Dragon Friends - #6.19. I'm Squizzing with Tom Walker

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

The Dragon friends have failed. Count Strahd has taken their one weapon against him and left them with nothing but an empty castle and a promise; that the lodge of the Wolven will not live through the night. But all is not lost, as Greatheart Banknote lives, and is ready to lead The Dragon Friends into the fray as the final confrontation draws near. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And a man that SMS'd me not 14 minutes ago saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I forgot it was tonight, I'm on my way, Mr Tom Walker! What reminded you that we were on? My SMS's. Oh, okay. An SMS from Dave that would have been not quite passive aggressive except for it started with my dude It has been 1,000 years since the magisters of Old High Netheril rained discord and ruin upon the people of the Sword Coast, and none suffered more than those ardent and hardy settlers of the Barovian Steppe.

You got something to add, Tom? Some joke about, I don't know, a popular voice-activated chat client? This isn't my fucking fault. Ben was hitting his forehead with the mic, and I found that funny, and you could have breezed on, and I wasn't even causing the problem, and now I'm snitching. Now, 1,000 years later, the terrible magics of the most cursed empire of man

are ready to be unleashed again, this time under the absolute control of the vampire count Strahd von Zarovich. For three years, Strahd has been gathering power clandestinely and openly, and has dug weird and potent magical artifacts out of the living ice of Icewind Dale. An army, indeed, of revenant Netherese warriors has been revived, powered by the lifeblood and memories of a subjugated people, and ready at last to march south and usher in the second age of ruin. These are dark times. Few dare to oppose the Count, and yet a precious few do.

Among their number, a motley band of misfit adventurers we call the Dragon Friends, who have travelled north and south, crossed span and sea. First time saying motley, huh? But not the first time saying motley. Cross span and sea. With COVID, you find more and more people are working motley, like with a band of kind of misfits All people brought together by circumstance

Motley was my favourite Hanna-Barbera sidekick Not another medal motley Do you guys listen to other 80s glam band motley crew? They rock man I conceived my second child around a castle in the water, and I'm going to call it Motley. Fuck you, Dave, you big fucking idiot. Oh, God.

Six fucking years. At Castle Ravenloft, you confronted him, but he has slipped through your fingers with promises of vengeance, not against the dragon friends, but their wizened and venerable oracle, Madam Draskov. Deep under the castle in a prison cell, it is hard to not feel overwhelmed by the pyrrhic victory of it all. The castle is yours. Great Heart Banknote, hero of the resistance, has been rescued.

Madam Draskov, with her prophecies of Stra Strahd's Doom is in more peril than ever. That's it. That's the spiel. Are you happy? Are you happy? Do you guys like my Moat Lee joke? Oh! Yeah, that was good. Oh!

Oh! My last name is Lee. So again, underneath Castle Ravenloft in the dungeon, banknote is there, but Strahd has gone. And with you as well... Just turn... I'm just getting an SMS from Tom Walker. Yeah, you're going to want to check that.

Might be urgent. With you as well is... Put it on silent, Dave. Put it on silent. Yeah, but don't turn it off. Put it on airplane mode. Airplane mode, Dave. Come on, Dave.

Don't take his power away. Dave, you can take tonight seriously. Yeah, we're trying to do a show, Dave. Trying to tell a story as one. Honestly, all of us have worked very hard all year on this. On this program. We've been building up to this for months. Honestly, all of us have worked very hard all year on this. On this program. We've been building up to this for months. We did this through COVID.

We had to do it remotely. Sorry, remotely. Tonight, the rest of us have really... I really want tonight to be told in a way that respects the story and the world we've built. And if you're not willing to put your phone on silent... It's very easy to do cheap shots. I'm sorry.

I'm turning my phone on silent. I'm turning it on to airplane mode. This is the end of all of this. Now, I apologize to all of you. If we can just play some Dungeons & Dragons. What I was trying to say... I would like that. ...is that you are also here with your newest friend and associate,

Grand Hunter. Dave, you didn't turn it on silent and you didn't turn it off because you failed to decline or accept the five images that I tried to airdrop you. And so you were just fruitlessly scraping at the screen, not affecting anything. Great hot banknote! Finally, we found you!

Not so loud. I've been hurt, damaged, wounded. But now you're here, we can finally... You hurt your ears? Yes, yes, with his words. He was very mean. Oh, you held it together. We saw you seeming very cool about it all. It takes a while for wounds to really kick in. Especially emotional ones.

Can I get you anything? I've got a first aid kit. There's some band-aids and some tweezers. Some saline solution? Who is this guy? Oh, sorry. Bob's in Dugna. At your service. Yes.

Do I have to talk to him? He's actually quite high up in the organisation that you lead, I think. Of course he is. I was testing all of you and you passed. Yes, can I have some saline

and some tweezers for my eyebrows, please? But the rest of you, friends, you've passed. Yes, can I have some saline and some tweezers for my eyebrows, please? But the rest of you, friends, you've come so far and done so well, but I'm afraid, I'm afraid it's all in vain.

Strahd's gone. That's right, he's gone and just moments ago he told you that he was travelling south to destroy the lodge and kill Madame Draskov, the one that had given you

the grey dream, the prophecy, Bobby, that you would be able to kill Strahd, and given that prophecy to one other who is also with you, that fuckwit, Jacob Undercourt. Yeah. I feel like I'm just saying what's on everyone's mind here, but I feel like we need to go and protect Madame Draskov.

She was so scary. All right. As long as she doesn't say boo to me again Please don't say boo to me also I'll never say it again Don't do it though Now banknote is still strapped into a rack Next to a table full of torturers

Implements But somebody's going to have to deal with that I'll do it Okay I think I mean could we at least flip for it or something? I think I have earned the right to save my father.

