Dragon Friends - #7.13. Real Mad in Retrospect

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

With one church planning defiance and another in crisis, The Dragon Friends must face the third great faith made in their honour. Will they finally find allies amongst the acolytes of The Great Cragg? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh yeah, for anybody, for our international viewers, we are still in lockdown. Ben is still recording in a car. We are recording across Zoom with a latency that is almost imperceptible. Are we ready to play some Dungeons and Dragons? Yes, we are. Doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. 1,000 years ago, the cult of the Frisomites was formed in secrecy, dedicated to the capricious and contradictory testament of the one they call Friso I.

That cult today is wracked by an almost instantaneously explosive schism, and as the dragon friends race out of the Frisomite Temple, it seems the cultists within are by now too busy fighting each other to stop your escape. The vast central hall of the temple is empty by the time you reach the ground floor, although the noise of cardinal stabbing cardinal echoes out even here. With you are two new companions, Lion Shield Banknote, of course, and his educational attaché from the Academy of Approved Sciences, one Edward Piss historian. And thank you, Ben, as always, for an invaluable addition to Dragon Friends Worldbuilding.

You're welcome. I have not checked the wiki lately, but I have not seen an entry for Edward Piss. Disappointing. Feels like you're listening to this and you you know, run the wiki. It would be very, seems a bit rude that you haven't done that to be honest. Yeah. The doors are closed but barred on

your side and you're beginning to smell the now familiar smells of a church burning to the ground as you race towards them. What does it smell like? Sin, I guess. I don't know, Al, but the dragon friends definitely know it. They're like, oh, yeah. Frankincense and murder.

Only as you arrive at the gates, you are just there in time to see them splinter and crash as three figures burst through the other side with one other figure following quickly behind them. That's right. Four figures. Absolutely four figures. First draft of a spiel is fine.

Three half-orcs and a human dressed in cream and orange outfits of hide and sackcloth, each wearing a leather cuirass emblazoned with the image of a big rock. Edward Piss looks up delighted. It seems your friends have found you after all. Edward Piss looks up excited as the four of them look and as Edward Piss begins to speak, the largest of them, a sort of grim-looking half-orc, cuts the air with his hand and points at Banknote

and Edward Piss and looks to his companion for confirmation who nods his head and then he beckons for the four of you to come with him with an other finger pointed to his lips trying to slip you out of the temple. This guy wants us to look at his nose. Nice nose. If you could just keep it quiet, all right? I don't know how much time we have.

There's obviously something going on here, but we've been sent to... It's Mr Banknote, is it? Yes, my name is Mr Banknote. Right, you're coming with us. The Big Crag wants to speak to you. Can all my friends come as well? Did you say your bat friends? No, I said... What? No, I didn't say all my bat friends.

They don't look like bats to me. What is it, a halfling? That's not what I said. I didn't say bat friends. A halfling? Why would I say bat friends? Is it a human? Some kind of piss man? Hello? I didn't say bat friends. Why would I say bat friends? A human, some kind of piss man. Hello. I didn't say bat. I don't.

Why? I said, can all of my friends. Yeah, fine. Your bat friends can come. Play the tape back. Your bat friends can come. That's fine. Go back 30 seconds and see if there's any way that you could have thought that I said bat friends.

We don't have time. We don't have time. Anyone could have heard bat friends. We're moving on. We don't have time or the technology. Yes,. Anyone could have heard Bat Friends. We're moving on. We don't have time or the technology. Yes, your Bat Friends can come, but we must leave immediately. Let's go. Let's go, let's go.

All right. And as they go, Baston kind of creeps up to the leader and says, I'm starting to talk like Banknote. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. Unrest. I actually have quite an important appointment to get to so uh if we could swing via the temple of uh love and sadness or um where are we where where are we still underground um so as you're saying this this figure uh who is a large proud looking half-orc whose name i believe is targ uh who has two other half-orcs and and the other human with him the um the four of them are what's

called a philgite rock formation and there's basically sort of commandos for the church they are leading you through the vulvan tunnels that led into the temple of cutthroats and bakers and he said um and he's listening to you, sort of, but in a way that suggests that he's kind of humoring you more than engaging. And he looks at you and he says, I don't know about any of this. I don't know about this temple or a sermon. All I know is that there was meant to be a meeting

between your friend and my boss. And your friend never showed up. Now, we've tracked him here. It seems like he was a guest of the Frisomites, but now he's going to make his appointment. All right. But if you want to go to this sermon... No, I honestly don't know where I am.

I'm in tunnels here and I'm quite disoriented. So I suppose I'm at your mercy, as they say. It is about, I will say that it is probably about an hour, like half an hour from sunset. So it is close to the time that you said that you were going to. Okay, but I can, maybe I can make it. Oh boy, it's going to be a race. Here we go.

