Dragon Friends - #6.18. Heebied His Jeebies with Tom Walker

Episode Date: October 29, 2020

Armed with a secret weapon and the element of surprise, The Dragon Friends are ready to take the fight to Strahd and rescue Greatheart Banknote. Can The Dragon Friends overcome their oldest enemy in time to prevent him amassing yet another army? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It would be like, imagine if you got COVID at this show. Wouldn't be worth it. He runs his papa's company Dark lost tribes A very naughty man Finally together The life of hope we call The Dragon Thread Nestled in the cleft of the Balinok Mountains Is one village you will not find on a map For it is lost to time And the secret practices of the Vulcan Host

A idiosyncratic collection of rangers, soothsayers and werewolves under the auspicious command of one Madame Drasko for years, for a century even, for a thousand years. In fact, the Vulcan have waged war most secret with the vampires of Strahd von Zarovich, have waged war most secret with the vampires of Strahd von Zarovich. And only now are they risking all as Strahd reaches the apex of his plans most sinister. Madame Drasko, you met last night and she gave you a powerful weapon, one that she believes will be used to kill Strahd.

You also met that mythic hero, Jacob Undercourt, a man currently going through a little bit of soul-searching. Yes. Yeah, things have changed. You have your mission, you have your plan, and with a night of sleep and a hearty meal inside you, you are all back to full hit points, spell slots, etc., etc. And bank note, you have finished the experimentation necessary to add a siege bow to your apparatus.

Now, a siege bow, is that in the D&D manual? Is that a ballista? It's just a D12 plus 4. D12 plus 4 damage? It's not plus 6 on attack and then 3D10 piercing damage? No, it's absolutely not. I don't know where you saw that. I looked up siege bow and then it came up with ballista.

Right, a ballista is a war machine that you use on a wagon that like six horses ride. This was a gun that an ogre was using. No, but it was double barreled, so it was a double attack then? It is a double attack. Okay, cool. Alright, and so... And is it a crossbow? It's two crossbows, yeah.

A siege bow. Are you asking if your bolt would fit in there? Yeah, like is it... No, no, this is... It has custom high-gauge ammunition. All right. And so, with food in your belly, sleep in your faces, and all of the numbers, the incremental bonuses to numbers that just fills Michael Hing's heart with glee, you meet once again

in the morning, in the cold Barovian dawn for a final briefing with Madam Drasco. Welcome, welcome back. Did you all get... I don't speak common very well but sleep in your faces. It's not my first language, you know, so that's

why I say things like sleep in your faces. It's not right. No. It's absolutely not right. But you understand. I understand. The meaning is conveyed. Okay. Listen. I wanted to talk to you before you go

because I think it's important that you know what is at stake here. Are you on your phone? I'm sorry. I'm looking up crossbow mechanics. Are you on your fantasy? I'm sorry, I'm looking up crossbow mechanics. Are you on your fantasy phone? Yes, I'm sorry. Listen, I know for you, you have a thing with this Strahd guy.

Big time. Yeah, so do we. I was going to say, she does for a thousand years, famously. Very much so. But I want you to know this is not just an eye for an eye. A thousand years, famously. Very much so. But I want you to know this is not just an eye for an eye.

What, if what Nicky told me is true, and if what Jacob reports is true, which I have no reason to doubt, he is bringing back the Nethereese army up in Icewind Dale. And I don't need to tell you. Or maybe I do. Blah! Oh, God. Oh, God. I just saw you there. I didn't think he was there, but he was. I wonder if it would work if me do it. Okay, God. Oh, God. I just saw you there. I didn't think he was there, but he was.

I wonder if it'd work if me do it. Okay, go. Hey, Baston, do you mind getting me a... Oh, he's got the jeepies. He's got it. We've heaping these jeepies. I'm quite on edge. Anyway, dire tidings.

Should he, with the apparatus that he has up in Icewind Dale, bring back the army, the dread revenant army of the Netherese, and it falls under his control, he can wipe out the entire world and maybe worlds beyond. So that's kind of why I'm saying let's get a move on, kill him. At this point, Jacob Undercourt enters looking like he hasn't had a full night of sleep in his face. He enters moodily and he tries to slam the flap of the tent behind him. Just beads.

Sorry I'm late. I'm here now. Whatever that matters. I said six. Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm sorry. He's still got a coffee, though. So you had time to... What? Yeah. No, that's... If your heart isn't in it anymore...

No, so what's Bobby gonna do? I was talking to everybody and I was hoping that you could be part of it. Sure, yeah, no, I'd love to be part of it. Okay, well I can see that you could be part of it. Sure, yeah, no, I'd love to be part of it. Okay, well, I can see that you haven't got enough sleep in your face and that perhaps we should just leave it there, okay? So have a nice time. Oh, before I forget, I have a guide for you.

One of my little spies. He has a map that will take you where you need to be. He's not the guy who's going to tell us if there's a rock? Now I parted ways with him. I didn't like fire him I just stopped giving him shifts. Anyway he should be here any

moment. So she's explained to you and just to recap that 1000 years ago the Netherese conquered all of Faerun and they did that with a giant army of essentially robots of warforged called the Revenant Host. And this army was buried with Old High Netheril under the snow of Icewind Dale. What she and indeed the Wolfen believe

is that Strahd is using those monoliths that you saw to raise and summon that army back. With it at his side, he could conquer everything. This world, the Nine Known Worlds, who knows? Banknote's going to take Jake off his side. Okay. Hey, man. Hello.

