Dragon Friends - #7.11. Recalibration on the Coolness

Episode Date: August 13, 2021

The Dragon Friends are left stumbling through an age of their own creation, dealing with great faiths that see them as Gods. However, they may soon find that their religions take too closely to them after all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Guys, can I just say that I didn't think that it could get any grimmer than recording a Dungeons & Dragons podcast in my car, but I just discovered that I'm sitting on a Krusket, so... Oh, bonus! Friendship is forever, friendship never ends, it doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend! A fucking dragon friend! The Dragon Friends The fucking Dragon Friends Strange gods and monsters seem to haunt the ruined tenements of this third age of order. Legends of the Dragon Friends run deep here, and it seems that cults and religions have sprung up in your likenesses, wracked by schism, doubt, and existential anxiety.

It does, however, have its perks, and you have found food, succor, and comfort at the Basilica of Beauty and Sadness, a monumental shrine to the purity of Bastogne in Driravich. Now, the abbess here, Nine Sister Mysonia, has told you that the four faiths are wracked in conflict, but ultimately under the thumb of a force known only as the controller who rules on high in an inverted floating pyramid called Never. This has to be Karsus, now ruler of Netheril, the one true empire that rose and never fell. Under his immortal rule the people suffer terribly. This however is not of, your problem. Far more pressing is the fact that without access to another lodestone, you are trapped here with them and with him, and you have yet to locate one thus far.

My Sonia has left you alone to meditate and prepare for tonight's great sermon. All of you are rested. All of you are back at full hit points. And if you want, you are now free at full hit points, and if you want you are now free to head back into town, if you want. So what time of day is it, Dave? Is it afternoon?

It's about, yeah, 3pm. The sermon isn't for another four hours. Mmm, okay. Alright. Boy, my big debut in front of my congregation. Yeah, you felt a little tongue-tied back there. Yeah, I'm going to...

I mean, this is... What would you want a God to say to you? I'd want a God to... Everything I'm doing is right. Yeah, I'd want a God to call me a good boy. All right. So I'll just kind of just say, good job everyone Well, I guess I'd only want that if I was being a good boy

If I was being a bad boy, I'd want God to tell me I'm a bad boy Alright, so I'll kind of come out and be like, all of you who have done a good job good, and those who have done otherwise, I'm very upset with you Yes, that'd be pretty good. I'd like to do some questions

like a Q&A as well with a creator or something, that'd be pretty good. I'd like to do some questions, like a Q&A as well, with a creator or something. That'd be nice. All right. Could you curate that, Friso? Yeah, I mean, we could run through some now, if you'd like, Bastogne. Okay, let's do a rehearsal. Sure.

All right. I've got a question here. Sorry, is Friso like the sort of Annabelle Crabbe at the Sydney Writers' Festival with a deity? Like, is that? I guess so. I thought that this was in the room, but I'm going to say that they're in, like,

some kind of small side chapel now. This has got real kind of debate camp vibes to it. Yeah. This question comes from Elias from The Murder Bluffs. And Elias says... Hello, Elias. And Elias says, Bastogne, why is there suffering in the world? Yay.

Verily. Sorry, there's a part two of the question. Why is there suffering in the world, part two, and why do good things happen to bad people? Ooh. Next question I just don't think that's Who's next?

I just don't think that that's going to be a I just don't think that that's going to be A fulfilling answer For the people asking the questions You know Me got a question Yes you What happens when we die?

Well, I know this one You go to heaven and it is great I killed a man For no reason Just wanted to see the colour of his blood Okay But I'm going to heaven Oh boy Oh, this is awesome I'm going to heaven? Oh, boy.

Oh, this is awesome. I'm going to kill someone else. Wait, wait, wait. There's no consequence? That's when I get a question for you. Oh, Bobby has a question. And I guess Bobby is the only one of us who has probably died. So, Bobby, I imagine your question will be very insightful.

Okay. Here's my question. Where do you get your ideas? Okay, maybe we should just take a walk. While Bastogne is suffering a clear anxiety crisis, actually, Friso, can you very quickly for me make a perception check? I can. I rolled a 12 plus my perception, so 13. 13. You rolled a... What's that? It's a 12 plus my perception. So a 13.

13. You rolled a 1. Oh, no. I rolled a 12 plus 1 is 13. Yeah, so you rolled a 1. No, you rolled a 12. Oh, I understand. I understand what's happening. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. It's called Dungeons and Dragons, Dave. Dave, what I did was I rolled...

Sorry, sorry. Let's just reset for a second. I rolled what's known as a D20. It's a 27. What I rolled on it was the number 12. That means I get sort of, that means I take that number, which is 12, and what I add to it is my perceptions. Sorry. I will not be schooled on D&D by this man.

