Dragon Friends - #8.02. Not an Urchin to be Seen

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

The Dragon Friends slip through time in an enchanted sleep, waiting to see what new people, places and adventures await in their shining new age. Surely this time they'll return to their long forgotten home. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Dragon Friends. Dave here to remind you that if you like the podcast and want to support us and get even more Dragon Friends content, we have a Patreon, where for $5 a month, you can get access to a whole bunch of membership perks, including ad-free versions of this podcast, out even earlier than on the platform you're listening to on now. There's also a backlog with literally hundreds of hours of audio episodes

about other D&D Twitch games, including, for example, The Beef Babes, a two-season story about how Friso got lost in heaven and hell before finding his way back home. Right now, we're releasing something called Monster Pitch Theatre, a podcast where we write D&D one-shots from scratch, which we are also going to write up and release as modules directly onto the Patreon. Anyway, you can find it at patreon.com slash dragonfriends, and even if you don't want the content, it's a great way to help us out. Let us keep doing what we're doing, which I think we can all agree is incredibly dumb. Thank you. Here's the show. Did one of the Laroons die? No, no, no. The Laroons are still alive.

I mean, check the wiki, but I'm pretty sure. I'm going to check the Renee. Renee, the Laroon's alive? Yeah, the Wiki says so. Wiki says so. Wonderful. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry. Don't worry.

Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back and try again. And if you go back and kill your friends, you can always go back and waste your few seconds. You can always go back. The second age, the age of ruin, the age unknown, the age between that golden age of Nethereal and the third age,

the age of man, of now, of the dragon friends. That age... Called the age of jazz. Perhaps. Called the age of jazz. Perhaps known as the age of jazz is an age we now find ourselves hurtling through at speeds constant but perceptively instantaneous for the dragon friends are trapped inside the cold sleep engine, a device created by the brilliant chronomancer Marceline Val to ferry them forward to the times they have lost along the way and the future they hope to once again walk. And a buzzing, first in the background,

then more and more insistent until irritated, Filge, you have no choice but to open your eyes. You can hear a chiming somewhere beyond the sarcophagus you find yourself in it seems it is time to awake oh oh me breath so bad oh what me covered me in goo i know you're just in you're lying mostly upright in a sarcophagi that is closed but not locked. Made of granite. What was once a crystal viewport that's built into it

has long, completely fogged over. It's impossible to see through it. What if I go... It's fogged on the outside. That's not how it works. Just keep going. Maybe it'll work.

I reach around. Good stuff. It's good stuff. You open the sarcophagus. You open the sarcophagus. But then just reach around. And I reach around and I give it a bit of a wipe.

Because I had this argument with my husband in the car the other day. Filge, you wipe at the front of the sarcophagus and your hand comes away encased in a layer of heavy dust. It seems that you are disturbing something that has not been touched for a long time. But also, you get the sense that there is a filigree or scrimshaw style engraving all across the sarcophagus when you went into it it was a pedestrian simple stone box with a post-it on it now it feels engraved delicately all right i'm gonna hop out of there all right and um blow

off some of the dust you move you blow away the dust and you wipe it and you can see that beautiful, careful engraving, a masterwork engraving has been brought all over the surface showing the figure of a half-orc holding a warhammer in stately repose. And as you do so, other beautifully engraved sarcophagi open as Bobby, Baston and Friso slowly emerge all around a central, giant, gilded bronze octopus now encased in beautiful masterwork casing. Obviously, huge care and attention has been spent in finishing what was once a hurried prototype.

Val's masterwork is complete. And everything is encased in the same dust. The fluid inside the orb is now milky and it is pulsing weakly and that pulsing is creating the chimes that you heard from inside the sarcophagus which is even now winding down and dying. Are there any paper boys running around? What? You, sir! What day is it?

There is not an urchin to be seen, unfortunately. Prior to the late 18th century, that was the way that people just told the time. That's why they had to build Big Ben. You're not in Val's lab anymore. You're still on the carriage. Lab means book, sorry. You're on the wheeled undercarriage that it was

originally on, but it has been dragged into what seems to be a cave, and there is a tunnel leading upwards. And the other doors are opening? Yes, the other dragon friends are emerging. How do we feel? Like, do we have a... Like you have...

You know how when you sleep too long And you're now tired again? You feel like that You feel lethargic You feel groggy But you don't feel sick The bile has receded a little bit Dave

You know how the cold cells Would put us to sleep for a thousand years? Yes One of... Canonically, Freeieza doesn't sleep. So has Frieza just been... You're a human now. Oh, yeah. Possibly Chinese, yes.

But there is a really good Stephen King short story about that. What, about Chinese people falling asleep? Yep. It's really racist. Well, I can tell you from personal experience that Chinese people do occasionally sleep. Okay. Well, somebody should tell you from personal experience that Chinese people do occasionally sleep. Okay. Well, somebody should tell bloody Stephen King. The Midnight Chinaman.

Coming soon. Even you, Friso, have slept and you all emerge. Has our hair grown? Great question. No, everything inside the psychopaguy hasn't aged. Including the ham? Yeah, the ham is as fresh as the day that it went in. It is one day, it is always a one day old ham.