Hello. Yes, what is it? I just, I think I know what you're going through How could you possibly know what I'm going through? I spent several years building up my father's company Thinking that I could achieve something and then it was all I had a wife I had a wife, one day she said to me

If you keep staying late at the duel fighting factory to learn how to use those two swords at the same time, that I don't know that I'll be here when you get back. And I said, well, babe, I know, but the prophecy is that I'm the one to do it. So I have to put everything into this. And I let her fall by the wayside. So I had friends from Wolfen Club or whatever it is that I'm a part of. Friends from high school. I fell out of touch with them.

I found out one of them died just a week ago. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with that. I thought it was all worth it because I was going to be the guy. I had a grey dream. And now, I got, yeah, no. I had a grey dream. Yeah. And now, I got fucking nothing, man. So, I mean, is your wife single now, or what are we...

Hello, everybody! And in walks with a small plate of bacon and eggs is the figure of Bobson Dugnut. Hello! Heard you needed a guide! Bobson is, of course, your goblin friend that you last saw in Daggerford. Bobson!

Hello! I got summoned up here! Any barbecue sauce on there? Oh, you know it, Filgy Welgy! Yeah! What? And it's changed your tastegy. Yeah. What? Oh. And it's changed your taste.

Tomato only. Now? Yes. Oh. Well, I didn't know that. Do you want me to? Yeah. We've still got to get on the road.

I'll have them. Okay, well, there you go. Not like I need to count my calories for anything anymore. Oh, you're the hungry boy. Hi, I'm Bob's and Dug Dug. Hey, what's up? Yeah, Madam Draskov. We kind of go way back because he's a hungry boy. Hi, I'm Bob's and Doug's dad. Hey, what's up? Yeah, Madam Draskov. We kind of go way back because it's the

resistance thing. Anyway, she called me up here. You need a guide. I know my way around in bloody wood or two. Sort of. Does he?

Why? Yeah, why? Because I'm naturally very good at this. How long have you been on this planet? Couple of years. He's got a good at this. How long have you been on this planet? A couple of years. He's got a thick textbook about, like, orienteering 101

and a map that he unfolded and his now is incapable of folding back up again. OK, I'll give you an example. Look. That rock. Yeah. Now, I know this might not seem convincing But he was taught by our best spy Anyway

Everybody gone to the toilet? We're gonna go Rescue your dad Hello Kill an arch lich So has everybody gone to the toilet? Oh, actually, me should go. Okay.

Me didn't need to go, but then when you said the words, me needed to go. That's why I say it. So off I go. Off you go. I'm going to hold on to mine. No, Bobby Pancake. So I can piss on his grave. See, that's the kind of...

Just kidding, I really need to go. Okay, well, you go and do a wee. Oh, I'm just going to do it while I walk, because who the fuck cares? Well, I don't know you very well, but that doesn't seem very good. Whatever. Now, Bobson has been given a map, as I said,

by Madame Draskov, and it has access to a secret passageway. Yes, yes. It just gives incredible insight into what Tom would be like if he ever lost a big opportunity. Like, it's not just like, get back on the horse and try again. It's immediately, no, I'm going to piss while walking. Thank God we'll never find out.

Man, the six months. I was wondering why you were doing that the six months after Whose Line got cancelled. Hey, hey, hey, you can come back in, man. Today Hing was messaging me just asking me to recount my failures. It sucked so bad. Hey, you don't have any failures. You're Australia's most successful American truck simulator streamer.

Let me level with you, Dave. If you've got a Twitch account, you're already a failure. most successful American truck simulator streamer. Let me level with you, Dave. If you've got a Twitch account, you're already a failure. All right. Has everybody done their wheeze and poos and come? A dad who's like, all right, before we go for the walk, everyone be sure to jerk off. I don't want to have to stop so you can have a wank.

You've got to have a wank. Have a wank right now. You're doing good, son. Get the cum out. Get it all out. Dad, can we pull over? I've got to cum. No, that's what I said. I'm going to hang on to mine.

I'm not going to interrogate that. We're making terrific time. Quick, use a Fanta bottle. No! No! All right. Check, check, check. All done. All done. Hey, check, check. All done. All done.

Hey, uh, Bobson, give me a look at that map, will you? You know, well, you can look over my shoulder because I've been told that it's very important that I hold the map. Alright, you're Scoutmaster. What, does Baston have a sense looking at the map? Because he knows Old Barovia, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are we going? Back to the castle? So, this map leads to a point at the map? Because he knows Old Barovia, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are we going? Back to the castle?

So this map leads to a point at the foot of the Balinox, those treacherous cliffs that Castle Ravenloft sits on. And it seems to suggest that there is a secret passageway that leads through the Balinox into the dungeon level below Castle Ravenloft. Oh, classic. Fuck. And this map, the only reason that Madame Drasko had this map,

it's been drawn by one of her dream singers. So using the sight, the Wolfen have assembled this map. Dudes, I know I put on a pretty brave face a lot of the time. And let me tell you, coming back home here to the site of maybe our greatest victory, it's really made me think about the fact that really we could die at any minute. And I'm pretty afraid of that happening now. So I just want to maybe get everyone together for like a group hug.

And just want to hug everyone. Can we just come in for a little huddle? Is that okay? A huggle? A huggle? A dragon huggle? Dragon huggle. Come on, you come in too, Grumpy.

I'll be sitting this one out, I think. Come on. I'll come in, you big sack of shit. Bring those big calves in. No, fine. I see over there. I put my arm around Banknote and bring him in. What is it, like a deception check, Dave?

