Dragon Friends - #9.02. (Warlock)

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

Bethanee Smiles has returned. An ancient contract binding her to kill The Dragon Friends. At her mercy, our heroes have to make a pleas for their lives and propose an alternative. Can they convince her of the viability of an impossible task before she completes the contract herself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Dragon Prince must die Dragon Prince must die Picture, if you will, a brave adventuring party Travelling through the heavens, through the hells For, I would say, approximately two and a half years I would say quite a fun Twitch stream That would, of course, be the adventuring party The Beef Babes, Proud Kid, Gingerson, The Barbarian Bethany Smiles, Paladin, Chosen of Palor And Freezo, Chosen of Palor,

and Friso, a kind of... Well, Michael Hing plays one character, and he played it twice for us. This is the same character. It's Friso. He played it twice. A warlock who had been through heaven and hell on his quest for self-betterment, and Bushu, his reluctant familiar his reluctant familiar come dragonborn sorcerer

who traveled with him the beef babes traveled high they traveled low and were laid down low when bushu died but all was not lost for listeria obstrix she of the broken veil of the garden of dreams and nightmares arch devil of nessus had an offer and in exchange for a promise to kill the dragon friends your friend bushu would be restored to life and lo he was and so bushu lived and so the dragon friends must die and almost five years have elapsed and in that time the headaches have come they have become worse and worse bethany and in dreams now, every night with certainty, you see yourself walking in a terrible garden by a black river where a woman waits with her back turned to you in a black funerary shroud.

And every night the dream goes longer as she starts to turn towards you. This is the Veiled Lady of Torment. And when you see her face, you know that you will die. Unless you kill the dragon friends. But where are the dragon friends? You have traveled high, you have looked, you have searched and searched, and it was not until they traveled to hell themselves and introduced themselves to a podcaster that you realised you might

have yet a chance to find them following the trail has led you to water deep where the promise of a horse has led them to a post office trap and yet one is missing Bastogne. Did Ben Jenkins snitch on us? I mean

yeah Ben Jenkins absolutely snitched on you fucking ACAB man all cops are Ben what an awful universe alternate reality where all cops are Ben do you have any idea how fast you were

Sarge Sarge I can't get my gun I've got too many jelly beans in my mouth two questions do you have any idea how fast you were going and have you got a Twix?

So, without Bastogne here, it seems that your plans may be for naught and you have no backup. Kit Gingerson, Bushu, your one-time allies have been scattered to the winds of the nine-owned world and Bethany, you are on your own, save for your legal representation, the goblin

lawyer, Gribbets, a goblin that you found down on his luck in Avernus and have employed as your lawyer. And now, with the fight deflated, with the moment gone, you and the dragon friends sit down in the post office and orange juice is provided for the quickly sobering up Bobby Pancakes. All right. I think turning into a werewolf metabolised anything that was in my system. As Gribbets pours over an old, obscure legal document bound in skin and steel.

Ew. What, you've got a problem with the book? I've got this book from the library. This is from the Third Circle. It's skin. That book gross, dude. It's skin from a baddie. I mean, it's probably fine.

Anyway, it says here, it says here, yeah, no, this isn't going to work. You need to kill all the dragon friends. Lysteria was very specific. Well, I don't know, Gribbets. I mean, maybe I should just kill a couple of them and see if that does anything. If you like. I mean, you can try, but it's not going to. I mean, kill him.

See if anything happens. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I've known you for years. Sorry. Bibbits. Now, Bethany, recently, we ran into our past selves, young versions of ourselves that have been brought here. And we don't currently know if killing them will kill us in this timeline. It will.

Well, that's not... We don't know that yet, actually, Bobby. I had a vision. You had what? I mean, it's logical. But also, I went on a dream quest and it will. Fuck. No, it's not going to work anyway

because it says here you're bound. You're bound basically because of Friezo. As long as Friezo lives, he's the tether that connects these dragon friends to you by way of this curse. So you need to kill all Frisos or just me? What do you mean all Frisos? Yeah, what do you mean all Frisos?

There's a second Friso. That's what I'm saying. There's a second Friso. You could kill him and maybe I won't die. No, you'll die. Is this Friso just got a guy that he's put like a moustache on? He like wheels him. He's like, this is Friso. This is the other Friso. It's a very specific contract. It's really quite ironclad.

I mean, unless you could find a way, unless we can sever the entire contract, I really don't see a way of getting out of this. Unless we can what? Let's sever the whole contract.

Well, I mean, severance is a very complicated process that requires, I mean, you would need to travel to the ninth circle of hell. You'd need to go to the Nessian courts of the damned.

You'd need everybody that was involved in the curse and you would need to break to the ninth circle of hell. You'd need to go to the Nessian courts of the damned. You'd need everybody that was involved in the curse. And you would need to break the contract on the desk of woe. But that's a very... How spiky the desk. Well, it's a... You know, it talks a big name, but it's really just like a very basic desk. It's kind of like an Ikea desk.

