Dragon Friends - #8.13. These Consequences Weren't for You

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

An army approaches, with intent to destroy the First Sonic Church. Against impossible odds, The Dragon Friends may be faced with their greatest challenge yet: being held responsible for their actions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Everybody who enters is hitting me on the back because there is no space. It's nice, it's like, good on ya buddy! It's cosy, it's definitely cosy. Are you guys closer? Everyone feels closer. I think it's also that the house light's on. Don't take this the wrong way but I do not want to see you people. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry.

Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back. And let your peace and peace.

And always go back. Picture, if you will, a war unending, spanning a continent for a hundred years. Proud Barovia fighting true Carcosa with no end in sight. Far from the front lines of that war, a literal oasis of calm is the home of the first sonic church of the Siren. home of the first Sonic Church of the Siren, filled to the brim with teenage runaways and penitent pilgrims hoping to build a new life and a new faith away from the horrors of the war. That war, it seems, at last is coming. The churches of the free people have ever now sent their faith militant, the Silver Chorus, out to destroy the Sonic Church and wipe it from the desert. In no small part due to the intervention of a group of dissident heroes that we call the Dragon Friends,

who very recently assassinated a ranking official of the Chorus by dropping a very large, very angry gorilla demon on his head. Allegedly. This is all allegedly. This is allegedly. But this is alleged. But the man is very, very dead. In an hour or two, the sun will rise. The chorus will come with the dawn and the bloodshed will begin in earnest. All that stands in its way are the four of you.

The half-orc barbarian Filge. The halfling rogue Bobby. Frge, the halfling rogue Bobby, Friso, the human warlock, possibly Chinese, and the pink Fred. And welcome again to the podcast, Tom. And one other, the immortal vampire called Strahd

Von Zarovich, who you bested long ago in another timeline, but who has been nothing but a friend to the four of you in this one who is now beginning to wonder if he can trust you hey guys uh this has been a really good chat except for the bit where you stabbed me with a sword through the heart other than that like we set that aside the chat's been fantastic are you mad at me I'm a little bit mad at you you told him to do it I did but to be honest Filge I didn't think you would

Then I guess you don't know us very well See this is the thing I don't feel like I knew When we were fighting Cassus All those times ago I really felt like I knew you I could trust you But listen

I've just got to go have a conversation For reasons that I may have mentioned The impending army on the horizon Blah blah blah I've got to go have a chat Why don't you guys Retire to my chambers Help yourself to the You know reasons that I may have mentioned the impending army on the horizon, blah, blah, blah. I've got to go have a chat. Why don't you guys retire to my chambers, help yourself to the, you know, there's some Kit Kats in there.

Well, you are already in his sanctum in the desert. So that was quick. You're already there. In a modestly appointed chamber of the Father Elder Creed, there's a mini bar in the corner. There's a fork poster canopy bed. Stay out of the bed. Don't do anything weird in the bed. That's all I ask.

What do you mean? Well, don't fucking... I think I do know you well enough that you're going to do something horrible with your dick. So just... What, you think I'm going to fuck your bed? I don't know what you're going to... You know what?

Have you fucked your bed? Let's make this really simple. Just stay off my bed, okay? Okay, so what can we fuck? I just want to remind you and I I wanted to say this last episode but this is

Strahd Von Zarovich this is one of the true great evils we already tried to kill him Dave and it didn't work and that should have in some way impressed you

but if anything it seems to have made you more petulant. And he is no longer beginning to know if he can trust you and he looks at you cryptically and then he takes something off the mantelpiece, palms it away before you can see, and he walks over to the door. Is it a Red Bull can?

Dude, stride! Have you studied magic? Just a regular Red Bull can, if anyone would like to inspect it. Oh my goodness! Anybody would like to inspect that Red Bull can? Can you do the one where you have a bunch of cards, and then I pick one, and then it's on the roof? Can you do that one?

In time, my friend. In time, but for now I must parlay. Do you mean speak? Yeah, with somebody else who's not you. So goodbye, and he closes the door. Hey, Freezo. Yes, Fred. I just feel it's kind of weird that you would ask, you know,

someone that hasn't been with the group to do a magic trick, like, straight up, and, you know, I've been hanging out back here, just, you know, doing flourishes. Oh, you're a magician. You know, yeah. Do you know that the first time I met these guys, really, the first time we went on an adventure, I killed a magician.

I don't know why I told you that. If I'm honest. I thought you'd find it funny. I don't know why I thought you'd find it funny. Why do you tell anyone anything? Well, I just thought he's a magician. I've got a story about a magician. And it feels like you didn't like that.

I'd like to stand next to Bobby now, please. So, Bobby, we haven't met your friend. Who's this? It's the pink friend. We met a guy who looks just like him. You met my brother. The pink friend, I should also stress, is a very large, a very green, it has to be said, half-orc.

