Dragon Friends - #8.05. Thrumming Out Good Vibes with Demi Lardner

Episode Date: May 15, 2022

Editor's Note: In tonight's performance of Season 8, Episode 5, the role of Michael Hing/Freezo Freezopherson will be played by Demi LardnerThe Dragon Friends have found themselves in an age of mud, muck and misery, with their progression in time dependant on solving a conflict older than themselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! Hello! Hello! Well, well, well! I finally did it! I killed Dave Harmon! Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry, don't worry Cos that's what time travels for You can always go back. And try again.

And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back. In extra few seconds. You can always go back. The dragon friends have in their young lives travelled through space and time in some interesting ways. They've been kicked through wormholes, careened through interdimensional planes, moved through permeable barriers

of flesh and the spirit worlds in a manner typically reserved for gods. They've been flung back and forth through temporal worlds using let's be honest, fantasy cocaine and one time they got a cab. Now they find themselves leaping

through centuries using a device that Bastogne has come to call the Betty Bye-Bye Machine, a cold-cell engine developed by the late and brilliant Marceline Val, first scientist of the Fall Reckoning and true patriot to the freeborn, mother of Bastogne's child, because she and Bastogne did it one time. Oh, yeah.

Byron. The Betty Bye- Bye Machine has taken them some of the thousand years they need to travel to reach their home, but for the second time their sleep was interrupted. This time it was the din and chaos of total war that caused their chambers to malfunction. They've woken

to a world of mud and terror of trenches and misery engine. It's a World War I vibe we're going for, but with wizards, et cetera, if that's not immediately obvious. And now they stand before Major Borov, a war-weary general in the Barovian army, who, like so many before him,

is about to put entirely undue faith into the ability of the dragon friends to complete a task for him. But that can come later. For now, it's time to eat. Friso, Bobby, Filge and Bastogne sit in the mage's tent while Tim and Bees bring them that night's rations. Borov eats a mystery substance from a tin and chews thoughtfully, eyeing the adventuring party with something approaching

amusement. There is a lull in the conversation. I guess I better fill this up then. conversation. I guess I better fill this up then. Ah, boy. Gets dark quick in winter. It's the kind of thing that you don't, you know, until it happens, you don't

realize it, but then it's dark outside and just a week ago it was light. Boy, sure is muddy in here. Jesus Christ, man. Drowning on dry land. You know, something about being in the same place for so long,

you get pretty bloody good at small talk, I've got to say. You know, you say things like, oh, that's a nice bit of puddle, and then you can talk about that for 45 minutes. Really? People are very good at small talk. Oh, me, absolutely cream at small talk. Oh, yes? Yeah, I cream it.

And I say things that don't make people pause and look at me funny. I say things like don't make people pause and look at me funny. I say things like, you ever wonder why brains are so squishy? Why can't they be flat? Why can't they be flat? I want a disc brain. Is that too much to ask?

And then maybe I could say, but then you'd need a disc skull. And that would be and then I would feel the silence after I'd say that. And ask you a question. Why do you think we have necks? And then I

would say, everybody shut up. Oh, small talk. The simple pleasures. That was a good one. How do you know? I missed this. Why did you put us straight into

a non-conversation? Are you sitting there and there's a lull. The lull was to insert yourself into it and say something that wasn't, what a lull! La, la, la, la, la. So, Borov, why don't you tell us a little bit about you? I mean, what are your biggest fears?

Got any tattoos? And how's your relationship with your mum? Well, I'll answer the second one first. I've got a tattoo of my mother being hit by a steamroller. That should answer the third. And the first, I am afraid of my mother because she survived that. She's very old and very flat. You don't really get hit by a steamroller, do you?

You sort of get slowly flattened by it. That's true. That's something that I said to her when she said, you hit me with a steamroller, Boroff. And I said, well, technically, you sort of got slowly flat-stand-lit by it. Was the conversation you had as you were watching her be slowly crushed by it as awkward as this one?

She's a stoic old woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. But no, that's just me. I've been on the front for God knows 20, 30 years or so. In this little pile of mud. That's my pile of mud. Do you have another house that you go to? Like a pied-a-terre in the city or something?

Take a weekend off? A secret lover? We don't take weekends off here. We don't have secret lovers. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, no, it's nothing.

