Dragon Friends - #7.09. Dead Man's Dack

Episode Date: July 17, 2021

It would seem the Dragon Friends are left with no mountains to conquer. Their sworn enemy lies dead in front of them and all they need to do is return to a blissful future free from tyranny. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lockdown fucking sucks and we're back in fucking lockdown. Other people have it worse in the world, but here we are. We're the heroes, the podcasting heroes. The world needs this. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend.

A fucking dragon friend. The dragon friends are falling Those proud mages of Netheril How like the gods themselves They must seem as they flit from floating city to floating city On skyships of shining gold and burnished steel One of those ships is called the Rapture An overgilded thing commanded by sky master chiron ambulatory brain

in a box and commodore of the ardent flight of the city of ilanar you are or were chiron's guests although you had precious little choice in the matter using information gained from previous cycles of the time loop you find yourselves trapped in you have convinced the netherese that you are gods and in truth you do know things that mortals should not know that knowledge has brought you to this ship and forewarned chiron that an ambush is about to play out one that you have seen before that you know comes on the orders of your one true enemy the dark lord strad now nothing more than a young, idealistic fool. And so the trap is sprung. The ship is rocking and rolling, falling from the sky.

Chiron is nowhere to be seen. And it seems as if the ship's sky throne is without a pilot. And in a passageway somewhere between the ship's staterooms and its two-hatted teppanyaki restaurant, the dragon friends stand over the very recently very dead body of the young strad, and it's time to work out what you're going to do next. Is it canonical that the teppanyaki restaurant had two hats? That's wild.

I'm going to be honest, Ting. I threw that in there. I just hate that restaurant and I wanted to make it pop. He said two stars, which means it's two out of five stars, which isn't great. No, he said two hats. He said two hats. So that's the good food guide, or is it a Michelin hat?

Is it a hat or stars? It's the Nethereese equivalent of a Michelin hat. What's it called? What's the Nethereese equivalent of a Michelin hat? It's a... I can field this one, David. It's a regular chef's hat, but it's got some stars and moons on it. Like a wizard's hat.

What the fuck would I do without you, man? Thank you so much. Yes, it's a regular hat with moons and stars. And just to fill out this world, Dave, how does a two-hatted teppanyaki restaurant differ from the run-of-the-mill teppanyaki restaurant that we'd all be familiar with? Okay, so really it's about experimental dining so a lot of it is about fusion is very big in the netherese empire at the moment this is a melting of low netherese

and high netherese cuisine and it's obviously made by a slug and that is good dinner theater because that is true yeah it's high cuisine and they throw it at you by a slug. And that is good dinner theater. Because that is true. Yeah, it's high cuisine and they throw it at you by a slug called slaggy beer. And also the bowls are smaller. So it's a higher difficulty level. That's why there's more hats. And it's high cuisine because it's flying through the sky. It's just burning through fucking time.

Here we go. And with the slug shift, Dave. What's he go by again? Sluggy beer. Sluggy beer. You know, what's their chef's table sort of fatal flaw? What's the thing that drives them? What's the trauma at their house?

You know what it is, Alex? What is it? You can't cook with salt. You know what it is, Alex? What is it? You can't cook with salt. But out of desperation comes great culinary practice. And so, yeah, they're really fantastic uses of spice. It's one of those fucking restaurants that you're sitting there.

You know like how really like you might when you're not a vegan, apologies to him, and you eat at a vegan restaurant, sometimes the nicest thing you can say is at the end of the meal you didn't realize everything on the menu was vegan? Yeah. You go out of this place, I think, and you eat at a vegan restaurant, sometimes the nicest thing you can say is at the end of the meal you didn't realise everything on the menu was vegan. Yeah. You go out of this place, I think, and you're like, oh, that sluggy beer is such a character, so many stories. I don't think there was any salt.

Was there any salt in your meal? I did not even miss it. And the person you're dining with is no man because sluggy beer is a slug. It would be fatal. And I'm going to sleep so well tonight. I don't need a glass of water. I'm ready to go.

Yeah, it's going to be fantastic. There's a body at your feet. Hey, guys, what did I miss? Bastogne appears at the edge of the passageway, clutching his skimmer board that he now has. You can add that to your inventory if you want, Bastogne. You have managed to turn it off, and you see the body of the young Strahd

lying at the feet of Friso Frisofferson as the eldritch magic crackles out of his fingers and the entire ship lurches a second time. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Mission accomplished. Our greatest foe defeated. I'm going to loot the body, Dave. What does Strahd have on him?

Okay, well, as we know from the last time loop, he has three healing potions on him. So you can go ahead and take that. He's also wearing a signet ring with the signet of the Zarovich line. So you can have that as well if you want. And also he has a small

engraving of an elderly figure in a blue robe sitting on a stool with a very distant expression on his face that you recognise as Paternius von Zarovich. And what's that in the form of? He's got a photo of his dad? It's a photo?

An engraving, a little lithograph, yeah. Okay, and you're going to accuse me of being a pervert here, Dave, but I want to find out something really intimate about him in case we meet him again and I can really confront him about it. How would you find out? Are you looking for permission? Boxes or bricks? Are you looking for...

Tell me what I need. So Phil, do you walk over and you start shimmying his pants down? Attack a dead body. Attack the body. Oh, you've done worse, Freeza. Phil says, don't look at me, Freeza. You know what you've done. I wanted him to be my friend and now look at me.

I wanted this to be a fun friendship, Dak, and now it's a dead man's Dak. Dead man's Dak. George was like, either way, I'm going to Dak this guy by the end of the day. That's the universe correcting itself it's always gonna end in a dack what what are we looking at what am i looking at here okay first of all he's wearing a still suit as i said he's wearing a combat uh zips down it's an entire

body suit that is made of a kind of waterproof leather that has been oiled so really what you do is you take a zipper that starts at his neck and you start pulling it down all the way past his stomach. The suspense, I can't wait! And then because it's fucking fantasy there's no underwear. What do you mean because it's fantasy there's no underwear? Do you think it's fantasy?

