Dragon Friends - #7.06. Opposed Hug Check with Tom Walker

Episode Date: April 29, 2021

The Dragon Friends have returned to a future not their own with a bittersweet twist. Can they navigate a monument to 1000 years of their failure to try and find a way to correct the timeline and restore the present they know Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's been very fun inviting Tom Walker to do the show. Let me just check if... Stop streaming, Tom! He wasn't in the first half, let's see if he's in the second. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a Dragon Friend! The Dragon Friends have travelled far and wide to distant worlds, to cybernetic futures,

through space, the nine known worlds and beyond, and yet in all that time, something has been missing, fulfilled. Some simple truth since the beginning of her journey, at the beginning of those humble days in Daggerford and those early adventuring steps in Waterdeep, and that was the trusting smile and laughing form of her brother Dilj, laid low in the house of the artifices all those years ago and now suddenly returned to you.

For here, impossibly, in a future that never was, from a past that should not be, in a terrifying third age of twilight, the figure of Dilj is returned to you, but he is not as he was. From a past that should not be, in a terrifying third age of twilight, the figure of Dilj is returned to you. But he is not as he was. His simple capes replaced with Barovian silks. Strahd's own sigil emblazoned just above his heart as he sits at a bench working on a small mechanical figure of filament and wire.

working on a small mechanical figure of filament and wire. Until that is, Bastogne picks him up and throws him against a wall. And to play that now slightly out of breath half-orc, that small town half-orc with big city dreams, please welcome to the stage Tom Walker! Tom Walker! Finally made it. Thank you. I have to be out of here in like ten. All right, Gilch, you are being held up against the wall

by the imposing figure of Bastogne and Druvich, exhausted and yet still strong. Where is the lodestone? Lodestone? What? What are you doing in me monument? In me monument? What? What are you doing in me monument? This is your monument? I pick Bastogne up

by the collar and I fling him against the room. I go limp like a puppy. Alright, Filch takes Bastogne and throws him away from the bench as he clutters into an expedite. I step where he was, in front of Dilj. Oh, not you throw me too. Dilj.

What? Is... Is you? You Dilj? Fil... No, you... Can't be you, Filch. You died because you're a bad person.

And a traitor. No. Me not... Me dead. No, no, no, No, no, dude. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. You're alive.

Me alive. Punch me any way you like. In the traditional meaning of half-hawks, this is like doubting Thomas for jocks. Dude, noogie the holes in my hands if you do not believe. Go to town on my groin, oh Doubting Thomas. Yeah, Dilj just... Please stick a wet towel on me butt.

Trying to... As you slug Filj in the stomach, you gasp, Dilj, as you realise that Filge is indeed flesh and bone and standing in front of you. Oh, you flesh and bone and so much more. What? How can this be? Explain later. Hug now.

OK. And I'm going to make a grapple check for a successful hug. That's 16 flats with a strength bonus. Are you making an opposed hug check? Yeah, we're seeing who's the better hugger. And I rolled a one. Oh, you get hugged.

You get hugged hard. Isn't it one that you just slither to the ground like a wet... Yeah, for a second... Like trying to hug an icicle? Yeah, the room isn't filled with the intense energy of two half-orcs hugging... Well, one of second... Like trying to hug an icicle? Yeah, the room is filled with the intense energy of two half-orcs hugging... Well, one of them really just hugging the other one. Well, all three of you watch,

and for a second there is no sound except the heavy sound of half-orcs breathing. Frieza feels really weird about this display of genuine emotion. And he's going to back away. How does Michael Hing feel about this? I feel very comfortable. Because you look very comfortable. When's the last time Michael Hing hugged a member of his family?

Well, I mean... I mean... Alex, I've been in Melbourne for several weeks, so obviously... Does your family know that you're back from Melbourne? Well... That's unfair, because I got home quite late last night. And then... Because I do live with my parents

and then they left very early for work so I imagine they've seen the suitcase but I don't this is making me feel very uncomfortable I'll be back in a second when you've got a jerk off you've got a jerk off, you... All right. As Friso visibly retreats into himself

and a faraway look is on his face... Ignore him. Let me get this straight. Where you're from Me dead Where me from You dead What?

But you're from here Because you're from here And you dead Because And you can kind of see We're both having the same triple thinking Bobby do you want to step in? This is a We start taking each other's pulse Bobby, do you want to step in?

