Dragon Friends - #6.16. Home is Full of Vampires

Episode Date: September 24, 2020

With the icy peaks of Icewind Dale in front of them and an old friend in tow, The Dragon Friends must disrupt a devious operation in the ruins of a long forgotten empire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Did you think this was a burlesque show? You were like, why aren't they stripping? Yeah, that's fine. There's no time. Okay. Oh, I forgot. I did actually have something for the half time, which is that I saw...

No, no, no, no, no. Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle, popping pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was Fields? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Way back though, he runs his papa's company.

Dark lost trust, a very naughty man. Finally together, the life of hope we call the trail. Of all the crimes, terrible and barbarous, meted out on the denizens of the Sword Coast, none have been as bloody nor as tactile as those atrocities committed by the first and cruelest empire of man, Old High Netheril. I was so surprised, by the way, for you to start a sentence like that and not end it with the dragon friends.

I was genuinely, that was a real hook turn for me. The Netheries, the magisters of the netherese empires were spellcasters with disdain for the mortal races and they show that disdain as cruel slavers and foul practices of genocide most foul for their crimes they were buried under the weighted snow of icewind dale by an alliance sworn in sprung up in opposition to them never to be seen again. But the fates have ways of making that which was meant to be buried come to light once more. And you, the dragon friends, have found a dig site

deep in the inhospitable snow of Icewind Dale, where relics, shards of old high netheril, are once again coming to the surface. But, surprise of surprises, you have found something even more sinister, even more wondrous. A mine where it seems that raw ingots of that precious substance,

chardolin or spellstone, are being mined out of the very living rock of the spine of the world. You have found this due to the diligence of a nightclaw ranger called Nicky Lanston, ex-associate and youngling blooded brother of you, Bobby Pancakes, in the times when you ran with the wolves of Barovia. This stone seems to be portentous particularly to you, Bobby,

to a vision that you received on the day of your initiation into the Nightclaws, and it is something that you want most dearly if you have the means to get it with the dragon friends you make your way back to base camp where you find a very heavy barrel buried under some hard to pronounce bushes

it is time for action it is time for a plan I think we should rest here tonight. You fucking coward. And go in tomorrow when we're very in our tip-top shape. Everybody else feels very fresh and rested. Look, I'll be honest, though. I think he's a danger to himself and us.

I mean, I thought I was someone called Friso for a moment. I don't know why that happened. I agree. And I guess that'll give me time to explain a few things. Yes. If you sleep for... If you take about six hours, night will fall as well, and then it will be easier to slip in undetected, I have to say.

If you wait for nightfall, you could make a small camp here. Yes. Just a small, tasteful camp. You know, like a tent and a fire area. Abram and Puppy Quickness gave you tents and wood and rations as well. How's your rash? Can you have a look for me, actually?

It's getting much worse. Yeah, it's really spreading. It looks like a reaction to something. Maybe being a huge baby. Maybe it's nappy rash. Oh, that's funny. You know, I think actually me do kind of get this thing that when me around a huge

pain in me ass, me get rash. I already kind of did that joke about you being a baby, so you should have come up with a different one if you wanted to zing me. Okay, well, tell me one of your weaknesses. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. One second, Bobby.

He has no weaknesses. Oh, yeah? I punch him in the dick. All right, quickly make a dexterity save for me opposed by your strength attack. Ta-da. That's an 18, thank you, Dave. All right, Nicky goes down.

Sorry, you were saying... Okay, okay, Filch, fast on. You just got punched in the dick by a baby. And you hear it... And you hear... He's doubled over. He's, like, the dick by a baby. And you hear it. And you hear it. He's doubled over. He's like snapped in half, basically. But you hear like a real kind of wolfy growl coming out.

Okay, put some snow on it. Walk it off. Nikki, I'm sorry. You can put it in there. Okay, dragon huddle. Dragon huddle. Okay. Bobby, your friend's kind of being a dick to Filch.

Yeah, well, she's kind of being a dick to him. That's true also. No, me punchy dick to him. Good one. That is what happened. That is a good one. And it's comedy. Guys, look.

What's going on? Okay. You know I died in space, right? Yeah, ring bell. When? You died in space. There was a lot of stuff to deal with. And the Wolfen, and Nikki's one of them,

they helped me deal with a lot of that stuff. Okay? But on top of all the dying in space stuff, like, look, part of the initiation is you have a vision. And part of the vision that I got was that I think I know how to kill Strahd. But

I'm going to be the one to do it and I'm also going to die in the process. Again? Yeah. In space? No, this time, maybe. Look, I don't know the details. Just let Filch do it.

Then you don't have to die. But then Strahd won't die himself. And then we're back where we started again. Look, I'm sorry if I have been distant and a dick. But I'm not going to be around for very much longer. So let's just do what we need to do.

Like, this metal is going to form a weapon that can kill Strahd. That is in the vision. That's the message. And it's going to be held by somebody can kill Strahd. That is in the vision. That's the message. And it's going to be held by somebody who has a crystal in their heart. And that's me.

And like, I have to get it. We have to do it. And like, maybe we can just undo some of the bullshit that we've kind of wrought along the way. It's kind of like a last dance. but will we get the repeat three pete i don't know what that means i will be dead oh what are you saying i'll come back to life again maybe yeah that's what I meant definitely well no what did you mean look it's a I've been having a rough time too tell me about it well I I didn't die in space but you know coming in touch with you know the things that I

feel inside I realized that I'm there are things inside that I feel inside, I realize that I'm... There are things inside that I feel. And also, on the outside, there are things that are happening in the world. Okay, best not... Don't say stuff for the sake of saying stuff! Oh, no! I just wanted to get...

