Dragon Friends - #8.18. An Especially Jowly Demon

Episode Date: November 27, 2022

The Dragon Friends are rapidly approaching the end of the line. They've found their way onto the only ride out of Hell and need to stay alive for a measly few minutes to get back to the plane they call home. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are not on track to finish this story. And we had to jump them forward. We'll speedrun this one, Dave. You're going to speedrun it? It's a Dragon Friends speedrun. You're going to speedrun this next episode? We're speedrunning it. That would be great for me.

If you could get us back on track, I would really appreciate it. So you're saying there's going to be no bullshit, we're just going to be objective focused? I'm going to play this so efficiently, Dave, you have no idea. I mean, Ben's character's not here anymore, right? So we can do it. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more. You have no idea. I mean, Ben's character's not here anymore, right? So we can do it. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more.

But don't worry. Don't worry. Because that's what time travels for. You can always go back. And try again. And if you go back. And kill your friends. You can always go back.

And retribution isn't always going to pay. On the road to hell, there is a railway line. And on that line rides the train of souls itself, the Iron Engine. Controlled by that mysterious cabal, the Enginus of Dis, under the ever-watchful call eyes of the Engine Mistress herself. This is an infernal device that ferries the souls of the lost and the damned from Faerun through that first circle of hell, Avernus, and down, down deep below to the next eight circles that make up the nine circles of hell. This is its first stop, the iron city of Dis, before it winds its way back towards the land of the living. This journey has taken

one year. It will take one hour to refuel and then six minutes later, as its engines burn with powers unholy, it will wind its way quickly back to the land of the living where your home is, where your friends and family are, where the people that you once nominally tried to help through a series of misadventures that formed the basis of four or five seasons of Dragon Friends. So it takes a year to get down, but six minutes to get up. That's right. It's heavy with

the weight of the souls of the damned. It takes a long time down. We don't have time for this! Have you ever ridden a funicular railway? It's part of its purgatory, but the journey back is fast and swift, and the refuelling now will soon be done. The dragon friends, however, have no ticket. They have no means of entry or ingress into that ship.

No passengers travel that journey back, and so aimless and unsure as the corrosive atmosphere starts to burn in your lungs, you are left in a garden party by an especially jowly demon with nothing to do but sample the food, wipe errant nerds off your shoulders, and you, Logan the Huge, perhaps stand making, I think it was awkward chit-chat with the engine mistress herself. Wasn't awkward. By a fountain.

It wasn't awkward? It wasn't awkward, no. All right, well, show me. Do you think Logan has better game than Tom Carty does? Let's find out. We'll soon find out, Michael. I think it was such good game that Dave didn't recognise it. Let's find out.

The rest of the dragon friends for a second are pondering their fates. But Logan... I'm licking all the nerds off my body. Wonderful. By a strangely horny fountain, Logan, you stand with the engine mistress who is regarding you with an emotionless mechanical face. Look at this fountain. Strangely horny, isn't it? It's a little bit horny, but I'm also a robot,

so I don't really know what you want. Logan's going to fuck a robot. Is that Friso from Behind the Fountain? I've got to say you look especially physically hard What is your hardness scale? What is your hardness scale on the Philip Seymour hardness scale? Out of ten I would say that my hardness scale

Is probably an eleven You toy with my heart Ingenistress Very hard Those eyes, they glow red Why come? Excuse me? That's all I wanted to say

Listen, if you're going to let me try and fuck this thing You're going to have to let me do it my own way, okay? Okay, while this is happening, we need to get on that train. You can't. You have no tickets. You have no way onto the train. Logan, are you saying that what are you trying to do? I'm literally the only way we get back on top. Okay.

For us to get back on top, I'm going to have to get back on top. You know, I can hear you when you talk. It does make too loud. so don't get in the way if you want to support Logan on his quest by all means I cannot believe that eight seasons

of this fucking show all comes down to if Tom can attract someone I know why is it me all of a sudden we're all playing characters here, Michael. Why is it every time it's me,

it's, oh, you can be Tom Carty. Oh, and you can try and seduce someone as Tom Carty. Tom, Tom, this is a quest you set yourself. Yeah. Don't drag us into it. And also, as we've discovered in the show, like, physically, we are not limited by our human bodies as we are here.

But mentally and philosophically, we are absolutely limited by who we are as people in playing these characters. Michael, that's just because you kill every single character that comes across your path. Doesn't mean anyone else can place a different character. Okay, sorry. Okay. Fish, fish. Yeah, you know, I like to hang around here, talk more,

look into those beautiful, deathly red eyes. But, you know, I'm feeling I might die, you know, if I feeling I might die, you know, if I keep breathing this atmosphere. That'd be a shame. I wouldn't be able to do any sweet kissing later if that happened. Sweetheart, you're very gorgeous, but unfortunately, train is life,

and there are rules. There are rules about being on the train, and one of them is that you absolutely must possess the iron sigil. And if you don't, then you're going to die here. Oh, that's... I didn't even say I wanted to get on the train,

but you said that. Iron sigil. Iron sigil. Oh, iron sigil. I've got one of those. No, forget the iron sigil. I've got the iron sigil. Pass me an iron sigil.

