Dragon Friends - #8.07. Doonaface Seems Relevant

Episode Date: June 12, 2022

The Dragon Friends face an assassin's death, shot on the gallows for a crime they absolutely and undeniably did commit. Can they guile, trick and murder their way to freedom before their sentence is served. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gaze upon the visage of a man who has had the coronavirus and lived. Yeah! Welcome to Dragon Friends. That's a weird energy to start the show. I'm going to try again. One second. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry, don't worry, yeah Cos that's what time travels for. You can always go back.

And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back. In extra few seconds. You can always go back. Let me see if I get this straight. In a world torn apart by war unending, in a time of fear and conquest,

and while an innocent dungeon master recovers from a novel coronavirus, the dragon friends have managed to leave the front lines of a war they are charged with ending, travel half a day's ride back towards High Command, and then assassinated the second in command of the side of the war that they are nominally on in full view of Lord Ambrose Ravenloft, Barovian Peer and Marshal of the Great War. They've rolled very well. I ask you this.

I really tried. I tried to do that bullshit you do where they roll really well. I'm like, oh, you get to hurt. But they rolled like a maths 24 times or something, so I had to turn to fucking atoms. I want to believe you, Ben, but it does so much damage to your

credibility when you seem to be appearing you appear to be eating a roll-up while talking to me. Well, in fairness, it's a month-old bag of candy that I found under the table. And what about the rest of you? Do any of you have anything to say for yourselves? I rolled really, really well. I rolled

a D20. You've killed... The candy's actually surprisingly fresh. You've killed a member of the High Command. Fine, whatever. He was bad, he coded. Yeah, he was coded bad. Yeah, obviously he was a bad dude.

His name was Dyatlov. We've got just... It's Alex and I up here, and then everyone down there just gives off real big divorce dad energy. Just eating candy. This is a podcast where a bunch of men review old candy. I think the consistency of this after a month in the bag is very chewy.

Michael, that's freedom of good home in a couple of decades if we keep doing it. I do wonder about that, Ben, though, because I did listen to the last episode. And you chew through most of the combat, often while talking, and sometimes you take a big bite of something directly after someone asks you a question. Do you know what that is, David? It's a very good stalling tactic because it helps me to think. It gives me time.

All right, so what little has been built so far of Castle Ravenloft includes a small smattering of military buildings, including Ravenloft's personal quarters and a small fortified military jail, a jail that we now find the five of you, the dragon friends, in. A small, narrow cell lined with pallets. Fifteen feet

by seven feet. What's a foot? You see the moment that Commissar Dyatlov perished, the guards were on you. Your judgement has been summary. Your execution fast-tracked. At midnight tonight, the dragon friends die. No, I don't like this.

This seems unfair. Dave, Dave. What did you do while I was away? Don't punish us for Ben's mistakes. You murdered somebody in front of heaps of guys. He was going to murder us. No, you were painting a portrait. No, we were making a sculpture. No, we were making a

sculpture. And delivering a message. The year is 127-4, Reckoning. The great war between Barovia and Carcosa is waged on and on. Your cold cell engines are already collapsing under the weight of total war, and you have been sent on a mission to High Command to deliver a message.

Instead, you have executed, assassinated even, a member of that high command. Of our team. Of your team. So you killed someone on our team. No, no, no, no, no, no. And I wasn't even here.

You weren't even here to get a horrible little stiffy about it. And now we're all locked up and we're about to be executed at midnight tonight. At midnight tonight. Dave, what's in the room? The five of you will be executed. And I say five of you because again, in a very short space of time,

they have also adopted slash kidnapped a strange old man swaddled in a doona. Is that right, Ben? Oh, the sleepy wizard. Burrito wizard. Who you call Mr. Burrito, yes.

Found outside the scene of the crime, he's in the cell with you two muttering pleasantly to himself, blanket wrapped and blank and wrapped. You seem pretty cheery. Oh, well, can't be upset when you're wrapped in a doona. Ah, what you got there at dinner? That's cool, isn't it? I am snug as the back in the rug.

It is late. No one has seen you come since you were delivered a frankly underwhelming last meal. You hear a cough and you look up to see a tall, graying man standing outside the cell with a neat beard and spectacles. His wide-brimmed hat and narrow stole mark him out as a priest of Pelor. He looks at you and frowns. You should be asleep. You're not the boss of us. We're getting executed in a couple of hours. I would be asleep.

