Dragon Friends - #8.01. Do You Like Diddling

Episode Date: March 13, 2022

The Dragon Friends have ushered in a New Age at a terrible cost. With only a few short hours before they must return to their own time, there are some loose ends that need to be taken care of. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So you discovered intertemporal travel But you keep making a mess through time You fucking idiot When you go back, all your friends have a crack But you inevitably ruin a whole new timeline Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Cause that's what time travels for

You can always go back And try again Don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back. For an extra few seconds. You can always go back. Ten souls there were to witness the ending of an age when Lion Shield Banknote stepped into the god cell,

of an age when Lion Shield Banknote stepped into the god cell consuming all its fury and became undone in time. Valet, Valet, Lion Shield Banknote, I miss, what I love about you is you taught me it was okay to be weird.

Ten souls, Strahd, the Larunes, Jarek, Karsus, Itheria, and four more besides that a far-flung future may yet call the dragon friends. The god cell trembles and a vast shockwave rolls out over all of you, throwing everyone

to the ground. Friezo, Filge, Bobby, Baston, your magical senses flare as a psychic scream of incredible power wells out of the machine and disappears. With that, the cell falls quiet, broken, used up. The door grinds open and Banknote is gone.

And Karsus, Archmage Supreme of Ilanar, realizes that his last gambit has failed and that the Empire of Old High Netheril is truly doomed. Your ally Strahd breaks the still of the aftermath first by lunging for Karsus who grabs at a locket around his neck and mutters a command word disappearing into smoke. A minor teleportation spell. He can't have gone far and his stalwart friend Jarek thunders out the door to alert the guards and find him. In his wake you see a crumpled figure on the floor who did not rise. This is Itheria Worldseer. Blood trickling from his wizened face. An old broken man on the floor is dying dying as he signals for Bobby to come closer. I theory a world's here.

I try to cradle him in my arms. Well, you've gone and bloody done it, Bobby. When your friend went into the god cell, the knot, it's broken. Everything will be different now. The nether will depart and the dragons will return. But I'm afraid that means you're trapped here with us. No way home for you now, old boy. And with that, the world seer dies.

I think that he would have... I think he would have liked to have died then because that's a great way to go out. Okay. But I think it's very hard to time last words. So what happens is he says, No way home for you now, old boy. And then Bobby holds him and Bobby's like,

Are you... And he's like, I'm still here. Do you want me? I'm fine. Just wait it out. World's Scylla Etheria dies two days later in a hospice. But he has enough pride as a prophet and oracle to not say anything else

for the remainder of the scene. He gets really close, but the scribes will translate his last words as, I need to do a poo. Baston, I want to go look in the god box. Again, the god cell, the cell that Banknote walked into is empty. Banknote, where are you hiding? Where's his body, Dave? We don't know.

It has been demoleculized, which is demoleculized. Not an Dave? We don't know. It has been demoleculized. Which is not an expression. I don't know. It's gone. It's disintegrated. What about his items he was carrying and stuff? I just think it's important because obviously if it's a god box

it would ruin the being. It might leave for example behind the shocking claw. Just dust. Nothing but dust. If I look up though though, is it... If you want to ransack... Just give him a ham. There's a lovely ham in there. Make for me an investigation check. If you want to

ransack the dust of your beloved henchman... Well, I was going to actually say we should say some words and mourn his death and stuff, but he was already about to loot the body, so I need to get in there quick. Wait, why would we say words? He's probably just been transported somewhere else.

Yeah, what happened? What happened to that fellow? Where'd he go? Yeah. I don't think... Why, surely there'd be something left of him. I rolled a 21. Okay, you get a bag full of dust,

which you can add to your character sheet, and a Christmas ham. No, which you can add to your character sheet, and... A Christmas ham. No, 21 is quite good. Yeah, it's a Christmas ham. Honey glazed. Okay, you get a Christmas ham, and that's under protest, all right?

I didn't want you to have that. I don't know how the magic in this world works, but it looks like the God box just turned banknote into a ham. Does that mean if we put a bunch of hams in there and throw it in reverse, we'll get a bunch of banknotes? Only one way to find out! Wait a minute. Was this the

banknote from our time, or is this a new banknote? New banknote. But the last banknote that you had. Banknote is dead, and also the god cell, you have a sense of complete finality about this. This device, builtas to trap a god has unstitched him from time every possible example every possible eventuality of banknote is gone but you have his ham you have a bag of dust and honestly i think he would be happy to go out this way. How convenient, Dave, that this God box you invented happens to have undone my ability to dual-wheel characters.

