Dragon Friends - #8.03. Thank You, The Dave with Scott Edgar

Episode Date: April 10, 2022

The Dragon Friends are faced with a quest; retrieve a dragon egg that can power their enchanted sleep. With Baston's progeny in toe, they set out to restart their journey back home. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We're just literally two minutes ago when we were back there we had a little conversation We were talking about the beginning of the show Let's get into it What did you say? What did you say about the beginning of the show? I said let's get into it They're sick of just bullshit at the top Let's get into it

And yet here we are talking about a cinematic experience About a haircut Ben once had in 2005 Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Don't worry Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again

And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back And that's your fear set You can always go back Winding! A laconic path around the foot of the Balinok Mountains is the region of dense woodlands known to the people of Laroon's Landing as Vallaki Gorge.

The heat bouncing off the mountains seems singularly focused and trapped under the dense canopy and greatcoats and other outerwear are quickly discarded as the four of you push deeper and deeper into the jungle with your new guide, Byron Indriroval. The dragon friend's mission. Find a red dragon egg that it might power the cold cell engines of magical sleep that have been designed to ferry you back 970 years to your own time, the Third Age, and your home. And once again, hello to any new fans of the podcast that are listening today. In the third age, the gorge is, of course, nothing more than a barren ravine,

so it is startling to see it so vibrant. If anything, the plants here are too healthy, groaning, swollen, and garishly coloured, dripping with sticky and potent saps. I hate these horny plants, Dave. I hate them. Why do you make the plants so horny, Dave? Dave's got a horrible little stiffy for these plants. The plants have huge titties.

Heavy with milk. Oh, please milk my titty flowers, Papa Dave. Is that what you're thinking, you sick freak? No, I think you're disgusting. Are you going to sit on this stage at the Sydney Comedy Store and say, please milk my titty flowers, Dave? Is that what you're going to say? It's disgusting.

Are these people who just want nothing more but some non-filthy world building? It's a genre convention. We said that we should get going. It's a, you know, it's like, it's an overripe, something has corrupted the nature. No, it's like it's it's like Magic it's like Pandora in Avatar. It's that kind of Hyper hyper vibrant

I didn't say that no, but it's like it's It's None of this stuff Was in the notes When we discussed it Buzzing and humid And sticky We wrote a nice story And then you put Plant stiffies in there Dave

Yeah If we're in Pandora No I didn't say that If this is Avatar Don't You can't start No you can't start

With a premise that is a lie I didn't say that If we're in Avatar, Dave, and obviously this all means we're all sexy blue creatures now. Oh, yeah. Feel free to reimagine that. But also, does that mean, what's the unobtainium? I guess the dragon egg is the unobtainium.

Is that how that works? If you're going to just make these decisions, I don't have to be here. How do you spell unobtainium, Dave? Oh, for fuck's sake. I mean, if we're in Pandora and we're buying like a charm for our niece... There are howls, chitters and other noises coming from deeper in the gorge too. Did he say jizzers?

Chitters. Howls and jizzers. We flew you here from Melbourne Because you're meant to be on my side They don't need your help bullying me Scott Thank you very much This is Scott Edgar from Tripad Coming here to ruin my life

Look we've been really unproductive so far And I think we would really be able to help you out By making some soundscapes To help you with your world building. I'd just like to offer all of the drag. Dripping with sticky and potent saps. There are howls.

Chitters. And other noises. Curse. Blunch! Coming from deeper in the gorge too. Noises that sound uncomfortably familiar and yet utterly, utterly alien. If Byron, your guide, shares...

If Byron, your guide, shares your growing concerns, he is keeping them to himself. At least, that is, until you come across the eviscerated corpse of a gigantic wolf spider splayed out on the path in front of you. No. Tell us about...

Now, a wolf spider. What are we looking at here? Is it a spider with the head and the teeth? Well, there is just now a wolf spider. What are we looking at here? Is it a spider with the head and the teeth? There is just a normal wolf spider. No, there is. But in Dungeons and Dragons, a wolf spider is actually, it's a medium size. On Pandora.

World building, please. It's the size of a large dog. It would be so funny if this riff ended up with us getting sued by James Cameron. Come at me, man. I'll win and I'll get you a submarine. Could we make it a wolf with eight legs? Because I'd really like that. Actually, this is where I was going because I said everything here is mutated and strange.

It's the size of a large dog. It has eight spider's legs. It also has three wolf legs And it has one large full-sized And one small vestigial wolf's head So it has 11 legs And 23 eyes It is bloated

It is disemboweled Dragged along the path And slightly charred And Byron does not look thrilled to see it Oh gosh Oofy doofy, guys. So your last character's catchphrase was ooly dooly. My last character's catchphrase was ooly dooly,

and also these characters are related, so it actually kind of makes sense. It was kind of a loving homage before you decided to be a prick about it in front of all these people. Oofy doofy. Oofy doof all these people. Oofy doofy. Oofy doofy, Dave. Oofy doofy.

Yeah, Dad? Byron, oh, good, good, good. You're calling me Dad. You're calling me Dad. I mean, I don't have to if you don't... Don't, don't, never stop. Do you want us to call you Dad? Daddy?

Daddy. Daddy. Look, I shouldn't like it, but I do. So what are you, you ever seen something like that before, son? Look, I've seen something like that, but not looking in that state before. There are weird animals out this far. But guys, look, whatever did that, you know, it's not mucking around. He's not talking about the mutation.

He's talking about the disemboweling and the burning. Yeah, that's not mucking around, guys. That's not here for a haircut. You know what I mean? That's not... What do you mean? I just mean, you know, you guys are adventurers. You guys have done your share of mortal combat with beasties and whatnot.

As have I, obviously. But this doesn't freak you out at all, does it? No. Is this a dragon has done this? I mean, look, when you see stuff that's torn up and then burnt, I mean, path of least resistance in terms of the brain goes to dragon. Yeah, because we are on the hunt for a dragon egg. Yeah. So I think this is, but it does look like... It wasn't here for a haircut.