We start taking each other's pulse. This is a difficult moment for you, Dilj. This is a difficult moment for you because you have been, ever since your adopted father, Stravon Zarovich, took you from your family at the age of six and raised you to be his inheritor and sole heir. That motherfucker! You have struggled for his approval, and with the truth that you had struggled with from a very young age,

that is, that your sister was a bad orc who would one day try to kill him in Castle Ravenloft, and that was proven true not four years ago, and he's shown you the holographic recordings of it, of her entering the threshold of Castle Ravenloft before he exploded it, killing her and her adventuring friends.

Okay, first thing. You bad? Well, I mean, how you define bad? Sound like question bad person ask. Dilj is not sure of himself and he's still holding very tightly his hand on a great club with a star drawn on it.

But you died. Well, no. So, me from the past. Yeah, let's go with that. Me come... Me... Where me from? Me come from past.

Me just come back here like two second ago. Dave, I'm like a fifth level wizard, right? You're an eighth level wizard now. Oh, okay. In fact, I've got a spell book for you. Thank you. Okay, I cast Comprehend This Shit, and I know what a timeline is. What is he casting?

Comprehend This Shit? I don't know. Comprehend This Shit? Just bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. I've got a big wizard brain. I'm thinking about Pythagoras' theorem in here. I get what a timeline is. Do you want to make an intelligence check to see if Dilj understands?

That's a 9 plus, I don't know what the fuck, but it's a big number. A nine, that would be a nine plus five. So that means that, yes. It's a 14, David. I don't have a fucking Pythagoras brain. What that means is that, Dilj, you are starting to understand that it seems that this must be Filj. So you do believe that this is Filj. It seems like it's Filj from another land,

another time, another world. You smell of different time. Two different time. Wow. You smell like fish for lunch? You see? Now, me have leftover. You want?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Dilj? Dilj. Dilj? Dilj. Dilj. You know... The Virgin. I don't think you ever met Dilj.

No, I didn't. Dilj. Dilj was just picking up on vibe. Yeah. Dilj, I've heard a lot about you. What you need to know is that your dad is the actual bad man. Okay? Because he kept my family

and the whole land I came from under an iron grip. He killed people. He wasn't very good at paying wages to his workers. Not to play Strahd's advocate, but perhaps the country you're from is bad. And the people are lazy and selfish.

Well, that's not true. The people of Barovia were hard workers. They worked. Yeah, they were hard workers because they were put to work by my father. Why do you say father? Huh? And Dilj acts like he's just called the teacher dad. Master, master.

You can take pride in this. And in fact, Dilj does think of Strahd as a sort of father. And Strahd has even called Dilj son on two occasions, written very dearly on Dilj's heart. One of them possibly sarcastically, but Dilj took it at face value. One of them was like, are you winning, son? And the other one, he was directly staring into the sun. And Dilj, Strahd has been a distant father,

but he has given you an education. He has paid for your acceptance into the Colleges of Magic at the Blackstaff Temple in Waterdeep, where you have become a master enchanter. And he has also given you the funds to pursue your many hobbies and projects, of which this, the House of the eternal leader, is one of them. You have built this museum. You built the March of Progress. I don't think he knows that he's building

this, right? Like, Strahd doesn't know that. No, this is, I think, a gift. Is that right? Yeah, this is a project that he's been working on. Kind of like, this is the big version of when your kid makes you a birthday card and you have to be like, oh. But it's like three stories large and like has some automation.

But Strahd, this is dog shit. Will you win a kiss from daddy for this? Who knows? Yeah, it's definitely, it's the kind of, yeah, macaroni made frame when you also can cast like summon elemental and things. So you can make big magical creations. Summon macaroni. Oh my God, imagine.

I'm a pasta golem. Hey, uh, Dragon Huddle? Yeah. Diljah, you just keep playing with your little robots over there, I guess. I can do that. Okay. Um, what the fuck is going on? Is Frieza coming back or what?

I don't know. Frieza, are we doing a huddle? Are you in? Yeah, sorry. I just blanked out for a second because things were getting emotional. What do we want? Are we going to kill?

This is fucked. We got to... When did even Strahd become a vampire? Was he always a vampire? Was he a vampire in the past when we met him? When did he become a vampire? Does that always a vampire? Was he a vampire in the past when we met him? When did he become a vampire? Does that matter? We need to get back to the past and stop him getting the book that he has,

which led him to making the future what it is now. It seems nice. The rides are good. But maybe we're dead? We're dead in this future? So if we're dead in this future, I'm sorry you had to hear that. Oh, he's not in the huddle, don't worry. Oh.

