Dragon Friends - #7.14. The Time of Ignatius Bumm

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

The great religions of New Eileanar are rallying, and now only one thing stands between The Dragon Friends and an attempt at revolution; the approval of the leader of the shadowy House of Pancakes. Also a Ghost Tour. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ben, do you want to get us back onto the track of the adventure? I don't, I don't, David, I don't know how. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. The Third Age is an age of order, of control,

and of absolute obedience to the one they call the Controller. Karsus the Archmage entombed within his flying citadel of Neva that benevolently watches over the suffering people of New Ilanar. Forced to siphon off precious life force to maintain Neva's failing systems, this is a people whose lives are piteous and wretched, but they do it with devotion for the promise of something more, a life eternal in the service of four gods that they call the Dragon Friends. Those gods are back, and the situation is quickly deteriorating. The Basilica of the Bastionettes is occupied by troller forces, the Filgites have been exiled from their ancestral homes,

the Frisomites cut each other open for the right to be the first to kill their own god. But one sect we have seen very little of, that secretive shadow cult of the god of secrets, devotees of one Robert Pancake's halfling scoundrel. With a gathering of followers of every faith, you have made your way even now toward the House of Pancakes, traveling those secret stoneways of the Filchites. There is blood on the streets. A priestess is imprisoned, a Netherese lodestone identified in the wastelands beyond the city, Hello!

Hello! Sneed! Sneed? You sneed. That's such a... That has changed the genre of this reveal significantly, Ben. Okay, you walk, you all step out of the stone ways into now what seems like quite a strangely abandoned work yard, the centre of which is a sort of Dickensian figure, I suppose. A halfling with little silver buckles on his shoes. Fingal's gloves.

Yeah. Is he wearing a top hat that's been opened by a can opener? Yeah. Also on his face. He's got a top hat that has so obviously been opened by a can opener that a can opener is embedded in it. He's hitting a shoe with a knife and fork. And it's full of beans.

It's a shoe full of beans. Has he got like a natty little, you know, suit on with tails? Yeah, the artful Jeremiah Sneed, second shadow of the cult of secrets. Does he have a little cricket living in his hat? Yes, we have two NPC performers. Eden has always famously played the second-ranked NPCs. And yes, he has a little cricket in his hat. The cricket's name is Ellermonster Trotwood.

And he's got an even smaller suit on with an even smaller hat. And he lives inside the hat. All hail the House of Pancakes. Hello. Mr. Sneed, hello. How do you know my name? No, I think you identified yourself when you were one of the spies. Oh, that's true.

That was in the basilica. We must not tarry. We must not what? That's what he said. He says we must not tarry. Must not. Okay. Where are we going?

What does tarry mean? Yeah, what tarry mean? Dilly dally. Dilly dally? That's how you're going to explain tar, is by saying dilly-dally. Terry, dilly-dally, um, lollygag. We mustn't, Terry, we mustn't bluff and stop. Oh, we can't dip-snap here.

There's things to be a-mumpton. Sorry, I didn't realise that Dragon Friends was now written by J.K. Rowling. Or Charles Dickens. Quick, there is violence upon us. Come with me if you want to live, he says. Sorry, what? I follow you. He's been psyching himself up for that moment for ages

because you've taken longer than he thought you would and he's really just flubbed. He's flubbed basically everything. But he's still got a cheerful disposition and a spring in his longer than he thought you would. And he's really just flubbed. He's flubbed basically everything. But he's still got a cheerful disposition and a spring in his step as he takes you through lanes and streets and avenues and parkways and crescents. Wow. Is this all in the warehouse?

I know. So, Ben, the stoneways has taken them to the warehouse. So he can try and lose them now or confuse them about the whereabouts, but this is definitely wasted energy. Well, he's got a little side hustle where he does a ghost tour and he thought he could get one of those in before. Yeah, sure. Is it the kind where they ask for tips at the end?

They do. So if you've enjoyed the tour. Mr Sneed, Mr Sneed, is this an old asylum we found ourselves in? Oh, indeed. It is an old asylum. Used to house the one they called Mad Maggie. And that is the end of the tour. Now, if you enjoy...

Because I just thought, like, you said that this was a matter of life and death, and now you've taken us on a ghost tour? What are ghosts but a matter of life and death? Elements to Trotwood is sort of flipping from person to person with a tiny hat for coins. And he's got a great bit of gear here where he says, and if you enjoyed the tour, please tell your friends. If you didn't, a little bit of shush.

