Dragon Friends - #7.08. The Salmon, So Secret

Episode Date: July 1, 2021

Armed with knowledge of the future and now the past, The Dragon Friends are once again thrust into a dinner with the greatest figures in High Netheril, but perhaps knowledge of what's to come has taken a toll on their patience. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Someone did a drawing which was, is music guy single? And then the only option to tick was yes. Oh, that's pretty cute knowing that they don't know my name. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon. Grab the fucking dragon.

High Islander, city of progress that floats above the hoi polloi of Old Faerun in Old High Netheril. It is a place of wonder, a place of technological advances, a place of magic beyond description, and a place of fine gastronomic dining, as will soon be realized by the dragon friends on this, the second time that they have broken bread with the magists of that ancient city. You have been called to a dinner with the archmage, Karsus the Kind, in this the first age of wonder. There has been some discussion about whether you would go, but for now it seems you are.

And so, as you leave his presence, but for now it seems you are. And so, as you leave his presence and are brought by a blue, silvery-skinned Megan servant to an antechamber near the dining hall, another Megan with a tray of drinks offers you refreshments, cocktails and aperitifs. Oh, they're at the pre's. That's correct.

So they didn't go to the pre-drinks last time. No, they went... They were in their rooms. That's correct. So they didn't go to the pre drinks last time. No, they went. They were in their rooms. That's right. Stealing copper piping. Yeah. You don't get copper piping this time. No.

There's lovely copper piping in the walls if you want it, but there is also a bartender, Megan, keeping a firm eye on you. Val is with you as well. Giddy and excited beyond belief for she is not usually invited to do's as fancy as this. God of rocks. God of rocks, you be honest with me. Is this dress too much? I just never go to these things.

Tell me, what does the dress look like? The dress is way too much. It's got like, the top half of it is like a feather boa that obscures basically everything up to Val's mid-nose and glasses. And then it's like, has a plunging neckline under the feather boa that obscures basically everything up to Val's mid nose and glasses and then it's like has a plunging neckline under the feather boa which is crazy gold sleeves and then pantaloons yeah big puffy pants oh can I say honey yes it too Oh. And then I, like, step back and look at and observe her. Uh-huh. And I go, let me just do something real quick.

Oh. And then what do you do? You can use your makeover skill. Yeah. You can just take her glasses off. Has she got her glasses on? Yeah, she's got her wire-framed glasses. Big, thick bottle.

And her hair is tied up in her white scarf. Oh, is it? I'm going to noink off the pantaloons. What? She's naked from the waist down. Isn't it a dress with pantaloons underneath? Yeah. All right.

I just thought you dacked her. I dacked her, but she's got a dress on. She does. It's sheer muslin. Oh, you've got to be real careful about that. I'm just telling you this for your own good. It's muslin. That's just for you, Dave.

So, noik off the pantaloons. I'm going to whiff off the feather boaons. I'm going to whiff off the feather boa and I'm going to do something nifty where I make that into like a cool feathery hem of the dress. It's nifty. Yeah, I know. I just don't know why you think half-orc barbarian Phil has these skills. She's got an eye for it.

She's going to, but I just want to hear what she's doing. So what are you doing with the hem? I'm hemming. I'm adding it so it's like a like... Wait, so you're sewing. Yeah. At the drinks on the floor of a gnome's ham. I've got a kit.

I've got a kit in here. Should we use some surgery kit? Yeah, in the mess kit. That'll be in there. You're going to use your mess kit, all right? Yeah, some cat gut and... I've assumed for seven years that's a first aid kit. Am I incorrect?

A mess kit is for eating. It's a cup, a knife, a fork, a bowl. So how are you using that to hem a dress? Do you think it's a mess kit? Because it's bloody messy. Clean up all these guts. Are you sure? I mean, it seems irresponsible to travel without a first aid kit.

At least something from St John's Ambulance. Let me do just one thing, says Filge, as she pulls the pantalons out of the outfit, rips off the feather boa, and then just starts trying to poke the feather boa into the sleeves of the dress using an old fork. Yeah. And I go, take off those glasses, honey.

You didn't need them. And I take them off and I go, I really do. Okay, put it back on. Okay, I put it back on. And then how's her hair tied back? Very tightly in a whale bone clasp. All right, I'm going to take it out of the clasp and I'll ruffle it around so it's like flipped over to one side.

I'm having way too much fun. You have more, you're more into it. I flip it over to one side and I say, Val? Yes? Everyone here want to fuck you.

