Dragon Friends - #8.04. It Claps for Thee with Scott Edgar

Episode Date: April 24, 2022

Having completed their quest with frankly unusual efficiency, the Dragon Friends find themselves with loose ends to tie and goodbyes to make. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm going to say, if you can see what I'm doing here, which you've probably never seen me do before, which is madly taking notes for part two, it's because it's the first time in the entire history of Dragon Friends that we are running ahead of schedule. I am genuinely not ready to play some motherfucking Dungeons & Dragons, but let's... But don't worry Don't worry Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back

And kill your friends You can always go back And let your few seconds You can always go back La Rune's Landing, city that never was, city that should not be City that was created in the name of two twins Who sacrificed their lives to land a floating city when Nort said it could be done into the dense foliage of the Velaki Gorge.

Laroon's Landing is the space we find ourselves in now, and the dragon friends beside with their new friend, Byron, child of your loins, Baston. Gross. And Byron, child of your loins, Baston, having raced through the jungle perilous to return to that fair outpost, clutching in your hands a red dragon egg, the source of your quest that is supposed to power the cold cell engine you need to bring you back to the future that never was,

escaping the past that cannot be. Strahd, leader of this community, is there to greet you at the already decomposing reclaimed gates. I knew you guys could do it. I said that to myself. I said, these guys, they know how to get a job done. And I was right. That's why I'm a good leader, because I delegate.

You run into any trouble there, guys? Well, I flew up, cast flight, got egg. Yeah. That's what I did. Yeah. I had to kill,

I mean, I guess we didn't do my bit, but let's say I killed a thousand dragons. Wow, you killed a thousand dragons. Many of them were old and sick. Plugged into a single life support system.

I mean, they can't be too old. They literally just came back like 25 years ago. Oh, okay. I guess I killed a bunch of baby dragons then. Yeah, yeah. I went into like a hatchery. Yeah, still counts, but... What are we talking XP-wise?

Very little, because they're babies. Oh. That's on your conscience. Yeah. Do you still get points for that? I think so. I mean, you would get some temporary hit points, because they are technically monstrous. Punch me in the face strut.

Excuse me? Punch me in the face. Oh no That's an 18 18 That hits But it doesn't matter Because I've got temporary hit points

Sorry for the podcast Alex Lee Has taken out of a packet Something called a Super gummy pizza Which is about I don't know Six inches

Tall And you guys You guys know that I I love a snack. If you've ever had one of those lolly pizzas that's like the size of a 50 cent coin. Yeah, this is the size of a single pan pizza. This is the size of a piece of pizza from a single pan pizza.

It smells like if paint was made of sugar. Take a big bite. Take a big bite. Those Oopaloovers at the Wonka factory have been working overtime. Feels like a Ben thing. You bought this on yourself. No, honestly, I was going to say, my snack threshold is very low and I'm not touching it. No, bigger bite, bigger bite.

Bigger bite, bigger bite. Bigger bite. Now you've got to... Take a touch. Chew toy. Oh. Wow, that is super gummy. No.

All right, so while Friso is telling you about his many conquests, Strahd turns to Filch and immediately interrogates her. Filch, Filch, I want to hear it from you. You're a straight shooter. I want to hear it clear. I want to hear it clean. I want to hear it out of your mouth. What went down?

Filch is eating a leaf. It's very good. I got 220. A while when I got 220. Everyone do big cheer. You got a magic book there. I got big stick. You take care of my godson?

Oh, yeah. Who's that? It's Freezo. No, it's Byron. I can see through time. Excuse me? Do you want another bite? Wait, you didn't eat one of those gummy leaves did you?

Yeah. You didn't eat a gummy leaf from the horny forest. No, I don't put gum on my lips. Fucking hell Byron, did you let her eat a gummy leaf from the horny forest Fucking hell Byron Did you let her eat a gummy leaf from the horny forest She really wanted to eat it She's going to be out for minutes I've never seen anyone crashing that quickly After eating confectionary

That was high You can't eat Do you know what that is? Do you know what that is? That's just concentrated, dense, as dense as a fucking black hole, tree cum. That's all that is. That's all that is.

Yeah. Maybe that's why I can see through time. Why? Because all the cum is like all the generations of trees. No, man, it's just making you real sick. Hey, Al, that's not how cum works. I don't know what you think cum is, but it's not like... It's not made of ancestors.

No, that's how I theory a world seer did it, to be fair. It actually works the other way around. That's the opposite of how cum works. No, but like, what about with eggs? Because, like, okay, a woman... Uh-huh. Yeah.

You know how you like... I've somehow managed to like break a tooth on gummy. It feels displaced. I think I've moved a tooth.

Oh yeah, she's useless. Bobby! Yeah. Can you tell me, did you get the egg? We got the egg. Here's the egg. Well, where was the dragon hiding at?

It was in A Tower? Tower Not possible We got rid of all the towers Unfortunately Next line

No Unfortunately There was an old dude there What? A goblin wizard He was the last of his kind He heard a He heard the roar

That sounded through time He knew it was all going to happen Some of them couldn't hear it There was a blank note Jesus Christ He heard the roar that sounded through time. He knew it was all going to happen. Some of them couldn't hear it. There was a blank note. Oh, Jesus Christ. Does any of that mean anything to you? No, it's fine.