We call this the free fringe. It doesn't mean we don't like to get paid. Just to be clear, of all the people who are like followers and stuff who are at the temple, have they come through or is it just us? Yeah, and they're so confused. There was a revolutionary fever in the air

at the beginning of this journey. And then they press ganged into a ghost tour. Phil Giants, Bastionettes and Pancakeians have dove out into the warehouse that is clearly adjacent to the House of Pancakes. And you are now doing some kind of poorly conceived ghost tour. Do you know what it is, Dave? Do you know what it is? And I've been meaning to raise this with you whenever we chat about Dragon Friends

and I always forget in that so many times, I would say nine times out of 10, when I read your spiel, it is so obvious that the first line will be from an NPC I'm playing. Yeah. But it does not go in when I'm reading it until i hear

you say it and then i panic and take them on a ghost that's where the pause comes from that's why there's always a pause but can i say can i say that the great crag is loving it so friso's gonna get out his little coin coin person go up to jeremiah and be like look i i don't really know what the like what's the going rate on this? Like, I don't know, like two copper coins? Whatever you can spare. Change is as good as a holiday, I say, and this change can take me on a holiday. But let me tell you, we love the money that falls, not the money that clings.

I'll give you like three copper coins, I guess. Ah, very good. Three copper coins. And Filge leans in and says, that's for the group. As he takes the money and nods, he looks at you, dusts his fingerless fingers, his finger full fingers. His fingerless fingers? His finger full fingers of his fingerless

gloves on his natty little lapels and then checking that the coast is clear as he has now established an alibi for all of you he knocks three times on a brick on the wall behind him which recesses slightly and then an entire section of the wall groans groans and moves open, revealing stairs leading down into the darkness. Ooh. Now this is good. Alright, let's go. Not part of the tour. Tour's over. Bobby's excited and heads are down. Did anyone die on these stairs?

I'm not at liberty to say my ghost tour is done. What was that creaking sound I just heard? Yeah. Normal creaking, ghost mode off. If you want to see the show again, guys, come back same time tomorrow. All right.

This is a very small, cramped stairway. Is it haunted, Dave? I know that Steve can't tell us, but you could tell us, Dave. I don't. I can check. Oh, yeah, yeah. Friso's going to do a ghost check. Yeah. Okay, no, no, us, Dave. I don't. I can check. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Frieza's going to do a ghost check. Yeah.

Okay, no, no, no, no. You're not doing a ghost check. I will let you. What about a history check of whether anyone has died on those particular stairs in horrifying circumstances? Weirdly, I'm not going to let you do history checks. Just a quick little check, Dave. No, I'm going to let you do checks,

but I'm not going to let you do a history check because this is an alternate timeline, so there's no way Banknote could do a history check. I'll do a religion check then, I guess. Okay, all of you do insight checks for me. Ooh, insight. Ooh, I've got good insight. Yes.

Oh, 18 plus. 17. 17 total. Dave, I got a one. Okay. You're not sure. Filch, you were following this for a while, but you are not entirely sure what's going on.

Me feel shiver on back of neck for sure right now. But also you came out of the stone ways, and so you think that you might be back in your normal timeline and everything's sorted and you're back in Daggerford and everything's okay. That is stupid. That's a one. That does lack insight.

Who rolled? Did anyone roll well? I got 20, Dave. I got 17 as well. Baston and Friso, you both have the sense that this is fake. It looks not real. As you get closer to this workhouse, you get the sense that it is set dressing

rather than an actually disused work yard for some kind of factory and that everything here is artifice. Everything here looks... Oh, I get it. I see what's going on. I see this is hiding secrets. Very good. Very good, Pancakeians.

Show yourselves! Now, as I said, this stairwell is quite cramped, so a lot of the rabble that you have brought with you has stayed up in the work yard, but there is space for Six Brother Bedford for Jeremiah Sneed for the Great Crag to come with you and of course for

Edward Piss and Lion Shield Banknote. Edward Piss of course who famously got his dick out at the Capitol Insurrection am I getting that right Hing? Never forget I think that's right okay thank you yes so all of you make your way down these stairs into suddenly the dust and grime of

the workyard disappears and you find yourself in a very utilitarian space there is huge drafting tables like architectural drafting tables everywhere. Canvas, papers and vellum pinned to the walls. There are sending stones in each corner, large leaden crystal balls that glow with a strange blue light. And what even looks like a repurposed ether plug-in station, like the type that you found in the rooms when you first arrived in this world where ether can be sucked in or out sitting on a strange spiky throne in the corner currently abandoned and in the center of the room is a desk and at that desk with his back to you is the figure of a halfling although you can see even from here that his hair is old and sear, almost gone.