I didn't want to... No, no, no, no! Let him talk, Vilge. You're allowed to feel stuff. Yeah, I no no Let him talk Vilge You're allowed to Feel stuff Yeah I'm allowed to feel Vilge Bobby puts his arm around I guess

Baston's waist Yeah And they kind of sway What What are you feeling? Uh No I just wanted to be I didn't want to feel left out

Listen you stupid fucks No one's going anywhere No one's getting killed No one's going anywhere. No one's getting killed. No one's even killing anyone. Let's just forget about it. Filch, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you on a boat.

I died in space. Yes! I know, but that's like kind of a big deal, and I guess none of you really have, like, agreed with me on that. That's kind of why I probably keep saying it. We agree with you, we just don't get it. Yeah, if you die on Earth,

you're going to make a big deal out of that. You know what? I promise I won't. You promise you won't die on Earth? No, I promise I won't make a big deal about it, because I'll be dead. Well, because you made a pretty big deal about it this time. So you've got to set a precedent.

But Bobby is already walking away from the two of you down the trail back towards Nicky. You really blew that bus, Don. Yeah. What? Bobby turns around and is like, and be nice to my friend. Wow, there's a lot of drama going on. Look, I mean, what did he try to even do to us? Hank is sleeping like a lot of drama going on. I mean, what did Stride even do to us? Hank is sleeping like a baby, by the way.

You know, sometimes we go off on these missions and I just feel like they get their own momentum and we can't even remember why we do. Like, why Stride's so bad anyway? Who knows? Who could remember? Let's just go home. Let's have a holiday. Let's get out of here right now. You know, we could go anywhere.

Just, you know, just us three. Maybe bank note, but you know. Probably not. Look, I also have trouble remembering things. But from what I can tell, home is full of vampires. Right? Like, Daggerford was home. Yeah, vampires.

Vampires. Also, I'm from Barovia. Vampires. So I guess we've got to get rid of the vampires. I think that's what this thing's about. Bobby's all like, I'm in the prophecy. I'm probably going to die.

Yeah, who isn't in a prophecy? I wrote a prophecy in my mind and it's amazing I can't tell you about it or it won't come true down the trail you can see that Nikki and Bobby have finished striking the camp

and sticking the rest of their packs and the cart back onto Stubbsy the mule. The donkey that turned into a mule overnight because of the magic of Icewind Dale. It's incredible, though. Margarita. That was very quick. So what's the plan?

When night falls, we will go into the mine. Okay, but I have, like have thought about this a lot. There's no time for that. No, no, no. Let's hear Nicky. What's your plan? What's your plan? I'm just saying it's not the kind of place

that we just storm into guns blazing. I made up what a gun is. No, we have guns in this world, unless Nicky's never seen a gun. Never seen a gun except in my vision. What does a gun look like in your vision? It's a tube that shoots T-shirts. Nicky points at the watchtower at the centre of the mine outpost. So you're warning us not to go into a mine...

With your T-shirt tube glazing. Sorry. Is this in the same vision where Nicky turned up to school naked and then he imagined also in his dream a T-shirt gun? Yeah, ironic, right? Yeah. Everyone had the t-shirt

except me. It went thump to him and thump to her and they covered their nakedness. But they weren't even naked to begin with, they just put on more clothes. You know? Madame Draskov, what does this mean? And she was like, I'm so

sorry, you've got the pre-dream that makes no sense. Come here. Got to rewind it and clean it. Nikki points at the, as I said, there's a tower in the centre of the mine outpost. You can see, even in the evening, what little light that there is, you can see that there are two figures up there, and what seems to be a giant spear-throwing baluster, and there is also a signal flare launcher as well, which I suppose looks much like a t-shirt cannon. And

he says, if they see anything, they fire flares. You saw the main camp before. Commander Brightwell's men, he has fast, rapid dispatch troops he will send to any of the remote camps, the satellite camps, if they fire flares.

We have to go in quiet. We could do quiet. Can you? Just for me now, show me what quiet sounds like. I will give you, from now, go. Right now? Oh, my God. Okay.

What's that? What are you doing? I'm making a quiet sound. But you could just not make a sound. Then how would you know me making it? Because I wouldn't be able to hear anything. Well, how would you know when we're starting? But you could... Bobby, I want you to deal with this.

Bank note, big yawn, you get up as well. You're up as well now. And you are no longer exhausted. Yes, I'm feeling so refreshed. Are you all feeling great? Excellent. No, looks like there's some sort of trauma that happened. Anyway, no time to explain. We've got a mind to blow up, I assume.

So the aim is reconnaissance, information, and as much of this awe that we can carry out of this. Yes, the... Okay, I'm just going to do an intelligence check to see if Banknote, not Heng, but Banknote knows what the word reconnaissance means. He rolls a three, Dave. No, he is...

Despite your time at the Academy of Sciences in Waterdeep, you have not come across the word reconnaissance. You think it means... You come across the word reconnaissance. You think it's renaissance. I agree. It's important we have a fully rounded being. Then you just start setting off fireworks. So, Dave.

Yes. We can see the flare launches from where we are. You can, but they're about 600 feet away. There's a tower. There is a small perimeter. Most of the people there are minors and it looks like there's a small amount of guards. Are there any adults there just keeping watch? Any adults? Are you proud of yourself? Are you proud of yourself? Yeah, you like that?

Is that the kind of jokes you want to do on this podcast? Do you feel like a big tough guy now for bullying poor Dave? That's funny. Poor Dave who just sculled a margarita while he's down. You feel cool? You big cool guy? You can see, as I said, you can see two guards in the watchtower. You can also see a man in a quite shiny breastplate with a feather on a helmet down below talking to another guard.

