Dragon Friends - #8.17. Wait, Who Dis

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

The Dragon Friends came so close to their final destination, but have faced a final, deadly hurdle. Can they guile their way back home from the literal depths of hell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If I seem frantic, if I'm bumping into my Dungeon Master's screen, if everything seems a bit wrong, I just got off a plane, I just came back from Italy with Shaq, we had a wonderful time, I'm a little jet-lagged, and every now and then I think I'm going to pass out. So if I tap out, I'm okay, and it's probably how I want it to go. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry Don't worry

Cos that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds You can always go back

It has been a long, dark journey through time for the dragon friends. Travelling via chronomancy through 1,000 years of ruin, discord and despair from an ancient past you wanted nothing to do with to a future you once called home. Your time machine has wound down. The cold cell engine sleeps. You are back in time to where it all began. Somewhere out there is a little old tavern called the Dragonback Inn. And if you can just find the means and the power within you, you can make it those last few steps back to where it started.

The time is right, but you are not, as the sages once said, in Kansas anymore. While you slept, a powerful demon known as Pater Terra has moved heavens and earth to bring your slumbering bodies down, down, down to dis the Iron City and second circle of hell. He has done this for reasons that seem completely mysterious to all, except probably you, Friso.

Oh, yeah. But hell is no place for the living, and since arrival, your bodies have started to succumb. However, it is not all bad. You've spied an approach to the city itself. You've killed an impling taskmaster and stolen his leathers, leathers that are now worn by Friso. Oh, yes.

And finally, you have met one more lost and damned soul who has promised to take you to the city. An Australian podcaster named Ben Jenkins, who is also a long way from home. You know, last episode when Friso put on all the sort of leather wear and whatnot,

and we said, wouldn't it be funny if people sent in like sort of fan art of him all gimped up? And we thought it'd be a real fun joke if we did that. And everyone sent me a lot of pictures of sort of my face in leather, but with my animated penis showing or whatever and we all thought that'd be a good laugh. Well it turns out it was quite upsetting. Yeah, if you could stop sending obscene photography

to him at this point. Because it wasn't so much upsetting for me to see but my brain is so stupid that I was like, without context, showing it to people being like, look it's one of my fans made this. Oh, what did Hum think? Yeah.

What did Hum think? She made it. Well, we're not engaged anymore. Yeah, so you're dressed in the kind of profane leathers of the impling batazu, the imps and demons that run this chorus, this second circle of hell. And Ben Jenkins, you were a sort of food slave.

You have a trade. Yeah, I had a very fitting punishment. I had a huge plate of treats on my head, all the nummiest snacks, and I couldn't reach them. Oh, your arms are too short to get the treats. Yeah, it was tantalising, if you will. So I had that happen to me, and nowising, if you will. So I had that happen to me, and now I've joined you guys.

And though you have killed the taskmaster that was sort of preceding him towards the city, he still needs to go, and he's offered to take you if you want. Yes, will you take us to the Iron City, please? I've got nothing else on. That's the emotion of it? I mean, I'm actually a little unclear You're a little unclear On how long and how I've been in hell

We know that I pissed myself to death I think that's canon No your dick exploded Your dick exploded And everybody saw That's a symptom I was about to say That's some heavy incontinence

Yeah well exactly So what I'm hazy on And he says says this to the Dragon Friends, I suppose, in the absence of a sane God to appeal to, is I remember dying, but I don't know why I'm in fantasy hell. Because of your misdeeds, Ben. Yeah, you did fantasy sins, so you go to fantasy hell. I guess that must be it. That's what this podcast is. It's fantasy sins. Yeah, I think this is probably because you did a Sins, so you go to Fantasy Hell. I guess that must be it. That's what this podcast is.

It's Fantasy Sins. Yeah. I think this is probably because you did a lot of close-up magic while you were in high school. Oh, okay. That's it. That makes sense. So, yeah, look, I've got nothing else on.

Well, I've got to go to the city anyway because I've got to deliver these treats to the garden party. What happens if you didn't do that? What do you mean? What if you just sat down and ate all the treats yourself? He took the hat off and ate the treats. He taps an iron collar

that he's got around his neck that has got glyphs marked all the way around it. Have you ever seen the movie Wild Wild West? I have. They definitely won't have seen. Well, I have

and I'm the character. So I can talk about Wild Wild West. Oh, we have. Have we seen Wild Wild West? Me have not seen Wild Wild West. What's the plot of Wild Wild West. Oh, we have... Have we seen Wild Wild West? Me have not seen Wild Wild West. What's the plot of Wild Wild West? Oh, wow.