A wispy beard is tucked artfully into his shirt so that he will not blot the ink of a giant tome in which he is writing almost mechanically. And as you walk into the room, he puts up a finger to stop you all from saying something and finishes writing a sentence into his tome. Carefully puts a piece of blotting paper

between the pages and then closes the tome before turning towards him. And you hear him mutter, and that's how I got my hat. Which finger was it, Dave? It was an index finger on his right hand. Good to know.

It would be quite rude if it was a middle finger. Fuck off! That's what I was hoping. Finishing my book. He turns to face you and you can see that despite the white wizened face, it's clearly a very, very old halfling. However, his eyes are bright and aware. Welcome.

I understand that you've had some difficulties getting here. My little birdies have told me that you've been causing quite a ruckus in the streets. And as he says this, Jeremiah Sneed steps forward about to say something. He puts up a finger again and Jeremiah Sneed blanches, goes white, and steps right back into the corner of the room. Which finger was that finger? That was a middle finger.

Fuck off. Ghost tours, are you fucking kidding me? Don't you have a ghost tour to ruin? Which is good because it suggests that this guy thinks that ghost tours are good. But the Jeremiah Sneed does them badly. Well met, Bobby and Friso and Filch and Bastogne. Great Crag. It has been some time since I saw you last.

And she just kind of nods. You guys used to fuck or what? That's not something to discuss now. Oh, yeah, big time. That's not something to discuss now. Oh, yeah, big time. Sorry. We in polycule. Hello, I'm also here.

My name is Banknote, Lion Shield Banknote. This is my associate, Edward Piss. You might know him from the news where you saw him be arrested for, again, getting his dick out at the Capitol insurrection. Yes, banknote, we are familiar with both the activities of you and your associate, Mr. Pierce. I just feel like Edward Pierce is a probably quite qualified academic, and there are other ways to introduce your associate. Mr. Pierce, I enjoyed reading your dissertation on the lack of evidence around the stoneways. It had some problems,

but it was an enjoyable read nonetheless. What did you think about his hog that he got out? I'm not here to talk about the hog of Edward Pierce. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. Why does that sound like a Charles Dickens story? I mean, that's the title of the podcast, right? But he didn't finish before he died. The mystery of Edward Druid

and the hog of Edward Pierce. How has our show gotten more stupid? It started out so stupid. I always thought it was our audience who were egging us on to be fucking dipshits, but I'm in a car by myself. I gotta say, look, far be it from me

to give Dave credit for jokes on the reg here in this podcast, but I gotta say, the mystery of Edwin Drood is such a fucking Charles Dickens deep cut. It's an on point, and then to go from that, the mystery of Edwin Drood is such a fucking Charles Dickens deep cut. It's an on point. And then to go from that to the mystery of Edwin Piss's hog, I think you might be the smartest podcast on the fucking planet.

I'm just too dumb to get it. I just hear the hog stuff. So can I just jump in at this point and say a little bit that Edwin Piss and Banknote would know, which is that for all of the other mysterious ways of the other religions, the Pancakeans, their activities are public, but their ways are inscrutable. So if you need a secret, you need to bring a secret to the Pancakeans. If there's something that you need, information has a value and they are the only ones that truly understand it. They maintain a sense of equilibrium, not just amongst the faiths, but amongst between the people and the trollers.

And they are brokers of information's illicit and transgressive inside the city. And they have been this way for a thousand years. If you need to know something something you find a pancake in and the first of them the first shadow of their order is this eldritch illustrious and dignified figure whose name ben is my name is not important whose name is i asked you to come up with a name and then you said no that's his name his name is And then you said, no, that's his name. His name is K-N-O-T-M Portent.

