Dragon Friends - #7.05. A Metric Throng

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

Faced with an impossible situation, The Dragon Friends' viciousness and knack for looting might land them the second chance they need to escape the two forces hunting them. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for register today at

sunrisechallenge.ca that's sunrisechallenge.ca hello dragon friends it is hing slash friso here i just wanted to let you know some special live shows that are coming up for people in sydney on the 28th of april we are doing a dragon friends play werewolf show at the Comedy Store in Sydney. You know Werewolf. Sometimes it's called Mafia. It's a game where basically you murder your friends repeatedly over the night,

and the game ends when someone takes it personally and then goes home. We've got three special guests for that. From Triple J, you might know my radio friend, Lewis Hobber. You might also know the host of Hack, Avani Dias. They'll both be joining us. And also, Bass Space, with Hooverberry herself, Montane. She's taking a break from preparing for Eurovision to play a dumb game with us. We've done this werewolf show a couple of times and they're

just so much fun. At the time of recording I don't know if this werewolf show will be recorded to be put out anywhere else so if you're in Sydney and you want to see it, please do come along. We're also on May 12th doing a Star Wars Dragon Friends at the Comedy Store, but we'll tell you more about that later. Tickets for birthday shows are on sale. And finally, my stand-up show, Kill Hing in the Name Of, opens this week at the Factory Theatre,

the 22nd to the 24th of April. It is, I think, my best work. It's a show about my slow to sit into madness last year. Some of you may be able to relate to that, which results in me trying to fake my own death. It's a show about my slow to sit into madness last year. Some of you may be able to relate to that, which results in me trying to fake my own death. It's real funny. I really enjoy doing it in Melbourne, and the Dragon Friends who came to that really seem to enjoy it.

You can get tickets to all three of these shows at the Sydney Comedy Festival website. All right, let's get to the show. Hey, Hugh, I will literally... I think I have your bank details. I will give you $40 if I hear this podcast and that bit and this bit. I'll give you $50 to keep it in. Friendship is forever.

Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. The Dragon Friends One thousand years before the Dragon Friends first left their cosy town of Dagothord, the Sword Coast was wracked by a secret war. On the one side, the all-powerful Netherese Empire of the Archmage Karsus. On the other side, the shadowy, free-born partisans of the greatmage Karsus. On the other side, the shadowy freeborn partisans of the great

Jarr himself, Strahd von Zarovich. The dragon friends have found themselves witnesses to history itself. The end of the first age of wonder and the advent of the second age of ruin. You have met Karsus, flown with the

ardent flight, broken bread with the freeborn by the shadow of the Balinox. If only the bards could see You have also killed Karsus' Skymaster, blown up his personal skyship and teppanyaki restaurant, stolen a... And I'm still quite angry about that. Stolen a priceless magical relic and killed Strahd's own father, Paternius von Zarovich, in front of dozens of witnesses.

That was a big one. In the centre of the court of the exile. I'd say that was bigger than the teppanyaki restaurant. Look, I listened back to the podcast and it seems a crazy thing to do. Just using logic, the age of the man like you were so proud

of yourself when you did it too she's like well I saw Filge punt that brain off the side of the ship I guess in the first half and I was like

yeah you got the blood lust yeah I understand my friend but I was listening back to it and I was like what the fuck now they say that history is written

by those with the courage to act as Strahd Von Zarovich stands up at his makeshift throne, Jarek, Rym and his howlers warily approach shockpikes at the ready. And suddenly, from above you, there is an earthquaking boom as the entire court of the exile shakes. Everybody roll for me the dexterity save DC 15. Oh no.

18. 15. 25. I got an 8. 15. 25. All right. So, Friso, you collapse to the ground prone, but the rest of you are all still upright for now. And there is consternation amongst the entire court as everybody panics and a movement erupts amongst the courtiers.

Maisel Laroon, one of the two Laroon siblings, grabs from a pouch at his belt what looks like an arcane focus, a magic mirror, and holds it up above his head and then looks at it, his eyes turning white, as he turns to his sister and Master Strahd and says, The Arden Flight, they've tracked us here somehow. I don't understand. Someone must have brought a hex-locked, a hex-marked weapon into here. We've been compromised. And Strahd is like, did one of you dickheads bring a weapon in here? No. Now the way that you just said no makes me think that maybe you brought

a hex marked weapon in here. The claw of Karsus, the magic weapon that you retrieved from the rapture, by the way, has a red stone in it that is now beeping and glowing. What's that? The beeping thing This is my beeper Your what?

It's a beeper, I work at a hospital And I'm on call 24-7 You know what it's like, I'm a doctor I don't know most of what you just said You don't know what a doctor is? I know what a doctor is, you piece of shit I'm a piece of shit. I save lives, motherfucker.