Well, it's based on an old TV show from the 60s and 70s, but they remade it. Who's in it? Well, in the original, I think it's James Garner and somebody else. What's the more recent one? The more recent one features... Do you know who Will Smith is? Oh, yes. Do you know who Will Smith is? Oh, yes.

Do you know who Sir Kenneth Branagh is? Let me paint a picture for you, stranger. Hello. Imagine Sir Kenneth Branagh, star of the stage, darling of the Royal Shakespeare Company, in a gigantic mechanical spider stomping around. Yes, yes. What relevance is this to your collar situation?

I'm getting to that. In that film, in that self-same film, there's a scene where they wear collars and Kenneth Branagh fires spinny blades at them. But the collars are magnetic, you see. Oh. So the blades chase them and then chop their heads off.

I know we talked about how Ben Jenkins died of pissing his pants and exploding dick. Yeah. Do we think maybe he died of a stroke? Can I ask a potentially ruinous question? Yeah, sure. If I'm me, sure. If I'm me... Yeah.

Do I remember this podcast? And you have my notes from last month, but you don't have my notes from this month. All right, so we go to the Iron City. Yeah, I'm going there anyway, so I'll take it. Because if I don't, if I sit down and eat the snacks... Yeah, that's what I asked for the collar. Yeah, they're going to send the whizzy blades.

From Wild Wild West. From Wild Wild West. Because I told the demon in charge about Wild Wild West. That was your mistake. And he said, that sounds like a bloody great idea and an excellent film. And I said, well... They promoted you. Can't get it in this...

And is that why you're go to the Iron City? Because the pay to terror has requested you perform the entirety of Wild Wild West? That's exactly why, Dave. Well, apparently it is. That's what he said and it's his character, so I guess I don't get a say. Are there any songs in the movie? Wild Wild West, wiki wo, wiki way.

There's an end of credit scene. End of credit song. Oh, okay. How does it go? Well, I guess if we get to the garden party. So the garden party is in a place inside the Iron City called the Garden of Immoral Delights. If you want to enter the city by the nearest gate, you can head down the main street the way of wretches,

following your new friend, and he can take you in. But I will remind you that hing frizo is dressed in a disguise the rest of you are all still very much of the land of the living you are strangers here and you stick out like a sore thumb yeah let me tell you if they work out your humor they're gonna just gobble you up they're gonna go numb numb numb numb uh what about if we put some of those food plates on our heads? Well, I mean, that'll help, but you reek of vitality and life. I've got one.

Put us on the food plates. You can carry us. And because someone will want to gobble us up, we will be food that is for the bigwigs at the garden party. Great idea. We'll be like the sexy sushi ladies. No, no, not the sexy sushi lady. The sexy sushi.

Oh. Alex, did you once go to a party where you ate the sexy sushi lady? Man, you host one fucking TV show and all of a sudden... Yeah, it's a thing. So wait, let me understand. You're going to clear all of the illicit and profane snacks off the tray Yeah, off the top of Ben Jenkins' head We are taking Nerds

Jolly Ranchers Runts Runts Daryl E. Chocolate Boots A lot of musk sticks A lot of unopened packets of musk sticks I think we'd be sitting in a nest of them, to be honest We're not gonna

Yeah, but we should Like, you know how a pig puts an apple in its mouth? No, the pig doesn't do that. Unless it's very well trained. Alex, I see what you've done there. I've known you for a long time and I see what you've done there. You are recalling a scene in The Lion King when Pumbaa puts an apple in his mouth as a distraction.

Lion King when Pumbaa puts an apple in his mouth as a distraction. The line between Lion King and reality is blurry. So we should put like a whole bunch of runts or nerds in our mouths so we look like a delicious tree.

This is such a good idea. I just have some quick questions what do you want what was yours well I have I have a couple you are enormous you are gigantic

you know what man and if I remember correctly from the podcast you have a huge dick you I can do I have a huge dick too I'm dead so I'm already

in the gimple so you're going so you're going to carry a halfling a seven foot half no get the French guy to carry me. Like, there were other people in this procession. They've all scattered.

