Dragon Friends - #7.01. Canadian Death

Episode Date: February 18, 2021

It Has Been...or rather it was one thousand years ago, and the Dragon Friends find themselves in a brand new age. How will The Dragon Friends place themselves in this new world of floating cities and feats of unimaginable magic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

They stop stride from committing an evil crime Nice one guys! But in the process they walk Send back to time! What should they do? Who should they kill? Probably someone innocent They've got to travel back through time

Something to mine through time Friendship is forever Friendship never ends It doesn't matter what time you're in You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. Picture, if you will, the vampire Strahd standing his back against the lodestone. Trust me, my friends, you don't want to know what happens if this thing breaks as Filch the half-orc leans in closely and says

let's find out together. A smash, a crack, the lodestone is shattered, stride is no more, and lo, time begins to unwind. Slowly at first the lodestone begins to stitch itself back together as spent ammunition flies from the floor back into quivers and pouches. Then quicker and quicker as a montage of ever-escalating, rewinding time. Freezo, you catch glimpses of your lonely solitude. Bobby, you and Nikki stalking backwards through the snow. Bastogne, you smell Chilton's spice and summer. Filge, for a fleeting second, you see your brother

Dilge's panicked, trusting face. And then everything goes to white. The city of Waterdeep is the jewel in the crown of the Sword Coast, a thriving metropolis of commerce, learning and intrigue, but all of its advances would pale in insignificance alongside the many wonders and marvels of that old high empire of Netheril. You see, 1,000 years ago, the Arcanists of Netheril studied forbidden magics, raised up whole cities in the sky before breakfast each morning, performing feats that would make a modern mage blanch in terror and envy. Such was their pride, such was their power, the greatest and most golden age of civilization until the terrible and sudden fall of Netheril that marks the start of what historians would call the second age of ruin.

Now our friends, the dragon friends, for all their adventures, know little more of Netheril than what they have heard in stories and fairy tales. And yet you're about to become a lot more acquainted for as your eyes swim into focus, you can see that lodestone now in front of you that was smashed, made whole again, and somehow new. The yellow and grime of the age is gone from its surface,

making it look as if it was carved only yesterday as your eyes take in a desk scattered with intricate looking mason's tools. I'm sorry, I'm getting a lot of messages from Tom Walker. Anyway, the lodestone dominates a curious looking room, benches and desks surrounded. There's a door to the east and the slumped figure of a woman in a white coat. A gnome seemingly dead on the floor beside you.

Your eyes readjust. Banknote and undercourt slump forward. Their wounds as mortal as they were just moments ago. Despite the fact that a thousand years has passed, you have to stop messaging me. Put it on to stop messaging me put it on

silent day put it on silent thought it was on silent it's meant to be on silent and otherwise the room seems empty lily lily wake up are you okay little fella i think he's not he's not he's not responding you're not responding to me undercercourt and Jacob Undercourt, the Nightclaw Ranger, and Lion Shield Banknote, the Asima Artificer, who fought with you so bravely last season, were both wounded in the last battle. What does Lion Shield Banknote have on his body, Dave? Okay, well...

Again, this is not technically your character, Hing. This is a man with his own agency, but he is wearing... But he is unconscious. But he's unconscious, Dave. So what's he going to do to stop me from looting his body? He has an exoskeleton crab mech, doesn't he? Oh, yeah. Can I take the crab mech, Dave? The crab isn't there.

His gauntlets, his electroshock gauntlets are there. His artifices pistol, I suppose, he has. You're already writing it down, so. He does have the, he has his, at the Battle of the Red Run, his father gave him the crest of the family banknote to hold with him. I'll take that. I step in front of banknote's body. As you do.

Nobody has said he's dead. He's for now stabilised, breathing shallowly. There is also a heavy coil of coin by his belt. Not all of his money, but quite a lot. What the fuck? Phil steps by the body. Freezo Freezopherson. What?

What? You haven't changed? I haven't. I mean, you look very different. Yes, I might be Chinese now. But that shouldn't... I'm still the same guy. What? What?

Do you think I'm different now that I'm Chinese? Bilge. Bilge, do you think that defines a person? Yeah, I don't know. He thought he is a trustworthy fellow. I don't know why I thought that. I thought, this guy has kind eyes. Friso, you can't do this.

Banknote is... He a dragon friend. More than you. But look... I'm sorry. Hey, well, let's not. I... What we're doing here, we don't know where we are. But look, I'm sorry. Hey, well, let's not. I can...

What we're doing here, we don't know where we are. We're in danger, right? We can all see we're in danger. We're probably in some fucking world that someone's come up with. Honestly, that is sometimes how I feel. And look, look, he's unconscious. Who knows when he's going to be back, right? And all of his stuff, it's just lying there.

It's not useful. But if I take it, I can use it to help us. Hey guys, bad news. I know where we are. We're dead. This is the afterlife. We all died and this is heaven or hell, probably hell. You're all here.

Hooray! Well, I'm glad we're together. What does it mean if someone is dead in hell? Double dead. Double dead. Is that like double denim? Like it's quite unfashioned, it'll be dead in hell? It's called Canadian death.

