Dragon Friends - #7.16. You Can't Just Donk Them

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

The Dragon Friends have made their way to the Heart of Netheril at great cost. The only person who stands between them and their goal of returning to the past and correcting past mistakes is the great Karsus the Kind himself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it is Hing here. We've had so many people get in touch with us recently to ask when live shows are coming back. Well, if you meet the New South Wales Government vaccination and slash or testing requirements to attend a live comedy or entertainment show, boy howdy, do I have great news for you. We're doing shows again. Our very first Dragon Friends live show back post lockdown is at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Wednesday the 10th of November this will be the season finale it is next week so come along to that

be so good to see everyone, the whole gang will be there we've got special cocktails, it's going to be a blast as I said for the season finale, come along to that also I'm doing one final performance of my stand up show Kill Hang In The Name Of that is on Friday, the 19th of November, again at the Comedy Store

I know heaps of Dragon Friends fans couldn't get tickets to the first ones because a bunch of the notes were sold out back when I did it in May or whatever, but I'm doing it one more time come along to both shows, why not? Again, if you meet the requirements tickets are available from the Comedy Store website and hopefully

we'll see you there Bye Just before we start, can I say In my head I'm already designing the TV ads for Dave's Unethical Jokers Friendship is forever Friendship never ends It doesn't matter what time you're in You're still a dragon friend A fucking dragon brand

One thousand years since the high ages of Netheril And these forgotten realms are reduced to a carcass Slowly dying on a slab The extremities becoming cold and brackish Beset by war, by shortage, by famine But the slowly erratic beating of the heart still drums at its heart and its heart is currently suspended high above the pathetic spires of new island are pathetic in every way except for the hope already beating through the city as revolution spins in

the air. But that revolution has been given action and strength in the form of a strike force that is even now seeking to cut the heart out of the sky that strike force of course are four adventurers their adventuring friend and an old man that we call the dragon friends banknote and ignatius bum traveling up winding staircases that seem without end you have already fought the ardenites Banknote and Ignatius. Bum. Mm-hmm. Bum-bum. Travelling up winding staircases that seem without end, you have already fought the Ardenites that seem to defend this place and you are heading towards the beating heart of the Citadel, egged ever onward by the maps provided for you by Ignatius. True, you have lost a comrade.

True, you have found a knife. Maybe. You don't ever really lose an adventuring party. You gain their stuff. You find some stuff. You get some items. It is strange, it seems, are the vicissitudes of fate. And yet it seems that finally the winding staircase comes to an end.

As you see, it collapses into a porthole that needs opening. Now, is that you mispronouncing portal? Yeah, is it a different thing? Or is this a porthole? I'm very happy for that to be the problem with that sentence because it needs opening was also... And you did say last time there was a ramp because the robots had wheels, so a staircase is going to be trouble for them

unless there's kind of an area where they're not allowed, so they put in steps. This was also raised in the robot sensitivity course. It's like a ramp. It's a spiral ramp case, and it comes up to a porthole, like on a ship, that needs to be wound open. It is currently closed. The iris winked shut like a stinker. The aperture. Yeah.

Is there some kind of windy, wheelie kind of thing? You can, but it looks like it will make a huge clattering noise. Now, the sirens that were ringing before have started to die down and no more Ardenites have come. So it seems that whatever it was those alarms were meant to call have failed to be roused. Bum, the heart lies beyond this aperture. That's right.

The beating heart of the ziggurat lies beyond this door. All right, Bilge. What? Feeling strong? When am I not? Let's turn this wheel. All right, make a strength check for me, Bilge. You can have advantage.

With advantage. If anyone's helping, Baston's helping. No problem. I will do. Make a strength check for me, Filch. You can have advantage. With advantage. If anyone's helping, Baston's helping. No problem. I will do a strength check using my muscles. The way that this works in D&D is, of course, you would be able to do this eventually, but I want to see how quickly you can open it. 22.

A 22 and a 20. All right, great. Not critical, just natural. No, that's good. So Filch reaches forward and with her biceps bulging. Did you call a non-natural roll a maths roll? Because you had to add two numbers together. Yeah. A natural 20 and a maths 20.

After I said it, I was like, what is the word for that? A lot of D&D people call it a dirty 20. I don't like that. That's classic D&D people. I like a maths 20. A natural 20 and a maths 20. That's what we're going to call that. That's classic D&D people. I like a maths 20. A natural 20 and a maths 20. That's what we could have called it. Alright, great. So it clatters

open, the iris blinks open and finally there is light again for there are glowing crystals ensconced around a large room. You see that this room is a ring of balconies over a huge empty space that spans several floors. You've been winding up for a while now.

