Dragon Friends - #8.15. It's an Auto-Antonym

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

Returning from their distracting carnal trip to another plane, The Dragon Friends find themselves with a choice to make: Complete their quest, or find those they left behind. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I have a question because I was backstage, Nick I heard you come on and then I could hear what it can only be described as a clunk and then and then there was a pause and then you did that intro so what happened there? Nick started lying which is very upsetting. Yeah they don't usually start lying until like a couple of seasons. And kill your friends, you can always go back. And in a few seconds, you can always go back. It began with one night in heaven. 800 years before they were born, the dragon friends have returned to the mortal realm of Faerun, having travelled the Vale, consorted with pixies,

and having been sucked off by two popular Australian podcasters in what was once nominally a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. But at last, your revels have ended. Sir Daffodil and Master Sugarloof... I have a copy of your notes here, and it says Master Sugarload. That is what threw me, and I covered it by saying Sugarloaf.

I'm paging Dr. Freud. Sir Daffodil and Master Sugarloaf have sent you back, and time moves differently in the veil. Hours can pass in moments, and what seems like minutes can be days or even years. You left as the forces of the silver chorus did ride to sack the sonic church, and you returned to see a church well and truly ransacked. Their wagons are burnt and broken, ashes hang in the wind, and the statue of the siren lies broken in pieces by the oasis.

Just two perfectly formed feet cut off at the ankles in the name of divine retribution. Whatever stride your enemy had planned here is ended, scattered under the hooves of a force that could not suffer his church to stand. This is a place of desolation, of no honor, of silence, and a place where in the distance you can see a frocked figure picking his way through the ruins, a sack slung over his shoulder. Well, it looks like there's not much left for us here. Let's get going. Where's Baston?

Unless Baston is wearing a frock in the middle distance, holding a sack, there is no one else to be seen nearby. He could be. Where pilgrims rest, the hospice that you left his recovering body in is also burnt to the ground. I guess we should, can I do an investigation check on the man or the figure in the distance please, Dave? How are you going to walk up and investigate him? I'm just curious. I will.

You haven't said anything yet. How are you going to investigate him? You be good I'm just curious. I will... You haven't said anything yet. How are you going to investigate him? You be good cop, I'll be bad cop. Sounds great. All right, do that and then I'll tell you what the role is. We approach the person. What manner of beast are they, Dave? They are a human manner of beast.

It's a young guy? Yeah. 19-year young guy? Yeah. 19-year-old? Yeah. And we don't recognise them? No, no, you don't. He is wearing the frock of a sort of friar of the Silver Church, but he's not wearing the spurnished armour of a paladin.

He's not necessarily a combatant. And good cop, bad cop? You're good cop? I'm going to be bad cop for once. You're bad cop, I'm good cop? Okay. Pings, good cop? What good cop? I want to be bad cop for once. Your bad cop, I'm good cop? Yeah. Pings, good cop? What's that mean?

What's that? What's the tone there? What's that? What's the attitude? No, go for it, go for it. Hello, fellow human, I love you. Hey, nice frock you got there. Did you get it from the fuckhead store?

Whoa, whoa! I'm feeling really disoriented right now. You would, because you're a smart boy. Oh, thanks so much for saying that. And your breath smells like shit from a cow. Oh! Man, you build me up and then you knock me back down. Fraser, like, whispers to Fields,

I think we're negging him. Maybe he'll fuck us. With advantage, Friso, make for me an intimidation check. You know what? Intimidation or persuasion. Your choice, because that was very confusing. So I'll take the 14, plus intimidation. I'll actually do persuasion, because it's much higher, Dave.

20 is what I got Alright, 20 He looks at you and visibly relaxes As he decides that you are both somebody that he wants to be friends with But now someone he's worried he's not cool enough to be friends with And he puts the sack on the ground Bring it in, brother It's all good I'm Phil and this is Friso.

And we are completely objective passers-by. Yes. Just wanting to see the lay of the land. You're passing by the desert? We're trying to get to Major Kharkov. Borov. Borov. Major Borov?

Major Borov. Well, that's my boss Well kind of my boss's boss's boss's boss's Boss's manager's boss's boss's boss's Boss's wife's Wow that is an intense Tennis partner's Oh

Boss Oh What's your name? My name's Friar Lucky Uh huh Friar Lucky Friar Lucky What are you doing in these parts? Oh I'm consecrating the ground with salt What's your name? My name's Friar Lucky. Uh-huh. Friar Lucky? Friar Lucky.

What are you doing in these pots? Oh, I'm consecrating the ground with salt. So nothing will grow again? Well, that's part of it. I mean, was anything going to grow anyway? It's the desert. Well, okay. I do get... You can take the afternoon off.

No one's going to know. Yeah, man. Well, no. What are you always going to grow here? Sturt's desert pea? Wait. Kangaroo paw? Anything else?

Australian cactus? We only had one inch. I don't know. What about pig face? Yeah, we were going for a native kind of thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was worried if I said, what's pig face?

You'd be like, I don't know, what's pig face with you or something? It had an up dog energy about it. Yeah, well, look, when the church comes and purifies the site as such, henceforth has happened here, then it is my esteemed duty to come and put salt on the ground. And in a very performative way, he reaches into his sack, looks at a handful of cheap salt, and then sort of

just throws it in front of him. Hey, you guys need any salt? I'll take some salt. Can I have a bag of salt? We can have a bag of salt. You can have like a handful of salt. Wait, no, you're taking his sack of salt? No, just a bag, I guess. I specifically said you couldn't have a bag of salt. He has a sack of salt. I'll take the sack.

