Dragon Friends - #8.08. The Murder of Garry

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

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By the way, I just saw Demi in the bar before and she was saying that currently my hair looks like the bad guy in an 80s rom-com that she has to leave at the altar for the cool schlub. Looks like I'm getting married! But don't worry, don't worry, cause that's what time travels for. You can always go back and try again. And if you go back and kill your friends, you can always go back and introduce us. You can always go back and kill your friends. Death to all traitors, such is the pronouncement handed on high by those who serve the Marshal of the Great War himself, Ambrose Ravenloft. The penalty for sedition, immorality, and betrayal is to be shot four times through the head by expert marksmen until you are dead. What happens if you survive the four? Then you go in your merry way.

What are the shoot spots there? Through the head. The four spots. Eye. Eye. And then holding up a smiley face. Like anchor points, you know? It's like...

So you have to smile? If don't it hurts more but if you do this it makes it harder for them if they do what a bullseye the penalty is death shot through the head shot through the head shot through the head and then shot through the head in the name of barovia, a new nation proud, a new nation born out of suffering, a new nation born out of a war with Netheril that it finally won, that now finds itself in a war with Carcosa. Oh, I see what you did there with the truth. That it must win yet to survive.

The dragon friends have been surrounded, their blanket taken from them cruelly, and they have been dragged to the podium that marks their execution, each of them standing on a bloodstain. That is all that is left of some poor fool that crossed Ambrose Ravenloft. Your hands are chained, your legs are chained, you are chained together as a sergeant wearing a mask as black as the mask of his foremarksman lifts his sword on high and announces the five of you are summoned

here under the light of Pelor to answer for your crimes. The murder of Commissar Percival Dyatlov in cold blood and the murder of Gary, who did nothing wrong and likes podcasts. These murders were...

I'm sorry, I hadn't planned that one. I'd written the other one, obviously, because I had time, but I didn't think you'd do a murder between when I finished writing this and now. So, sorry to Gary. That's a little rushed. The murder was witnessed. Your pleas are irrelevant. If any should speak up for these four doomed souls, let them speak now.

And he turns and looks at Junior Commissar Bludoff Rudney Rudney, who shakes his head sternly. So be it. Marksman and the four pick up their heavy crossbows and point them. Ready? Ready?

And the air is still. Aim. What? I have a confession. That's not what we're doing now. Well, you all stopped though, didn't you? So theatrical. Yeah, the priest is looking at you and he puts up a finger

and cowed by religious fervour, they all take a second. This is all my fault. This whole thing. For I am the father of Byron in Treval. And my son is a very naughty boy. Look, I wasn't there to raise him. You know, I was asleep the whole time. 25 years and then I came back and I did my best to shape him in my image. But then I went to sleep again and slept through the rest of it.

Okay, you're losing them. Okay, but then, look, yes, did he kill Strahd and his brother, Sergei and Irina Kolyanot? Yes. Is it my fault? Yes. Was it your sword? Yes, it was my sword.

I even gave him the sword. Take my life and spare my friends. For I am the one who deserves to be punished wait I second this motion and um father agrees in his capacity as I guess confessor at this point, says, I'm sure you did the best you could. I did. But it wasn't good enough. For that, I should be punished.

And Ogria's is kind of like, not quite sure. He's looking to the commissar to see if, do we relay this message? And the commissar, who has a small gnomish earpiece with a wire leading up to a building

beside him is listening to the earpiece and is talking into it and he looks and he sadly it seems shakes his head What if we told you some other stuff he did? Like we've got a whole bunch of stuff that Baston did.

So we could really just... We could put it all on him. You know? Like what? What do you mean? Oh, what's he done? Actually, mostly it's been me, hasn't it? Yeah. Has he done anything bad?

He's pretty noble. While this is happening, can you... Bobby, can you make a perception check with me because of your pretty natural lupine hearing? It's a hot eight, Dave. Okay, cool. So none of you noticed at that point that there is a drop in the air pressure.

Anything else you wanted to say? God. I mean, I... Is there any... Can we negotiate out of this at all, Father Orin? Are we going real? Well, I mean, it would be... A good negotiation start is getting the name of the person you're bargaining with.

This is an embarrassing moment for you, Friso. And it's not very often that I throw you a lifeline. But at that moment, there is a huge explosion to the east. And a wave cloud of dust flies over as everybody is rocked off their feet. Including all of you. Including you, Bobby, who didn't hear the drop in pressure. So all of you quickly make for me a dexterity save. DC 13.

I will make it for the guards now. Pass. Can you make it for Rhiannon as well? That's a hot one, save. DC 13. I will make it for the guards now. Pass. Can you make it for Rhiannon as well? That's a hot one, baby. Hot one, two. Oh, double ones. Double ones. Snake eyes.

