Dragon Friends - #9.03. Mission Discipline

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

The Dragon Friends have been given a glimpse into the path ahead, Three former companions adrift across the Nine Known Worlds and perhaps beyond that need to be brought home. But first, they need to get out of the room they find themselves in. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! Hello! Yeah, I, uh, they tried to keep me away. Dave didn't want me so he put my child in the hospital last time. All you had to do was keep to the plan The Dragon Friends were in retirement Fruitfully enjoying their happily ever after But you couldn't look a literal gift horse in the mouth And so now there's this whole new thing The infernal blackguard paladin Bethany Smiles

Champion of an adventuring party called the Beef Babes Who you understand has a bone to pick with you blackguard paladin bethany smiles champion of an adventuring party called the beef babes who you understand has a bone to pick with you now bethany has laid her trap well the dragon friends are assembled and she knew that if she could just kill the ones they called filge bobby friso and baston then the curse that bound bethany would be lifted a curse that has caused every knight for visions of the veiled archdevil Lysteria Obstrix to drift closer and closer to snatching her art from her sleeping chest and damning her to eternal torment in Nessus, ninth of the circles of hell. Did you get all that?

Because I saw you talking to the person next to you and there was quite a lot of... Unfortunately, the dragon friends are no longer a full unit. Baston Indrirovich is dead. He is lost in time, and Bethany, you have a problem. She cannot kill you, and so she needs your help. If you can assemble her adventuring party, the Beef Babes, find Baston's corpse and bring all and sundry to the Nessian Desk of Woe,

you can break this contract and be free. To do this, you have all broken into a warlock's tower, though the alarms ring below. You have plundered his magical stores, taken spellbooks, used his scrying mirror, retrieved his deck of many things. All you had to do was keep to the plan but instead you have activated the deck immediately causing 25,000 gold coins to tumble out of nothing onto the floor 25,000 gold coins which is about 290 kilograms of metal and as the guard whistles start to blow downstairs the floor begins to crack and splinter well because of 290 kilograms.

That's right. Surely we'd weigh more than 290. You know what? When I was reading these notes, I foresaw this. Yeah. It's a shitty flaw. Snap. And the wood cracks again,

as you can hear whistles downstairs, and now the voices, faint that they are, of the water-deep guards beginning to come to black staff tower hello oh god i i got released my first knock you see so i got really nervous open up oh that's much better hey is it your first day as well yeah i've don't worry i got the i got i got them surrounded in here don't worry why did they pair us up? You should have thought they would have given us an

experienced person and a non-experienced person. I know, this is just the way it sort of... Okay, make for me an intelligence check. I'm smart. Are they standing underneath our floor? They are down on the level below you. That's a nat 20. Not the guards. Oh. Oh.

I think that still counts, David. Can I tell you, I mean, it doesn't work. Who do you think is playing Dungeons and Dragons? I think everybody is, you know. I was playing me trying to deceive. But, you know. If that's Logan, if that's Logan, then that's, and I don't think that that was Logan. I think it was. But if that

is Logan, then Logan, you look and you realise that any second now, this floor is going to collapse because the straw will have broken the camel's back. 25,000 gold coins are going to tumble down onto the second floor and you along with it. You all

have a chance still to take actions. You don't know if it's going to be one or three rounds, but I know and you can act until the floor breaks in initiative order, which means that we start with you, Friso. I roll the 16 on whatever check you wanted

me to do. So does that mean that I understand what's happening? Yes! Intelligence. But do you understand what's happening? No, Dave. I'm just numbers in a game. Now, I will cast flight, I guess. Okay.

That nullifies the problem. Yeah, you can use your actions. Nullifies the problem for him. Yeah, absolutely. All right, and one other person can fly with me if you'd like. Who wants? Who wants? Oh, do you know what he's just done, though?

Yep. He's just taken some rucksacks off the proverbial camel. So, you know how this straw was about to break? What I'll do, Dave, is I'll take Bobby. Yeah, great. And we'll fly off, I think, saving the life of this wretched camel. You know what? That is going to actually mean that the floor will last for an extra round

because you've taken that weight off the floor. But unfortunately, structurally, it is still on its way to being broken. That is your action, which means that the next one up is Bobby. Well, if I'm flying with Friso, I'm just like loop-de-looping. I'm living my best kind of Wendy's Brothers flying through the London sky life.