You just killed my father. Yeah, you know why? I was putting you out of this misery. I work for a doctoring place in Switzerland. That's enough. You are saying too many words that I do not understand and frankly scare me. You can see that Jarek Rimmer's standing over you.

Hand over the weapon now while there's still time. Get fucked. You can get abs. You can see that Jeric Rimm is standing over you. Hand over the weapon now while there's still time. Get fucked. You can get fucked. You can get fucked. You know what? You can get fucked too. Everyone can get fucked. Can I get fucked?

I'm keeping my weapon. You can try and get fucked. We all know you're a virgin. Hey. Hey. Sorry, sorry. I thought about doing it once. Is that technically true?

This would be huge. La, la, la, la, la. I'm going to kill a vampire, all right? Now, Jarek is already reaching to grab the claw from you, but it will provoke an attack of opportunity if you want. Yes, it will. Make the attack. I'm going to make an attack of opportunity.

What is... Just make a regular attack, add plus five to it. Oh, that is 15. 15. All right, 15 hits as you knock him back. There's a crackle of electricity, but also it activates the smoking feature of your magical halberd, and the room is plunged in smoke

that only at the moment Frieza can see. Meanwhile, there's still the sound of earthquakes bombarding, hitting the top of the hidden cave complex. Earthquakes hitting the top of the cave. Earthquakes hitting... Work with me here. Work with me. Sometimes when I get stuck in a description,

it goes too far and I have a microstroke. Sure. So what I'm trying to... And it's for this reason that we have an ambulance on standby. Guys, unfortunately, Dave recently had the AstraZeneca vaccine. Luckily, if anything goes wrong, he does work at the doctoring place. He's the one in a million.

So, the Court of the Exiles is a secret cave complex hidden deep in the foot of the Balinox. It is now being rocked, roiled by a flotilla of flying skyships above the ardent flight of old Ilanar as they bombard the living shit out of the complex. It is filled with smoke because of your magical weapon and there is a rioting

mob of courtiers trying to get through. You can hear voices of those trying desperately to get out, shouting that the bombardment has already blockaded the doors leading into the court. It seems that the entire place is trapped. I'm going off to stride. Alright, you're going to need to

roll. I'm just charging in the impotent rage that only a virgin can feel. I lash out with my sword and be like, I'm going to do it eventually when it's the right person. I want to be in love first.

Die! Okay, Eric, with disadvantage, that's a perception check. That's a very emotive perception check. I've done it! I've definitely done it! 14. Okay, you race forward, tears in your eyes and rage in your belly, but instead of stride, you bump into the tiny form of Marilyn Vowell, the arcanist, who comes through the smoke towards you.

Hey, guys. Ow! What did you? Ow! This might be the last day we both live. No. This might be the last day we both live. No! The world's falling down around us. And you're a different person who's not me.

And that's what counts. Marilyn comes up to your belt buckle, okay? That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. No, listen! We have to get out of here. It's just Bastogne at the moment. Phil, do you want to? I'm going to stop, drop and roll.

Okay. I know my fire safety training. I'm going to roll over towards... Who can I see? Who is my friend? You can still see. You can go the way Bastogne went if you want. I'll follow in Bastogne's direction.

I'll roll towards Bastogne. Great. So the rest of you are gathering. Make a perception check for me very quickly. You're fine. Okay, so you make it as well. And Bobby. Am I being grappled?

Am I being held still? You're in the middle of a throng of courtiers. A throng? A throng is the word I was looking for. That's seven people. Oh sorry, is this a metric throng? Absolutely. Fuck off. You're in a throng of panicking courtiers. There is smoke all around and in your lungs

so you can't see and you're kind of trying to keep your cool. Can I hear Bastogne shrieking about being a virgin? Yes. You're close enough that you can't see and you're kind of trying to keep your cool. Can I hear Bastogne shrieking about being a virgin? Yes. You're close enough that you can see what Bastogne is. I'm going to head towards him and if I can move through the people who are twice my size, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, great.

Make it quickly. Just acrobatics or perception or dexterity. Natural 20. Natural 20. Excellent. Easily. Did you like go diggy, diggy, diggy, diggy over everyone's heads? Yeah, okay.

Yeah. Wonderful. So you're all together as a group As Val addresses the group Friso? Friso is going to Did you say Maisel? Maisel Laroon? Maisel Laroon, yeah Did you say they were holding a magic mirror?

