Dragon Friends - #8.06. Partners Inc. LLC with Demi Lardner

Episode Date: May 29, 2022

With Road Distractions behind them and the in-progress Castle Ravenloft ahead, The Dragon Friends must create a cunning ruse to get face to face with the lord of the castle. Surely Four Such as These can devise a thematically appropriate cover story to get them beyond the gates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

For those of you unaware, Michael Higgins. I finally killed Michael Higgins. It was a strange little train situation, but we weren't strangers and we weren't on a train. Yeah. We just said, let's kill somebody. It was sort of just a situation, really. We just said it was a double homicide. Yeah, it was sort of just murder.

Yeah, it was good old-fashioned murder. But it was fun and it was actually self-care. Yeah. And I stand by that. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for.

You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back. In extra kill your friends You can always go back In extra few seconds You can always go back The silhouette of Castle Ravenloft is one that at least some of you are intimately familiar with.

It's soaring spires. It's balustrades. Lightning crash. Silhouetting it. Something like that. Yeah, absolutely. And yet as you approach it, you can see just the beginnings. It is a castle very much in construction, a work in progress.

You get the feeling that you are watching history be constructed. And by history, I mean a building. But what is history if not a building where we store facts and things that happened for you? Can I say something? You keep your facts in a building? Normally I'm

sitting in that spot and I cop the brunt of Ben's panicked eye contact as he makes shit up. And it's just really nice to be able to be separate from that. You've got a buffer. Yeah. So I understand it.

It's a really good improv tip, by the way. Some of you sometimes ask us for improv tips and one of them is... Nobody has ever asked us for improv tips.

Never. Well, we've got heaps if you want to give one right now. Well, panicked eye contact is the key to good communication and improv. Ben thinks that the word he's looking for is in the back of my skull.

If he looks at me hard enough, he'll find it. And often I do because as you approach this historical building not yet built, you can see from the... So it's just like a ding. Yeah, it's just like a thing. Yeah, it's just like a thing. I said thing, like without the belt. Oh! You know?

Sure. That was just cute, it wasn't funny. Sometimes you can just be cute and not funny. Sometimes you can just be cute. Sometimes I'm a nice little thing. They don't always have to be winners. I'm silly. You are.

As you approach with Georgie riding shotgun and your mysterious wizard, Raftin and Dune are still not yet conscious. You see huge temporary but very sturdy walls around the castle. These are not the walls that you will come to know, the stone walls with the moat and the, you know, all the stuff.

Parapets? Parapets and whatnot. Crenelations? Crenelations are not yet there. What you see before you are. Tiny thin windows for arrows. None of those yet, just logs. Huge, huge big cauldron of boiling oil to go.

I'm telling you, Simon, none of those things are there yet. But what of the portcullis? Not a portcullis in sight, for these are wooden walls, sturdy though they are, but not pleasing to the eye. I want to hear you describe it, Dias. As you approach these

walls, you see a gate on the southern side of the even though you're approaching from the north, which is wild. That's fun. Shit, that gate is freaking yonder. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, okay. Oh, damn. That fucking gate yonder as hell. Damn. Dotted around the walls are makeshift sentry towers with archers in them. Importantly, archers or archers? That's what I was going to say.

Archers. Are there any archers there? It's only a waste to put them in the temporary wall. And Georgie says as you arrive, well, we are here and, you know, we only assaulted a few people so I call that a win, you know, for me. Georgie!

Yeah? How do you feel about cold cured meats? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. Uh, ham? Oh, I hanker for a ham. I could not help but notice that you had... You want to take a couple steps back there, champion?

No, it's fine. Your ham is not my ham, as my mother used to say. Bring your own ham, you little shithead. She would say when she would be eating a beautiful ham. She sounds distant. Yeah. I identify with that. I'm playing my part well.

Oh, nice. Did your mother sometimes leave you looking at the salamis as she went off to the ham section to get a lot of ham for herself and not bring it back to you? This happened, yes. It was unpleasant. Did she leave you looking at the bung frits? What?

Sorry, sorry, I just realised I'm from Adelaide. Devon. Oh! This is what I love about the podcast. We can say a kind of meat and people cheer. That's the sign that you've made it, I feel. Guys, this is where I get off. I'm going back because...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But you've got to take us through to see the general. No, of course not. Did you hear or maybe you weren't listening when Borov said this is suicide mission? Oh. Oh. Oh. I have so much more to do.

You know? I'm going to learn to dance. And... One thing before you go. Okay. This guy in the burrito kept saying in the name of the sound.

Oh, yeah. He's big sound freak. They thought it around the place, you know? But what are they on about? That's when you get, like, something and you stick it down the tip of your urethra for

pleasure. Do you know? This is what I thought, but it's not that. It's something else. You don't want to do it with wax from a candle because your whole thing... There's a book about it. It's not good. It's called David Copperfield.

It's well worth a read. It was the best of times. It really was. So you let these guys they pop up from time to time. They cult. They freaks. We just try to ignore them, you know. Well, any tips?

On ignoring them? No. On when we don't. Oh yeah, try not to die, I guess. Okay, okay. Look, you are going to want to talk to Ravenloft,

obviously. You want to get him this, but there has got to be a man called Dyatlov. He big shithead. Oh my goodness. Dyatlov. Dyatlov.