You do understand what's happening, right? There are guards downstairs. They are going to break through. Yeah, but I have just magically gotten the power of flight and I cannot believe my luck. Welcome aboard, Friso Airlines. Could you please put your tray tables in their upright positions

and also put your seats front ways. Aye, aye. Bobby salutes and does a flip. Okay, wonderful. Well, you've wasted your turns, all right? That means it's up to you, Logan. That's your opinion. Is like the door thing... If you know how to fly, I will wasted your turns. That means it's up to you, Logan. That's your opinion. Is the door thing off?

If you know how to fly, I will fucking kill you. I cast Wild Shape and I become a fly. You know, he wasn't gonna. No, I know. He wasn't gonna. He just prodded and prodded and prodded. Which means I guess it's Bethany Smile's turn. Yes, I believe I'll be using my wings of flying.

Thank you very much, Dave. Flap, flap. So you're all humming around like fucking hummingbees. And is Filch like Scrooge McDucking in these gold coins? Yeah, what is Filch doing? Filch is making a snow angel in coins. Do you want to pick up some of them? She's making a coin angel.

Would you like to pick up some of them? Oh, yeah. She's like, I mean, she's picking them up in her mouth and like spurting them out. So you don't want to pick up, you're happy to leave them? Anything that you pick up? No, no, she's shoving them into any... I think if you're Scrooge McDucking, in the same way that when you leave water, you're wet. Do you know what I mean?

She's wet with coins. I think she's wet with coins. All right. Well, what you can do then, in that case, is you can roll a d12, and then you can add your strength modifier, and that times 100 is how many gold coins you pick up on your turn. Please, how wet with coins she is. Because you didn't waste your turn flying around like a fucking idiot. All right.

That's 14. Look at that. Dice Cam, by the way. You get plus three. It means you get 1,400 gold coins. So congratulations. How many gold coins were there? 25,000.

25,000. You used your turn flying. Now, Gribbets. What does Gribbets do? Gribbets goes, ah, it's payday for old Gribbets. You all laughed at old Gribbets. What does Gribbets do? Gribbets goes, ah, it's payday for old Gribbets. You all laughed at old Gribbets. Make the roll. D12 minus 2 because you are weak and feeble of arm. Well, I can't find a

D12, so I'm going to roll two D6s because I've done the math. That's not the math. I've done the math. That's not how it works. I've done the math. That's an 8. Fine. You get, you know what? Because you didn't do the math, you get 80 gold. You get times 10. It's okay.

I could buy myself a DVD with that. And Phil yells out, they came from my deck, they're my coins. You're on borrowed time, Gribbets. Gribbets gets 80 gold coins as there is a crack. A splinter in the wood, but it doesn't break as the voices of the guards waft up again. Do you know what? I think we can just start again. I don't think they even heard us.

Yeah, okay. Maybe we knock at the same time to make it loud. That's you know what? I think we can just start again. I don't think they even heard us. Yeah, okay. Maybe we knock at the same time to make it loud. That's great. Ready? One, two, three. Fuck! Sergeant, sorry. It's Terry.

I was just outside. It's my first day. How am I a sergeant? A lot of people died this morning. Yeah. This isn't, this isn't. And you've been promoted very quickly. And let me tell you, the boys back at the office, this watch house, are not happy about this either. No, been promoted very quickly. Let me tell you, the boys back at the office

this watch house are not happy about this either. I was a green grocer not eight hours ago. I just worry that there is a lack of urgency on this mission given the fact that to get here we walked past

what is clearly the poisoned body of a warlock. That's great. Owner of the tower. Thank you. Corbin of the Black Star. Thank you, Constable. Remember him from the last adventure that you couldn't be fucked showing up to?

My job was in hospital! Now you look terrible. Yeah, no. Well, Constable, I appreciate your initiative there. Excuse me? Yes. He taps the things on his lapels, but he's still got his green grocer insignia,

and so he taps his other shoulder. So he wears a uniform to be a green grocer? With epaulets? It's part of the law in Waterdeep. Epaulets. Oh, my God. They're epaulets. Like what Simon just said, they're Appalettes.

That's about right. No, don't clap. That's about right. That's about right. Tiny little apples. 20% of people kind of enjoyed that. That tracks. So he taps his Appalettes.

Yep. And then he taps his sergeant stripes. And he says, yes, constable, you'll go far. Tell me more about this dead body that you had. We've identified him. He's Corbin VIII. He was poisoned. And we think we've traced the poison back to a bakery near here.

I think that the culprits. You're kidding. I think the culprits are up there. That was my dad. What? It was my dad Your dad is Corbin the Eighth Blackstaff Undead necromancer warlock Yeah

I think you'll find he's dead, Dad We just say dead in this circumstance That's crazy So when we went to do this knock on the door You knew it was your dad's place? I thought I would make him proud by turning up in your uniform. Are you going to use the battering ram? No, I'm not.