Well, thank you for including Dilj. So they all whisper to each other, and then Frieza turned around, yeah, and I'm sorry you had to hear that. Frieza's going to grab Dilj and be like, okay, have you put, in this museum you've made to your father, do you have anything that represents his incredible victories over the Netherese?

Uh yeah Yeah, you do actually You have some Netherese artifacts that you were going to give him in the third floor. I think Dilj is so excited he's like, wait

me hear someone hankering for a tour? He hasn't been able to show this off and he's kind of excited to treat this as a dress rehearsal for still showing his father. Okay, so Frieza's going to be like, okay, back in the huddle. If he's got Nethere's technology here, then he might have one of those lodestones

we can use to go back in time, and that way we kill Stride in the past this time. No fucking around. Why don't we just kill him in the now? Because he's already taken over the world. He's going to be too powerful. But back then, he was just a fucking loser. He was living in a cave.

We don't know how to do that. Plus, we go back, me not. We just need to grab the unloader. We just need to activate another loadster. We've done it before. Let's let Dil show us his. Take us on the tour. While you are making this decision, you are looking back at your desk,

which is a workbench with security monitors, sending stones that have small illusory figures that show you around the museum. Again, a system of your own invention. And as you look, you can see that flashpots are blasting and doors are being knocked off the north, east, and southern entrance as they blast open and figures that you recognise as the Barovian Crown Guard are starting to enter the building.

It looks like the SWAT has been called in. Right. Hey, sorry to interrupt. Dilj hadal. And I kind of like turn around away from them and hope that they'll join. Just like in a corner? Yeah.

Dilj hadal. Do you want to join the Dilj hadal? Yeah. Let's get in there. Yeah, we'll get in there. Dilj what? I'm so glad this worked. Okay.

Did you work up with the Barovian royal guard at all? Because it certainly seems like someone did and that they're here. And I don't think I did. Yeah, that was us, sorry. Yeah, we did, sorry. Oh, no, no, no. But don't you have defences in this castle you built? Yeah, I've got the defence that it's incredibly interesting,

although it'd be slowed down learning about our glorious leader. Sorry, what? It'd be slowed down learning about our glorious leader. They'll be slowed down learning about our glorious leader. Let's do the tour but extra quick. Oh, but there's so much information to squeeze into so little time. You can do it. We believe in you. We just want to hear about the victory over the Nethereeves.

Oh, but it doesn't make sense if you don't get the stuff before it. Okay, just go. Just start. Begin. You're wasting time. Okay, in the beginning there was either a big bang or a loud squelch. And so the stars exploded outwards. Scholars are split on the sound, but we all know its source was crazy big. And so we all came to be, eventually.

But that's even... Which is definitely an overtime situation. So I'm just going to... Coming through here here stepping through broken glass no we don't have time let's just start with the best thing

as you say this you walk them up to a balcony that overlooks the gallery of rogues which is a long corridor with huge portraits

of Strahd's eternal enemies you can see a huge portrait of Karsus the kind you can see a large

imperious looking portrait of Sergei Von Zarovich. And you can see also portraits of each of the dragon friends. Friso looking very human. How would he have seen me human this time? He saw you human. But that was a thousand years ago. Did he paint the painting himself?

Did he paint the painting himself, Ben? No, I think he described it. These four people who came and killed my father and he got pretty good luck. Strahd has seen Friso both as human and as high elf. That's correct. And you know that Friso existed a thousand years ago as a human and died four years ago as a high elf.

Dave, are the guards coming? Yes. I want to stand stock still in front of my portrait stop moving your eyes back and forth paintings do this only if they're very good beautiful okay all right make for. You are standing on the balcony level, which is where the portraits are hung. So make for me, I guess, a stealth check. No, you know what?

If the camouflaged background that you are camouflaging yourself against you is a perfect reproduction of your form, you can have advantage. Wait, wait, but it's old ponytail baston. I'm now bald. Oh, yeah. I'm now bald.

No, no, no, no. No, no, this is from an hour ago. No, they're the original ones. Actually, as you look further down the corridor, you see another four dragon friends. However, this time Baston doesn't have an eye patch and has a full head of hair. This time Friso is a high elf.

This time Bobby doesn't look like such a gothic sad sack. I ditched that last season. Phil that classic look never change you can't tell right now because you're all making self checks for me. What checks or stealth? With advantage. Okay, I did better this time. 22. 22? 15.