That's Dave's fantasy. Hang on a second, I simply Dave, I'm really in your corner a lot of the time but... What the fuck are you talking about? It does feel like a... Dave, I'm really in your corner a lot of the time. Dave, no. What the fuck are you talking about? It does feel like people don't have toilets. This does feel like something George Lucas would use to bully Carrie Fisher, doesn't it? No, but I'm like, they're not modern underwear,

not what we would understand. Not the technologically advanced underwear we have in 2021. Of course not. He's wearing a He's not wearing, you know... Holographic brood. He's wearing a thin, thin cotton... Tasmanian devil satin boxer shorts from Granny Mays. They don't have that technology.

He's wearing a thin cotton shift. It's basically just a sheet with a hole cut through for his head and it's wrapped around with a cord. Hey, guys, who do we think is playing young Strahd in this particular prequel? Timothee Chalamet? Do you know who I'm thinking? I was going to say Timothee Chalamet. Alex, I was Strahd in this particular Timothy Chalamet? I was going to say Timothy Chalamet Alex, I was going to say Timothy Chalamet We were all thinking Timothy Chalamet

I'm pretty sure the last time we did a series of streams or podcasts on Zoom, there was like an elaborate plot involving Timothy Chalamet I think we went for like several weeks When we go into lockdown, we become obsessed as a group with Timothy chalamet i think we went for like several weeks when we go into lockdown we become obsessed as a group with timothy yeah we opened the forums back up

so you look at timothy chalamet's dick so there's a peach right okay you gotta tell me i need some more information thin cotton shift throwing that what about belly button in your addy uh outie weirdly Outie, weirdly. Is it like in a cute little shape? Pierced as well. Pierced and an outie. I take the piercing, Dave. Ouch.

Okay. All right. Great. You have Strahd's belly button piercing. Any other piercings or tattoos on this man? An alarm sounds as the ship lurches again there is i will say there is a secret tattoo that he has underneath his armpit um going on the side of his hip yes yes and it is a tattoo of another barovian man looks a little bit like baston and it's a large graphic print of a guy's face that goes all the way down the side of his body. Who looks like Bastogne?

Mm-hmm. Must have lost a bet. Some kind. Wait, Bastogne, check your side. Bastogne pulls up his shirt. Do I have a matching tattoo of Stride on me? You have a missing season.

No, no, there's no tattoo. Dave, as the ship is plummeting to its doom, Friso is going to make a run for the bridge. All right, I need you to make for me quickly an athletics or acrobatics check. I'll go with athletics. DC 15. I'm going too, Dave.

Do you mean the Sydney Harbour Bridge? Yeah, yeah, Ben. I meant the Sydney Harbour Bridge. We did this last episode. Alex worked out what the bridge is on a ship. We're not doing this again. I rolled a 12, Dave. It's a good bit.

I rolled a 12. Yep. Eden? Eight. All right, great. So you're all stumbling and falling and flipping and falling backwards. And as a result, as you get to the bulkhead that connects to the bridge, just before you get to it, you turn around a corner in the passageway

and you smash into the figure of Jarek Rym, who's running, just coming off another tributary passageway, also heading towards the bridge. He doesn't know who you are and he spins around and quickly raises a dagger to ward you off. Keep your distance! Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm not here for trouble. I'm not here for trouble.

You're not one of my men. You work for the foul nethery spawn. I don't, or I did, but I'm just trying to get to the bridge of the ship. So just let me pass and nobody has to die. So you think that he's going to let you into the bridge of the ship. So just let me pass and nobody has to die. So you think that he's going to let you into the bridge because you really want to go while the ship is under attack.

I'm happy to fight if you want to fight. I want you to at least roll for it. I rolled a 14 plus 5. Does that hit? I'm attacking him with the glaive. I thought you were convincing him. I thought you were convincing him. I thought you were convincing him. I gave Dave the option.

You all heard me. I said, Dave, I'll fight if you want me to, and I can't remember what Dave said. Because you weren't listening to me. I was rolling the dice, Dave. It's very difficult to do this in lockdown. I'm having to roll dice. You didn't need to roll the dice yet.

Do you what? You haven't started the attack. You don't need to attack the dice yet. You haven't started the attack. That tells you something. You don't need to attack him. All I said is if you are trying to convince him that you are not his enemy, you do need to roll for it. Do you want that to be your persuasion roll? Oh, that's the roll you made. Right. In which case

I will roll for persuasion. Dave, I apologize. Okay, you rolled a 19. Oh, well, it'd be more than that because my persuasion is higher, but whatever. it was a pretty good roll. 23, whatever. So, okay, what do you tell him? I say, without that I've already won the roll, it doesn't matter. I'll tell him I'm a fucking banana.

No, it does fucking matter because we're playing D&D, all right? We're not playing 2-Up. It fucking matters to me. You have to tell me something. You have to give me anything. I'll tell him that, no, yeah, I'm not working for the Nether A's. I was a specific guest, a guest

of sluggy beer, and I was here as a restaurant critic for the Tepeyac restaurant, so let me through to the bridge. I don't know the ship's restaurant. I don't know the slug that you're talking about, but you're wrong as well, and I respect that, so if this is some kind of, like, hospitality issue,

I don't want to get in trouble with the union. What are you saying, man? I think that Sluggy Beer is probably pretty famous. Well, I mean, this is just, like, this is the tragic, you know, this is high-netherese culture, potentially. Like, maybe they don't, I mean, unless he's on MasterChef or something. Dave, is he on MasterChef? Is Slugger Deer on Nethereese MasterChef?

Does he do Coles ads? Is he on Fantasy Nethereese MasterChef and Fantasy Nethereese Coles ads? I know what you're all fucking trying to do, and I'm not going to engage with this. All right, so as you claim to be a restaurant critic, Jarek Rym looks at you, unsure what to do, because you've talked very fast and very convincingly. And he's trying to make sense of you when suddenly there is a loud crack, like lightning in the next room, or a very powerful whip crack.

And he spins around, points at you as if he doesn't quite know what to make of you, and then dives through the door into the next room where a very powerful whip crack, and he spins around, points at you as if he doesn't quite know what to make of you, and then dives through the door into the next room. But he's left you alone in the passageway as Bastogne and the rest of you, I assume, all sort of roll up behind you. That's a great question. What did you do with the body? I didn't take it.

