Dragon Friends - #7.12. Read the Rune, Guys

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Freezo the 37th is Dead, long Live Freezo the first. The Dragon Friends find themselves once again trapped in a cell faced with charges of a crime they absolutely did commit, but against all odds an ally from their past and present lies in wait for them. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There's four more weeks of lockdown minimum! It can't be less than that! It's going to go for at least four more weeks! Next two episodes are just... Friendship is forever Friendship never ends It doesn't matter what time you're in You're still a dragon friend!

A fucking dragon friend! Few live to tell of the strange sights and fearful symmetries of the temple of cutthroats and bakers that lurks beneath the occupied cobblestones of New Ilanar. Large as it seems from the outside, the complex is impossibly larger on the inside, a gift of the tortured architecture of whatever Friso built it centuries ago. The successive rebirths of the Frisomite Larko pontiffs have formed an unbroken chain back from the arrival of Friso I, who, as the legend said, once went to a cocktail party and was

rude to everyone. And that line, unbroken, has ended here, with blood on the floor of the ziggurat and the Larko pontiff murdered by one who calls himself friso the first now this has put the finest ecclesiastical minds of the temple into something of a quandary that a crime has been committed is obvious but the right sort of crime a friso sort of crime questions such as this are being hotly debated as the dragon friends are marched down down down far, four levels down into a cramped set of prisons below the temple. Mr. Gribbets and his guards depart and the four of you are locked in a cell that is already occupied by an exhausted looking halfling in a natty jacket

and a figure that you saw almost 3,000 non-successive years ago. His face is serene, unchanged in slumber, his clothing style perhaps tending slightly more towards the academic it is the meditating figure of lion shield banknote the halfling looks up as the jailer clanks the cell shut behind you oh gosh um welcome um uh you know there's not there's not a lot i not a lot. I'll give you the bloody grand tour of your new abode. It's just a little joke there. You know, it's a room, so you can't really see. You know, the tour's done.

You know, there's the bed, and there's where we do our pees and poos, and, um, that's the floor. You do your, wait, you do your pees and poos in the bed? No, it's two different, I was pointing at the bed, and then I pointed at where we do our pees and poos, which in bed is... You come in here do your pees and poos in the bed? No, it was two different... I was pointing at the bed, and then I pointed at where we do our pees and poos, which in bed is... You come in here to do pees and poos? No, I live here.

Well, I don't live here, but this is where I have to stay with banknotes. So you're in prison. This is a prison? Yeah. Sorry, I should have started with the obvious. Yes, you're in prison. I think, to be fair to you, Ben, I think it started with the obvious. Yes, you're in prison. I think to be fair to you, Ben, I think it's pretty obviously a prison cell.

There's a jailer outside. You saw yourself be locked up here. We weren't sure. I wasn't sure if... Hello. Sorry about that. I wasn't sure if you were a prisoner or if you worked here or something.

Oh, you don't have to be a prisoner to work here, but it helps. That doesn't make any sense. Sorry. I'm not used to being in jail, you know? What's your name? Yeah, what is your name? Because we didn't talk about this.

My name's Edward. Edward Piss. Edward Piss. That's right. P-I-S-S. There's no E on the end or a funny little sort of P-F thing happening. It's Edward Piss. But please, call me Mr. Piss. Isn't Mr. Piss your father?

My father was a very informal man, and I'm sort of trying to rage against that. It's sort of a rage and placid-like situation. So you're trying to get dignity back in your name by insisting people use Mr. rather than changing any other aspect of your name. Lady, let me tell you something about my father. My father spent his entire life ashamed of the good name piss.

He'd say, oh, no, call me Robert. Call me Robert P, which is funny because P is also, didn't fix anything, you know. I just feel, Ben, sorry, sorry. Can I just have a word? Yeah, sure. Hey, man. Damn huddle.

I just feel, I feel like. Don't mind us. You were very busy this week and we we both acknowledged and you it's very hard obviously you're at young mo and you um i said don't worry i'll do the notes for the adventure i'll come up with all of the events and situations and you love coming up with events and and here's a character for you and he just needs a name and i even gave you a short list of fantasy appropriate names and you said you wanted to call him Mr. Piss. And I said, you can do whatever you want.

Just don't call the character Mr. Piss. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, I mean, I don't know how good the events you've come up with are. So, I mean, like we can have a post-mortem after I've seen your work. You know what I mean? I just feel like you're kind of front-loading a lot of this with Ben hasn't done what I asked. I mean, I don't know if you've done what you said you'd do.

So anyway... Can we get off the Zoom? I feel... So, as I said, other than the figure of E-Piss, who is standing, a natty, exhausted-looking halfling who is sitting on one of those little fold-out, wall-mounted beds next to a bucket that he was pointing at way too much in the previous scene. There is also serenely meditating the figure of Lion Shield Banknet.

Instead of the cravats and purple, obnoxious suits that he's worn before, he's wearing what looks like a tweed jacket with leather patches and in a very tight pair of pants and a very simple tie. And he's sitting in Asimar repose. In quiet reflection, his eyes closed. Dave, am I meant to play this? Because I haven't got any notes on this. No, no, no, no. It's fine.

I can play it. But I just want to know if you want it to be if it's if it's i guess all i want from you hing obviously we the character of mr pierce is standing by with any backstory information that beckner might need to know all you need to bring to the character is a a sense of self that exists beyond the inventory of Friso. So if you can give the character an inner life that exists beyond the immediate demands of your other character. But I think I know what Hing is asking.

Is this the banknote that was friends with the dragon friends or is this a new banknote? No, this is a banknote that has never met the dragon friends. I will tell you now that this lion shield banknote that was friends with the dragon friends or is this a new bank no this is a banknote that has never met the dragon friends i will tell you now that this track this bank line shield bank note has succeeded in his studies and he has gone on to work at one of the few educational institutions available in island r the academy of approved scientists um as a expert in archaeo magica specializing in chronomancy he's researching the forbidden magics of the First Age of the Netherese. And he's doing this with his assistant, Edward Piss. Yes, his attaché.

All right, I can take all this on board. And Dave, just to really flesh out this character, what's my motivation here? Your motivation is to not be killed by Friso and have your stuff immediately taken by Friso. Okay, okay. That's really rule one. Can you do that for me?

Okay, I can do this. The eyes, I guess, snap open. Pipe down there, Mr. Pierce. I'd like to introduce myself to these fine people there. You there, the halfling. What's your name? I'm Bobby Pancakes. Wonderful.