You must be reaching the top. It's like a big Guggenheim. Of the Citadel. It's like a big Guggenheim. That's the second time that this Australian podcast has referenced the specific architecture of the second most famous museum of modern art in New York. What was the first time? Yeah, what's the most famous museum? The Museum of...

MoMA. MoMA. The Museum of Modern Art is the most famous museum of modern art. What about the Met? We referenced it. Oh, the Guggenheim. There's a whole thing there.

He bought the police. Oh, we said it there, but it wasn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the specific architecture of the building of the art museum. Is it a sign that you have to stop doing a podcast when you start trying to remember the last time you referenced the Guggenheim?

Just us dancing about architecture. Do you know what a baby's favourite museum is? The Guggenheim. You make your way out onto the balcony, illuminated in light, as you see the light shining in the eyes of Ignatius Bum, muttering yes, yes to himself, scrabbling notes, making corrections to his illustration of the room, drawing in freehand in an impressive, quick sketchy style, the shape of the room. And you can see as you reach the balcony that down about 20 feet below you

huge pylons cutting across the balcony are suspended in a giant cylinder of what looks like lead encased in bands of pure viridian hanging from these pylons with dull cracked glass crystal windows built at irregularly around it, like blisters on the side. Ooh, and this is the heart? It seems to pulse, yeah. In fact, much like a heartbeat, you can see that there is light, green light,

reminiscent of the light of raw ether, shining, pulsing. Normally this is purple, but this, while there's a quality to the light, is similar. It is a murky, awful green. Friezo's going to do a perception check. Arcana. This is an Arcana check. All right, an Arcana check, Dave.

I rolled 11 plus 3 is 14. All right, Friezo, you look forward, and you get a sense of what you're seeing here. This entire room is the heart of the citadel and all of the tributaries of ether that are being sucked out of the city out of the backs of necks of the citizens are being beamed up here and are coalescing inside this furnace is it wireless dave uh it's wireless from the city to there yeah Yeah, yeah. It gives the storms. Remember I said that there are sort of ever-present storms over the city? That electrical discharge is the Wi-Fi ether beaming upwards.

But as it appears inside the citadel, it is poured down these pylons and into this furnace. And whatever's concentrating in there is being bathed in the most pure, radiant life magic possible. But the colour of the ether confuses you because it should not be this colour. It suggests something has gone very, very wrong with the magic. Hmm. Okay.

So what's in this bathtub in the middle? Yeah. This furnace. You would have to climb down the pylons, fly down, or otherwise see. It's suspended 20 feet below you. Hmm. Can we... And thing up, this whole thing will crash, and then we won't die?

These four pylons, yeah, they're heavy. The size of Filch's leg, each of them, they're made out of what looks like iron links, so it's not a matter of just snapping them. Right. And we can't see in the room one of those wayback machines that we need to hit. We don't have an MF button we can smash.

Not on the balcony, no. And you can see that, as I said, this is cut through about four stories of the ziggurat. So it goes down to murky darkness about 40 feet below you. So there could be stuff down there, but nothing that you can see up here. You know what we should have done is brought one of those people who can make magic tunnels anywhere

with us. That would have been smart. Would have been smart. What about those pills? Do we have pills? Should have brought the cricket too. Yeah. The cricket had a gun, but the cricket also had an airplane. What if we drop Ignatius' bum off here and count how many seconds it is until he hits the ground?

Okay, he hears that. What do you think about that, bum? I mean, I don't think it's a good idea. Okay, well. I think that if you're just looking for an object, you could probably find... Well, one for one against so far. That guy's going to throw the piss knife over the edge

and see what happens. Into the bath? Into the hot bath? Throw it down to see how long it takes to hit the bottom all right uh okay interestingly you throw the dagger off the side and it let me just 50 actually let me see if it lands blade or hilt first all right it lands blade first down 40 feet down and as it hits the child go as it hits the uh the what looks to be like old ironwood planks on the ground floor of it, there is a spark and then a nova of white energy bursts out.

There's some kind of contact magic on the blade as it bursts out in a nimbus, illuminating briefly what you can see looks like an old workshop, four storeys, 40 feet down below you. And another 10 feet below the furnace. But these pylons, are they climbable? Like if they're iron links, we could put a... They're iron links and they are also built in such a way

that inside them you can see a sickly tube of what looks like to be kind of glass or crystal or something a bit more malleable of which this green sludgy energy is being drained down. Maybe we should just try and burst one of these tubes. They're very hard to get through because they're ensconced in this metal. Oh, they're kind of reinforced. They look weaker closer to the furnace. Some kind of workshop down there.