Quick, give me one. Forget it. I've got one. You've got one? Yeah, I've got my hands. Why don't you show me that? Don't want to. It's a secret if you want to see my arm. She walks over to you and touches you and although her hand is steel and marble it is hot to the touch and she grabs your wrist Logan and she turns it slowly around so that she can look at the inside of your forearm, which is clear and unblemished as a baby tortle Without looking at you She reaches down and suddenly you notice that hugging her skirts is another one of these kind of little brown cowled robe demons that you saw scurrying out of the train and she grabs its arm and

out of the train and she grabs its arm and draws back its ropes hand and its skin is clammy and deathly pale as she holds it out to you and you can see stenciled around the wrist images and shapes geometric and profane that seem to squirm and quiver as you look at them and you find as your eyes try to focus you have to look away because it's making you nauseous. There's something deeply wrong with the symbols that are stenciled in the flesh of this creature. Oh my God, what is that? This is an iron sigil.

Okay, I didn't know you're into guys with taps, but I guess I'm willing to get one if you let me and my friends on the train. I'm sorry, but you are puny mortals and you shall not get on this train. You will die here and I am very content with that because I love to see mortals squirm. You're such a freak, aren't you? And then Logan goes in for a kiss.

She leans in. She slaps him just straight across the face. She actually, well, she leans in very, very closely and her hand comes up towards your cheek as if she's about to touch you. And then she pulls back and you see that behind you, a waiter with a tray, she's pulled back a crystal glass full of, I guess, oil and cogs.

Oil and cogs and shit. Oil and cogs and shit. She takes that, looks at you and then, yes, slaps you over the face and then walks away as more of these little brown figures clutch at her hooped skirts and hands, about four or five of them, each only about three or four feet tall,

and they escort her out of the doors towards the engine, which you can see is starting to rumble and steam is starting to billow from its... Once again. Friso jumps out from behind the fountain. Logan, how'd it go? It was really good. I got a num...

I don't... Dave, would Friso know what these iron sigils are from his travels in hell? It looks like some kind of mark or ward or glyph. It's obviously written in an infernal language, which is why the pure-hearted Logan found it so uncomfortable to look at. Friso, you kind of could look at it.

You didn't have any particular problems looking at it. You could draw it for the police if you needed. If anything, it felt like home. It felt comfortable. It felt right. And who has these? All of those little brown creatures, which she called enginists. Can I...

Sorry to interrupt. Could I... While that was happening, can Bobby have tried something on while that distraction was happening? Yeah, yeah. What's Bobby doing? What he was trying to do was sneak up

to one of these little gremlins while the mistress was talking to him and using his Moontouch silver sword, slice off its arm. In the middle of a garden party? Yes, but then he would have the sigil in his possession. Yeah. I mean, that's the benefit of cutting someone's wrist off at a party

is you will have their wrist. It's a party in hell. There aren't going to be no cutting each other's arms off. It's true. It's a wackadoo Bosch party. Oh, it's like someone's playing someone's bum as a flute and there's... I believe that's the central sort of motif of that artwork. I would say bum is one of the few body parts you wouldn't need.

You could play it yourself as a flute, you know? Oh, yeah. That's why Hieronymus Bosch had such a twisted mind. I mean, okay, so you're going to... I was like, a surprise attack. I just think the surprise attack is noisy. It's loud. I think this is a good plan.

I don't want to kibosh the plan. I just think... He always wants to kibosh the plan. I think the location that you're in, this will be very noisy, and this will be very violent, and this will go unnoticed. They are be very violent, and this will go noticed. They are starting to now gather towards the trains and disappear.

I think once we have the ticket, we can book it to the train. The Lords of Hell are very strict. Let the record show that I tried to reason with you. One of these hideous little brown groblins is walking contently, happily, with a full little belly on his hour off. Once a year he gets an hour off. Can't wait to get back to Sandra and the kids.

There's a new episode of Sherlock on tonight. Can't wait to watch that. Oh yeah. I will say hi to Sandra for you and the little ones. Thank you. Oh, what's that? Got a time of shoelace up. Okay. So I just...

Just jump out and attack him? Make an attack. With advantage, you monster. Okay, with advantage. Under the bridge. So, first is a 14. And then... Oh, together.

Kiss the lips. Oh, so it's just 14 because you're exhausted. So, 14. Okay, 14. But it's a surprise attack. Yes, I know. It's very surprising. But I'm a halfling rogue,

so I get extra... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You rolled the damage? No. So that hits? The 14, that takes it? It hits.

Yeah. So that's an eight plus... One, two... Now for the other foot. I think this is right. Almost there. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, and I'll be on the train.

I can't wait to be back on the... You know what? I'll treat myself to a double nom. 20 damage. 20 damage. 20 damage. Suddenly, Bobby charges forward with a scream. His moon-touched longsword illuminates with the power of a moon not seen in these lands for a long time, and he bursts forward and just eviscerates the arm of one of these creatures

who shrieks in blood as laces, blood and bits of skin go everywhere and the rest of the dragon friends look up from whatever tasks they were doing to discover Bobby drenched in blood holding a floppy, soggy hand by the stump just sort of wiggling around. And it's got the tattoos on it. Yes, you monster, it has the tattoos on it. I've got a golden ticket. I've got a golden ticket.

Tra la la. Let's hit the train. And for about one second, every demon in the room is silent. As you say, I've got the golden ticket. I've got the golden ticket. Tra la la. By the way, in that silence, you hear from the back of the room, Ben Jenkins just go, Charlie and Chocolate Factory.

