Dragon Friends - #8.11. Son of Bonker

Episode Date: August 21, 2022

The Dragon Friends have another fork in their ever deepening quest to return home. Can they help a young rabbit solve an ideological food shortage without unnecessary violence and jingle related tangentsEditor's Note - The Draggoes realised halfway through recording that they swapped Chime's pronouns from previous episodes. Instead of considering this a mistake, we just consider Chime a trans icon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Did you just call our audience fucked little losers? Did I? I think I said soft. I think I said soft. Oh yeah, man who's taking medication for his asthma comes out and calls everybody fucking nerds. Love it! Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry, don't worry, yeah, cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again

And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds And always go back The first sonic church of the Siren, a tiny refuge amidst the dry and perilous sands of the desert Anorak sandwiched itself between Carcosa and Barovia two nations very much at war at the sonic church that war can be forgotten if just for a moment pilgrims misfits and adherents of the sound have flocked here a new congregation

for a new world also arriving here are the dragon friends, who have found the church while on a mission of your own to find a missing corpse that might yet end this world-defining war. That body, the body of Petrina Velikovna, must be recovered if peace is to be brokered, and you have all found a significant clue. A masked Carcassian gentlewoman named Mistress Cassidor seems implicated somehow and Bobby

she has taken a special shining to you. A wooga. Hubba hubba. Do you want us to keep doing that? I don't like it. Can you think of any other horny noises though? A wooga and hubba hubba? Yeah.

Classic. That is the classic. It's a classic for a reason. At the same time, Mistress Cassador has put Filge, Friso, and Byron on a quest of their own to take the young priestling Chime on an ordained mission out into the desert with a promise that she will treat the wounded Bastogne Indrirovich in return. The shadows grow long, the hour grows late. Bobby, for now, remains in Mistress Cassidor's wagon,

while the rest of you head outside, where you can see, by the silhouette of a wagon of its own on the dune, your friend Chime waiting for you with a strange metal implement in her hands. Or paws, I should say, because she's a little rabbit folk, if you remember. Yes. Yes. Friend is a strong term.

Barely collie. Howdy, friends. Hello there, Chime. What you got there? A metal object? That's pretty cool, isn't it? A metal object? That's pretty cool, isn't it?

Well, I was going to show you all in due time, but since you asked, it's my special gift to myself. Oh, and what do you call it? It's a crossbow. Chime pulls back a little scrap of fabric and you can see a carcasson flechette, which is a sort of wicked... Flechette.

It's a barbed... It's a French child's bow and arrow. It's like a repeater crossbow but it slings flechettes which are razor sharp quarrels. Six of those words

I didn't understand. Oh, you know... It's a fantasy machine gun, Hing. Thank you. Excuse me, Chime. Yeah? You said you bought yourself a gift. What was the occasion?

Oh, well, this is my first mission out. Oh, okay. And what, I thought this was going to be like a spiritual thing, but you got a big old crossbow. Oh, it's very spiritual. What are you going to, what are you hunting with that thing? Oh, no, see, the church makes us arm ourselves so we don't use the weapons. The church makes us arm ourselves so we don't use weapons.

Is that like... What are you... So it's a self-restraint thing. Well, you see, if you resort to non-violence and you don't have a weapon, well, that hardly counts, does it? But if you've got... I see. have a weapon well that hardly counts does it but if you've got i see so this is like this is so you're saying this is like a test it's like if we were to make like a

if you and i were to make like a celibacy pact or something and then go to a a convention or something well yeah or if you wanted to make a cellar spiffy pack and it turned out you didn't even have a dick. Oh, I see. Yeah, no, yeah. Easy to be celibate if you've got no... Are you done talking to the child? Child did you say?

Yeah, just how many summers is this rabbit? This rabbit is like 19. 19 summers or moons? That's very important, Sam. It's very important. Sum 19. Summers or moons? That's very important, Dave. It's very important. Summers. Summers. Okay.

Make for me. Can you make for me? Because you're having the conversation. An insight check. DC 15. Ooh. Fail, Dave. Absolute fail.

Okay. In that case, never mind. But I will draw your attention to there's's another figure, which is sitting solemnly with a huge desert scarf wrapped around powerful shoulders who are holding the reins of the wagon that otherwise has seats on the side for all of you. Hello there, rider. Carriage rider?

Driver. Driver. Is this what you're saying? Yeah, we're workshopping before we go. What do you reckon? Driver? Rider? What about...

What's up? What's up? What's up? Okay, ready? We walk over together. One, two, three. What's up? Driver?

The figure turns to look at you. I'm so glad we started workshopping these things. Oh, so good. The figure turns to look at you and you see the face for the first time, a powerful face, a half-orc face, a face that has clearly seen not that many moons or suns but enough to drive a wagon responsibly. Welcome to the stage, the face that that body is on,

or a person, I suppose. Who's Tom Garty? Yay! Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. I would say the best Tom to ever do Dragon Friends. Would we all agree? This is our favourite Tom that's ever done Dragon Friends. Oh, absolutely.