And if you are in hell, as I said, despite the bodies of those that you brought with you, there is another body in the room. There's a gnomish woman in what looks like a kind of white gown or coat. She has a white scarf over hair peppered with grey and large wire-framed glasses. And at first you thought she was dead, but now you can see that she is also breathing

and looks like she is just unconscious. Which of you has a religion that has a god like this? Can I go look at the woman? I've got medicine. Can I try and medicine her? Absolutely. Why don't you make a medicine check for me? Medicine. Sixteen. Okay.

Bastogne walks forward and with surprising grace and tenderness applies smelling salts that none of you fuckers knew he had inside, I suppose, an arm band. A little for you, a little for me. You know the point of smelling salts is that they're like so pungent they make... It's in a quiet taste, but if you have enough time... And she starts to cough and awake.

Pretty good, huh? And she's like still kind of coming to. She's not really verbal at this point. She seems kind of dazed. And she gets up. She's standing in front of these, as I said, these circle of benches and the pillar stone as the jewel at the centre of the circular

room, standing inside a kind of sconce that has been designed for it, made out of metal. I've got some bad news. You're double dead. And she looks at the lodestone and she looks at the four of you and

the others around. The other two of you. The other two of you who aren't vertical. And she says, holy freaking Julie, it works! And then becomes unconscious again. I don't think we're in hell. And I don't think we're in heaven. And the reason I know that, and you're not going to believe this,

is that I have spent quite a bit of time in both of those places. So I think we are, my original hypothesis, we're in a place some guy made up that stands. Well, is there a window? When you say a place that some guy made up, I suppose a room is a place that someone made up. Dave, everything starts in our imaginations, don there a window? When you say a place that some guy made up, I suppose a room is a place that someone made up. Dave, everything starts in our imaginations, don't you know? Dave, is there a window?

There are no windows. There is a door to the west. I open the door and I yell, Where are we? When are we? Who is that? What's going on? Good, good, good.

And your voice rings out through copper-lined corridors that seem to spread out. Also, you're buffeted by a pleasant breeze as if there is air travelling through. The air is quite fresh. This looked like you were deep inside a compound and yet the air seems very lively to you. Say the copper-lined?

That would be so expensive. I am going to, just to see what happens, I'm going to put on the gauntlet and I'm going to shock the wall. I thought you were going to say, I strip the copper. I mean, what's it worth in this world, Dave? Is it

expensive or not? I don't think you know which world you're in just yet. I know a guy off the New Jersey Turnpike who'll give you a really good price. I'm going to shock the wall and see if any lights go on or anything. Okay, you grab your mechanical electro... When I say yours, I really mean Lion Shield banknotes.

Yeah, but they're really the same character. And it's on his sheet. It's on his sheet. It's on his sheet. And you press your hand onto the wall and an arc of power thrums down the corridor and the lights do seem to wink before stabilising it. You haven't destabilised it, but the light globes that are ensconced through it,

and there are globes of what seem to be a kind of electric filament light, all wink in and out before re-arriving. Shall we head down the passageway? Before we do that, David, how much does it fuck things up if Bobby casts Healing Word on Banknote? Why didn't you try? Okay, I try. You fucked it up. Oh.

Wait, what? I'm sure I had a crest of my family and some coins on me. Those are the only two things I'm annoyed about not having. Wait, so Banknote has decided that his lethal weapon Friso can have. What lethal weapon? I've got some sort of amnesia. I certainly don't remember having an artifice, a pistol or gauntlet shocking gloves. As he says this, he tries to get up before a wave of nausea and blood comes out of his mouth. Oh, that's all the blood I drank before.

Oh no, oh no. As he slumps back into the ground and Val is looking at all of you and for that is her name and she grabs, this is the small gnomish woman, she walks up to a bench and quickly starts scribbling notes down in a notebook.

And she says, nobody talk! Nobody talk, Nobody talk! I know it! I know who you are! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! I love a guessing game. I love to guess! You are from the future, obviously.

I know that because you came out of the lodestone and it works. I'm very clever. You are high mages of the Netheril Ninth Age. What the fuck? I did not say talk and going, ooh, it's kind of like talking. Okay, you are young adventurers of the Netheril Fourth Empire? Doesn't matter. None of this matters. All that matters is that it works. Empire?

Doesn't matter None of this matters All that matters is that it works Do you know how many of these I've set up I've primed, I've activated And then nothing I just go home and I feel real bad about myself I think, oh, nothing's going to come of this You know, this afternoon I was like

Maybe I'll just give it up And, you know, like, become a Like a haberdasher. That was like my thought. Can I grab her mouth? Yep. And yell into it. Where are we?

When are we? Who are you? What's going on? That seems to calm her down. And she nods and tries to, with her hands, suggest to you that you should release her lips. You must be very disoriented. I understand. I am so sorry.

My name is Val. You are in the Netherese Empire. In the year... It's so funny. We had, like, pages and pages of fucking notes about it. We didn't decide what year it was. Four. Four.