We just left it naked on the floor. Okay, so you... Well, not naked, Dad. No, but I would say the shift is like riding up to his belly button. How do you sack someone in a onesie? You really got to work them out of it like a banana. It doesn't look like an accident. Like, we can't say he fell over and it all ended in his little weenie came out.

Don't you guys want a nemesis with the smallest amount of dignity? Does that not add anything to your backstories? Should I party him back up? It's too late. We already left. You're here. You're here. You're here now.

All right. So you have the passageway. You've convinced Jarek Rym not to stop you, Hing, and the rest of you are here. And he left the door open. So if you want to head onto the bridge, you're free to enter the bridge. I'm going to go to the bridge, and Friso's going to go for the keys to the car.

Okay, well, so the bridge is a large space. It has workstations around a sort of semicircle of desks that look over a vast starport. Well, a skyport, I should say, because this is just, this ship doesn't go to space. And the centerpiece, of course, is the Sky Throne that you've seen before. The ignition of it is the Claw of Chiron, and there is an identical claw that you can see about 30 feet away from you

sitting in the chair. And, in fact, there is an arcanist that you recognize as arcanist ballantyne who is strapped into the seat and he has two wicked looking crossbow bolts one piercing his cheek and one piece piercing his neck and his robes are stained with crimson and he is obviously dead and the reason that the ship is hurtling out of control as it's lurching around wildly and you can see the horizon slowly lazily drifting as the ship loses its um balance and starts to turn upside down and it will very soon be turning upside down and around that throne you can see the figures of one other arcanist sky master ch, and two wildling mages that you've seen before, Maisel and Moira Laroon, who are with their backs towards you, fighting huge sparks and arcs of magical power, flying from the Laroon siblings, being matched by Chiron as he suddenly pulls up his gauntlet and blasts of energy are thrown out towards Maisel,

throwing him against the balcony to your left. Who's here with Friso? All of us. All of us are? Okay. I want to pull the dead body of Arcanist Ballantine out of the pilot seat. So nobody has noticed you yet.

So you're going to walk into the room. They're fighting between you and the throne. Whose side do we want to pick? Well, we've already killed Strahd, so I think we need to take whatever side isn't Strahd. So that would be we want to kill the Laroons?

Or should we just kill everybody? Great. Love that. Yeah. Simple, clean. Devil's advocate, we just get out of here and go back to the future where Strata's never existed. I guess it's job done. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, like, why are we hanging around here?

Okay, okay. Yeah, all right. Bottoms up. So you're talking about taking the powders. At this point, huffing and puffing, little arcanist Marilene Val arrives a little bit further behind you, having stayed behind to at least give the body of Strata some small measure of dignity denied to him by the dragon friends oh hey guys i tucked his

did weenie in i just i did nothing else did nothing else really feels like an excuse just to touch it in my culture you have to tuck the veiny in um instead of closing the eyes exactly instead of closing the eyes i Exactly, instead of closing the eyes, you tuck Savini in. I actually heard that in that culture they put a small coin on the head of the weenie for the button.

Yes, I didn't have a... To pay the tarot. To pay the scrote. You didn't have a coin, see? To pay the scrote. He's the big bad of our entire series. Seven seasons. Not just seven seasons.

Seven years of your life. You're not respecting yourselves. Wait, the squirtman is the new big bad? He's always been the big bad, Alex. That's the thing. Oh, my God. I see it now. It's all connected.

Now, you can take these powders that Val has given you. Val, you are kind of dooming to die because the ship this fight at the moment, as I said, is lurching the ship out of control. That happened last time. The ship hasn't fallen out of the sky yet. You absolutely, nobody has seen Strahd's body, so I guess you can

choose whichever side you want or you can say fuck all these guys and go to the future. It's really up to you. I just had an idea, and I know I just suggested we just get out of here, but if Val dies, there may not be, and we need to get back because we fucked up somehow, there may not be a way back because maybe she's got to set up. No, but last time we were here, she died in that cave.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Here's what we want to do. Imagine saying this in front of her and her being like, what? Last time we were here she died in that cave. Wait a second, I died in what? Verily, for we are gods.

I'm going, Friso's going to, I think we should go back to the future, but Friso is going to make a run for the throne and is going to try and grab the other claw. I want a true real claw.

If you take the claw out of the throne, whoever wins this fight, they can't start the ship. Exactly, so they're going to die. It's going to fall out of the sky, they're going to die. So we're not only killing Strahd, we're also killing Skymaster Kyren. And so when we go back, the Netherese won't be as powerful because they're going to

have lost a lot of their army in this ship. Okay, you have to run past them, as I said. As you run past, you see the figure of Jarek Rym who is sneaking in, trying to turn the tables on Chiron. He spots you, and I need an opposed dexterity check to see if you can get to the claw before him. Dexterity. So it's a d20 plus dexterity.

14. Yeah, 14. 14, all right. Can we mob him? If we see what Frieza's doing, can we barrel through like a scrum? You can give him advantage, absolutely. If you all go through, let's help him out. All right, I'll roll again.

The second roll is 5 plus 3, 8. So 14's the highest. Okay, 14. All right, hang on. Let me see. An 11. An 11. So that means that you race forward as Jarek Rym sees you

and says, I thought you were a restaurant critic as he pulls two daggers diving at you and jumps at you as you grab the claw, jerk it out of Valentine's seat. And all of you bite down on a twist of paper full of powder that you had been given not moments ago by Arcanist Val. And as you see the figure of Jeregrim diving towards you, time seems to slow down and crawl until it seems that he is suspended as if in honey. And then the world freezes into silence and starts to roll back again as a profound dizziness takes over all of you. Light blurs away to the edge of consciousness. The white at the sides of your vision

coalesces to a single dot and you find yourself snapped back as if by an elastic at great and powerful strength back to the year 1493, Dale Reckoning, back to the third age of Faerun. And as your eyes come together, you find yourselves sitting improbably for you took this medicine at a great height somewhere over the Balinox

and you are probably, I would argue, quite lucky that you do not find yourself immediately falling, but you do not. Instead, you find yourself in some kind of utility closet in a strange metal room. There are mops and buckets, a door to the exit, and it seems also a small collection of signage, of, like, wet floor signage. And there is a utility cart. The entire space is about 10 feet by 5 feet by 10 feet,

a very small cramped room. And all of you are sitting, are lying in a heap on the ground in the centre of this room. I got two glaives. His glaive made it? So everything's really going just as planned Should we start calling you like Two glaives

Two glaives So you know a glaive is like a giant double handed Like a halberd A big A battle spear Bethany had a glaive It was fucking sick I miss it every day Dave

So we're in this closet. Baston's looking at Friso. I've gotten mixed up maybe over the years. What does Friso look like right now? He's a young man, possibly Chinese. He's possibly Chinese? He's possibly Chinese. Well, his teeth are. We know that much.