They've all gone on. They're heading towards the Iron City because they're wearing the same collars. And you, you're a sort of ten foot, eight foot, nine foot... I'm a big fella. Thank you, yeah. Alright, who are the guests at this party of immoral delights? Who could we pose as? Oh, well, I mean, it's all the big demons.

You know what I mean? So it's the big one. You know, it's Terra Nullius. What the fuck's his name? Part of Terra. Pater Terra. Pater Terra. Ben Jenkins would know if he'd read my notes last month.

But this is the thing. I know what I know, Dave. This can't be inaccurate. Pater Terra. Pater Terra, the big guy. Thing, I know what I know, Dave. This can't be inaccurate. Peter Terror. Peter Terror, the big guy. He'll be there because he's hosting the party. Who else? Jimmy the Demon.

Yep. Demon Paul. You guys know Demon Paul? Demon, sorry, his first name's Demon and his last name's Paul? Yep. It's a bit of a tautology if he's already a demon. Yeah, well, it was actually really lucky he became a demon

because before that everyone was like, Demon Paul, is that what? Yeah, but now it makes sense. Nobody bats an eye. It's pronounced Damien. Damien Paul. And then, of course, he goes on to say... Jimmy Threehorns?

And then, of course, he goes on to say... Jimmy Threehorns. And then, of course, he goes on to say... Mr... Mr... Mr... Salfa. Mr Salfa's there. He stinks real bad. And I just...

Assorted cadre of hangers-on and, you know... The Rock? Is The Rock there? Dwayne Johnson, The Rock? No. He's got a lot of stuff on. He's on the press tour for Black Adam, you idiot. Do you know when I went to hell, Michael,

I decided I'd no longer yes and. Okay. And of course, the guest, should her train arrive in time, the ancient mistress of diss, he says, of whom this whole party is for. Wait, who Dis? Oh, boy. She's the engine mistress.

She runs the train. You guys know about the train, right? What's the train? Oh, we're doing Snowpiercer? As you go, he's walking you towards the city and towards the gates and down the way of wretches. And as he indicates, he points to a giant building covered in old rusted iron and brilliant sheets of what looks like crystal now heavy with smoke and ash and train lines in old

iron stamped down the side of the way of the way of wretches with faded lettering that says the terminal grand yeah so that that's that's the terminal grand. Yeah, so that's the terminal grand there. This used to be the River Sticks, but that dried up some time ago. And to ferry the bodies, you guys, if I'm moving too fast, you let me know. I was just going to ask you, if the River Sticks has dried up, what's Sharon doing?

The boatman? The boatman, yeah. He got a job at the post office. Does he still take one of the coins? Yeah, but he does it with stamps So there's now a train that ferries the souls back and forth Takes a trip once a year And that'll take us into the city or back home if we want to go?

Oh, nobody gets on the train to go back home Why not? Because it's hell, you dumb shithead What do you mean? So you're not allowed to? on the train to go back home. Why not? Because it's hell, you dumb shithead. What do you mean? So you're not allowed to? Yeah, you're not allowed to leave hell. But physically we could

if we killed everyone Am I the first person you've spoken to in hell? I think there were... I can't remember... Yeah, probably. You travelled in hell for years. Oh yeah,

but that was a different campaign day. No, you... Leaving hell is very much discouraged. In fact, they don't let you do it. But if we killed everyone here... Everyone in hell.

We could get on the train and choo-choo back home. Well, I mean, the engine mistress and her sort of engineers have to ride the train back to the surface to get more souls, but... Oh, I see. We need to get a job on that train. Yeah. I could be Thomas the Tank Engine. Okay, but listen.

Sorry, you want to be the train? Yeah, everybody get on board. Suddenly the dragon friends feel a rumbling. Dust billowing up in the distance. There is an almighty whoosh of hot, dark air. The train of souls eases into the station. There is a pneumatic hiss of dark steam and then huge

bolt iron doors. Is dark steam smoke? Open on each of eight of the carriages and out stream small, tiny little figures, about four feet, each of them in cowled brown robes, stream out of the sides of

the train ushering out a parade of the damned looking confused unsure and scared as more imps come out and you as you watch from a distance they start harrying them with pokers spears and other implements of pain and just ferrying them into the city as the figure of Ben Jenkins turns white and indicates for you all to keep your distance. Keep your distance. If what I'm doing with my hand isn't showing you, I'm telling you, keep your distance. From what? From the souls?

Yeah. Why? Because they're real fucking nasty things. And you guys aren't dead yet. And then when you die, you won't even get a train ride out of it because you'll already be here. Oh.