It's in a big... It's in the court of... It's in the court. I was going to say, because if it was spiky, it'd be hard to write on it, you know? Yeah, exactly. It wouldn't make any sense. That's where the woe comes from. You see, Friso gets it. Yeah. No, it's a normal writing desk, but it is. Maybe just kill us then. Yeah, fair enough. Well, Gribbets pulls out a gun. You can kill... No, you can't kill them.

We talked about this, Gribbets. So this severance thing, we need to collect every single person who was involved? And when we first... In our first consultation, I mentioned severance to you and we agreed that it was not possible because you don't know where all the interested parties are. You've lost track of Kit, you've lost track of Bushu,

and now it seems you've misplaced Baston. And can I say that that is some piss-poor adventuring. I mean, you guys have travelled together how long? It seems like you don't even care. Which one's Baston? Oh, my... OK, so we need to go find... That's fine, Bethany.

You and I are friends, remember? We're, like, bestany. You and I are friends, remember? We're like best friends. Yeah, I mean... We had that chat one time. Can we talk without, I mean... Without the tortle and the halfling? And the orc. And the orc.

And the orc. And the orc. And the cat. Oh, sorry, Gribbets, sorry. Hello. Sorry. I mean, I should probably... I'm part of the talk, right?

This is... No. This is a... Beef break. Beef break. That's all right, we can go. Do you want to have a staring... Beef break.

That's fucking hilarious. Excuse me, what? What, do you have a funny little name for when you go off and talk to your friends? Yeah, we call it a circle check. little name for when you go off and talk to your friends? Yeah, we call it a circle check. So, Bethany, what's going on with you and Gribbets?

What do you mean? Dish! Dish girl! I see the way he looks at you. I I see the way he looks at you. I have just come here to kill you, to break a contract. And let me tell you, honey. No, sorry, sorry. I know what I'm talking about.

He's awful. No, he's horrible. He's awful. You haven't stepped that far away. I know what I'm talking about. He's awful. He's horrible. He's awful. You haven't stepped that far away. I can still hear you. Sorry, Grimmets. Let's go to the other circle. I feel like I'm trying to be nice,

but there's something inherent in him that makes me want to be mean to him. I'm getting still right here. I know. To be honest, I think he likes it. I think it gets him a horrible little sniffy. Look at this. You suck. Look, see?

He's getting all... Now why would he say that? In the other circle, Bobby and my name's Logan. So I suppose I'm with you guys? Oh, fuck. I wouldn't fuck that little goblin with your dick, mate. Hey. Well, hang on. Now I feel like there's a huddle in this corner with you guys

and there's a huddle, so it's just me by myself. Oh, there's Filch. You can talk to Filch. Oh, okay. How are you doing, Filch? Me asleep. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Okay, meanwhile, Bethany and Fraser.

I guess we just didn't really talk after I had to go back to the real world. I mean, you told me that these people weren't your real friends. I mean, the Beef Bays, we travelled through hell together. We went through hell, literally and figuratively. Yeah, we also did hell, actually. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Derivative?

Yeah, here's the thing I feel like the gods just ran out of ideas I don't know Yeah, look How can I say this? I don't want to die Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah

And when you kill me It makes me feel bad. Wow. You've really been working on yourself. Friso, I'm so proud of you. There were times when you couldn't say that. Yeah. And so if you try to kill me, I will do everything in my power to kill you and everyone

you love because now this is gross of how i have that's how i feel and i have to be honest to myself so that's why i'm maybe gonna have to kill you later that's so funny that you think you can kill me what what level do you think you are cute right now i would say level 10 and i would also say that we did that stream and i was um at times a lot more permissive with magic items than i am in this show the old dip in the bag bag. The old dip in the bag. The dip in the bag came from Beef Babes, didn't it? It did, yeah, yeah, yeah. So somewhere between her wings of flight, her holy avenger longsword, the friendship necklace

that don't forget you have as well. Oh, don't put that on me. I don't want the friendship necklace again. Listen. How have you been feeling? Are you okay? Is this like part of your growth? Yes, it's not a strategy.

No, you know what? Friso, because I know that we're friends, right? We're friends, not colleagues. 100%. So you're on my side. I know your favourite colour and your favourite movie and your favourite food. All right, let's say them all at the same time.

Okay, favourite colour. Red. Three, two, one. 3, 2, 1, red Oh, 3, 2, 1, red Favourite movie? A League of Their Own 3, 2, 1, A League of Their Own Favourite food?

3, 2, 1 Custard Well actually, if you want, I've actually got a baguette I just need to know that whatever goes down you're on my side right i mean here's the thing of course i'm your friend but there is gonna be a kind of there's gonna come a point where you're gonna try and kill me you know well and here's the thing about friends this is what i learned when I was working on myself. Friends actually don't

kill their friends. They might let them die. They might in a trolley problem situation but they would never actively kill their friends.

