Dragon Friends - #9.04. A Single D&D Joke

Episode Date: September 24, 2023

The Dragon Friends have found their charge, the now royal Lion Kit Gingerson. Will the old wounds of betrayal run deep enough to prevent Kit from hearing out his once friends and now inferiors, or will the Dragon Friends be able to show enough tact to break through. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I want Dave to say picture if you will and then everyone to say we will! Okay? So you start it like that. Yeah, scroll up. You go picture if you will and then they go we will and then you go into your dumb little thing. Okay? But we'll all listen extra hard. Extra hard because we'll be so energised. Okay, ready? Here we go. Here we go.

It's going to be great. It's actually going to be great. And we're going to do it every time. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Picture if you will.

We will! A proud leonine warrior, true and noble specimen of his race, We will! With nothing, he who rose to the august power of speaker and war father of the assembled tribes of the Oreskes. He who dances with wolves, he who shouts at the sun. He who at last sees once again his former compatriot and one-time betrayer, Bethany Smiles. Well, well, well. Bethany, if I may ask you some questions,

if I were to say the word beef to you, what would you think of? What would you think of? Perhaps you'd think of the flesh of cattle. Meat often consumed by the general populace. An everyday word.

A word you might hear two or three times a day, especially at a beef restaurant. Probably more. He's been rehearsing this for a while. I'll ask the questions. But perhaps that word has an extra meaning when

coupled with another word. Bourbignon! Bourbignon! Babe, in common parlance, what we might Bobignon! Babe, ain't coming parlance. What we might call a hottie or an actual baby. Thank you sweetie.

What did you say? I said thank you sweetie. Dosia blows you a kiss. Tosha blows you a kiss. When these two words, beef and babe, are placed in that precise order, one after the other... Chills! I got chills! What does it make you think of? Does it make you think of...

loyalty? Friendship? Or even love? For me, personally, one time it did, but as I look at you, I see Bethany smiles and

those two words evoke betrayal, greed, downright Choke. Betrayal. Greed. Downright just bad behaviour. A poor attitude. All the words are popping up on a PowerPoint behind him as he's saying this. Yeah, he's had a lot of time to plan this and he's hired a local wizard to create a compelling audiovisual display display there's a red circle of carpet that kid is giving this speech on like

it's a ted talk there's a troupe of about six leonine dancers who are doing a movement piece to this entire speech and you can see there's a very obviously like a sort of cable thing because he's gonna fly Right through the kinetic text. Saying that Bobby was so upset that he wasn't able to fly that Simon's other character, Tim, has now rigged himself into the rafters to fly. Bethany Smiles, I present you to the court.

Court, this is Bethany Smiles. Everybody, boo! No, no, no, no, no. Let us reserve our judgment. For we know that Bethany Smiles

is a warrior. She is a paladin. Is she a paladin? Yes. This was your best friend? But, who is Bethany Smiles? And more importantly, where has Bethany Smiles been these past many years?

Many years. And at that moment he flies into the air as the kinetic text explodes into brilliant pieces of confetti. 70 drones fly up. And 12 very thin, very hot leonine dancers all form the shape of a perfect swan that rises into the air and dies. All the dancers die? At the end of it. Because they can't fly.

Yeah, no, no, no. It's like the culmination of their work. It's kind of like the menu. They just kill themselves. Oh, come on. Oh, spoilers. I'll tell you where I have been. Where have you been?

That's what you say at the end of all of that. Obviously, obviously he's talking to Bethany, but you at that point I'm afraid there's being like a chorus where he's getting into it. Yeah, I'm getting in. He's like, I'll tell you where you've been. Where have you been? Oh, he's beastie boising you. Darling, are you going to let him beastie boise you in front of

my son? I always think he was more of a Rodney Dangerfield situation. He's Rodney Dangerfield-ing you. Please, take my wife. That's Groucho Marx. Bethany, hung as he is, suspended over all of you in an uncomfortable flying harness. He's staring daggers at you.

And also the circulation in his shoulders is slowly cutting off. Where have I been? You ask this of me? There's a squeaky winching wheel sound as he's lowered down in front of the throne again. And then she gestures for the spotlight guy to put it on her. Well, may you ask, Kit Gingerson, for I in my darkest hour Had to face the gods

There's a leonine keyboard player in the corner as well Thank you Jeremy Yes perfect And in my darkest hour I could not bring my best friend with me Because I knew Once you saw that darkness And in my darkest hour, I could not bring my best friend with me. Because I knew, once you saw that darkness, you would not return. What darkness? I saw Friso!

The darkest person that we have ever, in our lives, ever met. If I can put up with this motherfucker right here. You think I couldn't at least hear what you had to say? I had an audience with the guards. Twice I rebuffed the charity of the guards. They offered me this on a silver platter. And I said, my place is with my family. It's with my family. And when I returned,

my family, my friends, had disappeared. Whoa, how did he turn into birds? I'm down here. Oh, shit. And Doja goes... It's a very good theatrical effect. Doja goes, that was so good, and she hands him a drink bottle

and dabs at his brow. And then I go, oh, they had confetti on fans and then they turned the fans on. That's clever. I will tell you, you speak to me of family. I will tell you the true meaning of beef babes.