Okay, sure. I rolled an eight. And I rolled a seven. Yeah. Is this important to you, Hing? Saving a hypothetical father? Figure. Yeah, well, obviously it is, Dave. I mean, you know, I didn't want to talk about this on stage,

but yeah, I failed to save my own father from a vampire in real life, and I live with that every day. It's kind of insensitive of you to bring it up, Dave. Yeah, knowing that about my good friend Michael Hing and having known that for many years, that was a horrible thing to say. It really was. Sorry, Tom. I mean, fuck that. Father, father, father,

please, let me unstrap you from this gurney. You look bigger, Lai Lai. Have you been eating more? Well, I mean, I think we've all been stress eating during the occupation. I've been trying to keep, say, healthy, I guess. Have you gone back to school yet?

No, I haven't. Look, you know what, Fields? You can unstrap him. I think I'm growing independent from my father. Bobby, as the two chosen ones, I think that we need to make a decision here. We have a home that needs saving God, I hope this is what my voice sounded like last episode

What do you think here? I know that we've both had the same grey dream Which, honestly, I'm willing to let go at this point Obviously, I'm not even mad Well, it's easy for you to say Since I just screwed the pooch on the weapon You really fucked up Yeah, well, you were in my ear, just like...

And you really fucking... It just got in my head. I was in your ear. You know what was between your ears? A fucking stupid little brain that has no fucking way to aim, you piece of shit. Your fucking bronze three hands are going to aim that thing straight into a fucking wall.

I don't know what that dream said to you. Well, I do. It was my dream. But I want it the fuck back. You want the dream? You want to die so bad? For glory? I mean, when you say it like that, that's not terrible.

But who cares? Whatever happens, happens. Just fucking deal with it. And just be cool. Like, be cool. Be cool. I put my face really close to his. That's not cool.

I know. I'm not interested in being cool. I'm interested in being... Wait, one second. Sorry. I lost my train of thought. I didn't think I'd be this close to you. I leaned in a bit further than I was thinking.

My depth perception is off. Yeah. Well, while we're here, can I just say that your eyes are a very beautiful and unusual colour. But that's just by the by, so just, like, be cool, alright? Alright, fine.

During that upsetting interlude, Filge, you have found there is a key, indeed indeed on the torturer's implements table. In fact, because you and Banknote are over it that way, why don't you both make perception checks for me? That's a nine. That's a ten. Okay. In that case, never mind.

You find the key. And another great opportunity for any kind of magical items, rewards or in any way advancement of your character's inventory is wasted, but that's by the by. Well, that's not our fault. Let me look again. You want to look again? Can I have a squiz?

Okay, Dobson, can I have a squiz? I'm going to have a squiz. I'm squizzing. I got a seven. Okay, never mind. Can we all have a squiz? I'm going to have a squiz. I'm squizzing. I got a seven. Okay, never mind. Can we all have a squiz? No. So, Phil, yeah, you've got the-

I'm going to undo Great Heart. Okay, great. I'm like, hey, man. What? You? Are we, like, is this, is there anything? I know you've been away for a while, me being away for a while. I mean, how do you feel about old Filgy?

I mean, to be honest, I feel a little bit awkward. I didn't think I was going to see you this soon. You're great, by the way. That means it's been three years. Yeah. I don't usually get flustered when I'm tied up, but I don't know, I guess

you know, maybe once we save the world or, you know, literally anything, we could have a cup of slime? What do people drink? You think because me half-orc?

Dude, that is super. Iorc? No, I didn't. Dude, I'm so sorry. I just have so much money, it's hard sometimes to understand where I'm at. Dad, come on. Honestly, Dad. Come on, I'm a rich daddy. Come on. Dad. Oh, Dad.

Oh, that's bad news. All right, well, hey, I hate to break it up. I don't break it up. I don't actually hate it. That was bloody bad. But tell you what, I would really like to be getting back to Madden Draskov now. Yeah, we don't want her to die. She was nice.

All right. Why don't you send Flappy on ahead? Yeah. As a warning. Good idea, Bobby. Thanks. All right, so you make your way. What do you think my eyes look like?

You were just kind of saying a lot of stuff about his eyes. His eyes are kind of like a slime green. Escaping out of the dungeon, making your way through the corridors of the deepest dungeons underneath Castle Ravenloft. It is clear that this place is hollowed out, devoid of guards and soldiers. It takes a little longer, it has to be said, because Banknote, you insisted on bringing, correct me if I'm

wrong, your war machine, the Banknote apparatus, up four flights of stairs into the dungeon, and I presume you want to take it back with you? No, no, no, no, no, you've got to move it, lift with your legs, otherwise we're never going to get out of these stairs. I am lifting with my legs, your hands, I can tell you're not taking... No, no, you're using your back. I am using, I'm. Your hands. I can tell you're not taking. You're using your back.

I am using my legs. I've lifted things far heavier than this. Okay, what's the heaviest thing you've lifted then? I don't want to get into it. What's the heaviest thing you've lifted? I don't want to get into it. What are you doing? It was this. It was this the first time.

I was trying to impress you. I knew it was this. Listen, I'm going through a lot. Oh, you're going through a lot? I just watched my father try and racially flirt with my friend. So it is a couple of hours and the moon is high above the Balinox by the time that the dragon friends make their way out of the dungeon as you reach the clean, cool air of Barovia.