I am first shadow of the House of Pancakeans. But given that we are in the presence of not one but four deities, you may call me Ignatius Bum. Well, Mr. Bum, first of all, can I say, Ignatius, can I call you Ignatius? Yes, call him Ignatius. Let's all agree to call him Ignatius. Would you rather be Mr. Bum? I would rather be called by my full name, Ignatius Bum. Well, Ignatius Bum, as I said before, like your banknote at your service,

I know very well that if I want some information out of you, what I must offer you is a secret. That's right. And so I have in my possession. And as you offer a secret, he turns to a blank page of his ledger and he looks at you suddenly interested. I have, in fact, one of the juiciest secrets of them all. It is regarding my associate here, Edward Piss,

whose hog you may remember. This is about Edward Piss's hog. I feel like you might be wasting the time of Ignatius Spum. I think the time of Ignatius Spum is also a good podcast episode name. I think Bobby goes up to the desk in front of everybody and just sort of leans in and just says, Ignatius Bum. Yes.

So, you know who I am. I know who you are. We have based a religion around you. But do you know what I am? I know who you are. We have based and a religion around you. But do you know what I am? You are a god, as our teachings dictate. You are the god of secrets. Nothing can be kept from you and all secrets must be offered to you. Very good. Very good indeed. That sounds nice. What is juiciest on the list today? Even when talking to the god of secrets himself, a secret must be offered up.

Bobby Pancakes, what do you offer? Does it have to be juicy? Oh, it has to be juicy. Does it have to be juicy? Oh, it has to be juicy. He's really less of an inscrutable shadow broker and more of a sort of Perez Hilton figure, isn't he? They're all sitting around like in the TMZ offices, by the way. How about this then?

Would you like this as a secret? The god of love and sadness is a virgin. This is court. Everyone fucking. That's the first commandment, man. We met his virgin, his vestal virgin followers. What he requires from all of you, a secret that is freely given is no true secret so if you want his help he requires a you to tell him a secret that's one of your party would wish not to be known that's what he's

looking for a secret that another dragon friend would rather he not know that's the stuff. That's the good shit. That's what Ignatius Bum wants. And in return, you will tell us how to defeat Cassus and the Trollers and free the enslaved peoples of this land? And get the lodestone? My understanding is that you come not to praise Cassus as he would have it, but to bury him. You will need the help of all the factions if you wish to achieve this. Ben is so happy about the fact that he just quoted Julius Caesar

and nobody is giving him anything. No, I just, whatever, man. Who's Julius Caesar? You fucking did some dickens and this was from even before that. Even before that. Who's Julius Caesar? Yeah, who's Julius Caesar? Yes.

She was in the polycule with me and the great crag. Anyway. What happened between you and Julius Caesar? It was complicated and I do not wish to discuss it any further. Frieza's going to call a dragon huddle. Frieza's like, oh, okay, can we do a quick dragon huddle?

One second, Mr. Bum. Please, Ignatius Bum. Ignatius Bum says, I will acquiesce to your so-called huddle, but understand that a secret that is freely offered is no true secret. Wait, so does that mean I've got to tell you something that someone else doesn't want you to know? Is that what you want me to do?

Without getting their permission. Once I was walking... Okay, here we go. Once I went for a walk and it was raining and I went in the pond and I was near a pond and me walking in a puddle and me hit the slip over because me running too fast and me fell over and me landed on duckling.

Filch accidentally slipped over and killed a baby duckling by landing on it and then hid the body and told no one and she also fucked uh banknote's dad what

what did we ever fuck well you tell me oh well I think if it was a secret I would What? Did we ever fuck? Well, you tell me. Oh, well. I think if it was a secret, I would happily tell everyone. That would be extremely freely given information. That's pretty amazing. So you say this, and as you tell this story,

Filge, it spills out of Filge like catharsis, as Filge just sort of reels out the time that she accidentally sat on a baby duckling. Me still hear the noise it make when me go to sleep at night. And he's like got his pen up and he's like, I'm going to need to record the noise. Okay, ready? Uh-huh. And she's got tears streaming down her face. Blah, blah. And she's got tears streaming down her face. And he writes down an onomatopoeic version of whatever the fuck that was.

Got it. And then he takes from his next to his hand. And there is a small vellum sack and he puts his hand into it and he pulls out a iron disc and the disc has on it a symbol of a closed eye and he takes that that little disc and he passes it to you phil and he says for when time comes. And he gives you the little disc. What time? When the time comes. Yeah, which time and when? No, but that's the point.