I'm sorry, you drew a freak. You know, you've got a deck of cards in life and sometimes you draw a freak. You know what I'm saying? I have no idea what you're talking about. All right, well, let me put it this way. You go to the casino of life and you throw the bloody ball. What game are we playing at the casino? Oh, you're playing roulette. And sometimes it goes on a...

I've got a system. Okay, what is it? See, because there's equal amounts of red and blacks, obviously. Yep. But I think the black paint they use is slightly thicker in pigment so I think actually the red

it would be more like the He was giving you the clue again! He was trying to bring back the clue that you needed

because you fucked around during the last episode. Alright, Friso, let's try it. Continue. Now I want to hear

more about the system. Here's my it. Continue. No, I want to hear more about the system. Here's my thing. Now look guys, just ignore what you saw in the tower, alright? Just ignore it. Can you do that for me? Absolutely not. You know what I think? I'll forget about it for some money.

I'm not going to pay you to forget. No. You know how you're my son's godfather? Yeah. Does that mean you're my uncle? Husband? Godbrother, I think. Godhusband.

Cousins? Is something wrong with you? Byron, by the way, is standing off to the side with his arms crossed, looking, I have to say, a little bit put out. Blood, I've got to say, the blood around his neck is now wrapped in a white scarf that he had, which is already starting to sort of seep and scab through. Hey, Byron, buddy. It's Freezo here.

Yeah? I heard some of the things your dad was saying about you before. What? Wait, wasn't that why you were upset? I was upset because I was really scared and Dad didn't help me. What did Dad say? What?

No, he didn't... What did Dad say? Did he say something about me being an adventurer? He said it probably wasn't going to happen for you. But... Here's the thing, though. Here's the thing. I'm an orphan. What?

I grew up without parents. And your parents... He had a mum. I had a mum for like 25 years of my life. But now, she's abandoned you. She hasn't abandoned me. She died. And now your dad, he can be dead to you.

If you want. That's up to you. What are you boys talking about? Shut up, dad! Shut up, dad! Whoa. I'm just... You know, we've got to stick together.

I'm going to be honest. I'm really angry about how things went in that tower with dad. But I'm not angry enough to not get real crook vibes off you. You know what I mean? Are we starting an orphans club over here? What's happening? I'm an orphan. You want to kiss a ham? I don't want to kiss the ham!

I don't want to kiss a ham! I don't want to punch you in the face! I don't even want to be an adventurer anymore! Whoa! I want to be a scientist strad looks at you all and there's a click as you turn to see him and he has fastened around the dragon's egg a kind of filibigree carapace wait what's the clue all right back to bed my sweets and he throws no no no no, no, no, wait.

He throws the egg to you, Bobby. Guys, whatever it is we're dealing with here, you're not going to need to worry about. You're going to be, uh, go beddy-bye-bye. That's going to power it for the next 975 years and you're going to be home. Hell yeah. Alright, thank you, Strahd. Will you be reactivating the Abraham Lincoln

hatted octopus to protect us? Yep, that'll all be there. That'll all be good. That dump truck ass octopus. Yep. It was a really weird specification that Val told me about, and she told me to respect it, and I will be doing that. But I've got to tell you, it's costing us a fucking mint. Just in affectations alone, you know what I mean?

At this point, he has taken you, by the way, back into the cave where the cold cells are and he is placing the filigree encased egg into the orb and the Kahlua milkish liquid immediately becomes a translucent green again and it hums. He sees that liquid

and goes, ooh, bloody reminds me, TGIF let's get going. And it hums as all of the engines come back to life as he turns, slaps his hands, and looks at the four of you. Byron, by yourself. All right, guys, if you need to go to the loo,

I'd do it now. It doesn't really matter. You can, these things Val told me, you could have a poo almost half out and it wouldn't, you know what I mean? What? You click and it's nothing. Let's not do this again.

But look. Wait, I have a question. What are you going to do when we're gone? What are your plans? We're going to keep rebuilding with the Freeborn. I mean, don't get me wrong. You guys had a big deal and you were really important for a long time. But we're just going to keep on keeping on without you.

Is this about me being a vampire, by the way? Are you a vampire yet? You keep saying that. Nah, I'd get that thought right out of your head. Because you've said that each of you have actually said that to me a couple of times. Here's what you should do then if you don't, because you probably don't want to be a vampire, do you? I'm not a vampire. I don't want to become a vampire.

You have no intention of becoming a vampire, do you? I'm not a vampire. I don't want to become a vampire. You have no intention of becoming a vampire. Why don't you take some, just some silver rods and just put them in you now so that if you ever turned into a vampire... That's werewolves. You fucking idiot. Wait. Just put a bit of garlic in like a fake tooth and then

if you feel yourself becoming a vampire, like, crack it open. Great question. Yeah, great idea. Have a little... You know how like spies have a cyanide capsule? No, I know exactly what you're talking... Weirdly, I know exactly what you're talking... A garlic capsule. Listen, why do I become a vampire? I don't know.

