Dragon Friends - #7.07. Quake Before Me, Etc.

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

The Dragon Friends have been given a lifeline. After their failure in the future that never was, they are brought back to their first moments in High Netherill, only this time they have a very different idea. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Make some noise if you've never been to a Dragon Friends before and those first 20 minutes will really touch and go whether you'd stay or not. Fair enough! Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a Dragon Friend! A fucking Dragon Friend! Visions of past and present mingle in your minds As the lodestone works its magic

Friso, you catch glimpses of your lonely solitude Bobby, you smile at the memory of long nights With your wolf and brothers Bastogne, you smell Chilton's spice and summer Filge, for a fleeting second You see Dilger's panicked, trusting face And then his eyes roll into his head as he dies for a second time, and there is nothing you can do to save him,

as time has brought you once more to Old High Netheril and the floating city of Ilenar. The four of you land heavily on a brilliantly polished floor in a large, circular lab. The lodestone you had just destroyed stands behind you in its sconce, maliciously and impossibly whole once more. There is a door to your east, a desk of intricate tools to your west, and the unconscious tiny figure of a gnomish arcanist wearing a white scarf and wireframe glasses lying on the floor beside it the figure of your one-time friend the arcanist marilyn

val you are of course back in 493 dale reckoning the last days of the netherese empire and once again the four of you are a very long way from home. Dave? Yes? How does time travel work in this universe? So, we've gone back in time. Yes. And are we at the exact same time we were the last time we were back here?

It seems that way. The room looks exactly the same as it was last time. So are our second copies of us here as well? No, it's just the four of you. It's also Banknote and Jacob Undercourt are not there. Banknote's not there. You still have, you can feel its weight in your backpack, the claw of Chiron.

You still have your magical focus. Everything that happened to you in the future that now no longer was has still happened. So where's Banknote now? In your world, Dave? That would be a question for philosophers. Banknote, of course, I suppose, certainly never came back, arguably never existed.

Will exist. What? In about 960 years. But for now, Banknote is not here. Shit. Okay. But you did take his stuff. You still have his stuff. So it's not all here. Shit. Okay. But you did take his stuff. You still have his stuff, so it's not all bad.

Nice. Okay, cool. Does that make sense for everyone else? Is there any other questions? Baston turns to Val and says, you don't know me, and I don't know if you can tell this about me, but I've never done it before. Are you shaking her awake? Because Val is unconscious.

Oh, okay, this is inappropriate. All right, I'll wait. Bastogne just stands waiting. You have a moment before she stirs. If you remember last time, it took her about a minute to stir. Okay, I guess I'll put my robes nice and kind of practice posing. I'm going to tie her up. Find the light.

What? Very strong and different choices. Okay. Not for your thing. Alright, there is a chair by the desk, so you tie Marilyn Val to the chair. Yeah. As you do, her eyelids

start to flutter and just as you tie the final rope, make for me quickly a dexterity check to see how effectively you do it. I will make a note of the number. Thank you very much. Her eyes stir and she is awake. She takes in the lodestone. She takes in you guys and she says,

Holy freaking dooly! It works! Yeah, somebody else tied you up. We're here to rescue you. No, no, no. Don't say anything. I know who you are. You are high mages from the 9th Nethereal Age

or you're young adventurers from the Nethereal 4th Empire. It doesn't matter. None of this matters. All that matters is that it works. Marilyn Vowell. Yes? We are none of these things. We are gods. Fuck yes.

Fuck yes. We know of you, Marilyn Vowell, how you were plucked from obscurity from a small town, chosen to rise the ranks. Yes.

Yes. Yes. For example, gaze upon this, the claw of your Skymaster, Chiron. Holy shit,

all right. All right. With advantage, I need you to make for me quickly a deception check. I'm going to say it's an easy check because you know so much about her. That's a 16 plus 9. Her eyes, even through her wire-framed glasses,

her eyes bug out. This is, this is, you know, I have to say I always thought that I might be a little chosen one. That's nine. Her eyes, even through her wire-framed glasses, her eyes bug out. This is, you know, I have to say, I always thought that I might be a little chosen one. A tiny little chosen one. And now it looks like I am. I thought that Lord Stone would bring someone from the future. Not somebody who's a god. Let alone four gods. Yeah, we're big time gods.

