Dragon Friends - #8.10. An Embarrasing Lack of Yes And-ing with Maddie Parker

Episode Date: August 7, 2022

The Dragon Friends have found themselves in a desert on a dwindling supply of pack animals. What respite can be found among the dunes with their new sonically themed companions? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can I just point something out? Yeah, how far we've got in the notes? So I have about five fucking pages of these things. We are... this is page one and we are here. Four lines for the people at home. Words that are not in my DM notes. Parmigiana. Italian accent. I feel like you're laying a lot of this at my feet. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more.

But don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back.

And let your fears set you. You can always go back. Anorak, the desert perilous. A desert created seemingly out of nothing at the end of the first age of ruin with the collapse of Netheril as the world became... It's not Tokay. I saw you. You poured Red Bull into a wine glass. Tokay. The land of Anorak is inhospitable. It is said that none can pass. It is a fitting demilitarized zone between Barovia and Carcosa, two nations that have been at war

for almost a hundred years now over a single crime, the non-return of the body of a Carcosen lady of great prominence and power named simply Petrina Velikovna. The dragon friends have found themselves with a singular mission. They must find the body of Petrina, repatriate it to Kakosa, and thus stop a world war that threatens not just the balance of power in these forgotten realms, but the cold cell engines that they hope yet will ferry them back to the time that they belong in.

That third age, that gilded age, the age where they were all born. They have a second mission. It's finding a hat or some shit. I don't really care. Wow. A little hat. Maddie's a guest. Maddie's a guest.

Maddie's a guest from an improv school and you have embarrassed us so much with your lack of yes anding here. I am a guest, Dave. And yet, the dragon friends are not alone. They have found new friends. If friends, they can be called Burpo the Cleric, but also three wild youths, Stanza, Rhyme, and I believe Chime? Yeah.

Are already accompanying them on a mission into a cult compound node. I've got to say, Dave, when I read these notes, now-ish, I really liked what you'd done there with those names, but I've got to say, there were some members of the audience that were not picking up what you were throwing down with that.

Can you explain the joke? Because I didn't get it. The joke? Because it elicited a reaction from the audience, so I didn't... No, I'm not going to explain my deeply rich intertextual... Does anyone want to explain to him?

No, no, that's not how this works. No, they're not sound. Like, chimes are sound, but stanza is like a poetry thing or whatever. I don't know. Oh, yeah, There's a stanza and you can have a stanza in music. Oh, God.

Now you know how the audience feels. You mean the camels and the chariots are already pulling your wagon. Dude, that's a sound. The mule the mule left forlornly behind as the five of you with your newfound guests

and companions travel forward further, deeper into a desert that is famed that none may pass it and live. The chariots you were divided amongst the dragon friends are split amongst the chariots, which means that Bobby and Filge, you're spending time with Stanza Dunaface.

Is that what... I'm Echo. I'm Birdo Echo! No! No! Hey! I'm not a name of the rose! You can't...

That's not a podcast joke you're allowed to do. Burpo, you're with Umberto Eco. And that means that Friso is in the lead chariot trying to explain a very complicated joke about haranguans to Chime. Yes. You thought we'd forgot about this. No, I want to hear this joke. Chime, was it?

Yeah. Chime, are you... Are you... You're married? No. Friso scribbles across something out in his little joke notebook. Yeah, if you did have a... Okay.

If you had a wedding, in fact, if you got engaged... Sure. And you were going to give the person who you were engaged to... My fiancé. Your fiancé. Uh-huh. A ring. Yeah.

Would that ring be like 14 carats, 22 carats? You had 15 minutes to go. Sorry. The chariots screech to a halt as they crest a hill in the desert and sand and sparks, it has to be said, fly from the rusty, ill-prepared axles of the chariots as you see as your eyes quickly adjust to the glare of the powerful sun of the desert perilous.

Sorry about that. The axles are ill-prepared. You see what must be Mirage, but you realize it is not a shimmering, beautiful blue oasis, an outcrop of white, pure rock that you can see in the sunlight has a beautiful statue of a woman with her arms outstretched, water trickling from the rock between her feet,

nourishing the oasis and a smattering of tense buildings and wagons around the water and sand as the figure of stanza standing beside you says 60 years ago in the dark of night elder creed stanza if you want to call him daddy you you can call him Daddy. Walked barefoot and without water in the darkest of the night. Usually when you tell this story, you say, Daddy did this and Daddy did that. For four days.