Take him out. And a big hulking figure, bigger than a man, standing near the mic. How tall? It's eight feet. Oh, eight feet. Wow. I've learned something in four and a half fucking years.

Did you know that Andre the Giant was like seven feet six or something? He wasn't even that tall. No, that's fucking huge. No, but Yao Ming is like seven foot eighteen or something? He wasn't even that tall. No, that's fucking huge! No, but like, Yao Ming is like seven foot eighteen or something. Seven foot thirty-six.

Big. I guess that's why they call him Andre the Giant. Makes sense. Puzzled over that for years. Okay, so... 600 feet away.

The question is, do we want to sneak around or do we need to take out the flares before we go in? So the guards up there are trying to keep an eye on... Are you familiar with the concept of a watchtower? Tell me more. The magazine put out by Jehovah's Witnesses? Never mind.

Have I got that right? Jehovah's Witnesses? Sorry, I might be wrong. A cross to it? Yeah, you've climbed down the cliff top now, so you're about 600 feet away. You just need to follow the mountain range along. Remember, this was in the cleft of one of the mountains. I guess ideally, if we come and go

without anyone realising we were here, that's the best case scenario. What's the likelihood of that happening? We're wearing white parkas. Oh, I forgot. We're invisible white parkas. Oh, I forgot. We're invisible. Okay. All right, let's do it.

Let's sneak. So a single file all together. How does this work? Dave, I'm going to put the crab into stealth mode. The crab does not have a stealth mode. The crab is, remember, it's very quick to deploy, but the crab makes, it has the sound of a diesel engine roaring. Can I ask, have you opened the crab yet?

No, I guess I haven't. Oh, fuck. I really, I should have waited until he opened it. Yeah. Because he didn't. But it zapped his dick right off. Is it, but is it, because it's got it zapped his dick right off. Is it? But is it? Because it's got sharp pincers, right?

Yes. So is this like a lady in, is a crab in the snow like a lady in high heels at a lawn wedding? Yeah, yeah. It would also, no, but it would, no, it's not. So it's. No, you fall in? The crab is an all terrain. The crab is an all terrain vehicle.

It can even cope in the snow, the crab, but the sound of the crab is a constant diesel roar. Look, as a fail-safe, you could have it ready to go and you could put the thing to your head and whoop whoop from wherever we are if we get into any trouble. What about if I head to the front and I try and sell them the crab as a distraction while you sneak in?

It's a mechanical operation that can be used in a mining thing, you know? This is machinery. You need it for digging. Yeah. Nicky, what do you think about this plan? I am resigned to die tonight, so... Hey, okay, okay.

Okay, well, look, if we're doing this the Dragon Friends way, I think we're probably best off shoving some T-shirts into the flare launchers so that if we do get into trouble and they want to launch the flares, they only launch t-shirts. Just like in my vision. That's what it meant. Okay, wait. Okay, so Bobby, can you here take this blanket? Yep.

And I'll take one and we'll sneak to the flares and then we'll fill the flares with the flare launchers with the things and then we'll go into the mine. Okay, but that is a watchtower

inside the perimeter in the centre of the camp. Okay, different plan. No, no, no, no, no. But I mean, it's night time. There are minimal patrols. It is possible

You could just say it's classic stealth mission stuff, guys. Yeah, stealth stuff. Someone's been playing some Ghost of Tsushima. Yeah, exactly. Just snippy snap. Alright, we'll meet you at the... Triangle mission stuff, guys. Yeah, stealth stuff. Someone's been playing some Ghost of Tsushima. Yeah, exactly. Just snippy snap.

All right, we'll meet you at the... Climb and climb. Triangle, triangle, triangle, triangle, triangle. We'll meet you at the entrance to the mine. So you guys are going to go to the mine. You're going to try and sneak into the camp. Are you still doing your thing? Uh, no.

We're going to go with... Me and Baitnode will go to the mine. Okay. So you're traveling along the side of the mountains but outside the perimeter so that you can. But are you keeping

the crab on standby so you can doink doink it into battle or? Well I guess I can't move the crab without the donkey or the mule. Yeah create the

distraction. No I can't move the crab without the mule can I Dave? Yeah yeah but the mule is a single mule and as long as you stay you know 120

feet away you can get much much closer to the camp. Yeah okay we'll take the mule and the crab. I'd like you guys to make a stealth check with advantage because you're undercover.

It's night time. The world's strongest mule. Just one. One is fine. Yeah, smashed it. Yep. What did you say? When you say,

yeah, I smashed it. I got 18 plus my stealth. Okay, that's fine. I only got nine. It's all right. It's all right. I asked him to roll it, so we're all good.

I don't know why I suggested Baston for this mission. He's not very stealthy. Wait, are you the stealth operative? You're not sending Bobby Pancakes the rogue? Yeah, I'll go with them and Bobby can go. No, but are you... I like the way that Baston realises he's like,

I'll go and then takes one step and steps on a tuber or something. No, I'm in a Bobby. So many tubers. Okay, so this is your moment, Bobby. In that case case roll for me a solo stealth check 21 21 so bobby that was your first check to get to the perimeter you sneak forward a white uh blur on the snow as you make your way past the perimeter and now you are standing right up against the fence you can see from this point you can burrow under the snow and get inside the camp, but you can also see a conversation that the plumed officer is having

with another one of the guards. Do you feel like a big man? Does that make you feel good, slacking off? Is that what this is? Oh, no. Well, then why'd you slack off? Oh, I just was a bit tired. Well, you're tired, were you? Yeah, I've was a bit tired. Well, you're tired, were you?