This one dressed... Greener than me? No, I mean, for someone called the Pink Fred, he's very green. It's dressed in the manner of a street performer. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm not actually that pink, but I'm actually just working on adjectives before the Fred because every good performer has to have a good adjective. So that's kind of what I'm actually just working on adjectives before the Fred. Because, you know, every good performer has to have a good adjective.

So that's kind of what I'm up to now. And I feel like you guys are looking for something. So maybe we can look for something together. Hands in. We could pitch you some other ones if you like. Yeah, absolutely. Guy who told me he killed a magician 10 seconds ago. It wasn't you.

I didn't kill you. Wait. I'm dead? Well, that's what I was going to suggest. That's a bit showy, you know. Dead rhymes with Fred. The dead Fred. And then people are like, oh, he's actually alive and that's, you know. Ben, can I have a

sidebar for a second? I did mention to them that in just an hour or two, the Red Chorus will come and kill to a child. I heard you say that, yes. Well, we were left here without specific instructions from Strut. Except not to fuck anything. Yeah, and eat Kit Kats.

So, I mean, what, you want us to take initiative? Do you think he's left us here so the Red Army will kill us? Is that why he left us here? And he's fucked off. I'm going to start rooting around his stuff. Has he got a bedside table? Make an investigation check for me. Wonderful. I wouldn't root around rooting around his stuff. Has he got a bedside table? Make an investigation check for me. Wonderful.

I wouldn't root around. No, sorry. Let me be clear. With disadvantage because you're all still exhausted from your time in the desert. Say a three. Okay, a three. Is anyone else making any investigations? Yeah, go on, Dave.

All right. Let me add it. Oh, no, wait. Am I at disadvantage as well? You are, yep. Then I got an 11. Wonderful. I got a four Am I at disadvantage as well? You are, yep. Then I got an 11. Wonderful. I got a 4.

Okay, 11 you got? Yes, I did. And what about you, Tom? I'll have a root. 3. 3, all right. Then the only one of you who manages to find something beyond the minibar, which you all help yourselves to, is you, Friso.

And what you manage to do is that you find a small secret drawer tucked into the side of the bed that you expertly click and it opens to reveal a small secret... It's a fleshlight he's put there so he can fuck the bed. A small secret stash. Of porno. There is a book. There is also a small bell.

A bell? Fuck bell. It's Pavlov. There is also a small bell. A bell? Fuck bell. It's Pavlovian. If you ring it, he comes. Or? Or do you ring it when you're finished? That's a pretty good pun, everyone. Anyway, sorry. That is a good pun. Thank you, Ben. Yeah.

Hey, Ting. Have a dice of inspiration. I can give them out. Yes. Yes. Thank you, I can give them out. Yes. Yes. Thank you, Ben. A drum sounds. It is 45 minutes till dawn.

But you go on doing whatever bullshit you feel like. What's the book, Dave? What's the book? I already asked you. You're wasting time, Dave. What's the book? Oh, I'm wasting time. The book is on the cover, frontispiece.

It says, On Matters of Faith. It looks like a theoretical text about divine magic. Okay. Are there any pages bookmarked or dog-eared? Oh, yeah, you can... Or fucked? No, no, you know what? Yes, there is a bookmark.

What page was bookmarked, please? Page 48, and there's a little passage underlined. Did you open it up? What's it say, Dave? Well, it's written in Loros. It's an old language of Netheriland. I speak Loros. Oh, you do, don't you? No, I don't. A drum sounds. It's 30 minutes till dawn.

Okay. You can make an Arcana check. Arcana check. It's a language of magic. That's a one, is what that is, Dave. No help. Alright, no, you can't. But if you can find someone who can speak La Roci and they'll be able to translate it for you.

Hey guys, just so you know, I think there's a secret room inside the statue. You know the statue with the pissing feet? Yes. If we needed to hide out somewhere during a battle, I think I saw someone disappear into it. Fred and I saw it, right? Oh yeah, when we had boys night. Yeah. Alright, let's go to the statue, it. Fred and I saw it, right? Oh, yeah. Well, we had boys night.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's go to the statue, Dave. Dave, you're wasting time. We go to the statue. You want to go to the statue? We're going to go to the statue.

All right. Are we going to take the bell or ding the bell? Yeah, we'll take the bell. We'll take the book. I'm going to take that bell. Did you want to ding the bell, Filch? I'm going to be honest. If Filch is looking at a bell, she's going to ding the bell.

You ding the bell? Yeah, I'm going to ding the bell. All right. You ding the bell. You ding the bell? Yeah, I ding the bell. All right, you ding the bell. You become replenished. Your exhaustion disappears. And the same happens to all of you. You all go back to maximum hit points as well. Ding that bell.

You feel better and better until you feel slightly empty. This is a bell of the true sound. It revives you of your exhaustion once every three days. It heals you to maximum hit exhaustion once every three days. It heals you to maximum hit points once every three days and for three days it removes your ability to make death saves. Oh, we never bothered doing them much anyway. So that'll be fine.