Well, in that case, if he's really dead... Oh, they're my beautiful boy now, but a ham. Look, this is obviously very, very sad. But the headline... The dragon friends really process grief. But the headline here is, that dude just said that we're stuck here now. Can I do like an investigation check or a perception check to see if, do I still feel the effects of time sickness?

Yeah, make an insight check. Okay. DC, 14. No. What did you get? It's a hot no. It's a five. All right, you feel great.

I think Bastogne's right, you guys. We never process bad stuff that happened. We just stew, stew, stew. No shit, dickheads. What the fuck, you call me? I died in space two seasons ago and nobody's had a proper conversation with me about it. Yeah, it's because you get weird about it.

It's because you're fucking weird about it, dude. I would get weird about it, wouldn't I? Because I died in... Like, what the fuck? Of course it's weird. You're allowed to feel weird. You're allowed to have feelings. I think everyone's getting a little hot-headed.

Let's all share some ham. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. I get uncomfortable when people... Shut up, Dad. Oh, what? I mean, Baston. I think we all go around circle

and say something we love about Lion Shield Banknote. Okay, you go first, Filch. Your hot dad. Next. The thing you love about Banknote is you had a hot dad. And I kiss my lips and I lay it gently on the ham. Okay, your turn.

Bastard. Everyone has to kiss the ham. Say a nice thing and kiss the ham. I think he had a good way of introducing himself. You know, you really got a sense of his character just when you met him straight away, you know. And I think his skin was blue. His hair was yellow.

There's a lot of good things about him. I like that giant crabby hat I kissed the ham. Okay, Freezer? Just a bit of table talk here. I played that character for, what, three years? Three years in multiple different Twitch streams and fucking live podcasts and so many eight different realities

and the best things I know this is an indictment of my plate I develop a character over three, four years, whatever it is and we've got hot dad blue skin and big crab, that's it To be fair, the big crab was the largest part of your character development and we've got Hot Dad, Blue Skin and Big Crab. That's it.

To be fair, the Big Crab was the largest part of your character development. Okay, Hing. Okay, Freezo. You say your favourite thing about Lion Shield Banknote. Freezo looks at the ham and he goes, I guess what I loved about Lion Shield Banknote, and we got to know each other a bit recently, and what I liked is that he was just so different from me, Freezo.

Two very distinct characters that had their own personalities and arcs and weren't just Hing grabbing at straws. Do you mean Hing the villain from season three? Sorry, kiss the hand. That was very nice. Thank you. All right. What's a kiss check, Dave?

What do I do? You just have to kiss. You can't roll a dice. Is it an unarmed strike? You can't fail at kissing a ham. Babies know how to kiss. You can't roll a dice. Is it an unarmed strike? You can't fail at kissing a ham. Babies know how to kiss hams. They do.

No. That's not funny. That's true. Yeah, everyone. You can't. You can't do a, oh Dave, no. No, a baby could do this. A baby could do this. That's not what you said, though. What you all don't know is that in the mid-2000s,

David Harmon ran a series of quite unethical experiments at the University of Sydney where he had newborn babies and left them in a blank room with a single ham. And it actually turns out that if you leave a baby with a ham long enough, just instinctively, it will imprint on the ham. There was a regular ham and there was a wire ham. Every time you kiss the regular ham, a loud siren buzzes.

But if you kiss the wire ham, you get no buzz. And it turns out babies prefer no buzz wire ham than real ham buzz. That's what they found out. Are we done with this BF Skinner riff? I believe it's Harry Harlow, but at that point. Fuck! You hear somebody clears their voice after Friso kisses the ham and Strahd steps forward.

Strahd, you're right. You say your favourite thing about Lion Shield Bank note. Well, you know, you sort of caught me off guard here because I didn't know the bloke well. We've all done moving tributes, so it's your turn now. No, far be it from me to not. Strut has met him, I would say, an hour ago at a teppanyaki restaurant.