Yeah, I worked a lot. Why didn't you have a nice nap? Well, that's what I did. I took a nap. All you need to do is you come to me and you say, Captain Jandal. Yes, Captain Jandal. You say, Captain Jandal. Captain Jandal.

I'm a bit sleepy. I'm a bit sleepy. And then I'll go, all right. Off I go then. No, you better say it to me. Yeah, I just did. Okay, you better say it to me. Yeah, I just did. Okay, but let me finish.

Okay. Alright, go and have a nap. Alright, off I go then. And so the only guard on watch... goes and has a nap. Yes, living called leadership. And then he stands there wondering what he did. Is now opposite... Is Officer Jandall now on watch?

Yeah. All right. So the only person on watch is now Officer Jandall. Okay. Oh, and the guys in the watchtower. Right. Oh. That was the guy on the gate.

And so the flares are in the watchtower. That's correct. The top. Okay. Can I scale the outside? Yeah, you can. So you've got one more stealth check will get you to the foot of the tower.

That's a one, but I can roll again because I'm a lucky boy. That's a 15. 15. Okay, so you start to wriggle under the snow, but your white parka gets caught on the wire and the claws that are built into the emergency perimeter, and you hear a loud

rip noise that Jandal notices as well. What? What? What? I guess I'll cast Disguise Self as the officer who just... Went to have a nap. Went to have a nap. Okay, great. You instantly cast Disguise Self, yep. And I'll...

Make a perception check for Jandal. Yep, he fails, go on. Okay, well then I'll just... Can I perception check for Jandal. Yep, he fails. Go on. Okay, well then I'll just... Can I still try and sneak... You're just buried. So he walks around and he sees the guard

that he told to go have a nap half under the fence with his coat ripped open by the bottom of the fence. Coleman! Sir. Coleman! Captain, yes.

What are you doing? I told you to have a nap not have a rip of your shirt. I've plunged myself in the snow to refresh and reinvigorate myself because I am ashamed at my sleepy behaviour. That's not what I said at all! I'm doing leadership! I'm taking initiative.

Did I inspire that? Okay, while that conversation is happening, Jandal has walked... The rest of the dragon friends are about 100 feet away from the gate and you can see that the only guard at the gate, a plumed-hatted officer, has walked around the fence and for a moment, the gate is empty. Can we run in as fast as we can?

Yeah, you can if you want. Are you trying to be sneaky because you're making that can? Yeah, if you can, if you want. Are you trying to be sneaky because you're making that noise? Yeah, we're all making wind noises. Is that your legs in the parka fabric? Yes, and we'll take the donkey in as well. Wait, no, hang on. It's a very stealthy

donkey. Take this visual picture for me. Why did you bring the donkey? Because the donkey has the apparatus on top of it Do you want to stay with the apparatus Where the other two run in? Okay, I'll stay with the apparatus Alright, well just hide

Bury yourself under the snow No, I'm not burying myself under the snow Get in the snow and I'll fucking bury you in the snow I'm not going in the snow Get in the snow I'm not going in the snow Get in the snow You can't make me go in the snow

Get in the snow You're not my real dad, that's not Make dexterity tests, both of you. Two, that's not good. Okay, and Filch? Five. Me? Eight.

I got a big old 15. Okay, so Filch races in, seeing an opening, and races through the gate. And she makes a tiny little bit of noise, but she gets behind one of the tents. And at that moment, Jandal suddenly hears something, turns, but Filch has already hidden herself. As he walks, he realises, clocking, that he's left the gate open. Oh, gosh, Coleman, I've got to be honest with you. I really let you have it,

but having just done this gig for about a minute and a half, it's very complicated. So I just want to say that having... While he's saying this, he's locking the gate again. Having, you know, walked a mile in your shoes in a way that it's difficult and I respect you for doing it. Thank you, sir. Are we standing at the gate in this scene?

So now... No, no, no. Phil, Dexterity was to see who had the initiative to actually run through. So Phil is now hiding behind a tent. Captain Jandal is standing in front of the locked gate. The gates are locked now. Baston is burying Banknote in the snow for reasons that make sense. No, no, no, I'm not allowing that.

I beat him in a dexterity check. Baston and Banknote are rolling around in the snow. And Bobby Jandal nods at you sort of confused and then walks back to his foreman's office, a sort of demountable on the side of the camp. I'll take the keys then, sir. I'm back on watch. You can count on me.

You don't have your keys? Don't make a deception, Jackie's pretty stupid. That's a 17 plus nine. That'll make sense because I give... And then... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so fucking nice. I fucking love Captain Chandler. I'm going to remember that. I will.

I really will. Okay. Hooray. He walks over to his foreman's office, reaches down for his ring of keys, looks at the door, and then smashes a window and walks inside. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have I clocked where Filch is? Sorry? Have I clocked where Filch is? Yeah, you saw Filch because you saw this all happen over his shoulder.

I'm going to throw her the keys. Does Filch know that it's you? Regardless, she'll have the keys. That's true. Okay, so yeah, Filch, one of the other guards. You've seen him use his disguise magic before, but one of the other guards throws you the keys. Yep, I got a 14.

You grab them. And what are you going to do? I'm going to make my way up the watchtower. Okay, make a deception. One more stealth check because you're trying to get around the scouts. That's a... Sorry, did you say deception? No, a stealth.

Stealth. That's 22. Okay, great. So you start to scale the watchtower. What are you going to do, Filch? From the outside. Yeah, that's what I figured. Yeah, yeah, cool.