Oh. Oh, well, if it's nothing, we don't care. Okay, well, good. Oh, well, if it's nothing, we don't care. Okay, well, good. Now, listen, I hate to do this. I really do. It's not very nice of me, but I have your egg, which I understand powers something very important to you. Do I have that right?

Have you guys understood any of that? He's got our egg. Give us our egg. Give that egg back. I'd like to, I really would, because it's of no use to me. But you see, I have a couple of things that I need doing. And I'd be more than happy to replace your egg and you can go back into that chamber. Which, by the way, I thought was a myth.

So it was actually quite nice to meet you. Because I thought that that whole thing about people sleeping for a long time around these parts was just bullshit. But if I'd known you were there, I probably would have scrapped those things for parts long ago. But as it stands, I have your egg, and unless you do something for me, I guess I'll just dropkick it into no man's land. Well, don't do that. Well, look. How did we went to sleep, what? A hundred years ago?

How long ago did we go to sleep? About a hundred years ago. About a hundred years ago. It was really nice. I mean, the jungle was a little horny, but otherwise, you know, it was better than this. It's all very muddy.

How did it get so muddy in only 100 small years? So you were here... FR25, is that around right? That sounds right to me. Well, the year is now FR127. In the meantime, a few things have happened. For one thing, the horny jungle is gone. What happened?

It got too horny. No, it just got far too horny and everyone was hicked out by it. Nothing to do with the war. In around FR30, everyone went, yuck! And they flattened it. So that's why it's so muddy? No, no, no. We've been at war

since 35 FR, 37 FR. What kicked off the whole, you know, stabby, stabby, boom-ba, you know? I see you're a military historian as well. Kablamo! All right, well, do you have time for a quick little history lesson? Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do. In 35 FR, that's, I think, ten years before, or after, rather, you went back to sleep,

Strahd unifies the groups of liberated Freeborn to form the Republic of Barovia. Are you with me so far? Yes. All right. At this point, Carcosa and Barovia are allies, cemented by, of course, a marriage between the brother of Strahd, Sergei, and a Carcosen lady by the name of Petrina. Does that all make sense so far?

Yep. Taking notes. Any questions? Because I don't want to have to answer a lot of questions at the end. Is Strahd a vampire yet? At this point in the story. What? A vampire.

No, he's just a guy. Just a regular guy. Well, he's just a guy. Just a regular guy. Well, he's the head of the Barovian Republic. He's still around? Now? Yeah. No! Okay.

When does he die? I know we're skipping ahead. We are skipping ahead. There's no order to these things. Well, as long as Strahd dies in this story, I am here for the end. Me just think in terms of storytelling, you're doing very linear. Maybe you could have grabbed our attention telling us about how Strahd died and then say, how did we get here?

Do a Quentin Tarantino. I'm going to take my shoes off. Here we go. I'll set the scene for you. How's this? Why have you taken your shoes off? That seems unnecessary. No, it's

good. Trust me. We open in Why have you taken your shoes off? That seems unnecessary. No, it's good. It's good. Trust me. We open in 37FR. That's two years. I've jumped. Okay. All right.

37FR. Three bodies are on the ground. Oh. One of them, Strahd. One of them, Strahd. One of them, Sergei. And one of them, the beautiful Petrina Corleona, with a sword through her chest. Now, I bet you're wondering how we got here.

Very much so. That's very much so. Very much. Wow. I was kind of hoping there was one sword through all three of them, like a kebab. Oh, with bits of capsicum in between. But Redland is known.

But skip forward some amount of time. Skip back, rather. Okay, yes. And all is known, all that's known is that one week beforehand, Strahd got a message from his brother saying that him and his bride were coming to visit the new Republic of Barovia. He surprised them in the castle. And then, of course, the traitor Byron... The traitor Byron slain all three of them in the night.

Oh, boy. What? Well, I'm sure he had good reasons for it, you know, at the time. His own sword through Petrina. Anyway. What about the other two? What? What about the other two?

How did they get kebabbed? They weren't kebabbed. It was a dagger. Oh. All found on Byron. Byron had his own wounds bleeding out. Captured. And then the bastard escaped.

