Dragon Friends - #6.17. Cool Puberty with Tom Walker

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

With the miners of Icewind Dale surrounding them and down an ally, The Dragon Friends need a miracle to escape with their spellstone prize. Fortunately, a miracle is about to arrive in the form of a legend from Bobby's past. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

No, I don't want to die. I want to fake my own death and move to China and become a successful comedian. It's different Alex Also the podcast audience won't hear that first bit. So it'll just sound much more troubling than it is Talking dog, yeah Way back when He runs his poppers Comfort me The dark lord's trust A very naughty man Finally together The life of hope We call the dragon friend Poets and explorers alike

Have tried and failed To capture the icy splendor Of the spine of the world That jagged and imposing barrier Between the warmer Southland and inhospitable tundra of Icewind Dale. Are you going to continue opening that chocolate block while I talk?

I thought it would be a good time because I wouldn't have to talk for a while. It was actually an act of mercy because you said tundra. You did say tundra. And he crackled right over it. The empty silence and terrifying solitude here have driven men and women alike to madness and despair, and yet silence is not a word one could use to describe this vista currently.

The dragon friends have snuck their way in and exploded their way out of some kind of mercenary mining camp under the command of one late Captain Jandal, but very obviously under the employ of their perennial nemesis, Strahd von Zarovich. Strahd was digging raw, unrefined spellstone or chardolin out of the very ice that gives the Dale its name. And Bobby, if you have a pen fight while I do this, I'm going to stop the show and we're all going home. Strahd was digging spellstone out of the snow.

But you've got some of her, Bobby, in a small lockbox under your arm. The gig is up. You've been rumbled. The mine is coming to life. There's an ogre called Krizek. He's got a double-barreled siege. Crossbow, pow, pow, pow. You remember Nicky Lansden?

He's dead. Tough-looking merchants coming out of the mines. It seems like an attack is evident. Remembering again, poor Nicky Lansden, that nightclub scout who you brought here is pinned by seed shot and bleeding out above you, but you are not entirely without weapons yourselves. Bank note, you sit aside your apparatus war machine, already

spluttering to life. Filge and Baston, lit by the burning torches of the camp, you stand back to back, sword and hammer at the ready as more and more mercenaries file out of the mines behind Krizak, forming a lazy half circle behind him. With a whoosh and howl, an alarm flare is fired from somewhere near the mine's mouth.

Things are about to get very bad as Krizak cocks his gun again. He fires and his shot goes wide and it splinters the corner of the cabin behind you, Bastogne, demolishing a load-bearing strut as the whole side of the cabin behind you, Bastogne, demolishing a load-bearing strut as the whole side of the cabin wrinkles. Nice try. And collapses into the snow. Bad at aiming guy.

Oh, I still have a spear in me from the last time you shot me. You are quite injured, is that correct? Look, I'm quite injured. I'm somewhat injured. I have injuries. I am not at full health. I am 21 below my max hit point. I'm fine.

You're fine for now. In that case, Lili Banknote, you are the first one up. So did I get into the apparatus inside the cabin? You're sitting on the top. Excellent. How far away is he? He's 25 feet away from you. Then he's within range.

I am going to two claws, leave a four. The claws extend from the front of the apparatus. Don't need to make a check for that. And then I'll make two melee attacks. What's his armor class, Dave? Armor class is 13. So 10 plus 8 is 18. 11

plus 8 is 19. They both hit. And I'll do 14 damage in total. Okay, so as the miners continue to file out of the mine, Banknote, instead of fleeing, charges forward into the heart of them inside his giant mechanical crab, cutting gouges in the snow, and gouges that has to be sent into Grizzak,

as well as he stumbles back against the onslaught. And Grizzak is now grappled. He is, as he's grabbed in one of the crab's pincers. And Bobby Pancakes, you're up next. I'm going to cast Mind Spike. So he has to... It must take a wisdom saving throw to beat me.

Yep, okay, so you're talking about Grizzak again. So he makes a wisdom saving, he passes it. He rolls an 18. Okay, he gets half of 3d8 psychic damage. Okay, great. So you do damage to Krizak as well, which is half of 14, so seven points of damage. And he is in pain, but if anything, just angrier.

Baston Indrirovich? Who can I attack? There are many miners. As I said, every second while you're fighting, more and more miners are coming out of the mine. There is probably, I'd say, about 12 of them there now behind Grizzak. Guys, I feel like we should maybe go. Maybe go.

Do we want to stay or do we want to go from here? I'm going to attack Grizzak, I guess, while I'm chatting about this. Go in, go in. I'm just throwing this out while this is happening. What's his armor class? His armor class is 13. I get out my swords. I hit twice, doing 24 damage.

Okay, so 24 points of damage. Baston Indrovich charges forward with his twin swords, a swinging Vilge Eura. I mean, me could go. Me could do with a change of scenery, me say, as I'm in an itchy rage and I'm blasting him as he's pinned down with my thunder's wake.

Because you're still slightly allergic to the ski wear, the heat tech that you're wearing, is that right? That's right, yeah. I'm itchily raging. Alright, that's fine. So, I got a 19 and a 3, so one of them hits, and I do 14 damage. Okay, 14 points of damage, and Krizak dies. Let's go after this.