Oh, Bobby Pancakes from the Church of the House of Pancakes. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. And you are Lionchild Banknote. Is Lionchild Banknote. Byline, Lionchild Banknote. How do you know my name? You're a good boy. What? How do you know? I? You're a good boy. What?

How did you know? I'm a scientist. I'm an approved scientist. I study forbidden chronomancy. Don't you know? Is that why you're locked up here in this fetid dungeon? I was locked up here in solidarity with my assistant here, Mr. Piss, who did some publicly nude acts.

Okay, look, I mean, it's a funny joke that he told the boys in the cafeteria, you know, on the first day, but no, the nude acts I did were separate to this incarceration. You know, you go outside... That's not true. No, you go outside and... There was an election that was disputed

here, and Mr. Piss here stormed the Capitol, and everyone else who did it, they weren't arrested because they did it with their clothes on, but he did it and he was nude the whole time and everyone saw his little weenie. Yes, yes, sir. No, you're bang on there, sir. That's exactly why we're locked up.

Everyone saw the little weenie of Mr. Piss. We're locked up because everyone saw Mr. Piss's little weenie and you're here in solidarity because you're a big hero like your father. Not getting into the relative truths of this little divertisement, another reason that the two of them are in here is because of Betrayal by Mr. Gribbets, who had, you had been sent, banknote, to, you were researching a relic of the first age

connected to your specialisation, your area of study, and you were trying to make contact with the cult of the Filgites, the Great Crag. And look, I, you know, and he's, you know, I'm friendly with the Filgites. I'm not a Filgite myself. I'm friendly with them. And, you know, you've got to understand the Daggerford Relic

that, you know, myself, in small part, obviously under the tutelage of Mr. Banknote here, Professor Banknote, sorry. You know, we had made a deal with the field guides for safe passage to Daggerford to retrieve the relic. to retrieve the relic. And yes, there was a certain amount of low-key betrayal by a minor functionary in the government named Gribbets. And so, yes, we are having a small problem here in that we are incarcerated by a bunch of religious lunatics. No offence to the jailer who's there. Hello, Kyle. Oh yeah, sorry.

The quite smiling jailer has not left and is just watching this conversation, I guess. And Kyle's like, oh, no problem at all. We are proper nuts. So yes, that is our current lot. And of course, yes, because of my horrible little weenie. So, does that mean if you're Bobby Pancakes,

then you must be Baston? That's right, and I've got a very important sermon to deliver this evening. So if you don't mind, Kyle, I'd like you to unlock those doors and let us out. Oh, gosh, you know, I'd love to do that. That's such a funny one. You know, people are always saying, you know,

oh, can I get out? You know, it's one of the main things you hear as a prison guard. You know, can I get out? It breaks my heart every time because I've just got to be like, no! You know? I mean, we've asked him many times if we could be let out. He won't let us.

But if you're Bastogne and you're Bobby Camp Pancakes, you must be free, sir. Yes, yes, I am. And that means you, over there, you must be filled. It's an absolute pleasure to meet you, madam. Yeah, because Bang Node is an expert on the first age. So he knows about the Ur myths of all of these religions. He's aware of these characters.

And he's, yeah, I think that's fair enough that he's kind of working out what's happening. Well, Kyle, that's terribly unhelpful. Like I say, I'm sorry, guys. I'd love, you know, if I had a different job that wasn't, you know, keeping people in prison, oh gosh,

I could see it from your perspective. It's a horrible place to be. You've got to do your peas and poos over there. But as it stands, you know, I've got KPIs and it's you know the big one is keep people in the room that they're meant to be in and if i break that oh gosh you won't you won't believe the paperwork dave is it just bars on the like is it a bard like just like straight it's it's rock walls because this is so far underground that the the architecture of the house is given away to just tunnels. Rock walls on three sides. And then very fine bar work, too fine for a halfling to squeeze through.

A huge, large lock. And you can see at Kyle's hip, a big hoop with a few keys. There's about four cells in this area of the prison. It doesn't look like there's much more of the prison. There's Kyle's desk beyond and then stairs, which you came down behind that. Could I fit my arm? Could I fit my hands through and try and pick the lock?

You could. Kyle's watching you. But yes. How big is that wall area? Could he be distracted? Yeah, of course. But right now he seems to have nothing to do except talk to you. Kyle, you want to touch my muscles? Oh, um, no, not really.

Oh, well, you've hurt my feelings quite a lot. Kyle, Kyle, do you want to see a horrid little weenie? Oh, you know, I've already seen the horrid little weenie, actually, when he does his pees and poos over there. He takes all his clothes off to do a poo. It's weird. Sorry, in this timeline, Banknote has a weird penis? No.

No, Mr. Pitt has a weird penis. Oh, of course. I'm sorry, little weenie. Can I just let you guys know this whole time we've been in here, Phil has just been staring at Banknote, slowly pointing at him and slowly bringing her finger closer and closer to his face to poke him to see if she's real because i don't think phil does not understand what's what's

happening because last time she saw saw banknote he was you know back with them in the before times and she's very very confused and no one has filled her in on what's going on. So there is a big green finger coming very close to your face right now. I'm still confused as to how you knew who I was, Mr Pancakes. Um, well, did you say that you studied the chronomancy? The forbidden chronomancy arts. Yeah, look, wave... I mean, it sounds so silly to say it every single time,

but we have travelled through time back and forth, so we are no stranger to these dark arts, but we don't know that much about them. Does that mean that you have come forward in time from the first age? Yeah, twice now. Three times. Twice? Oh.

Oh, gosh, that just takes the biscuit, doesn't it? Because, you know, we were talking, me and the professor, we didn't even know if it was possible. It's all theoretical at this point, you know? And then you've done it bloody twice. How might one return to your age? We need to locate a lodestone. Hey, just a minute.

Kyle, do you mind? Could you give us a little privacy, please? Again, you know, that's another thing that people are always like, could you just turn around, Kyle, because I want to do my pees and poos. Kyle, if you put your head in the piss bucket and then banged on the piss bucket with something hard, that would be loud enough. I don't really want to put my head in a piss bucket and then banged on the piss bucket with something hard that would be loud enough uh i don't i don't really i don't um you want to put my head in a piss bucket um that that's sort of a difficult thing to persuade me to do i think but it is a persuasion so i guess

we could get you to roll for it um if you want to persuade i would call that a very difficult check. So I would say that that is a DC 22. Sure, but I imagine we're all helping, so Filch has advantage on this check. Yeah, because I say to Kyle, I say, I bet you can't even fit your head in that. I bet you can't. And that's advantage. That's what it is.