I got an 11. I'm lucky. I get to roll again. Sorry. That's a three. Okay, great. I passed. Everybody, okay.

So, bizarrely, Baston manages to stay to his feet as all of the other dragon friends fall off the podium but he's chained to them so his moment of triumph is ultimately meaningless. Does he have a second though of composure? He sees, yeah, for a second. So he sees at this moment Father Ogria's

the two of them lock eyes and Ogria says keep watching me, Baston. Okay. Okay. All right. Whoa. So there's a moment. And does he do anything else?

Yeah, he pulls out two crossbows. Okay. From his hat. Crossbows. Like small ones, right? Small hand crossbows. And he takes out, I don't know, as much of the firing squad as he can. Which would be two.

Yep. No, unless he can kind of like kebab them. Yeah, no, okay. No, sure. He just blam blams them. So, Bastogne, as the chain, the slack of the chain is disappearing, as all of your friends fall behind the podium, you see suddenly the figure of the priest mouth something to you,

pull out two hand crossbows and shoot the sergeant and one of the marksmen dead. And the last thing you see before your eyes go up and the chain falls over to the side is he pulls from underneath his habit in the sand a huge canvas-wrapped parcel and slides it down across the dirt in front of all of you. You are on the ground, and at that moment, the wave of dust covers the courtyard, obscuring

everyone's vision. You are all now blind and we go into initiative order, which means that Bastogne, you actually go first. So I'm chained to them. You are chained to them. We're all chained together. You have five foot slack between all of you. Can I, okay, I want to start crawling towards the package. Okay,

great. Come on, we've got mail! Make the, you sort of know where Come on, we've got mail. You sort of know where it was. Make an athletics check for me. Okay, you lurch yourself forward. Bobby, you're on the ground as you start rolling, feeling yourself being tugged northwards, but you are also next.

That's a natural 20. Okay. Nice. Great, I don't know what you were rolling for, but congratulations. Does that make you feel know what you were rolling for but congratulations Does it make you feel good? He was rolling for winning the game I was like feeling around for the mail

Oh, okay You didn't know No, he said, boys, we've got mail He said, we've got mail Oh, great I heard a thud, presumably Excellent, alright You drag yourself forward as well

and you feel canvas in front of you because Beston has already travelled far enough, and it's tightly wrapped. Make for me a dexterity check if you want. That's a... That's a 13. A 13. All right, you start to untie it.

It's going to take another second to unwind it. Suddenly there is a figure that crashes into the side of you. It must be one of the guards who leaps forward, making an attack with disadvantage and misses you but he's scrabbling with you in the dirt. Phil, you're up next.

I'm pretty angry, Dave. Yeah? Why are you angry? Because I've got dust in my mouth and they don't taste very good. Doesn't take much. Just like those candies. Exactly.

How can I have them? You fly into a rage. We agreed you fly into a rage. And I have got... Can I get the order of me and my friends on a big rope, please? Yes, absolutely. The order is that Bastogne is tied to Bobby,

who is tied to Filch, who is tied to Friso, who is tied by a very short chain of rope to Mr. Burrito, a.k.a. Doona Face. Hello! You all have five foot slack between you. Friso has like three links. What is the weapon that I had when we did another adventure where it's things on the end of a chain?

It was incredible. A spike chain. So powerful. I am a human spike chain. Wonderful weapon. Oh, okay. I'm going to use my friends as a spike chain. Okay. Like I'm, alright, I'm like, everybody, hands over chest.

You are proficient in the weapon. They are very heavy. So make for me an athletics check. Yep, that's 21. All right. Well, that's not enough to knock everybody off their feet, but that is not enough to knock pitiful Friso. So you grab Friso and you throw him?

Well, yeah, so... Where are you throwing me, Phil? Towards the guard. So I'm like, stand up, like... And then I, like, flick. That'll be Friso and Burrito. Yeah, Friso and Burrito towards that guard. Burrito's a freebie.

He's like paper hollow bones, so... But given that he's the extent of the chain, he's going to hit first. You're going to hit first and then he's going to wrap around and get them from behind, I think, is how it's going to work. I'll probably hit you. Tag team, baby, let's go. Okay, you don't know who you're attacking. So you're attacking random shapes. No, the guard.

No, but you can't see. So make a perception check with disadvantage. Because you're blind. Oh my God, a 16 17 you see you attack you hit a guard with friso duna goes we the guard takes 12 hit points of damage friso takes nine points of damage what the everyone takes the same amount of damage. You're all hitting each other. The physics of it doesn't matter. Duneface takes seven points of damage, and you charge forward.

Phil, you can also attack. You've got a bonus. Who else can I see? You've seen this person, so you can charge them. Is he not dead yet? You can try and hit them. So I've knocked him down? You can try and hit them, I guess, with Bobby as well.