Just put the disc in your pocket. Me ruining the moment? Yeah. Okay. Okay, Filch, you take the item. Hey, so me feeling pretty raw right now. Anyone else got any secrets? Me feeling like me really put myself out there.

Before we go any further, do you see this? Can we beat Karsus? Is there a way to do it? Do we do all the Pancakeans, the force of the Pancakeans with the Filgites, with the Bastionettes? Can we overthrow them? Karsus is more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Well, actually, I don't know what you can imagine. Maybe you can imagine someone really powerful.

Maybe you can imagine a gun that blows up the world every shot and it has a million shots and fires a million shots. That's probably too powerful. You've gone too far. With like a guy with like elephants for arms and rhinoceroses for legs. That's not powerful enough. Somewhere between those two power levels. Somewhere between.

It's very powerful. What about a guy with a really big rock and the rock says fart? Oh, and he doesn't want to offend the Phil Giants. Oh, Nelly. That's the kind of power that I wouldn't want to meddle with. Jesus Christ, these Phil Giants. There is a way. If the power of the four faiths align,

that is a power far greater than Kars's. The four twin faiths of Aelinara, the opiate that keep the masses working for him, the trollers are outnumbered in this city, and he knows it. If you can combine the power of those faiths, you can unite this city and we can rise

up against that citadel in Never. And he points up at the citadel floating over the city and there is nothing that we cannot accomplish. But if any of these faiths turn against you, then I fear for the people. And then after he does that big speech,

he takes a hat and just sort of holds it out and starts. Fuck you, I'm doing my best. Okay, I guess I don't know how many coins to give you for that. What is it, like three copper coins for this? No, that's secrets. Give him a secret. You want a secret? Well, also, folding money is...

I'll give you a secret. Try this on for size. None of us are really gods and we just made it up. Hmm. Just quietly, that was going to be my secret as well, but feel free to use it. There's a pause and he looks at you and puts his quill down. We didn't want you to know that.

Jeremiah. They don't have these religions around us. Jeremiah, leave us. I mean, look, to be honest, I've got less to lose than everyone else because everyone in my religion killed each other. So, but, you know, I still would like to be remembered as a god,

but now you know I'm not. Hmm. Jeremiah, why don't you take our guests except for our four let's continue to call them deities on a spooktacular trip down the cobblestones. Great Clagg claps visibly, excited.

Oh, come on, I've already seen all the ghosts here. I don't need to go and see another ghost. All right, Mr. Piss, let's go. Okay, bank note, Mr. Piss, Six Brother Bedford, Jeremiah Sneed, and fucking Ellen Munster, Trotwood, and all of the other very wonderfully named characters of this adventure and season wander upstairs as the figure arthritically gets up from his chair, takes a key from around his neck, and locks the door behind them.

Now it is just you and him, the five of you all together in the room. We're not gonna do a polycule thing if that weren't you locked the door for. No, no, my friends. I'll take this one for the team. I've got a secret. I'm really horny. Will you come with me how do you spell that sorry

and he um but firstly he goes on to ask if you are not gods why and how have you come to this place wait you didn't know that you were the first shadow of the Pancakeians and you didn't know that we weren't gods? Way to let your god down, who's also not a god.

Yes, I think we just called that a washout. Because in what likelihood would we be gods? In what likelihood would this whole thing not be an idea cooked up by Cassius to control the masses? Well, you know, he says, and he turns to a different section in his book and he says, I do have one theory, if you will just give me a moment. Sure. Do you know the name Vowel?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, S, we sort of make it our business to come into contact and to collect artifacts from old Netheril. When I was a younger man,

I found a diary of hers you see she was taken down in that air crash uh that's the kicked this whole fiasco off but she lived long enough to write some things down and as he says this as he says this he moves he's searching through his book and then he finds a chapter at the very back of this very large book where cut into the illuminated script is a little container and inside that container is a key and he takes that key and he walks over to his desk and there's a very small drawer at the bottom and he opens it and pulls it out and you can see what looks like an incredibly old book. And next to it, a pair of archivist's silk gloves,

which he puts on, takes the book and puts it on his desk. Don't touch this. Only I have the special gloves. Can I have a go of the gloves? No. You can't have a go of the gloves. Get your own gloves. Where'd you get the gloves from?

