Dragon Friends - #7.02. The Original Deborah Downer

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

With their bodies rapidly failing from their journey, The Dragon Friends are forced into a dinner party with the finest minds of the ancient past. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My dear friends, are we ready to play some... Friendship is forever, friendship never ends It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend A fucking dragon friend Decadent, fabulous luxury Such is the prize for those dear friends Of Karsus the Kind, Archmage Supreme Of that ancient and noble empire

Of old Netheril And yet what good is the luxury Of the Netherese When one is falling apart. Literally, it seems our time-travelling friends, the dragon friends, have made their way back 1,000 years to the year 493. Dale Reckoning, as the Forgotten Realms calendar doth dictate, and their bodies are coming undone.

The magics that have brought them here are too powerful, too experimental for their mortal coils to cope, it seems, as Friso holds in mute horror three of his own human, possibly Chinese, teeth. Honestly, it's so weird what you say, dude.

Well, we have different teeth now, Dave. We have different teeth. What's phrenology but for dentistry, Dave? In front of him, wordlessly, the dragon friends look at each other. One, Baston back to Bobby, back to Filge, back to Friso. And then the moment of mute horror is broken by a knock on the door. Knock, knock, knock. Knock? Knock. Is that like gnocchi? No, it's like me knocking on the door. Knock, knock, knock. Knock?

Knock. Is that like gnocchi? No, it's like me knocking on the door. Knock, knock. Who's in there? I didn't want to say, I didn't want to actually do the knocking. I wanted to say knock,

like we're friends. Like knock, knock, knock. Sorry, I can't hear you. What? You just responded to me. I can hear some muffled voices. Okay, well, you're guessing what I'm saying with remarkable accuracy. I open the door.

Alright, you can see the figure of the white-coated gnome, arcanist Marceline Vowell, who is holding a bottle of champagne and what seems to be five champagne flutes. Guys, can I just say, I... Congratulations to us, right? We did it. I mean, I did it in a way in like most meaningful ways like capturing the idea of the primed time device, but

honestly, you guys coming through, it's a big deal. I don't know if I really told you this, but I'm not a big scientist. Oh, sorry. Who's having one? What? Yes? Yes? Yes. Yes. Sure. sorry, who's having one? What? Yes? Yes? Yes. Yes? Sure.

Sure. Not concerned at all? Our friend is... Fraser, you're barfing teeth. Oh, something happened here? Was there an accident? I vomited up a lot of blood and bile and three human teeth, possibly Chinese. And in the reality of the world that is being created, they're a different kind of teeth, apparently.

Um, oh, okay. They're all molars, I should say. Like, they're back teeth. Okay. Were you unwell before you travelled? I was pretty... No, I think I was actually pretty good. I mean, that's debatable.

Depending on the spectrum of wellness. Sure, yeah. I was on the spectrum. Okay, well look... Of health? I was on the spectrum of health. Well look, this could be a lot of things, guys. But the important thing is we're all here

and no one else feels bad at all, do they? I feel a little woozy. I mean, I'm good, but he's barfing tea. You also both felt, as Bastogne says, a wave of nausea moments ago, right? Yeah, me have absolutely destroyed the bathroom and me also vomited in there. Says Filch, walking out

of the bathroom under her arm is like quite a large amount of exterior copper. Okay, why don't we all just enjoy our champagne and maybe have a chat about this. Okay. You have the about this. Okay.

You have the first sip. Okay. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Okay. It's very nice. Is it? Sip, sip, sip, sip, sip. Champagne quality check.

Yeah, okay. What do I use? Roll it in. What is... Hang on. It's not intelligence. Use your sommelier skill. No, but it's not intelligence because it's more about your kind of...

Perception? Palate? It's your palate. I think wine tasting is performance, frankly. Make a performance check. 13. This is a real opportunity for you. Ooh, I get it.

I delicately poke my nose into the glass and I sniff too hard and it goes up my nose. It's like a... What do you think about the quality of the wine? Are you going to say it's good or bad? It's in my nose. Oh, yes. A fine choice, madam.

Oh yes, a fine choice madam It's got a bouquet of being in my nose My brain feels floaty Well that's the best kind of champagne Hey look, I think it would be good If we don't mention any of the sickness or the nausea or the teeth at the banquet tonight because everybody's so excited

and they're going, this is such a good thing you know, and I think that I don't know if we have this expression a thousand years in the future, but it would be like you are all Debbie Downers Do you know what I mean? You'd be like Debbie Downers to say that. And, like...