The best. Huh. So we've all hopped out? Oh man, let me kiss that ham No, you can't kiss the ham unless you say something nice about Banknote, that's the rule Okay He made jeans? You could just say, he's a ham

That's nice That is nice Alright, no, Bobby, you get to pucker up, Baston, back of the line You could just say, he's a ham. That's nice. That is nice. All right. No, Bobby, you get to pucker up. Baston, back of the line. He was well preserved when we went into the sarcophagus. So you're talking about him now as a ham?

No, just the rule is, it's got to be... Well, you didn't say that. Okay, fine. All right. Baston, Filch, you both get to kiss the ham. But if we play in the future, the new rule is all the compliments have to be pre-ham. All right, well, that's fair. That's fair. If you fuck Backnote's dad and then only fuck him as a ham,

honestly, it's going to raise some questions about the things you're into, Filch. I love the fact that the dragon friends have only, in your mind, been away for half a day, but you are already clearly forgetting the character of Lion Shield Backnote. Let me get boink boink. I love that he was so round. Justin. No, pre-head.

No kiss for you. Just a bone coming out the end. Okay, that was true. You can have a kiss. Wow, so she really did it. Your girlfriend really came through. Shout out to you, Val, wherever you may be. Dead, probably.

Shout out, Val. Yeah, dude. Are you okay? Yeah, look, on to the next one, I say. She was holding me back. Bastogne's got a lot of love to give and let's face it, she's probably dead. But Bastogne, think about it.

You're a thousand years older than any other girl here. Whoa. Looks like you're never going to have sex again. That's fucked up. I've got to find someone old.

Now as I said there are you can see a trail leading upwards through the cave and you can feel a gentle breeze that suggests

the outside world beyond. Can we see the sentinel guarding our octopus cabinet all day? Not so far. Not in this room, no.

Alright, I'm going to do an investigation. Let's go up the thing, and as we walk up the path, I do an investigation check. Great, what do you get? Sorry, I rolled it off the table. I got a 16 plus investigation, so that is... And you're not investigating the chamber? 19.

I guess I'm doing a general investigation as I leave the octopus walk up the path. 19. I guess I'm doing a general investigation as I leave the octopus and walk up the path. Dave, I investigate the chamber. Thank you so much. That's a 7. No, that's a 16. No, yeah, minus 1. Oh, wait. Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, yeah. It was on a jaunty angle. Okay.

So you both succeed in your investigation checks. So you see that the while everything is beautifully finished, it seems that the orb is suffering. Orb. The beautiful green. Orb. That's from a different stream anyway.

Oh, shit, yeah. Still a funny word to say no matter what context. The glass orb that was once full of a translucent green liquid is now almost opaque with a milky white dead and sluggish. What is it, Dave? It's Kahlua and milk. It's Kahlua and milk. We ran a milk...

And the tetrahedron that was floating inside it is cracked with a dark crack inside it and it dies. It chimes twice more and dies. Meanwhile, Frieza, you're already making your way up the corridor and you see... Make a stealth check because you were trying to investigate quietly, I assume. Uh-oh. No!

That is six in total. Three plus three is six. Okay, whistling to yourself, you make your way up the stairs and then for there are indeed stairs cut into the cave trail and as you make your way up... I'm walking up some stairs you find a huge heavy figure

and it looks like a giant mechanical octopus. Damn, this octopus is going to make me act up. In place of its head, just underneath what seems to be rendered in steel and cogs a kind of Abe Lincoln-esque hat, is a single bulbous bullseye lantern shining a blue light, scanning the way ahead, scanning the entrance to the cave. Other than that, you can see that it is covered in spikes, rough skin, like really gross skin,

like foot callous skin. And that's weird because it's made of metal, but there are just like patches that have been grown onto it. And it has to be said, a dump truck ass. And it's scanning ahead of you, but because you're making noise and you failed your stealth check, it whirs and spins around, and as it does, you can see that the bullseye lantern head

is full of a sack of amniotic milky fluid, a tetrahedron floating, cracked inside it, and it clicks its head at an angle, turns, and then the light goes from blue to red, and you have a second to act if you want to. Uh, oh, Dave, are there any corpses around? No, it's... I mean, there's one. You are holding part of the corpse of what once was a delicious pig.

Or, fuck, what do we think happened there? Do we think... Are you trying to work out if it's vegan to eat the ham? No, because I know obviously you weren't planning on there being a ham in the chamber. Oh, well, let's not peek behind the curtain. If we retcon it, Dave, do we think that when Cassius was building it, it was just after Christmas and he had a spare ham

and he just left it there? No, I don't think that's... Or do we think canonically, like, Lion Shield Banknote was turned into a ham? I think that the god cell turned Lion Shield Banknote into a ham. It's not meant to do that, but also it's not meant to have a level 8 artifice or walk into it. What if a god was in there?

Would it have turned any... No! No! Into a ham? Well, I don't know the rules. No, no, it was supposed... It wasn't like Karstus' ploy was an unlimited ham. Because I have...