Maybe we should go down there. Yeah, let's go down there. Maybe Banknote could work out what the workshop does. Oh, sure. Now, there's no stairs, so how are you going to get down? Wait a second. Can I teleport? Oh, yes.

Filj, you have Thunder's Wake. You can vamp. Yeah, I can vamp. That's what I mean. I don't think you've ever used it. Well, you know what? It's a party trick and you don't want to use it all the time. Other people get sick of it. I think Filch used

it a couple of seasons ago when we went and burnt down that village. She did. She bamfed. And everything got fucked up. Right into the middle of some fire. So you understand why she's hesitant. So if you smack the ground, it creates a Thunderwave explosion and then anywhere within 30 feet that you can see and you can currently see down there because of that

nimbus of light if you're quick you can materialize by yourself you can't carry anyone with you because it takes two hands to carry should i go with the floor or straight into the bath i just the bath looks hot okay yeah maybe not the bath i trust bath looks hot. Okay. Yeah, maybe not the bath. I trust you, Baston. I appreciate your counsel. I wouldn't go in the bath. Well, I know you like a bath. You've got to dip your elbow in first.

Yeah, true. Test the waters. Okay, I'm going to bamf down to the workshop floor. All right. You bamf down to the workshop floor by yourself, leaving the rest of them 40 feet above you on the balcony looking down. And as you do, your eyes, because of your dark vision, you can see that this is a large workshop.

It looks reminiscent of like an inventor's workshop. You can see that there are workbenches. There are what looks like automata, more of the Ardenites in various stages of construction and a bench with half-built beautiful mechanical songbirds. There are other things and shapes draped in fabric around the room and everything is coated in a layer of dust. It looks like it hasn't been touched for centuries.

And you suddenly hear a whimper and you spin around and you see that there is a figure, an emaciated-looking elf, impossible to tell how old he is, who is standing in a robe that is so stiff with age and mildew that it looks like it's about to fall to pieces. You don't recognize the elf and he's looking at you with wonder and horror in his eyes. I hold my javelin to his neck. Okay.

I'm poking with it. And I say, who are you? And then I yell out, There's a guy down here Who are you You're not meant to be here No one's meant to be here This is No

No You've got to get out of here I think we've got a new Ben Jenkins voice. We'll put it in the register. I'm just trying to understand what emotion is he conveying there? Well, he contains multitude. Cranky. Yeah, his emotion is he's drunk a mouthful of molasses, I think.

This is not where you should be. You should be elsewhere. And he's swatting at you, even with the javelin, like he's trying to sort of dust you out of the room. Put him in the furnace. These are the only ones who may be here are me, and the robots, and of course Master. Wait, is Master having a bath?

You must not speak of him. Get his name out of your mouth, you master having a bath? You must not speak of him Get his name out of your mouth You lady What name would that be? I will not even sully The air betwixt us This is our Jar Jar It's a Jim Henson character I really like it

It's a Muppet You're doing a Muppet Not a Muppet in the Muppets A Muppet in a scary movie's a Muppet. You're doing a Muppet. Not a Muppet in the Muppets, a Muppet in a scary movie, but a Muppet. You cannot get out! And he goes to the workbench and starts looking for something. And as he does this you see inside

his robes and through the deep rents around where his arms extrude from it and there are sort of strange scaly portions of his skin it looks incredibly unwell it's impossible to tell how old this elf is but he he does not look healthy and he does not look to be entirely all here and phil just that there's this guy there's something about him guys i don't know i'm thinking at least three seasons more

there are more there are more of you? I must call the Argonites. And he like. The Argonites are dead and soon you shall be. I don't want that. That's what everyone says. I hate that for me. Make for me an intimidation check, Phil.

Okay. Oh, it's a cheeky little seven. All right. No, that doesn't unfortunately work. You are so much stronger than him and he looks like he would fall over on a stiff breeze, but he doesn't even seem to see you. And he starts... Sorry, Eden just failed

to drink. Yeah, I know. Ice cube just tumbled out of his mouth and onto his belly. I was really luxuriating it and then just didn't tip it up in time and I just got ice all over me. He seems to almost be ignoring you and forgetting that you're there again as he starts miming dusting, but he's not holding a duster or anything

as he goes through what looks like incredibly well-rehearsed motions, starting to forget you as he mutters to himself again. While he's doing this, upstairs on the balcony, what are the rest of you doing? I will say that Ignatius is just sketching madly. Are the chains climbable? Yeah.

Yeah, Bobby's going to start climbing. Make for me an athletics or acrobatics check. Meanwhile, that's happening. But that's what Bobby's plan is. What about Friso? Bank note. 19. What's Ignatius drawing?

