Dragon Friends - #8.12. Changus the Interbable

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

The Gauntlet has been thrown and the Dragon Friends seem set on resolving their food shortage in any way necessary. Surely no consequences are to follow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's just not going to be a good podcast if I piss myself. Yeah, but it's worth it. I don't care. Honestly, I don't care. We've done like 200 episodes of this. I don't give a shit. If you piss yourself, I've never seen that before. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry. Because that's what time travels for.

You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. No mucking around! Gushing clear water, flowing that manna from heaven that sustains life immortal, pours in silver rivulets down the dunes. This, of course, is the oasis of life between the feet of the siren matriarch of that proud new church, the sonic church of the siren.

Here in the retreat, here in the desert of Anorak, the water is crystal clear and flows and oh how it flows flows flows pouring down like the beers being drunk by one bobby pancakes and his new yes let's call him a friend because he gave him 12 gold coins and that's what friends do who was simply named the fred the two of you were at the bar at pilgrim's rest a small pilgrim's outpost at the edge of the retreat most of the travelers here are not members of the church simply wayward pilgrims and refugees needing a night from the oppressive heat of the desert oh it's just so good to, like, talk to another thief

and, like, you know, just, like, all that stuff that, like, nobody really understands unless you're actually a thief. Yeah. Like... LAUGHTER Like, what's the best thing that you've ever stolen? Oh, me stole once, like, the hairpin

out of this tall woman's hat, like, hair, and her hair fell down. She was like, ''Oh, where like, what happened to my hair? But I was already gone. That's so good. What about you? What did you steal? Fish.

I once stole all the fish from a fish market, and when the people rocked up the next day to buy their fish, there wasn't any fish. Ha! I knew you would like that. Because you fucking... No, just no. That's so cool.

Yeah, it's like a... Can I tell you a secret? I love secrets. Me do a lot of stealing and thievery, sure. But me actually don't want to be a thief, like, forever. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm not very good. But me actually want to be a magician. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Sorry, I'm going to go. What do you mean? Like an arcane trickster kind of guy? No, like, yeah, just wanted to be able to entertain me. My brother's a really good magician.

And he helped me when I was just a little six-foot half-orc. He can't take care of me, but I don't know. He's just so cool. Hey, the Fred yeah show me a trick really show me a trick okay I load up

the most powerful spell that I know it's really someone's drawn a penis on the back of my fucking sheet and judging by how they pretended

to make it not a very good drawing of a penis Ben Jenkins very good drawing of a penis. Ben Jenkins. Very good. So I use my giant penis with a smiley face. Yeah, level three spell would be the most powerful spell you know. You know fireball, which I would suggest not casting.

Why would you suggest that? Well, it does 30 feet worth of damage to the area. Would Gatius' form destroy everything? No, he says, you always say, show me a magic trick, and he winks coyly at you, mutters a few words, turns into a strange corn-smelling mist.

That's how it works. And I do a few rounds around the room, and I come back, oh, it's nothing, it's just me. It's really dumb dumb my brother can do really cool cool sort of stuff

that was cool that's cool that's so cool really you're cool you're a cool guy yeah tell me oh you got another secret

yeah I've got heaps of secrets actually do you want me to tell you a secret but you tell me a secret first and I'll tell you another secret wait how many secrets

do you have because I just want to make sure that I can match them oh this is this can be the last one if you feel like that's appropriate. I would say me... Me still haven't gotten my adjective. You know how magicians, we have like the spectacular, like Bippledus,

or, like, Changus the Interbable. It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm just the Fred. And no amount of gaseous form will change that. Can I just ask? This is maybe... Look. No, there's no dumb questions about secrets, my friend. But if ask? This is maybe... Look. No, there's no dumb questions about secrets, my friend.

But if your name is The Fred, are you going to be The Fred The Something? Um... Are you going to move the... I was going to put the adjective at the very start. Are you going to move the preposition?

Wait. Oh, amazing The Fred. Hang on a second. And I look at my arm and there's a massive tattoo that says the and there's a huge space there. And then it says Fred. It goes, no, adjective comes in middle.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But I don't know. I don't know. You kind of have to earn an adjective. He slumps in his seat and then there is a rustle in the smell of corn

as he disapparates again And blinks to the seat opposite you And as that smoke dissipates for a second You see a rustle He begins to sing You see You see You dare

I'll have my work No, no, no, Tom No, no, no, Tom. No, no, no, Tom. You made your bed. Keep going. One day, me have my word. No easy word, no now, no adverb. It's a life me live. One day, me have a life me live One day me have

A life to live One day me have My adjective And maybe One day Maybe, Bobby And maybe... What up? Maybe, Bobby, it's the yellow pipe weed that you smoked. Maybe it's the beers that you had.