I got them from the shop. Another fantastic podcast title. There's something so funny about someone grubbly saying, I got them from the shop. You want gloves, you go to the glove shop. Not even the glove shop, just the shop. No information, just completely unhelpful and so grumpy. I came into possession of this diary when I was younger,

and it tells the story, which may sound familiar, of four time travellers, or chrononauts, as Val calls them, who were sent forward and backward in time through old Nethere's magic. Is this ringing any bells? Big time. Yeah. Ding dong, keep going. And when I read that, I had something of a revelation.

Everything around me, everything that I had built my life on up until that point was a lie. But do you know what I realized? I realized that some lies are as useful as secrets. And if Val was right, which that was a big if, you would one day come back. So I dedicated my entire life to waiting and waiting until that day came. It was touch and go for a while. I was sick with colic of the dick and almost passed away five years ago. And that would have been lousy. Colic of the dick?

Yeah. It's a horrible disease where your dick gets colic. Is it like a little cough? The humours in your dick align. Like crying? Yeah. Your dick just coughs and little bits of dust come out. Wait, your dick has different humours to your body?

Oh, I mean, I don't know who's asking this, but read a fucking book. Not this one, you don't have the gloves. What are the humours of the dick, Ben? You can't get away from this this easily. Colic and stiffy.

Are you talking about like having a phlegmatic dick and a sanguine dick? Yeah, all those things. But I survived and was here when one thousand years... I'm sorry, how did you catch colic of the dick? How does one...

Where did you get it? I was in a polycule. Yeah, I heard he got it from Julius Caesar. That was the secret that I dared not tell. She had colic of the pussy. No, all No alright stop it No no we are doing this I know it's hard I know it's locked down

I know that we've been doing more of these Than we thought we were going to do And every two weeks Ben gets in his car And we try and record an episode of Dragon Friends but we are stopping this Right now and I've been bad I've helped but I'm drawing a line In the sand as the grown up on this podcast

and we are not going to go into whether or not what is his name? Ignatius Bum got a case of colic of the dick from Julius Caesar Who had? Who had?

Another colic A vaginal colic. What was it, Alex? He didn't. It was colic of the pussy. Okay. And I won't sit here, Dave. Moving on.

I won't sit here, Dave, but you erase the experience of Julia Caesar, okay? Because she... Classic pussy colica rager. She got it from Cleopeta. Okay, now. Okay, we're back on track. We're back on track.

And I waited, and I waited, and I waited until 1,000 years after Val, not for me, it wasn't 1,000 years for me, I'm a normal person, so it was sort of, you know, I'm old.

But 1,000 years since she said she sent you forward, you would arrive. And it was touch and go for a second time because my anus fell off. Sorry, your name is Ignatius Bum? Yeah. And you have no anus right now? I got better.

What's the opposite of a Dickensian name? You know in Dickensian names how it's like, you know, Mr Thievery will be a robber or whatever? That's not Dickensian. You're talking about romantic theatre. Oh, sure, whatever. What's the opposite of that then? If you have someone called Ignatius Bum and their bum falls off.

Is that like an ironic dramatic irony? That's the Ignatius Bum principle. It's made famous by Tolstoy. I think actually it was Anton Chekhov that said that if a character is called Ignatius Bum and their bum falls off before the third act, that's fucking drama, baby. And so, secret for secret, after Filch told that real crook story about the duckling,

as you have guessed, Bobby, as I suppose in some ways, ironically, you do have the power of the God of Secrets that is mine, that I have known almost from the beginning that you are a fraud. And so I guess I have a secret on you, which is that you have willfully led these people to worship a false god. Well, and we know that your bum fell off. He right. false god using the power we know that your bum fell off he right that's not a secret that's not a lie you just lied to those people and you say that that is what's kept them under

thumb for so long in many ways you are part of the problem. You've been maintaining the myth of Bobby Pancakes the God to get people into the factories to have their juice sucked out for cars. Bobby, I never claimed to be a nice person. And what's more, what little I've been able to find out about you from the readings that I've done, I don't think you're a particularly nice person either. I don't think you're a particularly nice person either. See, it's exactly that sort of thing,

the thing you just did with your voice. But it seems, but he goes on to say, it seems you have me at an impasse. You are not wrong. We have, as they say, leverage on each other. So. I mean, I could snap that guy. Bob, you want me to snap that guy?