He explains the idea of the Wild Wild West got him promoted to a trade. This is not the level of work that you start out at. How long has Ben Jenkins been there for? I guess a month. Yeah, I mean, I guess if we're

doing this in real time, yeah, I've been here a month. So how can we get inside the city then? Yeah, I mean, I guess if we're doing this in real time, yeah, I've been here a month. Ooh. So how can we get inside the city then? Oh, that I can help you with. Oh, we'll do that then. All right, so you're using your plan before. You're going to climb up onto this tray and he's going to carry three different figures of varying weight.

I can help because I'm in gimp costume. Yeah, I've got a spare tray. That's a sentence that you don't hear very often, Michael. Or I guess what we could do is we could pretend like we've got some new animals for the zoo. You know? You know how in these fantasy things they often have like... No, that can work, but we've got to work out a story of how we got living people down here. Oh, we're like the freak show?

Freak show at the circus. Because I tell you, you don't see a lot of alive people. It's not impossible. We've got to work out our cover story as to how we, you and me, procured these living beings. Oh, well, we went up to Faerun and got them.

Can we workshop this a little longer? Because I think that's going to get you devoured. Okay, what about we found a dead body and we put a soul in it? You found a dead body and you put a soul in it? We found three dead bodies. We put three random souls in there. So you're no longer Bobby. You're now...

Yeah? You are Professor McStuff. Oh, great. And you're not Logan the Huge. You're Tom Carney. That sounds like an awful life. But they don't know

who we are in the first place. So why do we have to be in disguise? I remember this from my time working with this is going to sound weird, but Friso, you were sort of, I guess, animated and voiced by a really stupid man named Michael Hing. And one thing that he'd always do was add an extra step. Well, here's the thing.

I can imagine him feeling like he needs to, to justify. Like, for example, you're just like, oh, the trains are magic. He's like, no, no, no. It's probably an LED screen that has like an AI imported into it. And that's why the train has a face. Oh, look at that. The glyphs on your neck are beeping, and the beeping is getting faster.

All right, guys, listen. That means the Wild Wild West blades are about to be leased. Loosed? Released. You. I need to get to work. I told a little fib before I am just kind of in catering

Working up to, you know Oh But I really do need to get to this garden party Word to the wise You can get by if you just don't draw attention to yourselves Right, we won't He's walked up at this point to a large vaulted Sort of wall

that is built into the side of the way of wretches and there's a kind of palace on the other side. He opens up a door and you can see, unmistakably, what looks like a kind of servant's catering area and another cross-looking demon, I suppose, in like a chef's outfit, is sort of scowling, pointing at his watch. Yeah, saying...

And you scurry in. Saying, where were you? We've got run orders up the wazoo! Is he? Yep. That's what he says. That's a pity. Was that that guy?

No, I don't know. And you scurry inside. And if you guys are... All right, well, okay. So, Bobby, your food... There's a doorway, by the way, you can see that's into the party proper. But he's gone through a side door, which he's going through right now. Let's just go into the party.

Let's see what happens. I'll cast Disguise Self on myself. Alright, what are you going to disguise yourself as? As a gorilla. Oh, okay, cool. A gorilla, a four-armed gorilla demon. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great. I can also change My shape into a beast I've seen in the last day Yes but only beasts That you've seen Are not fiends Well have I seen this beast? This is a fiend

So it would have to be A kind of animal A creature Now just remind me What kind of beast Maybe have I seen In the last day Sorry it's a little dragon

Of course Oh so it's going to be Two sneaky little dragons Yeah okay Can I be a dragon? Is that a beast? I'll let you be I'll let you be a dragon

if you want to, yeah. So now you're two dragons. Thanks, Dave. Because you have a little silver drake and now you're another little... So is that dragon sitting on my shoulder?

If you like. But you're also a small drake because that's what you've seen at Wormley. Yeah, that's right. So you're two little drakes which I don't know how that helps but congratulations.

And that's still however leaves Filch. Apple in the mouth. Go for it. Oh you know I'm gonna I'm gonna be the sushi lady. I'm going back I'm gonna be the plate that the food is on. Filch scoops a handful of runts nerds and assorted candy bars a twix goes wild as she clambers gracefully up onto the tray being held by one Ben Jenkins. Didn't I scurry in? You were going in and at the last minute you go, I dived.