It just looks like he needed to fuck some wolf spiders, I think is what it was here for. Yeah, that's good. Byron draws his very short sword and he... No! You're supposed to be on my side too! I established this in the last episode He has a very short sword And he uses it to poke at the foliage

Do it again Says one of the leaves He pokes at the foliage Do it again He pushes some leaves aside And you can see that there are tracks tracks leading off the path into the undergrowth. This far from Laroon's landing, the forest gets pretty horny. That's a technical ranger term.

What's caused that? Is it a curse? No one really knows about the fallout. Obviously before my time. Seemed to happen around the time of the fall of Nethereal. So that giant city in the sky fell to this forest and everything turned horny overnight. So you saw Laroon's Landing,

which is the crashed remains of Ilanai. That's correct. And it is already being reclaimed at the edge of the jungle of the Lucky Gorge. And everywhere around here seems to sort of be being in a state of verdant transformation. Real horny. Hey, Byron, thinking about this creature here, it looks like its mummy might have been a wolf. And its daddy might have been a spider.

And you can see they're kind of mixed together into one creature. Kind of like you. I mean that... Are you explaining breeding to me? Yeah, absolutely. That's what I was... I just thought this was a good example of how you came into the world. I mean, I know how that works,

Dad. Again, he's 25. Yeah. I just thought... I've seen 25 moons, Dad. Bearing in mind that I only look at one moon every year, so that makes me 25 years old. Well, look, I'm just trying to... Look, here, let's walk and talk. All right.

So, what are you learning about in school? I'm 25. Okay, right. Okay, that's it. Pastan is sweating but not because of the jungle. What do you think when you when you finish do you think you what do you want to be when you grow up? Well mum And of... But I... Yeah, I mean, really? Well, what's wrong with being a scientist? I mean, it's great to be a scientist, but you're half me.

Come on. Well, I was thinking that maybe... I don't know, I could be an adventurist or something. There's not a lot of... Well, adventuring. I could tell you something about that. Yeah, could you? Yeah, you just...

It just keeps happening. You know, you're just there and bam! Falling through space, falling through time. You're inside something, you're outside of something. Do you ever get scared, Dad? Never. And then, you're outside of something. Do you ever get scared, Dad? Never. And then you're a dad. And with that horrifying insight,

let the fantasy camera drift forward through the party to the figures of Bobby Pancake and Friso, who have taken up the lead. Friso, of course, the once high elf, now human. Warlock, who are leading the way into the jungle and a need for you both, as you go, to just make for me quickly some perception checks because you're at the front.

Ooh, it's a net 20, babe. I mean, Dave. That's the equivalent of calling your teacher mum. I meant to call you teacher babe. That would be worse. Whoa. Okay. I got a hot four.

Okay, well, you guys... So you guys are leading the way. I might come in with the answers to those roles, but for now, you have a moment together. God, this jungle. Super horny, hey. Yeah, I am feeling the effects. I'll be honest.

Wait, no, I said the jungle is horny. Yeah, and... And it's making you... Well, doesn't horny stuff make you horny? No. So what does it do to you? Makes me scared. Uh-huh. What do you mean? So hang on,

wait, so you see, just say you come across two people doing it. Yeah. You're gonna be like, oh, me too, please. No. Well, no, I won't presume to. No, of course not. But you'd get all turgid or whatever downstairs. Not me.

Turgid? Is that not what that word means? No, it is. It is? Unfortunately, it is. Okay. Because if I saw two people doing it, I'm running. I'm sprinting.

Can I ask you a question? When you wank, which famously you have. It's been a while. I haven't been in the hyperbaric chamber. But what are you thinking about? If not something horny? Sort of just white space.

So nothingness. The freedom of the void. Yeah, it's sort of a blank void. Yeah. It's like an empty... So nothingness, the freedom of the void. Yeah, it's sort of a blank... Yeah, yeah. It's like an empty... Imagine you were transported into a sort of a purgatory of sorts. Have you seen the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey where you're floating in the brilliant majesty of the cosmos

and then rearing over a planet as a giant baby? So you better not come there because that's... I'm cool. Or is that how the baby got there in the first place? Just doing it into the void. Hey, Filge. What do you think about this jungle? Very sexy jungle.

Me just sitting down having a pretty spicy conversation with this flower, actually. Whenever I talk, it blinks its big flowery, nectary eyelashes at me. Me think we've got something going on. Damn. You going to take the flower with you? No, I think I'm going to let the flower take me. Too horny. Let's get out of this horny junk. We don't like it here anymore. You made your own bed because actually

what you're saying is interesting because you rolled a 20, did you for your perception check? That's right. You turn around and you have a look at this plant that Phil just looking at. Oh my. It's a huge bulbous, like a... Did you say bulbous or bulbous?

You know like a sort of fly trap, a Venus fly trap, but this one is sort of, again like everything else here like a sort of fly trap, a Venus fly trap. But this one is sort of, again, like everything else here, it sort of stinks of sap. Fuck me, Seymour. That's not a line from that musical. And it has five purple frond vines coming off it.

And as Filch looks at it, it sort of turns and suddenly a gaping moor opens up at the plant. You fellas see that gaping moor? A cloud of pollen seems to envelop Filge and you get a sudden sense that Filge is in great peril. But you rolled a 20, so I'll give you a chance to act if you want. I'm going to put my collar up over my nose and just... Get out your short sword? No, can I vault up to Filge and cover her mouth and nose?

You're going to try? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. All right, make for me very quickly a dexterity check. That is a 24. Excuse yeah, absolutely. All right, make for me very quickly a dexterity check. That is a 24. Excuse me, Dave. Yes. If I believe that this plant and I are having a moment, would I not reject Bobby's advances?

Oh, that's a good point. Make for me an insight check. If he was cock-blocking me, I would push him away. I have to say that as a dungeon master, I misread the scene, but if that's what's happening then oh I'm sorry Bobby but as you dive forward towards

Filge, Filge with a practiced hand just places a meaty palm in your face you go into it and you go down immediately into the muck and unfortunately as a result, the scarf or collar around your neck falls off

and you take in a big breath of pollen as we go immediately into combat because the body taker plant is already spitting its murderous pollen on all of you. Body taker plant? Son, you should have told me it was called a buddy take a plant. Now, the rest of you are still a few ways down the track, but Bobby Pancakes, you are up first.