Like an arcane focus? That's correct, yeah That's how they cast their magic Friso's going to go for that, I reckon Okay, you're going to split yourself up from the party? Well, I just... Dave, you might not know this, but I can't cast spells right now, and I really like casting spells, and

I think that if I steal the mirror... Can't cast spells or focus on one thing at a time. Alright, great. Make for me a perception check. Perception check. That is a 14. A 14. That's fine, that's fine, because you saw where they were and there's the light of the mirror

and the light of their eyes so you run forward another quick dexterity opposed oh 13 13 I rolled a 9

which means that you in the hustle in the hustle and bustle of the caves you managed to grab the mirror out of Maisel's hands before disappearing

into the smoke and rejoining with the rest of your dragon friends sorry don't make me regret it don't be weird about this okay could you just be into the smoke and rejoining with the rest of your dragon friends. Sorry. Don't make me regret it. Don't be weird about this, okay?

Could you be cool for once? All right. All right, Val, you have all of the dragon friends and mere seconds to act. Listen to me, and you listen to me later. Listen to me now. I know these caves. I was raised around here. This to me now. I know these caves. I was raised around here. This is the way out. You just come with me right now.

Okay. Let's go. Live to fuck another day. Fuck another day is my favourite bond. It's a... I thought it was weird when Daniel Craig signed on to do it. Yeah.

Val takes you and leads you to a wall, which looked, before the smoke came, like it was just a plain, unmarked cave wall, hewn from the stone with pickaxes. But as you get closer, you can see that there's a fissure cut into it cunningly to be deceptively invisible from the front on. And she slips in through, and the rest of you can slip through as well

if you want to follow her deeper and darker further down into the caves. Let's do it. Friso, you've got to leave that sword here or those guys are going to follow us. No, the sword's going to do the smug. If we run, the smug will be behind us. This is saving us.

The bad people will find you if you keep the sword. But I like having it. If you don't have a beeper, you don't have to go to work. Why don't we take this... All right, fine. Fine, I'll get rid of the sword. You could, I mean...

No, no, fine, I'll get rid of the sword. But next time we need to... Next time you need to get into a hospital, you know, or a doctoring place... Me was going to say you could take the little stone out if you wanted to, get Bobby's little fingers onto it, or you could just have a tantrum and leave the sword here.

Up to you. No, third option. We're keeping it. Let's go. I really feel like Alex has started to play this game differently since she's had a toddler. All right. So you're going to keep the sword, the she's had a toddler. All right. So you're going to keep the sword, the Claw of Chiron.

Yes! Stop judging me! Friso dives into the cave as the smoke begins to clear. You now only have seconds to act. Bobby, as everybody ducks through, Bobby, you're the last one through. Yep. Can you quickly make for me a dexterity saving throw? DC 16.

17. 17. All right, great. So all of you are able to make your way down deeper and deeper into the caves. One thing that they can hear is like, I know that you may have thought you've escaped, whoever the fuck you are, but I'm telling you,

I'm going to spend the rest of my stupid fucking life trying to kill you. Hear me on this. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck, I can't remember how many of you, but N being how many of you are, times fuck you. You killed my father. You gave away the location of my hideout. Fuck you!

And it kind of dies away. Now the smoke is leading behind you and actually... Phil goes, who is that guy? I'll never see him again. You're moving quickly now, but you have a small lead on the people that are already following you. The bombing is continuing and you're going further and further down. Actually, Bobby, can you also make for me, as you walk through these smoke-infested corridors with disadvantage,

a perception check for me? That is a eight. Okay, cool. So you continue further down and down, trying to find your way, but you all quickly seem to get lost, and you're very much relying on Val, who is walking with, it has to be said, less and less purpose and decision with every footstep as she leads you further and further down.

You can hear the awkward sounds of guards, howlers, from above in the caves trying to reach you. What makes them awkward? They're wearing those kind of still suits, the big rubbery suits. Oh, they're like after you. I think it's squeaks. Oh, like a fake leather sofa? It's a very thin corridor, yeah, and they're trying to get down one at a time.

Oh, and they're like after you. No, after you. Val, do you know where we're going or have you gotten lost? No, I've got to put it. You know, it's a funny story. I used to play in these caves when I was... It's a yes or no question. Where are we?

Okay, we're in a cave. Well, that isn't a yes or no question. Thank you, Phil. Who's signing you on? I don't know. You say fuck me? Maybe fuck you. Maybe fuck me, huh?

Maybe fuck you, Val. Not like Bastogne, right? It's okay, Val. I'm definitely going to do it. Jay is... Hey, listen. Wait, what? Val is standing in front of a doorway in a dead end.

Well, other than the doorway. Okay, so what is wrong with my head? A door at the end of the corridor. I have a pretty good idea. Let's go through here and we need to have a little chat, okay? So just buy us some time. Time is the name of the game, okay?