Crash dives past and you hear the sound of what is unmistakably Ben Jenkins falling over and the door closes and locks. Have I had any time to get huge in hell? No, no. Do you think you could carry a seven foot hardcore? I think if I had like time. But don't you have like demon powers or like dead powers if you huge in hell? No, no. Do you think you could carry a seven-foot hardcore? Well, I think if I had, like, time. But don't you have, like, demon powers or, like, dead powers if you're in hell? Dead powers?

You have, like, powers to do the thing that you need to do. If you're, like, sort of ensorcelled to be a catering guy, they give you the wherewithal to cater. Well, I mean, possibly. The fact of the matter is you hear a scattering, you hear what sounds like a clattering of an entire table of dishes falling over, and the door closes with a click. Now, the main doors are still to the side into this palace

for the three of you that are on the outside, if you want. Let's go in. Let's go into the party. Hey, Bobby, can I sit on your shoulder? Yeah, sure. So I've got a dragon on each shoulder. You have a dragon on each shoulder, yeah. Nice.

There's a little doorman demon. Doorman. Door demon. Yeah, what's it to you, pal? Oh, I'm sorry. I am the Gimp Man. And I'd like to go into the party now, please. No, I can see that.

I see by your letters that you're not here to... I'm sorry. I didn't understand how ranked you were. Ranked, ranked. You know what I mean. I didn't understand. Right this way. Well, no, no, ranked. You know what I mean. Didn't understand. Right this way. Well, no, no, no.

He doesn't have an invitation? No, but he's so like, whoa. Okay. Yeah, Dave. No, I don't. I'm all leathered up except for my chongas. I don't know what you've done to Ben to let him get that permissive, but if you want to try to convince him, try to convince him.

You can't. No, don't just roll. You can't say, I'm the gimp man. I'm here for the party. That's an intimidation roll, I guess, or a charisma check. You have to tell me what you're doing. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just, I get a little nervous at these things, you know, glad-handing, pressing the flesh.

It's always an opportunity, but I do need to understand who you are before I let you in. I'm the, I am Peter Terrors. Peter Terrors. Peter, pardon. Peter Terrors. I? Peter Terrors. Peter Terrors. Peter. Peter Terrors. I am Peter Terrors, Chief Gimp, here in hell. You're... You're...

You're Demon Paul? Yeah, I'm Demon Paul. You're the Demon Paul? It's pronounced Damien, yes. Make for me... Make... Make for me a deception check. Deception.

What do I need to beat? Do you need to beat DC 15? Eight plus deception is 10. 18, Dave. I'm so deceptive. All right, Demon Paul. See, I didn't know that. I thought it was...

My apologies. My apologies. Well, thank you. Now... Doesn't, of course, explain why you're travelling with what seems to be a gorilla with two silver... May I ask for the credentials of the rest of your party? No, you may not.

Well, I do need to. Otherwise, boy, will I be in trouble. Well, you'll be in trouble for me if you do ask for them. May I put this... May I put this delicately? You seem like a very senior gimp. Thank you. But even the most senior gimp

is still a gimp. Oh, sorry, we can't all be doormen. What? Well, my name, if you must know, is Phileas Terror.

That's a very interesting name for a giant angry gorilla demon. Yes, I am the son of Pater Terror. Yeah, from the Hell Terrors. You might know my dad is kind of a big deal around here. He bought me these two silver dragons. Don't you know? That's right. His gib is hanging out with his son.

That's how it is. Okay? And it's not weird. So stop thinking it's weird. This gimp is in loco parentis. Son, I want you to come to my party. Take the family gimp. Oh, my God.

Dad, can I take your private gimp? No, take the family gift. That's what we do it for you. That's what we pay him for. Alright, fuck it, fine. Really? Not even going to make him touch dice? No, I just want to move on. Alright, well, wow.

I was not aware that that was a thing that was happening. May I introduce myself? May I do that? All right. Why doesn't he have to do a charisma check to introduce himself to us? Well, do you want to persuade? Yeah, persuade me. Dave, I got a phone.