Let's all go on the record now and say this is the best Tom. The very best Tom. I would say Tom Garty, number one. Close second, Tom Lowndes. And then sort of daylight to other Toms. Basically, basically. So yeah, they've turned around to you and said, what's up? What's up?

What's up, indeed, my friends. My fellow friends, my dudes. Are you open free right now? I'm free. You want to give us a ride? Absolutely. That's what I'm here to pay for. Oh, we hired you.

Well, you know. Tom, did you say your character was a fucking half-orc? Wow. Step your arse to toes. Is that cool?

There's kind of already a half-orc in the Dragon Friends. It just seems like an interesting choice. Yeah, I made a big bold choice since I moved to the adults

table. Yeah. It's good. We all love Yeah we love it Alex I can play this Any way you want me to Like is there

You don't want me to be an orc No no no You do whatever you want You do whatever you I already drew the picture So Yeah we're already going Back in time

Well actually talking of that Tom Why don't you describe The character for us Okay so I got that big ass I think I do have a big ass But I got that I got that big ass scarf around my powerful shoulders. You got an ass that goes all the way to the ground? Yeah. I got... no legs. I'm just ass.

No, he's got legs, but behind the legs is ass. Like he can recline standing up. Pendulous. It's like the chair that Homer invents. If you push him over, his ass kind of on a right angle. I've got a beautiful kind of red hair. I've got that little sort of one pigtail coming off the back. A head that would look great with a fedora. But not currently.

I can't imagine that head. You don't think quite hard enough, Michael. It's true, sorry. And what is your character's name, Tom? My character's name is... Oh, we should ask. We should ask in the game, the Dungeons and Dragons game. How should we ask him how to write his name?

He seems very cool. Yeah, very cool. Well, I mean, you have a tendency to try and fuck the character's top legs. I'm just trying to make him feel included. Just once, I'd like someone to not fuck me as a welcome. You guys look like you want to know something. Donk Bonkerson at your service. I flick a fucking playing card at you that spins around the room.

What? Yeah. Did you say Donk? Donk Bonkerson. The? Donk Bonk, the magnificent Donk Bonkerson if you must know. The magnificent.

And he throws another playing card at you which smacks you on the forehead. Yeah, that one says magnificent. Ow! And then has it

got a picture of him on it? Yeah, and he's like clicking his fingers and pointing the gun at you. Donk Bonkerson. He flicks another

card at you. It really hurts. Wait, every time we say his name does he flick a card? Did you say your name was Donk Bonkerson He flicks another card at you It really hurts Dave Wait every time we say his name Does he flick a card Did you say your name was Donk Bonkerson I got one for every letter

Is it that like thing Of like British surnames Where like It's the name You're the son of Bonker From a long line of Bonkers Yeah His father was the village Bonker

That's what I'm getting at. So, I'm guessing that Magnificent is his name and so he's got a

Magnificent in his title. He's throwing cards at us. Am I sensing a doer of tricks? Yes, I suppose I suppose driving's one thing I'd do but, you know,

it's not the calling if you were wondering. You guys seem pretty cool so if I could get those cards back I suppose driving's one thing I do, but it's not the calling. If you were wondering, you guys seem pretty cool, so if I could get those cards back. And he clicks his fingers. Clicks his fingers and they all spin back into his hands. Surely he has to roll for that. Yeah, I think he does.

Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, well, unless you're casting a spell, or you're trying to do this with sleight of hand. Unless it's sleight of hand. Or if they're like fishing line. Yeah, it's all fishing line. There was just a gun behind my ear. Fuck, this is so good. I used to do this with a sleight of hand? This is sleight of hand. Or is it like fishing line? Yeah, it's all fishing line. It's just a gum behind my ear. Fuck, this is so good.

I used to do so much magic. I'm so sad for this. Legitimate, man. Sleight of hand. So roll for me. Yeah, yeah. DC 19. Okay, he flicks his hand and you hear a breaking string and then all three decks of cards

accidentally spit out of his hand and go everywhere. Shit. Oh, fuck. Shit. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. For a second.

I close my eyes. Please. Please close your eyes. Yeah. Okay. Open. Chime is sitting meanwhile polishing the flechette. I think we're all ready to go.

Yeah. Can I just check? Tommy, is your character an Uber driver who does magic is that what this is You'll have time to talk we've got a little bit of a ride ahead of us

Did we receive some instructions for where we're going Oh of course this is a God quest and y'all can help me Yeah You're saying God God

A God's quest this is a quest It's a Gord quest A Gord quest We need to get some pumpkins. Chime is being ordained into the Sonic Church, and you can see now that Chime is wearing a small clay medallion in the figure of the siren, which she wasn't wearing before.