Now what followed was, I'm told, this is before my time, a pretty hairy diplomatic situation with recriminations from both sides because, of course, we'd lost Strahd and they'd lost an amount of people and not helped by the fact that we refused and I think potentially rightly to return the body of Petrina anyway what did you need it for stuff no it was a position of power You see? There was a thought at the time that Byron might have double-crossed or triple-crossed or quadruple-crossed He was just a shit Everybody didn't like him

and everybody was trying to say No, he's your guy No, he's your guy No, he's your guy He seemed like a good guy What are you talking about? I just I just told you he did a triple homicide

Yeah, but what if they What if they What if they were bad people? what if they were bad people? What if they kicked dogs? What if they all kicked a dog? And that's not nice. Look around you, man.

Countless dead. It's very muddy. You know, it's pretty bloody bad because of what he did. Not an excuse to kick a dog, though. I think he was right. I don't actually think they kicked any dogs. I think that's something he just made up. No, I think I remember hearing...

You weren't there! You just got here! Freezer! You're talking about the man who founded Barovia. Strahd von Zarovich. Killed by the coward. Byron. But you don't know why No, I don't know why

Just seems like most of this your side's fault You know, your guy killed Strahd and everyone else You know, you guys did the weird thing with the body We didn't do anything weird with the body We just didn't repatriate it Where's the body now?

Well, this is the thing. And if I'm going to be honest with you, we've been weakening and burning it for 100 years. The body is with Lord Ravenloft currently. And look, I think, Filge, you speak some truth there because we've reached a point in this war where nobody really remembers why anybody's fighting. It's clearly not going, you know, it's not a fun time.

What about a brunch? Excuse me? You know, if nobody remembers why anyone's fighting, maybe just host a brunch. Everyone comes along. Ooh, mimosas. Yeah, mimosas really just go down. You know, loosen everyone's lips.

If you don't like mimosas, Bloody Marys. But maybe that's a little violent. Could be a little on the nose. Yeah, a little on the nose. Then you've got the brunch. People have Bloody Marys. They remember they're angry with. There's a bloodbath again.

And there's tomato juice everywhere, which doesn't taste very good. I'm not a savoury beverage guy. Yeah, cold soup. Yeah, right? Listen! If what you are stumbling around is some sort of peace summit... Yes, that's what I said. I hadn't considered it as a brunch, actually.

Every time I've pitched it, it's been at night time. Yeah, no, it's late in the day. Yeah, everybody's sleepy. You might be onto something there. Everybody's been at night time. Yeah, no, it's late in the day. Everybody's sleepy. They might be onto something. Everybody's fresh for a brunch. Oh, yeah. You know, when you turn up to a brunch in the world, you're oyster. You're hungry.

You're hungry. I haven't had breakfast. There's coffee. Pep in the step. I am loving how this plan is coming together. Well, it won't work. Oh. Because every time I try and raise the idea of a peace talk,

for which we would need to return the remains, Ravenloft rebuffs it. It's only gotten worse. You see, he's sort of inchargeable. I've got my little patch, but he sort of oversees everything. And, well, he's surrounded himself with a bunch of fanatics. Anybody who comes telling him to see sense, to see reason, to return the body, to get them to a brunch. Although we've never tried brunch before, so that could be the secret sauce.

Everyone loves brunch. That person is court-martialed and then killed on the spot. Oh. Which brings me to what I'd like you to do. Please. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have told you any of that. Gotta be honest with you. I've had a couple of mimosas myself.

A couple of sundowners. And I wasn't thinking strategically. Listen, if it's what me think you're asking, me don't want to do any of that stuff where there's a big platter full of just like a meat river with like the grassini and the cheese. Like, I don't want any part of that. Well, I pledge to you, Filch, that if you pull

this off and we have a peace summit, you don't have to have anything to do with that meat part of things. There'll be fruits, a cantaloupe, a pineapple. That's it? You're just, Just cantaloupe.

We're in war. We're at wartime rations. What, you think I'm going to get some rock melon? You think I'm going to get some figs? So you could get cantaloupe, but not rock melon? Aren't they the same thing? They are the same thing. I think they are, yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you completely familiar with the fruit hierarchy in this rich fantasy world that Ben's created? Because a rock villain is a completely different thing here. How are they different? How are they different? How is a rock villain and a cantaloupe different in this world? Yeah.

Well, a cantaloupe is a normal... Just what you're thinking. And a rockmelon. Oh, that is the egg of a rock golem. That's the... No, they're the same basic fruit, all right? I'm very stressed. But listen.

Will there be any meats at the brunch? Yes, but she won't be. It'll be in a different room. Okay. Like what? Brazzola. Yeah? You know what I was going to say?