Yes. Oh, yeah. We're all gods of different stuff. Yeah. That's for sure. Remind me what you're the god of? Go around. Yeah.

I am. What? Remind me what? Oh, me. Oh, me, the god of rocks. Yeah. You've heard of the god of rocks? Yeah, me, the god of rocks.

Rock god. Yeah, rocks will do anything I tell it to Yeah, rock god Oh my goodness, there are so many rocks in here Yeah, I put them there So could they How about you? I, meanwhile, me?

Yeah Oh, we're big, we're big gods I am the God of thieves. That's how I got your Chiron's claw. Yes. Oh, my goodness. Okay. It's so funny.

When you see one miraculous God, it's amazing. And then after that, it's still diminishing returns. And how about you guys, gods? I'm the God of love, but... But now that you think I'm a god, it'd be kind of problematic to go any further with this, so I guess I'm the god of sadness now. Love and sadness quake before me, et cetera.

I feel like the god of love slash sadness is absolutely a god for like teenagers the god of love and sadness is a Bob Dylan and you? I am the god of secrets this why me didn't want to go first what do you want oh god of rocks?

Small rocks, I guess. But Val, it's very important that you don't tell anyone we're here. We're just regular time travellers, okay? Yeah, I must tell Cassus. I tell Cassus everything. But won't he be jealous of our powers when he wants us to bless him or curse him? Or bless you? Maybe he'll ask us to curse you.

Do you want to be cursed? I cannot lie to Karsus. He's Karsus the kind. He's Karsus the wise. He'll love it. He'll build statues in your honour. You like to be worshipped? He'll get everybody to...

The free folk? He'll organise that? You must understand. This is a great day. The lodestone works. The gods are here in Ilanar. Enough! Dragon God huddle.

Yeah, God huddle. Okay. Don't listen or we'll smite you. Oh, I do not want to be smitten. And again, I am tied in a chair. Yeah, so I can't really even block my ears. All right, okay. Okay.

So, are you guys cool with the fact that I did that? I know I kind of went out On a limb That was cool Yeah last time you went out On a limb when we were here Ended out real good Are you referring to the time That Bobby stabbed

A vampire's dad And sort of doomed The world to a thousand years Of darkness Yeah yeah Doomed the world to a thousand Yeah that one Okay

What the plan guys Oh god This god thing It's massive. I'm freaking out. I don't know if me can be a God. I don't want everything bad to happen again like it did before. What if we kill ourselves?

Wow. Wow. Wait, wait, wait. What were you going to say? What were you going to say? No, no, no. What were you going to say? Filch. I just want to remind you, Filch, before you answer that, that for you, even though it's been a thousand years coming back here,

five minutes ago you did see Dilj, you held his hand, you walked away from him and then he died in front of you. Just to remind you, your brother, the half-orc Dilj. I'm not saying that for you, for your hat act, I'm just reminding you that that has only been seconds ago for Filj. Yeah, well, me obviously freaking out. For multiple reasons. No, look, we can't...

We've got to fix this. I can't lose him again. She gave us the pills to go back to the future. So we definitely shouldn't kill her unless we want to be stuck here. Also, my thing. Yeah, your thing. We're all gods now. We're playing it as gods.

But we have taken an oath not to interfere too much, okay? When did we take that oath? That's the story. That's the story we tell them. Because they're going to ask us to do magic powers. We don't have God powers. And we're going to tell them we took an oath not to interfere too much. All right?

That's the story. Sticking with it. All right. Dragon's the story. I'm sticking with it. All right. But look. Dragon God huddle over. Let's go. We need to go. We want to get back south to the court, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So let's just go with the flow. Everybody be cool. Okay. All right. The four of you turn around from your huddle and I suppose all smile widely at the tied up gnome in a chair who smiles back happily at the four of you.