Are you hungry, Chime? No, why? Okay. Donk, you hungry? I could always go for food. I got this pork bun. You interested in a pork bun at all? Donk?

Nah, I'm good. Now, obviously, Tom has to roleplay this. Does Donk want the pork bun? As the musician, I don't listen to a lot of what you guys say, but last session I did remember something about that pork bun. Eat not the pork bun! Eat not the pork bun. You know, I better save my appetite.

Who knows where we're going? I would hate to vomit up, unfortunately. That was a sinister way to say that. He likes to be cheeky and mischievous. Filch, did it ask your time where you were going? Yeah, we're going to see a man. There's an issue with the church currently and vis-a-vis our supply of food.

And we're going to rectify that. Okay, that doesn't sound very spiritual. That sounds like an administrative task. Oh, but it is tremendously spiritual because we are being denied our food on spiritual grounds. Oh, okay. All right. So what, we go to the shop? Yeah, do you remember last night there was very little bread that was being handed out?

There was talk that the bread shortages had occurred throughout the retreat? This is tied into that. So Chime has been sent on a quest to prove her faith to the Sonic Church. We're just going to go talk to the man by the name of Chaff. Chaff. Chaff. Chaff. Oh, because bread weighs chaff.

I see what you're doing. Okay. His name's Chaff Shields. His name's what? Chaff Shields. His name's what? Shields. Chaff Shields. The Shield Bearer? Chaff, the Shield Bearer.

I'm just so giddy with excitement that I'm just forgetting where my little buddy butt is. It's here! Well, let's head on over to Chaff the Shield Bearer's. Yeah, we're going to shake him down. Yeah, so why is Chaff the Shieldbearer denying you food on spiritual grounds? Oh, it's a long story. I can tell you in the card.

And with that, Chime hops up beside Donk Bonkerson, who cracks the reins, having successfully lodged, it seems like a spring, and three decks of cards back into their sleeve. Yeah, really pushing them in there. Really making room with a dove that's stuck up my sleeve as well.

There's a dove as well? Boneless dove stuck up my sleeve. Why does the dove Boneless dove rat is like a bunch of just old parking tickets and just scarves. Just like full length scarves. The horse! The scarves. Onward horse!

The horse takes off. All of you are joining on this God's Quest. You head up into the wagon and crest the dune and are on your way to Lorc, six hours to the east. Meanwhile... I can't help but feel like I've been left behind to have sex with Ben. In a decadent...

Now it's Dave's turn to win In a decadently appointed carcasson wagon The figure of Bobby Pancakes Is sitting on a small wooden stool In front of Mistress Cassidor Who is currently preparing Two pipes of yellow powder Yes

What's that? Oh, don't you know two pipes of yellow powder. Yes. What's that? Oh, don't you know? Don't you know what this is that I'm doing? Oh, how embarrassing for you. First I thought you were mixing pigments to paint my beautiful... What I was trying to do for you there, Simon, was drawing a veil over the scene

Time's passed But if you'd like we can go back No I'm not Don't let me stand in the way of what you want to roll Wait wait wait So what you're saying is Wait but what's the implication? They're like your cigarette smoking bed after you fuck

But I didn't make I didn't have any agency in this No no no You did You've spent a few hours I mean I'll have sex with Ben Sure Sure No no no I mean you've not made did, you've spent a few hours. I mean, I'll have sex with Ben. Sure.

Sure. No, no, no. I mean, you've not made a stone. You've had a few hours with Mistress. Mistress Cassador said that she wanted to paint you. Uh-huh.

She makes dioramas and you've spent a few hours with her and I assume she's painted you. Okay, good. Yeah. I don't understand

what yellow powder is and what that has to do with painting or anything. This is just, this is carcass and pipe weed essentially so she hands you a small pipe Right, okay and notices that you seem to be quite uptight at the moment I need a massage

Thank you for letting me paint you No problem Do you like what I have done with the paint on the canvas? What's it like? Oh, yeah, what's it like? Well, it's a very large canvas

and it's remarkable, I would say. It's not like a painting that you've ever had before. Can I roll for the horniness level of the painting? Yeah, I think that's a good idea. So that's... Out of 20, I guess? Yeah, it's a D20. Just roll for me.

That's a one. Actually a one. As you can see, what I have done is I have taken your form and I have put clothes on it. And then on top of those clothes, I have put clothes on it. And then on top of those clothes I have put clothes. And then on top of those, it looks like you're at the

snow. It seems crazy then that you asked me to take off my clothes in the first instance. She painted you in the nude, but she's painted you wearing three sets of clothes. This is how it works. I need to understand what I am going to drape many clothes on you and then also put you behind the door.

It's a painting of a door. It's a painting of a powerful door. But look at the engraving work on the door. You also notice that a lot of her paintings are doors. I just feel like I didn't have to be here for this. I mean, don't get me wrong. I loved sitting perfectly still for how many hours was it? It was seven hours.