No, you may not. But before I go, may I, I suppose you can come in, but may I introduce myself? I'm actually something of a, and the dragon friends walk in. You know, you could, and he's got little business cards in his hand that nobody's taking. Alright, you make yourself, you make your way in and you can see now that there are more figures passing. There are indeed

a lot of demons and not just the imps and the leathers that you saw before. There are chain demons, tall and imperious passing through. Even an ice demon you see in the distance. This is a diplomatic coterie of sort of different levels of hell, the sort of splendor of the aristocracy here. There is a giant pagoda at the back, and there is a cluster of demons around it,

and passing through are more of these lost souls with trays on their heads. One, in fact, you can see the distance. Already groaning under the weight is Ben Jenkins with Filch, who is at this moment... Has an apple and has sort of draped nerds all around her. And everyone's just giving the tray a wide berth. Really? I thought it would be a delicacy. Yeah.

They don't want to eat ruts out of my crevices. Some people are like, what is that tantalising smell? But they can't quite place it. Yeah. It's all very sort of strange. Everybody's confused. Maybe they'll try later on. What would Phil do if someone came and tried to eat nerds off her, though? I think that's what she's here for.

Has she forgotten? That's not what she's here for. You're trying to get home. I mean, it's true. Garmin have people eat nerds off me. That's their disguise. Okay, all right. And, you know, if there's something in it for Filch,

then, you know, it is what it is. Great. So it seems that you've made your way past the doorman, who even now is trying to pass a business card to a very sweaty imp. The rest of you are inside. So there's the pagoda, there's the snacks, Filch is at the back. What do you want to do? I'm going to find Mr. Groove.

Oh, let's go find the train driver and get on that fucking train back home. All right. This is Friso yelling at the nerds as he's eating them off Filch. We're going to go find the train driver. driver and get on that fucking train back home all right this is this is free so yelling at the nerds is eating them off so Phil's is able to slip off the tray and Ben Jenkins has to keep circulating I think yeah the beeps the beeping is sort of getting more and more frantic and he's getting a little bit more nervous eyed so the rest of you are together and you're going to go and try

and find the train driver, the engine mistress. Alright, well, what do you want to do? Check out the pagoda? Yeah. Pagoda? Pagoda? Let's go to her. Alright, there's a big cluster of demons here, so how... Don't make that face at me, Ben. You sort of sneak your way... Mr. Sody.

You sort of sneak your way to the back of a crowd of demons, and although you are all worried that you will be found out, none of you, it seems, are under any scrutiny at all because all of the demons have their eyes on the pagoda and the sheets part as you arrive and out pours from the inside of the pagoda a giant, what was once the gorilla that you recognise, Friso,

from your spells, but has now sprouted huge black wings, has taken another three feet of height, and has a ring of powerful spikes all around his head. This is Pater Terra, the second lord of, tell the lord of the second, the Jira father, he who controls this land. And he roars and beats his chest as everybody goes silent. And he breaks into a huge smile and starts to clap.

Yes, a little self-applause for myself. Welcome. I hope you enjoy my party. Have you tried the nerds? Have you tried the nerds? Have you tried the rants? Do so. And everybody does. Because he's the boss.

Yeah, they'll show up. Do we know what the purpose of the party was? No. Why, when we are gathered like this, it is easy to forget what the purpose of the party is. Does he look at Frieza when he says that? So it would be remiss of me to not remind you of that. We're all here for a laugh

and we're all here to see good friends and to eat hell cake. We're all here for a laugh, and we're all here to see good friends, and to eat our hell cake. As is our want. No, but what's the, why is there a party though? He goes on to say. But this is, what's every earth year? Earth year?

Is that for the benefit of Ben Jenkins up the back? He got in my ear about this. He's the only one. But I'd like to be... Kenneth Branagh. I'd like to be... Am I right, buddy? Kenneth Branagh? Hey, everybody.

Wiki, wiki, wow. He gets it. Anyway. Anyway. Once every Faerunia, we are greeted by the engine mistress as she ferries us a fresh batch

of souls and he indicates to where you can still see these rails steaming as the idling engine of the train of souls sits in the terminal grand ah welcome to our new recruits

who will not be enjoying this party. But if you can hear me over the garden walls, you don't need to be eternally damned to work here, but it helps! No laughs emanate in response. And somewhere up on Earth, Gary Larson goes, hmm, and puts pens in paper. But now, it is my great pleasure and honour of the kind of boss of this circle of hell to welcome our guest of honour, the ancient mistress herself.