I feel like trying not to say Daddy is throwing you off. Usually when you say you got a rhythm. They said that he would die. They said that it was impossible. But when our... Now see, this is the thing. When Mr. Creed emerged from the desert six days later, he said that he had found water

and a powerful vision of the siren of the blank note. And he founded his sonic church. And he did amass his followers. And he did find money and support from the powerful patrons of House Casador, and this is our reward. This is our retreat. This is where that

beautiful rebirth of the Third Age will happen. Welcome to Daddy's Mansion. Daddy's Mansion. And there's a big statue. Yeah. And can I make a funny idea for the statue?

I don't see why not. I just think it'd be funny if the statue was pretty haphazardly made, but then you said there was water trickling through the feet, and the feet have a lot of attention paid to them, and are really detailed. It's like a Tarantino design for a statue.

It's like, who cares about the face and whatever else in the feet? The sculptors spent a lot of time on the feet. Totally going to allow that. Yeah, yeah. That's 100% what's happened. They're incredibly, incredibly anatomically horny feet.

Dave, can I do a religion check or a history check and see if I recognise the statue? It has to be history for you because you're born 800 years in the future. Maddie, try to keep up. So... What? 14.

14. Again, all all this is strange the sonic church of the siren is something that you've never heard of and yet

this is a powerful building you've heard of house cassador which is one of the foremost houses of carcosa you've heard

obviously of the desert perilous which is a the vast anorak desert that exists in your time. But there is no holy site in this desert. There's no site that any histories that you know of have ever told about.

Okay, so that siren's not someone we met once or something. Sort of fucking call back to season two or some shit. Well, again, it's very badly made, but if you recognise feet in a line-up... No, I think you've worked hard on the story, Dave. I think you've worked... Um, alright. Oh, pretty, uh, nice lady. Wow.

She got really nice feet. Who made that? As you... Yeah, where's the sculptor? Can we meet the sculptor? As you ask the question... Yeah, can we meet the sculptor? Is it Tom? The artist in residence is, of course, in her quarters, and you will meet her soon enough. But first of all, you step onto holy land. Please take off your shoes.

Take off your sandals. Oh, yeah. He'd like that. He'd like that. Yeah, I fell for that once before. Never again. Shoes stay on. No, I'll take mine off.

Sure, why not? You know, when in Rome. Friso takes his shoes off and hops down onto the sand and a figure of a young mid-twenties with a shock of red hair and again the same sort of patchwork clothes for the rest of them walks up to you, places a lay of desert flowers around your neck and then very ceremoniously

pulls out a small beautiful hat made of gold paper and places it on your head. Did I just get a little golden hat? How interesting. Anyone else taking off their shoes? Anyone else want to take off their shoes?

I was going to refuse to take my shoes off, but I will reconsider. Okay, so very quickly pulling up your giant dwarven steel-toed boot. You jump down and a quite apologetic cultist, I didn't say cultist, child, comes towards you apologetically with a lay of desert flowers. It's like, we normally have a lot more hats.

We just had this shipment from Mr. Shieldbearer's caravan just came through with all the bread and we're out of hats, but I can give you, don't be upset because I've got a special, and this is real we don't give these out to everyone

but here is a bit of string I took my shoes and all eight pairs of socks off and now that we've seen them honestly, you can put it back on I took my shoes and all eight pairs of socks off. And now that we've seen them honestly, you can put it back on. Okay, look, at this point I feel like I want to burst out a weapon or really just act out in some way. Well, you should follow your heart.

Great. That's Filch. I'm going to pull out my light crossbow and just go like Tropo. So who are you shooting at? You have to describe what go like Tropo means. Probably just a lot of like, give me the hat. Give me it. I want a hat.

That would suggest that you're pointing it at Friso. You're trying to rob the hat from me. I'm pointing it at everyone inside. I can't pick a target. It's you. It's you. I'm going to shoot you. I're trying to run that from me. I'm pointing it at everyone inside. I can't pick a target. It's you. It's you. I'm going to shoot you. I'm going to shoot you. I just, I saw it. Make an intimidation check. This is very intimidating. Roll. Against

what, Dave? Eleven. Well, I think actually that's contested by your bravery. Yeah, your, well, let's, I think we're, well, I don't know. What about deception? No, no, that's. Pretending to be brave. I want you to make a charisma save for me. Charisma save. Oh, let's... I think we're... Well, I don't know. What about deception? No, no, that's... Or pretending to be brave? I want you to make a charisma save for me.