Oh, look dead. Under a sustained assault from all of you, but in the time that you have taken to not back off, that half circle of miners is now three quarters of the way around you and you can see that the gates to the camp are a momentary in a moment's time are going to be cut off from you as the guards are encircling you and they're all kind of um they're they're they're an angry mob uh so are they chanting anything well no they kind of sound like an angry mob in a musical like The Music Man.

Do they, Ben? Yeah, they do. They're like, what do you mean? Let's get his hide! What's the point of The Music Man? I mean, what's the single crux of The Music Man? Have you seen the episode of The Simpsons where they sell a monorail? Yes.

Okay, it's that. There's a monorail! No, sorry, crucially. where they sell a monorail? Yes. Okay, it's that. There's a monorail. No. Sorry. Crucially. It's about a man who travels, a flim-flam man, who travels from town to town in the American Midwest selling marching band equipment. Right, okay.

And crucially, not a monorail. Crucially not a monorail. Okay, okay. I actually, now that I think about it, don't know what his scam was. He was selling band instruments, wasn't he? Yeah, but they sold it to them. And they were there.

They were there. I mean, the scam is if anyone buys a fucking saxophone, you've been scammed. I think it's literally that. I say this as someone who owns at least two saxophones throughout his life. Now I'm thinking about it, I think it was literally like he rolled into town, gave all the kids instruments. No, no, no. Critically told them, you're going to get instruments, but pay me money in advance. And they were like, there's not going not gonna be any instruments and then there were and then

the parents were like oh fuck now my kid has a trumpet yeah that's um so he's look it doesn't sound like there's any flim flam about this man at all well i think he i think in the flim flam area was like and they'll be great oh but it's all sucked because the kid all sucked the flim flam was that we're going to give all of your kids very loud wind instruments, and you're going to really enjoy it when that happens. Anyway, Dave, let's get out of here. We make a beeline for the...

You can try, but you've used all of your actions to attack Krizak, and now it's time for the soldiers to take theirs. As climbing up onto around the mining apparatus, around the mouth of the mine, there are now four of those soldiers with crossbows, and they fire shots, one at each of you. And Bobby and Filch, you both get hit. Everyone else's shots miss and go wide.

Ah, sucked in, you stupid soldiers. Ten points of damage, Bobby, nine points of damage. Yeah, I won his hide. He sold my kid a trumpet. Flam, flam. And now it's your turn, Banknote. Banknote, but before you start, I want you to make a perception check for me. Perception! Ooh, not good. Eight.

Never mind. Okay, what do you want to do? I'm going to make a beeline for the gate. And as I do that, you know what? Fuck. It takes a long time for the banknote apparatus to turn around, remember. It's going to take you a full turn to do a 180. Are we not facing the gate? No, you were facing Krizak at the mouth of the mine. Oh, okay.

All right, then I guess I will turn 180 degrees in my turn then, Dave. That's my turn. No, it's not because that's you have... Okay, it's not. Dave, what is my turn? Please tell me what my turn is, Dave. Well, your turn is up to you, but you've got the brain inside the apparatus

that can do the things for you, so you can do something yourself if you want. Oh, while you're turning, you can do something yourself. Oh, I see. Dave was being nice. I'm trying to help. And you were rude back to him. You could shoot something or something.

I could shoot something or something. All right, let's brain it around. Is that a saying? We'll brain it around and the apparatus will turn itself and then I will skywrite the word cuck using the spell skywrite. I will delay my action until I'm attacked again, Dave. Okay, great. In that case, Bobby?

I'm going to... Can you take that perception check for me as well? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, great. In that case, Bobby? Can you take that perception check for me as well? Oh, yep, sure. That's a five. Never mind. I'm still in disguise self-mode as the sleepy soldier. Coleman, I think.

You made an attack, however, and they've all seen you attack Rizak. I was up in the tower. Make a stealth check for me if you were trying to do it from stealth. That's a 12 plus 10. 22. Okay, sure. So I'm going to

come down the guard tower and make a beeline for the gate disguised as myself. Alright, make an athletics check or acrobatics. Well, presumably I'm coming down the inside.

I'm not going to scale the outside of it. Well, that'll take longer. You can do that if you want. If you want to use the letters. I feel like it's safer considering I just rolled an eight. That's not how it's meant to work! Well, no, I mean, it would have been a

fourteen anyway, but my intention was to run down because I'm in the sky. That's fine. That's fine. Alright, you race down and luckily the inside of the tower is empty and devoid of guards as well as you make your way to the bottom. However, you just come through the door at the end of your turn.

Baston? I'm going to... Perception check. Ooh, I wonder what I perceive. Ooh, that's pretty good. 15 plus my perception. 17. All right, you think you notice something out of the corner of your eye

as you're preparing to do whatever you're about to do. Yes. And you see what looks like a black whirring shadow cover the body of Nicky. And then when you look again, his body has disappeared. Oh, that's not good. Let's get out of here, guys. Nicky, look.

Never mind. I'll explain it later. Baston is going to beat a retreat. Never mind, I'll explain it later. Baston is going to beat a retreat. So he's going to back towards the gate while staying defensive. You're going to have to run. Now that you've been here for a turn, you're going to need to run if you're going to try and keep the gate open. Okay, I'm going to use my Step of the Wind to make a dash action to get to the gate.

Okay, so with the trainings of your Kisabal masters, you race towards the door and you can see that there is one of the heavier miners is trying to lug a giant crossbeam onto the gate. Okay, can I attack him? You can try and push him off. Yeah, pose strength check. Just a pose strength. Oh, it's heaps good. 20. 20, alright.