Hey, man, what's pig face with you? Friar, what of the men and children who were part of this church? Where are they now? They're in Deadsville. Is that a fact? Some of them are in Deadsville. The children and the ones that laid down their arms when Father Gearhart came. Yeah, they're in Deadsville too. No.

By which I mean... They were rounded up by the church. They're going to be re-educated. And taken to a place I call Deadsville. Deadsville is a Silver Chorus re-education centre just outside. It's actually really nice. It's really nice. Yeah, the name was inherited.

What about the people who are in the hospice, the patients? Oh, that's well above my pay grade. What pay grade are you at? Well, we have a little joke among the salt spreaders, which is we're earning our salt. No, I am paid in salt. But you're paid in the thing you have to throw away? You're paid in salt and But you're paid in... You have to throw away? You're paid in salt

and then you go out in the desert. Yeah, it's teaching us a lesson about worldly possessions. And so, like, when you come back, you can have some salt left, but they don't tell you how much you're allowed to keep. This is not...

And you know what? This is so off-book. If you bring back too much salt. And you've gone rogue. Or not enough salt, you've got a one-way trip to Deadsville. Where they make you clean the spa. These are our friends, Bobby and Logan the Huge. Oh, hey guys.

Are you always going to introduce him as Logan the Huge? That's his name, isn't it? That's his name. Okay, yep. The Huge doesn't refer to his dick size, Dave. Bobby has a surname too, but it's Bobby and Logan the Huge. Well, yeah, but Logan the Huge, you've got to know the descriptor. Whereas Bobby's just Bobby.

Yeah, you might think he's just Bobby. Give me a descriptor. I don't know. Bobby the... not dead anymore. That's nice. I'll take it. Could have been much worse. So yeah, Bobby, who is a small halfling, and Logan the Huge,

who is a gigantic... He's like big as a room, right? He's bigger than Filge a little bit, and wider than Filge a lot. And then standing next to me, it's like they filmed The Hobbit with basketball players. It's like the movie Twins with Arnold Schwarzenegger

and Danny DeVito. He's big. What the fuck do you want from me anyway he's here? What did you say? He's six foot tall, Dave? Hey guys, I'm Friar Lucky. These are my friends

Filge and Frizo. I didn't say that. We absolutely know them. Nice to meet you, mate. Oh, hi. So can you take us back to Borov? I mean, I guess I can. That'd be great.

Also, did we all know Borov was part of the Silver Chorus? Did we all know that? The Silver Chorus is an alliance of all of the sort of good aligned churches in this region that was once the Freeborn Lands, Laroons Landing, et cetera, et cetera. It's more that the Silver Ch lands, La Rune's landing, etc. It's more that the silver chorus is ultimately answerable to Barovia. Oh, I didn't even make...

Did you make that connection? Borov and Barovia? Which one came first? It's a brand new name. It's kind of like when the day changes and you want to just write it down. What? You know when it's like a new year and you're like, oh. Describing having a diary?

You're like, I can't wait to write, you know, Common Year 19. You know? Yeah. It's like that. So I've just been trying to shoehorn Borovia into anything I can say. So what do you mean Borovia's new? Well, the name is new. What was it called before that?

It was called the Associated Common of the Freeborn. And now it's Barovia named after... The hero of Briggs Hill? Yeah. Agent Kharkov. What? Major Borov. Borov. So tell us, what happened to Strahd in this battle?

He was the leader of the Freeborn. Oh, the leader? Man, he wishes he was in Deadsville. You know? Because it's great there. Ravenloft, you're thinking of. So Lord Ravenloft was actually the head after Strahd had been banished before killing his brother.

Of course, that's exactly what I was thinking of, Dave. But it seems that something has happened to Ravenloft and in his absence there has been a shift in power and this new hero of Briggs Hill, Borov, has cemented enough power to have indeed the land named after him but not just anyone gets to see the hero of Briggs Hill. So why are you trying to... I can bring you there but if you're just some guys

I'm going to get into so much trouble. They're going to take all my salt. You would get in so much trouble. How would you justify that? In my defence, I am not very smart. We are four entrepreneurs who can help Borov

make a billion dollars through the hustle grind mindset. That sounds made up. Quick dragon huddle. Okay. Who can help Borov make a billion dollars. What? Through the hustle grind mindset. That sounds made up. Quick, quick dragon huddle. Sure. We have exactly what he wants. Do we?

Why are you lying to him? We have what he wants. Force of habit. No, no, I think we should do this hustle culture. Do you want to take out the crystal with the body of Petrina in it? Yeah, do we trust this guy? Let's do an insight check to see if I trust him, Dave. Make an insight check for me.

Insight at 17 plus insight. That's 22, Dave. He seems a poor, gormless idiot. We have his wife in a cube. Nope. Wait a minute. No, you don't. You have Major Borov's wife.

You have Jenny. She's meant to be playing tennis today. No, someone else take over. And Friso just walks away and just paces in front of a wall muttering angrily to himself. I'm going to start talking to my goat. Or sheep or whatever it was.