Seven hours. I love that. Oh, sorry. Have you been to Lorke Community Art College? Sorry, I thought I would have seen you there at Lorke Community Art College because you're talking so much about how you can and cannot paint, so I assume that you are, too, an alumni of that community art college. I guess you could say that I'm more of an outsider artist.

I'm self-taught. Well, maybe you'd like to be outsider artist this wagon. What are you trying to do here, Simon? Are you trying to make Mistress Cassidor mad? Are you trying to give genuine art criticism? Have we had any rapport over the seven hours? Hasn't it been established in the last episode that they do

like each other and they were horny for each other? There is something about you, tiny man, that I am drawn to, but also something that repels. The uncannies. She walks up towards you and she places

the pipe delicately between your lips can I ask you about I mean I know that the house of Cassidor is one of the the high houses of the

Carcossans and I knew a Carcossan once oh well yes I mean that is my old life and I am flattered that you have heard of my house it is a very fancy place yet you still wear the mask oh yes that is just a custom that I have adopted out here in honour of the siren. And she says that she actually places her hand over the lacquered full face mask that she's wearing. And you hear a click and the entire bottom half of the mask comes away. So now she's only wearing a half mask. She places it down delicately and begins to smoke her own yellow pipe weed.

Smoking. Awuga. This is an old... Do you know the Carcolson language? I mean, it's like a beautiful song but I don't speak it. We have a saying. It goes

boyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy boyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy that you know maybe I used to move in very good circles so perhaps her name was Casilda she was um do you mean Lenny Casilda Lenny Phil Casilda late lady Casilda Oh late no there was a man called Phil Casilda. What that is. Dave, should we be writing down? Don't write down. Please. I don't understand anymore what's going on. Phil Casilda.

All right. The puzzle pieces are falling into place. I guess. Being bad of the season, I reckon. Well, you're trying to get some information out of it. Make for me a little persuasion check. DC 15. All right. So once we get to roll again, because reckon. Well, you're trying to get some information out of it. Make for me a little persuasion check. DC 15. Alright, so one's we get to roll again because I'm lucky. That's a...

It says M19. It can't. Your dice says an M? Yeah, it says M19. Is an M maybe the Roman numeral for a thousand? Yeah, you rolled a thousand and nineteen. Good one! That must be pretty good.

Then you will learn all there is to know about Phil Casteldao. Dave, you've got to do that thing where you drive the character. Yeah, I think it's important. All right. She looks at you and she says, I do not know where you have heard this name. Ben, don't help me. She goes on to say... This is a cursed name.

This is a dead name. This name was scoured from the Book of Tongues. This is not a name of my people anymore. Dave, what does Phil Casilda do for work he's a builder Phil Phil Casilda's a builder yeah yeah Phil Casilda's building that's what he's horrible catchphrase Casilda is a name as that has been scoured from the book of tongues it is now a c horrible catchphrase? Phil Casilda, he'll build ya. Wait, so in this situation, he builds people?

Do we want to play Dungeons and Dragons or not? I just don't understand the catchphrase. I said it was horrible. Yeah, but if it was like, hey, it's Phil Casilda, he'll build it for ya, that kind of, he'll build it. Yes, that would be better, but Phil Casilda is a fucking idiot. He's a real fuckwit, you know. There is a... I'm doing it now. I'm doing it properly. Don't get mad and take my microphone away.

I think I know where you're riffing. This is a name that has not been held in earnest except for Phil Casilda for generations. People speak of a lady Casilda for generations. People speak of a Lady Casilda but it is a story

to frighten little birds off your lawn to say get away from my peach tree or Lady Casilda will come. Ben, I think for a second you were trying to help

and you're getting stuck in a rip. Is Lady Casilda full of straw with butter knives? This was the name of an ancient pregenitor, one of the builders, the founders of this city. She who raised the corpulent yellow towers from the Icarus shore. She who built our city and then betrayed it. Since then, her name is nothing to us.

It is anathema on our tongues. It is a nameema on our tongues. It is a name that is a cipher, an empty name. A name that you would give to an enemy, to a rival. It is a name of shame. It is not a name of a person anymore. Okay, cool. I'm sorry.

I understand that I am unreasonably worked up about this. I have this weird jingle in my head. You can't possibly understand. How does it go? Oh, boy, I wish I could get this building finished. We've been waiting for six months. We've got council approval and everything. Wait a second. I know who to call.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep! A-bring-bring! A-bring-bring, Dove! Hey! If you have a problem... Pick up the dove right on the dove That is Casilda's name. She's clearly... Okay, look, it's just a...

She's got a lot on. I was just making conversation. I guess... I guess what I really wanted to ask is... But she's too upset and she leaves. I feel like that was my scene and we left early because Ben was being silly and I didn't even do anything wrong. No, but I didn't have sex with him.