Maybe it's merely the elation of finding a new friend. But your eyes swim. You smile and feel relaxed for the first time in months as the terrain outside the bar seems to shift. And at first you think it's your relaxation before you realize that you are seeing through blurry eyes a figure sneaking through the outskirts of the camp. Should I do a check?

Make a perception check to see more. That's a hot eight. You're going to have to get closer than that, but you can definitely see that there's someone scurrying at the outskirts of the camp trying not to be seen. There's someone scurrying? Oi! Oi!

Little mouse scurrying. I see you. The figure turns, shifts, and then darts away into the darkness. There's a mouse running away. Mouse man. Did you see that mouse man? Bobby is quite drunk.

Yeah, the bartender's like, sorry, do you want to stay here and have another drink then? Yeah. Okay. Hey, you've got a mouse problem. I don't usually come to this kind of establishment Have another drink then? Yeah. Oh, okay. Hey, you've got a mouse problem. I don't usually come to this kind of establishment ripe with rodents,

but I'll make an exception. Pour me another. He does. Great, two more beers. And he's like, Craig, you've got to respect yourself, mate. Meanwhile. I loot the body. You can if you want, but I want to impress upon you, Hing,

at this moment the time is of the essence. The bell was rung. There was a figure waiting outside where Chime is. The bell rang three times before you broke the paladin's jaws. You think I don't have a plan, Dave? Cracked his skull and then cast Witch Bolt on him. So we are in structured time. Okay, wait. So just when I look at the priest...

This is your action, yeah. What do I see? Like, is it rich priest, poor priest? What do we think? A tabard, a breastplate emblazoned with the symbol of Helm, one of the divine circles. Ah, go and I loot the priest, Dave. The silver chorus.

All right, a dwarven breastplate. You can get a holy symbol of Torm. There is a heavy pouch of gold and there is, of course, the clipboard that he was consulting. And I get the breastplate as well? In six seconds. This is one turn. You can take everything.

You can't take the armour. Okay, so the gold, the Torm seal. What was the other thing? The clipboard. Clipboard. Alright, excellent. Phil? I'm going to do an experiment. Phil, do you also have a chance for one action before the paladins outside spring into action? You want that breastplate?

Are they immediately outside our door? They were everywhere. There were priests everywhere. You went into a tent and you murdered their supervisor. I cannot stress to you enough that this is a situation that will usually result in a prompt response. Yeah. Oh, I have a big think about what I'm going to do

because as Dave said, the stakes are very high. Are they? So I'm going to have a really good think. I might try and run outside the tent and make sure that Chime is okay. Okay. Filge bursts out of the tent to see Chime standing around the corner with, I believe, his fingers in his ears, probably. Her fingers in her ears?

Well, this is the thing. We realised in the last episode that Chime's gender has changed. Canonical gender just changed. That's fine. All right. And she's like, she's also still singing, right? Yeah. So she's like, Mr. Frog went and got Nana, he did right.

Uh-huh. Frog went and got Nana, he did right. Uh-huh. Frog went and got Nana, he did right. As you race towards Chime, you suddenly see the figure, the elven paladin who was called in another human paladin. This one in the priest's robe of Ilmata, standing between you and Chime. And I scream at Chime, run!

And Chime goes, first coming was a junibug. First coming was a junibug. Run! Make for me a performance check. I will give you, if you can actually chime, if you can make a perception check with disadvantage, I will give advantage. Just roll those.

Oh! Alex rolling at 20, so shut up, Dave. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. I turned away from what I did then. I watched the roll. I don't trust you. No, away from it. What I did then. I watched the roll. I don't trust you. No, she did it. It was real.

It was for real. Look at that. Why would I waste cheating on the performance of waving to someone? Okay, that's fair enough. And I, with disadvantage, I got a 15. All right. In that case, Chime looks up, the hands move, and then suddenly Chime turns, if possible, even more white

because she already has white fur and she races off towards the wagon but the other two have closed in on you as one of them slaps his hand on your shoulder and tries to restrain you. Make an opposed strength check for me. With a hand. And Filch doesn't even flinch. You just swat him and he goes wide

as he sprawls into the dirt but more of the paladins are coming out. Frieza, you have another turn. Okay, Dave, is anyone in the tent with me yet? No, Phil just so far holding the door. I'm going to cast Summon Greater Demon. It's a fourth level spell. I've got one spell slot left.

I'm going to cast Summon Greater Demon. Alright, so if you muck with demons, you understand you won't be able to unsummon them. You may lose control of them because you haven't created a magic circle. You haven't sanctified this space. You don't know the demon's name. So you're just going to create, as I understand it, a portal to the nine circles of Beelzebub.