Perhaps you'd like to make your peace with Palor. Well, I'd do that while I'm awake. I wouldn't do that in my dreams, would I? Also, I don't sleep. Yeah, you do. I do now, don't I? Yeah. Curse this weak human body. Well, it doesn't usually go like this when I sort of deliver the last rites.

People are, I mean, the people are cross. You started with you should be asleep? Well, usually people are asleep, so I can go... Wake up. Wake up. You should be asleep. I'm a real prick. What's your name?

You can call me Father. What's your name, though? Well, my name is Father Agrias, if that's... Agrias? Yeah, Father Agrias. What's your story, Agrias? Do you have keys to this place? Do I have what?

Do you have keys to this place? He doesn't seem to have any keys. All he has is a holy book on him, and as I said said, the wide brimmed hat. You have people who care about you, right? I'll tell you what I do have. And he sits backwards on a chair. Oh no. Is it a story? A story about a crazy guy who used to ruffle a lot of feathers by the name

of Paylaw. But Father Agrias, you're someone who the Church of Paylaw loves? The Church of Paylaw loves all life and light. Yeah, but you're high up in there, right? How many sons are you raising?

Sorry, are you asking me... I'm asking you if you were in danger, people come for you or they... Are you asking me if a cleric who's been sent to this backwater camp to tend to people giving them their last rites is thriving in the church? I'm asking if you're hostage. Yeah, I know what you're asking. And he takes a very deliberate step back from the bars that separate you.

Oh, great. You've got some beef with the church, sound like. No, no. Sound like some other guy's trying to keep you down. I mean, you're a good priest. You work hard. You tell good stories. You wake people up. You sit back with your own chair. Yeah, well that's You should be much higher. I've seen

some real blowhard priests come to be much higher level than you. Yeah. What are you, a cardinal yet? At your age you should be a cardinal. Surely. Look, I've come here with a simple message and that's embrace the light of pale or before you embrace the darkness tomorrow.

All right. What does it mean to you? What do you give us if we do it? What? If I convert now to Paylor. Do you understand what's happening? He's here for your confession so that you might be absolved. Oh, okay.

Do you want to hear everything I've done? All right. I've killed a lot of people. Uh-huh. And a lot of non-humans as well. Even animals I've killed a lot of people. Uh-huh. And a lot of non-humans as well. Just a lot. Even animals I've killed. Does that feel good to say?

Well, it felt better to do it, obviously. You know what I mean? Are you... If I tell you everything, I get to go free. Is that how... Don't look at me. I'm not there. He's a priest.

Presumably he knows what to do. And he looks at you and says, technically, but having met you now and hearing you say that, it feels like this is something of a loophole. Okay, well... But, but, but... I killed a lot of commoners.

But the only way that... Don't call them that. Oh, sorry. The only way that this works is if you actually repent in your heart I assume this is basic Catholicism all right no I'll repent in my heart can I go do you yeah well how you gonna prove if I did or didn't well pay low knows well is he real are you asking me I Paylaw's real? Oh, fuck this! And then he leaves. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I have something.

I don't know what you did to make Father O'Greer's cry. This is a new figure. He's come in in a junior commissar's outfit. I don't know what you did to make Father O'Greer's cry, but it speaks poorly of your souls. You understand this is your last chance, right? He, um... It became clear that he did not have the ear

of Lord Ravenloft. No, he's a priest. He was doing you a favour. What is wrong with all of you? Do you have the ear of Lord Ravenloft? I have something to confess. I'm not the priest! I feel like our wires are getting crossed.

Who are you then? I have something to confess too. Yeah, I'm ready. Okay, go for it. Wait, what do you do? No, just tell me what you want to confess. Wait, do you know Paylor though? Because I'm not going to confess to someone who's not talking to God.

I come... My name, my name, my name. I feel like we got off on the wrong... Do you have a job? Yes. Of course I have a job. What is it then? And Duna Face is like,

what do you do when you wake up in the morning? What does that look like? I'm second brother, junior commissar, Bluedoff Rudney. Sorry, was that you misspeaking or was that your name? Bluedoff Rudney Rudney, yes. Bluedoff Rudney. My mother's name was Rudney and my father's name was Rudney.

