Dragon Friends - #7.10. The People's Goo

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

The Dragon Friends have found themselves in a present not their own. Can they navigate this new time without further disturbing a thousand years of history built off their incompetence? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Everybody's internet is working, everybody's microphones are working, we're stuck in our homes but it ain't gonna stop us from playing Dungeons and Dragons because otherwise we would have to sit alone with our own thoughts. Are you ready to play some D&D? Friendship is forever, friendship never ends It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a Dragon Friend A fucking Dragon Friend The Dragon Friends have found themselves in a future that never was

Brought about by a past that must not be allowed to be Strahd is long dead and yet in his absence Somewhere, somehow, something has gone horribly wrong In these forgotten realms One thousand years since the old cruel empire of High Netheril was meant to fall and it instead seems to cling onto power somehow, at least in the facility you find yourselves transported to,

where talk of quotas, 20-hour shifts, and energy tubes give you a bad feeling about this age you have stumbled into. But you have more pressing matters your guide paul seems ready to believe that you are returned gods and is looking for answers you may not be able to give and just outside the prison cell you found him in a red flashing silver beeper promises the arrival of of more guards any second now. If we stay very quiet, then I think they'll just leave and everything will be fine. Okay, the guards haven't arrived yet. The beeper you threw out about ten minutes ago.

Maybe we kick it further down the hall? It's such a dragon friend solution. I'm going to run out and kick it further down the hall. Wait, so they haven't showed up. It was ten minutes and they didn't show up? No, no, I'm saying that run out and kick it further down the hall. Wait, so they haven't shown up. It was 10 minutes and they didn't show up? No, no, I'm saying that it has, yeah, I guess it's been about 10 minutes. Is there a toilet nearby, Dave? No, there doesn't seem to be one.

There was the closet that you were in. There are lifts at the end of the corridor. The corridor is stretched in a long direction and there are small cells. All of the doors closed except the one that you've come into, which presumably have more of these people on energy tubes. What about instead of kicking the beeper down the corridor, we kick ourselves down the corridor

and escape? Great idea. Let's get out of here. You're leaving Paul, who has just now seen the light and believes that the gods have returned? Who's Paul? Let's go! Are you kidding me? Here I go with this Paul guy. Who's Paul? Let's go. Are you kidding me? Here we go with this Paul guy. Who's this Paul guy?

If you want us to hang out with an NPC, Dave, give us Ben. I didn't name him Paul. I didn't name him Paul. I didn't name him Paul. That's a fucking Ben Jenkins original. Just feels like, hey, stay. Well, Ben, same criticism. Stay.

The dragon friends leave. It's Paul. You haven't heard my last name yet. What's your last name before we go? Jones. Slam goes the door as the Dragon Friends race. Paul Jones III or anything or just Paul Jones?

There's nothing. I'm Paul Jones. My middle name's my middle name's Is it fire? Is it dragon? Is it something cool? Do you know I can't think of a fucking name? My middle name's... Is it fire? Is it dragon? Is it something cool? No, it's... Do you know I can't think of a fucking name? Like, I can't even think of it all.

You just have all the creativity juice on Paul Jones? I did. I'm a hoss. All right. Slam goes to door as a well-thought-out NBC that me and Ben have literally had a 20 minute conversation about today. As the dragon friends race away in the opposite direction of the beeps. Hitting around the corridor, skidding around the side.

You see just how long this corridor is. As you hear the ding of the lifts on the other side start to open. But you are sprinting and sprinting. And on the far end of the corridor, you can see a door with a window and what seems to be stairs. Okay, I'm going to throw the beeper into the elevator. No, aren't we going to get into the elevator? No, we're going to take the stairs. Oh, okay, cool, cool, cool.

So I throw the beeper into the elevator and we take the stairs. Yeah. So you're going to wait for the elevator that's coming up towards the beeper to open? You said it just did. Yeah, and I said you were heading in the opposite direction, but you want to wait for the elevator to open? No, let's just go up the stairs. Okay. I misunderstood.