1,397 Dale Reckoning, go on. You are in year four. We reset the calendars four years ago because of a typo. A lot of people thought it was going to be the end of the world, and they kicked up a right stink, and look at them now. That's the wrong year. What? That's not the year that it is.

Why, just yesterday it was... All of the dragon friends, you all come from a period of time called the Third Age. You probably come from a year none of you have cared until now, and it is frankly unfair of you, seven years in, to ask me what year it is at this point. Are you saying our characters didn't care what year it was?

I mean... We've got a lot going on. It was the Third Age. You live in the Third Age. Dave, I've got a question for you. What year is it where we are now? Dwayne, I was about to get it wrong. Of course.

This is the year 400 and... 93. 93. Dale Reckoning, you idiot. You must tell me what year did you activate the lodestone? This is the year four hundred and... Ninety-three. Ninety-three. Day of Reckoning, you idiot. You must tell me what year did you activate the lodestone? Ooh. Ooh.

Um, we want to say 1493. One thousand years! That's neat. But of course, with all these things with prophecies and with science, they all mix together and have a lovely little smooch Oh my goodness I know you have lots of questions And we have lots of questions for you

But first we must go Your friends I will tend to them I am not a medical doctor I have a doctorate In what? In um Is it performance studies? It is in performance studies.

It is in chronomancy. You have a doctorate in chronomancy. And performance studies. I have an undergrad in chronomancy. But then I got more and more. And first of all, I thought I would do performance art, but I would do a minor in chronomancy, but I got into it and I started to do night courses.

Really a beautiful, inspiring teacher. Are you aware of Comedia dell'arte? It's basically some bullshit. And it's incredible. You hobble around going, Vicky, Vicky, boo! Hey, Alfonso, hold up my pie! So, just to be clear,

a thousand years in the past, from where Dragon Friends was set, they had Comedia di Latte. Yes. Very similar to what would come about... I'm going to hold you up there, Hing, because as I said, the Netherese Empire was a golden age of learning,

so the pinnacle of... Oh, they have Comedia di Latte then. of... Oh, they have comedian Delancey then. All... I've got a big nose and a tiny dick. All you studies too. Anyway, yes, I'm a chronomancer. It means I do funny things with time. And I'm also a performance artist.

It means I do funny things with the heart and the mind. But look. And she says this. She rings a bell and trundling up the corridor towards you with a stretcher, you can see our three figures, which look almost like humans or elves. It's of humanoid figures with silver shimmering skin and they're dressed in simple

smocks over blue robes and they walk in wordlessly. She points and they start to load undercourt and banknote into stretchers. Be careful with my friend. Not so much the big one. I don't really care about him at all. We would have cared a lot more about him if he'd

remembered to come to the fucking show. Yeah, and then she doesn't know anything, but she punches him in the dick and goes, I don't know why I did that. Get a calendar, you know? It's on your phone. You can put things in it. When you say, I'll be at the place,

you can just put it in as soon as you agree to do it. You can just set a reminder to... Ding! Oh, that thing. Ding! Oh, I should get in my fucking car! Arcanist Val addresses the four figures and she says,

take them to the infirmary and they look at her, all bow deeply, pick up the stretchers and with your permission start to take the bodies away. Do you just call her Artemis Val? Arcanist.

Arcanist. Yes, it begins. Arcanist. As in teacher of the arcade. Arcanist Val. Vowel? Like Sarah Val. Like Sarah Val.

Oh, I thought it was Val. Like, hi, I'm Val. Her name is Sarah Val. Her name is Sarah Val. Arcanist Sarah Val. So. Well, presumably because all of you wanted to talk about that instead of stopping them, the bodies of your friends are now trundling down the corridor.

Yeah, now I've got what I need. Well, let us know how they are and tell us when they wake up. Thank you. Well, don't have to deal with that anymore. Phew. Now, I know you have lots of questions and as I say, we will have lots of questions.

The Archmage will be full of questions and probably prays for little old me. But first, I must warn you, the Netherese Empire from which you came will obviously be a thousand years more advanced than what you'll see outside these doors. So please, no poo-pooing. We're not.

No, no, no. I won't hear it with your humbleness. I understand that we are primitive to you. But please be kind and try and take in our rustic ways. And she opens the door and takes you down. She's starting to walk you down a corridor. She's sort of bustling you out. You get the sense that this is a person

who does not spend a lot of time around other people. She's socially slightly excitable and she's sort of bustling you down the corridor towards someone called the Archmage. I mean, Nethereal... Me think me remember Nethereal from school. Should we do like a history check? Why don't you all make history checks for me?

Nethereal, oh, I know about Nethereal. Oh, thank you, thank you so much. Anyone get over 15? I got a natural 20. She did get a natural 20, the highest. Very natural. Phil, you are not an easy student. However, the Nethereal's empire is something that you once did a book report on,

and it was, which is impressive because you can't read, as a half-orc raised in a smithy, which I sometimes forget. But, Filge, the Netherese ruled over all of the Sword Coast a thousand years ago. Famously, they lived in cities in the sky. Their magic was unparalleled. And until the fall of Netheril, it was the greatest golden age that anybody's ever remembered in history. Theirs was the first age of wonder. Then there was the second age of ruin.