Wait, does that mean, Dave, if we die we just fucking die? Yeah. So what's happened is lockdown's been hard. We've had a couple of years where we've managed to keep doing the podcast. And I think there's been a point where I started going a little easy on you guys. And it's been eating away at me. And I can't quite tell if I'm right.

But I feel like I've lost a little bit of respect in the room. And so for the next three days, if you drop to below zero hit points, your character dies immediately. And in fact, any time you want to ring that bell for the rest of your adventures, you can make this happen again. Could we ring the bell at Strahd then kill him? Is that how that works, Dave? I mean, you could make...

I suppose if you make him ring the bell... So whoever's in that room gets affected by the bell? Is the bell portable? It's 30 feet. It's a small bell, yeah. But we can take it with us. I think Phil just already slipped it into a pocket. Great, okay.

We need to get Strahd to ring the bell. Then I'll fuck-a-sucker-ding-dong stab him in the heart. Let's put on a play and we'll cast him in the play. And his character has to ring the bell. He'll be a butler. He'll definitely want to be in a play at this time while we're in war. This is perfect. Yeah, that's

why I said it. Alright, let's go to the statue. Let's go to the room. Friso goes to the door and tries to open it and there is a click. Strahd has clearly locked you all in the room. Are we in a tent? No, this is the only self-standing structure. Right, okay.

What's the door made out of? Heavy reinforced oak. That's all right. Can I have a crack at picking the lock? You certainly can. You're no longer exhausted. All right, that's a natural 20. Okay, well done.

Sucked in, Dave. We've escaped your little escape room. Yes, you have. Congratulations, Hing. There's a click and the door opens and you are out into the just-before-predawn light of the camp and you can see that there is activity all around. There are pilgrims sharpening spears and weapons,

but nobody seems to pay much mind to the four of you as you sneak out into the open. Let's go to the statue and investigate the statue, Dave. Okay, who's leading? And what are we observing as we're running around? Are there people getting ready for war and stuff? That's correct, yeah. Pilgrims, it seems.

Very, you know, young children and old men sharpening plowshares into spears, putting together weapons and getting ready for a fight that you know is going to be brutal because you've seen the efficiency of the silver chorus when you were in Lorc. All right, investigate the statue, Dave. No, first of all, you're going to have to sneak your way up there. So you're leading. I sneak towards the statue.

All right, make for me a stealth check DC 18. 18, that's 15, plus three's 18. Suck that, you sh... Sorry, Dave. Sorry, Dave. Really just trying to tell a story together. No, you've worked really hard on the story, and you're not trying to...

Keep forgetting you're not the enemy, Dave. Okay, Friso leads the way, and with a patter of not-elven feet, he makes... What kind of feet, Dave? Just normal, normal feet. Or weird feet, if I'm honest. Probably weird feet. Wow, are they weird, are they?

You think they're bound or some shit, Dave? What the fuck, man? As you make your way to the oasis, and soon you stand at the foot of the statue of the siren, close enough even to touch it. Bobby, you're there as well. No one, it seems for now, has seen any of you. So, I don't know, Fraser,

we saw flapping curtains and someone disappeared into it. So can you open sesame this or something? Open sesame, I say to the statue. Dave, anything? No, of course not. Why would that work? That's what Simon just said. We'll take that up with Simon.

Let's do it in a can of check. 14 plus a can of is 17. Hing, you are rolling really well tonight. Look, I'm not even cheating. No. What a strange thing to say. As you get closer, Hing, you realise that the statue, the entire back of the statue is a permanent illusion

and you can pass your hand through into it if you want. Let's all... Do you want to go in the statue? Do we have to go into the butt? Yeah, let's climb in this ass. Well, it's about the size of... I'd say it's about a foot across. You can get your hand in there if you want.

Again, I said the small of the back. I'd jam my hand. Yeah, stick your hand in, feel around. I'd jam my hand in, Dave. You feel the rustle of silk and then something collapses against you. You stagger under the weight, and you fall backwards. And all of you see for a second what looks like the reclining corpse of a woman in a white dress. Oh, no.

Fall out of a hollow in the back of the statue. What the fuck? And then there is a tinkle of bells, and she disappears into mist. And in her place is a small crystal sphere. And inside that sphere you can see a figure of a girl in a white dress. Inside the sphere? Yeah, about the size of your fist. Fuck, man.

And you know, again, because of your good arcana roll, that this is some kind of... Sphere. Yep. Like a pool ball or something? Sort of a... Size of a pool ball? I think it's about the size of... Whenever Dave is thinking of a sphere,

here's a little thing for you. Whenever Dave is thinking of a sphere, he is definitely thinking of the sphere from The Labyrinth. Oh, right. I don't want to explore that too much, but I think you're basically right that movie really made a big impact on me I've Darren Browned you

I'm going to knock on it you recognise it it's a phylactery it is something that has been the vital essence of a figure has been stored inside it. I'm going to tap on it. Hello, lady.