26. 26? 19. You see a group of four guards pass for a second. What are you doing, by the way? I'm standing directly in the middle of my museum. None of them see you for a second. What are you doing, by the way? I'm standing directly in the middle of my museum. Okay. None of them see you for a second until the four guards arrive and the sergeant turns

and clips off a salute to the scion. Oh, goodness. Four here, ready to learn. Please, no saluting. Alright, sir. I've heard some intruders came here. Oh, nothing intruding except you on...

Hey. Sir, if you're in some distress, perhaps you could give us a sign, maybe a wink or a... If Dilj interprets that to mean that he has to hold his face perfectly still. No, everything fine. In fact, all I want on you is that to go.

Might be a halt alarm. Sir, have you heard anything? Have you seen anything? There should be four in here, according to our reports. They came through the southern entrance. Four? Oh, no, no, no. Haven't seen or heard anything except the thrum of industry bringing my me monument to life. Well, if it's all the same for you,

we're going to leave a security detail on each floor and bring in the sniffer dogs to sort of root these bastards out. Me understand. But it not all the same to me. For to have those and those dogs introduced into the museum would rob them of the joy of the premiere.

These are low level members of the Royal Guard, the Barovian Royal Crown Guard. So make an intimidation check. That's an 11. With advantage because you outranked them. Yep, that is a 15. A 15.

15 plus, I don't know what my fuck... What's your intimidation, though? Oh, it's fucking high, dude. I'm wearing a... I'm wearing a collar. Oh, 15 plus your intimidation. Yes. Plus yours is 19.

All right. Well, this is a... I'm just going to have to go and make a collar. Oh, 15 plus your intimidation. So that's plus four, so it's 19. All right. Well, this is a... I'm just going to have to go and make a call. We're going to have to let the leader know. That's fine. It's more overtime for me, you know. Oh, I tell you what. I tell you what.

I'm going to buy a flat screen. We hear what you're saying. We're going to set up outside the museum. By the way, a flat screen in this world is a television. Magical television. Absolutely. Or I can watch all my magical programs. Like?

Bewitched. Bewitched? Yes, go on. Charmed? I like Witches of Waverly Place. I like to watch... Oh, do you know. I like to watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch. And magical soccer. The guards respectfully retreat as they all set up a perimeter outside the building,

respectfully keeping the artists's integrity of their surrounds. Do you think they're excited to see the monument eventually? I think they have never been more excited about anything in their lives. Yeah. Before they were like we just thought did you hear the man in there before talking about how oh my

god I've got to get tickets. It's like Fantasy Hamilton. It's not. So they've also got Fantasy Hamilton. Yeah, it's called Fantasy. Does that mean they have real Hamilton as well? Or is Fantasy Hamilton about like a cat or something? No, the whole thing's called Fantasy Hamilton.

It's always called Fantasy Hamilton from the start. And it's about? It's about a guy called... How does a bastard eat a pork? A man who is a ham? Is a ham? Nope. Yeah, it's about a man who's a ham? He's a ham? Nope. Yeah, it's about a man who's a...

It's terrible. It's about a man who's a ham. It's a very bad musical, but at the end, the lead singer gets executed every night. Just shot full of arrows, and that's why it's popular. And what?

They bring him back to life. Yeah. And so excited at last about the creative dramatic arts, the crown guard retreat and Dild, you feel a rivulet of sweat pour down

behind your ear as you allow yourself to exhale your eye to twitch once more and the dragon friends at last descend from the portrait frames in which they are hiding. Alright, now, we may not have much time for portrait room, so me say let's skip this room and continue on. You can have, if you wanted to quickly have a look at the portraits as you pass.

What kind of, wait, are there portraits? Wait. I want to check if I did look better with bangs or without bangs. There's any way to know. Okay, make for me a perception check. Fifteen. Oh, not bangs was better. Oh, it's going to take ages to grow out.

You're going to have to clip it up. But does it say Filch on my picture? It says Filch who came first And Filch who came again So you know about The two Filch? You know about the time travel? Me just put up the paintings buddy Just kidding yes I me know

Okay well this is easy Me Filch who came first Now me come again But this Filch never come second Wait no I did break me did that first different time yeah but your second field is me first village this think of us as dragon friends number three why why would I do that no boo no why would that help It's like a third iteration

It's not related to the first two And are the same people What is Dragon Friends 1 and 2 Where are they Oh sorry Okay so season 1 Began in about I would say

Okay so first of all Watch your podcatcher Because we need to know that Yeah Season 1 There's some audio problems Yeah But here's the thing

Season 2 I think a lot of people think it was our best work because we were working off source material, but it wasn't as creatively fulfilling for us. No? I thought it was a good risk. This bit's failing, all right? I go into the portrait gallery.