Charisma save. Oh, that's easy. Ha-cha-cha. No, wait. No, no, no. No, not charisma. No, you said charisma. Charisma was wrong.

No, Dave, we're playing. Do we think constitutionality? No, we're playing. Alex, I'm sorry. Alex is yelling constitution. You think it's a... Oh, I'm sorry. Because it's your constitution on the heart.

It's a constitution save. Give me the hat! Give me the hat! Sale of the century rules, Dave. It's first answers. We're going with charisma. Okay, great. So you've just got...

Yeah, all right. So great. Now, you obviously have disadvantage. No, charisma... Well... Dave. All right, what do I need to beat, Dave? You have to beat...

13. And I'm constitution? No, I'll let you do charisma with disadvantage. Damn, yep, okay. Plus 10, 13 is what I got. Plus 10? My god. You rolled a 3? 3 plus 10 is 13.

You rolled a 3? Look at that, plus 10. I also rolled a lot of 12s. Okay, so what that means is in Dungeons & Dragons that absolutely nothing about the moment protected you or anything about your internal reservoir of fortitude, but something rote and mechanical that you have trained into your brain, you've hot-wired your brain over the last seven years

to protect you from this moment. So what does that look like? Do I cast invisibility on myself? If we're doing reactions, I guess that's what I do, Dave. But then I can just see a hat hovering in the air. No, I think we've talked about this before. I think when I go invisible, the spell does everything. I think that's what happens.

You're like, gimme, gimme, gimme. You spin and point your crossbow at Friso. But there hasn't been a Friso here in 30 years. As a nervous automatic reaction, he blinks out of existence. Can I try and calm Burpo down? Yeah, go for it. I like put

my hand on her hands, which are on the crossbow, and I say, Burpo, these hats are no good for you. You wait a long time to get new, nice little hat. These hats not for you. You wait a long time to get new nice little hat. These hats not good enough. You wait.

We promised you we'd make you the perfect hat. And that hat will come. Won't it, Bobby? It sure will. Bobby's been so quiet because he's been thinking about hats this whole time. What I'm thinking about... Tell me. What hat do I want, Bobby?

The way people think about hats. Isn't that right, Bobby? Yep. So what I'm thinking about is a brim. A really huge brim on a tiny hat. You're currently describing the hat

that Byron is wearing. No, no, no. I'm talking about a teacup with a hula hoop sized brim. Oh, that's nice. Hey guys, I don't want to, um, just quick point of order. What you're looking for, I'm sorry Ben, what you're looking for is a very flat disc with a bump. No, because the disc is very small. No, a very big disc. I'm so...

I mean... Well, no, here's my question to you then. Is that still a tiny hat to you or is that a big hat? Hey, guys, my dad's dying! I say take the proportions of that hat and shrink it down. Okay, so Byron goes to the wagon. He starts dragging a body away. Yeah, goes to the wagon.

He's like, no one's going to help me. I guess I'm just going to fucking walk home. This is how we're helping you, Byron. Maybe you could brainstorm hat ideas for what you want. My dad's dying. Oh, God. Fucking, all right. Jeez, right on. Is he always like this? I God. Fucking, all right. Jeez, right on, mate.

Is he always like this? I need, I need, no. That's a disappointed voice. You didn't say that. He just here. I'm Snow Hing. We've been playing this for seven years. Your good friend, Eden Lacey.

His character. Who has done this show for you since 2016 has left somebody just said oh god in the audience the idea that we do this for Hing like at some sort of like

shutter island sort of like Hing this is his Truman Show this isn't just Hing Hing's not the only one in trouble here but I'm never getting don't blame this on Hing. Hing's not the only one in trouble here.

But I'm never getting trouble. Don't blame this on Hing. I know how you all were. You're saying Hing a lot, so I'm feeling a lot of shame and guilt right now, Dave. Your friend, Eden Lacey. Okay, but just to remind you, I'm a guest. No, you're fine. You're fine.

Maddie, you're killing it. Maddie, when he's yelling, I want you to imagine that you have something to guard you, some sort of enormous brim that goes around you. This is like when you have a friend over and you can tell your parents are really mad at the friend, but they can't get the friend in trouble. They're just yelling you along.

I'm just trying to say that Eden is gone for now. He will be back soon, but he's not here. So we can't kill this character. He spent a long time doing this podcast, and I need one of you to pretend to care that

he's dying. Well, this character's not sure. I can't get it. Okay, alright. I would say I'll kill him, but I don't think it would matter. Alright, Dad, sorry, we care. This is how the dragon friends care. We care so much that we need the hat to be perfect because the hat...

