Dragon Friends - #6.20. Heart of Stone, Heart of Glass with Tom Walker

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

Prophecies are...complicated Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Three lost years were torn from time Outlaws cast by a foursome malign Field after the spirit runs plenty Dark land saved by a natural Twenty Where's Bestone? He was training in the jungle Bobby Pancakes

He was running with the wolves. Where was Beale? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Where's Banknog? He runs his papa's company. Dark Lord Strahd. He's a very naughty man. Finally together.

The life of hope we call the dragon. The tyranny of the vampire count, Strahd von Zarovich, has cast a black pail over the land of Barovia and few have fought him, save from those stout and brave rangers that were the Vulfin, formed once long ago by hunting lodges of old.

They have grown in secret, protecting their numbers deep inside the woods within a shadowy village known as the Lodge under the wise instruction and leadership of one Madam Draskob, who lived, it seemed, for an age, but at last has fallen in the hands of one of her proudest students, Grand Hunter Jacob Undercourt, long may he reign, may he never be forgotten, Court, under court, long may he reign, may he never be forgotten, who watched his teacher die and is even now holding her broken body amongst the burnt wreckage of their village with the wolfen gone,

with the nightclaws disbanded. It seems few are left to stop Strahd. Those few specifically are, of course, that motley crew of vagabonds and ragamuffins we call the dragon friends who are now alone amidst a burning village, wondering how they can stop Strahd. But alone, perhaps not as much as they think. For as they sit looking at the body of Madame Draskov a wind seems to blow through the ash and as one they turn their heads and

see beyond the Svalich woods on the foot of the Balinox figures walking towards them, first one then another then another until they seem like a stream 20, 50, 100 as they get closer and closer they see these figures are in fact

gentles of the resistance, that proud faction of aristos that has sworn to the service of Janos Myr through their lieutenant and leader who is at their forefront, Lothario Winswept III. Viva la dragon friends, foxtrot in the holes in his face. His eyes, his nose, his ears, and especially his mouth.

Still upsetting. Hi, I heard this song. I thought you might like it. It's being sung in the streets of Waterdeep even now. Oh, you're working really blue now, Lothario. Oh, it's how the song goes, you see. Oh, well, it's wonderful to see you. We all came because, well, there's nowhere else to go.

Wait, you guys are all just hanging out? Waterdeep has fallen. The Masked Lords have pledged allegiance to Strahd, who I just sang about before. You might know him from the song. You might know him from the song. You might know him from the song from before the one with the... Yes, yes. No, we ran into him earlier.

How did it go? How did it go? Sorry. His mouth, especially his mouth again. Interesting. Yeah. So... So, what's...

Everyone in Waterdeep is... The resistance is coming here. Well, then to Icewind Dale. It's our last stand. Icewind Dale? What's going on over there? Why, it's the end of everything, Filch. Well, I can't talk to you.

You're very dramatic. I need... Is there someone else? Oh, yeah, hi. Who are you? Mike. Mike. Filch.

This is Lionel. Hey. Lionel Banknote. I'm the... Lionel Banknote? Hey, Lionel. Mike. Filch. This is Lionel Banknote. I'm Lionel Banknote. Hey, Lionel. That's not right. I mean, technically, my name is fine. No, trust me.

Just let it go. Correcting someone on your name is so awkward. You're just going to want to let it go. I know. It's humiliating to have to do and then to go back to it again. Sorry, Jacob Undercount. Yeah, so like you're a plain talking kind of guy. What do you do for living?

Yeah, I just follow Lofty around and sort of get to the point. Great. Have you picked up the song that he could sing? What? Have you picked up the song that he sang? No. That's what makes me so great. I'm pretty immune to all this stuff. Mike, we need the facts.

All right, listen now. Waterdeep's fallen. The Masked Lords have sworn alliance openly to Strahd Von Zarevich. The whole city's in lockdown. Thousands are dead. We've come up here to fight Strahd once and for all. It's not going to be easy, but the remnants of the resistance are all gathering around the Red Run. Grundle's school has been recalled. She's on her way up.

Hell yeah. Did I miss anything? How's the king baby? Oh, he's great. Well, he lost the job. What? He was corrupt. Oh, no.

Yeah. The baby king was corrupt? Yeah. He was taking what sort of payments? He was taking... He was taking treats. It's called the Goo Goo Gaga scandal. Oh, no. I feel like Mike was just the facts for a while, but he's kind of coming off course.

It wasn't Goo Goo Gaga gate. It was Goo Goo... That's so much better. I'm a facts guy, not a jokes guy. That's one of the reasons why Lofty keeps me around. He goes on to explain that up and down the Sword Coast, cities have fallen one by one, proclaiming their allegiance to Strahd von Zarovich.

The Janos Mir and the Resistance are being persecuted, literally run underground, and they're all but perished. But some have made it out, and they are gathering, as Mike said, in Icewind Dale to the north in an area of land called the Red Run to make a final stand. Though the resistance of Waterdeep, the resistance of Candlekeep, the Grundle School, Lothario's Gentles, what is left of the Nightclaws will join them in one final stand

against Strahd Von Zarovich and his growing revenant army. Can I address the crowd? If you get there, you're in Barovia at the moment. Oh, you mean the crowd of students who just turned up? No, the crowd of the, yeah, the gentles who just turned up. Good gentles, may you feast your eyes upon the sight of your true leader. Great heart Bank note He is alive

Yes it is true Hush falls And we shall attack And there will be fear Not from us But by them In their hearts We shall I wasn't finished but I was gonna us, but by them in their hearts.

We shall... I wasn't finished, but I was gonna... Should I... Do you guys want to hear a plan or something? I wasn't sure if you were done or... I'm keeping my plan. It's just the last time you did a song, so I was kind of expecting... Oh, okay, here we go. You know what? I actually don't want to do the song because

you were actually kind of rude about it. I was being rude about it? What do you mean? I was just proud when someone walked in and started singing the song I'd sung in a cave. I'm sure it felt very good for you. I'm just saying, we've become accustomed to you doing songs. Why don't we all put up our hand if we want a song?