I'm really great with faces. I'm bad with names. Sorry, I don't. I want to say Santa. What is your name? Easy to do, hard to undo. So without the benefit of a magic circle, you pull from the nine circles of hell some kind of demon.

Yeah, what does the demon look like, Dave? Do you want me to roll for it? No, it's all right. Can we roll for who gets to do the voice of the demon? I don't see why not. All right, you know what? Well, I will tell you that the demon is a... It's a gorillon.

It's a four-armed gorilla from the Infernal Circle of Death. Oh, damn. And it's voiced by... 16 I got. I got one. Damn it. Bobby Pancakes. Okay.

So as the gorillon climbs out of the magic portal to hell, I go, pointing at the priest, look what you did, gorilla! And I run. You see, Dave, so often the greater demon is used as a weapon or is used as a sort of an... But did anybody say you do that?

What? Only the dead guy. Only the gorilla. Yeah, the gorilla. I'm going to run out. And as I'm running out, I'm going, there's a gorilla in there! They killed the priest and he was a good man.

He was just handing bread to the poor refugees. What is this? Just roll the deception. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Oh, damn, Dave. That's 24. I start a cult, motherfucker.

Oh, shit. I run for fucking president. Three to go. Oh, damn, Dave. That's 24. I start a cult, motherfucker. I run for fucking president. That's 24, Dave. Three of the paladins hear you and they turn deadly white. And they say, as they turn to each other, they say, a gorilla in here. We can't protect these refugees. There's too many of them. They'll be slaughtered.

And then the other one's like, you know, I said this exact thing could happen. You said, Jeff, Jeff, I was there. You said, I'm worried if someone will steal the bread. You did not say. I think it was implied. I'm worried that a gorillan. And you said, oh, let's do other things.

Can we quickly cut just in time to a sort of a retro meeting they're doing after the issue where their manager is being like, okay, well, Jeff said, Jeff actually warned you about this, didn't he, Harry? Once again, he didn't warn me. He said he thought someone would steal the bread and I had a risk assessment matrix

that said that if we simply kept two people's eyes on the bread, then the bread couldn't be stolen. Can I say something, please? Yes, you can, Geoff. I'm bored. Excuse me. Terry, yes. To be perfectly clear, I did not want the bread. I was not here for bread.

I have a follow-up question. Why is the gorilla present at the meeting? What do you mean? What do you mean? What, we're not Why is the gorilla present at the meeting? What do you mean? What do you mean? What, we're not going to bring the gorilla to the meeting? We are a progressive company, all right, Harry? Yeah, also, Jeff... I signed the incident report.

Yeah. This is the new regional manager. Hello! Hello! Yeah. Vilge Free Zone. Clambering with handfuls of bread, you climb up onto the wagon as it races rickety over the dunes as the figure of Donk Bonkerson slams the reins, cards going everywhere as you crest those mighty dunes and make your way-

We gotta stop for my cards! Out of luck. Philch, you look up just in time to see the gorillan going completely apeshit with refugees running everywhere, bread scattered to the winds. It looks like a scene. Where am I? How did I get here? Of murder.

It looks like a scene of carnage. It is quite difficult to understand what will happen in the next ten minutes that we'll see the gorillan be promoted. Productivity is below average. None of this is your problem. Team morale is low. Let's do a quick warm-up game.

Okay, my weekend was pretty nice. How about you? So as they're riding away, Friso turns to the village and is like, I really thought this would be a lot more like Dunstan Checks In. Okay, you've left Lorc. Congratulations. You've summoned a major demon.

You've left it there with absolutely no thought about the consequences of your actions. But congratulations, you have a wagon full of bread. Yes! Wagon full of bread. The consequences of our actions is the gorilla is going to make everyone use a Trello. of our actions is the gorilla is going to make everyone use a Trello. The great context of that is about 18 months ago, Dave tried to get us all to sign up

to Trello. I just thought it would be good for planning streams. Anyway, Chime is beside herself. That was... You didn't say anything, did you? Well, I looked behind me

and I heard some things about a death of a priest and there was... The gorilla did that. Repeat after us. Okay. The gorilla did that. The gorilla did that.

Who killed the priest? The gorilla. The gorilla did that. That's right,. Who killed the priest? The gorilla. Yeah, of course. That's right, yeah. I mean, personally. Is that what you're saying? Wow, I heard Chime told me the gorilla killed the priest. I told you that?

I'm shocked. Chime told me the gorilla... Filge nods at you and then hands you back a clearly blood splattered flechette. Oh, look, the gorilla got got some blood on my fle... my little crossbow-y thing. Yeah. Hey, does this mean that I finished my god quest? You did. You didn't do any violence. Congratulations.