Clever. Hmm? Clever. Sure. Big in size or big in shit? He's a little weedy man. He's a tiny little...

Not tiny like a matchbox tiny. I don't want you to think that he's a matchbox... Load for bread. Bigger. Dog. Bigger. Horse. Standing on hind legs?

Smaller. Capybara. Bigger. Little horse. Ooh, standing on hind legs. Great Dane on hind legs. About that. Ibex.

Ibex. If this motherfucker is not a Great Dane, standing on his hind legs. Hello, welcome to the car. There he is. I can hear him from here. What was his name again? He has one weakness. It is Scooby Snacks.

What was his name again? His name is Vladimir Dyatlov. Dyatlov. Oh, I want to know Dyatlov. I thought I could do a shaggy. I can't. That's cool. Zoinks, Dyatlov.

Fuck! Simon! You've got so many talents Yeah With that Georgie goes I wish you all the best of luck And um

Goodbye Have a nice time You're really going? Oh yes This is gonna be blood bath Bye Alright Alright

So you're in front of the Uh Fortress Just like that There we were So are they building the castle In the same place that it is in the future? I guess so. Is there like some kind of vent that's uncovered that we can just like stick a Luke Skywalker bullet in?

Just blow that shit up? No, we want to talk to the guy. Don't worry about it. No, but that was a very Friso instinct. Yeah, that was uncanny. Alright, so what can we see? So there's some archers around. Are there any guards?

Yep, there's two guards at the southern entrance. And where are we? Well, you've walked around, so now you're at the... So as you were walking around, you just saw wall, wall, wall, wall. They can see us, right, though? Can they see us from their vantage point? No, you're kind of keeping a bit of a distance, but it's not so bad just to be kind of loitering.

They're not that on guard. It's when you're going to try and get in that you get the sense that there might be problems. And why... What was the reason that he said he would court-martial people or kill people from his own side? I don't think he wants any bad news. Yeah, he wants to do his stuff and doesn't want...

Guys, I've got the perfect ruse. We can pretend to be artisans here to sculpt and decorate... Oh, yes. ...interior designers. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Okay, so we are the firm of... Weeble. Starsky and Hutch. Partners. Incorporated. LLC.

Okay, I like it. I've been watching a lot of fantasy grand designs and I really feel like I've got this down pat. I'm going to talk about cladding. I'm going to talk about... Youding. I'm going to talk about you're your own project manager, you fucking dick. What are you talking about?

And then you check in in 10 years and he's gone grey and his wife's left him. Taylor's all this time. All right. Okay, so anybody got any tools? How are we going to sell this? Is there anything lying around? going to sell this? Yeah.

Is there anything lying around? Yeah, but any rocks lying around? Yeah, I'll tell you what, it is a building site. So do an investigation check for me. Or perception. What are we doing, guys? I investigate and I get 15. Yeah, you see like some ways away near the foot of the wall, there is just some discarded bullshit tools.

I got a 17. You also see that but better. Alright, well let's... Sort of won then. Sort of won that one. I'm going to grab a bundle of wood and put it

over my shoulder. And I'm going to start walking towards... Oh, you just want a pen? Sorry. I'm going to start walking towards the entrance and I'm going to start walking towards... Oh, you just want a pencil. I'm going to start walking towards the entrance and I'm going to be like... Okay, sorry, just while you do that, what are you guys doing? I'm going to be the interior designer in the firm. So I'm going to be holding all my thoughts...

Got a bit of rope would be good right now. Your rope would be so handy. No, I'm going to just have a little pen behind my ear. Cool. Okay, and I'm going to brush my hair

in a wanky manner. Okay. So I'm sort of going to be then the like advisor so which means that I'm going to be wearing sort of a like dark blue blazer.

Yeah, you're kind of going for a Kevin MacLeod. I am, yeah, with jeans and some smart shoes and then my top two buttons on there. So where are you getting any of this? I believe I have a disguised self. Oh, okay. So you're going to disguise yourself as fantasy Kevin MacLeod.

As Kevin MacLeod, yes. Not just be Kevin MacLeod. I'm going to be Kevin MacLeod. Kevin Vapor Cloud. Yeah. What about you, Siamie? Yeah, so Kevin MacLeod. It's Kevin MacLeod, yes. Not just be Kevin MacLeod. I'm going to be Kevin MacLeod. Kevin Vapor Cloud. Yeah. What about you, Siamie? Yeah, so Kevin MacLeod. All right.

And then I just do that. I don't know. Look. You're showing me ID. Yeah, you cast that one. Thank you. You could be Kevin Murr Cloud. Ooh.

So instead of legs, you've got a cloud. Yeah, I've got a cloud. I'm like a genie. He's Kevin Murr Cloud. Look, Dave's not here. I'm going to allow it. Yeah, I've got a cloud. I'm like a genie. He's Kevin Burr Cloud. Dave's not here. I'm going to allow it. Yeah! And you make this noise.

I make that noise when I move around. As you move around. Great, love it. I'm going to grab a mallet from lying around. I'm going to be like a carver man, like a sculptor. So like making gargoyles. Do you want to get the terminology? Do you want to practice terminology before you're grilled on this?