Hello, gods. Okay, I'm just going to cut you free here with my magical claw. Oh, behold! Okay, beholding here. Nice. And now you are free. Oh, thank you. We have taken a vow not to interfere here.

Take us to your leader. Well, I'm glad that you could still cut me loose because you did tie me up. You don't know that. Did you see us do it? No, I guess I didn't. Well, do not assume too much. Baal smiles and hits a gemstone

that is ensconced in the side of the door and the western door slides open as she takes you down a corridor to a grill, presses another jewel on the side, and the air around you starts to hum as your tunics all sort of float away. I want you to just, I don't, this is embarrassing because you're gods, but there are some perverts around here. Yes. because you're gods but um there are some perverts around here Helloooo

Noooo I haven't seen a person for five years Hello Terry Oh what that's almost my name It was Trevor but good try How did you almost know his name? Trevor we call you Terry up in God land. God land? I thought you said you weren't going to interfere

and you were going to keep low profiles and you're just telling a random sewer pervert that you're all gods. Now, Val, look, just so you know, I know we said we weren't going to interfere, but I think we can all agree Trevor knows too much. No! No! That's a 21 day.

I'm Eldritch Blasting him. All right, Trevor's dead. Oh, it's a miracle. And with a whoosh. It's a miracle of the Smitten Perfect. The first miracle. And with a whoosh, Skyward, you are sent through an ascending platform, shimmering in chrome and copper.

And as you ascend, brilliant crystalline windows open up as the area blossoms into a platform of a tower. High above Ilanar, smiling, Val turns and looks to you and says, of course, this must all seem very primitive to gods like you, but we make do. You must understand, great things will happen because you are here. Welcome back, dear gods, from times far short, the golden age of Netheril. And as the light shines on the valleys of the freeborn folk below, of Netheril, and as the light shines on the valleys of the freeborn folk below, you can see the beautiful rolling hills and deep valleys of the sword coast of Faerun, 1,000 years before any of you were born. A narrow corridor juts out from this balcony that you were all placed on after the corridor.

And great, great sentence construction, Dave. And you take steps down that pathway into an aviary full of beautiful mechanical songbirds and a figure holding a mechanical lyrebird is at a distance. And you can feel the awe and the sense of trepidation in Val as she walks slowly towards that figure. Do you want me to introduce her to the Archmage? I don't know the protocol with gods. We would prefer if you only introduced us to Karsis. And not do what?

Is Karsis the Archmage? Yeah. Okay, that's fine. We were testing you. If you knew that the Archmage was Cassus, you have passed the gods' first test. Oh, it's the second miracle. No, this one's a test.

It's different. Oh, it's the first test. The test of the easy name thing. So you know Val's name. Oh, it's the first test. Yes. The test of CED name thing. So you know Val's name. You know about Trevor. You know that she was born in a small village. But you don't know that Karsus is the Archmage of Eileanar, highest of all mages here. Dave, Frieza's not here, man.

As in, you know, you're talking to Michael Hing. It's different. I don't have to answer the question. You can't pledge the fifth during fucking Dungeons and Dragons. Okay. Cassus. And Cassus turns around and goes, oh, how's it? Oh, it's that little Val.

It's that little raisin Val. How are you? Been tinkering away with your little rocks? Talk about rocks. That's my thing. Hey Val, who are these? Is that a cool God introduction? No, no, it's real cool, it's cool. Who are these people, Val?

Cast us. Bow before us, bug. Excuse me. You are bug to us. We are gods. Now, Val, you know I like a little bit of a joke here and there. That's why we have Funny Fridays. But it's a Wednesday, Val. What are you doing on Funny Friday?

You know, it's like you could wear a funny pair of shoes or maybe some sort of... You know, last Funny Friday, I went to one of our middlemen. We are gods! And we are here to... You're gods, you say? Well, that's a nice story. Oh, this disrespect will not be forgotten.