And every one of these demons, powerful and old and ancient and magical, charges at you, Bobby, but you are fast and you have a head start and you are running. Running towards the train engine, is that right? Yep, and also because you said that the moon shone, the sword shone the moon, I've also turned into a werewolf.

Is there a moon in hell? You know what? There's a hell moon. There's not a moon in hell. But there's moonlight in the sword. I think I agree with you, because there's not a moon, so the phases of the moon don't work, which means we reset to the first phase,

which means that this is moonlight the first time, so it's a full moon. So, yeah, you know what? You turn into a werewolf. Make an initiative check for me. As Robert Pancakes, I will also say that your exhaustion won't matter because your adrenaline's up and you're running. So give me the roll.

Oh, that was a one. I rolled a 20. That's interesting. I get to roll again because I'm lucky. Are you lucky when you're a werewolf? Initiative? Of course I am. Shut up. Do you know what?

I've just been looking at the rules where we had that little you're right. He's not a halfling. He's a werewolf. So he doesn't get the one which means that he... Oh, sorry Simon. But you did so well and that was... Do I get a dice of inspiration? You get a dice of inspiration. That's a snitch dice. You get a real special snitch dice.

Congratulations. And Bobby is grabbed by one of the chain demons who holds out his hand and like snakes, does animate a winding chain around his wrist, comes forward, darts forward like asps and winds itself around you, scrappling you. Bobby, make me quickly an opposed strength check. That's a natural 20. Well. That's a natural 20.

Well, that's a natural 20. I rolled an eight, so the chains break and you're able to get clear of them, but unfortunately you've been knocked prone. The rest of the dragon friends can go. We're in strict initiative order, so the first one up is Filch. I'm going to say, hey, demons,

I'm human, I'm alive. Who wants some? And I wiggle my butt and I run human. I'm alive. Who wants some? And I wiggle my butt and I run away. Confusing, but fine. Because you said they would want to gobble us up if they knew we were alive. Yeah. So I'm causing a distraction.

You are, I suppose. So why aren't you telling me I'm doing a good job? Yeah, Dave. Filch battles through and heads towards the exit. Next one up is Friso. Friso is going to appeal to the enginest. He's going to go find a corps of enginest. Well, there's one with a severed arm lying in a puddle of blood.

Is there another group of them around near the train, perhaps, he can go and talk to? Grab his arm! Everybody, grab an arm! Oh, so what you're saying is that they're chasing Filch and they're chasing Bobby, but they don't... I mean, Freeza's just a kid. Well, some of them know,

because Peter Terror explained who you were, but not many of them were around. Yeah. So Freeza's going to go over to the train and start talking to the engineists. And Dave, I want you to appreciate how efficient I'm going to be. That's great, but it's going to take a turn for you to get there, so you're leaving. But you're not being chased, so you don't need to roll anything.

I'll walk very calmly, and I won't do anything silly. Oh, great. Actually, you're going to make me a performance check. Fucking dog. Seven plus performance is 613. All right, great great I rolled a 4 so none of the demons you make your way Logan you're up next

is anybody chasing me yes oh cool just because this is like a hell I understand this is like maybe a oh it's like a garden party

we're outside there'd be some little buggies you're in a little piazza basically oh cool yeah I know what that is is there any like

insects or like go to Italy fucking once and it's piazza this and Joe don't share that I know what that is. Is there any, like, insects or, like... Go to Italy fucking once. And it's Piazza this. And Joe, don't share that. Mucho bene, Dave. Is there any... Are there any buggies or insects in the ground?

Are there any buggies? Yeah, bugs. Oh, I thought you meant, like, is there a golf cart? Yeah, because I want to jump in and do a play of Back Nine. No, is there, like, you know, some centipedes in the... Yeah, no, there are larval hell wasps all around and the trees. That's good news because I'm going to cast giant insects and I'm just going to just...

I'm just going to absolutely blitz this place with a bunch of... What did you call them? Hell wasps? Hell wasps, yeah. OK. Oh, right. Logan grabs a small handful of unctuous powders from a pouch on his crotch and throws it into the trees. And these tiny little, not tiny actually, the size of chihuahuas, these wasps, very big for a wasp, but small for what they're about to become

because they grow and grow and grow until they're the size of ponies, until they're the size of stallions, and until they are sort of the size of a small truck. You couldn't think of a bigger horse. No, I couldn't. Pony, stallion, small truck.

Truck. Truck. Clydesdale. And they, like all hell wasps, the moment they have power in the pecking order of hell being that they think that they can feast, they start to feast. As they dive down creating chaos in the party, there are screams

and panic as the junior demons run, the larger demons begin to laugh. The middle demons fight, I guess for a little bit, but there's masses of confusion and the dragon friends are able to escape quickly racing towards the platform where they see a very calm, very efficient Friso standing at the ticket booth

He's talking to the enginest Dave he's holding court There are two Tom and Ben, very patient enginest, small three foot figures in hoods, having a conversation with Friezo. Dave, my understanding is that enginists, they're sort of

mechanics and what not. They're probably STEM minded, right? They've actually both got incredible degrees. Yeah, they're STEM. If that makes you happy, sure. My understanding, if men in STEM, is they like anime. So. Is that what? They like anime. They love anime that they like anime. So. Is that what?