Beef, as in blood. And babes, as in family. We are more than friends. We are bound by blood, and I said vamp, Jeremy Nice Well, we come from Aladdin Wrong Disney movie All I say to you is this

We are bound by blood And sometimes with family You have to let them go on their own journey I'm sorry that it hurt you. I truly am. But I come back to you now with a weight that wears down on both of our backs. The only weight on my back is this harness. He shrugs it off.

I return to tell you that the time has come for us to and then she gestures to the dragon friends to cover their ears. Probably kill the dragon friends. That's them. Alright, you can uncover your ears now. What was all that about?

But first, we must break the curse and then you may go your separate ways If you wish to not be friends with me Or break your tie with me as your family Then you shall go on But for now We must join together

Kit roars He lets loose his leonine roar Your special bonus ability And is he still wearing his mic? Because that's going to affect how loud it is The sound guy's like We just bloody did the syllabus Your special bonus ability. And is he still wearing his mic? Because that's going to affect our loudness. It's going to blow it right out. It's going to blow right out. The sound guy's like, oh, we just bloody did this. Charisma check.

That's a 19. All right, 19. Everyone, the entire assembled court will take a step back as their first and proudest speaker roars. In this moment, you can command them to do whatever you want. Clear the court, except for these prisoners. Yeah, and except for me Except for these prisoners

For I am about to unleash a punishment So cruel and twisted I would hate for my people to see me like this Being so just Yes, but King Bad and mean. And I fear you'd lose respect for me. I wouldn't lose respect for you.

Please, I mean, I can stay. Honey, allow me this. And such is the power of your apex charisma that the entire room clears as all of the leonine file out until it is just you, the dragon friends,

and Bethany and Gribbets, your goblin lawyer. Game, I really do think I have broken my knee. I don't know if any sort of lion doctors can look into that. He's getting very pale. You've made him walk for quite a while. A tremendous amount of pain, just like blacking in and out. But no one has eyes for Gribbets. So Kit is like pushing people out the door

and sort of shouting, as he's shouting it behind him, he's like, and such pain as you will feel a thousand searing knives upon your... And he like slams the door shut and he's like, howdy guys.

It's a fine coincidence you ever joined me here on this day. You have to get me out of here. Kit, Kit what's going on buddy? Can I just say, you really out fit those guys. Yeah, it's, I, it's a whole thing. I truly am their warrior king, but... What have you been using on your hair? It looks amazing.

It's a whole thing. But that doja who I am to be married to in nigh on four days, three days. two in the nigh on four days, three days. Now, someone less delicate than me may use the term crazy pussy, which would be apt in a number of ways. I, of course, would never say anything like that. But truly, I fear for my life. Why?

Well, I mean, there's a whole political thing going on here. Once I'm the king, she's married to me. Her son will be next in line. To become the king you have to eat the heart of the previous king. I mean, I did it. It's not pleasant, but You ate the heart of the previous

king? Yeah, and he was really old. Yeah, it he was really old. Yeah, it was tough. Did you have to kill him or did you go to a restaurant and order it? How did it work? I pulled it from his chest. I've had a dark couple of years. I mean, some of that stuff I said before, Bethany, I'm serious. It hurt.

What hurt? Betrayal, friendship lost, etc, etc. Just to be clear though, that's mostly aimed at Bethany and not me, Freezer. I mean, you disappeared without a trace even before her, if I'm to be remembering correctly. Well, I don't know if that is correct. I think actually what happened was I... Went to a magic library, stole a bunch of spells and disappeared? Is that what happened?

It's so funny we're talking about unbearable pain. Well, kid, I have a way to get you out of here. Do tell. It's a little thing called flight. Bobby, steam comes out of his ears. He's been fucking around with the... He's trying to get himself up. I have the ability to grant one person flight

when I cast it on myself. So you could... We could cast it on you and you could fly far away and not murder me, one of the dragon friends. So that's an option to you if you'd like to do that. Murder the dreams? This is the woman in the dark in the dreams beckoning me to my... This is that? You see her too?

Now that you get closer, you can see that there are, even though he looks so proud and sleek and strong, there are deep circles under Kit Gingerson's eyes. I mean, this is fur. And so to be able to see dark circles, that's something. It's not mascara, if that's what you're asking. Some of it is mascara. Some of it is cold. Some of it is cold.

You know Jason Momoa? But also, it is now for months getting stronger and stronger. You have not been able to sleep. Partly because you are scared of the power that Dosha has over the court, over you, over her plans to usurp you and take your place, over the harm that she could do to those that you still love in this land, if she is allowed to rule. But also at night, deep at night, every night you find yourself walking on a desert shore

in a river towards a woman in a veil. And every night you get closer and every night it seems that she is about to turn. And last week in your dreams she began to turn. And you know that soon you will see the face of Listeria Obstrix and you will be damned for all time in the ninth circle of hell. Yes, we have no time. I see her too. There's a banging on the door.