And you knock him to the ground and the crossbeam goes wild and the gates are still open for now. Bastogne, you're standing next to them. Filge? I run towards the gates. Yep. And I try and beat that guy up who's trying to put the cross thing on.

Make an attack? Yeah, beat him up. Am I still raging? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Great, 20 and 15. Nat 20! One is a nat 20? No, nat 20 is double. Nat 20! One is a nat 20?

Nat 20 is double. Huh? Double damage. Double damage. Oh, great. Okay, so for this one, I do... A lot. 7 plus 8, 15 plus my plus 10.

25 damage. I turn him into powder. Yeah, and I rate Phil just totally dis-obliviate. Obliviate. Like he's missed. Vaporized. Well, and I rate Filch just totally obliviate. Obliviate. Like he's missed. Vaporized. Well, I'm itching. I'm scratching myself the whole time,

and I just happen to obliterate him while I'm doing that. And I'm sending way to die. And the soldiers are now starting to surround Bastogne and Filch at the gates as very slowly, I imagine beeping slightly as it backs up, the banknote apparatus completes its 180 degree turn. Beep, beep, beep. And I'm going to make a run for the

gate and get out of here. Alright. Inside the apparatus. Yes. So the apparatus charges forward with a burst of diesel and the gates splinter as you dive through the gates and you see for the first time outside the camp a raid around you under the cliff tops of the spine of the Spine of the World,

you can see what looks like about four separate discrete squads of liveried mercenaries, each of them wearing the sable and black designs of the House Strahd and standing between them with a black-robed figure with a torch in his hand in a jet black suit of armour with a proud helmet with a big plumed feather is a man with a dark grey beard

with mottled specks of white in it. Uh. And the man with the torch points at you and a man behind him blows a whistle as the squads bring their halberds down and start to advance slowly. Well, well, well.

If it isn't the dragon shits. Do we recognise this guy? He has the same BW insignia that you saw on the orders inside. Make an intelligence check if you want. Good luck. I'm holding that 20 on my intelligence check. It's probably that Commander Brightwell that Jandal was talking about. The Strides second in command here in Icewind Dale.

Commander Brightwell, I assume. Commander Brightwell, I assume. There's a camp burning behind you and you have burst out of his camp in a grab. One of his lieutenants is still trapped, his body limply being dragged behind inside your claw. I just want to set the scene for you before you do whatever small bit of subterfuge you were planning. Did you hear before what I called you the dragon shits? I mean, do you write your own material

or do you have a staff writer who's come up with that kind of genius? Yes, I have Simon. You have Simon? Simon, he's somewhere. I think he's back at the... What, Simon writes for genius. Yes. I have Simon. You have Simon? Simon, he's somewhere. I think he's back at the... What, Simon writes for you? Yes. What's his last name?

Greiner. You have a writer, a comedy writer for you called Simon Greiner and he wrote that for you. He wrote... In fact, now you can see that there is another mercenary

in the black and sable uniforms but also shorts and a blonde beard and glasses. And to play that character. Frantically scribbling in a little black moth skin, just behind the command squad of Commander Brightwell. I didn't think Simon, I didn't think Simon... Yeah.

I didn't think you'd sort of come into this. Is there something I could say? He just said, do I have a writer? I said I did. I mean, you heard it all. Watch it. It's a good... Well, first of all, it's nice to be recognised, so thank you.

Okay, that's fine. That's good. That's fine. That's good. Try Dragon Turds. Yeah, that's good. It's good. Try dragon turds. Yeah, that's good. I might expect that coming from these dragon turds. Oh, he's so good.

Turds, turds, turds. He's so good. Turds. Anyway. As I said, the guards are advancing you with halberds. In a second, they'll have you ringed. They'll have us ringed? Ringed, encircled.

I said ringed and it sounds weird. I'm going to change it before any of you... It's encircled. I will take great pleasure in ringing all of you. Encircled, trapped, like surrounded. Hmm. And what will you do with us once you have us ringed? And what will you do with us once you have us rimmed?

That gets comedy, guys. Comedy rules. Can you imagine that for months, for months, live comedy was dead in this city. And yet we said, no, coronavirus, we need to have it. We'll be here safely and we'll do it. And we need gems of water. Gems like, What will you do Once we've been rid

Fuck me I do need to Fake my death Anyway Make Make one more perception check for me That's another nat 20 Fuck

That's two in a row That is a 1 in 400 chance I should get a prize Alright you Give me a prize dad Give me a prize, Dad. Give him a prize. Do you want a block of chocolate? Prize, prize, prize, prize, prize, prize, prize.

Give me your laptop. I want your laptop. I'm not going to give you my laptop. I'm going to give you Ben's iPad. No, I need that. Don't do this. All right. You see up above the ice, you suddenly see a figure.

First of all, one head and then three other heads pop up. They're figures in big black fur coats, each of them covered in sort of heavy, heavy furs. And they're all dressed in black. And one of them sees that you can see them, banknote. And he puts his fingers, you can see even from the distance, he puts his fingers to his lips as the other two pull out large long bows. Ah yes, the essential sign for rimming.

So these figures are behind Brightwell and Simon. Michael, are you okay? Sorry. That was the last we saw of Michael Hing. You know, I wouldn't believe that he was gone if I hadn't seen the body go off the waterfall myself.