Yeah, I could touch the book with my fingerless gloves. I mean, my gloveless fingers. What's stopping us from just getting the little book and the big book and just like taking it to the center of town and making new secrets? I know many secrets. And as you would surely know a secret known by all has no value so if you wish to benefit from what I know I can help you however you can what do you need what is your plan what purpose do time travelers such as the four of you

have here masquerading as gods what is your end game look i know i kind of fucked up that moment back at the temple but there's time there's still time for us all two roads one to the north to the blade yard and into the past but before we take that road it seems that we must destroy carcass and destroy Karsus, and pull that thing pointing to the pyramid out of the sky. How do we do that? Me have sad idea. If it true that the religion is what keep everyone doing what Karsus say, we gotta tell everyone the truth. Even though me really like being God-free

So me know why you did all that stuff in that other season It rules It's so fun But I think I think we gotta We gotta tell everyone we're not gods And then maybe that will lead to Maybe they'll be so

Inspired by the fact that their lives are a lie That they will rise up against causes. No, I get the logic here. I get the logic here that he's been lying to them and maybe that'll... They're taking away the opiates of the masses. And if we know one thing about people who are addicted to opiates, it's cutting them off cold turkey is the best thing to do.

But how are we going to let them down? We're so inspiring. I know. Well, here's the other option. We just let this timeline go on its merry way into further dystopian ruin, and we just get our hands on a little lodestone and head on the fuck out of here

and leave them to their own devices. We should be a non-interventionist series of fake gods. That's my opinion. This is coming from a guy who fucked up his own religion, alright? This is the words of a guy without a religion. Well, none of you really have religions. You've just got, I mean, you're not real religions. You're all fake gods.

How dare you? How very dare you? I have brought faith, in my absence, I have brought faith to several dozen people that I know of that I've directly encountered, you know, and interacted with. So, look, my religion is doing a great job just because psychopaths follow you is not my fault. Well, not anymore. They don't. OK, OK. Listen, we don't have to fix anything.

We just have to tear down what we've made. So let's sow some chaos. That resolves us, right? That sort of sets the moral compass back to... Oh, because our original mistake was telling everyone we're gods. So, yeah, we tell people we're not gods. You know, it's like... Maybe it undoes everything.

Yeah, some logic there. Yeah, all right. And, you know, if stuff goes to shit, we hit that MF lodestone. I am not sure that you remember that I am still here. And unfortunately, hitting that MF lodestone is something that I simply

cannot allow you to do. In the time since reading Val's diaries, I've become something of a freak about the physics and the metaphysics behind chronomancy.

I'm of the opinion, and I've spoken to several scholars from your institution about this. Oh, wait, you're not in the room anymore opinion, and I've spoken to several scholars from your institution about this. Oh, wait, you're not in the room anymore. Well, I've spoken to people from a building about this. And there is a theory, a compelling theory, that if you leave and smash, as you say, that MF lodestone, then everything that I can see and touch and feel and remember will cease to be. And I'm afraid I cannot allow that to happen. Because I, even though I'm old and once had

colic of the dick and had my bum fall off I'm sort of attached to existing. So, you see the pickle that I'm in. If you believe there is a chance, I'm not saying a certainty, but I'm saying a pretty good chance that everything around will cease. All right, Dave, is there anyone else in the room or is it just the old man? It seems that you are in a room that is locked by him,

by a key around his neck, and is otherwise empty. Bear in mind, he is the head of a church that is called the Church of Secrets. So do you think there's going to be secret traps in this room, Dave? Is that what you're saying? I am not. I am an impartial observer to whatever you're about to do.

Me think maybe we throw over to Bobby for this one, maybe. He's a guy. Well, I mean, my instinct is to raise my crossbow to Ignatius' bum. Sorry, to Mr. Ignatius' bum or to Ignatius' bum. Sorry, to Mr. Ignatius' bum

or to Ignatius' bum? To Mr. Ignatius' bum. Bobby very slowly and cautiously and carefully raises the hand crossbow that he found in his adventures up until it is pointing at the chest of Mr. Ignatius' bum. The way I see it is you could take the chance of ceasing to be when we leave,

or you can cease to be right now. Ooh, ice cold. Ice cold, Bobby. He looks at you, and he smiles softly, and he says, I am not afraid of dying here today. Wait, but you're attached to living? Yes, but what are you afraid of then? I am attached to every being on this planet universe situation thing. Why? Because they were in your polycule?