That which started this war. The body of the missing Carcassian princess we have. What? And it seems also that if Bastogne is still alive, he's with Borov or at the

wherever the keeping, maybe at Deadsville or wherever it is. We need to find our friends. I don't know anything about that. I just know that they carted a lot of stuff away when they raised it to the You know raised is an auto-antonym? Oh, buddy,

we don't care. He does tell you that Not very much, but Commander Gearheart of the Silver Chorus did take some key prisoners back to Castle Ravenloft, but he's quick to say that that did not include Mistress Cassidor or Strahd, who escaped. They escaped. Well, who cares? We need to find our friend.

Wait, no, we need to end the war Hey guys I'm like basically done salting now So If anything he seems a little bit upset About the worthiness of his task Since you've sort of laid it out for him Yeah I mean like part of me is like what's even the point But uh

We have the body that will end the war Okay well that's what I'm saying I can take you to Borov. Great. He'll pay you in more than salt. I'm looking at pepper money here, bro. Whoa, really? What about cardamom?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Allspice? Let's start with five and see how we go. He takes a symbol of the priesthood of Torm that is around his neck. He mutters some secret words and casts the spell Word of Recall as a magic circle whips around in the sand around him, scattering the ash anew into the air. White light burneth down from the heavens and creates a magic circle.

And for a real idiot, it's a quite, like, competent moment as he beckons all of you to come forward. Jumping in the circle? Yeah. Jumping in? Where are you taking us? To Borov? I'm taking you to Borov! Okay, let's go.

The circle whips around, light shines forth as you all step into it and find yourselves flung across space, if not time, to make your way back to Castle Ravenloft, seat of power, here amongst the commons of the freeborn, now known as Barovia. And you can see that work has continued in earnest. What was once just foundations is now almost two stories of a giant castle gleaming on the Balinox, still surrounded by a camp of war and industry. And a table sits in front of it. And in front of that table is a circle, a coterie of dignitaries and generals. And massive, like a bear amongst them, is the figure,

now resplendent with more medals than you've seen him before, of Major once now Commander Ustinov Borov. Commander! And he looks as the circle, the light of the circle causes all of them to look forward and as he sees you, he breaks into a huge smile and laughs.

Like that? Like that? I was just thinking about a funny thing I saw in the paper. Who are you? a funny thing I saw in the paper. Who are you? No, before you tell me, there's a woman named Kathy and her life can't catch a break. She loves to shop.

Stop! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What? You're that group I sent off on that suicide mission here. And we survived. Yeah, we're bad at suicide. Also, we replaced our monk with this tortle.

Oh, hello. You're quite big, aren't you? Yes, I'm not as bloody big as you. Thank you very much. I'd say you're as big as two. And may I say, what an extraordinary penis. Now, sir, you have gone too far. Now, I want to say...

Have you put on pants, by the way, since... Yes, I... You took your pants off to make a surrender. Yeah. Can I please put them back on, I think? You have? Yeah, no, can I please... Just trying to paint theatre of the mind and so forth.

You are wearing a pair of underpants. I would appreciate if I was wearing pants, Dave. Thanks. Now, I want to say, Filch and Poppy. I want you to say your name was? Logan. Logan!

And Steve. Fraser. Steve-o. Steve-o. Well, I see that you are alive. We'll pull a few. What have you been up to? Only fulfilling the mission.

What do you mean fulfilling the mission? No one can fulfill the mission. I mean, to be honest with you, I was really looking forward to keeping your dragon egg. So I gave you something impossible to do. Well, what we did, what you wanted was a body. Yes, but I see what you're doing here. I see what you're doing. It won't work if you just give me any body

you found. I was very specific that it needed to be a specific body. I think we have that body. Oh, do you? On the count of three, let's say which body you wanted. One, two, three. Petrina Velikovna.

Yes. Arena? Petrina Velikovna. The very way that you said it like that. No, it seems to me like you waited until I said it. Then stumbled a bit. No, no. Then talked to her.

You have so many notebooks in front of you. No, no. What could you possibly write in them? Look, I'm going to be honest, Dave. I've mostly written the word pork butt about 40 times. It's like a memento if you woke up in a cold sweat and was like, I have to make someone eat a racist pastry. Speaking of, you hungry?

No, I'm good. All good. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Bobby, please. Oh, no, yum, yum, yum. Bobby, please. Oh, no, you don't have it. You just know about it. Friso has it. You've got it.

I've got a little thing called Petrina's body in this orb. So if you'll give us back our draconic to power our time machine. What is this show? Otherwise, I guess I'll... Eat it. I'll eat it. Otherwise, I'll eat it. What are you...

No, no, wait, wait, wait. Give it. Show us the egg. Where's the fucking egg? Get the egg. Get the egg. Somebody goes and gets the egg. Yeah.

You're probably lucky it runs away. All right, well, let's not do anything hasty. You've got some sort of snow globe there It's an orb! May I see the orb? No, you may not see the orb You can look with your eyes Okay

Hands behind the back, Borov That's fine by me Are all the other generals just watching this? I'm handling it! They're all reading Cathy I hold up the globe and he can lean in to look at it But if his hands come close I'm handling it. They're all reading Cathy. I hold up the globe and he can lean in to look at it. But if his hands come close, I'll eat it.

