Dragon Friends - #6.13. Wicked Shaaahp

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

Their disguises yet again in tatters and face to face with their former steward in a giant robot crab, The Dragon Friends are forced into a deadly battle in the great hall of Daggerford Castle. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So we're really going to scarf it down real quick, get sleepy and then do a show? Yeehaw! Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle, popping pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was Beale? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Where's Banknog? He runs his poppers, comprimis. Dark Lord Shrugged. He's a very naughty man. Finally together. The life of hope we call the Dragon Friends. It has been nigh on eight years since the Duke of Daggerford, Sir Alexander Tyrrell,

was killed on the night of his birthday revels. The crime was pinned on a motley crew of adventurers that would in time be known as the Dragon Friends, who have travelled up and down the Sword Coast to the nine known worlds and beyond, trying to find a measure of peace and happiness in these forgotten realms. In that time, the four of you have been bested by many enemies, but one persistent thorn in your side has been the Vampire Count Strahd von Zarovich. He has seized power across the Sword Coast, and the Dragon Friends have been on the run ever since, working as revolutionaries at the moment in the resistance that has sprung up in opposition to the fiendish Count Strahd.

But the fates of mortals have a tendency to stitch a beautiful symmetry in the weave of destiny, and your service for the resistance has brought you back to Daggerford, back to the revels of a mad duke, and currently trapped, spread out across a small theaterette as the self-same duke pomplimus lacroix sits astride the banknote apparatus a giant mechanical crab designed by lion shield's own ancestor lazily named placeholder banknote flanked

by vampiric younglings one of whom has just encased the room in a minor anti-magic field. He is ready to make you pay, charging forward, kicking chairs aside, and making a complete mess of a party that probably took somebody a whole afternoon to set up. And you can see the apparatus in the centre of the room ready to wreak havoc. The trap has been strung,

the dragon friends have been recognised, we are going straight into combat. And Bobby Pancakes, you have the initiative. Motley crew. Sorry? Motley. You didn't say motley. I said motley?

Yeah, but it's actually pronounced motley. If they're a crew, if they're a small crew, a small crew in a big world. Oh, you mean like moats? Yeah, derived from the word moat. They are a motley crew. What? I think it's because they're floating around near each other

when they say motley crew. That is also because they can all fly. Bobby, you're up. Okay. Let me see where I am. I am right there on the balcony, and those vampires are behind me. Lion Shield Bank Shirt's on the stage.

You say Lion Shield Bank Shirt? Lion Shirt Bank Shirt. Lion Shirt Bank Shirt. Lion Shirt Shirt. Office Shirt. Bank Shirt. LionShirt Bank Shirt. LionShirt Shirt. Office Shirt. Is on stage having offered to do a magic trick. Little, if you remember, Cinnamon LaCroix is by the side. With Bobson, who sadly does not have a miniature, is Bastogne.

We need some miniatures here. There's no miniatures left. I didn't have a miniature, so we're just going to. You know what? You can be, you can be, Bobson can be a gummy bear. Oh, that's a red one. I need that. No, I didn't have a miniature. You know what? Bobson can be a gummy bear. Oh, that's a red one. I need that. Can Bobson be the black cat? I want to eat the red one.

No, you can't. You know what? I'm trying to instill psychologically value into Bobson. I think that's a real good way of getting him eaten. And so Bobson's over here. There are some people freaked out over on the side. The banknote apparatus, a giant crab-like device, all banded steel and blinkers and claws,

is in the centre of the room, piloted by a manic and gleeful LaCroix. I am a very happy birthday boy. Snip, snip, snip. While upstairs in the private box, we have little plucky... Bobby Pancakes. Thank you.

Bilge and Isabella and Dorian Lafayette. How far away is the crab from the balcony? So those are five feet square. So you are it's about 20 feet away from you. How many meters is that? Everything on your sheet will be in feet. Oh.

How can I tell how far I can jump? Three meters is about 10 feet. Whose, but how can I tell how far I can jump? It'll tell you. Three metres is about ten feet. Whose turn is it? It's Bobby's. It's Bobby's turn. Sorry, I'm prevaricating. You can delay your action if you want. I'm going to delay my action. Alright, bank or win? What are you going to do? To the end of the round.

That's what delaying the action means. He doesn't have to tell you. I am going to pull out, oh, I'm going to pull out Tim's fucking rocket launcher. Okay, yeah. Which I haven't exist and I'm going to pull out Tim's fucking rocket launcher, which I haven't exist, and I'm going to do the secret words for magical repeating shot. Sorry, what words are you going to say? I'm going to say I'm casting repeating shot on this.

I'm casting repeating shot on the rocket launcher before I shoot. Okay? Yeah yeah anything else you want to tell me my name is Tim no fuck what what else was there if you wanted us

to remember things you shouldn't have made months I thought all I had to say was that I'm Michael Higgins I'm casting this with that's what you said last time

and I said that's absolutely not how it works and you sort of glazed over it and just sort of politely bulldozed onwards. Sorry, Lion Shield Banknote then says,

I'm casting this with a repeating shot on the rocket launcher. Okay, you're casting a repeating shot. Okay, great. Yep. So you touch it and with a bit of your artificer power, you imbue the property of a repeating shot in it. So the first shot will repeat. Yes.

Was there something else I had to do? I'm just wondering if you've remembered stuff, but we'll see. Just keep going. Is it going to blow up and explode him? Maybe. I thought it would explode if I used the two shots unless I cast repeating shot on it. No, no, you are correct. There was something else that you could say to avoid that

but it's fine. Oh, okay, cool. So I'm shooting that at them so it's 5d6 piercing damage. So... Oh, okay, cool. So I'm shooting that at them. So it's 5d6 piercing damage. So... Oh, sorry, I've got to do my attack first. You said I've got to do my attacks first. I was like, I've got to do it now. So 45, so 17?