Ball lady. Ding dong. She doesn't seem to stir or slumber. Wait, she doesn't stir or slumber? No, but you can see... What's she doing? What's she doing in there? She's doing jumping jacks.

I think that's the middle ground. She's frozen in miniature and as you hold it up to your eyes, you can see clearer now as the crystal is becoming more and more transparent. You can see that it is a woman in a white dress who has a sword speared through her midsection with her eyes closed and a beautiful

expression of tranquility on her face. Oh, this is the body of the person we're looking for? Is that Petrina? Is this Petrina Collier? Petrina Velikovna? Yep.

I think that's someone who's in the US Open, son. I love sports, guys. What can I say? Yes, congratulations. You do recognise this now as the body of Petrina. So if we get this back to the fucking guys, we're done. We're done. We're out of here.

I don't care if all these old men and young children... I mean, I do care, obviously. But that will stop the war, the first war, before this other war that we started. This is a different war. This is not the war. Well, then call it even. Yeah.

End one war, start one war. Let's call the whole thing off. All right. Fred, you're at the back. I need you to make for me quickly a perception check. Hell yeah. I got a nine plus minus one. And I believe that's an eight.

Okay. The Fred who is dutifully keeping guard at the back means that none of you need to worry too much about who's behind you. Come on, dude. Don't worry about it, guys. Especially you. So suddenly, before any of you can realise, you suddenly hear footsteps up the path of two figures

talking to themselves as they're rounding the way towards the statue. Are they talking to themselves or each other? They're talking... Well, they're talking to themselves as they're rounding the way towards the statue. Are they talking to themselves or each other? They're talking, well, they're talking to, I say. Both of them are talking to themselves. The reason I say talking to themselves is because I know it's going to be Ben Shankett's having a conversation with himself. But no, it is the voices of Mistress Cassador and Strahd Von Zarovich. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Hello. You hear Strahd and he's like, do they hear him distinctly or are we doing little grabs? No, they can hear him. The sound carries over the ocean. He's like, you know I don't like this. You know I don't, you know I'm just, you know, I just don't think they're the people I once knew.

I mean, they could have been real allies, but, you know, do you know what I'm thinking? And then Castador's like, what is it that you're thinking? And she's like, he's like, well, first of all, just let me talk and don't interrupt anymore. For the next three to four paragraphs, just zip it. And then you don't hear anything because she does zip it.

And he says, you know, I just feel like I'm not a bad guy. I don't think I'm a bad guy. I don't think I'm a bad guy. Not if you think I'm a good guy. See, you're nodding. That's good. I just, these guys, they started this whole problem with the fucking bread people. I've got kids out here and the elderly. I reckon we could appease the silver chorus if we just gave them over.

You know, I over good about it. I'm not, you know, I don't have a big stiffy thinking about giving him over. Don't look at me like that. Just a turn of phrase. I'm just saying that if we did that, then I reckon they'd fuck off and we'd be back to sort of, you know, the plan. No, you're right. You're right. I'll think about it some more. Do you feel saner since you started doing this podcast? I'll think about it some more. Do you feel saner since you started doing this podcast?

Mm-hmm. Great. They're going to be on you in a second. You have a chance to act. They haven't seen that you're there, obviously. He thinks he's talking unguarded. How much space is in the statue? Inside the statue?

Can we cram in the statue? There is the space for one small body. Anyone but Filge or the Fred could probably fit in. But I think... Are we right in thinking that what happened was they put her body in that and the statue is what turned her into the phylactery? Or no? Oh, maybe. Is that what happened, Dave?

Is the statue magic? Who is Dave? You don't know. No, no, no. Dave's my friend. Hing thinks if he goes inside that he's going to get turned into a ball. Are you going to make me into a ball, Dave? Oh, like one of those vending machines.

Gosh, you're fine. Is this some sort of Willy Wonka bullshit, Dave? You're going to get squashed out like one of those weird pennies. Are you going to perform an experiment? How are you going to find out? Hey, Fred. Yeah, buddy. We're all battle-hardened warriors.

And I'm worried that if shit hits the fan, you might not be able to fight as bravely as the three of us. If you'd like to hide, you can hide in this statue and be safe. Oh, wow, that's so thoughtful of you. Well, I guess if a true friend would suggest that to me. Now, Dave, this is a persuasion roll. It is a persuasion roll. I think it's largely academic. He's not going to

fit. Oh, but I'll try. If he persuades me, I will go in head first if you want to try something. 10 plus persuasion, 616. Why don't you oppose that by your wisdom? And what wisdom a magician or

Kaz. Let us see. I can't even find it. 13 plus. Hot. Negative one. 12. 16 wins. With a trusting look on his face, the pink Fred takes his head and moves it into the void that you had recently vacated with the body of Petrina and starts rummaging it around. So you can make a quick investigation check for me if you want.

Yeah, I'd love to. What can you see for it? 13 plus... Investigation? Oh, yeah, six. Okay, that's... 19. 19.