No. Of your job? Alright. Oh good. So you're going to take the lead, Friso? Yeah, I believe so. Okay.

Alright. So we're approaching? Yep. Everybody hands behind your back and like just like mmm. Alright.

I'm going to be kind of like I'm going to be like tenting my fingers and kind of saying sort of to nobody it's a sorry sight when the project in the midst

of an age downtrodden by war has rain coming through the ceiling and it has mud around the banisters. However, I feel in my gut that this project has not quite

gone astray. Whoa! He's a working class man! in my gut that this project has not quite gone astray. Whoa, he's a working class man. All right, great. He's a working class man. Another theme song for Grand Design. Theme song for Grand Design sounds like witches are approaching. So you're doing that. You're doing that.

You guys are sort of. I'm going, this can all go. This can go and that can go. And there's kind of like magical tiles with pictures of different projects and you can hear... And I'm just practising gargoyle faces. And just pointing as to where they go. Okay, so this crew of four people all doing different and uniquely insane things

approach out two guards. And they sort of shift in there because if you didn't have their attention before that, you have it now. And they kind of move a little bit closer together from the entrance and they put their spears sort of in a crisscrossy way and they go, All right, what's going on here?

Hail, and I am Kevin. What? We have an appointment with the master of the almost house. Right, well, I've got a list here. I've got no appointments. I mean, look, I've got a list. He doesn't want you to know because we're building the feature wall. It's going to be a surprise.

Yeah, all of this wood here is going to be bespoke. It doesn't look like anything now, but once you kind of tessellate it... It's kind of a gift for the community. You see, he's rather embarrassed because the budget has gone way up. Okay, Demi, you're kind of leading this, so do for me a deception check. And it's a pretty high one because you're all freaks. Wait, wait, wait. Bobby, do you have prestidigitation?

I do. Make a little illusion of the 3D model, you know, in the house, where they show what it'll look like. Why don't I just do prestidigitation to, like, write our name on the list? Okay, well, I got a 27. Yeah! Woo! Woo!

All right, so let me tell you where that's going to get you. That's not going to get you turned away straight away. Okay. Okay? He is all of a sudden a little bit... He's fearful because it's wartime and they're in absolute lockdown and he's been explicitly told that... He goes, look, I'm going to be honest with you guys.

I've been told nobody on this list, nobody who's not on this list comes in and nobody comes out. Actually, no, people can come out. That's fine. Well, look, Dyatlov's going to be very disappointed in you if we don't put in

this feature wall on time. Well, your meeting's with Dyatlov. It's what I said. All right, well, I'll just go get him then, shall I? All right, yeah, do it. Hey, you know what? What?

You've got a great face. Do you mind if I make a gargoyle that looks like you? Oh, goodness me. Can you know what? What? You've got a great face. Do you mind if I make a gargoyle that looks like you? Oh, goodness me. Can you give me a smile? I don't want to give you a smile. Smile with the bottom half of your face. Frown with the top half of your face.

And then just thrust out with your pelvis. Oh, my God. Give me some paper and some charcoal. This guy's got it. I'll go get him. All right, thanks. All right, we'll come with you. And because of that, and because of that role,

he is going to let you do that. So you're now within the fortress walls. I beg of you to stop doing that. So a round of applause. They've made it into the fortress. Walking through the walls, you see that this is both a construction site and a military camp. You can see barracks in the sort of western quadrant of this huge space where soldiers are coming and going.

Next to the barracks is an armoury. You can also see a big mess hall where they're having... ..making a big mess. And they're having a big mess. And then there's a place where they can eat. So there's a mess hall where they're allowed to get real messy and just blow off steam. And then there's the eating place. Someone having a Bucks party in the mess hall?

Yeah. There's probably about 50 or 60 foot soldiers. And they've all got their towels wound up and they're all flicking. Is that what you think of Bucks Party? Yes, absolutely. Now, we didn't think that a bathroom, kitchen, dining room and bachelor pad would all be able to fit in one room.

But you know what? I love it. And you also see, you also notice, can you guys do a perception check for me? Yeah. Yeah, Bobby, 20. Bam! Natural 20.

All right, great. You also notice that there are foot soldiers and they kind of look pretty similar to the soldiers you saw on the front. They're a little bit cleaner. But you also see like another kind of class of person. They look kind of like officers. They're dressed in much fancier hats. You didn't describe the fanciness of anyone's hats so far

I want you to imagine the worst hat you can possibly wear Imagine the worst possible hat The worst hat is a bird's nest Disagree Cowpat Cowpat, bird's nest Propeller hat, fedora Fedora, blobfish.

Von Dutch. Von Dutch is there. So these guys are wearing those big... Von Dutch. You mean the officer class? Yes. Yeah, the Von Dutch class. Yes.

All right, I'll allow it. They all have the same or they've got unique different patterns? Unique. They seem special but they also seem slightly dazed. Something, because you rolled a 20, something about these, and there's probably about 10 of them that you clock, they're very focused.