You're giving the day off? Yeah, giving the day off. His dad just died. My dad just died. What's wrong with you? Dave, Frito and Bob are going to fly out a window while this conversation is happening. There are unfortunately no windows, there are no... There are unfortunately no windows.

There are no windows. No, no, this, remember, this was the laboratory of Corbin, the black staff. There is a huge scrying mirror that you have made translucent with the memories of the locations of your friends and the beef babes. You could... But there is no actual way to exit the room that you can see.

At all? Well, no room that you can see. At all? Well, no, that's not true. There is a trap door leading down underneath is which a frankly annoying son of the deceased and a greengrocer. And a quite competent member of the city watch. Yeah, but he's a constable, so he's got no sway. There's no, like... he's a constable, so he's got no sway. Is there...

There's no, like... It's a secret lab. There's a scrying mirror. There's no, like, trapdoor to go up through the roof. This is the top of the tower. Let's see if he gets it

on his own. Let's fly through the mirror. Yeah, yeah. Is there a secret, like, transporting device? Like a... Can you walk through? I guess Friso's going to hurl Bobby in the mirror. Yeah, yeah. Is there a secret, like, transporting device? Like a walkthrough? Okay, I guess Friso's going to hurl Bobby at the mirror, Dave.

Okay. So Friso quickly picks up, make a strength check for me. That's 15. Can I make an opposed... You don't want to be thrown at the mirror at terminal velocity. Look, I've just learnt how to fly, but I reckon I've got enough to pull out of, you know... Yeah, all right, make an opposed dexterity check for me.

That's a 9 plus... Whoa, make an opposed dexterity check for me. That's a that's a nine plus whoa, what is my dexterity? Alright, that's... Wait a minute! No, that's not, you're looking, I can see you're looking at your skills which means it's wrong, that's not what you're looking at. It's nine. Yeah, alright, unfortunately. It's eighteen. No, that's not, because you're looking at your skills

so that's, you're still looking at your skills. Dexterity, where's my... What do you want me to look at, Dave? Oh, my God. How is it that you can do Appalettes, but after nine years of this... It's the second one down. It's here. Yeah, the big one.

Appalettes really took it out of him. It actually took nine years for him to do Appalettes as well. Do you know what? I don't care. Don't even look at it, because Friso picks up Bobby as he's doing some maths or some shit, grabs him and throws him against the mirror

as hard as he can. You take eight points of damage. Friso, you rolled very well. The mirror's fragments and splinters and shards of the mirror go everywhere as this priceless magical artefact is destroyed and the floor cracks. What the fuck? Again.

Friso, that is your action. Bobby, you're up. Dave? I attack Friso. Really? I just, like, just that is your action. Bobby, you're up. I attack Friso. Really? I just start scratching his face. All right, make an attack. Try and get me.

You're on the ground, you fucking idiot. I'm flying still. It's an unarmed... How high are you going to jump, you halfling? It's a 14. I don't like the way you say that. Hang on, can he take it away? No, not only can he not take it away,

but the concentration was broken when he hit the mirror. So you can't fly anymore, you're all at 14. But Friso has cleverly just flown up out of your reach. So unless you're using a ranged weapon... So I can't fly anymore? No, you could never fly, I picked you up. Wait a minute. The way you described this to me I thought that I

I think if Simon thought he could fly Then Bobby thought he could fly But that doesn't mean that Bobby could fly This Let me just say Hing You did not paint an adequate word picture I think everyone knows how flight works I get to fly and I can carry you.

That's why I picked the littlest one. Did you think it was like choose a friend? No, actually. I thought it was like an extra pocket of magic that you could bestow upon anyone else. Do you think flight is like COVID? I'm not spreading it around. It's just me and flight.

And I carried you for a bit and then I threw you in a mirror. Why didn't anybody tell me before? I thought you were doing a bit. I don't know. I was like, this is pretty funny from Simon. So does that mean when you were excited doing loop-de-loops, it was just you being carried going, wee! I was like, yeah, you're doing

it, buddy. You're doing it. Wee! That's right, Bobby. You're flying. Flying. Alright, Bethany goes, stop it! Sorry, I just want to point out, by the way, that the use of the fly spell because you are 8th level and it's a 3rd level spell, you could have made him fly. You simply chose not to.

You know what? I stand by my choice. Now that he's attacking me... Yeah, now he's doing like a scrappy-do. He's like jumping for his feet. Please, it's called a scrappy-do. Bethany flies down. She goes, hey buddy.