You've left the portrait gallery now? Hey, Baston, did yours say Baston who came first or came second? No, not at all, because you're a virgin. Oh! Hey, Dilj, call us people back. There's been a murder. Got him! All right, you make your way up a set of stairs

at the end of the gallery of ro Rogues up onto the third floor, which is by far the area most in need of renovation. It is still very much half-baked. It is also the area where you keep a lot of the projects that you are working on, of which you have had some successes, some more than others. There's a basketball hoop set up. Goes for a while there, Dilger's just like,

you know what, three-pointers can't be that hard. Turns out they're pretty hard. Wait, so it's a monument to your dad and also, like, failed hobbies that you did? That's the two parts of the museum? Me have a lot of time. And also, me am the heir to someone who can never die. So it's kind of

a lot of income, low expectations. It's a real Jiro dreams of sushi situation. It's also some really shitty taxidermy where he's clearly half-assed making a bear. Yeah.

There's a lot of assembled but unpainted Warhammer armies. Oh, that's what you want, is that? You didn't like the Jiro Dreams of Tsuji reference, but the Warhammer stuff kills? Thank you. Thank you. Motherfuckers.

Anyone listening to this later, I will need you to personally message me and tell me if you liked that joke. Because right now, it's only Simon in the room laughing. Very clever. Dilj, you have kept a lot of devices up here. And one of the things that you...

I quickly sweep some of the wetter devices under the bed. Yo, are you sleepy? Is this your bed? Yeah, there is a bed here up here in this large, vast space. I'm trying to impress my sister. Oh, me sleep anywhere me want. Watch. And I close my eyes.

Dilch. Dilch. Where are mum and dad? Well... Our mum and dad. Yeah, no, me no. Okay. What's this attitude?

No, no, gety, that's all. Me just trying to clarify a thing for you. Oh, me big fancy wizard now. Ooh, look at me. Okay, well. Just, but seriously, where's mum and dad? Okay, well, me think they dead. Me taken when me was six from, Sorry. I was taken...

Father hates it when I do the me stuff. I was taken when I was six from my parents and from you. And raised here, which is... What? Kobe. And he misses. Wait, is Kobe? It's a spell.

It's a spell. Okay. I was checking. Basketball, when he says Kobe, the basketball gets this beautiful shimmer and the hoop gets this beautiful shimmer and then they just never meet. Complete air ball. But you get the sense that if they did, it would be this beautiful,

explosion of colour. Incredibly satisfying moment. Now, as you're walking them towards your gallery of Nethere's artefacts. Yeah, I'm showing them all their stuff. What have you got? If there's anything here that can help you, may want to show you.

I want to show you. I want to show you. Dilj walks you onto a balcony on a viewing platform on a split-level room, a giant circular room. You're on a balcony looking down, and there is a series of daisies in this room, pillars, and they have small devices that, Dilj, you have paid various archaeologists and, indeed, just villagers of the dale around you because velikovniv

although it is a heated city velikovnisk is still in icewind dale it's just strads magic that is keeping it warm i'm walking them in me think it's so important to financially support local archaeologists and kind of buy local whenever you can when it comes to archaeological services. So, me get these devices. And you can see a couple of devices around. There is a shock pike, a full howler suit that is decayed and old and stiff on a mannequin. And behind it, a huge figure that has a white sheet draped over it. What's under the sheet? More wet devices?

Me? No, no, no, no, no. Wait, you saw the first wet devices? Frieza's going to pull off the sheet. All right, Frieza, you walk forward and you pull off the sheet and it reveals two things. One is a giant pillar stone, just like the one that you saw in Icewind Dale not that many days ago, but also 2,000 years, depending on how you look at it.

And in front of it is another figure of wire and leather and iron, which in the shape of a vampire count that never forgave and never forgot, it is the figure of Strahd. And it is standing there as if like a puppet on invisible strings between you and the pillar stone but its face as the sheet reveals it is staring directly at Bobby with its head slightly tilted

to the side. Me thought museum wasn't spooky enough. Yeah that sucks. Put the sheet back on. Put the sheet back on all of it? Alright. Is this a lodestone? This is Put the sheet back on all of it? All right. Is this a lodestone? This is a lodestone, and in front of it is a nimble right

that you have been building, one of several that you have built for the museum, none of them quite working, all of them slightly malfunctioning, but none of them working as bizarrely as the one today which attacked you, Bobby. So am I, Dave, in this world, a 30-year-old man trying to get into hobbyist robotics?