What? I was going to say fettuccine. That's not a meat. What? That's a kind of noodle. This is easy as shit, Dave. I don't know why you're always bitching about it. Just name a bunch of foodstuffs.

What's the time? Yeah, no, we're doing good. We're doing good. Well, look. We are all but humble adventurers and afraid, full of fear. We couldn't put ourselves in front of a mad general. But one of us, one of us is brave.

Friso. Yeah. Friso would give his life for all of us. Isn't that right, pal? Mostly. When I see you, Friso, I see a man who would put his body on the line without any thoughts of the consequences for the future. Yeah.

You would give away your items. You would. Just throw down a grenade. He'll throw his body right on it. He would. He would. He would give money to all his friends if you so wished. Yeah.

On opposite day, I've done a funny joke. What is it? What do you want us to do? Listen, I have some intelligence from my scouts. The news is bad. I mean, look around you. The whole thing's bloody bad. There's a misery engine up there.

That's the thing that's making all the noise. It's called a fucking misery engine. Can you imagine waking up every morning and looking at 300 yards and seeing something called a fucking misery engine? I hate it! But if that weren't bad enough, my scouts say that there's another

army coming on the eastern front. They'll encircle us and then we're fucked. But Ravenloft won't hear about it. I can't get him this information. But I know Ravenloft. I played beach volleyball with him. Oh, really? As a twosome?

Yeah. We were called Spike and... I don't know another word. Set. Spike and Set. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, they were us. We were the terror of the beach volleyball circuit when we were teenagers.

This was still during total war, I should say. Because the war's been going for so long. But those were the days. But I know that somewhere in him, he'll see reason. If you can get him this information, and he pulls out a kind of codex, kind of codex, kind of parchment thing and

he says, if you can get this in front of his eyes, if you can get past his bastard commissar and his guards and his precious new castle that's so impressive. Look at me, I'm Ravenloft and my

big dumb castle. Don't tell him I said that. If you can get it to him and he doesn't kill you, which is very likely, I think he'll see reason and he'll pull us back. What is this message he needs to see? I just told

you. That, uh, about the brunch. No, well, the message is, we're going to lose. The Eastern Front's going to open up. You have the remains. Return them. Let's get everybody to the table, and we can sort this whole mess out. Can I ask a question about Ravenloft?

Yeah. Is the reason he's not ever considered a brunch because you never see him during the day? Well, I just told you we play beach volleyball. It could have been at night. It was a daytime sport. ever considered a brunch because you never see him during the day? Well, I just told you we play beach volleyball. Well, it could have been at night. It was a daytime sport. Okay.

I mean, look at... Wait a minute. You don't see a lot of nighttime sports, do you? Night cricket. Oh, yeah, there's night cricket. Baseball. And I guess...

This is easy as shit, Dave. All right. Hey, dragon huddle, okay? Everybody huddle up. Okay, all right. Huddle shit, Dave. All right. Dragon huddle. Okay. Everybody huddle up. All right. I think this whole dude, the Ravenloft dude, he's got the body. He's definitely doing a Weekends at Bernie's thing. We go.

We take the body. We set it up in no man's land. We do some light catering. Wait, wait, wait. Why do you want the body? Well, because that's what it's all about. Other people want the body. Oh, you want to be the, you want Dragos

to host the brunch in No Man's Land. That's right. Set up a nice thing. Oh, then we can really have creative control over what we're serving. We can curate. Yeah, we can go beyond two fruits. I'm with you, Phil. Grissini is a waste of fucking space.

It's like a teething Ruth for a baby. And babies don't even like teething Ruth. And also, we're really good at diplomacy. Yeah, we're so good at this. It's the perfect plan. Okay. Yeah, maybe we can get some of them ladies covered in sushi. Oh, that's nice.

Great idea. Oh, and you know what? We've already got a lady who can't say no. It's just that she's got a big knife in her. Yeah, well, you know, you could put... That's basically a glorified plate. Shut up! I'm trying my best.

I think this is what it says. I think we know how you feel based on the Chicken Crimpy story about corpses being glorified plates, Demi Lassner. Alright, listen, I caught some... It was a lunchbox, wasn't it? What is a coffin but God's lunchbox? Alright,

you've got a... Do you have a map for us? I've got better than a map. I've got Georgie here. Georgie's going to take you to Castle Ravenloft. What's Georgie look like? Georgie! Hello. Georgie!