What do I do? Make a deception check to... To hug convincingly? Nine? Okay, if anything, he shies from the touch, Filch. Are your eyes watering, Alex? Me, Alex? Yeah.

No. You look like you're crying. I'm not crying. You look like you're feeling something. Touch my eyes. I'm not trying shit. Okay, guys. Okay, well, that was nice.

That was nice. Touch my fucking eyes. Touch my eyes, I'm not crying shit. If Alex ever tears up on this stage, you're all dead. No, because I've come perilously close to doing it before and I'm not doing it right now. All right, team. Before we go, have you got pointy Steve?

Yes, I've got pointy Steve. All right. Just so I know, how are you carrying pointy Steve? Stirring it up his fucking ass. I guess I... It looks quite fragile. Yeah, I've got it sort of rolled up in a... Is it like a metal...

Like in a scabbard or something? You could wrap it in a piece of leather and tie it up and put it in like your shirt, but that means also that it's going to take more time to get it out. Oh. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Okay, so you're really being protective of it. Yeah, I think so.

Okay, so you're doing exactly what I said, holding it inside your shirt. Yep. And Madame Draskov provides you all with some hardy Barovian horses and even one to pull the wagon for your apparatus as you make your way up the winding old Svalich road that leads to Castle Ravenloft, that castle where three years ago you killed a vampire

and saved a land from darkness. Is it really only three years? And it is something that is immediately evident as you clatter your way up the old Svalich Road and you see for the first time Castle Ravenloft is that the entire west wing of the castle where last you saw Strahd has been destroyed as if by an explosion on the third floor.

You very much left your mark on the building when you fought him last. Whoa, we're awesome. Wait, you're telling me you guys did this? Did we? Yeah. Just the three of you? No, not just the three of us. Well, I was there.

No, no. Well. I was there. No. No. No. Okay. Actually, we have another friend. Another friend that me dearly wish was here with us. He's played by Carla Ritchie. The bravest boy. He was killed off by some guy we used to know.

Anyway. Okay, cool. It has now been, and as I said, it's been two years since you last saw Freezo as well, who disappeared, of course. Maybe more.

Maybe like five years. Yeah, it's been years and years. We were in the jungle, remember? Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, you're right. It's been like five years and it's been, yeah, many more years. Oh God, the timeline is too confusing.

You guys ever think what Freezo's up to? Who could say? All the time. I guess you could watch the Beef Babes stream on Thursday nights. Oh, nothing. Sorry, it was just a message. Sorry, sorry. I bet he's great. You know, last time I saw him,

you guys were locking him in an eternal god prison. And he seemed pretty themed about that. But I was thinking the other day, maybe he's good. Nothing does you good like an eternal god prison. Maybe he's taken up pottery. Be hope when we see him again, that Friso,

he's going to come good. Maybe he's died and been reborn a different race. Maybe he's potentially Chinese now. What was that word you said? Potentially? Yes, I like it. And he takes out a word of the day calendar,

crosses out perfunctory and writes in potentially and then gets the definition off of banknote. Now, it takes about two days to make your way to the Balinox. And one thing that you immediately realise, because you've been in these woods before, is how desolate and quiet they are now. You can't hear much in the way of animals. There are no wolf howls.

There are no bats at night. The entire area is eerie and still. You're surprised on the second day when you see a small ferret on a tree, which jumps down to you and wh small ferret on a tree, which jumps down to you and whispers in your ear, Jacob, one of the many animal messengers that the Wolfen use, to let you know that Madame Draskov has sent the rest of the Nightclaws north to Icewind Dale on a last-ditch effort assault on the Monoliths to try and stop the raising of the Revenant Army.

I slouch and convey that to the group. All of those Nightclaws, their names will live on in legend but what they are trying to do, win or lose is perhaps the most heroic endeavor of your people for 500 years. I relay all of that and then say, and I'm here

with you because my job is listening to the ferret. Well, we've all got jobs. I think we think that listening to the ferret's very important, don't we? Oh, thank you, crab pervert. Oh, do me, do me.

Big idiot. You couldn't see me whacking in this crab. Sorry. Into a Fanta bottle. I went before we had to go. At the end of the second day, you find yourself at the foot of the Balinox and standing where the map says

that the secret passageway is meant to be. It looks like a featureless stone wall. High up above you on the cliffs, you can see just this faint imprint of the parapets of Castle Ravenloft. Oh, just a wall, I bet you're thinking. No. All right, let's get this over with. Secret passageway, get out of my way. You got me again.

Yes. I did not see this coming. Wow, wow, wow. Wow. Wow. What? No, I see through you now. I see you're just a big puppy dog with huge calves.

A little puppy dog with huge calves. That's it. Hey, man. Do you want a hug? You looking at me like you want a hug? No. I'm going to give you one. I am going to murder you.

I'm going to hug you. I'm going to use two swords on you. I'm going to use two hugs on you. I'm gonna hug you. I'm gonna use two swords on you. I'm gonna use two hugs on you. I'm running away. I'm chasing after. No, don't catch me and hug me. I'm gonna get you and hug you. No, don't catch me.

No. Squeezy, squeezy, huggy, huggy. Oh, I've been caught and hugged. I've got you. Oh, okay. Take my endorphins. Oh, no. I'm being hugged. Oh, okay. Take my endorphins. Oh, no. I'm being hugged. Take a big squad of

my endorphins. I can't believe it. For the first time in two days, Jacob Undercourt smiles and then casts Detect Magic. Is that what you were doing? Yeah, let's get Detect some freaking magic up in here, right? It's better.