Probably because you get bit or some shit. I don't know. How do you not know this? How the fuck do you not know this? Oh, wait, wait, wait. Do any of you know? Yeah, I think I know. I know.

There was a lady in Fowl. Yeah, yeah. Don't fall in love with your brother's girlfriend. My brother's wife? I've not met my brother's wife. Do you have a brother? Don't. Do you want a brother?

It's a surrogate, yeah. Oh, he's handsome, isn't he? He actually looks a bit like you. I don't remember that. Oh, you've got a tattoo of him. Do I? Wait that Oh you got a tattoo of him Do I? Wait do you have a tattoo of him? Do I? I pulled down his pants

No fuck I pulled down his pants Last season And you said there was a tattoo And I wrote it down Does this stride have the tattoo? Yeah sure He has a tattoo of what looks like

Bastogne Where? On his bum I think Renee? Yeah On his bum He doesn think. On his bum. Yeah. On his bum. He doesn't or he does?

He does. Don't look at her. Look at me. Yeah, sure. We've got to stop doing this podcast. We've got to blow it all up and start again. So it's only you and Byron here, but before you can move,

Filge walks and Dax, the great char of the Balinox. Oh, well, that's my dick. So I guess that's there. All right. And what do we see? You see a dick and some balls? Is that what you... There's no tattoo.

You guys can't go back to sleep soon enough. I've got to be honest. You know what you could do? You could hide some garlic in your foreskin. What are you talking about? Why do I become a vampo? What's this got to do with my brother? You, I'm pretty sure you get jealous of him.

Then you kill him. And then you maybe bring his back, his wife from the dead. Hang on. Am I to understand? Don't. Don't. Am I to understand? Because what you guys have been saying to me

since we've met has been in multiple universes. Yeah, right. Me, some version of me, and you have been sort of nemeses. Sort of like throughout your entire adventuring life, I've been this figure that's looming, and you don't fucking know

how I become a vampire? He points out, he has dedicated his life to you. He built La Rune's Landing to protect the cold cells in accordance with Val's wishes as your brothers-in-arms that helped you defeat Carstus.

I raised your kid, man. Thanks. Well, Val died like last week, so maybe she did some of it as well. Oh, so now she's a big deal, is she? Well, she was the love of my life. Yeah, it really seems like it. Listen.

And as he says that, he's pulling his pants up and heading towards the steps. Listen, guys, I've got a lot of work to do. I hope wherever you land in a thousand years is nice. Fuck yous all, I'm out. Oh, don't say that. He walks out the door, leaving you in the cold cells. And as you turn, ready to head towards the future, you feel one more pair of eyes staring at you

because still there is the figure of Byron. Byron. My son. Yeah. Who is now a very moody teen for a 25-year-old. Fruit of my loins. Yeah, Dad, that's fine. Why don't you just...

Son of mine. Yep. My kid. Okay. Look, is there anything you need to say before... It's been nice, huh? It's been pretty cool hanging out with old dad. I'm glad it has been nice.

Oh, me too. Anything you want to say to me while I'm here, while you're alive still? It's just, you know, I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like to meet my dad. It's pretty good. And I guess, on balance, I'm glad I met you. Hey. No, I just want to... Byron.

Yeah. Byron, you're going to be spending a lot of time with Strahd, okay? Yeah, mate. And he might turn into a vampire. Okay, I've heard all of this. So, what you need to do, get some garlic. Okay? Okay, mate. And he might turn into a vampire. Okay, I've heard all of this. So what you need to do, get some garlic. Okay? Okay, thanks.

I don't know whether you want to put it in your foreskin. Garlic in my fore... Or your mouth, like a spy. A garlic in your mouth like a spy? Do you understand? No, I don't. Okay. I don't understand.

Keep some garlic. Okay, but why would I put it in my mouth? No, I don't. I don't understand. Keeps on going. Why would I put it in my mouth? Because... What do you mean? Oh, your foreskin. Yeah. What do you mean? Because he's not a vampire.

No, but if Strahd turns, he's going to try and turn someone else. What, he's going to try and eat someone else. What, he's going to try and eat my dick? What are you talking about? No, I'm just thinking about places you can put it. It doesn't have to be in your mouth or your foreskin.

You can put it in your butthole. If you wanted to, you can put it in your ear. Why can't, why can't, why can't I just keep garlic in my pantry? Because what if you're on an adventure or you're at the office? I've already told you, I'm not going to be an adventurer! You're at the lab, you're working the lab late one night.

What if you're working the lab late one night? And what, my eyes behold an eerie sight? Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're suggesting? Is that what you're suggesting? Okay, okay, okay. Can I give him one thing while he's screaming and frees up? Yeah, you put, Baston puts his hand on as this, whatever this is, is happening. Baston, well of quiet silence,

puts his hand on Byron's shoulder and manages to break through, and there's a silence in the room again as Byron... I want to give him... I've got the Indruvich family ring. The signet ring. Okay. Like I've always had. No, I mean, you have your magic swords.

Oh, but I like those. No, you know what? Yeah, I'm going to take out the name sword. Sergei Invitrovich. And I'm going to hand it to him and be like, hand this down to your son so that when I meet your offspring, my grandchildren...