Nobody called the elevator. This is the point I was going to make. I'm going to stomp on the beeper and then run. Okay. Make for me a strength check. Happy to. You got your character sheet open there, sport? Yes, I do. Thank you very much. I'm a very strong orc, and I'm just happy to tell you that I've got your character sheet open there, sport? Yes, I do. Thank you very

much. I'm a very strong orc and I'm just happy to tell you that I've got 15. Okay. You hit it. It doesn't seem to destroy the beeper and then giving up, you kick it against the elevator. It dings twice and you run, as I said, and find these stairs. Alright, to the stairs! Alright. You said you wanted to go up, is that right?

Well, it's, I mean, it's just up or down. That's the option. Yeah, it has... The stairs, generally. Very strong fire escape energy. It's got like... Yeah, does anyone have a preference? I said up, but, you know, happy to do,

happy to go down if you'd rather. Chinese freezer is very collaborative. I feel like we want to go to the outside, outside to see what's outside. Are we underground now, or are we above ground now? Oh, wow. Dave said there's a window. There was a window into the stairwell, but okay, fine.

No, I'll say that there's also a window outside. There's a locked door with a window outside, and you can see that the horizon of the Forgotten Realms reaching out in front of you. It seems smog-choked. You seem to be quite high up. All right, let's go down there. All right. So you race up, racing down the stairwell. And for a while, no one says anything

as you realize just how many stories you are clearing. You are quite high up. Is the banister slideable? Great question. It's a fire escape. So yes, for, I would say, approximately three meters. For safety reasons, it is slide down. So it's like... OK, well, Bobby's doing that. As I said, nobody really says anything in the noise.

Can I do a dexterity check just to see if I can ground it myself? Oh, that's good. I mean, you want to. If you want this entire fucking episode to be in this stairwell. Yes. Dave, I would also like to take a dexterity check to slide down the round. So I'm just going... Okay, what do I have?

I've got acrobatics as well. Here we go. Oh, 16. Pretty spicy for me. The two of you are sliding down the stairwells slightly, modestly faster than it would take to run down the stairs. Okay, so we split the party because we're going a lot faster. That's true, Dave. I said you're not going a lot faster,

but you're going moderately faster. So, yeah, you're about a floor ahead of the rest of them. And as I said... A whole floor? Well, I better get on this banner, Stark. All right, Phil's going to do a dexterity check. All right,. All right, Phil, just go do a dexterity check. All right, one sec. Dave, just go do a dexterity check.

You don't need to do this. Will a five? As I said, moving moderately fast down the stairwells. Moving much faster down the stairwell is Filch, who starts falling down the stairs, head over ass, taking, let's say, how much damage, Filge, do you take? You fall down two flights of stairs, taking eight points, hit points worth of damage. As you travel quickly down a large amount of stairs in succession at every single floor. You can see another one of these doors leading into a long corridor and Bobby you can't help but try to sort of count the stairs as you

go each of them with what looks like hundreds of these tube rooms as you go down five then ten then fifteen stories and all of you are very out of breath but nobody else comes in and finally you arrive at a door that is locked but is what you and what you presume is the ground floor of whatever building this is knock it down velge i'm gonna try the handle first he said it was locked nilan i did say it was locked and it is locked yeah i go to 24 to all right bobby quickly picks the lock and the door springs open to reveal a wafting of smog that comes straight into the room as all of you suddenly find your mouths filled with a kind of unpleasant Icarus smoke. The atmosphere here is very, very heavy and cloying and has a strange taste to it, an almost acidic bite. But it's not poisonous. As you step into that smog, you find yourselves in a long, narrow street of what looks like tenement buildings all around you.

It's a large highway of what is obviously a very populous city. And yet these streets are noticeably completely empty. What kind of building did we just step out of? You turn around and look, and it's this kind of incredibly brutalist, long, tall skyscraper. It's built out of the edifice of what is still recognisably the Balinox, the old mountains of Barovia, although this is no Barovia that you've ever seen before. You're saying your grandpappy's Barovia.

So it's built out of the mountain. Yes, that's right. It's being held up by the mountain. And can we see, like, in the distance, I know it's foggy, but is there, like, any big buildings? Like, any spires or anything? For me, a perception check. Time to do some perception.