Wait, are you living in the time of the original Deborah Downer? Yes, the great sage, Deborah Downer, who predicted the fall of Natharel. And everybody just found it hugely fucking bummed them out. So they launched her into the sun. So she's not still around. No. They said, you are being a big Debbie Downer.

And they put her in a rocket. And they fired it right at one of the suns. One of the suns? Yeah, it's sci-fi. It's really not. as I fired it right at one of the suns. One of the suns? Yeah, it's sci-fi. It's like... It's really not. It's heaps of suns. You know?

You look at two suns, that's sci-fi. She leaned... Oh, it's two suns and six moons. As she's... I'm Frank Herbert! As Val is encouraging you... As Val is encouraging you to tell Cassis nothing about this, she pulls out her wand, which is a small stout yew wand,

and she waves it at Yew Freezer, and it glows blue. And then she pulls out a small series of vials that are on her belt and walks over to the table, grabs a ball, starts using it as a mortar and pestle and starts bashing together a quick compound okay so here's the thing like this was all theoretical because i never met anybody who'd come from the future but like there's a thought that maybe bodies aren't meant to travel in this direction through time you know so the body repels in a way. It's not a big deal.

It could just be like motion sickness, but for time, you know? If you're in a car, and it jostles this way, jostles this way, and you go, oh, I'm going to be vomiting. Has that ever happened?

Am I going to get Benjamin Button Syndrome? Is that how this ends? The point is... Was that another mage in the old times? Yes. Sir Benjamin Button was a mage. He invented the study of chronomancy,

but unfortunately he was caught in a Nethere's paradox whereby he became younger and younger and younger until he went back at his mum. Is that how it works? Yeah. She was dead of course. And that's where the expression because Debbie and Benjamin one in the son one in the mom. So you see... Okay, so that... So you see how important prophecy is to... It's my birthday!

That's right, Ben. And for today only, you can invent any backstory you like. That phrase didn't really make it. Oh, really? To your time? No, we don't really... I suspect some version of it exists. She finishes crushing the powders and she grabs some of it in a little fold of paper

and she brings it forward to you, cupped in her hand, and she gives it to you to snort, Phil. Um, Friso. Yeah, I'll rack a line of this. Let's go. What is this, nose compound? This is going to look, it's not a cure, but until I work out exactly what's

happening, it will stabilise you. Sure, sure. I would actually suggest... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would actually suggest... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would actually suggest that everybody take some of this. Yeah, don't hog it, freezer. Oh, no, hang on, hang on. I don't know how many lines we've got.

There are four lines. There are four lines of medicine. And you guys are good to hit me up for this, right? Like... Yeah, no, we'll get to it later. Why does he have the bigger line? No, I just... I just sort of prefer if everybody just, like, Venmo'd me now. We can't... No, we'll get you a line. Why does he have the bigger line? No, I just sort of prefer if everybody just like Venmo'd me now. We can't. No, we're going to pay you now because we haven't done the lines yet.

Yeah, but you will. We're guests here. Yeah. Yeah, and us. But there's guests and there's guests. Yes. You can't offer a line and be like, where's the cash afterwards? No, that's fine.

It's going to be a real fucking Debbie Downer, you know? Yeah. All right. line and be like, where's the cash afterwards? No, it's fine. It's going to be real fucking Debbie Downer, you know? Is everybody doing a nice refreshing line of medicine? Yes, Dave, I do a line of medicine and I immediately ask Filge if she wants to open a restaurant. It doesn't feel like

the nausea leaves your body. Instead, it feels like a wall has been built against it. And now the nausea is crashing against the wall and building. But it feels much more calm. Do you need to do a poo? It feels like a poo wouldn't hurt. As all of you sort of calm down. Unfortunately, nothing will bring back your teeth,

but again, these are teeth at the back of your head. So I'm like the most brilliant scientist in all of Netheril. I thought you said you weren't a big scientist. I did a line before of a different thing. I mean, not only did you say that, it says that in the notes. I feel like what I have done... Have you done a couple of these lines? What is going on? The point is, I feel that what I have done... Have you done a couple of these lines? What is going on? Look, the point is, I feel that what I have done is...

I have brought people back 1,000 years. I can work out why you spit out some teeth, why you feel sick. It's fine. Give me some time. Let's just not mention it. It's a banquet, by the way. The banquet's going to be so nice.

Cool. Is it banquet time? I think she looks at you and she's like, you have to understand how big a deal this is. Not just for you, but for me. Yeah, I mean, look. Don't worry. Everybody loves us.