Not related. They got married. It sounds a lot like they were. And people often make that mistake. So I'm just jumping in now. Even if you're not related, if you've got the same last name as someone, maybe just don't take the risk.

Complete coincidence. I have an ancestry.com thing I'll show you. I actually keep it on me at all times. Unrelated. Unrelated.

But they wanted to do the double barreled thing and so. It's like, you know, in Iceland, if you go to a bar and you try and hit on

someone, you have to like check in on an app to make sure you're not actually related to each other because it's such a small population Rodney over here gets it Like three people in the audience just solemnly

said yep Yep! And then they ate some pickled herring Pull it off What is your job? I come with instructions from the commissariat. Doesn't sound like a job to me. That's a task.

Sorry. That's a freaking task, dude. And like, what? A job is something that you'd interview for. Nobody does a task interview. Okay, look. It feels to me like you're doing it, like it's just, you know, it's just paying the bills for you. Interview what? Nobody does a task interview. Okay, look. Obviously, look, look. It feels to me like you're doing,

like it's just, you know, it's just paying the bills for you. He's quite flustered and he polishes, he's sort of neurotically polishing his brevet pin, which is on his peaked cap. And he's like, okay, look. Which by the way, unfortunately we established a rule on Dutch last month.

I know. He was wearing a peaked Von Dutch cap with a brevet pin on it. Just say Von Dutch cap. Yeah, they don't make fezzes. Yet. I know. He was wearing a peaked Von Dutch cap with a Brevin pin on it. Just say Von Dutch cap. A peaked cap. They don't make fezzes. Yet. A trucker cap from 2006.

You don't even understand what you've done. You have killed the Lord Commissar himself, the second in command of the Great War. But you know he was undermining the Lord Ravenloft. The only reason is because he was standing in the way of truth. To speak ill of the commissariat is to speak ill of the heart, of the morale of the people of Barovia. Are you a dissident? Are you a traitor? No, I'm from HR.

Sometimes it takes an outside voice, an outside eye, to see what's really wrong with an organisation. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Are you trying to undercover boss this? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't the five of you pick one person to speak for you? Phil, do you want to take it? Me pick me, okay.

All right. He pulls out a sort of ruffled piece of paper. He says, as I said, when I was given this task by my job that pays very well... Let me ask you a question. What bennies you get? I am talking... Excuse me, I am the one talking. I'm just the one asking.

Filch, is it Filch? Yeah. I have one question. If you came here under instructions, if you are working for the Cacos and Dogs, if you are working for the Kakos and Dogs, if you have anything that you can give me, I may yet be able to entreat Ravenloft to grant clemency. He has been known to do it. He sometimes will spare the lives of those who will work with the commissariat.

But you need to tell me who sent you and why you were assassinating senior leaders in the movement. Let me ask you a question, Bluthoff. You were junior commissariat when you woke up this morning. One of the senior commissary guys got javelin through the heart. But that's true, yes. We all had rapid promotion this morning. Yeah, how'd that feel, Bluthoff? How'd that feel, little buddy? I poked him through the hole in the... Please don't, I'm quite ticklish.

Does that feel good? You woke up and told your brother, sister, mum, dad. Mum, dad, auntie, uncle, I got a promotion today. Well, I may have sent a short letter off, it's true. Yes, it's true. I was working in morale in the stables and now I'm here. Filch, can I tap in for a second? Absolutely.

My good associate, friend Frizo, is going to tap in right now. We do this a lot. It's very organised. Bluthoff, how many people would we have to kill for you to be the king? We see promise in you, dude I look at you and I see a lot of potential Make a persuasion check That is, oh, it's pretty good

Persuasion's pretty good That's 21 Matt's 21, Dave No, this is a no obligation answer Just answer the question Just give us a number I mean, too many, obviously. You would need to kill, well, the officership of the seven.

That's the seven high-ranking commissars that work underneath the Warmaster. You would then need to, I suppose, get the first brevet command. What, eight? Oh, also, he has a second in command, too. Nine. Plus the Walmart. Also, this is weird, but they have also like a designated survivor because they've had some strange problems in the past just like that.