She's so... March right back in there and have sex with Ben. Have sex with him! She's so non... March right back in there and have sex with Ben. She's so nonplussed that she walks and leaves her own wagon, walking out the door. Can I look around for clues? Yeah, you can look through the many paintings of doors,

make an investigation check. So, what about that one that has a picture of Petrina or the person with the jewel? Yeah, absolutely. That's a three. Okay. That's a three. Okay. That's a three. Do you know, I did give you, I've been meaning to say this.

Oh, yeah. I did get a... Inspiration. You haven't used it yet. Let's do it. It's a one. I get to roll again because I'm unlucky. I'm lucky.

It's a, what is it, perception? It's an investigation check. Investigation check. You rolled a three. You rolled a one. It's a 12. And a 12. You don't find shit.

Oh, fuck me what a cool time but you do have the wagon yourself you can see her mask you can see the things that are obviously there what's this um um pipe good there is a bag of yellow powder and i've got in my mouth i'm puffing it you are oh you're you are smoking it i mean she, she put it in my mouth. You die. I'm inhaling. Okay, great. All right. So the aroma of it is strangely familiar to you and bizarrely comforting, even though you can't quite place where you've smelled it before. And the smoke is eddying around the room, filling it with a kind of cloying smell of cloves as the door swings shut. And Ben, are you quite all right?

Just laughing about Phil Casilda. I was trying to keep it to myself. And that's all the time we have, Simon. Meanwhile. Sure glad I didn't go on that ride with my friends. Four hours along the way. Yeah, we're driving. And Dave, I'm going to do a perception check to see if I can see anything on the road.

I rolled an 18 plus perception, so that's a... It's 19. And Dave, on the horizon, I see a billboard for a building company. Yeah, and we turn to Donk. Say, hey, Donk, does this guy really do one building free? Is that credit force building free, Donk Say Hey Donk Does this guy really do One building free? Is that credit for us Building free Donk? Is that how it works?

Yeah it's incredible In fact I used it last week To build my own Magic Emporium Oh no way Donk you own a Magic Emporium? Yeah

But I was going to build two But I didn't have money For the second one And the way I built it Was the first one Was just half of The entire thing. Dave, what else do we see?

I rolled a 19. Yeah, well, beyond that billboard... Your glasses have fogged up. You're so mad. I thought that only happened in the cartoons. I'm furious. Beyond that billboard, and thank you so much for your illustrious addition to my world building,

Beyond that billboard, and thank you so much for your illustrious addition to my world building, there is the caravan town of Lork. Right on the Garkosan border, you can see that the caravan commons that form the centre of the town are full to the brim with what looks like a huge procession of pilgrims and refugees from the Great War surrounding three large wagons and caravans, each of them draped in metallic shiny cloth and being led by powerful warhorses, not farmer's horses. These are barbed and armoured horses.

You can also see that there are figures armoured and wearing the livery of paladins of different faiths. One of Ilmata, one wearing the insignia of Torm, one of Helm, even an elven paladin of Lathander. And they are pulling from these wagons huge loaves of bread, tearing them apart and then distributing them to the... How big are these loaves? Strong of people. You say huge loaf. Talk me through it. One storey, two stories.

These are large loaves. Large enough to feed this throng. How big? Give me a visual analysis. You know that Dave doesn't know any measurements. He'll be like, it was a foot. Is it as big as you, Dave? Is it two years?

It's a Dave's height. It's a wagon wheel. Is it like a baguette that's like three days long? Or one thing of bread? They're discs of bread. Is it in Dave as you, Dave? Is it two you's? It's a Dave's height. It's a wagon wheel. Is it like a baguette that's like three days long? It's all one thing of bread? They're discs of bread. Is it in Dave's shape as well? No. Oh, my goodness.

What's going on here? There looks like lots of important stuff happening and we're not getting distracted by the shape of the bread. Incredibly normal loaves of bread. I'm going to approach the elven one, Dave. Oh, great. We're getting out. Oh, jeez.

You hop out of the wagon and you push your way I'd like to approach the elven one, Dave. Oh, great. Okay. We're getting out. Oh, jeez. You hop out of the wagon. Mr. or Mrs. Elven Paladin. Push your way through a throng of starving peasants to get to the front of the line. Make way, peasants. He is a high elf. No, he's a human. I was. I'm human now.

Possibly Chinese. Elven. Elven Paladin. Oh, yes. Did you just do my voice? Back at me. He does that when he talks to poor people. Oh!

Hello! Are you here for the bread? Yes, I am here to feed not just myself And this half-orc here And the small rabbit we have in the van Yep But a whole town of people are starving Well, hang on, there's a procedure here for that

I mean, what we do here is One normal sized loaf of bread per person Maybe if you say I was Well, that's a giant mean, what we do here is, you know, one normal sized loaf of bread per person. Maybe if you say Well, that's a giant loaf. What are you talking about? Well, I'm just saying

we've got community outreach programs, right? So there's a whole that's a whole other thing. So what? I've got to fill out some forms? Well, yeah,

but what's the community? We have an issue We have an issue with our food supply for our cult. I mean, our church. Well, hang on. If you're part of the program already, you should have your name.