No, I get that. But, like, look. you look at me and you... We're really... I feel like I'm more interesting than I've ever been before. Where is the toilet? So it really skirts the line, doesn't it? Look at this. Woo, I did a flip.

Woo! Is Spaston just standing motionless? Woo! Pretty good, huh huh She says look I You're new here You don't understand But I am I am from this free folk

I've ascended And you would not look at me Because I have nice glasses And I look really good And I have like a lot of aether Just to throw around My projects and my things But I was born from the free folk.

And for a free person to do what I have done is, well, I don't want to use the word unprecedented, but I really, it's unprecedented. I am sitting... Yeah! You did it! You did it You did it You are the man You are a genius

You are a god No one has ever been better than you We gotta get more of this medicine Hot damn We are all geniuses Where is this party? I am ready to fucking go. Woo!

And fucking... Do you think I'll fall if I jump out of this window? How high up are we? Let's do this. I am a god! And none of you really, if you were questioned, can remember the carriage ride or how you got there. But there is a sudden clarity of focus

and you realise that you are all sitting at a huge long dining table that is sitting contrapuntally to four... Four more... Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. Four more dining tables. To four more dining tables. You are at the bridal table of this fucking huge, in a huge vaulted hall. Bridal table? Are we at a wedding?

You're not at a wedding. I'm trying to say you're at the head table. Oh, it's like the tea. The contrapuntal table. You're at high table. Yes. Oh, it's like you didn't go to a private school. You're at high table. Yes. Oh, it's like you didn't go to a private school. You're at high table. Is high table like the captain's table on a boat?

Yeah. I mean, sure. Yeah. It's really white. Anyway, you're there. I can guess the word Dave is trying to say. Contrapuntally. Contrapuntally.

He's a good, clever boy. This is like when you motherfuckers didn't think that ensorcelled was a word. No, I knew it was a word. But what's wrong with perpendicular? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That is the word I was thinking of. And I'm sorry, I didn't think I didn't think that this was this would be the second time I'd shout

at 200 people, what's wrong with perpendicular? But it was a hard drive here. Anyway, Dave's right, I looked it up on Google, contrapuntal meaning, the dictionary.com definition is a word used exclusively by virgins. That's right. I looked it up on Google. Contrapuntal meaning, the dictionary.com definition is a word used exclusively by virgins. That's interesting.

I don't know how that... Get in there, Dave. I don't know. The point is that all of you are sitting there at this perpendicular table. You can see the many lords, maesters, arcanists and magists of the Netherese Empire arrayed in front of you. Such at least of those worthies that were currently on Ilenar, jeweled in the crown of the Netherese Empire. The foremost seat for Cassus is currently empty. As you all make your seats, Val has a seat with you as well. Val is sitting to Friso's right and to Bobby's left.

There is a genial looking old, old wizened human man with a long beard wearing a blue robe. Has he got a hat? No, he's got a diadem. He's got a little? No, he's got a diadem. He's got a little diadem. It's a Friso crown. And he looks and he's smiling at you, Bobby, and not eating, not touching his roast beef as he sits and smiles at you.

Hello. A bit yours? Is he passing right now? He smiles at you. Hello. I beg yours. Is he passing right now? Would you, could you perhaps sit at the table, if you please? Dave was meant to do this voice, and I just said, no, I got it. Just lean over to me. And you said, I can do this. Which had real little Lee coach

put me in first energy. Put me in coach! Have you ever tried a beddy of the forest of Quasar? No, I don't know what that is. Most succulent out of season, unfortunately. Don't know why I brought it up.

Make a perception check for me, Bobby. That's a 16. Okay, for 16, you notice that this guy is being treated with quite a lot of reverence by people around the table, around you. His seat is obviously on the prominent captain's table. He is also wearing

a golden triangular pendant himself that looks, although it's made of gold, not iron like Karstus's, it looks like it's from the same sort of designer, and it has an eye drawn in it, a sigil of an eye, and behind that eye, a disc. Okay.

So, how do you know Karsus the kind? Well, I know a lot of people, Bobby. You look less at ease than when you were last here. Uh, excuse me? You look less at ease

than when you last sat, or was it the time before. Do you know there's a kind of bird... Go on. There's a kind of bird they find in the desert that can, that's arse-holy.

He's also his eye. Okay. That's really fascinating. So you're a birder. Sorry, just to go back a sec Have we met before? We may have met but I don't know if it was before Have we met after?