Wait, I've got the mail. Yeah, I'm going to try and wrap Bobby around his neck with my chain. Second attack. Bobby, your hand's almost having untied the canvas. Suddenly you feel the chain go, like, as you fly up into the... So I don't have a chance to, like, a saving throw to grab onto it? No, you weren't finished, unfortunately. I would have had my fingers in the... Make for me a strength saving throw.

Eight. It scatters open and you can see a luck blade moonsword. You can see the hammer. The thunders wake. You can see a scimitar of speed. You can see a magical mirror tightly wrapped in canvas. But all of them go out of your hands as you fly up into the air and hit a guard.

Don't need them. Got my friends. Friendship is the greatest weapon of all. I don't want you to be offended by this, but you are, they're medium creatures. You're a small creature, so you are going to do less damage to the guard hitting him. But I'm wrapping Bobby around his neck.

Yeah, he's restrained by Bobby, absolutely. Oh, great. What if he goes like that? Yeah, so Bobby, you get a free grapple, I'm going to say. Oh, wait, what's the moon? What? Is it night time? It's the middle of the day and you're in a dust cloud.

No, it is night time. Oh, it is night time. Oh, my God. Okay. Here's, don't. Okay. Here's... Don't boo me. Here's what we're going to do. All right.

It's a 10-day... As everybody knows, obviously, it's a 10-day cycle. Five days of... Yes. So, we're going... I didn't make a decision about this. I'm going to let you roll for it.

So, you have 3D10, and you need to roll 25 or higher. And what happens if he gets 25 or higher? Then the moon is full enough that Bobby can change. What was it? 25. No, I didn't get it. Clonks his head on the guard.

The guard takes four points of damage. It's a harvest moon. It's beautiful, but it's not potent. And you, Bobby, take eight points of damage yourself. That's Filger's go, and it is now Friso's go. Friso, all the weapons are scattered at your feet. But unfortunately... No, but I'm wrapped around the guy, right?

Yeah, the weapons are scattered out of reach, and there is a man hugging you, having the time of his life. Okay, so, but the guard who we're around... He's almost dead, yeah. He's grappled. Yeah, yeah, Bobby's on his face, like a face hugger. So I've got to bandage against him, Dave. I take the sword and I say...

There's no... His sword... Oh, you have the... I've got my sword. You do? That I stole from Gary, I think his name is. They chained you to the podium, but they let you keep the sword? Yeah, well, I probably hid it in my mouth or whatever.

Sword swallowing, Dave, sword swallowing. He's got a sword, you can take his sword. I take his sword, Dave, I'd probably hit it in my mouth or whatever. Sword swallowing, Dave, sword swallowing. He's got a sword. You can take his sword. I take his sword, Dave, and I say, Father O'Griddon, I got something else to confess. And that's a 19 plus my strength. Strength attack. Oh, it's plus zero.

Does 19 hit? Yes, 19 hits. Do I kill him? Yes. How much do you roll? What, 19? That's two hit. That's two hit. Oh, I don. Do I kill him? Yes. How much do you roll? What? 19? That's two hit. That's two hit.

Oh, I don't know how to use a sword. No, you're a spellcaster, aren't you? Okay. You take, he takes, oh, yeah, 11 points. He's dead. He's dead. Yes, cheer the death. Wait, what did Father Accretion say?

That's not his name. But it still counts that I confessed it. If you like. Okay, great. Would it be easier if I just it! If you like! Okay, great. Would it be easier if I just confessed things to Paylor directly? The sergeant and one of the other guards crashes in through. The sergeant can't find anyone. Guys, that was a great joke about the difference between catharsis and...

He's dead. The sergeant slashes wildly but misses. And as you can see, the other marksman charges towards you, pulls out a short sword and stabs Bastogne. Hits. An 18 is going to hit. Ouch! pulls out a short sword and stabs Bastogne. Hits. An 18 is going to hit. Ouch!

Does 13 points of damage to you, Bastogne. Son of a gun. And he grins as he pushes down on it, and then his eyes roll up white, and he falls in front of you with a short crossbow quarrel in his neck as you see the figure of Father O'Greers. He's reading a book who... I'm looking up my spell today.

Who is standing by the door, beckoning to all of you. Yeah. And he says to Friso, I'm going to level with you, mate. I'm not really a priest. Woo-wah-wee-wah. Guys, we've done a lot of great killing But come with me

And he dives through the doorway Bastogne, you're next Let's go, this is very exciting The doorway's 20 feet away Alright So we all run together? Wait, are we still attached to dead people? No, we're alive

We're like unwrapped around the people we were running around. I cut him right off. Because he's dead, you're fine. All right, let's go. I lead the way. So you scoop. And we pick up the package and go. Okay, scooping up the weapons is enough time for guards

that are stationed in the building around you to start firing for guards. Two shots hit. The cloud, by the way, is starting to dissipate now. One of them hits me? One of them hits a random one of you, which is one hits Bobby and one hits Bastogne. Okay, I'm going to use my deflect missile's ability

because I'm a monk. How much damage does it do, Dave? Okay, well, give me a second. It does nine points of damage to Bobby. You take nine points of damage to Bobby. It does five points of damage to you. Okay, so I rolled eight. I rolled 16, which reduces the damage to zero.

