of him, and two eye stalks pop out of the crab and shine floodlights at your table.

Oh, that's cool. That's fucking cool. I want that fucking crab. So join me, please. Hop on my back, as you say, and we will ascend to my private box. Scrap ride! So you'll jump onto the back of it,

and he climbs up, gouging, it has to be said, huge claw marks in the ionic columns on the side of the theatre, ripping off most of the theatre ripping off most of the balcony and then alighting daintily

in the box with his legs kicking aside most of the chairs to make space. And then he gets handed a note he's like oh yes and

your next act crazy little thing called gloves and then the Queen tribute band comes on. They're called Crazy Little Thing Called Gloves? Yeah. With a company of magicians. Can we hear a little bit of that from the musicians?

Are they a tribute band or do they do parodies? Are they doing a parody song? No, they're a tribute band. It's really up to them. Do you know the words to this, Cardi? Hey, welcome. It's so glad to be here. Wow, what a great place.

We are the Queen Tribute Band. Yo, my name's Mike. It's just one guy running around to different instruments. Yeah, my name's Mike and I'm the drummer. Yeah, my name's Bill and I play bass guitar. And we're going to do Crazy Little Thing Called Love on almost all the worlds. Come on, guys.

One, two, three, four. A doo-wop, a woo-dup, a little crazy thing called love on almost all the worlds. Come on, guys. One, two, three, four. A doo-wop, a woo-duh, a little crazy thing called love. Yeah, yeah. Thank you very much, everyone. It's your big, big, great audience. Oh, that was the whole thing.

That was the whole thing. More of it was introductions of band members than singing, I must say. You know what, Gibbs, you're right. You are as perceptive of traitors as you are of lacklustre musical acts. LaCroix, let us talk of the next steps for crushing the resistance. Oh my goodness, please, it is my 40th again.

Did you hear me say it before? Yeah. Oh we laughed so loud it was like a quiet laugh. Like you know. Oh you like were heaving. Yeah it's so funny though. Anyway. It's interesting Gibbs. Your voice seems to have changed quite a bit. Oh you, we met before

obviously. Well like in the last like five minutes. You had like a sort of pseudo cockney thing going on oh me forgot about that a long time ago yeah no me haven't me voice changed when i had my birthday recently as well yes guess how old me is oh my goodness 21 oh what Oh, what? I hate you. I hate you. That is so funny. Anyway. Oh, my God. This resistance thing. Am I right?

Tell me everything you know. Oh, my God. 17. You know, everybody says, and this is like the worst thing for me. Yeah. Everybody says like 17, 17, 17. You know, I know them. I actually know them. You know, sell 17 you know. I know them. I actually know them.

You know cell 17? Yeah, I know them. Like, I worked for them for a bit. And it's so embarrassing for me because, like, they were, like, my bosses or whatever. But they're like, it's fine. So what are your plans for them? Like, they're your bosses. You want to, you know, kill them or?

Oh, my God, if I ever see them again, I would like, take my little crab claw and I would shove it up their bottom. You would shove them in the bottom with your crab claw?

Yeah, I would shove it out, get out. Yeah. You know. Would you be a little bit happy to see them, you think, for old times sake?

Oh my goodness, they ruined my life. But also, that would be the best thing to happen to me. While they're talking, so... There are some other... Look, LaCroix is in the cockpit of the crab. Yes, and you are now

off the crab and there are a couple of other seats in the Imperial box. But what if I didn't want to get off the crab? If you wanted to sit behind it, you wouldn't be able to see the stage. I wanted to sit on the crab and then I just wanted to slowly... Are you Patrick Swayze ghosting him? Yeah, I wanted to slowly inch forward and undo the drawstrings on my pants, releasing the shrimp into the cockpit.

But that's not how it's going to work. You're not in the cockpit. You're on the shiny... You're on the barrel... The carapace? The carapace. But I couldn't edge forward and put my feet in and just... I tell you what, if you get around the front of him

so that you're sitting on the levers and consoles and your legs are straddling him. So you want me to seduce him, is that what you're saying? That's what it would take. Okay, all right. Well, I'll keep that in mind. And when you say private box, is this like a balcony sort of thing? Okay.