And if you were to imagine all this. To Bastogne. So, Bastogne, you figure out what you're going to say? Yeah, absolutely. I've got it. The speech that is in my mind is just red hot. It's going to be so

inspiring. Can you give us a little flavor? Because me thinking... I'm just going to stand up there and be like, love. Sadness. And just go back and forth and just vibe it out what do you think yeah this sounds like you uh you unprepared for this man i've got a half an hour shut the fuck up all right i'm gonna be fine i'm gonna be super inspiring they love me they love me okay while you're having this little conversation tag um indicates with curt hand gestures to his friends who fall silent, and then he pulls from under his cuirass a small pouch

about the size of a baseball that he's wearing around his neck, and he empties it into his hand to reveal fresh soil that kind of smells like rain. And as he takes that, he works it in his hands until it forms a sort of mud compound and then walks between you to the walls of the tunnels that you're in and smears it in a long muddy streak across the walls of the tunnel which sits there on the loam as sort of like a muddy patch of wall., whispers something under his breath and then takes his hand and plunges it through the wall and continues walking forward

until he disappears through the muddy sinkhole in the wall. And a second later, his companions follow. One of them, as they do, grabs quite violently Banknote by the shoulder, not in an entirely hostile way, but in a way that suggests he's coming with him and banknote is sucked through as well and after a moment looking uncertain edward piss follows um i'm gonna walk i'm gonna walk through the mud okay

is everybody going through the wet mud wall bobby says meep meep and run through okay you shouldn't walk through the mud wall with your mouth open, but, like, do it your way. Meep. Sorry, at the end, there's short lips. All right, that's important. So, as you all make your way in, you burst through to the other side of the sinkhole

and find yourself in a very, very wet cavern, a sort of tunnel that looks strange and almost impossible. The walls of it are too slick to hold itself up and there's something kind of organic about it, but everywhere is just this same muddy loam with tunnels, small tributary tunnels peeling off in all directions and it stretches out as far as you can. See the rest of the Filgites standing there as Targ looks at you and goes you understand you're probably some of the first non-Filgites not inducted in our ways to see the stone ways stay close

stay with me and there's no danger here do you know I actually wrote my my undergrad thesis on the stone stone ways so this is very so you're an expert on the stone ways. I was just raised and born as a philger my entire life. But no, tell me about my heritage.

Oh, well, okay. There are a wonderful set of tunnels. Many people say they don't exist. So I did write my thesis on how they don't exist. Practically scrabbling through his notes. Much of this is very illuminating and also academically devastating for me. Yep, there they are. Right there.

When the mother of our religion came to Netheril 1,000 years ago, she told us the secrets of the rocks, and we have found the way that they communicate with each other, and we can use these stoneways to pass between the rocks to the places that they touch our world. I'm taking you now to see our great clag. She has much she wishes to discuss with you, Mr. Banknote. Frieza steps forward and is like, Hey, do you guys ever, like, use the rocks to make, like, a skateboard ramp or anything?

What? Like a skateboard ramp or, like, I guess a mudslide or something? Do something fun with the rocks? Well, this is kind of, like, as I said, this is largely a holy place. When you're sort of at a certain age, you are in... You know, look, I have some experience in running a religion, and I just think one of the problems with them is not enough fun.

Talk me through the experience you have running a religion, Hing. I was a god. For how long? I don't know. And where's your religion now? Six weeks. Right now, my religion's tearing itself apart in order to find someone suitable enough to try and kill their god.

Dave, I don't think this is as complicated as you think it is um one of the one of the other half orcs near targ um kind of looks a little bit sheepish and like kind of saddles up too he's like man we do that all the time skateboard ramps um fun jumps mud slides yeah man it's the best this I thought it would be cool. This is Krem, who's a slightly friendlier looking version of Targ. Not quite so straight and narrow. I told Targ, though, he got huge stick up butt. Yeah. Hey, Krem, what do you think is wrong with Targ?

Oh, I don't know. Firstly, that ancient war wound and stop telling outsiders. Yeah, he got stick put right up there. He said war, but he was trying to build table. We very good with rocks. Not so good with carpentry. Yeah, I'm going to be honest, dude. I feel like your energy that I'm getting from you right now,

I'm feeling like your energy is the energy that this squadron of Or of um orc uh of field jet commandos i feel like you would be a better leader than targ oh man it take all types i'm pretty chill yeah i don't know if you've necessarily found somebody with the ambition to take over the rock formation but creme is a very very seasoned and helpful deputy now at this point targ has picked it seems a bunch of tunnels at random and is walking you deeper and deeper through the stoneways though it feels like he knows what he's doing and eventually the tunnel tapers out into a dead end with the gloopy muck of the walls converging into just another sort of torpid sinkhole of mud and he looks and points and he

says this is um it takes in his takes, it touches it, tastes it and goes, this is the one. Bat friends, you go through first. Not our name again. More dragon. It doesn't matter. All right, let's go. Freezer goes through first and followed by Bancroft.