I know you thought you were flying before. Do you want to hold on to my back and close your eyes and you can pretend that you're flying? Don't patronise me and yes. Okay, so what's Bethany doing with her action? She's letting Bobby climb onto her back. And she's... So he can close his eyes and pretend he's flying.

It's been two months. Where's mission discipline gone? Why are you all flying? Where do you want us to go? Okay, do we need these three guys down the bottom? Because there's one way out of here, right? Well, I was trying to go out a window, but apparently there were no windows.

Fuck windows. I become back to my total form. I go into my shell and I just drop straight down. Oh, like a cannonball. Yeah, like a cannonball. Logan, make a strength check for me, Logan. I would be pleased to do a strength check for you. 15 plus when you find your strength.

Logan jumps up, executes a perfect somersault. The arms, legs and head go thwip inside the shell and he turtle bombs right down into the centre of a magic circle. Just before he does that, as he's airborne, Griffiths hasn't noticed and Griffiths is like, guys, I'm going to go get more coins. And smashes through the centre, executing, creating a perfect hole in the centre of the slightly raked room

as the gold begins to slowly slurry down as if in a spiral. Cascading down onto a... hole in the centre of the slightly raked room as the gold begins to slowly slurry down as if in a spiral cascading down onto a humble greengrocer who would think that it is his luckiest day if it wasn't for 240 kilograms of hard metal that go straight into his open mouth as he stares upright. He dies.

Don't be sorry about him. What about the son? He dies but he comes to terms with his own mortality In that last few moments That's so great As he's being stuffed full of gold coins Big time, that's actually the way he wanted to go

He reaches perfect nirvana Yeah, I suppose anyone would, Michael In that situation Am I fucking wrong? I guess you're right. Yeah, you deep throw enough gold, you can see heaven. As someone who recently started working in commercial television, I agree. Now, more and more whistles are blowing.

You can see that there are more and more guard units coming. Perhaps some of them are even competent. Some of them that know what they're doing. of them high level some of them possibly not voiced by ben jenkins although here comes constable idiot with his hat on backwards and feet for hands all right bethany suddenly bethany reaches down and she pulls down shards of the mirror that have collected on the floor of the second floor of the house. You can see them. She quickly takes them and places them inside a silk pouch just to the side of her backpack.

On them, possibly, even though the mirror has been shattered, are still the ghostly images that were projected on that scrying mirror. A desert in Anorak, a fortress somewhere in the wilderness, a pseudo-dragonish home in the House of the Damned. Okay, well, that was pretty fun. But we probably should get on with our mission. So where do you guys think we should go? Just joking, I'm in charge, I'll tell you.

I think we will go and pick up that old corpse of Rooney and get on with our task. Corpse of who? Of Bastogne? Bastogne. I don't think we're going to do that. Because if you get Bastogne, then you'll try to kill Bastogne again and then you'll go back to your original plan,

which is trying to kill us. And I don't trust you to not do that. So if you do that, I'll kill myself. And like them apples. And like them applets. How are you threatening to kill yourself in this moment? I'm going to deep throat so much gold, Dave. Hey, Friso's got a handful of gold holding his mouth.

I'll do it. And she's like, will he? To Bobby and Logan. Gribbets is like, two things. One, yes, he will. And two, I think I broke my knee. When that turtle... Gribbets is like, you know that video of the guy that tries to do the nunchucks trip

and then falls and hits his head? Gribbets is swaying like that guy. Friso's holding his gold. Gribbets! swaying like that guy. Freezer's holding a gun. Gribbets! Gribbets! Yeah? What DVD are you going to buy? I'm not going to buy any DVDs.

Oh, okay. I was just curious. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine. We'll get him later, even though you guys should trust me because I'm the best. Thank you. Okay, so fine. Well, where else should we go? That's Don saying. You're allowed to say that. I'm the best. Thank you. Okay, so fine.

Well, where else should we go? That's Bastogne saying. You're not allowed to say that. That's his words, isn't it? That's his words. Well, he's dead. Get over it. That's my saying now. I'm the best.

Bobby just slides down off her back onto the floor. Wow, I really feel like I turned the mood of the room just now. Anyway, let's get on with it. So who can we go to? We could go to Bushu. Let's go, I don't know. What about Kit? Whistles are growing.

Whistles are growing. There are guards surrounding the building. Here comes Constable Idiot. Gave myself a demotion on the way here. I arrested my own dick. One more. One more. motion on the way here. Bum bum bum. I arrested my own dick. Bum bum bum bum bum. What for?