One shot by a way to solve this energy crisis. It's ham and more ham. In three days' time, I have a way to save the energy crisis. It's ham and more ham. In three days time I have a way to save the energy crisis. Unlimited ham. No, no, I don't think that's it. I think this is just

the bounteous wonder of magic. Okay. But I don't think that the ham was ever a pig but it is however a corpse. I'm going to run back down the pathway then.

Okay. Can I say that as the light on this octopus turns red and looks at you, you hear a very cold, detached voice come from it and it says, Mummy is disappointed in you. Not mummy!

And it says, I'm an octopus and I'm going to eat my own butthole. There's kind of actually a rising inflection at the end of that, even though it's been programmed or magic to say it. Is it sort of a robotic voice? Yeah, I'm going to eat my own butthole. And in this case, its butthole is Friso. So, Friso, it lunges forward towards you

And one of its tentacles lashes out It has three melee attacks These are spear attacks It gets a 21, a 19 and an 11 I believe two of them hit Which means that you take two hits Piercing damage Which is all

Because that's a 1 and a 1 That's 6 1 and 1 plus 4 And 13 So you take 19 points of damage Doesn't matter Dave I'm level 9 now. I have infinite health points.

That's not how it works. And you know that's not true. Friso races down with your move action to the stairs. You have an action as well if you want. Yeah, okay. I'm going to cast a spell. I haven't really looked up what it does, though. It's never stopped you before.

Let's go with Negative Energy Flood. Oh, okay. What does that do, Dave? All right, well, it's... Have you put these in my spell with Negative Energy Flood. Oh, okay. What does that do, Dave? All right, well, it's... Have you put these in my spell book? No. No, I haven't yet, no. So you do Negative Energy Flood?

So what that is is basically it's a sort of profound bad vibe spell. You flood. It's very, very powerful. It's going to take up half of your spell slots, your packed magic, and you waste... I send ribbons of negative energy at one creature you can see within range. The creature I choose is Filch. No, the creature I choose is the octopus. Yeah.

Unless the target is undead. Is the target undead? Ooh, no, it's not. It's a construct. It must make a constitution saving throw. Yep. So, I don't... Constitution saving throw, 17.

17. It rolls a 17. It passes. Oh, I don't... Constitution save throw, 17. 17. It rolls a 17. It passes. Takes half damage, I assume, which is 48. No, it's 5d12. Half of that? Taking 5d12 necrotic damage on a failed save, or half that damage is 6 points.

Yeah, okay. Two and a half d12s. It takes 21 points of damage, and that means... Oh, I came out on top in that round then. Sucked in, Octopus. Slightly, but that is however your action, and Bastogne, you are up next. Did Val leave any little treaties in my coffin for me?

No, your coffin. You went into your coffin. Do you think Val went into your coffin while you were sleeping? I don't know. I wouldn't mind. It sounds like combat, and now I'm level nine, I can't die. Cannon, cannon. So Bastogne's going to charge in and do a flurry of blows with swords.

So what's the armor class of this bad boy? It's armor class 17. So reaching out and drawing both your scimitar of speed as well as the name sword of Sergei Von Zarovich. You lunge and strike at the monstrosity. It does. I hit twice. I miss once and I do 21 points of damage as well.

Another, all right, another 21 points of damage. It's taking a lot of damage. Filge, you're up. Make it clap! Filge casts friends on mummy. Make it clap! I'm Filchcast's friend. On Mummy? Mummy? Mummy?

It's your little girl. She's waking up. And she loves you. Let us go Okay, well that's, I mean, it's just a charisma check. Well, that gives a disadvantage with this charisma save, and I rolled a 17 and a 3, which means that you've made friends with it.

So I guess it turns around and it looks at you and it thinks you're its little girl? We are its little girls, all of us. Sorry, Mummy. I didn't mean to lash out like that. Come on, everyone. Let's go. Mummy didn't recognise us at first because she's been so sleepy. Mummy, did Val leave, like, you a message or some candy or anything for Sweet Baston?

I am programmed with a message. Oh, okay. I'm going to eat my own butthole. Okay, Mum. Love you, Mum. Love you, Mom. Love you, Mom. Bye. Okay, you make your way up out of the cave.

For the first time in who knows how many years, sunlight hits your faces as you emerge into what seems to be a kind of steaming jungle. Make quickly a survival check for me. You can have advantage, Baston. Oh, yeah. 19 plus my survival. So survival. I'm surviving.

25. All right, Baston. Everyone else doesn't need to roll because you recognize it, Baston. But it seems wrong. These are the Svalich woods that you grew up in. But there is something strange about them. You see brilliant technicolored flowers that shouldn't be there. The trunks of the trees seem bloated somehow

and weep with a heavy sap that seems foul and distorted. There is vines. There's a kind of strange tropical energy. But otherwise, there are other plants that you recognise and you're pretty sure you're in the Svalach woods. Bobby, you feel the same way as someone who's spent years in the Svalach woods. Right. Are there any

mountains or crags or anything that we actually recognise? It seems that there is the familiar shape of the Balinok mountains to the north. You can head that way if you want. Would I know the way to Strahd's castle from here? The Balinox, yeah. Yeah, alright, let's head that way. Okay, so you

make your way. Who's leading? Me. Chuck, I'm not. I will because I've got good survival. Okay, Baston's leaving. Make for me quickly just a perception check. Oh, it's uno one one, one, one, one,

one. Boy, oh boy. Oh, I've got something in my... Baston, you... I've got a wedgie. You lead the way in typical Barovian fashion because of the wolves. Usually the person taking point in the woods will always travel a little further ahead.