Already in the muck, prone on the ground. You can have a quick action if you want. Okay, I'm going to slice at its roots. Okay. So that's a 26. 26 will hit. Okay. That's 12 damage. 12 damage, right. The damage doesn't seem to do very Okay. That's 12 damage.

12 damage, right. The damage doesn't seem to do very much. It's a plant. It doesn't matter. This kind of lashing in into it is not doing that much damage. Sap is going everywhere all over your luck blade. And everything is looking disgusting and awful and wet and hot. And I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said the adventure here, but we're just going to have to go with it. Friso. I'm going to run towards the plant and then cast Burning Hands on it. Great. All right. All right. I'll make it actually...

Yeah, it's got to make a dexterity saving throw, but it's a plant, so it can't move, Dave. You got it. But am I not sort of wrapped up in the plant? Well, I was going to say, Bobby's in front of the plant. Filge is right in front of the plant. Yeah, so I'm doing it from an angle

that's not going to attack them. No, hang on. No, just say that. It's a cone. I do it in the perfect way. Yeah, no, because I'm doing it from an angle that's not going to attack them. No, hang on. Can I just say that? It's a cone. I do it in the perfect way. Yeah, no, because I said I was going up and just placing my hands on them. I don't mean to Sophie's choice you, but you're going to have to pick if it hits Filge or if it hits Bobby.

Is that what that movie was about? It's setting a child on fire. I will. I can take it. And you're not allowed to roll. Probably Filge. I'll hit Filge. Yeah, burn Filge up. I will... I can take it. And you're not allowed to roll. Probably Filch. I'll hit Filch. Yeah, burn Filch up.

So I'll do my rolls. 3d6, is that right? Oh, no, it's 3d8, isn't it? Oh, God. Oh. Okay, that's a lot of damage. Yep. That's 22 damage.

22 damage, all right. This hurts the plant. It rears back. The pollen seems to, like, firebursts, and the air also erupts into flame. It's all highly flammable. You unfortunately take... No, Alex can do a...

You can do an Excerity save to take half. Excerity save and throw. 21. You take half that damage. You take 11 points of damage. You try to roll out of the way. Baston, you take your action running forward, but it's now time for the plant to attack.

And from the centre of its maw, a vine snakes out. Oh, yum. Oh, a turgid vine? A turgid vine, but it goes for you, Bobby. Yeah. And I just need to make a quick roll. Plus 726 will hit. It hits you, and you are grappled.

Make for me an acrobatics check. DC 15 as you try to break free. I make it. Okay. And you manage to duck away from the vine at the last second. You do, however, take the damage, which means that you take nine points of damage and, Filge, you are up.

And how am I feeling? Like, what kind of effects am I feeling being in the sort of midst of this plan? Lightheaded, but you don't need to roll anything just yet. But you don't feel great. Do I know that this is a bad plan being in the sort of midst of this plan. Lightheaded, but you don't need to roll anything just yet. But you don't feel great. Do I know that this is a bad plan or do I still think I'm having sexy times with the plan with the nice eyes? Well, I reckon you have a fucking inkling.

It's just... Because so far the only damage I've taken is from my friend Freezo. Oh, that's true. It was collateral damage. I was just minding my own business. I didn't want to make a big show about it. And then all my friends came and are harshing my bus. Okay, I want you to just act however Phil should act.

So whatever reaction you think is fair. She yells at them, get your own. And then what would happen if I tried to grab one of the vines of the body taker plant? Oh, you're going to try and grab one? Make a dexterity check for me. Yeah, that's a four. Okay. Never done it before.

You dive into the mouth trying to grab a vine leaf. It spins around making an opportunity attack against you. Can I? Is Byron watching this? Byron will come in in a second. It's just arriving, actually, and is just there in time to see Filge reach in. He shouts, don't do that! And as he does, you see something glittering just beyond the vine.

It looks like an old, twisted staff, as if carved by an artisan woodcarver. You reach in to try and get the vine and the moor bites and swallows Filge whole. Filge disappears inside the plant. And Kyron says, that's why I said don't do that. When I said don't do that, that's what I

was worried about. That reminds me of the night you were conceived, my son. Okay. Bobby, you're up. Filge is now trapped inside the plant. And Filge, by the way, you need to take acid damage as well. You take... Oh, God.

Quite a lot, actually. Oh, 26 acid damage. So you're on the side of the tracks that you're leading in. Don't you have an explode spell or anything? No. Oh, come on, man. Fire seemed to be very effective. Yeah.

I have a tinderbox, I guess. I can start sparking a bunch of dry twigs. One hour later. How dry is the vegetation in the... It's got sap everywhere. It's got sap everywhere. Are there any eucalypts? No, is the mouth...

Can I jam a sword in and try to pry it open? Yeah, just make a strength check for me. Alright, that's a natural 20. Bobby reaches in. Two hands pour deep into the sappy maw of this creature and pulls Filge out with strength that we did not know Bobby Pancakes has. Bobby reaches in. It's like when a mum can lift a car off a toddler.

And pulls the half-orc barbarian Filge out of the plant, which also takes some damage, and Friso is behind them ready to act. I will now. Wait, Dave, who's in my cone of burning hands? Well, now everyone is, because Byron's there... Interesting. Everyone, you say? No.

Dave, can't do that. What about if I fireball? That'd probably kill some people as well, wouldn't it? Here's the thing with fire, though. You can't... It's not a precision weapon, is it? No, it's really not. I guess i will

what if i just cast polymorph on it oh you haven't done that before no i've got a new spell it's called polymorph transforms a creature is it a creature just count as a creature oh it's a plant yeah it's creature sure all right uh with at least one hit point you can see within range it has one hit point into a new form okay well uh an has one hit point. Into a new form. Okay, well... An unwilling creature must make a wisdom saving throw. Is it willing or unwilling, Dave? It doesn't need us. Very bad wisdom.