What crime did you suspect your dick did? Bum bee dum bee dum. Arson. Who are these? Your accomplices? I'm gonna get ya. Punches himself in theices? I'm going to get you. Punches himself in the nuts. I'm so sorry, ma'am. We have a line-up if you want to come in.

I know this is going to be tough, but just take your time. Make sure you pick out the right dick. Okay, we'll go find Kit then. Kit Gingerson. Where is he? He's the big cat in the middle of the desert. Bethany Tate. What?

No. There were three of them and you've gotten it wrong. Is he in the fortress? So you pull out one of the shards where you can see what looks like the Bluffs of Chance, one of the nine worlds of adventure. Great towering mountains, beautiful sweeping plains, high seas and discord. Not the app, but like, you know, like... Here he is, in the bluffs of chance.

She pulls out the shard and she takes and unclips her feline rose brooch as she indicates for you all to take her hand. Take my hand. Let's all go see this constable idiot. No! Just joking. To the bluffs of Chance, adventurers I'm talking how Dave wants me to talk So he doesn't get mad at me

Everyone hold hands and let's go on a wonderful adventure Yes, let's, I can't wait to go to the Bluffs of Charles. Why are you doing the famous five? And Grubin says, yes, and... We'll have lashings of lemonade and egg sandwiches to beat the band. Oh, yes, and perhaps we will sit by a babbling brook and eat lots of yummy ham. And mummy and daddy will give us cod, our favourite of the fishes. I think this is what you want.

And the drums beat as the sun beats down on a land of promise of opportunity, a land where adventurers are made, where rapscallions are forged, where it seems anything is possible. A land that you know is the land of Hyperion, Max Planeswalker, of a land of promise, unfulfilled, of adventure without end, that you have never yet been to until now. And inside this plane, this known world, there is an island dappled in the sun called Theros. And on that island are plains wild and unkept, known as Oreskes, to the people that live there. And you find yourself spinning through the phlogiston and border liminal between plains as you find yourselves landing in this land in Oreskes. You are in the bluffs of chance. You are in Oreskes, the golden plains.

You are on a road already outside the seat of grass and song. The O-9 Pride Summit. Pride Summit. What was that? What the fuck are you talking about? The O-9 Pride Summit. You said so many words. I don't know if they're just made up words or you just don't know how to say normal words.

Picture, if you will, a giant fortress made of reed and stone and powerful weavings of grass. What shape is it in? It's in the shape of a fortress because I said it's a fortress. It could be like, I mean, you know. No, you know what? It's in the shape. You're only limited by your imagination, Dave. You know Lion King?

You know Pride Rock? Yes. It's in the shape of that. Damn. But it's made of grass and rocks. Mostly rock now that I mention it. It's Pride Rock. It's Pride Rock but there's a door in and rocks. Mostly rock now that I mention it. It's Pride Rock. It's Pride Rock, but there's a door in the front.

Okay, cool. Is the door up the top in the front of the rock? Because that'll be hard to get into. No, no, no. It's right at the bottom and then there's a sign above the door and it says seat of grass and song and then underneath that says fuck you. And there's another sign that says no simbering. And is it a little cat flap door? Yeah, please don't sim simbering. And is it a little cat flap door?

Please don't simber off the rock. Is it a little cat flap door? There's a smaller cat flap door, but it's a human-sized door, and then there's a smaller door underneath it. In a cat's fortress, would the regular door that's human-sized be still cat flap in design? Yeah, it's on a hinge at the top, but the cat door is on a hinge at the side.

So people can go through it. Fucking upsy-down town over here. And when we say cats, this is of course a leonine fortress. They get lion people. These are people that walk around with the face and butts of a lion. Why did you say face and butts? Like they were the two most important bits of the lion. They are.

Have you seen a lion walk away? No I haven't Alex It's like They've got like They have tails They sway Yeah Every year you guys know what I'm talking about

Yeah I didn't know this crowd was so horny for lions Yeah We're going to have a lot of furries in tonight And let me tell you The leonine are sexy lions as well. Oh, mama, let's go to this world. In what way are they sexy?

Oh, great question, Michael. Are they sexy in the way that the cereal line is sexy? No, they are sexy in the way that they exude a charismatic power, a sort of rich vein of potency. They have a rich vein, do they? And it is noticeable. Oh, like Adam Driver. He's kind of got a rich...

Yeah, like Adam Driver. Okay, great. Oh, got it. They sort of simmer. Can they see any of these fuck cats? We can smell them. There are two fuck cat guards. And they're not played by Ben.

There are two guards played by let's say Simon and Tom this time. And they are standing at the doorway of the seat of Grass and Song. Heavens to Murgatroyd. And they go because it's the seat of grass and song. Heavens to Murgatroyd. I think it is. And they go because it's the end of... Guards! Stage left even. Yeah, it's the end of their shift. And two more guards.