Spicy Novo. me a perception check oh time to do some perception uh spicy novel so fast on it's very strange and unfamiliar and you don't recognize it you find yourself getting a sense of vertigo from the height of the towers but your gaze does look up at one thing that even at a perception of nine you can't miss which is is that above the horizon, shrouded in smog, there is a shape of something in the distance hanging in the air, what looks like an inverted pyramid silhouette. sweeping light burns out from it. You get the sensation of a sweeping floodlight before it disappears again, as if the thing is a lighthouse slowly revolving. And again, you are shrouded in smoke and darkness. And at that moment, a blasting whistle peels out and the doors to the side of the fire escape of the building open moments later and streams of dirty exhausted looking people begin to stream out as in the tenements around you soon others start to stream out onto the street some of them heading down the boulevard others going into the building that you have just exited passing you

and not seeming to notice you so focused are they on their own work and to be honest, exhaustion. I think Cassus is in that big upside-down pyramid. Well, do we want to go there to kill him, I guess? So this is suspended in the sky, as I said, hundreds of miles above the city. I think we should maybe go into one of these homes

and see if we could get some information, maybe? Yeah, but we've got to remember, Filch, we're famous here. Okay, if we talk to any more normies, they're going to freak out. Is anyone recognising us, Dave? No, people aren't looking at us at all. No, but you haven't tried to get their attention. Right now they're just walking on their jobs,

but if you want to grab someone, you can. There are tenements nearby. As I said, this is clearly a sort of a highway leading into the city, and you can see that there are bigger structures. In fact, there is a large structure at the end of the street that some people are going into, and there are other bigger structures around the city centre. Is there anything that looks like a shop, Dave?

Make for me another perception check. Perception. Perception. Perception. I got a eight. An eight. Not that you can tell here. This looks like a residential area. But like I said, it looks like the rest of the city is if you follow the road.

And there are tenements around you if you want to go into any of that. Let's walk down to the city then. Let's go into town. You know what? Let's do it. Let's do it. Guys, just while we... Let's think back to what city then. Let's go into town. You know what? Let's do it. Let's do it. Guys, just let's think back to what we know about the Nethereids. They live in the sky.

Yep. So they're going to not be down here. They're going to be somewhere else. They're going to... And if we really want to keep our options open, we need to find a time-travelling stone to get back if we need to. Yes. Which I think we definitely do.

Right. a time-travelling stone to get back if we need to. Yes. Which I think we definitely do. So I think we need to kind of look to the skies. Right. But maybe shop will have time-travelling stone to buy. Okay, so you're starting to walk towards the main city centre, is that right? Yeah. And in a generally kind of tending towards the big pyramid. Trying to get underneath it.

Okay, great. So you make your way into this is a large big city bigger than water deep uh it seems and much bigger it has to be said than for the amount of people that you see even now on the streets at whatever is happening the streets are very empty um everywhere it kind of has this kind of feeble exhausted quality to it as you make your way further and further in you start um to see bigger and bigger buildings as you sort of get to the heart of whatever this is uh there's like what looks like a kind of um what was once obviously a beautiful sandstone university now very decrepit and covered

in the same icarus grime as everything else and you can see now that there are ziggurats as well popping up um on the horizon all around you as these tenements begin to thin out. When you say Icarus grime, are you talking like caked in wax and feathers? Yeah, it's waxy. No, it's waxy. The smog that you were breathing in

gives everything a sort of greasy feel to it, like it's got a thin layer of wax, and in fact everything has a sort of yellowish sheen to it that's quite unpleasant. They're using the people's they're using the people's like goo to make their power right there was a kind of red goo that they were pulling out of people in the building that you came out of that's right and now actually there are starting to be a few shops as well you can see that they're kind of they look like very sort of humble things. There's a shop for grocers, for instance,

you pass that has what looks like very unpleasant bread laying again out in the smog, looking waxy and damp. Is there like a tourism bureau, Dave, that we can see? Is there a tourism bureau? Yeah, like a big eye? Yeah, like a visitor's centre. Well, I said there was a kind of, there was a university which would have a sort of a foyer. I don't know that there is a tourism centre, but...