That's advantage? Yeah. You're lucky it's locked out and I don't fucking care that much. All right, go for it, Alex. Oh, boy. I got a six. Advantage? Yeah.

That's what you deserve. Thanks all the same, guys, but I don't think I'm going to stick my head in a bucket of piss. He's a little, now that he knows you don oh um thanks all the same guys but i don't think i'm gonna stick my head in a bucket of piss he's a little bit now that he knows you don't want him to watch he's kind of a little bit interested and so he goes and he grabs a little folding chair next to a desk and he makes a big deal about opening it up and then he sort of places it in front of the cells and he just sits down watching the six of you no just a little sorry a little too far you can do some of that if you want but it's not his first radio.

He's watching you. Oh, that's a classic one. Try to grab the jailer. That's a classic one. I had a friend who on his first day, you know, he got, somebody tried that. They killed him. They did kill him. So it's something to always be aware of.

There's a poster to remind me, don't get too close to the bars. So while we're meeting Bankno, what's Friso's reaction to all of this, Ian? Friso, unless anyone else has a particular plan they want to do, Friso is going to cast Gassius Form on himself and sneak through the bars and go kill this Keith person. Keith, is that his name? Kyle. His name is Kyle.

Yeah, yeah. Dragonfen's guard's name. So, Friso, as you start to say, I should point out, in full view of the jailer, as you start to cast this magic, because magic is very rare now in this new age of order, he's kind of just smiling at you, not quite

sure what you're doing. When Friso does it, he goes to sit on the toilet, he takes off all of his clothes, and he sits on the toilet naked, and then turns himself into gas. Into a fart. Okay. What was that, Eden? No, no, no.

What was that, Eden? He turns himself into a fart. Yeah, yeah, he does. He turns himself into a fart, Dave. He's a fart, Dave. Friso turns himself into a fart, Dave. Big stinky fart, Dave. As Friso starts his plan,

as Friso kicks off his boots and starts shimmying his pants off, suddenly a rune on the wall next to the side of the cell at about what was previously dick height but now is head height of Friso starts to flash on the wall. It's a rune and it's glowing. It's a dick alarm. I was going to say, it's a fart alarm.

Someone's turned themselves into a fart. Is it a fart alarm, Dave? Is it a fart alarm? It pulses with a red light and it plays as it sits there, slightly extruding from the wall. The show's about to start. Ooh, okay. All right, get your popcorn, everyone.

I'm going to show you this. When you go to the theatre, Alex, do you take popcorn? Is that what that is? Yeah, and a big slushie. You go into Les Mis and you're like, oh, oh, crunch. Do you reckon anyone's ever had an ice cream, like a slushie headache in Les Mis?

Do you reckon that's ever happened? I reckon you could definitely get an ice cream, like a slushy headache in Les Mis? Do you reckon that's ever happened? You could get an ice... I reckon you could definitely get an ice cream headache at Les Mis because you could have gotten a macadamia ice cream and eaten it just too quickly because the overture was taking too long. Do you know what I'm thinking? I think that Les Mis is such a popular show

and they've had probably across the world professional productions, probably tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of productions, I think it is approaching a statistical certainty that someone has crapped their pants during Les Mis. Oh, definitely. So anyway, Dave, what's this rune doing? It's a fucking button.

It's an obvious button. Do you want to press it? Oh, it's a button. Guys, be heroes. Don't press the button. If you're going to do it, you've got to flush it down. Can anyone want to press it? Oh, it's a button. Guys, be heroes. Don't press the button. If you're going to do it, you've got to flush it down. Can anyone read the rune? Read the rune, guys.

Guys, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time check. It's an Eladrin rune. It says announce. Announce. And it's in the cell? Yeah, it's built into the wall just next to the jet to the cell door at present i speak into it okay hello prisoners

the moment you you press it a voice crackles into place it says can't hear you so don't bother replying i repeat this message is for and concerns the one who calls himself Friso the First in the Level 4 dungeons. This message is being broadcast through the entire complex, and I can't hear you, so don't bother replying. Anyway, you've put us in something of a bind, Mr. Friso, by killing our Larko pontiff in front of the Trollers' agents. You've weakened our temple and our order, but the law is the law, and the lore is the lore. You are clearly a Friezo, and so, after consultation with my council,

we agree that the sacred blood of succession flows through you just as it did through our leader, and we cannot deny the blood. So I am opening your cell and there's a buzz and the cell doors all glow as excited Kyle sort of gets up watching

as all of these cell bars dematerialize and the entire world disappears in front of you well that's a bloody new one tell you that much but we will not be ruled by an outsider we are freezos and we will find a way which is why i lawmaster cockfingers declare

declare that the first acolyte to kill this Friso shall be deemed Friso the 39th, Larco Pontiff of the Temple of Cutthroats and Bakers. Good hunting, Frisos. Never forget what he did to us. And then the PA goes silent. Kyle's looking at you with a kind of odd expression on his face. Oh, gosh, guys. Did you hear that?

Did you guys hear that? Yeah, we heard it. And he's, like, going to his drawer and, like... He's walking towards his desk. What do you do? I'm going to crossbow him. Okay, great. Quickly make for me a sneakers hack if you want.

How does he still have his crossbow? Oh, yeah, do I have my crossbow? Oh, yeah, that's a very good point. I've forgotten how to dungeon master. I'm having an absolute brain event. No, you don't have your crossbows. You can see all of your gear, which was taken from you,

hanging on a pegboard wall opposite his desk. But he's walking. He dives towards his desk, as you can dive at him if you want, Bobby. Okay, I'll dive in. All right, so this is opposed dexterity rolls roll for me quickly a dexterity check i'll roll for kyle he rolls a 14 um that's a 24 a 24 okay so as he reaches towards his desk uh you suddenly barrel forward a tiny little halfling um bolt of lightning as you burst forward and crash tackle Kyle onto the ground and his drawer spills open and something glittering and metal with wires coming off it

falls out of the drawer that he was reaching for, which is very obviously Banknote's hereditary shocking gauntlet. Banknote makes a run for that and takes that. Okay, so we're going into combat now. So Banknote rushes forward and grabs his gauntlet. Banknote makes a run for that and takes that. Okay, so we're going into combat now. So Banknote rushes forward and grabs his gauntlet. That's his action is he takes it and turns it on and it glows blue. He closes his hand and a corona of electricity surrounds it.

Next one up is Baston. I'm going to do a flurry of blows. Okay, are you still inside the prison? Are you racing towards, I assume? I can race towards him. I've got 40 movement or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a badass.

