Dragon Friends - #8.09. Forget about Yonder with Maddie Parker

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

It seems that the Dragon Friends have made their escape, with one exception. Now their quest turns into a race against time, with surely no distractions, big or little. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Shall we start? Are we ready to play some Dungeons and Dragons? Yes! We've got a special guest for you. We're going to meet them very soon. But first, hi! Hi! Hi Dave!

No. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Don't worry Cos that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back

And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back High On the slopes of the Balinox Lies the brick and firmament That will one day become Castle Ravenloft, namesake of a worthy war hero and familial summit of the noble House of Strahd.

The dragon friends have escaped the castle by the skin of their teeth, literal seconds before their execution in no small part, teeth literal seconds before their execution in no small part due to the efforts of their new friend Byron Indriroval, inventor slash adventurer and the son of dear sweet Bastogne. Byron led you into the crypts of the family Strahd where you uncovered a terrible secret that Strahd's body is missing along with that of Petrina Velikovna, Strahd's singular obsession in life and perhaps in death. You also discovered one other small clue of corpse robbery. The body of Strahd's brother, interred 100 years ago in this place, has been interfered with.

A brilliant white gemstone plucked from his funerary cravat. I think people didn't like the way you said interfered. It sounded like you were saying diddled. If you're going to talk about somebody doing something to a corpse, you've got to go pretty far down the fucking list to get to interfered with, to not... I mean, desecrate sort of says it all. As Ravenloft's guards burst into... Molesse the corpse.

Finger the corpse. As Ravenloft's guards burst into the crypt, you make your escape. Arrows fly through the air as the five of you dive towards Byron's newly excavated tunnel, a scramble through fetid soil, and then cold, harsh, fetid, is it fetid soil? Fetid soil! And then cold, harsh moonlight. You have escaped. You are alive. And Baston, triumphant and the last to emerge, claps Byron

on the back. Ha, ha, ha. That was a pretty neat trick you pulled there, son. Oh, thanks, Dad. But your old man's learned a few tricks, too. You know, while training with the monks of the monastery of Kirsabal, I learned to catch arrows with my bare hands.

Okay, Dad, but... In fact, back in that courtyard, I caught the... Now, where did I put that arrow? Baston turns around and you can see the brilliant plume of a red arrow lodged between his shoulder blade and the stump of his neck. Dad! No, no, Dad, Dad! Oh, that's weird. I'm bleeding a lot.

Does anyone see that arrow I caught with my bare hands? I want to show it to my boy. Dad. Son, why are you crying? No, I... Don't cry. Daddy's here now. I can see you crying a little bit. I'm fine. Why are you guys getting so blurry?

Look, don't speak, it's fine. Don't cry, son. No. Daddy's here. Dad? Dad? Best son? And he slaps him. Oh, sorry. Dad? Dad? Best on! And he slaps him. Oh, sorry.

Dave, um, my fucking voice memo app is being a cunt, but I can always record this on a microphone to cut it up into the episode, so here we fucking go. Wait. What do you mean by that, Dan?

And Baston slumps to his knees and falls down dead. The arrow upright. No, sorry. Fair, fair. Seemingly dead on the ground between you. I'm like, Dave, it's been a decade. This is how you kill Eden? Come on.

Well, he shouldn't have gone to America. No, he's seemingly dead. He's seemingly dead. You haven't even touched the cadaver yet. He could be alive. We haven't even interfered with the corpse yet. I bend down and check if he's breathing. Make me a medicine check.

Oh, I'm probably good at that. Plus one. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. All right. You see that they're very shallow breaths are coming, disrupting the soil by his mouth, but blood is pooling out red, rich, and crimson from his neck. Ooh.

Ooh. What do we do? Let's bandage that up real quick. Yeah. Bandage up his mouth. Where's it coming out of? It's coming out of his neck. Oh guys, just fuck off, I'll do it.

Alright, Byron quickly tears a length of fabric from his midriff and finds it. Am I wearing a boob tube now? It was a jerkin, but now it's more boob tube-ish. Ooh, undercleavage. That's very in right now. He very quickly creates a functional tourniquet But Bastogne, his eyes have rolled up into his sockets His breathing is shallow

As you look, the wind whips up on the balanox You are far from home Days ride and hundreds of years to travel Before you rest with the body of Bastogne weighing you down So we need probably to get Bastogne to an old-timey hospital. Sure. Where...

Byron. Byron! Where's the closest hospital? Well, there's a... There's a... I can't think! There's a village just not too far away from here. We could just go there.

There'll be a doctor there. Yeah, we'll go find a doctor. We'll force him to fix... Or her. Or her. Or her. We'll force them. We'll force them.

We'll force whoever it is to help our friend. Okay, well, there is the town of Dorian, which is nearby, which was where you... It was your marshalling, your staging area for this break-in. Yeah, for this operation. There's an inn there. There's a doctor who lives there. We can take him there now.