And then if we don't want a song, we can put up the other hand. And also, it can be anyone who sings the song. Maybe even, it could be, I don't know. I couldn't possibly, of course. But perhaps there's room for a vote. I'll hear a song. Oh, good.

So I've got the poem one, and should the prose one, what, Mike was your name? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd hear a song. Ooh, traction's gaining for a song. Give us a song! Oh, there's gaining for a song. Give us a song! Oh, there's... Let's ask the crowd. A song? Now, how'd I get myself here?

We cannot wait to hear your plan. Truly, this great hunter must have a wonderful plan to fight the evil stride. Okay, and Jacob claps his hands. You heard her, everyone. You can't wait to hear the plan, so we just got to get off and make it up as we go. All right, no one's buying that.

We want a song. We want a song. We want a song. You did this. We want a song. I want it to be playfully turned down. Well, well, well. I set myself up to fail.

I didn't want to succeed. I don't have any history with succeeding. You can still fail. For it seems that a hush has fallen on all of the soldiers of the gentles. that a hush has fallen on all of the soldiers of the gentles. And now you can see even a few of the lone surviving nightclaw rangers raised since young pups to look up to the inspiring words of Jacob Undercourt are already peeking through the wreckage

as out of nowhere Lothario pulls out a small pianola and begins to play. Yeah. Jacob Undercourt. What? Jacob Undercourt! Well, we've got a plan. I won't say it short. I think it's a plan that we won't abort. I'm Jacob Undercourt.

I'm going to lead you, and you, and you, and not you, you fucking little cunt. Sorry, I shouldn't keep my personal feuds out of this wonderful song I'm singing. Oh your ears, they are ringing with my beautiful song! Now the song's about singing a song and not so much about a plan But I'm sure that will change soon, reaching the top of my range! Ooh! Oh it's still about singing a song! soon reaching the top of my range. Ooh. Oh, it's still about singing the song.

Who knows how long a song can go for? Will we find out? Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Oh, then I'm just counting now. Bring me back again. Problem suck me off and then suck me off again. I'm looking to get some sweet head. Whoa.

I like getting sucked off. Won't you please suck me off? The night is black like a freaky god. Two months later. Two months later. Amidst the frigid waste of the Red Run. I'm just...

Just imagining the panic in Undercourt's eyes. You just can't stop. Failing performance roll after performance roll. All the students are just like... The unburied corpse of his mentor just behind him. So you're probably all wondering why I called you here today. As with the pre-show entertainment finish, Great Hard Banknote... Let's all give a round of applause to Jacob. Really wonderful stuff.

He's doing a tour next year. Great Heart Banknote is now dressed in a full military uniform, epaulets and medals, while all of the generals of the resistance, including you, the dragon friends, are seated in benches around him as he pulls down a map of the Dale. You may be wondering what kind of plan we have. Are we going to sneak? Are we going to attack? Jacob is loudly asking people

for feedback. We're going to go right in the middle. And we're going to attack. You're wondering why would we attack so forthright? Because that's what we want him to think that we're doing. As he says that he's indicating in the map where

you can see the vast encampment that contains not just the armies of strad but the feeble remnants of the spinalis plot controlled by commander brightwell recently deposed and disposed of by the dragon friends and now reincarnated as a whiteight. This is where Strahd's army stands, and scouts have reported that amongst that army they already see vast, eight-foot-tall figures that can only be revenants lurking in the snow. And how is Strahd going to summon those revenants? How is he going to control them?

Anyone? This is a question and answer. Anybody? The lodestone. Yes. Someone, one of you. Scissor, paper, rock. Who wants to talk? It was a lodestone. Yes. Someone, one of you. Scissor, paper, rock. Who wants to talk?

It was a lodestone. No, you go. You go. No, go. It's a lodestone. It's a lodestone. We both knew. We both knew.

Dad, I think it was the lodestone. Oh, they already said that. Very nice. Come on. The lodestone. And of course, when Strahd's using the lodestone, he will be particularly weak. He doesn't know that we know that, but we know.

So while we're riding right up the middle for the attack, dragon friends, you will go around the side, locate Strahd, and give him a walloping while he's weak as shit. So we're aiming to hit him in the widest part of the wolf. So the Nightclaw rangers, well, most of the Nightclaw Rangers, well, it seems that Jacob has been really fixating on the one song for the two months. Many of his remaining rangers have already identified a nethery spire to the northeast

where they believe Strahd has placed the lodestone that he has extracted from Icewind Dale. It is an ancient relic that requires vast quantities of psychic energy to control, particularly for one who is not trained as a Nethere's Magister. And to use it to summon armies will leave Strahd desperately weak. But armies he must summon, especially if his old nemesis is at the head of the army, none other than Great Heart Banknote. And I will be riding straight up the middle

and it might be a sacrifice. I might lose my life. I might not. Some of you may lose your lives. You may not. But know that we shall be doing it for a brighter future. A future where someone can stand up

and sing a song without being booed by a bunch of people. A song... I won't talk about it. Don't you fucking dare. Any sort of song. So see it within yourself to be strong. And with that, he snaps closed his cane

and as all of the resistance, Eleanor Grundle, Lothario and their people salute, Great Heart bows to them once and walks out of the briefing room. And when I say room, I mean tent, for all of the resistance is now here on this camp in the Red Run, desperately huddled together for warmth against all of Strahd's innumerable forces. Now, I was going to say, because this is what happens next,

that Jacob Undercourt takes Bobby aside. And I just entreat you, in the spirit of this is the finale of the podcast. It's not your podcast. We need to finish the podcast, so I'm throwing to you, Tom. But you have to stick to the plan. Okay.