Oh, you can get it back? Yeah. In the future. It doesn't cost me anything. Basically, I'm partying with it for like a day. Yeah, yeah. But may this guide you through the darkest nights. And you know what?

Despite how much Bassada's game, he's genuinely touched. So you draw. This is the name sword of Sergei Von Zarovich, the only weapon that can signify the birthright of a Troubarovian, the only weapon that can defeat the vampire Strahd, the weapon that cost you so much to get. In season two of Dragon France, you give it to your son, Byron.

Dad, this is actually a nice thing you're doing. So if you see Strahd, you even get a little vampire-y, just whip that out with one hand and with the other hand, reach into your pants. Pull the garlic out of your foreskin. Were you cunning? And there is a click and a pneumatic hiss of steam as the cold cells close and baston as thecely as the viewport turns white

and you all fall into a deep and restless sleep that seems to go on for years until it doesn't. Stick the landing. Stick the landing. That's sleep? That's classic sleep right there. There is a rumble, a crash of distant thunder.

And Bobby, yours are the first eyes to open. You are trapped inside a stone sarcophagus. Your breath is heavy in your chest, and there is a rising panic that you are stuck, trapped, deep under the ground, buried in a tomb. You cannot tell how long it has been. It seems as if it must have been eons,

and you can hear rumbling in the distance, and you are very afraid. So I push against the top? Make a strength check for me. That's a three. Your fingernails start to break as you desperately pound against the top of the sarcophagus, and then just as you are beginning to panic,

the top of the sarcophagus is ripped from its holdings, and you can see the figure of Filge, who has emerged, and pulls you out of the sarcophagus. The rest of the dragon friends are with you. The room is covered in dust. Is it the present? Are we back? Who are you asking?

Filge, I guess. The friends? It always the present. Fuck. Fuck. And every day is a gift. You look around and you can see that the room is now covered in dust. The statuesque forms of the sarcophagus are unmolested, but the...

Hey, better than, you know. The alternative. Hey, better than, you know. The alternative. But the orb, the canopic jar at the centre of the octopus-like time machine that you are in is askew. The liquid in it sloshing to its side and you can see that the figure of the dragon's egg still glowing in the water has slipped from its perch and its little filigree carapace and is lift-filting in the side of the jar. Other furniture in the room is askew as well,

fallen to the ground, one of the sarcophagus on an angle. It seems like a mighty tremor has shook the room, presumably waking all of you. Oh, boy. Okay. Look, I guess there's two ways to deal with this. One, we can put the egg back in

And just like go back to sleep Or we can just Or we can check out Have they left like a Big clock or anything in there? No, but you can see this normal stairs Leaning up The room is the same room

Even though the machine can be travelled You are in the same room that you were When you went to sleep Are there any additions to the machine? A lot of dust No, no, the machine Hasn't, as I said, unmolested. Right.

But the whole room's kind of on it now. No, it's, you can, it has two meanings. Grow up. Grow up. Would you please? Did you hear the tone in his voice? Grow up. Did you hear the tone in his voice? Grow up But the whole room's on an angle

Like it's been a A lot of the furniture's been Knocked to the side Is the floor on an angle Or has there just been some It looks actually The floor is okay But one of the sarcophagus

And much of the machinery Has fallen to the ground Or to its side And there's no windows Nope, just the stairs Leaning out of the room Will we go the ground or to its side. And there's no windows. Nope, just the stairs leading out of the room. Will we go back upstairs and talk to mummy? Oh, the octopus, yes. You going to go first, Friso?

Well, look, seeing as we're all woken up, we may as well go and find a paper boy. Find out what year it is, all that. Yep, yep. Standard. Okay, let's do it. Yeah, we want more, as much information as possible. I bet it's only been like 15 minutes.

Yeah, probably. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of dust. There's a lot of dust. Okay, so we walk up the stairs. I think Baston's leading, Dave. All right, here we go. Baston, you see the figure of the octopus hunched down at the end of the corridor.

As you lead up, there is dust, as I said, everywhere. The air is thick of the corridor. As you lead up, there is dust, as I said, everywhere. The air is thick with the stuff. And as you get closer and closer to the figure of the bodyguard that was left to protect your tomb, you can see that it is now corroded and rusted. Whatever strength was in it is gone.

It has been years enough that Mummy has rusted to a dead Hulk. Her top hat now is like a hobo's top hat. Where it's like... Like it's been gone over with a tin can. Do not tell me there is a flower growing out of it. There is a flower growing out of it.

Oh, the indignity. Her thick ass. Will it clap? It will not. It will clap no more. Do not ask for whom the ass claps. I think we've overshot. I reckon Dave's, I mean, whoever is in charge of this crazy world we live in.

Not that weird horny plant, that's for sure. I think we're like... Maybe it's been like 10,000 years. Based on what? Just based on me metagaming what I understand Dave and Ned will want us to do. Please, I beg of you to stop doing that. We go up the stairs. Dave, what do we see? You see that at the end of the stairs somebody has placed a huge boulder against the corridor,

jamming the corridor shut, which is no doubt why the air feels so thick. Jesus vibes. Yeah, I love it when Dave does that. Puts a bit of iconography in there. All right, I'm going to push. Obsessed with that, Dave. Roll away the stone.