Well, I'll tell you what, the bloke can catch an egg. You know what I mean? When that bloody chef was, I thought, he's not going to get this one, and it was just like him to catch that egg in the bowl. So that's what I'll remember the most, I suppose, about him. He was like that. If you threw an egg at him, he'd catch it. Phil's just like, it's so true.

I guess the other thing, the main i that i love about lion shield banknote is that he he died to usher in this this new beautiful age master etheria lies dead the man who sees all and you heard it from his lips netheril's over and look we've got a lot to do we've look, we've got a lot to do. We've got a world to rebuild. But first, I think we should take a moment to celebrate. He pulls out a flask on his belt, pops the cork, and holds it up. Here's a toast to... Hang on, what's in the flask? Is this vampire juice or some shit?

No, it's not vamp... Are you a vampire yet? No, I'm not. What do you mean yet? It's Kahlua. You can smell the strong and heady fragrance of a Colombian liqueur. Everybody thinks it's whiskey and I want to be real cool and drink it, but I don't like the taste, so it's Kahlua.

And a bit of milk. That's a hip class of Kahlua and milk you're right we're all sharing here so you've got a white Russian hold the vodka yes I guess it's just a white is what it is well I don't know what I don't know what 20% of those words mean but listen we've got a big job to do and uh in the morning, I think we'll get on that. But for now, I say we toast our fallen comrades. So to World Seer, Itheria, and I want to say Boinkus. Quick dragon huddle, everyone but Strahd.

Hey, I think from this moment, ifetheril is over philip right yeah and and we think that strut's gonna sort of rise to power now what if we kill strut now then and then we rise to power have we already done this in a timeline um just also just to bring this back to the point that we are stuck that's what i mean so we kill strut we drink the vampire that we are stuck. That's what I mean. So we kill Strahd, we drink the vampire juice, we can live eternally. We'll be the new kings. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mr. Vampire. No, no, no, wait a second. I like this. Yeah.

What's this vampire juice? Well, I reckon Dave's fucked us somehow. And when he takes a swig of that thing, the powers that be, I reckon it's take a swig of the Kahlua, and then he'll be like, ha ha ha, this is the thing that makes me eternally powerful. I think you're paranoid.

I think Kahlua's just coffee liqueur with a little milk. Here's one question I have. If he was going to put a god in that box, is there a god around here somewhere? My question is, what are we going to call the new age? The age of jazz? While you were doing this, you can see that happily Strahd is drinking. He's passed the glass over to Maisel LaRune, who's also taking a swig. More bottles are being procured.

But I need all of you to make for me quickly a constitution save. Oh. Tell me what you get. 11. 12. 11. 16. Okay. Everyone except Friso falls to their knees. The bile rising in your throats. Chronomatic dysfunction has struck

once again as if on cue. All of the lights in the room start to shudder. The entire floating citadel of Ilana lilts restlessly from a power failure that you know from your many trips to this timeline

happens tonight. And also staggering through the door is another figure, wire glasses, shock of white hair, the gnome junior chronomancer Marceline Val. Holy freaking doley! That's the thing I say.

Sticking with that catchphrase? Yeah. It's uh... Hey! Oh wow! Look at this! Where's Cassius gone? Did you guys do it? Did you defeat Cassius?

He disappeared in a puff of smoke. Hey, I'll take that. He's not here anymore. Hey, nobody went in that God box, did they? Uh, yeah. Well... Boinkus. Not boinkus!

Hey, listen, we don't have a lot of time. I think you guys are having the chronic sickness. Yeah, we feel like poo. Okay, you've got to get back. You've got to get back. They are built different. You've got to... Look, this is bad.

You have to get back to your own time Thank you so much for the help But hey Take these And she gives you the powders Bottoms up These are the time sickness No

No no We are so past that You had already sent If you remember Val You wanted to make the powders Oh these are the rubber band powders Yes this is to go Cabroing back home

So nice meeting you Say hi to the future for me. All right, let's kabroing, shall we? We have work to do here, you know what I mean? Should we bring... Is there enough for Strahd? Strahd cannot kabroing. Okay.