Right, Dave? Hi. Sorry, can I jump in here? No, I've just been consulting the Liber Horrendius Obscura, and this one's made of skin and hair. It's much more gross. Anyway. What kind of hair is it?

I don't know, but look at that. What's the beard? It's a merkin. It's much more gross. Anyway. What kind of hair is it? I don't know, but look at that. What's the beard? It's a merkin. It's a merkin. Don't touch it. Anyway, it's,

yeah, there's no, there's, why are all the pubes grey? Unless, we can find, unless you can find a way to find your friends, get them back,

then there's no way. Severance is just not an option. You're going to have to kill them, then you're going to have to walk the earth for about a month, get them back, then there's no way. Severance is just not an option. You're going to have to kill them, then you're going to have to walk the earth for about a month, get really lucky, find Bastogne, kill him, and then, you know, pay me would be nice, basically. Those are the options. That's how it's going to have to go.

Kate, whatever. Don't have to nag. Unless, of course, you can find a way to find Kit and Bushu, but it sounds like that's not an option. No, we sort of, once I went nuts in heaven and took that big spaceship and started walking all the different planes, trying to kill every god,

we sort of lost touch. Well, you know how it is. Well, you might not, but sometimes friends lose touch. I'm sorry. See what I mean? It just comes out of me. Yeah, I know. And he wouldn't get it because he's never had friends, I know.

Hang on, hang on. Let's be focused on the problems. Let's not get mean. Cut to Gribbets' 12th birthday party. Oh, Gribby, sweetie. No, they're coming. They are coming. Mum, I just told you I didn't want to have a birthday party.

No, but that's all right. We invited everyone from your class, didn't we? Don't mind me. I'm just sweeping up. I'm the janitor. Ding dong. Oh, they're all here. Oh, great, because we have so many cheese puffs in this room.

Don't go to the door, Gribbets. I'm sure they'd love to see you. Hello. Alright, I will. Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Derek. Uh, Mrs... Yep. I guess Gribbets opens the door. What are we playing here? Hello, sir. You look like someone who's in need of a broom. Not just a regular store-bought broom, but a handmade Fancy Dan broom. Fancy Dan brooms are the number one broom in town. Now, this here is ordinary dirt.

This here is extraordinary dirt. Excuse me while I put this on your carpet. And he just starts chucking dirt on Riven's feet. No, not on my carpet. I just had that washed. But I have a Fancy Dan broom. So, excuse me. Yes.

Can you just get out of the way? I just need to... Yes, Friso. Of course I have friends. I understand what you're talking about No look Hey bro When you said that thing about friends

Why did your hands just start Pretending to sweep the floor It's not important Look I mean The two of you came from the same party right We have the contract here You would just need some kind of

Very powerful scrying equipment. I don't understand. You've paid me and I'm doing the best I can, but you're quite a powerful paladin. Dave, I feel like you're trying to get me to remember something that I have. You're saying that you have no means to in any way magically scry. You have no access to scrying equipment. You have no powerful magical items.

I just killed an old man who has a tower filled with magical shit. Let's go there. In fact, he would have just died now. You shouldn't tell me that. You're not my lawyer, Gribbets. You're my friend's lawyer. Will you guys help me? I know I came to kill you, but if we want to be free of this,

we've got to find some old friends of mine. Can I tell you, don't worry about Bobby. He's really chill about almost dying, you know? Really chill. Oh, cool. You know, it might be dangerous, but we have to collect all of my old colleagues. We have to find your colleague baston and break this curse together are you in was that or another game of ultimate frisbee so yes

what about you logan well my ultimate game is to find baston and i'd love a career change so absolutely yeah what about you Filch? Well uh Hey you said you were asleep Oh I feel refreshed Uh yeah I mean me got responsibilities and people who need me

and uh soccer practice and debating coach, I'm the coach of the debating team so yeah let's go And then she turns and debating coach. I'm the coach of the debating team. So, yeah, let's go. And then she turns at last to you, Friso, and her eyes glow white as she casts the spell Zone of Truth around just the two of you and takes your hand. Oh, what's going on there?

I'm not a man who's trying to cut Gribbets' grass, let me tell you. And that's the truth. Freezo. Yes. Can the others hear what we're saying? Yeah, yeah. Yes, Bethany. Do you promise one thing? No. Okay, that's

fair. Again, there's... Well, ask me what it is. There's a zone of truth around you, so just so you know, you can't lie. Well, of course. That's why I said no. If it comes down to it, who will you choose? Oh, can they hear?

You can cast... No, you can cast deafness as well. All right. That's my blindness deafness. Me or them? You can cast deafness as well. Blindness, deafness. Me or them?