Also, can you make for me an athletics check? That was the deception component. That's a one. I can roll that again. Halfling nimbleness. That's a three. Alright, it's going to take you a long time, so we're going to go to Filch. I'm going to

try and open the gate. Is the gate far from the entrance of the cave? No, you're standing right near the gate. Yep. So is the gate far from the entrance of the cave? No, you're standing right near the gate, but don't forget that you're very conscious of the fact that the watchtower is manned. Yes, I know. And the tent, can I sort of see any shadows inside it?

There is a sleeping identical, there is an identical soldier inside it, you can see by just peeking inside that looks identical to the soldier that just threw you the keys who is putting in his airpods just getting ready to go to sleep. Magical sending stone airpods.

What's he listening to as he goes to sleep Dave? Neutral Milk Hotel. Fun fact the band Neutral Milk Hotel exists across all known universes. Can I sneak in and... True Neutral Milk Hotel. There you go.

I was wondering if you were going to go with that or Neutral Milk Dimension Hotel. I mean, there are options there. And they're all hilarious. So it's really just a crapshooters to which I'd opt for. Sorry, you had a question, Alex? Yeah. Can I sneak inside the tent and...

Make a self-check. Yep. And do a murder? Do a murder. That's what you were thinking. Go on, treat yourself. Do a little murder. Oh, no.

Four. You walk in and as soon as you do, as soon as you walk in, giant half-orc that you are, the guard snaps his eyes open and looks at you and you have a second act. I tackle him to the ground, like

smothering him with my body. Opposed strength. He rolls in. Make an attack quickly. Yep, I did it. I got 12 plus what, four? Okay, great. You dive forward, you pin him to the ground,

and you clamp your hand over his mouth. And then I don't take my hand off until he's still. Okay, so that's... Wait, so you're going to use an airtight grip to suffocate him? Why don't you use some... Very big hands. That was very close to the journalistic use of passive voice. All right, so you're going to...

Staring him in the eyes, you obstruct his nose and mouth until he goes still. What neutral milk hotel song is playing in his ear? It's in an aeroplane over the sea, so it's like, it's nice. It's a nice one to go out to. There are worse ways to go. There are worse ways to go. Meanwhile, Bobby and, no, no, Bobby and Bastogne, Banknote and Bastogne, too many Bs in this.

You have lost contact with the others. It's now been a couple of minutes. You're getting nervous. You saw that the door was locked after Fields ran in. What do you do? Did Fields open the lock to the gate? No, I was on my way. I'm inside the tent.

Sorry, Nicky is what? Like, just with Bobby, maybe? Nicky is also sneaking in, and he is, oh, yes, in fact, Nicky went in with Bobby, won his stealth checks as well, and also won his athletics check, so he's up higher. Bobby, with advantage, make one more athletics check. That's a... With advantage.

Yeah, that's 10. Okay, oh, do you have acrobatics? Oh, yeah, I do. Okay, you can do that. That's 18. Okay, great. So leveraging yourself on Nicky's hand, you swing yourself up. You're now at the top just holding onto the rim of the tower.

You're above the side of the perimeter. Alex? Yep. I'm shuffling in the tent towards the gate. Wait, you're shuffling the whole tent over? Yeah. I'm tiptoeing in the tent gradually. With a corpse in it.

Holding a still warm body, you're lifting up the tent and then moving it. Now, is he definitely dead? We just went still. He's in the process of asphyxiation. He's Katie. Bobby, you are now holding on to the rim with Nikki on the other side of the tower and you can see, banknote and best on,

you can see by the light of the moon a shape you assume is Bobby Banknote almost scaling the tower. The door is still locked. Bobby Pancakes, but it's fine. What'd I say? Bobby Banknote, which is a fun slash. That's weird.

What is going on in my mind? Banknote, do you want me to give you a leg up? No, no, no, no. We will wait here. Alright. In the snow? Get in the snow. I'm not getting in the snow. Get in the snow.

I'm not getting in the snow. I'm going to go in the snow. Alright. Filch, the body goes limp and then you are now by the gate. I unlock it. Okay, while you are doing that... And I go... So they know it's me.

Nikki... Just hear from, like, up the tower. Nikki and Bobby, you are now at the top of the tower, holding on to the rim. Dude, can we... Are the flare guns overhanging, or can we, like, stuff them from the outside? No, no, the flare guns overhanging? Or can we stuff them from the outside? No, the flare gun, essentially it's a mortar.

It's actually an attachment on the baluster. And it's got a mortar attachment that fires the flare. Is there anybody manning it? Yeah, there's two archers. Two men with crossbows. Kill them. Slit their throats. Kill them all.

They're probably not good people. Yeah. And you can hear them having a slow conversation. Oh! Oh. Hey!

Oh, Starlight Express is my favourite musical. You like a Starlight Express? Oh, it's so good. I like it whenlight Express? Oh, it's so good. I like The Phantom. Oh, The Phantom of the Opera.

No. No, it's so good. No, the comics. What? I like The Phantom Comics. Oh, that's stupid. There's no opera in that one. They're just on an orange.

I think we're talking at Crossbell. This is Crossbow Purposes. Yes, Bobby. Opera in fantasy. What do you do, Bobby? I guess I'll make a sign. Nicky says, how do you want to play this? We'll probably make a shared sign.

I hope no one murders us tonight. That would be my most sincere wish. I think it's just like a slitting the throat kind of. Slitting the throat. Just flip up and cool at the same time. Just high five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

So it'll be to swing up on either side behind the other. And slit their throats. Sneak attack. All right, that's a sneak attack. Yeah, make the attack right now. Yeah, right. That's a seven plus... What do I get for sneak attack?