They keep him in a bunker. Okay, so it's like 11 people and then we've got to go to a bunker in Arizona or something and kill like the Minister for Agriculture. Yeah, but I don't know why we're talking about this. This is crazy. This is crazy. You're being executed tonight. I'm happy to send a message to Lord Ravenloft if you have something to say.

We came at the behest of Commissar Borov. Borov. Borov. Borov, we're from your side, man. The attack on the Eastern Front will fail. That's what I remember of it anyway. Is that coming across cogently? That is the opposite of what it is.

Oh, wait, it's coming back to me. That is the opposite. You are holding a piece of paper that says what's written on it. No, because he has it. Lord Ravenloft has the piece of paper. He's read the message. He knows the information. So you have nothing new to say? Just look.

I think what's going to clear all of this up is a few nice drinks in the morning. Okay, not in the afternoon. Okay, look. You've got... Ravenloft has the body of Petrina, right? What's he doing with it? Nothing. Give it back.

That is a strategic military asset. Lord Ravenloft is wiser than anyone here and if he says that we cannot hand it over, we will not hand it over. Well, have you asked him to hand it over? Again, I worked in the stables until this morning. And this is your time to rise, to make a difference.

Confront Ravenloft. Take the power for yourself. We only have to kill 11 people. Make a persuasion check for me. Okay. DC 25. Can I get... Can I have advantage?

You are doing it. No, you're doing it. Okay, here we go. 25. I've got plus two, so let's see how this goes. Oh, 19. I may do it. I'm so much better persuasion than you. Sad face.

If you have nothing to say to a priest who came here willingly or a junior officer who came here by duty, then you have nothing left to say. May whatever gods you worship have mercy on your souls for the damage that you have done to this war. And with that, he takes

his little peaked cap, clicks his heels, and he walks away. Think about it! Filch calls out after him. Mr. Burrito! Did you have some dust in your throat then? I did. I was eating some lollies that I found in this cell.

Whoever was held here last had some wonderful... Do you have... Scoop and weigh. this cell. Whoever was held here last had some wonderful wonderful scoop and weigh. They scooped and they weighed. Do you have in your person any tools we could use to break out of this cell or are you as bereft of items as the rest of us?

Any magics? Escaping magics? I am but I am but a practitioner of a very specific kind of magic Okay, Bastogne takes his top off We didn't even find out what the specific kind of magic was Go on And then he goes into the corner

And, wait, first, before I do this Does anyone have like a stick? Like just a short length of stick? Did they confiscate our weapons? They did confiscate your weapons. I hate how they do that. What about, is there a bed that I can break? There are.

There are narrow pallets on the side of the wall. Oh, you're going to Shanghai Noon this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to go. I've not seen Shanghai Noon. I'm going to pee on my top, all right? And then I'm going to tie the top between the two bars, place a stick between it, and twist it.

And wind it. Wind it around. Now, the liquid enhances the strength. This is very not Bastogne, but he's having a flash of genius or something. From a Jackie Chan film. And you twist it around, because he saw it in a Jackie Chan film.

And that makes the bars go together, making a space in the bars. Now, as someone who's watched a lot of Jackie Chan films, I know... Friso. Well, no, this is just me talking as Michael Hing now. Yeah, I mean, Friso is Chinese now. Yeah.

Possibly. Maybe. Possibly, maybe. Potentially. Dave, what we don't know about Bastogne is what material his cloak is made out of. Lycra. What material is it? Because you knowne is what material his cloak is made out of. Lycra. What material is it?

Because you know what type of material it needs to be. I know what type of material it needs to be. It's silk. He's correct. I like the feel against my nipples. No, I think that makes sense. It's like a nice raw silk, right? Yeah, yeah It broadly checks out

So you take off your silk top, piss on it Does he need to do something for pissing? Do we all need to piss on it? I don't need to make a roll to piss Do you sometimes go into the bathroom, Ben, try to piss and fail? Well, if I'm in prison and I'm very stressed, maybe. All right, let's get it. Oh, maybe it's a performance check.

I think that's what it is. Oh, God. Oh, performance. What was your last meal? That might impact it. Gazpacho. It was probably that meal that they had at the barracks. Skittles.