Oh, because he's not stretched. All right, so four doses of kabroing. All in favour of kabroing? Three, two, one, aye. I mean, give it a go. Kabroing it is. Okay, you take the powders and you start to feel your humours rise inside you as the powders take effect, but then instantly they turn to ash in your mouth

and you're forced to spit them out. Oh, come on, David. Oh, stuff's always turning to ash in our mouth. There's always ash in mouth with you. Ash in mouth this, ash in mouth that. We're up to here with ash in mouth. Try this. It's an ash in brie.

Wait a minute. I'm still here. We should have bind. No, because the guy said we were going to stay here. What did he say? Who said this? World Zero Etheria said we are stuck here. So unless you can think of a way to get us back to where we came from that doesn't involve this ash in taste in our mouths, we're stuck here. So unless you can think of a way to get us back to where we came from that doesn't involve

this passion taste in our mouths, we're stuck here. Val, you need to do more science and quick! Alright, look, leave it with me. If, if, and I'm using layman terms here, if somehow activating the God Box has snapped

the rubber band, then... Sorry. Then we... No, it's all very well thought through. Thank you very much. System works. Then, look, leave it with me. And Strahd says, how long do they have?

And she says, I don't know, 24 hours maybe? Maybe a bit more? Until what? Until you get really sick! Can we at least have some medicines? A bit different. I was saving that. For who?

Look, you can try, but if the band has snapped, it's not going to work anymore. Yeah, I'm going to try some, but if it turns to ash in my mouth, I swear to bloody God, I'm going to go ape shit. While this is happening, you can see that the figure of Jerek Rim, the lieutenant of Strahd, has come in and is

talking in hushed tones to him. Strahd slaps him on the back and hands him a bottle and he starts drinking too. More howlers have arrived. A party is starting in earnest around you. So triumphant they are that their silent war is over and that the city has fallen. Well, if we've only got 24

hours left, let's do this thing. Glug, glug. Hey, what's up howlers? Yeah, I mean, I'm sort of off the clock. I could have... You're on the clock to save our lives! Yeah, but I could have like a shandy! Why can't Val have

fun? Because we're dying, Val. We're all dying, Filch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Over a long enough time, we're all dying? Hey, Val. Whoa, whoa, hey, wait.

What? I'm dying? Yeah, baby. Life is terminal. I feel good, though. No, that's not what I'm saying. No, baby. Life is terminal. I feel good, though. No, that's not what I'm saying. No, I feel bad. Oh.

Yes. Is it happening now? Hey, Val. Can we talk about what just happened there, buddy? No, look, it's fine. We were sort of saying, hey, maybe it's not a great idea for you to drink. And then what did you do, Val? You sort of yelled at everyone, didn't you?

There's a lot of stress. The important thing is for you to know, Val, that we all love you, don't we, Filch? Oh, yeah. Yeah? You're very important to us. Maybe you could all go around in a circle and say something. And then kiss the ham. I love your catchphrase.

I think it's really cool. I love the way you make life-saving drugs in your laboratory very efficiently. I love the unresolved sexual tension between you and Baston. I have only one night left to live. Listen. Listen.

I will... I think I have earned a shandy with all of you. It's so funny that you're insisting on a light alcoholic beverage. She just wants to be part of the party. She never gets to go to parties. And Bastogne's gonna be there

Alright, I'll make you a shandy But I'm pouring it So she sticks around The night continues It's mostly lemonade It's like 90% lemonade There is a wild ecstasy amongst the howlers As news comes from the front line

Already most of the academic guard Have laid down their arms So terrified they are that their archmage what about that um island that's falling from the sky the the island for now is just stabilizing itself and bobby as you arrive you can actually see that that is the topic of conversation between strad and the laroons as stras as you arrive with drink in hand strad points the loons and, you don't understand. We're occupiers. That means we're

responsible to these people. You need to do whatever it takes to land this island safely. While the Lurans look at him and say, you don't understand. The mage hold has been ransacked. We've discovered that before Karsus left the city, he took most of the ether and several priceless

relics. There's very little keeping this island afloat. As Strahd looks at them and says, you will make it work for me as you made it work for my father. And they look at him, nod, and depart as Strahd turns to face you, Bobby, and slaps a bottle of

white Russian into your hand. Oh, when did you concoct this? How long has it been in the flask for? I don't know. I've got a couple of flasks on the go. It's not curdled. Everybody says, oh, you're flask curdled.