He looks at it. Stop saying you're going to eat a corpse. My mouth is open. And he's like, good naturedly like, let's see what this bullshit is. And then he looks and he looks closer and he turns sort of white and then flushes with joy and he's like, you've done it. You've actually done it. We've only

we've never failed in a core quest before. Mostly side quests. But how? How have you managed this? Through great personal expense. Yes.

That we would request recompense for. Well, of course. Oh, of course. You have your egg back and better. We also request a body of our own. Yeah, we want our own body. One of our own. We want that magician back, don't we guys?

I see you're invoking your ancient rite of Corpius Corpus. You could actually tell your wife that joke, Ben. She'd be quite proud of you. She might be proud of it. That'd be good. Honey, honey, I made the most delightful joke at my Dungeons and Dragons podcast. What's the joke? I don't get it.

I laughed, to be polite, but I didn't get it. Do you know what? It's actually not that great. And if there's any scrutiny on it, it's going to fall apart. So let's just glide on by. We're going to leave a blank space in the podcast. For everyone who ever thinks about it. And if Anya likes the joke in this blank spot, she'll explain what the joke was.

And if you hear silence, she didn't care for it. One, two, three. And that's what Corpus Corpus is. And that was the voice of my lovely wife. We assume. We assume. Yes, a body of one of our own, in fact. That of the monk, Bastonin Drurovich.

Oh, yeah. Well, I can see Steve is very upset about this. He was in the hospice when your forces raised to the ground. Not my forces. What do you mean? The silver ding-dongs. Sorry, which version of raised?

Because it's an auto-antonym, you know. Did you know that? It's a word that means the opposite of itself. I think what's happened here is Ben tried to... You know what just about happens. Those aren't my forces. What do you mean? That horrid business out in the desert.

The silver chorus. We're a bunch of church loonies. We give them a little bit of, you know, oh, here you go, here's a sword, here you go. Well, they took our friends to Deadsville. The silver chorus are a faith militant. They might support the Barovian army, but they don't answer to Borov.

No, God, no. Bunch of freaks, if you ask me. Why do you give them weapons? Oh, it's all politics. You take any fight you have in this war, but not anymore because we've got the bloody body. Well, now that you can have the body, can you help us get to Deadsville to find our friend?

Deadsville? Oh, Deadsville. Yes, I went on my honeymoon with Jenny to Deadsville. It's a marvellous place. Wait, actually, before we go, can you send one of your pigeons or ravens or maybe a faster bird? Maybe an eagle or something. Ostrich. An ostrich.

I can send my personal ostrich. And just see if our monk is a Deadsville. Yes. Cassowary. And he calls out a travelling ostrich in the heraldry of Barovia, the new state nation. Wait, Dave, it's an ostrich called Cassowary? It's an ostrich called Cassowary, yeah. On a motorbike.

Cassie for short. Now, this is confusing. I want you to bear with me here. This is Cassie for short. Now this is confusing. I want you to bear with me here. This is Cassie the ostrich. It's short for Cassowary which she isn't. Cassowary is

a different kind of bird. It's actually good that you're sending an ostrich out there because a Cassowary will probably get distracted by all the sturt desert peanuts out there. With the kind of boys they're sending out there to salt their hair, there wouldn't be a bloody surprise. Now you're asking him to send Cassie to where? To Deadsville to check if our friend, the monk, Bastard, is there.

Okay, that's a day as the ostrich runs, so you can stay. We'll stay overnight. You can stay overnight. Day as the ostrich runs. Now, listen. I have something to show you. I wasn't entirely convinced that you wouldn't just die. But while we were remodelling the castle,

what do you think, by the way? Great. Apparently there was some ruckus with the last remodellers, okay? Killed somebody, would you believe? Was that us? Was that us? One of the other generals goes, well of course Commander, that was before the untimely passing of Lord Ravenloft

and they all make the sign of the silver chorus. Yes, yes etc. Have a look. I'm very glad nobody asked me what it was because I have no idea. You just did the Christian sign of the cross. Yeah, I know I did, but that's no idea. It's something more fantasy than that.

It's whatever your imagination desires unless it's a crook one, in which case it's not that. Look, listen, feel, taste, and hear. These are some of the senses. I've said one of them twice. Come with me. I want to show you something. Okay.

He hasn't taken the orb from you. He doesn't seem to be asking for anything. He just wants you to follow him. Okay. I put it back in my bag then. Oh, and lucky. Bring that dragon's egg. We'll need it.

He leads you into the kind of chamber of the lower area of the castle. And he soon comes to a wall that has a huge heavy lock on it. into the kind of chamber of the lower area of the castle. And he soon comes to a wall that has a huge heavy lock on it. He pulls out a burnished shiny key, turns it twice, and the door opens and you see steps leading down into the balinox that have been cut into the body of the mountain. You know, when I left the front to take over in the Castle Ravenloft, I had something of a dilemma, because your shiny little boxes were there and I couldn't leave them.

So I had them shipped up here for safekeeping, because a deal's a deal no matter how likely it was that you just blow your own dicks off. So I kept them here. I haven't really been giving them much thought, but come, you'll get a kick out of this. He walks down, and as you walk down the steps, Frizzo, Bobby and Fil filge you feel a strange sense of

deja vu as if you have walked this road before and as you make the steps down you find yourself in a huge vaulted mausoleum with crypts on either side as you realize brand new as it is, unalloyed by the ages that will come. This is clearly the mausoleum of the House of Strahd, newly renovated under Ravenloft, the crypt that you were once left in to die, where the Vampire Count's family will one day be interred. Boy, this seems really novel, hey guys? be interred.