I can spend a ki point to throw it back. Okay. You grab the arrow. You throw it back. Make an attack for me. Okay, here we go. AC fourteen. I roll the one. It stabs you through the hand. That's D&D, baby. And you take five hit points of damage.

So close. So very close. The rest of you all scoop up your weapons and you follow out of the choking dust. And you can hear now the sound of guards running, rushing. But they are rushing not towards you. They are rushing to the east where the explosion was set off as you see now there is the figure of the priest who has pulled his stall aside to reveal

a roll of lockpicks and is working feverishly at an interior door so i reckon we got about three to four minutes before they figure out that was an aversion so quick sticks he's working at the door can i assist yeah make an advantage yeah you can make a, in fact, here, father, make a roll with advantage because Bobby's helping you. You roll an 11 and a 19, which means that the door clicks open. What about the door that you guys have come through because there are more people still in the courtyard?

I'll boff it closed. You'll boff it? Yes, I'll boff. Thank you. This is a podcast. Yeah, I'll use my body to boff it? Yes, I'll boff. This is a podcast. Yeah, I'll use my body to boff it closed. Wonderful. I'll boff it closed.

Okay, the door is boffed closed. You're going to try and close it. Athletiques? Is that what a boff check is? I don't know what a boff check is. Yeah, Dave, it's a boff check. It's a boff check, Dave. Do you think boffing is sleight of hand, Dave?

Does it sound like sleight of hand? It's athletics. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can use it in acrobatics as well if you'd prefer. Oh, yeah, it's not good. Did you boff badly? I don't boff so well. Okay.

Well, the door remains unboffed as another figure is trying to desperately get through. We're still in initiative order. That was Bastogne. So Bobby, you can see a figure starting to sneak through the door trying to get their hand

perched so that they can get it open. Bobby, boff the door. Please don't boff the door. Okay, I do an athletics check for the boff. That's a one.

Unlucky, so I get to roll. Unlucky, so I roll again and that's a eight. The door remains unbuffed. And O'Grease is just like, what the fuck are you two doing? We're trying to buff it.

Oh, right, right, you are. Bobby, you take another six points of damage. Oh, fuck. Phil's still singing red. The door is open. You can race down, or you can try and close the door in any way that you want that doesn't start with B. Dead? Yep.

I'm going to buff that door! Buff that door! And you said it was an athletics check, was it? I have no idea. Athletics check. Oh, yeah, that's a 16. Good. It sounds like a buff the door is buffed

and the guy that was trying to get through it I guess explodes. He dies. That's boffing rules Dave. Wait the door is boffed. The prophecy was true. And then he explodes. Anything else I should know? He just dies. We get 100 gold coins each.

He explodes and turns into gold coins. And his soul goes to hell. Sonic style. Yeah, and his soul goes to hell. Sonic style. Yeah, he explodes like Sonic. Okay, I mean... You guys know my rule, which is that I don't look things up in the player's handbook during a game.

So I'm going to look this up when I get home. And if this isn't a rule, you can't... If someone with an armacart class below, like, 15 runs into a boffed door, they explode like Sonic and then go to hell. Hey, obviously. Read the handbook, Dave. Honestly, Dave, I feel like you don't even bother

preparing for these things anymore. It's really disappointing. COVID changedbook, Dave. Honestly, Dave, I feel like you don't even bother preparing for these things anymore. It's really disappointing. COVID changed you, bro. You used to care about the rules. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. It's now my turn, Dave. Obviously, I recoup some of the gold coins. Congratulations, you get 100 gold coins.

No, 50. 50 of the coins were on the outside. Why am I arguing this? With the door boffed closed, Dave, I turn my attention to Father O'Dreary. Father O'Dreary It's not his real name. He just said he pretended,

so he really shouldn't be so precious about it. That's true. ...has raced down past the door, and you can see that there are steps cut into the stone. There is a stone plinth in front, and he's pulling what seems to be ampules, glass ampules of powders and oils, and he's quickly mixing up a sort of plasticine-like substance

in his hands, kneading it together by the door. And I have to say, these steps are strangely familiar. There is a small voice in the back of your head that is screaming at you that you've seen this before. Father Ogringo. Yeah. It seems to me that you're trying to bliff open this door.

Yeah, I'd stand back if I was you and could you boff the door on top of the stairs, please? So he's bliffing that. I'm going to boff this door. Okay, Dave? Yeah, absolutely. Do you want to make a quick intelligence check to see if you've seen this before? Yeah. Memory check or intelligence check? What's it? Yeah, I'm just making it.