That's fine. So you race forward and you just start punching the shit out of Kyle, is that right? That's what I do. Making a flurry. Make your attacks. I'm a class 13. Oh, yeah. One hit.

Oh, yeah. And a two hit. That's actually a crit, bro. So I do 12 damage. All right, 12 damage. Boop, bo a two-hit. That's actually a crit, bro. So I do 12 damage. All right, 12 damage. As he falls backwards, and you can see with the other hand, he pulls a knife out of his belt

as he continues to grapple with Bastogne on the floor, trying to attack you. For fuck's sake! Rolls and gets a 15, which is going to get you, only because your arm has been taken from your baston, and you take eight points of damage. The next one up is Filch.

I turn to Bankno, and I say, Bankno, you fight with us, we show you all the secrets of time. Of course, of course. Of course, Filch. I say, you protect Freezo. With my life. Do you want to do anything else, Filch?

What's Mr. Piss up to? Mr. Piss is looking very much like a non-combatant, sitting there very quietly, looking at you all with horror on his face on the folding bed on the wall all right i'm uh i'm not gonna try and attack him i go you stay there he doesn't he doesn't he's not a frizomite so he doesn't look like his plan is to kill frizo oh so only frizomites can kill that's what that's what miss that's what lawmaster cock fingers was saying yes got it um

okay i'm gonna get the piss bucket and I'm going to put it on my hand like a metal glove. No, no, no, no. And I'm going to punch Cockfingers with it. Who's Cockfingers? No, not Cockfingers. Sorry. Kyle.

I'm going to put, okay, I'm going to grab the piss bucket. Alex, we put a lot of effort into these things. Like a metal glove. So the least you can do. I was trying to do it again. And I'm going to hammer Kyle with it. Okay, great. So make for me an attack.

Just a strength attack. Oh, yeah, I got a 14. Thanks, Dave. 14. Okay, great. 14 is just enough as you grab him where he's fighting Bastogne. You pick up Kyle by the scruff of his neck, and you slam him against the doors

that lead out into the stairs leading upwards. They splinter under his body, but he's still very much alive. Mr. Piss, will you... Ben, will you be upset if we deem Mr. Piss not a combatant? No, that's fine. Mr. Piss is...

Mr. Combatant. Yeah. Mr. Piss is just slowly de-robing because that's his thing. Why isn't he taking this opportunity to escape the prison? Why is he just sitting there? He's paralyzed with fear. Also, he's got tenure. He's fine.

These are all billable hours. So, in that case, Frieza, you're up next. Frieza rematerializes above Keith. case, Frieza, you're up next. Frieza rematerialises above Keith. I guess Frieza's naked. Frieza, only if while he was listening to Cockfinger's PA message, he

continued disrobing and then cast the spell. Is that what he did? Yeah, I mean, that was his intention, was to pretend to be a fart, so I don't see why he wouldn't. Fartzo. Fartzo. I don't like that.

I don't care for that. He dematerialized. You've taken many forms. Stelzo. Behold. Tilda Swinton. And now my final form. Fartzo.

That fucking sucks. Freezo rematerializes in the nude andtackles Kyle on the ground from where... Yeah, well, I... Yeah, Dave. He crash-tackles Kyle on the ground and he uses his thumbs to gouge out Kyle's eyes. Okay. Well, that night sucks. I'll do a quick strength attack.

Unarmed attack. So that was 18 minus 1 is 17. It's strength, right? So 17. I'll let you do strength. That's fine. Okay, so that's opposed by him. He rolls an 11, which is good. So the last thing

he sees is thumbs. Yeah, the last thing he sees is some thumbs. The second last thing he sees is a naked man descending from the mist. Possibly Chinese. In front of him. And then thumbs is the last thing he sees as Friso, I guess, scoops his eyes out like

a psychopath. As he gouges the guy's eyes out, Friso says, guess, scoops his eyes out like a psychopath. As he gouges the guy's eyes out, Friso says, you'll never build anything this beautiful again. Great. Wiping your hands on the front of his blouse. You can also grab the keys if you want from his belt. Oh, sure. Yeah. If you want to do anything constructive with your time.

And the rest of you are all able to very quickly grab your weapons and armaments. However, you can now hear that there is a siren blaring high above you. And you remember, again, that you are four levels underground. You haven't heard anybody come in yet. But, Frieza, you're able to open the doors to stairs leading up. Banknote also has his equipment. It seems to be mostly books and the um the thing that was a gift from his grandfather the shock gauntlet which he is able to strap on which is

his weapon sorry i have to ask a question sorry for it's you know it's not for me and i want you to know this is not for me it's for the fans listening at home they're gonna have questions and that question is frieza's naked we need a chongus report this is our first time this is the first time you've seen frieza's human penis yeah okay we're gonna have to roll i think we have to make for me um if you a human penis check a charisma i would say no normally this would be a charisma check but i think because there's a lot riding on this for you personally why don't we make it a charisma save uh so roll for me a little charisma save there with disadvantage i think like historical familiarity uh one was 23 and one was 18 23 and 18 all right so 18 is the lowest yeah 18 is pretty good so yeah that's a nice cock i think that's

i think everybody is a little surprised it It's not just fine. It's nice. It's better than 10 is a normal level zero, challenge rating zero peasant skulk, right? This is an 18. This is like all of the dragon friends look and then all of them just tilt their heads slightly to the side. As Frieza, oblivious, naked as the day he was born, clutching his magical focus and a backpack,

but not even trying to put his clothes on, scambers up the stairs like a little goblin. What about them balls, though? Oh, flopping wildly and weird. Tiny, tiny and hairy. Hairy, so hairy at first you think they're wearing caps. Caps! Real quick question, question guys what the fuck are we doing I don't

I'll tell you I'll tell you what I'm doing I'm sitting in my car is any of this going on to the podcast all of it I'm sitting in my car on the street

where I live listening to some people I've known for around a decade rolling some dice to see if a fictional character's dick is weird or good. That's where I'm at, guys. Here's to a decade more.

That's what week nine of the lockdown looks like. Great. Friso scampers up the steps. The rest of you can follow if you want. Banknote, I assume, follows? Yes, yes. Yeah, and so does Mr. Piss. As Mr. Piss dashes off.