If you want, Filch, you can send your magical familiar Flappy up into the air. Should we go back and put a whoopee cushion on his throne? I mean, do we have access to a whoopee cushion? That will take, you can, this will take a couple more hours. How do you guys think I got sent into jail in the first place? It's impossible to prank that man. Look, Castle Ravenloft is empty right now, so if you want to do something else...

You know, like, do we need to home alone this castle? Because he's going to come back here. Of course we need to. You know, we tie a big axe to the door and then he opened the door. Smack! Axe fall on head. We could leave all the taps on. We could put bat bait out.

Yes. Anyone got any bat bait? Just to go on that idea of the axe, if we just tied the axe up and didn't put any mechanism there, that could be scary on its own. Yeah. She's like, whoa, some enchanted axe. If we just tied the axe up and didn't put any mechanism there, that could be scary on its own. She's like, whoa, some enchanted axe. Yeah, this axe is dangerous. Someone tie it up.

How to get all the way up there, you know? Yeah. Alright, you go back and do that. Alright. Oh boy. Wait, no, no. I'm coming with everyone else. I'm still the protagonist. Alright, I'm gonna with everyone else. I'm still the protagonist. All right, I'm going to summon Flappy. 100% Phil, thanks so much for getting me back.

Is Flappy getting more neurotic? I've been away for a while. What you been up to, Flappy? There's been just hawks chasing me the entire time. Much bigger hawks than me. So the pocket dimension that Flappy lives in is just occupied by humans. I'm in the wrong dimension. It's the extra large hawk dimension.

I'm a small one. I'm fucked up on the paperwork or something. Flappy, that's no good. Flappy, you've got to stand up for yourself. Yeah, I try, but they're literally five times bigger than me. What do you say? What do you say to these hawks? I scream at them. I scream, I scream. And I say, don't. Please, I'll give you my shoes.

When we finish up this adventure, me going into that dimension, me going to punch every hawk to death. Ty, in this extra large hawk dimension, all the hawks also wear shoes. Is this a thing? Do they all wear shoes? No, well, Flappy wears shoes. They don't have shoes. Have you ever considered that maybe the reason you're picked on for being different isn't your size, it's the shoes?

It's actually the one thing that they find redeeming about me, is that I wear shoes. They think it's fashionable, but then they're just like, where's your socks, fuckhead? And they just really rip into me. Am I alone in thinking that maybe this has side quest vibes and we're in a real, have like no more side quest area of our lives right now? Come on guys, it'll take three days.

I said when the adventure's finished, Flappy, I need you to fly very fast because I've been mucking around and I need you to go and go to Madame Drozkov and see what's happening there. And then come back and tell us about it.

All right, I'll be off. I'll be off now. Okay, floppy away. And he zooms south towards the lodge as the dragon friends make their way towards that same village of the wolf and that secret place deep inside the Svalich. Wood, as you walk, the moon is high above the sky, and it is impossible to feel that perhaps the last four hours have not been spent fruitfully, but still, you are making okay time.

At last, after an hour or two, Flappy flies back, and you can see from the ruffle of his wings and from several spots where he is bleeding that he has been attacked and he is if anything in more of a state. Was this those large hawks? It was. Much much worse than the big hawks. Flavio goes on to tell you that he saw a scene of devastation at the lodge.

It looked like there was perhaps a figure still alive in a cage that had been erected in the centre of the village. There were houses on fire and the air was thick with sturges, which are sort of giant demonic mosquitoes that attacked him as soon as he got close. Oh, buddy. Well, I don't want to send you back. Please, please just let me live here with you.

I'll sit on your back. I'll just stay here. Just come and... Yeah, just sit on my shoulder. The hearty thud of two Timberlands landing on Bilge's head. Thank you. You're going to be able to balance on my shoulder, okay? It won't be easy, but I'll do it. All right.

Where should I put my other shoes? Maybe... Have I got a bag? I've got a wardrobe. I've got like six pairs of sneakers. What do I do with them? He loves shoes. He calls them cans.

I'm going to get my bag and I'm going to put it on my front and I'm going to put Flappy in the front like a baby carrier. Like a baby Bjorn. Strap him to your chest. Yeah. Okay, so there's a giant wingspan in your way, but you do it. Well, yeah, only when it's open. Wait, what?

Wings go down, Dave. You think birds are always like this? No, but if you strap him to your chest, you've got to make the decision about the wings, surely, or how are you going to deal with it? Well, you're not going to strap a fully extended bird to your chest, are you? That's going to slow you down so much. You're crucifying a bird to your chest. Yeah, he's in it would slow you down so much. Crucifying a bird to your chest.

Yeah, he's in the down wing position. I thought that went without saying. I fucked this up and I'm sorry. It would look cooler with the wings out. It would look like a big tap. And Phil, you also have to decide as you walk along if you do so with your arms at right angles to your body. Otherwise Dave is going to assume.

He's clotheslining everyone along the road. Now you're still about an hour out from the lodge and Banknote was looking very, very sick but his colour is regained in his face as he walks as he realises that he's free at last. A slight spring emerges in his step as he realises that he has been saved by his son's cool friends. So.