Our love language is being stupid pricks. The hat represents our love of Bastogne And by extension Eden It's a promise we made to a quest I'm torn up We're torn up, aren't we? You love quests, Jay It's your favourite Doesn't he love

Alex, doesn't he love when he goes on a quest? He loves it when he's on a quest There's a tent next to the wagon And it has like a huge cross on it Bobby yells We need a cleric for our friend Oh Well done next to the wagon and it has like a huge cross on it. Bobby yells, we need a cleric for our friend. Oh.

Well done, Bobby. You get inspiration. And, uh, and Chime, Chime calls out, oh yeah, we got a real sick one here. We need the lead cleric.

Hey, toot toot. Toot toot. Now that's a sound. Oh yeah, you call for me? Yeah, and out of the tent comes... No, he's that guy. He's the guy you were doing. Is he a sexy fox?

Yeah, what animal is he, Dave? What animal? What fuckable animal is this? Toot toot. Yeah, toot toot. I gave him a big voice. He's a fir bog. He's like half giant.

He's got a little tree growing on his head. I thought they were all animals. Why did you think that? Why did you think that? What made you think that that was a rule? Because some of the guys were animals. One of the guys? But he was a sexy animal.

Do you want him to be an animal? We thought they'd get more animalistic and more sexy as the day went on. He's a rock steady. I bet Daddy is the bestest and most animalistic of them all. Wait. I've changed it. He's rock steady from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Which one is that?

He's a rhino. A rhino? Tom. He's swearing. He's got no shirt on. He's got no shirt on He's got no shirt on But he's got a bandolier with two grenades Right over his nipples

Is he as hot as the rhinos from Baba? Alex, Alex, Alex He's even hotter Alright, I'm listening, Dave He's got that Retex ass. Damn. That Retex is real 34. Let's go.

Chime, what are you doing? You were supposed to be working on patrols like a junior acolyte you're meant to be. I know I was working on patrols. You goofing off again? I'm not goofing off again. That's what we call jerking off. You're not meant to goof off.

I was doing patrols and I patrolled my way into these folks. Hey, I found Echo. Hot stuff. Yeah, that's you. Big fella with the horn. Enough chitting and chatting. I got a friend here who I care very much about we love him so much

yeah and we really don't want him to die we love all the things he's done in our fucking adventures so here's the thing his name's Bull we need help we just need you

to do your thing. You fix up our friend. And I will not maul you to death with my big maul. Okay, big buddy? Our Elder Creed had a simple message. That the Sonic Church would never turn down one in need. Provided that they were ready to do service for the church in turn. Yeah, we'll commit to do that.

That's fine. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, how long you need it for? Well, I haven't said yet, but... Until he gets back from America. Yeah, I mean, he a monk. He's very...

He studied monk stuff, so that's adjacent. Yeah. Make a persuasion check. I'm helping because I'm shouting. Well, you're just shouting. You're helping by shouting. I'm helping by shouting. Yeah, like anytime you're trying to persuade somebody, having a crazy person shout helps. No, I'm

shouting the last word of every sentence. I'm going to do what you want. You're doing Beastie Boys in this? I'm definitely doing Beastie Boys. Yeah. I'm going to do what... Listen here, you've got to help my friend. He'll stay with you to the very end. Cleaning, sweeping, cleaning the toilet.

Oh, well, you're going to rhyme toilet now, so I want to hear what this is. Get out the kettle and the water and boil it! Could he use his inspiration for that? Good rap. Yeah, basically, if you fix our friend, he's happy to be a servant for you guys like indefinitely. We care about him so much.

And then we'll come here. Koda, Sticcato, the twins, Piano and Forte, get over here. Don't boo me while I'm saving your friend's life. Take them to the pilgrim's quarters. He can rest here, but the rest of you, you're incurring a debt. I was just wondering, before I do that... What, is this piano? Chime, you're already on thin water. You've been on thick water.

You're standing in a shallow puddle, my friend. Sorry, sorry, no, this is, you're right, this is the twins, piano and forte. Don't talk to the, sorry. No, this is, you're right. This is the twins, Piano and Forte. Don't talk to the boss now. We've got to do what he says. Don't get your head down, mate. He said we want thin water. Yeah, he's going to drown us again.

Like he drowned us last week, mate. Come on. As you know, thin water is an expression in the desert. Is that like goofing off? There's thin water everywhere. Have you been goofing off? You got thin water all over the pilgrim's quarters. Hey, Toot Toot.