All right, and on the third day, Friso emerges. As all of you push the stone to its side, it sinks as it disappears into what seems like a dark and cloying mud. It is pitch black outside. And as you emerge out of the tunnel, immediately you sink into the same muddy loam, like completely coated. These were once plains, you knew them, just outside a beautiful forest.

But it is now dead, thick mud as far as you can see. And you cannot see far, for it is very dark. Looking back at the boulders, you can see, by the way, that they have been wedged against the side of a mountain. And it looks like the tunnel would have been almost impossible to see. Oh, I'm going to cast light as a little cantrip. All right. Dancing lights? Just light, I think it's called.

Okay, you cast light. No need to be fancy about it. You cast light. Efficient light, Dave. Yep. I suppose you've got your little mirror, you hold it up, your magical focus, and light blossoms forth from it and you look around and you can see that,

like standing on the surface of the moon you are on this vast, empty plane of mud that seems crisscrossed with... The moon, famously made of mud. Ravines cut into it in crisscrosses as far as you can see towards distant hills also long covered in the same muck. And as you look as the light

blossoms out, you suddenly hear a voice shouting out from the distance, no light! No light! And suddenly two figures crash into you, Friso, and tackle you down onto the muck. Gah! What are you doing? You...

I'll say it. I'll say it. You... You can do it. Come on. you you you you you you can do it come on come on i think i can't because no i no i liked yesterday's one but i think you can do better okay well um you something something to do with the the ocean oh that's really smelly salty good salty great you you wet just relax okay I'm pushing it. You fuck! Yeah, no, good. It's a classic.

It's a classic. This is why you never work shop. How do you feel? How do you feel about that? I feel really good. Not you, him. You feel insulted? What do you call me?

A salty wet... He called you a fuck. A salty wet fuck? A salty wet fuck. I should point out at this point that the two figures that are facing... That have wrestled you into the mud, Friso, are wearing huge

oiled greatcoats and seem to be strapped with sort of bags, pots, and bayonet-strapped spears, which is a spear, I realise. Now that I say it... Now, you're lucky that you got us because you could have had a spear with a now that I say it you're lucky that you got us

because you could have had a spear with a smaller spear attached to it I've got high hopes for this once this madness is over we're going to make lots of money out of this you know because me just going to chime in here me interested in this because

me getting speared the last thing me going to expect another spear. Another spear, you see? Another little bit of surprise, I mean. About a half inch above where we speared you. Imagine, imagine the indignity of it. The one talking pulls off what is a...

Can we hard cut to this world's version of Shark Tank? So, tell me about your invention. So tell me about your invention Basically all we want is 100,000 shells So there you are You have a spear It's about 20 centimetres too short And just a half inch too high on her

Cut back With a shlick sound And just a half inch too high on her. Cut back! Okay. With a schlick sound, they pull off skin-tight oil skin masks that they're wearing with dense smoked glass lenses that make them look like kind of bulbous subterranean creatures. And you can see the face of two very young pale boys. Not more than 19 moons using the Ben Jenkins moon system. What do you imagine

you're doing putting a light out on the dicks? Are you mad? Have you gone mad? Are you here to kill us? Do you have a gun? Not yet. I did have a gun previously. You've got an iPad. No I don't. No. I don't have an iPad. I have a Dave. What are you two frog boys doing out here on a night like this?

We're trying not to die, mainly. Yeah, I suggest that your friend try it sometime. Yes, yes. Give that a go. Try not to kill yourself using light. He's insulting. Fuck, I'm forcing it. No, you are forcing it.

Try and relax. Just change the scene. As your grandfather. What? I don't like this kind of language. All right? I don't know how you got so far behind the line, but you're coming with us.

Okay. Your grandfather? Yeah. I imagine I'm related to you in some way. How? What? Why? Well, after I went sleepy bye-byes, my son,

I imagine copulated profusely. This happens all the time. It's a kind of shell shock. They believe they're related to everybody. Oh, God, this is a sad one. Now, let's get out of here. As he says that, he suddenly turns around and his face turns white as there's a crackling sound

and hundreds of dancing lights, like the arcane spell, burst out in the air above you, illuminating the fields as far as you can see. And those ravines that you once saw, you realise are now trenches. You can see for hundreds of feet, it is as light as if it is day here on the battlefield in the mud. A battlefield? And the two of them are white. Good

God, by Byron's fetid balls, we've got to get out of here. That's very good. Well done. Thank you. Alright, what are your names? Let's go. That's Tim. Hello, Tim. Hello. Hello, Tim. Nice to meet you. And you? Tim, are you going to... Because I introduced you, so I thought it might

be nice if you introduced me, but I mean... Oh, that's Beelzebub. Tim and Beezlebub? Beelzebub. I hate it when people say Beezlebub. What is this? A blur song?

Call me Bees. Bees? Tim and Bees. Tim and Bees? Hello, Tim. I'm just checking. I'm just checking. We're using the names Tim and Bees, not the Tim. I'm just checking we're using the names Tim and Bees, not the names I had in the notes.

