Dragon Friends - #8.16. Ticking and Tocking

Episode Date: October 30, 2022

The Dragon Friends travel forward through time towards their final destination, hoping that their wayward friend lost in time will be waiting for them when they wake. What they find, however, is much worse. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How are we? Did we all have some drinks? We good? I find the best way to start a second half is a sort of meandering low-energy conversation about the previous half. About a dead sheep. Yeah, about the ways in which it was wrong. Yay! Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry, don't worry Cause that's what time travels for

You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back And there are seconds You can always go back Picture if you will

I will! The custodians of time As Brave Adventures 3 Huddling through the cosmos One thousand years of history Between them and their destination Where is their destination? That time of their birth, that time of their life,

that time in which they belong. Rubber bands of flogiston flinging them into the great unknown. They have traveled far, they have traveled near, but in different times long ago, which in some ways is farther. And they have found themselves inside the cold cell engines of Marceline Val, masterful chronomancer and once great love of Bastogne and Durevitch, and have spun themselves forward 100 years, 200 years, 1,000 years, into this, the Third Age, the time that they began.

Fucking forget this podcast because it's over. They're home. They made it. The Dragon Prince have made it all the way back to 1492. Dale reckoning the time that once they were birthed and now must live. Ticking and tocking goes the cold cell engine. Can we just make sure that not more than one audience member is called an ambulance?

Because that just gunks up the line. Ticking and tocking goes the cold cell engine dreams beyond dreams dreams within dreams as the dragon friends slowly open their eyes it has been 800 years since they closed them they are here at last and they realize that something is strange something is wrong and it takes them a second to realise clammy, constricted, confined in the tombs of this device, they realise for the first time the engine has gone truly

silent and then a little bell starts to ring. Ring, ring. Well, you weren't doing the bell, so I thought... No, no, that was good. That was good, thank you. Do you want to be the ring for this scene and I'll be Freezer? You couldn't handle it, Derek.

Which ring? Is it a bell from the machine or is it my bell of true sound? No, it's a little chime. So you open your eyes as the cold cells open. Pneumatic hisses reveal a tomb, a tomb much as you left it, and an ancient 800-year-old brick facade where the stairs used to be. It seems that Borov has kept his promise. And a pickaxe? And an old, old iron pickaxe sitting beside it and a bell ringing in the centre and the heart of the machine.

We've got to turn off that ring. Wait, first of all, we get out of the machine. Bobby runs to where Baston usually would be to see if there's anything in. Is there a Baston there, Dave? Something strange has happened to Baston's cell. It seems that it has been grafted with new technology, bulbous and strange. There's weird tubes feeding into it

as if one who is not the same kind of level of expert as Marceline Val has tried to tinker with it and it is locked firmly shut. Is there any glass? Can we see through? There is frosted glass opaque with the mist of ages, and you can't see through it. How? Has it been made bigger?

Yes, much bigger. How much bigger has it been made, Dave? Oh, no. How much bigger, Dave? Would you say, like, two shipping containers the size of the dog? Oh, no. How many Westfield doors is it, Dave? It opens up, and you see as the mist mist escapes the figure of a giant tortle.

Fuck! Yeah, it's Walsh. I was surprised when you came out for the second half. You know what I mean? Yeah. He was like, have a nice trip home, buddy. Is your Uber coming, Tom? What's going on, man?

Does he look any different at all? Yeah. Well, first of all, he's got a bit of like a Mad Max sort of vibe to him. His turtle, if anyone's seen the Bowser trailer, Mario trailer. It's not a Bowser trailer. It's the Bowser trailer to you and that's fine. It's playing in my head right now. He's just got like some sort of metal sort of metal fucking hooks on his turtle back.

It's a shell. No, I understand. It's his turtle back. He's got that. He's got his sort of ninja mask. He's got one eye covered. Maybe he's got it scooped out. Maybe not.

And I've got a question. The other fella, what was his costume? Borov? Yeah. Oh, Borov had a beautiful old bear skin coat And a, what is the name of those Russian hats? Ashanka, yeah Yeah, he's got those two pieces of like strapped

And like strapped around his arms It's like Logan, what have you done? You, what have I fucking, what have I done? You stupid pricks We've just been sleeping, why are we pricks? Because, well, first of all You said I couldn't get in the thing. And we turned out I can get in the thing.

We just preferred you didn't. Also, we didn't say you couldn't get in there. Major Borov, Commander Borov said you couldn't get in there. Don't you use his name, you stupid maybe blue. Is he blue? No, he's not. I'm Chinese, possibly. No, you committed to it, Tom.

Does anybody have a bun around? I'm feeling quite peckish. Are you hungry? No, I'm fine, actually. Only before I left. You fucks. You absolute assholes. What have we done?

What have we done? I'm sorry. Okay. I'm going to join you whether you guys like it or not. That's the first thing I'm going to say. I don't know if we like that. No, no. I have because one thing Borov is...