He's back, baby. He's back, baby. It's better. He's back, baby. He's back, baby. Oh. As you cast detect magic, a shimmering imprint of an archway appears and the stone glowing in blue. All right, let's get the password up here. Friend and enter.

What was that? Friend and enter. Friend and enter. Friend and enter. Friend and enter. Friend and enter? Friend and enter. Friend and enter. Friend and enter. No. Bell.

No. It's like the fantasy equivalent of just having your password be password. It's from Lord of the Rings. Okay. All right. I'm thinking about that, right? So there's an army going to the north to draw Sauron's eye away from the thing, right? So does that mean are we

Frodo or are we Aragorn in this analogy? I assume you're a Sauron. Are we not? Are we not? While Bagnet assembles his doomsday weapon, the main goal of the

army is to try and destroy, the Nightclaws are trying to destroy the Revenant army before they're raised. You're doing a much smaller but still crucial mission. We're Frodo. To try and rescue Great Heartbank. Oh, okay, so it doesn't quite match up. Fine.

And Frenden enters. Sure, why not? The archway rumbles and opens, revealing steps leading up high into the Balinox. Oh, this is different from the last one. So cool, dude. So nice. Hey, thanks, but I don't know.

It doesn't fucking matter. And he's back to the way he was. Bobby just claps him on the back. Okay, and he's standing on a chair. Yeah, on the back of the knee. Yeah, what the fuck? On the back of his big calves. You trigger his reflex and he kicks you.

It's like slapping a piece of steel, though. They're, like, really impressive. Ugh. All right, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. You first, prophecy boy. All right. Having first crack at a great dream, why not have first crack at the stairs?

Dude, do we have a problem? Is this going to be an issue? No, no, no problem. Because we're going into the proverbial vampire's nest and things could get... Didn't even go to fucking proverb school. Yeah, I feel like

it's a literal vampire's nest is what it is, right? It's like literally a vampire. I'm using that correctly, right? Literally. I'm checking my word of the day calendar again. And guys, anyway, you're arguing over who gets to die. Okay, so you probably want to lose this one. Right?

Well, no, I don't. I didn't have anything planned for... I've been living like I was going to die. Hey, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. You could still die. This is the dragon friend. No, you're just being nice. Let's just fucking go.

I don't want to do this with everyone. All right, so if you're leaving, Bobby, leading, can you quickly make for me a stealth check? That's a 22. Alright, a 22. So you make your way up the steps, and it still seems as desolate and empty here. Castle Ravenloft was a ruin last time you were here, and if Strahd has returned, he hasn't bothered to do much renovations. The place still seems desolate and empty.

You wind your way up the stairs until you come to a doorway and you're pretty sure that you're being silent and stealthy and as you get to the door, you feel suddenly that you get the sense of a low hum of conversation beyond the door. And make a perception check for me. That's not the door. That's a four.

That's not good enough. You think the door is talking. You're going to have to make a decision, but you can't tell how close or far away the voices are. I got 22 on my perception. But you're not taking the van. I'm not there while I hear

someone's nose whistling very loudly. It's Jacob's. It's getting to me. The sloshing of a fancy bottle somewhere nearby. Sloshing? I'm sorry. Look, I didn't have time to empty it, okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Some of us are doing experiments. Does that make me a monster? Hmm? I said I'm sorry. So you are a crab pervert. Don't yuck my yum.

Hearing the conversation down a few stories behind you you realise you're going to have to make a decision quickly Bobby I rush back and I sort of make the quiet signal and I tell everyone there's people on the other side of the door if we go through it's going to have to be guns blazing

are you in the crab? yes you can't see you Are you in the crab? Yes. You can't see. You're not in the crab. You're walking up a narrow rock staircase inside a dungeon. According to this map, which... Can I bring the crab with me or am I crabless? Okay, so it's a big heavy barrel.

So if some of you are prepared to very carefully and slowly lift the barrel up, you could maybe get it around a very narrow spiral staircase. You're asking us to attack the big bad of this campaign while moving a couch. Yeah. I just think narratively it would be fun to have a big crab in the final battle. And you can. That's what it will take.

Exactly. I want you to picture it the way Tom said it. If you can get the couch into Castle Ravenloft You can use the couch In Castle Ravenloft You can roll a barrel up Welcome to Moving Friends everybody The only podcast that really does the tedious work

Of moving a couch into and out of a castle I can take the bottom of it if you want I'll take the bottom of it And then you can No hang on Lift it up more Here's the thing I'm above you on the staircase bottom of it and then you can No, hang on. Lift it up more. Lift it up more. Here's the thing. I'm above you on the staircase so you've got to lift it to my

level otherwise I'm going to hurt my back. I know exactly. No, you shouldn't be hurting your back. It's a question of engaging your core and lifting with your legs. I'm lifting with my core. I'm just saying. I can see you. You are lying. So the issue of this, you're going to have to have made this decision, Bobby, is that by the time they get to the top of the stairs, any chances for stealth is gone. So you're going to have to have made this decision, Bobby, is that by the time they get to the top of the stairs,

any chances for stealth is gone. So you're going to have to make this decision with just Bastogne and Filch. Filch, who is not helping carry the barrel. What kind of voices you hear? I don't know. All right. Dangerous ones? How many voices? It's at least a conversation, so it's a minimum right. Dangerous ones? How many voices?