Now, perception is based on the wisdom track, okay? Fucking hell. If you go to your character sheet, I know as the dm you don't have a character sheet but i you know yeah let's go to your character i'm furious i am character sheet underneath there's like there's like modifiers and something you're proficient in this others you aren't i'm not proficient in um in perception it's just based on wisdom so it's plus one twelve plus one do the simple math it is 13 okay 13 is shit. So you... How is 13 shit? It's a pass.

It's not a pass. Why is it a pass? I choose the DCs. It's not a pass. 13. 10 is like an idiot level one peasant. You got 13. I reckon it was probably a pass about 35 seconds ago, if we're fair.

It's funny how that works, isn't it? It's funny how that works. So you don't know what has happened, but while Bastogne is visibly wilting at the pulpit, you nervously put your hands in your belt and surprise yourself by pulling out a piece of paper that someone has planted on you. Out of my belt?

Yeah, someone has tucked a piece of paper inside your belt, but you didn't see it happen. All right. Does it have anything written on it, Dave? It does, yes, yes. Are you having a little look, showing it to everyone? Yeah, I'll have a little look. What language is it in?

It's written in common. Are you showing it to everyone? I'll read it myself first. Okay. It has a simple sigil of a face with wire-framed glasses and a kind of eldritch symbol underneath it and a strange wand behind it. And underneath it, it says,

Brother, we meet tonight again by the Wolfenkatakom. And then there is a red X symbol. That's all it says on it. I look up to the crew and I look around to see if anyone else is around. Is anyone else around, Dave? Just the others, but they're all paying attention to baston so nobody's noticed yet okay i just i'll just quickly say that i'll quickly just only tell the other dragon friends in sort of a dragon huddle oh yeah no it's just you the cardinals all left oh cool i'll explain to everyone then that i think

i've been contacted by the uh uh the uh free uh The Frieze of Mines. And I'm like, do you think I should? Guys, I think my secret religion has contacted me. Do you think I should go? What do you guys think? What would Friezo do? Well, I'm Friezo and he's asking his friends. That doesn't sound like Friezo.

Well, if I was Friezo at all, no. Well, I just just Do we need Like Baston Would you be upset If I missed your big speech tonight I mean I'm gonna say no But the answer is yes

Okay well no Baston I'll come to your big speech tonight I won't go to my religion But I just want you to know I'm doing this for you And I want you to never forget speech tonight. I won't go to my religion, but I just want you to know I'm doing this for you and I want you to never forget what I've done for you. All right. How do you make nice things sound like threat?

Yeah, why? Freezer. Well, let's do both. I love a clandestine underground meeting. Oh, that's all right. Let's go to your guy. Yeah, we don't want to miss your big speech. But look, I'm thinking about what I'm going to say.

And look, I think it's got to be a message of hope, of reintegration, you know, from what I understand. You know, all of our friendships have been splintered. You know, but we're together. Why shouldn't all our, you know, religions be together in like a big religious orgy of love, you know? Are you suggesting we start a new religion now with us about orgies? No, but I feel like together our religions, it would be more about...

Oh, boy. Oh, I'm freaking out, guys. I'm going to fuck this up for sure. The reality is, guys, that the religions no longer belong to us, okay? They were started 1,000 years ago in our honour, but in that time they've been taken on by the people who run them, and that's not us, and we can try and reclaim them now, or we can leave these people to live their own lives,

and we can focus on what we need to do, which is go back, buy the lodestones, and ruin this empire. This is incredibly mature of you, I've got to say, Friso. I just realised that if we all split and go to our different religions, we're not going to achieve the thing that I want to do. Okay, so as long as we know that you have some ulterior motive,

that makes me feel in a weird, fucked up way more confident. Well, you have a few hours before Bastogne's big sermon, as I said. There's about three or four hours. So if you want, you can head back into the city. There was a couple of things that I think you had noticed. Obviously, you went to that bar. There was a couple of things that I think you had noticed. Obviously, you went to that bar. There was an academic building that you'd seen before. There's the big thing in the sky.

There was the woman, the Frisomite at the Sunglasses Hut. You've got a couple of options. Or you can just go for a little stroll. Do whatever you want. Have a pick. Okay, you know what? I'm going to go to the Frisomites. I'm going to go meet up with the Frisomites.

We can do that now before Bass on Speech, right, Dave? Yeah, yeah, there's time, yeah. All right. Let's go to the Frisomites. I'm going to go meet up with the Frisomites. We can do that now before Basson's speech, right, Dave? Yeah, yeah, there's time, yeah. All right. Let's go to that now, then. Let's go check out the Frisomites. You want us to come? At the Wolfen Catacombs. Yeah, you guys come along.

Why not? If you want to. Okay, so as I said, it's just a name at the moment. So how are you going to find it? What does it say again, Dave? It said by the Wolfen Catacombs, and then there was a drawing of a quite intricate X. Okay, so I might go ask one of the clerics where the Wolfen catacombs are.