Can we cut that out? Because they were in your polycule. Can we cut that out? I am a man with not long left, but I have children and I have grandchildren and I have friends and I just like people to exist. I don't need to personally benefit from being around. What kind of freaks are you that you can't see that? As you look at that, you realize, Bobby, that his eyes are shining with the light of a true zealot, a fanatic. This is not about his own life. This is about preserving the life of the universe he currently occupies.

Well, let's put it this way. You may not think I'm a very nice person, and that may be so. But we are still here. We came here instead of going straight to the lodestone because we want to fix what we started. So, why don't we do that first, and then we can discuss the rest of it What say you? Make for me a persuasion check

Big old dice time Thirteen I will remind you Alex That you have an inspiration dice from your speech If you want to use it I do Before I tell you if that was good enough You can make the decision if you want to use it i do before i tell you if that was good enough you can make the decision if you want to use it i reckon it wasn't good enough otherwise he wouldn't have

offered you the tray that's classic dave also just a bit of a daveologist uh i think from his voice that was that was bullshit that was not good can i add can i add something? Yeah, you can. What do you want to do? I'm going to raise my weapon. I'm going to raise my thunder's wake menacingly. And I will say, you call us false gods, bomb. But what is a god? What is a religion but an idea that people have faith in, that people believe in? Help us craft a new idea.

Let that idea spread. Secrets aren't powerful if everyone knows them, but ideas are powerful. And if everyone knows them, then they're even more powerful. I didn't stick it, did I? Make for me, using the advantage roll, make for me, Simon, a second roll so I can get your highest persuasion score. Dave, I'm going to get a four. Okay, 13.

13 was your highest roll. Ignatius Bum looks at you, smiles softly and says, you know, you're not really very persuasive. Not as persuasive as gods, perhaps as persuasive as time travelers a long way from home, but you do speak sense. Obviously, I am not a fool and this city is under oppression of an iron fist. You may not be allies to me, but you can still serve a purpose as enemies to my enemies.

If I can help you with that, without betraying my people and my purpose, and if I can know that we will persevere, I see no reason why we cannot work together. Where do you wish to go? To take down the pyramid in the sky.

Bring me your stone ways, travelers, the rock formations. I have maps of the bottom of Never. I can show them. No doubtlessly, they can find you a path up into the citadel that floats above us all. And as he looks at you, he takes his hand and he places it into the bag and he draws out three more tokens, each with a closed eye, and he hands one to Friso, and he hands one to Bobby, and he hands one to Bastard. He says, let this be our compact. Let this be our accord. You have done what they said would not be done.

For now, at least, the faiths of this city are working together. And if they can point themselves at salvation for its people, who knows yet what we may accomplish if we work as one. And as he says that, he makes a mark in his book, closes it, and puts his hand on the book and indicates for all of you to put your hands on top of his. Go, hands in. Hands in, everybody. Hands in.

Dragon. Friends! And Ignatius Bond. And picture, if you will, a man who was trying to create a moment that has become slightly diminished perhaps by a tawdry teenage chant nevertheless has begun something important because here in a city persecuted, a city under the grip of a tyrant who should never have amassed as much power as this,

one without an adversary for too long, one entombed now in a citadel destined to rule over a people from which he no longer draws joy and yet controls them still with the cunning of the Pancakians, with the strength of the Filgites, with the raw empathy of the Bastionettes, and with, I guess, Friso Frisovison,

level nine warlock, because he killed everyone else. Who knows what may yet be accomplished? To find out what that may be, tune in to the next episode of The Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Granner and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon,

with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments by Tom Cady. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded from our homes in this upsettingly long return to the age of isolation. Until next time. Friendship is forever.

Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. What is a god but someone whose fate lies in their hands? Wait, let me do that again. Okay, I will let you do that again Because I think you really didn't stick the landing there And I could feel that you were really gearing up to something

So from the top Felt good Do you want From the top You got to choose, Bobby, do you want to do it? Do you know what he says? It's COVID and everyone gets a second chance. And he says into like a little kind of pipe system

that leads somewhere else. He says, Hugh, don't worry about cutting that. That's my archivist, Hugh. And Phil's just like, please, please cut it. It'll be better. It'll be great. We're heading towards the ending for the show, Hugh, and we'll be really good if we, you know, just nailed that moment.

But, you know, well, it's up to you, Hugh, isn't it? Hugh, the archivist.