It's at least a conversation, so it's a minimum two. Bastard? I care not for interrupting conversation. Wait, does that mean... Ha! Kick the door in. Okay. All right.

Knock, knock. But I say that with my foot. Oh, that's not good. I've done roll better than that. Martial arts. Oh, yeah. Thirteen. So, yeah, you kick the door open, and as you do, you see two figures,

both of them very pale-faced-looking humanoids in black and sable uniforms, one of them having a cigarette cigarette and the other one... Goths. These are the uniforms of the House Strahd. So, yes, Goths. And they spin around as you kick the door open. Smoking kills. And then I kill them.

All right, make your attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How many do I get? Two? What's their armor class? Twelve. Yeah, two hits. Suck Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many do I get? Two? What's their armor class? Twelve. Yeah, two hits. Suckers.

Oh, yeah. Eight plus seven is 15, plus eight is... So one of them, these are just like non-com... These are simple low CR guards. So one of them goes down. You can fire a sneak attack shot as well if you want through there. All right. Yeah, sneak those boys.

That's a three. Plus your crossbow. Yeah, that's a ten. Thirteen, that hits. Oh, ten. No, no, no. Okay, so your shot misses. The other one runs to the door

and starts frantically grabbing with the handle, but it's stuck. Bastogne, you can have another go. Oh, there's another door behind me. Oh, Phil, yeah, you're there too. Yeah, I run in. I get rolled a 19.

I'm running in with Thunder's Wake. And I got, I didn't roll very well. I got a eight. Eight damage. Okay, eight damage. And he's still alive, but like I said, the door is stuck as he desperately tries to get it open. Oh, I rolled a 20.

Yep. And do 16 plus seven is 21 damage. Okay, and the second guard goes down. You, I rolled a 20. Yep. And do 16 plus 7 is 21 damage. Okay, and the second guard goes down. You found yourselves in a small guard room at what looks like the dungeon level of the castle. Get a new style. There's another door, which I said, a big heavy door jammed at the very end.

Otherwise, there is a row of what looks like strange torture implements, manacles, a brazier full of coals with some irons in it. Okay, no, just around. You've got to go around the door. I am going. Just focus on your end. You're not.

Look, let's switch. Let's switch. I'll go behind. If we switch, it'll fall and we'll have to start this all over again. I mean, I don't want to be doing it the wrong way. Here! And I lift both the barrel and banknote, and I just take the last three steps and then plonk it down.

And 10 to 12 minutes later, banknote and undercourt arrive. Banknote now has a level of exhaustion. Undercourt, you're fine. Oh, it was from... Sorry, it was from carrying. Anyway, yep. So there's a door. There's another door. Ah, fatter! There's a door. There's another door.

Ah, Fanta. There's another door behind the door that we just went through. This is the guard room. Yeah. This exit way comes out of a guard room on the dungeon level. And as I said, it looks like it's a staff room for guards, torturers, and other people of employment on this level. What do the guards have on them?

There were two of them. They wore black and sable uniforms. They had... There were short swords on the table near them, but they never picked them up for the fight. Keys? One of them has a big jangly thing. Is there a clipboard with, like, which prisoners in what cell?

Yeah, there are papers on the table. All right, I'm going to have a look at those papers. Is there an employee of the month? There is that, too. Make an intelligence of the month? There is that too. Make an intelligence check for me. That's a 17. Make an insight check for me. Me too.

That's a 14. Okay, so you look at it and you realise that there seems to be a skeleton crew here. The castle does look like it's very understaffed at the moment. You enjoy skeleton crew at a gothic castle? Yeah. understaffed at the moment. You enjoy Skeleton Crew at a Gothic castle. Yeah.

And you also see that most of the patrols are around one cell in cell block B on the left-hand side of the floor. And with your insight, you see that the employee of the month was a guy called Derricourt who had a little goatee and there's a little picture of him and he won a block of chocolate.

Ah, Derricourt. Good to know. And what size are these guards? Would we fit into their costumes? Humanoids would, so banknotes, baston, undercourt would all fit. Okay, well, I'll take their clothes off. Okay. Time for dress-ups. So there's two outfits, so assume's assumed that it's going to be Undercourt and Bastogne, and you can disguise yourself

I suppose if you want to. Yep. Cool. I want to listen at the door. Alright, you listen at the door. I guess I'll just disguise myself as Derricourt. Oh, great. Okay, yeah, you can disguise yourself as Derricourt. 14. 14?

It seems empty, but you also think, as I said, you know the way to B Block if you want to go, and it looks, you know, it's a few minutes down the corridors. Let's do it. Let's do it. B Block. All right, so are just the people in costumes going? What's happening? All right, so, Banknote, do we need to...

Just lift with your legs, though, this time. I know how to lift. Banknote, you've never... Banknote! You little crab pervert. You don't need this. You didn't even need to bring this. We're trying to be cool, alright?

I want Dad to see it. Alright. Here, take this stick and roll it down the hall then, I guess. What's that going to do? Well, you don't have to carry it. Push it down the hall. Oh, there aren't any stairs anymore. We don't even need to carry it anymore.

Yeah, we're on the same level. Okay. No, I just... Okay, I don't want to bang it up before I show you. The sound of the heavy iron barred barrel makes a loud pendulous tone as it goes over flagstone over flagstone. And in this very quiet and empty space, it seems to ring out as it rolls over the stones

while the rest of you, I suppose, sneak a few steps in front of it. Well, we're just walking as normal guards would walk. All right. And Baston, dressed normally behind you, is rolling the barrel? Yeah. I'm going to just hang back behind them so if anyone comes out, I can sneak into the shadows. Great.