Kitten! Kitten! Are you done, you know, dishing out a horrible punishment because we have the Waltz rehearsal. The Waltz rehearsal. Yes, sugar puss. And he goes and opens it and he's like, keep this on, my dear.

We're going to work it out. Oh, doja delight of my life. Ya-da-da-da. Ya-da-da-da. I love the boogie. I love the nightlife. Let's, uh,

now, as an addendum to the punishment, psychic that dished out to these cretinous beards. Oh, yeah, they look like shit.

What further humiliation could I dwell upon them than to serve me as toilet servants? These are my new litter... One of the lines is like, I'm sorry.

You want them to serve you as toilet servants. These are my new litter men. They are to wipe and pamper me. But literal toilet servants. Yeah. This is what... Do we all get toilet servants?

I am your king. Only I deserve such pampering of the butthole. But you have toilet servants and they're union men. And they shall become managers. They don't work with management. That's the whole point. Surely internally they have some sort of management system who creates the rosters.

They don't do it themselves. It would be chaos. Surely there's someone in a position who's making decisions, allocating roles, et cetera, et cetera. Look, I'm the... Look, the fact of the matter is that we barely got everything under control

as it is with the wedding. It's a punishment. I ate some bad lobsters and that is my decree. Yes, we will take them away. That's very, very smart and not weird. To be toilet servants. Take them away.

I need them on hand because I've got a bad tummy. Mum, just let me eat his heart. I swear to God he's losing it. No, it's fine. We can make use of these people. It's fine. We have the wedding rehearsal in a day. We'll find something

for them to do and then they can be toilet servants. Dave, for instance, I would like to do and then they can be toilet servants. Dave, Friso would like to do a law check. Is that like a history check? Like a culture check? What would it be? Law? No, history. History. Friso is going to roll a history check. Do you want to ask the question first? Do you want to know about the bluffs of chance? I want to know about the

Leonide people. Yeah, yeah, great. Make for me a history check. We'll call it DC 16. 16. That's history is plus 7, so 14 plus 7 is 21. What do you want to know, Hank? I would like to know if the ceremony that involves

the eating of a king's heart to become king, I would like to know if that's open to only Leonides or anyone. The Leonide custom dictates, and it has been this way since the sundering of the nine known worlds,

that if whoever eats the heart of the king, whoever stands in the seat of grass and song, the fortress that you are, and in front of the assembled clans, eats the heart of the king, shall be king. And it has always been a Leonine warrior, but there is nothing to say that it has to be. So in the rules, if we check the rules... You've air-butted this.

Well done. There's nothing in the rules that says... There's nothing in the rules that says... That a potentially Chinese person can be king of the line. Can't play baseball. So, yes, oh, we would so... That wasn't out loud, by the way. That wasn't out loud. But this way. That wasn't out loud.

But this is. But this is. Freezo says, yeah. That wasn't out loud. You didn't hear what I was thinking, okay? No one heard what I was thinking. I'm Freezo. Oh, we would...

Oh, wouldn't we... Oh, we would just hate to have to wipe that guy's bum hole for a job. Yes, that's why it's such a good punishment. That's why he's so wise. Me would hate to look at that big strong line, but... Kit has been, by the way, taken away by six buff dudes who are taking him to his bachelor party, so... But first the Waltz rehearsal!

No, no, no, Dosh is still there. The Waltz rehearsal is in an hour. Okay. So he's going toz rehearsal is in an hour. Okay. So he's going to his bachelor party for an hour? And also, actually, do you know what? It's an hour-long bachelor party, yeah. It sucks.

It's really... It's one round of axe throwing. It's 20 minutes of axe throwing and then 15 minutes of laser tag. And the rest of that is the safety briefings for both So, I mean But, next to Dosha is a small bird With a big beak, I suppose And a clipboard Would you say that he maybe hasn't served a king with quite so little hair? And he has Let me tell you

He has a withering look as if he would be anywhere else right now Yeah, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Well, well, well, it looks like... Are you here for the registry? Because the yarn is gone. There's a laser pointer available. And also a little wind-up mouse. I was wondering...

It cost a thousand gold credits. Is the catnip still available? The catnip was gone long ago. No, no, Zazuziacs. These mortals are to work for you as part of their punishment, their great humiliation for the war father. Oh, brother. Anyway, I have to go to a waltz,

a solo waltz rehearsal. So goodbye. Has she got her hour-long hens night? Yeah, she's got her hour-long hens night. She's going to drink from a big penis straw? Yeah. It's 12 minutes of drinking from a big penis straw. Is it a cat penis?