Oh, this seems really novel, hey guys? Yeah, I mean, I guess we've because we're, did we tell you we're time travellers, Mr. Tortal? Oh, did it come up? Didn't come up? No. Oh yeah, we're not from this We're from the future, different reality. Can I just say, they tried this on me as well

and while they are for a very long time ago, they're travelling forward in time, like you and I. So technically speaking, I'm a time traveller, you're a time traveller. Yeah, I'm a time traveller as well. They've just got boxes that they sleep in, basically. I've got a box I sleep in. Watch this, guys.

I'm going to time travel right now. Whoa! Oh, my God, it's a time travel eternal with a big dick. That's what you sound like. Hey, you're a good time. What are you doing, mate? Once this war's over. The big boys have discovered each other.

But he walks into the centre of the room and he grabs a torch. It's of low light. Only a few of you can see. And he strikes an acrid smelling match along the wall and lights a sputtering torch and he holds it high. It illuminates the room and you can see

the figure of Marceline Val's cold cell engine. The cryo chambers that have delivered you this far that are yet planned if they have the Dragon Egg to power them to take you all the way back to your own time. Behold your time machines! And then he points to his own shoes

and goes, behold my time machines! I feel like you're not taking this seriously. This is the machine that will get us back to our own time. Yes, and listen, I've thought about that. And so what is it that you

said we were going to kick out of? Well, look, listen. I've thought about this. And so what is it that you said we were going to kick out of? Well, look, listen. I've thought about this, and I've thought about the story you told me about being interrupted so rudely last time you were trying to sleep. And here's what I'm going to do. And here's what my plan is now that you've done your end of the bargain. Uh-huh? This

vault is almost impenetrable. I'm going to make it completely impenetrable. I'm going to make it completely impenetrable. I'm going to brick up this door and leave you a pickaxe. And then when you wake in 800 or so years, you can whack yourself out. Whack yourself off.

You're going to whackity whack. I'm just saying, from this day forward, I am sworn to protecting the secrets of these little boxes here to make sure you make your journey through time. And my son shall protect it, and his son shall protect it. And maybe his daughter. It's 693.

The only other consideration for us is there is a mad vampire who's quite angry at us. Right. His name is Strahd. Uh-huh. Von Zarovich. Uh-huh. I mean, that, like, the literal cause of the war. Like, are you asking if I've heard of this man? Oh, you know about him! We're in his house!

You are in his house. Isn't that in the future, though? Yeah, but just... You're just pork buns, you say. Can I ask you a question? That's a good point. We're not in his house. But he's the whole fucking reason we started the war!

Wait, is he? Because he was in the... He died. Gotcha, yep. How did we never do a D&D game for this long? I'm with you. This is getting confusing. Sorry, did you just say he was a vampire? We're pretty sure he's a vampire. a D&D game for this long. I'm with you. This is getting confusing.

Sorry. Did you just say he was a vampire? We're pretty sure he's a vampire. Or will be. But there's a bell you can ring and if he hears the bell, he becomes mortal. Wonderful. Where's the bell?

Do you have the bell? I don't think I do have the bell. I do have the bell. I stole it from his house. Right? Yeah. You have the bell. I do have the bell. I stole it from his house. Right? Yeah. You have a bell that makes everybody take death saves. Yeah, you have some bell that you got from his house.

The bell of true sound. Yeah. Oh, that's like a fairly standard item. No, no, no, no. Oh, it's not? Okay, good. Well, here's what I'd suggest. You give me the bell and I'll give it to my son.

And he'll give it to his son and he'll give it to his daughter. Very strict eugenics instructions for your children. And we will hold Rachel over this space. No evil shall enter. Well, you've got to let some evil in at the start, obviously, before you seal it off, maybe. What do you... Oh. And then once it's sealed off... Once it's sealed off, no more evil!

No more evil! If we can fight it, we will. Great, I think that's good. That suits us, doesn't it? Yeah, we just wait for Baston to arrive, and bing-bang-bong. But for now, we wait for Cassie, and for now, you are tired, you are hungry,

you have come back from the desert anorak, and you must eat. And he clicks his fingers. And as he does, the friar Lucky comes with the egg. And even though you haven't given him the body yet because he trusts you, he gives the egg to you, Bobby. And you can feel, even though it is 200 years old,

the warmth of dragon fire deep inside this egg. And he says... This was once inside a dragon's... Butthole. I don't think that's what they... Oh, Ben. Technically, it's the butthole, and it's the other holes as well.

Dragons have a cloaca. Dragons do not have a cloaca. Canonically, they do. No, they don't. Canonically, they do. You can't just say... What does canonically mean? It means...

It means... paleontologists. No. Do you mean dinosaurs had cloacas? No. Dragons are real. So you think dragons are closer to birds than they are to insects? Ben's writing a TV show and he's not getting a lot of sleep at the moment. Not a lot of sleep for old Benjo.