You see a glowing rune, and as your eyes adjust, you see it closer and closer to your face, and you could just make it out before... Guys, it's a glowing rune! You realise that it is a glyph of exploding. Make for me a DC... You just can't stand me not on the fucking piano.

I didn't do this to you. I didn't do this to you. Look at me. I didn't do this. Dave did this. Make for me... I'm not your enemy. I did actually request this character have the thickest skull possible. A DC 18 constitution check. 18?

Yes. That's a 16. Plus constitution. Okay. Plus what? 17? 17 is no. Yeah.

Let me just check if that's more than 18. All right. I just want you to know, I was trying to argue. I was on your side. You really worked so hard. By trying to change What numbers mean I would do that for you Tom

I would do that for you You take 36 hit points of damage Fuck But it's fine guys Because I get my saving I got 27 HP Now hang on Dave Is that less or more than 36?

I like how you tried to punish everyone here but the person who's played like the second time. You need to believe me when I say that these consequences weren't for you. It's okay. And I am truly sorry but I'm going to have to take your character sheet. Oh my God.

No, don't take Tom's character sheet. He should survive, Dave. you can throw yourself on the exploding wood and the fred is dead i mean at least the name now. And he will never be known as a magician. Now... Oh, he really is Oh, but there's that perv from the last season. Wait, don't you have another

very similar character that you played? Oh, hang on, here's the thing. Last episode we were saying how it's the prestidigitation where they switch places. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. What you didn't know was that those characters

actually I mean I can do the voice for either but I like that one more. So they switched and it was actually the other brother. When did they switch

and how? Before. Which moment? Which moment did they switch? Well I guess there was when us we were talking to Stroud for a long time

and we were like catching up and they didn't really have anything to do with it. Probably the stabbing. That would be the... So you've prestiged the game. That's what you're telling me. Oh, yeah. It was a simple prestige.

I'll let you make one more intelligence save. You've ripped up my fucking character sheet now, Dave. One of your characters is dead, but we're going to find out which one. So if you can make an intelligence save, also DC 18, it's against Strahd. That's a 13. Alright, well what that means is unfortunately... Is that more or less?

You are dead, but you do not need to leave, Tom, because when I introduced this no death saves character sheet idea, I was trying to think about how this would work, and I have a new idea, which is that if your character dies, you can have a new character, but the character is one level lower. So before the show, I went on Twitter and I asked Dragon Friends fans

to just give me some of their characters. So you can take any character from this sheet that you want, and they will be another pilgrim that we will find soon. So, Tom, we will meet your character soon, but for now you can have a little look, because the sound of the explosion has alerted someone else, and Strahd Von Zarovich comes running onto the scene. Are we covered in blood?

Yes. Oh, you're all covered in orc blood. Yeah. Right, okay. There is a decapitated body of a half-orc that everyone feels a little bit bad about on the floor, and you're all covered in orc blood. Right, okay. There is a decapitated body of a half-orc that everyone feels a little bit bad about on the floor and you're all covered in blood. What the fuck did you do?

What did we do? No, that was... You killed my friend. And he's not even listening. He's headed for the statue. He's in a mad panic. Where is it? Where is she?

Where's what? Where's the body? Now, which one of you is holding the crystal? I was, but it's in my pocket. Make a stealth check for me very quickly. Oh, yeah, that's nine plus stealth is 12. All right, and I rolled a five with plus stride. That is 11, so you're okay.

And I didn't even cheat, Dave. And he, again, okay. He is apoplectic with rage as he starts tearing through the statue and then the sand and then the body of the half-orc, their pockets, looking. Yeah. What are you looking for? Like an orb or something?

Don't be... What? What are you looking for? Why did you say orb? You said orb before. I didn't say orb. I said body. You said orb.

I said body. You said orb. All right, who am I closest to? Right now, you are closest to Frieza. You're walking up towards Friso and you're pushing up towards the wood of one of the few palm trees that are around the oasis. Okay, I'm just going to go for him.

Okay, he lunges for you to grab you. What do you want to do? I am going to turn into gas and run away. This is an initiative test, opposed to initiative. Can't kill gas, can you, fucko? Make an initiative test for me. That's a 13 plus two. Plus 15.

Four, Strahd Von Zarovich. What's that? 17. I rolled an eight plus three, which is 11, which is lower, so I'm going to use my dice of inspiration you gave me earlier, Ben. Fuck! It was a good pun, so... That's a 19, you dumb idiot!

Plus three is 22. Shut the fuck up. I'm corn gas. Fuck off. Friso disappears into a puff of gas and the only one behind him is Bobby. Estrade lunges towards him, making an initiative check for me as well.