Oh, I'm very dry. I've only been eating Skittles. I've sucked all the water out of Skittles. Performance? Oh yeah, 16. Okay, great. I'm peeing like a champ. Don't cheer that. La la la la la la la. Alright, wonderful. Now you've pissed. That was Ben's request,

but you're still going to need to move one for me, which is unfortunately a strength check. Oh. You still need to wind it tight. With my athletics. Yeah, you can use your athletics for this. Okay, here we go. Oh. You still need to wind it tight. With my athletics. Yeah, you can use your athletics for this. Okay, here we go. Ooh. 13? Can we assist?

I mean, we're all there. You can assist. Tell me what that looks like. I don't know. And I will consider it. Baston is holding a piss-soaked silk shirt. What does Friso assisting? Well, there's a lever.

Twist the stick. I've got a lever. There's a stick. Everyone can put their back into it. I can also piss on Bastogne? You've not been stung by a jellyfish. Is that what we need, Dave? No, I'll help twist.

I'll take the other end of the bed rod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. You have time. No one's watching. You can have advantage. Okay. I failed that one.

And what's Filch doing right now? Oh, 15. 15. What's Filch doing? Yeah, you're quite strong. The that one. And what's Filch doing right now? Oh, 15. 15. What's Filch doing? Yeah, you're quite strong. The strongest one. Filch is rattling a little stick up and down the chains of the bars. Singing old blues songs.

Yelling, I get job, my friends. Oh, yeah, old blues songs. I got the stuck in prison, gonna be executed for killing a guy. Blues. All right. On a 15, Baston, you are able to... And Duneface is like... Sorry, I thought we were scatting.

Can you imagine if Johnny Cash, when he went to Folsom Prison or St. Quentin or whatever to do his show, he was like, hello, everybody. Scoop a bitty bar. A scoopity-bump it. All right. 15 is not enough to completely bend it so that you can all get through. Damn it.

But you are able to bend one of the bars such that a small creature or person could get through. Like, say, a halfling. All right. Do I need to, do I just spit right through? As long as you're happy to just, yep.

The piss soaked bars allow you to glide through. But without touching, right? No, you get a little piss on you. Sorry bud. Hey, what's a little piss between friends?

That's what they say. That's what they say. It would be a lot less awkward for him if you stopped trying to buck him up about it. It's just a little piss. friends. That's what they say. It would be a lot less awkward for him if you stopped trying to buck him up about it. It's just a little pissed. It doesn't... Oh, look.

Oh, it is on your pants, though. It looks like you pissed. Oh, it went right on my crotch. Like, what are the chances? This is terrible. Is there, like, a key hanging on a hook somewhere? Should I do a perception check? No, it's not a junior escape room.

There is a... Wow, that is the derision from a guy who has done a lot of escape rooms. Yes. A lot of senior escape rooms. It is... Yeah, maybe I get out a UV light and see if the code's written on the wall. Nice Fibonacci sequence, Junior. You all joke,

but I have a system. So, no, Simon, there are two levels of narrow cells, much like the one that you are. There is a long walkway. There is a catwalk high above it and there is a locked door on the end.

All the other cells seem to be empty but other than that locked door out you have made your way into the corridor. Okay. The catwalk above you as well seems to have doors. Okay. But it's high. Be careful, Bobby.

You don't want anyone to see you looking like you've pissed yourself. I'm going to try and pick the lock to that door. Okay, so you... Wait, so you have a lock pick? Yeah, I've got it inside my cheek. Oh, I think you've said that pick the lock to that door. Okay, so you... Wait, so you have a lockpick? Yeah, I've got it inside my cheek. Oh, I think you've said that before. All right, great.

So you... Yes, I have, haven't I? You pull the lockpick out from your teeth. Now, this is just one lockpick. So if you fail by more than five, you are going to break it. It is a DC-16 lock. Okay.

You can roll it. You got these tools? You have your thieves tools? Is that sleight of hand? It's your expertise. So yeah, just use your stealth roll. It's the same. Yeah.

You get a plus 13. That's a 23. Ooh! Like a glove. Click, click, and the door opens and swings slowly open where you can see a stool and a figure of another guard with their back to you, sitting in front of a desk, reading a book. Okay, I'm going to use Legitiman.