What's the name of the organization? I've got the art center. That's us. That's us. We're the art center. We're from the art center. Hang on a second. I pull Friso aside.

I go, Friso, this isn't our God quest. This is Chimes. I feel like we're leaving her behind. You're right. Should we just go home? All we agreed to do is come to Desert. So maybe let's just sit back and just act support, you know? That's great.

Ben can play Dungeons and Dragons with himself. Exactly. Chime. Chime. Step forward. It's play Dutch the Dragons with himself. Chime. Chime. Step forward. Chime, it's your moment. Oh, yeah. Well, I was just...

Okay, you're going to let me do this? Well, yeah. I mean, it's your God quest. Okay, you don't want to see the rest of this? No, I want to see. We always got to the good bit. Yeah, we're at the turn of the trick and now all that's left is the prestige.

So just one moment, please. And then Donk pulls like a little light at the end of a thumb out from under the seat. Wowee! How'd you make your thumb so big? The magician never tells his secrets. That was real good.

Thank you. Thank you. I've got to go on my God's quest now. No, that's fair. I'll just be here. Okay. Hey, can you come help me? If you need help with magic, then yeah.

Well, I need the magic of friendship. And actual breast digitization? And actual, yeah, sure. Yeah. All right, guys. This is a big moment for Chime, so you follow my lead, okay? Happy to, Chime. And Chime walks up to the...

I'm here on behalf... Yep. Of the... They write so many notes. I know, I can't read them all! I can't read, Dave! It says here... I think it's remarkable how much I've been able to guess!

It says here... Given I can't read. You're stuck in character, Ben. You don't have to do that voice to be shouting at Dave. It says here, he says somewhat defeatedly, that you might be from the first Sonic Church of the Siren. I'm from the first Sonic Church of the Siren. I had my suspicions.

And I'm here with my friends. You don't need to say anymore. You need to come with me. Well... People always saying that to us. Can my friends come too? In fact, I insist. Come on, colleagues.

They say they're not your friends. Well, that is hurtful, but... That one explicitly just repudiated you being their friend. They are here with the church of the Sonic and Knuckles. And they... Some negotiation later and you're all inside the tent. Meanwhile, Bobby Pancakes is slowly putting his clothes back on in the wagon,

enjoying your pipe weed, when you hear a shift of metal and a click and you turn around to see that the keyhole of the wagon has a small lock pick extruding from it and it is currently twisting as the whoever is manipulating it is picking the tumblers of the lock um i just stand in front of the door with my hands between... I don't even start with my face, just like with a big smile waiting to greet whoever comes through. Okay. There is a whirr and a click and the wagon door opens.

It is now night. The moon is high and a figure sneaks in to see you as you look upon the face of a quite handsome half-orc with, I believe, a ponytail about eight foot tall, wide shoulders. Anything else, Tom? Leather pants. Leather pants.

Not too tight. Not too tight. Okay. Comes into face-to-face with you. Yoo-hoo! We did not know there was someone in here. We apologize. He's dressed in blacks, like a thief ready for busy work.

I did not know there was going to be someone in the carriage. I thought that's why I was locked. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't bullshit a bullshit. Don't thief a thief. Oh, they know bullshit. I'm a thief. I know a thief when I see a thief.

Oh, really? Yeah. What do you steal? Oh, hearts. Do you have a girlfriend? Because there's a woman, well, maybe not a woman, but something that definitely,

I imagine you'd want to fuck. Like walk away from this carriage a while ago ago looking very angry and definitely not horny. Do you actually steal hearts or are you lying to me right now? We just became friends. You're lying to me already? I mean, look. Something that friends do is share a little joke. And obviously we don't know each other very well.

Maybe you just misunderstood what I was saying. Look, anyway, on a professional level, at the very least, what are you after in here? Oh, there's a lot of paintings of doors. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I see. Oh, that one looks exactly like you.

That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. This one over here, this one me. Yeah. Not enough brown paint because I'm so tall. Are you a member of the church? Hmm? Oh, no, me no member of the church.

As he says this, he's rifling through desks with a sort of nervous energy. He manages to find a bag of gold coins, a vial of a potion, a lot of things that you missed because you rolled a 12, as he's stuffing them into a satchel that he has tied around his midsection. You say you're a thief? Yeah. Why come you didn't see any of this stuff, you dumb dumb? I kind of...