Sorry, I didn't know. You hadn't clarified which banknote you were talking about. And I thought for a moment, it was me, but it's not. I'm sorry. Anyway, we can... How upsetting for you. So, turning over to Filch, he unbuttons the top of his jerkin

and he pulls a sheath of papers out. What? What? What? What's he freaking jerkin, Dave? See, the thing is, we've done this fucking podcast for so long, I feel like we've done jerking, jerking. I mean, it's a classic, so. I mean, the Eagles have played Hotel California a couple of times, too. Banknote explains that these were notes that he found

before he was kidnapped by Strahd. Wrong banknote again. Great heart banknote. Okay, never mind. Banknote explains that these were notes that he found before he was kidnapped by Strahd. Wrong banknote again. Great heart banknote. Okay, never mind. Banknote the worthy. Banknote the successful leader of the resistance as he passes them to you, Filge. You can see that these pages are filled with a script

you do not understand, and they've been annotated in an unfamiliar hand as well. There are notes all around them in common. It looks like a partial translation. What this? I'm not exactly sure. I know you as the smartest of all these people here. Oh, come on, Dad. Well, you know,

don't speak out of line. She's pretty big, and so if you're pretty big, you've got a pretty big brain to do all the thinking with. How big's your brain, Lila? Let's not go into it. The phrenology was really upsetting as a child. Everybody gather around. My son has the smallest brain. I don't have the smallest. Because he has the smallest

head circumference. Case closed. But Filch, does this make any sense to you, these signs? And Filch, you did learn to read. Yeah, obviously I've been able to read for a very, very long time and a human taught me in case you were wondering. So let's just get that out of the way.

I got taught by a human the same as the rest of us. And what did it say, Dave? Well, why don't you make an intelligence check? Okay. Five. Okay. Here we go. So we're The humbug

The chalut It say Filch You're doing a great job Keep it up And then I I pass it to Lila Okay

I'll have a go with this Why do I need to make a tent? Okay good Alright Lila You look at this And this is written in Laurussian, which is the magical language of Netheril, that cruel empire that once ruled all of the Sword Coast.

And it is a language that you can understand because it's descended from Elvish, a language that you learnt at the Academy, and it talks about a... It describes at length an ancient magical artifact. You can see it. It looks kind of like a pillar, I suppose, or a menhir, a kind of powerful obelisk of spellstone,

and it's called a nether lodestone. Not something that you have seen in your adventures yet. This is colossal. And it is also... The centre of it is a pulsing center of it is a pulsing, what looks like a pulsing crystal. And Strahd's notes

all around it are partial translations of the Laurasian text and they describe a device that was a fail-safe hub at the center of a Netherese city

capable of protecting that city when all of its defenses fell and even bringing its dormant, revenant guards to life if imbued with enough magic. Control the lodestone and you control the army. What we have here is a diagram of an object that Strahd desires.

A pulsing lodestone. Oh, come on. We're all having a fun time here. No, okay, at least I didn't say anything racist. Anyway, um, Dad, the issue here is that this stone could bring to life some very powerful gods from the ancient Netherese city. However, if we prevent him from activating it,

then perhaps we could control such a stone, wielding it for our own purposes, taking it on, crushing our enemies. I haven't heard talk like that. Is that the end of the sentence? Yeah, wait, no. For some time, especially from you, Lai Lai. No, no, I'm a very good boy.

I'm just saying that, you know, if we had enemies who we needed to, for example, vanquish or perhaps crush into dust or something, you know, it's something that we could, you know, take advantage of. Where is this thing? Great Heart, do you know? I'm afraid I do not. I wish. All right, the big one doesn't know. Now ask the little one.

All right. Lai Lai? Is it in the text, Dave? No, it's not. I do not, I wish. Alright, the big one doesn't know. Now ask the little one. Alright. Lailai? Is it in the text, Dave? No, it's not. I do not know. These are pages from a larger book that have been ripped out, and you, Banknote, found them while you were exploring the castle before you were recaptured by Strahd just a few days ago. Yes.

Unfortunately, the location of this load stone is unknown. Where would you like the load? Okay, that's enough of that. Thank you very much. That's just about enough of that because your walk has come to the edge of the lodge. You are now just deep in the woods just before the clearing

and you can hear a hum in the air as you get closer and even a few howls. Do you guys hear that? As well as the crackle of fire. It's kind of like, I don't know, I don't know if it's getting picked up by, I don't know, is that annoying to you guys as well? The hum in the air.

Does it sound like robots or some robotic mosquitoes, perhaps? It sounds like it could be some kind of annoying, I don't know, it just seems like, I don't know, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. Maybe, I don't know. No, no, I think don't know, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. Maybe. I don't know. No, no. I think it's valid.

We think it's probably the giant mosquitoes. Oh. The Flappy told us about. Now. Sounds like this. That's exactly what it sounds like. And every now and then the plaintive cry of a wolf. The crackle of burning buildings.

And a babbling brook. And who's that over there? Oh, it's Apu Nahasa Bima Petalon. He didn't take the bait. What the plan? Okay, I think we go and we try and track the people who came here, track them back to where they go. Maybe that's where the lodestone is.

We should try and see if there's any survivors also. Yeah, whoever was in that big cage. Oh, yeah, the big cage. Oh, yes. The big cage. So is somebody going to... You're travelling through the woods. You have your stubborn mule who is carrying the wagon with the bank nurse apparatus.

Stubbsy. Stubbsy. And other than that, you are all on foot. As I said, you are just before the break in the tree line. I'm going to do some sneaking. Make a stealth check for me, Bobby. It's a hot two, baby. We are rolling bad tonight.

Welcome, dog. That's no good. Oh, that's a 12. I'm very stealthy. I think you would have done better if you'd rolled a 1 because of your halfling. Yeah, that's crazy. So Bobby walks forward and sneaks through the tree line

and for a second you have to marvel at his halfling nimbleness before he manages to step on one twig and then another twig, cracking underfoot as he breaks open the trees and tentatively peeks inside. Sounding like... And as you do, Bobby, you see about 30 feet in front of the rest of the dragon friends a scene of devastation.