And do you know what? Because of blindness and deafness, you guys can talk about this after, but Friezo gives his answer to Bethany. I choose Friezo. None of the other dragon friends can hear it and the answer is given. Do you feel it's strange that they've done kind of truth and then just when they were going to ask the question they went completely

silent yeah it's not a great um groundwork for building trust okay let's go on an adventure and bethany takes from around her neck a beautiful brooch of blood amber encased into a single petal of a rose a fey rose a fey line rose the rose created by morgana that allows her to travel flip between the worlds as she summons a portal that takes her out of this pocket dimension she's created and deposits you, all of you, outside the real, water-deep

postal office. Because it seems that you have a plan to find some scrying equipment for you. Is that horse still there? What? Um... It was a beautiful horse. Yeah, sure. Alright, you can have the horse. Yes! I get on it.

I love you. Logan, Bobby, Filge, Bethany. You see that tower on the hill over there? Yeah. That big old tower that looks like a dick for some reason. With a weird ass mushroom head on the top of it.

That's where we're going. We're going to that tower, and we're going to kill an old... Oh, no, we're going to... We're going to get in there with this key, and we're going to get you some powerful scrying equipment. And if anyone tries to stop us, we'll kill them. Right, Dave? He screams to the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, Dave? He screams to the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, Dave! And so you, the dragon friends of Bethany, you make your way up again towards the castle ward where Blackstaff Tower sits. The Blackstaff Tower, of course, home of the six Blackstaff warlocks, the circle of living and dead warlocks, the most powerful warlock supreme

that ruled those powers, arcane and infernal in the city of Waterdeep in a concordance with the city that wished it was not there but had not power to see them ejected. This is a tower now run by Corbin the sixth black staff, a man who you have befriended over several

months at your bakery and who has entrusted you with a key for his front plants. Now he told me to put this key in the lock and then twist it some amount of times. Did he? Did he? Is that what he said? Did he say some amount of times? I don't know. What did he say, Dave?

Do you remember, Dave? Do you remember what he said? I don't need to remember. It's fucking written here. Tom, what's it say? Hi there. I'm going to guess it would be less than ten. It's like how training a key works. Once again, Friso has pulled out the key

and you are now standing outside the doors of the Blackstaff Tower and he is now suddenly uncertain. Friso puts the key in the lock. Yes. He turns it once. And it Yes. He turns it once. And it clicks. He turns it twice. Does he?

Yes. And it clicks again. Look at his eyes. What's he saying? What's he giving away? He turns it three times. And it clicks again. Yeah, that's it.

We're going for it in the door. And the door swings open. Oh, yeah. Michael, there are so many numbers in the world. Yeah, I knew it was less than like... Because Dave, he wouldn't have gone like 40 because it wouldn't have been taken too long, you know? Need to wait for him to let go.

The door swings open, revealing what looks like a beautifully appointed antechamber. There is a low marble bench to your right. There are old torches that seem to sputter into life as they fire up with a green, almost ghostly fire as the door opens. And you can see, yes, three or four large pots with front plants that look desperately in need of watering. Steps leading up into the tower itself. Wow, so your friend lives here? Yeah, my friend Colonel.

Corbin. Corbin. Corbin the Sixth. Corbin. And so he gave you a key. Is he like on holiday or something? Yeah. He's gone away for a while.

Yeah? Yeah. He think he was going to Thames or something. So that wizard we stepped over on our way here? Yeah, that was a different dead warlock. That was... Because you were just talking a lot about how friends don't kill friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's just another guy? That's a... Yeah, we should call an ambulance after we do our thing, though. Because he looked pretty sickly. Okay. Well, nice place. I mean, I guess we should water an ambulance after we do our thing, though. Because he looked pretty sickly. Okay. Well, nice place. I mean, I guess we should water his plants. Yeah, and then he said don't go upstairs.

But if I want to fill up this watering can, I've probably got to go find a tap. That's probably upstairs, right? So we'll go upstairs and just see what's up there. And you're leading the way, are you, Friso? Yes. Now, Dave, because I know you're going to try and fuck me, I'm going to do like a... I'm going to do... Just trying to play Dungeons and Dragons with you. Yeah, I know, because I know you're going to try and fuck me I'm going to do like a I'm going to do

Just trying to play Dungeons and Dragons Don't be offended No, no, no, I can't You always do this You always do this It's this antagonistic relationship Yeah, I started watching a different YouTube one Where they play Dungeons and Dragons, right?

And they don't even do jokes Theirs is just all like It's boring, right? And their Dungeon Master is quite. Theirs is just all like, it's boring, right? And their dungeon master is quite nice to them. He doesn't try and fuck them all the time, Dave. You know? He goes, oh, we're telling a story. Whereas you're like, ah!

I do an Arcana check. 15 plus Arcana, Dave. So that's, what, 18? 18. You got an 18, did you? Yeah, I'm looking for magical traps. All right. Again, you have failed to understand how the Arcana skill works,

but that's fine. You know what? You think that the stairways in the impossible mansion tower that is in the centre of the city that has sputtering torches of green ghostly fire, it feels to you like it might be magical in origin. I think it's pretty safe, guys.