And Val says, no, just so you understand, these figures miraculously apparated inside Ilinar, despite the teleportation defences. Besides the hexagrammatic locks on every chamber, they somehow materialised inside my lodestone room. And we have come here to save your kingdom from its demise. Demise. Demise. Demise. We know you have problems.

You are unable to find enough power to power your city. The power outages, the shortages, the blackouts. The howler attacks. Hold on just one second, Val. What's going on here? I don't know. I thought you said that you were going to be cool. What's going on?

We're here to save you, dammit! Hang on, hang on, hang on. Sorry, I'm sorry, Your Eminence. Vowel huddle? Quick vowel huddle? Okay, this is sort of my boss. So, what's going on? We're here to...

We needed just to get in front of Casas, but now that we're here, we need to... We're here to save your civilization. Guys,, but now that we're here, we're here to save your civilization. Guys, is it possible that we're not going to be able to follow through on the lie of us being gods? Sorry. Sorry, what did you say?

The second test. The test of faith. We've got our huddles mixed up. We're in bow huddle. No one else has ever called a huddle before, so I... Damn it, God of Love and Sadness! Ah, truly I am sad now. I'm sorry, are you really the God of Love and Sadness?

Because you look plenty sad and you've got lovely eyes, but I don't... How do you feel inside? See? Exactly. I am what I appear to be. Look, if you... We're doing a volleyball thing with Val and it's doing my head in, but we're going to get through it. If you honestly can look me in the eyes and say to me that you want nothing but the best for Nethereal

and that you are here to help, then I believe you. All right. Frieza's going to take this check. A deception check, I imagine. Okay. And this is Val. So there is no way that that's true then? Well, of course.

This is Val I'm talking to. I'm just saying you don't need to deceive her if you don't want something bad to happen to Val. And yet, deception's plus eight and persuasion's plus five. So do you see, Dave? Do you see the bind you put me in, Dave? By these numbers, you have constricted my actions, Dave. I've done this for six years. I'm just playing the fucking character, bro.

All right. Yes, Val, I promise you that we mean the best for you and your kind. And I rolled a 27. I will not interfere again, my gods. And Val steps back, leaving you to see Karsus, who quickly lets the lyrebird fly away with a message inside its beak and looks at you all with a quizzical eye.

He hadn't written a new message. This was the one he had on him. All right, I don't know if you are gods, but you are certainly not normal. You seem to know certain things that you just shouldn't know and you shouldn't be able to teleport in here. Val's right. She's very tiny, but she's right.

Tell you what, guys. I'm having something of a little dinner tonight. I insist you come. No, honestly, I'm serious. I quite sincerely insist that you come. Will, honestly, I'm serious. I quite sincerely insist that you come. Will you seat us with World Seer Etheria?

Oh, that's a nice trick. Yeah, cool. And Skymaster Kyron? They're quite famous people. Oh! You say that you're Joe Biden. I suppose you would know Kamala Harris.

But hey... What if we told you there wasn't enough time and we needed to speak to Skymaster Kyron right now? Impossible. Skymaster Kyron flies in here in an hour's time aboard the Rapture. We can meet him in an hour and speak to him then. Yeah, that's when dinner is, you dipshit.

Sorry, I'm just not used to being talked to like this. Very unkind for someone with the name of Cassius the Kind. I'm sorry, you all called me bugs before. I like to think that I'm sort of on the level, like I'm cool, like I'm just one of the guys. But sometimes, yeah, I get a little bit snippy. What need we do to prove we are gods? Well, I don't know what you want from me.

Good question. What do you do? We want to speak to Skymaster Kyron as soon as possible. He's coming in an hour. You can speak to him at dinner. He goes on to say very well, if this is important to you, I can send you

to meet with our world seer. He will need to be woken. You must give him time. He is an old man and frail, but I will arrange for an audience in an hour's time at his chambers. The rest of you can head to the docks and meet Skymaster Chiron as the rapture embarks. But in exchange, I must insist

that you then accompany the Worldseer and the Skymaster to a dinner, for you must eat with me and all of the court here tonight. Is that a deal? Seems pretty important to you. Yeah, what are you, no one turned up to your fucking dinner? What's going on there?