Burning huts, the lodge, Madame Dr drazkov's tent all aflame a dark rusted and ash blackened cage that someone has suspended on the tree in the center of the clearing and around it baying jumping trying to get whoever's inside is a what do you call a group of wolves? Pack. A pack of wolves. Thank you. While the air is... It's called an inconvenience of wolves. An encounter. An encounter of wolves.

Actually, I believe it. A challenge rating of wolves. Yeah, fun fact, it's called a serendipity of wolves. Why don't they cut the cage down? Don't they have any knives? The wolves? Scissors? Yeah.

The wolves? Yeah. Aren't they all werewolves? Why don't they turn back into people? These aren't werewolves. These are wolves. These are regular wolves? These are wolves.

Friendly regular wolves? Not friendly at all. What? What is the relationship between wolves and werewolves? Can't you guys talk to these wolves? Yeah. Oh, I kind of had a falling out

a little while ago. With the regular wolves. with the regular wolves. With the regular wolves. They're pretty jelly about the fact that we can do other stuff. They don't like that we can be standing up. Just a reminder that you have fought, you fought, I believe, in season two of this podcast, wolves that were under the beck and call of Strahd Von Zarovich.

He can control some of the animals of Barovia. These look like those same wolves. Not exactly those same wolves, but similar ones. And Bobby, as you part the canopy of the trees, and as both of the branches that you pull aside immediately snap with a gunshot clack, those wolves stop hopping and turn around as one, all four of them to face

you. It seems that you have been rumbled. Hey, wolves! Come and Come and get me and I shine my moon torch, my moon sword on myself and assume wolf form and it's night time so yeah, using the power of your moon torch my moon sword on myself and a for uh assume wolf form and um it's night time so yeah

using the power of your moon touch long so you begin to transform as we go into combat jacob undercourt is already running part you past you a withering look at your lack of stealth way to go shitheads as he dives forward pulling out his two scimitars and jacob you can go first all right i am gonna just fucking hit start hitting these wolves. Yep, run at them. I rolled a 10. I'm a class of 13 plus 7, yep, that'll hit me. Yeah, and so I'm swinging the sword,

and I'm looking to hit maybe the side of the wolf. Okay, thank you. I don't want to get cocky and aim for the head or the legs or whatever. I'm just aiming for where the most wolf is. All right, aiming at the big... Which to me, Dave, is if you're looking at the profile of the wolf, that's like the most chance you have because that's the most a wolf can

fill the vision. Hold still, wolfy. I'm coming around to the broadside. Alright, now let me sidestep, sidestep, and now I can strike. Got it. Like a true pro, you come in and you take 11 points of damage off the wolf, the biggest wolf, the largest wolf, and already racing beside you is Baston Indrirovich with monk-like speed.

Bam, slash him with my swords. Bam, bam, bam. Are you attacking the big wolf or the little wolves? The big wolf. I got a 20 and a 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heaps of damage. 12 plus 6 is 18 plus 12 is 30 damage.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Baston with his two swords, the name sword of Sergei Andreevich and his scimitar of speed from his time in Chult runs forward and begins slashing at the biggest part of the wolf, the largest part of the wolf, if you can imagine the wolf in profile, like the flank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does a lot more damage, it has to be said, than Jacob Undercourt.

Warmed him up for you. I cut out the bit that was hardest to hit of the bit that's easiest to hit. Thanks, my dude. But now... But now that you are... Can I have some D20s? Now that you are inside the clearing, you can see that the thick dust of the Sturges is disturbed

as these tiny beasts fly towards you, Baston, to make blood drain attacks, hitting 15 and 20. What's your armor class? 15. Alright, one of them hits. Of the next two, another one of them hits. Of the next two, two more of them hit, so that's four. And the next two, only, they both miss.

So four of the Sturges connect and you take 20 points of piercing damage. Oh, you bloodsuckers! Like darts, they fly in and attach themselves to Bastogne's neck and cheek and start draining his blood while more of them, ever more of them, circle around the cage,

getting all up in whoever's in their business. The wolves run forward and attack you, Bobby. One of them hits you, as you take 2d6 plus three. I'm just going to need some of these. I've got 16 armor class. Sorry, yeah, I noticed even so. And you take another six points of damage

as one races back towards Filge and misses. Bobby Pancakes, you are up next. Okay, well, I'm going to attack the one attacking me. So I'm going to go a 10 and a 19. 19 hits. So that's biting damage. That's 10, 11, 12 points of damage. Okay.

So raking out with your werewolf claws, you damage and bloody one of the wolves, Filch. I'm going to attack them. I'm going to go into a rage because I'm very angry to see my friends attacked by wolves. And also, I just realised, I always thought you could only have to do a rage once a day. No. It's just a bonus action.

You can do it like three times a day. I should be so much more angry. It's been five years. Yeah, I read my character sheet just now. And it said bonus action. There's loads of fun stuff on this. In credit to Filch, I think the fact that you could get angry but instead chose to be calm is probably like a nice thing about you.

Yeah, but in this case I am very angry about my friends being attacked by wolves. So I swing at them with Thunder's Wake. I get a 19 and a 15. Both hit. And I do a 17 damage and a 11 damage. Okay. Filch picks up one of the wolves by its neck and throws it against a tree. There is a hideous crack.

Rot roll! Is that the noise the tree makes? That is the noise that when you throw a wolf at a tree, the tree will bend in such a way that it will go, Rot roll! Time to solve some mysteries! Wow. And the wolf dies.

What do you want to do with Flappy? You realise you can use Flappy in combat. Oh, is he okay, though? I'm so pissed off. I want to kill something. It's been so long. All right, Flappy, hold on to this javelin and just go absolutely bonkers.