Come on, Dave. What? Why are you take your glasses off? That was a funny joke from an enemy. That was a funny joke and that actually

had the exact same ratio as Appalettes but completely different people. There was no crossover. But now we've

got them all? We've got them all. Dosia is gone. All 40% of them. Dosia's gone and in her absence Zazuziacs is looking at Well not Gribbets

Because he's passed out on the floor But at Filge At Frizo At Bobby And at Bethany But also at Logan This has come at an opportune time I'll be honest with you

The wedding rehearsal is tomorrow And several of our staff Have come down with bad arsehole. Oh, no. Are we still doing the toilet cleaner thing? Well, before you clean the toilets, you can fill in for them. You want me to poop in the toilets?

No, I don't want you to do anything with the toilets. Some sort of toilet tester, I guess. I mean, it takes all time. I can literally hear people in the audience groaning. I just want to be clear about that. What do you want us to do? What's the job? Be specific.

I need clear direction. Well, we we have the wedding rehearsal tomorrow night. Total. Yeah. Do you have any skills?

Absolutely. Well. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I'm pretty good with magic. I can go into my shell and... That's not magic. That's just going to a place.

They were two separate things. I can go over there. Yeah. Well, great. That's not a trick. I was saying they were two separate things. I can go over there. Yeah, well, great. That's not a trick. I was saying there were two separate things. All right. Well, hang on.

Is one of your skills just going into your shell? Can you go into your shell? Touché. You shall be the entertainment. You. Which one of me are you looking at? Big dumb one. Oh, yeah.

Can you wait? Forever. Forever. Filch takes a tactical second to reply. How was that? Me could do longer. You are security. It means you failed at being a waiter, unfortunately.

Anyone else with the ability to maybe mix drinks or serve or you understand what a wedding rehearsal requires? Do you need a celebrant? Well, the celebrant was one of the people who had a bad arsehole. I'm not registered. It's a rehearsal, it doesn't matter. Yeah, great, I'm registered. You know what, you were raised in the light of Mystra in a temple.

In the temple. So yeah, you probably could do a service to the god of magic if you needed to. I can marry people. Are you engaged? Yes. Do you want to get married right now? Yes. Where's your partner?

Over there. Hello. Is it a walrus? Yes. Yeah. A bird and a walrus Hey, don't dodge How did you guys meet?

On a boat I'm a sea captain And I Why would a walrus And a walrus and a sea captain Because a walrus can clearly already swim as far as it wants to go But I can't carry more than two people on my back So I thought, why not

get a boat and I can ferry all number of people around. And you're a bird. You can fly. Yes. You're the boat. I was lost. He shows up on my poop deck, panting and huffing and puffing like you wouldn't believe.

And I'm like, can't you fly? He's like, but I'm very tired. I've been flying in circles. Oh, you love telling this believe. And I'm like, can't you fly? He's like, but I'm very tired. I've been flying in circles. Oh, you love telling this story. And so I say, tell him what I say. He says to me, tell him how I say it.

With his eyes all agoo-goo. Like love hearts. And his tusks erect. Erect tusks. He says, aren't you just the prettiest bird on my poop deck? That's crazy. And then he says, not yet. Give it time.

Buy a girl a drink first. I say that. So he buys me a drink, and we, goodness me, we fuck. So late into the night. That's such a beautiful story, because I saw a YouTube video one time where a walrus ate a bird just straight out of the air,

like, humph. It was pretty close, let me tell you. Okay, entertainer, security, celebrant, which leaves Bobby and Bethany. Anyway, I now pronounce you legally married. That's the most beautiful vows I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, they just start really noisily making out. They just start going at it.

And Bobby and I shall dress the groom because we are really good at doing bow ties. Okay, fine, I don't care. Right, so Bethany and Bobby are going to go dress the groom. But in the meantime, you return to the arse wipers area. The tastefully appointed arse wipers area. The tastefully appointed arse wipers quarters. Okay, it's a really nice room.

I don't know why they call it that. It's their union, guys. It's actually really good. It's like a vending machine and the cokes are like $19.94 prices. You know what I mean? It's like a dollar a coke. There's a really cheap vending machine and there's good TV and there's a DVD lending library. Because it's like a union place, is There's a really cheap vending machine. And there's good TV. And there's a DVD lending library. Because it's like a union place.

Is there like a doctor we can see? Yep. Fine. Is there like just a room I can... Is there like a library I can just go hang out in? There's a lending library. I'm going to go to the library, Dave. And can Friso check out that mystical book that he got?

Yeah, if you want to, sure. So he got a mystical spell book that he stole. You got the spell book of Corbin the Ninth Black Star. You don't need to go to a library to read a book that you already... Yeah, you can read that anywhere. It's apropos. I feel like, what, you're going to read it on a toilet or something? It's a mystical book.

Yeah, no one's ever read a book on a toilet before. No, but this is a special book. What, you're going to have the Book of Kells and take that into the shitter, are you? Maybe. This is like a thousand years old. Guess what, Michael? You're not the fucking boss

of Tom Carty. And unfortunately, Michael, because you've chosen to do this at the library, it's a small library, there's a narrow bench and you can wedge yourself in between two people,

one of whom is reading like a heavily thumbed light piece of, it's kind of light erotica. And the other one who's reading a Naruto trade paperback. And they're both called Dave. Got him! Got him!