Like a man in his 30s? I mean, I just think that microprocessors are fascinating and affordable. Okay. And you drive a truck. That's how you said Dave was 30. You've got to take with one hand and give with the other. You wear a wig and drive a fucking truck in a video game. Not all the time.

Sometimes I sit very still and wonder how I came to be this way. Anyway, yeah, we're looking at my stuff. I'm like, it's not great. But, you know, as a first or third or even fifth attempt, we think it's pretty okay. Sure seems to have taken a shine to you, Bobby. Now, with the sheet, you put the sheet over it? Yeah, that...

You get the sense that it sort of seizes and clicks and moves, but then the sheet settles and it seems to be still again. How is it... Does it have a part of stride in it? Why does it focus on me? Oh. Glitch. You know.

This stuff. You hear from under the sheet like, Hello and welcome to the Museum of Strahd. Are you doing Triple J Strahd? We've got some great tunes coming up, so stick around. Unless you're the ones who betrayed me all that time ago. Yeah, and then it goes... Oh, my goodness.

Maybe it is. The answer to that is actually quite simple, which is the Dilj that you've enchanted it. As an enchanter, you are able to attune devices with the presence of another person, and you have been given, over the years, gifts by Strahd, and you have used these gifts as focuses

for each of these animatronics. So they have a small measure of Strahd in them. And is there, like... I mean, are you fucking with, like, deep gnome DNA? Because they're, like, that... Sounds... Weirdly, that is the archetypal voice that is beneath all voices.

So, all accents that are learned otherwise, me discover this in me study, me 8th level wizard. All voices, if you stop putting effort in to sound like you, you eventually end up sounding like all things return to this.

Me sorry. Got stuck there. Worried that the winds change. All right. Bastion walks up to the lodestone. How did we turn this thing on the last time? I don't remember. We smashed Strahd's head into it.

Right. So if we ram this nimble right into this thing again, it's got a small piece of Strahd into it, maybe that'll work. Filge, will you do the honours? And then we go back in time? Yes, and then we'll fix everything. Wait, just a minute.

Are you here because you didn't fix everything, right? Yeah. Okay. And you're saying that now you're going to fix everything? Well, in our world, what happened was you were eaten by a dragon and we used the rest of your body to prop open a door. What the...

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Prop closed the door. And I look around at this museum that you've made and it's very nice, but I wonder if that was a better use of your skills. Let's go again, Bert, let's go, come on! Dil just got this tiny look and his eyes turned tiny as he sits down on a bench next to one of the pedestals. Let me just take a moment. Let me just go talk to my brother in Orkish.

Do you want me to come? We're not going anywhere. No, I can help though if you want. No, you've done enough. Okay. And I switched to Orcish. Okay. My dear brother.

That is unfortunately, canonically, what Orcish sounds like in the Dragon Friends. Southern. Dilj speaks Orcish sounds like in the Dragon Friends. Southern. Dilj speaks Orcish too. You know this, Tom. You know this. Why, I do declare that Some of the

Some of the things that Frizo said Might have sounded a little crazy to you Right? But I mean, feel free to come at any time I say, I say, feel free to come at any time. I say, I say, I say, filch. Your boy there really hurt my feelings.

He sure did, he sure did. My goodness, that man's about as sharp as a wall and twice as thick. man's about as sharp as a wall and twice as thick. Why, I just want it to be known between us that every day since you died, I've regretted. I'll wake up thinking about it and I go to sleep

with my stomach just in a knot. And I want you to know that I betray every single one of these motherfuckers just to bring you back. Well, considering I have been brought back, I do believe you can count yourself back. And unfortunately, years of not practicing Orcish at the instruction, the firm insistence of Strahd that he leave the language behind,

Dilge feels that he has to break back to the common tongue that he's been trained in. Yeah. Me, sorry. Okay. Me think. And I switch to, what is the language I speak? I think I'm fluent in Gnomish. You are fluent in Gnomish.

Yeah, yeah. Do you speak Gnomish? I speak Common and Goblin. You speak Common and... Can Goblin understand Gnomish. You are fluent in gnomish. Yeah, yeah. Do you speak gnomish? I speak common and goblin. You speak common and... Can goblin understand gnomish? Should have used your ass. You can both speak common. Common is fine. No, but do you want another language?

I was just thinking it might be... Oh, you speak tongues. So you can cast tongues and then you can speak in goblin. Okay. We can do goblin. Okay. You want to goblin? Me meet you in goblin? Okay, me meet you in goblin. Okay. We can do goblin. Okay. You want to goblin? Me meet you in goblin? Okay, me meet you in goblin. You go first. I cast tongues.