Bobby? That's a four. And Bobby is grabbed by the neck and pulled up against the wood and smashed hard against the wood and smashed hard against the wood and takes 16 points of damage. Woofy doofy. But now we go into combat and Bobby, you can react even though you're being grappled if

you want. I think I'm pretty shocked at the death of my brand new friend. So I think I'm pretty catatonic at this stage. I will let you delay your action then, in which case we go to you, Filch. And we already know that he can't be killed. No, that's not true. He can regenerate quite quickly. If you get him to zero hit points,

he will die. But when you stabbed him, you gave him time to regenerate. Is there anyone moving a piano above our heads right now? Not that you can see. Always pays to check, though. You also know that he takes damage from stakes. Remember you found this in season, I want

to say, two? 2016? Does that feel right to anyone? Stakes? Yeah, wooden stakes. All right, I get out my javelin. And I say, hey, Stratton, not what it looks like. Don't want to do this to you.

Then give me the fucking orb. I don't know how to tell you, but the orb is corn now. You gotta trust me, buddy, when I tell you the orb is corn. Do you know what I have done? How much I have sacrificed that you are fucking up right now? Tell me. Do you know how hard it is to raise a body from the dead? Who raised a body?

You said you got raised. What body are you talking about? I don't know how it happened to me, but it didn't happen to her. Do you know how much work and planning and preparation I have put in and now you're telling me that Petrina is corn? You're trying to bring her back? Shut up! That's so cute.

I've got my friend down here but that's so cute. That's so nice. That's... Because you love her? Yeah! And while you're saying this I'm going to need your action. What are you doing? Stabbing him in the heart.

Do it. Kill him. Kill him, Alex. Kill him. Yeah, kill him. I'm joking. I'm joking. That was a joke, Dave.

Kill him. Kill him. I'm not slowly stabbing him in the heart. Oh, my God. Tell me more. That's a sign. I feel just romantic. She's moved by this.

Okay. So what more is it going to take? It's going to take a new God. Okay? It's going to take a new God. What do you think this whole thing is about? The old gods won't raise her, so we make a new one. We get a bunch

of people to believe in a god. The god exists. The god does what I say. She's back, okay? It's not that fucking hard. I just need the orb. Well, you should have put her somewhere more secure. You put her in a statue's butt. I mean, literally just reached in and grabbed it. Do I still have Bobby or did I just slam him?

No, Bobby is being held up. He's not doing anything at the moment. Are you trying to reach out to Strahd? Yeah, because, you know, it's still in the past. We can set Strahd right. Okay, well, you stabbed him, told all of his followers that he's a vampire and then spent a lot of time asking him for a bacon and egg roll in the last adventure. Yeah, but not in a malicious way.

Okay, this is persuasion check for me, Filch. And I don't mean to make this feel risky, but again, Bobby's life is kind of in Strahd's hands right now. Okay. Okay, I say, look, we'll help you. How? We've been gods. We've been gods.

If you're looking for someone who doesn't know how to make a god, we've been gods. I know how to make a god. I'm in the middle of making a god. It was going swimmingly, and then you killed the bread people. Some bread people, okay? Now, I'm going to need a persuasion check if you want to stop him. I've got an idea but I can't talk to my friends about it. Look, we're going to do what you want.

Huh? We'll hunt down Friso. I'll get you that orb. Yeah. Because love is real. And if you think love can save you, then we'll help you save your love. We'll hunt down Friso. We'll get your orb back.

You can bring her back. All right. And he seems to calm down. You can trust us, Strahd. Make a persuasion check. This is the moment. 15. 19.

19 for persuasion versus strides. I roll. Plus two for your wisdom save. 16. He looks, is deflated for a second. His hand goes slack and Bobby falls down to his feet. If anyone's going to know how to find him, it's you guys. But one thing.

Uh-huh. Who'd thing. Uh-huh? Who'd you say uh-huh to? Myself. Okay. He said, but one thing, uh-huh? You bring me the orb. You bring me the orb before the silver chorus get here and you bring me the elf as well because he has to answer. Just a slight word about that.

He's not an elf anymore. He's possibly Chinese. I'm sorry. That's fair. He's not an elf anymore. He's possibly Chinese. I'm sorry. That's fair. A lot of stuff was happening. In my defence, for most of our interaction just now, he was gas. Possibly Chinese gas. He looks at the sun and he goes, just starting to creep over the door,

and he says, I reckon you have about 30 minutes, so best hop to it, dragon friends. And for reasons that I don't think we need to go into or that you need to explain to anybody, I'd better be going. And stay out of my setch's ass. And he walks stalking up towards the figure that you can see the distance that is obviously Mistress Cassidor looking imperious in her ivory mask as the two of them make their way to his sanctum. Crossing along past a pilgrim who is what, Tom? I'm a tortle. A what?

A tortle. You're a tortle? Yeah, what's that? Like it sounds on the tin, to be honest. You're like a turtle man? I suppose so. Big shell. What's your class?

I'm a druid. You're a tortle druid? Do you have a name? Yeah, Logan the Huge. All right. Yeah. All right. Great.

So one person is like, yes. The tortle druid. Oh, yeah, you finally got an adjective. Yeah, hey. Is this like a thing? Yeah. Okay, cool. And what's Tortle's name? Sorry, Logan. And what's Logan Yeah, hey. Is this like a thing? Yeah. Okay, cool. And what's Tortle's name?