And it rolls an eight. So I guess it works, which I guess means that you can choose a new form for the plant. Pick aloe vera here. Or an iPad. A free iPad. Ooh, another hand. What was your question? Another hand. No, no. I'll go with iPad. A free iPad. Ooh, another hand. What was your suggestion? Another hand.

No, no. I'll go with iPad. What about a bigger version of the plan? Can I go with iPad? Like from, I would say one of the new ones though. Like a pro? Yeah, iPad pro. I can't abide this because I understand that you did travel to the future to Tokyo once in season three.

But you traveled there in the year, I think, 2017. So it'd be an even better iPad. No, hing. Don't fall for it. There's no Wi-Fi. You won't even be able to download apps. Okay. I'll go with...

I also did say a creature. It shape changes to a creature. Creature. What about a to a creature. Creature. What about a capybara? Ooh, I don't know what that is. It's a giant rat that likes lemons and baths. What kind of creature are you, Dave? I'll make it into Dave.

Yeah, make it into Dave. Make a Dave. Make a Dave. Make a Dave. Make a Dave. Make a Dave. No, no, that's fine. Have they met Dave? No, but I'm just guessing. You can turn it into the high class of creature I am.

So you transform the body taker into a terrified dungeon master who blinks into existence in front of me. What's funny though is but if a dungeon master in this world

is somebody who like manages a dungeon it's kind of a clerical position. Yeah, it's a junior administrator. Now, obviously I just want to work out what this mechanically means for our D&D group though

because obviously Dave you're actually being the real D&D dungeon master for our show. I you're actually being the real D&D Dungeon Master for our show. So this is technically an NPC, so Ben should do the voice of this character, I think. Does that make sense? That makes sense. So Ben, you're still the plant, but

now you're playing a type of plant called the Dave, if that makes sense. A type, not me. Something representative of the kind of dignity that I bring to this show. And the plant says something like, And so as we see a plant, once a mere plant, once an accoutrement to a jungle that once was in the world that we live in, now made horrible flesh into a narrating being who will keep saying what he sees as he walks through life.

Can it be that we are blessed to see such a transformation? I lay off him. Come on. You once described Dave's narration style as a toilet rolling down a hill, which I've never forgotten. But it's beautiful. Scholars are going to look at this episode and wonder why that is their job. But they will, I think, identify this as the moment the dragon friends...

No, they're going to be like, I did my PhD on you in the episode where Dave slapped and killed all of them. Dave? Yeah? I throw my javelin at the Dave. As it walks away. Okay, well you... I put the Dave out of its misery.

Well, you don't want to do that, of course, because as you would know, the polymorph spell, if they reduce to zero points, they will go back to their normal form. Oh. But you can pin the Dave against a tree and he has allergies. So it's very likely that you could just leave him to his own devices at this point. Again, there's pollen everywhere.

Now, what happened to that little staff that I spied? Is it in Dave's throat? Do I reach my arm into the Dave's throat and pull out a staff? Yeah, there's a magic staff in his throat. It's a big staff. I don't do that. I just grab the Dave and I go, on its tummy and back.

So you squeeze the Dave hoping to pop the staff out of the mouth. Like a cherry pip. Or like you're emptying some toothpaste. Or killing a man. Oh, like you're killing a man. Very similar to killing a man.

A staff of dark gulthian wood spat Oh, like you're killing a man Yeah Very, very similar to killing a man Like you're killing a man A staff of dark gulthian wood is spat out It is intricately both carved and grown, obviously By an expert biomancer And it seems, dare I say, to thrum with a potent magical energy And the Dave is saying all of this Yeah Thank you, the Dave

And coughing, and coughing a lot. This is a very nice stuff. Can I do a little investigation of it? You're a wizard. I'm a wizard, yeah. I forget that you're a fucking wizard. We all forget I'm a wizard. Level 8 barbarian, level 1 wizard.

Alright, so what kind of, perception? No, perception or arc. Yeah, perception. Make a little perception check. Alright, I got an 11. No, a perception or a, yeah, perception. Make a little perception check. All right, I got an 11. No, you didn't. That's a 19. You're doing great.

So you, this is a gulthius staff, which is a very powerful magic user's staff. It amplifies magical ability and aptitude. It allows creatures of the jungle and plant waste forms particularly will bow and bend themselves to your will. It can bring the very life of those that you kill. It will rejuvenate you and as a powerful wizard, it seems

to call to you as if it's your birthright. So congratulations. Thank you very much. If you bonk someone on the head with that, do you get better? You get the health points that you take from them come to you. Oh, I'm so glad you got that and not him. Hey, Filch. Most of the weapons that I get are just like in a caretaker sort of situation.

I'll swap you the stuff for the ham. You can do whatever you want to the ham. You mean I can kiss that ham whenever I want? You get full privileges. Ah, shit. This is going to happen, isn't it? You can go to town on the ham. I got it. Ah, you know, I just don't trust myself to

eat, not eat the ham. You can eat the ham as much as you want. I know I couldn't eat the ham. That's our friend. Oh, no, it was our friend. Now it's a ham. I simply, I appreciate it, but I simply must decline because like the staff, you also hum

with an evil energy. And I just feel, after knowing you for so long, that I simply could not give that to you. Nope, I will be keeping this. Thank you very much. Okay, so you have the gulthiest staff.

Congratulations. And you make your way quickly through the jungle, it growing ever more wet and wretched all the time until eventually you burst through the foliage. Sorry, just in the meantime, Byron's like, gosh, we really bloody did it, guys, didn't we? You know, all of us together and, you know. What were you doing?

Actually, yeah. What were you? I mean, I saw, I mean, I was obviously having a great time, but, you know, Bobby, you came and you said to me. With the strength of a mother. There was the burning hands. Yeah, I saw that, Bobby boy. Yeah, that was pretty wild.