Anyway, have you seen this viral comedian coming out of China right now? Sorry, Dave. I see the person who... So to reiterate, there are what looks like four figures, two of them snipers, standing up on the clifftop behind Brightwell. He hasn't spotted them. They see that you see them, and the lead one puts his fingers to his lips.

Ah, yes. Yes, you're right. I am the dragon turd. I'm the biggest dragon turd you've ever dealt with. Brightwell, you'll try to shoot me out, but I'll get stuck, and then you'll have to ask someone for help, and they'll have to try and pick me out with...

Simon, Simon. Sir, try this. I'll wipe you off the face of the earth. I'll wipe you off the face of my butt. That's not what I said. Little improv there, Simon. Little improv. We're riffing, Simon.

We're riffing. I've never felt so alive. Yes, and. And as he says that, as he says that, yes, and, yes, and, yes, and, two arrows fly out like silver daggers in the night and pincushion his helmet as he falls to the knees. And the last thing that he ever remembers or thinks about is the joys of first-level improv.

Won't that be a cautionary tale to anyone hearingys of first-level improv. Won't that be a cautionary tale to anyone hearing this? Don't learn improv. As he does this, another one of the figures rises and puts a horn to his lips and gives out a long, low note, in a register almost so low that you can't hear it. There is a rumble. Is it so low that it makes everyone shiver themselves, Dave? It makes an avalanche and snow pours down from the spine of the world

and cutting off the squads on either side of them as it comes around the jutting out edifice of the rock face that Brightwell was standing behind. And part of that rock moves aside and you see a fifth figure in a grey cloak say quickly, now, while they're distracted by the snow. Secret passage, awesome! Okay, but don't shout secret passage! Secret passage, awesome!

As the dragon prince make their way into that secret passageway where they see a figure also in the black cloaks that could only be a senior ranger of the Nightclaws of the Vulcan Pact, that coterie of rangers that you once swore allegiance to, Bobby Pancakes, and to play that Nightclaw ranger, the Grand Hunter himself, wisest, bravest, and first of the Nightclaws. Please welcome to the stage, Tom Walker! Tom! I genuinely thought we were chanting cock

I was chanting Tom but Hello cock Now this is a trick I can't answer back Tom you are playing Grand Hunter Jacob Undercourt. Yes. Is that right? Jacob Undercourt, yes.

So he is the first ranger of the Nightclaw Rangers, the rangers that protect the Wolfen people, the werewolves who are in war and constant battle with the vampires of Strahd. Yes, indeed. And he has been sent to Icewind Dale because all of the Nightclaws are being brought back to the village because Madam Drazkov, the leader of the village,

has had a vision and she needs to recall all the Nightclaws. So you've been sent to get Nikki and to get Bobby. Nikki, you saw the fight.

One of your rangers has already taken Nikki's body. Unfortunately, there's nothing they could do for him. And you have now managed to lead

the dragon friends through the ice into the spine of the world. So, you like my secret passage? Very, very much so. What we've seen of it so far, very, very good. Wonderful. It's much like this as it continues on. Well, that's good news.

You do it. I know. Dark, cold, slightly damp. All the best passage qualities. No, but I think for me the best thing about it was, I mean, yes, all of those things you could say about a passage. But a secret passage has to be hard to find. And when it appeared, I didn't see that coming. Yeah.

I mean, it's a reveal. It's all in the reveal. It's all in the reveal, a secret passage. It's all in the surprise, the passage. Basically, passages are all about surprise. There's a space and then there's a surprise. I hate to... Sorry, I know that sometimes when you dissect a passage,

it kills the passage. Yeah, I mean, even now you say it, I just think, oh, yeah. Yeah, I was really enjoying it, but now we've kind of killed the magic, haven't we? Yeah. Me can see the work you put into it now. Let's continue walking in silence then. As Undercourt shepherds you through as well, he heaves with his muscles and pushes a boulder over the archway.

How big are these muscles? How big are these muscles? Fucking huge. Oh, yeah. Do you want to describe the character? Yeah. You know the Netflix TV show The Witcher, which Ben tried to get his wife to watch by describing it as historical?

I said it was historical fiction. Isn't the first scene of that... I thought I'd have more time, to be honest. It is him killing a big monster. In a swamp, yeah. I thought we'd see some, to be honest. It is him killing a big monster. In a swamp, yeah. I thought we'd see some like, you know, I thought we'd get like maybe 20 minutes of just the non-magical side of fantasy crap. Like, oh, the king's mean.

Immediately you were like, oh, that's industry he's killing. I was like, dream sequences, right? Yeah, so basically Geralt from The Witcher, but take that hair grey make a black baby okay and also he's a werewolf

so he has big sideburns can we give him real big calves maybe just like one muscle that's real big and everything else is regular muscle

no we can amp up the calves we can definitely amp up the calves but it's gotta be within scale it's important to you he's not

he's handsome what muscle does he work out the most yeah what's his vertical jump the brain yeah calves. We can definitely amp up the calves. But it's got to be within scale. It's important to you that it's not... He's handsome. What muscle does he work out the most? The brain! Yes, that's right. The brain. I want the calves so big that the pants are loose on the thigh. Yeah, like flares. He has to wear flares. Yeah, right. Whenever he's wearing shorts, he looks

like a triangle. Yeah. He's a ranger, a level eight ranger, and you probably cast Pass Without Trace, I imagine, as you take them through the tunnels, which go deep under the spine of the world, taking you back south towards the Svalage Woods. Oh, wow.