Let's go upstairs. Make a dexterity save. Oh, that's a two. Plus dexterity, so maybe a four. Freezo's the first one at the top. Two things happen immediately, Freezo. You step on a step, so maybe a four. Seven. No, Friso's the first one at the top. Four. Two things happen immediately, Friso.

You step on a step, there is a click, and then there is a pew sound as a little dart fires forward and lodges itself just below your Adam's apple. Home alone castle. Which instantly constricts your vocal cords, preventing you from casting spells with vocal components for the next hour. Just the dance spells. Somatic and material is fine. You can't cast spells that require you to use your voice.

And the second thing that happens is that the lights change and then there was a ghostly voice that comes out of what looks like a portrait high up in the stairs. It was like, hello? Who bloody goes there? This is Corbin the Sixth. You're not. Are you?

Hang on. I'm meant to record this in case someone's up the... Hang on. Are you? Oh, I should have thought about this. No, are you? If you're thieves, bloody don't. Just...

No, cops, cops. Alarm, alarm, alarm. And it just sort of talks to itself very loudly. And then Frieza's just going to wipe it. All right, let's keep going. Frieza's going to keep walking. But saying... You can't talk, so...

Yeah, he's just kind of like this and then he's going to gesture the lug and go... Alarm, no, don't bloody, don't walk past me. Don't, no. If you're still walking up these stairs, private security has been dispatched. I repeat, private security has been dispatched and is making its way to the tower now.

I stick my head and my arms in my shell and I waddle up like that. Sideway, so it hits my shell. All right. The rest of you still going to go up? Yep. All right, great. Also, by the way, Friezo, you take two hit points of damage.

I'm level 10 now, Dave. I just need to kill like four guys and I'm back to full hit points. I will try to remember that in the next encounter. You make your way up further up the stairs. Bethany, you're just behind Friso? Yep. Alright, and as the two of you crest to the top of the stairs,

passing the quite uselessly shouting, talking animated portrait, you can see that there is a beautiful circular lounge. This next level of Blackstuff Tower is an appointed lounge for entertaining. There is a conversation pit dominating the centre of the room with a circular staircase going up the walls. There is a small bar. There is a beautiful table near a bookshelf that is crammed with old and strange occult books.

And there is a big pewter chest sitting beside the bar locked and barred don't see conversation pits like this much these days um and she sits down on one of the couches okay and tries to kind of see put herself in the position of someone sitting there and thinks i I think we should look in that chest. Okay, as soon as you sit down, the beautiful circular fireplace in the centre of the room bursts into light and the room feels warm and friendly and you see the chest, which is, as I said,

bound with steel bars, old iron oak, but it looks like it has a very powerful and potent lock. I wonder, do you think the equipment we need is in there? Or do you think it's like this is his place for sex parties and it's just got a lot of masks? Frieza's going to cast blue light on this couch. No. Frieza's going to gesture towards Bobby and then point at the chest.

Are you a chest expert? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As you get to know me, you'll know that I'm an expert in quite a lot of things. Oh, my God, what am I doing? Yes. Is he cutting onto me?

I think in Simon's brain it went, chest means chest, which is where boobs are. And then it went to, like, I'm good at eating pussies, I think what Bobby was saying. Is that what happened? Yeah. Bethany looks at Bobby like he's gotten the wrong idea. Sorry, I'm taken.

I put your arm around Cupid's. No, no, no, I'm just chest. Like, I'm a lock picker. Like, that's my... Look at this. That's a three. And Bobby goes, look at... Wait, is that sleight of hand?

That's a 20. I love being level 10. You have a plus 17. Plus 13. Oh, sorry. 16. 16. Oh, that's disgusting.

But it is... Unfortunately, it is still a three. Did, sorry, 16. 16. That's disgusting. But it is... Unfortunately, it is still a three. Did you roll? Yeah. All right, three. So you turn around, Bobby looks at you, grabs his lockpick, sort of sweats, spins around, and then places his hand on the lock.

But in his panic and embarrassment, he misjudges and his hand with the lockpick falls right through the sort of plastic and rubbery more of this chest, which suddenly turns viscous and sticky as it starts to grapple you. Because it is, of course, a mimic. You fucking idiots. Yeah, you fucking idiots. Friso turns to Bethany and goes, don't worry, he's really good at eating pussy.

And it attacks you, Bobby. I'm a class 20 with its pseudopad. That's D8 plus 3, which is another 6 points of damage. And it tries to bite you as well. And it rolls a 19, which I think hits you as well. D8 plus 3, which is 9. Importantly, am I still a werewolf? 18, 17.

Are you still a werewolf? Why is that important? Because I would get half the biting damage because of my resistance. Oh, because of your resistance. You would. Yeah, this is normal for the melee. Unfortunately, the pseudopod, oh, this is embarrassing for you. It's a magical attack, which means that you take full damage,

which means it's 17 points. And let's not forget the acid damage as well, because apparently I'm not doing enough damage in this. And you guys are all level 10, and I'm developing just a little bit of a sort of irritation at the cockiness of all of this. So we're just going to upgrade the monsters as we go. You see what I mean, though, Dave? You see what I mean?