No, I've written them down. Well, you didn't brief me, did you? I had to think fast. Tim and Bees. All right. As Tim looks up and he goes, Traces, if they can see us, they're tracking our location. We need to dive now.

And he dives into the mud. And so does bees, it has to be said. Must be said. We follow them into the trenches. As soon as you go face first into the mud, quickly everybody make for me a dexterity check. Yeah, do you want it to be good or bad? No, not really.

16. 14 plus 2. All right. 10. The rest of you managed to make it down into the dirt, but you can see that those lights were merely to light the way for some other artillerists miles away. Two of you, Eden and Alex, you both take 14 hit points of damage

as knives that seem to disintegrate into starlight as soon as they hit you burst into your backs as a fusillade of magical power rocks the area, decimating what precious little ground there is here still while the rest of you swirl around in the muck. Tim, searching for something, and soon he finds it. A trap door deep in the muck. He pulls it out of the sodden ground with a pop,

and it opens, and there's a tunnel deep inside of Tim and Bees. Tim dives down into it, indicating for you to follow, while Bees looks behind you, his spear with a small spear attached to it at the ready. Baston follows him down. He's grumbling to himself, being like, I like the old war. This war's terrible.

All right. Inside, you can see tunnels that are lit by old torches and bullet lamps that are resting along at regular intervals down the tunnel as Tim and Bees lead you. You also see other figures in great coats, many of them injured, one of them just smoking morosely a pipe. They mutter small words of encouragement to each other as they make their way

down, further down into what you now realize are trenches cut into the earth. Granddad's here boys. What do you think is happening? I think that I'm related to all of these people. Do you think anyone from the past is related to everybody from the future? If you go back far enough, the seven daughters of Eve? Absolutely, yes. It's called science, man. All right, you know what, Baston? I said there was a figure morosely smoking a pipe.

You can go up to him if you want. All right. Well, hello there. What do you think I've got in my pocket? Are you going to trick him out of giving you the one ring? I don't know. I thought it was a Werther's Original joke. Yeah.

I've just realised that don't... And terror comes across his face because he realises he doesn't have anything in his pocket and his grandson will be terribly disappointed. And his grandfather says his grandson... Not his grandson! That you know of, Dave. This guy says, is it a Werther's Original?

God, these years I've been in this trench, I've waited for someone to offer me a Werther's Original. And now you've come and you've said the words and I know them. So please, thank you so much a word that's original, yes well it's been a good chat, Joe great, and that young boy never sees that man again

four, you are travelling deeper and deeper into the trenches until you find a door guarded by two more officers of whatever strange army you have found yourselves amongst. And B says, here to see the Major.

I need to talk to the Major. I would also like to speak to the Major. We need to talk to the Major. We need to call off this attack. What? You can't call off the attack and the door swings open as you see a large barrel-chested man,

huge, I don't know what I was going to say. I was going to give his weight in Imperial and I realised that that's dangerous for me. But a very big man and with a fat stub of a cigar and a huge Barovian pashka. The helmets? What are they called? The Big Bird hats.

Chakas? Chakas, not pashkas. What have you brought me? What have you people brought me? Tim Pease? I sent you out on a regular mission. Didn't want to be at the top, did you? Didn't want to be.

Didn't want to be. This is not the character we discussed. No, you are going rogue yeah I have a posture that I quite like yep it's sort of like this

how I'm sitting are we doing Blackadder no I was going for 1917 which I saw yeah yeah I was thinking

it was kind of like a World War 1 vibe like Blackadder goes forth Blackadder goes forth yeah it's a little bit it's trench warfare but it's wizard trench warfare.

They were casting spells. That's what makes it fantasy. They were casting spells. Okay. That's hard. In the magic trench. Yeah, we like it. Yeah, magic.

Still a trench. You can avoid a spell in a trench as easily as a bullet. You still dig. Tim Pease, what have you brought me? Tim, who are these people? Are we back in it? I thought we'd left. Okay, good.

What have we brought them? This box. What? I don't know. A box. Ah, good. Good, good, good. Bring it here.

Tim Pease gives him the box and he opens it up and it's full of old cheeses. Oh, yes. They're all the favourites in there. Oh, I love this one. Camembert. Yes. And... Craft singles.

Craft singles. And stringers. Oh, they had this fruit roll-up get in here. Oh, but you've done me well. This can't have been all they had at the farm, though. You've been gone for two days. This is all the food you could find and scavenge. I also found this

interior of a pocket. Ah, there's some Werther's attached to that. Listen, alright, out you go. New people, talk to me. Who are you? His face falls and he looks and he tries to put on a brave face, but you can see that he is deeply concerned by the smeger pickings that these two scouts have found.

Smeger? Hey. I'm sorry, is smeger a word? Yeah, it's a... Fuck you. Fuck you. There's a word. Hey.

Hey, buddy. What's your name? Phil. Major Phil? Yeah, I mean, there was a name on the thing. Hey Hey buddy What's your name? Phil Major Phil? Yeah I mean there was a name on the thing No it's Boroff It's Major Boroff That's right

I'm Phil Boroff Major Phil Boroff I'm Phil I'm Philip Bov Boroff Philip Bov Philip Bov Boroff? Yeah I'm Boroff

Just everybody calls me Boroff Or the Major Or Phil Or Happy Larry. Philip off. His name is Philip, Borov, the Major and Happy Larry. That's a funny one that people call me. Philip off.