Did you dig this yourself? Me, no, but I'm not above taking advantage of it. What's happening to my voice? It's kind of growly, I'm into it, it's kind of cool Well, that's good, because you'll be hearing more of it as we go on Are you putting it on, or is it the real thing? No, this is the real thing I went through puberty once, and then cool puberty after

What happens in, I mean, does just your voice change in cool puberty? No, no, you grow an extra sword What just your voice change in cool puberty? No, no. You grow an extra sword. What happens to your dick during cool puberty? Oh, you wouldn't freaking believe. You think it'd get bigger, but in fact it curls back in on itself and then out. So it ends up thicker, but... Am I making sense here?

No. No, I get it. It's sort of a double-layered penis. This guy gets it. Yes. If you imagine... If you imagine sort of a Twinkie that you push inside out, but then fold it over itself,

that's what you're talking about, right? I don't know what a Twinkie is, but the mechanics seem sound. Like a curly-whirly? Wait, give me a second. He yanks his pants open. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looks like one of those mole rats you see on Twitter sometimes. Anyway, sorry. I feel like I've ruined the vibe. So you guys are both wolves? Do you guys know each other? I believe you were part of my order. That's correct. Bobby, wasn't it?

That's right. Have, wasn't it? That's right. Have I met him before? No, so you know the legend of Jacob Undercourt. When you were taking your youngling trials to become part of the Wolfen, he would have been out doing all kinds of heroic missions. Did he maybe have posters of him on his little wall? I've got his card, his baseball card in my wallet. He's sort of a big deal.

Right. A mythic hero of the Vulcan. But of course, you and I can't get too attached. What with, well, you know. No, of course, but if you'd like to hang some time, maybe just grab a beer. That'd be cool. Anytime.

Anytime. And he claps him on the back. I'll never watch this back again. Another one of your second in command in your nightclaw, Clawpack, which is a fulfin called Corina, appears with a torch and she's like, We've taken Lanston's body the rest

will meet you at the village good his body is what he is now because he's dead yep how inspiring

and she's up on another sort of level where the caves open up okay I tilt my head back so I can see her. Eye contact, thank you.

So much more respectful. Anyway, that's all I had to say. This is the sole function of my character, so I'll see you back at the lodge. I'll see you back there. Give us one little detail about it, a flesh around.

Oh, okay. Karina is the squad. She's got long, tangled sort of dreads of silver hair. She has a very powerful gaunt face. She's a dream singer, which means that she's one of Drazkov's. She has the sight, but she only has a nascent form of the sight. And she dreamed the existence of these caves, which is how he got into Icewind Dale.

Is that enough fucking world building for you? Technically, it doesn't pass the Bechdel test until she has a conversation with another female character that isn't about a man in this story. Jiraya and Karina's half-sister, Jiraya. Hey, girl. See any cute boys? Dave, these are very clumsy characters.

Look at her big boobies. Dave, she has big boobies? Come on, Dave. Dave, come on. Also, I don't know the exact rules of the Bechdel test, but if one of them is being played by a straight cis white man, I don't know if it fully counts. Anyway, I'm going to go have a bubble bath

and think about my boyfriend. This is so disappointing, Dave. I cannot believe you wrote this character sheet for me. This is demeaning. It says specifically... What does it say there? Her race is woman and she has minus four to intelligence? I can't believe it.

Say! Oh, my God. Her alignment is to her husband? None of this looks good. I mean, this doesn't even make sense. Next to speed, you've just written big anime boobs. You've just written the words big anime boobs and then it's next to speed.

You could have at least drawn them, Dave. She has a buff here that is just bee shopping. Dave. Dave. Dave. Karina, Dream Singer Karina ducks back to the rest of the squad that as his second in command, she has full autonomy and authority of leading while her sister Jariah takes a wrong turn somewhere on the cave's back

and falls down an avalanche and dies. We will not hear... Are they her final words? Excellent. The death of a true hero. We will not see her kind on these stories again. Wow. I can't believe you killed that girl.

Wow, Dave. Wow. She was just beginning on her journey. Yeah. Okay. Where do these tunnels even go? They return to our lodge. You will find some haven there. And we can talk about what is to be done

against the Dread Vampire Strahd. So the lodge you know of, Bobby, it's nestled in the cleft of the Baratok slopes and it is the village where the Vulcan, the first hunting lodge where their order started. The Vulcan, of course, were basically a fraternal lodge of hunters that came out of the first hunter who killed Strahd a thousand years ago. Fraternal was it, Dave?

And a sorority. All right, so the fraternal part would have the sorority over or what, Dave? Do they have a wet tunic contest or what? What's happening here? Can we please stop this train of thought and this line of interrogation before I have to change my Twitter avatar to a black square and just get it over with. We've all had a lot of fun cancelling Dave.

And this lodge, is it full of other people? The lodge is full of wolfen. Yeah? Yep. There's lots of characters there. Yes, in fact, it's the only wolfen village. The wolfen who have been scorned by the Barovians, had to disappear into the woods where they have lived.

And almost no one knows where the lodge exists. Its existence is a secret known only to a precious few, including you, Bobby. Yeah. And, of course, you. And me. Jacob. Your boss.