I am a thief by trade, but I also have this side hustle where I just fucking fuck around the entire world with this bunch of dickwags. Yeah, so I'm kind of doing that at the moment. Me kind of do something like that as well. So I know what it's like

hanging around with a bunch of fucking dickwags. You want some gold? Yeah. Are you ready? We can get a drink around here. What, like water? Like in the toilet? No, unless you'd like

some sort of prison toilet wine Like something a bit stronger Like punch That's like a little joke for friends Because punch is strong for when you punch someone But then it's also drink So we're friends and we share a little joke I think this friendship is going to be a journey

And we're just on the first few steps of it. How tall is Bobby? Bobby probably comes up, I'd say, to sort of mid-thigh, maybe. Is he standing or anything while we're having this conversation? Bobby's about five feet, do you reckon? I don't know. Yeah, I'd say so. He probably comes up to maybe the belt buckle.

Okay, one second. And I pick Bobby up and I put him on a table. There, that's better. Me like to look my new friends in the face. I like my new friends not to just grab me. Oh, me sorry. And then I pick him up and put him back on the table. There you go.

And I pat him on the head. You want some more gold? Yeah, that'll make it better. Hey, what's going on? Is this happening at the same time as we're at the bread? Well, you're somewhere else. Yeah, that is correct. So he gives you 11 gold pieces.

And he does tell you that if you want a drink, he has some booze stashed at him and his brother's quarters at the Pilgrim's Rest. They're doing the prestige! I feel it! We'll put a pin in that. We'll find out later. Because Bobby is already going to the Pilgrim's Rest

to have a drink with his new friend, whose name is... Oh, The Fred. What? Your friends, your characters are Bonk... Bonk... Oh, yeah. Donk Bonkerson. Donk Bonkerson.

And The Fred. Yeah. And do they look the same? They look... Well, you don't know this, but yes, they look very similar. Now, meanwhile, on the outskirts of the Desert Perilous in the town of Lork, in a small tent, Chime and three hard-to-call friends, business associates at best,

are gathering around an officious-looking dwarven paladin who is sitting on a crate, making meticulous notes on a clipboard. When the figure of your elven paladin guide clears his throat uncomfortably, the figure looks up. Is your throat okay, buddy? My throat's fine. You want lozenge? I don't want... what?

Would you like a butter menthol? Yeah, alright. These are the ones you told us to watch out for, sir, from the... Did you just throw a butter menthol? I asked Ben if he wanted one. In the game, Hing. You asked him in the game.

Yeah, but I have one in real life. I wasn't sure if Ben... Sorry. I wasn't sure if Ben was like, yeah, yeah, in character, but also, oh, Ben Jenkins wants a butter menthol. How are you supposed to tell, Dave? Well, get us those. Hey, real quick.

Do you want to get shot in the face? These are the ones you asked us to keep an eye out for. The onyx church. Oh, yeah. Come on in. Hey, you hungry? What? Be very careful how you answer this.

No, no. I've had quite enough food already. As you can see, we at the Silver Chorus are all about bread. Is that your catchphrase? Bread is what, yeah, you can see it. Oh, I remember the jingles. There is actually a catchphrase of sorts stitched in embroidery in the tent above him.

This is Panem Nostrum. Translation, we're all about bread. Yeah, that's old Nethereal for we're all about bread. Yeah, you control the bread supply around here? Well, we don't like to think of it as controlling it. We dish it out and make sure it goes to the places it needs to go to. Yeah, well, we've got a problem. How come no bread at the church? Yeah, well, we've got a problem. How come no bread at the church?

Yeah, we've had something of a problem. I've been sent here on my guard's quest to sort of sort it out. Okay, listen, I'm going to tell you what I told the crazy lady with the dioramas. This is out of my hands. It's not personal in any way. Do we speak to a manager? You are doing that currently.

Well, what about a regional manager? Guess what? I just got a promotion. We're going to need answers. Why this out of your hands? This is not good enough. This doesn't come from me. Listen.

Who does it come from? Can we talk to them? The Silver Chorus have made it very, very clear that whatever is happening out in the desert, we don't want anything to do with. Well, that can't be right. Mrs. Cassidor made the donations that were necessary. You agreed.

I understand that, and we are very grateful for the donations. Hey, Chime. Chime. Yeah? Does the non-violence pact, is that just for you or is it for all of us? Like, is it? You can turn around. You've made the oath.

If you want to close your eyes Pretend we're doing a magic trick All I know is that if we don't get that bread We're going to be in trouble There are so many mouths to feed out there in the desert We rely on this food So you're telling me I should just Go outside Maybe go and do a very loud prayer

Also, can I have your crossbow? Maybe go and do a very loud prayer. Also, can I have your crossbow? Going to make a little... Okay. Chime looks at you all, looks back at the figure of the shield bearer, seeing no love on his face, comes to a decision. And she very carefully takes her amulet off the figure of the siren in her hand as she kisses it and puts it into a little pocket. Okay, I thought you'd see sense. Now listen.

One second. I believe that my friend has an alternate suggestion. And then she gives the crossbow to you, Friso. Cool. And then walks out of the tent. Sunshine days are here again. And starts singing loudly to herself. Okay.