You live in the third age. Calendars are hard. Anyway, that's what you know. of ruin. You live in the third age. Calendars are hard. Anyway, that's what you know. Yeah, um, Nethereal, not really a thing anymore.

Excuse me? Yeah, like you don't, yeah, like when we talk about Nethereal, it's like it used to be around and kind of not anymore. Do you know about dinosaurs? Excuse me? You know dinosaurs? Yes. Yeah, you know how they sort of were around and kind of not anymore. Do you know about dinosaurs? Excuse me? You know dinosaurs? Yes.

You know how they sort of were around and then they weren't around anymore? I think sure, yeah. That's sort of what, that's how we think of you. So why did you activate the lodestone after something happened? The purpose of the lodestones is that at the point of collapse you activate the lodestone, you go back to the purpose of the load stones is that at the point of collapse,

you activate the load stone, you go back to the time of priming, and we can prevent it. Oh, well, we're having help. Well, actually, you're right. You know, I'm still thinking linear. It doesn't matter when you're... You fucking idiot.

You're thinking linear? You fucking idiot. And you call yourself a chronomancer It's funny because in my customs That would be quite rude It's not No it doesn't This is interesting

The only thing that matters is that you have information And that we're here And that the lodestone works So let's go tell the archmage And as she says this by now She's walked you down a corridor, swung a left, and she's ushering all of you to stand on a grill in a big circular room.

That sounds dangerous. Yeah, this feels like a collapsing floor. Is there going to be a wind that blows up our skirts for the perverts underneath to look at? There's going to be a bunch of netheries underneath jerking off. We have moved on the jerking off perverts some time ago. What did you do with them?

We had them killed. That's what happens in the golden age. Yeah. We have this incredible thing and people are just jerking off underneath it and we go, okay, well, that's... I mean, this wasn't my decision. That's a totally different department.

It was controversial at the time. That they just took all the people who were just jerking off underneath. You didn't get all of us. Who was that? He got me. Oi! Get away from there! I'm sorry you had to see that.

She says, and she pulls out... What's the bounty on that man? I will kill him for you. What is the bounty on that man? I will hunt him down and kill him. I mean, is Aether on a... Yeah, it's about 1.2 quark of aether. What? 1.2 quark of aether? Of aether, yes. How many of those words did you just make up on the spot then Dave?

One of them. Another one I made up a day ago. I made up the number two, so you're welcome. I mean, this could be a way we could prove ourselves to them. Hunting down the jerk pervert? Look, we're not in the sword coast. He doesn't seem to be going anywhere. We're not in. He's still looking right up. I am making full eye contact with this pervert right now.

In the scale of a noble quest, say a first episode quest, there seems to be a room, I suppose, under the grate that frankly I hadn't planned for. No, no, I'm sure it's somewhere in the notes. And then there's a low bench. And sitting on the bench is a small half-eaten bag of chips. And next to the bag of chips is a pervert in a brown

smock who's going who's going absolutely nowhere seems to have no fear of death and is just looking up at all of you. Hey, what do you what do you want? What would you like? Is this working for you?

Uh, yeah, well are working for you? Yeah, well are you doing requests? Yeah, what do you want? No, no, we're not taking requests. No, don't get his yum. Bobby, we're in, we're a guest in these people's lands, okay? You know, if you I think, I mean. I've done cultural

sensitivity training. So if we need to kill this pervert that's jerking off underneath us I didn't say he was jerking off. No, Tom did. Look, how do you know? To answer your question, I'm into people pretending they're really tall.

Alright, look I'm... What's your name? I'd like to know. My name's Trevor. Don't name him! He will never go. No, I'm sorry. Trevor, pretend that you really don't know me. Also, guys, we've really got to do this.

Look, for all of us to get credit of this, we're all going to have to do it together, okay, Filch? We're all going to have to kill him together. And Val's like, hey, there's just a switch that just takes us away from here. It's right, and if you would like to have some fun, press as much as you can. It's just, me feel, whenever we're in a new place,

we seem to sort of fall in with the perverts. And, you know, this lady seemed pretty important. We don't know if we can trust her. Maybe, you know, I just think let's... Well, should we take it to a vote on whether we kill the pervert or not? Hey, Friso. I don't want to... Do I look tall in this? You look really tall. Like, really tall. Look how tall I am.

You look so tall. No, I'm sorry. I don't like where this is going at all. I don't like this at all. You do still have... Friso, you still do have the Arcanist's pistol. Yeah, alright. I'm gonna. Can I get down into there? It's a grill. It's a grill.

I climb down through the grill. No, I mean, you've got a gun. You have an Artificer's gun. Yeah, but I've got the Shocking Hands. Okay. You really want to feel him die? I mean, Arcanist Val is like, well, I suppose if we double back,

go through the maintenance crawl space. I roll a 17 plus my attack, which is force of 21. What's your armour class, Trevor? Well, you know, I've got the chip packet. It's eight. I've got a hot eight. Trevor, run! You're not very...