So you go slightly ahead of everyone, leaving marks as you were taught as a young boy on the tree trunks to mark your way and as you walk you suddenly feel a prick of a sword in the back small of your back and a voice says i wouldn't move if i were you i wouldn't do it i i if i if i was in your position right now, if our roles were reversed, is what I'm saying, if I was...

I wouldn't... Alright, well... Were you in my shoes and I in yours, I wouldn't make a move. Just take a deep breath. Okay. Now, you've been telling me a lot what you wouldn't do, but the question is

what would you do if you were me? If I was you, I'd put my hands up and I'd state your business because you are on sacred ground, Mr. But also shaky ground. You're on shaky and sacred. Both of those things. But what if you

did do that and then you thought maybe I've got a better idea. Okay. What would you do then? What if you did do that and then you thought, maybe I've got a better idea. Okay. What would you do then? What if you doubted yourself and you thought, if I put my hands on my head, I won't be able to touch my weapons. No, I wouldn't. Are you doing anything while you're confusing the poor boy? No, I'm just generally having a conversation with him.

Are we catching up, two of them, at this point? No, he's a little further ahead. Right. Listen, be quiet. I am on a mission from the elders and I will,

I will, I will brook no, um, I won't, just won't brook anything. I won't brook it. Trout? I won't,

what? I will brook, brook, just brook no trout. Turn around so I can see your face. Slowly. Hello?

Who's this? Who am I looking at? You turn around and you see a young man, quite short, closely cropped black hair. Interesting. Quite young. He has a very short sword and he's dressed in kind of Junior Woodsman's adventurer's outfit, if that makes sense.

And as soon as you turn around and he sees your face, he drops his weapon and his mouth falls open. You'll catch flies doing that. Tell me, young friend, how has violence served you in the past? There's been a mix up You guys weren't meant to wake up for a couple of hours I was actually on my way to get you

Oh gosh, can we just Do you have a newspaper on you? And by now, yes, Bobby and the rest of you have made your way into the clearing And you can see One, two Best on talking to this young man I made a friend This is my friend I'm Byron, nice to meet you, Byron clearing and you can see best on talking to this young man. I made a friend.

This is my friend. I'm Byron. Nice to meet you, Byron. Byron. You there, boy! What day is it? Now, they did say that you would want to know that. Look, as much as I do want to be the person to give you... I can't, actually. What, you don't the person to, you know, give you...

I can't, actually. What, you don't know? No, I know what the date... I mean, do you think he knows what the date is? I know what the date is. Bye, everyone. It's a Christmas day. It's a Christmas day.

God damn it, tell us. I can tell you. We need to get a fine fat goose if it is, so we need to know. I can tell you that it is Christmas Day, but I can't tell you the year. It's not Christmas Day. Okay, it's not Christmas Day. But listen, no, this is all good stuff. This is all fine.

This is all good. I just, the elders are going to tell you, and they wanted you to have time to adjust. And I've just got to sort of take you there. It's not a long walk. But yeah. And he sheeps his little sword, got to sort of take you there. It's not a long walk. But yeah. And he shapes his little sword. And he sort of... So, you know, off we pop.

Lead the way, Byron. Oh, happily. Happily, Baston. Byrony. Baston. Filge. Bobby. Byrony.

I want to say Boingus. Byron, my name is Friso. I think you know that. The post-it note above my frozen chamber said that. The post-it notes were gone, but there was a beautiful engraving of your face. Well, from the face, you would know. Yeah, you're Friso, of course.

The legendary... The crew? Byron. Little Byron. Yes, Filch Sit down a while No no no That's the one thing we

That's the one thing we cannot do Why not Byron Because I've got to get you back Make an intimidation check Why not Byron That's a 18 Byron sits down Yeah it's a pretty nice place to sit Byron I thought we were going to 18. Byron sits down. Yeah, it's a pretty nice place to sit.

Byron, I thought we were going to the elders. What's happening, dude? Yeah. Baston. Yeah. We don't know who the elders are. I can't hear you when you talk through your teeth like that. We don't know who the elders are.

I'm just pressing my hand on top of Byron's head so he can't stand up. You're very strong, so you're working him into the dirt. Screeching. Byron, little buddy. I've got a very muddy bottom. You're very, you must be very important, boy, coming to get us. When we say boy, how old are you, boy? How old are you? What?

Byron, how many moons have you seen? I've seen 25 moons. Wait. Hey, kiss this hand. So you're what? You're two? You're two years old. You haven't thought this through.

Because, because, because I took a vow to only look at the moon once a year. So you're 25 years old 25 years old because I look at the moon once a year As a treat As a treat, I get to go outside And my mum says You know, my mum says Brandon, it's Wait, is it on the same day every year?