They like anime. They love anime. They love anime. I am talking to these two enginists about Evangelion. And I will allow them to ask me. I will have given them a challenge. You may ask me any trivia question about Evangelion.

Oh, I'm going to be one of the engineers. No, you said they were better than Tom! You said they were better than Tom! I was at first at university. I was the executive of the Anime Society. Surprise, surprise. So there'll be... Vanguard, that is the first time

in the history of the spoken word that that sentence has got applause. No, you know what? A third enginist appears. So there are three questions you're going to get. You're going to get three questions about Evangelion. You don't have long on your fucking little wiki page there on your phone. Because if you get any of these wrong, you're not getting on the train. Alright, I've got his phone.

Alright, you get three questions from three little enginists. You're explaining this anime that you saw. Alright, I'll go first. This is a real difficult one. Ready? Yeah. Well, answer me this then. What's Evangelion? It's an anime.

Next question. I've got a question about Evangelicate. What is it about? It's about life. It's about death. It's about... It's about... I guess what you might enjoy from it. What you might enjoy.

It's about giant robots fighting in a futuristic world where we're being invaded by angels. But no one really knows what the angels are. Oh, don't ruin it. I won't tell you what the angels are, but let me tell you, it's really confusing. The

smallest enginist looks up at you. Come on! The smallest, most virginal enginist approaches. I don't know The smallest, most virginal engines. In the second episode, they said that the angel's going to be defeated by the Avas because they can create an absolute terror field, an AT field, which is a projection of psychic consciousness that creates a bubble that will protect the dummy plug that has the pilots inside.

My question, I suppose, is that if they have one of these, and we later find out that the dummy plugs were modelled after Shinji Ikagi's mother, Maya Ikagi, my question is that how did we get this AT field? And if so, what does that mean for the Human Instrumentality Project? Don't. And this is Dave Jetlack. We could be looking at the moon right now, Tom.

My understanding is that the trains were magic. That's my... I think it's a, I don't know, jackpan? The engine is the tiny one, looks at the other ones and goes, there's nothing more disappointing than a fake nerd. Fuck, fuck, fuck! And the three of them walk away as Bobby races forward,

covered in blood and bits of eyes, white, tiny pupils, panting, sweaty, slipping in his hand. And as he races around the corner, his fingers, clammy fingers drop. The hand goes scuttering while it falls into a gutter full of leaves and then has to sort of pull it up again. He's got an arm with him. He's waving an arm at you, Freezo. Tra-la-la.

Ticket. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. We scan it into the machine. And we go close together so we go through the turnstile. So it's a door. It's another one of those big sort of doors that are built into the side of the train.

Security door kind of thing. And there is a sort of huge, more a tube built into the side of it. A sort of cylindrical anti-space. A recess. Yep. A niche. Yeah. A hole. A cre A niche. Yeah. A hole. A crevasse. Yeah, sure. Isn't that armor?

You gonna cram it in there? Yeah, let's get in. So you cram it in there with a wet sodden thunk and it glows and then all of the runes around it red flash blue and the door slides open. You can get onto the train. Woohoo! Alright, we have six minutes to get back to Earth. I mean,

Feyroon, let's go. Wait, is everyone with us? As the last of you goes in, Logan comes in, your Drake is still fluttering in, the last one to arrive. And Filch? Did I make it in? Filch, you're all inside and the door slams shut. I just want to say one thing. This could have gone in a very different direction, which is us riding giant

wasps, which is not unlike the final scene in a wonderful movie called The Wild Wild West. And as you say that, you see as the train pulls away, Ben Jenkins just standing on the platform, watching you go, sadly waving. And he waved at him. And he says, Jim West, Desperado. They don't want none of this.

And then as the train leaves the station, there is a sound. As the train leaves the station, there is suddenly a sound and a sort of spinning saw wheel just fucking takes him out. The train is departing. It seems that the carriage that you found yourself in, one of the eight carriages, the back carriage, is mostly empty and spaciously and beautifully appointed. Inside there is wood-panelled furniture.

There are small sleeper beds. There is a small bar appointed with a matter of whiskies and liqueurs and drinks and a tap. Is there a pool table that would maybe flip upside down? Potentially, that you could hide on? No, there's no... Kevin Kline, that's the other guy. It's Kevin Kline.

No, nothing else from Wild Wild West, except there's also the robotic spider, which is just sort of sitting there, but that's more like an objet d'art. And there's sort of beds and stuff, but obviously this is a short trip, and the room seems to be yours, but all of you quickly make for me perception checks.

12. 18. 18. Bobby, in the silence, as the engine's picking up speed, you suddenly notice that there is a figure through the frosted glass of the door leaning in from

the carriage number 7 and there is a figure walking through carriage number 7 who is about to open that door guys somebody's coming

hi I'm a giant turtle yeah I'm a werewolf just do the best you can get this shell bro get the fucking shell I kind of like

go up to the wall and get my shell and become just like a statue-y thing against the wall. I'm going to go under the pool table. There's no pool table. So you're going to hide inside your shell. You're going to go under a pool table that I said doesn't exist. You, the werewolf, what are you doing?

I put a lampshade over my head. Wonderful. Make myself real skinny. And is there a bar? I'll go behind the bar and start polishing some glasses The door opens And another one of these figures, slightly taller this time Wearing a peaked cap

With his robe cowled down Walks into the room And then slowly clocks You, you, you, and you And sighs What can I get you? and then slowly clocks you, you, you, and you, and sighs. What can I get you? Just wait here one second.