Why don't you take a seat my sweet child of Carcosa, and sample all the things that are on the table, the various fantasy bullshit. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I've just worked it out. Okay, this guy was probably a regular-aged person, right, where we were from. But as fucking Benjamin Button.

And a thousand years ago he was super fucking old. But young. No, he's old now. Because where we're from, he's regular age. And it's probably like fucking Strata or some shit. But now, a thousand years ago, he's old because he's got Benjamin Button disease. As Frieza whispers this to you, quite loudly, over four or five people,

a young junior magist arrives and he says, World Seer, Itheria, you are meant to be resting now. This banquet is not for you. And sort of gently tries to take... I was just talking to Mr. Button. We're just having a nice now. This banquet is not for you. And sort of gently tries to take... I was just talking to Mr. Button. We're just having a nice conversation. It's fine. Oh, no, I'm sure we'll talk again.

What's his name? He called him Worldseer Itheria. Worldseer Itheria. And now the junior arcanist is already leading the old man away, who looks incredibly frail. Nice to see you again. Yes, and you too. I hope to do it again soon, or later, or I get muddled up.

And he walks off into the distance, and as you see him leave through a doorway behind the rostra where the kingshit table is the casus enters and casus is not alone he is deep in conversation with a strange looking creature shaped like a man but you can see that his body is fine armature metal not You're not even bothering with clothes. It's like a robotic exoskeleton, endoskeleton. And instead of a head, there is a simple copper disc, and sitting on that disc is a glass bell jar

filled with a transparent liquid, and floating in that liquid is what looks like a human brain. Built into the base of the bell jar is two brass speakers, and the two of them are deep in talk as Casas walks in. Oh, I just say it's not possible, but if you want to prove me wrong, you can prove me wrong, old friend. Are you also going to play...? Well, I think it's probably not

funny. I feel like I've done a lot of talking this half. You've taken a lot of characters. Do the robot brain voice, Dave. Do you want me to do it, Dave? Yeah, sure. No, actually, no. No, I don't think... Beep boop, beep boop.

Suck off protocol engaged. Beep boop. beep boop, suck off protocol engaged. Beep boop. As he says that, he finds a small dial, like a volume dial, on one of the speakers, and he just brings it down to zero. And he says, my subconscious got the better of me again. I'm so sorry, old sport about the suck off protocol stuff. We're trying to work it out in the lab.

We waste our time, Archmage, on this one world. You do not understand. With the ether that we have spent, we already have seers that say that this world is but one of many inside some kind of vast ecosystem. Well, I'll tell you what I told Val, who, by the way, has turned up to dinner tonight looking nice. I'll believe it when I see it, all right, old friend? Now, you just enjoy whatever it is they put in your tank. But if you just...

No, no, no. Can I just say, and then I will be silent, if you requisitioned the ether that you currently spend... That's not how we pronounce requisition. I mean, I know you're a brain in a jar. But surely you can pronounce requisition. I mean, I know you're braiding the jar, but surely you can pronounce requisition. I just feel that since my passing some 40 years ago, you've been making a lot of references about the jar. I served this empire well for 200 years. No, you're right, you're right.

What were you saying? If we requisition what? If we requisition some of the energy that we use on the Free Folk's towers, we could pierce that veil. We could find, there could be as many as eight or nine worlds nearby that we could conquer. I don't want to hear any more about energy tonight, and I think you know why, all right?

So let's just enjoy ourselves. No, I'm sorry, I don't understand the reference. I don't want to talk about aether. I don't want to talk about Aether. I don't want to talk about anything like that. So why don't you just sit down, enjoy yourself. I don't know if you drink wine. I've never seen it happen. But anyway.

I get those little fish pills. Somebody comes in with a little dropper. Skirts it in there. I don't know. I don't want to be insulting. I'm just saying I'm done talking to you, okay? Dave, Baston leans into Filch and says,

Filch, am I really high? Or is that a brain in a jar on a man? And Filch says, me don't know, but me think me can read your mind right now.

What am I thinking? We gotta start a dance floor. Un, deux, trois, quatre! And Bastogne sits back down. The figure in the metal armature suit sits down in a spare seating place between Friso and Filch. As Cassus sits down next to Eden, Bastogne and Val. And you notice that Cassus, there is no food in his, no glass. It's an empty space.

But he seems, he pulls unpertbed, a book from behind his cloak, and he slams it down and carries the conversation on with you while making copious notes. Can I just say, it's so wonderful to have you all here, and thank you so much. I hope you found your accommodations good. Did you all? Wonderful, yep. And you're all feeling well? Tickety-boo. Val nudges you.