It's like a Phantom of the Opera situation. So if you, and there are a couple of other seats there as well. There are seats for all of you. You can see your seat is next to a woman that you recognise. No, you don't recognise. A severe-looking high elf woman with a kind of Uma Thurman haircut. What era, Uma Thurman? And a priest's collar and a priest's shirt.

Which movie? Oh, like Pulp Fiction. Okay. All right. Harsh. Caravan Huddle. And there's another two figures behind you as well. Caravan Huddle.

Yes. I'm going to try something, and I think it could be pretty cool. Can you guys back me up? Sure. Okay. We've got you buddy Yeah I'm cool I'm cool with anything Flow with it

I'm up for a fun time You're very chill Yeah yeah super chill Let's do it Super chill Desant Duke LeCroy Yes You know it's funny

I heard there was going to be a magician here tonight But I haven't seen one yet, and I was wondering, do you want to see a magic trick? Oh! You gotta see Jooves do his magic. Yes, my name is Jooves. Do you know, it's so funny. There is a

reason that I do not know that magicians have been banned from Jooves Rebels for, like, the past, like, five years, I think. Why is that? Well, I don't know. I mean, it was before my time, but I think there was some unpleasantness. Well, as the new Duke, surely

one way for you to put your stamp on this town and this city and your reign would be to lift that pad and allow say an amateur magician such as myself to show you a trick. Oh, do you do magic tricks? I do a fantastic magic trick. It is the opposite of the Revels slogan, and he points at the banner which says,

Welcome to the Duke's Revels. We do not want to see a magic trick. I believe someone said there was going to be magicians here, Dave. Look, I'm not saying he's completely against the idea. He has been drinking and doing several lines. This feels like a persuasion test for me. No, no, no, no, no. You do not need to.

I would like to see your magic trick. Excuse me, court. And he, like, the court stops. Does he have that power? The tribute band stops. The tribute band stops and his claw, like, he's not used to, like, his claw just, like, thonks out a part of the wall basically.

This judicator here is an amateur magician and he's going to show us some magic tricks, which is fun for me and of course for you. Okay, well I think everyone would like, sorry, I'm going to take my place on stage. And I think, could I get please a, just maybe a volunteer from the audience. I know. Why not LaCroix himself? Oh, my goodness. Would you like to be a part of this magic trick? Yes.

Wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I think this is going to take a persuasion check. The crowd clapped. You know people feel peer pressure. Yeah, you gotta. Yeah, so take advantage. I said I was going to be nice to you, so no, no, that's fine.

No, this isn't the nice, I don't want this to be the nice thing. Let me check it. It's not a fucking negotiation. I want another nice thing that's not this. DC 15. Yeah, 19 and 20. I fucking smashed it. 19, 20.

All right. Okay, well, and then he climbs back down the balustrade with his, like, crab thing. I think he probably killed somebody doing that too. So, Dave, because this is just like a regular kind of like theatre, you said there were flies and stuff there, which is what makes people fly in the theatre, right? That means there's probably ropes around. Yeah, they said there are eight fly lines.

Great, there's probably like 60 feet of rope somewhere that I'll just grab from somewhere. That's great. No, sorry. Hang on, hang on, because I know you don't spend a lot of time in a theatre. Just so I understand, you're going to stand on the stage. There is a big piece of rope just tied to a string over there and you're going to untie it and grab that piece of rope?

What's the worst thing that could happen? Is that what you want to do? There's always like coils of rope in places. Yeah, there's a coil of rope. It seems to be just hooked up to a hook on the side of the theatre. Yeah, it seems to be in like this kind of a circle with a candle leaving it. Yeah, okay, I'll take that rope, Dave.

Why? Okay, roll the dexterity saving throw. Fuck. The saving of that sentence makes that rope, Dave. Why? Okay, roll a dexterity saving throw. Fuck. The saving of that sentence makes you think, doesn't it? Oh, that's a one. Fuck. This is the episode that all the dragon friends and audience learn about fly lines.