All right, I'll be back. It's a two-drink minimum, so... Okay, well, scotch and soda and another scotch. Can I just get a double? Does that count as two? No, you've got to get two separately because of the way we do our stock take. The post mix. Listen to what I'm saying then. Get me a scotch and soda. No, you already ordered a double.

No, but then put just a nip of scotch in a glass. Okay, I can do that. And then I'm going to pour that into the other glass and there's nothing you can do about it. But just wait here because I need to go get some money. We don't do doubles after nine. Okay, but...

That's the thing, I'm not asking for a double, am I? I'm asking for two separate drinks. Yeah, but you're just one person. Who's the other one for? In fact, you've told me you're going to make a double. You know what this... You know what this... And Friso pulls out his a double. You know what this... You know what this... And Frieza pulls out his RSA.

You know what this says? This says I'm allowed to refuse service to anyone for any reason. So, you know what? You wait here. You wait here. And Frieza goes through the door. What? What role is that?

Whisper intimidation? I think it gets advantage, whatever it is. It's intimidation with advantage. Opposed. Bartenders are intimidating. It's a 19 plus intimidation, so it's 25. It's a 13. So the engine sort of looks confused and walks behind the bar.

Yeah. No, he's not behind the bar. All right. But hey, I don't think we need to... Oh, he's gone. Is it just one of those little engineist guys? He's a bit taller. He's a bit taller, this one.

He's got keys on his belt and he has a car and he's now walked out of... No, Friso's walked out of the room. So Friso's left the party and you've joined the party. Oh, no, I'm just there feeling real bad. I tackle him immediately. And I go for his arm. All right. Great.

You know... All right. Let me quickly post strength checks. Yep. Cool. 18 verse 3. You filled, tackles him into the bar. Liquor and gin and vodka bottles

crash and splinter and go everywhere as he goes out knocked out cold. His keys, key belt falls to the ground and also there is

a badge that he had in his pocket that has a stud on it and that clatters to the ground as well. You also find a hundred day AA chip.

It's a little bit of colour and shade. Well, in a way we were saving it from himself Friso, you're walking quickly through the train I'll just grab those keys and stuff by the way Yeah, I guess I'll see what's in the next carriage Alright, so that's an Don't

Bullion? No, so that was the first class carriage You come into the second one as well And now this is sort of rows of kind of seats And you can see the seats have eyelets, studs, and chains that are hanging up against the walls where the dams and soles are chained into them. And they're all empty.

They're all empty, yeah, yeah. In between the two carriages, is there like a little... What's the word? You have to cross through the outside? Yeah, is there a little... They call that a train gooch. Yeah. Dave, Friso's going to tinker with the train's gooch

and try and separate the rest with the train's gooch okay and try and separate the rest of the train from the first class carriage in the engine nice no no no nobody say anything

nobody say anything so you're gonna no no no so so you're make for me it's mechanics so I need an intelligence check intelligence check

wait which direction is he walking? What? Which direction did you go? We've split the party. We've split the party. Let him freeze. No side coaching.

Let him play by himself. Okay, then we can roll. I rolled a one. Your intelligence check, you rolled a one. Okay. That's me trying to do it, though. Yeah, no, no, no, no. So you work out that you can separate

you can separate a you can separate the i don't think i don't know dave i think what you can do you work out a pin that if you pull will successfully separate the engine and the first class carriage from the rest of the train. And I think you've got to pull it. I would think that Friso is trying to separate the carriage. Yes. But he's rolled a one, so I think he would fail at separating the carriage. No, what you're trying to do is you're trying to separate the carriage so that the engine and the first class carriage are by themselves.

You have failed at that but you've succeeded at something else. I feel like if I'd rolled a 1 or a 20, the outcome would have been the same from you. Well maybe don't come up with such a fucking stupid idea. Meanwhile, what do the other dragon

friends do? You know what Dave? I'm using my dice of inspiration there. So you're using your dice of inspiration to try and save yourself from your own plan. Yeah. All right. I think he still doesn't know what's wrong with him. Here's the problem.

To achieve what you want to achieve, you're going to need a DC 14. If you succeed, if you roll a 1, if you roll a 20, I get my way. You need to fail this test non-critically. So what does that mean? I need like a 3 to a 14? With your intelligence bonus, you need to roll a 2 to a 7.

Okay. Come on, snitch dice. That's a 7, baby! Oh, shit! And that's why you always snitch on your party. You're seven, baby! Oh, shit! Yoo-hoo! And that's why you always snitch on your party. And actually, you know what, Dave? That's what you get for awarding snitches.

Freezo. How's the boot taste, you boot-licking pig? All right, Freezo. You very quickly look at the pin apparatus and realise that you know how to separate the carriages and you are about to pull the pin when a thought, a little thought, a tiny thought at the back of your head goes, hang on, if I disconnect the eighth carriage that my friends are on, they are going to roll back into hell and I will be on the train by myself. Oh, is that what happened? I would have done that.

Then you can pull it. Then you can pull it. Hang on! I thought what was happening is is I was still in the carriage and I was going to be left with them. No, so do you want to pull the pin? No, I said I'd be efficient. I will not pull the pin, Dave.