Quick, what do you think his last words meant about his voice memo app being a cunt? Can I say, Ben, that was some great acting you did before. I thought it was really good. Because, like, obviously, Eden obviously Eden's like just in a computer and you have to act again Eden's not in a computer I don't know what you think happened to your friend

Eden. I know I was explaining back stage to Hing that Eden got tromped and that's why he's not here What it reminded me of was you know how when you go to like a theme park or whatever and they're doing a show with an animatronic thing? Yeah, no higher compliment can be paid to a performance.

J.Q., I'm always impressed by it because you've got to remember not just your lines, but you've got to remember the robot's lines as well. You're impressed by people who can act opposite a robot. That's how Lewis Hopper feels every day. Yay! Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. Can I tell you what the acting trick there is to keep it fresh?

When Dave sends you an audio file and says you should listen to this so you're across it, you do something else. And so that'll seem like the first time your character's hearing it because it's the first time Ben's hearing it. Wow. It's a masterclass. We go to the village, Dave. Byron quickly pulls aside some brushes to reveal

that he is not without a plan here as well. There is an old wagon with two sturdy mules which you load Baston in and in two hours' time you are already making your way, winding down the foot of the Balinox towards the humble village of Dorian. On the foot of the mountain, still very much in Barovian territory, there is an inn that you can see here called Desolate Wine,

is the name of the insignia above the door. W-I-N-E or W-H-I-N-E? Which would you prefer? Well, let's listen out and see if we can hear anything. Ben? Yeah, the inn... Thank you, Ben. Did that impress you?

Was that Byron or was that the corpse of Bastogne? That was the corpse of Bastogne, regrettably. Oh, we've got to be quick. Yeah. You're doing death farts. We don't have much time. You walk in very quickly to the Inn of Desolate Wine. There are a few farmers stoically drinking flagons of mead in the corner.

You can also see a dwarf sitting by himself at a large table. The only non-humanoid, it has to be said, inside the bar. And there is a grim, scar-faced barkeep standing, looking at you as you quickly drag the body of Bastogne Indrirovich in and throw him down onto a large wooden table. Oh, g'day guys!

Is there a doctor in the house? Oh, sorry, sorry, hi. Sorry, don't mind my grim face. People often think I'm a real rude dude, but I'm not, I'm kind. What did you say? Are you a doctor? No, oh God, no. Oh, I fainted at the sight of blood. We need a doctor rude dude, but I'm not. I'm kind. What did you say? Are you a doctor? No. Oh, God, no.

I fainted at the sight of blood. We need a doctor. A medic. A medicine wizard. A shaman. Oh, yeah. Well, you'll want Steve. No, no.

You don't say Steve. You'll want, and then you click your fingers. And Steve appears. Sure. And Steve shows up a... What am I... What's his deal? Is he...

Oh, he's... Okay, he's awful. Steve is a kind of wise and gross looking dude. This is awful Steve. Why is Steve so awful? That's a great question. Why is Steve so awful? Well, between you and me, he's a real prick.

But a terrific doctor. And if you, we do a package deal where if you give Steve doctor money. Package deal. Doctor money. If you give him doctor money to patch up your mate there, you get a free one meal. Well, he says this. Steve pulls out a doctor's bag, places it on the bar, opens it up, pulls out a stethoscope and begins to eat it.

So, so we, you're kind of... It doesn't look like a very... Yeah, make it, make an insight check. All right. Insight. Oh, that's not... That's two. Okay.

Even so, he has swallowed an entire stethoscope. I'm just imagining him with the stethoscope in his mouth, but then the ear bits are still out, so he's listening to his insides. Byron, is this the doctor you think about? Why did I? I never met the man. I just heard he was great. I thought awful, like in the old sense,

like full of awe. Oh, no. He pulls out a roll of syringes and just starts just stabbing anything. A peach. Table. So we just. And then he says, physician, heal thyself. And stabs himself in the face.

And falls down dead. I've going to rifle through his doctor's bag to see if I can find any bandages. Alright, Filge very competently rifles through the bag

and does find some old mouldy bandages but as you do, Filge, you suddenly feel a tug on your britches. Bye, girl. Drink first. Just a little tug.

Someone's trying to get your attention. Still. I look down. On the side, respectfully. I look down at my side. Alright, you look down at your side and you see a figure of a dwarf looking up at you inscrutably. A large, luscious beard

obscuring most of their face but a symbol of what is unmistakably a holy symbol of a cleric nestled amongst their plate armour cuirass. And I say to them, please, help our friend. He dying.

We need you to interfere with this corpse. And to play that very short, very stout dwarf, please welcome to the stage, Manny Parker! Welcome to the stage, Matty Parker! Welcome to the stage, Matty Parker. The dwarf looks up at you. Hi, you're a cleric? Oh, shit, yeah. Yes, sorry, yes.