Just, we need time. Do we need cards or dice or how does it work? Just get in here. How do we get in? The door, Val opens the door and you are all bustled into what looks like a small supply room. There are some furs on an old crate. Do you mean the soup?

What? Boom. Sorry, but this is a world where teppanyaki exists. So it's possible that Vietnamese cuisine also exists. A ten foot by ten foot room with stone, a couple of stones on the floor, an old crate, a table, some furs laid on the crate. What do you mean?

A conspicuous fucking lack of exits. Other than the one that you came in, this is a dead end. The end of the corridor and the sound of the guards is getting closer as Val desperately tries to bar and shut the door. This is your great plan? To lock us in a supply closet? Look, this is not my whole plan. But I will admit it's not a great plan, okay? So if we're ranking plans from good to bad,

you know, you put this in the pile close to its bad end. Now all of you make another. It's been a while since we've made constitution saves because of the time sickness that you're all suffering from. I crashed that one. Yeah, I crashed it too. 20. 19 plus 20.

You were with disadvantage because you didn't take your medicine. Oh, yeah. Why didn't I do that? I was going cold turkey or something. Oh, no second one. Very bad. That's a two. So, Asvel That's a two. So, as Val turns...

And a four. Both Bobby Pancakes and Filch start bleeding from their ears as very gently Filch falls down to her knees, holding her little tummy. So, listen, as far as I'm concerned, this is the best worst plan you have, okay? But how do we get... Can anyone here move earth or

manipulate we don't need to move where i think i can move you when when interesting okay you have any of your little machines listen and she takes out of her thing a little um look it's a bag of drugs so you can put fantasy stuff on that however you like it's a twist of leather and inside it there are four glass it's a bag that buttons would come in. Four glass ampoules in a twist of leather. Inside those ampoules you can see what looks like a brilliant blue powder.

We can go any when we want. No, that's not what I'm saying. We can go to any year in history. That's absolutely not what I'm saying. Summer of Love 1969. Let's go. What do you want to do in the Summer of Love 1969. Let's go. What do you want to do in the Summer of Love 1969? I've got a vendetta against Jimi Hendrix.

Listen, all this will do in theory, and I really do emphasise this is in theory, is take people who are suffering chromatic dysfunction as you are and unstick you from where you are. Imagine, for example, that, uh, do you know a rubber band? I think we have them now. Imagine that from the time that you're from, you were pulled,

but this rubber band is taut, and it's trying to pull you back, but you're stuck in place. So this will send us back to the future. I wouldn't use that exact construction of words. But it will cure your time sickness. Yes, because the rubber band being taught is what's making you sick. What if we just cut the rubber band?

Oh, if we cut the rubber band. Look at this cut the rubber band guy. Oh, okay, cool. Do you want there to still be a moon? Because that's how you lose the moon. I'm so sorry, I had no idea. But what we can do is unstick you from the ground and you go boing this way.

Arcanist Val, as she's saying this, unwraps the twist of leather and gives each of you an ampule instructing you to break the glass and take the powder from inside and place it under your tongue and wait for it to dissolve. Now listen, here's what you need to know. If this works, okay. First of all,

full disclosure, if this doesn't work, you die very badly. But honestly, we're trapped, thanks to somebody, so that's gonna happen anyway. So how long in between taking this and it actually taking effect? You know what? You don't have time, Bastard!

I do have time. There's always time. And he starts to take off his one item of clothes. No, wait! Wait! You beautiful man! Say that again. You beautiful...

Stop it. Oh, no. I want you to think about where you were when you touched the lodestone, because that's pretty much where, if I'm right, you're going to come back to. Was it underwater? Was it under the mountains? Was it hot? Why would it be underwater?

Was it cold? Like, where were you? It was in... It was in a turret. It was in a turret. It was in a turret. It was in Barovia? In the snow. No, was it in Barovia?

In Old Netheril in the north, in Icewind Dale. It was in Icewind Dale. So, okay, great. Now, I don't mean the soup. Take this first, okay? I don't mean the soup. I burned myself. I said I didn't mean the soup.

Take this first. Wrap yourself in this first because you are going to arrive back where you started in Icewind Dale. Once you get unstuck and the rubber band goes boingy, you will find yourself two things. One, probably cured of this chromatic displacement.

And two... Chromatic means color. Yeah, I think you meant temporal. Oh, sorry, did you go to special fantasy university? I am suitably chastised. Because I do mean chromatic because Val's theory of time travel

has to do with the colour spectrum so I need to draw you a fucking diagram. I would actually love... Can you explain a little bit more about that? Because I like synest it. Can you explain a little bit more about that? Is it like synesthesia? It is exactly filled like synesthesia. How do I know that?