Well then, hey, if you're feeling like Philip now, I could make you a Happy Larry. Go on. I mean, as you can see. You're looking like you've got some real Smeagher rations here. Oh, rations of Smeagher beyond relief. And by Smeagher, I mean, fuck you! Yeah, I know that.

I know what Smeagher means. You know, you look at these rations and you go, fuck Byron in his fucking face. Who's Byron? And others, soldiers around, slap their breasts and they go, fuck Byron.

Well, happy Larry. You want to be a happy Larry? What if I offered you a full ham? A really? I'm talking

bone to meat. And, and, for free, I've seasoned it with some garlic I had stashed for quite some time. He looks at you and he's taking you very seriously. Do you pull it out? Well, yeah, I show him the hand. I don't show him the garlic, obviously. All right, I think we've got some smugglers here. It's been a while since smugglers.

Yeah, he looks like a man who has not seen meat in a while. Oh, I'm not a smuggler. I'm a simple ham merchant. You know the Ham Merchants Guild dissolved in ATFR. Yes, I know. I'm an independent operator. I'm outside the guild. I'm what you call something of a cowboy in the ham world.

You're a ham scam. A ham scam. I crossed many a picket line to sell ham. I won't be ham scammed again. This is real ham. Hey, I'll cut you off. What do you want for this ham? Why is it blue?

It's made out of a man. He means brandy. Brandy. It was marinated. Look, all we want is some power for our time machine. Excuse me? Do you have any dragon eggs? What are you talking about?

Like a dragon. I probably killed them all in the last stage, but... We're staying away from the dragon lands in the north, if that's what you're asking. Dragon lands in the north, you say? Yeah. Where they'd have eggs. And we could go...

Our egg is fine. Our egg was just like a little tipsy-turvy. Is the egg fine? Yeah, the egg was fine. We just poked our heads out to see what was going on. Which brings me to my question, what is going on? Great question, Belch. I see what we're going on here.

You'd better come inside. Come on, in you get. And he walks you into what you can see now is a sort of high-level command room. There's a huge map table. There's more of these oil-skin coated soldiers, some of them in more like dress uniforms, moving small miniatures around a large table that seems to be, have a miniature of the Balinox, and then just fields of mud.

Gentlemen, if you must play Risk, please don't play it here. They pick it all up and they go into another room. As he lays out a functional military map. This is what I'm down to. This is what I'm down to. My lieutenants are using this room, the war room, to play risk. Who is your enemy? The Carcosans.

Carcosans. Carcosans. Carcosans. And by what?ans Carcosans From Carcosa And by what? But you also said Fuck Byron Well that's just a curse You know

Oh And how You know when you say When you say Fuck Byron Is weeping asshole You don't You know

Because he's And you mentioned His fetid balls Fetid balls Or kick Byron In his face So it goes to the moon. You know, it's all figurative.

But what if I want... Take Byron to a party and then go to another party. Leave Byron behind. But make Byron drive you to the first party. It's just an expression. It's an old folk saying. How long ago did Byron live here? Are you asking what the date is? Oh yeah, sure.

You there. You have dates? That's cool. There's actually a small pauper selling newspapers. Fantastic. This is fun. You very rarely get to do this anymore. Ask him. Ask him. They love it. You there. Boy.

What day is it? Why, why sir? Today is... And then he dies of consumption. And you pull a newspaper from the bundle in his hands and you can see in the corner that it says 127 fall reckoning. And we know that has meaning to us.

When did we go to sleep? 127... That's FR. You're used to the Dow Reckoning calendar, so this is new. This is fall reckoning. Fall Reckoning. If you think real hard, you can probably puzzle it out. I imagine most people

in this room have. Probably from the fall of the reckoning. Probably from the fall of The Reckoning. Okay. No! The fall of Carcosa! No. Nah, well, I'm out. Wait, you there, boy, I mean major, how did

Byron die? I mean, nobody really knows how Byron died. It was so long ago. You know, but it's that old expression. Oh, God. I'd like to run Byron over with a van. And then I'd like to

say, Byron, are you okay? It's just a joke. Don't take it so seriously. And he's going, call me an ambulance. And I'm like, I'll call you a bloody ambulance. I will. Then I'll hit him with an ambulance. Right. One of those. Byron and Drirovich. Yeah. We call him Byron and Drirovich.

That's not even very clever. That's a bit clever, but not very. When we're in our cups. What? How much did you want for the ham? All I want is... We can probably go, can't we? I mean, we're deep underground.

If we just got back to our thing, we could just get back and leave these guys behind. Oh, by the way, when you were talking before, the Major wrote a note, when you were talking about the dragon egg, wrote a note and handed it to one of his lackeys and kept listening, and now that guy's come back. Oh, you there, boy.

What egg is that? Yeah, very good. And he gives it to the major and the major goes right, well this seems to be something that you need. And now I have it. Okay. You get

20 minutes alone with the ham. Why would I want 20 minutes? Oh. It's been so long. You know, I've been on the front line for 19 years. All right, well, this is happening. The tender slap of ham against man. He's multitasking because he goes on.