Make a history check. Let's do a history check. 11 plus history is... Oh, 7? Yeah, I'm just making it. Make a history check. Let's roll a history check. 11 plus history is... Oh, 7. Fuck, I'm great at history. It's 18. Wait, what? 11 plus 7 is 18. Oh, you rolled an 11.

Okay. You have a high intelligence. No, I think I'm just good at history. He's good at history. It says plus 7. Can I see your character sheet? Obviously, Dave, there's a lot of different... Give me the character sheet! There's a lot of different fonts

on that. That's just because the app was messing up. I didn't throw it on my character sheet. I just haven't been thinking I haven't checked in on you for a while and you tend to add like 15 to 20 to any role that you... Dave's looking at the sheet going, wait a minute, this is just a crude drawing of me

trying to suck my own dick. This isn't a character sheet at all. And Dave knows it's him because he's mad. Every other member of the Dragon Friends sheets are covered in notes. We've been using these for years.

Hing's is a printout that is completely clean. That's not true. Look on the back. It's a drawing of you sucking yourself up. It just says, boinkus oinkus. I believe

I believe I believe that was the name of a precious hand that I had. But what absolutely kills me is he gets plus seven to history. Now that's a boinkus oinkus. Oh, is boinkus what they were calling me in the trenches? They were calling banknote.

No, they were calling banknote boinkus. Freezo. Banknote is now the trenches. No, we're calling Banknote. No, they were calling Banknote. Freezo. Banknote is now the ham. Got you. Sorry. You duck back up the stairs as there is a low-controlled explosion and the plinth opens, revealing a dark space beyond. And at that moment, your brain clicks as you realise

that you are heading into the family mausoleum underneath Castle Ravenloft, where Strahd and his family were interred, that you will visit 800 years in the future, or six years in the past. Time travel's tricky. Oh. Let's steal a corpse.

What do I want to do here? I need to leave a message for past Friso to find in the future. But he didn't find it. So too late. But maybe he will. Maybe if I leave a message it'll change the course of time

and in the future we'll be great. Might we get a bit lateral, guys? We're here to... Baston's nailed it. We're here to steal a corpse. Yeah, we want to get the... So I would know where

Petrina Colliana's... It looks... It would be to steal a corpse. Yeah, we want to get the... So I would know where Petrina Colliana's... It looks... It would be in the same place. Yeah, the room... There's a catacomb below here with a central space that is broken off into small individual crypts, each of them with a sarcophagi

and a beautiful fresco. And there is this sort of strange luminescence beyond that means even in this low light you can see in a blood-red tragic romantic wash over the entire space of these frescoes you can see portraits above three rooms the rest of the alcoves are empty of the heroes of the war against netheril you can see one fresco of strad von zarovich patron of this place and founder of these people. You can see his brother, esteemed diplomat, Sergei Von Zarovich.

And you can see his bride, Petrina Velikovna, Kharkovian beauty, diplomatic genius. The three of them are laid out. There are three sarcophagi inside these recesses. And sitting on top of each sarcophagi is a weapon. Old, darkened with age daggers on the sarcophagi of Strahd and Sergei. And still gleaming, still pure and beautiful, the name sword of Sergei Vonsarovich. Ayoy! Sitting on top of this sarcophagi of Petrina.

First of all, really great lighting in these alcoves. A lot of mood. Wow. Okay. So I'm just going to take this sword. And as you reach for the sword, Ogria's also reaches for it. Oh, okay.

This is awkward. But I kind of gave also reaches for it. Oh, okay. This is awkward. But I kind of gave this to my son who used it to kill these people. So they wouldn't be dead if it weren't for me. Okay. Okay, so... I know you gave it to your son.

Right. And he takes the sword and puts it in his scabbard. Oh, that's... This is going to be... That's mine, though. Do you know... okay, look, I kind of made an argument as to

why it should be mine, and you've just taken it. Okay, so you haven't really, I've used talking, okay, and I'm a man of peace, and that's why I talk. Dave, Dave, can you step in here and DM this shit, please? Everyone in this room has worked this out except for Eden, so I'm going to

let this play out. Sorry, I also haven't worked it out except for Eden, so I'm going to let this play out. Sorry, I also haven't worked it out. Yeah, yeah. But Dave, Dave, can you make them at least, can you make Father O'Gribbit's role? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I look at him real close and I put up one hand and then the other hand and do we do like a mirror thing?

Yeah, we do. Okay, good. Wait, wait, let me see if I've got your name written down somewhere here. Byron? That's right, Dad. Oh, good job, boy. You made a whole wall. Great.

Look what you did. That horny forest is gone because of you. Look. How did you not recognise your own son? He looks much older. He has a beard. He's older than Bastogne probably. He is older. He's about 15 years older. Byron, Byron, Byron. I did a great job. Well, I meant what I said, that you did the best you could.