What is that accent? Where are you from? A little dwarf town. It's very nice. It's really good. I'm not going to tell you, though, because we don't want visitors. We don't like tourists. Well, enough small talk. Good, Hing.

Real good. Stay on the mission. We can establish a character in a later scene, dwarf. Why are you tugging my britches? I thought that maybe you needed help but you know what you've been very rude to me so i'm gonna go back to my tankard of mead please please uh i apologize for my friend he named friso he not good at small talk and he think this the best way to deal with it we We want to learn all about your character. We promise. Just, how can you

help our friend? We're desperate. We forget ourselves. He's got an arrow in his back. Yeah, well really interestingly I see here that I can cure wounds. Yeah. By which I mean I know that I can

cure wounds. With the knowledge of the knowledge that is in my head. Yeah, that's right. Maddie is... I know what I know. Maddie is, of course, a dwarven cleric of a life domain church, probably a small church, a dwarven church. It's up to you, really.

What kind of church? Scientology? The Catholic Church. A fancy church. A fancy made-up church. A church that isn't going to sue us. The Church of the Very Big Rock. Oh!

Interesting! Now, unwittingly, Maddie has made a callback. Oh, no! To Matthew Scissor. Maddie has not listened to any episodes of the podcast. Well done! Look, I'm going to tell you that, Maddie, we have done this show for so long that any words in any order,

you have like a 40% chance of it being a callback. It turns out that not only do I know what I know, I also know what I don't know. That's right. They're very wise. This dwarf is an acolyte of the Church of the Very Big Rock, a dwarven sect of life, and you can cast a spell. If you want to, if you think you like these people

who have been rude to you, you can cast Cure Wounds. I'll see, because hang on a minute. I want a little something of my own here. We respect that attitude here at the Dragon's Brace. It's a little quid pro quo, which is dwarvish for something for something. She's so wise.

Yeah, you see, I'm on a quest of my own. I'm actually on a quest of my own. I want a new little hat. A new, sorry, sorry, sorry, what? I want a new little hat. A new little hat? Sorry, sorry, sorry, what? I want a new little hat. Look, as someone who in the past has worn little hats, I understand the urge.

But leave it with us. I don't have one on me, but I can get you one. We can make one, we can get you one. Here's to our friend, any hat you like. If you see a guy wearing a hat you like, consider him... Dead.

And hatless. Look, if I saw a hat that I liked, I would be wearing it. You know, I can get what I want. So you want us to invent a new kind of hat for you to wear? Yes. You want us to invent a new kind of hat for you to wear. Let me promise you, if you help us cure our friend's wounds, we will not rest. We will spend hours. We will co-design a hat for you.

Upon hours. We will take a brief. We will... They describe it as they will spend seasons, which is a really weird way of describing it, but they say seasons and episodes. They say we will spend at least four live shows. We will waste so much of Dave's time.

Have you heard that new millinery podcast, Dragon Friends? Just tell us something about this hat you want. Well, no. It's getting very cold. Guys. You are our friend first and then we'll do a hat talk. I can only do one focus at a time. So I got distracted with hat.

I'm sorry. Please fix our friend and then we'll get the hat. Hat can wait. Hat can wait. I accept that. Because as you can obviously see, I am currently wearing a little hat. And I just want to replace it with a new little hat. What's this hat that you're wearing?

Do you know what? Eden wouldn't have wanted this any other way. If I have to call Eden Lacey tonight and tell him that he died because the dragon friends got distracted by a little hat. Introducing a second little hat is like exponentially

taking the riff and just stretching it out. Baston's breath is becoming raggedy. But I just want to paint the picture. What is the hat? Well, it's not big. Master improviser Maddie Parker. It's red and it's like pointy but rounded. How little is it? Does it need a bobby pin to stay on your head? It's a and it's like pointy but rounded. How little is it? Does it need a bobby pin to stay on your head?

It's a fascinator. Pointy but rounded? Is it a dunce cap? Yeah, are you wearing a dunce cap? Okay, I didn't say dunce cap, but that was what my bullies at school called it. You've been wearing this hat since you were a child? No wonder I want a new hat.

He doesn't say it, but the dwarf is wearing a dunce cap. Okay. And you want a hat that's not going to let everyone know that you failed maths? Maybe. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll get you a new hat, but please, can you say...

Oh, he's dead. No. No, he's not. He's not dead. Yeah. Yes. I burp-o. Did I mention?

Wait, what? That's a good name. Your name's Burpo. Can you just take a drink of soda water, do a little burp in your mouth, and name your character Burpo? No comment. Where is the name Burpo from?

Burpo, writing it down. Burpo of the Church of the Big Rock looks at your friend concerned his dunce cap trembling slightly on his forehead as he listens

to Baston's chest takes a gauntleted hand and with practice care pulls the arrow barb out of Baston's neck make for me I'm assuming you're casting cure wounds

but I still need you to make with advantage a medicine check. So just roll those two dice. Tell me... Medicine number. 11. An 11, okay.