Okay. And Bastogne, you're still dressed in just a banknote, still dressed in ski pants. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Excellent. I just want to paint a mental picture for myself,

theatre of the mind. And you make your way down and soon you get to what you know as the final greater door before you get into cell block B. Bobby, you are again the first one there. Keys? Oh yeah. Jangle. So does it look like there's one particular key that'll, I'll try the door.

Yeah, there's a skeleton key quite obviously. There's a warden's key. You open the cell block and you walk onto a high gantry over a submerged prison level, where the prisons, you're on basically a catwalk over rows and rows of prisons. Okay, do I spot Banknote? Make a perception check. I do not see him.

But Baston's with you, so he can also make a check. Oh, I'll make a little look, see... Oh, yeah. 18. Okay, Baston, you tap Bobby on the shoulder and you point into the corner, and as your eyes adjust to the gloom, you can see a prison and a small pitiful cell with a metal bunk and a bucket

and what seems to be a large iron rack of some kind. Around the rack are chains and manacles and braziers of hot coals and tied to the rack, his naked torso glistening in the dark light is the supine form of Great Heart Banknote. But you do not have too much moment to be excited about this information

or to feel any form of triumph because standing in front of that figure, dressed in rings, silks and finery with his back to you momentarily is the unmistakable form of the Vampire Count Strahd Von Zarovich. Oh no. Ugh! This is taking fucking ever Is what he says Look mate, I really, I don't

Do you think I like this? Do you think I like spending my valuable Sort of dark lord time Talking to you about this shit? Do you think I like that? I'm not sure what you like But you're not getting a single secret out of me Strahd I'll rip your dick off What do you think about that? I'm not sure what you like, but you're not getting a single secret out of me, Strahd. I'll rip your dick off.

What do you think about that? I'll rip your dick off. That sounds nice, but I bet you couldn't even find my dick. It's so big. If Banknote has been addled or panicked by the various tortures that have been inflicted upon him, he seems to show little sign of distress.

That doesn't even... Listen, it's a very simple question. You're a smart guy. Just who is leading the resistance? I know it's not you because I've got you here. That's very clever of you. Good one. It is very clever of me. Thank you. Yes, I'll tell you one thing. Okay.

It's a baby king. I won't tell you who, but your demise shall be swift and hilarious. As he says this, time has been sufficient for the rest of you to arrive at the doorway. Even you,

Banknut, and through a trick of acoustics, the sound of the barrel isn't as loud inside this area below, and you're able to upright the barrel and place it gingerly by the side of the door as you all peer down the gantry to where Strahd is talking to Banknot. Listen, I'm a busy guy. You keep going on about it. Just oil me up or just shank me or something.

But don't keep talking about it. I will. I'll bloody shank you. And he stabs him in the arm. Oh, is that all you got? Oh, I couldn't even feel that. Okay, I reckon you... Yeah, shank. Shanks him again.

Ooh, that one was really good. Who taught you how to shank? A freaking... A mouse? A mouse? Why would a mouse teach me? I fucking hate you. I hate you.

Yes, yes. You sound like my son. Listen! You have to understand by now that nobody's coming to save you so just fucking tell me what I want and we can fucking go home! So they continue at an impasse for a while. Does Bobby have time to get out spiky Steve? I'm like, pulling out of my shirt, I'm like looking at Remy going...

I'm like, is this the... It doesn't feel like the time to me. No. She said you'd know. I don't... Do you know? I mean, he's not looking. It could just be done. It doesn't feel hero-y to me. That you know? I mean, he's not looking. It could just be done.

It doesn't feel hero-y to me. That's all. I mean... I thought it would feel hero-y. Now you have your small hand crossbow, your vicious hand crossbow you got somewhere, I can't remember, and this will fit into that if you want.

Yeah. I mean, just, like, take the opportunity. I mean, it's your call, dude, but she said it's got to be the right time. What, like when he's having a bath or something? We're not here to fuck vampires, all right? Fucking shoot him. All right.

Honestly, I think one of the key things about being, like, having a prophecy be about you is just knowing that moment and acting in the moment. I mean, it's so understandable wanting to stand back and analyze things, but when you're really in that flow state, you know, and actions are just coming to you, that's when you know. What I'm saying is maybe a few years

more of you having the prophecy be about you, and maybe you'll be ready for this, but kind of making things up as you go along is actually more difficult than it looks. As Jacob says this, he's gently putting his hand on the crossbow and now tugging it slightly. And banknote, lion shield banknote

steps forward and just like, and this time he's unfollowed the crab. No, no, that's a roar of a diesel engine, remember? Let's fucking go then, Dave! Behind, while Bobby has a moment of indecision, there is suddenly a click a beep beep and a

vroom as a diesel punk engine bursts into life there is a flourish of sparks a flash of fire and for a second all are illuminated by the shadow of lion shield banknote the fire reflecting in his glasses a smile on his white teeth as the banknote apparatus unfolds before him. Father! I'm coming to save you! Holy shit, is that you, Lai Lai? No, Dad, it's me!

Dad, no, I was hoping you'd recognize me. The fact that you didn't, yes, it's, oh, fuck, hell, oh. You have a very loud voice. Yeah, I'm sorry, I was hoping you'd recognize me. The fact that you didn't, yes, it's... Oh, fuck. You have a very loud voice. Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't know. I guess this is just like me dropping out of uni, is it? Huh? I can't do anything right, can I? Just shut up.