We came back from the desert with bread. And the gorillon did all the violence. Oh, the elder's gonna be so happy with me. Yeah. And Chime looks and takes off her little amulet and very solemnly turns it over and then with a little hardened um nib of a tiny little pen she marks a steep scratch into the back of this clay tablet the mark of her first God's quest. Now, meanwhile,

inside the outskirts of Pilgrim's Rest, the doors clank open. The hour is now very late, or very early even, as two thoroughly... Which is it, Dave? Well, it's... It's very early. It's about four in the morning. The four men

were then just... Do you mean late? As two figures emerged from the pilgrim's rest arms around each other. What about

like marvelous but like when you say you're like marvelous. Be the marvelous friend. That's my brother's one

and he wouldn't like he wouldn't like that. Oh. What about pink? I don't hate it. The pink bread. The pink bread. Is there a tattoo shop?

While you're looking around for a tattoo shop, you realise that you're drunken, meandering. You have walked all the way to the beach of the Oasis of Life at the heart of the retreat and are standing by the ropes that secure the statue of the siren and forbid anyone from passing. of the siren and forbid anyone from passing? Are you going to look like you're going to vomit on a religious site? Constitution check. Constitution check.

I'm fine. I'm fine. It's just a little bit of the gaseous form coming back up into me. Oh, it was 11 that I moved into. It's 20. Well, it's an 11. All right. You managed to hold it in for now. You heave and heave, but you've managed to stop yourself from vomiting.

Bobby, you pat the pink Fred. Oh, not yet. Not until the ink's dry. The Fred on the back. And as you do, you notice something, which is that one of the little stone bollards that connect the ropes

around the siren has been pushed to the side and opened there's a pathway leading in towards the statue hey

do you like art yeah I like art I like you wanna look at these sexy feet yes let's

look at the statue. Do you know what's funny about these feet? They piss water. Huh? They piss water. The feet piss water. But the feet don't have, like, a urethra.

Yeah. But it comes out from between. Why come they've pissed water then? Simon, I'm doing this because I felt bad about you for last episode. Do not make me lose faith in you. Okay, Inzy, Popsie, let's go. Let's go. Sneaking in?

Yep. Make stealth checks for me, both of you. Both thieves? Tell me what you get. 23. I got 20, unnaturally. Oh, okay, wow. So the two of you...

Sneaking in. Sing it like that. Because I'm sneaky, I go sneaking in, and I'm just whispering it. It'll look quieter, but still singing it definitely. Okay, great. Whispering your improvised little ditty, the two of you sneak up towards the siren.

You can see the lights of the retreat all around you, and it's larger than you realize. There's probably, I would say, about housing for about two to three hundred lost souls here at the retreat. And the statue is tall, but you know, still humanoid size as you get closer. It looks like it was actually bigger, but it's part of the trick of the perspective of the place. And as you sneak up, you suddenly think to yourself, although you feel drunk, that perhaps there are two figures there. The siren with her arms outstretched, water gushing between her feet. There is another figure standing, just almost supporting, it seems, the weight of the figure of the siren,

wearing a long yellow smock wrapped in a black cloak, obscuring much of it. Oh my gosh, that statue's falling on that person. Let's help them. It really stinks. I run up to, because it looks like they're propping up the statue,

is that what you said? Yeah, yeah. So he's running up and he's like, oh my God. Okay, as you race towards stumbling, I need you to make me a dexterity with disadvantage because you're quite drunk. Okay, that's a,

ooh, that's a 15 or a 19. Okay, a 15. You manage to keep your feet, but you stumble towards it, but at the last minute manage to keep your feet, momentarily disrupting your run as you race towards the figure. As you do, you can see that the entire back of the statue seems to be glowing

and you get the strangest impression that there is white silk flowing from inside the statue. As the figure turns around, as you yell out towards it, you see that they have their hand inside the back of the statue. Well, buy a girl a drink first. But they turn and see you and the figure that you see is a face that seems to reflect the light of the moon as you realise that you are looking at a lacquered mask and then there is a puff of smoke. A smell not dissimilar, it has to be said, to corn and the figure vanishes into dust. It's a corn ghost.

Is the silk still flowing? No, now it looks like a statue It's just like a statue You're a corn ghost, aren't you? Can you do that? Yeah, but Yeah, sometimes You can make a statue's dress come alive?