Beating now. Yeah, alright. Ugh! I thought I'd seen a rich vang, but that was a really rich vang. I like to fuck. And suck. That's enough of them. That is enough of them.

No, you want another go. You think you deserve another go? I don't think anyone here deserves anything, but we're still here doing a show. Hey Dave, coach, put me in. You know when you're at a party and you think you're drunk, and then you talk to someone who's heaps drunker than you and you sober up? Yep.

It's like that, but for being annoying. There it is. The last two lions go. And can I warn you now that if you don't do this, I'm not going to let you play any characters for the rest of the scene. All right. This is your one chance.

All right, Ben and Tom, two more guards come because the other guards are strucken by idiot palsy. Oh, this is your one chance. Alright, Ben and Tom, two more guards come because the other guards are strucken by idiot palsy. Let's do it. Gosh, I've got to tell you, this rich fantasy world that we live in. It's beautiful. I woke up this morning and I had

mead. I had, do you know what today is? What's that? Today is the moon day. But M and D are capitalised. Of course, and there's an umlaut in there somewhere. I don't hate this. Has it not been 100 days since the reckoning?

The reckoning. You're slightly over-recking it, but this is fine. As two guards, you suddenly see a quintet of adventurers appear, led by what looks like a tiefling in gold, scorched armour. Hark, be that a quintet. Yeah, sorry, we're going to have to hark this quintet here. Guys, that's a hark for you. A hark for you. It's a hark for...

A hark! Hark, be ye... Don't make him say prithee. Be ye... Travellers? Be ye travellers? What ho? What ho?

Be ye travellers? Ho? Ho there. What? Ho. Ho, indeed. And a hi Mary Mary To one and all

Well met Well met Alright this has been fun We are here To see our old friend My old friend And I guess Bethany's old friend Big time

What's his name? We are here to be in the presence of Kit Gingerson. We believe he is to be found here. As soon as you say that, you know how cats sometimes their hair all goes upright and they get fat necks? Yeah. It's called

peripylating. They all get fat necks. It is, or pyloerection. The moment you say Kit Gingerson, the two guards get fat necks and they look at you. Spits out a little furball. Can I ask a question about your life? Yeah. Verily!

If I got like a 400 times regular sized bulldog clip and put it on your back right now, would you collapse? I would, and then you'd be sentenced to death. I'd be sentenced to death. It's a fun game we're playing. Are you talking to Ben or are you talking to the character? I'm talking to Ben Jacob.

I'm talking to the character. Yeah, no, it wouldn't be a fun game for me because you'd immobilise me and I am a Kingsguard. Do you know what that means? For sooth? What does that mean? For fucking sooth, mate.

Do you know what that means? You're going to put a bulldog clip on the Kingsguard? Are you out of your fucking tree? What if this king that you speak of is Kit Gingerson, not your king? Kit Gingerson is indeed our king. You speak of the war father. And you walk up here all fucking dumb. And you say I want an audience with the king?

An audience, you quintet fuckheads? You piece of shit times five? What? Could you tell him? You give me a fat knack? You should tell him that... I'm not... That Friso is here.

I don't speak directly to the war father if, and this is such a big fucking if, you are going to talk to anybody, it will be Dosha the war mother. War mother? The war singer. The war singer. The war singer.

He got a girlfriend. Dosha Matriarch of the steel claw pride Hell yeah brother Yeah Kit Now I can put this up the bloody chain And see if you can talk to The war singer

What's their deal Are they Together or They are radiant as the sun itself Yeah but I mean What's their deal Oh they're fucking yeah Yeah cool

Like those two guards we saw before. Yeah. It's very... It's the Mufasa and Sarabi situation. They're solid. You've come at a good time, actually. Or a bad time, depending. They're going to be betrothed.

Oh, to marry! Yeah, in three days. It's crazy. Dang, congratulations. Have you got your present yet? Yeah, it's a big ball of yarn. Oh, fuck! Did you also get them a big ball of yarn?

Well, I saw it on the registry and I went, I'll get that. They should do a thing where when you buy it off the registry, it crosses it off the registry. I don't know why they don't do that. Yeah, but it updates only once a day because this is fantasy. It's not automatic. Oh, right. Not like Google Drive.

Yeah, there's a bird. There's a bird? It's a Rowan Atkinson bird. Yeah, there's a bird. There's a bird. It's a Rowan Atkinson bird. There's a bird. It's Zazu. There's a Mr Bean bird. And what you do is you go up to the Mr Bean bird and you go, what's left on the registry?