Yeah, 17 hits. Cool. All right. Seven. Hey-oh. 11. Loose dice. Kill mice.

16. 21 damage. Kill mice. 16. 21 damage. All right, now, as I said last episode, that just before he had come down and started snipping, snipping, LaCroix had popped up a sort of spell-retardant shield. It's a directional shield. It's currently facing towards the stage, towards you. But this isn't magic.

It's a magical weapon. It's not a magical weapon. No, it's a rocket launcher. It's a fucking rocket launcher. It's not a magical weapon. No, it's a rocket launcher. It's a fucking rocket launcher. It's an alchemical weapon. All right, 21 points of damage. Does his spell on the rocket launcher work? Because there's block magic in the room?

That's an excellent question. Oh, yes. There is a window here, but LaCroix has a chance to dispel it. It's not going to make the thing blow up. It's just going to ruin the salvo. If you remember, there are two salvos in the gun. He fails it anyway. So there's a click and

a heavy sort of sproing sound as the rockets slam back into place in your gun, thanks to your artificer design. 21 points of damage. Take that! 21 points of damage. Alright, it's huge and it's powerful and it's, like I said,

made of metal and wood, but it's singed and it's, LaCroix looks a little bit nonplussed by this. Wait, you're shooting the device? Yeah. Yeah, that device that he wanted? He wanted the device. Yeah, but if I can't have it. Okay, I'm going to.

No one can. Can I do my turn? You wanted to delay until after Lila, so sure. Yeah, I'm going to... No one can. Can I do my turn? You wanted to delay until after Lila, so sure. Yeah. I'm going to go wolf. I'm going to press the button on my magic moon sword and turn into a wolf. Okay.

Hell yeah, Twilight, baby! All right, so you're using the... That's right, you can summon, basically, the moon using your moon-touched short sword, and you go into wolf mode. Wolf mode. Kill them vampires. Activate rocket pancakes. I'm going to leap off the balcony onto the device. Cool.

Okay, great. Make for me an acrobatics check. That's a two plus seven. Nine. All right. Unfortunately, you slip down the slick ashen sides of the recently blasted device and take ten points of damage as you're trampled under its legs. You're still around, but you have fallen onto the ground.

Actually, because you jumped down and you botched the landing, quickly make for me a dexterity saving throw. That's a one. I get to roll again because I'm lucky. That's a seven. Also not enough. Dexterity. Wait, wait, wait.

Dexterity is seven. So that's 14. 14 is not enough. So you take another nine points of damage from the fall because you're doing it from a high point. And the next one up is Dagovit's favorite son, Pomplamoose LaCroix. Oh, thank you all for coming to my crab party.

I was thinking of a nice thing, a funny thing to say, but then I got rocket launched, so crab party is what I came up with. Anyway, and he's going to, I have a list here of how the apparatus works, and it's got a series of levers. Yes, you can pull any two levers per turn, and these are all the things that they can do. So you just need to... I'm going to walk toward the man with the rocket launcher. Uh-oh. Yes, great. Now, you're going to walk toward the man with the rocket launcher. Uh-oh.

Yes, great. Now, you're going to walk through quite a lot of chairs, but that's fine. I think that's fine. No, I think that's all absolute... Surely chairs give you disadvantage. No, not with the weight that he is, but the steps will be tricky,

except that you... No, you're bipedal. It's not like you have wheels. You're fine. He's got crab legs. Not even bipedal. And while he knocks over, he's like, I'm sorry, Damien.

Damien's the guy who said it all up. And then with my other thing, I'm going to swipe out at, do I have enough reach to swipe out at? 5, 10, 15, 20, 25. Yes, just enough reach. Okay. I'm going to swipe. You have two options.

You can grapple to try to grab him, or you can just swipe. I'm going to try to grab him. All right. That's a plus eight. Make an attack. That is a 14. 20. All right, you can counter that if you want by rolling higher than 20 on an escape, a dexterity save. No!

All right, banknote is picked up and is held aloft by LaCroix as he holds you high above his head. Your movement was your second action, so Bastogne, you're up now. So if I can see the map, I'm kind of very close to the apparatus. It's saddled up beside me. So I'm going to flip onto the apparatus, into the cockpit,

facing LaCroix, and I'm going to punch him in the face. Okay. So you're going to try and get in range? Yes. He's got a second claw, so he's going to attack you as you try to go past. Well, no, he's not,

because I'm too fast for him. Make for me, bro. I'm too fast. Make a little acrobatics check. I'm going to use Step of the Wind. What's that do? You can spend a ki point to make a dash action as a bonus action.

All right. And my jump distance is doubled, so I can just jump straight in. Yes, but you're still going to need to make an acrobatics check. No, I don't think that's how it works, but I'm going to do it anyway, just to humor you. All right, thank you very much.

Acrobatics. Ooh, it's only 14. All right, it's with disadvantage. He rolls, however, a 2 plus 8 is 10. So now, yeah, you land, and you are on the back of the crab. Okay. Can I jump into the cockpit? That was just your movement action because he uses a dash.

