Dragon Friends - #8.14. The Kevin Smith Riff Train

Episode Date: October 2, 2022

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Should we just crack into the second half? I think we'll just crack in, yeah, because we started late, so no point to fuck around. No, no point to fuck around. No, it's just going to be serious. That was the fuck around portion. This is all going to be very serious Dungeons & Dragons for the second half, so...

If anybody... If we've got any rules heads in the audience, don't worry, there's going to be a lot of that coming up. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again

And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back And kill your friends You can always go back And in the second age It was decreed by the domains of good That there should be a faith militant ready to protect the downtrodden and protect the interests of the vestigial and sacred in these forgotten realms. And they did come together in a great accord.

And the churches did ally themselves to the cause of righteousness. And they called themselves the Silver Chorus, and burnished was their armor, and proud was their horses. Because they had the best jobs that horses can get. Even now, marching out for a new mission to take down an evil cult, dissident and wicked, somewhere in the desert Anorak,

led by the proud commander, Lord Gearheart the Brave. As they come across the figures of three in the desert next to a very well-equipped wagon, one of them quite naked, and skidder to a halt. Company, halt! You, out of the way. We ride for the church,

and you interfere with our stead. Yeah, you interfere with our stead. White flag! That's not a flag, that is a pair of underpants. Well, it's flapping. It's what? I don't know what to tell you, buddy. That's our white flag.

And that one there, is that his penis? It's flapping. It's green? It's got an orange sort of strap around it to match the... The party dude. He's the party dude.

He loves to fuck pizza. Come on, Geyard, we have no time for this. Wait! The Sonic Church is not responsible for what occurred. We claim and accept full responsibility. Please call off your engines of war. Call off your soldiers. There are children and elderly people who are completely innocent.

We are the ones who are guilty. Take us and leave them be. You are guilty? You are the ones that killed Chaff the Shield Bearer?

You want to say yes? A bread guy? And you think that I ride out here with a silver host because of the death of one priest? You seem pretty cut up about it. When he died. Disabuse yourselves of your pride, for it will be your downfall.

We are here for one reason and one reason only. The destruction of that abomination they call Von Zarovich. Oh, what you got against him? He plans something truly wicked here. He is raising up a church. He has designs to make himself or one close to him a god and disrupt these worlds as we know it. And if you stand with him, you will fall.

Anyone who stands with him children the elderly they must die this church must be rendered unto dust and all must forget its name what do you stand for you are the silver chorus you exist merely to protect

the downtrodden and the cause of righteousness and he goes oh I'm gonna kill these kids because they're friends with strife. What are your proud horses thinking about this? If I was one of your proud horses, you know what I'd be right now? An ashamed horse. An ashamed horse. That's right.

And as third speaker, I reckon that you're also got... I'd like to surmise that you are not being very fair to these people. And I put my pants back on. It takes 15 minutes. Just kind of roll it up. Sure, okay, you're not interested in us. I do not have time for this. Inquisitor Meerson?

Yeah, I was listening. Sorry, what? While I was listening. Sorry, what? Well, I was listening. What did you just put in your pocket? What was that? It was not a Game Boy. Banish these fools so that we can continue our quest. Very good, sir.

And as for the rest of you, if you learn one thing today, remember this. As you wander through the desert, you have made the wrong friends and the wrong enemies, and you will suffer. And with that, Meerson casts a holy sigil on all of you. The air turns white as the banishment spell takes effect. Wait, Stroud, it's vulnerable to wood stakes.

You are all transported into a white desert. Milk dimension? The cart is gone. Your bags are gone. You are no longer hungry. You are no longer tired. And the road seems to go on forever around you. The air seems strange and unsettled.

And those of you, such as Bobby, who were wounded, look at your wounds and discover that they are healed. Wow. Toro, you know where we are? I wish I did. Well, actually, you are a druid. I do know. I'm glad you asked. You are ordained in those secret mysteries,

so make for me a wisdom check. I'd love to. Listen, Filch, it's 17. You're pretty sure that you've been transported to another plane, that you are no longer in the Forgotten Realms? The desert Anorak is a magical desert. Those who wander into it often end up in strange places. So you know the other plane we were on just before?

Yeah. We're not on that one anymore. Okay. Is this like kind of an imaginarium kind of situation where we can just Like will something Into being Yes absolutely

Pizza Orange juice Nothing happens It's a shame It means you're not Trying hard enough You've really got to Believe in it

Alright beast of burden And someone Riding towards us And you can see Suddenly Riding out of the glare You see a figure Of an emaciated-looking,

but very tranquil sheep walking next to it, his shirt clothes torn, ripped into makeshift bandanas to keep the glare out of his eyes, his cheeks sunken and dehydrated, his fingers black with the burden of an impossible journey and a small water skin tied around his neck.

Nestled next to, on a bare chest, it has to be said, a holy symbol of Palor, is a figure that you recognise as Friso Frisofferson. Oi! Oh! Friso Frisopherson. Oi! Oh! Friso! Filch! Friso!

Bobby! Is that a sheep? Oh, this is my sheep! Bah! This is our friend. He's a turtle. Hello. He's got a big one.