I take one of my shoes off and I put it very daintily back in where I was sitting. Okay, with disadvantage, because there's nowhere in the rulebook that says an eagle can't play javelin. You know what? The lowest I rolled was a 15, so yeah, that works. This is like the worst nightmare of the guy who invented the messenger pigeon.

The guy that invented the messenger pigeon is like the Oppenheimer of communication. We worked, we knew we could do it, but we never stopped to ask if we should. Do you want me to roll for damage? Oh, that's a plus five. Yes, that's a six. Six points of damage. So the javelin is thrown with Surprising Grace by Flappy

into the flank of another one of the wolves. Jacob Undercourt, you are up next. Alright, I'm going to go ahead and make a deception check for me. Oh, I'm going to do a deception check. Perception. Perception, that's a 17. You can see now, suspended in a cloud of sturges, about five of them sucking her lifeblood from her,

is the wizened and pitiful figure of Madame Draskov up in the cage. I need this blood to live! But she's still got some fight in her. Quick! Vomit that blood up! Vomit it up! And I draw my longbow, and I'm going to try and take a shot at something. You're going to shoot a mosquito.

Yeah. Well, they're big mosquitoes. No, they're tiny. Oh, they're regular-sized mosquitoes? There's many of them. But yeah, Sturges have two hit points and armor classes, but they're tiny beasts, tiny unaligned beasts. I'm so sorry if I made you hit points and armor classes, but they're tiny beasts. Tiny, unaligned beasts. I'm so sorry if I made you guys think they were

big mosquitoes. They're tiny. It really raises some questions about how big these eagles are in your pocket dimension. They're so big. They're bigger than buttons. I feel like we can return to that later. Anyway, well, if they're really small, then I

guess all I can do is shoot really well, Dave. I'm going to go ahead and roll. That is a six plus number, which will redeem that. So that's a nine. All right, that misses, but you get to fire two shots a turn. Oh, yay. Well, that's a three. Never mind.

Well done. That's your action. Lai Lai Banknote. No, not Lai Lai Banknote. The next one. Lai Lai, have you had a turn? I haven't, but I'm willing to take two goes as recompense for you missing my first go, Dave. Would you like your first go to have been activating the banknote apparatus?

Yes, please. All right. We'll come back to you. In that case, Baston and Derevich, you are up. I'm slashing again. I'm slashing them wolves. Baston, just so you know, those big mosquitoes, I warned them for you. Thank you again, I suppose.

Four hits. Now, remember what I said, that you have four sturges sucking your blood out at the moment all over your body. Yeah, and I'm hitting four sturges. You're hitting the sturges that are on. You're using your sword to attack mosquitoes. Such is my skill and precision. Are we discovering, perhaps, that you have not... This is outside your skill set?

What's their armor class, Dave? Could Baston hear me as Draskov? Yeah, of course. Okay, so... Fighter! Fighter! Listen! Is that it?

All right. Wait, wait, wait. If I'm covered in bugs, I'm going to stop, drop, and roll. All right, great. In the mud. Make me an athletics check. I want mud, Dave. There is mud.

There is Mad Nash. I want to go Predator style. Oh. That's a three. Acrobatics? That's nine. He's not able to fall over? No, he is, but he's not able to kill any of the Sturges,

which means you lose another 20 hit points of damage as they continue to suck at you. Lylite Banknote, there is a roar of diesel and a whoosh of pneumatic pistons as suddenly, maniacally cackling out of the undergrowth comes an Aasimar in a cravat and Purple Jacket riding astride a giant six-legged mechanical spider, kind of like the one in Wild Wild West, although obviously legally distinct for IP reasons. So, Dave, the wolves are dead, right?

No, there's two of them still alive. Great. I'm going to go with the largest wolf. I'm going to grapple it with my first move, using the Asimar crab machine. Yep. Then I'm going to fire the crossbow at it. It's grappled,

so I get advantage with that attack. You do? The highest is a nat 20. Then, thank you, thank you. Then I'm going to, in Lion Shield's turn,

I'm going to hook. That is so cool what you just did, by the way. Like, I'm just thinking about how that looks. He just grabs the crab. He just goes like, boom! Yeah. Headshot the way. I'm just thinking about how that looks. He just grabs the crab.

He just goes like boom! Headshot and then I'm going to use shocking grasp and grab the wolf by its paw and fucking electrocute that shit. So with all the damage it's 37 in total. Okay.

So Lion Shield rushes forward, grabs the wolf, holds it up as he fires a point-blank fusillade into the wolf's head. The wolf's head explodes as he then continues to blast it with lightning. The wolf is already dead as Lila Banknote pumps vault after vault into it.

Don't you fuck with me! Don't you fuck with me! As it falls, slumps down on the ground, dead in front of him. The alpha wolf has been killed. The St wolf has been killed. The stooges fly forward, two of them trying to attack Lila, but they can't get close. Two of them go for Filch. Filch, you take five hit points of damage,

and the last of the wolves rushes at you, Bastogne, but misses, and the next one up is Bobby Pancakes. Okay, I'm going to cast Colour Spray at the crowd. You can't, unfortunately, cast while you are in your werewolf form. You can cast Do A Big Poo, probably. You can cast Do A Big We, probably.

No, you can't. Werewolves don't poo or wee. Oh, okay. They save it up and when you turn back you have to do big shit. Oh, really? Yeah, you have to do

a big dog shit out of a human or a halfling. Oh, that is the curse. That is the curse. The curse of the world. The one downside, yeah. You can change back, but this will be...