They're very sort of on their way somewhere, wherever they're going. They don't seem entirely there, though. Where are they heading to? Oh, they're all heading different directions, but I just mean that there's something about their movements that suggests a hyper Ritalin

focus, baby. They're on Nazi speed. You can also see They were. The Nazis were all on speed. It's accurate. They loved it. It's just a crazy thing to hear. You can see approaching

a kind of grander tent than all of them. This you immediately recognise as an officer's own... British Bake Off tent. Yeah, it's kind of like the British Bake Off tent. How many British reality TV shows

can we get in this episode? Yeah, it's nice. And you realise that you are being brought to meet the man they call Dyatlov. He is a hulking figure. He's very squat. He's very... Oh, no, I said he was little, didn't I? You did.

I said he was as tall as the Great Dane on his own lips. Yeah. Which actually, pretty big. Pretty tall. Yeah, so I'll stand by that. He's freakishly tall, actually. You get the sense that Georgie had never seen him before and was just kind of cobbling together a lot of folklore.

Yeah, okay. He's tall. He's heavy set, actually. So Georgie was wrong about that, too. So like two Great Danes. Two Great Danes standing side by side in a big coat wearing a Von Dutch hat. Okay, a very wide Von Dutch hat.

And he's somebody who really seems like he could sort of just crush your skull with his hands. And does his voice sound like two dogs talking at the same time? Well, you haven't spoken to him yet, so you don't know. He's back to you. He's going over some maps. And the guard sort of clears his throat and says, I saw the builders are here. He says, what?

What? What? I did not ask for any of this. And he turns around to look at you. You have a couple of seconds to react. We'll strike a pose. Charlie's Angel. And while we're posing, I say,

I understand that you're under a lot of stress, but you did ask us through what's like an email. Letter. Like a bird. Like a letter. But you did ask us through a bird letter to come here and make the place a little bit more homey for your own. All right, Demi, I'm going to need another deception check.

It's a pretty good... You've caught him and he's flustered and... 26. 16 is plus 10. Okay. And he says to the guard, Leave us. Leave us.

Please sit. I'm not. We sit. I cloud near a champ. Is it just us and Dyatlov in the room now? Yeah. So, I mean, this is fun, but we don't have to keep doing it. Pitch mode.

Dyatlov, we just have to give him... Oh, no. We're not giving this thing to Dyatlov. We're giving it to Ravenloft. Okay, so we do have to keep doing it. We do have to. Yeah, we do. Ignore what I just said.

Hello. This room could do with some throw cushions. I am not... It's like, you know, it's like walking into the bedroom of a 20-year-old dude right now. I was thinking a sunroof

with the most expensive and enormous piece of glass you've ever seen. I'm thinking gothic, but with a twist. And behind the fireplace is a snug. What is a snug? Well, it's a thing that's in Grand Designs. It's a thing that houses in England have. I think it's kind of a lounge room.

Well, this sounds nice. Yeah. Okay, so I'm thinking floating floors. Okay one moment, one other time. Literally. Listen to me. Just a moment. We have not sent for trades people, we have our own people.

Where did you get this letter? Where did we what? When did you send this letter? What letter? You sent a letter to us. No I sent no letter to you. We received a letter saying that you were in dire need of somebody to spruce

up the inside of your place. As you see, the construction continues at pace. Look, it's got walls. Put morale, my good man. Well, yes, this perhaps could be better, but... The rain is coming in through the roof and I'm sure we can do structural changes,

whatever you need, but don't you think that you deserve a break? I mean, listen, the thing is, the thing is, when I said to Ravenloft we should get a project manager, he said, no, we don't need a project manager. No, he said, he said, you could run it yourself. You run a, you know, he said, he said, you could run it yourself.

You run a, you know, he's a commander of an army. He could command a castle. I've seen this time and time again, but you've got your own life. And it's important to have someone in charge

who's not emotionally involved. I'd give you a week I'd push for two but a week is fine with me alright you get things back on track you get my men happier and I will go back to what I do best which is planning and scheming and doing this.

We were thinking a scheming room just for you. A room that I can scheme in myself? Yes. Oh, will it have a rug that I can wear out by pacing furiously back and forth? Oh, yes. We can even do a table the same shape as the kingdom. Oh!

Really good. Really good. And you know what I'm thinking? What? Really classic. Waste paper basket wire. Hard to find these days. So when you have an idea that you don't like, you can scrunch it up.

And I throw it in. You know, it's a classic for a reason. Yes. Now, what we're classic for a reason. Yes. Now, what we're interested in here is personal touches. So we're going to talk to you. We're going to talk to Ravenloft. We're going to find out what makes a team. We're going to put together a book.

I'm going to stop you immediately. Okay. If you wish to convey anything to Ravenloft, you can write it down on a little piece of paper. You can give it to me. And then I can scrunch it up and throw it in a bin! Alright. Nobody

talks to Ravenloft. Right. Okay. He's too busy probably. But how will we construct Castle Ravenloft without a statue at the gates of the man himself.

Allow us a session to sketch and draw his figure, to make a small clay maquette, just so that we can get to that. Because, you know, a castle without a sculpture of the owner of the castle is not a castle. It's not a castle. I have not heard this. It's like a snug without a couch. Yeah. It's not a castle. I have not heard this. It's like a snug without a couch. Yeah.