Stick to the plan. It. Stick to the plan. It's kind of like how it's rude if you take a shit in someone else's house. Right? Not in the toilet. Jacob Undercourt looks at you, Bobby, beckons his finger and storms outside. He follows.

Bobby. Hey. You know, we've had a bit of a history together You and I Are you okay? What? What did you think about the song? Should I not be okay?

I thought it went okay I mean If by okay You mean that Everyone knows how much you love Sucking And being sucked then

that's okay and that's fine okay good well now we've got that out of the way listen as one multi-hyphenate to another

rogue and werewolf yours chosen one and rapper slash songwriter mine I just want you

to know that that little arrow you've got there is a valuable thing. And the last time you held one like that, you really fucked up. You missed. And I just want you to know that either this time you don't miss

or this time I will do it and I will hit because that is what I've been training to do for my entire life. I don't want us to be enemies, you know, this prophecy thing's gotten between us. I think a rising tide lifts all boats, what matters is the prophecy, blah blah blah. And also I've kind of got some other stuff I'm focusing on, so now the prophecy, I don't really mind if it's not me. But I need you to know that if you're not up to this, I can do it. And I know in my heart that I can do it.

As I look in your eyes, I see a beautiful, swirling nebula. And for a second, entranced by those eyes and that voice, I want you to be who you used to be. And I almost want to say, here, take the arrowhead. I want to say I trust you but I don't the nightclaw ranges

has been decimated and there are just a few of us left and you are a disgrace. Okay, you're using that words pretty strongly. I don't mind that you've got a side hustle. But you've made that everything now.

Where your people, everyone on Faerun should be your first responsibility. And pal, I'm here to help you, but you can't do this. But, if you want to help, like everyone else here, I'd love that.

Well then, a collaboration it is. Let's not call it that. You drop the beat, I'll drop the... No, I'm not gonna... No, that's what it is. As Jacob stalks away, Bobby is left alone.

Bobby, you pull out your small hand crossbow and you decamp from the bow a single quarrel, an arrow, and you carefully unscrew the arrowhead. And detaching the spellstone arrowhead given to you by Madame Draskov, you slot it into place and with a click reload your hand crossbow as Filge and Lion Shield and Banknote walk up out of the briefing. You guys ready for this? Yeah, I mean, me was, I had a little idea, maybe a little collab I could do with Jacob, but we can talk about that some other time. Yeah, me ready.

We can talk about that some other time. Yeah, me ready. This may be the craziest thing dragon friends have ever done. But it's got to be done. Guys, I'm here also. I just wanted to say that I'm not coming with you. I'm going to ride into battle. All right, sure.

All right, fine. We didn't discuss this, but you can see that Pumps and Dugnut is wearing a tiny breastplate and a helmet with one of those visors. And just imagine that every three seconds it accidentally clangs shut and he has to sort of pull it back up again. Sometimes when that happens, I think it's night time and go to sleep.

Bobson has been given the singular offer and the singular honour to ride with the vanguard, those first into battle. I put my hand on his shoulder. He falls over. I'm very, very top heavy currently. battle. I put my hand on his shoulder. He falls over. I'm very, very top heavy, Karen. I pick him up again and hold him by the head so he stays up.

And I say, go well, Bobson. We see you in this world or the next. I'd like to be in this world. Because we've seen you in other worlds. That's true. Might be a fun one. Yeah! We see you in like worlds, so... That's true. It might be a fun one. Yeah. We see you in, like, Lolly World.

Lolly World. Or Tree World, but all the trees are sticks. I don't... Yeah, all right. Lolly World sounds pretty fun, though. If things go bad... Are we exchanging speculative fiction ideas? Trees, but all the trees are sticks.

What if? No, no, no, no, no. We used up all the bullshit time with the suck-off song. Dave, Dave, I have a question. Yep. How many days after the dragon friends ride out of the Wolfen village does Baston regain consciousness? No, no, Baston is fine. Oh, he's okay. He came back. Baston regain consciousness? No, no, Baston is fine.

Oh, he's okay. He came back. Baston is injured. He has a new pretty scar. Okay, cool. But when I say actually a pretty scar, it's like acne scarring because it was mosquitoes. But it looks really good on him.

It looks really good. No one is... It's infuriatingly good on him. Somehow he makes it work. Yeah, it's like Edward James Olmos. The top of his... So it kind of reads as freckles. It just looks good. He makes it work. Yeah, it's like Edward James Olmos. The top of his... So he kind of reads his freckles. It just looks good.

He makes it work. Beautiful. He's found the beauty within it. Again, as per his teachings. Well, see you later, Bobson. Yeah, thank you, guys. You'll probably die, but... What?

What? It'll be cool. Just make it look cool. Bobson whistles as a miniature Shetland pony arrives in Warbarding. And he jumps on top of it and then canters away to join the vanguard. As he leaves Lion Shield, you can see just from a distance Great Heart Banknote standing with his men. There is a somber air,

as everybody knows that to ride with Great Heart Banknote is surely a suicide mission, for Strahd will stop at nothing but to kill his most hated enemy. Banknote's going to walk up to Great Heart. Father. Lai Lai. I guess this could be it. I mean, we might never see each other again.

And I just want to say, you know, good luck. Is there anything you want to say? Come here, Lai Lai. To me, perhaps? Can I embrace him? Okay, but I mean just verbally, is there anything you want to say?

Three words, maybe? Three simple words. Three simple words. Three simple words. Lie, lie. Okay, that's not one of them. If you keep interrupting me. Okay, I'm sorry. I love you.

And I thought it was really cool how you shot that wolf the last time in battle. That's cool, Dad. Kind of the fact that you said that actually makes your impending death a lot more meaningful. And I don't know how to process... Look at me in the eyes right now. No, I won't. Look at me in... Sorry, I'm actually talking as Michael Hing now.