And gladly, my boss. Good. So, what's the plan? The plan? I mean, we're raring to go. We've got the chest of... You have a chest with three small shards of spellstone in it. Yeah.

Not a huge amount. You know, enough for a bracelet maybe. A bracelet? All right. At any rate, we have some Shardalyn here, some spellstone, raw spellstone, and it could come into some use. So if there's any big meetings or whatever, we should probably be a part of it because this is what we're bringing to the table, lots of intel, et cetera.

Certainly. You will be part of every meeting we have leading up to the actualisation of the dream. Do I know what the dream is? Yeah, you might be referring to the grey dream, which is the prophecies that all nightclubs have. We can talk of this later

at the lodge. You're going to love it there. I know, I've been there. Oh, right, of course. Wait, Bobby, wasn't it? Crushing. Let's go. Right, you make your way and you travel

through the night into the early morning and the sun is just starting to come up over the Balinox as you emerge from a cave nestled in the Svalich Woods and find yourselves once again in Old Barovia. Who's that? Huh, that's the sun.

Just kidding, a little joke I like to do. Do you write your own material or do you have someone who helps you with it? I paid for a bunch of these things in bulk and I just get as much use out of them as I can. Hence the dawn joke. So that one, you know, you can use pretty much at least once a day. But with this magic

stuff, maybe more. Don't know if you've noticed, but our universe is crazy. It's only been, obviously it was only three years, but you've surprised yourself, Bobby, in how much you feel home when you're back in the Swarovski woods. It seems like Waterdeep

now seems more like something distant to an older version of yourself. This is where you belong. As you make your way through the woods, you realize that you are near the Baratok slopes, which means that you are near the lodge. And indeed, after an hour, as the sun starts to truly reach its zenith, you see the small village of maybe 80 vulvan it's a very tiny community um that is called the lodge good to be back in barovia hey oh yeah how does this best don't have a sense of where he is like yeah best on you've never been here you you you've you don't know the vulvan were a legend

in barovia but of course you've never met them. Smells like home. Well, no, it smells like my home. All of this is terrifying to you. In fact, probably, Bastogne, when you were a very small boy, they probably scared you with stories of the Wolfen who would come and steal you. This is a realisation of every nightmare you had as a child. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I did not realise this would be as triggering as it is right now. Oh boy, I'm just going to be hanging at the back. Nobody look at me. Bobby just goes to stand with Bastogne and holds his hand.

Thank you. Thanks. Just gives it a little squeeze. Thank you. So, make yourself at home here as much as you can. Especially the one

who is very scared of me. Hey, you! Oh, God! Oh, God! Sorry, that was just me checking that it was him. As Jacob says, there's two junior younglings come and one takes his cloak and one passes him some trail rations and a jug of cider.

Thank you for the cider, Andrew. Oh, my lord. Can I just say that you're looking very sleek and you've been taking your multivitamins? Yes. I'm glad it's showing on the outside as it is on the inside. And he claps them on the back.

He does a lot of clapping on the back, this character. Andrew scurries away. As you're now standing outside, Madame Dresco's sort of yurt, I suppose. She has a kind of a central tent in the lodge. So, Bobby, shall we talk? Yeah, is this just a Wolfen thing, or...? Claw to claw seems like the way to me,

but if your friends are friends indeed, then I'm sure we wouldn't mind if they sat in. Or stood in, even. I don't know what our chair situation is. I think we had an order in for some bean bags. But I don't know. To me, they always seem a little more casual than I'd like.

So for me, a pleasant stand. And then, locking my arms behind my back in a cool way. Yeah, they'll all come in. Oh, okay. Oh, cool! Bean bags! Phil runs through.

Immediately pops the beanbag by trying to pancake it. Filch dives through the sort of beaded entrance of the yurt and a whole bunch of aromatic smoke escapes from the yurt for a second as Filch billows in and dives onto a beanbag before her eyes adjust until she realises that she's lying on what is obviously the bed of a very old-looking Wolfen woman who is looking up. She's making a kind of necklace or she's weaving something by a fire that is central to the tent.

Oh, sorry about your bed. Never mind. Wait, what? Um, he about your bed. Never mind. Wait, what? I'm exploded it. Sorry about it. What you doing? When we all follow, I guess. And she's like leaning on the bed like this.

Got her hands, her chin cupped in her hands. She's lying on her front. You can park your apparatus outside, by the way, Banknote. I assume you're coming in with everyone? Yeah, I'm going to spend this time ransacking Grizzak's body and attaching the crossbow to the apparatus. You know what? I said that the body was entangled in the claws.

So, yeah, it's a siege bow. So, okay, if you want to miss this scene. Is Hing doing the equivalent of, like, taping a gun to a bike? Oh, there's some strings as well. I'll be able to fire it. All right. Ping, ping, ping. Okay, so you want to take a siege gun, essentially,

a double-barreled siege bow, and you want to make it so you can fire it from your seat at the top of the apparatus? Yeah, I'll add some lever triggers to the apparatus. So maybe one of them instead. Do I have to replace one of these? Do you think this looks cool? Or do you think it looks like Mr Bean driving a car from the roof of a car?

It's definitely Mr Bean. In Hing's mind, it's like Tony Stark in the first Iron Man. Who's like jerry-rigged. But you're 100% right that it's Mr Bean. So Dave, I imagine you want me to give up something for this thing. So I will give up my ability to turn to the left. I'm willing to sacrifice that, Dave. That's fair, because there are only five levers.