And the one I watched, he was like, oh, now you're in a flowery meadow. You know what I mean? It's just, that's what we could do. We could just be in a flowery meadow. 19 points of damage. Four of them acid. I mean, you did say that one was boring. It was extremely boring and so earnest

and I think all of them would be a really bad hang if I'm honest Friso can you quickly did they talk a lot about eating pussy on their one or didn't really come up

not from what I watched but Friso I need you to make me an escape check DC 13 escape check it can be athletics or acrobatics

sorry not you no Bobby I apologise oh right ok so the pseudopod wraps around you. You rolled a one. I got to roll again because I'm a halfling and a marky. And that's a 20. Alright, a 20.

As the pseudopod wraps itself around you, but Bobby manages to twist and fling himself free. His hand comes out of the maw at the last second as he scatters to the side. But his lockpicks scatter onto the ground. He's disarmed. He is currently being pinned in the corner by a giant mimic chest that is already descending upon him. Friso, you are up next. Friso can't do spells, so Friso will now attack the mimic. Friso can do some spells.

He can't do spells that have verbal components. Yeah, but Dave, I don't know which ones are which, so I'm just going to attack the mimic. Is Bobby inside the mimic? He's just grappled by it. No, he's not inside anymore. So I'm just going to attack the mimic with my sword. Now, is the mimic like the ones in, like, um...

Is the mimic like the ones in Dark Souls, so it's on legs and it's all gangly and tall? This one has squat little legs. I think of a huge pseudopod tongue. Alright, I'm going to swipe at its like, knee, I guess, with my sword. And that is a 17 minus 1 is 16. That hits.

That hits? All right, great. Fuck yeah. All right, I'll work out my damage while you do the next thing. Okay, great. In that case, Logan, you're up. So you've given me, like, three pages of spells. No, so you're a druid, but these aren't all the spells that you know.

These aren't the spells you know. These aren't the spells that you've necessarily memorised. Okay, what have I memorised, Dave? I've been playing piano for this podcast for like four years. I don't know how to fucking play. You're right. I'm not going to hold you to the same standard that I'm going to hold Hing to. Thank you. You know what?

I'm going to say... See these ones? You've got these little lines? Yeah, I put a line in the ones I liked. And this little picture of a tree? That's just a picture of a tree. I call him Leaf Boy. You haven't picked your spells. So for this combat, you can cast spells up to your...

You run out of spell slots. So any spells you like... I'll just use Thorn Whip. I'll use Thorn Whip. The ones you prepared. Oh, okay. I can use? Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to do Charm Monster. Okay, great. That's nine damage, by the way, Dave. Nine. Thank you very much. Now, you guys know how to play the game. Just give me a second. What am I supposed to do?

It's all right. No, it's not up to you. It's a spell DC. The monster rolls a three, and it turns, and it is placated, and it opens up to a big toothy smile as gold coins spill out from its maw, and it is charmed. It becomes friendly to you and starts waddling towards you slowly, Logan. But even as it does, the table sitting next to you in the bookshelf,

rear forward on their stubby little legs. And they start attacking too. As all of the furniture in the room starts to come to life. The chained library swiping at you. Filled rolling a 16, which is not enough to hit you, and the animated table attacks you. Friso

and gets a 17. Is that enough? Yes, that'll hit. Alright, and you take 2d8 plus 4, bludgeoning damage. Did you watch Beauty and the Beast the other day? It's just a good film, right? Because it's funny and it makes you laugh laugh But at the same time It's

They're nice to each other Did you watch Be My Guest And be like I wish they just killed him Killed her I wish it wasn't A singing and dancing

13 points of damage And Bethany does mean Mark I have so many points And I have so few Bethany you're up next Um

Well I don't have my My sheet So what can I do Well allow me To give you one I don't have my sheet, so what can I do? I don't know very much. Okay. So what can you do? Do I have any spells? She has her Holy Avenger longsword. She has all of her smite magic. She has her

in fact, I have a spell book for you. You can have a few on as well. Great. Thank you. It's good. I just can't fucking win. It's good. No, I'm just concentrating. I do appreciate it. Thank you.

You put all my spells into a little book. And I sorted them alphabetically. Thank you, Dave. That's really nice. And by level. I'm sorry, Dave. I appreciate it. Can I cast Abjure Enemy?

That seems like something that would be good on creatures. Yeah, you can abjure one of them. I don't know what it means, but I'm going to abjure the heck out of them. Which one are you abjuring? Oh, the mimic that's got Bobby. Alright, you pull out your holy symbol, which is of course a scarred amulet of Palor that you

have yourself defiled as you did cast your faith away and the creature has to take a wisdom saving throw, which is, you know, they do not have high wisdom. These are dumb, stupid animated creatures. And you've got disadvantage because you're a fiend or an undead if you're a box with a big tongue. No.