What? Alright, well. I want you to go into that room with that attitude, okay? Holy freaking doily. And also stop saying that. Every time you say that, one less person in the room want to fuck you.

Okay. And Baston, who's been filling his pockets with shrimp. No matter what the timeline is, if there's shrimp. He's filling his pockets with it, turns around and goes, whoa, she's all that.

While this is happening by the bar, there is Bobby, you grab yourself a drink, a little whiskey as befits Bobby Pancakes, and you walk a little bit of a distance from the other group, surveying the room, and as you do, you see

an old figure sitting in one of those big rattan chairs in the corner of the room, the big ones, the high back, circular back. And he has a small mint julep by his side. I don't know why he's southern, but this is a very southern image, I'm realizing. But this is, of course, Worldmaster Itheria, the same man with the pendant, the triangular pendant with the eye that you had dinner on a different timeline a long time ago. I'll go up to him and very, very respectfully sort of bow to him

and say, Worldseer Itheria. Hmm. Did you know there's a kind of bird? I did. Wasting all our fucking time. There are many kinds of birds in many timelines, in many places, all at once and everywhere. Listen, I know this is maybe kind of cheating, but... Maybe kind of cheating, but do you see a timeline where it stops,

where we move on and we don't come back? I just see this coming round and round and round again. Do we get out? Bobby, I see a lot of things. I see a time where you fall. I see a time where you rise. I see a time where you open a little shop that only sells backpacks. And just you, and you're really happy. Maybe the happiest I've seen you in any timeline.

They're called Poppy's Bags, and they're very popular. But can I tell you, if it ever stops, it's the one thing I can't know, because there's so much time, and it goes on top one after the other. The only thing I know is that it never stops. And there is a kind of bird.

That's right, there's a kind of bird. Now, you've been left by your own, I suppose, in that case, Friso. So you can get yourself a drink. You can go talk to someone. You can go into the dining room. Is Kyren there? So Kyren and Karsus are not there, no. Who's in the dining room? There's a couple of other...

There's many of the Magin, the blue silvery skinned people. There's also a couple of other members of the court, high arcanists by the colour of their sashes. Maybe I'll talk to Val. Yep. Um, hey, Val. Did you see what, um, did you see

what the God of Rock did to me? For me? You look great. Oh, I do. Everyone wants to fuck me. Okay, don't say that out loud. Keep that in your head. Oh, I keep that in my head. I think you look really great. I don't want to, me. Okay, don't say that out loud. Keep that in your head. I think you look really great. I don't want to... Okay. It's probably because I said hoolidooly before.

I was the one. I was the one. Val, can I tell you something? Can I come clean about something? Sure, yeah. When gods appear among men, we often need to take on fleshy forms. Oh, yeah.

To achieve the things we need to do here. I heard that about gods. Yeah. Because if we were to appear here in our real forms, everyone would die. Oh. You know, the world would end. Oh.

You know, we have such awesome power and whatnot. It's, you know. Yeah, that must be nice. The problem is that because our fleshy forms have travelled here through time and space. Hey, you're not looking so good. Are you okay? We have undergone a certain sickness.

And the reason we can't... That's actually... Okay, so I think that was because of the shrimp. That is a good point. And it's not entirely because of the shrimp. That is a good point. And it's not entirely because of the shrimp. Now, it's been a couple of hours since you've been here. And again, that feeling of time sickness is starting to well inside you. It's not yet...

This is the sickness that would have killed you last time you were here. It's not enough to overcome you yet. But you recognize the signs much better than you did the first time. Sorry, I interrupted. Which is what I assume you're... Yes. Unless you just have diarrhoea or something. Val, as a result of this, I need

to know where your strongest bathroom is. Because I have what I would describe as something of a chronomatic disaster brewing. So this is interesting because

Inside my elven colon. It's interesting because even though you are gods, I have long hypothesized that using the lodestones to travel through time or through whatever realms you came from would have some sort of effect. Let me go to my rooms and get my bullshit.

Thank you, Arcanist. And she leaves the party and heads off. And as she does, the doors open and she passes Karsus and Skymaster Kyren, brain in a jar on a giant metal exoskeleton, walking deep in conversation. Does he have his claw on him? No, because he keeps it on the rapture. Okay.

So he's not wearing it. Wait, he keeps the keys in the ship? That's like putting them in a sunglass bit on top of the thing so when somebody jumps in, they just flip it down. Ilanar is a really nice neighbourhood, okay? And as Karsus walks in, he says, you don't understand, my lord and archmage, if we just requisition the power from the freeborn towers,

we will be able to pierce that veil. Oh, my God, my man. First of all, I'm really glad you learned how to pronounce requisition. And second of all... That was like four episodes ago. Not on this timeline, motherfucker. Second of all, don't talk to me about power outages tonight. I don't want to hear anything about Aether, all right?