Right, running around with, it has to say, a manic glee in his eyes. You race over to the wall and you go, Ah, yes, quickly, look around. Why not the Duke? Excellent. You stand over there. Can I hear all this target, please? And you run over to the flight line and you as quickly untie a rope.

And as you do, out of the corner of your eye, you see the stage manager with a fairy in his eye suddenly look at you, panic, and bolt towards you as you quickly unsling the line and i'm just going to roll at random one of we'll say i said that there were four lines so this is a d4 um now the fourth one is you said there were eight lines eight lines thank you eight lines for flyman which again it doesn't make any sense the eighth one is the chandelier um one to four is the surprise production of Cabbages.

Five to six is a trapdoor underneath Banknote. Seven is a trapdoor underneath LaCroix. And a huge, suddenly there is a crack and a rip and a tear. And slamming onto the stage behind you is the crumpled set of a production of... Somebody took all my cabbages that Daggerford... It did make it? you is the crumpled set of a production of so somebody took all my cabbages that Daggerford it did make it? it was going to make it

it was the final I'm so happy for them it was the final act in the Rebels and 12 horrified children dressed as cabbages standing beside as their set smashes down on mostly the stage. It has to be said, the stage manager

and also the Eubank note who takes 10 points of damage. 10? Oh, fuck. You dropped a set on your head. Okay, okay. But, and the rope slips out, Kabuki's out over the pulley system and slams down on the ground beside you.

So there is a rope. Kabuki's a great verb and I encourage all of you to use it. It's like a kabuki drop. But everybody... Oh, okay. So I'm going... But also, everybody suddenly, all the drunk dignitaries stop and look in horror as part of the set collapses.

Oh, I'm sorry. All part of the show. Bravo! Do you know what? You're bleeding at this point. I don't actually. This man is a war hero, so let's give him a clap,

but I don't want to be part of this anymore, I don't think. You need to get off, because that was horrible. Are you sure you don't want to see? Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I have a nephew,

a small nephew, a rotund little nephew, who I think would enjoy this. Oh, yes. I just, I mean, Dave, come on. Don't make me kill a fucking kid. Dave, come on, man. Cinnamon, cinnamon, come down, cinnamon. And a tiny.

I don't have it normally. Hello. Fuck. A little six-year-old child with a lollipop larger than his face wearing blue bathers and...

I am ready for the magic trick. Precious rainbow suspenders. I am ready for the magic trick. I want to wear the magic trick. A little hat. I want to be a magician one day. With the propeller spinning. He skips onto the stage.

Excuse me, is something behind your ear? Now, little cinnamon, I know that you have been very excited, and you have been such a good boy with your civic work with local charities. Oh, they're all very sick. Now, when I went on this stage, a banknote told me to stand on this cross here. So you stand on that cross. And I will. And remember, do your best.

Your mother couldn't take any more heartbreak. Now, first of all, LeCroy, thank you so much for leaving me with this person who you obviously care about a lot. You would say they're probably one of the most precious people to you in the world? Not really. He's just very sad. So you have no emotion? He's my nephew.

But I mean, I wouldn't like in a hostage situation I wouldn't give a shit. What is it? Grandfather? A hostage situation is what happens when a... Okay, never mind then. Never mind. What is it? What is it, grandfather? A hostage situation is what happens when it... I understand. Yes, yes. Very good.

I'm just so sick. And he sticks his lollipop in a pocket and pulls out a string of sausages and starts to eat them. Okay, Dave. Well, Banknote very quickly folds up the runes of rope trick that he was going to perform. What up the runes of Rope Trick that he was going to perform. What's the runes of Rope Trick? As in, I was going to cast a thing called Rope Trick,

but even Banknote doesn't want to kill this little kid. Even Banknote, he's a good guy. He's a very good boy. Where does LaCroix go? LaCroix steps back respectfully. Still in a crab? Yeah. So the crab steps back respectfully. Still in a crab? Yeah.