Okay, great. You see Nine Sister Mysonia, who's making a lot of preparations for a huge, impromptu mass. You can go approach her if you want. Ah, Sister, how are you there? Ah, very well. What do you got there? Yes.

What do you think? Purple or yellow? Purple or yellow? Purple or yellow? Purple or yellow? Purple or yellow? And she's holding up two flowers. And she's sort of arranging them. Gosh, verily. That's how she's doing it? The abbess? Yeah, well, it's a big do.

And she's a micromanager. You know what I mean? There are people around her going, abbess, you've got to plan the mass. And it has to be perfect. It has to be perfect for him. I guess that's fair. Aesthetics do matter a lot to the Bastinens. I would go with the purple.

The purple looks nice. Yellow it is. We have something in our... We have a saying in our religion, which is when a sub-six says do the opposite. Sub-six. Six Brother Bedford nods very smugly for a man who was really just at the cutoff point.

Hey, do you know where? I need to go to the Wolfencatacombs. Do you know where that is? And why are you asking about the Wolfencatacombs. Do you know where that is? And why are you asking about the Wolfencatacombs? Why do you question my companion? Simply give us a map and do not check back. My lord, I did not see you there. Of course, if the Wolfencatacombs is where you wish to go.

First of all, with advantage, why don't you make a little intimidation check for me, Bastogne? Ooh, yeah. It's got to be quite substantial advantage if she thinks he's her god. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is true. Her creator. However, as you know, Ben, the Wolfenkatacombs are very much outside her purview. 17.

Yeah. I mean, David, I'll be honest with you, I didn't know that. So that's probably why that's probably why i i offered no resistance you didn't you didn't notice i me by which i mean to say my lord that i was so blinded by your radiance that it uh it may as well have been darkness if that makes sense. So where are these Fulfan catacombs? She takes a little map of... Actually, it's a sort of weird map of, you know, plenary indulgent arches and the architecture of the city, which you now see is sprawling around the Balinox

and on the side of it in a beautiful cursive script is the words New Island Are and she makes a little mark on a series of viaducts off the side of the Balinox to the northeast of the city. How many days' walk is this? About 20 minutes. So I guess 0.03. Do you need help with scale?

Is that the issue? There's a little thing down the bottom that shows the scale. Oh, I didn't see the little thing down the bottom. It says 0, 100, 200, but it doesn't say what the unit is. It's feet. It's feet. Brother Bedford is like, sorry, you thought the city was thousands and thousands of miles across.

Now, this is why we don't let fours in. You know what I mean? Thousands of miles across. Now, this is why we don't let fours in. You know what I mean? You know where I come from? Ugly people are actually often smarter. So that's just a little thing about where I'm from.

Kooky. All right, you're leaving? As you go to leave, Brother Bedford, noticing that Baston is leaving with you, goes, but my lord, you will be back for the grand sermon. We have started the process of rejecting the trollers. When they find out that we are not paying our tithes, they will come down on this basilica harshly.

Fear not, I shall return and take care of all that ails this wounded city. He visibly relaxes and breathes out in relief as you all leave. And I assume head to the old Wolfen catacombs? Yes. All right. As you get closer, you start noticing, you get your landings a little bit bobby. You start noticing, it's very strange because obviously this is now a very urban area, you start noticing it's very strange because obviously this is now a very urban area but by the feel of the sunlight and the wind and even a little bit just by the position of the suns and

the relative position of the balinox you realize that you are close to what used to be the old vulvan villages where you trained in what seems like a lifetime ago and near the caves that the vulvan you um built much of their secret sort of training grounds and spaces and hidden spaces under the forest, you can see now that there are large, almost industrial ramps descending into what looks like a maze of old industrial spaces underneath the Balinox. Filthy, with the same Icarus grime as everything else, underneath the Balinox. Filthy with the same Icarus grime as everything else, some of the, well all of the natural beauty of this place kind of completely destroyed and they lead off into the dark and you notice that although there are a few of the people of this, of New Island are walking around, people seem to

be giving these tunnels a wide berth and scrawled on the side in graffiti is the same strange red X mark freezer that you have on your letter. Hmm, OK, well, let's head to that then. You're going to go in? Look, inspect the mark. It's just been graffitied on the side. OK, yeah, let's go in then. All right, so you head down the ramps into the dark

and very quickly it becomes very, very dark. I'll cast my light cantrip there just to illuminate a little bit. Using the magic mirror that you have in your focus from the Laroon siblings, light blossoms out instantly, illuminating the space and making it very obvious from a distance that you guys are descending in, but now you can see very clearly.