But the creature is smart enough to be frightened and it is frightened of you as... You said this was the table? Or the bookshelf? No, I said it was the mimic. The mimic. The mimic that was friendly. All right.

Suddenly the mimic... Me just charming, high-fiving one of them. Yeah, and the bookshelf. No, I said it was the mimic. The mimic. The mimic that was friendly. All right. Suddenly the mimic. Me just charming, high-fiving one of them. Yeah. And the same one that Bethany then frightens and terrifies, sending very mixed messages to a very simple creature. It's good cop, bad cop. As it breaks free of your charm because it's now frightened and it starts trying to run away from the room.

Unfortunately, the person in the corner of the room is Bobby, so it runs past Bobby. Bobby, make for me a dexterity save. That's a 19. And you make your way out of the way as the creature runs into the fireplace in the centre of the room, throws itself into it, and disappears down into the sub-levels of

the tower, but the library is still there and is savaging Friso. Friso, I think... Oh, no, no. This is now Filge's go. Filge is so mad that she's being shown up by furniture. She goes into a rage.

All right. And she attacks the table with her thunders awake. Make the attack. Two attacks. Yes. Oh, one of them's a 20 and one's an 18. So that means that that's a critical attack. You an 18. So that means that's a critical attack. You have improved vicious criticals because you're a barbarian,

so that means you roll an extra dice for damage. Oh, an extra dice for both or is it just one of them? Just for the critical. Oh, yeah, cool, cool. All right, so that is... Yep, 22 damage. All right, 22 points of damage. The table cracks asunder as you pull out your giant warhammer.

You smash it. The sound of the giants roars out as your magical weapon obliterates. The table destroys it. Now only the chained library is still there, just flailing out chains towards you. The trees are trying to bind you with the chained books that are wrapped inside its shelves and it attacks you again.

And this time it rolls 23. Now I need you to make an escape check yourself. DC 14. That's an at 20. Yeah! Alex didn't fact check that. Yeah, I fact checked it. Freezo pulls himself free as you do and the panic and the adrenaline because it was a critical means that you suddenly find within you

a volume of vocal strength that you did not know that you had as you push it through your tortured vocal cords and you find voice of a sort returning to you. Suck it, Dave, is what Friso says with all of his might. Screaming to the heavens. And now it's your turn. Oh, my turn? How many baddies are there left, Dave?

There's just this bookshelf. And the bookshelf... Fuck it, I'm going to go all out on the bookshelf. I'm going to do Hexblade Curse of the Bookshelf as a bonus action. And then I'm going... Sorry. Yeah, and then I'm going to attack it with my sword.

All right, make the attack rolls for me. Yeah, that's a 16. Does that hit? Yeah, I'm a class 14, that hits. Fuck yeah, alright. I'm then going to do all my damage to that, fuck yes. That is 9 plus 10 damage, plus 5, plus

4 bonus damage. Goodness grief. So, plus 5 psychic damage, so 19 in total. Alright, in and in that case, you reach forward, you scream, the chains split asunder as you take your nine live sealer longsword, and your eyes glow, and your voice is redolent and slightly reedy because it's injured, but justice is on your side as you tear into the bookshelf,

splitting the books aside, and it falls back against the wall. Just in time for you, Logan Logan to make your attack. I whip out my thorn whip. And you make your attack too. Logan joins the attack. Roll for me very very quickly. It's a 17. It's a hit as well which means with another 14 points of damage

the bookshelf is defeated. Books fly everywhere and one of them falls at your feet Freezo. A book that is written on the top of it. The very secret and special spell book of Corbyn, sixth in line of the Blackstaff Tower, brackets, warlock, close brackets. Oh!

So you can add that. This is his own personal spell book. Fuck, Dave, yes. But not only that, as the bookshelf is broken, you can see that as as the bookshelf is broken, you can see that in the space in the wall where it has ripped itself out from its bearings, there is a secret stairway leading past the general spiral staircase of the room

and off in a direction that seems impossible because this is a small tower and these stairs lead off to the north improbably. Huh. Sometimes the least probable thing happens. And you did drink the orange juice, right?

Yeah, but I still learned some stuff. What colour is the soul? Depends on whose soul it is, baby. Fuck, man. He's deep. Shall we go up the staircase? Yeah. All right, you head up the stairs and inside you find yourselves

in what looks like a magical laboratory. Some warlock... No, no, what word would you use? I just think it's funny because to me laboratories are pretty magical on their own. This is the lab of a powerful warlock. No doubt, Corbyn's own sanctum. You can see it's dominated by tables of strange, obscure equipment. There'd be all kinds of weird magical items.