Now that's how you do a penis, Mr. Piss. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Baston wants to talk to Banknote, and he says, you were down here to meet with the Filjites? Yes. No, we were out. We were out. I'd hide them to get an artifact for me,

but they betrayed me because they cannot be trusted. Well, I mean, I really do feel like I have to sort of step in here and defend the Filgites. It wasn't the Filgites who betrayed us. As far as I'm aware, they kept up their side of the bargain. It was bloody Gribbets who said that he'd give us safe passage to meet them

with the Filgites, because, you know, everything bloody has to go through him these days. And yes, that's when he turned us over to the Frisomites. You son of a gun. How do you contact the Filjites if you wish to? Well, there are channels. You know, I have contacts at the Great Crag. And, you know, they're a good bunch as far as the...

Do they live underground mostly? The Filjites have a shrine. It's a natural shrine. It's in the woods just outside New Island, a good bunch as far as the uh do they live underground mostly so the phil the phil giants have a have a shrine it's a natural shrine it's in the woods just outside new island which is called the shrine of the big rock and it is presided over by a figure called the great crag look me feel like maybe if anyone you know could provide protection for frie right now, maybe at the Filgites. I mean, they've been thinking about rocks this whole time. They've got to have some good fortifications. And here we are.

Okay, so you're right in the rocks. What is the lodestone but a big rock? Oh, what is the earth but a big rock? Do we live on the earth? So you're just about to burst out into the third level of whatever complex you are as you're just about to exit the stairs leading up. Yeah, cool. As we run through that door, do we see anyone, Dave?

Yep, so the doors open up. Immediately, oppressive heat hits you as you open the doors. This area is very, very warm, lit by forges or some kind of fire and heat source. And you can see long rows of tables with benches in between them. Sort of a great hall with dining tables everywhere, all of them empty. And there are two figures dressed in the white robes of Friso might, acolytes who are sweeping and they turn and spot you. And as they do, one of them points at Friso and snaps the broomstick in half, creating a club,

while the other one races towards the back end of the room, which means that, Bobby, you're up first. Okay, I'm going to crossbow the one who's racing away. Okay, quickly make an attack for me. That is a 21. 21 hits with a sneak attack. So that's um 10 plus um 15 okay so bobby bobby downs one of the acolytes this is the bolt of his crossbow hits the back of his neck the neck snaps and the frieza might

acolyte collapses on the ground banknote you're up uh how close are they within sort of like grappling distance yeah this one's about 30 feet away, so you could run in. Yeah, banknote's going to run into the guy and grab him by the throat and try and electrocute his throat. Okay, great. He's not wearing armour, so you don't get double damage, but you get normal damage, make an attack. That is an 18-plus strength.

I don't have banknotes. 18's fine, 18's fine. And then the damage it does is sorry, one second. 16 damage. 16 damage. As the second acolyte collapses dead on the table as he is choked and blue lightning causes the body

to spasm straight and then collapses on banknote's hand. And as a more competent, it has to be said, banknote than you've ever seen, throws the body against the wall and turns to face all of you. I'm a professor now. Great.

You can see the heat is coming from double doors at the far end of the hallway, and there are doors on either side of the hallway. This looks like a common area where people are going to be coming through. The alarms are still blaring. You probably don't have very long to act. we go up the stairs more or do we have to go through those doors you can't see stairs there are doors to your left and right and there's

double doors up the very back it looks like the promenade between the long tables leads forward so it might be through those doors uh all right let's go through the let's go through the hot doors then sounds good all right so racing through the doors as quickly as you can. You burst through the doors and you find yourself in what looks like a hot room of a bakery. There are three more acolytes. Do you mean an oven, Dave? No, no, a hot room. It's a hot room.

This is a real thing. This is a real thing. I had a friend who was friends with a baker and they told me that when you, like at a big bakery, like a Baker's Delight or something, they have a room that has a concrete floor and stone walls and the whole room is an oven.

That's the hot room. They call it the... Never, never trust a baker. They always plan tricks. Yeah, they're like, they're like, you know the number 12? Well, that's actually the number 13. That's just one of their lies.

Three of these figures turn around, and one of them shouts out to the other one, inform the master baker, as the one furthest away from you races through another set of doors, leading even deeper. As the other two turn around, one of them's got a rolling pin,

and the other one is holding two sharp knives. As they dive towards you, Baston, you're up. Um, okay. What's their armor class? All of these are unarmored acolytes of... These are not the warriors of the temple. These are just acolytes wearing robes. Armor class, 12.

Okay, so Baston swings once with his sword and does seven damage. Okay, not very good. And then he attacks twice with his scimitar of speed, doing 11 damage both times. So 22 plus seven is 28. In a whirl of steel, Baston takes down one of the acolytes who dies a look of terror on his face, Filge. I'm going to push a big shelf of bread rolls over onto one of them. Okay. Make a strength check for me.

If you do very well, you can barricade the door that you just came through with this shelf as well. Yes. That also occurred to me. Thank you very much, Dave. 22. 22. Okay, great.

Filge, Greg roars, grabs and screams. It has to be said in pain because it's a hot room. Everything is an oven. I keep saying this. Wait, everything is an oven? it's a hot room everything is an oven i keep saying this so everything's an oven so you take four hit points of damage as you grab the ceramic shelves but you roar through the pain and you slam them on the doors behind you barricading yourselves in with the last of the friezer mit also, from falling debris, takes four hit points of damage himself, but is still up. And Mr. Piss looks at you

with mute non-combatant horror, and Frieza, you're up. Frieza's going to go over to the remaining Frieza-mite. There's one still guarding in front of the other one that's raced towards the doors. So there's one in your way. Okay, we'll go to the one that's in my way. Yeah.

And Frieza's just going to say to him, you can... I'll kill you right now if you want, but I don't... You shouldn't have to die for this. Don't try to kill me, because I'll kill you. I would gladly die for a chance to be Friso the 39th. This is what I was born to do.

I was born... I'm Friso. That's me. You can't out-Friso me. I'll kill you right now. I'm, I was born, I'm Friso. That's me. You can't out Friso me. I'll kill you right now. I'm giving you a chance. And I will be Friso when you're gone. And he lunges at you with his dagger,

but he's weak. He rolls a critical one and you swat his hand aside and get a bonus action. I'm gouging his eyes out. There's other ways to kill people. I'm gouging his eyes out. This isn't a thing.

It's not a signature thing. No, Dave, he doesn't have to die, but I need to leave him alive. In fact, I need to leave him alive as a warning to the others. Okay, you will make with disadvantage then a fucking hell, a dexterity check.

Dexterity? Dexterity's better than strength? All right. I would say that when you've got somebody at your mercy gouging their eyes out is more about dexterity than strength. It's really about willpower. Make a willpower check for me.

Willpower's not a thing, Dave. Oh, it's not? That's 3.5 edition. All right, dexterity's fine. Dexterity is 18 plus 3. Yeah. That's 21. And the next one is 11 plus 3, so 14.