I know you're going to get mad about this. Hey, Kurt, I suggest another name because I think we can all agree Toot Toot that's a fucking great name it's a winner Toot Toot what about Honk Honk

alright me and me and Piano were just talking that's Forte you're Piano oh you forgot who you were

gay you dumb I didn't know about this we were just talking to Honk Honk and he said that the delivery, he said, he said, he said that the delivery didn't come. The shield bearer, he cut us off. What are you talking about?

Yeah, he ain't going to give us no food or medicine. Elder Creed wouldn't have allowed him that. No, he said, what do you do with Elder Creed? And no more hats. No. I walked so far through the desert. Yeah, he said that... I watched a man skin a mule.

He said that the church is... He put it on my head. But that wasn't a hat. That was just leather. Yeah, that sounds like that was just animal carcass. I came all this way and you people, I don't know what you're doing.

Sorry, what? If you've got something to say against the first sonic church of the siren... Oh, no. What did the priest teach me? Don't upset a cult. One of the first things you learn in priest school. Never piss off a cult.

Piano and Forte and the others are taking Baston away to the pilgrim's quarters. But the rest of you... Can I, as you do that, can I... Beep, beep, is that his name? Can I slip some money to Forte? No, it's toot toot and honk honk. Sorry. I'd like to just slip some money to Forte if he goes away, if I may have a chance.

You have a chance to have a quick conversation with Forte. Hey, buddy. Oh, what have I done wrong? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll kiss your feet. I'll do whatever you want. I mean, go nuts.

Stay away from her feet, Forte. Forte, you take good care of my friend. We'll be back for him. You take good care of him. If anything bad happens to him, I'm going to chop your head off. I'm quite confused. You're giving me

money to do something and then threatening me with... It's one of the ones... It's carrot and stick, baby. What did you say? I'm sorry. What was that? This is a group of people who worship feet. Why would you threaten to chop his head off?

It's going to be much more absurd. Then how's he going to look at feet? Oh, you can chop my head off. I don't mind about that. Just don't touch my feet. My beautiful feet. The rest of you are being led towards the centre of the oasis, and you can see now that there is one wagon,

and you don't need to make a perception check to see this. It's quite obvious. This is a fine wagon, a two-storey wagon that must have been once dragged by something like 10 or 12 camels to bring it here, now long departed, and it is beautifully painted in rich yellow and mustard tones that are already peeling in the wind. And there is four steps leading up to a red peeling painted door

as Honk Honk. Who are you talking about? Ritaxis is Toot Toot. Yeah, Ritaxis is Toot Toot. Toot Toot flourishes his hand and says, The Mistress Cassador awaits. Mistress Cassador? Mistress Cassador.

She might be a sexy fox. From the house, Cassador, mayhaps? Yeah. That's how surnames work. The siren of the blank note so no no that's their god as i said you recognize cassador cassador is one of the um houses of carcosa which is something that you had learned from your book about that noble house of strad it's this is the cursed city that was destroyed many years ago in your timeline. We'll go have a chat with her.

You walk into the caravan with Frieza. Knock, knock, knock. That's another noise, Dave. Did somebody say my name? It's me and my two brothers. Knock, knock. Knock and knock arise.

Wait, what's your name? Knock. And your two brothers are Knock and Knock. I'm Knock! And I'm Knock. So there's three of you. What the fuck don't you get about us, Chaser? I got two brothers.

All our names are Knock. I got shit to do. I'm a plumber here. And I got, there's only three of us. All three of you are called Nock. No, what don't you get? This is my brother Nock. I'm gonna fuck this guy up. I don't give a shit. Nock, don't do it. It's not even worth it.

I'm gonna kick him with my beautiful big foot. His stupid, stupid mouth. Leave it in there. Let it pickle. Put some brown in that mouth and let my foot pickle. Did you say you were knocking on the door? Knock, knock. A voice emerges.

Yeah. And she's all like... Sorry about that. My mouth was full of jubes. Dave, what kind of animal is this person? A human animal. Ooh. But you don't actually know.

I'm also a human. You actually don't know because you walk into the door and you see... No, it's... Also a great sound! Another great sound! It's one of them, it's a saloon door. And as you walk through the door, you walk into the door and walk through the door, you see that the entire ground floor of this wagon has been tunneled out to create what seems to be a massive art studio.