Which I guess means you can now speak goblin, which we have not canonically decided what it sounds like. So up to you, Tom. I guess I wasn't me saying. You fucking, don't shake your head at me. You know full well there's about two voices that are okay to do. Go ahead, thread the needle. Try not hitting Italian. That was all that was in there?

Just Italian for you? What about British? Yeah. What about wonderful? What about wonderful Chinese? What about wonderful Chinese? Honestly, Tom, could you just for a second do wonderful Chinese?

At this point it feels racist that you're not doing wonderful Chinese. Honestly, Alex and I just want to be treated like everyone else does. Just for one sitting. If you're willing to do, I don't know, Southern American or British or Italian. Southern Chinese. Why not Southern Chinese?

Cantonese, for example. I really have been loving the podcast, but the most recent episode was pretty pro-Italian and anti-Chinese, as far as I can tell. Hey, guys. Hey, let's keep it going. Hey, who the fuck is this guy? Let's hear it.

Let's listen. He's a fucking guy coming in here. Did you know I speak in a goblin too, huh? Yeah, baby. This guy. He's speaking in a goblin. Oh my God, he's speaking in a goblin. Tell you what he's goblin.

The lasagna. The two wonderful animatronic homunculi that Dilj created earlier walk past with a giant pizza pie and disappear, leaving the two of you who now are able to speak in common because the other dragon friends have made a... Is there anybody here who has Italian as their first language?

Thank God. The rest of the dragon friends give a respectful distance except for Friso until Bobby firmly takes him by the hand and leads him away and the two of you have a chance to talk I set them at peace I just think

listen I always know you're not a cruel or evil person but I guess I just forget you're not a cruel or an evil person. But I guess I just forget. You know, all of this time, memory grows weaker and weaker. And eventually, I just don't believe a stride. He gives me so many things.

He gives me presents. He gives me gifts. He gives me knives. You look back. You look from Dilj's trusting face wondering if he can trust you back to the lodestone knowing that the moment that the lodestone

cracks, all the people touching it will be able to travel back in time 1,000 years together. Come with me, brother. Come back. Come back in time. I assure you what a monster this stride really is. Well, you know what? Even if you're wrong, me having been working so hard on museum, me deserve a holiday. And Filge reaches out with her hand and Dilge takes it as Filge very slowly walks her younger brother back to the dragon huddle. huddle as you all gather around and baston solemnly takes the cover blanket covered figure of the strad animatronic and pulls its head back ready to smash it into the lodestone as all of

the dragon friends and dild hold hands around it and at that moment you suddenly feel you all hear a noise a buzzing sound that's coming from Diljah's pocket ah pocket bee you reach into your pocket and you pull out the last thing you would be expecting to make any noise it's a childhood toy in fact one of the only things that you have to remember your family that stride gave you on your seventh birthday, telling you that it was a gift from your parents. And you hold it towards the dragon, friends, as all of the rest of you recognise, unmistakably, the silver flip phone that Mr Sour gave you, Bobby,

all those years ago. And it's buzzing well you gotta take it hello bees hello bees the voice is distant but it is unmistakably Strahd Monzarovic. Hey, am I on speaker? Put me on speaker if I'm not on speaker. Okay, just give me a second. There's a button there. Okay, yes, I've got it.

Have you got the button? No, just give me it. Okay. You said you had it before, but have you got it now? No, I'm sorry, I pressed the wrong button. Hello, who's this? Oh, you can hear me, Baston. Oh, fuck. Ha ha.

Oh, holy fucking dooly, guys. Time travel's a bitch, isn't it? For me, oh, God. And this is the funny thing. For me, it's been about a thousand years. But for you guys, what's it been? A couple of hours? Anyway, I'm glad you've been keeping busy.

And as you can see, so have I. I thought, because it's so weird. It's so weird to know when it's going to come because a thousand years, then bingy bongy, then loadstones, all that stuff. I thought it would happen within the week and I thought I'd be there to meet you, but you met Dilj first, which is actually really funny. G'day Dilj, how you doing? Good, thank you. You want to switch to Goblin? Okay.

I'm sorry to interrupt. Hey, I'm sorry. Sorry. He says he's sorry. Thank you, Dilj. Such a close study. Have you met this boy, this beautiful boy of mine? Have you seen?