Did that hit? You blind him. Are you going to leave him alive, did you say? I just say to him, never forget what I did to you. Throwing him aside. I hate this so much. How do we get out of here, Dad? Well, the third one runs through the further doors and goes,

Master Baker, they're here, they're here, and races through. Bobby, you've got an action before he disappears if you want. Yeah, I'll try with the crossbow again strike him down bobby yeah that's a 25 okay great uh not a sneak attack normal attack yep uh nine damage nine damage still that's enough and he goes down the doors are open and steam billowing steam rushes out of the doors that open as you go into an even hotter room that is beyond the hot room that is the realm of whoever this master baker figure is and there's just steam in the doors going into an oven right and we're going into an oven it seems this is how dave's gonna wrap up all of dragon because we all run into an oven and then dave's like on button everyone dies

good night i don't have to do this fucking show anymore. I had to play the big bad, Broden Kelly. Get out of the film. For a second, there is just steam, and then you hear a footfall, and then another footfall. Loud, huge, and crunching as a figure starts to emerge from the steam. Eight feet tall as it walks towards you, Eight feet tall as it walks towards you and you can see that it is a giant construct made out of furnace-fired bread with a frozen face. Frozen in a kind of a rictus of inspiring awe in all of you.

But misshapen features badly built in the bakery. A bread golem as it walks. A gingerbread man? A bread golem? Dave, is that a real thing in D&D if you made this up? Did your fucking baker's delight friend tell you about bread golems? Look, I'm using a different stat build, but it's going to work. I've thought about it and it's going to work. And he's not made of bread.

He's made of furnaces. Is that correct? Furnace fire. A furnaced bread. He has a thick crust. He's still made of bread, Al. He's bread, but he's made of bread. Okay, thank goodness.

I thought he was just made of ovens. No, yeah, his name's Cobb. And he comes and he walks through the door and to the side of this figure walks out another figure. And if you could picture, strangely, this figure is a high elf. And there's something about Friso, but barrel-chested, heavily calloused hands, the beard much, much fuller, and a look of pure mania in this figure's eyes, dressed a singed and soot clad baker's outfit still with the regalia of the frisomites as the master baker of the temple steps out in one of his hands

a sickle and the other hand already glowing with eldritch energy as he walks towards you ben do you want to play this character? Sure. This is the master baker of the temple. Yep, yep, yep. Wheel, wheel, wheel. It looks like it's time to bake. Tom, do you want to play this character? Yeah, Tom, you go for it, buddy.

I actually love to do it. Yeah, Tom, you go for it, buddy. Yeah, okay. Bonjour, fuckheads. It's time for everyone to die. I've been waiting many years down in my onion room. I say onion. Fuck, I've not spoken to anyone for so long. Okay, put it together.

Come on, Becker. It's called the onion room. It's called the onion room because it's a hot room inside a hot room, so there's, like, layers. I've seen Shrek. We've all seen Shrek. It's the only thing that played down here in this prison. It's hard to tell where the madness of this character starts and the madness of Tom Cartier.

I mean, they're both deeply unwell. It's just that one of them is a fantasy construct. Okay, so the figure of Cobb is standing at his side as he looks at you, Friso, and starts to chant. His eyes glow blue as he's very clearly starting to cast some kind of spell. Fresh on young.

Can we roll for initiative there as he starts to... We're going to keep doing the initiative. I'm doing this rolling initiative thing, so that means that the next one up is going to be banknote. Banknote is going to lunge at the French baker and try and choke him out. Okay, cool. All right, as you do cob uses he did not roll very well he rolled a three and also cob uses his shield guardian free action so he as you race towards him cob grabs one hand and grabs banknote with a misshapen claw that was never meant to have

a hand the bread cracking and showing pure white sourdough in between as it forms mandible claws as it grabs banknote for around the neck so it had these hard appendages which it took off to grab him around the throat with soft bready no no so what i'm thinking the way it works in my head is that it was it was baked with claws but then the moment it needed to move those claws, it formed points of articulation that are bread-like sinew. So you can see these cracks inside. Sorry, is this the master baker or is this the bread guy? What do you think?

Who do you think has claws of fucking bread? I just wanted to be clear. Does this French man have... Because I was thinking claws of bread. You know what could be cool as claws of bread? Croissants. And that would explain

the French thing. He's made by the French guy. So, sure. He has opposable croissants. It's mostly a claw, but there's opposable croissants so he can manipulate, I don't know,

heavy machinery or whatever. That's actually why French men are so alluring is they have croissants fans. Okay, why don't you be my guest? To pain, fuckhead! And as he says that, he walks over and quickly grabs and pulls at controls

that are on the side of banknotes, shot gloves, as they start to glow, as banknotes shot gloves as they start to glow as cob grabs and as they start to glow as if they're going critical cob grabs banknote and punts him at friso friso making me a dexterity save dexterity save uh 10 plus dexterity so it's plus 2 12 unfortunately that's not enough which means that the figure of banknote barrels into Friezo just as the shock gloves activate because of whatever the baker's done to them as a discharge of lightning bolt and aura of it explodes around.

Now, I need everybody to make DC 14 dexterity saving throws, but if you wear metal armor, it's with disadvantage. So I think that that's only... Do any of you fuckers wear armour? No, we should get some. I've got armour. I've got light armour. Nobody wears metal armour.

What is wrong? Okay, all of you get fine. All of you normal saving throws. Fraser and Bankno, if they had to make them, they'd pass. Suddenly realising that this is why it's so easy to hit everyone let's say for fun that mr piss wears a little chain mail shirt underneath because he was going to the insurrection so he he unfortunately gets blasted everybody that was um oh no mr piss no the only one I want to save. My friend.

My brother-in-law. Imagine finding out in one week that your brother-in-law went to the insurrection, got his dick out, and then also you kill him. Okay, Mr Fizz takes 29 hit points of damage. Everybody else takes 14 hit points of damage, even on a successful save. But Friso goes down and his mirror,

the source of his magical powers, scatters out of his hand and down the hallway towards the downed shelves. And the next one up is Baston Indrirovich. Well, you know, this bread needs slicing, so I'm going to just go ham on him. Oh, crit. A crit?

Yep, yep. Because I get a 19, don't I? You do, yeah. Yeah, sick. Oh, 7 and 7 plus 14. 14 plus 4 is got to be 36. I'm going to say 36 is my maths on that. Just the way you say got to be makes me very unsure that it's correct.