I don't know how to process the emotions. Tom, it's quite a lot for me to... And having squandered that moment to say a last goodbye, Banknote hears the sound of the horns and with a crooked smile... That's my horn. ...affixes his family insignia and his cloak, grabs his helmet from a nearby table, puts it under his arm and walks out

to lead his men into certain death. Can I do one thing before I go? I rip the insignia off my cape and I fling it to Lila and say, you're Papa Banknote now. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And with Jacob leading the way, the dragon friends make their way through the ice of the Red Run, far to the northeast to a lost spire of Netheril.

Recovered from the ice, the way is treacherous and cold, but you are well provisioned. The way is dark and despairful, but you have hope burning in your hearts as you make your way to this, the fortress of strad von zarovich it is curiously unguarded it seems empty dormant no doubt the night claws have identified it without raising strad suspicions and he has not felt the need for strong defenses with crampons pitons grappling hooks and climbing gear you start to scale the side of the spire and on a low balcony, for as I said, it is buried in the ice,

you make your way into the spire. Now, can I ask who is leading? Everybody is back to full hit points, by the way. I would love to be in front as Jacob Undercourt, the protagonist of the story. Then make a stealth check for me. Okay. And it's a 10 plus stealth, which is, of course, plus three.

All right. So 13. Jacob Undercourt leads the way down corridors old and broken, but still illuminated by old Netheree's magic. Cracked drift globe sitting in sconces light your way as the dragon friends fan out behind you this is an old and dark plane of ice and sound carries well here and you can hear the sounds of battle joining in the distance though it has to be said you are leagues from the battle you can hear the

sound of your fellows meeting with strads chosen warriors as you make your way into the spire of netheril at after a moment you see jacob and undercourt standing by a closed door he signals to be quiet he has heard noise ahead. Okay, we're being quiet. Yeah, we're being really quiet. We're being really quiet. What do you hear? You are so bad at this.

You need to... I know that that's quiet compared to your regular speaking voice. Okay. But you, Baston... Me? Again. voice. Okay. But you, Baston. Me? Again. Make for me a stealth check, Baston. I'll speak stealthily from here out.

Twelve. Fifteen. Pretty stealthy, huh? Okay, make another stealth check for me. Plus nine. You hear a low stealthy, stealthy, stealthy.

I would say a grating, high-pitched laughter from the room. There is a glow and suddenly a mage hand, a spectral hand manifests in front of you and gives the door an almighty push as it opens to a vast

entire story. This entire level of the tower is one room dominated by two things, a giant monolith of spellstone with a pulsing crystal heart. And in front of it, a a high-backed throne and sitting on that throne is a figure dressed in silks and finery and i guess like a helmet with wires coming how do you think this works we didn't really yeah i think i mean i don't want to undercut this moment but i think it's not dissimilar to the hat that the riddler wears in the Jim Carrey Batman movie. Yeah.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is kind of, yeah, the Batman forever sort of. I guess he's- He's got wires on his head. It's magic. Yeah, it's magic, and it's plugged into the monolith. And the monolith, by the way, the pedestal, can I say, has had strange technomantic contraptions strapped all over it,

and it is pulsing in a sickly, unhealthy way. The heartbeat of the stone is erratic even, and as those pulses enter into the figure of Strahd on the throne, he winces a sickly sheen of sweat on his face. It seems that he is in tremendous pain, but he still has energy enough to laugh at all of you. Ah!

You fuckheads! Oh, you'll have to excuse me. I'm controlling an entire army with my fucking mind. Okay. You're excused. What are you doing with your fucking mind? Just standing there?

I'm staring at the man I'm going to kill. That's a 12 to fire the longbow, Dave. Okay. Undercourt quickly grabs his bow before anyone acts and fires a shot with a 12 plus 5 is 16 into Strahd who is sitting in his chair. It thunks into Strahd's heart and he gasps and steps forward, sits forward upright in the chair,

before he winks out of existence, and the mocking laugh seems to ring all around you as slowly a greater invisibility field is dispelled, and he stands still with his helmet just beside the throne. Ah! Right, so I wasted, I shot. Why aren't you fighting me? I've kind of got some stuff on, if I'm really honest.

I don't know if you've heard, but there's a gigantic battle going on. It was quite clever to come now, I'll give you that. It was a bit clever of you, but fuck off. And the battlefield, you can hear the sound here, perhaps magically augmented, because it seems you can hear the sound here, perhaps magically augmented, because it seems you can hear the sound of the battle very closely. And you can hear what seems to be the sound of vast war machines moving, spectral enemies engaging,

and it has to be said, the screams of good, honest men and women dying in battle. You have any idea how too late you are? You're too late by, I mean, not even, like, hundreds of years. You fucking idiots. I'm controlling a whole unstoppable army with my fucking brain. I'm the first gamer vampire. That's something to be proud of? Shut up!

Dave, is he still wearing the ring with the previous attempted arrow in it? Yeah, that's right. He's wearing a ring on his hand that has an arrowhead on it. While he's distracted, can I try with the Legitimate Phantasmal Hand to sleight of hand steal his ring? You can try. Strahd is an ancient and powerful beast. He's incredibly perceptive.

So make for me a stealth check. 14. 14. All right. You try to pull the ring short, and there's a clink as you hear the foundation of it break, as it snaps off from the ring, and emboldened, you try to tug it before you as he hasn't made eye contact.

As he suddenly snaps his hand in the air around holding on to the arrowhead before you can tug it towards you. You cheeky little bitch. Ah, Bobby Pancakes, the chosen one. Okay, and now just to backtrack there. Oh, I know all about you, mate. You see, I had a bit of a chat with old Drozkov before she, you know, before I left. Had a bit of a mind connection with her.