He's being whispered in his ear by this other forward scout, and he turns and he says, well, I suppose you need to tell me about this room that you were found in, apparently. Strange contraband technology and so forth. Well, no, it's not contraband. We're fine. Oh, okay then.

Oh, well, off you go then. That's a little joke. Where are the Carcosossians headquartered? I wish to naturally kill them all, etc. The room shudders again and he looks up and he goes, well, their forward bases are here. And he points at his map that is now splayed out across the Risk game, destroying it. It brims hill.

And what do you need from us? out across the Risk game, destroying it. It brims hill. And what do you need from us? Well, I'd like somebody to bloody get in there and take their misery engines, but I don't suppose you're the ones for the job. Are these creatures or people? The carcosans? Yeah, they're the living beings, right? Of course. The carcossons? Yeah, they're the living beings, right?

Of course. Okay, carcosson dogs die like any other human. Don't let their strange traditions and weird religion fool you. They bleed just like us. What kind of religion are you talking about there? Where have you come from that you don't know this? This has been a war that's waged for a hundred years. We've come through time. Yeah.

We've all come through time, lady. Oh, but in a cooler way than you. Okay. Hey, dragon huddle. We did big nine-eyes and now we're here. All right. You're going to have a little dragon huddle? A little dragon huddle?

All right. Yeah. Okay, so what if we say to this guy that if we go and kill these carcassians, maybe he'll give us an egg and we can go back in time again? Basically, we have to stop this. If they're going to keep misery engines banging on our front door and knocking our egg over, we have to stop this whole thing. That's true.

Okay, so we need to bring peace to this land. Again. What do we want from... From Major Philip I think we want that egg Yeah we want the egg It's your egg You know that's your egg

Of course it's our egg Oh I thought there were more eggs I assumed there was a second egg We talked about the egg Because I said the egg And then he went and got the egg. He go get egg. Oh, he go get egg.

What was it? Fly get egg. Oh, get egg. He didn't even use a spell. Just used a guy. All right, far off. I called Steve. All right, well, made you go get egg.

Bobby? One more question. Sorry, and now that you've just chimed into our huddle. What do the Carcossans want that you have? Oh, I mean, God How long have you got? Not that long Cos I get bored easy

Yeah, well, look Spark notes? Fucking Spark notes? Yeah, you know When you When there's a wizard And he needs to know Are you bored yet, Bil there's a wizard and he needs to know...

Are you bored yet, Vilge? ...spark up and... Yod! They want a body. They want a body? They want a body from a hundred years ago, but it's more about territory and dynasty and all, but yeah, if you ask...

Are you saying they want a boy or a body? Body. A body. Who's body? The body of whom? Petrina. Petrina. Oh, shit. Oh, no body of whomst? Petrina. Petrina. Oh, shit. Oh, no, no.

Vampire alert. Vampire alert. Everybody take the garlic out of your foreskins. It's a vampire alert. Four. One hundred years ago in this,

the second age of ruin, it seems, the body of Petrina Valikovna was lost and tradition and dictated and honor demanded that the

assembled forces of Carcosa retrieve it, for it is said that a true lady or lord of Carcosa who dies from without its land is doomed to wander the worlds forever unknown unless that body be found, and it is therefore imperative that war did break out between two great nations, the Freeborn and the Carcassians,

fighting forever for a little patch of land now long destroyed 100 years in the making, a war that never ends, a war that may not end unless a small ace team wanted for a crime they didn't commit can possibly break their way through the back lines, through the front lines, through the Svalich line and beyond to Old Brim's Hill. Where the misery engines await. The curators of Carcosa are ready defending this spot of land.

For it is imperative for the defense of their advance. And yet perhaps for the gods are wicked, mirthful in their joy. Perhaps yet the Dragon Friends may yet break that tradition, free that curse, and bring peace to a land long lost in law war. Such is the kind of shit they like to get up to. Who knows what will happen to find out? Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends!

It really is like a toilet just rolling down the hill. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hinn. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and special guest

accompaniment by Scott Edgar of Tripod. Shikira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This show is made possible by the members of the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early

access to all episodes as well as exclusive content every other week. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry,'t worry Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again

And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back Do you want us to

I can really stall out the first half of this next bit if you want What would you do? I don't know. Friso could do some jokes from his stand-up set that he wanted to try at the comedy store last week. What is Friso's stand-up set like?

I don't know. A bit about Domino's Pizza? What do you reckon? What about it? I don't know. I just... I saw one the other night. It looked real sad.

How about this? How about this? You're a comedian, mate. You do touring. You take... You do what you want with it. You know what I mean? This is a freebie from me.

I was looking at Domino's. I saw Domino's pizza. It's a game. Is there going to be a chess pizza? You could say that. You could say... Do you want to hear a joke that my son told? Is there going to be a Scrabble pizza?

He's still talking, but I think if I talk for long enough, he'll stop. Alex, I would love to hear your son's joke. Mahjong pizza? Who's there? Poo. He's good. Poo who, Zayvi? Why are you doing a poo and crying?

Three years old. That's pretty good. That's great. That's good shit.