And take that how you will. I've taken it pretty well, I'd say. Yeah, great. Alright guys, we've got a lot to discuss, but we've really got to get this corpse out of here. End the war. Bingo bango. We'll talk later. Phil, grab the lady's body. I'm just going to check that Strahd is still dead real quick. As Byron says that, he pulls out a canister and a small, what looks actually like a large ornate drill bit.

He screws it into place, pours oil in it, starts to whir and he pushes it against the wall. There are four small controlled explosions and then it whirs off, creating a small crawl space through the wall that people could escape as it heads up to the surface. Nice. He became an adventurer and a scientist.

Wow! I'm a good dad! And he's really distracted. He's like, you are unequivocally not that! And then he goes back to his work. Dave, as Bastogne takes the coffin off Strahd, I have it written on my sheet here.

Oinkers moinkers? That several months ago, and I don't know, I honestly don't remember this, but apparently several months ago, I hid a clove of garlic in my foreskin. That is true. I don't remember it, but Alex can, look, it says garlic. says you know I know the scene you're talking about terrible diagram so I know what you're talking about I'm gonna put

my dick garlic in strats mouth in case he turns vampire and it burns out no you know I put 80% of his mouth I put a little bit in his dick. In case he meets a vampire? No, if he wakes up as a vampire, his mouth will burn and his dick will burn. And I think that's smart gameplay. Now we all understand. But if he's not a vampire, just defile your corpse two ways. Alex, isn't he a bad corpse? If you realise he's not a vampire after the garlic's in the mouth,

will you stop doing the dick thing? Well, no, I have no dick garlic left. It's the last of it. It's the last of my dick garlic. Okay, a couple of things about this thing. Firstly, you wrote that note. I know what it means. It was something you tried to convince Byron to do.

No, no, no, no, because he didn't want it, I think, and so I put it in mine. And I have no problem believing that that's the case. You didn no, no, no, because he didn't want it, I think, and so I put it behind. And I have no problem believing that that's the case. You didn't tell us, but let's assume that when he didn't want to stick garlic in his dick,

you were like, well, there's nothing else. Went for a penny and bought this garlic. Where are you going to put it, Dave? They're going to take everything else off me when I get arrested

and go into the prison. Yeah, you had garlic this whole time. This whole time. All right, so great, excellent. Well, make for me a quick dexterity check. A little sleight of hand, I guess, or what? So when I push open the sarcophagus, what is it? He's going to push you aside and just start cramming garlic into orifices,

anything he can see. But what's in the sarcophagus? Well, you won't know because you try to open it and Friso just pushes you to the side. So this is Strahd's coffin that we're in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the controlled explosions were on whose? And who's picking up the body of Petrina?

I was going to. The explosions are on this wall. Oh, that's right. The escape. How many cloves are in a regular piece of garlic? Oh, my God. I don't want to do this. Let's say eight?

Wait, wait, wait. You said a clove. Did you put a bulb of garlic in yours? I meant bulbs. I meant't want to do this. Let's say eight? Wait, wait, wait. You said a cult. Did you put a bulb of garlic in your... I meant bulbs. I meant bulbs. I meant bulbs. You can't. You didn't put a whole bulb of garlic in your...

This is chaos. No, because remember when we were in prison and that person looked at my dick and you said my dick was great, which means I could probably fit a whole... bulb of garlic in a Dave, actually. Yeah, because that's the rubric. Do you remember? fit a whole bulb of garlic in a Dave actually. Yeah, because that's the rubric.

Do you remember when Pete, you know that, you know on the internet you can go on websites where you can Dave's packing up his laptop and he's walking off. Fuck this. On the internet you can go on websites where you can upload a picture of your penis and people will rate it. Now it's an unspoken rule that on these websites... But the coffin's empty!

Save that garlic freezer. It's going back where it came from, Dave. You open the coffin and the coffin is empty. Dust and corpse dust billows out. But the figure of Strahd seems to have been gone for decades. At that moment, Filch races out from the other room, halting, it has to be said, not the corpse of Petrina Velikovna. What am I holding?

Nothing. Because the corpse of Petrina is missing. I push off Sergei's lid as well. Corpse dust billows out. You scrabble your hands around inside and just fuck up a skeleton. Oh, okay. So Strahd and Petrina are missing.

Yes, and still in his corpse finery in the clothes he was buried in, you can see the skeletal remains of one Sergei Von Zarovich. Well, volley, brother. Peace out. Sorry that you died in this timeline as well. Strahd.

I knew he'd be a vampire. The figure of Byron is confused. Byron has obviously been training for this moment for a while, executing a mission for days, and he sinks to his knees as now you can hear pounding on the, am I correct in saying there's boofed door? Boffed. Boffed, Dave.