You know what I mean? I've read her mind is what I'm saying. There's nothing untoward there. But I know all about the prophecy. Yeah. Which one's it going to be? This is fun. And he takes out like a little hand crossbow

and he shoots Undercourt in the stomach. All right. He rolls attacks. That's a 19. Make for me a constitution save. All right. That's a nine. All me a constitution save Alright, that's a 9 That's a 9? Alright, that's not great

Plus 2, so it's 11 Alright, you fall to your knees As the veins in your neck start to pulse in a green, sickly, unhealthy way As you take 13 plus 9 11, so 24 hit points of damage Well, at least the worst is over Every round 9, 11, so 24 hit points of damage. Well, at least the worst is over. Every round.

Fuck off! No, that's fine. Undercourt falls to his knees. Now, who has the arrow? Still you, okay. Yeah. Bobby Pancakes, you may recall three years ago I offered you a deal. As he says this, he lazily turns around, having dispatched one of the two that the prophecy says can kill him, and he's pointing it at you a deal. As he says this, he lazily turns around, having dispatched one of

the two that the prophecy says can kill him and he's pointing it at you, Bobby. You know, I gotta be honest, that hurt. I offered you, I don't offer jobs often. I offered you to be my right hand man, my weird little fucked up guy, but

you turned me down. You might think I'm the sort of person that offers second chances. But I got something a bit more interesting. And he slams like a gem that's on his he's kind of next to his throne now.

He presses the button. Okay, so there is a gemstone indeed. It's ensconced in the hand of the throne and as he gives it a twist there is a gemstone indeed is ensconced in the hand of the throne. And as he gives it a twist, there is a panel that opens up behind the obelisk next to him. And you can see a figure in ragged robes. There's a clattering of chains as chains rise up out of the floor where they are cunningly concealed in the tile work and he gives them a almighty tug as a figure stumbles forward out of the oubliette inside his wall that figure is an emaciated man with a whispish beard and long black hair who looks starving sickly and in pain he is not a face that you recognize shit this isn't a face that you recognize yeah things have changed i guess i uh found him when i took over this place he wasn't

coping no food no arcane focus no way of using his precious little magic he was actually burning my spell books in the library for warmth that was was pretty rude. I'm a generous kind of guy. I made him a deal. Same one I offered you, Bobby. Same one you rejected. And then he takes the hand gun. He takes the hand crossbow,

loads a new bolt in it, and then dips it into a poison applicator on his wrist. And he throws the crossbow to the figure. He goes, oh, sorry, does anyone want to guess? Anyone want to guess who this is? Anybody? Nobody?

Jacob Undercourt. Is it Jacob Undercourt? 14 plus. Take another 19 points of damage. Oh, I hope it's Jacob Undercourt because if it's not and I'm Jacob Undercourt, Jacob Undercourt feels bad. What does this man look like? Can we roll a perception check?

You can make a perception check. Make an insight check for me. You can see the person. Whoop, off the table. That's probably not good. Yeah, no. Uh, 15. 15.

Uh, 8. 14. 14. They figure there is something intensely familiar about them, but they are not, it doesn't, like I said, it's a human man, emaciated and ragged that you don't think you've seen before, but you have a strange and compelling sense of deja vu.

I'll give you a hint, he fucking hates you. Maybe, actually, he's the only person in the world who hates you more than me. But. Jacob. Jacob. Jacob Foster. You there. Speak for yourself instead of this foul, fetid,

and frankly, at the best of times, a five of a vampire. Oh, um, hello. What have you guys got there? Is that a little... Is that a replacement for me that you've got? That's cool, isn't it? Huh. No, look, I don't think of myself as your replacement, really. I don't.

Honestly, I think of myself more as just a person who's joined them, hanging out. I mean, sorry, who? I mean, if I had to guess, you look possibly Chinese. I don't quite know. Don't. That's a gamble you don't want to make, friend.

How quickly little banknote has become his father. Now his hands are chained. He is chained to a leash held by Strahd, but in this figure's hands, he is holding this poisoned crossbow. As Strahd turns to in this figure's hands, he is holding this poisoned crossbow.

As Strahd turns to look at him again. Alright, spoiler alert, you know the deal, Friso. Oh, Friso! Friso! Friso? Oh, me thought it was just some Chinese guy. I did not think that. I didn't know,. I didn't know.

I just didn't know. Bestone doesn't see race. No, he doesn't. Absolutely not. Bobby. Everyone did. I look at Friso. Where is he placed in between Strahd and us?

To the side. Right. About ten feet of chain separate him and Strahd. If you are Friso, when I died, what did I say? What was the magic word? I actually do remember this one. You said, and I remember this because it was so dumb. You said, fuck-a-sucker-ding-dong from memory.

You said fuck-a-sucker-ding-dong from memory And it turned out the reason I didn't die when I said that And you did was because I was actually a god But you didn't know that at the time and neither did I I didn't know that No I found out afterwards These guys told me They told me everything that happened

They told me the choice that they made Let me tell you I've been through some pretty wild stuff recently. Oh, say one thing. There was like nine months where I looked like Tilda Swinton, okay? I had snail stalk eyes coming out of me. There was like a week where I was being chased by bees for no good reason other than I was trying to get a potion to so a wizard would teach me how to use a book to get back here to find you and instead what happened was that book

I think I had to trade to a banker so he could take care of a feather which my other fucking friends have gone and stolen I imagine. Freezer! What sorry yeah sorry what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that all that stuff happened to you. I know why those guys did it. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't fair. Yeah, well, I was locked away in a prison for, I thought it was 16 years,

but apparently our timelines match up now, so... Look, this is all very, very touching and canonical, but... Freeze-O-Freeze-Officerson, you know the deal we made. Kill Bobby, break the prophecy, you and I are going to run this fucking place. If you... What, if I kill you what? If you want to kill me, do it with your bare hands. Be a fucking man.