It's not snug. It's like a rug without pace marks. It's like a... Tid without a nipple. Think about it. Let me tell you something. I was not on board until I heard the tit without a nipple. That would be a horrible thing.

Weird. This statue is the nipple of the castle. No, I got that. I got that. Yes. Listen, we have a problem here that I am trying to safeguard against people coming in spreading poison and pouring that poison into the ear of Lord Raven. Loft. I've been up for days! I will allow you to sketch him. But if I hear you talk to him,

if I hear you speak to him, which is in many ways the same thing, if I see you pass him anything, I will not hesitate to have you court-martialed and then killed. In fact, I might even just jump over the court-martial, because we're all busy here. The nipple. I understand that you may sketch him, but you may not talk to him, and I will personally supervise it. That is understood. Meet me back here. No, wait, better than that.

Meet me inside the newly built bit of the castle in, let's call it, is ten minutes good for everybody? That's great. Is there somewhere we can put down our stuff, a little nook for us? Yeah, you can put it down in here. That's fine.

I'm going to go to a wee. Okay. All right. I guess we'll meet you there. Ten minutes good? That's great for us. All right, so he leaves. He leaves you there on your own, actually, in his room.

Is there anything to be searched? It's a room. Then I'd like to search the room. It's a tent, sorry. It is a tent, but it's a very lavish tent. There are chests and he's got his own little desk. Not in the shape of the kingdom, it must be said. But you do see that the makeshift rug they have put down

does already have paste marks on it. What's it made out of if it's makeshift? Paper. Paper. Just A4 bits of paper stapled makeshift? Paper. Paper. Just A4 bits of paper stapled together. Stapled together. Sad.

And they've all got rug written on them. I would like to do some riffling, if I may. Make for me, Phil, an investigation check, please. You say riffle. I'm going to riffle. Riff, riff. What kind of check? An investigation check, please. Like in his drawers?

It's rifling, though, right? It is, yeah. Riff, riff. What kind of check? An investigation check, please. Oh, yeah. Like in his drawers. It's rifling, though, right? It is, yeah. It's rifling. No, riffling is... I feel like rifling's like... And riffling's like... Okay, but that's a thing that you've made up.

No, it's fine. You're just talking about looking through a filing cabinet. Okay, roll your dice. Oh, it's a five It's a five Oh no You find some like rations list

It doesn't look like Even you can tell that Like things are looking pretty bad On the front You find some drawings that he's done That aren't very good What are they all? He's trying to teach himself to draw a horse

Oh no What does it look like? It looks like a big weird dog What are they all? He's trying to teach himself to draw a horse. Oh, no. What does it look like? It looks like a big weird dog. Now, Ben, this is the fourth time today that you've mentioned to me drawing a horse. Are there a lot of pictures that were supposed to be horses currently in your home that are like big weird dogs? Potentially. Ben's got hobbies now I'm really good at drawing horses Because when I was a kid

I used to draw pictures of horses And men and ladies And cut them out and play with them That's so lovely What did you grow up in? The fucking Great Depression? Then they could be whatever you like Make your own toys

Oh, that's bummed me out Let's move on That's bummed me right out, Alex Then they can be whatever you want. Make your own toys. Oh, that's bummed me out. Let's move on. All right. That's it. You bummed me right out, Alex. Quick dragon huddle. Huddle, huddle, huddle.

Huddle, huddle, huddle. Huddle. Freezo. Put it together. Now. Snap out of it, man. Come on. What's going on? Okay. Baston. Yes. Phil., man. Come on. What's going on?

Okay. Baston. Yes. Phil. Yes. Friso. Once we get in there, we cannot talk. Come on, man.

But we will need a distraction. Who's got the codex with the message on it? I don't. Wait. I don't. There was a codex with a message on it? It was like a piece of paper. Pass it to us. The scroll.

Oh, the scroll. For the Lord. Check your pockets, Bobby. I think you've got it. You thought we had it, but you had it all along. Dave wouldn't have allowed that, but I cannot. Color me embarrassed. We will need

a distraction in there so that Diablov doesn't see me getting these papers to the Lord. Diablov is... Another idea. Yes. Okay, but Dyatlov is... Another idea. Yes. Okay, you know, why don't we tell him that we want him to pose with something,

like a skull in his hand, and we could put the codex in the eye socket of the skull. It doesn't have to be a skull. Yes. What is around here? Do we want him to pose with a drawing of a horse? Something, you know, like maybe a sword sword and we could put it on a sword. We cannot talk to him?

No, but we could just pass it to him and if it's very obvious... Okay, this is a good plan, but you've got not a lot of time. Okay. We better keep riffling. Okay. Check in these chests. There's some big-ass chests in here. Okay, yeah, so I think this is a good plan,

but do you want to know what's in the room? Yeah. Yes. Okay, there is an urn, like a ceremonial urn looking thing. Taking that. No, you can't take it. I mean, you can, but they'll wonder where it is. Will they?

What do you want it for? A ceremonial urn? You know. It's got ashes in it. Can I, I want to look in, though. It's got ashes in it. Who's ashes? What's it say on the outside?

It's a language that isn't, it's just a picture of a, um. What? It's just a, Eden. Eden. It's just a picture of a different urn.