Yeah, no, I'mges you in the wrist. Yeah, no, I'm fucking top of the world. I don't know if there's an equivalent of time jet lag. I don't even know what jet lag is because we don't have airliners. So that's a strange thing for me to say, but I'm a strange kind of guy, you know? I feel so fucking good right now. Oh, that's good. I feel so fucking good. Oh, we're good I feel so fucking good Oh we're still doing this riff?

Do you want to I thought Okay yeah No I was just Yeah I feel really Do you need me to do anything for you? No Well actually

And he goes like But he doesn't have a plastic spoon He has a He has a real spoon And he says Ladies and gentlemen I want to introduce you to four people who maybe you've heard whispers around the palace about.

And all of the tables go quiet. These four, and this is Bobby, and this is Bastogne, this is Friso, this is the enchanting field. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They have come through a vial stone Now you will have heard Val talk about these in passing Yes some of us have

Laughed behind her back We've called her a crazy little raisin woman You know We've called her a dried up little Prune of an idiot We've called her Psycho glasses faced scarf woman Scarf woman We've called her... Psycho glasses-faced scarf woman. Scarf woman. We've called her a stupid

arsehole. We've got all sorts of horrible, but ultimately funny things. And she nods studiously. These four come from a thousand years in the future of the Nethere's Empire. And they tell us how to pilot this great ship of civilization.

Yes. Bobby. Yeah. You struck me as a man with something on your mind. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, this is an oldie where I come from.

Now your kids are going to love it. No, but seriously. In 1493, where we come from, yes, a thousand years into the future, we raise a toast at every table to those who came before us. All of you, you guys, make the magic happen. There's no me without team.

It's a game of two halves. And the first half was you guys. And much like a man trying to determine if a glass of wine is any good, make for me a performance check. A three. Oh, eight? A nine. Oh, still bad.

It's a middling speech. Well, that was... I think we can all enjoy hearing someone... It's always depressing watching somebody try to save the moment. Hearing someone talk from a thousand years... I mean, regardless of what he said, it doesn't matter, you know? I think we can all take something from that. You do understand, he said,

chronomancy is not a theory anymore, it works, and that means that this golden age never has to end. If some maniac tries to destroy the Netherees, if some horrible accident ends our culture, if some outside malignant force invades, we will have lodestones ready to send explorers back to tell us exactly how to stop it. Explorers such as these. If I may offer a toast to the golden age of Netheril, the last age of the Sword Coach,

by which I mean coast, that will never end. Bobby has a thought and raises his glass and says, yes, because if anything were to change, then something catastrophic might happen like we would never have been born so we must make sure that we continue as we should okay what a weird thing to say thank you very much as he says this and holds the, everybody stands up and there is a moment of silence. And as they all toast, all of the lights ensconced around this huge vaulted ceiling, incredibly luxurious dining hall, flicker. And there is a hum and the room is plunged into darkness. There is a gasp and no one says anything.

And then you hear a click and a hum. And then the lights come back on again at about 80% strength there's been a murder nobody's nobody's done anything it's almost everyone just looks a little bit embarrassed and nobody really wants to mention it but the kind is like, well, if I could just address the elephant in the room here. Yeah, we are in the middle of something of a crisis, but well, in terms of just resources and all that, and I don't want to be embarrassed in front of our four guests, but I want to make an announcement. In three days' time, me and, well,

well, me, have come up with something that's going to mean that we never want for energy again. It works. It's been proven. And it's going to happen. So I can't give too much away. But perhaps we could give a toast.

To unlimited ether. And Carstus raises his glass. And everybody raises their glass and says to unlimited ether. The magists of Netheril cheer and sit down and begin to eat in earnest. You have a chance if you want to talk to those sitting around you. Cassus is still not

eating. It seems that this is a waste of time for him. Instead, he is making more notes in a journal. Frieza wants to talk to World Seer Etheria. World Seer Etheria was taken away. Who's the brain? What's the brain say? The brain was...

You could ask him if you want. I'm going to turn up that dial on the brain side. Well, I guess you voiced that dial. Oh, that's unfortunate. Suck it off, suck it off, suck it off, suck it off, suck it off. Suck it off, suck it off, suck it off, suck it off. Very nice to meet you. Me from the future.

Pretty cool. Got any questions? Enchanté. Yeah. You big brain, huh? Well... Well, once again, that could be misconstrued as rude, I suppose.