Oh, what? Thanks for the heads up. Friso, you're rolling a lot of dice. I just want to know, Hing, what are you doing? I'm grabbing him around the neck. He's quite far below you. So you're trying to pull open the grate? You can't get through the grate. Oh, okay, sorry.

I witchbolt him then. I'm going to keep that 17, though, because I did roll it, so that counts. Don't do witchbolt. Come down here and strangle me with your hand. Friso, suddenly his eyes glow white as he starts to draw shapes in the air, terrifying and familiar and yet color strange and eldritch does not appear. For Friso

you have lost your magical focus the source of your magical powers which you still have yet to find. You escaped from your time of mistress trials through the nine known worlds with nothing more than a

magical sword, the clothes on your back, actually I think you came out naked, and also I believe a magical scroll. Okay, I shoot him then. Well, if you roll a 15, he dies.

So thank you. So, um, roll a 15, he dies. So, thank... So, um, and, uh, and, and... Pleasantly, I murdered a man for you. Hey, thank you so much for that. Um... You can see that Val's hand is slowly moving towards a button on the side of the elevator.

Do you know, I think, are you done murdering? Yeah, no. Okay, well push this button then. And she pushes the button to activate the shoot. Yes, and correctly surmised, the air starts to glow and as everybody's tunics are all aflutter, weightlessness occurs. Oh, Trevor would have loved this. are all aflutter, weightlessness occurs. Oh, Trevor would have loved this.

Until recently, he bloody did. As you zoom up into the air, and as you do, you can see that you're racing up this giant copper tube, and it feels like flying, it feels fantastic, and Val looks out and she says, of course, this must all seem very primitive to you, but we do make do.

Great things will come because you are here today. Welcome back, brave explorers from times far shore to the golden age of Netheril. And as she does that, she taps the side of the room that you lift up into and the copper floats and translates itself into beautiful shimmering glass and you can see that you are high above a brilliant blue coast dotted with small woods soaring miles above it clouds are your equals in the sky because you are standing in a giant floating city high above it on a tower in a spire that she's just brought you to.

Oh, we're so high up. So we are in heaven. I wonder if I can see my house from here. She takes a couple of steps forward and she beckons you to the only annex coming off this spire, jutting off at an improbable architectural angle. It looks like a kind of aviary or a dock high up on the highest spire of the castle. Wait, sorry.

It looks like an aviary or a dock. A sky dock. A dock for a zelro. A dock? Dock. Or a place where you keep budgerigars? Yeah. One of the two.

One of the two. Okay, it's an aviary. It's a fucking aviary. Well, we can't park there. That's for birds. You can see now that it is clearly an aviary, that there seem to be small sconces filled with birds. The beautiful sound of songbird music is in the air.

Can we have a listen? What the fuck is that bird? That's amazing. Can I hear that? Can I hear that fucked bird that was next to it? Do you mean the bird? Oh, that's real good. I want some chips.

I've got you. You're a tall bird. Do it. And about 30 pieces ahead of you, with his back to you, you can see a figure that seems to be walking away from you down the aviary, feeding and studying the birds. And Val, looking slightly

overcome, her eyes already magnified in her giant glasses, wide with pride, she steps to the side and indicates that you should walk forward. Alright, we walk into the place. And Phil whispers, let's all pose in a cool way

Sure As we walk? No, let's pose and wait for him to turn around and then he'll see us Could we do a walking Charlie's Angels? Is that doable? Yeah, but you've got a real gun And we'll all just have handguns But you'll got a real gun. And we'll all just have handguns.

But you'll have an actual gun. What a psycho. What a psycho. Yeah, let's do that one. Okay, I want to be sideways, Angel. So I'm posing sideways. I want to be Cameron Diaz. But not from that movie?

No. From The Mask. No, no, no. Oh, no, from There's Something About Mary with the hair. With the cum hair. And I guess that just leaves you, Bobby. There's only three angels. I guess I'll be Bosley.

And Val's like, Your mission, should you choose to accept it... Is to turn around and look at us. As you say that, the figure does hear you and stops just as he was leaning in to look at a beautiful bird. And as you've walked down, you can see that these beautiful songbirds are in fact each of them masterwork clockwork birds. Each more beautiful than the last, shimmering with jewels.

That really depends on the order that you pick the birds out of. In many ways, each could be uglier than the last. No, no, no. I think they have like a... Sorting it by day. Yeah. It goes from the fucked birds to the nice birds. Yeah, okay.

But even the fucked birds, why would we want that? So when I say each more beautiful than the last, that's because the first bird is a paper plane. Okay. What's the last bird, Dave? What's the sexiest bird? What is the sexiest bird? No, it's not about beauty.

It's about the intricacy of the clockwork. Eden had an answer immediately. I was going to say the superb bird of paradise, but then I thought about the blue-footed booby. Oh. I was going to say ostrich. It's so phallic. What?