Is anyone else there with you? Well, well, well. G'day, cunts. And at that moment, levitating up on the gantry, who ducked away the moment that he heard the sound, standing on nothing at all, floating in the air, 15 feet up is the figure of Strahd Von Zarovich. Fucking hell!

It's bloody Filch! How you doing? Yeah, not bad, actually. Oh, that's good to hear. Bobby, hey, you look like dog shit. Not a ten anymore, huh? What? No, that's Bastogne. No, wait, I used to be a ten?

No, you were never a ten. When the hell was he a ten? That's fine, Phil, it's a crazy time, isn't it? Fuck, it's weird. What are you guys doing here? Oh, I'm just coming for a tour. Really? Yep. At my super secret castle where I'm holding a prisoner A tour

Do you have an audio guide? Yeah, it's the crab Oh, and who might you be? I'm the man who's gonna fuck you up I'm Strahd Von Zarovich How the fuck do you do? Get your fucking hands off my father! Oh!

Yeah, so funny. I didn't even know he had a kid. You know, I've been torturing him for like two weeks. Hasn't come up. What? What? As this happens, I put my hand gently on Bobby's shoulder and say, I remember seeing you as a youngling, Bobby,

and seeing you standing in front of a pair of other younglings playing at skipping rope, and you didn't know when to jump in. And you stood there and you stood there until the game was over. Now, do you understand why I'm telling you this, Bobby? Do you understand how the time and the rhythm and sometimes there's a time to do something and you just let it slip away. And then you're like, well, maybe next time. And then before that time's over, the next time is come and gone. And that's another time

that we could have been aiming and... While this is happening, Strahd has floated forward until he's about two feet away from you, banknote. His entire expression is non-combative, jovial, smiling. He doesn't look like he has any killer instinct in him at all.

I get it, man. Families are hard. I don't know how much you've heard about me, but I had a thing with my brother, had a thing with my aunt. That's not part of the law or the magic. She was just, you know, we just didn't get on. You know what I mean?

Anyway, no hard feelings, but yeah, I got your dad. So Dave, while this is going on, I'm going to stealthily unfurl the thing and put it into the crossbow. Make a stealth check. Tell me what you roll. It's a 16 plus 10. Okay, cool. 36. So you guys have come at quite an opportune time.

I don't know how up to date you are you are, Strahd, scheming-wise. Actually, no, what is? What is? What do you know? Um, uh, I mean, Bastogne, you seem to pay attention. I feel like you're trying to raise a whole army of ancient dead. Well, what you don't know is we've already foiled those plans. What do you mean? Well, we went up there and we pissed all over your stuff

and now no one will go near it because they're like, yuck, that smells all pissy. Yeah, smell all pissy. That's why there's someone on the stone smelled pissy. That was us.

We call that the piss stone. And just sorry to get my contribution in here. It's all over you. Oh, hey, what's up? Jacob Undercourt, formerly of The Great Prophecy, currently of Freelance,

looking to kind of mess around in a creative space, thinking of getting into pottery, ceramics, you know, misshapen kind of wibbly wobbly mugs. Sorry, was it Phil? I'm so sorry. Jacob Undercourt.

Sorry, James. You've got one of those names. We don't really have time. Happy to say it again. Jacob Undercourt. Sorry, James. You've got one of those names. We don't really have time. Happy to say it again. Jacob Undercourt. Jingleberry, I'm just chockers with nemeses at the moment. If one of them goes by the wayside, I will call you. The Wolfen of Cone to the rent.

That's not my fucking name. All right, while this has happened. And I'm having to train my goddamn replacement. This is all just a nightmare scenario. With your hands slightly trembling,

you have pulled out the arrow of pure spellstone and cocked it into your crossbow. Okay. While he's distracted, I'm going to take the shot. Okay, go for it.

That's a... 21. Okay. And I rolled 19, which is a a 28 and you failed the stealth check as well so suddenly at that point bobby you fly out um you whip out the hand crossbow and you fire a shot straight and true at his heart say something cool and without even giving you the dignity of a catchphrase or even looking in your direction, Strahd violently disapparates in front of Lion Shield Banknote

and the arrow flies through, stabbing Banknote in the neck who falls backwards over the apparatus and there's a snap of bats and Strahd is back standing on the apparatus, and there's a snap of bats, and Strahd is back standing on the apparatus, looking down, and he pulls the arrow out of Banknote's neck as a jet of blood spurts out 15 points of damage on Banknote, and looking at you,

he holds it up inquisitively and cracks it in half, placing the arrow in his vest pocket. I'm going to be really honest with you guys. I'm really sorry. I kind of did see this coming. I did. I did. I did. I knew that you'd come for him and you came for him just at the right time and guess what?

You sent all those wolves away and you brought some of them with them. So at this current moment what's happening, that whole village, that whole village with Madame Drauzkov, it's undefended and they're just massacring them. Everybody. That was the plan and you sort of did it. So I'm going to go now and sort of finish off her.

And quick tip, don't put yourself in prison if you're trying to be clever. As he's saying that, he's taking the arrowhead and he pulls out his family Von Zarovich signet ring and he somehow fashions the arrowhead and it slips into the signet as a ring. So, you know, I bet you've got a lot to talk about. You okay, mate? Well, you've got Daddy to catch up with, but Bobby, Gaston, Filch, Banknote Jr.