Don't be weird about it. We haven't mentioned it so far. Hell yeah, brother! Now, you are almost delirious with lack of water. You've travelled for days, Friso. For you, this has been about two weeks of wandering into the desert, but you have somehow survived. Well, I had my water skin, Dave. Yes, yep, for the first day you had a water skin.

And then I imagine, Dave, I found several oases along the way. The sheep's going, bah! But Friso, because he can hear the sheep, but no one else can. Friso can understand sheep. Yeah, he can understand the sheep. But the sheep's going, he drank his piss. He drank his piss, guys.

Jerry, shut the fuck up. He drank so much. Jerry, shut the fuck up. Bah, bah, bah. Jerry, Jerry, shut the fuck up. Well, you drank your piss. I drank your piss as well, Jerry. You drank your shit.

I drank both our piss. And like really, really soon. Why am I wasting the water? The And like really, really soon. Why waste the water? The water skin's full of water. Yeah, so the water skin's full of water. Full of water. You didn't touch the water. Yeah.

What did you want me to do, Jerry? I wanted you to drink the water. I said drink the water. Well, that's going to run out. Whereas you keep making piss for some reason. I don't know if you've got some sort of magical curse on you. Yeah, I do, actually. And if you'd actually asked me a question in the past two weeks, you would have known. I had a lot of explaining to do, Jerry.

I was cursed by a warlock with a very specific curse. What was the curse? I pissed without having to drink. It is my curse and it is also... Well, it's mainly curse. Are they near us by now? Yeah, they're here now. What do we hear?

Like, is it just sheep and then only hearing what... No, Friso's barring at the sheep, yeah. Bah! Bah! Bah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Friso, Friso, back off. I think you can do with a mint, mate. Wow, what does my breath smell like? Like, piss. What?

Piss. Oh, thank heaps. I'm real thirsty and I take the water skin and I glug it. No! Refreshing. Guys, let me... It's so good to see all of you. And, new friend, I have heard great things about your dick.

Wonderful, wonderful. You might notice that I'm not wearing many clothes, except for this seal of Paylor I'm wearing. A couple of days into our journey, I don't know if it was the hallucinations or something, but I saw a sign and it said, follow Paylor and drink that sheep's piss, is what it told me.

Those are the two. That's the first two things for my new religion I'm starting, if you guys would like to join. You're starting the religion of Paylor. And drinking piss, Paylor. The reformed religion of Paylor. Yeah, this is... It's like Protestant Paylor. Yeah, this is... It's like Protestant Paylor.

Yeah. I nailed a lot of theses, mostly about piss to a cathedral back there. Okay. Oh, goodness me, it smells like piss in here. You all spin around and you see a figure of a small goblin in a high reflective desert suit of reflected mostly spandex and a little backpack, a camelback. He's got a little fantasy straw.

Look at this. Now, this is a real clever thing. It filters your wee and your sweat and your poop. Okay, no, he's dressed as one of the little, you know in Dune, he's wearing a still suit. It's a goblin in a still suit. Yeah, so I'm drinking wee and I don't even know it. But you're drinking wee and I can smell it from here.

Anyway, I'm your spirit guide. Oh. Are you Gribbets? I'm Popsin Bloody Dugnut. Popsin Dugnut. That's Popsin Dugnut. Wait, do you recognise us? Are you real?

Well, I'm sort of real. I'm sort of just a collection of your memories. Oh, Popsin, good to see you. I guess. So how we get out of this plane? Where are we, Bobson? You're in the Vale. Welcome to the Vale.

Hail from the Vale, you could say. I think we pierced the Vale in a previous season using a ship. Do you have a spaceship? Nah. Okay. I've got this suit that lets me drink my own poo. He takes a very noisy sip. You wouldn't know!

You wouldn't know! Can I taste it? Yeah. Oh, God! It's just shit! It tastes like shit! You wouldn't know. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, Jerry. Jerry, I need you to piss in my mouth. He wants you to follow him. Watch out the taste of his poop. Now, first thing... Are you begging the sheep to piss in your mouth?

To get the taste of the poop out. You've still got water. To piss in your mouth? To get the taste of the poo out. You've still got water. Does Bobson speak sheep? Yeah, of course he does. He speaks every language that's present. Oh, yeah, that's true.

Oh, I know you guys can't hear what he's saying, but it's crook-ass. All right, listen. First things first. You've got to follow me. One of the things you've got to know about the Vale guys is you've got to stay on the path. If you stray from the path, you're in for a bath.

And a bath of pain. Okay. Bob said we follow you. Remember the rhyme. Repeat the rhyme back to me, Felge. Follow the path or you're in to the bath of pain. That was pretty close. He takes out a little downing rod from inside his sleeve,

puts it together, it's in two pieces, with a click, and then very fussily taps the sand and a silver line shoots through the sand over the dunes and off into the west. Alright, that's the path. Rule number two. Walk without rhythm and you won't attract the worm. I'm kidding.

I'm giving you actual rules and you're making your own ones up. Well, none of these are from June or Fatboy Slim, so I don't know what to tell you, Dave. Okay, now listen. Follow the path. That's the golden rule. Alright? Yeah.