All right, anyway, the figure fucking turns around. You can see a... Everything that Val has said has suggested that you were meeting someone called the Archmage, which might have suggested an old, wizened figure, but the figure that turns around is surprisingly young and handsome.

A man with a goatee, a shock of black... He said handsome. He makes it work. So handsome is he. Of black, tousled hair. He's wearing a simple linen shirt with wide sleeves, open a little unnecessarily deep on the chest.

All right. Any jewellery, Dave? He's wearing a number of rings, one earring, all of them just plain metals. There's no gold or silvers. How stacked is he? He's got a surprisingly well-defined musculature. And around his neck, you can see in his scoop-necked linen shirt,

there is a plain iron chain with a starburst sitting. Yeah, like the guy from Normal People. Yeah. Sitting on his chest. He does not look like a wizard. As he turns around to you, he's holding on his hand as well a small mechanical lyrebird and he turns and looks at you as it sings and he cocks one eyebrow, curious.

I immediately drop the pose and shove Freezo. I'm not doing that stuff. I don't do that stuff. I don't do all that stuff. I do poses. Hi. Me, Phil. I didn't know this. These guys wanted to do some daggy pose.

And I said, don't do it, guys. And they said, nah. And I said, nah. nah come on just be chill because I'm chill can you make for me a charisma check Filch I made him way too handsome

in my mind today now I'm blushing from my imagination it's always so good to see Filch try to flirt because Filch's flirting is limited by your own ability to flirt. Oh, that's an eight. You're in terrible danger of being friend-zoned. Already. Val, who are these people? Already Val Who is

Who are these people? Oh no Not the accent Not for me Give us a listen again How does that sound? Yeah Ben come on Don't sell the character short

He says How's it? No he doesn't Does he? Come on Ben He says Oh Hello

Welcome to my aviary. It's where I keep my little... Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. No, no, next one, please. Now, this is a bit of a surprise. I don't... Oh, a bit of short over there, yeah? Yeah.

Val, who are these people you've brought me? He says. And what does Val say? He says, do I need to call my guards? Are we all doing what I'm doing, which is try to work out if Ben is trying to do a voice of someone he thinks is a very sexy person? Yeah.

I'm doing my best with the constraints of the accent I've chosen. Do we have any listeners in South Africa? I hope not. My lord, Archmage Supreme Cassus. My accent has changed because hoolidooly

and then it was like South African but it sort of switched and I wasn't sure. No, listen, I can do both, I promise. Okay. Famous last words. But look, I know you're very busy and I don't want to take up too much of your time. And I first of all want to really, really thank you so much for the grant that you gave me to do the lodestones. And I know a lot of people said that was crazy, that was crazy

so much time and ether goes into these things but something came out these four and two of their companions came out of the lodestones they're from a thousand years in the future in the glorious Nethere's Empire and I present them

to you Archmage. And she kind of bows and then gestures you guys forward. Hello. What you got there? A terrible accent? That's cool, isn't it? Friso, Bobby, Baston, Filch, who you already

met, we're just here to help you do whatever you need. Earlier today we killed one of your perverts. The sewer pervert? Yeah, well he was, yeah, his name was Trevor, do you know him?

Wait, I have an uncle. I have an uncle called Trevor, he's not very well. You don't have an uncle called Trevor. You don't fucking have an uncle called Trevor. He's not very well. You don't have an uncle called Trevor. You don't fucking have an uncle called Trevor. And if we flash back to the pipe you hear, do you guys want some of my chips? And knock them tall, yeah. I'm so significant.

Yeah, well... Honestly, it makes the character less sympathetic. Friso. Who was it? Enchanté, you know. Enchanté. Filch. Sorry, Filch.

Me, Filch. It's nice to meet you, Filch. And I'm Bastogne, and I'd like to go back to the future. Yes, please. We would like to go back. We were kind of in the middle of something. Oh, yeah. And, you know, just do another, just pop another lodestone on and send us back.

By the way. Oh, sorry. I haven't heard from this one here. I want to stay here. This is great. Why? Now, I like here. This is great. Why? Now I like you. This one I like.

This is flipping awesome. It's a new start. Nobody knows sorry Dragon Huddle. Okay. Excuse us

excuse us did you even bring a sporting almanac? Okay so what do we you know what I do have? I have a history of the Strahd family. Oh, yes.

It's a book. So if it has any sporting matches... You're referring to the terrible and lamentable history of the ancient house of Strahd. How far does it go back to this age? Yeah, absolutely. So we can, like, bet on wars? Strahd, just so you know,

the Strahd family sort of made their fortune about a thousand years ago. Wait, wait, we gotta, we are still, Here's the plan. We don't tell people

where our dipshit sells. We can be whoever we want to be. It's a fresh start. You already say me name Phil. Fuck.