No, he's a human man. I think his colon is still elven though. What? He's still got a delicate elven bowel. Yeah. Elven IBS. Bastion's gonna look at Friso and be like, how did you

come to be human, possibly Chinese again? Does that not come up yet? I don't think it has. We haven't had a chat since Fraser came back. This is me. Sorry, yeah, Alex, you're right. This room is quiet.

If you haven't had this conversation, that's permitted. Yeah, man. Yeah, why you... You don't look the same. What happened? From memory, and my memory is quite sketchy, and this is Friso talking, not Michael Hing. Michael Hing remembers everything.

From memory, I was taken under the wing of a harpy, I think, and she put a big black stone in my chest. Of course, that was taken out of me because I was dying. And I think as a result, I turned Chinese. Okay, just tell us the truth, all right? I'm sure it's not that embarrassing. You can tell us. There was a while where I was kind of a snail, you see?

Okay. And that didn't work out. You were a snail? I was a snail. I had sort of snail eyes. Are you familiar with the actor Tilda Swinton? Of course. Yeah, I mean.

Isn't everybody? I sort of looked like her for a bit as well. I've taken many forms in the last thousand years. When you say you know Tilda Swinton, this is, do you know Earth's Tilda Swinton? Well, I mean, they're in Japan. You know how famous actors are always doing, like, ads in Japan? Yeah.

Tilda Swinton did, like, a cereal ad in Faerun. We all know it. It was called Chompums. And what was the product, Al? Chompums. They were mostly corn-based, perfect cubes. And that was what set them apart for the rest of the- What did she say about these perfect cubes of corn?

She said, I'm Tilda Swinton. You don't know me, but no matter what plane of existence I am on, I want to chomp a cube. So I choose to chomp. And when I choose to chomp, I chomp cubums. Wait, chompums. Where is she saying that? Did she say, I chomp cubums, wait, chompums?

And they didn't do a second take? It was in her contract. One take only. I don't do second take. You don't want to see the other takes, Dave. I feel like people in Faerun would have been like, okay, some questions. Firstly, who the fuck is that?

Second question. Well, she said I'm Tilda Swinton. What is this machine that I'm watching this on? Al, if that was the best take they did, do you know what the worst take looked like? What was Tilda's worst take she did? She said, I'm Tilda Swinton. This is what Chinese people sound like.

And it wasn't very good. She did a bad job. She did a really bad job. Oh, my God. Okay. Right. I. Right. I was cursed. The long and short of it is I was cursed.

I died. I came back. I probably died again. I went to hell. I was in heaven. I killed a king and a demon. I had a – there was a million lifetimes I lived without you guys. Because you abandoned me.

So many metaphors. Jesus Christ, get over it. You're hanging with a crew? You're by yourself? Or you're hanging with a crew or what? I was with some of the most fearsome adventurers you're ever likely to come across. Well, I'll kill them.

Well, actually, I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you. You tell me. What do you talk about? I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you this. Well, you have to. I'll kill you with a broom if you don't tell me. What are you talking about? I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you this. Well, now you have to. Come on. I'll kill you with a broom if you don't tell me. Yeah, come on.

If I tell you this, though, I might get in trouble from them. Oh, you're scared? What's going on here? You're scared of your little hell friends? Okay. I think they're going to try and kill you. I'm pretty sure they made a deal with a very powerful demon. And this is the thing I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell you.

So I hope I don't get in trouble for this. But I'm pretty sure. What does getting in trouble look like in this case? There is a blink in which I find myself in a principal's office. And there's a devil standing there. And he's like, I'm sorry, can I just talk to you for a second? And there's a devil standing there's like I'm sorry can I just talk to you for a second there's a snap in your back um no I I'm pretty sure they signed a contract with the

devil and the devil was gonna kill sorry and they're gonna come and kill you they're gonna hunt you down and kill you oh oh you know actually you know who you know who was there you know who you know who was there do you remember my old dragon that I had? Yeah, Bushu.

Yeah, Bushu. We have Bushu. How's he doing? He's dead now. Okay. He died. He died. What a way to tell.

Filch starts to cry. Bushu dead? Bushu was there.ershu was dead. Bershu's dead. Bastogne, you look particularly upset about Bershu dying for some reason. Well, he was a nice guy. He was the best of you, certainly. Yeah, I guess he was.

But he didn't survive. Survive what? Hell, et cetera. Didn't you get, like, you were in jail How did you get out of jail? Oh No, but that's, to be fair, you all know that The reason that all of these things happened to Friso

Was because at a time three years ago The Dragon Prince had a choice Bring Bobby Pancakes back to life And condemn Friso to magical imprisonment with Mystra Or lose Bobby forever and let Friso go free. And they decided that mandatory rehabilitation was the best option for the blue-skinned man. Yeah, but they don't know how he got out.

Yeah, so how was rehab? Do you feel, is that why you're Chinese now? No! Possibly. Chinese happened. Chinese Chinese. What is Chinese? We know Japanese. Come on, we've been to Japan. Two together. Chinese happened. What is Chinese? What is Chinese? We know Japanese. Come on, we've eaten Japan.

Two together. It's not the same, Alex. I know that. Do you? Do you, Alex? No, Chinese happened. Chinese happened after rehab. Sorry, I'm still laughing at chompers. Chinese happened after rehab. So it wasn't part of the rehab.

I don't want you to think that me turning Chinese was therapeutic in any way. But I was completely recovered. I was rehabbed. And then. No, this was, sorry, this was after your personality was cured, Hing. Yes. Did you mean Friso? Did you mean Friso just in day?