Well, where do travellers go when they come here? Probably to some... Probably to, like, the information booth? Is that what you think? In D&D, is that what you think people go to? Well, I don't. I mean, the fantasy information booth. Maybe it's a...

A tavern? Yeah. I mean, do they have maps and things? There is actually a kind of... You actually see that there is a basement building. It's actually just steps leading down off street level that has a sign that has what looks like a jar with a toothpick and an olive in it on the sign.

Should we go for... Maybe we'll go ask for some information at the tavern? I could do with a drink. Okay, let's, we barge on into the toothpick and olive, Dave. Okay, you head into, heading downstairs,

downstairs, downstairs, into what was clearly once a root cellar, but somebody has made an effort to try and make it look a little bit more homey in a way that really

only makes it sadder. Somebody, there's a bar there, there's some really depressing posters, and there is a figure with a filthy cloth in a way that really only makes it sadder. There's a bar there, there's some really depressing posters, and there is a figure with a filthy cloth who's trying to polish this grime off the bar, although it's obviously a completely Sisyphean task,

while there are also a bunch of these very exhausted people in jumpsuits sitting in a corner nursing small jars. I walk up to the bar. Great. I say to the bar. Great. I say to the barkeep, uh, hello, what have you got there? Some glasses you're polishing? That's cool, isn't it?

Doing some glass polishing, are we? And Phil's leaving and says, we from out of town. That gets his attention. That gets his attention. That gets his attention. He looks up and he makes eye contact with you immediately. You're what?

We tourists. We're tourists. We're here to see the sights, spend our dollars. Get a brochure, take it home, put it in a drawer. Do you sell a commitment of teaspoons? And he kind of looks at the four of you. His name is Belton, by the way. Before bed gets in, his name is fucking Belton.

Belton Jones. Not Belton John? No, because that would be interesting. He's not your brother Paul. He actually kind of like looks at you guys properly and kind of does a double take and leans in and says, you lot dressed like that, are you cruising to get yourself beaten up in this place?

No, no, we're not cruising for anything except fun times and the sights and sounds of Barovia. Well, I'd say that what you want to do is get yourself some new clothes because a lot of people won't be taking kindly to how you're dressed. Why I don't like our clothes. One of the other figures looks up at the two of Filch. These are one of the three figures that are quite well muscular, looking as

exhausted as everyone else but they're clearly laborers and they clearly have some weight on them and says yeah you best watch yourselves friends this here this is this is bastonic territory you understand that right your little your little looks aren't so appreciated friends i'm I am so fascinated to find out where that accent is from. What? This accent? Yeah. I went to an international school, okay? Did you? Yes. Did you? Yeah, I had an Irish teacher.

My dad's American and I was raised by a fairy, so obviously there's some shit going on. Anyway. Hey, you leave Tim Smith out of this, all right? You don't bully my good friend, Tim James Smith. Go back to my jar of piss, thank you very much.

We're a simple bar with simple piss jars. We don't go in for any of the religious nut stuff. So why don't you freaks take your business elsewhere and we can all have a lovely day. Before we go, that gentleman said this was bastonic territory. And I don't think he's going to take particularly kindly to you dressing like that. Like baston? Well, don't forget, they're dressed in jumpsuits.

But baston, obviously, your hair and stuff is still tied in the kind of rings and silks that you've been tying it in since you got your new glow-up, and all of this, you know, your same accessories underneath. Yeah, the way you've made yourselves up, all right? I don't know if you're off to a convention or off to some sort of church retreat, but the Bastonavites don't take kindly to representations of the god of love and sadness.

So why don't you all just push off? Wait, I love Baston. And I just want to worship at the temple of love and sadness. And us being from out of town, we don't know where the local temple is. And we'd just love to go. If that's the case, you'll want to go to the Basilica of Beauty and Sadness. And he takes a coaster and he scrolls directions at you, still suspicious, but keen to get you out of here if that's where you want to go.