No, I take it back I'm not Friso My name is Michael No Couldn't think of a name Couldn't think of a name Hey, I couldn't help but overhear your huddle, guys Rude

People normally, you know, they just kind of turn around Yeah, but most people I imagine Filch aren't the archm normally, you know, they just kind of turn around and they don't... Yeah, but most people I imagine feel aren't the archmage, you know. By the way, I'm Cassus. People call me Cassus the Kind, but, well, you can call me that. Or just... That is the most psycho introduction that I have ever heard. You know, you can call me Cassus the Kind or, um,

anyway, um, I just, uh, I don't think you guys really need to worry about this kind of thing. Whatever you want to do in Netheril, you're from the future, guys. You are my guests of honour.

I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to take my third prettiest bird and he takes, one, two, three, takes out the third prettiest bird and he goes, there's four of you, I'm going to make you estates right next to each other, set up for tonight where you can live. How does

a modest couple of manor houses with some ground sound. Just to begin with. Will they be in the sky? Yeah, of course they'll be in the fucking sky. They will be connected, Carsten says,

to my personal quarters. Will there be a slidey pole down? I'm writing a slidey pole down and I'll tell you, when I write things down they tend to happen, best of. Are we meant to share this bird? One one bird between three, like four of us. No, sweet gentle filth. I'm going to send this to my chief architect and he works fast.

Unless, by the way... And he gets the bird? Oh, my God. Unless you want to live below with the free folk... I'll take the beak. Wings, wings. Legs, I guess legs. All right.

Eyeballs. I feel like there's like a bit of a... And he just tears up the bird. Hands it out. Oh, thank you. I'll get a new bird. He gets a new bird. He's like, unless of course you want to live below with the free folk.

In which case I can arrange that. Sky Palace. Okay, Sky Palace. Sky Palace. Sky Palace. I'll take Sky Palace. You're not really loved down below with the killing of the perverts. But think of all the perverts

I could kill. Think of the advantage you could have on the perverts from up above. Why don't I just put Sky Palace is one, two, three, four. Okay. And then if you change your mind. We have Towers of the Arcane amongst the free folk all across the Sword Coast. If you want to visit with them, you can.

And I'd encourage you to. It's a wonderful cultural experience. Anyway, my point is, let's just take this offline. You do know about this. I talk about high netheril a lot. High netheril is the culture of... You do talk about high netheril a lot. I know.

Some would say too much. So high netheril is the megacracy, the sort of megacratic empire that lives in floating cities above the Sword Coast. There is also, and they speak Laurosian, and they're all of the expert mages. There is also Low Netheril, or what Karsus calls the

Free Folk. Do we understand Laurosian? No, no, none of you, no. So he's not speaking Laurosian? Oh, there's a fucking whatever machine that does it. Yeah. No, no, that's true, that'scian? Oh, there's a fucking whatever machine that does it. Yeah. Babel fish. No, no, that's true.

That's true. The entire, because this is a diplomatic, you are currently in a floating city called Ilinar, and because Ilinar is the diplomatic hub of the Nethere's empire, there is a permanent comprehend languages aura that is cast over the entire city. The whatever machine. Yeah. Does one of those birds have Duolingo?

One of the birds is Duolingo and you can crush it. Hey look, I've loved talking and this has been so nice to meet you. Bobby Baston, Field Frizzo. So good to meet you. I've got some things to do.

I'm somewhat busy. But tell you what, we're having a dinner tonight. I'd love you to be there in fact you know what I insist you be there honestly

and quite seriously insist that you be there so why don't you go to some quarters that I've arranged they're not your proper places as he says this

he's quickly scribbling a message and putting it into like I think a bird's mouth opens and there's a little chute and he sticks the message in why don't you go freshen up, not to

comment on anything, but some of you are covered in blood. It's not my blood. Yeah, I mean, I'm not judging. I'm just saying it's there. So why don't you freshen up, have a look around. You know, Val, you've done a great job. Take a load

off, whatever it is you do solve a Rubik's Cube have fun I don't know this is crazy I've got things to do there's something

you know that I want to talk to you guys about tonight but honestly I can't wait to pick your brains about where Nethril's at okay yeah

we'd love to come thanks for the palaces we'll be there. Okay. And if you need any chores done, just let me know. Happy to help. Oh my gosh. We got the major for that, but thank you so much.

And speaking of which, he rings a bell and two more of these silver-skinned figures in blue robes appear. And he snaps his fingers and he says, take them to my personal guest quarters. Bing bang bong. Bing bang bong. And also, I know it sounds like you're going to see a lot of things in these quarters and you're going to go, do I have to pay for that? You know? Do I have to pay for that?

You know, little bottles of wine. Do we? Little bottles of wine. Do I have to pay? No, you don't. I'm telling you, you don't. Oh. There's no everything.

What about the pipes? What? The pipes? Yeah, the pipes. These copper pipes. What about these nuts? Were they free? Can we take a couple home?