This is after you mentally became. Yes, sorry, Friso, obviously. This is after Friso? Did you mean Friso just one day? This is after you mentally became... Yes, sorry, Friso, obviously. This is after Friso became mentally better. Yeah, well, Friso spent 16 years in a prison with Mystra. I think it made him... I think he learnt and grew. There was that one time he had a lovely five-side chat with Bethany. The old Friso wouldn't have had that chat.

All right. Okay, so you're a different guy now, but your friend's going to kill us? I got two glaives now, so that're a different guy now But your friend's gonna kill us I got two glaives now So that's a big change That happened like ten minutes ago Well you have come from that lifetime ago If you want to find out more about it

You can find it on the Dragon Friends Twitch channel The Beef Babes But you have come out of that world With a new face and a new ethnicity And only two magical items. Everything else you lost, you burnt so many magical books just to keep cold in Icewind Dale, but you came out of it with the nine live stealing longsword

that you found in Theros and a scroll wrapped in a very dangerous scroll of ancient Nethereus magic that you found in the present inside a vault inside Icewind Dale. So let's get out of this cupboard. Yeah, let's get out of here. I don't mean a cupboard. I'm going to take a... Let's wheel the trolley.

This seems like a natural disguise. Absolutely. Before we do that, I'm just going to quickly take Frieza aside just in the corner to say, like, I know we didn't fully discuss the choice that these guys made. And just, you know, like, I didn't make that choice and I carried a lot of guilt about that. And I still do, to be honest. So, like, I just want to check that we're cool.

Well, my understanding is you were dead when they made the choice, right? Yeah. So you had no agency in the choice? No agency. You're clear. Great. So what then? What?

What are you guys saying? Sorry, sir. It's a very small echoey cupboard. No, it's a 10 foot by 5 foot cupboard. This is a huddle for people who have died. Let me take you aside in this cupboard. It's basically a turnaround to an opposite corner. This is a huddle for people who have died. Let me take you aside in this cover. It's basically a turnaround to an opposite corner. This is a huddle for people who have died.

So unless you've died, can't be in the huddle. Okay, well, me respect the rules of the huddle. Well, we look forward to meeting your friends who have sworn to kill us. I'm sure that would be delightful. Yeah. Are they going to kill me because I didn't actually make that choice that's another okay mr not my fault i think the i think they were after the dragon friends which technically i don't think i'm part of anymore um what well well otherwise i'd have to kill myself and i'm not gonna sign up for that no but you said that

were your friends so are you part of this deal to kill dragon friends? Oh, yes, I am, actually. Now that I've brought that out, I am. What? Well, at some point, they're going to come and kill you, and I'm going to have to pick a side then. But we can kick that ball down the road. I think.

We don't have to decide on that now. You know what? I'm fine with that. Let's push the trolley. You turn and look, and as you turn around, you see that Bastogne has already put himself in a custodian's uniform. He saw inside the trolley, it's a grey, drab, featureless jumpsuit. It has, strangely, two apertures at the back of it on each shoulder.

There are some strange metal apertures as if something connects to them, but otherwise it looks like a jumpsuit. Is there enough for everybody? There are more of these jumpsuits. The apertures are like plug-in tubes for a matrix needle. It looks like some kind of plug-and-play thing, yeah. Plug-and-play, hey. Should we all put them on?

Yeah, we'll put them on. All right. Okay, looking good. Now we look like a team. and play thing yeah plug and play hey good we all put them on yeah we'll put them on all right all right okay looking good now we look like a team okay me gonna carry this mop me gonna carry this broom there was only one mop and one well bobby i'll push the trolley then love that bobby you want to go to the trolley oh yeah i'll just sit on top of the trolley like that. Actually, a great question. Sorry again for the consequences looming on your horizon, Hing, but you have stolen two giant war weapons, huge spears.

So what are you going to do with them? I could unscrew my mop head and you could put a mop on top of one of them. Ooh, secret glaive. Yeah, great idea. Going to hide the glaive, going to hide the blade of the glaive with a mop head. And we could use the broom to be on the other one, the broom head. Great idea.

All right. Simple. I'll carry both of those then, and if you guys could push the trolley, that would really help me out. Okay, so Freezer's walking with two giant war spears disguised as a mop and a glaive. You're all in jumpsuits as you open the door, Bobby, cautiously and peek your head down what looks like a very thin, long corridor. This entire structure that you're in is claustrophobically thin and this corridor snakes forward. It doesn't snake.

claustrophobically thin and this corridor snakes forward it doesn't snake so rigidly goes down about 60 feet and you can see a stairwell at the end of those 60 feet and then the bell rings and all of the school kids pour out into and it's end of third period oh no the mean girls okay so there are doors at regular intervals and there's stairs leading down and stairs are there little windows on the doors? No, there isn't. And the entire area is made of the same strange... It feels like a kind of metal stone composite. Everything feels almost sci-fi.

It kind of recalls your time in Tokyo, but that can't be right because you're still in the Forgotten Realms. Can I open one of the doors and peek inside? The doors seem to be locked. Can I try and jimmy one open? You've got a little sneaky lockpick. You absolutely can. You've got your lockpicks.

Is that sleight of hand? Mm-hmm. Okay. What kind of locks, keyholes do they have? They have normal, like you recognize them? They're the same as they were in your own time. So you got a 17. You work carefully the lock on the door next to this custodian's closet

and the door opens into a dark, what seems to be again, quite a slightly, a sort of strangely cramped room, but you can walk into it if you want. The room is so dark and this entire space is so dark that it's kind of difficult to see. Bobby, are you going to sneak into the room? Yeah, sure. All right.