Sorry, what was your question? It was about the cloaca. Then don't worry about your question. Bobby, he gives you the dragon egg and he pats you familiarly, a little too familiarly, on the shoulder and indicates to the centre of Val's machine. There you are, buddy. Get that up, yeah.

The pedestal and cylinder where the egg sits. I place it on to see if it kicks down to the machine. And the machine whirs to life as the rest of you look. And he claps his hands again. And servants come down the stairs with meats and breads. And a feast is laid at the foot of a magnet. Please sit by the magnet. In my culture, there is no greater honour

than having an enormous magnet. And when I became commander, they gave me this one. It's pretty cool. So a funny thing that happens when I do this show is I start describing something and I don't know how far I can go, but you get to a point and it's the abyss yeah and then my brain shuts down no no he they give you food on the magnet meats and sweets on a giant magnetic table regrettably it's a

very very irritating meal we really work those biceps. Every mouthful. He just smashes you in the face. All of you can eat. Oh, I broke a fucking tooth. All of you can be married. But check this out, check this out. Oh no, wait, that won't work.

That's not how magnets work. Never mind. How does he do it? Say it, say the thing. He made the mistake you made, so. Well, he says, check this out. And he reverses the polarity, expecting all the cutlery to fly up to the ceiling. And then nothing happens.

And he goes, I've tried this before. I forget. They have to be magnets as well. And you drink late into the night. All of you are recovered. All of you have a long rest. You get your spells back. You get your maximum hit points back. You lose

your exhaustion levels. Such is the power of this feast. And at one point, Borov excuses himself and has a hushed word with an attaché and then comes back grimly shaking his head. What are you talking about? I wish I could be

telling you this under better circumstances. But, uh... Well, actually, it's not the circumstances. It's the thing you're saying, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so. I could be telling you this. The circumstances are great. I could be telling you this, you know, at Deadsville,

at one of their water slides. But, no. What I have to say concerns Densville for Cassie the ostrich has returned with grave tidings. Your friend is not among the guests.

So we need to make a choice now if we cut Eden from the podcast. Well, I don't know what that means, but if we just go back to i will tell you something i will have a son you keep saying that and he will have a son he is after all, married. And then he will have a daughter! And we will spend our lives protecting this ground and looking for your friend.

That I solemnly swear. The war's going to be over. I'm going to have to do something. It's either this or build weird little ships. Do you put them in bottles? Yeah, I put them in bottles. What do you do with the bottles? Put them on a shelf, give them to people who don't want them,

show them to people when they come over. What do you say? I say, look at that. And they go, oh. And they go, I hear that some of them, you build the bottle around, and I say, that's not how I do it. And it's tedious. So, I think this is better.

Okay? I mean, why should we trust you to do this for us into the future? Great question. As soon as we fall asleep, you could just take back everything you just said. We need an assurance from you look around you i thought you were a bunch of heads who had no chance but i still went to all this trouble on the off chance that you came through for me i'm a man of my word can we do a trust the guy check an An insight check, you can.

We've only got one dice tonight. Well, would you like another one? Yeah. There you go. Have one each. Insight, did you say? Yeah. Isn't this... Oh, I got six.

And you got six. You can take one too. You can all take an insight check. Oh, I got 14. All right. Oh, 19. Why did you say, oh, that's a good roll? Yeah, I'm pretty interested in it. Ooh, 19. Why did you say ooh? That's a good roll.

Yeah, I'm pretty interested in it. Oh, sorry. What did you say? I forgot where I was for a second. Tom, all right. And what did you get? Nine. All right.

So this is a moment for you. In that case, Logan, you look deeply into the eyes of a man who believed that he was going to die in a hopeless war that would consume this continent, doom him, his progeny, his line, and his people. And you see a man who has everything that he wanted, who is a king amongst men, a folk hero of mythic proportions who has had the land named after him, and he understands where credit is due and he will do what he says.

Seems tight. Logan. Yeah. What if you stay behind? You guys have been trying to fucking get rid of me since the second I grew up. And I know you're obsessed with your boyfriend or whatever his name is,

like, flasked on. But I'm here now obsessed with your boyfriend or whatever his name is, like, flasked on. But I'm here now. Such a weird way to get that wrong. It doesn't... I'm not getting... I'm here now, okay? And I've been chill about it the entire time.

No, but... But what if we gave you a really important job? Oh, fuck. Like, what? What if your job was... If you sense that he's going to betray us. Yeah, which I haven't because I know really well that he's not going to, but yeah. But just say maybe he will, but what about his son?

Or his son? Or his daughter? So always. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. This tortle, you have stood shoulder to shoulder with this turtle through thick and thin while being sucked off in the veil and you don't want to take him

with you? You haven't formed a bond? Don't forget that he has basically imprinted himself on Bobby, a man so desperate for friendship that he is now, it seems, ready to die for a turtle he met 12 hours ago. Can I just throw this banner in the works that I know, Dave, that's what I call God,

doesn't want me to bring up, but I think this is largely moot because there's no way that fucker's fitting in Bastogne's chamber. As we have already established his size. You know how the cold cell engine works. It partly feeds us off the fact that you all are travelling back to where you were meant to be. Rubber band theory? Oh, of course.

The rubber band theory. Well, Logan, you can't come with us, unfortunately, but... I didn't say that. There were just a couple of obstacles. We'd have to rebuild the whole machine. I've decided out of my own volition that I will stay, not because I won't fit in the thing. And that's my decision to make.