You... So 11 is 14, which means... 11's 11. I thought I failed maths, but even I have. It says medicine is plus five Dave So that's sixteen

Alright eleven Sixteen Eleven sixteen Dave You fucking moron Do you want my little hat When I'm done with it It's a D for Dave And don't

That's why I keep telling my mum It's a D for Dave Nine sixteen Never forget Alright Dave A sixteen means that you are able to Stabilise his breath Stops being so ragged I keep telling my mum it's a D for Dave. 9-16, never forget. All right, Dave. A 16 means that you are able to stabilise his breath, stops being so ragged, but he is still not waking up as you frown and look at him burp-o,

for he is sick with something greater than just the wound and the blood loss. Oh, guys, I've got to tell you, he looks pretty crook. Says... I thought Steve was dead. Steve is the... This is the innkeeper. Oh, guys, I've got to tell you, he looks pretty crook. Says. I thought Steve was dead. Steve is the... This is the innkeeper. Oh, the innkeeper, sorry. Byron's really gone into himself.

He's like, you know, like that. That's great for the podcast. My eyes went kind of wide and I looked into the distance. You're playing a lot of characters. You're playing Steve. You're playing Gary. Who the fuck is Gary?

Who's Gary, Ben? Yeah, who is Gary? I'm Gary the farmer. I couldn't help but overhear you talking about your friend there with an arrow and he looks very poorly. Steve comes up and tries to

tell Gary to... Steve's dead! Steve's dead, Dave! Let go of Steve! Keep up, Dave! You've got so many things to do. It's almost like you're wearing a lot of little hats. Well, if you're after some fancy medicine people, there's a retreat of clerics not far from here,

about three days' ride. I don't truck much with them, but... They'll help us well yeah I was trying to be helpful sure thank you Gary finally someone helpful in this fucking house how many snow globes can I put you down for I'll take some snow globes

I'm a snow globe salesman you said you were a farmer do you grow snow globes no I grow the little bits of wheat that we use for the snow in there. It's a fine trade. Is this the best use of your wheat? Do you grow entire fields of wheat and then just snip tiny bits off the end

to make snow globes and put the rest in the bin? I am not good at business. There is a famine. Every podcast we ask the audience, hey, is there anyone here for the first time? What we never ask, is anyone here for the second time? You guys should start the last time. Yeah, potentially.

Is there anyone here for the... Was that tough? You should ask people, are they here for the last time? Alright, let's go to these clerics, Dave. You know, actually, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm a cleric. I may not know much, but I know that. All right. So are these clerics the real deal, the ones at the retreat?

Make for me a religion check if you want, Burpo. Ooh. How do I roll the dice? Oh, you know what, Friso? You know a little bit about, It would be history for you. 15 plus 7 is 22. Is that your history? Oh, no.

History is plus 7. Yeah, it is, actually. 15 plus 7, 22. 22. What did you get, Burpo? One, which I don't think is good. No. That's correct.

There's Sonic Church. Matty Parker, everybody. There's a lot of the Sonic Church. Now, how many snow globes? We got one, everybody. There's a lot of the Sonic Church. Now, how many snow globes? We got one, two. You look like you'd like a snow globe. I'll have two. All right, there are 400 gold pieces here.

I'm not good at business. Now, while this is happening, Frieza, you're frowning slightly because you are, of course, in your time in the monasteries of mystery, you were a keen student of Sword Coastian history, of Faerunian history, and you have never heard of a sonic church. This is not a religion that means anything to you. I'm more of a tales guy. I gotta stop.

Sonic. The Church of the Big Rock you know about. It's a minor dwarven sect. It's part of the history that you grew up with, but you've never heard of the Big Rock you know about. It's a minor dwarven sect. It's part of the history that you grew up with, but you've never heard of the Sonic Church. Now, me wouldn't know this. Go on. What's Sonic mean, Friso?

Sonic? What word's Sonic mean? It's like a blue hedgehog. Is that what we're doing? Bobby, what the word Sonic mean? Oh, like sound. Is that what we're doing? Bobby, what the word sonic mean? Oh, like sound. Is that what you're asking? Yeah. Wait a second. Sorry.

Sorry, Al. Yep. Look at a child trying to trick their dad into teaching them maths. I tried it with my dad. Sonic means sound. But we know about, there's something about the sound. People, when we talk to them, they keep going, nah, the sound. And we go, eh.