Filled. 8. Oh, wait. I'll come back to you, Dave. I the way you say gotta be makes me very unsure that it's correct. Filge? I'll come back to you, Dave. I'll give you all the totals. All right. Because you were using magical weapons, it cuts through the innate defences of the bread golem. Meanwhile, while this is happening, Filge, what are you doing? I'm going to attack the French bread controller.

The master baker? Yes, the French bread controller, the master baker. My favourite Thomas the Tank Engine character. Controller? The Master Baker? Yes, the French bread controller, the Master Baker. My favourite Thomas the Tank Engine character. I do 29 as my total. That's not what you said. No, but that was three hits. Three hits was 29. Okay, 29 hit points.

Yep, what are you doing, Filch? I'm going to go into a rage because I haven't been hit by anything in a while and that made me real cranky. Is that why you haven't gone in a rage because i'm very i haven't been hit by anything in a while and uh that made me real cranky is that why you haven't gone in a rage for like two seasons great okay yeah you go into a rage bonus damage resistance to all damage all of the bonus strength yep go for it advantage on so oh and that's a critical with my thunder's wake thank you very much you can see my dice on yeah i can so you can do everything else all right great so that's that's true i can 24 hit points of damage but also hang on let me make a quick constitution

say for him suddenly phil ducks forward and using the power of Thunder's Wake, the air seems to shimmer as the steam jets out on either side as the ice-cold magic of the Frost Giants of Thunder's Wake cuts through like a hot knife through hot steam. The steam explodes into the shape of Filge as Filge

bursts through and makes contact with the Master Baker who goes wide spinning entirely around as his jaw is broken and he's thrown across the tables, slamming into a pile of, I guess, Freons, doesn't really matter, and takes 28 points of damage as he goes sprawling. From Freons? Yeah.

28 points of damage from Freons? No, not from Freons. From the magical hammer. With Freons like that, who needs enemies, am I right? Friso is still trying to extricate himself from banknotes. So Bobby, on a before you up, he turns around and finally gets a chance to cast his spell as the figure of the... The baker turns around and points,

gets up, Freon's falling off him like rain as he turns... Usually I would be very happy to be covered in Freons, but right now I'm pretty upset. His eyes flow blue and he points his hand out towards you, Bobby, as tiny little crusty bits of bread and dough fly out in a mess, in a sticky, sticky, yeasty mess.

And inside each of them are little chitinous, crusty creatures as swarm of these kind of crusts fire out towards you. Make for me very quickly a dexterity save. God, this would be funny if that's how Bobby dies. I mean, that's a nine. Okay, great. In that case, you take 46 piercing damage. Fuck!

But also, yeah, so that's 11 points of damage, but you are suppressed against the wall in this pile of, it's like scarabs, like little bread scarabs, as they bury Bobby underneath his weight. And suddenly you see behind, in the onion room, there are now even more of these young acolytes, looking very young, these little temple, junior temple associates,

piling down behind the Master Baker with a look of horror on their face as Banknote is able to get himself up. But did you have something? Dave, did you say that he took 4d6 damage or 4d6 damage? 4d6, so it wasn't that much. Right, okay. I was like, oh, shit, Bobby's going to die again. But he's pinned there

And they're biting into him Oh Some of the older ones Would be maybe 21 Some of the younger ones 14, 13 Oh okay let's And every one of them looks

And is like The Friso He must die As they race towards him Okay yeah There's a real little wiener one Who's like Who's like

I think they're like At the At the like Academy for Frisos They all have Dumb little uniforms Yeah sure There's a little wiener one who's like, I think they're like at the academy for freezos. They all have dumb little uniforms. Yeah, sure. And they have like school ties and like bullshit robes. They're like, now is the time to fight.

They say shit like that all the time. What other kind of shit do they say? Yeah, Ben, what other things do they kind of say? They say, once we destroy the pretender, we'll go and have lashings of lemonade. Are you doing Harry Potter? Or Enid Blyton. By way of Enid Blyton, yeah.

Yeah, sure, there are three younger acolytes. A little dipshit and his two friends. Dipshit Malfoy. Yeah, run forward. They're like, now, as we practiced, as a wave of first year Frisomite students descend down the stairs towards you, Banknote, extricating himself,

manages to deactivate the shot glove and pulls himself off Friso. Excuse me? Friso. Excuse me? Friso. And now it's banknotes go. Can I, even though I was attacked, can I do a spell? You can make, instead you can make an athletics check to try and pull yourself out of the scarabs.

Okay. Nope. No, so unfortunately you're restrained so banknote you're uh banknote is going to just banknote does banknote know any spells day no so banknote is not a trained artifice so he's dedicated himself to be an academic and to master the martial arts of the glove that his father grandfather placeholder banknote gave him okay so he's gonna run at uh there are two settings on the gauntlet i should let you know there's the combat setting you're using as well and also basically once a combat you can overload it and create a huge area effect blast of electrical discharge dave you're

really tempting me to kill a lot of kids here and i i'm not what you're doing i know what you're doing dave you're setting me up what you're doing, I know what you're doing Dave you're setting me up because you're going to be like you're being like, oh Hing it's like how they do it in video games, they give you the tools you need to finish the level. There is a grown up combatant in front of you, this has nothing to do with me. And the situation that you've presented me with Dave

is that there's a horde of children coming towards us, they're a threat, they're the boss we need to beat and you've just told me that this glove can's a horde of children coming towards us. They're a threat. They're the boss we need to beat. And you've just told me that this glove can do a charged area of effect damage. And I just want you to know, Dave, that I'm not going to take your bait. Alright? Because Banknote's a good boy. So he's not going

to murder children just because you want him to, Dave. I'm better than that. Jesus Christ, Dave. How many times you goad me into killing a class full of children, Dave? Never again, is what I say. Wow. Not going to be tricked again.

So Banknote is going to run towards... Who's looking more damaged, the bread golem or the baker? No one's hurt the bread golem. The baker is half dead. I cut up the bread golem. Sorry. I took a few good slices out of him. He's going to charge back at the baker who has already used his bonus action.

He's going to try and choke him out with the glove. Now, you know what? He'll supercharge the glove and he'll do it to the baker. Okay. What kind of attack is that? All right. You don't need to roll for them. They make dexterity saves.

The baker fails. The golem fails. Can you make a dex save, Bastogne? Oh, what? Do you want me to do damage? You don't need to. It's designed in a way for banknotes. Yes, you can do some damage.