There is a hiss as a bulkhead opens in the side of the palace and you hear the whistles of a distant train as steam billows forth and you can see inside that steam a figure of what looks like a woman in a hoop-skirted, looking dress a sword belted on a sort of renaissance style sword belt and a vast powdered wig the silhouette forms as the steam dissipates and you see that the figure is rendered in marble and steel it is an automaton a sort of clockwork woman as she steps forward into the room but her eyes burn with the power of a deep and powerful coal engine as she steps up to the pagoda and takes the hand of Pater Terra. And to play that mistress of hell, the engine mistress herself, the queen of the loco matriarch, please welcome to the stage, Montaigne!

Montaigne! Montaigne! Montaigne! Hello! Ow! Jess just hit herself in the mouth with her microphone. She's never used a microphone before, people. Be kind. First time.

For everything. It would be amazing if it's how you started your Eurovision song. Hello, sweater in the grass. Hey, guys. Thanks for having me. How are you doing?

So you're going to be playing the Engine Mistress. So this is a very powerful demon. Sort of probably about, I would say, almost fourth in command of the entire Iron City of Dis. But she's a robot? Well, this is

she's appearing to you in the form of a robot. Oh, how interesting. A clockwork lady. Now, do you think she was brought to life by Pixie Dust man? Oh my god. Welcome everybody to the party. Slowly melting the gorilla. Sorry, Ben Jenkins

has been playing me a lot of The B-52s. So, Theta Terra takes a step towards her and holds out his hand as the engine mistress takes his hand and allows herself to be escorted up onto the pagoda, passing by all of you. And as you get closer, you can smell the stink of steam and coal coming off from her dress somebody got the guest of honor a cup of oil or some cogs or something what would they like

what what would you like oh oh is that freezer talking yeah i'm offering to get them a drink you just you're just just waltzing up turning yourself into the ritual? What would they like? Do you want a drink or something? I'm sorry, but who are you? I am Demon Paul. Demon Paul himself? Yeah, and I'm offering, if you'd like a drink,

would you like a drink? I'll go to the bar or the oil room. Peter, is this your Demon Paul? What? No, is this your demon Paul? What? No, demon Paul is... Oh, hello, Friso. You're not disguised at all. I'm wearing a gym mask. Did you think because there was one idiot at the front desk

that you had convinced that you were going to fool a demon you've met? I'm wearing a gym mask. How's he going to tell? Oh yeah, it's not like I have any special powers or anything. What special power would you use to recognise me then? Your dick's out, Fraser.

What if Satan himself's special powers is recognise anyone by their genitals? Only you, because it's super weird. Actually, it's not, because I rolled for my dick ages ago and it was basically a 7 out of 10. Whatever. Mistress, this is too delightful.

I have somebody to introduce you to. I'd almost forgotten. Of course it must be that time Of course it's that time You're all awake Yes, some time ago Funny story I'll tell you the proper one sometime

But basically, long story short Numbnuts over here Summons me Then fucks off for 800 years Leaves me to my own devices I grow unfathomably powerful. And then around 600 years ago, do you know what I do? What do you do?

I find where he and his pals are sleeping. I find the castle. I go, I'll be having some of that. And we drag the entire castle down to hell. So when they wake up in 200 years time, who's there? Me! Well, I forgot to be there when they wake up in 200 years time who's there me well I forgot to be there when they woke up but I was busy preparing this enchanting party for you I love it I love the story this is a good story and well told yeah and well told.

The Engine Mistress' coal eyes glow red and then suddenly runes appear and the runes that you recognise through your readings of Arcane Magic, Friezo, as a spell of true sight as she scans the room and then clicks her fingers and points immediately at

the gorillan of Bobby, at the drake on his shoulder of Logan, and at the coquettishly arranged half-orc of Filge as chain demons grab all of you and drag you forward because she's identified that you're all living. Ah-ha! Filge, Logan, Bobby, all the gang's here. You don't know who Logan is.

I must. He was there. He must have been there when he did. The Fred was. No, we met Logan after I summoned you. Well, guess what? I have good researchers. Yeah, he's pulled out a small clip.

And another demon comes by with a clipboard and he grabs it. Ideally, I would have done this when you woke up. I would have gone Field, Friso, Bobby, Logan, and you would have been like, how do they know my name? And I would have been like, oh, indeed. You know because you probably learnt from Ben. Because he was there for that episode. For that episode, he was there, yes.

We had a very interesting chat. Well, we're all here. What do you want with us? Oh, I don't give a shit. What? Yeah, now that you're in hell, you're all here. What do you want with us? Oh, I don't give a shit. What? Yeah, now that you're in hell, you can just die. Do you have any idea how busy I am? I did this like 200 years ago.