We effed that guy up, didn't we? A lot of pollen in the air. What were you doing? What were you bringing to the table, Byron? I was on support there, you know, just there watching for the... You know when somebody's skipping and you're sort of waiting to go on and there wasn't an opening.

That's real scientist talk. What? Yeah, sounds like you're a fucking scientist. Look, I just didn't... Just watching, observing, taking notes? I didn't want to get under your feet. Guys, guys, guys. Baston pulls the dragon friends aside and be like, look, he wants to be an adventurer.

I know, don't lie. I know. It's not going to happen. All right? But just... Let's humor him. Let's make him feel part of the gang.

You know? All right. You know, let's... Let him... Let him push something over or... Yeah, like stab him at the plant... Hey, Byron. Yeah, guys.

You want to punch me in the face? No. You sure? Yeah. You don't want to hit me? No. Okay. You don't want to be an adventurer?

Oh, hang on. Is that what... Oh, sure. We punch each other in the face all the time. And he just punches Friso as hard as each other in the face all the time. And he just punches Friso as hard as he can. I guess you make an unarmed strike. That's a ten.

Okay, you miss and you miss Friso. Friso is standing still and not armoured, I have to say, wearing basically, I think, Elton John's outfit from a... Oh, yeah. Still? I think you're wearing the rhinestone baseball outfit. Yeah, yeah. So he swings, he misses, and he goes, that one was a freebie, mate.

And he goes again? No, he just goes... So you want me to hit you now? Well, I think, yeah, he looks to his dad. This is bullying. I don't like this. Look, we don't know. No, look, it's not. dad. This is bullying. I don't like this. Look, we don't know. Look, it's not.

This was a test and you fucked it, man. You failed. You don't punch each other. You punch the bad guys. You just talk. To be fair, he's a little bit of a bad guy. Yeah, that is true. That was the vibe I was getting.

Yeah, good instincts. I can see how that would have been confusing. All right, guys, let's go. Okay. One thing I can do Is track this dragon And it's gone that way So let's just go And that

Oh and how helpful Has that been Look at that Oh my goodness Where would we be Without your Thanks little buddy Yes that's that way

Oh but which way now I'm lost Oh well you know You gotta look at the sun It's like It's like It's like It's like

It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It's like It know, you've got to look at the sun. It's like singeing through the jungle.

Almost like a kind of Wile E. Coyote outline in the foliage of a dragon. An incredibly depressing interlude later. And you find yourselves breaking your way through the foliage to a ruined tower. breaking your way through the foliage to a ruined tower that until you stumble upon it, you would not notice. It's so dense is the vine and leaf work around you. And you can see that this tower at the third story has broken apart. The top of it has fallen off as the canopy has risen up to meet it. This is clearly a Netherese Magi Tower, Tower of the Magi,

a center of control through which the Nethereese Empire wrought its will upon the freeborn who live in this land. Gosh, we made it to the tower. Good job, Byron. Couldn't have done it without Byron. Well, guys, it's a team effort, obviously. Some did more than others. Like lazy bones over there

well the thing is what'd you call me oh no what'd you fucking call me it's not I said oh lazy bones over there because I was doing

all the navigating how many spell slots do I have Dave well I think you've had a short rest. You've got all of them. No, no, no, no, no, no. Myron's a creature, right?

In many ways, Hing, we are all creatures, so... No, no, guys, I'm sorry. I was trying to do some adventuring banter. Oh, yeah, you have to earn that. Sure, sure. Your mum's dead! No, that's fair. I'll cop that.

That's official. We actually died two days ago. No, no, it's all fun. It's the lads. We're not very good at banter. Sorry. Generally speaking, the dragon friends. We don't really spend a lot of time having conversations with each other

To be honest Let me tell you But Byron, you're actually quite surprised Because this tower shouldn't be here Years ago, your godfather, Strahd Had cleared this land of all of the towers of the Magi They had burnt the Netherese footprint on this land and reclaimed it for themselves ever since the fall.

Must have missed this one. Got to tell him. But yeah, this will be good. This will be a good little fact-finding mission also. But also, even though you didn't find it, this one seems to be deserted. As I said, the top of it has been knocked off. It's being already reclaimed by the jungle

and there is none of the traditional guards that you would expect. No, it's completely, you know, maybe this is something that we can name after... Does the charring of the bush and the forest and the jungle go all the way to the tower? Yeah. You can see tracks leading right inside. Gosh, it looks like there's a dragon in there. Hey,

Byron. Yeah, no, this is good. Maybe we can... Byron, you know, there's always something I've never got to do with my father that I'd just love to do with you. I think, you know, we could just climb some stairs together. You know, I never got to do that with my dad. Well, we did, but it was... You never climbed...

Not that I remember, no. Not that I remember. But look, there's stairs for you and me. It could be different for us. Yeah, Dad, that sounds really... This is going well, don't you think? I think it's... You see, you're feeling supported.

Yeah, I think it's a process. Your mother totally replaced now. What? The void filled. Absolutely and completely. Can we go into the tower now? All right, let's do that. Byron looks at you oddly and walks up into the tower.

The first to climb the stair is anybody else going in who's... Oh, right here with you, son. I feel like we should let them have their moment. Yeah, we'll wait outside. We can give them some space. You go on ahead. Me remember the first stairs I climbed. Alright, so Baston and Byron are exploring the tower.

Do you think we can count as we go? The stairs? Yeah. I mean, I can't think of a good reason why not to do that. Okay. Sorry, is this something that people do with their parents where you're from? Yeah, you teach your children to count. I'm 25.

You keep saying that. I don't know what it means. I think I'm like five years younger than you. Is it because Baston never climbed stairs with his dad, so he never learned to count? Also, how old is Baston? It's possible. How old is Bastogne?

How old is everyone? He's probably older than... I think Bastogne is like 36, 37. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Makes sense. He's been doing this for a while now. Yeah, yeah, he wasn't when he started. Yeah, that's true.

He's old now. But I will... He was a promising 29-year-old actor when he started. Now he's washed up. He was just starting a theatre school, I think. He's lost an eye. He's got an irreparable wound in his gooch. He's gone through changes.