It's designed in a way that it won't splash back and hit you. 12 is my dex save. What's the damage on the powered up guy? The powered up thing is... What do you reckon, 3d8 dave it's 40 10 40 10 oh shit good luck being alive baker uh he rolled 23 23 okay it overloads and once you do this it's the shock glove is out for the rest of the combat until you have a chance to retool it but you overload it it blasts out it um half of

that damage hits you baston even on a save boo but the baker is dead as cop's eyes go red and he just goes ballistic as without his master controlling it cob just lashes out starts attacking everyone one of the attacks hits one of the kids pulverizing. You do want to kill a class full of kids, Dave. You monster. You monster, Dave. You set the creature on a frenzy. The other one attacks you, banknote, and hits as well. And you take, oh, God, what is it?

You take eight points of damage. Banknote takes eight. And then the next one up is Bastogne. But, Dave, why did you kill all these fantasy kids? There's one kid. One kid is dead. That is not my fault. One kid is dead.

And that was dipshit Malfoy, so like, come on. That kid also was a racist. But, I mean, they're all Frisomites. They all dedicated themselves to worship a Friso. None of these kids are covered in glory. What, and therefore they deserve to die, Dave? Wow. Wow, Dave.

Best of, what are you doing? I'll be drinking lashings of lemonade in heaven tonight. Is the bread golem still alive? It is, but it's going crazy right now, and you've injured it. It's standing right next to the furnace at the side of the room, steaming around, its eyes glowing red.

I'm going to kick it into the oven. Okay, make for me a pose. Strength check. It's at disadvantage because it doesn't see you coming. Rolls a four. Strength save or a strength check? Strength check. Can I help you?

Oh, 15. If you don't, yeah. With Phil, just help. The two of you grab and you clothesline the cob loaf back into the oven, which slams shut behind it. You hear the roar of it as it pounds on the walls. And the children look at you sort of in mute horror for a second. And then, because they have been trained so well by the cult of the Frisomites,

charge towards Friso with murderous intent in their eyes, drawing small knives. Stop, children. You need not die. Once we're done here, you can come to the temple of love and sadness, where we take all kinds, even reformed Frisomites. Isn't that right, Friso? Yeah, look, that is true. What if they're below six?

Oh. Oh, yeah. And how are you going to judge those children? I don't feel comfortable judging the hotness of these children. I really want to judge that. We'll do a hotness amnesty for the children. Yeah, hotness amnesty. Look, we're going to take you.

You might longbottom, so I'm willing to... I interviewed Neville Longbottom recently, or about a year ago now, and we wanted to ask him what it's like to go from being Neville Longbottom to being quite hot. And he was very gracious about it, but it's quite clear that that's literally all anyone talks to about him.

So you know how you fuck? We were like quite clear that that's literally all anyone talks to about him. So you know how you fuck? We were like, man, that's crazy. And he was like, yeah, no, I get it. I'm hot. He was really tired. Well, based on saying that, Friso is also going to give a quick little

speech and just say, look, kids, guys, if you kill me, sure, you might be Freezo, but then what? Then what? Then your friends will want to kill you to become Freezo, and then their friends will want to kill them to become Freezo. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. You don't want to be Freezo.

Or, if you really want to be Freezo, what is the first tenet of Freezo? Obviously, you attack the adds before you attack the boss. You consider yourselves actually weaker versions competing against this same goal. So I reckon you should fight amongst yourselves, kill each other, and then I'll fight the winner. All right, guys?

Go to it. What do they do, Dave? So I guess it's like a mass persuasion check, Dave. That's what I'm thinking. But I don't think they think they live in a video game. But, Dave, they've all been studying Friso's teaching. Dave, I got to say, I think that unfortunately, whatever fucked reasoning Friso has here, it's...

Well, what's the little Harry Potter one doing? Well, look, and he's unsure, and he's like, he's like, no, my friends, we must be united. When I kill Friso, I will be a just and mighty Friso, and all of you will have plum positions as my retinue. And also plums, and actual plums. Yes, delicious plums. We can suck as many plums as we want. Yes, delicious plums. And actual plums. Yes. Delicious plums. We can suck as many plums as we want.

Yes, delicious plums. And then Agatha... Bertel. Fuckhead. Okay, no. Never mind. Is like, when you're Friso... No.

When I'm Friso, you may have the plums. And then Donnie Smegma says, I will rule as Friso, as just and kind. And then fucking Arnold Pooh. One of the kids is called Ben Jenkins. Yeah. And they start like fighting. Not like they're you know they're not that strong but they start real tussling and picture if you will a fight descending first cautious for they

are but children weak of wrist and of countenance as they start to slap at each other slaps becoming punches punches becoming heavy blows of truncheons raining down blood amongst them as a path is cleared between them and seemingly unable to stop the inexorable rise through the four levels of the Frisomite Temple. The figure of Friso the 1st and 38th walks with a slightly unsure retinue as the waves of children, literal children, part to allow him access to the upper temples.

This place was born to worship him. This place was built to revere him. This place cannot contain him. Such is the might of the first and most Friso of the Frisos as he makes his way out of the temple, having thoroughly destroyed 1,000 years of beautiful tradition in his wake, leaving naught but chaos behind.

They could not have what he had. They shall not have. There can be only one Friso. Thank you. Woo! Only one Friso. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing.

Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cady. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded from our homes in this upsettingly long return to the age of isolation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in.

You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. Oh, ooh, ooh Wait, can I tell you a... Can I tell you a theatre story? It's lockdown. We don't need to do a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. So I worked at Miss Saigon.

Right? And they used to have a real helicopter in the theatre, but then they thought we don't need a real theatre. This is pretend. We't need a real theatre. This is pretend. We can have a pretend helicopter. Nothing needs to be real. No.

They didn't even put this show on at all. They used to have a real Vietnam War, they did. They had this hectic sound system that had this like brown note for spew. No. And so many people kept spewing and i was like in the in the theater just talking to someone on the doors of the theater and i see this man just stumble out shell-shocked carrying his shoes and there was just vomit all down on the back of his neck down his front so badly you take your shoes off it wasn't his shoes someone two rows behind him had just roffed all the way forward and somehow it had filled this man's shoes with spew and i saw this and just turned around and walked in the other direction. I looked at nothing.

Are you sure there's a theatrical brown note that makes you puke? Are you sure it wasn't just a bad batch of popcorn and macadamia ice cream? The production that Eden's talking about had a very famous sound design of their helicopter. Because they didn't put it on stage at all, they did the helicopter entirely with sound. And it was meant to be very full on and quite unpleasant. Yeah. Oh my God. Man, I'm a spew.

That is amazing. That's so funny. So anyway, Dave, what's this rune doing?