Yep So you look at the moon on like April 3rd or whatever? Yeah, but it's some fantasy. It's boogie, boogie, boogie. But there would be so many days where you wouldn't be able to see the moon from where you're standing. Do you just stay inside at night time? So are you actually like 40?

Are you 40? No, I'm 25 every day. And if that night I can't see the moon because there's cloud cover, then I go out the next night. But I only look at it once. It's the daytime and the moon's out. Which is weird already. Yeah, daytime moons.

Do you run inside? Don't fucking look at me, Ben. You made this bed. Can we just fucking say that this is a fantasy thing where the moon only appears once a year? You love riffs. The moon appears once a year.

You love to riff. How would the tides? Yeah, because how would the tides work? Also, we know the moon's out all the fucking time because Bobby's a werewolf. Byron! Yes, Filch? Tell me about these elders.

Um, well, um, it's a very wise council. How old are they? Because Baston wants to fuck a real old one. Yeah. Oh, they range in ages. The head of the council. We need names, Byron. You're dilly-dallying.

Dilly-dallying! Sorry. I misheard, I'm sorry. Is it not enough to say that I was sent by the head of the council? Dilly-dallying. Dilly-dallying. Sorry. I misheard. I'm sorry. Is it not enough to say that I was sent by the head of the council? The lord of the council. The lord of the new.

Lord of the new. Lord of the new. Ooh. Is it still the jazz age? Yes, it is. That is officially what we call this time. And what currency do you use here in the jazz age? Fucking shells. I don't know.

And what's everyone's deal? Are they like... You're overwhelming the poor boy. He's a young boy. He's seen 25 moons. I've already said too much. You're bullying a two-year-old. I've already said too much.

Now, please. The Lord of the New will be displeased if I can't deliver you. And, you know, this was a pretty bloody deal for me, I've got to say. I've got to say, going out here and being the one to... Are we in trouble, Byron? No, no, goodness no, no. I mean, there is an element of undesirable. You're not in trouble.

You know what it is? Nobody's crossed with you. Here's my question to you. Who do you think we are? You're the dragon friends. And what do you think we do? You're adventurous. And what do you think we've done?

You're adventured and you went back in time and then the... You know... How do you know we went back in time? You were companions of Banknote. You caused the fall. You saved our people. You... Hey, Byron. You want to kiss a ham?

Can I do that later? Okay, just, you know, it's 25 bucks to kiss the hand. It's 25 shells. 25 shells. It's 25. I'm not made of shells. 25 shells if you want to smooch the hand. You can smooch it anywhere.

Do you know that... Why did that ride on the tip of the bone? You can kiss the big bone. All right, fire it. You can kiss the golden tassels. You can kiss the big bone. All right, Byron. You can kiss the golden tassels. You can do whatever. 50 shells, you can do whatever you want. Now, Byron, look.

50 shells, Byron. Can I please stand up? Look, we like you, Byron, okay? So if things go pear-shaped at the council, if you find an escape route for us, you can kiss, Byron, okay? So if things go pear-shaped at the council, if you find an escape route for us, you can kiss the hand, all right? How's that sound for a deal?

Sounds great. If you fuck us, you don't get to kiss the hand. Nobody's effing anybody, all right? Oh. Yeah, no one's paid 50 shills yet. You can all, you've spent enough time, make all for me insight checks to get a sense of if you think you can trust him. 13.

6. 2. I got an 18. You all think that you can trust him. He seems a boy without malice. I got a 2, Dave. You have your suspicions. You think he really wants to fuck the ham.

You think that's his main, like, super objective. Yeah, like, Bobby thinks that you can trust him to take you to the Council of Elders. You think you can't trust him to be alone with the ham. You just hug it tighter to your chest. You know what? Give me the 50 shells now. Give me the shells now. I don't...

I didn't carry... I have some travelling money in case... Alright, let's go. Byron, we like you, buddy. Yeah? We like you. That's good. We trust you.

You're a good boy. Stay away from the ham just in case. You want to hop on my shoulders? You must be... Your little legs. No, I'm going to walk ahead. I'm going to lead the way. If we see any danger.

You can pick him up if you want. Or any kind of beastie. Filch picks him up. His legs are dangling and he'll say, you stop there, beastie. I've got little legs. What do I get around? Filch gently deposits Byron on her shoulders.

This is nice. It's that way. We've got to make up for lost time. All right. Off we go. You make your way forward, and with him pointing the way, you head, and you realize you are heading not directly towards the Balinox, but to the shadow beyond the Balinox.

And you can see, as the tree line breaks for the first time, you get a good look at where you are going. To the right are the Balinox and you can see as the tree line breaks for the first time you get a good look at where you are going. To the right are the Balinox majestic, timeless, those old mountainous constructs that once held the castle Ravenloft in your timeline and then a deep skid has been cut into them

and then eases down the side of them into a crater where you can see as the tree line breaks the mostly intact silhouette of what must be old High Island are now crashed in a crater on the dirt. The towers of that proud city are askew. The outskirts already struggling against the onslaught, the relentless onslaught of the jungle, damaged but inlaught of the jungle,

damaged but in a state of optimistic repair. As he turns to you and he says, this is our home. Welcome to La Rune's Landing. Mmm. La Rune, eh? Now, I'd say that you have time to go to the toilet and do, you know, you could do a wee or a poo, but we really don't.