I've been here the whole time. Oh. Hello, Georgie. Hi, Georgie. How are you doing, guys? Maybe you want to have a more commanding presence. Okay, well. I just didn't notice you, that's all.

No, but some... How do you try it now? Big voice. Hello! Eh. That was louder. Four out of ten. Four out of ten? Well, that's better than none out of ten, is what my mother used to say to me.

She used to say, Georgie, I dislike you. So she didn't actually say the numbers thing, but... You can't spell dislike without like. Hey, thanks. That's a really nice way of looking at it. But I think you two will get on just fine. Now, it's a half day's ride, so you can take one of the carts, whatever fantasy bullshit the thing is,

um, and a horse and a... A cart? Do you ever notice that? Things are half day's ride around here. It's nice, isn't it? Well, you really are good at small talk. That's a good riff. People around here are always saying things like, Oh, I'm a yonder.

And what would you have me do? That's what I like to say. What would you have me do? You could just say, What would you have me do? What would you have me do? What would you have me do? What would you have me do? What would you have me do? What would you have me do?

It's a good question. What would you have me do? It's all good. Alright, piss off. Alright. So you go on with Georgie in tow. You set out for Castle Ravenloft. You have been out of the camp and you see it kind of going in the distance

and you look around and you can see the havoc that this almost hundred-year war has wreaked on a landscape that is not too unfamiliar for you. This is, after all, the same place that Nethereal was, albeit ground-based. And the rolling hills and horny jungle have given way to what looks a lot like the Somme. Mud, rolling fields,

not a lot of nice stuff there. You pass through some abandoned villages as if things have had to kind of up and people have had to up and leave really quickly. You're about two hours into your ride when you come across a small settlement of people as if they've sort of set up a shanty town and as you ride past,

they kind of are begging you for help and supplies. Sorry. Nah. Anybody got any Skittles on them? Let me see what we have. Who would like a big load of rope? Rope? Here you, young girl. Yes? What would you do with a nice big load of rope?

Oh, boy. Come on, Filch. We better get along. Hey, what is... Maybe... Come on, Filch. We better get along. 50 feet. Hempen. There you go.

I'm crossing it off my list. Why, I'd make the biggest skipping rope in all the world. Well, there you go. I like to bring a smile to the beggars that I meet. A week later, she was dead. Ben, Ben. Skipped herself to death. Landing on bloodied nubs. Still jumping, though.

So this is Barovia, right? This is the newly, I think it was founded in 35, 37. But in a thousand years, this will be where Bastogne was from. Yeah, I mean, in this timeline, yeah. Ooh, leave a time capsule. Ooh, geocaching. Okay, you can do that. Sport Dominic!

2012, 2012. Wait, that only works when you go back. Just give him a rope away. Oh, damn. So, yeah, because Georgie is like, oh, guys, I have to do a wee. So I'm going to go and do that. Don't abandon us. No, I'm under strict instructions to not abandon you

and if you try to run, to kill you. Very quickly. All right. What's he carrying? Weapons wise. He's got a sword and a couple of daggers and a bow on his back. He's actually like weirdly, like you didn't notice how armed he was until he said that.

You said bow and I was like, oh, like a present. He does have that as well. Like a car at a 16-year-old birthday. He does have a little 16-year-old birthday car bow on him because my present is your present. But if you do run, I will kill you again. I need to reiterate this. I like him.

So, Bastogne, guys, if you want to bury anything for the future, you can do that now. Oh, we want to bury anything? Any landmarks around? There is a real craggy rock. What would you say it looks like, if we were to, like... I think it looks like, but you couldn't possibly know this, it looks exactly like, exactly like,

but again, you couldn't possibly know this, the profile of Willem Dafoe's face. Oh, scary. So they call it Green Goblin Rock. Yeah. Yeah, they do. By a weird quirk in all the timelines, they call it in every single iteration of this universe,

Green Goblin Rock, for different reasons. In our world, they call it because it looks like the Green Goblin from Spider-Man, but in their world it was discovered by a Green Goblin, so that's why. Does anyone have anything they want to bury, like a spare set of keys so we can get into the house if we need to, or what's going to last a thousand years

under Green Goblin Rock? Hey, can you guys do a perception check for me? 16. Mine landed me. 16. 16. Mine landed weird. 3. 15.