I'll still be able to turn 90 degrees to the right, but I won't turn to the left anymore. And instead, if I try to turn to the left, I'll just shoot a siege crossbow. Yeah, if you forget and you try to turn to the left, it will just... Just like in Zoolander. You will empty a clip.

Come in, come in, my little chickadees. What is this voice? What is this? It's the voice that I'm doing now. Okay. Come in, come in, my little chickadees. What is this voice? What is this? It's the voice that I'm doing now. Okay. Don't eat me. You are so funny and tender.

Why would you don't say that? It's a little joke that we have. Did you see what this one did to my bed? Oh, it looks like she fucked it. What? Broke it, broke it. I meant to say she jumped on all the legs of the bed. Can I offer you something to calm yourself down? I'll take a chamomile.

Oh, here. I've got it right here. Ah! Ah! There was never any chamomile. That didn't help at all. Now listen to me, little one. I see in your... I just went outside.

I'm going to go outside and look at the sky. Okay, bye, everyone. Okay, well, good. The sun just runs out of the tent. That was so much fun. Anyway, grave tidings. I have been informed about the death of Nicky. He was like a grandson to me,

which is why I can only apologise for the jauntiness with which I greeted you. I had a whole thing prepared where I would say sad tidings, but then she came in and she smushed the bed and the man with the moustache was so frightened. Ah, what are you going to do? Everybody grieves in their own way. Yes, exactly.

Poppy! Madame Draskov. Good to see you. Welcome home. Thank you. It's good to be home. Me Filch. Hello Filch.

You looking for a new grandson? Me heard you're missing a grandson if you're looking for someone to fill that spot. What do you got? I can write a little trike and I can play with a stick and a rock. Cool.

You did meet Nicky Landston. Oh no, I was just talking about grandson stuff. Well, why don't we revisit that? Okay. Okay. Listen. Did you manage to extract the

materials? Mm-hmm. We offer the small box. You bring it, okay, so you take out the small lockbox and she looks at it and she holds up to the fire and it gleams sort of silver and purple. The three shards of Shardalin that have cost you so much to get.

These are a forgery. I'm kidding. It's fine. They're good. No, someone died. No, it's a classic bit. It's a good bit. But these are good.

These are powerful. With this we can do much. Nikki, she says, he told you of his great dream, yes? He did. He would find something under the snow that could kill Strahd. These shards are what he died for, and that was his dream, and he has fulfilled his promise to our people at the mention of

grey dreams Jacob kind of goes yes what oh nothing just when you think of grey dreams there's I mean there's it makes you think of your own, there's... I mean, there's...

It makes you think of your own, you know. And it's humbling to have one such as mine. No. Well. You mean, usually people don't talk about their grey dreams, but sure, if you're gonna... I mean, you're all in it with me, you know. We're all in this. My gray dream.

The Dark Lord has returned, and the world shall suffer. None can stop him until one rises against him. The one who shall kill Strahd shall strike him down face to face. They will have traveled from distant lands to face him. They shall stand with heart of glass and sword of stone. They will strike and stride will die and they shall die also and none will learn their name and so will Faerun be saved. That's my great dream.

What? That's the one I had. No. Are you just cherry picking everyone's like- Shut the fuck up. That's- Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I'm not. You shut the fuck up when? Never.

When did you have your fucking grey dream? When I was a young blood and I was blooded and Madame Draskov gave me the... What fucking year cunt? I'm looking for time stamps here. Three years ago? Two years ago. Two years ago, yeah. Two years ago?

Oh, for God damn it! No! No! Madame Dreskov is, like, interesting. And you think, Bobby... This can't be right. You think, Bobby... This can't be right, right?

That you are the one that it says with a heart of glass? No, it's me. I'm sensitive. I just... Open my shirt. And go... Tink, tink, tink. What the fuck? The visions are complex and things can happen between.

You are still... No. No, don't be like that. It doesn't mean anything. It means everything. Tink, tink, tink. We know. I'm so happy about this. that it doesn't mean anything it means everything think I think I didn't we know I mean I just I did I'd feel like I've just done a lot for the drink oh man okay do you want to know why I called you all back here? Is it to tell us about your boyfriend? Cause girl, we're listening.

Oh my God. It is of the matter of much urgency. I don't know about grey dream, but it sounds like you had a wet dream. I like this one. Yeah. She can be my girl daughter. My granddaughter. I'm old.

So there was that. But also. And while she says this She's taken the shards And she's fiddling with them With the thing that she's weaving Very, very quick, dexterous old fingers at work So I have little spies here and there

And they tell me all sorts of little tidbits You know, sometimes they say Oh, that rock And I say, is that that it and they say yes and I say well that was not worth waking me up for you know but sometimes they tell me grave tidings. Does the name Great Heart Banknote mean

anything to anyone here? Go! Spill the tea. Dirt it ever. We have found the famous leader of the resistance. He currently dwells not far from here.

Locked under lock and key from the vampire stride. Wait, who locked him up? Wait, what I just said? He's locked under from? What? Your grammar was unclear. You were unclear! And then he bonks herber was unclear. You were unclear. And then he bonks her on the head.

Ow. With a cushion. Strahd has him kept in his dungeon. Oh. That's what I was saying. Yeah, not clear. Okay, well is it clear now for you? Okay, good.