If you think you can kill me, do it with your bare hands Be a fucking man If you Think you can kill me Do it with your bare hands Come here Put your hands Around my neck Okay okay There's nothing in the rule book That says a dog

Can't play basketball As they say I'm Jamie Stroud Let's do this Stroud looks at you And again with his Spectral magic Hand

He Unlocks the The granicles that fall and clatter to the ground. You are free, Friso. I put the crossbow down by my feet. Oh, don't. Friso's going to wander up. What are you doing with the crossbow in your hand? I'll put it down as well.

All right, they're both on the flagstones as you walk towards Bobby. Can I pick up the one that he put down? I don't think we should have crossbows lying around with our special weapon. They really hurt when you step on them too. They're like Legos. I will let you do that

if there is a moment where enough attention is on the two of them. Okay. Just because of that, Frieza's going to hold his crossbow with his hand away from the trigger so Bobby can see that, like, and he's like, okay, I'll just take them and I'll put them over here. So he's going to grab both crossbows and take them out of the fighting ring.

Well, now he's got two crossbows. So it's all fair. All right, everything's fair. The crossbows are going out of the fighting ring Bobby you stupid piece of shit You place them next to the obelisk Which is again humming erratically Or do you?

Hang on No maybe you don't You now have both the crossbows Two crossbows And then Frieza's gonna Walk He's just gonna look at Bobby And just go Okay, yeah. And then Freezer's going to walk. He's just going to look at Bobby and just go,

Never forget what I've done for you. And at that moment, Lion Shield Banknote, who has been holding his turn, Dave. This feels like World of Warcraft. This feels like you're breaking the terms of service of World of Warcraft. Yeah, I'm multi-boxing D& turn, Dave. This feels like World of Warcraft. This feels like you're breaking the terms of service of World of Warcraft. Yeah, I'm multi-boxing D&D, Dave. Banknote is going to try and grapple Strahd with the crab.

All right. Wait, what? All the stealth checks that we took, Banknote was in the crab? Yeah, well, we failed all the stealth checks, Dave. What do you think? I just feel like everyone would have brought it up. Popping up the tiny stairs.

It's like those tiny felt stickers on the bottom of each of those. It's been two months. You have a chance to use your Artificer powers. If you want, then he has given himself kind of exoskeleton grappling arms, but you don't have the banknote apparatus. Okay, he's going to try Plus two. He's going to grapple Strahd. So Lion Shield banknote charges forward

towards Strahd and tries to grapple him. 18 plus 2 is 20. Oh my god. Mr. Octopus is killing it. 20, unfortunately. 21. Strahd Von Zarovich, challenge rating 15, is strength 18, and he easily grabs Banknote, pivots around on the spot,

and smashes him against the pillar. That's a 9 plus 9, 18. Does that beat... What, his armor class? His armor class. His armor class is 10, Dave. Okay, so while... No, no, no.

Consequences first, first please so you take bank note takes 18 bludgeoning damage plus another 12 um necrotic damage okay 13 okay cool as he smashes with um and pain against the obelisk which seems to shudder and crunches to the ground as Strahd spins and shouting, cursing your name, Friso. And then while... No, Friso hasn't done anything yet. Why would he be cursing Friso? Oh, he doesn't know your multi-mark sing. Yeah, come on, play D&D, Dave.

These two characters don't know each other, Dave. They just happen to be... All right, what does Friso do in perfect synchronicity while Banknote attacks? While Strahd is turned around against... and distracted by... by Banknote, Friso's going to fire the crossbow at Strahd's head.

I'm a class 16. Which crossbow? The special one. That's an... They're both special. What's the attack? You've got to go all 17 or higher. No.

All right, you grab the shot, and it pings onto the throne as Strahd turns, cursing your name, Friezo. You low dog! This is... I'm fucking done with you people! And as that, he reaches forward and slashes at you. And for a second, you see a shadow of his wolf form as he runs towards you.

But Pulsar 1 and misses and stumbles to the ground, momentarily distracted. That was embarrassing. Phil, cheer up. I leap on top of him and I smash the back of his head in with Thunder's Wake. Please, in an angry fashion. Great. Make your attack. Armaclass, 16.

One of them hits. Okay. Yep. One hit. And I got 12. 12. A laughing. He rolls easily aside under your mighty attack.

This is, again, one of the last true legends. A legendary creature, Strahd von Zarovich. Jacob Undercourt, make for me another constitution save. Oh, no. That's a seven plus two. That's a nine. As you take 29 hit points and start to die. I am starting to die.

Bobby Pancakes. I'm going to cast Mind Spike on Strahd, hoping that in his weakened condition it will make the attack. What's the DC, sorry? 14. 14. He rolls a 17 and laughs, turning. I'm going to attack with my action and use my bonus action to spend a key, taking the dodge action so he's got disadvantage to hit me. Go for it. What's his armor class?

The armor class is still 16. Yeah, two hits. Doing 11 and 7 is 18. 18 points. All right, so you're hurting him. You're making an effect, although you can see that he seems to have some kind of resistance. Half the damage doesn't seem to do anything. Dave, I'm just going to quickly, as a bonus action, we'll have dashed to the throne

where the quarrel fell. You run forward to the throne. He tries to slash at you, but rolls a two and misses. He's still on the ground. He's still slightly distracted. Now, Flappy, you never de-summoned. Is that correct? Yeah, that's right. He's still here. Well, that gives Flappy can have an action. I yell to Flappy,

Flappy, get the helmet off his head! Alright, boss. Alright, Flappy can have an action. Well, I yell to Flappy. Flappy, get the helmet off his head. All right, boss. All right, Flappy, make for me. I'll make it for you because you're otherwise gainfully employed as a pianist. Bobby yells out, if you take the helmet off his head, he won't have his psychic power funneled into the machine. He will be stronger. Let's hope he can grip with those timberlands on.