He's in the cockpit and he's wedged in so tightly there's no more space in the cockpit. But the shiny- Could I pull him out of the cockpit? You could, you can, but also the shiny bank of levers in front of them you have, you can reach to. But as soon as you get up into it and you notice he's wearing tiny little goggles and a little white scarf, he pulls out of a little underarm brace a wicked sharp

silver dagger. Oh, that looks wicked sharp. Wicked sharp! I didn't mean that in a Bostonian way. Oh, that is a wicked sharp dagger. Oh, God. So he's seen me in his rear vision mirrors? Yeah, and he's trying to, when I say he spins around, but again, he's kind of arrested in the

cockpit. So it's quite difficult, but he's kind of arrested in the cockpit. So it's quite difficult, but he's sort of trying to stab at you as you try to... Oh, man. Well, I don't want him to do that. Now, what do you want to do? You still have your entire action. I'm going to... So there's no room for me to get into the... Does he have a seatbelt on?

As I said, you could try and pull him out, or you can try and go at the levers. I'm just going to hulk him out of the cockpit. I'm just going to grab him under the armpits and just go... And just yank him out, or you can try and go with the levers. I'm just going to hulk him out of the cockpit. I'm just going to grab him under the armpits and just go, and just yank him out. Make for me a strength check. Oh, boy. I hope I'm strong. Ooh, it's not a saving throw.

It's just a check. Ooh, that's not good enough. Nine. All right. He rolls a 16, which means he holds fast. Does he jam his armpits down? Now Baston and he are playing like a theatre sports game. He's got double fingers, baby.

Baston is dangerously close. Welcome to my hair salon. Oh, the scissors are over there. No, over there. Oh, you're stabbing me. That's wicked sharp. He tries to stab at you, but his wicked sharp blade does not hit you. And the next one up is the vampire.

Isabella takes her action and she continues to channel. She's chanting in draconian as she keeps this minor anti-magic field in place around the room. What's the range of the anti-magic field? Oh, actually, minor anti-magic field. Sorry, the moment you hit hit the repeating shot it didn't work just so you're aware the it fizzled out in the spell it will take any minor magical properties this is not this a full anti-magic spell this is a smaller version of it it will get rid of any minor magical properties it will get rid of any minor magical items won't work inside it and it

will automatically dispel any spells of third level or lower, which is how it got rid of your phantasmal force. Does that mean that my moon sword wouldn't have worked? It's not a spell. No, that's a really good... No, but artifacts do work, and yours is an artifact. Your hammer is an artifact, your longsword, and the apparatus are the only artifacts. The cow creamer that you brought for appraisal, that's an artifact as well. Apparatus are the only artefacts.

The cow creamer that you brought for appraisal, that's an artefact as well. Tim is unfortunately, your tiny improvised missile launcher is not an artefact. So she keeps chanting. It was an antique roadshow joke. Oh, cow creamer. Cow creamer. Oh, appraisal.

I was listening to a creamer topic allotment for a cow's udders. I didn't really understand. I was not listening a cream, a topic alignment for a cow's udders. I didn't really understand. I was not listening to that whole episode. So she keeps chanting and it takes her entire action and Dorian is up. Yummy, yummy in my tummy, sweeties. Remember that was his whole thing? Oh, sweeties, yes, yes, yes. And if that's all you're going to do with him,

I'm going to say that he also jumps forward and attacks Pilge. It's really funny. It happens rarely, but that I'm going to say that he also jumps forward and attacks Filge. It's really funny. It happens rarely, but that I despise a bit that I have to keep doing. Well, you did it. Your bad. All right, that's a 24 and a 25, Filge. I think both of those hit. Yes, they did.

All right, so that's 2d4 plus 3 twice, which means that you take 11 plus 7. So that's 18 points of damage as Dorian slashes at you with vampiric claws and fills you up next. Would you believe? That has made me very angry. Oh!

Which was, the gear about lollies or the stabbing? The gear, mostly the gear, yeah. That's frustrating. That's frustrating. That's fair. I didn't even feel the slashes. Like I was just like... Okay. And I'm going to use...

And I get... So when I'm angry, I get... My Thunder's Wake is a plus one bonus. And does that mean I get an extra point on my roll or I get an extra dice? No, a point on your roll and a point on your damage. Just one more point. Okay, great.

Goody. Here we go. A-ring-a-ding-ding-ding-a-ling-a-ding-ding. So I want to... And don't forget, you have frenzy now, so you actually get a bonus attack. Three attacks now. Three attacks. Three attacks when you rage.

Roll those three dices. All right. I'm going... Dice ahoy. Bing bong bang. All right. I'm going. Nice ahoy. Bing bong bang. All right. Oh, I'm going to swing at Dorian's kneecaps. Just for a change.

Go for it. Just mix things up. Always go for the head. You know what? They've got other body parts. And so my highest one there is 16. Do I get to add plus one to all of them? Not just plus one, you get to add plus

eight. But then I get this also plus one. No, no, the plus one I've added into that. Oh, so I can just ignore it. You should just scribble that out on my sheet. I've been thinking about that for like 15 minutes. I'm sorry. What's the armor cost, Dave? 15, so two of them hit. Two hits. Rolled that damage.

Two hits on the knee. Two hits, yeah. That's a kneecap each. One on each knee. No, just kneecap him in the rock. So that's a 10. Don't forget it's a plus two damage because you're in range. 12.

12. And a 5. The stress I was in. 10. And a 10. Another 10 and another 12. So that's 24 points of damage. Eat shit, Dorian!

I prefer a bonbon. Dorian doesn't like that, and because it's magical damage, it does full damage, which would not normally happen to a vampire. As he howls in pain, it's as good as silver. And the next one up is Lailai Banknote. So to spell magic, does that work on... So she's chanting a concentration spell that is causing this to happen. Right.