It's like you don't even care. Jesus, Dave, a boofed door? There are children in this thing. Yeah, what? He's going to go out there and fuck the door, Dave? Come on. It's like there's a script and everyone

has it except for me. Byron, Baston puts his arm around Byron and said, there, there, son. We'll get him next time. None of this makes sense. None of this... None of this makes sense. She should be here.

They've said they've had the corpse for a hundred and fucking... A hundred... 90 years. Byron, you fool. You should have taken the garlic when I gave it to you. And Stra... I watched Stra die. I watched Strahd die. I killed him. I watched him die. He should be in there and all bony.

The Barovians, he goes on to say, this has always been their trump card, their ace in the negotiations of this war that never ends. They have the body and when a truce was offered that they would accept they would give the body back to the carcosans they they ravenloft has always promised to one day return the body but if it's not here then and then he goes holy shit what if they never had it? That looks like it's the case. What if... Because I saw her die too. Because you did it.

You need to confess. Actually, Father Oak... You know, the confessor hat and the stall are on the floor. Yeah, put it on. I'll tell you a story. Alright, I'll put it on. Hello! You don't need to do the voice. You're undercutting a moment for me if you do the

voice. What? My son? Confess your sins to me. I can live with the voice. Forgive me, Palor, for I have committed the sin of murder. I did murder Strahd von Zarovich, but I did not kill his brother and I did not kill his sister-in-law.

Oh, there was no kebab? There was no kebab. Who killed? Just taking back Bearing's dad, and I think I know what you mean. No. Yeah, okay, no. Did he mean kebab? After you guys came and got it into his head that he'd become a vampire

and fall in love with his brother's sister, he avoided her. He avoided her for his brother's wife, I should say. Sorry, this is this guy at the camp who I think married his fucking mum or something and it's just on my mind. Oh, that's Bluthoff. Yeah, yeah. Did you guys meet him?

Freak. Anyway. Absolute freak. So he avoided him. He avoided him for Freak. Anyway. Absolute freak. So he avoided him. He avoided him for a decade. You know, his brother would send a raven, say, come to the castle, come to Carcosa.

Having a board games night. Yeah, we're going to play Settlers of fucking Catan. But he didn't want anything to happen. No, so he stayed away well that that can't that won't make any sense to the podcast audience but then but then 10 years after you guys left, the year was 37 FR. I don't know why people don't say it. It was 1987. But we do here and

they showed up one day at the castle, just surprised him for his birthday. Petrina and Sergei and I could see Strahd just turn white and in that moment I knew that he'd just completely become enthralled by her. And he tried to, you know, keep it from me, but we were pretty close.

So one night, back the night they arrived, I woke up because I got a bad feeling and saw Strahd coming out of his brother's room and he was holding a knife. And I thought, I've got to stop this. So I charged at him and he charged at me. And I, Dad, I took your sword, just like you'd said. And I tried to fight him with it, but it wasn't strong enough. And he took it from me. And then there was a scramble and some yelling.

And all of a sudden, Petrina was there. And she'd heard the noise and she'd come and strut. He didn't mean to do it, but he'd run her right through with it. Oh. Anyway, he let out a scream and I took his dagger and I, yeah, I did kill him, but by then she was dead and he'd already killed his brother and he'd wounded me pretty bad and I passed out and everybody thought it was me.

So yeah, I did kill Strahd, but, you know, context is important. Wow, wow, wow, wow. But I saw him die, and I saw her die, and while I was in prison, I know they were put in this tomb. Yeah, right. There's pounding now on the boff door as you hear figures in the distance say, make way for Commander Ravenloft.

And then there is a crack as a battering ram begins to break down the door, which is something I presume you can do in this situation. Absolutely. Battering ram downstairs is difficult. It's hard. It's going to take them a second. Oh, just the physics. Oh, this is weird.

I keep hitting the stairs. It's like we're trying going to take them a second. Oh, just the physics. Oh, this is weird. I keep hitting the stairs. It's like we're trying to move a couch. Interesting. No turn. Oh, well, son. It looks like you're in quite the pickle here. There is the whining gives up, as you can see that this tunnel has been dug out the side

as the battering ram hits the doors again. You're still, as I said in the sarcophagi, there is the coffins arrayed in front of you. The daggers are still there. The name sword has been taken by Byron. Is that right? Yeah, he's got it. As he picks up the sword and starts rushing,

not rushing actually, as if in a daze, walking out through the corridor like a man who has dedicated his entire life to a mission where he doesn't know the next step. Guys, we're going to get out of here. Well, sounds like a plan. Should we dive towards that tunnel? Yeah.

Let's do it. You all right, dude? No. You all race up through the tunnel, and as you do, you notice that Byron has stopped walking, confused, and sinks down to his knees, looking at the coffins, and then looking back up at all of you.