Okay, Ignatius is sketching the room, everything that he can, the balcony, the furnace, what he saw of the balcony. That, what he saw of the balcony. That's what he saw of the workshop. Ignatius Bum, where would prisoners be kept from your research? They'd be kept in the hold, I suppose. He's pointing at the book and he's pointing the hold area,

which is in the basement of the building. So a few floors down. Right. Four stories down to the workshop will be much closer. And Bobby, meanwhile, has just grabbed onto the chains and is scurrying down towards the cylinder of lead

and viridian in the centre of the room. Filge, what are you up to? Yeah, what are you up to? I've picked him up by the ankles. I'm just holding him upside down, waiting for the others to come. Okay, he's trying to dust, but he's trying, it seems like he's making a conscientious effort to

ignore you because you're upsetting him as he's rehearsing, sort of going around the room. You can hear him muttering to himself. This is not the right way for the room to be. Put the room back. Friso and Banknote are going to team up to try

and bust open one of these tubes. So how could they do that? Friso's first of all going to cast Eldritch Spear at one of the tubes and just try and blast it open. Okay, quickly make for me an attack. The attack is a 9 plus 16. 16. 16. Okay, it bursts off the side of the chains

and there's a scorch mark, but it doesn't look like you've necessarily done damage to it. Okay, then Bank Knight's going to climb onto it and use his artificing, you know, sort of nous to sort of have a little perception on it. Yep. And just see if there are any weaknesses along the tubes. You can add proficiency to that.

So you can add 3 to whatever you roll. Bilge, is there a door down there? Do you see a door? Rolled a five. Okay, great. Yep, definitely chains. Now, while this is happening, all this has taken a bit of time. Bastogne is watching the book.

So we've got everyone, which means that Bobby by now has skirted down the chains. which means that Bobby by now has skirted down the chains and like a little monkey smoking a cigarette has bounced off the side of the chains and you found with the Viridian bands it's quite easy to make your way around the cylinder. In fact, there is a narrow band at the bottom which sort of serves almost as footholds as you work your way around.

And you can see now that the cylinder once had a door built into the front of it, although it is so covered with rust now that it looks like it's fused into one solid piece of metal and there is a window of smoky crystal built into that door. Can I do a perception check? Let me just see what's...

You can walk around and lean in towards the crystal. You don't need to make a perception. Is that what you want to do? Yeah. All right, you do. And as you look forward for a second, slowly there is swirling green miasma of magic clears and you can see inside an emaciated face

almost looking in stupor. But then the eyes suddenly snap and dart with surprising agility and focus onto you as the figure wakes up. It looks impossibly old, wizened, injured, and nearly dead, but it is unmistakably a face. He recognises the mouth opens. Bobby, what took you so bloody long?

The voice is slightly distorted through the grill that it comes, but it's unmistakably Cass's. Hi. Are you okay? I'm tip-top. I've never felt better. You're looking well. You're looking very good.

How's being a dad? I mean, it's great. Hey, do you want to come out. How's being a dad? I mean, it's great. Hey, do you want to come out of here and have a chat? I'd rather stay in here, do you know? Now, I wanted to say that although Bobby's voice is very quiet, Carstus' voice is coming through grills and some speakers basically all around the balcony, so everybody has heard this. I assume that if you're here, Bobby, Philch, Friso, Baston, we're welcome.

You know, I guess this means that you got past my little welcoming party. The Ardenites are... They're not coming? No, I mean, after all, we are gods. Yeah, no, of course. Well, it's, you know, first of all, it's really good to see you all. We're welcome. Hey, why don't we all have a chat?

I think I'd like that. I think I'd like to have a talk. You know, I haven't really spoken to many people in a long time, but, you know, what do you think of the place? I mean, this is really impressive. I've got to say, like, the moment we arrived here, we were like, we have to look up Casas, because obviously this is his work and gotta say like the moment we arrived here we were like we have to look up Cassius because obviously

this is his work and he's done a great job and um man I tell you what like it's cool it's cool as fuck yeah that's

what I'm going for he smiles and as he does he's wheezing and you can see what looks like it's possibly blood but it's black

is leaking out the side of his mouth as he looks at you. And as he turns his head as well, the skin is stretched taut and turning bruising almost immediately and looks like it's ripping apart in some places. Do you need a band-aid? Oh, no.

Like I said, I've never felt younger or a bit as fiddled. You know, there's so much to talk about from all of you. Do you know, I made you gods. Did you hear? Did you see? We've been enjoying that. It's great. Yeah, well, that's good.

Well, thank you for stopping by. Perhaps you could maybe call another time when I'm a little less busy. I've got lots to do. I run a whole empire. Did you hear? Yeah, that's great. But maybe we can, look, can we help? I mean, we're gods.