Witcher! Dead! Sorry, Shaggy. The kid's growing up without a dad because that killed Dave. Killed him stone dead. Time of death. That was crazy, Dave. That was like one sentence really,

but still was two insults for you. It was like, honestly, it's the most efficient bullying I've ever done. Yeah, you know what? The spellbook's blank. Oh, no, Dave. Honestly, I know you don't mean that because that wouldn't be part of the rich world you're building.

No respect. I have no respect. Maybe you have to piss on it to reveal the secret ink. Is that what's happening, Dave? Is that what you're doing? Is it? No, not until you say so. No, you're going to stand up on the desk.

Oh, I think it's a good idea. Are you going to piss on that spell book in front of those two Daves? They've seen worse. It's actually one of the chapters in the Light Erotica. No, David, is the spell book blank? The spell book? No, it's not blank. It's not blank.

Are you going to read it? Yeah, I'm going to have a little squiz. All right. You flick it, open tool, and you see, turning page after page, more and more powerful spells. It seems a complete library, a catalogue of all of the most powerful warlock spells known and unknown, all the spells you know, but also all the spells you don't.

As you get more and more excited, you flick the pages quicker and quicker and quicker and make for me a dexterity save because 12 pages in, there is a glyph of blasting, a trap for one who would steal a spellbook for one as powerful as Corbin. So this is dexterity? It makes you blast. Saving throw, yeah.

That's a 15 plus dexterity. Saving, so plus threes. 18. Plus one bonus on saves. 19. 19? Yeah. You snap the book shut at the last second.

I want you to write this down because I'm not going to remind you again, but on the 12th page of this spellbook is a glyph that will make the entire spellbook explode. You can, at any time, if you can get a night off, and remember, you can't get a knight off at the moment because you are currently on a punishment detail, but if you can get a knight off to study it, you can take any warlock spells. You can replace your entire catalogue of spells

and get as many spells of your maximum level. Big improvement for Freezo. And I just need to not look at that 12th page. You just need to not work for eight, well, yes, but also you need to not work for an 8 hour night You have to get a night off Okay So you can't do it right now

But you can do it at any other time Unless you join the union Oh yeah you're also going to need a library card Now while you are doing that What about the rest of you? So we're in our arse wiping quarters Well yeah you're in this tastefully appointed arse wiping quarters. You have a second to yourselves.

I'm practising card tricks because I refuse to do actual magic as an entertainer. Are you good at card tricks? No. So you're going to do every card trick you can learn in the hour before you go on stage. Yeah, so most of them involve just guessing over and over until I get the card right. And that'll take, yeah, 52 times maybe. Well, if you're exceptionally

unlucky. And I am. Yeah. Are there any guards or anyone to talk to? Yeah, there's a guard that's been posted outside your door to make sure that you don't leave until the wedding. I think we should try and find out some information from him about what this political situation is.

Great, you can sidle up to the door. It's not locked. So I sidle the hell up to him. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. The war singer said that you're to work to practice, that you're not to leave, that you're to help Zazuziacs with the wedding. Oh, yes, that's what we were doing. And we'll also... I just wanted to know, that you're not to leave, that you're to help Zazuziacs with the wedding. Oh yes, that's what we're

doing and we'll also, I just wanted to know, first of all... The war singer said you might try to trick me. Not at all. Does the king prefer scrunch or fold? What? Does the king prefer a scrunch or a fold technique for his ass wiping? But we're helping

on the wedding. That punishment is to come later. Well, I'm sorry if I'm organised and I like to plan ahead. But also, I feel like we got off this riff and you're bringing us back into this riff. I was going to move off it pretty quickly. Freezer silence up and goes, I think traditionally

cats just sort of lick it up, don't they? Oh, no. No, see, now we're back on the riff. I did not invite this riff. You said the riff and now Hing's got to get in on the riff. Anyway. Back at the rehearsal, no. No, see, now we're back on the riff. I did not invite this trip. You said the riff and now Hing's got to get in on the riff. Anyway. Back at the rehearsal, Dave. Yes, we're to help with the wedding and we do wish to do a good job. So, you...

Zazuziak says if you need any equipment, any materials that you need for the wedding, we are to assist you, but I cannot let you leave. Well, we will need some more cards because... I'm going to need those small red foam balls. Yeah. And a fake thumb

but don't tell anyone. Alright, no. I'm going to go to the local Leonine Magic Shop and get you some small red balls Foam.

Foam balls, a card and a fake thumb. Yeah, but the thumb is going to be big and hairy with a claw coming out of it. It's got to be exactly the right shade of green. Fine, we'll send Jeremy, but I can only send him out once.

Okay, for the ceremony with the celebrants. You need more things? I will need a good luck, a stone of good luck, please. A magical stone of good luck? Yes. Why? Why would you possibly need that? It's a gift for the couple. They'll send them on their happy way.

The celebrant gives them a gift? And I need a banoffee pie. And a banoffee pie. And some pornography. And some pornography. All right. Hang on. I feel like you're saying that to distract me from what he said.