It's got a kind of steps down into a subway feel, if that kind of makes sense. Sure, sure, sure. Like steps. Oh, okay, like you go down to a subway. Oh, you guys have seen steps before? You understand what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. I've seen a subway, but

what are those things called, how you get to the subway? They're steps. Those are steps, Alex. It's like a ramp but it's like square. Yeah, it's a bumpy ramp. You ever been down a bumpy ramp? It's like a corrugated ramp. Bump ramp.

Oh, like a ruffles chip. Very much like a ruffles chip. Very much like a ruffles chip. Crinkle cut to absorb more oil. Okay, the industrial shape of these fucking steps soon gives way to natural tunnels as you continue and it seems abandoned. And you can see these are high vaulted roof tunnels

and above you the light of Friso's magic illuminates still the ancient carvings that you recognise, Bobby, as carvings made by Wolfenwarpups before they take their combat trials. They come in here and they mark their names so that the walls never forget and that the tribe never forgets them. And those are still there in the naturally hewn stone

as you work further and further into the Balinox and the city seems to fade away behind you before it opens up into a large cavernous space that you do not recognise that clearly has been excavated recently. And in the middle of it is a stone ziggurat with burning torches on either side of it and a large cavernous archway that leads into a central space.

The air here is increasingly feeling sinister and all of you are getting the sense, although you can't see anyone, that you are being watched. Um, I just shout out, hey, what you got there, secret society? Pretty cool, isn't it? There is silence and then a voice booms out and says, what you got there, friend?

Just a little magic light. Cool. That's all I got. Cool. That's pretty cool. And then there's a shifting noise, as you realise, as an illusion of what was the entryway fades away to reveal a trap that is set into the side of the stonework,

which then opens up as the defences of the ziggurat open and grinds into a portal that you can enter inside. Dave, I think this question is like six years too late, but, you know, I'm in question is like six years too late, but, you know, I'm in my car, so fuck it. What's a ziggurat? Oh, my God, thank you. I've used cigarettes many seasons before.

I've got this, Dave. A ziggurat is just a pyramid, but instead of being smooth, it's got those things on the outside. Oh, like a Dorito. Are you describing like a Dorito? Have you heard of steps? Do you understand like a dorito are you describing like a dorito yeah have you heard of steps do you understand like a ramp but like on edges that's a cigarette it's a crinkle cut pyramid you know usually steps would go down to a subway what if they went up to the top of a thing okay i just presumed he was mispronouncing cigarettes.

It's a fantasy cigarette. So I said that Cyber Tokyo, the horizon was flanked by chrome cigarettes. Yep, yep. Ziggy's in the sky, baby. Flying Barry is the future. The detective parted the parallel binds and lit up a cigarette. The portal seems to be full of a smoky substance that doesn't seem... Yep, that'll be the cigarette. To stop you from entering if you want to.

But there's only space for people to enter one at a time. So one of you is going to have to go in first. I'll go in first. Sure, why not? Okay, Friso, you walk in through the smoke, and as you do, you find yourself in a space whose internal geometry

seems to not correlate to the ziggurat that you saw. It's a large vaulted space with four balconies on either side, and in those balconies, you can see figures silhouetted high above you. Impossible to see them clearly, but there must be dozens of them. As in the center, in a severe white suit, stands another

young man wearing wire-framed glasses with a little goatee as he looks at you. And as he says, welcome, brother, for you are home. Welcome to the temple of cutthroats and bakers as he reaches out a hand towards you and to play friso the 37th larko pontiff of the cult of the frizomites please welcome to the podcast mr tom cardi you've come just at the right time, brother. Oh, have I just? Hello. Of course, of course.

This is quite a special evening, quite a special. You've come alone, obviously. No, I haven't. I've come with my friends. As he says that, Phil just pokes through the smoke, and in a moment later, all of the dragon friends sort of huddle in behind Friso. Now, it's clear that you're a Frisonian, but these people, these things, I'm not exactly sure.

Are they part of the cause? I vouch for them. Okay, well, that's good enough for me. Come on in. You look like me friend. So he's wearing, as I said, a severe white suit. You realise that the beard and stuff is kind kind of reminiscent a copy of a copy of a copy of friso's own uh facial hair and he and the glasses similarly opposed so this is the leader

of their faith the and this entire conversation as i said is being watched your voices carry because of the architecture of the space upwards but nobody else is talking and nobody seems to be protecting this figure. It seems like he can look after himself. Obviously, you're starstruck. Does he kind of look like Tony Stark? Yeah, it's like half Tony Stark, half Friezo. You're obviously very dumbstruck by my incredible facial hair.

Yes, yes. It is the one and the same as the glorious God of Thieves. All praise him. Yes. You can touch it if you'd like. You can try. Oh, try. Please try and touch my face.