Now, that's just a general one. Are all the rules in metals? Yes. The path is silver, but following it is the golden rule. Okay, good to know. The tungsten rule... ..is never let a veiling know your true full name. Okay.

All right? Yep. The next rule... Wait, what's the rhyme for that one? Well, you'll be in a pain of bath. Yes. Tell them your name and you will be in a pain bath. Right.

Yeah. What's the next rule, Buckset? The next rule, which is the platinum rule, is never accept a gift that hasn't been paid for. All right? If you get a gift for you, pay for it or you'll be in a bath of pain. LAUGHTER or you'll be in a bath of pain.

And finally, finally, the rule named after the metal I like to call lead. The leaden rule is, and I'm looking at you here, freezo, freezopherson, never cheat a veiling out of what they are owed. Or, yeah, or you will get a whaling.

No, you'll die. And if you die in the veil, you die in real life. And if you die in the veil, you die in real life. And with that, he starts to strut away to the west following the path. Those were the three

rules. Do not let veilings know your full name. Never accept a gift that hasn't been paid for and never try and cheat a veiling out of what they are owed. And you can follow him if you want. Was Bobson always this Dave Hughes? No, you brancheted him up significantly want. Was Bobson always this Dave Hughes? No, you brancheted him out significantly.

You've Fusified him. Okay. But that's fine. This is just how they remember Bobson. Yeah, that's true. And actually it's slightly permuted by the existence of Logan and the sheep who don't know who he is. That's true. So they're bringing their own sort of spin to it. Cool. I think we trust this

we trust this guy. Let's follow. Should we do an inside check just to see if our visions were lying to us today? Yeah, not exhausted. Yeah, that's a 16. Lying? No, this seems to follow

what you know about the Shadow Veil, which is a sort of shadow existence that butts up against the reality that is the Forgotten Realms. Got it. So you start heading off towards the west crossing dunes. And you are no longer as exhausted. And you soon feel like you don't even need to drink any piss.

But you can if you want. I got a rhythm going, Dave. And the rest of you are not tired. And it feels like you can travel. And you would expect night to fall. But it doesn't. And it is impossible to know how long you walk, but then you cross the dunes

and at one point, suddenly Bobson sees something in the distance and he stops you all. I'm going to stop you all there for a second because I see something in the distance. Let me have a look. Does he have one of those cool little eyeglass things? He's got everything that you would get,

everything that Target would sell a kid's version of after Dune came out, he has. He has one of those. Spy glasses, yeah. And he goes, oh, what do I see through my spy glasses? Come with me. Wait, are you leaving the path? No, look, you've got to stay on the path.

Okay. We're coming with you. I see a wooden table. But I should probably warn you about something first. Oh, yeah. Listen up. This isn't a rule, okay? So there's no medals or rhyming, but this is just general information about the veil.

And I would be remiss as your spirit guide if I didn't tell you these things. spirit guide if I didn't tell you these things. Now, basically, the Vale is divided into tiny little worlds, and they all have their own rules, and it's usually the domain of one or two creatures, and they're extremely powerful in their own domain. So you don't want to mess with them, is what I'm saying. Amazing! You understand? Got it Alright

He's taking you to meet the masters Of this little pocket dimension That you're in Are these things We're going to meet Veilings? Yes very much so Alright so the rules do apply

The rules do apply Or we'll be in a pie Yeah Of bath You cross the Free though Take this seriously You cross the... Free zone. Yeah. Take the series.

You cross the deer and you do see a wooden table and it is laid out with what looks like all manners of treats and food. Some of it very familiar to you. Foods that you have not seen for a long time, but loved in your travels. KFC? Yeah. Did you get some of that in Tokyo?

Yeah, there's a bucket of KFC. There's all kinds of goodies and there are seats for ten. Is it just whatever we want, Dave? Like whatever our hearts desire the most? No, no. You can't trick me. No, no, no. In the realm of non-buffing food, yes.

For Fraser, it's just six glasses of sheep. All manner of treats. Icy cold and refreshing. No, very hot. Very, very hot. Steaming hot. And there are ten chairs and there are two figures who are sitting, eating at that table. Each of them only two feet high.

As you walk up towards the table, they look up from their meals. And to play the two veilings that run this world, please welcome to the stage, from Finding Drago, Finding Desperado, Total Reboot, and many more, it's Cam James and Alexi Tolio, boys! Yes! The beautiful boys of podcasting. Hello, hello, hello.

Hello Cameron and Alexi. Hello. Welcome. How are you guys? How are you? Really cool, thank you. Really cool. I told you that we would have you on in about halfway through the first episode.

Yeah, wow, we've been here four hours, but it's good. We're having fun. We're having the time of our lives. Screaming, screeching, and even laughing. Now, I sent you your characters before, and you're playing Veilings, which are sort of creatures of the fairy realms of delight. Yes, yes, thank you. Do you want to introduce yourselves?

I just want to also say that I sarcastically said to you, why don't Alexi and I play sexy little wood nymphs or something? And you took that to be canon. Yes. So thank you for giving us that. It's your own bed. Anything said to or texted to Dave is canon, unfortunately. Okay.