Fuck! You know? What's going on? You know what I do, son? Whenever I've lost something, I retrace my steps and think, where did I see this last? Well, I saw them last go into the mausoleum and be interred. And there was some sort of commotion a little while while I was in prison,

and they sent the... The commotion. What did you hear? Go back. Back in time. Time. Time. Hang on.

And he rushes back to Sergei's thing. And he looks at the bones and he takes out. Yeah. He actually says it. He goes, I heard the sound of stabbing. It woke me up that night. Loud sound of stabbing. Squ woke me up that night. Loud sound of stabbing. Squelch, squelch.

Stabbity, stabbity, stabbity. It was terrible. It was furious. It was like an axe into wood. I was in the next room and I knew that something terrible had happened when I woke up that night. And I walked in through a darkened corridor,

pitch black, and the only thing I could see was a glint of light for a second as the light from my room shone into the corridor and then refracted on a point in the room and illuminated the figure of Strahd. And that point was just lying there, a small point of light, a pin that had fallen,

which I realised, he goes on to say, was the signet pin of Sergei, and it had fallen. And that's when I saw from the light that had bounced off it, an illuminating stride holding the dagger, I knew that Sergei was dead. It was all there. It was right in front of me. dead. It was all there. It was right in front of me. Can you spell

it out a little more clearly for us? The door splinters and light floods into the mausoleum illuminating the frescoes of the three figures, Sergei, Petrina, and Strahd. I'm going to cast Hunger of Hagar in the doorway to slow them down so we have time to get out. What do I see

amongst the bones? Make a perception check. Oh, I'm always good at these. Yahtzee. Oh yeah. Sixteen. Looking through the bones you see the funerary gowns of Sergei interred in the clothes that he was wearing

the night that he died. You can see this in an old stilted ceremonial suit still a hundred years later the old remains of a dagger wounds cut through the side of his blouse and a cravat tied around his neck with a pin on it okay i'll take that pin this was this what you're looking for yeah Yeah, that's the... But wait. No, this had a fucking huge stone. I told you it illuminated a pinpoint in a room. Oh, it had a rock

in it. Yeah. Somebody stolen the jewel of the Nile. And as the light shines down into a mausoleum of a castle not yet built. The three of you, Bobby, Biron and Bastogne.

Don't forget Duneverse! I'm getting to that. I'm painting a picture. Stare at the pin and look at it. Indeed, a stone has been taken of it. As all of you look up at the fresco now, illuminated by the light from the corridor, you can see the figure of Sergei, his cravat-worn ceremonial dress intact

and a brilliant diamond attached to it. This diamond that is now missing. To your side, the figure of Filge, hyperventilating, slowly breathing down her rage, slowly subsiding as she hefts the warhammer that is all that she now carries, despite the many magical items that all of you have found on the way, reduced now to one weapon, a piece beside her, still channeling dark magics, the figure of Friezo, creating a storm of evil necromancy that is already killing i have to

say dozens of guards and they're dying crook it's not good they're like it's the first of all the steps turn to mud and then they turn to tentacles and then the tentacles are just bashing them together but dave as each of them dies they become a spectre who helps kill the next one. But that spectre kills that spectre. You know what I mean? And Friso is smiling and tears are running down his cheeks. And he is, for one moment, truly alive,

oblivious to anything else that is happening. And he's just muttering to himself, Friso, I have something to confess. And he's just muttering to himself, Frasier, I have something to confess. And he's dressed as a priest. If that does anything for you, he's also dressed as a priest. And that is certainly a podcast that we call Dragon Friends.

Thank you. Thank you The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cady Shikira Khan is our producer

The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This podcast is made possible by the contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who receive early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive content every other week.

Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again.

And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back. An extra few seconds. You can always go back. But as we're wrapping up, as Alex mentioned before, someone, one of us, is about to move continents for a little while. He's skipping town because he's done some murders. And I think we should just say in front of everyone,

Aidan, it's going to be a rough time to not do this with you for a while. That's lovely of you to say that. And if you start a rival podcast... We'll kill you. Yeah, we'll fucking come for you, son. Don't think we can't find where you are. I'll send you a message. I'll say, hey man, where are you?

And you'll say, I'm here. And I'll say, bam! You know, because you joined like after we started the podcast and we weren't really sure like he's not dying we have some other news and like obviously as soon as you joined the podcast

we were like oh fuck we need to have Eden back every week because he's the best and the only one who knows how to play Dungeons & Dragons. So for like, I don't know, six years or whatever it's been, it's been a real joy to play with him. So let's all raise our glasses to Eden Lacey. Wish you safe travels.

Oh, thank you. Yes. I'll be back. I'll be back. Yes. Sometime. Yeah. And if you see Eden,

he's leaving the country as a personal affront to you Yeah Take it personally But until next time, thank you so much for coming And goodbye Bye Thank you for being here