Okay. I'll touch your face. Done a little swoop there. King of Secrets. God. It's Thieves actuallyop there. King of Secrets. Oh, God. It's thieves, actually, Tom, but you're doing great. Oh, God, it's hard to play piano. Let me tell you, I swear playing piano and doing this the last time

was a lot easier. I just love to try and touch my face, Gambit. Then just, what, you can't. There's a tittering. There is a high-pitched laugh from all the balconies as he swoops back and he smiles at you. And he goes on to say, Welcome, pilgrim.

We sensed you when you entered the city. You do not know it yet, but you are one of us, and in time you too will learn to serve the secrets of the great Friso. May there always be a Friso. And suddenly voices do ring out as they say, may there always be a Friso. Can I say, Dave, they add, never forget what he did for us. Hey, everyone.

Listen, I've got, thank you all for coming here. Thank you for letting me in. I've got... Thank you all for coming here. Thank you for letting me in. I've got a bit of an announcement to make. So if you could all just listen up for a second. This is quite strange for a newcomer to enter and discuss with everyone, but I'll allow it because there's something about you that's reminiscent of a Friso. Thank you, Your Honour.

I just wanted to let you all know that i'm actually the person you worship so in many ways i'm your god um but don't worry i've been a god before and i've got a lot of experience with it so you know i can't help but feel that your non-interventionist policy on local religion crumpled pretty quickly when you found a physical cult of your being whatever happened to you weren't going to be part of it a man must have a code and in this instance the code is achieve the ends that you want now uh everyone uh so everyone hello is everyone there listening what i need from you is access to a lodestone.

So, can you help us find one, please? The moment you say that, the kind of... And there was a bit of mirth and reverence in the room. Suddenly, it gets incredibly chill. And once you say that you are Friso, the kind of welcoming figure of the Larco pontiff, his expression clouds over and becomes very cryptic as he stares intently at you

and any welcoming trace of a welcoming smile in his face disappears. It takes one thing to pretend to be the Friso, but another thing to speak of the stone. All right, Alright, look look, obviously you need a bit of proof that I'm Friso. Friso number 37 come here. I'm standing right next to you so that's a pretty stupid thing to say.

Friso the 37th whose father was Friso the 36th and so on. Now, Friso lie down on the ground for a second. No, no. Lie down on the ground. No, I won't do that. Am I right in saying that I wouldn't do something like that?

I think you are. I would encourage you to continue practising bodily autonomy, Tom, if you can. This is a strange man who's walked into your temple. I think you don't. Let me prove to you that I'm Friso. Do you want to make a persuasion check? Okay.

How can I persuade him? Yeah. And tell me how you're persuading him. You haven't given any proof yet. You've just told the head of a religion to lie down on the floor in front of you, in front of everybody in his church. I mean, this guy doesn't even walk like a Friso.

Am I right, everyone? Oh, yeah, that's right. doesn't even walk like a Friso. Am I right, everyone? Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, he doesn't walk like a... Hey, by the way, I didn't know that anybody could just get up and sort of say something. That's not... Because when I joined, I sort of had a little thing I wanted... You know what? It's fine. It's not the time.

I got to say, Jeb, we gave you your five minutes and you had everyone's attention and you blew it. OK, well, I didn't blow it. The acoustics were really bad. I don't have a problem with the acoustics. I can hear everything really well. See, exactly. He's all the way up the back as well.

Tim, you're always up the back and you're always sniping. And I hear everything. I hear everything and I see you, Jeb. I see you. Oh, look, if you wanted the role of assistant treasurer, you should have run for it fair and square. But you missed the meeting, didn't you? Sorry.

Guys, just to tap the brakes on this fun little riff we're having here, I know we're all doing... I just think that as we're playing the game, what we need to do is respect the characters we're all playing. And I think if these people are all acolytes of the freezer religion, they're probably a little bit cooler. No, I think we've got their coolness level pretty much bang on. Are you sure?

I don't think we need any recalibration on the coolness. I will say, sorry, I will say that one person says the argument between Jeb and Tim dies down and one person from the darkness says, I killed a dog on the way here. As we all did. Haroo! Never forget what he did for us.

What he did for us. Okay, make a persuasion roll. Dave, I'm going to do a persuasion roll. Don't explain to me how this works. I will come for you. Eleven plus my persuasion, which is

six, so seventeen. Okay. Knowing that he is safe, that the safeguards of his title affords him means that he is protected. B, looking somewhat awkward and trying to regain the room before it descends into farce and chaos. Yeah. He approaches you. Say farts and chaos.

And slowly hiking up his kind of beautiful trousers. And you can see like snake skin shoes. It's a strange look. It's a lot of look. He kneels down in front of you, but he does so with a look of open defiance in his face as he gives you the chance that you're asking for.

No, just for this trick to work you've got to lie down face down. Did you say trick? Yep. Is the 17 going to get down face down. Did you say trick? Yep. Trick. Is the 17 going to get me face down, Dave? And then from the peanut gallery you hear murmurs of trick, trick. But did our Lord not hate magicians?