Do you want to go first? Yes, my name is Master Sugarloaf. I'm the mage fantastic of the Order of Prismir. And I have little goat legs and I wear a tiny ermine robe. And an ermine, if you do not know, is a weasel-like creature. And so I guess I just chopped off its torso and wear it like a little robe. It's flappy on me. Yeah, it flaps around.

It's breezy. It's comfortable in the desert. And you're, as I said, two feet high, and you're a very powerful spellcaster. Oh, I'm one of the most cool guys in this whole realm. One of two cool guys in this realm. One of the most cool guys, but there is one guy who is as cool,

and who's that, Cam? Equally as cool is Sir Daffodil. I really thought I'd get an awesomer name. I really got to be honest. Sir Daffodil, Knight of the Daisy. Master of the Blade of the Court of the Summer Queen. I have a delicate little rapier. Rapier?

Rapier. Rapier. Can you say that? Can we call it a saber or something while we're here? You have a delicate little rapier. Rapier? Rapier. Rapier. Can you say that? Can we call it a saber or something while we're here? You have a delicate little saber. A delicate little saber and bumblebee wings. And it doesn't say this on either of our descriptions, but we both have chode-shaped penises.

Which, if you do not know, is where a penis or a phallus is. Wider than it is long. Which is cool in our realm. In our realm, it is the coolest one. It's interesting that you say that. It's the most desirable shape of penis. Women, men of all sizes and creeds go gaga for our chodes.

But honestly, that brings up a really good point. And I thank you for raising it. And unlike our church, which did not have a point, they're actually quite round. I just want to make it clear that this is one of the fairy domains and it's of the Shadow Vale,

but you can name it if you want. It can have a name. And you came from Prismir, but you founded your own world. Yes yes and the literal laws of the universe inside this world you get to make so if you say the chodes are cool it's true they're cool then they are cool yeah thank goodness speculative fiction is incredible you you can't cast spells, Cam, but you can fly. You have the gift of flight. Wow.

I can fly with my little bumblebee wings. And you're a sword master. Oh, my goodness gracious. And a pants man. He's a swordsman. This is incredible world building. Yes. Real Philip K. Choate stuff.

He's one of our most exciting warfars. In our realm, Philip Kate Shode is really popular Yeah, he's a really cool guy Yeah Now you see the figures of these four adventurers walking towards you Oh yeah Hello Good schmafternoon

That's what we're talking about We hope that you are both snoochy and boochy Yeah In our world, the most popular films are the films of Kevin Smith. Yes, and our universe is known as the Ascuniverse. It's all true. I can't stop you. That's all true. We worship him like a god. No one else could wear jorts like him.

And they're the perfect vessel to hide a churn. That's true. When Kevin Smith had his heart attack, we had a six-year day of mourning. Just for the heart attack. Yes. That is also canon in our realm. Kevin Smith did have a heart attack.

And you're explaining all of this to them. Of course, yes. And to each other. Dave, do you remember you and I had lunch a little while ago and we were talking about the best way to do dragon friend guests and one of the things that we both, I remember agreeing on, was, well, don't give them too much power. Yeah.

Like, over the entire universe, for example. Please, a skewniverse. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Filch. Friso goes up to the two sexy wood nymphs. Yes, we are sexy.

Thank you for noticing. But only in this realm. In any other realm, we're hideous. Because do we find them sexy because we're in their world? You are affected. You have a sort of native resistance. We have a strong pheromone in this universe. And we're both do you.

So if they say Filch's bum falls off. No, no, that's what I said. Filch has a sort of native resistance because she's a planeswalker here. But that will get weaker the longer you stay here. If you live in the schooniverse for long enough, then you will be as playthings to them. Yes. I see.

Okay, so Frieza's going to walk up to them and say, hello, greetings. Greetings. May I greet you in what I assume is your universe's... Schmooniverse. Schmooniverse's. Yeah, man, do whatever you want. I wasn't supposed to be here today, man.

Yeah. Frieza says, Shmurda Vas Shmurda Vas says Yeah man Do whatever you want I wasn't supposed to be here today man Yeah Friso says Ten years in And we bone like we're cheating On each other With each other A decade plus Of her Clinton

Brown Tane area Still pwned by Dick Wow You know Our national anthem Yeah For anyone

But just For anyone who doesn't know that That's a famous tweet That Kevin Smith tweeted about his wife. And it was beautiful then and it's beautiful now. Love is real. It gets more beautiful every year. And we acknowledge that as a really respectful and beautiful greeting to us. It's something we appreciate.

Thank you, brother. Let me give you this offering. A bag of chocolate covered pretzels. We've got heaps of shit that's way better than that, man. Look at this table, bro. Put it on the table if you want. We'll get around to it. We might not eat it. You can take it

with you when you leave. We'll be polite about it. Very deep Morat's cut and let's get off the Kevin Smith riff train, shall we? Welcome to the realm, everybody. Please take a seat at the table. Feel free to eat. Oh, I've got one.

It's a schooner verse. Mallrats. Yeah. 1998. How does it feel, Ben? Not good, right? Yeah. You were really right when you said the riffs on Kevin Smith were over.

But that's what leadership is, Alex. There's a very unfair thing, which is when Cam and Alexi make a reference to the seminal director of the early 90s, it's cool. But when any of the rest of you do it, it fucking sucks. I don't know if I agree that it's cool, but I appreciate it. Filch. Me Filch. Hi, Filch.