Whack! I can offer you the support of my finest fighters and, of course, the help of Undercourt. And this, what? No, nothing. Are you going to be a little bitch? Just found out that my prophecy got taken. I don't know, man. Well, you know what?

You know, I don't like this man. Well, you know what? You know, I don't like this attitude. What attitude? I just got fired from a prophecy. You did not get fired. I've tried my whole life to be a hero. Jacob, my darling chickadee. We do not know what the fates have in store for us. Whomp!

And she whomps. I'm filled. Like that. Surprise. Blah! This lady's scary. Go help them on this mission and maybe you will see. Maybe you will find you are destined for something greater than you even imagined.

Or not! Who knows? I'm just a crazy old lady. But I can give you fighters and I can give you provisions and I can give you... And as she says this, she takes Bobby's hand and she holds it clasped in her own hands. And I can give you this. And she holds out a weapon that she has crafted out of the... Somehow, while she was doing all of this, she was weaving, as I said, and she pulls out a brilliant, wicked-looking single crossbow bolt.

And she has fashioned the three shards tied together with a lock of her own hair into a jagged quarrel. And it's a single arrow of spellstone. Now, Dave had a pretty cool name for this, but I forgot it. So take with you Pointy Steve. Take with you Pointy Steve. Was that it, Dave? Was it Pointy Steve? It gives a shit.

Definitely wasn't Pointy Stephanie. But know that these shards came at a great cost You will know the time to strike when you see Shroud But don't go before and do not go after I mean, I don't want to tell you what to do But there's three shards Why did we put it all on one arrow? Oh, did you take a course in arrow making?

Did you do that down at the local fantasy tavern? Yeah, because if you didn't, then there is another hero that did, and he's standing right here, just in case any prophecies are listening. It's just logistic. And Jacob, like, grasps, trying to grab the arrow out of your hand. It's honestly much harder than you'd think. It needs the power of all three. Just asking.

Okay, well, I'm just answering. Thank you. Okay, I appreciate it. You never know if you never ask. It's a functional thing, Simon. There's not enough weight there to make anything more than about one arrowhead. So, do you need anything else from me? Or are you ready to rescue a hero and slay a villain?

I mean, our friends are out. What? Our friends are kind of doing stuff. Okay, well, you can fill them in. Yeah, we'll fill them in. Okay, well, that's something you can do. Yeah, pretty much you said fighters, food, weapons. You've got the weapon. What do you want?

I don't know, just what have you got? Um, a gun? Hello, could I please have... I was listening at the door and I heard there was talk of a gun. Who are you? Oh, hello, my name is Lion Shield. Backnote. Why did you pause halfway through your own name

I don't know sometimes I forget what my name is Lion Shield Lion Shield back note as in the son of the hero well yeah I guess you could say I'm the son of a hero I mean I think of myself as a hero in my own right

of course we are indeed honoured here oh as are am I myself as a hero in my own right, of course. We are indeed honored here. As are am I. So am I. Are you sure you're the son of... What do you mean? You have a kind of Chet Hanks vibe.

Do you want to hear me rap in an offensive patois? Sure. No, I'm not going to do it anyway. Lion Shield. Yes? Your daddy, he's alive. Of course you'd know where he is.

Sorry. Don't be like that. Sorry, sorry. Don't be like that. If we're going to work as a family, we will not tolerate you talking to me like that. Sorry, Phil. Sorry, sorry.

We're going to go and get your father and we'll come straight back home and I'll have none of that cheek. Sorry, I'm sorry. Activated step-mom mode. And as a slightly reticent banknote... Oh, it's weird that Dave's written that on your character sheet. Steps back, it seems

that the plot has never been simpler than this. Find the hero, slay the monster, break into the castle and save the world. Such is the story of a true champion, a hero of the people. One who might be remembered for all times as the one that saved the world from the monster stride. And perhaps that one may yet be one of these fateful four these champions that have traveled so far and so long in pursuit of whatever muddled form of righteousness that they can find but let us be sure of one thing that hero will not be jacob undercourt thank you The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hinn. And Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins,

and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Our special guest this week was Tom Walker. Shakira Khan designs our website, the podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded live at the vanguard in sydney until next time Wait, thank God He runs his papa's company The Dark Lord's tribe Is a very naughty man Finally together The life of hope we call The Dragon Friends I'm sure I've talked about it on the podcast before

About my desire to thank my own death And move to somewhere else Yeah, I want to do that more than anything Like, I love my life But fucking hell If I could have a different one so I was googling that and then um I was uh sort of sprung uh by uh my girlfriend and she was like what are you doing and I was like oh just um working out how to fake my own death and move

and um and then we got into a sort of a I wouldn't say a fight but certainly a frank discussion about my um the possibility that I would leave at any time to move to China and anyway, whatever. I guess the broad strokes is, if you ever see me taking Mandarin classes you know that something's gone wrong and I'm about to go. Do you think one of the introduction

to faking your own death things is don't sort of talk about it in any kind of recorded medium or in public? Here's the thing, though. If I do die, you'll never know. You know what I mean? And in that way, I'll live on in your hearts and minds forever, and that's the immortality I dream of.

You'll be the phantom of the comedy scene. Yes, yes. If you fake your own death and you move to China to become a farmer or whatever... Or a comedian, sure. A very famous and successful Chinese comedian, yes. Wait. You could do that without faking your death.

Why don't you just get better at comedy?