You notice that there is a strange smell like sweat and mildew in this room. It feels a bit, it has a bit of a gym locker feel to it, but there's something strange. There's another tang, a kind of chemical smell that you can't quite trace as you walk into the room almost immediately you brushing against you hadn't noticed it from the corridor but there is a kind of opaque uh sort of strange sheet there like a medical sheet in front of the doorway that is obscuring the rest of the room and you can see now that there is a strange glow on the other side but you can't see what it is and you also notice there's a hum in the air can i do an investigation check you can that's a 15 are you going through the sheet or are you staying on your side um i'm gonna go through the sheet all right you walk carefully through the

sheet and on the other side of the sheet you see that there are four figures one of them looks like an old man two of them look like young men one is a young woman and they are seated on a on identical perfunctory looking chairs of the same metal stone compound wearing jumpsuits similar to yours and on the back of them are snaking out large rubbery looking tubes connecting to the backs of their shoulders that are glowing with a sort of strange malevolent red energy which was giving the room its glow as the hum gets louder and louder and as you carefully walk and look at them one of the figures the old man eyes snap open and his pupils focus on you hello um good question is that red stuff coming out of you or going into you

he looks at you and his mouth opens in an o as he, as he, and he starts to vibrate in what looks like it's, it's strange. It's not quite terror. You've had, people have been terrified of the dragon Prince before, but this is something new as with great effort. He takes a hand that you now see is on a quite shriveled looking arm. And he points at the door at you and then moves his hand and points at the door behind

you um i'm just gonna just one second thanks uh and i'll stick my head back out of the sheet and be like guys i think this is a prison of some sort there's you probably want to check this out all right i'll pop my head in what's going on with these people? All right, the moment you turn your head around towards the door that he's pointing at as well, I will say that you notice that there is a faded poster on the door. And in the low light, it's difficult to make it out, but there is some kind of diagram or schematic

or something that has been pasted there as you bring the other dragon friends into the room. The figures seem content to sit there. The man's eyes are open and he's vibrating with some kind of very powerful emotion, but he doesn't seem able or willing to speak and his hand is still pointing at the poster on the door. What's on the poster?

You need a light source that's better than this glow. Who's got light? The foods can see in the dark. I've got dark vision. I no longer have dark vision now that I am Chinese. Okay, when you say it like that, it really feels like non-Chinese humans can see in the dark. Well, that's not what I took away from that, Dave. But if that's how

you interpreted what I said... What does Phil see? You see a grimy poster and everything in this room is sort of covered in a strange chemical-smelling grime. As you wipe it, you see that there is a figure of somebody standing

in a heroic pose and the more and more you wipe you realize that there are words written underneath underneath it in the common tongue and as you wipe it you slowly realize that it is a figure of a halfling in a black tunic standing triumphantly on what looks like a pedestal um with a littleache and a haunted expression and a neat little haircut. It's Bobby Pancakes. And above it, it says He Shall

Return. And below it, it says Do It For Them. Huh? Huh? It's just Bobby on the poster? Just Bobby, yeah. Any big half-works there? Yeah, how come? There are figuresworks there? Yeah, I'll go.

There are figures in the shadow behind, and this poster looks like it may be one of a set. Do it for them. Oh, there's a poster of you, Bobby. Say, do it for them. Anything else? Does it look like a propaganda sort of poster? Yeah, so you read it.

It looks, yeah, it's done in a kind of propaganda style. It says, he shall return, do it for them. And then underneath it says in very, very small text, quotas increase this month. We shall be prepared. We shall persevere. And then there is a stylized figure of a K with a crown sitting in a pyramid, which is a logo of some sort. A K? A K in a pyramid? crown sitting in a pyramid, which is a logo of some sort.

A K? A K in a pyramid? A K in a pyramid? What? Yeah. That's the chompums' logo. Oh, and underneath it there's another poster for chompums. I'm going to take it down I'm going to take it down.

Okay. It clings to your fingers in a strange way and you don't feel great about how you've had to wipe away this grime and then you've pulled this off. It comes limply off the wall like it was pasted there many years ago. ago, but it comes together and you sort of take the limp poster and you roll it up and you stow it somewhere in your backpack or utility closet or around a mop-disguised spear. Um, Bobby, I think Bobby's like, um, uh, this, this sucks. This isn't good. I'm just going to uncouple these guys from these tubes. I think Bobby's like, has a, like a pretty visceral reaction to like tubes what's happening um okay how are you going to do that is there well are there like mechanisms

are they kind of like is there like a thing that you took like interconnecting to the you know they seem to be they seem to be connected to the tubes it's hard to tell because there are the couples on their jumpsuits similar as yours but you start to pull them and they... Like pulling out a cannula. It is a strange bionic to organic... Why is that your go-to? How do you describe pulling a plastic tube from someone's flesh? What's your go-to? Wait, does a cannula only go in the penis?

What? Michael, who's giving you a cannula? Who is your doctor? I thought a cannula specifically was the one that helped you pee out of your penis. That's a catheter. That's a catheter. Sorry, everyone.

Suddenly you hear a and then a click sound that sounds for all the world like a door has opened up on the other side, from the other way that you came from the custodian's closet. And then footsteps start coming down these steps. You are all inside this small locked room, but you can hear footsteps coming down the corridor. I assume that your utility car, because it wouldn't have fit in the room, is sitting outside in the corridor.

That's true. Let's just go talk to these guards. We can explain what's going on. Yeah, yeah, they're going to love us. Okay, Friso, you are the first one to come out wearing your custodian's uniform as you step out of the room and you can see that there is indeed a figure

in some kind of uniform. This one is not wearing the same kind of jumpsuit. It's wearing a dark midnight cobalt blue suit. It's a one-piece suit. Again, well, it is a jumpsuit, I guess, but it's form-fitting. It has silver epaulets, and it has the same K crown pyramid insignias wrought on both shoulders. I guess I'll talk to that person.

I'm going to hide back in the room, just behind the curtain. Okay, so you're hiding. So only Frieza's coming out? I'll go with Frieza. Frieza and Bastogne come out. Bobby is trying to pull the wet tubes out of the four in the chairs. And Filch is hiding. Filch, make a stealth check.

Bobby, make a stealth check. As the figure sees the two of you he's where he's got a crew cut uh blonde hair and he sees you and turns around as his face lights up now you aren't meant to be cleaning in there you can't you've got to clean in the corridors you don't clean in the in the room my mistake well no hang on a second it's not just your mistake it's's my mistake too because I'm supervising this whole area and

if there's a breach, then I'm the one who's Johnny Asshole for the week. Hey, don't be like that. You don't need to... No, no. Hold on a second. I don't recognise you guys at all. Well, that hurt my feelings. What year is it?

It's what? What year is it? It's what? What time is it? What are you playing at? Where are we? Who are you? No, hang on a second. What's going on? This doesn't sound like things that my normal cleaners would say. No, it's not. Look, I just need to know what's going on.