He starts to cry. Logan. What? Why are you crying? I'm not crying. I'm just... It's a turtle thing because if you're not near the water for a long time,

you sweat out your eyes. That's not true. He's dead. Borah's dead? He's dead. What's been 800 years? He died yesterday. What?

What? Not specifically. I mean, in my mind. Oh, because you've been... I've been in the time machine. You've been in the machine. How long did you stay around in Barovia before you got into the time machine?

We spent 15 years looking for your friend. And? We couldn't find him. It drove him insane. It drove him absolutely mental. And I've got to tell you, I've never had a good friend like him. Because you guys were real pricks

before you left. And us turtles do a thing which is we kind of imprint on anyone that's nice to us. Well, the first person. And I was actually alive for about 82 years before that. You'd be surprised about the people who would just call me big dick guy. But he was the first one to look past

my cock. To your massive balls. He was the only one to look past my cock. To your massive balls. He was the only one to see my balls as they were. And unfortunately... Damn, they're crazy. Don't stare at them now like he once did. That's crazy. I'd never seen them before.

It's like two turtle shells. It's like trying to look at the rest of a fountain when your mind is just focusing on a dog. I've just been looking at this little dog. Yeah. And I missed... There's a whole statue behind it. I missed the plinth upon which that magnificent penis was placed.

We couldn't find your friend, but... Borov is dead now, and as my imprinted turtle friend which is the name we give them I have to fulfill my loved one's duty which is his last mission

which was to help you fuckwits which you've done no not quite until I find your stupid friend which I have to do otherwise I get

very very sad that's just something that happens that's not like my own thing is that magical or that's just emotion which I have to do, otherwise I get very, very sad. That's just something that happens. That's not, like, my own thing. Is that magical or that's just emotion? It's, like, a magic sadness. And he reaches behind him. That's what they call depression in the fantasy. Yeah, just like, watch this.

And he kind of, like, walks away from you and immediately just, like, starts writing poetry. But before he does that, he reaches into the sweaty innards of the time machine, the cold cell engine, and he pulls out Borov's Ushanka, which is now studded with all of his many medals, and he sort of plunks it on his head. Are you the new commander? Who else?

Commander Logan. That's huge. Say the full thing please You're going to do that when you order food? Is that? Yeah Well I actually just say They come They say Logan

I say Oh no Logan here I don't know What are you talking about Is Logan the bloody tiny? Ding ding ding The bell is still ringing Oh what does that mean?

Smash the bell You walk over And you're going to. Oh, what does that mean? Smash the bell? You walk over and you're going to stop the bell? Yeah, I'll try to stop the bell. Are there any other cells? No, this is all, they're all open. So you walk up the village to the centre of the heart of the cold cylinder. I don't remember how it works. Well, no, you've never heard this bell before.

So you walk up. New bell. And you look at the cylinder on the pedestal where the dragon's egg once was and you see Shard's broken dragon egg, all of them cracked and dry. And there is a little bell ringing and it's winding down as it goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And it stops and then like a little toaster fucking pop and a little card jumps out of a slot near the egg. We'll have a read of the card then, Dave. All right, Friso takes the card.

It's like an 8,000-year magic trick. Absolutely. It wasn't this, actually. It was an eight of diamonds. And you see fancy cursive script of Muslin Vow. And it begins with, ta-da! Was this your card? I'm kidding.

Best on my love. One last little note from me. If you are reading this, then you and your friends are back in your home time. Give or take a few years. Holy F Dooley. The sights you must be seeing, a perfect world, born of a great victory perfectly executed Bastogne I will die knowing

that in my lifetime we made something real Marceline V chronomancer yours always you hear a squawk behind you as you see the card and you turn and while you've all been looking

at the card and the bell settling down on the pickaxe behind you as you see the card and you turn and while you've all been looking at the card and the bell settling down on the pickaxe behind you this is a tiny silver figure about the size of a chihuahua silver scaled with a long tail a baby silver dragon a wormling hello bobby like um picks it up Hello, Bobby. Picks it up. Tickles it under its chin. It bites you. You take two hit points of damage. Hey, I guess Friso's going to talk to the dragon.

Yeah? Because Friso can talk to the dragon. No, no, no, no, no. I see what you've got to do here. You want to get the dragon to bond to you. We just bit you, so it's not going to bond to you. Well, I mean, it's bonded to me with its mouth to my finger. You're going to speak to animals? Yeah.

So you're going to try and win the dragon's favour? Or just ask it what it thought up. Go for it. Hey. What you got there? A broken egg? That's pretty cool, isn't it? You don't like me?

I can't understand you for some reason You don't talk yet because you're a baby You've just been born This is him meeting any of his friend's children Do we have any of our stuff with us? Yeah, yeah, all your stuff's here. I reach into a pocket and I kneel down before the dragon, like I crouch down.

This is really interesting because all the dragon friends want something and I've never seen this before, which is you all want the dragon to like you the most. And I bring out a gold coin and I give it to the dragon. It's a silver dragon. Yes! You suckers, it's mine! I'm going to rule the world! And the dragon pelts the coin as hard

as its little hands can right at your head. You take a hit point of damage. And then it goes... Oh, you little prick. Okay. Alright, so little prick. Okay. Alright, so let's kill it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's just...