Yes. He was one against Prestidigitators, of course. I don't think you're going to get him to lie down. All right, fair enough. All right, Dave. I don't think you're going to get him to lie down, but he... All right, fair enough. All right, Dave, I attack him with my nine live stealer sword. And Freeza just yells, that can only be one. And he rolls a...

Oh, shit, I'm not even fucking around. That right there is a natural 20, right? That sucks. And nine... I'm showing it to you in the camera so you don't think I'm fucking around and 9 lives steal a sword so that immediately kills anyone

I know you were very excited to play this character Michael but he was excited to have a bit of a go playing a character it was a bit of fun Tom, Tom, I'm gonna be honest I didn't expect you're on a character it was it was a bit of fun tom tom i'm gonna be honest i didn't expect you're all a 20 it happens so rarely that um but unfortunately like as you know you've just

got to play the dice no i get it i was like i can i tell you i fully intended to do a south african accent when i came on and i i screwed it because i was thinking so much about the scale reedy reedy limbs flailing. He quickly draws his sword and stabs it through the neck of the Larko Pontiff, who is protected, as I said, by formidable magic and engrammatic wards, but none of them as magical as old magic of old Theros as it takes effect, and stabs through his neck as he looks at you in your eyes. And then suddenly a strange expression changes in the Larko pontiff's face. As you see what looks like pain and terror turn into exultation and blessed relief.

As he works his body forward, the sword going deeper and deeper into his neck as the hushed peanut gallery all stare at the murder of their priest as he finally drags himself up towards you, Ping, and whispers into your face, there will always be a Friso and dies on your blade. Okay, well, so now you've all seen me kill Friezo the 37th.

I guess, theoretically, I'm Friezo 38, but in actual fact, I want to remind everyone I'm Friezo number one. I'm here with the other dragon friends. And again, I need your help finding a lodestone. So if you can all get to work doing that that'd be great thank you so much as you say that slowly clapping a figure that looks like quite a tall

figure steps out of the shadow but as he walks towards you you realise it's a trick of the lightning he's actually quite small he's dressed in the universally recognisable outfit of a grand vizier. And he's wearing a black suit.

He's a goblin with large ears as he claps his hands and walks towards you, Frieza, while everybody in the galleries above waits to see what he will do. Hi there. What you got there? A sinister looking face? You need another catchphrase. Surely there's another catchphrase. Why change it now? There's something very familiar,

but it's hard to place about this goblin, I will say. And he's very well put together. Hello, Mr. Goblin. Mrs. Goblin. Don't talk anymore. Why? Well, I'll give you one reason why you shouldn't talk and then we can kind of go from there. We've got guards all up around that gallery with weapons trained on the four of you right now.

Sorry, being very rude here. Haven't introduced myself properly. My name is Gribbets. I am the Vizier. Gribbets! Excuse me? Gribbets! That's what I said, yes. Gribbets, it's us! What? We're the Dragon Friends. It's us.

Remember, I'm Friso. This is Bobby. You know Bobby. Say hello, Bobby. Hi. And Filch. And Gribb-Gribb. Yes, and Bastogne. I'm aware. By the way, he doesn't say he's Gribbets. He says he's Gribbons. And Filch. And Grib Grub. Yes. And Bastard. I'm aware. By the way, he doesn't say he's Gribbets. He says he's Gribbons.

I just realised. No, I think we stand by it. It's an alternate universe. It's a tiny little wrinkle in time made Mrs. Gribbons decide to call him that. He's Gribbets in this world too. Okay. Gribbets, you don't know this. You don't know this, but you're actually our lawyer.

I know you don't feel like our lawyer, but you're actually our lawyer. Yeah, see, I don't buy any of that. I'm not a lawyer. I'm a very, very powerful man in this city and you should speak to me as such. Yeah, no, honestly, honestly, it's a lot to take in but in the real world you're our lawyer i want to point out he's not he's dressed as if it in a kind of vizierish

bureaucratic robes he's not dressed like any of the other frizomites and they're kind of strange white suits and cows instead he's wearing a very severe black suit it has a very non-ecclesiastical look about it. If anything, it's more reminiscent of the uniforms that the guards were wearing that you saw earlier. Now, I'm aware of these names, obviously. Every child in the world is aware of these names. I'm also aware, by the way, of a lot of crazy people who go around claiming to be them.

Now... Totally. I totally get that. Yeah, that's not what this is, though. Okay, sure. That's not what this is. This is real. Sure, yeah. Are you holding a sword through the wracked and dead body of a major head of faith in

the city? Yeah, I guess. Or I'm holding his head or whatever. Yeah. Just something normal. Just something that a crazy person wouldn't do. I know what... Look, look.

No, I know what this looks like. This looks like I'm a... I get it. Yeah. I know what this looks like. This looks like I'm a... I get it. I know what this looks like. Well, it both looks and is bad. It's one of those things that both looks and is bad. Or looks bad but is good.