But you have the privilege of addressing First Admiral of the Ardent Sky, Skymaster Kyron. Skymaster Kyron. Oh. Oh, yes. So you, what are you, like a pilot? More of a commodore. It is my job to keep the skies around Ilinar safe.

So you're a Skymaster whose rank is Admiral, but you're more of a Commodore. Let's get your story straight, Skymaster Kyron, if that is your real name. I found a spy! So you lot just arrived here, did you? I found a spy! So you lot just arrived here, did you?

In Ilanara. At this, the moment of our city's greatest peril. The four of you just materialized in the city, is that it? Yeah, we're from a thousand years in the fucking future. And so suddenly, chronomancy works. Power needs to be diverted. Ether needs to be requisitioned. It's all very

convenient, isn't it? In a way. Yes, it is. Too convenient. I agree. How did the brain do that? How did the brain

put his arm around Because he's got a whole body. He's got a metal body. He's got a metal body. Oh! Nice. Yeah, Dave, why don't you describe the musculature of the metal body for

Alex? I said it was more of an armature. It's like wire and gold and there's little bits of leather and it wheezes with bellows at the heart of it constantly and yet it thrums with a potent magical energy. Naturally. Potent.

It sounds like you have suspicions. Well, I just think it's awfully convenient. Yes, too convenient. We're from the future. If you don't believe us, ask us something that someone from the future would only know. All right, I will. You say you come from a thousand years, if I am to understand the rumours of the court.

You come from a thousand years in the future? Yes, it's much too round a number, isn't it? One thousand years, exactly. In anything, it seems like sloppy world building. But my point is... You had a question for me. You've come back to tell us of what was going to... of what has happened. You've come back, if cast as in vowel, to be

believed, to tell us how to escape whatever perils might face us. And yet I ask you this. If you come back from a thousand years in the future, are you even Nethereese citizens? The table goes quiet. Except for one person who hasn't read the room and he's like, well, I didn't think it was bad, but I said...

Stephen! Okay. They don't think so, because how can be a citizen In a place that doesn't exist Yeah There is There is a fucking drop in the temperature And Stephen drops a glass You beat the Japan

I'm so sorry I dropped a glass I can pay for that If it's a Oh goodness Yeah And somebody says Oh, I can pay for that. If it's a... Oh, goodness. Yeah. And somebody says, this is heresy. This is heresy.

Who the fuck is this character? It's a guy with two mouths. Yeah, there is a man with two mouths. A giant eight foot tall man stands up. A giant eight foot tall man stands up. He's wearing a big fucking Ming the Merciless style giant huge fucking coat. He has two mouths, two chins, three eyes. His head start articulated but they come together. I was invited to this dinner for one reason.

For one reason. For one reason. To see if these people were heretic dogs. Heretic dogs. Heretic. Oh gosh. It just makes you sick. We're not heretic dogs. You cannot say

that the Nathreese Empire has fallen after a thousand years. Yeah, that'd be shit. That'd make you fucking... Well, it has. Okay? Or it will. Yeah. Where we come from, it fucked up, alright?

You were too busy sucking each other off and using all your energy. You didn't even think about the environment. Is that what happened? Are you pivoting? Is Friso pivoting? Yeah, I'm an eco guy. You're one of the good ones. You were caught up too much thinking about burning jet fuels.

You don't have airships, but you've got a sky admiral. Does that make sense? All of you notice that there is a huge uncomfortable energy in the room, and yet the only person perfectly at ease in his parliament of rivals is Cassius the Kind, who has sat back at his chair and is now incredibly engaged, his diary discarded, his notes no longer being taken as he is intently watching the conversation.

And the eight foot tall man Witch Hunter Dietrich Witch Hunter Dietrich Archmage shall we call the guards to dispatch of these of these just I hate them!

Yes! They spill lies and heresy about the future of the Nether-Race Empire. I mean, we didn't do it. Cassus is not calling guards. We just know about it. Now, I think we'll just hold off a second, old Dietrich. Guys, you're not seeing the big picture. You're thinking linearly.

Val, he looks embarrassed and like slaps her head. I don't think these guys have any reason to lie about what happened. But it hasn't happened yet. Don't you get it? That's the whole fucking point of these lodestones. We can fix it. They could tell me that the Netherese Empire

just sucked itself off to death which actually it kind of did. It doesn't matter. I don't care. That's not me. That's not us. The point of the lodestones is they come back and tell us what not to do.