All right. I said I'd be efficient. I stand by that. You walk into the other carriage. The rest of you have the keys. You have the stud. You have... He's back in.

Well, I've got to lock the door behind him. So I can't get back in? So that no people can come in. No, they race into the carriage with you. So now all the rest of the dragon friends are inside. And there's a fireplace at the far end of this room. It seems impossibly large. It looks like a crammed train carriage that couldn't fit more than 30 people.

And then you look at it again, it feels like it could fit 3,000. There's something very strange about the geometry of the room. There's a fireplace that you need to cross as well. At the far end, there's another door. It goes outside. There's another pin. You the geometry of the room. There's a fireplace that you need to cross as well. At the far end, there's another door. It goes outside. There's another pin. You can go into the next carriage. Do you want to do that?

Yeah, we've got to find this train mistress. All right, so you head down. Shouldn't we be just lying low until we get back home? We just need to get to the end of the line. What, we should just sit still for six minutes? Yes. Have a drink. Relax. Don't draw a drink. Relax.

Don't forget that the other guard, you've knocked him out and he may be wanted at his post. He may go missing. Weekend at... For six minutes? You want a weekend at Bernie's for six minutes?

Oh, I don't know. How long was the movie? It was about that, wasn't it? While you were all pondering this, suddenly you smell something filled. You're the first one to notice it. A smell not unlike the smell of oil, black, steam. Cogs. Cogs.

And cogs. And you feel a hot breath, almost like a breath on the back of your neck. And you turn around, sure that there's someone behind you, but there isn't. But then as you watch, the fireplace begins to smolder crackle and burn the cinders and logs inside it snap and um the sound is not unlike laughter like a low mocking laughter as there is a shift in the architrave of the fireplace and it realigns itself into a beautiful imperious marble face its eyes burning like coals as the engine seems to get even faster well well well it seems like you figured out how to get onto my train How? I have a ticket.

Starting off real confident. Is that a question? We have the ticket. We're here lawfully. We have a ticket to the end of the line, baby. No mortal gets onto my train lawfully. You had to do some kind of trickery. What kind of cruelty was this?

We have the sigil. You had the sigil. you had to do some kind of trickery. What kind of cruelty was this? We had the sigil. You had the sigil? Yes. How did you get a sigil? Someone gave it to us. Yeah. My ingenious would never betray me in this way. They did.

They said, actually, they said, oh, we're sick of our mistress. We're going to work for the bus. That's right, the bus. Yeah, the hell bus. There are no buses in hell. A double-decker hell bus. Only trains.

Just us two as me. I'm the train. She is the train now. It seems that she has the ability to sort of... Interestingly, Dan. Yeah. Do you think that the train was sort of sentient before the train mistress got on?

You promised you'd be efficient! So she has become the room and the train seems to be speeding. Is she wearing roller skates? No, she's not. Because it turns to me, this is one of your six perverted fantasies. A Starlight Express fan in our midst.

This is a man who travelled to Germany to watch Starlight Express. It's actually quite easy when you're in Italy to go to the town of Bochum. All you need to do is get a train to the airport in Venice

and then you get a connecting flight. You buy a flight to Frankfurt. Then if you quickly get onto a train from Frankfurt at about 12.30 in the morning, you end up in Cologne where it's just a two hour drive to get to the Bochum Starlight Hall where yes you can watch Starlight

Express a musical in German for children and Shakira Khan the most patient woman on earth I saw it and it was great and it was money well spent and this isn't about me. She's laughing at you and none of you have her sign but it doesn't seem to faze her. It doesn't matter anyway if you're on here or not because in five-ish minutes

you're all going to die. Why? ish minutes you're all going to die why because mortals the living cannot progress from hell to the what's it called Dave there's another one of the little engineers just walked up

next to the fireplace and is standing by with an able assist okay so we can't pass through if we're living I put it to you up next to the fireplace, and is standing by with an able assist. Okay, so we can't pass through if we're living. I put it to you. Now, Friso, you told us that you are cursed to kill the dragon friends by devilish contract. With that in mind, we are as good as dead by the laws of hell, so why wouldn't we just be able to get off the train?

Well, if we were arguing this in a court of law, sure. But I imagine Dave's just got some fucking wall of fire or something, or some cleansing gas or something. A wall of fire is not a bad way to put it, because the fact of the matter is the engine mistress is wrong in one crucial fact there's nothing stopping living creatures crossing that border liminal between hell and faerun and in which in four and a half minutes you will do because the train is accelerating faster and faster and faster towards that terminal wall between realities living

creatures can pierce that veil and none of them will survive the translation. You will instantly be turned into stardust in four and a half minutes when the train makes the jump. And as you ponder that, she laughs and the train buckles as it speeds up yet again,

racing along its way along the winding railway of the River Stick. Alright. Oh, so we thought it was you can't, as in you can't, it of the River Styx. All right. Oh, so we thought it was you can't, as in you can't, it's the rule, but you literally can't get back into the world of the living. I'm sorry to have to do this. I'm going to unbuckle the train on the right side so we stay behind, okay? Otherwise, we're just going to speed into fire dust or whatever, okay?