Quickly make for me a roll. This is Flappy's next area. Wait, so you're saying don't do it? I'm saying no, don't do it. Flappy is already diving towards Strahd. Quickly roll for me a d20, add 2. 13. Strahd

rolls a 14, unfortunately, and grabs Flappy by the neck and smashes him down in an incredibly distressing way on the arm of the throne. Flappy fails his constitution save and with a upsetting thunk

falls and slides down to the side of the throne, injured, incapacitated, or possibly worse. You weren't using that bird, were you? Yes, I was using it to try and get you! Well, fuck you! Oh, I'm going to fuck you so bad, Strahd Banzarovich! I'm going to fuck you in all the holes that you have! Okay, all right.

Line, shield, and free zone. Okay. Is Strahd still within touching distance of Lion Shield? He is. Oh, no, no, no. He's not. So Lion Shield,

actually make a perception check for Lion Shield. Yeah, 18. Okay, Lion Shield is slumped at the foot of the obelisk and as you look up, your head ringing, your eyes spinning,

you can see that the pulsing is becoming ever more erratic as more and more energy is pulsing into the helmet of Strahd von Zarovich. What does that mean? It's all right. Just do whatever you wanted. Okay. He is going to... Oh, here's what he's going to do Friso's going to make a

Did Bobby pick up the arrow? Nah Bobby has He's just grabbed the arrow He's holding the arrow Okay so Friso is now within Reaching distance of Strahd I mean sorry Is Lionbeard's shield banked out

Within reaching distance of Strahd No he's been thrown against the obelisk He'll have to run towards him Okay Lion's shield As if overcome by a certain force, is going to run towards Strahd and says, I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

And he's going to try and grapple him and get the ring. He wants the ring. You seem much less invested in banknote survivability since Freezo came back. Make for me a grapple check. Suddenly got very brave. Against a vampire count. You're running him out into the road to fucking take down a

truck. Like, uh. Strength. Plus two because of your 19. Alright, 19. You roll and you grab and you manage to pluck out of his hand the arrowhead, which you now have, but he slashes back at you with his attack of opportunity and rolls a 19, meaning that banknote takes another 8 plus 5 is 13 necrotic damage plus another 11 slashing damage as you fall back,

crimson blood bursting through your cravat and waistcoat. I died, a good boy. He says, taking fatal damage, etc. So you're starting to die? Yeah, sure, but... Oh my god.

You're just starting to die. You don't need to die immediately. You have three death saves. He takes the arrow and jabs it into his own neck. This voice is difficult to do for a whole season. No, he, with his dying breath, he sort of like, he actually starts to die. I'll come, I can kill, it's fine. He's my character.

And he flings the arrow back to Friso, who's got the crossbow. Okay, make a death save for me. Oh, fuck. No, that's a four. Okay. It's Strahd's turn. He makes two attacks, one bite attack and one slashing attack. They automatically hit because you're incapacitated as he stands grabbing Lion Shield by his cravat

and smashing him against the obelisk again. And again, make two more death saves for me. That's another four. Okay, we'll take a second for the third one because if you fail three death saves in a row, that means you die. So one more roll. That's a nat and fucking 20.

All right, that's a try, let's go. Phil, cheer up. What's the... How do you get him? Oh, God. I'm going to... Again, so just to paint the room, there is the throne,

there is the obelisk, he's wearing the helmet. Now the different arrowheads are both in Bobby's hands, dying, desperate need of stabilisation. One's in Friso's hand. Friso's got one, Bobby's got one. In desperate need of stabilisation are two figures, Jacob Undercourt bleeding out,

Lion Shield Banknote bleeding out. We don't know how to do that stuff. I do Healing Word. Okay, on which one? On Lion Shield. Okay. Duh. Undercourt sees you do it.

That makes sense. You're stabilised at one hit point. Oh, no, I haven't had my go. I'm going to try and smash the lodestone with my maw. All right, you run forward. Make a strength attack for me. I'm still angry. You have advantage as well because of your rage, yes, on strength checks.

On strength checks. Okay, that's a 19 is my highest. There is a huge smash and a crack appears in the lodestone as Strahd shrieks in pain as a bolt of energy hits into his helmet and fritzes as he takes 11 plus 14 is 25 plus 33, 39 points of damage as he shrieks and is driven to his knees. Don't do that! How do you like that brain zap, Strahd? I don't like them at all!

All right, make for me another constitution save, Undercourt. All right, that's a 15. All right, make for me another constitution save, Undercourt. All right, that's a 15. All right, you have enough energy, even though the poison is causing through your veins, that you overcome your pain for a second and can perform an action. Cool, I'm going to knock an arrow into my longbow, and I'm going to... I'm training it on Bobby, just for a second,

and then I'm going to just move it over to the obelisk, and I'm going to try and shoot at the crack that Phil just made in the obelisk. Alright, that's a hard shot to make. That's an AC 20. That's a 16 plus... Plus 6 is a 22. So that's a 22. There is another... Well done. There is another crack that is

18, that is 24, that is another 29 points of damage. What did I say about doing that? Baston. Baston is going to use Step of the Wind to fly across the room and just beat the shit out of The Rock with his fist.

Oh my god. It's like you lost a game on Xbox Live. Throwing his many magical swords aside, Baston runs forward in fury eat fist rock oh boy yeah I hit

I get a 20 yeah 20 hits yeah yeah yeah and I do oh 4 8 damage but with fury

with fury with great fury hang on let me just check alright unfortunately Baston is punching a stone and it's very impressive as he performs his kata

but it is not quite enough and that means that it is Strahd's go again Billy Bastogne is punching a stone. And it's very impressive as he performs as Carter, but it is not quite enough. And that means that it is Strahd's go again as he walks forward. He gets up in pain, turning with fury in his eyes. What do you do, Ben? You guys want to see something cool? No. Not really.

Where are you going to sit? Absolutely not. And can he do this? Can he show them what's happening on the battlefield to sort of try and demoralise them? All right, yep. He's got his big video screen. He's got like a... Yeah, he takes out his clicker.