Now, you have a good time. I don't know, do you drink wine? I've never seen you drink wine before. Is that an offensive question? I have a sort of biscuit that they put in the jar. Okay, well, you just enjoy your biscuits, all right? Just, this is a big night. We've got a big week ahead of us,

and I've got four very interesting guests you're going to like meeting. All right? So just chin up. We know we a big week ahead of us. And I've got four very interesting guests you're going to like meeting. All right. So just chin up. We know we'll brain stem up. Fine. And he stalks off and goes and gets some of his biscuits, walking straight to the bar, alone for now. As Cassius clocks the four of you.

Oh, my guests. You've come for the pre-drinks, I see. Yes, it's very nice. This is before the salmon is served. But no spoilers on that one. Why is the salmon so secret, Cassius? Well, I just like to say to my guests, hey, here's some salmon that you didn't expect to have.

You know, it's a lovely thing to be able to come to somebody and say, what do you think we're going to eat tonight? And I might say something like chicken. No! What? It's salmon. What if they were to say if you were to say what do you think you're going to eat tonight? And I would say salmon. I'd say fuck off!

Alright, okay. And I'd push you off the top of this. Okay. Because I'm kind but I'm a little bit nuts. Alright. And with that, Karsus Okay, because I'm kind, but I'm a little bit nuts. All right. And with that, Karsus sees more guests that he has to greet, makes an apologetic gesture at all of you, and disappears to go talk to some kind of ambassador.

I just want to say the bar is open. I don't want you to think, oh, no, do I have to pay for this later? Is it wine and beer only or everything? No, it's anything you want. Whoa. Don't hold up the line with cocktails, though, because we've only got one major working on it, and it's anything you want. Whoa. Don't hold up the line with cocktails though because we've only got one major working on it and it's one person orders a cocktail, it slows

everything down. What the most expensive thing that's not a cocktail. Well, that's tacky. But I don't know, you could probably ask for some very good dark Turkay which I only realised recently is not something that Philip Pullman made up in his dark materials.

It's actually a kind of wine and when I was at a restaurant with my wife I said, oh my god, they have the Lyra wine. I wonder if that's a funny thing that the restaurant's doing. In which case, it's a little bit tacky. And she was like, what the fuck are you talking

about? This is when Karsus went to a restaurant with his wife sometime after seeing his dark materials. Yeah, I mean, look, we don't need to get into why. No, no, of course. And he walks away to talk to some kind of hyper ambassador. Why go to the bar? All right, great.

The Megan is there. Kyron is there. At this point, Itheria looks at you as another junior arcanist comes by and says, my lord, he comes to you and he says,

oh, I just get so nervous talking to the boss. I can't do it. And then he gets someone else. My lord, world seer Itheria, you're not supposed to be here. You should be at rest. I'm terribly sorry, but the world seer can speak to no one he is resting and world seer aetheria

smiles apologetically to you and with his frail hand places it in the junior arcanist's hand and goes to leave and says bobby just one more thing don't give up just yet. And then he wanders off and you can hear him saying, Do you know there's a kind of turtle? Okay. Filch, what are you doing at the bar? I say, hello to the Magin.

Okay, you remember that Magin can't talk, right? Yeah. The Magin nods and smiles and indicates. Basically, the Magin actually takes its hand and slowly passes it over the bar and shimmering runes materialise in the wood showing all of the drinks on service. I'm going to take the ones from this end.

Okay, great. I'll say, and I look down, and then I look at the major deep in his eyes, and I say, I'll take one. I understand the tragedy of the major. And I empathize with your plight. Is Kyron there too? Is he at the bar too? Yeah, Kyron's at the bar.

Shake it, not stir. There's nothing a bartender likes more than somebody at an open bar who first of all orders the most expensive drink on the comped bar and then is like, so how are you? Sucks being a working stiff, right? Kyron's like, well, that sounds like a bloody good idea. I'll have a tragedy of the major too. Double.

You can't have that. You can only have biscuits. I got a second. How do you know that about me? Me? They got a rocks, which mean me hear everything. I'm sorry. As somebody who's just entered the room with this bullshit paper-thin lie,

you're the god of rocks? You're telling me you're the god of rocks? You, a half-orc covered in what looks like the blood of another half-orc, you're the god of rocks. Oh, you mortal. You not understand. And... The god of rocks is under all.