I just turned myself into smelly You saw it We did this earlier Why are you asking me? Yeah, but that's a corn ghost You're a corn ghost Make the statue come alive Okay

And I cast Gassy's form Form again I'm very curious to know What you're going to do I'm just gonna I'm trying it out If I don't know what's happening

So I'm like I'm being told right now That I can do something To a statue So I'm like Yeah it's my new friend He's telling me This is your last spell slot

Are you going to use it? Oh no Okay Okay so Bobby's going to, like, search around for, like, buttons on the statue. Okay. Like, if there's a special button that, like, activates the silk.

I don't know. Make for me an investigation check. That's a... 18. An 18. You search around. It seems that this statue is solid, but as you sort of knock at it and tap at it,

you get the strangest feeling that it might be hollow. Also, because you're older, 17, you see that there's something small on the ground, white. You reach down and you pick up the lower portion of what is unmistakably Lady Cassidore's mask. Oh! What is it? This is that chick who didn't want Cassidore's mask. Oh! What is it? This is that chick who didn't want to have sex with me.

Oh, you give it back to her, then she'll be like, thanks for finding my mask, Bobby. Wait, what's that? Oh, like a kiss? What's like, blah? I've never kissed a girl before. It's more like this.

No, it's more like this. No, no, no, it's more like this. Well, I guess either of us will know unless we... Oh, never mind. All right, I know where our place is. Now, just so you know, as I said, it's early morning and you can see that cooking fires are starting. Cooking fires are starting to be set.

The camp of the retreat is starting to wake up, and that figure seems to have long disappeared now. Let's go back to our house. I got the proof is in the pudding, and here's the pudding. My hand is the pudding, and the proof is in it. I got pudding hands, baby. Let's bounce.

You're making your way back to the retreat proper? To a big caravan. Yep, that's at the retreat. So you make your way back into camp. And as you do, Bobby, you don't need to roll for this. You notice that there is dust being kicked up from two different directions. Two wagons are arriving simultaneously. One from the east, one from the west.

And there are figures now excited. There's a crowd. Dude, figures. At the centre of the camp as these two wagons start to arrive. And the first to arrive carries friends of yours. And one acquaintance, I suppose. Hard to say. I think we've bonded. Well, that's really for Bobby to say.

But it's Chime, Friso, Filge, and another orc. Yeah. Donkisons. And the cart is laden with bread, and there is a relieved murmur that ripples over the quite famished-looking congregation

as the wagon races to a stop and chime hops down i did it everybody i did it i got my cult wings i know we said we shouldn't call them that but i'm just so excited look there's bread for everybody phil says yes turns out chime is master negotiator she just asked very politely for bread. And then they gave her the bread and no one died. Wink! Stanza, one of the older cultists, steps down and goes,

and this is the first shipment? They're restoring the shipments? Yeah. How often are they supposed to come? Every two days. Every two days. Two days. Yeah, there'll be another one in two days. Every two days. Two days. Yeah, there'll be another one in two days, won't there?

Well, hang on a second. I don't know about that. Oh, yeah, you were very convincing. I hear there's actually a new guy running the place. He's got some cool ideas. No, hold on a second, because there was an incident, you see, that I negotiated. I was real good, and I was cool as a summer breeze when it happened.

But there was a demon, you see, and now the head of the bread thing's dead. Oh, yeah, real dead. But we got some bread for now. You're saying these friends of yours, Chum, they attacked the silver chorus? That's not what anyone said, Dave. Nobody said that. No one said that, Dave. They said we didn't do anything.

I'm just trying to understand. Oh, no, no, no, no. Well, Chum, what happened? There was a demon. And what did the demon do? The demon killed the priest. Boo, demon. Boo, demon.

And they tried to stop him, but we got away with the bread and our lives. We didn't summon the priest. Boo demon. Boo demon. And they tried to stop him, but we got away with the bread and our lives. We didn't summon the demon. You see. You can summon demons. No, no, no. We didn't summon the demon. You have the ability to summon demons. Summon the demon.

So that's crazy talk. You're crazy. Make a deception check. Be friends. Have I rested on the trip back, Dave? Probably. No, you're absolutely not. You still all have one level of exhaustion. You are rolling with disadvantage, right?

Nine plus ten is nineteen. And then this one is two plus ten is twelve. That's too much deception. Twenty-two? I've really put it in there, Dave. No, twelve. Twelve. You rolled a two. I rolled two plus ten is twelve, yeah. You rolled a've really put it in there, Dave. No, 12. 12. 12.

You rolled a 2. I rolled 2 plus 10 is 12, yeah. You rolled a 2. Yes. Plus 10 is 12. Are you a warlock? Me? You seem to be dressed like a warlock.

Excuse me, he's Chinese. Yeah. Not all Chinese people are warlocks. I didn't mean to cause any offence. No, no, no. What did you mean to say? No, I... What did you mean to say?