We've actually heard about you guys. We've read in the heard about you guys. Yes. We've read in the trades about you guys. Yeah, but we get the trade papers over here, like Variety, The Hollywood Reporter. Man, we always think we work and work and we think my stuff never get picked up. Bobby just sidles up to Filch. Excuse me just a second.

Do you have a surname? Filch? Just quickly. Not me. let me know. Rut roll. I settled that. Is this meant to be private from us? My name is Mr. X.

Hello, Mr. Sex. Is that what you said? That is Mr. Sex Yeah This That's Mr. Sex This our friend Logan the pig

Logan the pig And Logan the pig. Logan the pig. Look at that, man. And might I just say, Logan, very unfashionable penis on you, my friend. I'm sorry. After seeing you two gentlemen hung like absolute acorns, I can't help but be a little ashamed of my massive turtle dick. And Bobby, what's your name?

My name is... Blobby Framplates. Wow, that's one of the most beautiful names I've ever heard in my life. Thank you. Well, we're all met. Hello, yes. Now, listen, guys, can we have a little sidebar for a second? Sure.

Yeah, of course. We'll come over and join the sidebar. Well, with the greatest of respect, Sir Daffodil and Sir Sugarloaf, I feel I need to brief them to be better acquainted with your majesties. Okay, that's

fair enough. While you guys do that, we're going to stay over here and suck each other off. Which is cool and awesome in our universe. It's one of the most exciting ways for us to pass the time. And no, if you're wondering, it will not be in the 69 fashion from your universe. We take turns. We do it one at a time.

One at a time. It's just a six and six. Yes, dinner it one at a time. One at a time. One at a time. Thank you. It's just a six and six. Yes, dinner for one at two separate tables at different times. Yeah, we're dining al fresco. Get used to it. And so while they attend each other, Bobson... While they attend each other,

Bobson ushers the dragon friends and Logan to the side. Bobson, what are they doing? They're just sucking each other off. Don't worry about it. Do we have to do that? No, it's fine. Don't worry about it. All right.

Listen. Do you want to get out of the veil? You have to speak up. Their moaning is quite loud. Holy hell. Oh, my Lord. That was quite a huge flood, brother. Oh, my Lord. Just try and focus, okay?

Just look at me, okay? Don't look at them, look at me. Don't look at? Just look at me, okay? Don't look at them, look at me. Don't look at them, look at me. Okay, now listen. Do you want to get out of the veil? Please. Okay. I don't know.

This is how the veil works. Wrath of property, okay? Wade, no. No. I'm listening to this guy. It's not like that. It's fine. They're taking care of each other. So don't worry about that.

You need to do for them a quest or a favour or an errand or, you know, just a little chore. I don't know. It's up to them. They might say, go get us a loaf of bread. That'll be easy. You just go to the shops. I don't know. But look, I don't make the quests.

You know what I mean? That's up to them. But if you want to get out of the Vale, your best way is to do them a solid. All right? That's right. The laws of the shadow veil mean that they, even if they wanted to, they can't let you leave without betraying the tungsten rule of the veil

unless they also are given something by you. So you need to not only earn their trust, but you need to earn a favour. And what about is, what if we're super hungry and that KFC is just calling to us? Then you would have to pay for it. Friso's just glaring at those glasses of piss. So we don't have anything on us, do we?

No, no, no. We've got our items, right? No, you said our bags had disappeared. When I said your bags, I meant your rations, your tents, your bedrolls. You have your normal equipment. Okay, all right. Oh, why are they playing with it now? No.

Oh. And you're finished. Oh, that felt wonderful for a few seconds right at the end there. Excellent stuff Sorry for That brief Juncture No we liked it We actually

We should take another one Do you guys Do you guys do anything right now Loaf of bread Some wet wipes Gatorade Well I mean we can We can you know Just chill out for a little bit Do you guys need anything right now? Loaf of bread, some wet wipes. Gatorade. Well, I mean, we can, you know, just chill out for a little bit.

We've got a bunch of stuff here, a bunch of sheep's piss, a bunch of KFC. Yeah. Hydrolytes, if you need it from the long journey. A cylinder of hydrolytes. We have a lot of amazing stuff in this realm. Our realm is basically the realm of delights and carnal pleasures. Yes. Everything in this realm feels amazing. Every food is the best

tasting food you've ever had. Every every suck and fuck is simply the best suck and fuck. Especially right at the very end where it feels the most nice. It does get better as it builds up and then it feels sensational.

Really, it's so awesome right at the very end. That's all I can say. We actually love it here and we don't think we need anything, do we? Well, there is just one thing. What's that? While we live a life of carnal desires and pleasures and while we do know the excitement of flesh, we actually do not know what it is to love.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. We do not know what it is to love. Yeah, I did forget that. The only thing our realm doesn't have is love. And we have seen you and heard tale of your merry adventures. Dragon friends. And we know that you guys have a strong feeling towards each other. Except for this new guy, we don't know

much about him. We've not heard about you yet, but it is exciting to meet you for a few seconds. You're like, I bet everyone pretty good over the last few days. I'll turn around now. We just, we wish you could teach us how to love

so that we can travel to other realms that don't have love and teach them how to love. Yeah. Because, you know, it does look like we lead this exciting life, but to be truly honest, I've not enjoyed one second of my life. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I asked you guys to come up with a quest for the dragon friends.