Ah, the God of rocks is big and small. Are you working your way into a song? Keep going. The God of rocks is short and tall. The God of rocks Bleeds for all The god of rocks Has seen you fall

Out of a plane! Actually. What kind of... I'm one of those riddle gods now. That's a development. I'm the god of riddles. What kind of damage does university theatre sports, I don't know, 15 years ago do to you that that becomes your panic button?

Right, I don't know who you are or who you think I am. There was a whole song about it. It might be like strange rhyming half-orc, but you of course have the pride and honour of addressing Skymaster Kyron, first of the ardent flight. Am I in the bar too? Am I in earshot? Yeah, you're in earshot.

You can wander in if you want. Yeah, I'm going to just sort of sidle up. What exactly is the reason that you are here? Do you want me to take this one, Phil? Mlet, the god of secrets. Did you say Mlet? Oh, now we're going to talk about that. Yeah, actually, the correct way to say it is Mlet.

The gods know that. The humans, you guys stuffed that up big time. But Mlet is, we all say it, don't we, guys? We all say Mlet. Yeah, we all say Mlet. Let me tell you. So, listen.

You shouldn't question us. I told you I've killed you before and I'll do it again. Bobby, are you saying anything as well? Yeah. Jeric Rimm. Moira LaRoon, Ja LaRoon.

Where have you heard those names before? There are howlers that want nothing more than to pluck that brain from that jar and fling it across the mountains. The howlers are a myth told by few dissidents of the freeborn folk who are scattered and puny and fall beneath our stormpikes. But I think you should pretty quick smart tell me how you

learn those names or I'm going to call some guards. I'm the god of secrets. Okay. Do you have a song too? Yes, he does. We all have them. A secret's just a secret's just a secret You don't need to do it Because you said You're your own agent

Well Dave you've interrupted and ruined it And it was going to be splendid Tell me now. And he clicks his fingers and suddenly from inside a curtain that you didn't realise was a corridor nearby, two other figures wearing the sashes of the ardent flight emerge,

storm pikes in their hands, dressed well enough in their dress uniforms for this soiree, but their weapons are real and jagged and deadly. And he holds his hand before they approach the three of you, and he says, again,

tell me where you heard of Jerek Rym and the Laroon siblings. We heard it in the future. Future. Future. Future. I'm just going to beckon Friso over. In the future. Future.

Where we obtained this. And I hold the claw up to his neck. Oh, boy. Now, have your men check your ship. Your claw is there. No, wait a second. There seems to be a slight miscommunication here amongst the dragon friends. Now, are you holding the claw to his neck or are you, as Bobby seems to think, showing him the claw?

I mean, it's a bit of theatre. Yeah, I'm showing it to his neck. I mean, he has a head in a jar, so it's really hard to tell what a pig's head is. He's a pig in a jar. That's fair enough. At the biscuit insertion slice. I'm shaving off some slices of biscuit. Have your men check the ship.

Your claw is still there, but future claw is here. You'll see that they are exactly alike. I will do exactly this, and you will give me the honour of joining me on the rapture. If you have taken the claw of Chiron, then you must know

that that is a sacrilege and a fatal error on your behalf. Oh, the claw, the rapture? Well, why not? Yes, God's love rapture. Because I'm in the mood for some teppanyaki.

Valentine, dole stuff to me. And he clicks his fingers as the two sashayed arcanists sashay towards you. What? A military sashay. Sashay. a sashayed arcanist's sachet towards you. Like... No, no. A military sachet.

Sachet. A cha-cha-cha. A cha-cha-cha. No, no, no. We will be having some guests on the rapture. I am so sorry, my friends. And with that, he wraps his knuckles on the bar and he says, it seems that the military will not be able to attend another of Cassius' famous dues.

Do give the Archmage our apologies. We will be on the rapture. And the four of you will be my guests. Will you join us? And with that, he, as his two storm-piked attachés, stand behind him. Are the attachés going to sashay? Fuck you. And so you march through a corridor up to a dock.

How many people left the room just now? Seven. Of how many? Well, are you bringing Val with you? Has Val come back? Yeah, I wanted to go, yeah, has Val come back? We need Val. Oh, no, no, no, Val's already left.

That's right, Val's gone back to her offices. Can I swing past her offices? If you want to. I'm going to do that. So, but is the room, is the priest like pretty? It's prettier. Cassius, a second later, as you leave, the seven of you leave, and Cassius at that moment returns into the room.