I mean, that's not... That doesn't seem fair now because you are dressed, it seems, in some kind of strange robes. Is that an ornate arcane mirror you have draped off your belt? Yes. Is that a spell book

that you have on the other side? No, yes. It that a spell book that you have on the other side? No, yes. It's a book of recipes. For Chinese food. Dave? My name's not Dave. It's Stanza. Stanza.

Stanza. We are mere chaperones. Ask me something about China. Quiz me. I know heaps. And remember, if he is Chinese, he's not a warlock

This Yeah, Dave This is bullying, I don't know how to You Alright, I believe you, there was a demon. Oh, look, a second wagon. This is what you get for putting all the Chinese people down one end of the table, Dave. Yeah. And a second wagon is already arriving, kicking up dust,

and a figure steps through the dust. Even as Danza says, I believe you, a demon. Still, if the silver chorus has been kicked out of this area, it's not going to be good for us and our bread supplies. Maybe you could take over the bread supplies. That bread has been created. And you can already see a figure, as I said, slowly walking through the dust behind him.

That bread is a gift from the silver chorus provided by its paladins. They manifest it with the power of their beliefs and they feed it to us. No, they don't. It's freaking bread, dude. You know there's... You can make bread.

I can make bread. I did an internship as a baker about four seasons ago. Look around you, friend. Look around you. This is a desert. You know what we should have done? What? Do you remember last week

when we had that person who could make bread? Yeah We should have gotten them to make bread Yeah, hindsight Hindsight 2020 This is a desert, there is a war And if we are to remain here, we need food I don't know what I'm going to say to Elder Creed when he arrives

Sorry guys, it seems like people are concerning themselves with earthly things here. He's got the Strahd voice. It's Strahd. Stanza turns white, spins around and goes down on one knee and a ripple of pilgrims and followers of the Sonic Church all descend onto their knees as they prostrate themselves in front of

the figure emerging from the dust, draped in a beautiful technicolour sewn robe, majestic long hair hanging from a widow's peak, and a beautiful young face that you have seen many times before, reflecting in the early morning, end of night, pre-glow dawn. Hang on, which is it? Okay. What I'm realising,

when I said it was early, it was actually late. I said about 4am. It's about 4am. Because the figure, it wouldn't matter because the figure is one that you've seen before,

of course. It is Strahd von Zarovich. Returned to the figure of health and youth. Hey. Hey, you missed me? Of course you did, guys. Ooh. Hey. Hey, you missed me? Of course you did, guys. Ooh.

Hey. He hasn't noticed the dragon friends yet. No, no, no. He's walked up to Stanza. He's like, I'm so sorry. I know that you left me in charge. We've been trying to get the bread. Stanza.

Stanza, buddy. Buddy. Buddy. Buddy. There's just been a problem. Yeah, I'm tired. You couldn't trust charm. Whoa.

Couldn't trust charm. Mate, I'm fine if things have gone wrong, but I don't want to see you passing the bloody buck. You know what I mean? So why don't you go to a big old lap around the compound? You're making brother laps. Yeah, have a think about what you did. Of course, it's your choice.

But I would like you to do that, stating a preference. In the name of the sound of the sound of the name. Yeah, off you did. Of course, it's your choice. But I would like you to do that, stating a preference. In the name of the sound of the sound of the name. Yeah, off you go. And Stanza starts jogging a lap around the compound, which is quite large. Should we kill him? Look at him go, hang on a bloody second. And Strahd, like, hops down and, like, walks up to her.

Are you all here? Yeah. I think Bobby has slowly drifted with his new friend to stand in the vicinity of the dragon friends. Hello there. I fucking know you and you and you. What are you doing here? And you and you and he points along until he gets to two orcs

that he hasn't seen before. He's like, well, you guys know. Do I? Do I know you guys? Oh, yeah, you know me. What? You saw them perform in Vegas that time. We did the magic remember the...

Oh, the talent show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that needs work. That's not... On the night, you said it was really good. Yeah, but I've. Yeah, that needs work. That's not... On the night, you said it was really good. Yeah, but I've had some time to reflect. Oh, okay. You still doing that thing for your nephew next week?

Yeah, look, let's park that. Because the thing is, you know, initially it was quite impressive that you produced a boneless dove. Yeah. But as I was away, I was thinking to myself, I don't reckon that was meant to happen. Do you know what I mean? It was meant to be boneless.

Was it? It was meant to have no bones. Could you give us a real quick sec? Oh, of course. Cool. What are you doing here? That's mental. The saying could be said for you. We thought you're dead.

Oh. Yeah. I mean, I'm not... This is weird. Yeah. But I'm kind of happy to see him. Like, travel through time. Yeah.