So the crab steps back respectfully. Destroying two more tables. And then he sort of wedges himself in between the wreckage of those tables, watching, and hits you with the spotlights again. Sorry, how big is this crab? I just need to, like, is it, like, what's the... It's got space for a cockpit up the front and make two people maybe could sit in the back of it. So it's a giant craft.

Is it a tank? Is it a car? It's a tank. It's a... Which, you know, four people... Three or four people could fit in. So like a hatchback? Like a Pulsar? It's the size of a...

Honda? Barina? Honda Civic? Kia Sorento. It's the size of a Toyota Yaris, I reckon. Okay. But with legs and claws. Yeah, yeah. In fact, a Toyota Yaris, I reckon. Okay. But with legs and claws. Yeah, in fact, a Toyota Yaris is perfect.

That amount of people can fit in it. Yeah, okay. But like I said, there's a big throne in the front of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Dave, Bastogne's going to make his way downstairs and he wants to stand by the rope that's securing the chandelier. So the stage manager is now guarding it, but you can stand next to him.

So the chandelier is in the middle of the room, right? Yes, but it's all connected to the fly tower. Damn it. And the stage manager is still standing there and he nods and smiles at you. He's incredibly nervous because most of the sets have been destroyed. Okay. Okay, my nephew is standing. Everyone has their attention.

Oh my goodness, guys. Oh, and in like two minutes time, I have to go do this stupid prayer. You know, the Duke prays for the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Two Dukes ago, he died. So, you're welcome. But let's do it. Okay.

So, Bagnu's going to try and make a distraction because he knows that Bobby and Filch and Bastogne are planning something else because he's seen Bastogne go up to the chandelier. So what he's going to do is like, Ha ha ha! Well, before you just made a coin appear from behind my ear, which was very impressive, young man.

Oh, thank you very much. I tried so hard in front of my mirror. But what if I made you disappear? And he's going to cast invisibility on the young man. Ooh. Okay. There's a blink, and everyone thinks you're an amateur magician, correct?

Yes. So you wave your hand, and with the assumption that this is amateur magic, there is a whoosh, and the child turns transparent. And everybody is very impressed because this is quite mundane for a wizard to do in this world. But as a piece of theatre illusion, it's quite impressive. As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, there are no mirrors here. There are no tricks.

I mean, sorry, there are mirrors and tricks. It's not magic. It's a fine line, isn't it? Fine, fine line. Don't be alarmed. It's all spoken mirrors. It's all a trick. Don't worry. It's very safe. Aren't you, young man?

I can't see my hands. I can't blink. My can't blink. My eyelids are transparent. The voice is growing increasingly demented and terrified. Oh, no! Bum, bum, bum, bum.

And then there's a thump. And then as a figure smashes into the side of the proscenium arch, there's a dent in it and then a smash on the ground. And then there's a donk, donk. And then something falls out of the localised area of invisibility and a lollipop flops out onto the stage. And the cry's like, where'd he seem to have fun?

Well done! Thank you, thank you. That was what I planned to do all along. That was... And it was a lot of fun for everyone. Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was the trick? I mean, I could do another one with you if you want.

It's just with children you don't want to mess about. They could get hurt. You know, I didn't want to do the real trick. Of course. Good, good. Hey, look, I've got to go do this prayer thing. So, um... Could you just do like a tight five to...

Well, before I go for the prayer, if you have another trick, I reckon Cinnamon can take it. I just bring him back. No, no, it really shouldn't be done by a child. Especially one that isn't, I don't know, an innocent... You are so proud of this trick

and I want to do something nice for you. No, I don't. I'll tell you what we're going to do. Cinnamon, are you still there, my little humperdink? While this is happening... My little bratwurst? Bobby's going to cast...

My little pimpernickel? Phantasmal Force on the Duke. Sorry, you want to cast... Yes, Phantasmal Force so that the Duke thinks that the crab is attacking him, so that the claws of the crab are coming out of control

and are, like, snipping at him. Okay, so you're still standing up in the balcony, is that right? Yes. Oh, what's the range? Is he in range? No, no, no, he is definitely in range. He's trying to fuck you on range. It's 60 feet. No, no, no, no.