Sorry, Logan. And what's Logan's voice like? Do we have a voice? Well, I thought a Tortle would usually speak really slow like that. So I'm going to do a little fun improv thing. Flip it. He's going to talk like this. Hello.

How about that? Oh. How big are those animals? They're big. He is wider and a beak higher than Filch. Wider and higher than Filch? Yep. That's a normal thing to say, right?

That's enormous. That's like as big as a room. This is an old race, an ancient race. They're very slow, sedentary. They call me Logan the Huge, not Logan as big as a room. How the fuck did they miss him before? They didn't miss him. They've seen him immediately.

You're a pilgrim at the Silver Chorus. Not the Silver Chorus, at the Sonic Church. You've been waiting here. You've spent a day at Pilgrim's Rest. And now you are planning to skip town because you've heard news that the Silver Chorus are coming. Skip town very fucking slowly, animation. Oh dear, oh dear.

Better gather all my things. Slowly now. Quickly, quickly, quickly. Grab the bag. That's right. Better gather all my things. Slowly now. Quickly, quickly, quickly. Grab the bag. That's right. Going for the bag. Reaching down. Quickly, quickly.

As fast as humanly, as turtley possible. That's a bit funny. Yeah. Still going for the bag now. Oh, it's getting closer. The dragon brain's going to say anything to him or is this just lovely background work? Oh wait, so it's me and Bobby.

Yeah. Bobby, so sorry about your friend who died, but you never know when another friend is just around the corner. What about this guy? Will he fill the hole? I'm the whole shiny zipper. Quick question. We're just in market for my new sad friend.

Wait, for new friend for my sad friend. What is your favourite food? Oh, my favourite food? Kelp. Eh? Eh. Vampires or werewolves? This is a bit of a fun sort of team building thing.

I was worried about being killed a second ago. This is a bit fun. Hang on, let me just lean back up a bit of a fun team building thing. I was worried about being killed a second ago. This is a bit fun. Hang on, let me just lean back up a bit. I want to point out... Logan, I just want to remind you that they are all covered in blood. Oh, hello, hello, hello. What's going on here? Hopefully not your blood.

No, my friend died. Oh, my friend is on me. In my mouth. My ears. My shirt. Best to move along, I think. Total, what do you think? Why don't you two both say the most important aspect of friendship on the count of three.

One, two, three. Never dying on your friends. What? I said speak worth. What the fuck does that mean? Is that an ancient total custom? Absolutely. It exists.

Speak worth was a tradition that we used to do as a family where we'd all sit around and we'd just talk. There'd be two teams. There'd be a first speaker, a second speaker. It's high school debating. Well, I suppose if you put it that way. There'd be some sort of topic or emotion that we would, I guess, discuss both for and against.

I didn't know you were taught to yourself. Why, of course. The drum sounds is the final watch. It is 15 minutes to sunrise, and now you can hear that drum answered by battle horns. Clarion calls loud and proud of the silver chorus who are marching, riding in on white chargers and chariots towards the Sonic Church. And you can already see by the preglow of the dawn, huge dust clouds kicking up from

the west. What are we doing? What are we? I'm not here, by the way. I'm like wiping gore from my face. Are we giving Strahd back? What are we doing? Man, me freaking out. Me feel like

things got really out of control. We feel like we did usual thing and now heaps of kids are gonna die. So, like, we gotta find Friso. Who knows where he's gone? I don't want more people to die. Too many people have died. I don't want anyone else to die. We can't more people to die. Too many people have died. I don't want anyone else to die. We can't let the kids die.

Well, then we have to give ourselves up. Is that what you're saying? Give ourselves up to what? The silver chorus. Okay. Yeah, let's just do it. Find Friso and then give ourselves up. And while you're saying that, let's cut quickly because Friso, you've had about 45 seconds to two minutes.

What have you got up to in that time? In that time, Dave, I've found an escape plan. Like, I've found horses or something, or a chariot or something. And Friso's been told he has to return the body to the other war front, and so that's what he's doing. By who? I don't know. Whoever told this, Dave.

No, no, no. So you've disappeared from the party. The party have sent a messenger to tell you what's going on? No, no. I know that. Because remember, we can't get out of here until we return the body to the... Borov. To Agent or General Borov or whatever. So I already

know that, Dave. So what you're saying is that in those two minutes suddenly there's a rumble and they look around and a recently purloined cart appears. Whether it's a cart or a horse or whatever it is. That's very permissive of you, thank you. Let's say it's a... You can give me a sheep or something, I don't care.

Okay, it's a sheep, it's a single sheep. But obviously... You said I could give you a sheep, it's a sheep. But it's a sheep that I can ride and stuff. No, it's just one. No, I was going to give you a cart But no it's just one sheep Okay Dave

Okay Friso shows up And he has a sheep No no I haven't escaped I used that two minutes You've left to the dragon I'm leaving

That's what I mean Dave I'm out of here Oh wow You're riding your sheep I'm returning Yeah or a horse or whatever you want to give me. A Ferrari or something. Out into the desert. The perilous desert.