No. If you have good flask discipline with the Kahlua and milk, they won't curdle. Does alcohol stop the milk from curdling? A little bit. Freezo has arrived. A little bit. All right, I'll have a go. There you go. Have a little swig. Dave, do I need to do a roll from curdling? A little bit. Freezo has arrived. A little bit. All right, I'll have a go.

There you go. Have a little swig. Dave, do I need to do a roll from your trap? Do I turn to a vampire, Dave? Is that what happens? Let me just quickly roll something unrelated.

He's getting out his fucking big dice. Special dice out of his little box that he can't open because he went to the gym today. Oh, it's got a child look on it, doesn't it, Dave? I went to the gym for the first time in a year and now I can't roll my dice that he can't open because he went to the gym today. Oh, it's got a child logo on it, doesn't it, Dave? I went to the gym for the first time in a year.

And now I can't roll my dice. Sorry, Dave. What exercise were you doing in the gym? Was it opening a box and rolling your dice? Fuck you. You die! It tastes of cheap Kahlua and powdered milk. Powdered, that's smart.

That's a smart strike. But you seem fine. So while he toasts you, meanwhile, I guess Val and Bastogne, you're in another corner as Val walks up with a tiny little shandy that is mostly lemon. Oh, hey, Val, I have to go. And Bastogne scuttles over to Filch and says, Filch, Filch, Filch, Filch, Filch. Hypothetically, if someone only had one night to live and that someone had never maybe been with anyone, what, you know, what is the main, do you have a map or something?

Okay, all right. Look, the first thing you have to do is make sure that you're not being violently ill at the time. Oh, okay. That's very important when making love. Okay, right. But also, because Filch is an orc, a half-orc, maybe the things that Filch likes are different to the things that Val might like.

So maybe... Friso, you're a famous lover. What would you do? Well, no, I'm just saying that... I don't know. I'm just saying that... But Filch, if you want to tell... Okay, I don't know, I'm just saying that, but it feels if you want to tell... Okay, I am literally dying!

I am dying right now, I need a plan! Baston, you're thinking about yourself. You have to think about her. What she wants. What she likes. Don't think about yourself and don't yell I'm literally dying while you're doing it. Okay. Well, thank you, finally, for some

useful information. Okay. So, how you, finally, for some useful information. Okay, so how do I... Can I ask her what she wants? Yes, of course. All right, okay. I think you should. All right, okay, right, right. Right, right, right. Because I don't want to seem like a virgin or something.

I mean, I don't want my friend to seem like... You know what the sexiest move in bed is? Diddling. Wait, what's diddling? Diddle this, diddle that, diddle here, diddle there. Just diddle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

Filch gives you... Filch... I was going to say, I was going to say listening. No. Filch gives you a big thumbs up, Baston. You spin around and as the howler band that is... You spin around and as the howler band that has started to play in the corner starts playing a slow song, the crowd of revellers parts,

and you can see by the drinks table the figure of Marceline Val nursing her small shandy. Dave, is there anything around that one could make fairy lights out of? Yeah, yeah, there is. Fairies. Okay, I start just pegging fairies to the ceiling all around in a beautiful constellation. They hate that.

They absolutely hate that. Well, that's okay because I'm pegging them, you know, through their little hearts. All right. Okay. So, wait. Does that mean the lights are sort of going out? It's nice. It's sort of flickering.

The twinkling. That's really sweet. They're twinkling. The twinkling lights of a dozen dying fairies illuminate. So, Baston goes over and sidles up to Val like very, very like, oh, hey. Oh, hey. Sorry, I had to go and be sick because I didn't want to do that on you. Oh, that's...

Listen. Yeah. What do you like? What? Do you like diddling? What? What? Baston gives a big thumbs up across the room.

It's going great. Hey, listen. Can you do that? Can you just listen? I've heard that listening is sexy. And then she gives him a smooch on his mouth. And I'm the best. I assume this will be good

As fairies die by the score So too scores Bastogne and Dreravich It's good stuff Child of Barovia As the party continues The city is theirs Castors may be gone for now But for tonight, for one night Perhaps our last night As the party continues, the city is theirs. Castors may be gone for now, but for tonight, for one night,

perhaps our last night, we can party, and party they all do, as one by one, the dragon friends succumb to drink and merriment, and pass out until they awaken the next day at the dawning of the second age. Filled, you open your eyes slowly. Bobby nestled in your arm. A bottle of Kahlua nestled in Bobby's. Did we?