Yeah, and he's got like a whole salmon. Yeah, he's got like an apron on and a chef's hat. Oh, no. And he's got like a cloche. He's hat. And he's got a cloche. He's like, would anybody like to guess what's... Wait a minute. Meanwhile, quickly, outside the lab of Val, there's a knock on the door.

Bastogne is at the door and he opens to see Val standing by her desk, rummaging through what looks like a pile of powders. Oh, God of love and sadness, you don't look so good. Well, it seems like you could be a little more organized. I don't have a system. Maybe you... Well, it looks like you need a system.

Bring that stuff. We're going on a ride. All right. She quickly gathers everything up into a satchel, and soon the four of you are on the rapture following Kyron, who makes precious little small talk as he's smoldering with, it seems, an anger. I think he makes a little small talk just out of habit. Okay, with his secondary head, he can make some of that.

He just goes... Wait, he has two heads? He has two speaking vowels. One brain. One of them was mostly a suck-off protocol. He's trying to make small talk and he goes, suck-off protocol activated! And then he goes, I'm so sorry about that.

And turns it down. Click. Have you seen any good... All right, small talk's done. And by that time, you've made your way onto the somewhat buoyant deck of the rapture personal skyship of Archmage Karsus and have walked through the blast doors into the throne room where the Sky Throne sits.

As he does, Kyron walks in, makes a perfunctory examination of his own claw, and if he is angry to see that it is unmolested, it is impossible to tell, for he is but a brain in a jar. Now... And he turns around to face you. You're going to want to have to fly low because you don't have enough a around to face you. You're going to want to have to fly low because you don't have enough aether to get

you where you're going at the height that you want to travel at. Arcanist Ballantyne behind Casas turns pale and then looks and gives a tight nod to Kyron. Who's been talking? Who has been talking? Gather all my men into this room, even the

teppanyaki octopus Was it an octopus or a snail? A slug What? Slug That's the best thing for an audience to yell out Slug Let's try to respect the rich world building of dragon friends

And as they file into the room All eyes are on you, Bobby Well, I suppose, in this case, although this is my ship to command, it seems like this would be your mission. If we are not to fly low, then where are we to fly if we are to find Jarek,

Rym, and the Laroon siblings? We are to fly low. We are to fly as if to the free folk, and they will board us, and we will be ready. You heard the halfling. I want triple guards at every observation window. We fly low by the balanox. If the howlers attack, announce the sirens immediately. Arm yourselves. Tonight we kill the thorn that has been in the Ardenflite's side

for the last three seasons. Mend your stations. And there is a whirring, and distantly, quickly, the Arcanists take their positions. I don't know how you know what you know, but we're going to have a little chit-chat afterwards because this is Cuckoo Bananas.

Hey, is this part of the ship called the bridge? Yes, it's called the bridge. I knew it. The first time I did it and now, bridge, bridge, bridge, this bit, all the bridge. The teppanyaki slug comes to the bridge

and goes, I came here as soon as I... We don't need you anymore! All right, very good. And one more thing, little man. What? Not you! If the howlers don't attack, then my rage will be brought out on your head. Do you understand?

I guess because you can't take it out on your own head. Oh! God of smackdowns! Let's kill him. He stalks away without another word. His two attachés behind him, leaving you, in his rage it seems, on the bridge, which is for now being operated by a junior arcanist.

There are three others at censored desks nearby, but other than that, the bridge is curiously empty. He says to the junior arcanist, you didn't hear them do the head crack, did you? You weren't telling any of the lads that they burnt me. Good, good. Good. And then he stalks away.

I suppose there are some quarters or somewhere we can chill, we can kick back. You've just put the ship on high alert and now you're going to go to bed? Yeah, well, look. Are there movies to watch? What's the in-flight situation? You've got Paddington 2? One of the arcanists is like, well, I suppose there is...

The Archmage has staterooms for his visitors. Yes, absolutely. All right, Delstaff, have them sent to staterooms. Send a Megan, and he rings a little bell, and a Megan comes to lead you away to staterooms if you want. Okay, great. We should do a line of medicine. Oh, yes.

Yeah, how are you guys? How are they feeling? Make a constitution check, all of you. Oh, no. See how the time sickness is affecting you. Oh, yeah. 15. Is that all right?

Is that pretty cool? 15 is fine. You need to get 15 or higher. Ooh. Yeah, crushed my butt. Nope. I only got 10. 19.

You take a level of exhaustion filled. 11. And you take another seven points of damage. You're already a little bit injured. Is that correct? Yes. All right. Seven more points of damage.