There are paints everywhere, there are pigments, there are canvases, and there is a figure standing in front of a giant canvas, her body obscuring what she's painting. And she turns to look at you, and you do not know in that moment, Friso, what type

of animal she is, because the face that turns to you is in a beautiful lacquered mask of paper and wire. You're the artist, mistress. Yes, I do some painting. I do some painting and I do lots of I do dioramas. She has some shoeboxes next to her. Did you do the statue

outside? Oh, yes. I look around and Dave, I look around and what are all the paintings of? While you're doing this, I will say that Burpo, Bobby and Filch all enter. Byron and

Monsieur Duniface have gone with Bastogne's body. Monsieur Duniface, did he eat a croissant day? As the rest of you crowd into it and you can see now that there is a universal motif in much of the art, which is what you would assume.

But there is a motif in most of the art around the studio that you would expect. And I won't diminish your intelligence or the podcast's intelligence by saying what it is. Please, this cat about his shoes off. Oh, these are all paintings of foot. But I will say that this motif is not present in the work that she is working on now, which is a figure of a beautiful young woman with straw-coloured hair holding an identical mask, the mask that she's holding in her lap, sitting in a chair.

And it's like ankle up, I guess, or what? No, it's torso. Can you make for me, quickly, a perception investigation? Looking at a painting check. Or insight. Like a wicky feet check? Is that what... Just whatever you're feeling, man.

What am I doing, Dave? Perception or investigation. That's nine, plus whatever's highest. Actually, everyone that entered can make this roll. Twelve in total, Dave. Well, that sucks. Ooh, Maddie got 18. Hang on. I can announce

my own numbers. Thank you. I'm sorry. I got 18. Fuck you, Maddie. Anyone else? I didn't come with this. I'm not gonna. No, don't worry, nothing. I'm a guest. As you're all looking bobby, Burpo nudges you in the ribs and points

at the figure of the beautiful young girl with straw hair. Burpo, you realise how her body is almost sort of identical in height and stature to the figure of this quite older, matriarchal-looking woman. She's painting a self-portrait? Yep, a younger version of herself. Although it's hard to tell because she doesn't have the mask. She does have the mask. And you can see that she's sitting in a chair with the same mask on her lap.

And there is a man behind her with two hands resting on her lap and there is a man behind her with two hands resting on her shoulders. But you nudge Bobby and point as if something draws your eye that you do not know what it is, but you assume it is significant. And Bobby, you see that she, Burpo, he is pointing at a ring

that is held in the man's, that is worn on the man's fingers of a brilliant blue gemstone that you recognise. What's up with that, Bobby? Petrina? It's the stone of Sergei Vanzarevich that you saw from the missing... It's in and it's being worn by the man in the painting.

In the painting that this figure is drawing. The man in the painting? The young person in the painting? The young woman has a man with his hands on her shoulders. It's the torso. If you can imagine a frame that is higher than the feet, it's like from mid-thigh to neck. Right.

And her hands are on the shoulders, and one is wearing a ring. Okay. Dave's said before the town that we went to was called Dorian. Yes? Yes. Dorian Gray

is that fucking Oscar Wilde book? Right? So she's painting herself young to stay old. Yes. The opposite of Dorian Gray. Exactly.

Yeah. Sorry, Tom. Yes, you had a thought? Dorian Gray Exactly Yeah Sorry Tom Yes you had a thought Dorian's also a scale What's it a scale of? Music You fucking idiot Tom

You get A dice of inspiration You can play the secret notes now. Dave, is this Petrina? Ask her. This figure is wearing a mask. Bobby out loud says, Petrina. And she kind of freezes and sort of turns to you and shakes her head.

And she says, no. But like, really? Where did you come by that name, though? Well, if you know the man in the picture, you will have heard of us. I will remind you, but just so you're clear, that the stone is worn in a ring. You recognised it as the stone

that Sergei wore in his cravat pin I am familiar with the name Petrina she was I knew somebody of that name when I was and she gestures to the painting a little younger than this have I told you

about my dioramas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I made one that is a hospital. This one is a squirrel in a little house. This one I call the aquarium. You see, what I did is I took blue crepe paper. That is the water, you see. What have you cellophane?

Are there any people in your dioramas? Yes, this is a little guy. blue crepe paper. That is the water, you see. What have you cellophane? Are there any people in your dioramas? Yes, this is a little guy. What's the little guy wearing? He's wearing a little hat. And you can see that there is a... Where are we talking? Do you know the diorama that... You know the diorama that Lisa Simpson does

of the Telltale Heart in The Simpsons? Don't make me admit in front of an audience that I've never watched The Simpsons. Well, do I have some great original jokes for you after the show? There's a little cardboard figure wearing a tiny little top hat. Yes, this hat here, it took me a very long time to craft. It is the tiniest hat I have ever seen. What do you want for it? Oh, is it something that you desire?