Yeah. Can you? Oh, they killed an urn. Now, they killed an urn! Now, Ben, this is important. On that tiny picture of an urn, is there another picture on it? No, it's just an urn

and then on the other side it is nothing. That's what they have when you're taking a pottery class and your shit explodes in the kiln. They put it in an urn and they draw an urn on the front. There's also a sword.

It doesn't look like it's for battle. It looks like it's kind of a ceremonial thing. I mean, that's good. There's a lot of iconography in this tent. Do I recognise the sword? Is it my sword? It's just a bog standard. I think your sword's in a broad. It's got a big, broad...

Oh, yeah. I don't know whether it was a broad sword but it is now uh there is good stuff there is a broad sword is there's some nice armor that looks like it hasn't really seen any battle on like kind of an armor armor put the stuff put the thing in the we gotta get ravel enough dressed up in the suit of armour. I'll play the horse. Okay. Yes. You've got to put him on me.

You can put the script when he puts the eye thing down and then the words can come in front of his eyes. Okay, can we affix that to the inside of the visor? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you, I mean. I'll carry the armour.

On his desk there are, there's like a wax thing for sealing documents. So you can use that to do that. Oh, nice. This is the perfect plan. So you are going to take this, sorry, just so we're clear. Are you going to put a helmet on him for his statue? Yeah. So he gets his face.

Hang on. Just so we're clear. Your plan is to take this scroll. Yeah. Okay. Otherwise we can wrap it around the handle of the sword. Yeah. Put it in the scabbard.

Got to make a call. Yeah. Dave never tells you when it's a bad idea. It's right there. Then he can just read it. Yeah, but Friso made a really good point that we need to see his face. All right, fine. All right, let's just do what we always do.

We'll go in there, we'll wing it. It'll turn out great So you don't want to put it anywhere? Let's put it in the armour No, no, no, let's wrap it around the handle of the sword I'm going to grab some of the dust from the end Okay, great Soon a lolliporter comes to grab you guys

What? To grab you guys and go... A lolliporter. A lolliporter. Skittles, sir. I heard lolliporter as well. And then another guy who's like the Skittles boy, which is the lowest rank in the army.

Disgusting. What kind of hat does he have? He has... Cow pat? He has... He's wearing his own neck as a hat. He's wearing his own neck as a hat. He's got his head off.

His head. Upside down, upside down. Like a fleshy fez. So they've cut this man's head off. They've turned his head upside down. Put it on his corpse. And then put a bowl in his hands with Skittles in it and got another person who's slightly more

senior to wheel that corpse around offering people Skittles. And that's the Skittles man. You don't want to be the Skittles man. No, no. You don't. I just say no, I'm good. And you see Dyatlov coming up behind

and goes, oh, I see you've seen the Skittles man. You know, he was the last person to try to give Ravenloft bad news. Come with me. Before we go in, and I understand the rules, we've got a couple of props here that we can hand to him. I'm carrying the props. All of these things that I'm carrying are just props. Yeah, we've got a list.

You know the thing about statues, like guy on a horse with four legs, he died in a battle. Guy on a horse with two legs, he died killing someone in a battle. A guy with a hat on a statue. Died on the toilet. Yes, I know the thing.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes a statue's got some stuff at the bottom. You are artisans. Can you not just use your imagination? No, we don't have any of that. To see the arm holding... I mean, nothing is better than seeing it in real life. To get the true inspiration of the man himself,

you can tell the difference between being fake and... Why would we even bother coming if we could just do it all with our imaginations? We are artists. You are not. Stay in your lane. And on top of that, respect women. He says,

take that sword. That's my sword. Can you hold that sword? Alright. Okay. Is that the one that we've been... Yeah. Yeah, great. He's fallen right into your trap. Okay, so he ushers you through the courtyard, you can see the castle going up,

and yeah, the courtyard, the main kind of area of the middle of the castle is in good shape, and you see in the middle of it a tall, kind of wiry looking guy. Is he though? No, this time he... Or is he a couple of dogs? You're seeing this for the first time.

You're seeing this with your own eyes. And he's got bird-like features, but he is not a bird, Demi. All right, so beak, feathers. What is going on? He's got a beaky little face and he looks like kind of old. Old like how old? Oh, like you're bugging me, Mic old. Old? Like how old?

Oh, like you're going to marry me, my girl. 70. Okay. Yeah. And he just looks fucking tired, if we're honest. Like a vampire tired? No, just tired. Oh, he's holding a candle and he's got a long hat.

What's his hair situation like? His hair? Yeah. He's got soldier's hair. He's got close-cropped grey hair? Yeah. He's got a soldier's hair. He's got close cropped grey hair. Right. Okay. So he's still, you know, keeping himself nice.

Well, I think you just get the sense that it's like he's had this rhythm for so long. Yeah, right. And we're assuming this is Lord Ravenloft and not just some random man. Sorry, that's just some guy. That's Pete. Okay, and where's Lord? Hi, Pete. Oh, hello.

And he steps aside and the man who looks fucking identical to him. That's so smart. Yeah. That's really smart. That's Lord Ravenloft. And he goes, I see all the people who've come to immortalise me in stone. And we nod. I'm going to do like a deep nod.