Well, thank you so much, friend. Yeah. May love and sadness always be with you all right all right that's enough of that okay so you have a little coaster with them with map directions is there anyone else want to do anything while you're in here oh i'm happy to follow along to the to the basilica if you want to go there let's check it out why not just be clear is everyone wearing the same jumpsuits as we are yeah i think we got them yeah last yeah everyone's wearing these everyone here seems to wear these jumpsuits.

Now, remember, the security guard that you saw wasn't. He was wearing a cobalt blue uniform with silver epaulets, but everybody else is wearing these drab, featureless jumpsuits with the apertures on the back. These guys are no exception. Even the bartender is wearing one. But he took exception to us nonetheless. Because our faces are the faces of the gods.

That's what they meant. Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Okay, so you're going to head out. The directions show it's not too far from here. It's about a five-minute walk. All right, let's go check out the basilica. Yeah, let's go to this basilica. The streets are noticeably empty now.

Whatever shift change was happening has happened, and you're feeling very exposed. So you're just taking the main streets? Are there any sunglasses shops? There is small there's it's not a shop which is why i didn't mention it but there's a stand there's sunglasses we said yeah there's a sunglass it's called liz thompson's sunglass shop yeah um sure absolutely why not there's a stand where you can buy all manner of eyewear and accessories of that nature. Maybe would be smart for a disguise. Wear sunglasses. And then can I ask you a question? In the general populace, are they all human?

Or are they like, are there orcs and halflings? It seems much more human centcentric than it should be. Waterdeep is a much more cosmopolitan place than this. You have seen a few elves. You've seen one other orc on the streets. But again, after the grime and the smog, everyone is sort of kind of beaten down in a way that makes them all look very monotonous and similar.

And also, it is majority humanity. The real question is, do we all get individual styles or matching pairs? Okay, let her on that day after you've gotten your bullshit. Welcome to the show! No! Is Liz Thompson here? Ah, Liz Thompson! Oh, of

the famous Sunglass Hut. How are you? Oh, I'm... My word. No, it can't be. No, it's not. Don't worry. I just look a lot like him. Oh, yes, well, of course.

Sorry, I'm a Frieza knight from that quarter, so I... She actually doesn't say that just like that. She says that, first of all, she looks around, leans in and whispers this to you, Frieza. Hmm. Well, I guess you won't mind then if I thieve some of these sunglasses. That is a funny one, but now I will need some credits. Credits, eh? Do we have money?

We've got heaps of gold. We've got 400 gold each. Yeah, but this gold obviously was from 1,000 years ago. Do you want to use some of it? She's asking for credits. Yeah, let's try it. Do you want to put some gold on the counter? Yeah, let's do it.

All right, you drop some coins on the counter and in the midst of all of the grime, the shine of them is brilliant and her eyes widen. Oh my goodness. Well, please take what you need. So she gives you all, I assume, some glasses. If anyone wants a hat, she's got some cheap-looking fedoras to sell, some scarves.

I think hats and fedoras. Fedoras and wayfarers are really the look that we... For the cohesion, you know? What about, like, a Jackie O kind of look? Like a pillbox hat? A headscarf for Phil? No, like, you know, like the scarf and the round... Is a Jackie O kind of look? Like a pillbox hat? Like a headscarf for Phil. No, like the scarf and the round... Is that Jackie O?

Yeah, just in case we're driving in a convertible. I feel like Dragon Friends, we've done this fedora look before, and I feel like it's time for us for a new timeline, new look. All right, probably... If at least two of us do it, it could be like a blue dress. Oh, that's fun Probably just I want

Can I get a silk jacket with a scorpion on the back? And a toothpick And a toothpick and the driver's gloves with the knuckles cut out You absolutely can't get alterations But weirdly that jacket is there So She's got one of them You all spend about 20 gold coins

And with your disguises in hand you make your way further just off the city center and one building is stands out amongst all of the sort of tawdry grime of the place which is a beautiful basilica multi-stored uh it's kind of a wafting of perfume hits your senses before you even reach to it and the sun piercing through the smog is translated into beautiful colour as it cuts through these glorious stained glass windows illuminating a promenade in front of this giant church

obviously made by a master architect in front of a fountain which as you stand before it, erupts as a beautiful cascade of light, music, water, and yes, doves emerge as a statue slowly revolves up of Bastogne Andrirovich pointing, saluting to the sun and smiling as the light hits him. And this is the Basilica of Love and Sadness, of Beauty and Sadness.