There are a certain type of person who are born. It's about one in 20,000 who can see time in the way that synesthesia people can see noise. What colour is time? Time, what you're talking about, it's a past, a future, it's a present. Do you mean like people that can see noise. What colour is time? Time, what you're talking about, it's a past, a future, it's a present. Do you mean like people that can see through time? No, I mean people who are like,

oh, I'm having a memory that it was like a... So you mix red time with yellow time, you get orange time, is that... Hey, now we're cooking with time. It's very complicated. The further back you go into the past, it's kind of blues. The further you go into the past, it's kind of blues. The further you go into the future...

Oh, absolutely. Fuck this. Yeah. At this point, the powers have dissolved completely and all of you feel yourselves slipping into unconsciousness as your sight recedes, your eyes roll back into your head and you pass out. The last thing that you see, all of you, is Val staring at Bastogne as he slowly, his beautiful face.

By the way, I'm trapped. I didn't want to make this a downer for all of you, but the drug only works with people who are displaced. So it's been real. You feel bad for eating the food? As you struggle to stay awake, you can hear splintering as the door a huge battering ram starts to hit the door and Val turns away slowly

a tiny gnome to face a large wooden door. Hey, but you know what? It works. Goodbye, Val. And that's pretty cool. And all of you fall unconscious. For a second there is a great sensation as if being buffeted around by a huge, powerful wind

lost in a blizzard spinning and spinning into the ether. And then, with a huge shock to your system, sweat pours down the backs of your necks as you realise with exhilaration, with adrenaline pumping in your veins that you're all still somehow alive. And not just alive all memory of the time sickness has been replaced by just a deadening sense of euphoria mixed with exhaustion tonguing the back of your mouth friso you even discover that the teeth that you lost have been

returned your bodies are back together and you can only assume that Val's magic has worked as your eyes swim into focus to discover yourself standing on a beautifully paved highway inside a giant city. The flagstones warm under your feet, impossible ziggurats of metal, chrome and silver looming up above you while it seems impossible carriages fly and whiz overhead. There is light. There seems to be flickering magical images broadcast on the sides of these buildings. Oh, no.

Guys, guys. Oh, no. It's been a thousand years and Bastard is still a virgin. God damn it. Oh, I've got to get rid of this thing. Despite the traffic overhead, the streets are curiously empty. Everybody make for me quickly perception checks. Oh, perception checks. Oh, yeah. Not very good 23 19 21 fast on turning away from the

brutal bullying of your friends you find yourself desperately to look for it at anything else studying a wall of one of these giant uh towers to the of the road. And in the light, you can see that there is a figure drawn, emblazoned four stories high on the side of this tower. As you walk towards it, you can see that it is a mural done in the heroic style of the profile of a man standing while skyships fly in perfect formation over his head, emblazoned above that on a tapestry is, other words, our immortal leader. And underneath that, you can see that it is the face of Strahd von Zarovich.

Holding two items close to his heart. One, a sword that you recognize all too well, the name sword of Sergei Vanzarevich, and the other, an old leather journal, impossibly old, its cover cracked and broken, but a skilled muralist has made it still legible as you can still see the letters of the title, the terrible and lamentable history of the ancient House of Strahd. and lamentable history of the ancient House of Strahd. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. You got that on the mural, huh? Wait, so do I have my swords? Do I have my book? You got that on the mural, huh?

Wait, so do I have my sword? Do I have my book? Someone fill G in real quick on this one. Baston, you do still have your sword. As you quickly grab your backpack, Bobby, and you open it, you quickly rifle through it to discover that it looks like all of your items are in disarray and something has been filched from it. The book is gone. I grab a parcel by and say,

you there, you there, what year is it? Okay, well, there are, the streets, as I said, are mostly empty, but there are... Why is Christmas Day? What? But there is a small orphan selling newspapers, I guess.

And to play... Tom Tom you want to play This orphan Yeah It's Christmas day We've got to get home Do a backflip Have some turkey You know what I mean

What It's Christmas I can't talk on the street I I Snap out of it I've never been Slapped by a virgin before

Sorry I didn't want to make An assumption but he's a virgin, right guys? Wait, how could you tell? Oh, you know, it's your hands are very soft. You've got soft virgin hands. Dammit, tell. Well, what year is it? Well, the year is it? Well, the year is... 1493, Dale Reckoning.