Okay, then I'm going to do a bow if she's doing a deep nod. And I'm going to try not to push anything off the table. And I'm also going to try not to fall off my cloud. I'm not sure how I'm attached to it. Okay, this is going to be tricky. I want you guys... What? What's going to happen next is going to be tricky,

so I want you guys to pay attention. Okay. Dyatlov says, Commander, I have brought these people to carve your likeness in stone. They are going to do some preliminary sketches. I do not pretend to know how any of this works. But I'm going to be watching them. The enemy is from within and without

and it could be anyone who is trying to... I just write the word nipple on a piece of paper and hold it in front of him and say, and point to it. All right. So I will be standing here and you do your thing. Okie dokie. So you are to set the scene.

Ravenloft is in the middle. You guys are kind of arrayed around him and Dyatlov has kind of gone to a sort of scaffold which is being used for building and he's kind of surveying the whole scene. Oh, he's watching us. A panopticon of sorts. Can we talk to each other but not to Ravenloft? I'll ask.

Can we talk to each other but not to Ravenloft? Yes, that just, if you needed to do it for work, if it's like pass me the pen or I don't know, what kind of hammer should we use? I don't pretend to know your crazy artist stuff. Oh, hammer. We'll be using several hammers. And can you ask him to pick up the sword, please?

Commander, please pick up the sword. Okay, Bobby gets a sheaf of papers and starts sketching and stuff. He's like, oh. And he writes on it, check the handle of the sword. He's like, oh, I've made a mistake. And he like pretends to draw a line on it and turn it around

and then holds it up like he's trying to get the likeness so that Ravenloft can see. Okay, this is at the very least a dexterity check. Yeah. Oh, sleight of hand, sorry. It's a sleight of hand check. DC 15. What's that?ight of hand check. DC 15.

What's that? It sounds less like he's making it up. Is that the one or the 20? That's a little man's face. Let me look at the other side. Well, there's a one on the other side of it, so that is a 20. Plus 13 is 33. 33, I think that works.

I think he turns the page of that pad. Yeah. And what does the message say? It's like, check the sword handle. Because that's where the paper is. And I'm going to be fitting a breastplate to the Lord. Like I'm putting him in the armour. Okay.

So is the sword in his hand yet? Yes, because he's been asked to do it by Diablo. So you've asked him to check the sword handle. That's all you've asked him to do? Okay. So what Ravenloft is going to do is see your message, pick up the sword, take the letter off it and read it.

Okay. He's not going to be sneaky about it because you didn't tell him to be sneaky. That is true. Well, you're exactly right. So what he's going to do is go, well, what have we here? And he's going to take the thing off and go,

sorry, just one moment, I have to read something. I have to read something, one moment. Can you write something else, like shut up? I think it's too late. At this point... I'm going to say to the guy that we were talking to before who's got his name, what's his name? It was something Russian. Dyatlov. I'm going to be like,

what have you done? We were trying to concentrate and you're attaching notes and things to our props. That's a good gamble, but it's not going to work. Dyatlov calls in guards by saying GUARDS! Like that. That's his preferred method of doing it's not going to work. Thank you. Dyatlov calls in guards by saying, Guards!

Like that. That's his preferred method of doing that. All right, I'm going to yell, No, guards! No, thank you. No, cancel the guards. And for a second. Cancel that.

Cancel that. That was a mistake. Guards march in. No, no, no, no. And for a second they go, No, no, no, no. It's fine. We don't need you guys.

But they're pretty well trained. We're good. So they come in and they immediately surround you. Okay? Wow. What was it that you... But Ravenloft's up there. He is walking down the thing.

Deatlov's up there. Sorry, Deatlov's up there. He is walking down the thing to try and take the note from Ravenloft. Do you have some time to do something or say something before he gets there? Okay. Sorry, where is he walking down? Is there like a set of stairs or something? Yeah, there's like a scaffolding set of stairs. Oh, cool. And do they he walking down? Is there like a set of stairs or something? Yeah, there's like a scaffolding set of stairs.

Oh, cool. And do they look pretty sturdy? Well, I mean, they don't look permanent. That's cool. So I want to fucking just blast the stairs so he can't get down. Wait, he's not a threat. Oh, shit. Well, no, he's going to take the letter from, he's going to take the letter.

Oh, then I'm going to blast the stairs. Okay. Are you going to confer about that at all? You said we only have a couple of seconds, but we can. I'm going to place myself between Dyatlov and the Lord. Okay, so a couple of things. I'm going to throw a javelin at his heart. Okay.

Do you have a javelin? Yeah. What the fuck? You came in as an interior designer. Where did you keep your javelin? Yeah. What the fuck? You came in as an interior designer. Where did you keep your javelin? I just stuck a big rubber on the end. Look, that's pretty funny, so I'm going to allow it. Erasing for American listeners.

But I want you to do for me an intelligence... I think this two-pronged attack is really going to work. I think so too. I want you to do for me an intelligence... I think this two-pronged attack is really going to work. I think so too. I want you to do something for me. I won't tell you what it's for, but I want you to do an intelligence check. DC 12. Oh.