Wow. How do you feel, Baston? Like, looking at this giant statue of you? I was thinking at first a bit much, but then I thought, just right. What would you rate it out of a 10? Well, if it's my temple, it's got to be an 11, baby. That's what I said. Well, there are. Wearing

monk outfits that are reminiscent of the clothes that Bastogne wore a thousand years ago in the courts of Valinor, there are young junior acolytes and monks, all of them phenomenally good-looking people, it has to be said, handing out bread to some petitioners and walking,

feeding, feeding the doves, manicuring these immaculate lawns. And one figure turns and sees the four of you, assuming you to be pilgrims, a stern but beautiful and imperious looking woman with alabaster skin in a white dress in the same style as the rest of them and a heavy medallion. And she turns and walks towards you. You look weary. Have you heard the news?

He is the best. Sorry, a stern, but stern, attractive woman with alabaster skin. Is that the spokesperson for Chompums? That's an incredibly symmetrical face I recognize you from the Chompums packet This is obviously not Tilda Swinton but as she is obviously

there is a resemblance there I get this a lot We are sworn by the way of the eleven to eschew all commercial and saturated goods. But yes, I am

aware of the product you call chompums or because of some confusion in the famous ad campaign Cubums. Now this woman is nine sister Missonia and she is the abbess of the Basilica.

Oh wow. We get many pilgrims for the way of the eleven and she turns to Bastogne. I see you have already walked in the footsteps. Yea, verily. We are pilgrims from afar who heard upon the wind that he was the best and thought it true.

And thus we have come here to worship at this temple. Well, all are welcome except those that are a little... Now, make for me quickly a persuasion check. Or is it a deception check? I'll let you do either one, whichever one you want. You're not really being deceitful, necessarily. Uh-oh. This one, let's do a little more Spanish lesson.

Cinco. Five? You got a little five? Cinco is... She looks towards you and then she very carefully takes the fedora off your head and the glasses with trembling hands as she looks at you properly for the first time. No, it cannot be. And then she looks really close, like really close in your face and then falls to her knees. falls to her knees and then like in a in a kind of exalted cry she says he has returned even more splendid and handsome than our most fine artisans could ever hope to render and the others everybody gather around every acolyte stops what they're doing and turns and looks as there's a murmur

in the crowd as they all form around slowly at baston's feet the rest of you it has to be said slightly off to the side a little bit ignored and as you said every as you said everybody gather around one of them says he speaks today is the dawning of a new age of love and then somebody's like does anybody have any paper does anybody is anybody writing this down? You return. Does that mean that the energy crisis is over, oh Lord? Will you lead us to salvation? Will you help us destroy the foul Frisomites? Yes.

Hang on a minute. Okay, well maybe let's go inside and you can catch me up. We can catch each other up on what's going on. Yeah, let's talk about that nice line sister missonia goes of course the lord must be tired but he will give a sermon tonight i promise that all of you return after the shift and he will give us all a sermon please this way and she takes you into her quarters yay verily you are all the best uh as well yeah and a and a hushed sort of like...

Well, she moves first of all to shut the door as Friezo, Filge and Bobby are about to try and step in. Oh, these are my disciples. You have your disciples, a half-orc, a wizard, a half-orc, a warlock and a halfling. Is this some jest of the Bastonites? Absolutely, yes. You did it because it...

We've not forgotten... You did it because it's funny? Yeah, it's kind of a thing. It's like, oh, I want it. It's kind of a mirror. It's an echo. It's intertextual. That's what it is.

I don't presume to know the mind of the Lord, and I apologize for querying your retinue, your entourage. What shall we do with them? We love that Baston so damn bad, even though we look like the other gods which is crazy. We love him so

much because he is the best and he is the best out of all the gods. So that's why we're here and do you have some food as you say there's a statue as prior to her side says it says their races are unfortunate um systemist ninth system misonia they obviously it's a bit awkward for us to have um humans halflings and and or here, especially when the other religions have amassed so much power in the city. It suggests a weakness

at the heart of our faith that will cause a crisis of confidence amongst the cardinals. She ever shut up? Poor. Fear not. I will allay all of any crises of confidence with my supreme greatness. Relax. Take a chill pill. Take a chill pill. Take a chill pill. And then that kind of like telephones all the way through.