Yes. the point of the lodestones is they come back and tell us what not to do. Yes, and I know what you have to do to save your empire. Well, that's the point. That's why these four will live. And as he says that, he gets up for the first time in his chair and he grabs Friso's hands and everyone is shocked and there is a gasp as Cassus the Kind, Archmage Supreme of Netheril... Kisses him on the mouth. Kneels.

Kneels on one knee in front of Friso. Holds, kisses him. Holding... Holding... Holding Friso's hands in his own with a look of fire in his eyes. I prostrate myself before you.

The four of you are going to make the Nethere's empire last a thousand years. Yeah, the fact that it hasn't, sure. That's a bummer for you. That's not my reality. And I have four people, one, two, three,

four, and two unconscious that are going to tell me how we're not going to fall. Don't you guys see? Don't you understand, you two-mouthed freak? This isn't blasphemy. This is prophecy. And he looks at you and then he tugs Frieza's hands and he says, So tell us, what do we have to do? Why the fuck should we save you cunts?

Well, again, I don't know your customs, but that's quite rude. All I've heard about you, all I've heard about you guys, is that you were evil a thousand years before we came around. What, you've heard that where? In, like, school and shit, you know? Well, obviously we fell. And have you ever heard the phrase, history's written by the victors?

Yeah, but you guys were... Obviously whoever vanquished us, whichever minor army, whether it was the Carthagians or the bloody, you know, lamp people, I can't make up like you do, Dave. I said... I said... I said one thing that sounded a bit Carthaginian was good.

Yeah, and then I saw a lamp and I went, all right, cos... Cos there's lamps all over the venue so I said the lamp people of the Carthage who gives a shit my point is of course they'd say that we were the worst of course they'd tell you lies look around you look around you friso frisofferson look you. What about this is wrong? We're in a utopia. We're kind. We're enlightened.

We're, like, accent aside, pleasant people. Okay, show me the lives of the free folk, and then we'll think about saving you. If you want to go on a tour of the free folk, I will take you. I will take them. And there is a look and Sky Master Kyron stands up.

There is a pneumatic whir as his servos reassert themselves as he stands upright and he says, if these creatures think that they come from the future and they have something to say to the Free Folk,

then as security officer of this city, it would be my duty and my privilege to take these four on a tour of the menial colonies. Yeah, you can do it too. That's fine. I've got boggle. You're going to play one man boggle?

He opens up his journal and it's just full of solitaire Boggle problems. Yeah, I just shake it up and I look at it and I go, what's that? I write them down. I put them in the lectum. It keeps the mind sharp. I was going to do this with you, but if you want to go with us.

No, I don't want to play Boggle with you. No, I wasn't. I was not offering. Is Boggle like the game of scholars there is there is there is an expectation still in the air it seems as skymaster Kyron stands and Karsus is supplicating himself in front of Friso, that there is an expectation of an answer from the four of you. Well, I thought you were more powerful than us. But it turns out we're more powerful than you.

Because we have something you want. So I no longer want to help you. I just want to judge you. Friso, you're saying the inside thoughts on the outside again? It is so easy, my friends,

to judge. If I fucking, if I just kill myself, your empire's doomed. You have to keep me alive. We have lodestones. Well, there's three of you too, so I don't really... We'll send up another lodestone. We'll bring back more explorers.

Are you going to try and do that? Yeah, good luck. Friso, do we need to have a talk? The point is the technology works and you guys are here. I don't know what I've done to upset you. There are palaces currently being... And a bird kind of lands on his shoulder and he takes it out. It's like, they're

ready. There are palaces ready for you. To your specifications and we got them and some of them are weird. Yeah. There's a farming pole for Bastogne. There's a, yeah. There's, you know, what's in Filges?

A jumping castle level. There's a whole jumping castle level in Filges. There's, you know, what's in Filgers? A jumping castle level. There's a whole jumping castle level in Filgers. There's a swimming pool full of Coco Pops. There's a swimming pool full of Coco Pops. And we didn't have laws for what Friso wants, and we've made them now, but we've made an exception rider for Friso's house. Yeah, we had to pass that through the bullshit fantasy senate.

Everybody goes, oh. So it's legal. It's legal in your house. You can't, whatever, you know. And they float

on their podiums and they go, oh, I want tariffs on sci-fi coal or whatever. You know, we had to pass it

through that. Look, my friends, my friends. And Karsa stands up and he says, I think this I am to blame. This dinner was too early. Our friends are obviously panicked, disoriented by their travel. And they fear the worst because they are wise, wise adventurers, and they understand that they should not trust a gift horse merely because it presents itself. Just by being here, by sharing some small measure of your wisdom with us, we can save this empire.