Can I see keys hanging from his... There are actually keys on the desk to his side. Okay, I'm going to use Legitiman. I don't know why I said that. Mage Hand? keys on the desk to his side. Okay, I'm going to use le jet de main. I don't know why I said that. Made hand and le jet de main. Invisible made hand to grab that. Is that a stealth check?

It's a little sleight of hand check. Okay, that's 20. Math's 20. Alright, you slip the keys off the desk as he sort of starts and turns around for a second as if he feels something is askew. And then he goes back to his book as you sneak out of the room

and you're back into the corridor. What's he reading, Dave? It's a... What is he reading? It's Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. I love that book. He's reading... Well, he does too.

He's engrossed. He's reading Jonathan Franzen's... Yeah, and he has a copy of David Sedaris' Santa Land Diaries next to him. And just a stack... He's listening to This American Life. As you sneak back into the corridor, you can click the door open if you want. Yeah, I'll open the door and let the guys out. I'm holding the keys very tightly so they don't jangle.

All right, Bobby comes back and opens the doors. So, Burrito Man, Mr. Burrito. Are we just talking loudly as we exit the jail? Anyway! Tuk-duk-duk. All right, now we're out of there. Let's chat. Let's rap.

Okay, I guess we should be stealthy. Burrito Man, you talking to Burrito Man? Yeah, Mr. Burrito, if that is your real name. No, names are a funny puzzle, but it is not the name I was given at birth. Or the name I was given... birth. Or the name I was given... Hey, maybe keep it down. This is strangely lucid for him, by the way. He has mostly

been muttering to himself. But it is a name that I have been given by you and I like it. It fits for I am wrapped like a tasty and comfy burrito. Hey, what if I said to you in the name of the sound? Mmm, very like.

And he says, and the sound of the name. Oh, Mr. Burrito? What is your original name, Mr. Burrito? Ah, many call me Elder Tenant. Uh-huh.

Some call me Doona Face, recently. And many will come to call me the one who gets away. Okay, this... Wait, is that after you've just escaped this jail? I see many things! What's interesting is trying to, from a playing perspective, this is a tip for new players, when you're playing with Ben, what you have to do

is learn the different facial expressions because he has a facial expression for improvising and it's a very similar facial expression to his facial expression for remembering. And so it's hard to tell from those if any of those were relevant to the storyline that Dave had written or if they were just bullshit Dave was coming. But I think Duna face feels relevant. Do you think that's the thing we're meant to take away from it?

I think so. I feel like the sound of the name seemed to try and give us... You know, because there's another face that Ben does, which is like, you fucking idiot. Where he kind of looks really at you. Normally I would be upset at metagaming, but this is so fucking off the wall crazy bullshit. No, but doona face.

Doona face. We have a doona. Let's face our enemy. Let's smother his face in the duna before he can signal the alarm. Give us your duna. So let's unwrap this guy. Duna face his face to the duna. Duna to the face. This is delicious.

There's a guard outside the door there with his back to us. We'll sneak up behind him. Smother him. Break his neck. Just muffle him. I guess, what is more muffled

than a broken neck? Okay, done. Solved. He slammed the book onto his nose so that hurts him as well. Yeah. Are you sneaking in?

And then we go from there. Make an improvised weapon sneak attack if you want. Okay. You're leading, I imagine. You can do this

with two people, I think, because one person on each side just to kind of grapple and... You can. We'll come in after you. You might want to go in first because you're sneakier. Okay. All right.

That's a 16. For your stealth, all right, he rolls a 14 for his perception, so you get behind him. And I just want to say, at this moment, he is currently filling out a pledge drive slip that he's going to give to a raven. Wait, one off or monthly? It's going to be monthly, so he's going to get the tote

and he's going to get a bunch of other goodies. He's attaching it to an NPR pigeon? Yeah, an NPR pigeon that's going to fly away. The pigeon turns around and it looks at Bobby and Bobby puts his finger to his lips. Wonderful. Okay. So you're in.

You can make it quickly. A sneak attack. Okay. Oh, that's a natural 20. Don't worry, Bobby. You dive before he can say anything. He's muffled. He goes down.