Yeah, we know, obviously, not on best terms, but... I thought we were on good terms, weren't we? We're on good terms. Good to see a familiar face. Yeah. Strut. Hello, Fraser here, level nine Chinese. No, no.

As per Dave's request. Strut. What happened? Everyone think you're dead. Hey, guys, guys, guys. Can we just have a... It's funny. And he turns to the congregation.

He turns to the congregation. He's like, these are old. These are some pilgrims that I actually tutored some time ago. Strahd is a sort of honorific in their culture. So... I don't understand. This guy's a vampire, everybody. No, we don't know.

Let's test him. I would like you to look into this arcane mirror that I have. Now, before you say that, you just shouted out, this guy's a vampire. All right. There's all the figures of the sort of children's and youth of the Sonic Church look shocked

and they start to whisper, but none of them are really saying anything yet. He's cool. He's cool. We're with him. Yeah, guys, vampire in their custom basically translates

to leader. You know, it's like he's in charge. It's a funny old language. They have a beautiful saying. It's a... I hope I don't... Yeah.

Can we have a quick chat? Yeah. Dragon huddle? A dragon huddle with strut? Hey, why not? We should call it a dragon huddle with Strahd. Hey, why not? We should call it a dragon huddle. We should call it a... Don't care what you call it, let's just do it, hey?

Strahd has already walked towards the elders' quarters in the camp, which is one of the only standing structures, and he quickly opens up a heavily brocaded curtain and gestures quite forcefully for the four of you to come inside. Strahd. Hey, guys. Do you go inside? Yeah.

Two things real quick. Lovely to see you. Don't fuck this up for me. Okay? What going on? Shut up about me being old. Shut up about the vampire stuff. Yeah.

Okay? We've got a good thing going here and I'd really appreciate it if you, one of two things, your choice, this isn't like laps, you actually get a choice here, either toe the line or fuck off. Didn't Best on Sun kill you?

What? Yeah, he's right here. Byron's here? He's like with his dad who's dying. I don't know, he's mooching around someplace. His vibe was bumming us out, so we told him to do a lap. But he should be coming back soon. As you see that,

you see just through behind the curtain another, the figure of Stanza now quite sweaty running past as he runs past the quarters. He goes,

one, and then keeps running. Keep going, you're doing great. He's not doing great. He's got really bad form. You know what I mean? He's lifting the knees.

To be fair, running on sand is really hard. Yeah, to be fair. Byron's here. That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I know. Why not? It makes sense to you. Well, he'd be too old.

Let's gloss over how old I am because... Are you okay? You look hungry. I'm fine. You hungry? I don't want I'm fine. You hungry? I don't want a pork bun. You sure? I heard you offer it before.

Sorry, you just thought that I'd offer you a pork bun, did you? How interesting. How interesting. Dave, I know we've had a lot of fun tonight. Ben, just apologise so we can move on. Strahd and Ben both apologise. Notes app screenshot incoming. can move on. Strahd and Ben both apologise. No tap screenshot incoming, but

no, I'm fine, actually. I'm feeling good. Hey, how good do I look? What do you reckon? What do you reckon? Remind you of a young freedom fighter back in the day? What the fuck is going on with you? If you let us know what's going on, I promise

And Dave I'm crossing my fingers behind my back just so you know What are you doing with your fingers there? What? Scratching my butthole Well Do you think you could You promised what Friso? Well hang on one moment

Do you Could you... Would it be... It's supposed to be me go under and up. In an interesting technique, that's all. Yeah. Under and up. No, no, no.

You've got to go under and up. No, down the back. Listen, guys, no. You've got to go under and up. No, down the back. Listen, guys, I promise I'll be up front with you, all right? Some stuff happened that even I don't fully understand. Okay. All right? But listen, we've got some pretty serious problems. Did you say that you fucked with the bread people?

You should have seen this. We were there trying to help the refugees, weren't we, Filch? Yeah. And then out of nowhere... Hey, hey, hey, hey. Out of nowhere... Hey, don't bullshit a bullshitter. Out of nowhere...

A portal to hell opened up. Uh-huh. And then... Have you seen this Gorillons? Yep. Very efficient. So efficient. Oh, my goodness.

Very process-based. Honestly. And... Good with lists. He came out and he said look hey if it can be an email it shouldn't be a meeting. Okay. You seem to be pretty dedicated to lying so I'm just going to ask you again. Did a bread person

die? With you in the vicinity? I think a lot did. And did they know where you're from? Was Chime there with you? Yeah. Yeah we very clearly said church of the sound give I think a lot did. And did they know where you're from? Was Chime there with you? Yeah. Yeah, we very clearly said, Church of the Sound, give us our bread. Fantastic.