Okay. So I can't really do anything. I will... Unless you take out her. Yes, but I can't. I don't have any ranged weapons. You don't have any ranged weapons? Aside from...

Yeah, but then if I do that, I'll blow this up and kill myself. So you won't kill yourself, but yes, without your repeating shot ability, the second salvo will cause it to explode. Which is really annoying, because I just read the rules on Rocket Launcher, and there's a really cool thing I can do. I will try and squirm out of the claw, I guess.

Can I fire something up? I don't know. Like make a tiny little clock or something? I don't know if it'll... You could shock it or something with your shock. I'll just try and squirm out, Dave. Yep. Okay, great.

So make a escape. 18. Yeah, 18. That does it. Yeah, you've got to... It's a pose, but it does do it. Oh, didn't it say escape DC 15? Oh, it's the grapple.

Sorry. Well done, Ben. That's pretty good. I'm never printing out the rules. Yeah, okay. So you squirm out and... And then can I move? Yeah, that will take half your movement.

So you've still got 15 feet. I'm going to move... I'm going to be 15 feet away from Mr. Crab. Upstage, they call it. These boxes on sort of prompt side, I suppose. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I'll take the elevated terrain. Yeah, but also just so you know, those boxes, there is a...

Actually, no, I'm going to sit backwards on this chair and try to talk to him about religion. No, I'll go on top of the boxes. What's in the boxes? Maybe something cool. Yeah, those boxes, as well as those boxes there, there are a lot of equipment has been laid out for a dance routine, a physical comedy, basically other stuff that was going to be in the Rebels.

Anything that you would expect to find, I suppose, backstage at a comedy festival venue. Cabbage. Big and juicy. Cabbage. Cabbage. Rubber chicken. It's all there, exactly. Just so you know.

But you jump up onto the terrain. Okay, yep. All right, excellent. And the next one up is Bobby Pancakes. Okay, I'm going to take another run at the device. So I've got 40 feet of speed. So I'm on the back of the device currently. Yeah, you'll definitely get there.

Holding on to... Grappling with the dude in the cockpit. Okay. The dude! So using our combined weight of three people, I'm going to try and pull us all backwards off if it's like at an angle there going up to the thing. Oh, you're trying to pull Baston who is grabbed onto...

Yeah. Oh. So using... I'll give you advantage. You want to try and tip the crab over? No, no, no. I want to tip the people out of the crab. Oh.

So you put one person in the crab? No, there's two people. Oh, both of you. I want to tip the people out of the crab. Oh. Tip everyone out of the crab. So you put one person in the crab? No, there's two people. No, Baston is- Oh, both of you. I'm hanging on to LaCroix, and you're going to hang on me and try and pull me out. Yeah, I'm going to just- Okay. So that's a-

That's a one and a 20. Whoa. The system works. Wow, you don't see that very often. Okay, so that's a one and a 20, and I did say advantage, so that counts as a natural 20. So there is a... And you manage to snap the girdle that is holding LaCroix down. And there is a popping sound as he flies backwards with you and Bastogne.

And you all collapse in a heap on the ground in front of the skeleton. And the next one up is still grappled by LeCroy still grappled by Bastogne is LeCroy. So the first thing you need to do is make an escape artist check. Could I continually have my arms around both of them there? No, no, you're grabbing Bastogne, Bastogne is grabbing me. That is a hot six.

Do I need to roll? No, it's 15 again as well so you've still got him. I've still got him. Okay, cool. Why don't you let me go? I don't think I will. But I get a birthday wish.

Do I not? All right, all right. Okay, my birthday wish is let me go. Oh, I'll give it to you next year. Sorry. Now your movement is zero, but you can still attack and you still have the tiny little dagger. Can I bite him? Yeah, sure. You can bite him. Can I bite him? Yeah, sure.

You can bite him. Can I bite him right on the nose? Whoa, my nose. Oh no, his beautiful nose. My beautiful nose. It's a two. Okay. You chip a tooth.

You just pull your head back out of the way. Stop that. You've got both arms around him and he's trying to bite your nose and you're pulling your head back as far as possible. I'm not into this. No, stop it. Stop that. Stop that. You've got both arms around him and he's trying to bite your nose and you're just pulling your head back as far as... I'm not into this. No. Stop it. Stop that.

Stop that. But now, Bastogne, it is your go. So I've got him grappled. Yeah. Well, I want to... Squeeze? Yeah, I want to squeeze real hard. Okay.

How do I make it? What do you do when you're... Squeeze life right out of you. Yeah, just squeeze it. You can make an improvised melee attack on him. Okay, I'm going to headbutt him. Oh, great. That's nice.

I can do that. From behind? You could probably flurry. He's trying to bite my nose. Your head is a monk weapon, so you could probably flurry and blow him. I've got two attacks with my head. Oh, a one and a two. A one and a two.

Do you know what happens? That's not good. Can I bite his nose? You fly back and just as you're about to hit him, he bites onto your nose. Oh, fuck. My fucking nose. You take three points of damage.

No, to my nose. You lose your sense of smell for the rest of the next two episodes. Crap. So don't forget that. You can't smell anything. Damn it. I am always interested in what's true. It's a leitmotif.

But because that was a one as well, unfortunately, you jump forward and back. It was in pain, letting go of him and he springs and wobbles to his feet. However, he still can't. He's had his go,

so he can't do anything, but he's back on his feet out of the puddle of Dragon Friends. Can I ask a question? What's happening to the device on pilot? Does it just stop working? At the moment, it's stopped, yeah. Ingen, are you listening?