Pigeon feathers go everywhere as you effortlessly and efficiently tie him up in the doona. The rest of you can walk into the room if you want. I'll be taking that Jonathan Franzen novel. Thank you very much. All right, so you take the Franzen novel. You have the keys. Write it down.

You have it. Does anybody else want anything? He obviously has a sword. Is he listening to This American Life on an iPod? Or what is that? Do you have one? Yeah. Okay. Is it a parrot trained to do the voice of Ira Glass?

It's a parrot trained to do the voice of Ira Glass. What's it sound like, Dave? I kill the parrot. Wait, wait, wait. We don't need to hear that. The parrot's trained to do the voice of Gilbert Gottfried doing an impression of Ira Glass. Okay, show me.

Our story today in three acts. May he rest in peace, that wonderful man. So, you kill the parrot, you get the keys. That is what the Flintstones would do, isn't it? If they were around today and Fred had a favourite podcast it would have a collection of birds that knew

the podcast and he'd be listening to it. I don't think they had birds in the question. They had fucking birds! Hey, here, newsflash, dinosaurs are birds. Jesus Christ! Whoa! Do you know this is the sort of shit we didn't have to do last month?

Wake up. We're in a bird. Wake up. I'm sorry, guys. I lost my cool for a second there. I was trying to think of a bit to do with... Jonathan Franzen bit. Yeah.

Is this... Before I... I mean, there's no point in doing it now, but can I fact check something? Sure. Is he the one who thought Natalie Portman was in... No, that was Jonathan Safran Foer. Good thing I didn't step into that faux pas.

Yeah, that would have required a correction. And now everything is illuminated. Guys. This doesn't make people like you. Alex, where did that come from? There's steam in my heart. Where did that come from? The steep in my heart? Where did that come from? I don't mean to be rude, and I do think that doing this game every month

with my friends is a blessing. I missed it last month when I didn't get to. I'm back here now. We are trying to execute a daring prison break and I just feel like each and every one of you is trying to fuck it up for me.

You're right, Dave. I'm sorry. I take the man's sword and slit his throat. That's a 16. He's tied down, restrained and helpless. The last thing he sees is you standing in front of him with the sword his father gave him and he dies. Congratulations. That was for Natalie Portman.

And he's like, you're confused. Now, you don't know how long the patrols are. This has taken a couple of minutes. There is blood all over the ground, all over the corpse, all over the dead parrot, all over Friso. Everybody, under the doona, where are bloody scary ghosts? There are doors leading further out if you want to continue. Guys, guys, this feels silly.

I think in a world, I mean, look, Dave's going to assess how this goes, but if I could just have my two cents. In a world where ghosts are real, I don't know that they actually have the trope of somebody in a sheet as a ghost. I think they would just associate that with someone under a sheet. What do you think a ghost looks like? If not that.

In this world? In any world. It's more of like a Harry Potter vibe where it's the person with the fence loosened. If not that. In this world? In any world. Oh, it's more of like a Harry Potter vibe where it's the person with the fence loosened. Oh, it's a spectre of an individual. But let's see how it goes! Okay, a patrol comes. Oh. You can hear footsteps

coming down the corridor. The only way that looks like you were able to escape. You've taken too long fucking around as per usual. Oh. This seems unfair. How? How the fuck is this unfair? What have I done that you don't think is fair?

I would try to talk to the burrito man, but it was nonsense. Should we just charge them? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, as the bloody ghost? As the bloody ghost. Bloody ghost. Bloody ghost. Bloody ghost.

Okay, all of you are covering yourselves. Is it a combined strength test? First of all, so it's a blood-soaked blanket. You coat yourselves in it. You charge for the door without looking, all running as fast as you can. No, we've aimed ourselves in the right direction. Yeah.

There's no eye holes in this blanket. Yeah, but we've like looked, put it down, straight line. It's a narrow corridor. We've established that. Unless they have spears. I'm just randomizing. In which case. Okay, great.

Wonderful. So you charge through. You can make with advantage a strength check. Because this is your idea, Bobby, you can make the roll. Okay. Oh, you suck at strength, though, brah. Oh, no, I'll be charitable. Does this count as a surprise attack as well?