Hello. Oh, shit, you're right. No, you're totally right, Filch. Yes, 100%. Oh, Drona face. Yeah, you turn around and No, you're totally right, Filch. Yes, 100%. Oh, do the face. Yeah, you turn around and change to you as an old man. I didn't do this. Who was dragged for several leagues behind a wagon,

but is still fine. And he's got like a really nice parmigiana. And he's like, I put it on your tab. I hope you don't mind. He's making more sense than he has. This is a crazy old man you found earlier on the way to Castle Ravenloft He seems invigorated in Dorian

Oh, look at this There's a chicken and they put crumbs on it But that's not all He's so invigorated that he stops talking about his sandwich You heard about You're into the sound, aren't you? I'll tell you something He's so invigorated that he stops talking about his sandwich. You heard about... You're into the sound, aren't you?

I'll tell you something. I am a member of the Sonic Church. One of the earliest members. I don't want to blow my own trumpet toot toot toot. But yes, I'm a fairly big deal out there in the desert. Toot toot's a sound. Well done, Dan. Write it down.

Toot Toot. Toot Toot. Toot Toot. Well, Mr. Sonic. Oh no, what do we call you? Duna Face. You're Duna Face. His name, he tells you.

My name is not Duna Face. Although I have enjoyed being called that. Is it Duna Fudge? It's Duna Face. His name, he tells you. My name is not Duna Face. Although I have enjoyed being called that. Is it Duna Face? It is Duna Face. Signore Duna Face. It is Signore Duna Face. From Duna Face family. But...

Fine. But when we get... It's only your own clues you're missing. But when we get to the desert, I insist that you swear to me, Senor Dunafage, that you call me by my church name. Please tell us.

My church name is Echo. That's also to do with things. Echo the dolphin. It's the seagull world. What's Echo? Why do they all in the audience say ooh and we don't know why? This happens more and more. Until we get to the desert, you can call me Simple.

I'll send you out to the fudge. This accent is ratcheting up by the minute. Do you know I forgot how I speak and then I have the parmigiana. What's funny is on the table here, Ben's fingers very slowly just like clenched. Curling into a perfect. I couldn't take you there. That's too many syllables. I can. I know the way.

It is not easy. Our prophet, he found an oasis in the desert. It was a miracle. But the way is tough and hard and there is no delicious parmigiana there. That is for sure. Your friend will be safe there. We are some of the finest clerics.

What is that even supposed to mean? Sometimes seeing it, you just gotta go with it. Yes, please. And Burpo, will you join us? We need to talk. We need to talk about this hat design. Yeah, I have a question for the Italian man. Please.

Are there any milliners in the desert? Hat shops? Gentleman's outfitters? We at the retreat do not believe in single jobs. Everybody does everything. But that means... Everyone's a milliner. That's right.

Murfo, you will get on so well. Okay. I am adopting in the accent. It's contagious. Oh, no. Did you eat some parmigiana? I did. I nibbled his chippies when he wasn't looking.

Burpo, I will say that as a young junior acolyte, you have been sent out to the world because you must learn more than what you could learn in the cloister. You have decided that what your mother superior meant was that you needed to find a succession of hats and everybody's religious path is different and i respect that but it's like when um young amish go out into the world they drink and party but i just want a new hat it's a sort of hat-based rumspringer.

I was going to say that this does sound like a heresy to you. He said that these are clerics of the life domains of clerical magic. That is magic that you are intimately familiar with as a student of, but you also have not heard of this church. But he is willing to show all of you the way, if you want to take your wagons east towards the desert perilous, the border of Carcosa and Barovia. Let's do it. Let's grab supplies from this inn

and hit the road. Four parmesanis, please. That's your supplies? Four? Four parmesanis. Actually, Dave, if we're doing that the food gives you accents, no, we're not doing... Is that what we're doing?

Is that what we're doing? Are we doing the food gives you accents um no we're not doing the food gives you accents let's all order for each other Well, I guess we have to... I mean, so we have to order for Bobby, right? We have to order for Bobby. Yeah. You know, it's such a nice thing friends can do that they know each other's favourite cuisines. And my friend... Our friend Bobby.

There is nothing... Nothing! My friend Bobby enjoys more... Than pork buns, baby! A classic char siu bao! Now, Dave, as the DM, you can step in at any time. What do we roll? What do we roll for the magic pub food?

A tasty little pub, Dave. This isn't on me. This isn't on me. This is a persuasion check to see if there is a small Chinese restaurant attached to this high fantasy inn that you find yourself in. So it's a high DC. I need you to roll. Get DC of 20.

Wait, what? We're entertaining this? 24. I refuse to be cancelled because you're too much of a coward. DC 24. With help? Advantage. No, you can't help.

My persuasion is plus. No, you're right. I'm only half Chinese. I'll use a detent. Oh, they're all out of fancy food. Everyone gets bread. Oh, all right. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Because I can do a spell to create food and water But weirdly and very specifically The food is not racist I can only create not racist food That's one of the rules in D&D She swore an oath Oh, what fun we have Sorry Dave, sorry, we derailed for a second But, what fun we have. All right, sorry, Dave.