Okay, as soon as you go through, Freezer, your ears instantly and quite painfully pop. Owie, owie, o pop and you catch yourself as you realize that you are high high up on the balinox now about two-thirds of the way up the side of the mountain in a kind of perched cliff top um sort of little just um outcropping of rock and shale and you have walked through just a cliff face behind you that has more of this mud painted on it that even now is beginning to dry and fade away as your friends walk through it and on the other side you can see about 10 to 12 large semi-permanent uh yurt like tent structures

all of them um with smoke coming out the tops of them, constructed out of what looks like giant bones and stretched out pieces of hide with very strong foundations between them. And at the centre of these yurts is a very, very large, very heavy-looking rock that is sitting there, just forming the complete centerpiece

of this little village or whatever it is. And standing in front of that rock with an expression of kind of amused friendliness is a very large half-orc, eight feet tall with red hair tied in three braids at her back and a large stone maul and a beautiful brocaded dress of hide with plates of armour and shells. And this is the Great Crag. Can I pull everyone aside after we walk through onto the cliff? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Targ and the others haven't actually entered. It's just you guys so far. And the Great Crag is at a distance, almost like she's waiting for you to approach, so you've got time. Um, so I go, Jago's, what, I mean, what the play here? We reveal our, we reveal ourself to these guys. It not work out good for Friso.

Everyone try kill. Uh, what do you think we do here? I think it worked out pretty well for Bastogne, though, didn't it, Bastogne? I bloody well hope so. If I get back in time for my big moment. The church bells of the basilica begin to ring downstairs, suggesting that it is the call for prayer. Fuck a doodle, fuck a doodle.

Can we see the city from here here like the big floating prism and stuff the city of new island is built in the rain shadow of the balinox and it creeps up slightly up the side of it you can now see for the first time the landscape of the sword coast beneath you and it is upsetting the city of island r is quite small which is surprising given how urban it looked and it's surrounded by very tall fortified walls beyond that there are wicked looking storm clouds that seem to sort of crawl over blasted and scorched earth the entire of the landscape of the countryside used to be very beautiful around Barovia and around the Sword Coast now looks blasted, ruined and dead. You can see that

the sea far to the west looks torporous, sludge-like and toxic and there's a foul smell coming from the storms and the sea and far to the south you can see what looks like another city um that seems to glitter with kind of a malevolent crystal crystalline energy as the sun and the light of the storm clouds catch on it and it sparks at the different at the distance look isn't uh banknote banknote has an appointment with the Great Crag So maybe if we just chill in Go in, we pretend to be retinue You know, we get in

We get out We just Look Yeah, that's my plan How do we feel about that? Just let Banknote lead? What do we think? Yeah, okay Sounds good at that moment

they read the next figures of the phil jites banknote and edward piss come out banknote and edward held between them as tag walks forward and slaps his fist twice against his chest and roars out before addressing the crag with an open hand and says Me tag, me travel stoneways great way, as I promise to do. Me find the one called Banknote, and me bring to you the great crag, the mother, by the sight of the big rock.

Me done my duty. And then he steps back and goes And also these the bat friends. Hello. Hi, Guy. Hello, my name is Elijah Lepaknot. I am a professor of sorts in forbidden chronomancy. This is my associate, Mr. Piss.

You might recognize him from the storming of the Capitol where he got his penis out. You must be the Great Crag. The things you're remembering, I always, never fail to surprise me. Yes, that's right. Edward Pierce, who got his penis out at the Capitol insurrection. And let's not,

we don't have the time to go into what that means in the context of this fantasy world. They both step forward. Well met, bat friends. Me great Craig. Oh, me recognise you not just from Weird Weenie. Me recognise you from university. Yeah, that's why me call everybody to get you.

That's why we call everybody to get you. You tell us that you keep our papers out for big, powerful rock. And, you know, we think, well, lots of rocks, big, powerful. But guess what? We found a real big and a real powerful one. So let me come get you. Hey, bad friends. Yes?

Where is this powerful rock you've got there? Oh, we don't have. It's like elsewhere. Hey, Bat Friends, what's your deal? What do you do? What do you do? I said I'm a professor. You're a professor. You're not Bat Friends.

I mean other four. Edward Pierce. Edward Pierce gets his dick out of insurrection. Yes, but those two aren't the bat friends that's it that's that's that's banknote and edward who are the rest of these well what do your scripture say about great god returning oh time of need yeah it's say it may happen it's how it may happen. It's how it may not. I've got to be honest with you. We're pretty chill here.