The desert that none survive. That they go into. You are going to, like Strahd when he founded the cult, you are going to walk into the desert. With a sheep. They didn't talk about a sheep in the old tales. That's good. You can do that.

He's been trying to kill me all night. Can I have a horse, Dave? You know what? Let's do this again. I will do an investigation check to see what animals are available. Let's cut back to Simon and Alex. After a while, it becomes... Sorry, Total.

We've got a lot going on right now but we could really do with a friend. Would you sacrifice yourself to an army that definitely wants to kill you just to save a bunch of kids and elderly people? I'm so old. That sounds like a beautiful way to go out actually. People

I've just met. Bobby just flings his arms around him and starts sobbing into his shell. I've got a bit of your friend in my mouth now. All right, Friso doesn't reappear. So it seems that he's left you. Well, should we try calling out for him? I mean, for all the good that it'll do, give it a shot. Oi, Friso!

Are you calling, bro? There's no response. And just a little note. Oh yeah, there's a note pinned to a palm tree. What does it say? It says gone to Agent Borgon with a question mark.

And there is nothing else. This is from Friso. Gone to Agent Borgon. Question mark. He's gone back home to the sky, to his own planet. If he's gone, you can't return the orb to Strahd. So what do you want to do? Well, it's either Strahd kills us and that's it,

or we give ourselves up and at least we save some old people. And kids. Alright, me gonna write back O It's not out. No, no, no. What are you gonna write back on the tree? On the note on the tree. O dot K.

And Bilge takes out her big beefy hand and Bobby takes his little hand and he puts it in hers and you walk, I suppose, up to the caravan where Strahd is waiting. Are we going to go straight? We're going to give ourselves up to the chorus. The chorus aren't here yet. Well, we're going to walk out to meet them. Yeah.

Can we have a horse or a sheep or something? Yeah. Oh, what about that lovely cart with two very strong horses? Oh, come on! Sure, you can have the cart with very strong horses. All right, and so we say, Total, death mission? I'm in.

What's my... Yeah. In it. Yeah. In it. Yeah. The three of you ride out just beyond the first Sonic church and you... Do you have a flag or anything? How are you going to try and stop them from thundering past you to massacre everyone at the church? Well, we should tell them we should be yelling out...

We killed your friend. What flag says we killed some of your guys, but we're giving ourselves up? What about a white flag? Is anyone wearing anything white? Well, not me anymore. No, we're all pretty covered in blood.

Is he a turtle? Does he have a ninja turtle sort of bandana? He does but unfortunately it's orange denoting that he's the party dude. I have to change my voice up. Am I right about that? What about, don't the ninja turtles have white bandages on their knees and elbows? No, they also match

the bandanas I think. You might be wearing white underwear perhaps? Over the top of it with like nothing else. Yeah. Yeah I take that off and my enormous tortle dick comes falling out. Somewhat undercutting the beautiful moment but nonetheless. Damn. And we let that

beautiful Tortle's got a hog. That tortle's hog holder flying in the sky and we hold hands and I say, you know what, Bobby? I kind of feel good about this. I feel better than I have in a long time.

And picture, if you will, as the sun crests the hills over the Sonic Church, illuminating a beautiful statue of a woman reclining in front of an oasis, a beacon of hope for so many people in a land torn by war. There are three figures, a halfling who perhaps yet has found something to live for, his best friend in the world, a half-orc barbarian waving a pair of Y-fronts in the breeze, and a tortle with a big old dick just standing by the side waiting for the justice that will soon befall the dragon friends thank you

it's dnd motherfuckers the cast of dragon friends for this week is alex lee Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty. Dave Harmon is our Dungeon Master with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and special live guest accompaniment by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new

episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive content every other week. Until next time. Don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back.

And kill your friends. You can always go back. An extra few seconds. You can always go back. One last thing. Simon, what have you got in your hot little hands? This is a recipe book called... What have you got there?

That's some Dragon Friends fans and all the wonderful artists that do a lot of our art that you've seen have put together. The money for this is being donated

to Food Bank and today is the last day that you can pre-order that. So if you go to the dragonfriends.com slash cookbook.

Yep. It's a cookbook. It's a cookbook. It's a cocktail. It's mostly there's four recipes in it. There's like I think it's 30 pages of cocktails and recipes.

Every page illustrated. Beautiful art. Deep cut Dragon Friends art. We'll leave it up the front because we trust you guys not to steal it. You can leaf through it and this is the last day to pre-order. That's the day to get the physical copy. Yeah, you can buy digital copies, but the last day if you want a physical copy. Yeah, and you should get it because it's fucking sick.

That's it. Good night. Thank you. Thanks, guys. want a physical copy yeah and we yeah you should get it because it's fucking sick that's it good night thank you