Yeah. I said it would need to take about half an episode and that it could be anything. And I gave you some examples. Did you say like a magic sphere? Yeah, yeah. Talk a little sphere talk to us. I would submit some internecine warfare amongst the Shadow Veils,

the different factions, you know, the Hag Covens. We skip through a lot of that stuff. But you guys want to be taught how to love. Yeah. We just don't have it here. As I said, we've got KFC, which is pretty close to love. When we eat it, we're like, we really like this, but it's not quite all the way there.

Yeah, and Master Sugarloaf over here, in particular, he's never enjoyed... What was it? Not even one second of my own life. And of course, my dear friend Sir Daffodil, he always feels nervous. Because I'm worried that once everyone gets to know me, they'll think that I have a dog shit personality. And it really builds up in his chest area, almost like it's anxiety. And almost like his is depression.

So if you guys could cure anxiety and depression... And teach us how to love as perhaps the way they break through those things. And if you could do that in about 15 minutes, that would be great. We don't have long in this realm. We live very short lives. Yeah. Can I ask, well, Dave, I have a herbalism kit. Do you reckon that'll do anything?

In this realm, yeah. Herbs go a long way, brother. All right. I light up a... I roll up a fatty. Okay. Yeah, okay. I think that you offer it to them. Okay. Yeah, okay. And you offer it to them?

Yeah. That genuinely helps anxiety. So I think Tom actually... Or it makes it much, much worse. Yeah, it kind of depends on what you're offering them. Do I need to roll a dice? No, I was going to say, this might be a literal roll of the dice. You make a medicine check,

and can you take one of those big 20-sided dice, and I'll show you which one. Oh, I gave it to him. Foolishly. Yeah, we can't count that fast. You can roll it yourself, Cam. This red one here? Yeah.

Okay. Alright. Snake eyes. That's a 10. That's a 10. Alexi. Sorry. I was sitting next to these guys

during soundcheck and I'm not going to say the main reason it took so long, but one of the reasons is that they wouldn't stop rolling the dice and saying snake eyes and then laughing to themselves. Every time you say snake eyes, do you picture the cover of the movie Snake Eyes? Yeah, Nicholas Cage looking like this.

Yeah, me too. I love that movie. So what does that mean? Okay, I guess that means that it's good. What tincture were you making? This is... Pardon? This was just weed?

Yeah, but it's fantasy weed. I mean, put a little spin in it, brother. Don't freak the guy out. Yeah, yeah, it's a massive turtle blunt. Actually, no, it's a very wide sort of joint. Whoa! Okay. We see this and our eyes light up.

I've got an idea here. Okay. You guys think you love that KFC. You like that KFC. We really, really like it. It's almost to the point. I've got something. Smoke this and then eat the KFC. No.

Okay. Am I allowed to? Let me just check the player's handbook for a second. Yeah, no, that's fine. That's allowed. Okay, I take a huge hit off this

snoochy-boochy joint. I exhale. Hand me that wicked wing. I hand him the wicked wing. I take a bite of the wicked wing. My eyes roll into the back of my head. It's the most sensational feeling I've ever had in my whole freaking

life. Oh my god, I think I just felt what love felt like. Oh my lord. Master Sugarloaf. Oh my gosh. I feel like I just, I got over my anxiety and this, I feel like this taught me self-love. Sir Daffodil, this is a grand day in the history of our realm, known as

the Eskinoverse. Where we live and where I am the mage fantastic of the Autoprismia. That's true. Wow, thank you so much.

I'm sorry for making fun of your penis. Guess what? Because it's our realm and we can change the rules now big fat hogs are cool. Wow.

As a children that makes me feel even sadder. That's true. That's true. Master Sugarloaf. As relaxed as the figure of Sir Daffodil of the Order of the Daisy is, it's only making Master Sugarloaf sadder. I feel like I've maybe lost some perspective here.

This is stupider than unusual. No, this is an internal journey. A lot of people probably relate to these stories. If you were in year 12 in 2005 and you wrote this up, you'd get a sick mafia. This is an inner journey. Oh, fucking hell. Phil sits down next to Master Sugarloaf.

Hey. Sugarloaf. Hello. You really want to know what love feel like? I guess so. It's hard to feel excited about anything in my condition. You just feel nothing? Which is a total sadness, I guess so. It's hard to feel excited about anything in my condition. You just feel nothing? Which is a total sadness, I guess.

With light breaks for sucking off. Yeah, yeah. It's a good way to pass the time. What if me told you that me have known love, but love sometimes comes at a price? Wow. How much? love but love love sometimes comes at a price Wow how much I'm talking like upwards of 75 80 bucks if you can even imagine that much money I actually have quite a wicked imagination I can imagine squillions of dollars even more than that.