Yeah, I mean... I just... No. Whoa, you guys diddled each other hard last night. Diddley, diddley, diddley. Frieza walks in with a coffee. I didn't see anything, but it looks like you guys diddled. I don't know.

I don't know. Me don't. Me don't. I don't. Beep, beep. Someone who's had sex coming through. Hello, my friend. Bastard is wearing a tiny robe.

Good morning, my friend. Bastard is wearing a tiny robe. Oh, good morning, my friends. Welcome to the age of jazz. Oh. Boy, oh, boy. Do I have a thing or two to teach you? It was good. It was really. Why didn't I do this sooner?

Wow, wow, wowie, wow, wow. Best done. I mean, you had a good time. What did... What do you think... What was Val? What was... Do you think she had a great time?

She gave me a very comprehensive feedback and he pulls out a dossier. Hey, bro, honestly, you know what's really sexy? Diddling? Receiving data, working on it, improving, feedback, it's a great loop.

Iterative improvement, that's all we want. Alright, virgin, let me tell you something. And Val comes out from where Baston entered which you now see is Cassis' private bedroom that they've taken over. How's Val looking?

Sorry? She's looking rumpled and relaxed. Is she wearing a bed sheet? What's going on? No, she's wearing inexplicably one of Baston's t-shirts that he has. With the university he went to. And she comes out and she says, oh my God, what did you put in that shandy?

I'm just kidding, it was mostly lemonade. But look, it's the time. Look, I said I'd get to work. And do you know what? I was thinking all night, well, some of the night, about your problem and I think I've cracked it. So listen, come to my lab in like five hours or so. I think I already know someone that'd come to your lab. Lab means pussy.

Sorry, lab means pussy? Lab means pussy, cum is cum. Phil's made a diagram. Lab equals pussy, cum equals cum. Come to my lab in five hours and I think I'll have a solution for you. Do anything you need to do before, because I'm sending you back. All of you.

Yes. And she looks at Bastogne. With that, she looks at Bastogne, yeah. Oh, no. What? But I thought we'd get... This was... Oh.

It feels pretty good to be used. Thanks. So you can all take the rest of the day off. Everybody has a long rest and you all make it to level nine. Wait! Congratulations. Wait! Where's banknote?

Friso pulls out the hand. Oh, thank goodness I thought I'd do something I might regret Over the night Because no one obviously asked what Friso was doing When he was drinking last night But he has dyed the ham blue This is all part of his natural process

Yeah yeah yeah I mean the ham has been salted and cured So it's not going to go off. It's preserved, so now it's blue. And we'll just see what other banknote-esque accoutrements are added to the ham. All right, congratulations. I'm not kidding. It's sitting in a small crab. It's sitting in a small crab.

Are there any, Dave, are there any cushions with sort of blonde or golden tassels on them around? Beautiful fringe on the table, on the drinks table. We'll hold on to them for a while. All right, you grab the golden tassels from the drinks table. We'll hold off for a little while. The golden tassels from the drinking table. So all of you make it to level 9. I've already taken the liberty in the off season. Nice to get a day

off for the dragon friends, isn't it? Of upgrading all your character sheets. Thank you. So you've all got some new abilities and more hit points and spells. Do I have more spells? You have improved crits at level 9 as a barbarian. You do more damage when you do a critical hit.

Boring. When can I fly? And everybody goes to full hit points, gets all their spell slots back, and then in the afternoon you make your way to Val's lab. All of you, your stomachs, the bile has been rising through the day. Oh, shit. Dave, I just Googled one of the spells you gave me. I love it when you Google on stage at a

live show. I didn't know what this was. I gave you this character sheet two days ago. Not enough live entertainment does that. You never see Bono Googled during a show. Let me check the lyrics to this one. No. Oh, that's a good Bono. That was a good Bono, Google during a show. Let me check the lyrics to this one. No. Oh, that's a good Bono.

That was a good Bono. Okay, you've given me a thing called Dance Macabre. Yeah. And it kind of raises skeletons from the ground. Yeah, up to five skeletons. Why'd you give him that, Dave? He's going to do crook stuff with it. Do the skeletons already have to be there?