As the effects of the time sickness well within you, the exhaustion will continue and continue until you die. The past is no place for those of the present. The stateroom's just off, it seems, a small teppanyaki restaurant inside the flagship of a golden empire, because I have no fucking control over this podcast, is beautiful and well-appointed, and there is a lovely magic TV with fantasy Netflix.

Oh, what's playing? Can we also talk to Val? Yep, and Val is there. Val, it's good that you brought all your stuff with you. Sorry, I'm just watching fantasy Mare of Easttown. No, she's not. As soon as she walks in, she finds the small desk. She finds the small desk in the room.

She unrolls her leather roll, which is full of empty glass ampoules and powders and unguents. She's a talking horse in this one. She starts mixing powders together. Winnie's lip? While she works, she has a small pair of quad focals. She has little glasses that she clicks in place over her wireframe glasses as she starts burning and crushing various powders and rocks.

Now, this works for time sickness. I don't know if that's what you have, but it can't hurt. You're gods, right? Right? Right. Right? Oh, big time. I mean, yeah.

Do you want any of us to sing about it to prove it? I mean, I've done mine. It's really not necessary. But if you insist. Well, I wouldn't mind a little ditty from the God of Love and Sadness. All right, I know I... All right. Love and sadness.

Love and sad news. Love and sad news. What's the difference anyway? Quite a lot. But I'm in charge of both of them. It seems contradictory. That's it. Congratulations.

You managed to vamp your way through the song. Now, is there anything else? Is anyone doing anything? You're in the staterooms by yourselves. I'm racking them up for him. Stop saying you don't rack medicine. Yeah, sometimes you do. I turned up the volume on Mayor of Easttown.

I just want to hear a little glimpse, a little grab on that talking horse. Mayor, you're so sad. It's because you're a talking horse. Do you mean no? Or are you just saying nay because you're a horse and then she vapes i assume that's very accurate to the show yeah as do i just the smallest amount of dungeons and dragons i fucking beg you all right all right i don't know what's more D&D than a fantasy horse that can talk. And vape. And vape.

For God's sake, Dave. How does it hold the vape to its lips? What's it got, hands? Probably not. It holds it like this. Other than the customary stationary... The big vaping horse lips. Other than the customary...... The big vaping horse lips! Other than the customary...

Here's the thing. Get the sketchbooks back out! Other than the customary... When you give the vape to the horse, you've got to do it with a flat palm, so it doesn't touch your fingers. Whoa! The mayor of Easttown.

Other than the customary stationary Megan in the corner, the room is completely empty. Other than a small, I think there are some gift bags, as we discussed before. Oh, yeah. And some food laid out.

And, of course, all of Val's instruments for the room. Is it 200 gold in the gift bag? 200 gold each. All right. I guess you all now have 400 gold each. Mine's already written down from the first time. Yeah, and it's here again. So you get the money a second time.

Guys, you could just get rich this way. Yeah. Now, listen to me, okay? You need to tell me if you start feeling unwell again, okay? This is not... If you have what I think you have, this is not just sniffles, you know? This could hurt you to death.

And there's no known way to make you better either. Yeah. But there is a way. What? No. To send a body back where it came from. It's like time is an elastic band and you just let it unsnap with the pop of a pill. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

A pill? I'm sorry. I'm the leading chronomancer in these parts and you can't do it biologically. You know what that is? That is cuckoo bananas. But you've done it and you will do it. That's madness. I don't know how to do it.

Turn off that show and get to work. All right. Well, I guess if you could biologically... No, wait. You do what you need to do. I'll get to work on this. And she starts working quickly, pulling out ampoules and powders,

sniffing them, testing them, and crushing them as she starts with suddenly renewed vigor making some kind of compound. All right, gods, it's all coming together. I think, right? Right. Kind of? Yeah.

So the sky people are going to show up again, the howlers. We're going to fight them. Wait, what's our play? Great question. Great question. What is our play? We don't want to show up again. The Howlers. We're going to fight them. Wait, what's our plan? Great question. Great question. What is our plan? Do we not want to kill them all? I mean, last time we didn't kill them. We sort of teamed up with them and then that's how we got back

to the job. And then we crashed. So do we want to do that much again? Or do we want to kill them all or take them prisoner? While you're doing this, I need you all to make perception checks for me. Oh, no. We've run out of time again.