All right, let's get a move on. Yeah. You give us bread, we shoot you in head. Okay. Alright, let's get a move on. Yeah. You give us bread, we shoot you in the head. Wait. Yeah. You don't give us bread, we start at the toes and work our way up.

Sorry, we've been thinking about jingles a lot lately. I don't think you understand. I don't think you understand how much we can kill you.

Whatever you are threatening... You suddenly notice, Friso, that he, with one of his hands, which is up, the other hand is reaching down towards what seems to be a rune that's stamped in the side of the tent. A rune in the side of the tent? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I throw my javelin through his hand. Yeah, she pins the javelin to the rune. Make an attack roll. Oh, no. Make an attack roll. Well said, I'd do it. All right. 11 plus strength.

11 plus strength is not enough. He misses. He misses enough. 11 plus your strength is 18. Yeah, 19. Not quite enough. As he jumps 400. Don't get mad at the dice.

Well, who are we supposed to get mad at, Dave? He jumps towards all of you, grabs a bell in his hand and starts ringing it as he turns to face you, Friso. You don't have to do any of this. You don't understand. Dave, I cast Witch Bolt. That's a...

You throw the... Click the gun aside and cast Witch Bolt? Well, yeah, I guess. I don't know how to use the crossbow. Oh, should I use the crossbow, Dave? What is the crossbow's, like... It's a strange old carcassian weapon. You've never seen it before.

What's the... What stash does it use? You know what? I'm going to take the crossbow. I take the crossbow and I pick it up and I slam it down on his head as hard as I can as you cast witch bolt? yeah I cast witch bolt all right make the attack for me make the attack all right excellent you got a

21 I also got a 21 21 and a 21 oh 24 actually all right as the figure of the shield bearer quartermaster pragmatic of the Order of the Silver Chorus rises. His bell starts to toll, but its sound dies quickly as the crackle of eldritch energy blasts from Euphrazo, throwing him against a tent. Even as an ancient, unknowable, immaculate carcassian weapon, hundreds of years old, is used as an improvised club to break

his jaw, his screams dying in his mouth as he falls heavily to the floor and looks up groggily, hoping against hope that he might yet live to provide bread for refugees. And he says

with his dying breath, you dumb fucks. Do you have any idea what you've done? You should have given us more information. Let that be a lesson to those that would do good in this world. The Silver Chorus, Alliance of good aligned churches trying to do their best for the people of a war-torn land have sent

their bravest, their best out into this wilderness but one will not return. One with jaw broken and bell bent and back broken and soul bent will fall instead on the sands of the desert and the last thing that they

will see is an unreasonably angry half-orc and a human warlock possibly chinese having the time of his life as he remembers something that once did spark joy. And those two are all that we'll live to see that once belonged in a party we call the Dragon Friends. Thank you. Thank you. So you killed him. You killed him. He didn't give us the bread.

Yeah, what kind of dude is holding out on bread? You literally killed a guy to feed our starving family, Dave. Come on. This is all coming out of our love of Bastogne. This is totally reasonable. Oh, of course, yes! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty.

Dave Harmon is our Dungeon Master with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and special live guest accompaniment by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation.

This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes, as well as exclusive content every other week. Until next time! Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry, don't worry Cause that's what time travels for

You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back No, not the prestige.

The other one. The other magic one. The prestige? The prestige is clones. They're doing the other one. Illusionist. Illusionist. Twins

Do you say they're clones? There are twins in The Prestige You dumb piece of shit Are there? Which one is The Illusionist? Which one is The Illusionist? Do you think there's a basement full of Both

What you have done there Is that you have got in your mind Like a Christian Bale film And then separately a Hugh Jackman film No that's the same film No that's the same film You piece of... Hang on.

Hang on. One's a Paul Giamatti film. Which one has the basement for... The Prestige. Okay, now, Dave, are we doing Prestige or are we doing The Illusionist? Nobody's doing The Illusionist. It has no cultural cut through whatsoever.

It's Jessica Biel and Edward Norton. And Paul Giamatti. And Paul Giamatti. Don't say it has no cultural cut through. It's got Paul Giamatti. Did one of them have a Tesla in it? That was the prestige. Okay.

Yeah, no, the illusionist is the one that has Andy Serkis. Yes. No. So which one are we doing? Meanwhile. I've really tuckered myself out being that mad. If anyone was going to crack it, it should have been Dave. I know.

I think I just got his anger second hand. To be fair, and I don't understand why this is, but I've never seen Ben get madder about anything. I think it's because on our other podcast, Freedom of Good Home, we talk about the prestige I'd say every episode, basically. None of it's gone in, other podcast, Freedom of Good Home, we talk about the prestige, I'd say, every episode, basically. None of it's gone in, Michael. It's like a lot of things. Meanwhile.