No, I'll go and attack the wolf that's attacking Bastogne. So that's a 11 and a 20. The 20 hits as a sneak attack because it's attacking Bastogne. Oh, yeah. Which means you get bonus damage. Oh, yeah, you do so much. So much. Okay, so, oh, my God, it's like four of these.

Yeah, yeah, do it. One more. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four. That's enough. The last of the wolf die is now. However, the air is still thick with Sturges. Many of the dragon friends are being attacked by them.

The next one up is Filge. I yell, banknote! Get a spell ready! And then I cut my arm. Fuck. What? No, I've got a spell for this. I know.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Do you want me to sky write? Oh, shit. I'm attracting the... Fuck. What are they called? The dirt stirrers. Make a persuasion check for me.

Oh, my God. I thought you were acting out. Opposed by me. Oh, okay. A persuasion check. A persuasion check? Yeah, how persuasive is your blood? Performance, we'll call it.

No, a 12. So you're trying to get all of the stirrers' attention. Because they love blood. Yeah. Since when is blood persuasion check. How persuasive is your blood? Performance we'll call it. No, 12. So you're trying to get all of the Sturgis' attention. Because they love blood. Yeah, since when is blood persuasion? Well, this is a form of persuasion.

You're trying to get their attention while they're fighting. Anyway, you won. I rolled a three so don't feel too bad. Okay. As Filge rushes forward

with blood pouring down her arm. In fact, Filge, take five points of damage. The Sturgis around the cage suddenly spin around and sensing warmer, tastier fare than the wizened old blood of Madame Draskov, they fly down towards you, ready to attack you in a flurry,

perhaps a life-ending flurry. Dinner is served! Do you have more of a plan than this? And then I yell, bug zapper! And bank note. Don't worry, I've got just the trick. Do you have more of a plan than this? And then I yell bug zapper at Banknote. Don't worry, I've got just the trick. It's called rope trick. Okay, so Banknote is going to grapple Filge in the crab claw with the crab turn. Yep.

And then while she's grappled, he's going and all the bugs are coming in. He's going to wait for the bugs to, and then he's going to I guess electric shock. Yeah, the one you just did to the wolf. He's going to shocking grasp Filge like a bug zapper. Oh, that's good. So attack Filge. You've got advantage because Filge

is obviously. 16 plus 8 hits, yep. And now just do damage to Filge. This is a great play. That is 12 damage. 12 damage kills 6 of the Sturges and does another 12 damage to you, Filge. I'm sorry about this.

It's the only way. It's cool. It was my idea. Jacob, I'm going to go ahead and... Oh, well, it didn't work before. But let's take out the last two of those Sturges Jacob Undercourt I'm going to go ahead and Oh well It didn't work before But let's take out the last two of those Sturges And I draw my bow

I guess I'm shooting kind of at you guys The last Sturges are on Baston's face Oh they're on There's four Sturges left They're all on Baston's face Okay cool I'm just going to go ahead and use a Because these aren't

I can use an un-strike on these guys, right? You can use a bow. You can do whatever you want. Okay. I'm going to take short sword. Headshot. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to take short sword and go ahead and swing it just like slide out. Just slide it in my face? Do you roll a six? Yes.

Okay, that means you hit Baston. No. Which means that Baston unfortunately takes another nine points of damage. Baston is asleep. Really? Yep. That's Baston's down but you means that Baston, unfortunately, takes another nine points of damage. Baston is asleep. Really? Yeah.

That's Baston's down, but you've got a second attack. Just hit me in the... Don't worry. You hit me in the face, dude. Don't worry, everyone. I changed Baston's plane, so now he's near invisible to the mosquitoes. He's on the floor. They are increasingly less interested.

It's true. Baston, you are starting to die. Make your first death check. Yeah. Death save 15 that's okay 15 you're fine for now The Sturges attack you again Baston

Which means that they trigger another Two death checks please Oh no One success Alright I better do another one Yeah pass that Okay one more Times like this you really realise

That none of us have any healing powers What so ever Oh that was a 20 I passed them both And 20 means that you stabilise And you come back with one hit point Pass that. Okay, one more. Times like this, you really realise that none of us have any healing powers whatsoever. Oh, and that was a 20. I pass them both. And 20 means that you stabilise and you come back with one hit point. Congratulations. And I use my second win to regain D10 plus four hit points. You can't because you are unconscious.

Bobby Pancakes, you're up. Can I do healing stuff when I'm a wolf? Can I do bardic stuff? No, no, you can't. No spells. Fuck me. There's only four of these very small insects that they've no, you can't. No spells. Fuck me. Can I look? There's only four of these very small insects

that they've just, they're up in a cloud. They've just departed from Bastogne. I'm going to jump up and like snap him in my jaws like a dog. Okay, great.

Make some attacks. That's a 14 plus four and another one. Yep, they're automatic hits. Two of them die. The next one up is... Hey, you forgot Flappy's turns.

Flappy? I get my javelin and I spin it around like a shredder and I try and shred him up. Okay, once again, with disadvantage because really a hawk does not have proficiency in use of a javelin. Motherfucker, you hit again. Oh yeah, baby, That's nine damage.

You know what? I rolled. I'll give you another one. And that was a crit. Flappy, you kill the last two. The last one. Flappy throws the javelin. Pinpointing the last.

Much as Jacob Undercourt was trying to do as he pinpoints the last mosquito. Get upstaged by a bird And as I throw it I say to the mosquito Sucked in Oh nice Nice Flappy Man even your cool action

Your lines are better than his I was also going to say that Were you? I was Because going to say that. Were you? Be honest, were you? I was. Were you? Because mosquito suck is so clever. There's one thing I know this Jacob Undercorn likes to do with suck.