Yes. Okay, cool. All right, the next one up is Isabella who continues to chant as she goes through the third round of the anti-magic. It's only got six rounds. There was one last episode, so this is round three. And Dorian, you're up next. Dorian is going to...

Who just hit him? Filch? Yeah. Dorian's going to take a lunge at Filch. All right, so he makes two more attacks. Just a lunge? Like being like, ooh, that's a good stretch? Yeah, that's exactly what he's going to do.

What is broken knees? What are you getting into my solace? Broken, shattered knees, don't forget, please. Okay, that's two attacks. One is a claw and one is a bite. 12-12, I don't imagine either of those hit? Nope. No.

All right. And then he starts, but the worst thing is that his knees and the dark crushed lumps of them pop and click and start to come together again. Not the worst thing for me, Dorian. It's the best. You realise that like all vampires, he can regenerate himself. The next one up is Filch.

I'm just going to, can I just, I want to target Isabella now. So I just want to like run past him. He's trying to body block. This is why he's run at you. So you're going to have to do an opposed. Are you bull rushing him? Are you trying to dodge past? Oh, I think I'll bullrush him.

Whack him. Is there a piggy in the middle of him? What's that? I don't know. You don't throw a ball to him. I thought it was a lipstick. I would have stuck in the mud him and crawled between his legs.

All right, opposed strength. He rolls... Oh, you can roll. Opposed strength. Bloody luck, mate. 16. 16 plus 3 is 19. Good luck, and you beat me.

So he's a tiny young wafer of a boy in an aristocratic clothes and you get ready as a big half-orc to push him aside and he backhands you, Filge, and you go sprawling back against the chairs behind him, smashing the chairs behind you, and he says, don't lay a hand on my sister or something more gross something like

wee wee wee wee I did a wee wee fucking hell yuck yuck yuck that's awful everybody hated that

everybody thinks that sucks when you look at his pants he has done a wee wee why why have you made that choice because you broke his knees. That's not what happens when you break someone's knees.

Really? Yeah, when you break someone's knees. Do you have a data point for that at all? Yeah, I just... Let's find out. We will find out because it's your turn next. Also because Dave broke his knees on the way in. And Dave has done a wee wee. I...

Banknote is going to use his movement at the top to run towards the crab and jump inside the crab. All right, now the banknote family heirloom, the stone is still in place, so it's still operational. So you jump into it, and I need you to very quickly make for me, with proficiency because you are an artificer, an intelligence test. And the Voltron music plays.

You know when they slide down the pipes and they're like going to the thing? That is... That is 17. 17. Okay, great. So you work out how to operate it, so you don't have a chance, you don't have time to tie yourself into the bank. Click front and back, Dave.

Come on. It's not that simple a system. But you can use your action for that, but then you won't get operated. Now the machine is very simple to use, but this seatbelt is incredibly complicated. But you can this turn. You are driving. You're in the driver's seat. Okay.

Two levers. You get two levers. I get to do two levers? Do I have to roll a dice and then that's how you do the levers? No, because I would have made you do that if you had failed the intelligence test. All right. I am going to use lever six, which the apparatus walks or swims forward. So I'm going to come up onto the stage.

Okay, great. Smashing your way into the dance troops' boxes. And you hear Damien be like, oh, great. Smashing your way into the dance troupe's boxes. And you hear Damien be like, oh no! And then I'm gonna do number seven and then turn it around a little bit. 90 degrees. Yeah, 90 degrees. Number seven? Ho ho! You don't wanna know what that is!

Laughing maniacally, Banknote starts stab, stab, stab. I'm facing you! Every foot is just plunging huge holes into the ancient mahogany stage as he kicks aside props and starts spinning around laughing louder and louder. Bobby, you're up next. Okay, I'm going to attack LaCroix.

I'm going to get him with my sword. I don't know if this changes things, but when he was ripped out of the crab, his pants stayed in the crab, and now he's wearing boxer shorts with hearts on them on his birthday. In front of everybody. Has he done a week? Has he also wet himself? No, he hasn't.

Can I ask real quick for you to grow up? Can I request that of you? Thanks. What you did there is you rolled a two. Thought nobody noticed. I get two attacks. Oh, do you? Yeah, so I get...

Does he? I get a... I thought Rogue not cheat. Rogue doesn't get a second attack, do they? You get a bite or a claw on top of it. You're in werewolf mode. I'm so sorry. Yeah, apologise to Simon, Dad.

Oh, yeah. So what did you miss with? What if Uber eats candy to apologise to Simon, Dad. So what did you miss with? What Uber Eats candy to apologise to Simon? You've eaten all the fucking candy. I'm using it as a coaster for my Coke. There's one more orange. Don't eat bobson. Don't eat bobson.

I must insist that you don't eat bobson. All right. The next. So I missed on the sword attack, which is probably the bummer one. But you get a bite. But you get a bite. But I get a bite. That's an eight, right? Yeah, that's a D8. Okay, that's a four plus...

It's a four plus two. Okay, so Robert Pancakes jumps forward as, on his birthday, LaCroix spins around and bites at his throat. And the only fact that he's wearing an incredibly gaudy cravat is the only thing that saves his life. You still get a huge chunk of his throat and blood gushes out as he gasps, but he's still alive. And Robert stands up, cracks his back, and spits a cravat pin out into the corner of the room. Okay, so Bastogne's down on the floor.

Yeah. They're wrestling. Bobby and LaCroix are wrestling. And there's two vampires up on the One of them channeling a spell The other one fighting with Filch And Filch looked like she had the upper hand But she's just gone down

How can I get up there Dave? It's a big jump Can I slice some sort of rope That attaches the chandelier to the roof? Mayhaps a fly line? Yes mayhaps a fly line And then the weight of the chandelier will pull me up And I'll fly and I'll slash at them.