Think about that. As he says that, he's fiddling with what looks like a wand and he suddenly rotates a part of it and there is a click, almost like a gun being cocked, and you hear a grinding noise behind you as the stone portal grinds close and a tiny wisp of smoke escapes as you are sealed into the tomb and lights shine down on true to his word figures that were concealed in the shadows above you near the galleries each of them holding what looked like wicked repeater crossbows, trained on all of you. Well, quick track and huddle.

Guys. Oh, take your time. Sure. Yeah. I really, guys, I really thought this would go differently, if I'm honest. Phil's just like pushes the head of the other three, so just out of the way. I feel like, I feel like honestly, can honestly, can I speak openly to you guys? I feel like I've really messed up this time.

I honestly thought that if I killed me, that they would really kind of respect that power and that they would come around to our way of thinking, which is that we're gods. And unfortunately what's happened is they're quite mad at me for killing the head of their religion. Well, you know, we don't own religions. You know, these things are a thousand years old.

Yeah, totally. And they don't know us. Like we know each other. They only based on our time when we went back there. They don't know all the stuff we don't. Excuse me, this gas in this cave is very noxious. Now, as I said, the acoustics in this place are bordering on magical. Oh, yeah, okay, fair enough.

It's spiralling up to the balconies of these Frisos who are suddenly seeing what is probably the most interesting inaugural entrant of a new member of the faith that they've ever seen. And another one of the figures pipes up at this point and he goes, It is true. We all saw him slay the Friso.

He does have rights to the title, and a figure of a very old figure on a white suit leans down and says, this is blasphemy. This is our temple, Gribbets. You have no power here. And who are you? Sorry, mate. You didn't introduce yourself.

I am the lawmaster of this temple. My name is not important. Oh, every name important. It's a stupid name. You don't want to hear it. What do you mean? I have as much status as I'm likely to have in this scene now while you don't know

my name. If you hear my name, I'm only going to lose stature. And Gribbets says, oh, old cockfingers, be silent. No, Gribbets. You know the law and you know the lore, he says. Sorry, this is hard because this is spoken. Were you cockfingers? Law with a W?

Were you saying the law with a W and then with an O-R-E. Yeah, it's good. Good shit, huh? Yeah, but it doesn't work out loud. No, but you got it. You got it. Yeah. And now you're making a big deal about it.

It was fine. It doesn't hold up to scrutiny, but whatever. You're absolutely right. This is your show or, I suppose, the show of any motions to the dead body uh but listen do you really want me to go back to my boss and say oh my god there's you know because here's what i'd say here's what i'd say i go to my boss and i'd say you know what uh you know we're really trying very hard with the friezoites uh friezemites sorry i get really muddled up you know uh we're trying to make peace with them.

Probably not worth it. Let's just, you know, be done with them. Is that really, cockfingers, something that you want me to take upstairs? Oh, so wait, you're not part of our group, Gribbets? No, I have to keep a detachment, which is both my job and also my preference. These are a bunch of freaks. And by detachment, and also my men, who are a bunch of freaks. And by detachment, and also my men

who are currently arrayed around you. Huh, okay. What your religion is? Which religion are you, Gribbets? I am unaligned. He's a reasonist. Unaligned? Oh, what, you think you're too good for some gods, huh?

Gribbets is a reasonist, which, yeah, the trollers as well, the age of reason and order. Is he like the Christopher Hitchens of this world? Reasonist, which, yeah, the troller as well. The age of reason and order. Is he like the Christopher Hitchens of this world? Oh, yes. I believe in the flying spaghetti monster, he says in a horrible little voice. He's a 2009 internet atheist. Grimmets, I have an idea.

What about if we waterboard you and you change your mind really quick? That's a deep thought. I have another. Have you not seen the video of Christopher Hitchens being very pro-waterboarding and then being waterboarded and then immediately being very anti-waterboarder? I have a second idea, says Cockfingers. Padre Cockfingers. Padre Cockfingers. We shall hold the Frisomite, the new Friso,

for you. We shall hold him here in the cellars below the catacombs. You can report to your master. But if it is true that they seek the lodestone, then I would think we have a mutual interest in finding out why. Do you not agree, Mr. Gribbets?

Yes, yes, yes. Of course I agree. Now, look. Oh, I'm going to jump in, guys. I've got actually a pretty important point. We should lock them in the catacombs and we will return tomorrow. Honestly, that's not going to work for us. Like, Filch, Bobby, that's really not going to work for us, is it? We've got stuff going on.