But then all the riches owed to us as recompense for our travels go to you and yours. Are you saying you're going to give me information about the stocks from the future or something? You need betting guys. Do you know you have cryptocurrency now, Logan? At the Tower of the Arcane, you did remember you fought that magical plant,

you found the Guthias staff. That is an artifact of powerful druidic potency. You might want to keep it. You might have forgotten you had it. Now that I've reminded you, you'd like to keep it. We just need a quick little drag and huddle. Sorry, I know you're a very important major. Commander.

Commander. Commander Major Borov. Well, that's confusing. It's just Commander. It's just Commander. Bobby... I got a promotion. They named a whole fucking country after me. It's just Commander. Bobby. I got a promotion. They named a whole fucking country after me. See, at that point, I feel like you don't need the title, you know?

Yeah, well, I have it. Because everyone knows who you are. Yeah, I know, but I have it. So while I have it, you may as well use it. Wait, Barovia didn't exist before him? What? Oh, stay! If not for you. Do you write that, like when you're ordering Uber Eats,

do you write commander on that? CMD. So when the Uber Eats guy turns up, you go, thing for Borov? You go, commander Borov. No, I go, Borov? Who's Borov? I'm sorry, I don't know any Borov around here.

And then he goes, oh, commander Borov. And I go, what was that? And he goes, any Borov around here. And then he goes, oh, come on, Borov. And I go, what was that? And he goes, come on, Borov. And I go, thank you very much. Give me my pad thai. And then I don't tip him. I don't tip him. Sorry, Filch.

Sorry. Even if they do find Bastogne, how will we get Bastogne back to our timeline? They'll have to put him in the hole. And he looks at him and he looks at any any any knots and he says and and he goes on to say even if i will send my men and my children and they will have strict instructions that if they find your friend no matter how old he is no matter how much time has passed if he lives yet they will place him in the cold cell that was made for him so that you may at least have some time with him when you return. Also, if he's dead and you find

his body, put it in there as well. Really? You want that? I think that would be... At least then we'll know. I think that would be gross. No, then we'll know. I think just assume that he's dead. Then we can greet him properly. Okay. We could use some future magic to, you know, reanimate his corpse. Okay. Yeah. Alright, well, yeah,

sure. I'm writing all this down. Put his bits into a necklace, carry him around with us. That's weird. It's nice. I think it's nice. It's a weird thing to do. Do it, okay? All right.

So he sends the rest of the servants and the hangers-on and the flunkies that were at the feast away, and he says to you that none of them understand what's happening today. None of them know what that you will be down here I will personally break this up all that stuff I said in front of them unfortunately this is a quiet conversation unfortunately the first thing I do when I leave here is gonna kill them I like at least three of them but this is how committed I am Phil Phil. We love... Shot me in the fucking leg, you cunt. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's all right. All right, well, as we get into our machines... Yes, and we give you the bell. I give the bell of true sound to you, Borov. Yep. And I say, Borov, you're... Commander Borov. Commander Borov.

In our time, Borovia still exists, so you must have been pretty chuffed about that. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, that's just a cool bit of trivia for you. And I give the goofiest staff to... In your time, is it really cool and not cursed at all? Oh, yeah. It's not full of bats.

Oh, wonderful. My sigil is somebody going to a bat. So you're going to give this stuff as a gift to Logan? To Logan. Thank you. And to the kingdom of Barovia, I leave this sheep, Jeff, whose piss I've been drinking for three weeks now. That's really gross.

Well, I mean, have you drunk its piss? No. You could dry. I don't think I will. I mean, you're just. You could try. I don't think I would. I mean, you're just very gentle. No, I don't think I would. Saying it's gross. Hey, this discussion is over.

I'm just not going to yes and this. Hey, Borov. Yeah. Do you know that it takes a village to raise a child? Uh-huh. But it takes 17 children to raise a village. That's wonderful. That's my gift to you. Thank you. I will cherish

it all. R-A-Z. Auto-antim. The dragon prince make their way into the cold cells until Logan and Borov, two massive giants, stand squeezed shoulder to shoulder in the stairway as they watch the three of you settle down.

And all of you cannot help but feel a pang in your hearts as you realise that the fourth cell is still empty for Bastogne is lost in this time. And you hope that when you open your eyes again, you will see your friend once more. Alex. Alex, what is it? What is it? Finish it up, it finish finish it up Dave finish it up

finish it up walks down puts his hand out to you, Friso. And I'm already asleep, I guess. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're fucking not. Honk shoo, baby. Honk shoo, my friend. Nah, alright, here you go, you cheeky bugger. And you hand the orb that would stop a war. I'm so glad no one was around to see this.

Because the dragon friends have done the impossible. The dragon friends have for the first time in over a year successfully completed a modest quest, reached a milestone. They all gain a level. You are all now, for the first time, you have managed to make your way to level nine.