And people start exalting it and shouting it in the streets. So she shouted it out the door of her office? Yeah, she did. There's a little chain of people. Here, do you have some chambers we might speak privately in Abbes? Well, I have better than chambers. We have the room prepared for this.

It's many treated as ceremonial and figurative, but we keep a room in the basilica for the day of your return. Well, let's go check it out. Right this way. So she takes you and she leads you down some steps into a beautifully appointed room. There's a huge portrait of Bastogne, drawn by somebody who understands the concept of Bastogne,

but never saw baston so it's very much um it's more symbolic than accurate and there is a large huge bed uh four poster bed and a little wash basin cloths and things and a very well-appointed wardrobe and as as we're walking along i talk to the abbess be like, well, I've got the three of them with me because it's kind of like a military recreation thing, you know, where you want to be just the veris militude, this kind of thing, with Bastan. Of course.

Obviously, walked with the dragon friends and, you know, you get it, right? You get it. the dragon friends and you get it, right? Can I say that to behold the god, the virgin god with mine own eyes

to behold this pure unblemished virginal god which we have carried on in the Bastionettes we are all sworn to celibacy as you were in life. It is such a great honor, such a privilege. He who kept himself pure that we might keep ourselves pure also.

He who was always and shall always be a virgin. He who never fucked. Not once. Right. Not once. Right. About that. Yeah, that was definitely deliberate. Yeah, good job. Good job for doing that

as well. Bastionettes, that's catchy as well. That's a really good name for you guys. Sister Missonia, the trouble with the Trollers, the new tithes, we need to deliberate. And this is the little friar again. Shall we leave the god and his disciples here? You will return for the great sermon?

No, I would like to... I'm a... The thing you didn't hear about me as a god is I am a micromanager. So I would love to hear... You have a solution for the trollers' tithes? Well, look, hit me with it and I'll see what I can get to that. Summon the cardinals. Summon the cardinals.

We shall have the meeting here. Okay, great. And six other cardinals, all very statuesque and beautiful, all come in and they all look, as I said, tranquil and beautiful, but all of them have a sort of deep concern. They radiate obviously anxious energy as they are quickly filled in All of them have a sort of deep concern. They radiate obviously anxious energy as they are quickly filled in. And the friar, whose name is Bedford, quickly fills them in and then summarizes for you the problem, which is, so as you must understand, the four churches that were created equally in our city were always granted autonomy.

We would offer our services to the faithful as the controller would enjoy his power over us from Nether and safeguard us for the day that you might come again. But the trollers are demanding more and more from us. Our coffers are bled dry, and already one of the four churches has been outlawed as this new insane mania of reason has taken hold of the Controllers' men. And who controls the Controllers? And as you say that all of the cardinals look

and they make a warning sign of an 11 with crossed hands and they look away and they say, and one of them points out a window at the pyramid that floats in the sky. Right. And you're all virgins? As your teachings command, yes. Right.

I just wanted to check that none of you were doing it. That would be against the rules. My rules, obviously. But now that you're here, we will forbid the trollers to ransack our coffers. Now that you are here, we will take a stand. The church will help the people rise up. Yes. Yes.

Yes. All in good time. But which church has fallen? The darkest of all. That's one of them spits and says, he who shall not be named for his deeds were so blasphemous as to break apart the unity of our concord.

Well, I'm going to need more information than that. I've just come back from heaven is where I was. You visited us from heaven? What's heaven like? Yeah, I've come back. And you know how good heaven is like? Yeah, I've come back. And you know how good heaven is. The fact that I've come back, think about that. Our religion has such little information about the afterlife.