But what's your problem? 200 years ago, this felt like something I would care about. Yeah, but now, my God, I've grown so much, you know? Not enough to let you go. Why bother doing this at all? We don't do anything bad to you back when you worked for us. Au contraire, lady nerd woman. Are you still covered in nerds?

Oh yeah, they're sticky. I'm standing up, but they're still stuck all over me. Au contraire, it is your friend Friso here who brought me into being. Who summoned me into this life of torment and agony. Tom, you seem like you've done very well. I'm thriving, but underneath it all... Gosh. Well, I don't... I mean, that's not...

That feels like a you problem. It feels like a me problem that you summoned me from hell? No, no. Well, you're in hell now, so you should be fine. How'd you get back here? You know what? Enjoy the party. Enjoy the last days.

I have a feeling that the air won't agree with you. Bye-bye. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we stop, I've got one more question. Train mistress. What? What are you doing later? How impudent.

I'm doing nothing. You'll never kill us. And so the party is in full swing as Peyton Tara saunters back inside his pagoda. The blankets that form the entrance swing shut and indeed

the air does not agree with you as all of you begin to feel with unease that it sits heavy in your lungs. This corrosive atmosphere is not meant for the likes of you. This is not a land hospitable to the living. And as the engine mistress looks at you, her eyes

once again turn to fire as a smirk articulates its way across her articulating jawline. And you realize that if you cannot find a way out of hell soon, you will be staying for the duration for now.

It seems that your journey may yet end here in Dis. In Dis what? I'm going to fucking kill you. The Dragon Fence will be back next week, next two weeks. This isn't how the show ends. What's happened to me? We'll see you after the break. Goodbye!

The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty with special guest Montaigne. Our Dungeon Master

is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney

on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon who get special early access to episodes as well as exclusive bonus content every other week. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry

Don't worry Cause that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds

You can always go back There's so much wrong with this idea that I feel bad, I mean I feel stupid just singling this out. But Thomas the Train Kenshin doesn't get on a train, he is a train. Well he's an engine. What do you mean he's on a train? Thomas, sorry, do you think, do you mean? He's on the train. Thomas, sorry, do you do you think do you think

that beloved children's character, Thomas the Tank Engine, is just a floating disc that they smush on the front? Is that what you An all-seeing, all-knowing grey orb. What do you think it is? It's the fucking train!

Why, you used to train the torcs. It's the AI that gets inserted into the train. So, you think they've just got a magical train that talks and a fucking whatever.

They have a magical train that talks on the island of Sodor. No, they're taking people and put them under the train. What's the alternative? What's the alternative? Why is it impossible

to believe that the train can talk but it's fine that there's a grey floating orb that just docks itself inside a normal train

well where are they making it so you work okay so in the in the in the Isle of Sodor then what the trains fucking they make

baby trains and the baby trains grow up or what or are they built in a factory they don't cover the trains fucking

no on the kids' show. Well, I'm just saying, at what point in the train factory, then, do they come alive, Ben? Well, it's an interesting... Oh, shit. And then that thing where, like, the cells of the universe shift, and I think now I'm on inside. So do you think there was a normal train, and then it found some sort of glowing green mask? No, I think like the mask.

Like the mask. Or do you think the origin story is a cheeky little boy named Thomas was hit by a radioactive train? A train. Yeah, it was taking waste to a dump. It hit a boy called Thomas. And as a result, he got all the powers of a train. I love that.

Because there'd be that scene when he wakes up in the morning. He's like, I don't feel so good after being hit by that train. And he'd look in the mirror and be like, whoa, look at these fucking wheels. Yeah, no. I don't actually think, and I've listened to a lot of Thomas the Tank Engine podcasts. I don't, and I'm happy to be correct. He loves true crime. I don't think there's like a, do you remember, what the fuck was that show where-

Lolligrubs. Where, no, the guy came through the window and sprinkled the pixie dust on the thing and brought him to life? Oh, Super Ted. Super Ted. I don't think there was like a Super Ted moment where somebody animated these trains. Wait, a spotty man brought him to life. There is.

What? There is? There is? Thomas and the Magic Railroad they literally sprinkle a pixie dust on the train. What's your name? Pardon?

What's your name? It's Emma Balfour. Get out. I cannot believe I really we have so much to do and I can't believe I'm about to say this

but I happen to know Emma Balfour that that episode is not canonical.