But we've got scriptures, big books that I can definitely read. She points at an incredibly dusty pile of books just inside her yurt that have petrified, literally to stone. But, you know, we keep things pretty simple here. All how filled, she our God now. She our God always. She our God, not sure why we say now. Well, it's a thing that old fields used to say, apparently.

Anyway, be nice unless you get real cranky. Unless you – also, you can get real mad in retrospect and think of good reasons why. Oh, and we have these hats. Oh, let me see them hats. Yeah, they're pretty cool and they're just hats. What kind of hats? Yeah, what kind of hats it's like is it one type of hat or are they like

just a hodgepodge of hats you're just like looking around you notice that everybody's wearing a hat yeah I didn't mention this but Targ has one of those beer helmets that like the rat boys wear it's empty but he's got it and the tube's just hanging limply by his side

and he looks and he says um the one that Filch but he's got it the tube's just hanging limply by his side and he looks and he says Filge, she fought with her companions and defeated Strahd one of the great evils and saved Karsus the Controller she also tell us that there be rock somewhere and for many years our people

toiled and searched until we found rock here, it was sign that Filge spoke the truth. Oh, yeah, Filch speak truth. Hey, I'm Filch. B-T-Y. Me Filch. Can I get one of them hats since me Filch?

And there's a silence while, like, the Great Crag's eyes kind of narrow. And she's like, if you Filch, come here. No. What? what does not come you just because you tell me to what's the magic word what what's the magic word please you just ask nicely is what i'm saying if you want to over, like we're all, you know, this Bobby, is this Bobby talking? Yeah.

Yeah. You don't say you come here. You speak nice. You say you chill. You, please Filch, come here. I want to look at you.

Okay. Then I walk right up to her. Filch walks up. She looks at you. She takes two big big huge green hands And smushes your cheeks together As she pulls you face to face Although you're exactly the same height

She could definitely be related to you In sort of some way And she stares into your face Friso just leans in to Filch And just says Wait Hey Filch Filch just so you know

I still got one spell slot If you want me to do anything okay Wink Filch and just says, Hey Filch, just so you know, I still got one spell slot if you want me to do anything, okay? Wink! And then kind of backs off. So in this quite intimate moment of these two people face to face, Friso sidles up and whispers in your ear, loudly enough, I would argue for her to hear, just that.

I'll just like slowly push Friso's face away from my face without looking at him. Fair enough, fair enough. And like she like lets go of your face and then stands upright and like looks around at everybody and says, hey oingo boingo everybody, that failed!

That failed! She bad! Everywhere, all around the yurts, all of these Bingo boingo, everybody. That failed. That failed. She's back. Everywhere, all around the yurts, all of these little different half-orcs with a few humans, all of them wearing these same orange and cream cuirasses and sackcloth outfits, all stuck. Some of them wearing Burger King cardboard hats. Some of them wearing baseball caps.

One of them's got a hat that's just an ad for Shrek 2, which makes no sense. I also feel like the hat thing probably came in like six months ago, but they all thought it was like it's forever. Like it was like an ancient thing, but they just got confused. They all start walking up and they start gathering around as they all start murmuring and chanting, Filge, Filge, Filge, Filge, until they lift Filge up.

Everybody. As they pick Filge up and then place her very gently so that she's sitting on a divot in the big rock and then they all step back in a semicircle around her. Filge! Yes, Sammy, Filch! Yeah, you guys got a nice place here. Yeah, it'd be a shame if something happened to it, says Friso. Yeah, that's my friend.

Don't worry about him. Wait, wait one sec. If you Filch, is that Friso? Yeah, Friso, Bobby. Hello. Fast on. It's a gang. Holy Friso, Bobby. Hello. Fast on. Hi. It's a gang.

Holy dooly, old gang here. Hats for all. Then someone comes to the train, brings you hats. It's Targ as he hands out hats. He goes, I understand now. You called yourselves bat friends to conceal the truth. You're the dragon friends. Dave, can we pick whatever hats we want?

I feel like I've gone down this road before. Everyone can pick what hat they want, but I get one veto for Hing's hat. Machine gun hat. Alright, you get a machine gun hat. Eden? I want Hing

to have to wear a fedora. Alright, Hing wears a fedora. Alex? The opposite of what I wanted. I want Hing to have to wear a fedora. All right, Hing wears a fedora. Alex? The opposite of what I wanted. I want one of those wizard hats from Disneyland with the two Mickey Mouse-ies coming out. Again, I don't know how, but they have a line on incredibly anachronistic hats,

so you get that as well. Your machine gun hat is not functional, by the way. No, I actually want a big cowboy hat. Okay, actually it's a texan it's a 10 gallon hat and it's got a machine gun through it which you wear with a headband so it looks like i think it was a joke i just want to have a hat well sometimes you got to be careful about what you say um and hing what did you want um he gets a fedora that is what he is wearing. But can I get a helm of the mammoth lord, Dave? No, you get a fedora. Okay. So that's everybody's hats.