It's suck himself off. All right, well, they can't all be gold. Because he's played by Tom Walker. Bobson, who's actually been there the entire time, goes, that was really well done, guys. You hear a voice from underneath a rock. That was really well done. I really appreciated how you all acted as a team.

Father, father, did you see me? Did you see me pick up the wolf and then shoot it in the head and then electrocute it, father? To be honest, I saw all of it, Lila, and I feel something inside me which I've never felt before. What did you hear? It's warm. It's warm? It's sunny.

It's sunny? It could be something close to pride, but I still feel physically sick. I'm not going to judge it yet, but I might judge it at the end of the adventure. You're unwell. We're making it all about you again, Dad, aren't we? Wow. There is a clang and a snap and you all look up to see that Jacob Undercourt has heaved himself up to the cage

and with his bare hands pulled the rusted chains apart, snapping the door off the cage as he delicately picks up the figure of Madame Drascor and does an unnecessary backflip as he lands down in the dirt. Yup. Ah, I'm sorry, I hope that didn't make you dizzy when I did the cool thing just now. Blah! Ah, and I did the cool thing just now. Blah!

And I burp her like a baby. Gently, though. I try and burp her like a baby, but I'm just putting my hand in wounds. I guess, because she's been fucked up pretty bad. It's true, she's covered in blisters, her skin is deathly white, and her voice is nothing more than a croak

as she looks at Undercourt. Makes no more of that. Makes eye contact with Undercourt for a second before she turns around, craning her neck painfully and she sees Bobby Pancakes turning back, are you? Yep. And beckons him with a gnarled finger to come closer. And I just put my finger on her chin

and gently move her eyes back to me. She's straining against you. But she's weak. No, no, no, no. She's weak as you force her to make eye contact with you again. There we go. And she says, my boys. Oh, she's delirious.

My boys. She looks incredibly ill. Something inside her has snapped long before you made it to the clearing. It's almost as if the five hours that you spent at Castle Ravenloft might have been better served by saving her, but here she is dying in front of you. Strahd was here. He came.

Rude man. Very rude man. Rude man. Very rude man. He does not understand what he does. She coughs and blood appears on her lower lip. I need that blood. She tries to slurp it back up.

Quick question, is she so far gone that a healing spell would... This looks beyond most magical medicine. There is something that is truly broken inside her. Would it help for me to take the blood in my mouth and then chew it up and put it like a baby bird? You can give it a go. Let me. Oh, that's gross. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

No, don't. That's no. Gwer. Okay. Stop. All better now. No, it's gross. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. No, don't. That's no. Queer. Okay. Stop. There. All better now. No, it's not.

All better. No, I did not. The color's returning to her face. I hated that. She doesn't know what she's saying. Prophecies are complicated, my dear stupid man. She's talking to you again Fuck off

Ask about the lodestone Do you know if Phil just trying to be sensitive But whispering very loudly Are you aware of the lodestone? Do you know its location? He has it And does not know what it does he'll bring it all back

she coughs again and then she still looking at you smiles and she pulls her hand her hand somewhere inside her high-necked dress and she pulls a chain that is around her neck and from that chain she pulls a single necklace and on that necklace you can see an arrowhead made of pure spellstone. As she pulls it off and wincing arthritically, she holds it out to you, Bobby. And she says, as with prophecies, with weapons.

And she looks at both of you and says, it pays to have a backup. And she smiles. I take it. My hand just follows seconds after. Okay, Bobby, you have one more spellstone arrow. I kiss her on the forehead, gently. And she smiles and she says, Sword of stone and heart of glass.

And then she smiles again and says, Oh, is it sword of glass and heart of stone? Prophecies are complicated. And then she dies. And one of the last true oracles of the Vulcan, with that beautiful link between the known and unknown, the dreamlike and the real, that link to old Barovia that once was,

before it was ruined by Strahd, dies with her and with her the hopes of a people that have hid too long in the old Svalich wood, whose days perhaps are numbered, for with the fall of the lodge there is no one left in Barovia to stand up against the wickedness of Strahd, he of the Zarevich family who destroyed his land, killed his brother, poisoned the love of his life and is now ready, poised at last, to lay ruin to all of the world known and unknown.

Such is the fate of lands already cursed when true heroes cannot rise to stop them, particularly when the heroes you get are such as the dragon. Friends, thank you! Particularly when the heroes you get are such as the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hinn. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Our special guest this week was Tom Walker.

Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this week's episode was recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney. Be sure to join us next time for the grand finale. Bobby Pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was he? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Way back when. He runs his papa's company. Dark Lord Strut. He's a very naughty man.

Finally together. The life of hope we call the Dragon Friends. Every time you go on like a word thing, I remember when you did warm up for that ABC word show. Yeah. And you were asking people what their favourite word was. Yeah, it was really bad because it was a bad show and they bust in a lot of senior citizens

because who can come to a show in the middle of the day? And I used to open with the same bit of gear every time that always fell flat. I was like, what's everybody's favourite word? Because somebody would be like, flutter or whatever but then once somebody was like i don't have a favorite word i was like really man and he was like i don't have a favorite word i think all words are equal and i was like really even pedophile and like and like the camera because when when you're doing warm-up in a studio,

they tend to just put the cameras on the people you're talking to. And like I looked up at the screen and like I hadn't noticed like looking at him like in person, but looking at the screen, he looked like a sort of like central casting like pedo too. So that was... Was that your last shift? That was one of my last shifts, yeah.