Okay, so... 14. What? 14! All right. Bobby and Baston, you think behind Green Goblin Rock you can hear a kind of muttering noise. And that's not where he just went to pee. No, George, he's gone to pee elsewhere.

He's gone elsewhere. All right. Should we... You go one way, I'll go the other. All right. Classic pincer movement. Classic pincer movement. Okay.

Three, two, one. Crab! Okay, so... Eden, can you do that? Crab? Can you just say you crab these people? No, you would make me make a stealth check probably to see. Then that's what I'm going to do.

Okay, double stealth. Oh, there's Hing's loaded dice. Wait, what? 20. Okay, I'll use a regular dice. 18, still good. Okay, so you sneak up on these people. You see two young men with shabby swords.

Shabby swords? Yeah, they're like made out of driftwood. Shabby chic swords? Yeah, shabby chic swords. Like kind of a boho sword? Yeah. They've got like scarves tied around them. Yeah, it looks real cool.

And it looks like if you tried to pull it off yourself, it would just look shitty. You know what I mean? You see two and an older gentleman in like a patchwork cloak. And he seems to thrum. Oh, no. Oh, no. With what?

What's he thrumming with? Eldritch energy. Some sort of, yeah. I mean, it's never not that. I'm never like, Dave's never like, oh, and it seems to thrum with good vibes. With good vibes. You get real. This guy's just thrumming out good vibrations, guys.

Is there some sort of hexadecimal tessellation happening or not yet? He's not doing it yet, but he's saying, you fools, you've given us away. Attack. And because you got the jump on them, you have advantage, so... Are we fighting? Yeah, you're in combat now. Okay. No, I've only got one sword now.

Yeah, because you gave the other one to Byron. Yeah, which he used, I found out, to kill Strahd. Oh, no. Yeah, so he's my old son. I raised him. Oh no. Yeah, so he's son, my old son. I raised him. Not well. Oh man, you're going to have lady juice all over your big nose. What's the armour class?

The armour class is 15. Sorry, the two boys. Oh, the two boys? Well, the two young, they're teenagers. It's fine. Don't get weird. Okay. They're like 13. I'm a class.

Okay. So I'm just going to use my martial arts to try and just knock them out. Okay. Because they're just kids. Well. And probably my grandsons. Yeah. All right, grandsons.

That's enough of that. Bam. And I do 12 to one and 10 to the other. Okay. They're looking pretty crook. Okay. Surrender now and I won't punch you again. Do an intimidation check. DC. Well, they're looking pretty crook. Okay. Surrender now and I won't punch you again. Do an intimidation check.

DC. Well, they're pretty crook, so ten. I'll use that little loaded dice. Don't use the loaded dice. Oh, I got a one. All right. A spicy one. As you say surrender, your voice cracks a little bit.

Surrender. And they suddenly have a second win. You still have the drop on them, so you have a move before they rally. Yeah, I'm going to attack the man. Okay. So that's an 11. You get pluses. What are you attacking him with?

Oh, with my sword? Yeah, you get like plus 8. Oh, yeah. Okay, so that's 21. Okay, so his armor class is 16 and that hits. Okay. And... Stab him.

You stab him real good. So what's it... So this is the guy, is he like in a patchwork quilt? No, patchwork cloak. He's a... He looks and he thrums. He's a... Yeah, he's in a quilt.

He's like my grandmother? He's in How to Make an American Quilt quilt. Wow. And he's like, this is the only one I could find. It does feel like... I will tell you though. It does feel like this man hasn't been in a reputable wizarding shop for

a long time and he has just maybe made his robes out of a doona. That's 16 damage because it was a surprise attack. A sneak attack. Sneak attack. So how much damage is that? 16. 16. Okay, he like he reels back and he goes, in the name of the sound!

And now it's his turn. And he rolls a five, which misses, and a... What's your arm class? Me? Yeah. Who, me? Who, me? 16.

And another thing that misses as well, but bolts of blue lightning pass by you very close, obliterating part of Willem Dafoe Rock. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. The boys rally and they run with their little chic swords at you, Friso. You were nearby, right?