More than almost anything. Oh, well, and she just takes it, plucks it up and says, In this church, if you desire something, if you need something, it is given to you. So, uh, point. Thank you. And as she goes on to say, the rest of you, I understand you desire something too.

I think I've worked it out. Oh, okay. That's a fucking normal thing to say to someone. Hing, tell us what you want. Do you want to do a huddle? Or are you going to say it? You want a huddle? Yeah, let's huddle.

Okay, huddle. Excuse us. Don't mind. Fucking don't mind me. to say it you want to huddle yeah let's huddle okay excuse us don't mind fucking don't mind me it's a very small wagon to do a huddle in are you inviting

actually would you just step outside the wagon yeah yeah fuck me I guess are you inviting Burpo into the huddle yeah yeah

Burpo whatever I reckon I reckon because if if the picture is young and it's stopping her from getting young Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I reckon, I reckon, because if the picture is young and it's stopping her from getting young and keeping her old... That's what you said. It's a beautiful mind.

That's what you said before. I was joking because you made a bad guess. No, go on, Hing. Don't let them bully you. I want to hear where this is going. Maybe, because Dave's probably been watching a bunch of old movies or whatever. Maybe she has, like, Benjamin Button disease. That's not an old movie!

And Hing, you have the studio. She's gone, so you can do anything you want. You're in front of the picture. What do you mean? What do you mean? Do you think I'm going to goof off? What the fuck? What the fuck, man?

We look more... My mistake here, in this instant, was thinking that I could speak Hing, and I cannot. Dave, we look at the picture. Yeah. Can I do more looking at picture checks? Yeah.

Yeah, you can because she left. You convinced her to leave because you made it awkward by having an alienating conversation about her. Okay, but guys, while we're looking at stuff, she says she knew Petrina. That's the body we're looking for to stop the war to get back to where we're going. Okay?

She's from the house of Carcosa. Petrina is from Carcosa. You just hear from... Is everything okay in there? No, keep talking. Is somebody goofing off in there? Yeah, she's from the house of Carcosa. Who else do we know

from the house of Carcosa? Petrina is from the house of Carcosa. It else do we know from the House of Carcosa? Katrina is from the House of Carcosa. It is her body that is missing that has started this, continues this war. So we need to ask her where the body is, find the body, end the war, get the egg, get the fuck out of here. Let's go. Can I come in now? Yes, you're welcome back.

Is this lady that evil spaceship we were on that time? Hello, what a strange thing to say. Oh my God, is it Casilda? Are you Casilda? Make an insight check, everybody. Insight, insight, insight,

insight. 17 plus 5 is 22. I am so insightful, Dave. I understand everything. The universe reveals its secrets to me. People don't know listening at home, but Dave's DM screen is askew terribly. And he has poured red wine into his whiskey.

Dave has just spilled some liquid on his laptop and he's pinching the bridge of his nose. But Dave, I rolled a 22. Secrets of the universe, please. Because you're so insightful, because you understand the human condition, because you read those tiny emotional cues that normal fucking people use to talk,

you, Friso, notice that when the name Casilda is said to her, she bristles. Some rockets come out of her feet and then she... And a shape not unlike the emotion of fury ripples across her face. She's wearing a mask. Wearing a mask, Dave. And travels through her face. She's wearing a mask. Wearing a mask, Dave. And travels through her shoulders into her knuckles

before she immediately recovers. But you see it. What'd you do? What was that? No. As she says, No. No?

Did you say Catherine? So you have no plans to be a spaceship in 800 years? She seems to visibly relax. It's like somebody thought that somebody was onto them before they realised they're fine. Do you find our little friend attractive? What was that?

I said, do you find my little friend attractive? And then she seems to notice Bobby for the first time. She says, hello there little, little breadcrumb. Damn.

Bobby, get them shoes off buddy There is something about you That I cannot I wish to paint you Or Fuck you All of you

If you would prefer If you need Cut to Titanic Fuck me like one of your freaking house Yes If you would prefer. If you need. Cut to Titanic. Fuck me like one of your freaking girls. Yes. This will work. This will work.