We are enjoying that. And, I mean, frankly, look, I know you say you're feeling well. It seems like you could do with a bit of help. As soon as you mention help or anything approaching sympathy comes into your voice, the expression on his face changes. The clarity looks there and suddenly he looks stern, offended even. No, I think you should take your leave actually. I'm the big dog.

Woof, woof. Woof, woof, I'm the big dog. As he says that, as he says I'm the big dog, woof, woof, I'm the big dog. As he says that, as he says, I'm the big dog, woof, woof, there's dust falling off the speakers. The entire room starts to shake. The chain's swaying slightly as the room seems to respond to his rising anger. Look, I mean, please, I mean, obviously you don't need help. You want to have that chat? Let's have that chat.

Now, while this is is happening the figure that has heard this as well who was absolutely freaking out is this strange custodial figure the white robed elf who sort of snaps out a little bit of his own um sort of self-imposed mania as phil just continuing to hold him upside down is that correct put me back where I am with my head at the top and my feet at the bottom. Put me back. He's awake. He must not wake for too long. Best one's going to climb.

Yep, sure. Do you put him down? No, I leave him upside down. I say... He's getting very agitated, swinging around. Well, just whack him gently against the wall. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just to shut him up a little bit.

He's like a fish that's moving around. I want you to make a dexterity check. It's just a gentle little... He's a very old elf. Oh, we've made our bed now. All elves have a bed. Where? Oh, with...

Oh, bums. Yes. How's the... Oh, bums. Yes. How's the drawing going, bums? This is simply incredible. 12. Simply incredible. 12, and you're going to let the nickname bum stick? All right, great.

Phil, to shut him up, gives him... It sort of swings him against a wall, and there is a thok- sound and not dead but he passes out unconscious this is about the time it takes for the rest of you that wanted to clamber down to clamber down which is just best on it seems the banknote friso machine are still upstairs uh yeah they've made their way now back down past where we entered and they're heading towards the basement to free the priestess oh amazing okay so they're racing down past where we entered and they're heading towards the basement to free the priestess oh amazing okay so they're racing down past the wreckage of the ardenites splitting the party up

and baston you make your way down to see phil slightly panicked holding an unconscious elf bleeding from an obvious head wound oh i thought there'd be a a door down here we're kind of trapped down here now. Oh, bum. Are we close to... Not you. Oh, well, Cassus is here. Cassus.

You're fine with the fact that Filch is holding an unconscious bleeding man? He's fine. He's fine. What's wrong with him? Can I pop him down on the ground? Yeah, blood comes out of his mouth. He slumps against the ground. Are we close enough? Are we together around Bobby talking to the ground? Yeah, blood comes out of his mouth. He slumps against the ground. Are we close enough?

Are we around Bobby talking to Cassis? Yeah, actually, once it started shaking, the entire room, the balcony started to slowly rotate like almost a sort of kind of corkscrew shape. And it took you a while to realise the chains are elongating as the furnace is slowly dropping down into the balconies and it rests on a plinth carved in magical runes in the centre of the room,

in the centre of the workshop, all of the stations around it. So Bobby comes down with it and lands lightly on the floor of the workshop, the furnace in the centre. Well, my four little gods, it's the god of rocks, the god of secrets,

the god of... Being a virgin? Yeah, you're the one that doesn't have any sex. That's not how we brand it. It's love and sadness is what... Love and sadness and Friso. He's not there. No. Meanwhile, downstairs, clambery, clambery, clambering, racing ever quicker and quicker, Friso and Banknote.

The dream team of Friso and Banknote. First. The original odd couple. Hing, are you going to make me make the rest of the dragon friends wait while I DM an encounter for you in which you play both characters? It's only a matter of time before they suck each other off. Great, let's do it. All right, first of all, there's a jailer at the door.

He's got a sword as he swings forward. Friso. He's a robot as well. Oh, really? Okay, then is Banknotes' glove charged again? No, it's still charging. In which case, Friso's going to cast Burning Hands. So the jailer needs to make a dexterity 14 saving throw. Okay, it fails.

The jailer dies. Fires. The three of you race through. It was largely a non-combative robot. As you make your way past the Ardenite into what suddenly... Congratulations, you killed a Roomba. You make your way into what looks like it was a prison designed to hold many, but at the moment it doesn't hold many at all.

Just a single figure sitting on a bench inside a cell who looks up as you arrive. It is Nian Sister Mysonia. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. I don't know who either of you are. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lydiel. Back known as this here

is my new associate, Friso. He's never been to the capital, right? Don't you know? Alright, are you here to kill me or free me? is my new associate, Friso. He's never been to the capital, right? Don't you know? All right. Are you here to kill me or free me? Dealer's choice. I mean, lady's choice. Free me!