Okay, so you start casting the spell Phantasmal Force, which is the... We've talked about this. You said Googling very, very quickly. So what Phantasmal Force does is you have to succeed on a check. I think it's charisma saving throw. Intelligence check. Intelligence check.

And if you don't, you get feared. That's right. So you start to cast the spell. You stand up on your You're the only person there Is that correct? Let me just understand this again Yeah I've left the balcony

You're standing by the fly tower Filch is with Bobby I think Filch is with Bobby You're downstairs on the stage So Filch and Bobby I need you both to make for me Very quickly perception checks No with disadvantage

Because you're casting a spell Bobby Tell me if anyone gets 18. Also a nine. Not good. Two perceptions. A two and a nine. So you start to cast the spell and you can see it in your mind's eye as your eyes glow golden and you can see LaCroix beginning to attack himself,

demented inside the spell. And as you are issuing those final forbidden bardic words, you hear in an iconic draconic voice behind you, counter spell. And the spell dies in your hands as the two figures that I said were seated behind you rise. I thought they were in front of me. No, no, at the very back of the seat.

They turn and they rise. And one of them is you see now as they step out of the shadows I thought they were in front of me. it would not be good to interrupt our master while he works. And she draws the veil aside, and you can see the face of Isabella Lafay, one of the two vampire thralls that attacked you the last time that you were in. And can I say that some guests here smell like toffee? Some guests here smell like boiled sweets. Oh, are these the annoying, two annoying kids? Yes, very much so. Yep, yep. That's the bit I'm doing.

Yeah. Raising, as she pulls the veil aside, you see, as you stare into her pallid, beautiful face, she opens her mouth and gives out an ungodly scream as Dorian smirks and says, Father, there are some here who should not be here. And she calls out mass anti-magic field and casts it through the room, blinking out all of your illusions, revealing the dragon friends amongst the party,

each of them on the stage by the fly tower as the guests start in horror, each of them on the stage by the fly tower as the guests start in horror as LaCroix blanches in fear and presses a button on his console creating a sort of I guess spell retardant shield that rises up in front of him as he apparates the banknote apparatus ready to once and for all destroy cell 17 defeat the dragon friends win the praise of his master stride and prove once and for all destroy cell 17 defeat the dragon friends win the praise of his master strad and prove once and for all that he is ready to rule this dagothid in these forgotten realms by this water deep in this world in these nine known worlds that contain the dragon friends thank you Thank you, gang. Ping, I'm going to be honest. That's not your nice thing.

You haven't had your nice thing yet. I appreciate that. You're going to get your nice thing. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael. you're gonna get your nice thing. Sydney. Until next time. Here's a little peek behind the curtain. I happen to know that David Harmon does not eat anything from the sea. Nothing? Not a single thing.

Not even the humble chip? Do I eat a ship? Yeah, you know fish and chips, they come from the sea. It's chips, not ships. No, chips. Chips don't come from the sea. Sure they do. You deep fry them and you eat them. They come from the ship shop. What do you mean? Wait, Dave, do you think theips don't come from the sea. Sure they do. You deep fry them and you eat them. They come from the ship shop.

What do you mean? Wait, Dave, do you think the chips don't come from the sea? Don't you fuck with me. Don't you fuck with me. Where do you think chips come from? Chips come from. Where do you think chips come from? They're made from potatoes.

Lies! Lies! Maybe during the war in England, in the Second World War, they used potatoes instead of fish. No, not like once you just go to a regular... You're thinking of scallops, right? No. No, the chips that you get at a fucking chicken scallop.

Why else would they sell fish and chips together if chips weren't farmed out of the ocean? Are you actually serious? No, but scallops for real are fish. All right, look, we're wasting time. Let's just move on. Let's just move on. We'll talk about this later, Dave.

Honestly, Dave, you need to do this later. I mean, you cut it out, but I just looked into his eyes and saw the fear, and I thought we should stop.