And as they look around you and, okay, just so you guys know, the helm of the mammoth lord, it's got tusks on it, and it lets you gore people with your tusks. And I think it would be really fun for Freezer to have that hat. I'll take that, Dave. Oh, you want that? I'll take that, Dave. Oh, you want that? I'll take that. Okay, Eden gets a helm of the Mammoth Lord.

Yes. Nice. Very cool. Very cool. All right, so now that everybody's got their hats, they sort of look at you. A hush sort of falls as all of the Filgites are looking at you, Phil, just as you sit there up on the rock

as you very carefully put your hat on and the clag just splits. Their mouth splits into the biggest grin and they all start smiling as they all look incredibly happy and pleased with themselves. They're so nice! Yeah, you did a good job here.

You did this nice. First of all, me, your god. And, you know, you really took idea of rocks and ran with it and made it your own. And full credit to all of you for that. I mean, so much. Yeah. And, you know, me, light rocks. But you really make cool mud wall.

Are they like portals? Itagaz, the stone ways. I suppose, in a manner, this was your magic. We didn't get that wrong, right? You left this. We found it at the stone. You left this for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me did a good job.

Let's move on. You there. With the, you there. Half-orc with the flower pot hat. Is that crap? I'm just pointing to random people in the crowd. Oh, okay, yeah, yes. Sure, Simon.

You people... This place looks kind of crappy. You people happy here? Crappy, happy. Two sides of the same stone. The controllers, they told us that if we were to practice our rituals, we had to do it outside the city. We are, what word?

Exiled? What kind of rituals do you do? We maintain the stoneways, keep them clean, keep them good. Sometimes we do mudslides. Very cool. We just rock stuff. And the Great Crags. The Great Crags, like...

Oh, also, we do social softball. In fact, social softball make up a lot of your religion, by the way. Like you said. I don't know if that's your intention, but we're real big into that. Okay, interesting that you worship rock but choose softball. Yeah. This is against my teaching. Oh, no!

Rock ball only from now on. You any good at fighting? You there, goblin in the hat that look like a different hat. What? It's a hat with a different hat painted on it. Beautiful, beautiful. Yes, seamless. It's a bowler hat with a blossom hat on it.

You any good at fighting? Oh, we good at fighting? We good at fighting? Is, we good at fighting? We good at fighting? Is a baston a virgin? Oh, I still am. Yeah, we good at fighting. Fighting a big part of your religion. We keep ourselves real nice.

That said, as I've said, they all do look real nice, as Ben said, which I find gross for some reason. But they all do look real nice, as Ben said, which I find gross for some reason. But they all do look very fit. As I said, there's only about 15 of these yurts, so they are quite small in numbers. It seems that however big this religion ever got, and it's possible it never got very big, there's not that many adherents now.

Why you no fight the controller? This is the Filge way. This bad make good. Don't think too much. Yeah, me know, and Krag looks a little bit ashamed.

Grey Filge, it kind of complicated. Targ? We, the controller, you see the great pyramid shamed. Gravefield, it kind of complicated. Tog? We, the controller, you see the great pyramid in the sky, you see never? And he points out to the huge floating ziggurat that's been floating over the city since you came here. Mm-hmm. Kassus, the controller since the great war with Karkosa,

control all, slowly but surely, take over city, take over but surely take over city take over all cities on coast take over all cities on world but we have planned to stop him even now and he points at banknote and says that's why you tell us keep eye out for big rocks and look as with that he pulls out a big piece of cured leather hide with a chalk sketch on it, and he says, what do you think of this? And he passes it over to you, and you can see that it is the unmistakable shape of a netherese lodestone.

This is a lodestone. Read about these before, but I've never seen one before with my very own two eyes. And I guess now I'm also not seeing one with my very own two eyes. It's just a drawing, isn't it? Yep, good to know. I guess now I'm also not seeing one with my very own two eyes. It's just a drawing, isn't it? Yep. Good to know. Good to know.

That's a very strange way to say simple concept. But we find, we find not, we find not this drawing, but thing this drawing represents, signifier attached to this sign, that right tag to sociology. I find this lodestone out there. And he points to the south and he goes, far from here through stoneways in Bladyard. Bladyard.

Go to Bladyard. Oh man, let me fill you in on Bladyard. Bladyard the bits. We don't like go to Bladyard. We much prefer play softball, guess hardball now. We don't like Goat Blade Yard We much prefer to play softball Guess hardball now

Have to change t-shirts Yeah, thanks a lot God No, it's fine It's fine It's kind of my big legacy Okay guys, Dragon Huddle Yes Come in, alright

Okay So, Lodestone Getting back to the past Where I assume we want to go Maybe, I don't know But what is on my mind now Is talking to my people Inspiring my people And look, look, we're not going to just leave this world

This way Look at the world as it is My beautiful Balinox Despoiled by the befouling hand of Karsus and the Trollers. This is good stuff I could be using in front of my people, okay? This is wasted, all right? Well, if you did go somewhere, why not go somewhere? Just walk through mud, go stoneways.