I want to say... Jacob! ...Mini Cricket. All right, Z-Cuts, bye! I think the news of my entire life, the one thing I had left in the world, my grandmotherly figure being under siege, I'm going to fly at him in a blind rage just before he disappears.

As you dive towards him, he bursts into bats again, and they spiral up. You kill two or three bats. Three bats, we'll say, one in each hand and one in your mouth. Yep. Did you jump off the balcony? Make for me quickly an acrobatics check. Okay, that is...

These ones. They'll fit in. That's a seven. And you fall down, breaking an ankle as you land on the ground underneath. This sucks shit! And there's the screeching of the bats

as they disappear upwards and you find yourself now in a room empty other than the restrained figure of Great Heart Banknote. I run to free him from his kinky little chains. Okay, he looks injured. He's been stabbed a couple of times.

He's been stabbed a couple of times. Who is that? Call me close to your face. It's me. It me. Filch? Yeah, Filch? Yeah Filch You know I could smell you

I knew it was you Yeah cause you didn't I mean you didn't recognise me straight away So just wondering like I know it'd been a while But I mean Sorry Back note

Back note is spitting out blood at the moment Filch if you fuck my dad and I die And the last thing I, if you fuck my dad and I die, and the last thing I see is you fucking my dad, I just think that I'm probably going to go to the afterlife hating you. Filch has at this point pulled the chains off Banknote and shrugging him over one of her massive shoulders, she pulls him up the staircase and places him carefully on a barrel on the gantry

in the middle of all of you. Thank you. Let me see all your faces. Baston's going to patch up... Oh, I'm going to cast Cure Wounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But hold up Banknote so he can see the intimate moment

between Filch and his dad. Banknote will live and this will scar, but now you are all together. Is that Lila? You've been shot through the neck, my son? Yes. We spent so much on your education. I came here to save you. You know, it's

just like parents that never impress, you know? No, you came to save me, that's great. What happened when you tried to save me? Tell me exactly what happened. I couldn't see, I was facing the wall. What happened? Did you do something good? No, it's just... He did something great. Really? He

got out that crab and he pinched that vampire so hard his dick fell off. And everybody clapped. And you didn't see that. Did in your bank note. Yeah, that's what I did.

I pinched his dick right off, Dad. I'm so sorry, that's absolutely not true. Now what happened is that we all fucked up very badly. The vampire is approximately three bats worth of damage. Apart from that, all of this was a colossal fuck up. Are we going to stick around here explaining it or are we going to charge forward onto the next mistake that you idiots are going to make?

Is this guy a new dragon friend or something? My name is Jacob. Okay, very quick with the nose. Just a reminder, I have to hang around after so. It seems that Castle Ravenloft is yours. What started 11 months

ago, a mission to unseat Strahd and take the castle has been succeeded in a way and yet failed utterly and comprehensively strad now knows where you are and although he has given you banknote you have given him the one seer with power of second sight strong enough to find ways to unseat him and so at this darkest moment that the dragon friends have faced in a long, long time, you have nothing to warm your hearts, but the knowledge that you have failed yet again.

Toasty! And yet, Great Heart Banknote would not have created a resistance if he could not see that the night is darkest before the dawn. And so, seeing the despair in your eyes, although he is desperately hurt and injured, he gathers you around his final soldiers for one last war council. So many downturned faces. So much pain, so much despair, especially from you with the big calves. War Council. But it is darkest before the dawn. I had a prophecy that I was supposed to be like the guy. Just really just don't need it. But I find out that basically my prophecy is actually just kidding. We've all had prophecies. So you don't even get a... Everyone's had a prophecy they weren't.

You just turn up and your replacement is right. I was going to... I'm going to say something really important. And he coughs blood again as you realize that he's more injured than you even thought. As he spits blood into his bandages you've come so far you've come so far all of you all of you, so, so far. You've come so far, but at what cost? All hope and the resistance is lost.

Hope to succeed can't compel. Why not run away Save yourselves Well There's a song that was sung On the lips of the young The oppressed see a future of bliss Yes Those in despair When no one is there

Sing a tune That goes something like this Viva los dragon friends Foxtrot and all the holes in his face His eyes, his nose, his mouth Yes, definitely his mouth Viva los dragon amigos No prouder team in this land, there is none

There's Filch, there's Bobby, Bastogne And of course my favourite, who's Bastogne again? You've sacrificed so much, and look you've come so far You are the solo, and the resistance is a guitar Fuck yeah, I did a metaphor. Hey Lala, your dad did a fucking metaphor. Oh, Viva la Dragon Friends. Mighty warriors with strength unique to each. There's stealth and power and good looks and... Yes. Oh, Viva la Dragon Friends. Yes, I'll be of all our dragon friends And of course I can't forget my son

Who's proud, powerful and hot Oh wait, I'm thinking Oh, Bastard! Star The dragon friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments and ending song by Tom Carty. Our special guest this week was Tom Walker. Jigar Khan designs our website, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded live at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney. Hope you join us next time for the final two episodes of this season of dragon friends.

Viva los dragon amigos. No prouder team in this land. There is none. There's village. There's Bobby. And of course my favorite. Who's best on again? You've sacrificed so much, and look you've come so far.

You are the solo, and the resistance is a guitar. Fuck yeah, I did a metaphor. Hey Lala, your dad did a fucking metaphor. Oh, Vivala dragon friends. Mighty warriors with strength unique to each. Their stealth and power and good looks and yes, oh,

viva la dragon friends. And of course I can't forget my son who's proud, powerful and hot. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of Bastard