He can speak these languages. I rescued him from this terrible, awful family that I just made sure over the course of a thousand years would actually... Yes. First of all, you're welcome. Second of all, you understand how all of this works, right? That a version of you in a former timeline

made a deal with us to change the timeline and bring you, who used to be him, to where you are today. The dragon friends vilified for an age. Are your compatriots? We got you to where you are today. Now, did I kill your father? Yes. Did that seem like a crazy, stupid thing to do, an individual to kill a man's father in front of him?

Of course. Sure. Yes. That does... But why would he do that? Unless it was to trigger a new age of Strahd. Engineered by Strahd himself. God, you know, know bobby pancakes i'd never thought of it that way and you know it's so funny because i spent this thousand years just thinking about how weird

it is that you came and just like came into my life and killed a member of my family who meant so much to me. A man who had been gentled by a society who had taken the reign from his generations before him. Absolutely all that stuff. And, you know, I was thinking about that for so long, about what it would be like to watch somebody who you really cared about die just for no reason. Except to bring you where you are today. That sounds so good, but check this out.

And the badge with a bat's head around a globe suddenly starts to beep as its eyes flip and you hear three sharp beeps. See, I've just spent so long just trying to figure out how to do this. Do you know how hard it is to work out through a thousand years to make sure that the Filge line stays the Filge line so you can get the Dilge and the Filge, and they all have rhyming names. It's very confusing.

Adopt them, get you to this point, and well... The beeping is getting louder and louder and louder. I'm going to go ahead and make an attempt to get the beeping thing off me. You start to tear at it but suddenly you find that the normally quite placid badge little claws on the bat have suddenly activated and are gripping into your shirt with disadvantage

for me. Quickly make a dexterity check. Okay. Everybody hang on to me. A three. Someone do the time thing. When it's disadvantage and the first roll is three, it doesn't matter what you roll next because after the third beep, there is a click and then there is a sudden, damp, blasting sound.

No explosion emanates. The room seems quiet. All of you are still as the light on the eyes of the brooch that Filge wears on his heart. Dilge. Hey, so has the thing happened yet? It's happened, yep. Okay.

Can we go back a second before it happens? Because I just think it'd be nice. You want to go back a second before? Can I slam the head of the thing into the thing at the same time so it all happens at the same time? You can. Can you call him Dilge instead of Phil? Yes, I think that's important.

I'm going to go ahead and cast Fabricate on the badge, which says I can choose raw materials that I can see. I can fabricate a large or smaller object in that. And so I'm just going to try and turn this thing into a nice harmless cube and i would absolutely love for you to do that but unfortunately that is a spell that takes a takes 10 minutes i thought you wouldn't know as i said for a second there there is only silence. And then the lights go out on the eyes of the bat.

And then very gently, very quietly, Dilj falls to his knees. The brooch falls slowly, almost in slow motion, from his heart. And you can see a deep wound has been cut by the brooch from a device that was planted there almost 20 years ago. And as a small amount of blood falls from his ear and just hit the opposite eye, Dilj dies in front of Filj

as the figure of Strahd's head is smashed against the lodestone and time begins to spin itself backwards. Dilj stands to his feet alive again and takes Filj's hand as they walk away and say their goodbyes again in reverse as the time goes faster and faster through the gallery of rogues. They go into the streets backwards, backwards, backwards, 1,000 years into the end of the first age of wonder

as the dragon friends once more wake up in a laboratory in Old High Islander with the feeling that they have done all of this before, but time travels in curious ways, strange adventures happen in the interim and Friso, for one glorious moment, finds himself in the summer of 69 with a promise that he made only to himself long ago. Frieza rolls a man onto his back. This has been the Dragon Friends. Thank you.

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniment by Tom Cardy. Our special guest this week was Tom Walker. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest.

And new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal Land in Eora Nation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. He actually taught you how to speak goblin.

And if you flash back... You really want in on this, don't you? I really do. I just feel like it's a nice scene, but for now, let's go back to remember the time that Strahd taught Dilj how to speak goblin so that Ben gets out of his fucking system. A one. My boy, I'mma gonna teach you and you can understand how to speak a goblin.

I'mma gonna teach you how to count to ten. A one. So in goblin we say a one. And then we say a two. Me think this is the most beautiful language me has ever heard. Cut back or fuck off. God. Ben's seeing

two people do a silly voice with his face just pressed up against a window. I'd give anything to be on the other side. We lost Simon. He's under the table. All right. Filch. Are you okay?

I think he's actually... Filch. Simon's under the table funny Simon's under the table Simon's under the table