Now, Dad, these towers used to be run by the Magi. I don't know how much you knew about them. They were painted gold. They had a lot of faces. They had, like, nice... No, you've done this podcast. You know who the Magi are. They were the Magian

but yeah oh yes yes yes no but yeah big big big deal for the free folk you know these magic users getting rid of them

so I don't know what this tower was up to dad but obviously like staffed by maybe a dozen or so of those those guys but they're all gone now

well yeah yeah make an investigation check to see. Who's here? Because you're already up. 18. Okay.

You notice a couple of things. First of all, you investigate the walls, and you can see that there is a beautiful mural, which is now already being destroyed by vines creeping up it. You push some of them aside, and you can see that underneath, in an epigraph, it says, Dedicated to the Raising of the Tower of the Dean, which is written underneath the mural.

The mural is of Ilanar shining high in the sky. But the other thing that you notice as you indicate for Byron to come and see is that what you thought was a pile of rags underneath that mural is in fact the dead and twisted body of a dead mage. A Nethereus mage. How dead? Quite, quite dead. Like desiccated dead? Bones dead? Bones.

Mostly bones. Reclaimed by the jungle. It's all very unpleasant. And Byron has like never seen a corpse before. Except for his mum. Yeah, okay! Fuck! before. Except for his mum.

Yeah, okay! Fuck! And so he like, he's like, he tries to do like a they didn't, they didn't, dad, they didn't die well, but he just says, dad, dad. Alright, hey, son, son, I want to show you something fun. And while he's spewing, he turned away.

Basta goes and gets the skull and is like, hey, what's wrong, little fella? Feeling a little sick? And Barrington goes, Okay, while that's happening, the rest of the dragon friends, Bobby, Friso and Filge, you're all standing outside. I'm going to do an investigation check

to see if I can sense any dragons in the area, Dave. Yeah, make a survival check for me. Survival check? That was a 14. Okay. You're looking and you notice that beyond the tracks that Byron has led to you, you can see scratch marks that lead all the way up the side of the tower, which is ruined, jagged, and broken down, going up to the third floor along the outside of the tower, which as I said is already exposed to the elements. It looks like

lots of small possibly draconic creatures. There's singed wood along beams that are exposed on the side of the tower as if lots of things have made this space their home. Oh so it's a little nest of many dragons. Yeah and it looks like it culminates on the third floor where the tower ends. And we need to

get up there and get an egg. Have we ever made a plan? Sometimes we talk about it too much and then we don't actually. But the thing is between deciding on a plan, executing on a plan, often some of us forget who to... Yeah. I cast flight, go get egg? I mean, are we thinking this dragon can be sitting on egg? I cast flight, go get egg? I mean, are we thinking this dragon can be sitting on egg?

I cast flight, go get egg. So while you're having this existential problem, Bilge, Friso very efficiently casts flight on himself. Go get egg. And floats up onto the third floor and makes an investigation check for me. Ooh, that's a nat 20. It was.

We're just full of nat 20s tonight, guys. And it must be those new fake dice I bought you. And a perception check as well. Oh, God. So I succeed at one thing and I've got to do another one.

Fine. Not as good. When you succeed at one thing, you should never have to do any other thing after that. That's how capitalism works. Ten in total. Ten in total, yep. Bobby, what are you doing at this moment? Let's just me works. Ten in total. Ten in total, yeah.

Bobby, what are you doing at this moment? Let's just me and Phil hanging down there. Alright, cool. He go get egg. Yeah. I cast flat, go get egg.

Yeah, yeah. Shouting down. It's crazy how like 24 hours ago we were at a party. Oh. Yeah, that feels like longer time ago

in time stuff. Yeah, that feels like and then just in time stuff. Yeah, but it feels like... And then just waking up in your arms. Well, I mean... Are we going to talk about that? Why? Look, I'm not... I just don't want to be the guy who's like,

oh, well, we have to talk about this. We have to unpack this. It's really important that it doesn't fester and... I don't know what happened. I just want to make sure nothing happened. Well, I mean I don't know if anything happened. Look, all I'm saying is I shouldn't be able to summon the strength of a mother lifting a car above her... Toddler...

To save you. Maybe you just really hate horny plants. That must be it. Don't overthink it. Okay. I mean, you feel different hate horny plants. That must be it. Don't overthink it. Okay. You feel different? No. Same.

Great. Can we go back to the tower, Dave? Yeah, let's get there real quick. Hey, look, son, son. Look, I'm eating my own ass. Dad, dad. I'm a stupid mage and I love to eat my own ass. Dad, listen to me. Stop it.

I need you to stop doing that right now. Yes, we don't like that. This is a voice down the corridor and passed on. Thank you. Do you think the phrase, son, look, I'm eating my own ass, has ever been uttered before by a real father to a son? You look down the corridor and so entranced you were in your little performance that you haven't spotted what looks like a figure wrapped in mouldy, rotten bedsheets

who is walking towards you, emaciated, wispish and grey, but their eyes burning as they stare at you, a wizened, horrible little old man. Yuck! Don't point those wizened little things at me. Yuck. All right, where are the eggs? Don't point those wizened little things at me.

All right, where are the eggs? I'm afraid that I can't tell you any of this. Did you... Were you just... Were you just... I wasn't doing anything. What he was doing, I was shameful. And he turns to Byron and he says... No, not Byron, him.

I mean, well... The fallen brother? Is that what you're saying? The fallen brother was doing... I saw him eat his own ass. Why? Why would he? Exactly.

We are not happy with this. Why would you... Is this a real deception? Do I need to make you roll for this? Look, I'll fucking roll it. Here we go. Yeah, DC fucking 700. Yeah.

Well, luckily, I got a seven. So, no problemo. I throw the skull at him. Really? Yeah, why not? Yeah, all right. No, go for it. Skull attack.

You throw the skull at him. You have a chance to yell something to Byron if you want as well. Three? Look, I don't like... I miss. I miss, okay? I got like 14. Yeah?