Little guy, you can come with us. You can go and do your own thing. I understand. I mean, look, we've been with you since you were an egg. So, like, thanks for getting us here. Oi, what the fuck do you want? Hang on, are you casting speak to animals? I am.

Okay. No, don't look at them. Look at me. Don't look at them. Don't look at the ground. You better... Fuck you. Fuck you.

And the silver dragon flutters up and it lights itself on the shoulder of Logan the Huge. That's what 15 years of looking for someone that doesn't probably exist. Now it's you're all entombed in a mausoleum that was made to house the family of a vampire and the air is running thin because now the cold cell is opened, there's not that much air in here. Let's blast our way out, Dave. Blast? By which I mean, Fields, can you pick X's out, please? Yes, okay.

I start hammering away using all my strength. No, I'm actually really mad. Why are you angry? Because that fucking little dragon pelted a coin at my head and I thought we had a thing. Logan's got it now and usually I get the stuff. Alright, barbaric rage means you have advantage, so make for me quickly an athletics check

with advantage. Alright. I got a 20. Alright, well, filled with the rage of the neglected-elected, Filch grabs the pickaxe and starts smashing her way through the bricks, through the mortar, and soon manages to crack a hole,

jagged and wicked enough for the dragon friends to exit. And the moment that she does, all of you quickly make for me a constitution checks. Constitution, eh? 11. 11. eh? Eleven. Eleven. Ten. Ten.

Ten. Fucking guys. Nine. Nine. Dragon. Oh, 20. Fuck you. Don't rub it.

Don't get everything. Everything's coming up, Cardi. And as all of you, all of you begin to cough as smoke, acrid and black, starts to spill through the hole, you emerge. By the way, I should add that Cardi feels great, feels fantastic.

Just talking to that dragon. Feels invigorated, feeling a wonderful time with his new dragon friend. You all take five hit points of damage as the poisonous air breaks through the mausoleum as you walk out into the strange garish green light. It seems that the Castle Ravenloft is destroyed, picked up and dropped from a great height.

Most of it collapsed. This is the completed building now destroyed. Above it, racking storms of fire. Pustulent clouds of acid rain. The ground is warped and broken. Racking storms of fire. Pustulent clouds of acid rain. The ground is warped and broken. Sand mixed with shattered bones. It occurs to me that pustulent is not the pronunciation.

No, no one noticed. Mostly because there's a really well-meaning person in the front row who's laughing but being nice about it. And in the distance, who's laughing but being nice about it. And in the distance a great spire rises surrounded by howling demons flying through the air. Friso, what have you done?

I haven't done anything. I've been asleep. So does he tell us about the dream that he had? No, he does not. Why would he? All of you are being poisoned slowly dying from this air Does he tell us about the dream that he had? No, he does not. Why would he? That's true. All of you are being poisoned slowly, dying from this air that is toxic and foul. Demons fly around you.

The ground is sand. I just pull my shirt up over my nose. Oh, well then you're fine, I guess. So are there any structures around us besides this? This big tower? Yeah. Yeah, you can see ruins just to the distance over the hill. Only about 40 minutes walk.

And can we see any non-demonic beings? No, you cannot see. Do you want to ask me if you can see any demonic beings? You've already said there's a lot of demons around, Dave. Yeah, there are ruins nearby just over the hill. And how long can we survive breathing this air? Probably no more than I would say about half a day.

Shit, okay. Why don't we just all lay down and die and then we can all go home. Yeah, and it will be nobody's fault. Let's just agree to die before we find out how this happened. And I point to the ruins with my shirt over my mouth and gesture that we should go there.

Okay. You all walk for an hour. You all take a level of exhaustion. Once again, as you make your way through the smoke and acid filth and soon you find yourselves just outside what looks like a ruinous highway and trudging along that highway is a wretched procession of about 20 figures in rags gaunt and suffering but their eyes and faces expressionless staring only at the tower marching towards it on each of their heads a giant iron platter and on that platter what looks like

heaps of meat and strange fruits and weird boxes and bowls and walking behind them with a whip under his arm, though very complacent, is a slightly bulbous-looking demon with a red pot belly. Bulbous? Bulbous, yep. He's like a bull? Pertaining to the bulbo, which is a lower demon of the Bartizu.

Yeah, so fuck you. And are these figures with the platters on their heads, are they humanoid in nature? Some of them human, some of them elves, some of them dwarves, but all humanoid. They're all like they're being whipped. No, he's not whipping them, but they're all marching in front of him.

Oh, okay. And he's behind, sauntering behind them as they all head down this ruinous highway towards the ziggurat. Hey, you know, the Twitch stream we did when we were all in hell. Yeah. Not our characters, but Friezo was there. Yeah. So you sort of have an understanding of how the demons in the demon world work. Trixie Demon Brain.