All in the same turn, mind you, Dave. You know what? For that to work, the fly lines of the theatre have to be on the side of the auditorium. No, but this is for the chandelier. Oh, I'm going to allow it. Go for it. Because the chandelier would be by the door.

So Bastogne runs over. They staged Phantom here. Imagine someone doing an entire degree in theatre just so they could enforce rules in their Dungeons & Dragons. Imagine what kind of person that would be. You know, the thing about as you get older is doors of opportunity is closed to you and you find smaller, more pathetic windows.

This window is awfully small. I suppose I'll try and squeeze... Ah, fuck. Oh, I'm stuck. Okay, make the test. DC 70. DC 70? It's DC 70.

Okay, all right. 20. 20! Yes! Suck a fucking ding dong! Ding dong! Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp! Womp! I'm sorry. I'm onep, womp, womp, womp! Womp!

I'm sorry. I wanted them to dial as much as you do. You will curse the day you did not do. Stabby, stabby, stabby, stabby, stabby! I'm going to, on a 20, Bastogne jumps up, throws his cheese knife at the wall, cutting a rope, grabbing another one, as the chandelier crashes down, startling Robert Pancakes and LeCroy.

Oh, they are directly underneath it, aren't they? I did not think about that. Bastogne flies up into the air into a perfect fly kick and kicks Isabella Le Fay. She screams in surprise and shock, makes a concentration save and fails, and the anti-magic field ripples apart. She also takes your monk's damage. Oh, which is the power of the 11 compels you.

The power of the 11 compels you. 13 damage. 13 points of damage as Bastogne crashes into her. Can I say, Bobson hasn't really done a lot. Oh, that's true. Bobson witnessed all that and in the aftermath was just like,

holy bloody dooly! Did you guys see that? Oofy doofy! Then he goes back to whatever he was doing. What was he doing? Wetting his pants? No, he was just sort of like...

His pants are full of shrimp, so... Yeah, was he eating any of the pants shrimp? He was doing a bit of that, like... Like popcorn? Yeah. Just reaching into your pants and eating is like a terrifying... doing a bit of that. Like popcorn. Yeah. Just reaching into your pans

and eating is like a terrifying. Make a dexterity save for me. Rubber pancakes. That's a 12 plus 7. 19. 19 and a natural 20 for LaCroix. So the two of you jump to the side and LaCroix uses the falling chandelier

as an opportunity to break free from you. It's pretty dexterous for a man who's had a big chunk of his throat ripped out. Natural 20, baby. And the next one up is Lai Lai Banknote. Okay, so the anti-magic field is dispelled. That is correct. I'm going to use lever seven again to rotate the crab towards, I guess, the Duke. And then, Dave, I'm going to use my once a day rocket launcher ability,

lock on burst. What rocket launcher ability? This isn't in the tip. No, but if you've just taken the experimental futuristic rocket, is this Artificer abilities or is this from the Dungeon Mart? No, this is... Look at it. Yeah.

What is this website? It's dndwiki.com. Look at this fake site that I'm sharing. Go on. You've already agreed to this guy. No, I haven't agreed to this. What website is this? It's dndwiki.

This is the back end of WordPress. It's something... This is a homebrew. All I had to do was install Tor on this iPad, and once I done that, I had to do was install Tor on this iPad, and once I'd done that, I had to go to a little thing called Silk Road. Now, they tell you it's closed.

You've got to ask for Mike. You're an artifice, sir. You could have tinkered this. Let's make it for me an intelligence roll. We'll call it DC 14, and if it succeeds... Nine plus five is 14. Okay, how does your lock-on burst work? Once a day, I can choose to fire three lock-on sub-munitions. So choose one creature within range at the impact point.

That creature must make three dexterity saving throws instead of one. And for each dexterity saving throw, they're taking 3d6 damage or half on a save above 15. Okay, two of them were successes and one of them was a fail. Okay, so the first two, the first one is 6 and 3, so 9, so that's 5 damage. Yep. 5 and 5, so that's 5 damage that you take,

and then the last one is 7 damage. Okay, 5 and 7 damage is enough damage to kill LaCroix, and LaCroix as beads hyper-targeted in a way that to a bystander, say Bobson Dugnan seems out of genre this fantasy missile. Bobson's like, well that's a bit much.

Unfortunately anyone who's in range of that must also make dexterity saving throws. I was on the other side of the chandelier. How far away is it? You're in range

for an explosion. So you've just got to make one. One. Dex. That's a seven plus six, thirteen. So you fail. Sorry.

So you take five damage. I'm very sorry about that, Robert. I get half damage because I'm a werewolf, so I guess take three. Oh, half and half. Yeah, great. I get half damage because I'm a werewolf. Yes, three. Oh, half and half. Yeah, great. As he dies, I feel like we've never really had a death where this fits for LaCroix.

He does a classic, dragon friends, and then he explodes. It just seems weird we've made it like six seasons without someone saying dragon friends and then exploding. Yeah, I think the way the bullets work is that they fire into him like slugs and then they explode on the inside, giving him enough time to say one last word. Now, I don't want to get in trouble with you, Hing, but I've been trying to work this out in my head

and somebody tell me if my thinking here is wrong or if my constant antagonism with Hing is making me read the rules unfairly. But here's what's happened. We have a missile launcher that if it fires twice, if it fires its second shot, it explodes. Now, while there was an anti-magic field in the room, you tried to cast a spell that failed. And with the explosion of a miniature dying sun in your hands, the missile launcher explodes, doing the same damage, as I said, of the attack itself that it just used. So three deck saving throws for you.