That's 12. 21. 17. Yeah, no, I'm good. 18. Bastogne, you've moved towards the window during the conversation to allow the last few rays of the sun to eliminate your glorious, beautiful locks. And as you do, you gaze out for a second over the clouds

in time to see a shadow flying at high speed towards the airlock. Whatever happens, we have to get to the court of the exiles. Whatever happens. Whatever happens. There is suddenly a huge rumble as all of you are prepared. You hold your grounds as there is a cataclysmic explosion and you feel the sound of a deep impact, explosions occurring over the ship,

but one of them in the stateroom next to yours, unmistakably. There is a splintering of wood as it feels as if a heavy hit has been sustained as an alarm starts to blare. Would they have spotted this incoming because there were guards? Yeah, they were more prepared this time. That would be the alarm. Yeah, so we can assume the guards of the ship

are running to the impact. You can hear the guards running around as the alarm blares. Great, okay. Then Frieza might make his way to the bridge. It's hard to hear them because they're sashaying, but you can hear them. Again, it's a military sashay,

which is apparently a thing in this world. And so you're going to try and get through? Yeah, let's head to the bridge. Okay, as soon as you walk out into the corridor, the door of the stateroom next to you swings open and a figure in a howler still suit, all leather and wiry bone, springs out with a jagged, sharp glaive and dives towards the four of you. Now, I've already done the initiative before.

Can I make a quick perception check? Yep. There's a two-dooring there. Okay, cool. There's a guy there. Who's the person with the glaive attacking? Filge would be

normally at the front, so we'll say it's Filge. All right, so can the rest of us take attacks of opportunity against them or reaction attacks against them? No, so we're going into initiative, so...

Oh. If you're passing them, they will get it. They're passing us. They're attacking you. Okay, but they're attacking Filge. We're right there, so don't going into initiative. Oh. If you're passing them, they will get it. They're passing us. They're attacking you. Okay. But they're attacking Filge. We're right there, so don't we get to have a jab?

Hang on. You said, who's in front? Filge. And then they said, now you're saying, as they attack Filge, can we all get jabs? I didn't say who's in front. They're attacking Filge because Filge is in front. Okay. Dave, what's the armor class?

I got initiative 19. All right. No, I've said I've got a pre-rolled initiative here. So the first one. I'm sorry, but I do. The first one up is Filch. I'm going to attack the legs with my Thunder's Wake. All right, great.

You pull out your heavy maul and attack. Oh, great. I got 13. Don't worry about it then. In that case, now the next one up is Freezo. Are you trying to run past them or are you going to attack them? I guess I'll Witch Bolt them. That's a 26.

Alright, 26 will hit. Yeah, cool. I'll do the damage. Okay. What, a medal? How many of them are there? That is 13 damage. Just one guy, I think. Alright, Bobby?

I mean, I fell the perception check before, but do I... No, every time it's your action, you can make perception checks for your attack. Can I see if it's the same... Are there any discernible qualities between the suits, between them, that I recognise? Make a perception check. 11.

11, all right, and 11 will not do it, unfortunately. You still, however, get your action. I'm going to put my weapons down on the ground. Okay. And just hands up. Ooh. Again, Friso, this is fine, but Friso has unfortunately just blasted a shot of energy

into this guy's side. So you are sending mixed messages as a group, but that's fine. Okay, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a flurry of blows, okay? Real mixed messages. Okay, I'm going to punch. To Bobby.

He's got like a jet pack on, right? Yeah, no, he's had a skimmer. He was standing on his floor. Oh, okay, right. So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to do a stamp kick, which is going to smash them off his feet, and then I'm going to kick with the other leg,

and he's going to get hit square in the chest and fly out the window, and I'm going to be them off his feet, and then I'm going to kick with the other leg, and he's going to get hit square in the chest and fly out the window, and I'm going to be standing on his hoverboard. What do I need to roll to do that, Dave? He hasn't come through a window, so you'll be throwing him back into the stateroom he's come into. Yeah, that's cool. Great, all right, that's just a normal attack for now.

Okay, just one die. With disadvantage if you're trying to bull rush him as well. Oh, okay. Oh, a one and a 17. Okay, a one. I'll take the 17. A one. Dave, he wants the 17. Yeah, a one. I'll take the 17. A one. He wants the 17.

Yeah, I know. I hear what you're saying. Baston tries to do a screaming in his Chilton Mantras. He tries to do a kick, overcompensates, but his foot, the boot gets caught in the skimmer that's on the side of the floor next to the guy. Can I just hug him? No, because the skimmer accidentally activates as you kick it

and drags Bastogne prone and down the corridor, his foot entangled in the skimmer as Bastogne just disappears down the side of the ship as the figure. It's his turn now as he pulls off his howler mask to reveal the beautiful face of the first and last of the ancient Jars, the young lordling Strahd von Zarovich. What's he doing here?