And he says something like, I don't know why I bother. Yeah, and then you say, cut the shit, Bean Bird. He's like, I don't know why I bother. Yeah. And then you say, cut the shit, bean bird. I've only got 15 minutes on a lunch break, bean bird. Is the yarn left? And he goes, as of this morning, the yarn hasn't been taken.

But I take a day to update. Why does the bird take a day to update? No, the bird, oh my God. The bird goes to the shop at the end of the day and says what's been bought? What? What do you want from us? What fucking planet are you on? Why don't you just go to the shop then to check?

Do you want to see the war singer or not? The War Singer or not? Is it the third guard? Or is it Dave losing his mind? Third guard? Yeah, sure, it's the guard. I've missed this, guys. I've missed us.

Yeah, no, look, hey, if you want to push the issue, we'll go see The War Singer right now. Yeah, if you're obsessed with us to push the issue, we'll go see the war singer right now. Yeah, if you're obsessed with us seeing the war singer, we'll go see her. Man, if you love us so much, why don't you just marry us? Freaking losers. We would love to see the war singer. What was her name again? Doja.

Doja Cat? Doja Cat? Did you do that on purpose? No, Doja. Doja, D-O-X-I-A. Doja Steel? Did you do that on purpose? No. Doja. D-O-X-I-A. Doja Steel Claw. A powerful warrior.

Kiss me more. You know, I don't really think I know who Doja Cat is. Why don't you have a guess? No, this is... Did I... You didn't date her, Dave. No. This is so high risk.

Wasn't it anime society hookup? Well, it's funny you say that. She's not a lesser character in Evangelion, Dave. This is really high risk, but I think I saw a picture of a half cat, half woman, sexy person, and I think that was Dosha Cat. Yes, it was. What are you talking about?

I know. I was trying to sign you back. What did you find sexy about her, Dave? I just think that you were meant to find and I support. I was like, you go, girl. When I looked at Doja Cat, I actually

saw an artist who was just trying to go about their day. Okay, that's not fair to me because I'm trying to do the right thing and what you're doing there is you're fucking me. You're fucking me right now. Anyway, I hope she really is making a great TV show or movie. Or I hope her UN job goes great. Is she a gamer? Anyway.

I think she's dabbled, but I think she's mostly known as one of the most popular singers in the world. Right. Okay, she wrote a song. Yes. She's written and performed many songs, Dave. Okay. Cool. But in our story... She's a powerful matriarch

And this is Dosha Steelclaw and as the doors Wind back on their reed hinges And the two Guards, both of them Proud barbarians of the Steelclaw pride Smack their Chest Locks They're both wearing applets into the steel cloak pride, smack their chest locks.

Their appellets. Their appellets, yeah. They're both wearing appellets. And they recede into the distance and then flank you behind you in perfect symmetry. And as they, what's the word I'm trying to think of? With the swimmers, the people that they do the thing and then they're all in acting.

Synchronized. Synchronized, in perfect synchronicity. Thank you. As they march you down a narrow corridor into a vast throne room, completely dominated by a set of white shale stairs. Leading up to those stairs is a beautiful, proud throne that looks to be made of reed and driftwood, brought at impossible distance,

such is the devotion of the Oreskes people to their war father. Currently, the throne is empty, but flanking it on its left and right are two figures. One of them, a powerful Leonine barbarian, young, with sleek and rippled muscling fur, and another old, imperious, wizened leonine matriarch dressed in the livery of the steel claw pride holding a gnarled staff with an amulet of small mouse bones and knotted string around her neck.

This must be Dosha. The cat. Bethany walks up and she bows deeply and she says, I believe you are Dosha. Yes, now good.

You're finally here. Excellent. Now listen to me because this is very important Every table needs its own floral arrangement Did you get that? Did you get that, Emma? Every table needs a different, it's themed, blooms of spring It's themed blooms of spring And she turns to the guards. No, to the

rippled. Oh yeah, to Pixios. Pixie! What? Did you tell these florists that it's the blooms of spring and it's a different arrangement on every table? They're not the fucking florists. Matriarch of the

steel claws. What? My the fucking florists. Matriarch of the steel claws. What? My name is Friso. These are my friends and acquaintances the dragon friends. We are here to celebrate your incoming nuptials and as a token of

our love for your love I would like to give you this gift which is... There was a registry. There was a registry. You need to talk to the bean bird if you want to give us a gift. This is a separate...

Getting a big gift for your wedding day. This is a pre-wedding gift. All right. What are you getting out? This gift is an enchanted pork bun. We talk... Every episode, we talk about this pork bun. Yeah.