There's so much weird kind of equipment. And I believe you promised a certain Alex Lear dip in the fucking bag, bro. And to tip the characters, that's two dips in the bag. No, that's not how that works. Two Ds, two Bs. I will... I'm going to keep my word, and I'm going to say that there are two things

jump out at you at the room. Ah! One... I cast Witch Bolt, I don't know. One catches your eyes, Friso, and it's a giant mirror surrounded by scrying equipment that dominates the northern wall. Interesting.

And the other is on a small desk, left a magic item that he was obviously working on before he left for Thay, is a small wooden box with a question mark drawn on it. If you headbutt it, a coin will come out. I'm only doing one of these. A dip in the bag is what we used to call a random magic item. I've got a random magic item generator here. But I said I was only going to give you one, and you have to decide if it's for Bethany or if it's for Phil, Jalox.

Don't make me choose. On International Women's Day. Get it now. Get it. Bethany's already got a lot of shit and a wonderful spell book in alphabetical order, my goodness. What a lucky gal. So Filge lunges forward and picks up the box. All right, rolling now.

And Filge's hands reach into the box and you feel something small and rectangular. As you pull it out of the box, you can see that it is itself a box of an old... Box in box? And then you pass it to the next person as the music keeps going. Painted in bright red and gold pigment, and it's filled with pasteboards and as you

look underneath them you can see what look like old Taroka tarot cards 12 or 13 of them. I like the noise the audience is making! Because before he left for Thay, Corbin had assembled 13 of the 22 major arcana of a deck of many things. A very powerful magic item. Draw a card and something happens. It can be good, it can be bad. This is not magic that is given lightly to an idiot. The dip of the bag has got a dip in her bag.

But the dice don't lie and they have decreed that Filge gets one. And who am I to stop them? Dungeon Master. Meanwhile. So wait, mechanically how does that work? Al will roll a dice. We roll a lot of dice every time. And it makes something happen?

It makes something happen. Does Filge have any control over which one she picks? No, you draw a card from the deck. If you just something fucking. And it makes something happen? It makes something happen. And does Filge have any control over which one she picks or no? No, no, you draw a card from the deck. If you just look at them, nothing happens. But if you draw a card randomly, something happens. She does. Sorry, it's Filge. She does that. But well.

You know what actually like really breaks my heart is like this is one of the few times in Dragon Friends where we would actually need a magician. Yeah. And yet every magician we've ever met in this show I've murdered. Yeah. Hey, Mia Wizard.

I think if Filch picked up a mysterious deck of cards, she would immediately pull a card from the deck. Yeah, I can see her doing that. And so she does. Okay. All right, roll for me. Thank you. Oh, pretty.

Roll for me a number between 1 and 13. So 20-sided dice. Reroll if you get higher. 15, 18, 6. A 6. Okay, you rolled a 6. So, well, Filch immediately uses the high-powered relic. Obviously.

Friso, you're drawn to the mirror. You can see that this is a powerful scrying artifact. And as you do, Gribbets is walking up to you and he wordlessly hands you a tome of skin and steel to hold. Okay, so I'm going to take the Grimoire. Yep. And I'm going to say into the mirror, all right, Cerebro. Do I put on a helmet, Dave? I just wish everyone at home could see how tight Dave's lips just went.

Oh, come on. This is just fantasy Cerebro. You put on the weird helmet that is inexplicably linked to the mirror and you take your hand and you place it on the mirror itself and suddenly the mirror goes frosty and cloudy and then it blinks into light and you can see a brilliant star map of the nine known worlds or worlds known and unknown but the contract glows a power pulses through you and then you can

see those worlds being linked together maps being drawn stitched into the very floggest in itself that border liminal between worlds as you see images start to dart to the surface. You see for a second, beyond the bluffs of chance, what seems to be a powerful warlord's castle where a tribe of lions feast with their king, a massive feline barbarian who roars at the sky, daring all who would defy him. The image shifts again to a feline signature of tiny, possibly South African pseudo-dragon energy

flitting backwards and forwards across a map to serve his many, many infernal masters. And it flicks again to show, finally, in this world, the world that you know on the outskirts of Anorak, the desert perilous, a tiny grave, lost in the ravages of time, with no headstone other than a beautiful Barovian sword stabbed into the ancient desert sand. And as you process this, there is a crack and a woomph sound as 25,000 gold coins fall from the sky

around Filch. The table has been set. The adventure has been ordained. The path will be long and perilous, for there is much to do. Find Bouchou, find Kit, find Bastogne, and save not just this adventure, not just your own life, but perhaps the life of an adventuring party who are just doing their best, bringing their friend back to life when they signed a pact that they shouldn't.

And that adventuring party was, of course, called The Beef Babes, who should never, ever, ever have run into the dragon. Friends, thank you! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carty. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, Are you still famous?

A little bit. There was someone in a German coffee shop. And I was like, oh, as if it's followed me here. Have you checked your bum yet? Yeah. Ah, it's the man, yeah? Butthole, boy. Butthole.

Butthole. Ah, you're a cunt, yes. I'm like, can I use card? They're like, why don't you in your butthole? You're funny.