Sorry, we derailed for a second. But we want to power through this story, Dave. We're really committed. All right, great. I was frantically Googling the origin of pork buns just in case they came from San Francisco. Okay, weirdly, possibly more problematic

than just doing the accent. All right, the desert Anorak, the desert perilous, unpassable borderlands between Carcosa and Barovia, two nations at war. Three days ride to the east and on the first day,

Bastogne is running hot, a powerful fever. But by the second day, he is ice cold. And on the third day, He's just right. His fingers and lips are turning blue and he has stopped moaning.

All of you are worried that this journey may come too late, but you have made your way into the desert. A desert, I might say, that the mules that are riding your wagon are sorely unaccustomed to. So who is leading the train? It is not, I will say, Senor Dunaface, who is nursing a parmigiana slower

than anyone has ever nursed. Pam goes bad after three days. I'm very sick. In the back of the wagon. I'll lead, Dave. Great. Make for me, then, a survival check. Oh, not good.

Survival is plus one, so I got a four. It's five. Okay. And you only took bread into the desert? Mm-hmm. Yep. No water, nothing, and you rolled a five on your survival check. You don't want to know where water's from, Dave.

Well, that means that by the third day you have lots of bread left. And if anything, you should stop eating bread because you are all becoming powerfully dehydrated as you make your way. This is, as I said, only three days from the quite chilly climes of Borovia. This is a magical desert, part of the erratic magical landscape of this part of the Sword Coast. But the sun is beating down on you and all of you are becoming exhausted. You all take one level of exhaustion.

And I'm afraid, Burpo, are you still traveling in your full plate armor? I never take it off. Two levels of exhaustion for you. Where do I write that? What do I do with that knowledge? Maddie, I also don't know the answer to that question. Honestly, Maddie, sometimes Dave just says stuff and you're like, oh yeah, Dave, I'm writing it down.

You're like, oh no. Okay, well, I've just put two ticks on my page. Yeah, I'm going to do that too. I'll do a tick. And I'm going to circle them as well. I'm going to do that too. I'll do a tick. And I'm going to circle them as well. I'm going to do a sad face. Seven years. You're all starting to die of thirst.

If you get to four levels of exhaustion, I will tell you that you're correct. How many donkeys do we have? You currently have... Are you going to drink the donkey, baby? You are down to one donkey. One yule. Which donkey fluid are you going to drink the donkey, baby. You are down to one donkey. One yaw. Which, which, which, which fluid, which donkey fluid are you going to drink?

Blood. Which fluid does that leave you, Fraser? I'm going to drink all the blood so there's none left, so you have to drink. I don't think blood is a hydrating substance. Salty, salty. No, you can do it. You can do it. It's better than nothing.

I read, if you read enough Westerns, it comes up. All right. All right, what else is left? If we're drawing straws for fluids, Dave, what fluids are in the donkey? What is an appropriate time for me to make offers of spells and fancy knowledge that I have? You can make food and water.

So you want to cast free air water? Is Burpo just sitting there while we... Drink the blood. Hold a knife at this donkey's artery, like drinking a cocktail? I'm just chugging soda water and burping, basically. She's got one of those huge, obnoxious, like, Gatorades. Burpo, might I have a sip of your Gatorade? Burbo, might I have a sip of your Gatorade?

Yeah. Or, I mean, yes, but I noticed that I am still wearing my previous hat. No, that is true. That's on me. And this is yet another favour that I'm being asked for, and at this point, I haven't got a new hat.

Okay, okay, so let's talk Turkey. Okay, we're going to do a vision board. I have a vision board on Pinterest but I don't have any reception here. So I can't load

my Pinterest board. I don't have any reception because phones aren't real. What does fantasy Pinterest look like? Oh my God, no. With one... No. No, Alex. No.

Someone draw it, please. With one mule dead, you can't pull the wagon. So Bastogne is trapped now. Oh, I'm going to skin the mule. Wonderful. Ha-cha-cha. What's that? Oh, to make the hat? Nice mule skin hat. I'm going to make. What's that? What do you think?

Oh, to make the hat? Yeah. A nice mule-skin hat. I'm going to make a little mule-skin hat, you dumb fucking... Sorry, Dave. Sorry. Sorry, Dave. I owe you an apology. I got excited and then you were talking to me like my idea was bad,

but I thought my idea was good and I got defensive and I'm sorry. And I said... That is the most healthy thing that's ever been said on this stage. Big clap for Michael Ng, everyone. That's crazy. I said fuck you to Dave. He didn't say anything, and then you all applauded me. That's great.

This is a great way to train a psychopath. Dave, I'm going to cut up the mule. Great. While you were doing this, a plume of dust appears in the east, deeper into the desert. Byron stands up on a rock, shielding his eyes with his wide-brimmed priest's hat that he still has, and he looks out towards the east as he says he sees three chariots coming towards you.