Alright, I'm going to know something's very wrong here. I'm calling the guards. As he says that, he takes out a silver capsule and presses it and it starts to flash. Why'd you go and do that, dude? But because he doesn't have any weapons or anything, he's still kind of looking at you.

He doesn't have anything else he can do. Come on, dude. Because you said really weird things. What, so someone asked you where they are? I could be disoriented. Maybe I had a bump on the head and you're going to call the guards? Did you have a bump on the head? Maybe. Maybe. Did you

have a bump on the head? At one point. Well, hang on. What's happened? No, listen. Okay, Bobby and Phil, what are you guys doing? Did you bump your heads together like a pair of coconuts? That's exactly what happened. We think. We can't quite remember. You've called the guards on us. I want you to think long and hard about how you're going to operate.

The last thing I remember is that I dropped a penny. Here, touch here on my forehead. You can feel the bump. I can't feel any bump at all. And then I smack him in the face. All right, quickly make an attack. All right. Dave, I was not being very quiet.

I was seven. I did seven. So I was bumping and thumping around in there. Well, you should have told me that. Why? I didn't really have an opportunity. They were weaving a rich narrative. Okay, Ben, how do you feel about the fact that your character

could feel that there was a very large person in the other room shuffling around, hopping from one foot to the other with nervous kid energy? Look, I think this guy is a bit of a coward and I think, to be honest, a lot of his anxiety about all this was probably that he knew that in the back of his mind. Okay, did you get a 17, Bastogne?

Probably why he called the guards. Oh, a 20. Okay, Bastogne grabs his head and smashes it against the stone metal compound wall and the man's eyes blessedly roll up into his head as he doesn't need to deal with this problem anymore and he falls to the ground his little beeper still flashing clatters to his feet can i click on it again like to turn it off the beep starts to go double time uh-oh i hit it one more time it doesn't do anything else does it does it keep making the noise

yeah twice as fast i throw it down the corridor. Scatter, scatter, scatter, clatter, clatter, clatter. Right. Okay. Didn't even put it in a bin, just threw it. It wouldn't turn off. So whatever time you have, you don't have very much time because it's clear that's an alarm of some kind. Let's go back into the room.

Yeah, let's hide in the room. Hide in the room. And we'll pull the guy in with us, the coward. Yes. Okay, so you take the coward and you drag him into the room as well. And you're just going to wait for the cops? We're going to wait and just see what we can hear. It worked at schoolies.

It'll work again. Is there anything else anyone else is doing during this time? Or are you just sitting there in anticipation? Are the tubes coming out or there's just no gear on them? Oh, Bobby has continued to pull them out. And as he does that, as you come back into the room, there is suddenly a wet sound like a fish being pulled from a fish. And as you do that, these tubes fall out. And a strange kind of blue viscous energy

stains the back of his coat but you realise that whatever the tubes were, they were pulling something out of him as they sort of hang there loosely and rubbery in your hands and a light that was blinking red behind him, giving that room that red glow suddenly switches off.

The guy's, as the guy's head snaps forward, and then his eyes clear and he looks up at you. Oh, shift's over, is it? Oh, that's good. I usually feel a bit worse, but I must have had a bit more in me. Who are you?

Who are you? What? Who are you? Where are we? What year is this? I'm Paul You recognise my friend? Wait a second

And the second time Although it seems like he didn't recognise what happened while he was plugged in His eyes vibrate He looks up and his mouth starts to form And oh as he looks at you No this isn't real This is like the time they got those dress-up people to come to the factories, put on a little show.

This can't be you. Who? Who are we? Well, Bobby, Phil, Bastard and Friso. How do you know who we are? And as he says that, he slowly gets up and then with his arthritic limbs creaking, he falls down onto his knees in front of

you oh my god my my sorry sorry for the over familiarity it's just it's just you know you you talk about your whole life and you're sort of you sure had oh my my, my God of Secrets. Nice. Which one was I? You're the God of Thieves. He starts hitting himself for not saying it quickly enough. And there's four of us, but you've only named three gods. And the God of Love and Sadness, of course.

Love and Sadness, that's me. I married my wife under your sign, he says. Absolutely. And got divorced, I hope. Yeah, it's the same building. Very good. Is it really you? Well, yep. Have you returned?

Here we... To save Nethereal once again? Save Netheril! All right. Yeah, he goes on to say that that's correct. The stories that a thousand years ago, the gods came once. They destroyed the great enemy who would hurt our benevolent Lord Karsus and freed him from the fight against the Howlers and then disappeared.

But he has told us that if we pray and if we meet our quotas and if we keep the energy crisis at bay, then one day you will return to liberate us. Oh, they're juicing him, guys. They're bloody juicing him. They're juicing him just like back before. Nothing changed. Just now they say it's us.

They're juicing the juice right out of this little prune. My lord. The what, Filch? The juice and the juice. What words are these? The juice and the juice out of this little what? Little prune. He's becoming, they're pruning.

They're making them from. Oh, I understand what you're saying. And yes, I think you're kind of... Filch realises that, yeah, they're choosing these guys. I get it now. I think I speak Filch. Yeah, it looks like they're sucking energy. And the colour of the light that's coming out of them

is the same colour as the face paint of the Megan. Something is pulling energy out of this guy's family, you presume, these other figures, although his tubes are sitting limply there now. A great dishonour has been done in our name. You, Paul. Oh, is this something I said when I was really over-familiar on first-name basis?

Oh, please don't smite me. I did not mean to dishonour you. We should wake up Martha. Martha's a big fan of yours, God of Thieves. Is she? Big time. Does she know the big stuff or does she know the sort of more, does she know the deep cuts as well?

I mean, you know. Well, she loves all the holofilms. The holofilms? holofilms um you know she she makes me watch god of thieves in the in the jungle um one two and four she she she makes me um you know she did she took a watercolor class to be able to paint the god of thieves and they're not very good she read she read the books? Well, no. I mean, she doesn't have a lot of time to read in her four hours. I mean, there's only so much she can do. And now that they're upping the quota, I mean...

But I will tell her, I will tell her, take your three hours and really use them to give yourself to the God of Thieves now that I've met you and you're benevolent. And taller than I thought. You thought what? You thought I... Anyway, look, it's not important.