And I say, This is adventuring, son! So, yeah, Byron will step up and put his sword up to the weirdo. Okay, so this means that a fight automatically breaks out because you've thrown a skull at him. Why in the shit? Only if he retaliates. No.

It takes two to tango. It's a stabbing if he doesn't retaliate. No, but he does retaliate, so... Well, why? Why would you do that? Because you attacked him with the skull of presumably his friend. Well, if he's upset about that, then that's fine. But I just threw a skull and I didn't even hit him.

This is a weird type of gaslighting and I'm not into it. I'm just asking, Dave, have you thought about this character's motivation? Yeah. Yeah. You threw a skull at him and you said this. I feel like things are getting quite heated here. Eden, do you want to just do a deception check

to see if you deceive Dave? Okay, yeah. First of all, Dave, do you believe what Eden's saying? I would love to say that, but unfortunately Dave is tied up 400 feet down the path. Dave is not involved in this say. I would love to say that, but unfortunately, Dave is tied up 400 feet down the path. Dave is not involved in this conversation. I am.

Wait, which Dave is here, Dave? You throw a skull at him. It misses because you rolled a seven and he spins around and tries to attack you. But Byron, you get a chance to go first

if you want. Byron's going to just run at him. Real, like, fucking berserker stuff. He's full of wanting to impress his father, and I think wanting to impress your father gets you advantage. I haven't read the player's handbook in a while, but I think that is one of the things that they say gets you advantage

if you want to impress your dad. Yes, it's called risk of disapproval. So I'm going to roll two dice. I'm going to go ahead and do that, Dave. I'm going to pay attention to the first one, but you go for it. Well, if I roll them at the exact same time, you'll be forced... It's two and a two.

That has never been a better metaphor than a comedian's relationship with his son. All right, Byron rushes forward, and he seems to almost effortlessly, for the age of the man, he grabs a hand, he rips him into a bear hug, and soon he has his claws at Byron's neck as he pulls... You can't try and stab us. ...a knattered old wand out of his hand, and he casts a spell at you, Baston. I refuse.

I don't get zapped. He casts Cone of Cold. Make a constitution save you, Baston. I refuse. I don't get zapped. He casts Cone of Cold. Make a constitution save for me, quickly. Oh, no. Seven. All right. No, it's... Did you really roll seven?

Eleven. Eleven. No, forget that. All right, you take six plus three is nine. Sixteen, nineteen, twenty-one points of damage. Oh, now my 21 points of damage. Oh, now my nipples are hard. Now, while you hear a bastonic scream from outside,

the two of you, Bobby and Phil, you can raise up the stairs. If you want, Phil, you get a chance to act first. Can I use my agothiest staff? You can, but the moment you climb up the stairs, you see him holding by the neck the figure of Byron. You can hurt us. You can't do it.

You're not allowed. Why not? You're not allowed to hurt us. Who are you? We are everywhere. We all hurt. All who hurt. You can't hurt all who hurt.

Oh, a bonkey. All right, you hit him with a stick. A bonkey with a stick. All right, great. Make an attack. I hate it when someone tells me that I can't hurt them. Historically, it hasn't been the case. All right, congratulations.

You hit them, which means that you do nine points of damage and regain nine hit points if you've lost any hit points from the pollen. Yummy, yummy. As your blood is infused with the power of the gulfiest staff. And the next one up is you, Bobby. So this is the one old man? Yeah, one old man, but he's clearly a magic user. He's got a wand in his hand. I'm going to cast Mind Spike.

Okay, go for it. Yeah, right in the mind. Yeah, right in the mind. That's 11 points of damage. He has to make a save. Wisdom save. Wisdom 11. All right, he rolled a 10.

Okay, so 11 points of damage. Is that it? Yep, and then... He's got a headache now? He gets that damage. Nieriffin! I know where he is for the next hour. Which is one of those sweet bonuses. Great, you know where he is for the next hour. Which is one of those sweet bonuses.

Great. You know where he is for the next hour. And, Baston, you get one more action. I'm going to charge in and do a flurry of blows because I want to get my son free. All right. As you do, you race forward towards him and you start attacking him. Yes. Yes.

Obviously with his armor class. Twelve? Yeah. I got three hits, which is nine points of damage. Really? Twelve. Twelve points of damage. Yeah.

Okay. Twelve points of damage. He's still alive in that case. So despite the pummeling on all of you, he has his, as I said, he has his claws at Byron's neck and he, now it's his turn. He says, hey dad, I'm pretty scared. Just FYI. I know I'm not meant to be, but I'm pretty freaked out right now.

Is this still adventuring? Yeah. Well, try and get free. You're just letting him hold you. I'm trying, Dad. I'm not strong. You didn't consent to this. This is wrong.

And he rips and his claws go through Byron's neck and as a non-lethal slash at his neck, he takes... You're bleeding. Don't let him make you bleed. 19 points of damage. You are now bloodied, Byron. You have lost half your hit points. No.

But it is now your chance. So quickly make for me a strength... Athletics check. That is a hot one. Okay, you drop your short sword. Your short sword clatters to the ground in front of you, your very short sword. And the next one up is Filch.

Okay, so I want to try and distract this mage. Just kill him, kill him. Kill him. With death. Yeah, I want to try and distract this mage with death. All right. The ultimate distraction. How are you feeling?

In many ways. He's attacking your friend? He's, I'm feeling really quite put out. As a barbarian, you're feeling? Yeah, I'm feeling, I. Just so your friend's son would be gouged in the neck. And you know what? That really, that, that, I was so relieved that it was non-lethal,

but at the sight of my friend's son's blood, that turns me into a red-hot ray. Every time you use this thing that you are absolutely allowed to use, you do it like it's a con. Like you're tricking me. All right, extra attack. Congratulations, because you're friends, you make two attacks. All right, and should I...

What has more power, my new staff or... Definitely your huge giant warhammer, but I love that you're using the staff. I know we like new things. All right. And does my staff cut spells? The Thunder's Wake uses 2d8 plus 6 bludgeoning damage. This does d6 plus 4. Okay, well, if you'll do the math, I'll use Thunder's Wake.