Exquasmway? Where are you trying to go? To the Temple of Love and Sadness. I have a rather important appointment. Targ looks at Clagg and she shrugs. She's still quite obviously irritated about the softball thing. And he pulls out more soil and he sort of wipes it on the wall next to him as it turns into mud. And you go, two lefts then right.

That big fancy building in city, yes, Basilica? Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. Two lefts and rights. And you, great crag, should come with us. Me? For today is a uniting of the four schools of religion of this land into one way. Right, the dragon way. Bobby, like, climbs up the front of, like, Baston's Baston's shirt and just slaps him in the face.

Ow, ow. Oh, thank you, I assume. What was that for? What are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing? First of all, you're going to get in there. And you're going to clam up like the proverbial clam. You don't know that.

You don't have this at all. What are you talking about? You are not helping my confidence. We all know the proverb about the clam everybody. But Bobby, just tell us the proverb about the clam that we've all known about. The proverb of the clam is the clam stays clam shut. The mouth doesn't talk, the words don't come out.

It's not going to work. Second of all, if you don't want this super land to ever exist, then all we have to do is get to the lodestone And get out of here Oh look I think Clank looks at you and goes You don't want me to exist?

No no no The bad stuff The pollution We fix it and make it better for you Wait wait wait When you change worlds what happened to me? Aww I think I can answer this As a person who's studied chronomancy.

My understanding is that if they go back in time and they change the past, we continue to exist in our future. But they will create another branch of the timeline away from ours. We won't die, but they will be able to live a second truth in their own reality. So if they destroy a world or say make mad vampire take over it and enslave everybody and then don't fix it, but go forward in time,

those people suffer forever? I mean, unless they fix it themselves, sure. Wait a second. Are you saying we have to go back to every single timeline and fix it? There isn't one way to combine the timelines and just, like, move it? Wait, how theoretical is this? Dave, do you want to do a time studies check?

No, Banknote knows what he's talking about. Banknote, you're right, is an expert in archaeomancy. Hello. With a minor in chronomancy. See, we can't just walk away from these people i won't walk away from my people the most beautiful and sad of all peoples but aren't we all beautiful and sad we don't even know you you might have a cool fan club well i don't know because we haven't been there yet. Oh, so this is what this is about.

This is what this is about. Alright. We're going to show one of your little people now. What about me? Me, famous for me inspiring speeches. You feel like waste for me not to give good speech right now. Okay, I'll go for it. It's easy.

I'll show you how to do it. Okay, show me. Okay, everyone ready to be inspired. It's easy. I'll be sure you have Bastogne. I'll be sure you know how to do it, Bastogne. Okay, sure. I want to see it. Okay, everyone ready to be inspired? Yeah. All right, listen up. Craig, stop sulking. My people, I see you before me, a sea of hats.

Just how me always dreamed. You're strong strong and brave people but you lose your fight you lose your way you're not like rock strong and hard and standing way of bad you like mud slippy, sloppy, ooey gooey, you move this way, you move that way, who cares, play softball. Nice braids though, Craig. But you must be like rock. You must not be mud no longer. And like rock is made of lots of little bits of different tiny rock come together called sedimentary rock. So we must be the rock that bring together the other rock. We bring together the friso lava rock. We bring together bastons, nice sparkly rock.

We bring together whatever Bobby's rock people are like. We bring together whatever bobbies rock people are like. Yeah, whatever. Pebbles, let's say. For example. And under great amount of pressure, as you face this battle against the controller, you become one big rock, unstoppable, crushing all in your path and finally you roll as one and then she straight away turns to pass on like this see

two things i'm gonna give you a dice of inspiration for that a free roll because that was fantastic with advantage it make for me a persuasion check oh that's a natural 20 my dear friend the great crag gets to her feet and said says me understood the gist of that We go with the Bat Friends. We go with them wherever they go. Bring my stuff. As I said, she already has her war hammer, but another goblin wearing a hat, inexplicably advertising, I believe, the 1998 film John Grincham's The Rainmaker,

walks in with a backpack and a small picnic basket with a packed lunch and hands both of them to the Great Clag as she walks towards you and she says, Stoneway's yours, Bat Friends, wherever you want to go. You tell us

and we draw the way through the mud. So should we go collect all other religions? You want to pop into your little speech now, Bastard? Well, look, I made an appointment. I just feel like there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot. I should be there.