Level nine, sleepy boys. As you all sleep, because you have defeated the empire of Netheril, caused Karsus to fall, you have saved the world for a war that would never end. You have united the Garcosians and the Barovians. You have seen that history should deliver you back to the land in which you came as you settle into a deep, deep sleep. A long and powerful sleep. The sleep of the just, of the righteous. Friso, you sleep deeper and better than you have for a long time. One famously inhospitable to the just of the righteous friso you sleep deeper and better than you have for a long time

one famously inhospitable to the gifts of morpheus you succumb nevertheless to a powerful and deep dream fridge fridge how are you uh robbie robbie still here yeah you came into my office yesterday um and it was good to see you, actually. It was great to have you finally in, and sorry about all the muck around with the dream situation. Don't worry now. I've sorted that out. So not to get too into the logistics of it,

but I went down to the Department of Dreams, and I said, look, I've got a high-off client. He doesn't dream. And they said, we can sort that out with a translator. Anyway, that's all for me. What I've done, though, I've just had to add 5% to my commission just to cover the administration cost. But that's all done. You don't need to worry about that.

You don't need to worry about that at all. Fridge, I've got that sorted out. Look, it was good to see you yesterday, good to see you yesterday, and if any of your friends, um, they want a representation, you just, um, you just, you just send them, send them my way, because, you know, if you, if you, if you want gold, you, you start with silver, Robbie Silver, Robbie Silver is me, uh, well, we met yesterday, it doesn't matter, look, I mean, the point is, um, look, I just wanted to, I felt bad about the whole, the whole dreams situation, and, and, and, and look, I just wanted to send you, I just want to send you

a spell, um, it's a, it's summon greater demons spell, and, and, and look, it's, it's really important, it's really important that you, you know, you mustn't cast it unless you set up a proper, proper magic circle, you know, uh, you know, that's, that's your realm, that's your realm, you know, all the precautions, uh, security, uh, that's not, that's not for me circle you know uh you know that's that's your realm that's your realm you know all the precautions uh security oh that's not that's not for me you know i mean i'm here rattling my papers around my files you know i'm not something somebody getting any demon great the only greater demon is my my ex-wife you know and i miss it i miss her every day i miss her every day um i miss her every day if i'm honest with you fridge if i'm honest with you i miss her every day I miss her every day if I'm honest with you Fridge, if I'm honest with you I miss her every day but

well look the important thing is you do all the precautions with that spell and if you do someone you've got to treat her with respect because demons go back to hell and they remember if they've been used and the last thing the last thing you want is

because these things live forever you know they can they you never know where you know you've got one greater demon now it could end up you know who you know who who it is you know a couple hundred years from now it could be very important could be very important so you just want to you know you just want to you just want to you just want to treat them right you know um because they never forget a grudge a bit like my ex-wife them right you know um because they never forget a grudge a bit like my ex-wife no but um no i miss i miss her i do miss her every day yeah i do if i'm yeah if i can open up to you about that that is um rich but yeah no anyway so yeah use the spell use it use it wisely and use it safely as well and just remember to to to to um you know set up a i don't know the magic circle

and be kind just be kind that's all i'm asking to um anyway i hope you enjoy i hope you enjoy the dream i hope it's the first of many um but yeah they told me they've sorted that out so if you know i know you don't dream and you're a high elf but you're trans state you should be able to should be able to get this but i've just had it five percent on i've just had five percent onto that um so we're at 15 we'll call we'll call it 20 if if if we need to you know anyway great great great to hear from you great great great to for you to be heard great to be heard i should say and um yeah keep doing what you're doing and as the dragon friends hurdle towards time 800 years towards the present to the third age to the time that they were born we will leave them for now we do not know where they will born. We will leave them for now. We do not know where they will travel.

We do not know where they can be. We do not know where they have come from. We know this, that adventures still lie await for those four pathetic fools that we once called the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty. Dave Harmon is our Dungeon Master with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and special live guest accompaniment by Nick Harriot.

Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live every month at the Comedy Store in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the dragon friends Patreon who get early access to ad free episodes,

as well as exclusive content every other week until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. But don't worry. Cause that's what time travels for. You can always go back and try again. Can I change my voice? Rough dimensions. Like two shipping containers next to each other? From the front or the back?

The whole thing. No, what he is is... That's too wide. Yeah, he's too wide. You know the statue outside the QVB of the talking dog that's voiced by John Lewis? Yeah.

He is the size and dimensions of that. The dog? No, no, no. The whole fountain. The whole Oedipus. That's not helpful. That's not helpful? I gave you exactly the right thing.

No, you told me that you gave me the dimensions of a very small thing. In a bigger thing. Like a phone box? No, but the thing you look No, you told me that you gave me the dimensions of a very small thing. In a bigger thing. Like a five box? No, but the thing you look at when you look at that is the small thing, which is the dog. No one's like measuring. When I look at Hing, I look at the small thing, which is his face.

What are you saying? It's like, you know that small dog voiced by John Laws? Well, you know the suburb that it's in? What about the King's Cross fountain? When it's spurting or not? Are you taking into account water height? No, with no water height. Again, this is the opposite problem.

Because I'd be watching. The things that you normally look at in extremities are reducing. Double set of doors going in. Double doors? What? No, double doors. You know, like two doors when you go in that open? Sure.

Two old school phone boxes next to each other? He just fits through a double set of doors. So he would just squeeze into a Westfield. Westfield is bigger than the double doors. No, I mean the double doors going into a Westfield. What about the double doors at the QVB? I never see them because I always look at the QVB? I'd never see them because I always look

at the dog. He's big. What the fuck do you want from me anyway? He's here.