Yeah. You're saying this to him? Yeah, I say, Friso, these look like demons. Do you recognise these creatures? My memory of hell is that the sky was a shade of piss, I believe. I did say that the sky was green and ruinous. You can make a history check with advantage with Filger's prodding, if you want. Yeah, I'll get it.

What do I need to be, Dave? You have to tell me. 26. Oh, fuck. All right. More fool me. Yeah, you actually have the feeling that you might once again, not just that these are demons, this feels very familiar.

Not completely like Avernus, the first circle of hell, but incredibly familiar. And the there's a fearful symmetry to the geometry of the place that seems very strange and familiar. Guys, Bobby, Filch, this could

ruin our friendship, but I think I need to tell you something now that we're in hell. Wait, what? Wait. I think we're in hell. Wait, what? Wait. I think we're in hell. That's number one. But that's Castle Ravenloft, even though it's destroyed. Yeah, but I've just rolled a 26 and I feel like we're in hell. I have to beg you to try and roleplay more.

Let's try that sentence again. I have checked my histories, good sirs and madam. more. Let's try that sentence again. I've checked my histories, good sirs and madam. And forthwith I understand that we may be in a furnace of hell. Dude, why you talk like that?

I had a stroke. I have to tell you something that I probably should have told you a very long time ago but I think it's going to come up now that we're in hell and I want you to all promise you're not going to be mad

now Phil just blinks at him well you want to know don't you yeah tell so you've got to promise I promise that I won't be ma'am did you say mad or ma'am? Huh? Fine, I won't get mad. Logan? Logan? I'm already quite man, but... I reckon this is going to come up, but when I was in hell

a while back, I think we made a deal with a demon. Or maybe it was just me. I don't remember. But I think I may have sworn a pact that I was going to kill you guys at some point. And I just want you to know now that that's going to come up. But I'll try and get out of it. You swore a pact to kill Bobby and me?

And Baston, probably. And I guess myself. I'm also a dragon friend. I kind of said I was going to kill the dragon friends to a demon. What manner of beasts made you do this? What company did you keep? Well, there was... My dog.

Wait, you can't remember, can you? No, I remember. Yep. There was probably a similar amount of them to us. Do you remember when you were hanging out with Banknote? Remember those seasons? Yep. Seasons?

Autumn, summer. I was hanging out, there was a paladin called Bethany, and she was a demon, but she had a heart of gold. This arc was pretty good if you want to go watch it on Twitch. There was Bushu. Do you remember Bushu? Yeah. I think

I killed him. Or did I just leave him to die? No, you killed him. I killed him. But I think maybe he went wacko or something, and that's why that happened. And there was also a dog. But it was like a person. Anyway, I'm just trying to tell you...

Oh, God. Wait, are you for real? Charlie Goodboy. That's the wrong one, dude. That was a different Twitch stream. Different? Yeah. Oh, fuck, sorry.

To be fair, it was a cat. Oh, you were a cat? There was a muscular cat. Very furry-like, actually. And you all promised to kill the dragon friends. Well, yeah, but I... Is that why you suggested we all just die before? Honestly, genuinely, I'd forgotten until just now.

Okay, well, easy peasy. Demons are Trixie. We'll be Trixie. We'll change our name. We're no longer the Dragon Friends. We're the... Beef Babes? We could use that. That's a weird name. No one would use that. Why would anyone use that?

What about the Dragon Fiends? I mean, given this hellish hellscape, I guess that... That'll work. It's fine? Okay, Dragon Fiends. I don't have to kill you now. Great. Why don't you quickly make for me... Are you trying to be stealthy? Are you trying to hide at the top of this hill?

Because you've asked me? Yes. Make stealth checks. Make stealth checks. Oh, 18 plus stealth. You all are exhausted. Make them with disadvantage. Natural 20, baby.

With disadvantage. I rolled two 18s and I've got plus three stealth, so 21. It doesn't matter. I rolled a three. So it's very... got plus three stealth, so 21. It doesn't matter. I rolled a three. So it's very 17. I'm not mad, Friso. I'm just very disappointed. All right, so Friso and Bobby both manage to slink away into the shadows,

but the figures of the larger members of the party, Filge and Logan, silhouette the sun as the figure of the overseer of this procession of the damned turns around and squints in the harsh green light and then waves. Hello. Will we wave back? Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. What have you got there? Big plates on your heads? Oh, yeah, these guys do. Not me. Where are you heading, good traveller?

Oh, heading somewhere real nice. Just kidding. Bit of hell humour for you. Bit of, bit of, I said bit of hell humour. Oh, yeah. Did you ask where we were And I said somewhere good Alright we'll see ya Okay bye

Wait a minute Hang on a second That shouldn't just be people on the hill What are you doing here anyway We Are Your new supervisors. Are you doing a really top-notch job, mate?

We are, you know, mystery, you know, when your boss... Undercover boss? Undercover boss. Secret shopper? Yeah, we're like mystery shoppers, but for employees. Whoa, see, the problem, can I come closer so I'm not yelling? Yeah, no, go ahead. It scurries forward and you can see now that this is a figure of the lowest choir of demons.