So, Dave, I'm going to get us on the non-engine side and I'm going to unclip the train so we left behind. You are now about a minute and a half in, you are now racing at high speed. If you unbuckle, you will start slamming back towards disc. Which is hell. Which is hell. Which will also

kill you. So you shouldn't have called me a snitch supporter before. Can we put ourselves into a dead state? Can we flatline, basically? Are you going to suck a fucking

ding dong again? Yeah, we suck a fucking ding on ourselves, we flatline, we pass through, and we just set up I don't know, magic up some electric eels to like zap us back to life on the other side. Well, what you're saying is true. It's just to be clear about the laws of this. Dead creatures, such as fiends, such as the undead, can pass through the border liminal with no problems. It's only the living.

Obviously, the souls do it all the time. It's only the living. Obviously, the souls do it all the time. But if you're all dead, the question that that begs is, what are you going to do when you get to the other side? Is a dragon counted as like a devilish thing that can pass through? No.

Okay, just checking. It would be dumb if it could. Make a perception check for me, though. That's a one. You roll a statistically unlikely amount of ones. But you're a halfling. I'm a werewolf still, I guess. He's a werewolf alive. Thank you for that, Heng, because I would have hated to have gotten that wrong.

The rest of you, though, can as well. Brainsore. How am I dead and not undead? I also rolled a one. Thank you for that hang, because I would have hated to have gotten that wrong. The rest of you, though, can as well. Ah, brain sore. How am I dead and then not undead for life? 19 plus 5. Filch? 8. All right. Logan, you have noticed, because obviously you've been looking at it before,

and you can see that the figure of the face is every bit as beautiful, crystalline, imperious, and marble as you remember. But there is one difference. That now that she is on the train, you notice two things. Firstly, there is a sort of vitality about her, much as there is of you. She seems to be living. And now that she's on the train, she's swapped her high-necked beautiful dress for a form-fitting jacket that is wrapped with a beautiful black cameo, a brooch, and inside that brooch, and again, all of this is sort of done in the fresco of the fireplace, but it's very unmistakable. There is what seems to be a petal embedded inside that obsidian brooch.

Guys, don't you see? She's wearing different clothes. I reckon this firewall, whatever it is, is powered by her. And if we just take her down and that pretty little necklace. Not weird in a British accent, very Jack the Ripper. Then I reckon we're through and good. What do we do? Ready? Break?

What do we do? And fight. Dave, we fight? The fireplace? Do you want us to fight? Do you want us to fight? So that's a projection. That's an image of her.

Wherever she is, which is presumably on the train, you're seeing an image of her. Okay, so we should go find her and kill. Find and kill? Is she at the front, presumably, in the engine? All right, let's go, Dave. Let's go. Your six carriages in.

As I said, it's four and a half minutes until translocation. It's going to take you 30 seconds to make the way through each train carriage. Okay, okay. And it may take more time if you bump into stuff. So you're going to go into the next one? Oh, we run along the roof. Roof. Yeah, let's go roof, Dave.

Roof. We go up to the roof. Okay, so you're going to... But how do we know if she's in there, though? Well, she's the engine mistress. So she's probably in the engine. The engine cab is the front. Okay, let's go.

Roof and then go, Dave. All right, so instead of travelling through the train, some would say efficiently, you're going to backtrack and then climb onto the top of the train. We can go forward and climb onto the top of the train. Yeah. Yeah, you lose 30 seconds if you go into the next carriage. No, don't we go out to the space in between the carriages and then get up and climb onto the train?

Yes, you're already moving 30 seconds to go forward. You're going to go forward? Before we do that, I cast Long Strider and I slap my brothers on their butts. Ah. That doubles your speed, so it'll take 15 seconds to get through carriages. You going to go to the next one? You've got good spells, buddy.

Let's go. All right, you race forward into carriage number... Boing, boing, boing. Carriage number six, Long Strider, meaning that all of you leave dust in your wake as you make your way into it. No sneaking, just moving fast as you can. Let's go. All right, that means you burst into the room and

discover that there are three more enginists looking for their friend walking towards you, in front of you. Freezer yells, he's had a relapse, we gotta go! Go check on him, he's in the bar! Make a deception check. Uh, yeah, that's 15 plus deception, 25. Let's go.

Yeah, that's 15 plus deception, 25. Let's go. Terry's had a relapse. I couldn't face his wife. And the three of them just stream past you as you still hear the mocking laughter of the Engine Mistress. And now that you're in the next carriage, which is a storeroom carriage, you can see her face appearing on windows inside.

Anything complicated and mechanical is reforming into the mocking, laughing face of the engine mistress as you make your way now into carriage number five which is empty. This one is a... Oh, it's another storeroom. There are boxes that look interesting. There are treasure chests that are locked. There are...

Oh, we could... No, we can't. No time. Let's go. Efficient. Efficient. Fifteen seconds. Very impressed. All right. This is engine room number five. And in this room, you see what looks like a strange puzzle plinth. And on that plinth, wrapped in a blue chain, a red chain, and a green chain are three locks. And underneath those locks is a spell book. No, Dave.

I said it'd be efficient. Speed run. Speed run. Speed run. Dave, we said it'd be efficient. Speed run. Speed run, speed run, Dave! We don't have time! The whole point of speed running is you don't care about the law, let's just go! Alright great, you're racing, racing, racing. You come through, there's one engineist in the next room, he looks at you, starts to raise his hand in alarm, but Filge, you're in front, you can make an attack if you want

quickly. I just make his, I slap his hand so he slaps himself with his own hand. The post strength. Oh no! I got a one! And Filch runs towards this tiny three foot enginist and he does like a weird

martial arts move that you weren't expecting sort of in a kind of water manoeuvre and flows and manages to throw Filch over his shoulder and Filch sprawls on the ground. You can leave her if you want to keep running, but it looks like he has her prone. We've got to be efficient. Sorry, let's go.