It's quite. It's pretty. I'll be charitable. Does this count as a surprise attack as well? It's quite a surprise attack. It's pretty surprising. I mean, I can't tell a second. We're not expecting it. So that's strength. That's a 19. All right, you barrel through, and you feel as if a solid weight,

as if there was someone walking towards the door, and you have knocked them down. You can feel sand under your feet. You can feel the air through the doona. It looks like you are outside and you have escaped the confines of the jail. Suck that, Dave. Yeah, Dave, suck on that.

Dave, I mean, thank you for that, Dave. Okay, keep going. Keep going, keep running. You want to take the blanket off? Bobby's going to have a look. Are we going to run into the beach? Are we going to run into the water? What's the deal with the sand? Bobby want to take the blanket off? Bobby's going to have a look. Are we going to run into the beach? Are we going to run into the water?

What's it do with the sand? Bobby, you take the blanket and you look out. And the first thing you see sprawled in front of you is indeed a sergeant of the Barovian Army. Sprawled, looking up at you, dazed and confused. As your eyes focus, you realise that you are not outside the building but in a courtyard the sand has been finally laid out and there is a podium with space for five to stand on and opposing that a narrow embankment on which are four trained barovian sharpshooters each wearing hoods with a sergeant and a sword and beside him him, crossing himself, looking despondently at you, the figure of Father O'Greers.

Does the guy on the floor have a weapon? No. You do, but he doesn't. But there are four sharpshooters aimed at all of you. Wait, what weapon do I have? Well, you have the key, sorry. You have the sword. Oh, right, okay. I step out from under the blood-soaked doona, and I yell out,

I'm back from the dead! Try and kill me again! I dare you! Oh, no! But it's the Lord Ravenloft is there? No, he didn't say that. So you've broken in It was Father Agrias

It was Father Agrias Okay No, no, no I mean he's already done it Father Agrias Yeah And I go No, no, no

Father Agrias I just killed a man back there And Agrias like Like 30 seconds ago Yeah And he takes out like a thing And adds it to the list. He was harmless.

And I killed him to get out. And I'm just letting you know that now because I'm confessing and we'll be on our way. And Father Greer's just like, you know, I've never said this once in my entire career but could we please get this over with? And with that, the clock strikes the 12th hour.

The dragon friends have delivered themselves to the execution chamber, which has been waiting on them. Along the way, they have found the chance and time and opportunity to kill a man whose only crime was trying to support independent public radio, found a sword, some keys, and a Jonathan Franzen novel, and are ready, with priest at hand and sharpshooter's bow in arm, to face their greatest adventure yet, dying and being executed 800 years in the past

for a bullshit reason that is basically their fault. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hinn. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cady. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, Thank you. exclusive content every other week. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry, don't worry, because that's what time travels for.

You can always go back and try again. And if you go back and kill your friends, you can always go back an extra few seconds. You can always go back. Neither few seconds You can always go back Neither of us were here last time. Yeah, I didn't have COVID. I just have a job. Why does that sound so judgmental?

I don't know, Dave. Because it is, Dave. Yeah, it's pretty judgmental. I have a job. Oh, you're just talking about Dave. Yeah, I was talking about Dave. Fair enough. Dave, what's your job?

Well, I have a job. Dungeon master. Full-time dungeon master. People who have jobs don't say, I have a job. They just say what the job is. I have a job.

What's your job, Dave? What is it, Dave? If you've got a job, name it. I'm a producer. Don't laugh. It's a real thing. On my own personal

OnlyFans account. I'm still stuck on what Eden does all day. I think Eden's one of those people who like, if I saw, I once saw, I once ran into, which you recently did too, I once ran into Sam Campbell and Aaron Chen just on the street. This was years ago, but I still remember this.

And they were both holding like in each hand soft serve ice creams. They each had two. They each had two. And they're like, oh hi Ben. I was like, hey fellas, not a Mr. Yippie Van in sight either. And I realised

about those people which I now realise about Eden, if I ran into them doing basically anything during business hours I'd be like, okay.

Another friend bumped into the same guy, Sam Campbell and he just had two big grocery bags and they had like six or seven gaming laptops in each one.

Like high-spec laptops. I saw him yesterday on the street while I was with my three-year-old son, and it was a pretty normal interaction, except that he insisted on addressing my three-year-old as boy very loudly. But other than that, totally normal.