This is a imp. You see, the problem with that is, the problem with that is, when you do do mystery shopping, they're not allowed to say it. They're not allowed to say the mystery shopping. Sorry, we actually said it quite a bit different. Why do you smell like that? Well, you guys smell funny. What is that smell?

Smoke weed. What is that? You what? I'm starting... Well, it starts sniffing you. It gets really close to you, Logan. It starts smelling you. Hold on just one bloody second.

You guys are alive. You guys are alive. Oh, yeah. No, that's just the new weed we've been smoking. A live flavour. No, it does... I know that smell. It smells a lot like weed, but there's a difference.

I think this character should ask Alex more questions about weed. Yeah, and I'm the ideal person to punk her with this. What are you doing, by the way, Bobby and Friso? I think Friso's being like, look, man, I don't know. So you reveal yourself? He starts And notices A person perfectly hidden

In front of a dead tree No no no Freezer's like Trying to talk to Bobby He's like look I'm sorry okay I didn't I didn't want to

Swear to kill you Okay But it just happened And you And in many ways You'd already died So maybe it's a freebie I don't know

I was back By that point I was back by that point I I was back by that point. I don't think I knew that. I think you... Fuck you. Okay, that's enough of that. So meanwhile...

Maybe I smell you. What do you think? Oh, you're alive. You smell like Luna Park. You're alive. This guy's alive. No, no, no. The other day, the wretched soul starts to look up concern.

No, no, no. I'm not alive. to look up concern. No, no, no. I'm not alive. Shut up. You know who I am. All right. We've got a procedure for this. Let me just see. And he takes out his like...

Unctuous clipboard? Yeah. And starts rifling through it. God, I'm having an alive person here. While he's looking down, I bonk him on the head. All right. Make an attack. With my maw.

Opposed by your dexterity. That is a... That's a 21. Damage. 10. That's enough to hurt him, but... Jesus! He's not going to die.

I'll just do it again. Hey, did you just... You do get two attacks. Thank you very much. Okay, that definitely hits. That's a... That's a 25. 25, thank you, my friend.

And that's an 11. He turns and looks at you like, did you just bonk? And then he just collapses slowly in on himself, his whip falling to the ground and faints at your feet. Wonderful. Is this how you deal with most antagonists? Absolutely. You on board or you want to run?

No, I actually love it. All right, let's tie him up before he wakes up. Is he dead? Again, there is a recession about 30 damned souls that are just standing with plates on their heads looking at you now. Ooh, weekend at hell, Bernies. No, no, we've done weekend at Bernies already this season. Can I take his book?

Yeah, you can take his whip and his hooks. His whip and his... He's got a weird... And I want to read his clipboard. Like, what is the procedure for dealing with people like us? You can take that. He's also dressed, as you investigate the corpse, he's dressed in a weird sort of harness of leather and chains and hooks

and, like, flayed flesh and it's very kind of... Why are you asking us to take his clothes off the corpse? No, I'm not. I'm not. I didn't say take them off. No, I was just strip the body down. Would they fit any... Is he about the same size as Bobby? Bobby. He's about the same size as Bobby.

Strange and sadistic and weirdly exhibitionistic. And yeah, it's very kind of dark, weird, sort of saddest hell gear that he's wearing. Ready to get your bubus belly out? Can I go up to the... So Bobby and Frieza can come out now. Yeah, but also now that you've taken his clothes off, you can see that on his wrist there is a tattoo of a kind... And make it for me an intelligence check.

Friso or Logan, you're two spellcasters. That's a one, baby. I don't know shit. What the heck's that? Oh, shit. What's 20? I got a 20. Logan, it's a profane sign that you recognise as a spellcaster. A renunciation of not just all gods, but all people. Ooh, this guy had no friends.

It's tattooed on his wrist. Interesting. Is he alive or dead? He's just snoring happily. If anything, you knocked him out, but he has a smile on his face. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Are there the names of any demons on this clipboard? Great question.

No, no, of course, demons would never give their names away. But there are instructions that he is to bring his procession of the damned and the illicit snacks that they have provided to the Garden of Immoral Delights in the Iron City. What are they, like, really flaming hot Doritos? Go have a look, if you want. What's on the snack table, Dave? So the procession, they all have these heavy iron,

and they don't seem, they moan a little bit, but they don't seem to complain as you walk up and investigate their platters. Can I talk to one who looks the chattiest? Okay. I go, uh... Greetings. It's 11! No, they don't say that. They don't say that.

Like a pelican in the Flintstones. They say, yes? What's your name? I'm not telling you that. Don't be so stupid. Why would I tell you that? Are you dead or alive? We are all dead here, madam

Oh wait Are you being emo or are you Is that Except for No Is he being emo or French? So you're dead Do we recognise him?

No, no, no, no You do not recognise him He's an emaciated figure of an old elf What happened to you Where did you live And what happened to you since then? Well, I do not really remember. I know that I am dead.