We were nearby, but I was getting ready to do something sneaky. Okay, fair enough. I'm just going to stay with these guys and you guys are kind of watching the combat because that's easier for old janky-jank. Alright. So they run at the guy whose voice broke and this also means that I get another roll. And that misses

a game. They're really bad at this and starting to get a little bit demoralised. Okay, my turn? Yep. Okay. I've climbed the rock, by the way. You've climbed the rock at this point? Yeah, I'm still sneaking. You're going to use your action to climb the rock? Yeah, I'm going to climb the rock. Okay. So I got 17 on the old dude. Does that hit him? Yes. I'm going to spend one key point because I'm going to climb the rock. Okay. So I got 17 on the old dude. Does that hit him? Yes.

I'm going to spend one key point because I'm a monk to do a stunning strike, which basically makes him stunned. Okay. So I smack him. He's got to make a con save. Yeah, and what's that? A constitution save. DC 14.

Well, he got a big hot five. Yeah, so now he's stunned. He's just like, dude. Okay. Well, he got a big hot five. Yeah, so now he's stunned. He's just like... Okay. Seeing that this man who means something to these two teenagers is stunned,

both of them start to run away. It's up to you. Jeffrey, stop, Ross. Stop where you are. That is neither of their names, so they don't stop. Oh, damn it. I will tell you, though, if you guessed their names, they would have stopped. Okay.

Chongo, Bionic. They stop. And they look up at the rock, because you're now at the top of Willem Dafoe Rock. Yeah. And they go, what's that? Oi Chungo, she just called my name. I'm a bully. My name's Fraser.

How'd she know our name? Nobody knows. I've not... Oh, wait, that's not a lady. That's a fella with long hair. Oh, he's sweet. Oh, I've never seen anyone like him before. He looks... You know what he does? What? He drums with a sort of malevolent energy, I reckon. Yeah. A bit

sus. Yeah, I don't like him at all. I bet he's into tentacles. Yuck. Oi, uh, sorry like him at all. I bet he's into tentacles. Yuck. Oi, yeah, sorry about that. We were sort of following orders. Yeah. You know, from the big fella. From who? Oh, the guy in the doona. Yeah.

Come to our town. He's looking for acolytes. I said, oh, well, you know, what am I doing? Nothing till Tuesday. Yeah, I'll be an acolyte, you know. We've got bingo on Tuesdays. Till then I'll be a bloody acolyte. Yeah, I'll be an acolyte, you know. We've got bingo on Tuesdays. Till then, I'll be a bloody acolyte. Yeah, I'll go in there and say he's all bloody, bloody, blah about the bloody noise and the sound.

Oh, the sound. He loves to go on about the sound. I love to go on about the sound. Oh, he loves the sound. Oh, you wouldn't even hear about it. Oh, you would hear about it. You hear not just about the sound, but sound about the sound. Yeah, he's proper.

The sound on sound. He's proper mental. Oh. Anyway, so no bingo to sound on sound. He's proper mental. Oh. Anyway, so no being a tchil, tchichus. So we go, all right. And so he's on the road and he's trying to get, you know, what he calls tithes. Tithes to the sound.

Tithes, tithes. Just call it what it is. It's money. It's robbery. It's trying to get money. It's robbery. Don't have to dress it up in some fancy word. It's a nice jacket though, isn't it?

It's a nice, it's a doona It's a bloody doona I ain't got a doona though I'm just hoping one day I'll be top acolyte And I'll wear the jacket Yeah it'll be nice So anyways, no hard feelings I mean everybody looks pretty good

Yeah I'm off I've actually got to go back down the Ari Yeah I'm going to go back Hold on, what were your orders? I've got a family that I just left behind. What were our orders? What are your orders? From old mate Doona Face.

Yeah. Stick by him, help him collect his tithes, and then bring him back to his little retreat, he calls it. In the name of the sound. In the name of the sound. In the name of the sound. What's Doona Face doing at this point? I think he's still stunned. I'm going to roll him up in his doona like a burrito.

Good idea. Yeah, swaddle him. Where's this retreat? It's about half a day's ride from here. Oh. I was right. Everyone is always saying that. What would you have me do?

Have you ever noticed everybody's always saying that? What would you have me do? It's true. Anyway, and then, yeah, it's about half a day's ride south. You guys are going north. Oh. Well, we're probably going to take him Oh, by all means

I'll tell you what I hope you like hearing about the bloody sound Because that's all you're going to be doing Quick dragon huddle Right The sound is like that clue That Strahd was talking about last time We never heard the clue

No, there was There was something about The roar that sounded It wasn't even a clue. It was a very straightforward thing that we just said. I've got some... It's like if somebody

went to the shops and went, oh, could I get a Coke? And the shopkeeper was like, ooh, riddle me this. A fascinating puzzle from you, sir. I will take some time to think on that.