We can keep this peace. You probably think of yourselves as adventurers, defined by whatever act you accomplished in the six or seven years that you have fought. Yeah, just a guess off the top of my head. And yet nothing you have ever done will provide more joy and more comfort

to any people than just your being here sharing your wisdom. All you need to do now is tell us what you know and live lives of decadent luxury in this city your adventures are over you've won this is the end of all you know and the beginning of true service. Well, perhaps before we settle down to this life of luxury, we should take a tour of the common realms. Yeah.

Just as like a farewell tour. You know, like a greatest hits... No, we need to see what's going on. Yeah, situation. Make sure that people are being treated well. Yeah. All right. Well, that actually works great.

Yeah. I mean, I said I've got the Bogle thing, so Karen's going to take you on a tour. It would be my pleasure. Yeah. Yeah, take them to, well, wherever they want to go. But, like, Potemkin is probably one of the better places to... Potemkin?

Potemkin! The battleship Potemkin? The village Potemkin. Take them there and... The one with the battleship. Yeah, if you like. My skyship is birthed, refuelled, and ready to depart. We could leave tonight on the Rapture

if you are all ready for a tour of the Free Folk. If I may, just one second. Is that Val? Yeah. I might like to come. Just to supervise and see that these time travellers are still under my supervision.

I tell you what, every band needs a dealer. Okay, sure. So you've got my vote. That's one vote. Yeah, I mean, sure. That's great. Let's go. Thank you for your hospitality.

We'll pack our stuff and we'll... We'll be right back. Do you want that in the swan? Yes. Okay, some magents come and start to swan your food up. That's a saying. You can say that. No, they don't.

It's just to take it to go. Doggy bag. How would you... Doggy bag. Doggy bag. Swan it. Can Filch pull her friends aside? Yes.

Under the table. Let's go. We'll see that. Filch pulls, but everybody is too fucking polite as Filch grabs the wrists of her friends and pulls them under the table. Me and Phil are good about this. Not even a day ago, we were in the middle of fighting Strahd. So in some universe, we're still doing that.

And me and Phil are comfortable just sitting down in a life of luxury when we're in the middle of a fight. And what if we're still in the middle of the fight? No, I don't think we're still in the middle of a fight. No, we're under a table. I think we got sent back in time, Filch. And then we're under a table. There's no Filch left in our time.

You're here. Under a table. A thousand years in the past. Under a table. There's no village left where in our time, you're here. Under a table. A thousand years in the past. Under a table. This is real. Under a table. Me just think the fight may be still going, but we meant to

do it here. Okay. Under the table? No, not under the table! Oh, look, someone dropped a bit of cake. Oh, yeah, that was me. Oh, sorry. Steve! Come on!

Can I say anything? Deborah! She was named after Debbie Downer. Filch, let's just get out of Dodge, if you know what I'm saying. Have a look around and we'll come back. Get a look of the lay of the land. Play some shuffleboard. The fact of the matter is,

if we are back in time, we were always meant to be here. Because we can't change the future. Because if we did, like you said, we wouldn't exist to come back in time. But we do exist.

So anything we do here has to have happened in the past, which is their future, so we can't fuck up anything! No consequences! Deep! No consequences! Deep!

No consequences! A glorious... No consequences! ...Gossamer-like tablecloth. A pact is formed, a pact between four adventurers who have travelled further than any have ever travelled through that Gossamer strands of border ethereal that changes the way that we understand

what is this world and what was that world that passed, that final destination to the deep and dark past. It seems that the dragon friends have a choice to make to understand what side they are on, what they want with their world, how badly they want to go back, and what their understanding of the laws of time travel are. I suggest that they have those conversations quickly,

but for now we shall not follow them. For now, we will simply wait for another two weeks before the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you! Thank you! Dragon Friends, thank you! Woo-hoo! and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney. Until next time. Friendship is forever.

Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. Ben, I'm sorry, but you obviously have something on your mind. Well, I have my birthday cake in front of me. For those listening on the podcast, a week has passed, but two weeks have passed, but right now where we are,

it's still my birthday, there's cake on the table. I was about to take a bite out of this beautiful piece of chocolate cake or sponge, what do we call this? Spongy? Sponge. Sponge cake. And Alex Lee has put a D20 in it. And I almost did it and bit off my teeth.

Dave, I did it for you because I didn't want Ben to interrupt the show anymore and I thought, what better way to teach him than to break his teeth on a D20?