No, no. It's all on the list. Just write it down. Well, I've written it all down. All right. Okay, Jeremy, here you go. All right. I need you to run, Jeremy. Run like you've never run before.

Weirdly, there's a shop that will sell all this stuff. Great. So he's not interested. But you have money. You're going to need money. I mean, that's going to cost a lot of money, especially the luck stone. Yeah, but we're employees. No, you're freelancers.

We're meant to pay for the wedding. You're not employees. You're freelancers. You can put it in your invoice. You're freelancers. Take it out of petty cash. You're petty cash. It's your petty cash. You're meant to in your invoice. You're freelancers. Take it out of petty cash. Your petty cash. It's your petty cash.

You're meant to be doing this. Oh, this is tiresome. I'm bored of this, so I'm going to get out the deck of many things. Because this distraction isn't working. Okay. And I'm going to draw a card. I just want to be clear. Maybe he'll die by coins.

Okay, well, you... I feel like... I think you've already used coins, haven't you? I don't think you... You have, certainly, you have hundreds of gold coins, but I'm worried that you don't respect the deck of many things because you were very lucky the first time you drew something from it. I will remind you again, this is a powerful magic item

that Corbin the Black Staff had in his tower. And I've actually since bought a copy of the Tarokan deck. So you can draw a card if you want, but these are no takesy backsies, and they will, some of them are pretty bad.

It's pronounced Tabaxi, babe. Are you proud of me? I made a joke. I made a good one. You made a D&D joke. Congratulations. Pretty good, Alex. Pretty good. Now, you can draw one a day, and you haven't drawn one for today.

This is a good idea, everyone. It could be bad. Wait, did you shuffle it? You can cut the deck. Get Hing to cut the deck for you. I would love to. I trust Hing. What would you like to draw?

No, Hing. Dealing from the bottom of the deck, Hing. Okay, pick a card, any card. Not that one. Oh, Talons. Talons. Talons. Talons.

That looks nice. The card of Talons. Now, it does look quite sharp and like it would scratch your eyes out because it is Talons. All right. Oh, fuck. The wind starts to whip around you As the As the leonine Stands bolt upright

Looking at you in horror He draws back Wordlessly And starts To whimper Before he runs Looking at you Looking at you panicked

One more time And runs away From you as fast as he can For a second you think That this is very very impressive Before you notice Oh I hope she turns into a bird Is something glowing

In first of all, your armour and then moving around your body. And can I ask, as this strange force of this ancient magical item hits you, what magic items do you have on you at the moment? Oh, none of your business. What magical items do I have on me? Does Filge have? No, wait, am I?

No, you gave the Tarot deck to Filch. Yes, sir, I gave it to Filch. I've got Thunder's Wake. Yes, your powerful mace. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. I think that's it, Dave. I think that you have that, and I think that you also have... Oh, no, that's's right you don't have much

stuff do you alright just thunder's wake that's great well you see the glow as it settles on thunder's wake you suddenly look at it as it starts to glow and then it starts to get heavy and hot and then you think you hear a dollar cracking sound and now for me in front of

everyone here roll a six or thunder's Wake is destroyed. On which dice? A six-sided dice. And how many can I have? One. It's a six or two missing. There is a crack. It's a or two missing. There is a crack.

It's a four, Dave. There is another crack. There is a doling of a bell somewhere far away as every magic item that you own. And only out of the fact that your friends don't share, you only lose one, but you lose a powerful relic. As Thunder's Wake is destroyed forever, shards of hot giant steel falling on the ground,

ruined and useless. And Filge is now without a weapon, but the guard, panicking at the sound of ancient, powerful magic, has run away. You happy? And Filge kicks the wall. It's Reed, so it just kicks open and there's like two union men on the other side who are sort of playing cards. Hey, we're on break.

Oh, wow. Filch. Oh, this is stupid. Would you like a new weapon? Oh, yes, but no. It's going to be a trick. Me know you, Freezo. You can trick me.

You don't have to trick at all. Forget it. I'll sell you my weapon. What have you got? I've got the Nine Lives Steel Sword. But if you ever roll a 20 on it, it'll kill whoever you want, whoever you're attacking. Okay.

How much you want for it? I don't know. 1,500 gold coins? Well, I've only got 1,400. Why? Grimace has got 80 of that. You're looking at Bethany's character sheet. Oh.

Oh, how about this? Me give you 500 bucks for it. Bethany's like, I'll take it. I'll take that action. No, no, no. You're trying to kill me, aren't you, Bethany? Aren't you? Alright, Fields, I'll just sell it to you for all of your money. What have you got? 400 gold pieces? Yeah, 400. Wait.

Okay, yeah. I'll take 400 gold pieces. Alright. And you get the nine lives stealer sword. Nine lives stealer sword. Phil just back, baby. Panting Jeremy arrives having... Hi, I've got some carp and balls. Do you have the thumb?