Okay, that would free you. How are you currently being held? In this room. What's wrong with you both? I want to know if you can get up and leave. Yes! Goodbye! And she just walks past.

She's both of you. Did you open the door? And there's just a sort of moment where Frieza's like, hey, man, how do we think that went? I feel like I tried. Hey, just, I think we could work a little bit on our interpersonal skills. Okay, well, that's something we can think about.

We'll talk about it later, okay? Now back to the group. And they head back to the group. Wonderful side quest. Now, meanwhile, inside the room, the three of you are gathered around the figure of Cassius. The room is starting to sort of quieten down again. You can hear this pneumatic bellowsy wheezing

coming from the figure inside the tube. Sounding a little wheezy there, Kars. Oh no, that's just how breathing works. I thought about dying. But why? I've got still so much work to do with Netheril. It's gone from strength to strength. Have you seen the streets? They're very nice.

Yes, yes. Look, you've done a great job. It's just maybe it's time for some new management. You know, retire. Move to the country. Can you make a perception check for me? Ooh, I love perceiving. No, you don't. That's a three. Keep going. You know, maybe it's some time to let some new blood in. What are you suggesting? What have you come here to do? We've come...

Is this a friendly house call? Absolutely, yes, yes, yes. Where are my guards? I thought I had some guards somewhere. As he turns around and looks confused, his head moving to the left and the right, you notice for the first time that one of his ears is half cut off and there is a huge old scar that goes from the side of his temple

all the way down his neck, past his chin, past his neck, onto his shoulder blade, like a huge, ancient, almost mortal wound that has long since healed, but sickly and bad. I know you said the door was shut and potentially rusted. Is it beyond... You want to give it a tug? We'll just give it a... Use some lockpicking abilities, but maybe with a bit of force.

It's not for lockpicking. So it doesn't even look like it was locked. It looks like hundreds of years since the door has been opened and it's now rusted shut. That doesn't mean you can't try to force it. So he's behind the door. He's in a kiln, like a furnace. Oh, he's in the kiln?

Yeah, in a big... Nobody tell bloody Bro. Fuck it. He's in a big circular furnace with a window in a jam-shut door. Why don't you come out and join us? I'm so happy in here. Hey, you guys have missed out on a lot of fun. What's it been?

A thousand years? So much stuff has happened. Do you remember that guy? Strahd. Do you remember all that stuff? It feels like so long ago when you killed him. God, after that. The war continued, of course, between the Von Zaroviches and us lot.

And, you know, the rest is sort of history, I guess. We're still standing. Do you know that Elton John who exists in this universe song? I'm still standing. Well, that's me, baby. They wrote that song about you? Yeah, I did. I tortured him until he did

Cassius, what? In the movie of this, Elton John would be on the side Because he'll do fucking anything What's the wound who gave you that wound on your ear? You were always so clever Philomena. Oh, no. You were always so clever.

Well, this was somewhat a self-inflicted wound, I suppose. Do you know, in the last days of the war, and you guys were gone for quite a while, the religions hadn't really taken off, but there were little sects popping up here. Little pebbles for the rock ones. Little shoplifters for the thieves. Just hand jobs for the virgins.

Yeah, they were just fooling around. Work space. Yeah. Working their way back to zero. But you know, Bobby, even then, your lot were keen-eyed and eared. But of course, the war was looking pretty bloody good for Netheril. I was up there in Ilanar with all my birds

and you know, my stuff that I had up there. Sushi? Oh no, not sushi. What was it? Teppanyaki? Well no, because when my ship crashed and the whole thing shook, my

slug that made teppanyaki was anyway. You know, the Von Zaroviches, they were, Sergei was so cross about Strahd because, you know, he always blamed me. Me, I wish I killed Strahd. And he with that wife of his, like a dog with a bone they were, and they rallied in Carcosa but you know I had this idea

I was all the way up there in Ilanar and they kept attacking and attacking and one day I just thought well hold on a second I'm in a great big shoe and that shoe is poised right above the little

bug that I want to squish, and that little bug is holding a big gun. That's right. Do you guys know the idea of a little ant with a big gun? Well, that was my whole life toward the end of the war. I'd look down from Ilanar, and I'd see them in Carcosa, those little ants with those big guns. So do you know what I did?

It was the smartest thing I ever did. I sabotaged a islander. And everybody said, you're mad, Cassus. Hey, Cassus, fuck off. You know, cut it out, you prick. I live there. That's where my house is. But I did it.