Well, let's not waste another clue and question this guy. Oh, the burrito? Yeah, the burrito. Captain Burrito? Well, we should keep going because otherwise this half a day's ride, you know, it'll blow out to three quarters day ride. What is that? Like, that's nothing.

Yeah, nobody says that. Hey, it's Georgie again. I could not help notice all the assault. And the body's still and the bot the body is still dazed on the ground oh yeah that guy what's it got on it you know that guy no i'm looting the body what i'm looting the burrito there's no way you're looting i'm gonna slip my little hands in there i'm gonna get whatever he's got very on brand for free so uh you find on him not much money actually it doesn't seem like their tithing has been particularly successful,

but you get ten gold pieces. Yeah, that sounds good. Because sometimes I just say numbers and Dave's like, that is somebody's salary for a year. No, ten's good. So you said ten gold pieces. Okay. You don't have a pen to write that down,

so I'll give you ten skittles. Thank you. Okay. Yep. You... Oh, not too close. He's got some rings on his fingers. You want to take those? Yes. close he's got some rings on his fingers you want to take those

yes and he's got I'm not going to put them on because it seems cursy or something sure and around his neck he's got a amulet

that has like a complicated kind of intricate lattice work pattern yeah I like that alright anything else oh

yeah a muesli bar yeah he's got a choc A muesli bar Yeah He's got a choc-chip muesli bar that's half eaten I still get stuck in my teeth But I could use it for, I don't know It's up to you It's your muesli bar

Alright, I'll have that too Great Is that all? Sorry? Is that all or is there anything? That's all he's got Check his fillings I was about to say

He has astonishingly good teeth actually Wow Maybe I'll take one of them Like one of them. Like one of his natural teeth? They're all wood. Do you have anything that can extract a tooth there? Ooh, let me have a look.

I've got a muesli bar. And so... Your half day's journey may have blown out into maybe three quarters of a day's journey, but you have learned perhaps something and gained a muesli bar, some money and some jewellery. But what else? Who is this stranger wrapped as he is as some kind of eldritch doona burrito? And what will happen when you arrive at the gates of the newly being built castle Ravenloft?

Can the dragon friends get the information in front of Lord Ambrose Ravenloft himself or will they trip over their own dicks doing something stupid like adopting a pig to find out

where they find the pig to find out answers to questions such as these, tune in to the next Dragon Friends Thank you! If you do not provide a pig for me to adopt I'm going to pull it with a sheep because I've got the ham

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey Simon Greiner, and in this case, Demi Lardner. Just for the sloppiness. Our Dungeon Master for this episode was Ben Jenkins, doing his absolute best with live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney

on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This podcast is made possible by the contributions of the Dragon Friends Patreon, where you can get ad-free early access to episodes along with exclusive content for as low as $5 a month. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry, don't worry Yeah Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again

And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back Can I tell you about how at my nana's funeral I accidentally, I was nervous So I had a big box of shapes in my hands

and my mum made me kiss her goodbye and I really didn't want to, but I tipped all the shapes in her coffin and I was like, mum, what do I do? And she was like, I don't know. So I went to grab a mountain, she was like, not that! Grabbed my hands. It's really rough.

My understanding is if you go to the afterlife with nothing in your coffin, then you just get, you know, the heaven buffet. Yes. But if you turn up with something, that's what you've got. Yeah, that's what you've got and that's it. I think you did something really well, Demi, because usually people put pennies on people's eyes for their boatman show. You've got to give them some shapes.

He's got to be like, oh, yes, I've been eating pennies this whole time. It's so important that you remember what flavour shapes they were. They were chicken crimpy. Oh, no! The king of shapes! I was going to say that's the most disrespectful shape. I fucking love chicken crimpy because what's crimpy? Do you know what?

If I die, God forbid. You won't. I know. But if I die and somebody puts chicken crimpies on my corpse at my funeral, just fucking throw me in the ocean and pretend I never lived. Okay. Okay. Okay.

What if it's your granddaughter and she's got a burgeoning comedy career? Well, in that case, that's different because I will have already made a lot of mistakes.