Your attack roll. Plus 46. With your dagger. Plus get for sneak attacks? Your attack roll. Plus 46. With your dagger, plus seven. Seven. So whatever you roll. That's a 14. Dave, not for nothing, but Nicky just rolled a nat 20. Okay, great.

All right. So Bobby, how much damage did you do? Oh, I haven't done the damage yet. I'm a plus 14. Okay, you hit. Yeah. Okay, so first of all, I'll describe why you're rolling that. Nicky, you jump forward on your powerful squat little hands,

land with no sound despite a quite tall anime-style leap. You land behind one of the archers. There is a sound, by the way, because he can't help himself. He's like, that is how you be silent. Oh, wait, fuck. And as the archer suddenly hears that, he starts to turn around as Nicky grabs his head with both hands and gives it a sharp twist, and you hear a crack,

and the first archer goes down. How much damage did you do? 20 points of damage. Okay, 20 points of damage. At the same time, the other archer tries to turn around as Bobby comes out like a streak of lightning and stabs him in the midsection, and he tries to scream in pain.

As he does that, as he does that, Nicky punches him in the neck, which cuts out the volume of the scream. Make a deception check. Deception? Deception? Deception. That's a 22. Okay, Jandal

still doesn't hear it, But you guys all notice this Filch, what do you do? At this point the door swings open Are they running towards me? No, so the gate of the camp opens directly into a tent I guess It's like a shit escape room. I pull open the door, I guess slide open the door of the tent to let them in.

Hello. I don't remember this being here. What are the odds? Bastogne. Oh, you've killed a man. We have started combat, just so you understand. Oh, we're in combat? And it's Bastogne's action.

But who's there to kill? Yeah, no one. I'm in a tent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I still need you to know, Jandal's still in his tent. There's a big figure near the mines. There's other miners around. All right.

You don't need to attack every turn. Back down. Get in the tent. Okay. All right. Donkey's in the tent as well. Wait, hang on. He did say it is, so I guess it is.

No, you know what? I've been very negative about it, but you've brought a whole tent. Wait, hang on. He did say it is, so I guess it is. No, you know what? I've been very negative about it, but you've brought a whole tent. As long as you're willing to travel in the tent, you can move a donkey and a cart around the camp. There's four of us. We'll each take a corner. Donkey's got a corner too. With advantage, make a quite hard difficulty check. A difficulty check?

Yeah, DC 20. What? Deception. We're trying to move a, DC, 20. What? Deception. We're trying to move a tent very stealthily. With a donkey inside. Yeah, 20. You rolled a 20? 17 plus 3 is 20.

Oh my god, okay. I got 18. Is Jandrell just staring out the window being like, is that? He's like, do I? Oh, actually. Yeah, Jandall still hasn't called the alarm, which means that it's now Bobby's turn. But his hand's like there on the alarm.

He's like, do I? The archer pulls out a dagger and attacks you, Bobby, and he rolls a 16. Does that hit? Oh, Bobby didn't kill the guy? No, he's still alive. Oh. Wait, what? A 16.

Does a 16 hit? Can I do halfling nimbleness? Sure. What does that mean? That means I get half damage. It's a dagger. It's not going to be a strong attack. Not half.

I think you just got stabbed, bro. Let's just say you get hit. No, I'm Kenny Dodge. I get half the attack. Okay, you take three points. Let's just say you get hit. No, I can't dodge. I get half the attack. Okay, you take three points of damage. And now Nicky? Nicky just uses his makes an attack. Yeah.

16 plus 4. 20. 20, yep, that hits. And because Bobby's in front of him, it's a sneak attack and he does another 13, 17 points of damage, and the second archer goes down, you guys... See, this is what happens when you run with the wolves, like a clockwork.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry I'm a little rusty. I died in space, so, you know. Well, the company you keep, I'm not surprised. Okay, lay off. Okay, well, you lay off. What do you want to do with the mortar and the baluster there? So we'll remove the mortar from the... Wait.

The mortar is built into it. You can pull the sort of firework payload out of the mortar. Nicky takes like a kind of... He's got a tunic out of a bag and he just shoves it in the thing. I can see. That's his own tunic? Yeah. No, no, no.

He didn't bring stuff with him. They left all the stuff. You pull off your tunic. You've still got your cloak and he stuffs it and he wedges it into the mortar. Alright, I'm going to take the explosive payload out. Yep. And put it in my... It's essentially a stick of dynamite.

So you take that as well. Yep. Alright, by now the tent has very slowly is bumping up against the foreman's office. Is that Jandals? Yeah. Okay, okay. I'm going to cast Disguise Self on myself. No, you know what? I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to take the clothes from the dead guard and put them on. Okay. So you got naked while Filj and Bastogne... Okay, look. Nobody look. Okay, nobody look. Look at the corners, everyone.

And you too, donkey. No one look at my shame. All right, you are now dressed as one of the frontier mercenaries guarding this camp. I'm going to bring the donkey and the barrel to Jandal's office door. Knock? Knock, knock. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

Okay, great. So you just, I want to stop you. You knock on the door and Jandal opens the door into a tent. I imagine we were like, I imagine we were back a bit Or whatever yeah No I think You said flush Yeah you said flush

So he's into a tent And inside the tent Standing at the door Is one of his guards Behind that is a half-orc And Bastogne And a donkey And a cart with a barrel

And a body And a body A naked body. With a face he recognises all too well. No, it's face down, face down. Oh, did you make the body turn over to not look at your shame when you got dressed? Don't look at me.

You can see my shame from beyond the grave. Excuse me, sir. Can I help you? Make a deception check. Another hard deception check. 18 is what I got. 15 plus 3. Excuse me, sir.