The 1,000 year anniversary of our eternal leader's great triumph just four days from now. Oh, shitty pants. I've got to kill Strahd and lose my virginity before it all goes to hell, which it already has done. Oh, don't say that too loud! You'll bring the guards around! Oh, no! And he hoofs it, because you see,

coming down the other way from this highway, are two figures in blue, high, narrow-coloured jackets, and with gold sash cummerbands, and each of them holding vicious-looking black truncheons and wearing on their lapels, just above their hearts,

silver badges of a bat with its hands wrapped around a globe. And I said to him, I said, you know, if you want pay us overtime, you've got to, you know, actually... You've got to put it in the logbook. You've got to put it in the logbook. You've got to put it in the logbook. You can't be in overtime saying, I worked extra. Where's the log?

Where's the thing that says, you know, and I agree that you should be paid extra. I don't think that's... I think it's only reasonable. But it's reasonable also to put it in the logbook. It says on the roster, eight hours and you've done nine. Yeah, but where does it say that?

In the logbook. Yeah, where is it in the logbook? Oi he doing what's he doing like a big old virgin the two guys walk over to the four of you now as i said you are overcome with exhaustion so any checks you're going to have to make are going to be at disadvantage until you have a chance to rest from the effect of dramatic time relocation. All right, all right, all right.

What's this here? Oi, I'd like to see some papers, please. Arrest me. I'm a criminal. I've never done a fuck in my life. And I deserve to be put away So I can fuck I don't know if that's how you want your first to go

To be perfectly honest Well I mean it's summary execution for breaking curfew So Oh well where's a place I can go and just chill Well your house Is there a lounge with like some cool vibes I'm sorry we're gonna see Is this how you would behave in a dystopia?

Absolutely. We're going to need to see some papers, please. Okay, we are travellers from a distant land. Yeah. And so... I'd like to see your travel papers, please. Is this a very paper-based society? One of the two guards...

Well, we're actually moving to paperless. Oh. One of the two guards grabs a mirror from his belt, just a standard mirror, and while this one's talking, whose name is... Steve. Steve? Steve.

Steve. Steve in Belgrave. No, ah, ah, ah, ah Steve There's four E's Oh my god And I think it might be middle C I don't know Steve and Belgrave

Steve Yeah Fuck off Grabs the mirror A mirror and looks at it While he's talking to you And then he quickly whispers something

to Steve and he goes wait a second and he takes the mirror and he shines it on each of you and he's kind of looking he's like these aren't citizens

where are your blood bag papers yuck yeah we don't have the rules are very simple only vampires allowed on the streets of

Alakov Nesk after dark I'm so sorry. Our lord let us go to the shops. Your owner, you mean. Our owner. We'll just say lord. Our lord let us go out for some errands and we are on our way back home post haste.

We went for a swim. To wash ourselves I just want to say This is going to be baffling for the podcast listeners But Filch's face does exactly what Alex's face just did Which was say something And then look really shocked and scared About how bad what you said was Filch, why did you say that?

I just said we went on air and swimming Because that would explain why we didn't have our papers. Why? Because we didn't want our papers to get wet. How long have you been in Velikovnisk? I feel I'm behind and no one's caught me up on where we are. So we went for a swim. Make, because of Filch's help, make with disadvantage.

Double disadvantage? Oh, just regular disadvantage. Ooh, what, deception? Yes. Luckily, I have deception plus eight, so I score 15. 15 is unfortunately not enough, as Belgrave takes a whistle and blows it. Although the sound is imperceptible to any of you.

But suddenly all of the glowing street lamps on this section of highway, just this section of highway, turn blood red. As the entire area gets bathed in red light. As the two of them draw their shock truncheons. And one of them makes a dive at you, Bobby. They're like, alright, we have to kill some people. Put this in the overtime book and tell you what. I win. Yeah, well, as per our conversation.

Work is work. Work is work. Put it, mark it down. Run! All right, now, Bastogne, you go first. If you want to run, there is actually a doorway on the building next to the mural. Yeah, I'm going through the doorway. All right, you dive through the doorway. Yep. Bobby, you're next. I guess I'm going through the doorway. All right, you dive through the doorway.

Yep. Bobby, you're next. I guess I'll follow Baston. All right, through as well. Filch? Yep. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Okay, quickly make the last one through is Friso.

So make for me an opposed dexterity check to see who gets through. That is a 13. A 13. All right, I rolled a seven. So you get through just beforehand and you can see that there is luck upon luck, a key still in the door as you burst through just beforehand and you can see that there is luck upon luck a key still in the door of the... As you burst through, you're in a dark... I swallow it.

OK, so the door is... Do you lock the door before you do? You didn't say you locked the door. No, I always say I lock the door. I just meant I swallow it to, like, when it comes to the point we have to hide it, I'm going to eat it. OK, great.

Well, never forget what I've done for you. But I am going to say that you lock the door and there is a banging on the door of these two guards and then it goes, after a moment, and they realise they can't get in, it goes, for now, silent, as the four of you find yourselves in a vast, open space that smells of sawdust and recent manufacture. The room is incredibly dark. Now that the door is closed, does anybody have dark vision?