Well, it's great. It's great, she calls out from the office again. And what of the war with the Frisomites? Oh, so you understand then that they were banished, that they were banished underneath. You see, their crime of theft has been outlawed in the city, and so now their religion is forbidden. It is said that they have amassed great power

amongst the hopeless downtrodden underneath the city. Oh, I see. What about the Hilljoes, though? How are they all going? Oh, the rock people? They're harmless. They're harmless kooks. Oh. Yes, no, our relationship They're harmless. They're harmless kooks. Oh.

Yes, no, our relationship with the Shrine of the Big Rock endures for now. And what about the other ones? What do they get called? Like Pancake Catholics? Ah, the Redoubtable? Yes, well, the House of Pancakes is... I mean, of course, it's the church of Reformed Pancake-ian now. Since the schism.

I beg your pardon? The slicing? Reformed Pancake-ians, yes. No, they have their own religion. Terribly open-minded, and there's nothing wrong with that. We are on good terms with both the Shrine of the Big Rock and the House of Pancakes. But it is forbidden to fraternize with the Frisomites, and we cannot

do it. Unless your arrival changes everything. And yea, it may. The great lord equivocates. Yes, it will. It will. I just need to have a tiny little lie down first. Sorry, is this Bastod or Eden talking now? Because it really feels like for the last 15 minutes, Eden's just been like treading water.

Versonia realizes that you are tired and she ushers all of her cardinals out and goes to close the door on the room. Before she does, she piques her head in one last time. Don't make any decisions without me. I just want you to know that I'm in charge now. Everything's going to be great. She tells you that they will begin the process of refusing the Trollers access to their money.

And making entreaties with the Frisomites. But making these changes is going to bring the wrath of the Controllers down upon them. And she looks forward to your sermon. With that, she closes the door. Wowie zowie. So are we in there with Baston? They were sort of led away from us, right? Yep.

So you've got the room to yourselves now. You did a really good job considering. Hey, thank you. That was a really big shock to me. That was a huge shock. I mean, looking back, I shouldn't be surprised, really. It all makes sense. But, you know, it's just, it hit me. That was a huge shock. I mean, looking back, I shouldn't be surprised, really. It all makes sense, but, you know, it just hit me.

I'm really popular. So, what are you going to do tonight? Well, I think I might start with probably, well, I think lighting is really the thing to consider. No, no, no. I mean, what are you going to do when they ask you how to end a millennia-long war?

With the Frisomites or with the Bonkadonkers? The Trollers. She called them the Trollers. Yes. The Trollers. Sounds like my people and your people are at odds, Friso. Yeah. Which doesn't sound like us.

No. people are at odds yeah freezer yeah which does that doesn't sound like us no but i mean i would happily turn on my people for the right price well the price that i'm offering is friendship it's not really what i want so not an ecumenical conclave we're not we're not doing that i think we just need to look i don't like this future. I think we should go find another one of those time travel stones. But maybe we can get your acolytes to somehow take us to that pyramid in the sky. Why doesn't... I'm just curious, why doesn't Frieza like this future?

What about this doesn't mesh for him? Wouldn't he love to... Isn't he finally achieved what he's always wanted, to be a god? What, an underground religion? An underground religion. Oh, is it that you're not a fancy enough god? You think this is good enough for me? What are you?

Friso's high Anglican or bust. There's no smells and bells with a low religion. You know what I mean? there's no smells and bells with with a with a low religion you know what i mean like friso's like an alt rock band who just can't understand why he can't crack the mainstream yeah he saw the statue and was like no this is the moment where i realize i don't want this it's not me i hate it and so if you can imagine for a second a camera slowly tracking out of a small beautifully appointed subterranean room where underneath a giant portrait of a handsome man an equally handsome man and his three compatriots stand they have a decision to make for it seems that fate

has dealt them a crooked hand gods of this world and yet this world seems filled with rack and ruin and if it is theirs to save as literal saviors they must decide if they want to keep it or find a way to escape it dooming those penitent denizens to their lot such are the choices of gods so heavy is the head that hangs in pursuit of justice and such is the way of the Dragon Friends. Thank you. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing.

Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and post accompaniment by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded from our homes in this hopefully brief reprisal of the Age of Isolation. Until next time. Friendship is forever.

Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. I simply love to play Dungeons & Dragons.