Well, you know, it's just a matter of catering. It's not important. Look, you can go... So is Kyron... He's offering... If we're going to meet him at the thing and then have to go to dinner, we'll just go to dinner. Because we're just wasting time then.

We'll just go to the dinner. You can lie to him. You don't need to go to the dinner. I mean, you're not stuck in this, is the thing I'm saying, Hing. He wants you to go to dinner, but like a dragon that wants to put you onto fire, you don't need to if you don't want to. Put you onto fire?

Yes. Put you onto fire. Can I say... I think... I think the salmon was actually quite good from what I remember. So if I could vote, I would go to dinner again. I'm sorry, what? Now that's interesting.

How did you know that we're serving salmon? I keep that information very secret. He's more impressed about that? Well, yeah. I mean, guest lists, everybody knows, but the salmon. So, if you wish to,

if you wish, if you wish for the world seer to be woken, if you wish to be taken to meet the Sky Master, you can. You have but to say the word.

I don't think we need to meet the world seer. I think we just need to go to the Sky Master. We were just name dropping the world seer. I don't think you want to. I think Bobby wants to go to the Skymaster. We were just name dropping. I don't think you want to.

I think Bobby wants to go to the World Seer. Alright. I'll go with you, Bobo. We'll see you guys soon. Do what you like to do. Do a dragon huddle. Do a god huddle. Do another god huddle.

The future sure is confusing Oh boy, no, I think We think of the past Right? Okay, exactly We're going to mess this up Everyone We can tell already

We're going to mess this up again God huddle Remember Oh boy I'm freaking out God I don't know what to do God of rocks, please

Remember, what we're here to do is go to the caves. Yes. And kill you know who. Right. Strahd's dad. No. No. And so I think that's the thing we should go and do.

So then we should do everything exactly the same as before. Why? Why are we wasting time? Let's just go. Oh, I think I know what Frieza wants to do. Wink. No, you need to speak clearly in the idol. No winking.

I think rather than being invited on a cruise, we would just take one ourselves. Yes. We don't know where the caves are. Oh, yeah, right. We can just go with him and explain to him what's happening. No, we crashed there randomly. It's bad. Look, I'm hungry.

Okay, let's go to dinner then. So that was weird. Dinner? Was that? Is this? Yes. This is Cassius we're talking to now? We'll go to dinner.

Let's go. And so, the gods are mighty, but slow to anger, and it seems slower still to invite to a nice meal. For here in Ilana, where the gods do walk with man, if man is what one can call the greatest mages that ever lived or will live, it seems that a dinner is to be had. A dinner of salmon, it sounds like, though for some reason this is a heavily guarded secret.

A dinner, however, that in 493 will be written about by the sages if they are alive to remember it, for at that dinner shall be Karsus the kind highest archmage of all of Ilanar at that dinner will be the one they call Worldseer Itheria he who sees all that was or could yet be at that dinner will be

Skymaster Kyren and at that dinner will be four adventurers they called the Dragon Friends. Thank you! Oh! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy.

Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Until next time. Friendship is forever Friendship never ends

It doesn't matter what time you're in You're still a dragon friend A fucking dragon friend We killed Alex. Mystery solved. In many ways we were slayed by Alex. Ben and I were contestants on her new game show, a quiz panel show called Win the Week.

And I was expressly told before we filmed it that Michael, one of the producers, Michael, I want you to know this is a pilot and will not go to air and we're not sure if we'll get you back for the real ones. So thanks The Chaser.