I mean, me, anti-religion, but now me getting a little taste of these guys and me gotta say me serious. In fact, Mr. Gribbets. I can't, we can't waste our time here. In fact, Mr. Gribbets, it occurs to me that if they are curious of the lodestone, they may be able to rouse our other guest

to give us a few words about its location. Mr. Banknote has still not spoken for several days. Perhaps we shall place them in the same cell? Oh, yeah, that's good. I like that. That's good because I've got my stuff in the other cell and I didn't want to have to clear it out, you know. Yeah, you have to move that stuff, by the way.

Well, no, we've discussed this. You said you were getting a shipping container organised and you needed a place. I've spoken to Tim about it. I've spoken to... Look, I've spoken... Sorry, Grimace, Grimace, why did you have to move out of your place?

Did you have a breakup? Is that what happened? Well, it's... He had a very bad breakup, yes. It's a separation. It's a sort of... We're just taking some... She doesn't respect him. Do you know just taking some... She doesn't respect him.

The reason she doesn't respect him is because his children don't respect him. That's the fucked up thing. She can sense it. She sees him with the children and she doesn't respect him. All of this, you know what? I don't even want to get into this. Hang on.

Is that how you think adult relationships work? That's how this one works. That's how this one works. Yeah. You know what? He really, he really, you know, I don't even need to explain myself to you guys, but yeah, look, we're going through a bit of a ruff patch.

My kids found out that I was recording a fantasy podcast in my chariot. Ever since then, they couldn't look at me in the eye. All my stuff is in the other cell. All right then, they couldn't look at me in the eye. Look, all my stuff is in the other cell. All right? All my stuff is there. So put them in with banknote. You got rowing machines in there?

Yes, my rowing machine's in there. Oh, and your unicycle? And my vinyls. Both records and my Funko Pop collection. There is a hum and a grinding of granite on granite

as, rearranging itself, some of the balconies shift up, counterweighted by others which shift down, and four of these guards with these bright chrome repeater crossbows arrive. You can see that they are powerful, powerful-looking, three men and an orc, as they indicate for you to follow them down into the catacombs. Can we just quickly, I'm going to do a perception check, Dave, just to see how powerful these people are.

Do they look super powerful? They look... I rolled a 13. I rolled a 15. They look quite powerful, yeah, yeah. And don't forget as well that, critically, Gribbets has, with this wand that he's holding, has sealed you into this place.

Okay, well, I guess we... Can I whisper to Frieza? Frieza, we've got to get to Lodestone. We've got to get in towards the big floating pyramid. Yeah. So if they're interested in us, then we're a little bit closer. Okay, okay, let's go to this... Let's go to this Kennard storage unit then.

No, nobody's going to the storage unit. You're going to the one next door. I want to make that very clear, cockfingers, that that's my stuff. You put them in with the other guy, with the blue fella. And picture, if you will, two cells lying deep underneath the surface of the world. One of them containing the ephemera of a wasted goblin's life, a rowing machine, vinyls, piles upon piles of Funko Pop miniatures, and a pinball machine that doesn't work, that he bought for too much money, that he says he's going

to restore one day, but currently has not. And in the very next cell next to them, the emaciated figure in a ragged shirt and burnt cravat of an aasimar artificer standing stoically, chains connecting his wrists to the bars in front of him, a thousand yard stare in eyes that have been unmoving for a day and a half, grimly waiting. The figure of one known to the dragon friends that even now approach him. It is a different time. It is a different place. It is a different part of the multiverse. And yet fates have a way of colliding that which is meant to collide. Such is the ways of the weave. Such is the ways of the strands and the ebb and flows of fate. And such is the way it the strands and the ebb and flows of fate

and such is the way, it seems inevitably, of the souls that we call the Dragon Friends. Thank you. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Oh. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Griner and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon

with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments and short-lived NPCs by Tom Carde. Shapira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded from our homes in this upsettingly long return to the age of isolation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends.

It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. Should I put my seatbelt on? Should we? If you've got it, strap in. Ben, if you feel that that's going to help, you record this from a car parked outside your house

Is your car in a garage or is your car on the street? My car is on the street And what I really should have done is just Is just move my car somewhere That's not where I live You know what I mean? It's a little quiet You honestly look like a man who's making his last recording

Before he goes to the capital insurrection Someone's going to like The government's not going to tell me what to do I'm doing this for Mo making his last recording before he goes to the capital insurrection. Government's not going to tell me what to do. I'm doing this for Mo. Yeah, this is killdozer stuff. The vest doesn't help. The vest does not help. Yeah, the vest.

It's the vest. Do you still have your fingerless gloves, Ben? It's no good, guys. And the street that I'm on, the street that I live on, is not, like, unbusy. It sort of leads to a lovely park where people sort of like to walk around at night. And so there's a bit of traffic. And I would probably get away with it looking just like a meeting,

but for two things. One, the handheld mic that I have. And two, you can't really see it, but I have a ring light because I didn't want to use my car's light because I didn't want to run down the battery and have to call the NRMA because I was recording a fucking podcast in my car.