Me! Oh, no, not anymore, because I'm a fucking human. Holding the claw of Chiron, you do have dark vision. I have dark vision because of the claw. And the two of you can see what looks like a giant atrium, a place where crowds will, it looks like, one day queue and wait for entrance into a giant palace of sorts. There are banners that have just been recently erected. There is furniture still covered in paint cloth. There is fresh paint on the walls

and there is a wire rack full of leaflets by the door that you have just entered. I pick up a leaflet. All right. In the leaflet, you turn around, and using your newfound ability to read, you can just make out the following. Tuh-huh-uh. Tuh-huh. Oh, my God.

You're doing really well, Phil. Monument of the Liada opened 1493 Durr. 1493 Doctor. Yep. Dale Reckoning. Learn the glorious history of our leader on the March of Progress. And there is an illustration of minecarts descending into the dark. Hate our shared enemies in the gallery of rogues.

And you can see a long corridor with huge paintings that you can walk down and then marvel at the greatest gift on level three from a student to his master. And then there is a lithograph of a beautiful viewing room with two platforms that the audience can see something that is covered by a white sheet in the lithograph. This is, as I said, a flyer to the monument of the leader, a museum, it seems, of Strahd von Zarovich and his slow and steady

but definite and obstinate rise to the top. Seems boring. I'm going to skip. You do all have a moment. Any roller coasters? Seems boring. I'm going to skip. You do all have a moment. Any roller coasters? Well, as I said, you can see the March of Progress is a series of minecarts that lead down. Oh, it could be roller coaster.

And in fact, you can see, because you are in the entryway atrium, you can actually see, just beyond a series of turnstiles, a set of these minecarts in the wall next to a lever. Each of them big black vehicles on rails. Do you get the sense that they're not

that they're like plastic minecarts where it might have just been cheaper to get actual you know what I mean? Do you feel like it's like weirdly They look both incredibly expensive and yet somehow cheap at the same time.

My question so does this look like it's like an old defunct ride or a ride that is yet to be opened? Ride that has been yet to be opened. It's all fresh paint and sawdust. Well, we've got much more important things to do, but I cannot resist being the first person on a ride.

All right, you jump in. I'll pull the lever. Okay. You guys in? Yeah. Dibs on being in the front. I want to be in the photo it's four people in a cart so you can all be in a cart together or you can take two

carts i don't know why this matters to me but somehow this matters to me best on you would be in the splash zone yes please more than anything all right great bobby and baston are in the front cart friso and and Phil are in the second one. As soon as Bobby pulls the lever and then runs and hops into the cart with Bastogne, there is a groan of winches. There is a hiss. A groan of winches? Of winches.

Winches? Sure, actually. This is going to go in my overtime. There are winches, but also there is a crackling recording starts to play that opens with a bit of tinny music and the laughter of some witches as a lovely old man's voice begins to talk as the carts lurch forward. The lights turn on and you can see that the carts are emblazoned with bats all around them.

And as you descend beneath the building on the March of Progress, you can see a tableau of animatronic figures, small puppets made... Welcome to Jurassic Park. ...of caper, wire and leather. At first, you can see figures standing inside what looks like a cave filled with boxes, a figure standing above at the top, while another smaller figure stands with a knife in the centre of the cave

as the voice begins to intone. Ah, shit. This is the story of our eternal leader, Strahd Von Zarovich. May his rule never end. Our story begins at Strahd's lowest point, fighting an impossible war with Netheril that he could never win. Disaster struck when Netheri's assassins infiltrated the Court of Exile, assassinating Strahd's father and destroying the court.

As he says this, the little wire figure with the dagger makes a feeble little flip and another figure's head pops off on a tiny spring going wild. Is it a good likeness? It's humiliating. Not respectful? It's not respectful. It's taken some of your features and enlarged them and taken other features and made them practically non-existent.

And your face is really small for some reason. Your head is normal sized, but your face is really small for some reason. Your head is normal sized, but your face is really small. Strahd was unbroken, however. In the rubble, he found an ancient book, a gift from the gods of great power. With the book, Strahd was able to defeat the mighty Nethereese and overcome countless trials, the betrayal of his brother, and

many, many assassins that were sent to stop him. You can see, you're passing through a series of tableaus here, you can see him fight a little figure that's obviously meant to be Strahd fighting his brother, getting married to his love, and then her throwing

herself from the roof of Castle of the Ravenloft, him descending to madness, but each time overcoming the trials of the gods, the trials of assassins against him, and finally a new figure as the cart descends into a new room, and you can see the figure, tiny figures of a halfling, a half-orc, a high elf, and a human man slowly ascending up a giant imposing mountain to a

castle ringed by bats. Wait. There's a high elf there? Yes. Hmm. An animatronic high elf. Does it look like Friezo? It could look like it looks like Friezo used to look, yes.