Yeah, man, it was the last one they had. I hope it's the right shade of green. Jeremy. Yeah. Did you tell anyone about it? No. You're a good man. Okay, I can't.

I was. He fucking just punches him in the stomach as hard as he can. And the banoffee pie just falls face down on the floor. And Bobby's like, no. You never tell anyone about the thumb, Jeremy. I was making conversation. Why is that the first thing you go to, Jeremy? Because I had a big turtle thumb.

And they were like, what's that for? What do you want? Jeremy. Here's your pornos. What kind of porn is it? Oh, real crook stuff. And here's your stone. Thank you so much.

It actually is. It's a magical luck stone Beautiful I gotta go to the hospital Your red balls as well And oh And here's the receipt It was quite expensive

It was 480 gold coins And he gives you the receipt I think Bethany's kind of in charge Of all the invoicing in our trip And Phil picks up Jeremy by the ankles. He's very small. And shakes him upside down. Yep, taffy comes out.

He's got a lot of loose taffy in him. Drops him in a bin. Oh, okay. And closes the lid. Yep. And says, let's go find Kid Genderson. Oh, okay. And closes the lid.

Yep. And says, let's go find Kid Genderson. And no one can call that a mugging because threats were never issued. But great. All right. So you very carefully close the lid. Anyone want that taffy? No, let's use the taffy to seal the bin.

Oh, everybody start chewing. All right, great. Wonderful. So you very slowly and time-consumingly lock a small child inside a bin. And hopefully that's the last we see of him because soon you make your way now empowered by your new magic items, your new riches, your new poverty, and your various... By magical items you mean the thumb. The thumb. Yeah, I mean the thumb.

Keep it safe. keep it secure. Keep it safe, yes, good one. As you make your way out, and you can see that already the wedding rehearsal is almost in place with Zazuziacs, the strange bird party planner, hopping excitedly from leg to leg while Leonine butlers lay out tasteful tablecloths

over some hastily assembled tables around the throne room now of course it'll look very different on the day this is doja no no this is azuziak's talking to doja yeah it'll look very different on the day i'm telling you you know the florists haven't arrived yet so there'll be beautiful blooms on every flower on every table i should say but i'll tell you what, when you see the tables, you'll say, that's a flower. I misspoke. But also, as to your specifications, there are fireworks rigged at each of the four points of the room. Controlled by the booth upstairs.

controlled by the booth upstairs. There's also the band, which will be there, but they're not here today. Again, union, it's fine. Yes, I hope this is all wonderful to your specifications. She looks at him, sniffs, and sits down at the central table. A second later, Kit Jensen arrives, streaming in with a party of very

excited-looking young lions, some of their fur matted by paintball shot. As they all take seats, more and more of the court start to stream in as the five of you make your way towards the Zuziaks. Ah, the Zuziak. You remember, I mean, this is

my wife to be's big affair, but my one request, that the band play Tom Thumping by Chumbawamba. Absolutely. It was a difficult and ancient text to find, but I believe I have tracked it down. Kit,

Doja, would you like to go through your vows now? Oh, I thought I'd just wing it, you know I thought I'd just go Oh, what a lovely man this cat is You know, that sort of thing I think often Keep your eyes at everyone as if to say

You see what I mean? I think often a great thing you can do In your wedding Is in your vows Just enunciate all your partner's biggest weaknesses. Oh, that sounds like fun. Like allergies or like things that they're scared of or like I guess bits of, like bits that you could put a bulldog clip on.

So if you guys want to do that now, it'd be nice for everyone to listen to that You're trying to convince her to Tell you a secret Alright make for me a persuasion check Persuasion Oh fuck yeah I'm so good at persuasion Dave

People that are good at persuasion don't say that I was saying that to you Dave I wasn't saying that as Freezo That's a 15 plus 6 is 21 It's a pretty plus 6 is 21. It's a pretty good laugh. Thank you so much. A little goblin in the corner there. I want to see a cat with a bulldog clip on it. Dosha's

face cracks into a wizened smile as she looks. How droll. How fun. How fun. Okay, I'll start. My darling kit. Everyone in the assembled crowd is quiet. There is no sound except for the dulcet tones of Chumbawamba As Logan frantically sweating is dropping cards in the middle distance I guess not

I get up again Everybody knows you as the big alpha But they probably don't know that you are a massive wuss when it comes to chilli. Is this the sort of thing that... This is perfect. I'll never forget the first time that we met and you told me that you were mortally afraid of heights

and I said, what a pussy. Which was a pun. And I didn't know at the time. And if you could just sort of enunciate any kind of particular allergies that kid has. Except to commitment. Am I right, ladies? And at that point, all the ladies will say,

yeah. All the girls will come in from the hen's night. They're like, yes. But penicillin. Love you. And then I'll sit down. That's so great. That's all I need.

All right. And what about. You only need vows from one of them. Yeah, that's how it works nowadays. And then Bethany's like, don't you want. I thought this was to get the vulnerabilities of. Oh, her. We're trying to kill her! Yes.