Yeah, well, here's the thing. First of all, it says here they're all big titty anime babes. I didn't make that up. No, no, it doesn't say that. But it means, Dave, I can only do it when there are corpses around. Yes, it's a standard... So you've given me a spell that I can only activate

when I've already killed a bunch of people. It's the standard hex... And you don't need to kill... Do you think... What? You could activate that ham. What is a ham and a corpse? It's the corpse of a pig.

The ham is an emergency corpse. Okay, good to know. I'm just saying, Dave, when I kill five to seven people and make five to seven corpses later, just know that you set me up for this. Yeah, and I think you have a blink spell and you have wall of light you have um a lot of spells there so congratulations you all arrive to hear the sound of of loud machinery of it's what sounds like a buzzsaw coming from val's lab and as you open the door she turns around and um a huge welding helmet

is on her she winds it up and she's standing with a big arc welder saw combination device. It's something that fuses and cuts at the same time. Val is a visionary. Magic, baby! A brilliant gnome artificer. And she's standing in front of a wheeled pallet about the size of a giant carriage. standing in front of a wheeled pallet about the size of a giant carriage, and standing on top of that is a huge prototypal device of some kind,

a giant invention. It looks for all the world... Is this a DeLorean? Like a giant... You got us a DeLorean. Is it a DeLorean? It looks for all the world like a giant octopus. So, yes. Wow, Val.

Round two, getting a little kinky. Okay. Come in, come in. Everybody come in. Just quickly, so the head of it is a hinged glass dome that seems to be full of a kind of lilting green amniotic liquid, and there is a which is glowing a brilliant

green with a tetrahedron stone bobbing inside it, and then there are sarcophagi, four of them, built around it and the tentacles are wiring and rubber tubing coming out of this orb wrapped around this sarcophagi. Is one sarcophagi built for two?

No, they look like single sarcophagi. They have post-it notes, however, written and in Val's handwriting you can see what they say, Bobby, Filge, Friso, Bastard. What this coffin octopus you make. Okay listen, listen, this is great.

I'm so, I'm really clever to begin with, okay, but this is like I've hit it out of the park. Last night when we were talking about the band snapping thing and how you can't travel through time anymore, that's not true. But we're travelling through time right now. Look. Ha! I'm in the future. Do you know what I'm saying?

The question is how long you can travel in time for. So, this is the cold cell engine. Yeah, I've knocked it up. I've tested it. It works fine. What did you do with it to test it? Where did you go? Well, I didn't go anywhere.

This is the point. You don't need to go back. You just need to go forward. Oh. Okay. But if we go forward, will we also age? No, that's how the cold cell works. You go into boxes.

You sleep. It's like no time passes at all. Oh, I did Futurama one. Ah, Futurama. I saw that in Tokyo, Japan. You sleep for a thousand years, you wake up, it's just like time travel,

but it's not. We don't need this stupid band anymore. Forget about the band. The band's gone. But how long did it take? A thousand years. It take a thousand years

to travel a thousand years? Yeah. Okay, then what? No, for you, in the cold sleep engine, the cold cells, you will experience it. But how do we stop, if a thousand years in the future, how do we stop someone not waking us up or eating the octopus or waking us up? Okay, look, these are all problems that I have thought about and that I don't have a ready solution for.

But here's the thing. All we need to do is get you in there and then I can come up with it. I'll build you something. I'll move the boxes deep, deep, deep underground where nobody will find them for thousands of years. I will build you, my darling Bastogne, a guardian, a mechanical guardian

of such strength that no one will ever touch you for a thousand years. And then you will wake and you will be home. Wow. Wow. She really don't want you to be with anyone else, Pastor. That's what happens when you're a famous muse. Wow. Wow.

Great time travel machine. Just big sleepy bye-bye machine. Me not that impressed. Yeah. What's the octopus bit for? Guys, you're being really rude to my girlfriend, okay? My long-term girlfriend? My long-term girlfriend?

The love of my life. How does Val react to being called Baston's girlfriend? She blushes. It's pretty rude to not get into the octobox, okay? Dude, if I'd gotten into every octopus one of my friend's girlfriends has asked me to get into. Listen, I know it's not perfect. I know this is not how we like to travel.