You want to take... These free? Just some copper? You say these free? Did you just punch a bird to death? In my head it was a wall, but if the bird was in the way, then that's not up to me. I can see that we have some cultural bridges

to bridge but look until that time sure take all the paps you need I guess. You have made a fucking mistake my idiot friend. Assuming that you follow the Megan down there is another one of those

floating elevators takes you down the spire into a compound of immaculately presented guest quarters and if you thought that you were all having to share you were fucking wrong let me tell you you have each of you has your own uh guest compound of about four to five rooms in each one of those rooms again a silver-skinned figure is standing upright, motionless, at attention in the corner of the room in blue robes, ready to attend to any needs. And Val points out in the first room a bell in each of your rooms and says, if you ring that, they will awake and do anything that your heart desires. Robot butler. Yeah, well, are they like the birds?

Oh, they are beings of pure magic They are the same very power that powers the city That makes the city fly Creates these servants for us I'm imagining like Terminator 2, like liquid metal guys Is that kind of what we're thinking? They kind of look like humans with silver skin Like the people who pretend to be statues on the street?

Maybe a bit. I mean, that upsets me, but it's not unlike that. Okay. Hey, Majin, was it Majin? One of them immediately snaps to attention. Hello? They don't... Oh, they won't speak.

Just tell them what you want and they will do it for you. Oh. What if I want them to speak? She indicates... They can mimic in the way of certain birds, but they can't speak. They can't or they're not allowed? They can't.

Why? What did you want to do? So if you want to record a memo and she turns to one of the mages and says, Why, what did you want to do? So if you want to record a memo and she turns to one of the mages and says, uh, mage, remind me that I owe 900 ether to the... How many quarks do you owe? 900 ether to the biomagic department. And then the mage imparates that back.

Okay. Okay, so they can speak. They can mimic. They can mimic. They can mimic. Huh. Can you do a flip? It does a perfect backflip. Perfectly executed.

And Val is like, okay, well, I see you're having fun. If you need anything, I'm going to take the spare room near you. Can you... How flexible are you? Can I do a backflip? Sorry, I'm still talking to the Magent. Sorry. Oh, well, I'm going to go.

And we just like wave it off. And she backs out. And so I guess the four of you just all... Magent, play sports by Huey Lewis. They just stay because that is not a command they understand. Everybody make me quickly a constitution check. Natural 20. Not good. Because that is not a command they understand. Everybody make me quickly a constitution check. Oh. Natural 20.

Ooh. Not good. Not good for me. Not good for me. 21. 20, 21. Not good. Seven. Five.

Five. All right. Suddenly, the doors close and you're all exploring the mages. The visuals of it are not great because you're all kind of like just all standing around it while it's standing in the corner looking at you impassively. Waves of nausea suddenly hit all of you. The two of you, Basnon and Bobby, you managed to hold yourselves together.

How much did you roll each? Seven. Seven and a five. Filge, you suddenly are thrown to your feet, to your knees, in fact. You are thrown to your... Hey, on T, in fact. You are thrown to your... Hey, let's answer your rules, Dave. We take your first answers.

The same nausea throws you to your knees and you suddenly realise that you're about to vomit, but with a seven, you manage to sort of push yourself towards what you realise is a bathroom and you destroy it. A lot of that is just fosking for pipes, but some of it is being unwell.

As you start to vomit. Unfortunately, with five, you are not quite so lucky, Friso, as you vomit where you stand in front of the magent. Magent! Clean it up! Please! And the magent is looking at you, and even though they seem

to be emotionless, you think for a second that you catch a look of, you cannot tell if it is terror or pity, as it looks at you, and you touch your chin and turn and look down at the ground and then turn and look at the rest of your dragon friends as they realize two things immediately. One is that your entire chin is drenched in blood and black bile as you look down at the vomit in front of you. And before anyone can stop you, you take your fingers, Friso, and you start looking around in it and you pull something out and you hold it up in front of your friends and they can see that there are three teeth

you eat some teeth? I guess I do a dental check Dave to see if I have all my teeth you have traveled far Friezo farther than any have ever travelled before in a manner that bodies are not meant to survive. You have beaten that law that is first and ascendant amongst all laws that say that that which comes will follow that which was

and there is a cost for such travel and it seems that your body is going to take more than a small amount of acclimatizing into the journey that it has come you have traveled back in time and still it seems that time may catch up with you if you can survive long enough for a dinner with perhaps the most famous mage that ever lived or will live which is going to be in just an hour's time and is going to be in the next episode of dragon friends thank you the dragon friends are alex lee eden lacey simon greiner and michael hing our dungeon master is

dave harman with mbc voices NBC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments and sometimes perverts by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest

and episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter

what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend A fucking dragon friend This carries on immediately from the last episode that we did in November. Tom Walker was here, so I thought it would be really fun to bring tonight special guest Tom Walker and I invited him and he forgot to come so if anyone would like to tweet at him or send him a deal on Instagram Tom Walker

is good is his handle and you can just tell him he's a I don't know yeah actually if you could if you'd be like hey man we're starting you know those like terrifying messages you get where it's just like hey on your way question mark what was the message you sent Tom nine minutes ago I sent him a message

a screenshot from last year's message because he's done this before he just screenshotted it and it just it just said are you coming my dude and then I saw

sent and then I saw dot dot dot and then it disappeared and then it came back and it just said oh no.