A great imagination truly is a blessing and a curse. Yes, I can actually be a real bummer to hang out with. And it seems that I try to brag to cover up my own sadness. My character's flying around because I just remembered I have wings. I haven't used them yet. Just waving your little sword around. Yeah, I'm feeling so happy. I fell in love once.

Really? Yeah. But me think me didn't truly know how me loved him until he wasn't there anymore. It was my brother Dilj. loved him until he wasn't there anymore. It was my brother Dilj. Is this meant to make me feel happier? It's actually really harshing my vibe right now.

He got killed by a dragon and then my friend raided his corpse straight away. And then he came back to life and then he died again. And Bobby, you've known Love, right? Yes. Okay, well don't skip him. Freeze. Yeah, what? Are you ready to know Love?

Master Sugar Love? Oh, yeah, I guess so. I'd really be interested in that. So, Daffodil, you buzz down here for a sec. I land delicately on Filch's shoulder. Are you tiny? Two feet. Like an annoying sort of pigeon. Not annoying, but you know.

Really cool. Cool and radical. What's up? I haven't really asked Alex what's going on But I think I get what she's saying And I just turn and I say Do it, Freezer I'm gonna kill Cam, I guess Am I? Day? Are you? Am I? I'm going to kill Cam, I guess.

Am I? Dave? Are you? Son of a bitches. Am I? Yeah, I don't know. Are you? Is this what you want us to do?

Is this what I want you to do? How else is he going to know love? That's how Alexi will find love. Love and loss are intertwined. He's never going to realise how much he loves Sir Daffodil until Sir Daffodil is gone. I need to check with them. Can I get Sugarloaf? Can I just get some clarification on the quest?

Of course. Now, the Greeks had many different words for love. Yeah? Which kind of love are you talking about? His character's not Greek. I don't know, dude. But do you mean like an erotic love, a fraternal love, a friendly love? Any kind of love, whether it be platonic, brotherly love,

as found in the city of Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love. Self-love as well. Self-love, that, you know, that kind of stuff. In this universe, everybody knows about Philadelphia. We know Philadelphia. We know the cream cheese. Hey, wait. So our options

are, I can either, one option is, we kill Cam. I think it's a good idea. The second option is, I guess I teach Alexi how to jerk off. Well, we do that. So you have felt love. He means self love, like loving yourself, not jerking

off. Oh, we know every, we've done stuff you couldn't even think of. Oh, yeah? What's your best trick? Yeah, like what? Well, like reverse cowboy. Wow. Yes, that's where the horse rides the man.

Yep. And it is really exciting. It's really good. Especially right at the very end. Yeah. It feels really cool for a few seconds. The final moments really are a showstopper. Is this a moment where we're actually going to see Friso explain what love is to someone?

I think Friso could do it. He's read a lot. While you guys are figuring that out, I'm over here saying stuff like, man, what if the blue I see is different to the blue you see? Because I've never been stoned before. Alexi, I mean... My name is Sugarloaf. You can call me Sugar, honey, everybody does.

That's me. I was trapped in a prison for, I think, a very long time. And I had to do a lot of therapy there because Montaigne made me do it. And one of the things my therapist told me in this fictional universe is that if you're struggling to find reasons to love yourself, and boy

howdy has my character experienced that, it's always good to start with what you're good at. Howdy has my character experienced that. It's always good to start with what you're good at. Like, what do you think you're good at? What makes you special? What makes you different to everyone else? Well, I'm actually a really powerful mage.

Dude. Yes. Can you show us a spell? Yeah, I've actually got this book of spells. Oh, yeah. Thank you for reminding me about things that I carry. It's actually really hard to open. I'll hold it for you.

And in this realm, everything's in display cases on the inside. You gonna cast a spell, Master Sugarloaf? Okay, I've got one of my favourite spells to cast is Beast Bond. Beast Bond? Yeah. Well, I actually have a beast.

Wow. Wait, what the fuck are you saying? What? What are you saying? What are you saying? You just looked at me and then you said something. I didn't, I didn't. Jerry, Jerry, I didn't.

Jerry, Jerry. Jerry, everything's cool. I have a sheep. No, I fucking caught that. You said sheep. I didn't, Jerry, Jerry, I didn't Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, everything's cool. I have a sheep. No, I fucking caught that. You said sheep. I didn't say sheep, Jerry. You said sheep. I didn't say sheep, Jerry. And I would happily let you bond with my beast. Wow.

If, if, if, if it's just like, I mean, if it's just like a, it's just like you become friends, right? Is that what it does? Is it? I don't know. It's actually really small writing on my spell. It says touch and it lasts up to ten minutes.

Wow. And it's really good at the end. Yeah, I suppose you can cast the first level spell Beast Bond. Yeah. If you want to on the sheep and bond with it well that sounds really interesting

I'm going to try that alright I cast the spell Beast Bond is that how I do it? yeah it'd be alright it has intelligence

of four or more it's within five feet so you you you make some symbols in the hand the vines around the table

grow in spasm and then flowers burst vines around the table grow and spasm, and then flowers burst out all over the table. Oh, my gosh. As a beam of pure light from your forehead, which opens into a third eye, blasts out and hits the sheep square in its forehead. Fuck! What? And its pupils go wide and dilate,

and it looks at you. And you bond. It walks up to you and it just rubs its little head up against your cheek. Because I'm short, about the same height as a sheep. Yeah, it just rubs its little head. Wow, that feels so nice and warm. I think we can all agree that was some pretty impressive magic. Right, guys?