It's us. From the past. But why have they seen old friso what the fuck's going on there because when you were in the past we went to strad and we killed strad but i look like a human man possibly chinese so if he's seen a high elf that means that we've been back there as our other selves previously and that's why this whole thing fucked up. So we haven't fucked this up. This isn't our fault. This is a different timeline.

This is a timeline in which... Filgy's just going to take a time out for this one. Maybe we should go for an actual swim. But the voice crackles in. Most recently, an adventuring party of four who made it all the way to Castle Ravenloft to end our leader's life. Luckily, Strahd knew of their arrival

and had packed the castle with incendiary charges. The moment these wicked adventurers crossed the threshold of his home, it exploded and our leader was safe again. There's beautiful fireworks of crepe paper and actual sparklers. The top of the castle Ravenloft pops off and all four figures fall to their doom into the fire below. At last, however, the ride, as you get the sense that it is reaching its crescendo, at last however the ride is you get the sense that it is reaching its crescendo it arrived you arrive in a large circular room with the rails winding around and around descending deeper and

deeper into the earth as around what looks like a statue two stories tall of strad von zarovich standing imperiously though it has to be said in half construction, some of his wires and filaments still visible, clutching the sword and clutching the journal. And so here we stand in the third age of twilight in awe of our eternal leader. May his reign never end. May his enemies never know peace. May he, may he, may he, may he, imperiously, the robotic figure, the nimble right that is Strahd,

turns and raises a hand, and it turns for the first time until it is looking directly at you, Bobby, and something clicks. Its eyebrow twinges as its eyes suddenly go red and the recording falters as it suddenly lunges forward towards you with its stone and metal sword striking at you and quickly make a dexterity save. What? That's a 23. And you, Bobby, has to duck out of his cart quickly as it swipes by, missing him luckily,

and seizes up. As the room goes silent, the mechanics fail and the carts all die, leaving you trapped on the wall of the tower. I am going to find a suggestion box because there are many hazards in this. There's the sparklers and the cray paper next to each other. You are asking for a fire.

Not to mention the giant sword which nearly hurt you. Yeah, it's not great. I liked it. Not enough roller coasters are about me. I'm going to jump out and just walk along the rails to the end. All right, so Bobby, very quickly and nimbly, it's simple enough, I won't make you roll for it. You walk your way up the rails until you find a small workman's door

built into the side of the ride. You swing it open and you see a workshop. And inside that workshop, there is a figure hunched over a bench. Do the rest of you want to follow? Let's do it. Yeah. All right, so you all follow into the room. And yeah, you can see a figure with their back to you

working at something on a bench. They haven't spotted you yet, or if they have, they haven't made note of it. What do they look like? It's a tall, big figure in a robe, dressed in a suit cut in Barovian style. Can I make an attempt to grapple him? Yeah, sure. Make a grapple check.

Like I want to be like, shh. Don't talk. Yeah, heaps good day. Okay, what was it? Don't even sweat, man. On arm strike, it's a 23. Okay, it's a 23. Okay, it's a 23. All right, so Bastogne grabs the figure and slams them against a wall as they look and make a soft noise in protest.

You're surprised as you see just how big this figure is. Powerful corded muscle, a large body, seven feet tall, is slammed against the wall and their hood of their cape falls back, revealing a soft, trusting face cut with a severe haircut. You can see two things. One, the pinned just above their heart is another one of the silver badges of a bat encircling a globe. But above that badge, surprise of surprises, is a face you have seen before. For it is, in fact, the face of a trusting small-town half-orc with big city dreams called Dilj.

And to play that half-orc in the second half, please welcome to the stage, when he comes, Tom Walker. But he won't, because we're going to stop it here. No, you know, he's coming. He's coming. He's coming. He's coming. Say a cool line, Tom. Now go away! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing.

And I think some of them owe me money. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Carty. Tom Walker was also there for a little bit. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live

every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Until next time. Friendship never ends, it doesn't matter what time you're in You're still a dragon friend A fucking dragon friend Me and Alex Lee needed two swords for a sketch we were doing recently and I was going to go hire them and Alex Lee went, Nay, nay, hold your horses for one moment. I'm going to put this up on the Dragon Friends huddle

and in six minutes we had, and I counted, twelve swords. We were spoiled. It was like that, imagine the scene in Fellowship of the Ring but people keep being like, and my sword!

And they're like, no, it's fine. We have enough. Get out of here! Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.