I know that I got here on the train of souls. And I know that I am pretty good at this, holding things on my head. Are you happy? This is not a concept with which I engage. Do you recognise this landscape? Yes, this is the, I say, it's hell. This is the, he says, the second circle of hell.

Dis, the iron city. Second of the nine circles. Yeah, he says that. This isn't hell. This is Faerun. So if you remember, the nine known worlds oh shit he talked about it being dropped there is nine there there are the nine circles concentric circles leading down forever that creates the circles of hell you freezer correct have traveled to the first

circle of venice this is the second circle of hell dis the iron city city, a foul shadow, a simulacrum of the city of brass, another one of the plains. This is a land of smoke and acid rain. So we're not back in Faerun? It seems not. So when we said it was like Ravenloft was dropped from a great height, is it possible that it got dropped into hell? I don't know who I'm asking this to. All I can tell you, lady, is that you are not in Faroon anymore.

What's that a reference to? What? What's that a reference to? You said it like it was a... You said it sort of annoying. It's a reference to The Wizard of Oz, which we have in hell. What other videos do you have in hell? It is that one. They labour for 364 days, and on the 365th day,

they get a day off where they go into a small room and they get to watch a VHS of The Wizard of Oz, 400 in the room, and it's on a small VHS on a TV. But we have to do that thing where you play Pink Floyd and it kind of matches up. Is it your favourite film? It's the only film. It is the only film. Do you want to know something fucking crazy about that film?

Go on. You know the Cowardly Lion? Yes. You know the costume? Yes. You know to make that, they sent some people to Africa and they killed like 24 actual lions. Wow. And then they brought that back and sewed a costume out of it.

That seems wasteful. And that's what the guy – yeah. Wow. And the guy who played the character, he was in like lion skin, so it was really awful and hot. Wow. That's bad for him. And bad – yeah.

And bad for the lions. And bad for the lions. Did you know that the Tin Man got poisoning from the pants? We're not doing this. No, I'm sorry. I'm putting my foot down? We're not doing this. No, I'm sorry. I'm putting my foot down. We're not... Where is the worst place that you hate the most as a demon?

In hell. Where's the place you don't like to be in hell? The Iron City, I suppose. So we could maybe go there, to Iron City, and maybe if a demon hates that, we won't love it. Who is in charge here? Good thinking, my friend. Do you mean the person who you bonked on their head twice no no no who's in who lives at the very top of that

tower uh the iron city who's the head honcho who's the big cheese the bigger cheese the head honcho it's at the bottom it's at the bottom is it i don't think it is. What are you looking at? It's here. It's here. Oh, God, no. It was at the top. One second, please. Who are you talking to? I am consulting my memory. And as you look at him, you see a figure thinking as hard as he can.

His strange... Scrolling on an iPad at the moment. Is that what he tells anything? Wretched forehead as he prepares to tell you about his master, the Lord of the Forbidden City, Lord of the Second, the greatly old father, 800 years long may he reign successor to... Yeah, you got him? No.

It is, I want to tell you something very specific Is it a fact about the Wizard of Oz? Yes Did you know It is Pater Terror What? Pater Terror Pater Terror?

Pater Terror Could I be any clearer? You could be so much clearer Is there anyone here who's not French? Oh, yes. Who's in charge here? I am from Belgium. Next, next.

Who else we got here? We find another one of the Lost Souls whose voice is just Ben Jenkins. Ben Jenkins, the Australian comedian. He did some stuff on the checkout. Yeah, which sent me to hell, apparently. We did Hing in season two. This is where Ben ends up. What's Ben got on his head?

He's got a platter full of illicit snacks. This is torture for me because I can't reach any of them. It's beautiful. Gobstoppers. Some of them are really rare too. All of Ben's favourite snacks. And runts and chocolate bullets and I can't even... And it sucks for me, Ben Jenkins. Ben Jenkins.

Yeah, mate. I've got a question for you. What do you call it when there's like a word that has... Wait. One sound but two meanings? Oh, no, I can't remember. That's my fault. Ben Jenkins.

Phil. Yeah, no, I used to do a podcast about you. Oh, fuck. Where are my royalties? Now, be careful because Ben is obviously an important figure on Twitter because he has a lot of Twitter followers, but many of them are fake. Yeah, I used to do a podcast about you and I actually remember this scene. Oh, cool.

Then tell me what information I find out in this scene. Yeah, in this scene you find out that the head of this circle of hell, the one that Hing raised, sorry, is the one that Hing raised. He's the demon. So raised in which sense of the term? Oh, well yeah, because

they mean the same, don't they? The opposite. There's no word for it in the English language. No, not in hell. No, there's not. But yeah, he's a gorilla. He started as a gorilla. He once was a gorilla and he's now a pit fiend. Yeah, he's now a pit fiend He started as a gorillan. He once was a gorillan. He's now a pit fiend. Yeah, he's now a pit fiend.

A pit fiend. This is Peter. He loves the pit. He's a fiend for it. He runs the whole Iron City. Anything that he wants, he gets. And what was his name? Do you know his name?