Oh yeah, great. But his eyes are full of rage for Friso, the one who has blasted him as he pulls out two knives and dives at you, Friso. One of them goes wild but the other one does hit you for five points of damage and it is now your go,

Filch. I fall to my knees. Okay, real mixed messages. Yeah. We're all doing our own thing here, mate. Are you guys together? But we haven't had a chat. Okay. Okay, but hear me out. Alright. Almighty Lord. What?

Almighty Lord. Lord? Did I say Lord? You said Lord. Okay I sure it's very kind of you Almighty Lord oh let me introduce myself me name Filch we got off on the wrong foot Many futures from now and in one past Me know your potential Me know your power, your rage And your capacity to bring death and darkness over all the land That doesn't sound like me at all. Yeah, you're a cool guy now.

You're like a freedom fighter. Yeah. I mean, I just want to say, and sorry if this is weird, because it's always hard to ask, but do you want to hang out? Make a persuasion check. With disadvantage. You meet someone and you just want to be check. You know, it's weird. With disadvantage. You meet someone and, you know, you just want to be friends, you know, and it's so hard.

You can't just say, can we go to a movie? You don't want it to feel weird. But, you know, I'm just going to roll my dice. And I got a disadvantage, but I want to choose the 18. She wants the 18. I think we're going to take the three, which means that it's now Friso's action Oh now I feel stupid

It's hard Well I don't know what we're trying to do This is cool We didn't get to talk about it but come on guys Friso I'm going to need your action I'm just going to keep killing you Well fuck my plan I guess

That's another 11 points of damage as i said we haven't discussed you cannot teach an old dog new tricks or a young warlock new tricks either it seems but high above the balinox in the sky ship of casas the kind with a sickening, thuddering jar. Another brilliant bolt of pure ultramine lances forward from the hands of a warlock only recently reacquainted with the gift of magic and as tendrils of raw power wrap themselves around the neck of Strahd Onzarovich, a man who would one day become the greatest vampire who ever was, a man who would never forgive and never forget. He is thrown back to his knees.

But this is not that great vampire. This is not that villain of villains. This is not that challenge rating 18 D&D encounter. This is instead a young challenge rating 1 8th young lordling. And as 22 hit points absolutely eviscerate his personal hit point pool, the great Strahd dies high above his home and there will be no freeborn revolution. The Howlers will die here today.

And as Val rushes triumphantly out of the stateroom and pushes four glass ampoules into your hands, full of powder. It's like an elastic band, you were right, I figured it out, it's like an elastic band, it's Splings Ka-blanky! The skyship starts to fall from the sky. What did I miss? And to find out what happens next

tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hinn. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Carty.

Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Yorra Nation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in

you're still a dragon friend. A dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend Is everyone across this? One of Ben's fucked tweets got read out in Senate Estimates. Wait, can you explain to me what Estimates is? Senate Estimates is like the most serious form of Parliament.

You know when you see people in parliament they're like Mr Speaker, Mr Speaker and that's all theatre, right? Then they go into the actual job which is sitting in front of their colleagues

and Senate estimates or whatever and they get fucking grilled. And if you lie in Senate estimates it's a big deal and yeah, you get in a lot of trouble.

But you say it's important. It's a fucking joke too. It's like right now it's in the middle of an ABC witch hunt trying to track down evidence of ABC bias in presenters, in tweets. It's a fucking joke too. It's like right now it's in the middle of an ABC witch hunt trying to track down evidence of ABC bias in presenters, in tweets, not the presenters have tweeted, but in things that they have liked, right?

So some fucking guy has gone through all the tweets that Sally Naber, who's one of their Four Corners EPs, the show that went after Christian Porter, and found everything that she liked and... One of the tweets that Sally Naber happened to have liked was written by a young up-and-coming comedian by the name of Benjamin Coleman Jenkins. Christian Porter sued the ABC.

He's fucked up, but the Australian still thinks he's great. That's the set-up for this clip, Jay. OK. So I tweeted, I try and sue the ABC, but instead my pants fall down and I try to waddle away but accidentally waddle over a balcony and land headfirst in a truck of pig manure and my legs wriggle around and everybody sees my heart pattern boxer shorts. The Australian, a masterstroke. Now that's not... So that's a dramatic reading by Ben Jenkins.

This is a dramatic reading by Ben Smalls on the Legislative Committee? I try and sue the ABC but instead my pants fall down and I try to waddle away but accidentally waddle over a balcony and land head first into a truck of pig manure and my legs wriggle around and everyone sees my heart patterned boxer shorts