Give bread, stab, stab. Great. We've established we're absolutely fucked. Well, you're absolutely fucked. Now tell me more about why Byron's here. We'd like some bloody answers from you, mate. Yeah, no, we gave you one, so now you give us one. Well, you lied to me quite a lot.

No, no, he says, go on. That's only fair. An answer for an answer. What's your question? My. Well, you lied to me quite a lot. No, no, he says, go on. That's only fair. An answer for an answer. What's your question? My question, our question is... I have a question. Can I get a bacon and egg roll? With barbecue sauce.

Actually, as Stanza runs past the second time, he's like, Hey, Stanza, bacon and egg roll, please! Barbecue sauce. Yes, our question is... Why are you alive? Young, too. Well, that's reasonably insulting and that's quite nice.

No, because we've been away for... Yeah, we hit this whole wall because you're dead. Yeah, look, I was. And with every intention of staying that way. Alright? Let me just point out that in some ways I'm the victim here. Do you know what I mean? I've been dead as well, so I know what that's like.

Yeah, he died in space. Who's 21, Bobby? I'm... I mean... Am I remembering correctly? Dead brother. Dead brother. Dead brother.

Anyway, here's the thing. Stuff happens with Byron, which frankly I'd like to talk to him about, not you. If you're okay with that, thank you very much. Sometime passes, next thing I know, being dead, no longer the case. Huh. Yeah. Do you want me to fix that? What?

If you're feeling unnatural about this situation, do you want me to fix that? You said you had every intention of staying dead. Now, was that a lie? Because you accused us of lying. You're quite offended that we were lying to you, if we were. So if you're telling the truth... I would...

Friso, I would invite you to try. Okay. Dave, I've got the... Don't mess with my dead brother. I've got the nine lives... Steal a sword, I guess, Dave. I attack Straub with that. You're cool with this?

Into the heart. Lie down for a second. And then I'm going to go directly into the heart, Dave. I attack and that is a that is a that is a 19. Right, you stab the sword

which is a gift from Just in case, before I do it I say fuck us like a ding dong because one time that was what happened. You stab it into him the gift that which was a gift from... Just in case, before I do it, I say fuck us like a ding-dong because one time that was what happened, so... You stab it into him. The gift that was from a god in the land of Theros. It stabs into the chest of Strahd as he

recoils back in pain and staggers to his feet before smiling, winking at you and then pulls the sword out. The blade already drawing clean. But he says, oh, motherfucker, that hurt. Oh, now I'm all groggy. Oh, yeah.

Two baggy negros. Jesus Christ. Are you happy? Now, listen, I've just got one thing I've got to do and it has nothing to do with you cunts. And he throws the sword back to you. So, either help me with the shitstorm that's blowing in on the horizon so I can get back to work, or fuck off.

Jeez, alright. He's very aggressive, isn't he, Filch? Yeah. Do you have any calamine lotion? Is that for your itchy bum? It's very itchy. I don't know what happened. Here's the thing.

We can't end the episode on this. You're going to have to do something else. What is it? What do you want us to do and what's your job? What do you do for money? How do you live?

Listen to me. We've got time to explain. We'll have time later to explain it. But if what you said is true, then the silver chorus are fucking half days right away. I've got a bunch of kids, two magicians, an old man and you three. An army's coming over the corner. I need help.

Now, are you going to help me? Are you going to help us? Are you going to help Young Chime or not? He's invincible, so if we fuck off, they can kill him. Let's just go. What about the kids, though? Oh, yeah. No, well, I don't know their names, so I don't really know.

This is the Fred. I was at the door. No, the Pink Fred. The Pink Fred. Who the fuck is that? Who the fuck is that? Who the fuck is that? Is that Edward Norton?

Holy shit, what the fuck is that? Who the fuck is that? Is that Edward Norton? Holy shit, what the fuck? Why is that other orc not wearing a fedora? And in the great manner of meetings, at a time when it seems that the fate of hundreds lie in the balance, an accord is made between great warriors, powerful vampires, and words are said. You sound defeated, Dave. Don't let them see you cry, dude. And that, I guess, is as good an ending as one is likely to get on an episode of a podcast that we once called The Dragon Friends. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation.

This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive content every other week. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Don't worry Cos that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back

An extra few seconds You can always go back And another figure. Demi, speak up. Why was it funny that the woman had water gushing between her feet? You keep talking about a pissing statue. Yes, the statue's wetting itself, Ben Yep Train's left the station, it's fine

It's standing bestride a brook There is a brook between its legs The statue is not The statue is not Pissing itself What does the brook look like? Is she hot? This is the most alienating way to do

a podcast, Demi.