Oh, and you're in the cockpit of a machine. I wonder how this will work out. Fail. Ow. Succeed. Succeed. And the three. So seven.

Five. There's 12. and 11 is 5, 6. Yep. So 7, 6 and 5 is 18 points of damage as your improvised missile launcher explodes, taking with it LaCroix, a reasonable villain to be sure, but also a beloved magical item for you, unfortunately. Yeah, it's frustrating because I looked up anti-magic field after you cast it last time. On a random website. And the range is only 10 feet.

I said this wasn't anti-magic field. Also, anti-magic field is a level 8 spell. This is a different spell and it only lasts a minute, not an hour. And I've got notes here and I worked this out. And if you want to go toe-to-toe on the rules of D&D, your random website. No, this is from the... But it's not anti-magic, it's minor something.

It's minor anti-magic field, which is a homebrewed spell. It's not in the DMC. So you're allowed to use homebrewed spells. Yes, I'm allowed to use homebrewed spells. That's the way it works. That is exactly how it works. So, but LaCroix is dead and with it, unfortunately, it seems, your missile launcher.

But the apparatus is also yours, but the room is not yet yours because the vampires have not died with him and the next one up is Bobby Pancakes. Can I get a go? A filge? Yeah, a filge.

Remember you tried to... That was ages ago. Have a go. Have a go. Okay, I'm going to grab because he pushed me down into this chair. That was ages ago. It was ages ago. It was ages ago. Oh, have a go. Have a go. Yay! Okay, I'm going to grab, because he pushed me down into this chair. Yes. And I'm going to grab a shard of wooden chair.

And I'm going to leap up and jam it into his heart. Great. All right, make for me any. Because why use a magical hammer when you've got a bit of chair? Go for it. Go for it. It's a wooden stake. Come on.

It's very vampire-y. It's true. Oh, I didn't go in the thing. Yeah, that's true. Pair's fair. Keep it in the box. What do I get to add for that? For improvised weapon, no, plus seven.

Great, 13. 13. All right, 13 doesn't hit. Next one. What? You get to attack twice more. You're in a rage. Oh, yeah, I'm still in a rage. You're still crazy. I said twice more. Oh, 13 doesn't hit. Next one. What? You get to attack twice more. You're in a rage. Oh, yeah, I'm still in a rage.

You're still cranky. That's what I said, twice more. Oh, yeah, twice more. Don't hit. One more? One more. One more. And plus seven? 15.

Yeah. Okay, one one hits. That one hits. Yep, that one hits. What damage do I do with that? 386. And plus magic for being a stake. Yeah, I'm about to do a constitution save for him.

Oh, look. Cocked. Not all of them. You don't get all of them. Reroll all of the dice. Once cocked, reroll them all. The one time we're on stream and I've got the fucking video logs and you're all cheating like crazy.

12 points, all right, and he makes a constitution save. Three, and he a constitution save. Three. And he fails his save. And as the stake bursts into his heart. And yes, you are correct. That was a weakness stake to the heart. As he looks up, whimpers and explodes in that Buffy-like dust. But before he says, I'm going to do a wee-wee forever.

Leaving that with everybody as he explodes and Isabella screams in horror. And now you're up. Can I jump up onto that balcony as a werewolf? Make an acrobatics check. Oh, you're good at jumping. 13 plus 7. 7, 20. Absolutely.

Do you jump up lightly? Is that my action? I know that was your move action. Then we high five. You can use your action to high five Baston if you want. No, I'm going to... I feel like you just did that. Okay, next person.

I'm going to do Moontouch Sword. So that's a 19. Does that hit? Is that your attack? Do you still have the sword? I thought you were using Bites and Claws. That was for jumping. Yeah.

No, I just rolled here on the thing. Oh. So that's a 19. Does that hit? He does have the sword. He didn't roll properly for it. I didn't make it. So that's a nine damage. And then I'm going to do a Bite as well. Yeah,'s a 19. He doesn't have the sword. He didn't roll properly for it. I didn't make it. So that's a nine damage.

And then I'm going to do a bite as well. Yeah, make a bite. And so that's a 13 plus four, 17. Oh, the eight was a dead. It's the spikily one. That's a, what is that one? That's a 10. So it clearly wasn't a D8.

Okay. That's a five plus two, seven. All right, seven. So she takes 9 plus 7 So 16 points of damage So she's now looking bloodied and in trouble Best on your up

Swords out, baby Time to slash her mother up What's her armour class, please? Her armour class is 15 as well 2 hits Doing 6 and a three and a nine plus ten, nineteen damage.

Nineteen points. All right. So the name sword of Sergei Andreevich slashes a figure of eight in her chest as blood wheels open up. Blood goes everywhere through her funerary gown and then it's her turn and she turns to both of you,

raises her hand, staggering backwards and casts Gust of Wind. Oh, no. Wind. You better get me Cardi. Everybody on the balcony, all three of you, make DC 15 strength saving throws. Ooh, strength.

Oh, 26, baby. Yep, you're fine. Yeah, I got a 9 plus 7. Yep, you're fine. Rubber Pancakes falls backwards off the balcony. It's not important what I roll. No! 10 more points of

damage for Bobby Pancakes and as she walks forward to the lip of the balcony watching you go and the next one up is Lai Lai. Oh, Bob's in Dugnut. Does he do anything? You okay, Robert? You took a nasty tumble. Oh, do I get, can I?