That's where my house is But I did it And down, down, down, down, down We crashed right on top of Carcosa And that's how we got them We smooshed them Of course destroyed a lot of the Sword Coast in the process But that was that Anyway, in the crash

Well, let's say I didn't take the brace position well enough You know, in the crash, well, they say I didn't take the brace position well enough. You know, before the crash, the ladies came out and some of the men. The Dragon Friends are sitting down at this point. Just that they made us watch a little video about how to take the brace position, but I wasn't watching. And so anyway, that's how I got my scar who you and every one of the dragon friends could take a short rest at this point um friso banknote and the priestess finally climbed down the change and they're like what did we miss tell us everything oh my god okay so can you imagine a

great big shoe okay so so the room so he seems content. He doesn't seem to be doing anything. The room is shaking every now and then as the figure with the head wound by your feet begins to stir. He's not quite conscious yet, but starting to sort of move around. Nine, Sister Mysonia, are you all right? I'm fine. Can I go? I mean, we all need to go. How did you get in here? I was captured. Oh, go? I mean, we all need to go.

How did you get in here? I was captured. Oh, look, I'm just going to find a door. All right. Before you go, before you go, do you know where we might find a lodestone? What? An MF lodestone. Look, if you get back to the best of nets, just say something inspiring.

Say we're doing really well up here. Oh, you know what? I'm going to just, I'm going to become a Buddhist. What? What's wrong with my leg? I've been so close to making this character hit herself in the head with a hammer. Never meet your heroes or your gods. That's what I say.

Never meet your disciples then, I guess. You know what? Seven at best. And then she just goes, I'll. You know what? Seven at best. And then she just thought, wow, I'll kill you myself. Did I hear somebody say lodestone? Yeah, Karsus, everyone's saying

Karsus has lost it. Karsus doesn't know where the lodestone is. Karsus has lost his marbles and his lodestone. So we, I mean, obviously you know where it is, right Karsus has lost his marbles and his lodestone. So we, I mean, obviously you know where it is, right Karsus? Of course I do. Deception check?

Yeah, I think that is probably a deception check. No advantage because we're all sitting there going like, so we're helping. People are saying that. That is what people are saying. Deception. Well that, my friend what people are saying. Deception. Well, that, my friend, is a two. Advantage, though.

Don't. Advantage. Advantage. Don't. You got advantage because we were helping. Fifteen. Fifteen's better than two. Because everyone goes, uh?

Uh? I know where the lodestone is. I haven't lost shit, Philippa. I'm fine. I'm good. I could do a jumping jack. He starts to move and it's upsetting. Just popping.

There's lots of popping sounds. Where's the lodestone? I've taken it and put it somewhere Where you don't even know And he starts to giggle And it looks to your right Somewhere in the workshop Is it right over there where you're looking right now?

Fuck! Because when I heard you'd come back I thought I can't have it in the boneyard. Sorry, I call it the boneyard because that's where Ignatius bummed his virginity. In that bit that we cut. Leave that in here. So I had it delivered and put somewhere very safe

and you'll never find it. And his eyes go to the same place. Can we look there? We all turn our heads. You all turn around there and you see that there is a large shape with a grey blanket draped over it. Again, almost stiff with starch and the rot of a thousand years. No, fuck, no!

Bastion goes over and pulls the thing off. The blanket falls to pieces and there is unmistakably another lodestone just resting against the wall on the side of the workshop as if 900 years ago Cassus planned to work on it and has not had the energy or time. I guess we hit the end of the floor. Yeah.

And then all of a sudden you hear the voice of Ignatius' bum. He says, stop! And he turns to the creature in the vault and he says, this wasn't our deal, Cassus. You said that if I delivered them to you, the lodestone would remain intact. You can't just surrender it to them. Hey, guy. They hold all the cards, man. Like, it's not a big deal.

You know, they'll just go zippity-back to the past and we'll just get on with having a great time here. You know? You can go on about all your metaphysical business, but honestly, I'm chill. I'm fine. I just did, like, 50 jumping jacks. As he says that, the figure of Ignatius Bum takes his cane

and he twists the topper on the top of the cane twice fully around and then Misty Step blinks down until he's standing beside the stone, in front between the stone and the five of you. Well, do you know what? If I can't be sure that this world is going to be here when the lodestone breaks, then I'm just going to have to go through the lodestone. And he takes out his cane as if to break the lodestone.

All right, let's hit the lodestone. And as we do that... He's in front of it and he's hitting the lodestone. So he got there first. I'm going to make a dash and sort of try to knock him out of the way. Okay, great. Make an opposed initiative check for me. Are we all rolling initiative? That's a 19.