They call him Peter Terror. Peter Terror, the Jira father, the gorillan. P-A-T-A-T. Peter, as in father. I mean, I don't know if that's his real name. I'm just happy to help, though, guys. I've got some internal torment to get through. Do you want to do a podcast this weekend?

Oh, I can't because I've been damned to hell already. I just thought we had a vibe. You know? I came to hell doing too many podcasts. The second circle. Dante explained the second circle of hell is for podcasters. Oh, so is this not, are you the only podcaster here? No, they're all, every lost soul you find in Dis is a podcaster.

The McElroy brothers are toiling away at the top of the line. Alexi and Cam are somewhere around here. They know what they did. Weirdly, Joe Rogan is nearby just suffering a thousand torments. I don't think that's that weird. But Terry Gross, the poor woman. I started in radio. Ben Jenkins, thanks so

much. Nah, it's all good. Do you guys want to, I'd love to see anybody enjoy a runt or a... Yeah, no, I'll have one. Wait, hang on, no, don't eat one. I'm going to eat one. Cursed food. Are you going to have a runt? A forbidden runt? Can I tempt you for a forbidden runt? I'll have a

forbidden runt. They look so shiny. Do you want to take one? Yeah, I want to taste that corn syrup. You want you for a forbidden runt? I'll have a forbidden runt. They look so shiny. Do you want to take one? Yeah, I want to taste that corn syrup. You want to have a forbidden runt, all right. Yeah, me one runt, Dave. Okay, you get a blessing, which means that you have plus one to every ability for the next hour.

Oh, I forgot why hell rules. Everything's a dip in the bag. An hour, I forgot why hell rules. Everything's a dip in the bag. An hour. I get an extra point. For the next 60 minutes, any dice roll you make, you can add one to it. Do I roll the dice? Can I do a history check to find out how Ben died?

Yeah, go for it. Why don't we ask him? No, I've got to do my roll. Oh, okay. I got a 16. Well, that means you've learned the truth about how Ben died and was sent to hell to suffer torment for a thousand years in the city of death. Yeah. Well, guys, basically my dick exploded.

Do you want to know why? Is it because he rapped a microphone chord too many times around it? I rapped... There I was, recording this episode of The Dragon Friends. Hang on, hang on. Just before you... I remember it very vividly. Yeah.

Because we were doing an episode set in hell. And you... Underneath the table, you got your dick out. No, no. I just accidentally started, I fell back on my chair because I was sort of leaning back on it. I started struggling myself. Show us what you're doing. Let me just demonstrate.

I was acting out this character who was demonstrating how he died. Yeah, right. Come on, tempt fate a little bit more. Anyway, then my dick just exploded. It's called Exploded Dick-itis and it's instantly fatal. Yeah, but my friends lied to my wife and son and said that I died in 9-11.

You hear it groan. You hear it groan. You hear it groan and the figure of the imp is starting to stir. You have a second still to tie him up if you want. We've got to slit his throat, unfortunately, don't we? We've got to slit his throat, Al, don't we? You have a second to tie him up or slit his throat. We've got to slit his throat.

I mean, he's in hell. He's just doing his job. Dave, he's not. You're taking dice out of my literal hands right now. Are you going to slit his throat? Do you want to do it? I don't want to. I'll do it then. It's fine. I will attack him

with my... Logan? Bobby? Are we not? I'll slit his throat. Go down with my sword. Bobby's going for it, I guess. That's a 15. He he's well dead, congratulations Okay And with him, a thousand plot hooks die So

Now you have a procession of the damned And his, like I said, his corpse Wrapped in his weird fetishistic uniform His tattoo But it's Bobby's size, so Bobby can put it on Do you want to dress up and be a demon? Sure, but I'm putting it over my clothes. You're putting it over your clothes?

Wait, so it's like with straps and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to take all my clothes off and put the straps on. Don't you think that people will think that that is a weird mix of confidence and lack of confidence? I think you've got to... Well, at least I'm used to that. I think you've got to go full fetish gear. Sorry.

I mean, he's an expert. He's been there. Does it smell? No, it's been baby powdered. Actually, if it smells, it would be good because it needs to mask our lives. But the hooks go in the skin. Well, no, I'm not doing that. Okay.

I guess we killed him for no reason then. You're the one who wanted to kill him. You wear the fucking clothes. It won't fit me. I'm too old. No, you... If you... If it's a bunch of straps and belts,

you just loosen the belt. Your... If you make, for me, a dexterity check and succeed, it will fit you. Grease you up. Okay. Ooh, that's a...

No, nine. Probably not good enough. Nine plus. No, seven plus two is nine. Math's nine. Okay. Ooh, that's a nine. Probably not good enough. Nine plus. Seven plus two is nine. Math's nine. Okay, it won't look great, but you can put it on. Okay. Dave, it seems like you want Michael to wear this.