Oh, so good. And what's that you're experiencing there? Love? Well, I do feel some sort of bond with this sheep. I'm thinking

if this sheep were to feel any harm, anything that would make it feel upset, if it were to get sick, it would make me sad. And I would want those things to happen to me instead of that thing.

And what I'm feeling, there are absolutely no conditions for it. So... Yeah, I would say it is an unconditional thing that I'm feeling. Yeah, I'm having trouble defining it. That's okay. I can clarify things for you if you like.

Dave, I'll use my final spell slot to kill the sheep. I think. I'll just, I'll witch bolt the sheep, I guess. Yeah, alright. What's the armour class of the sheep, Dave? What's the armour class? It's like 50, weirdly.

No, it's not. Okay, yeah, 11 plus 7 is 19. You explode the sheep. Holy shit. Wow. This is actually, in a life filled with feeling crap, this is the worst I've ever felt. I'm absolutely devastated by this occurrence

and I'm crying a fuckload right now that's true tears are pouring down Master Sugarloaf's fat little cheeks as they crystallise on the sand and pour like rivers of silver water in a land where there is no water and form into an azure lake that glows blue and then suddenly through it

you can see on the other side the world of Faerun. Wow. I actually didn't know what love was until it was taken away from me. It's like that song, sometimes you don't know what you got till it's gone. In this case, they didn't pave paradise. They did put up an Azura Lake, which is quite paradisal. Yeah, put up an Azura Lake. Yeah. Which is quite paradise-y. Yeah. It's even nicer than what we had. Yeah.

Because paradise in our original realm was just a couple of fucking trees that no one gave a shit about. And a table with KFC on it. And six glasses of piss. And now we have this beautiful Azura Lake and probably a tree museum of some kind. To honor the tree. You get an armory. The veilings look at you.

It seems that you can leave. But because you have taught them, those carnal beings, the meaning of true relaxation and love, it has to be said, strange though be the manner of your teaching, they can grant you a final gift if they want. And we do want. Yeah.

I think, do we? Yeah, do we? What do we want? Yeah, I mean, it was something. Yeah. Why don't we give them something? Of course, something to remember us by. Do you want us to suck you guys off?

You'll never forget it. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I mean, you know, what happens in the Veil Plane stays in the Veil Plane. Yeah, if you guys want to. We give them the sloppiest BJ's anyone's ever seen. And as the camera slowly rises in a fantasy epic that should really never be made, picture if you can one night in heaven that the dragon friends have halfway towards their own time

A moment of brief respite Nay, even pleasure, perhaps even ecstasy Before they encounter their final adventure That will take them home and take them beyond Back to the timeline that they belong in Back to the third age Back to their homes in Dagavid And as they go through the Azure Lake,

they will say goodbye, blobby flapjacks. Goodbye, Logan the Big. Goodbye, Mr. X. And goodbye. And at this moment, Mr. Daffodil looks you dead in the eyes and says, Filge. And you are all gone. But gone to who knows where

we will find out on the next Adventure of the Dragon Friends Thank you! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty with special guests Cameron James and Alexei Toliopoulos

Dave Harmon is our Dungeon Master with with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins, and special live guest accompaniment by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive content every other week.

Until next time! Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry, don't worry Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back.

An extra few seconds. You can always go back. Tell us, is there anything, you guys got something coming up that you want to tell us about? Yes, we have a very exciting series coming out in less than two weeks. It is called Finding Yeezus. Yes, it is. And we can tell you a little bit about it. I don't think we've even told anyone about it yet.

We've not said too much out loud. We must have told the producers and stuff. We told those guys. Screen Australia, right? They know heaps about it, actually. Had to give them a really detailed exposition of what it would be. So for anyone who's not familiar, Finding Drago and Finding Desperado

are two podcasts that we did that were investigative mysteries into bizarre, non-consequential, shitty little crimes that we found out on the internet. Into the realms of pop culture. Yes. And our third season coming out on September 26, which is not next Monday but the one after. In 468 hours.

Is that what you're trying to count down? Looking at your watch? I try to remember what day it was. It's Wednesday? It's a Monday. Today's Wednesday. Yep, got it. Sorry, I'm still reeling from those blowjobs.

I'm just kidding. Yeah, we've got a new series coming out called Finding Yeezus and here's the premise of it. Yeah, he's going to also be on the grouse house youtube page the auntie donna it's a shingle at the auntie donna shack we say yeah um and it is an exploration into a weird video game called kanye quest it came out in 2013 and uh it's just like pokemon except you play as kanye you battle rap other rappers pretty funny stuff yeah and then two years after it came out,

someone found this hidden level. In that hidden level, there's all this language in there and terminology that led people to believe that it was a recruitment tool for a new age cult that believes in the singularity and immortality through the internet called Ascensionism. So we are investigating this. We're trying to find the creator of the game, Kanye Quest, to figure out

whether their video game about Kanye West is a recruitment tool for a new age cult. And we do it over six episodes. And we hope you watch it and like it.