Thank you all for coming to my fucking TED Talk! Using ancient scrying magics that he has uncovered inside these Netherese ruins, he blasts an image in front of you, filling up the entire wall behind you, and you can see a bird's eye view of the Battle of Red Run. You can see now that the armies of Strahd and the resistance seem almost evenly matched

certainly when you add the tenacity of those fighting for the freedom of those still free but amongst the enemy huge eight foot tall revenant walkers are wading through the Resistance ranks. And as they do, doom comes with them. As you watch, one of them picks up Janos Myr and throws him over the army while Banknote arrives.

A stride, the Banknote apparatus that Banknote had gifted to his father for this battle. Are we allowed? No no he hadn't alone undefended defenseless i believe he's on a regular horse on a regular horse and as his son does not give back the war machine that is his birthright and as you watch another one of the Thalud, the Faceless, the Revenant Walkers, picks up its mighty hammer and smashes Great Heart Banknote off that horse. And he collapses in a red thud with blood on the snow. All around him, death and despair as the Resistance army begins to break. What do you think of that, cunt?

You son of a bat. That's the worst thing you can say to a vampire. And I think Filch would just, filled with rage, just try and grab him by the neck and slam him up against the obelisk. Okay, throwing Thunder's Wake aside, you grab him, make a grapple check for me. He rolled a 14.

Well, I rolled more than that. Now, what do I add for that? You add just your strength, so it's plus six. I rolled 16. 16. You grab Strahd Von Zarovich and you thump him against the chipped and broken obelisk. And there is a huge burst of power that runs forward.

And everybody in the room, including those dying, unfortunately, takes 17. Another 24 points of damage. As I believe you begin to die, Banknote takes another death check. Everybody else takes 24 points of damage. Oh no. If he stabilized with the nat 20 and then got healing wounds wouldn't he have hit points now? Yeah, you would have the healing words hit points which is

about 9 hit points so you start to die again. But Strahd is hit as well and the crack grows in the side of the obelisk as it begins to hum and Strahd's mocking laughter turns to concern as he tries to crane his neck, restrained as it is by Filger's meaty fist. Uh, you're gonna want to let me fix that.

You're gonna want to let me fix that, guys. I understand the whole mortal enemy thing, but in the interest of everybody, you're gonna want to let me go. Why? Because you don't want that thing to break. You just want it for power. It probably doesn't...

If it's shattered, then no one can have power and we'll all have an equal playing field. I don't think that's how it works. I've been doing some research. I'm not shitting you guys. I don't think they're meant to break. Filch, this is a once in a lifetime moment. For a moment, you have stride.

Legendary vampire count at your mercy. It's up to you. What do you do next? I say, well, let's find out. And I smash his skull against the lodestone. The crack opens as bright blue light shines forth blinding all of you momentarily

as figures spring up ghostly and apparitious like of cowled old figures as a melodic voice rings out in, it has to be said, a dead language yet magically enchanted so that all nearby can hear.

And although you do not know the words, you know the sentiment as the voice says, fail safe activated. Oh boy. Scanning, scanning. Nethere's empire in peril. Resetting core parameters. And the room starts to spin around you as you find yourselves frozen in place. Strahd's panic turns into a grin as he begins to laugh as more and more power spills out of the broken obelisk, you see his skin, his eyes, his energy, his entire being beginning to

tessellate and break apart as in your hands he disintegrates before your eyes. But his eyes, as they disintegrate, are still mocking, laughing as the room continues to spin. And all of you present, Jacob, Undercourt, Banknote, Frizo and all are spun back year after year. First one, then two, then 10, then 100, 1,000 years back into the past. The Nethere's empire's final fail safe, the final grand design of their magisters

that would protect their empire through all that may depose it is allowed one last chance to set things right, return that glorious empire to the heyday of their power and 1,000 years ago, provide them a chance to set things right, return that glorious empire to the heyday of their power, and 1,000 years ago, provide them a chance to undo history, break what was done, and take conquerage. Once more, of these forgotten realms,

the dragon friends may have defeated Strahd, but they have brought back a power more evil and sinister than any that they have ever faced, and now will live to turn the tale 1,000 years into the past where they will now begin their journey once again unknown, penniless and unfriended with each other and naught that know their name. Thank you!

Big hand of applause for a season through 2020, the weirdest and most fucked year of all, for Michael Hing, Alex Lee, Ben Jenkins, Tom Carty, Tom Walker, Aidan Lacey,

and Simon Greiner. Dave Harbour! Dave Harbour! Lacey and Simon Greiner A huge thank you to the Vanguard staff what an awesome venue Shakira Khan our producer up the back our editor is here tonight everyone thank you so much

Goodnight Everyone, thank you so much. Goodnight! Goodnight! Goodnight! Can we cut forward not two months, but just like a week later when Undercourt has to give a public apology? So everyone, thank you so much for coming here today. Obviously, Jacob has a lot of things he wants to say to everyone, and obviously he's going to speak very forthrightly. There will take some questions at the end, but please be respectful of his privacy during this time. Again, I don't know why there's a back and drag

Cos that makes me want to sing about one thing And that's getting sucked off And sucky enough I've had two weeks to grow And now don't you know This is a song about sucking off and getting sucked off I like to suck off and get sucked off Seven weeks later

Okay, thank you for coming again everyone Seven weeks later. Yeah. Okay, thank you for coming again, everyone. Our good friend Jacob has had some time to process and he got something he wanted to share with you. Now, obviously, the last apology didn't go so well So I've sorted out another one And I'm pretty confident that this one will go well But you know what, now I'm up here What the hell, this is a song about getting sucked off

I've got a load, don't you know Oh, I'd love you to swallow my freaking load. Won't you put it in your mouth and swallow, make it go down south. I pick up their pianola and smash it against the wall. No more singing! It's so good that you made sure Tom was coming tonight, Dave. Really good. Anyway, how much more time do you have in your little finale?