It's not important. Take us to whoever we need to go and see. Yeah, who's in charge? Who is the king? Is Karsa still hanging around or...? As he says that, he makes a cuneiform sign of a K three times on his chest in quick succession and shudders. Oh, of course, this must be a test, a test that I hope I passed.

Yes, Karsus still reigns. Well, can you take us to Karsus? Is this another test? How would I get an audience with Karsus? Well, you should tell Karsus that the gods have returned. But how would I? I've never met the man in my life. What are you doing on your day off?

If you're useless to us, we can deal with you. Wait. Come on, Bobby. You're being pretty quiet. Are you just sussing this out? Bobby is actually standing right against the corner now, still holding in his hand one of the tubes that is now sitting limply at his side. You sucking on that tube over there, quiet?

No, I'm not sucking on it. Is it any good? Can I try it? It's not sucking. Don't suck on it. It's got this guy's energy. We don't know. It's got his force in it. Don't put it in your mouth, you fucking animal. If the Lord of God of sadness and love

would want to suck on my energy tube, I would be honoured. Well, it sounds like you'd be rude not to now, doesn't it? Okay. All right, kids, we'll all have a go on the energy tube. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Got a secret, Steve. You owe me an offering.

The only God dad. Not for me. Simon being like, no, actually, no one's going to have a suck on the energy tube, all right? Because you didn't behave yourselves, did you? Now, that's your own fault, isn't it, kids? Paul. Yeah, Scott of Secrets.

Offer me a secret. Tell me how you really feel about Cassis, about your life, about the life of your family. Offer me that secret as a sign of goodwill and I will bless you. Surely this is a test. Do the other gods have to listen? I mean, they're not the god of secret. No, no, no. We respect the huddle. We'll turn to the other side of the small room. Yeah, we respect the laws of huddle, but

like, is my thing anything more than rocks? You had your opportunity for your thing to be anything And you picked rocks You're the god of rocks And the law developed Paul No no strangely

You know what you see another poster And it says do it for her And it's filled holding a rock Looking very non-magical But you know God of rocks you know It is big rocks and little rocks. Not pebbles, though. Not pebbles.

That's a whole different pantheon. That's a different guy. That's actually under the remit of the God of Secrets. What? Well, because what is a pebble but a secret rock? What about precious rocks, diamonds, rubies, that sort of thing? Oh, goodness, no. That's the God of Precious and Magical Gemstones. He gets jewels? Well, because we, that sort of thing. Oh, goodness, no. That's the thing. The god of precious and magical gemstones.

He gets jewels? Well, because we steal them, I imagine. Is that right? He's getting like a fist-sized rock up to a boulder. That's it. But do you know what? There was a great theological debate recently about whether or not hardened and calcified feces

is counted for the God of Rocks. And I have to say, I followed it with great interest. And they are yours. This is how this guy uses his four hours. I got dry poo. All right. The rest of the gods, agreeing to the rules of the huddle, head to the other side of the curtain, leaving just the rules of the huddle, head to the other side of the curtain,

leaving just the God of Secrets, Paul, and his calcified family. I put both my hands on his shoulders and just look him dead in the eye, face very uncomfortably close to his face. God of Secrets, if this is a test and I have somehow failed, I'm sorry, and I will offer you my secret. is a test and I have somehow failed I'm sorry and I will offer you my secret in my heart of hearts I feel how kind

and benevolent and wise and beauteous leader Cass is a bit of a prick I sometimes feel that the world that he has built is not favourable to the overwhelming majority of us.

But I say this in the depths of my ignorance and in the depths of my loneliness. And of course, that is what somebody so full of spite and full of stupidity would believe. If this is a true secret, it is a true truth. I accept your offering. Thank you. Guys, come in here. We're fucked up. And so a pact has been made between a follower and a leader,

a god and a mortal man, for it seems that the new world this third age of order controlled by the casas who never died never left and who swore that one day four would return reigns supreme and amidst the energy quotas admits the energy crisis and admits this this great age of new buildings and greater works. Human kind and mortal kind suffer under the yoke of a man who has no more enemies, who had no reason to be challenged, and who would one day, over a thousand years, grow to rule all of these forgotten realms. Not for himself, though, never for himself,

for as he was always clear to say, he was but one who served those that would come again, those four great and powerful and benevolent leaders that would save this world from the energy crisis, and their names would be the Dragon Friends. Thank you. Thank you. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing.

Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and post accompaniment by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded from our homes in this hopefully brief reprisal of the age of isolation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend.

A fucking dragon's friend I want you to put yourself, dear listener, take yourself on an imagination holiday to the Comedy Store. I want you to imagine there's a lot of tables. It's cabaret seating. It's a novelty cocktail. Yeah, there's a novelty cocktail. The drinks are not as expensive as you'd think, but they're not cheap. The parking is expensive.

The parking is very dear. I want you to imagine, dear listener, that you've just forked out some money for parking that you didn't think you'd have to. Or alternatively, you've parked across the street in the park and you've walked through the cold, wet Sydney rain and unfortunately it's right near where they train the police horse and you've stopped, you've stepped directly in some dog shit.

I mean horse shit. No dog shit. That's the most horrible part about it. Dog shit in front of the horse shit station. Some monster let their dog shit right on top of a horse shit. That's how I show my dog it's better than a horse. And now, dear listener, you're sat there at the comedy store and the show was meant to start five minutes ago, but who's that you see in his waistcoat and tie? Why, it's better than a horse. And now, dear listener, you're sat there at the comedy store and the show was meant to start five minutes ago,

but who's that you see in his waistcoat and tie? Why, it's Dave. Fuck you. He's stalking around the venue. It could have also been me, but in this situation it's Dave and he's looking very stressed like the show was meant to begin some time ago. And you give him a little wave and he gives you one back

and soon the lights go down and the music comes up and there's the voice that you recognise as Mr Michael Hing and he's introducing David Harmon onto the stage and he says, Oh, ladies and gentlemen and everybody else, this evening you will see a man have a complete breakdown on stage as his friends bully him away from his original intention of playing Dungeons & Dragons. It is Dungeon Daddy Dave Harmon. And the crowd clap.

Some of you get awful little stiffies. Yeah. Because you're anticipating that erotic tinkle-tankle of dice Alright, and like every other D&D player on fucking Zoom at the moment Are we ready to play some Dungeons & Dragons? Yes, we are