Three chariots coming towards us? Yeah. We should probably get out of here on the... Oh, you've killed it. You were thirsty. Yeah, no, the mule was dead. The mule was already dead. I didn't kill him. I'm just skinning him. Alright.

Well, guys, there's three chariots coming towards us. I think it's yonder. You can make perception... It might be hither. It's definitely not thither. No, forget about yon. That's...

Witticians, I want to say. What are we checking today? Perception. Yep. 15. Yep, I got it. All right, great. Friso, you stand up

and your eyes see what look like three modified chariots being driven by what look like gangly young men and women riding towards you. Well, two of them actually humans. One of them with the long lupine ears of a haranguan, a member of the rabbit folk. Oh. Haven't we fucked with rabbits before? rabbit, member of the rabbit folk. Oh. Haven't we fucked with rabbits before? No, we've never fucked with rabbits before. They're racing towards you,

these three figures. Do they have wolf ears? No, but what? No, or lapan. Lapan. Oh, lapan. Lapan-like. Not lupine.

Lapine. Lapine. Worship down, motherfucker. Sorry, Dave. Sorry, Dave. Sorry, Dave. I so hoped that was one of the people who'd never come to the show before and had just sat here in stony silence, just glaring at all the bullshit,

and then there was a Watership Down reference, and they were like, Fire away! The chariot skid to a halt in front of you, kicking up sand as the three figures look at you. There are heavy crossbows, one of them heavily customised as if it's a repeater crossbow on the bow of it,

and these chariots are pulled by a pair of camels each, a brace of camels. The three figures stare at you. As I said, they are young, maybe 22, 23, and they have wild, untamed hair as they look at you impassively. Wait, or a rabbit or a hare? Great joke.

Before the young haranguan hops down off the chariot, kicking up sand, and plods towards you. Cute. How big is this rabbit? Haranguans are quite small. They would probably come up to They're about bobby sized

But they can jump Very very high They have very powerful legs And like Is this just like a rabbit we're seeing Or is it like the rest of Dungeons and Dragons They're wearing clothes Rabbits and clothes and stuff

Yeah and this one Has a light crossbow on its back And a wicked looking sickle So this is some real Brian Jacques shit Yeah That's right If you know you know Yes new podcast We Jacques shit. Yeah, that's right. If you know, you know. Yes, new podcast.

We've got it back, people. That's right, motherfucker. We in Redwall now. Oh, great. Well, everyone loves it. This is fine. It's fine. And I...

Aaron gone. Sorry. He just yells what race that beat was. Is that how you say hello? You just sort of just shout the race of the thing coming toward you? That's not, no. Alex, sometimes people do that in D&D.

Hey! They go elf. Oh, okay. That's like someone across the road yelling Chinese at you. No, I know it's bad. I know it's not good to do in 2022, but in D&D people do it all the time. No, it's still not good, man.

Really? Look, buddy, they didn't even ask me my name. They were just content to refer to me as the dwarf for however long this goes for. Oh, man, that's a real bummer. I'm sorry about that. Thank you. Hey, what's your name?

See, now that's nice. That's a nice thing to do. That's a nice thing to say. Well, I'm Chime. Chime. Chime. Ch I'm Chime. Chime. Chime. Chime. Chime.

Chime. This here is Stanza. And this is Rhyme. Why is everyone groaning? Why is everyone groaning? Yeah, we just saw your little carts are glinting off. I think it was yonder. And...

Do these... Hey, is that Echo you got there? Yeah. Aye! And they go, aye! What you got Echo there for? What kind of mischief he got himself into? Oh, he got captured in a prison we were in, I think.

That sounds like Echo to me. Hey, let me ask you. You guys hungry? You guys thirsty? Big time. All of those things. Oh, yeah. You Echo's church friends?

Yeah. As Chime is about to say, yeah, you do, you echoes church friends. Yeah. As time is about to say, yeah, another one, a slightly older one, puts its hand up and says, and you come alone? I was asking to be polite. I figured it out from your names. It's not often we get visitors out from the great west. What you all doing here? This one has black paint

painted over their eyes. This is Stanza as he looks at the three of you. Well, we have a friend who is desperately unwell and we heard that from Echo that you'd be able to help. It's been three days. Oh, well, you hear that, Stanza? The prophet

says we can't send somebody in need away. We gotta bring him to him. Stanza? The prophet says, we can't send somebody in need away. We got to bring him to him. Stanza looks at you and has a nervous tick as his hand rests on the pommel of a quite wicked looking knife that he keeps on his belt. And he says, and then he breaks into a huge toothy smile. He looks at you, considers, and breaks into a smile. he says, Well, a thousand blessings on you, pilgrims. It is a special time after all. A great reawakening of this world and you can join in with us. You can come with us to our house.

You can see Daddy. What? Oh, no. And he's going to make everything make sense. Did he say Daddy? Did he say Daddy? Did he say daddy? Did you say daddy? Yeah, but he's immediately regretting it. Does he make you call him that?