I'll catch up. All right, the three of the rest of you are racing, racing, racing as you make your way through two empty chambers. These ones are unfurnished, and soon you are at the doors of the engine caboose, which are locked with a heavy iron lock. Actually, the caboose is the end of the train. So, uh...

Mr. Starlight Express. No time to crack down. We've got to go. That's very true. And I'm always willing to say that when I'm wrong about something. So, you know Dice of Inspiration? Yep. If you ever want one, don't be a fucking smartass. I'm always willing to say that when I'm wrong about something. So, you know Dice of Inspiration? Yep.

If you ever want one, don't be a fucking smartass. Lock door. I have the keys. Oh, you do. Of course. Never mind. He's got the fucking keys, Dave. Let's go.

Efficiency. Click, click. All right, you open the door. There are two minutes, 45 seconds remaining as you burst into the room. And you can see the engine stoked, burning, powerful. There's a shovel. There's a pile of coal next to it. And there is a figure with her back to you, which can only be the figure of the engine mistress in a powerful red dress.

That sword still at her waist. And there is a whirring and a clicking as the platform that she's on rotates slowly. And you see that at first there is no fire in her eyes. She is sitting limp like a puppet at rest and then there is a sucking feeling as heat seems to flow into the room and her eyes spark and burn. Her mouth articulates and she looks up at all of you. The cameo burning brightly at her neck and now you can see that she's looking at you and she's laughing.

Ha ha ha ha ha You're a persistent bunch aren't you? I felt like wasting some fools today. I make a lunge for the necklace. Great, make for me a pose dexterity and you can oppose it if you want.

Montaigne. That's a big, hot five plus... Four. 21. Oh, wait, no. It's a sleight of hand, so that's actually 29. You've made us too powerful, Dave! It's getting harder.

I should never have made you level 8. Jeez, so mid, it really feels like the soliloquy is just starting to vamp up. Bobby just dives forward at the augmented enhanced speed of a long strider, races forward, somersaults in the air, and

grabs the cameo from her neck. There's a scattering and a tearing of ribbon. Bobby, make for me, because of the direction that you're running very quickly, a dexterity check to make sure that your dive doesn't crash you into the pot-bellied furnace of the engine. Yep, that's a 22. Or I will roll now to see if your dick falls off. It grows eight inches longer.

As Bobby lands on a small shelf on top of the engine, as she spins around, quickly, that's Bobby's go. The engine mistress is next. Now you have your bow if you want. I do have my bow. I also, I'm wondering if I can use this spell called Fiendish Charm. Oh, Fiendish Charm. Yeah.

So instead of looking at you all, she turns and she quickly looks at you, Logan. Oh, my God. And her eyes burn bright and her face looks beautiful and imperious and commanding as she leans in towards you. Do you say anything? You're still horny for me, right? In the weirdest way. Beautiful

seduction technique. Alright, make a DC 14 wisdom saving throw. That was a 7 plus wisdom. 2 plus 2 and nine. Oh my God. All right, Logan looks his eyes glaze over as he looks at all of you, who he met only recently. And then with a big, heavy paw,

he smashes the door closed behind him and it locks. And it seems that with three minutes, 45 seconds to go, the fate of the dragon friends rests now on a final battle, an impossible battle with a powerful enemy, an engine mistress, fourth in line, the second circle of hell, who is already racing towards that border liminal, that space between worlds that could tear you apart, make you as stardust, make you as if you never were,

and remove all trace of the dragon friends. But she is no longer alone. She has a powerful ally herself who will fight with her, perhaps to the death, ensorcelled as he is by all of her imperious splendor, that of Logan the Huge, who will fight with her today, versus the dragon friends who will survive the dragon friends, or that mistress of hell to find out. Dragon Friends. We will survive the Dragon Friends or that Mistress of Hell

to find out. Tune in to the semi-final episode of this season of Dragon Friends. Thank you! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! Wah! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon

Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Cardy with special guest Montaigne. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney

on Gadigal land in the Yoran Nation. This week's episode was made possible by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get special early access to episodes as well as exclusive bonus content every other week. Until next time. Make a hundred mistakes and make a hundred more But don't worry

Don't worry Because that's what time travels for You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back And try again And if you go back And kill your friends You can always go back An extra few seconds

You can always go back I guess it's really cool, but I was disappointed that you didn't at least try to do like a Ringo Starr, given all the Thomas chat. That doesn't do that, does it? I'm sorry, what? Does that have a Ringo Starr singing? What do you mean? You know, Ringo Starr setting? What do you mean? You know, Ringo Starr is the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine. So I just wondered if there was a Liverpudlian setting on that.

Does that have an Arnold Schwarzenegger on that? Can you do it? I think it does. Turn the Arnold Schwarzenegger on for Tom. Tom, I'm... Arnold Schwarzenegger. Whoa. Now make him sound like...

You're the chopper, you're the... Whoa! Now make him sound like... Now make him sound like he just ate an enchanted pork. Please, don't do that. Please, I'll do anything. Don't do that.