But I thought we had a fun night. There was one moment that kind of, my brain kind of broke. Oh, it was the best thing I've ever seen. You talking about vaccinations? Yeah. It was the best thing I've ever seen in my life so i don't know if you know has anybody ever been to a tv taping before yeah yeah wow that's surprising that was a lot of yeses well that's because we have an audience exclusively made up of cool dudes um we one of the things that you'll know about going to a tv taping is that every now and again somebody will mumble something or there'll be like a mic problem or you won't get a line that you need

that'll fuck up the edit. So you do what's called a pick up. So once the whole show's over and the audience is like, thank fuck I can leave, you go, no, no, wait, we have to just get this bit where the host said this

because a light fell on somebody and killed them and we can't use that footage or whatever. And there was one moment where Michael answered a question and the answer to which was vaccinations. Doesn't matter what the question, it was what causes autism?

No, it was, it was a question about the week's news. It was a question about the week's news and the answer was vaccinate. It wasn't even a joke. It was one of those ones

where it was just like vaccinations, next question. But when he said it, there was some fucking thing behind him or something. Someone spoke over me and it was, they wanted to get it clean. They were like, Michael, we need to get that clean.

So the audience is already like, all right, fucking TikTok, got to get home for the babysitter. And we're all like, we've left nothing on the court. We're ready to go home too. Because we've just been riffing and goofing and just having a real. Classic Ben and Hing stuff. Having a real chuckle fest. Real murder.

So we were like, okay, Hing just needs to say a word and we can all go home. We can all go home. Michael, all you have to do is look at the host, say a word, and then yeah, we can all go home. And all they said to me was, Michael, just say it regular style. And I think that, it's like, I want you to try this maybe at interval with your friends. Say, say, hey, can you just walk to me like normal? Because I think that does something to the human mind.

So what we got to see was a man come apart. Absolutely come apart. Now, I don't know if you, I'm going to try and do it how he first did it. Do you? It was, okay, Michael, we've just got to get this pick up, so just look at Alex, say vaccinations. And he went... Vaccinations?

OK, Michael, that was really good. You were looking at the camera then, do you reckon? So the first problem was I was meant to look at Alex, but instead I barrelled the camera. And if you're ever watching, like, a quiz show at home and someone barrels the camera and yells the answer at you, a quiz show at home and someone barrels the camera and yells the answer at you the audience just one word only one yeah vaccinations it's not great and so they were like okay that was great we're just gonna need to do it again where you can um

talk to alex please and so this time i i guess i overacted and i said uh I believe the answer is vaccinations Alex and then that just and then the producer came up to me again and was like hey is everything okay? Do you need a water? Do you need to sit down for a little bit? Should we stop the show? And because I know Michael

and that producer didn't know Michael I knew that it was sending him into a spiral and I knew it was was sending him into a spiral. And I knew it was in my power to stop it. Yeah. But I didn't know where to be. And so I said, hey, it's fine.

Can you just do one where you pull it back a little bit, knowing that any direction would destroy him? So the next time he went, vaccinations? That was too quiet. So they were like, can you do it again? So this time they were like, hey, vaccinations? That was too quiet. So they were like, can you do it again? So this time they were like, hey, that was a bit too quiet. And I was like, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

They were like, just say it again. I was like, vaccinations! And then by this point, people were walking out. People were just leaving. It took six takes to get it right. I just say the word vaccination six times. And as a word to say six times, I can't think of a better word to make someone look more unhinged than the word vaccinations. So I did that a bunch and then we finished the rest of it

and then Alex was just, she had an earpiece and she was talking to one of the producers and she was like, all right, we're good to go. No, we can't ask him to do it again, can we? No. And then I lost my mind in a TV studio and was like, oh, I'm heat bugged. What the fuck is going on?

You're all in on this. What the fuck is going on? He backed into one of the weird stucco walls and it wobbled. Anyway, it was a really wonderful night. And the best part about it was none of it's going to TV, so they didn't have to do that to him at all. You're right. I was in the control room of that show. Everyone was very

zealous about getting a pickup for a show which we were not going to use. It was never going to air. And then, they edited it all together today to show their bosses or whatever, and Alex sent me a text message saying, turns out we used the first one. I'm like, oh, come on!