You know, it's my church. Yeah, yeah. I mean, will you get stage fright if all clags come? No, no, no. It's going to be fine. I'm going to nail this. Glammy, glammy, glammy, glammy, glammy, glammy. Don't.

Why? You're not helping me, Bobby. You're being mean. I pick up Bobby. I throw him away. You throw him away? I hold him to his sleeve so he can't throw me away. You're standing on a cliff two-thirds up.

Let's get those dice out. See if Bobby kills. I pick him up. Don't get so so embarrassed he kills Bobby no just yeets him off a cliff and that's that Baston picks up Bobby

and throws him into the stone where he's mud as Baston as Bobby tumbles head over heels and Baston stalks after him the rest of you follow eyes to you yeah oh come on phil g's i didn't mean to get so mad with the phil jites

marching in step behind crag and phil and as you see that um as the as you said two rights and a left walk plunging through the mud it opens up on the side of a beautiful marble fountain with the mud already beginning to dry off it. And which is, as I said, the figure of resplendent of the great and first prophet Baston in Drurovich spitting water with his hands held spread out like wings that is in the central courtyard of the basilica. wings that is in the central courtyard of the basilica and you see the grand steps leading up to the basilica and a crowd is gathered around them the doors are shut and there is a piece of paper you can see that has been nailed to the door oh what's it say on the paper right as you walk up

all of the bastionettes that see you start to part, unsure, as you walk up and pull the paper from the doors. And it says, by the order of Cassus, he who controls all, the bastionette religion is hereby outlawed under penalty of refusing to pay their tithes. This is my word and my word is law. And then there is a K emblazoned on a triangle. Standing beside you, looking very unsure, is Six Brother Bedford the monk. What is the meaning of this? What? What? What?

We tried... Where's the... What? What? My lord, we... We did as you said. We stopped paying the tithes, but they came. And then the great crag's like, you stopped paying tithe? What idiot told you to do that?

Oh, you gotta pay tithe. We exiled and we still pay tithe. Oh, man. We tried so hard to, as you say, take a chill pill. We begged of them as they slaughtered us to take a chill pill. But they didn't take a chill pill. They wouldn't take a chill pill. They took nine sister Mysonia up to nether,

and they shut the gates of the basilica for good. Oh, what? There's not even like a seven-day grace period or anything? This is ridiculous. Shutting down my whole religion off one back payment? Well, so do I have no disciples anymore? Well, as I said, there is a crowd that were trying to get to the evening sermon scattered around the steps. You're standing at the top of the steps with six brother Bedford holding the thesis that has been nailed to the doors of the doors.

All right. I'm going to kick the doors open. Okay, great. Make for me. I've got a speech to give. Make for me a little fly kick check. A little strength check. Oh, shit.

Where are my dice? Okay. Roll a little strength check. Yes. shit. Where are my dice? Okay, roll a little strength check. Yes, sick. Oh, yeah. 21. Okay, there is a splintering crack as Baston's, and it's the sound of Baston snapping his leg forward

and hitting the timbers of the doors. There's a crack like a gunshot, and they fall down on either side of him. As he's silhouetted by the light shining through the stained glass windows at the far end of the cathedral, he turns around, his hair dazzling in the light, and beckons for his children, I assume, to come in with him. As they file into the cathedral, Bedford is now beside himself.

This is just like when Martin Luther fly-kicked his... Six Brother Bedford is like, the controllers, they will have spies here. They will have seen this. What they had done to us before, they will visit ten times upon our head now. Let them come,

for all the land will also hear of this. Of the day the Filgites, the Frisomites, the Pancakeans, and the Bastanets were united again against Karsus' despotic

reign. For rocks, thieves, whatever Friso stands for I was thieves alright whatever the pancakes I haven't met the pancakiens yet

what is it Bobby? Secrets secrets love sadness what is it? Don't forget rocks rocks I said rocks did I say rocks? We're all made of... Did you say thieves? Because I was thieves. Thieves? Yes, thieves. Bobby is secrets.

As you give this incredibly profound and not at all confusing and meandering speech, lo and behold, figures start to rise. The bastionettes as you address them stand up in the pews at the back of the church. As you talk of the philgites, they stand with their backs to the light,

looking smiling and beatific in their collection of weird merchandising hats. As you mentioned, the god of secrets and invoke his name, his agents, hidden as they are through all parts of New Island, His agents, hidden as they are through all parts of New Island, are slinging themselves down an entire cascading line of invisibility cloaks, dropping off shoulders as Pancakeian agents in the rafters of the church look down at you with interest. Everybody looks around, waiting for the Frieza mites to appear. There is no one.

Only Frieza. Yeah. There is no one. Only Frisa. Yeah? We are all one. The way of the Bastionettes. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What? What? I'm kind of in the middle of something, but I will take a question.