I know you would much rather, I don't know, fly in first class to Los Angeles with free tickets. It's funny! It's funny. It's funny now. Silly. A joke that will not make sense to the podcast audience. As she says this, she's taking out a giant syringe and she opens up what you recognise now from your time in Netheril

as an ether bank built into the wall. And she pulls a large syringe of ether out of the bank and then injects it into the glass dome and with that the light, the green light shines three times as brightly, runs down the tubing of the tentacles surrounding the psychophagi and they all begin to glow.

Listen to me. I don't know how long I will live but I promise you all that from the moment you get into that box to the moment I breathe my last, I will dedicate my life to protecting you. And all of us equally or just Bastogne? Let's be honest.

Well, it's kind of a package deal. The octopus is sort of... You can't separate them. Okay. Well, this guardian you're going to build at the front of it, it's going to have to be terrifying it It's going to have to be terrifying It's going to have to be real scary

Do you have some ideas for it? Well, I was just thinking We could design the scariest thing imaginable I say we stay on theme and keep with the tentacles Okay Matchy matchy If that would make you feel better You can have some input

Yeah None of you are engineers Spikes What do you want? Frowny face Frowny face Okay, I'm writing this. Spikes. Frowny face. Frowny face. I'm writing this down. Spikes.

First and foremost. She's not writing it down, by the way. Ben is writing it down. She is not writing it down. Okay, so it's an octopus with spikes and tentacles and a frowny face. Quite rough skin that's unpleasant to touch. Unpleasant skin. Yes, this is all great stuff, guys.

Like a cracked heel. Yuck. Give it a weird hat. Yeah. What? Weird. Why is he wearing a fedora? Why?

Why is he wearing that guy? Yeah. No. Abraham Lincoln hat. Give it a... Abraham Lincoln. Not only do I know who that is, but I'm writing this down. Oh, and he should have a flavour saver.

You know, one of those gross little beards. You are all very unwell. And he should have a really scary catchphrase. Yeah, like, I'm an octopus and I'm going to eat my own butthole. And it should have a really cold and not really mothering demeanour. Just like Frosty in Kind of a Loof. And could you pre-program some passive-aggressive zingers? Yeah.

That's enough. I think we've got... Big ass. We've got what we call... Yeah, real dump truck ass. Dump truck ass. Yeah, yeah, make it clap. So this is what we call in the business scope creep?

We just want to think scary octopus, Mama. That's what we want. Okay. I will... See, it sounded so much better when I said I will dedicate my life to keeping you safe. But now I have to tell you, I will dedicate my life to building this octopus

with spikes and a frowny face and an unpleasant demeanour and a sort of weird standoffish cold mother thing and a weird Abraham Lincoln hat and a dump truck ass that... that claps? is that right? Will I do all of these things for all

of you, but especially for one of you? And she turns to face Bastogne. It's not you! And she takes his hands in hers, tiny, only coming up to just above his abs. They look into each other's eyes.

I need you to be brave. I'm scared, Zor. It would be just like going to sleep and like nothing ever happened. But listen. What? There are four boxes. If I could come with you, I would, but we have so much work to do here.

You've got to build that weird machine thing. Yeah, I do have to. That was going to take me like a week, but now... Just make sure that that dump truck ass claps. She thinks about saying something else about the rebuilding of society and all the rest of it but then she just looks at his

sweet stupid face and says I will make sure that it's dumb truck ass claps. Val, you know when you told me that I was dying? Yeah. You're wrong. I'm never gonna die. And with that, Baston

disappears into the device one after another of the dragon friends leave to follow Baston to where we do not know, to when we do not know, and Val quietly goes about her business. Picture, if you will, a laboratory.

As we slowly track up, we see four figures encased in granite sarcophagi, crystal viewports built into the front as she plugs them one by one into her device, stopping only at last in front of one marked baston where she wipes the viewport, looks in, and turns away

to continue with her life's great work as the dragon friends travel through sleep to a world beyond that we shall find out on the next episode of The Dragon Friends. Thank you!

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live every month

at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Euronation. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back

And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back I also got a message from Demi Lardner who's in the audience. Hi Demi. Hi Demi. Hi Demi.

So during the show, taking a cue from Michael Hing, she googled, can a baby kiss a ham? And the first hit is from www.parents.com and it just says my daughter had infant botulism what you should know.