No, why? Just for a little bit. Just for me. Wait, what? No, I'll wear the... It's your birthday. by what I'll wear no I'll wear them

it's your birthday I put up with a lot of shit in this show and I get alright congratulations you wear the humiliating outfit

humiliating well cool I mean really I don't know how you feel about it let's just wait for the fan art to roll in

yeah so just I want it to be I mean I don't know how much control we get to build this world. Pitch it now to the fan artists. I would like it to be, I guess, like, tasteful, leathery. I think, like,

I guess it shows off a chest, I guess, right? Yeah. And probably covers all the appropriate bits. So no dick and arse, please. Do you have, like, a little hat, like a leather hat? Oh, what do they call the mask? Like a mask with a zip?

A zip mask? Yeah. Is there a mask with a zip? Yeah. All right, great. All right, sure. There's a mask and there's a zip over your mouth? Yeah, cool.

All right. Yeah, that's fun. All right, great. So you zip the mask open so you can talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, what do we think? Pretty good. All right, so. So you zip the mask open so you can talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, what do we think? Pretty good? All right, so you wear it.

And as I said, so he's now naked in front of you. He's a little weird tattooed corpse. Very dead. Okay. And Ben Jenkins is looking at him sorrowfully. Yeah, I remember this bit. Okay, well, Ben, what do we need to do? Yeah, Ben, did we wrap?

How many minutes of the podcast did we have left when we got to this point? Not many. All right. So we kind of probably want to aim towards a dramatic denouement. Okay, Ben, do you want to fight? This is the boss battle of this. I mean, he's pitiful and defenceless.

This is Ben's last half-life in hell. So you could kill him, but you will achieve nothing. I cast, what's the one, like, Bark armour? Yeah. I do that on Ben, so he's got some sort of defence. Bark skin. This is fun. Okay.

Do you want to go? I mean, not... I mean, well, actually... Because if you want to go? I mean, not... I mean... Well, actually... Because if you die in the second circle of hell, doesn't the pattern... That's dunzo malunzo. But if I kill somebody in hell,

I think I go up a rank or two. Damn. Okay. That's true. That's the way hell works. Why don't you kill this guy? I could work up to foreman of the dick sack factory or something.

I don't know. No, no, no, we don't need to fight. Why don't you just take us to Pater Terror. Well, he told you that he was at

the Iron City. He arrived on the Can you take us to the Iron City, Ben? I mean, I can take you pretty close to it. Yeah, alright. It's where the train

arrives. Great, well, let's go there, shall we? Yeah. Do you want to go visit Pater Terror, Lord of the Second Archfiend of the Circle of Dece?

Otherwise, we're just going to suffocate here and die. You understand that, yes, you will, that is true, but you understand that over the last 800 years, probably what has happened is that the devil that you summoned did not care about and then abused and ignored and ran away from as rise meretriciously through the ranks of the choirs of the Bartizu and has now taken over what it seems like one of the nine circles. And you want to go see him?

I mean, I guess, yeah, probably, Dave. Do you have a, would you have a plan when you get there? Not usually. No. We could, like, I don't know. I mean, would Freezo know that this guy probably hates you? Probably not, I don't think. Oh, no, because Robbie would have said it in the dream,

but you don't know that. No, but I think Freezo's probably just got to pretend like everything's fine to his friends. And like a man stuck in a lie, spiralling out of control, Friso decides to go and visit his associate, Terry, a.k.a. Pato Terra, Lord of the Second, a.k.a. the Jira Father, a.k.a. the Gorillan who once and was, the Gorillan who rose to the greatest power

at all in the Iron City, the Forbidden City, the Second City and the Second Circle of the Nine Known Worlds, to visit him for a plan that he has that doubtless will come to fruition to great joy and success of the dragon friends, a vision of a mission long since planned for when Friso arrives

in the court of the Lord of the Second, he will stand proud and tall in front of his maker, his progenitor, the one that has brought him here and with a loud, clear voice he will say... We don't have to go see him specifically.

We could just go to the city I guess and see what's up you know tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends thank you the cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty, Dave Harmon is our dungeon master with NPC voices provided

by Ben Jenkins and special live guest accompaniment by nick harriot shakira khan is our producer the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me hugh guest and new episodes are recorded live every month at the comedy store in sydney on gadigal land in the uran nation this week's episode was made possible by contributors to the dragon friends patreon who get early access to ad-free episodes as well as exclusive content every other week. Until next time! And try again And if you go back And kill your friends

You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back Do you know that hat is Nora Jones' dad? No, it's a hat. No. What? Get fucked.

Alex, what do you think Ben, what link do you think Ben made in his mind there? No, Nora Jones' dad's name kind of sounds like that. How do you think, Ben? What link do you think Ben made in his mind there? No, Nora Jones' dad's name kind of sounds like that. How do you know? Is it Ravi Shankar? Yes, correct. Is Nora Jones Ravi Shankar's daughter? 100%, unless I made that up just now.

One of the... An important rule in comedy is don't doubt yourself. If you come up with a joke, you just have to say it. This might be the meanest thing I've said. He's got Nora Jones' dad wrapped around his arms. Robbie Shanker!