Maybe a wee. If you need to do a wee, you've got... Oh, you'd like it if I went to the toilet and do... You know, you could do a wee or a poo, but we really don't... Maybe a wee. If you need to do a wee, you've got... Oh, you'd like it if I went to the bathroom, wouldn't you? Leave the ham out of you if you'd a diddle to your heart's content. You ham-diddling pervert. Am I taking that to understand that no-one needs a wee? No-one needs a wee? No-one needs a wee? If I say I need to do a wee, but I do a poo, will you go without me? I'm under instructions that I cannot arrive unless all four of you are here, but I would be...

I'm not going to arrive with a turtle's head poking out. Do you need to go? Simon! I've been asleep for a thousand years. I went to a party beforehand. I went straight into this chamber, octopus chamber. Some stuff has been happening. Well, go do it.

Just do it. He's on my shoulders. I've just realised one thing. Have all the dragon friends been really hungover for like a thousand years? Yeah. That's why I wanted to

pick the ham when I woke up. Some more so than others, but I think, yeah, Baston, completely invigorated. Filch, a little bit hungover. Baston, probably very hungover. Friso, never feels anything. No, no.

Dead eyes, dead heart, can't lose. You can do a poo so everybody's in a good place when they go in. Yep, let's... So, Byron, have you ever had sex with anyone? You can tell you. I've done it. Oh, my goodness, yes. I bet you never have, but I have. Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell.

Why not? Because I have not kissed. A loser! Something in Byron really seems to break. He goes very quiet and he sort of just becomes very interested in his shoes. Is there a special person in your life, Byron? Well, Lenora,

it's not really a complicated, because we're friends, but no. Lenora? Lenora. Where does she live? In the fridge? Is she a ham, you pervert? What's going on? I think it's probably best if we just...

How are you going with that number two there, Bobby? Don't talk to me. She got pretty blonde hair. It's going back up. I'm going to have to start again. How do you start again? Bobby does a handstand, spreads his ass, shakes his butt, scoops it back in.

Is that what you're saying? No, the turtle's just gone back into the chair. Don't talk to him. Don't talk to him. All right, there's work to be done here with young Byron. All right, so she lives in the fridge. She's a shy turtle, isn't she? No, she doesn't live in the fridge.

She lives right here on La Rune's landing And well, she's a pretty special girl Oh dear And we're going to get her back to you, aren't we Byron? What? And you see Oh no And as Bobby unfortunately resets and you see... Oh, no! Oh! And as Bobby unfortunately resets...

The rest of you see a figure walking towards you and says, you've done good, lad. You should go inside. So, wait, we bullshitted around so long that you've just brought the council to us? It wouldn't be the first fucking time, Hank. For yes, indeed, you can see figures walking

towards you from the building. Was there a whole beautiful set up? Waiting to welcome us? I mean, scroll, scroll. Were there balustrades, Dave? It's fine. Those balustrades, they turned to ash in your mouth, Dave. You can see that there are a few figures, all of them in robes,

and in front of them there is a giant of a man, pepper-flecked beard and widow's peak, old joy lines around his eyes but still powerful little like a man who could crush a skull between his hands giant of a man 50 years old

and he's leading the rest of them and he has a pin on his cloak the rest stand respectfully this is the figure that had addressed Byron as he walks towards you and introduces himself well you fuckers look better than I do well thanks you look alright you've got a grizzled thing going on it's respectable are you a vampire is it Strahd what's going on well you're right

about one thing you really don't recognise me A fella grows a beard and ages 25 years And you don't recognise him It's Strahd you dickheads Are you a vampire? No! This is an older Strahd than you've ever seen The Strahd who was turned in his 30s

Was timeless He was always in this perfect end of youth age. But this is now an older man. Hot check. What do I add to checking if someone's hot? Oh, fucking hell. Perception? Yeah, sure.

Plus one. He's a daddy. Okay, alright And he's real old, you say? No, he's not real old Zaddy? Zaddy? He's a Zaddy

How old was Strahd? He was about 29 when they knew him Yeah, so he's about How many moons is that? We don't know Wait, wait, wait But we were asleep for I haven't met a newspaper boy

So I assume a thousand years Okay, look, you're But we were asleep for... I haven't met a newspaper boy, so I assume a thousand years. Okay, look, you're going to get a bit cross here. But please, promise... It's not... There's been a bit of a hitch. Nobody's crossed with you. Did Byron tell you that nobody's crossed with you? Yes, specifically you.

Are we about to be crossed with you, though, Shrug? No, look, again, this is nobody's fault. But, look, there was some calculations that weren't quite right. And yeah, look, it's been... Byron's gone, by the way. He said just before, you should go in, son. It's happened. It's time.

And Byron turned white and has left. It's not been a thousand years. It's been less. It's been... It's been what, like 20 years? Oh, no. No, that would be really disappointing. It's been 25 years.

You're telling me that Byron was a baby when we went into the octopus? Well, Byron wasn't born when he went into the octopus. Is Byron your child? No, no. And he turns and looks at Bastard. Oh! Guys, we've got to go back in time. We've got to get out of here.