No, no, it's all right. I'm okay. I thought I'd make it. Does anybody need any antiseptic cream or some water? Does anybody need any water? We're okay. An old lady in the audience is like, yes. Water for the lady.

I'm going to go get some water. I'm quite parched. And the next one up is the Lion Shield banknote. I guess from here I'm going to crab down to LaCroix's body and search it for anything. Get your giant crab claws. Like a skill tester, I guess. It's an incredibly messy way to search a corpse,

but you do it and the... It's very funny. Horrifying Damien as you pull out... Make for me quickly a... Oh, fuck it. Maybe I'll kill Damien. No, I won't. No, Cinnamon.

What's his name? The little boy. Child! Oh, you're right. Sorry. Yep, child. Not I'll kill Damien. No, I won't. No, Cinnamon. What's his name? The little boy. Oh, you're right. Sorry. Yep, child. Not going to kill the child. Hey, do I have to do a dexterity check just to make sure I don't crush the child?

You want to crush this child. I'm asking David my hand. You don't need to. No, the child is to the side. What you need to do, however, for me is make an investigation check. 13 plus 2 is 15. All right, you find two items. One of them is the dagger, which now you can tell is magical now.

But you can't pick them up because you're closest. Skill test, skill test. I'll clamber down. Leaning over the side like a kid on a bicycle who dropped an ice cream. You grab the dagger. You also can take, if you want, the cravat pin, which you now realise has a stone with arcane carvings on it. And does he have any sort of, like, a trophy I could take?

His cravat pin? No, no, like from his person. His sword? A picture of his mum? No, no, from, like, what's left of the body. Like a vest of embarrassment? Oh, a part of his body. You know how, like, in Diablo you take an ear, you know? You could take his boxer shorts.

You know, he got exploded, dude. No, I've always said, you know, in many ways, everyone you fight usually has ears. You're always capable of taking an ear if that's what you want. It doesn't have to be an ear, Dave. He's a human. He has everything that you would expect a human to have. You know humans.

Yeah, I know every body part in the humans, so don't think I don't. Yeah, that's a good point. He once listed them for me and it took hours. No, I'll just take his... I'll just take... I'll take an ear. You'll take an ear?

No, I'll take a dick. You're not going to take his dick? No. Circumcision? Take an ear and a dick. Treat yourself. All right, an ear and a dick. No, I'll just take the ear.

If I take the dick, I'm going to play with it. Well, if you take the dick, you'll have to take the balls as well. Okay, very quickly. That's true. It's your turn again, Bobby. I'm going to jump back in. Oh, Filch. I missed true. It's your turn again, Bobby. I'm going to jump back.

Oh, Filge. I missed you again. Filge. I'm getting confused. All right, I'm going to. Snacks of Filgerasia. Am I still raging? This guy is still raging.

All right. Well, Isabella, I'm going to smash her up with my maul. Yeah. You've still got the steak if you want. Which one works better, would you say? Based on what you've experienced What do you think? What do you think?

The wooden steak But then you made that snarky comment Yeah but that was before you killed him with the steak though So I stand corrected It's my bad Sometimes I want to do two things Do you want to do one with the hammer and two with the steak? Yeah for science

Okay The hammer's the control Yeah Before you do anything Bobson's like Phil Do you want new water? two with the stakes? Yeah, for science. Okay. The hammer's the control. Yeah. Before you do anything, Bobson's like, Phil, do you want new water?

No, I'm fine. All right. Just get that old lady some water. Yep, on it. Oh, are there any Maltesers? Oh, great question. They stack them up in those nice little

pyramids in the bar. Yeah, I'll grab Maltesers. Maltesers. Okay, now you get two attacks. This is going to start cutting into your... Fair tales, please. This is going beyond the six seconds.

This is going to start cutting into your attacks. No, I want all my attacks. All right, go for all your attacks. No, use a different one for your control. Okay, so I'm going to whack her with the maul and do two stabs to the heart. Yes. Okay, so maul did very well. Thank you very much.

They all hit. All three of them hit. All hit. Okay, so far so good. Someone write this down. All hit. For her save, she rolls a 20 and a 1, which means that you hit her, you do some damage with the maul.

Yeah, my damage with the maul is 16. 16 points of damage. And with the stake, you kill her as she explodes into dust. Wow. What were the results? So, both pretty good. And holding aloft. Just busted.

Holding aloft, I have her in one hand, and a stake in the other field stands proudly astride the crumpled throne of the Duke of Daggerford in a balcony in a theatre that is ruined as people can only look on in cowering in fear, perhaps because of the werewolf in their midst, perhaps because they are watching Banknote defile a corpse with an ambulatory crab, or perhaps because of a half-orc who has discovered the joys of science. This is what causes terror in moments such as these,

and terror like this is only caused by the Dragon Friends. Thank you! Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master

is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and post accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this week's episode was recorded live

in front of a Twitch audience from Dave's studio in this age of isolation. Until next time. Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle. Bombing pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was he?

Learning to read from a talking dog. Yeah. Where's Banknode? Hugh runs his pop-up company. Do you know who's obsessed with fucker, sucker, ding dong? Who? Andrew Denton. Sucker, fucker, ding dong? Does he say it? I was in a meeting once, a writer's meeting, and I was using it as a placeholder. I'm like, you know, you say, I'm Andrew Denton, fuckerucker Ding Dong does he say it? I was in a meeting once a writers meeting and I was like using it as a placeholder

I'm like you know you say I'm Andrew Denton fucker sucker ding dong and then we get started and he's like what? say that again that's genius I thought you were

going to say that Andrew Denton listens to Dragon Friends