Yes, you. Jeremiah Sneed, second shadow of the Reed Pancakeians yes you say everyone where are the Frieza mites Frieza's right here

hi yes sorry hello Frieza Friezaficin also known as Frieza the first I have one remaining spell slot and then

and then another person sort of creeps out of the darkness yeah I have a question too if you're here then where are you And then another person sort of creeps out of the darkness. Yeah, I have a question too. If you're here, then where are all your disciples? Me? Are you talking to me? Sorry, was that for me? Sorry, everyone.

You're kind of shifting the focus away from me. If you just say who on the panel you're referring to, that'll make things a lot easier. I have a question for Freezo. Sorry. This is a question for Freezo. Hello. Yeah, sorry.

We'll tell you what we do. We send magic sending stone down aisle of church. If you form line there, wait for sending stone, then say your question. And it has to be a question. It can't just be a comment. And again, to any enforcers who are around, who are helping us sort of delegate the questions and that,

just remember we're meant to be polite to everyone. also if someone's going on feel free to be forceful i see friso i don't see any frisomites that's a question but that sorry that is more of a statement that is more of a statement sorry that's a bit more of a comment than a question okay next please next yeah is there another question without frisomites, we're still schismatic. We're still three churches. If Frisomites ally with Cassus, then he will have enough power to take us over. Where are Frisomites?

Again, that did seem like more of a... Is the question where are the Frisomites? Because, again, you started off with more of a comment then, didn't you? Where are Frisomites? Me have questions, says the Great Craig. Great Craig, who's the question for? again that you started off with more of a comment then didn't you where are frizomites me have questions says the great crag great crag who's the question for this for baston uh yes great crag you me forgot to use toilet before we left is there toilet in church uh Yes. I don't know my way around specifically, but

I'm sure that the little guy here who worships me can tell you. Thank you. Another little elf puts his hand up and is like, I have a question for Baston as well. Yes.

What was it like working with George Clooney? Was he like a prankster on set? Because you hear a lot of these rumours, but I guess I just don't know. Just the best. The nicest man I've ever really worked with. He took me into his trailer one time, and he just had so many of those cafe pods in there. As many as he wanted, he said. It was really cool.

And then one time we went water skiing at his house on Lake Como. Wow. Really amazing. Next question. Before the next question can be asked, you suddenly hear footsteps running up the steps leading up to the basilica as a young friar, handsome but very juvenile, bursts through the destroyed doors and says,

Six Brother Bedford, the trawlers, they must have found out about this illicit sermon. They're gathering in the square. There must be hundreds of them. And there are hundreds of us. We will face them this day and free this land from tyranny. Does everyone have weapons? You look around and it has to be said that beyond the Filgites

who are heavily armed, nobody really has weapons. It would be so good if the speech from Braveheart ended, does anybody have weapons? I'm going to take Alfredo! Sorry, did everyone remember to bring their swords? What did you think we were here to do? What did you think this was about? Do you think I like to get myself up like this on this horse?

All right, well, do we have one between two? Do we have one between two? Do we have one between two? Can we share? Targ looks at you and says, stoneways will hold. We can escape through stoneways. That wall looks stone bearing. He points to sort of the wall behind the altar.

Bastionettes, we ride tonight. And by ride, we mean tonight And by ride we mean Run away Yes, that is what we mean But look Grab anything that looks sharp And you might be able to use the weapon Also your best stuff

We want to look good Ransack Temple, you're saying Ransack Temple? As one of them starts pulling like candelabras off the walls and tapestries and just gold Baston Baston actually

gets straight into that and starts ransacking as well let's do this alright as the temple starts to be torn apart by ancient you know beautiful antique chairs

splintered into clubs etc etc the crowd begins to work together as you see the Bastionettes working with the Pancakians, working with the Filgites, as Targ looks at Filge uneasily and say, This okay, Big Chief? Commandments say only Filgites in stoneways. These outsiders.

Yeah, your commandments say play softball too, sir. You don't worry about that. This give Tug much to think about, as he says, and he pulls out his little sack of soil again and starts to smear it. He looks at you one more time and says, just need know where we go. To House of Pancakes. Okay. To House of Pancakes. Okay, and with that, he Shield Bankanet, stream in, followed by the Filjite Rock Formation and the Great Crag,

followed by a crowd streaming more and more and more of Bastionette side by side with Pancakey and side by side with Filjite, side by side with Friezo Friezofferson, one spell slot remaining. A great union is formed on its way to the House of Pancakes where it seems it will be time for a final showdown with the controller of new Ilanar and the enemies that he does not yet know he already has

that they called the Bat Friends. Thank you. Yay. Wop, wop, wop, wop. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments by Tom Cady. Shakira Khan is our producer.

The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded from our homes in this upsettingly long return to the age of isolation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend.

A fucking dragon friend.