And what do I say to you every episode? You say, you should give it to Ben, make him do the voice. You said, give it to Ben, make him do the voice is what you said. That's what I said? I don't know, Dave. I don't really listen. I've just remember... Bethany's just remembered something.

Okay. Which is that her and Kit did not leave on good terms. That she sort of left him high and dry. Mm-hmm. And so maybe he might not want to see her the day before his wedding. Is this what you're telling this to the other... Because the dragon friends don't know any of this. Yeah, but not in front of her.

So she says... Not in front of... So she says there's a registry and you say... Yes. This is why we employ the bean burden. So you don't have to come to me asking. We do have a gift. As the florists, we would like to give a complimentary floral arch.

They're not the florists. This is the guard. We are the florists, actually. You came to the door and you said you wanted to see Kit Gingerson. Yes, because we wanted our flowers to go straight to the top and for them to be approved by the groom. Pixie, I'm confused. You said they weren't the florists. No, I just assumed that

because that giant turtle has a staff and that weird looking one over there just has a malevolent look in his eye. Yeah, I've known florists to be malevolent. I would really say that they're dressed like knockabout adventurers not like some kind of flower delivery service. There's a tiefling in armour.

There's a very glowering, gothic-looking halfling over there. And that half-orc hasn't said anything since this tiefling showed up. And do you know what? Do you know what? Now that I think about it, they don't have any flowers. Gods! Gods! Gods! As she says this, there is a gong, and she looks up,

and then she looks at you, a smile, a tight and cruel smile on her moor as she says to you, Kneel, mortals, tremble before the war father as the grass does tremble against the morning wind. As you stand in the presence of kings, see him now, he that runs through the grasslands alone, he who shouts at the sun, see him, he who has been through heaven and hell and returned to his people to lead them, see him now, see the first and last of his pride, see him now. The gong rings again and there's a snarl above you as your heads whip up, but it's too low

as already there is a massive weight thumping down in front of the throne. The drums all stop on cue as that figure stands and roars, and you have to check yourselves not to take a step back in the face of an awesomely powerful, mature leonine warrior at the height of his power, as he gives you a double dose of lung. That figure is older, stronger than you last saw him, Bethany, with a huge and glorious mane,

but it is undeniably, of course, Kit Gingerson. Well, well, well. If it isn't... Don't interrupt. Sorry. Hi. Friesel. Kit.

Hello. Shut up Yep Bethany Smiles Smiles by name Smiles by name If it please the court I'll be asking the questions here

Who's he talking to? Like the king's court Or like are we in court? I don't know What's the separation of church and... Bethany, I have a number of questions for you If it please you to be here It please me

So it shall If it please the court Kit, you feeling peckish right now? Shut up Julie noted Because it seems at last that a reunion is in place here. Two beef babes a long time between drinks

and much that has been left unsaid between them when once Bethany Smiles left Kit Gingerson alone and forlorn amidst the house of a dying god in the first circle of hell in what seems like a lifetime in a rather good Twitch series ago. Oh, he's wrapping up now. At last they have been reunited,

and Orhelle and Highwater will not see again a reunion such as these, as Bethany smiles as they take on Kit Gingerson, as they decide once and for all whether both of them still want to be beef babes. To find out if they do, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah,, wap, wap, wap! Wap! Wap! Wap, wap, wap, wap! Wap, wap, wap, wap, wap! Wap, wap, wap, wap, wap!

The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing, and Tom Carty. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live in the Vanguard in Sydney

on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Until next time. Well, I think the thing I would say about this and this old tower is that you are also still standing on the floor. So you're saying you can hold a big turtle guy, whatever Bobby is. Halfling rogue. Orc.

Orc? Half orc. Yeah, half orc. Half orc. Also paladin. Mostly human. Yeah. Are you familiar with the

You've never been on an elevator, my son? Because there's a limit. It's the straw that broke the camel's You know what I mean? Like if you were loading up a camel

right? And they said well don't put any more in there, and you're saying, hang on, are you telling me this camel can take all these provisions and three guys and a tent? What am I going to do with all this straw? Yeah, and they say, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen to me.

There is a limit to how much this camel can take, and you're saying, it's just a little straw. One piece of straw. One piece of straw. What could it possibly do? And then you put it on there and you know what happens? What?

You die in the desert. Why would I die? Because the camel's back breaks and then you... Well, then you'd eat the camel. What? Then you'd eat the camel. Okay, the wood is continuing to crack.

Do a star warship, cut open the camel, live in the camel. Yeah, if anything, things are just looked up for you.