I was wondering if you could help me. I heard from head office that some of... I've already succeeded in the deception check. I've already succeeded in the deception I've already succeeded in the deception you got 18 so and hard is technically

a 20 it's so close that he doesn't immediately like jig to this but he's going to ask you about everything he sees that's suspicious you have to have

an answer for everything so I got this barrel here from head office and I can't seem to open it could you try and um who's that my name no well yeah let's start that Sir, I got this barrel here from head office and I can't seem to open it. Could you try and...

Who's that? My name? No. Let's start with that. What's your name? My name is Jooves. And who's she? Again, he's wearing a name tag that says Coleman.

That is one of the prisoner half-orcs Who I've turned into one of our informants Well that Is above and beyond Because I don't think we had that We did not have that program We are minors I have a couple more questions

Fields just suddenly starts walking slowly towards him And going program. We are minors. I have a couple more questions. Fields just suddenly starts walking slowly towards him and going what a beautiful face we have found in this place that is circling all round the sun. And she

clamps her hand on his mouth. What a beautiful dream that could flash on the screen in the blink of As she clamps her hand on his mouth. What a beautiful dream. It could flash on the screen in the blink of an eye and be done. And they just slowly bring him to the ground. Oh, thanks, Willi. He starts trying to sing with you as you sing softly, Phil. After about 10 or 11 seconds,

he starts trying to pull away from your hand as you clamp more firmly on. Let me hold it close. He begins to jerk in panic as starts trying to pull away from your hand as you clamp more firmly on. Let me hold it close! He begins to jerk in panic as he tries to get away from you as you walk him into the back wall of his head office as he frantically starts slapping on the wall, trying to grab his rapier on a table, slamming it over to the side, tears pouring down his eyes as he intrigues you, sentient being to sentient being, worker to worker, to just let him live. Maybe he could be an ally to you. And finally, his eyes roll up in his head and he slumps down to the ground. Okay, that's done.

That is for some reason genuinely upsetting. Yeah. All right, the... I'll be blocking that one out. Very quickly, inside the head office, you see a big table, you see some papers that look like plans and diagrams, and you see a locked iron chest and a simple bed. Ooh, a bed.

What do the plans look like? The plans are diagrams of what looks like a city of ziggurats with placements in circles around it. It looks like plans of the giant dig site you saw before. Okay, I want to roll that up. And then instructions. Instructions as well. There's a letter.

Oh. It's a broken seal. The seal says B crossed in a says B B crossed in a W B crossed in a W A B with a W superimposed over it But W It's broken so you can read it if you want But Wednesday I'll look at you later

And what's in the chest? The chest is locked I kick it open Bam Seven You hurt your foot Plus six The chest is locked. I kick it open. Bam. Seven. All right. You hurt your foot. No, plus six.

You can't kick a locked chest open. I try again. 16, Dave. You can't kick a locked chest open. Do you want me to do it again? Can I try and pick the lock? Yes, you can. I'll use my artifice tools.

17. All right. You snap it open and inside you see what looks like brilliant, jagged pieces of an incredibly shiny metal. They're not ingots. They're like jagged spikes of this metal, and as one of them catches the light, a flash of purple comes off it.

Spiky nugs. It's the stuff. It's the chardolin. Chardolin. I would say there's the shardalyn. Shardalyn. I would say there's a few pounds of it. There's like enough to make something with. All right, well, let's take this with us. I'm taking it on.

All right, you grab the chest. Meanwhile, up in the tower, you suddenly notice commotion, Bobby, as coming out of the mine is that big eight-foot figure that you saw before, which you now realise is a large ogre. And he's dragging behind him, casually, what looks like a crossbow that was once a war machine, like once a baluster, that he's using as a crossbow. Whoa. And he shouts out,

Jandol! Jandol! I've been thinking about all the motivational things that you told me about believing in myself and not letting people push me around. And I just want to say that I think you're right. Where are you, Jandell? I'm going to do...

Can I do a performance check? Yep. That's a 13 plus 6. Yep. So I'm going to try and mimic Jandal's voice. Okay. I'm up here. Hey.

I'm proud of you. What? I'm proud of you. That is so fucking nice. I can't. I'm going of you. That is so fucking nice. I can't. I'm going to remember that. And I'm going to remember this. But, bud.

What? It's night time. Yeah? Rest your pretty little head. You deserve it. You've come a long way. Alright, well, I guess I'll turn in. And he goes to the foreman's office where he sleeps.

Why does he sleep in the foreman's office? No, no, his tent is right next door. I get nightmares! His tent is right next door, but he is now heading right towards the exit. So he will see the giant tent. What do you do, the rest of you in the foreman's office? I want to go out the window. Okay, make stealth checks for me. Yeah office. I want to go out the window. Okay, make stealth checks for me.

Yeah, we'll all try and go out the window. My match. She smashed it to open the door. Oh, yeah, that's true. Everybody make a stealth check. Just that it's getting out. Nine. An 11 for me.

Nine. Nine, nine, nine, nine. Hot three. All right. All three of you are trying to get out. Who do you think will be bumping into? Yeah. None of you can get out.

And suddenly Grizzak suddenly looks up and he says, boy, what's going on in there? I am a prisoner. You got me. This doesn't sound right at all. And he shouts and you can see more figures coming out of the mines as he levels his giant war machine at all of you and he says come out of the come out

of the captain's office one at a time hands up okay i'll go first while you're doing this bobby you're noticing nicky makes a signal at you and starts um slings himself over the side of the tower and jumps onto a nearby bit of building, like construction equipment, to the side of the ogre. He's also regretting taking his tunic off because it's quite cold. I don't quite understand why he took his tunic off. I didn't think about it. I was trying to just block the pipe, but I thought the smarter thing was... Very pointy nipples.