Bobby goes... Flush. Wait, what'd I miss? We've got to get out of here. Bobby goes, flush. Wait, what'd I miss? How did he flush out in the woods? He just says flush. I just say flush. I put a leaf on it. So maybe we can talk about that now,

but right now there's something I want you guys to see. Can you come with me? Okay. That's disappointing disappointing I'm disappointed Well hang on Let's not say we're disappointed Because Baston has a son And I think

If he overhears us say that about him It'll be upsetting for the boy Not as upsetting to learn that his son is a ham pervert Filch If our son grows up to be a ham pervert We will love them all the same. Because that's what parents do. Even ham stuff?

Yeah, I mean, the ham's not real. We can do whatever we want to the ham. 50 shells, I'll let you have a fucking go. Led by Strahd, the rest of the... The old show just really turns her back to Frieza, just so you know. The rest of you all make your way into what you see as a large vaulted room. Once, obviously, a beautiful Nethereese chamber, and now in a state of optimistic repair,

and yet still you can see that it is failing. The netherese drift globes that illuminated this place, most are cracked and failing, replaced with honest oil lamps. What was once a huge floating candelabra in the center of the room is now hoisted by sturdy chains. There are timber pews that have been laid out. There is a priest standing in front of an altar, and in front of that is a casket. To its side is the figure of Byron, and lying in repose in that casket

is the face of a figure in wire-framed glasses, a shock of white hair, now older and sadly deceased, of Marceline Val. Oh, bummer. This is sad. This. Okay, son.

Look, I know I wasn't around a lot while you were growing up. The priest looks at you like, this is not the time. Strahd's like, hey, hey, hey, Bastion. Just real quick. Sidebar, sidebar. I know you're very emotional right now.

But look, we don't... Byron was never really told about anything in terms of who was... Me being his dad. Well, I mean, he might have a suspicion, but... Do you think he wants to know? Look, I think that... I'm just saying this might not be the time to have that... Why? Because he's probably sad about his mum dying, but here I am.

That's an upper. Balance. Sure, just pick your moment, is all I'm saying. Okay. Okay. Like now? Well... Everybody takes their seats.

Many. It seems that Marceline Valle was beloved by this community at La Rune's Landing As Strade takes the podium and gives a speech You know, my enduring memory of Marceline was You know, there's a saying that we have a lot here That when somebody could really catch an egg It meant they were a reliable person Whatever life threw at you,

they'd take it in their little teppanyaki bowl. And, you know, Marcy really could catch an egg. And she helped me and was very wise in this new age. And, well, it's going to be a lot harder without her. And, well, it's going to be a lot harder without her. And, well, it's pretty good timing because four people who meant a lot to her are here if they want to say some words and kiss the casket. Are we allowed to ask questions or more statements?

What are you...? Have you ever been to a funeral where there's a questions part? Has that ever happened once? Where there's a Q&A? Because you said it like it was an option. Yeah. So wait. Does anyone know this person?

So when you go to a funeral... My question is really more of a four-part question. When you go to mourn a loved one or an old relative who you didn't know very well or whatever, there's no opportunity to hand up, what about this? None of that? What about this? Hand up, what about this? What about this?

And you're holding a picture or something. I had 25 years of not having to deal with this. 25 years! You've got your funeral speaking privileges revoked. Sorry to pull rank, but... I've got something to say. Marceline Val was a thief. A thief of my heart.

And more importantly, my virginity. Strahd leans in. Pull it back. Pull it back. Pull it back, mate. Pull it back. Because there's a bunch of people in there who wouldn't have known you guys fucked. Because you guys met, they went on an adventure, then you fucked and then you went to a machine for 25 years. So a bunch of people I reckon actually met, I reckon a bunch of people in the audience at the funeral probably like, I have a question now. Please save your questions till the end. I've been to many lands, many places, many worlds.

But I've only done it once. But it still counts! Alright, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. And I just wanted to say... There is confused applause. Please hold your questions till the end. I just wanted to say that Val made a machine to send us to the future and it didn't work very well.

But that's no mark against her character because she was the woman that I loved. Only for a day. Also, I will never die. Thank you very much. Questions? Byron's like, Hey, strange man, did you fuck my mum?

Yes, I did. My son. George wants to say something. Yep, I guess she's going to talk now. I did. Mark, Phyllis wants to say something. Yep, I guess she's going to talk now. Please hold on. I did bring this on myself. Me made a poem.

Oh, she's got a poem. Alright, it's amazing because you learned about this death ten minutes ago. You saved our lives. You loved our friend.

And we'll remember you till the, you really could catch an egg. And with that, the congregation rises as one. Did they all say at the same time? They all put one hand out in front of them and then yoink it back as if grabbing something that you can't see, as if thrown by a slug they don't remember. Solemnly in unison.

And then they take that hand and place it on their foreheads, stand up and leave. Bobby stands there with his hand on his forehead, copying them and says, Holy freaking dooly. And also with you. And with that people file out some of them are offering words of condolence to Byron, who poor succeeds his mother, and Strahd walks up to the four of you. Already you can see that there are figures trying to get his attention, but he waves them off. All right. Well, crying's off.