Kit, if you would like to go now? Uh... Doja. Taxi! Nah, I'll probably say something different. Uh, when I first... She sips a white wine spritzer. When I first met you sips a white wine spritzer. When I first met you,

you were drunk. Very, very drunk. Must have been somebody else. Is this the same character as the previous scene? Who knows? And, uh... I learned that you were ambitious, ruthless, terrifying. A true woman of the Steel Claw Clan.

and with any weaknesses without any weaknesses at all except pride okay yeah that's like nice poetic and stuff but I guess we were probably looking for more like it's nice to make you both vulnerable to each other

so if she's like I don't know got a bung knee or something or a you can say it it's she's like, I don't know, got a bung knee or something or a... You can say it, it's fine. It's something I haven't heard before. She loves her child more than she loves me. Okay, I would say that's overshot now because that's like too full on and everyone's feeling like, aren't we all feeling a bit weird now? I've got to say, the room for a wedding rehearsal,

the room is getting quite strange. The energy is... Nobody is liking this. In fact, many would say that the biggest relationship she has is with the game of politics. She cares for nothing more than to

ruthlessly reach the top of the royal court. Are you trying to offend her? What's the game here so I understand? Yeah, I'm really trying to throw the wedding.

You're trying to throw the wedding? A little bit. Alright, make for me an intimidation check, let's call it. You're going to intimidate her into not marrying you. That's how it works, right? Yeah, of course.

18 plus, I don't know, what's... You're not intimidating her so that you cow her. You're trying to get her to rise to this argument. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Intimidation plus six. Yeah, yeah. So that's 24. She bristles and looks at you and you

and everybody in the room is suddenly realising that this isn't... With my son and the politics of the room, I was talking about you being allergic to chilli and penicillin. This isn't in the spirit of the thing. Have you thought this... Have you been bottling all this up inside that maybe you should have said something before I arranged for Chumbawamba themselves to come as a surprise for you.

Do you know how hard it was? Three of them are dead. When was the last time we had a private date without your son present in the room? He's got good vibes. Good vibes. Conversation sparkles and picks his present. At least I can say for you with your dour, bloody, that's what you sound like.

I am your king. Well, you're a big knob. The steel floors in the room, about a quarter of the room snarl and they rise to their feet, kicking over tables as they see their war singer and pride mother being disrespected. You know, I don't even, you know, it's not even worth it being married

to you for six months before I bloody knock you off. Shakiz! I knew it! Knock you off your pedestal of self-loathing and into the warm embrace of self-confidence.

That's got to be a post-check or something. That's a deception verse, you say. Charisma, post-charisma checks. 16 verse 7. The crowd is eating out of the hands of their war father. Take this lioness away. As two proud members of the seat grab for the shoulders of the war singer,

Pixius snarls and stands to his mother's side, but she holds up her hand and she says, We'll get knocked down! Oh my God, don't look at me when you say this. But we'll get up again. They're never going to keep us down, Pixie. No. And as she glares at the guards with the respect afforded and owed to her,

they don't take her arm and instead proud and imperious. They give her a whiskey drink. They give her a drogman drink. In one claw and a lager drink in the other as... She, under the locomotion of her own two legs, escorts herself unfettered out the door, realising that she has made her play. But something has shifted.

The court is now on the side of kit jingerson and her son at least for now shall not be speaker but these steel claws will not soon forget this insult the wedding may be off but a greater war may yet tear this proud tribe apart as it seems that Kit Gingerson, most eminent bachelor, is once more not to be married, free to his own agency, able to take what adventures he pleases as he looks at Bethany, the dragon friends,

and makes his plans to follow them even as the three surviving members of Chumbawamba stand awkwardly behind a curtain unsure at this point if they should even come in. We're going to get paid regardless so I'm not sure.

It's fine. To find out what happens in the next episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee Simon Greiner Michael Hing and Tom Carty

our dungeon master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot Shakira Khan is our producer

the podcast is edited mixed and mastered by me Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Boro Nation.

Until next time. You know what? I was actually thinking about this today because there was this episode of Rove when I was a kid where two people offered to, like, they got $10,000 for getting a tattoo on their bum. One of them said scrunch and one of them said fold.

And I was literally thinking about this today, thinking about all episodes of Rove. Then I remembered how one time he did a show in somebody's backyard and I was like how would you organise to get that into somebody's backyard? And yeah. What about the time Still looking for a job are we Simon?

What about the time where he asked Kevin Rudd who he would turn gay for? It is easily, I think, probably the greatest moment in Australian broadcasting. So, for our international listeners... Was he Prime Minister at this point? Australian icon, Rove McManus, asked on his talk show, the Prime Minister of Australia,

something he asked all his guests, which is who would you turn gay for? Truly the nightmare scenario for any comms officer. Yeah, but they had years to prepare this. This was something he did every single week. He always asked. He had like five questions that he always asked. And Alex, who did Kevin Rudd say he would turn gay for? He said, my wife, Therese.

And he didn't even do the Borat voice. He said he would turn gay for his wife, Therese. I love this goddamn country.