No, it's just Bobby. You rolled a 19? Yeah. Alright, that was a cool play, Ben, and I appreciate it because Filch did fail the persuasion check last episode and so the betrayal has been set for a while now. However, he is still an old man and once again, with any cane-related hijinks, he has rolled a

two again. I think he just donks it. Donks it with the cane and at that point Bobby barrels into him and smashes him to the side of the workshop as mechanical lyrebirds go wild. He's like, yeah man, those things are like rocks. You can't just donk them.

There's the broom shakes again. I think let's hit it. Well, do we want to take down this pyramid first? I can do that. Just hit the fucking, hit the MF lodestone. All right. Oh, I want to yard something cool to Karsus. Okay, cool.

But before you go, just if you see me again and I'm young and not like this. Tell me not to do it. You have regrets? I hate all of it. You, look at you, you've spent your whole life fighting the Von Zaroviches but you are the vampire sucking the life out of all. You will pay for what you've done in this life and the next.

And she grabs her thunder's wake and smashes the glass. You know it's serious because she calls it thunder's wake, rolling a strength check, and there is the glass, not the lodestone. Yeah, I'm going to punch the lodestone. Baston's going to punch the lodestone. You're going to punch the stone. You're going to use the magical warhammer to smash the glass in front. All right, great.

No, that's fine. So Filch takes it and smashes as the crystal window opens and the green, pustulent miasma of ether starts to leak out. At this point, Baston punches. Quick, everybody touch the lodestone or hold hands or something. I was going to say that's important. What's Banknote doing? There's already a Banknote in the previous timeline.

He doesn't know that. No, there isn't. There is on one timeline, yeah. Well, I guess maybe he can play three characters now. Hold on to my butts, everybody. Hi-ya! Eat fist stone! You break your fingers. Hold on to my butts, everybody. Eat fist stone. You break your fingers.

Now what do you do? I've got another hand. Just punching, crying, bleeding knuckles. I've got a monk. I'm highly trained, yo. That's a five. All right. I've got a face.

Phil, do you want to go and help? Alright, I go smash it with my maw. Everybody put your hand on the lodestone. Wait, where are we wishing to go? That's not how it works. And smash, smash, smash. I wish for world peace. A huge crystalline tear in the lodestone

as the world starts to unspool. One by one, you are sucked into its light, leaving this light behind, including, of course, Lion Shield Banknote, standing around the lodestone. One by one, as the world spools backwards, you are pulled back with it into the heart of the lodestone and beyond, back to the age of High Old Netheril 1,000 years ago as you, Bobby, dematerialize. Best on disappearing, knuckles still bleeding.

Filge, a little bit satisfied with herself, if I'm honest, holding Thunder's wake. Lion Shield, banknote, disappearing to see what strange new adventures await him. The last, of course, to dematerialize is Friso. Frisoff is in still one hand, clutching the lodestone as he stares at the hall now broken into the face of Karsus' tomb. And as he dematerializes

Friso casts Crown of Madness on Karsus and the only person around for Karsus to punch is himself. So I guess Karsus has got to punch himself in the face. And it is a strange and piteous thing to be born in this the third age

of control to be ruled over by a mad god who lives entombed forever since 900 years ago assassins injured disfigured and drove him mad he has suffered much sacrificed more and wrought more pain still unto those that rule below him but now in his most piteous form as the miasma of life that keeps him alive holds him suspended inside never collapses a strange level two magical spell compels him an old man 1 000 years old to punch himself in the face until he dies and friso satisfied that his work is done dematerializes for they have saved the city of new island are and as the magic of never collapses presumably the city starts to notice that the giant ziggurat above it is beginning to fall and will soon plummet down amongst them all but this is not a problem for the dragon friends

thank you friends. Thank you! Yay! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and post accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this episode was recorded

at Dave's house in Gadigal Land in the Euronation. Until next time. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. You have regrets? I hate all of it.

All right. Let's go back in time. Wait, so Carstus. Why can't we build to any sense of momentum if there's no audience? Wait a minute. This is like watching a car slowly trundling up a hill and we've just reached the point when the clutch gives out and it starts

gently rolling. This is just like when we were like, does anyone have any weapons? Wait, Casas. Has everyone been to the bathroom? Wait, I got something cool to say. Casas, you fought the vampires

but look at you, sucking the life out of everyone in your town. Oh, that is cool. Yeah great. Sucking your ass. Go Phil. Now you are the one who is the vampire

and you should just Nope. Looking slightly horrified. I think we gotta we gotta we gotta Yeah you want another go at that?

We're gonna take another run at that Al. My brain was going suck yourself yourself up, suck yourself up. And I went, no, no, no, no, something more dignified.