All right, natural 20. Holy shit. Holy shit, that's two Thunder's Wake. All right, natural 20. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Holy shit, that's two natural 20s. What happened? Oh, fuck. I am, oh my. That has never happened.

That is a one in 400 chance. Look at this little, look at this, look at this. Come for the D&D, stay for the mathematics. Holy moly. Is that a 100? If anyone's going to know, it's this 1 in 400. Who's got a horrid little plant stiffy now? Oh, but wouldn't also two twos be a 1 in 400?

And you cunts didn't clap like that. But how come we get two twos all the time and we never get two twenties? We don't get two twos all the time. Confirmation bias, baby. That's not real. All right. Yeah, think of all the times you've seen it not be real. That was a good joke.

Filge. Filge. I'm just trying to think of what a double critical does. Filge, you... Rips his dick clean off. Filge, you race forward quicker than anyone can see. You snarl, your eyes go red as he scratches at Byron's neck and suddenly the air shimmers and then he explodes in blood until you are standing in his place with your hand on Byron's shoulder and you very gently put Byron down, push, push down until he's sitting on the ground.

And then you look down at the gore and mess that is on the floor underneath you and you spot a spell book. that is on the floor underneath you and you spot a spell book. Oh! That is weirdly... Yes! ..written in a language that you've understood, the language that you got taught.

Goblin? Yeah. Yeah, this was a... Didn't I say it? This was a goblin mage. Oh, it was a goblin? A wizened goblin mage. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Congratulations. You're doing really... See these spells? These bullshit little baby spells? Shove them up your arse, Dave, and give me some new good spells. Well, I guess technically... And thank you for the spell book. Bastogne's going to go and he's going to put

his arm around Byron in the little pool of guts and be like, good job, boy. And Byron, to be honest, kind of shrugs him off a little bit. Fair enough. Thanks, Dad.

Good job. And in a silence, properly commiserating the death of what is possibly the last living age Nethere's mage, there is a groan and a gasp. And you see something horrific because the body of the mage, thrown in a wet, pulverising like cloud

has groaned and shifted broken but barely alive as it tries to wheeze in the corner of the room The chorus we all heard it, you know we all heard the blank note What are you talking about?

You can lean forward to here if you want. Wait, I'm just talking to his atoms right now? No, so it looks like a cloud of blood, but the body was actually thrown to the side of the room and is completely broken and pulverised and dying. What is the blank note? The roar. Phil takes out a little notebook.

Licks her finger. Gets a new page. The roar that sounded through time. Yep. One sec. Sounded through time. The roar. Now is that going to be spelled R-A-W or R-O-A-R?

R-O-A-R. Okay. I didn't think that. The roar. The roar that sounded through time. Yeah. You've got all that? Yeah. Okay. And you said something else about...

Visibly fading. A brown note? No, the blank note. The blank note. This is like playing Elden Ring. It showed us the truth. It showed us the way It showed us the way They couldn't hear

And he's gesturing to the corpse of the guy This is a cloud of blood gesturing No, he's sick No, no, the cloud of blood was what was replaced in the space with him When he was thrown against the wall You know when Wile E. Coyote Yes, it's a Wile E. Coyote thing Gets biffed across the room and there's like a dust cloud of Wile E. Coyote gets biffed across the room and there's a dust cloud of Wile E. Coyote?

It's that and blood. But Wile E. Coyote is over there and he's broadly fine? Yeah, blood coyote. Oh, so the blood coyote's still there but the cat coyote... No, it's not there anymore. Alright, okay. And when does it turn into a ham? He's gesturing to the corpse that Bastogne was defiling.

They couldn't hear. They couldn't hear the note. He was eating his own ass. That's probably why. So busy riffing, she misses the only clue you're trying to give her. Couldn't hear the note. Couldn't hear the note. Yeah, couldn't hear the note.

Anything else there, buddy? Do you know, I really thought that... And he dies. He's pissed off and he dies and you don't get the clue. I got the gist. But at the same time, something worse happens because the silence is broken a second time. As thundering down the stairs above you,

you suddenly see the figure of a young, dishevelled human warlock who is racing down the stairs, clutching in his hands a giant red egg. Cast flight, got egg, we go! And behind him, snapping and clicking in the air, racing behind him are three red dragons, young, proud ready to defend their home

as you race out of the Tower of Udine. Can I say just a little detail that Byron like kind of staggers up next to Friso as they're running down the stairs and he's looking up at Friso and he's going like, 21, 22 23, 24 And picture, if you will, in the Tower

of Udine, last known bastion of the strength of an empire that once toppled giants, an empire now fallen, decayed, the end of the first age and the beginning of the second, something new, something broken, inside the steaming jungles of the Vallaki Gorge, five adventurers, well, four adventurers, and a junior adventurer, possibly a ranger, possibly someone whose learnings account stares,

already racing into the undergrowth, some kind of dragon egg in their hands, with squeaking, squawking baby dragons chasing them through, back towards civilization, back towards Laroon's Landing, back towards the cold cell engines that brought them here, and back towards what hope there may still be to bring them back to the Third Age, where they belong. Time is a circle.

Time is confusing. And time may yet run out for those adventurers we call the Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hinn. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins Thank you. and Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This show is made possible by the members of the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to all episodes, as well as exclusive content every other week.

Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry, cause that's what time travels for. You can always go back and try again and if you go back and kill your friends you can always go back an extra few

seconds you can always go back okay this is obviously on me but there is a lot of drawings of very horny plants in these books thank you so much for everybody who drew us art, be it the Comedy Store completely

covered in sombreros, many horny plants, so many big titty plants, plants sucking themselves off, the Stussy S for some reason, the amazing stuff, this is awful. This is obscene. I hate

it. Yep, just a flower. It really, it was at this point, and so many of these are obscene. And I can't show them to you. But somebody has got a real sort of Genesee pipe sort of distillation. It's just a daisy that says, I am horny. So well done to that.