You can see the elder. Wait, is the daddy and the elder and the prophet? Let's forget about daddy. No, we're stuck on that. Ah, listen. That's a stanza thing. Stanza has what we like stuck on that. Ah, listen. That's a stanza thing. Stanza has what we like to call issues. No, you can call him the prophet,

or you can call him Elder Creed. Heck, you can call him either of those things. And nothing else. But he's real smart. And he's real good. And I bet that friend of yours will be healed up lickety split. And then their little nose twitches. I keep forgetting you're a rabbit.

Is that what you say to... No, no, no. Yeah, he doesn't see race. This isn't crazy. We're just having a conversation. We're just getting along. And I keep forgetting. And look, this is Friso.

This is Friso talking now. And he's like, Friso's going to edge forward and try and make a fun joke that he hopes that he hopes everyone's going to edge forward and try and make a fun joke that he hopes that he hopes everyone's going to really enjoy. Do you want to tell the joke and then make a performance check? Yeah, sounds great.

Alright. So he goes... Wait, have you seen Zootopia? Have I seen what? Zootopia? Yeah. Zootopia. Judy Hopps would be a harringan.

That's what they look like. Right, yeah, yeah. I've not seen the play show. Children's show. It's a movie and like. Right, yeah, yeah. I've not seen the play show. Children's show. It's a movie and there's a very sexy fox in it. There's a very sexy fox in it? It wasn't as quiet as you thought it was just then.

That was not as universal as I... You know, the kids show with the fuckable fox. Zootopia is a very sophisticated animated film about racism. Hey guys, let's focus on what's important. Remember when Dave said daddy? You know what else is funny? That's the second cartoon fox you've told me you'd fuck. Oh, can I guess the first?

Of course you would. Obviously. It's the A1, number one with a bullet. Absolutely. Is it Clooney's Fantastic Mister? No! You pervert! It's Robbie Hawkins.

You disgusting pervert! I think you guys are great. Absolutely. Let's give shit to Ben. Forget about what Dave just said. Sorry, Tom, what were you saying? I was just interested because I know there's a lot of sexy looking foxes,, Tom, what were you saying? I was just interested because I know there's a lot

of sexy looking foxes but I appreciate what Ben's saying which is because it's like, you know, it's about his personality there. Thank you very much. Okay, Tom would fuck George Clooney as a fox. Very fuckable fox.

Well, that's all the time that we have. Are you going to try... Rob Barlow, very fuckable fox. Are you going to... On this most auspicious night, are you going to go and see Elder Creed with them? Are you going to head to the retreat? Yes, yes, fuckable fox. Are you going to, on this most auspicious night, are you going to go and see Elder Creed with them? Are you going to head to the retreat? Yes, yes, yes.

Dunaface's fortress in the sand, deep within the desert perilous, bordering two great proud nations now at war in service of a religion that seems impossible, a religion that doesn't exist, a religion that has been created out of nothing, out of history, and for once not out of some fucking around by the dragon, friends. You will travel deep into the desert. You will drink their water. You will take their bread. You will partake, perhaps, in their special practices. You will do all this and more despite the unerring way they are armed. Despite

the strange moments of comprehension that they seem to have glancing towards you. You will do this for two reasons. One, because your friend Baston is dying. And two, because you promised a dwarf

a tiny hat. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Our special guest this week was Maddy Parker. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest.

And new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive content every other week. Until next time.

Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry, because that's what time travels for. You can always go back and try again. And if you go back and kill your friends, you can always go back an try again. And if you go back and kill your friends, you can always go back. An extra few seconds, you can always go back.

As all of the people who've come to the show before, we begin every show by summoning the bread crampers. So let's begin by doing what we always do at these shows, which is... Which is to summon the bread crampers for our bread giveaway. Of course. And as we all know... What? As we all know, in order to summon the bread crampers, all that needs to happen is that a room full of people

who are pure of heart chant bread crampers three times and he'll arrive with his sack full of bread. Right, and we've got to sing the bread crampers three times and he'll arrive with his sack full of bread. Right, and we've got to sing the bread crampers song. Can Simon here, the chief wizard, bread crampers? Oh yeah. What the fuck is going on? I have no fucking idea.

Watch out here, watch out there, bread, bread everywhere. Look in the mirror and say three times, bread crampers, bread cr times bread crap spread crampus bread crampus here I The bread crampus is here! The bread crampus, everybody! Bread crampus!

So, Simon, what you did there is you said bread crampus three times in the lyrics of the song. Yeah, some of the bread crampus. You've got to keep singing or he'll turn you into bread! Quick, Simon! La-la-la-la-la-la-la

I love bread La la la La la la la la la la Do not eat my bones La la la la la la la La la la La la la La la la la la la Do not eat my bones