No more of that. Guys, Mum wanted you to have this note. It was... Is this Strahd? This is Byron. It's Byron. Oh, okay. Is that okay?

Sure. Mum wants... That's not what I said, but that's fine. Oh, sorry. Can Friso say something to Byron? Sure. Hey, Byron, I know that now you're probably looking for, like, parental figures or whatever. Hi.

And I just... If you need someone to talk to or hang figures or whatever hi and i just if you need someone to talk to or hang out or just like just be a dad i'm here that's really nice i've um and i'm happy to do that byron that's really nice i've known you for about three hours now and um i've gotten really weird vibes so hey hey baron keep your hands off my hand Alright, yes I will I know you're emotional now But ham's not going to solve your problems Baston

Mum wanted me to give you this And give it to you So Here it is, and he gives you like a letter I open it and I read it out loud. It says, and he does the voice, which is... So he's memorized it? Sorry?

He's memorized the letter? No, well, Baston's reading it out loud. Oh, okay. Baston. Holy frickin' dooly. I have terrible news We did not realise How the ether

Cassus Left us Was corrupted The calculations Were wrong The cold cell Engine Is dying

There is hope However If you can get To the Vokalai Gorge The Lakalai Gorge This is all written down The Val Vokalaj Gorge, V-A-L-A-K-A-L-A-J Gorge. This is all written down. The Valaki Gorge. The Valaki, V-A-L-A-K-A-L-A-J Gorge.

No, Valaki. Valoka. Valaki. V-A-L-A-K-A-L-A-J Gorge. This is all written down. My darling best son, I am in ill health. My mind slips in and out for details, but never of your face.

But if you can get to the gorge that I wrote down before, just read up a couple of lines, it will be the last one that I said, because that will be the right one. There have been rumours there that the dragons have come back and been seen there, there that the dragons have come back and been seen there, so if you can find an egg, I guess

in a way, if you can catch an egg, I can see you reading this and laughing, your stupid little laugh, and return the egg intact. It contains a kind of magic that can power the engine. Byron will show you

how. Baston, I promise to get you home and I will. P.S. You should talk to Brandon. He has a lot to understand. Brandon! Brandon! Brandon?

I did write Brandon down. And then Val has crossed out Brandon and written Byron. No, she hasn't. She's gone PPS. Hey, I just graded this back. And boy, am I glad I did, because I got the name of my son wrong. His name is Boingus.PS oh boy I'm not long for this world Byron his name is Byron and he's ours all my love Byron is looking at you respectfully he obviously hasn't read the letter he's

watching a lot of mistakes in this that is the funniest feedback to being given a gift by the departant's only child. Yeah, well... She couldn't approve for it at all. Yeah, Byron. Your mum was really checked out by the end, wasn't she, Byron? Goodness gracious!

Apparently we should talk. A couple of mistakes, mate. Yeah, a few mistakes. But you're not one of them. We should talk about what? He doesn't understand you. Look, I've got to go and go to a gorge and find a dragon egg. But when I get back, I will talk.

No! No! All right, I'm your dad, uh, we'll talk. No! No! No! Alright, I'm your dad, obviously. Look at me. Everything good about you, half of what's good about you, look, I'm, uh... You don't know how to do this, do you, Enid?

Do you? I, look, this is gonna be, uh, three men in an orc situation, do you know what I mean? Where you've kind of got like a team now, like a team of agents. And, you know, you're the star. Oh, boy. I'm the Gutenberg.

You're the Ted Danson. I don't know the movie. Oh, boy, neither do I, and I'm in grief. So, look, Byron, let's go dig a hole and put your mum in it. And picture, if you will, a boy lost asunder, a boy who has had everything taken away from him with the promise, perhaps, that his mysterious father might yet unlock truths for him that he does not even know,

answers to questions he cannot even ask, and yet instead he has come face to face with Baston Andrirovich, handsome man, emotionally stunted child from a time impossible, 975 years in the future or 25 years in the past, depending on how you do the maths, saying unto that child,

let's dig a hole for your mum. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins

and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Euronation. Cut to like a week later. Byron is on a couch talking to his therapist. I mean, it's not like how I imagined it, I guess.

I mean... Yeah, yeah. You know, we talked about this and we talked about not knowing who my father was and if I could sort of visualise how I wanted the moment to go. And the important thing is you're your own man. No, I understand that, Alison. It's just that I didn't think that there'd be so many

or any, really, references to Ted Danson. Well, hang on, have you seen... I've not seen Three Men and a Baby, no. Oh, OK. Have you seen Three Men and a Baby? Was. Oh, okay. Have you seen Three Men and a Baby? Was he in Becca? He was in Becca. Yeah.

But again, I also didn't think that the conversation I'd be having with you... Oh, actually, you know what he's good at? What? In Curb, where he plays himself. No, I've not seen Curb either. You haven't seen Curb? Oh, you have to see Curb. It's infuriating, but sometimes you're like,

oh my goodness, I'm a little bit like Larry David. That's how I... Do you understand That I just found out Who my father is Is that something That I didn't make clear Now time is up

That's $180 Sorry Shells $180 Shells