Dun, dun, dun, dun. Dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, 13. Alright. So, a couple of things happen at once. Does she need to do a dicey thing? Does Fraser need to do a dicey thing if he wants to blast the stairs? Yeah. What's the armor class of stairs?

It's about damage. You should roll the damage. If it's over a certain amount, then it does damage. Okay, roll the damage. Fucking seven years. Is it seven years? Roll 3D10s. Is it Eldritch Blast or is it their Stair Blast one?

I don't think there is a specific Stair Blast spell. I'm going to use Stair Blast. I don't know where 10... Oh, no. There's dice everywhere. Roll this. We've got a dice problem. Add 9 to that.

And then... 9 and 9? Yep. So you've got 18 and then... Wait, that's a D6. And how many dice did she get to roll? Three. Okay.

Oh, that one. Oh, no. It's got a 12 on it. Do you want me to roll them? Yeah, just roll a D10, please. Roll these three and tell me what you get. Okay. Six, 10, 70?

I mean, that's going to do it, guys. Those stairs turn to fucking atoms. As if the entire concentrated force of all of Friso's ambition and will is finally released into a set of temporary stairs and they blink out of existence in the universe. Wow. Really fucked those stairs up. At the same time as that is happening, you are throwing your javelin. Because you passed your intelligence check,

you remember to take the rubber off the top of it. I rolled a D20. What, you rolled a natural 20? Oh, sorry, I rolled a D20 and then I... I rolled my dice! Guess what I'm going to do? I'm rolling my dice! So what did you roll?

I got 20 on my 20 dice, please. Oh! Okay. I've only had one red pool. All right. And then I got... Oh one red pool. Alright. And then I got... Oh, I'm doing amazing. I got a six, so then I got a ten.

Ten damage. Okay, so look. What happens is this. The stairs are obliterated. Yeah. Okay? Everyone has forgotten what stairs are. That's how obliterated they are.

For a week after, people are going to be like, how do I get to the next... I need one of those diagonal ladders. Guys, is there, like, an acoustic escalator? Or, like... It'll take a week for people to be like, oh, yeah, okay, cool. But for now, with the stairs obliterated,

Dyatlov seems to hover in midair, Wile E. Coyote style, just before he drops. But just before he does, he gets a javelin right through his chest. Yeah, does he have time to hold up a sign that says help? He does, and it says that. And nobody can help him because he's already plummeting. He's not falling far, but he's got a javelin through him. And he's falling, let's call it five metres.

So at the very least he's spraining his ankle. Not to mention his heart. Yeah, the heart. He falls with a clang and he is, if not dead, then very much incapacitated. But he is furious and he has... Oh, is he depressed? How could you dare you? That was my heart. much incapacitate but he is furious and he has i think i went through his like his he missed his heart okay you know what i mean okay well we're just expressing ourselves do you know what it

fucking is do you know why do you know what it is because whenever you guys roll a natural 20 and then roll like an amazing thing dave's like oh they they get hurt no he's never like their fucking head explodes and so I feel like I have to my my instinct is he dies you know what I mean like immediately undo all the wrongs Dave has done us all right he can die all right here's what happens stairs evaporate javelin through shits and pisses himself, dies. Yeah! That's how you do it, Dave! For a moment, it looks like Ravenloft doesn't know what to do. He's looking down at the paper, he's looking

at you, he's looking at the piss and the shit and the body of his most trusted lieutenant, his most trusted commissar. And he looks to the guards and it seems like there is a split second where he is going to decide

to do something. You have a moment to say or do something. To put his mind at ease, I'll just give him two thumbs up and a friendly smile. So he knows we're on his side. This is what happens

when you self-manage a bill. And as Lord Ambrose Ravenloft looks to you, holds up a hand in command of his guards, your fate seems to hang in the balance, not unlike the body of Ambrose Dyatlov, hung with his little help sign, not moments before. You have delivered your message, but with it you have caused havoc. You have killed a trusted lieutenant of a man you are trying to influence.

You are unsure of what your standing will be with this man when he makes up his mind, But one thing is for certain. Oh, yes. This has been a time of trials, a time of building. And not unlike making a building, it takes bricks and mortar. And yes, not a little friendship. Yes, not a little friendship. Such as the friendship shared by those motley crew we call the four Dragon Friends.

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and in this case, Demi Lardner. Just for the sultry. Our Dungeon Master for this little bit our dungeon master for this episode was Ben Jenkins doing his absolute best with live accompaniments

by Tom Cardy Shakira Khan is our producer the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me Hugh Guest and new episodes

recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation this podcast is made possible

by the contributions of the Dragon Friends Patreon, where you can get ad-free early access to episodes along with exclusive content for as low as $5 a month. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Don't worry

Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back

I once went to America when I was 15 with my family And the guy who checked me through customs said that I looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo What the fuck? Yeah. And he thought that was just fine to just say? And look at me now, I'm ruined. I used to look a lot like, when I had short hair, I used to look exactly like Bran Stark from Game of Thrones. It was really, really rough.

When I was 14, my family went skiing for the first time and I had the hood in real close around my face and everyone was like, your daughter is doing so well. Which, you know, I had fine features. And you still do. Oh, just emasculating to a 14-year-old.