You may stay here as the patron of the Sonic Church. Not its leader, but its patron. I acquiesce. You may all stay here and your friend shall see no harm. He will receive the finest of care and you need not worry that we are looking after him. What a strange thing

to say. Imagine going to a doctor and the doctor says, you need not worry that we are looking after him. If that were me, I would be fucking off really quick. But I require... I require...

She's saying this to herself. She spends a lot of time by herself in the caravan. And she says, but I require a service from you. A different service as those each shall serve by the measure of their means. We got all types of services here, lady.

We have a young child here. Barely 22 summers. By the name... How many moons is that? By the name of Chime. Oh, yeah. They are so smart. They are so smart they are so willing but they have yet to understand the rapture

of the sound you must take them on a mission for the church you must protect them this church is nothing without its youngest members we must must survive, and to survive, we must invite the young to partake in the sacrament of the sound. Do you understand? Got it. 60%? Bobby, you have a different mission. Eat my pussy!

I must paint you. Imagine Ethan Hunt getting that. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to eat my pussy. Takes the sunnies off. Just lowers from the ceiling and dangles there. Eating the pussy. Tom Cruise does all his own stats, Benny.

Very well. You say that... This is a holy work, you understand. If one... This is a... This community has a desire, then one... This is a holy work, you understand. If one... This is a... If one community has a desire, then one... This is a holy work. Has simply to ask.

The spirit of the siren shall flow through me. I will see what must be painted and you will help me understand it. You understand? And you will allow our friend Bobby to ask as many questions as he pleases. Of course. Yeah, like, do you like this? An artist is nothing without a communion with their muse.

I will be as an open canvas to Bobby as Bobby is... Oh, Bobby, you don't have to do this. No, let's get goofy. So the compact is made, and as night falls, you are all fed a meal of wild desert mushrooms. And it has to be said meat, but there is... It has to be said. Keep there is It has to be said

Keep going. No, because meat is like hard to find. It's not like lizard They are importing meat Lizards are meat But also finally one of the kids stands and comes by and puts on everyone's plate the tiniest

sliver of bread and looks at you all apologetically about like a sixteenth of a loaf. And as night falls, Chime arrives to take the dragon friends forward. Chime. Hey guys, just before you go away. Sure, Burpo. I'd just like to,

look, you've become like really good friends to me. Bobby, Friso, the other one. good friends to me. Bobby, Friso, the other one. I feel like someone not knowing your name might make you angry. Yeah, this does not happen to old Filgy very often.

Filge, Filge, of course. Yeah, yeah, whatever, fuck it. Hey, and... Look, you seem like great people, but I've got a little hat. And the bread is not forthcoming, and I can make my own bread from magic spells. So I reckon I'm going to just tap out.

Burpo, before you go, you want this hat, right? You would love this golden, tiny hat. This beautiful, golden hat upon my head. The tiny hat from the diorama feels like a consolation prize. I will admit that. Could I trade you this hat, this tiny, beautiful golden hat, for a simple pork bun?

Dave? I'm going to allow it. Wait, are you just going to keep that in your back pocket? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Until we meet, like, the villain or some shit, and Ben's got to do a voiceover. And so, picture, if you will, in hospitable desert,

impenetrable by man, rabbit folk folk or sexy rhino combined. A place where no mortal creature could find comfort. And yet, life has been found here. Faith has been secured here. A cult has flourished in the scorching heat. That first sonic church of the siren has grown and flourished, not just in all impossibility, but in defiance of the official history of these forgotten realms. The dragon friends have found themselves in times most inhospitable, in fates most curious, and yet they have found two simple missions they must secure in which to find further clues. One, they must travel with the young Chime to find the source of a simple spiritual quest that might yet bring a child into the mercy of their church.

This is grammatical edging. I can't. Secondly, Secondly, one is going to embark upon what is presumably a quite sexy group of drawings about a halfling with his shoes off. Thank you! Woo! The cast of Dragon Friends for this month is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing, with special guest Maddy Parker. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy.

Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive

content every other week. Until next time! Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Don't worry don't worry cause that's what time travels for

you can always go back and try again and if you go back and kill your friends you can always go back an extra few seconds

you can always go back and Stanza says I'm sorry this is all the bread we get we don't truck with the bread crampers here. It's against our religion.

Baffling reference for not just international, but really any listener. Are you to tell me that that will be cut from the podcast? Am I to understand that? For the benefit of our international listeners, Ben had a funny bit where he got a friend to take his shirt off and run through the audience throwing loaves of bread at them. And if that sounds crazy, that's just a thing that happened and I have to live with it.