Anyway. Dave, I'm going to walk towards the ogre dude with my hands up. So the door swings open and Bastogne comes out with his hands up? Yeah, with his hands up. As you take two steps out, he goes, that's enough. The rest of you. Yeah, yeah. He's here the body of Jandal from the door, babe?

Not yet, not yet. But I want to attack him with a flurry of blows. Okay, but you're 40 feet away from him. Oh, that's too far. So what are you going to do? I'm going to do Step of the Wind so I can dash as a bonus action. Alright, you dash?

Yeah, towards him. Okay, so you're going to just immediately dash at him? Yeah, and kick him in the head. Okay, you dash at him and with his giant repeater crossbow make for me quickly a dexterity save. No, I don't think I will, Dave. Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's not enough. That's bad.

I rolled poorly, Dave. All right, you take 21 points of damage, Gaston. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you do. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, you do. You take 21 points of damage.

Wait, what? As he fires a shot, and you sprawl against a barrel, breaking it, and you fall down to the ground, momentarily winded. The rest of you, out of the house now. 21, that's a lot. Yeah, it's a huge war machine. 40. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

And he cocks it. It's double-barreled, and there's still one more arrow in the shot inside it. The rest of you, out now, or your friend gets the other arrow. I hold Jandal in front of my body. I'm a human shield. Dead body of Jandal. Spill, spill, spill. Okay, so you walk out very slowly, holding a slightly limp body.

Yep. And I cast Friends. Okay, Friends. On the Hogar. So I get charisma at something. Yeah, you have advantage on all charisma checks. So that just gives you advantage. This is already quite hard, but you will get a reroll now.

Now try and use your charisma. What's your play here? Snow Police! What? Snow Police. What? We found this body of this man. Me believe he belong to your camp.

That's... That's what I was trying to tell you. Make for me a charisma with advantage. DC 20 again. Wait. Oh, no. I only got 13. The snow police came by just two hours ago.

You're in the wrong place in the wrong part of the world. You're going to die here in the day. You understand that? You're going to die and no one's going to know in this desolate place alone. And as he says that, Nicky is getting up, Bobby, and you can see he's about to pounce. And he very slowly takes his crossbow

as he walks over until he's pointing it at Baston's head. And just as he's about to pull the trigger, Nicky jumps at Grizak and rolls a 2 and Grizak spins around with his last arrow in his war machine crossbow and rolls a 19 and

wait, who's he shooting? He spun around at Nicky and he plucks Nicky out of the sky Shooting him through his midsection And pinning him against the war machine Through his naked torso And giving you all a moment suddenly

To act as you scurry back into the snow As the rest of the miners Well, be honest, how bad is it? His hand is hanging limply. Am I above still? You're still above. But he's pinned to the guard tower? No, he looks up at you.

Grizzak is trying to reload his bow. I will crossbow him. Grizzak. You can, but... That's a 14. Yep. Plus 7. 14 plus 7, 21 hits.

Yep. That's a 5 damage. Okay, cool. You do 5 points of damage to him as he howls in pain, but he keeps loading his crossbow. It's going to take a second for him to load the crossbow. Can I attack him now, full of arrows? You...

I mean, no, you can't. You're too winded. The rest of you, I suppose, can, but you also have an opportunity if you want to get out Oh, you want us to run away Is that what you want? No, I don't want you to You can stay, but remember

There are miners coming out of the cave Oh, yeah It's really, it's up to you I'm going to get my moon touch sword And I'm going to shine it at Nicky Oh, that's a cool idea You're going to hit him with the moon touch sword? Yeah. Alright, so you pull out your sword.

You're going to have to wait for your next encounter. So first of all, these guys get an opportunity if you want to Alex or Hing. Well, actually I'm feeling really, really itchy. It's really, really getting to me. It's actually going to where it's so annoying. It's actually making me quite angry.

And I go into a rage. You go into a rage. Alright. Yeah. And I go into a rage. You go into a rage. All right, so Filch, you go into a rage. Banknote, what are you doing? Beep, beep. Beep, beep. And roars and clicks as the articulating claws of the banknote apparatus come to life once again. The dragon friends are ready to take the fight to stride at last in the icy depths of Icewind Dale,

where they will take out Grizzak and perhaps an entire encampment of miners as Officer Jandal's body lies broken on the ground Officer Jandall's body lies broken on the ground, Cormon's body lies broken on the ground, and unbeknownst to the dragon friends, bleeding out, even as he transforms the light of celestial lunar fierceness, the power of the nightclaws themselves already fading from his eyes as above, Nicky Lanston slowly succumbs to the ice and horror and pain of his wounds, just as the old prophecy said, naked, surrounded

by miners. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hinn. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Carty. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me,

Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney. Until next time! Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle Bobby Pancakes! He was running with the wolves Learning to read from the talking dog He runs his papa's company

He's a very naughty man The life of hope we call the Dragon Friends Debbie, for everyone in the building, stop airdropping me photos. What's it a photo of? That was a photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger with his head smushed as a baby. And before it was a photo of Mark Bonanno for some reason. Stop it! Hey Ben, get off your phone.

No, it's not my notes. It's my iPad. Put it on F. I put it on airplane mode. No. You've got something important to send me. Okay, well she's got something important to send me. What was the last one? The last one was that picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger as a baby. Yep, again.

So that's it. What? No, I sent the important one. Uh-huh. It's the same photo, Demi! Airplane mode. All right, that's about enough of that.