Dragon Friends - #9.05. Dank Boom

Episode Date: October 8, 2023

All they had to do was search the house. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, hello, hello! Gaze upon me, enthralled and amazed, where I bear the gift of life! Welcome to Dragon Friends! Dragon Friends must die! Dragon Friends must die! Dragon Friends must die! Dragon Friends must die! Dragon Friends must go It has been but three short days

Since the Dragon Friends left their semi-retirements And joined the paladin Bethany Smiles On a journey between worlds To find their various adventuring parties missing members And thus break an infernal curse Dooming Bethany to kill them all. To break the curse, a devil's contract must be broken, and to do that

requires the presence of a motley crew. Indeed, the barbarian Kit Gingerson, the pseudo-dragon Bushu, and poor dead, level 9 handsome man, Baston Indrirovich, whose lifeless body was abandoned in a mishap with a time machine

last season, and is now lost wither and thither in time and space. Baston will be a tricky one, but Bushu should be easier. The one-time familiar of Friso always made his home in the magical realm of the Feywild,

and so it is time to travel the plains once more. The dragon friends say their goodbyes to Kit with instructions to settle his affairs in Oreskes and meet you in the Infernal Courts. And from there, it is but a quick jump from Kit's fortress across the nine known worlds to a tastefully appointed house by the edge of a glittering wood. Bushu once lived here, for all you know. He lives here still,

but if he does, he has grown extremely private in these intervening years. And if he does, I will say this is a very short episode. For it seems that the door has been nailed shut. The door's been nailed shut.

So what do we see when we look at it, Dave? Is it boards and nails? Yes, there is. A board has been placed across the door of this house in the Feywild and it has been nailed shut as if the house is abandoned. Where are the... I want to test your mechanics here. Okay.

Where are the nails attached to both the frame of the door and the door? Well, there are... Okay, there are four nails, I guess, and they're on the corners of the plank. What colour are they? They are... Because it's fairy shit, I suppose.

They're little mushrooms. Glittering polychromatic nails. But where is the board? There's corners. So there's nails to the corners of the board. Yes. What size is the board compared to the door? It's a four by, what are you doing?

It's a two by four. I think what you've described there is a plank of wood nailed to a door that won't hinder it being opened or closed. What does Friso do? I'm going to go open the door. All right, you open the door. You open the door and you walk into Bushu's very tastefully appointed... Pretty short episode. Dave had like 30 minutes planned with that door.

Ah, but the two by four had a quest. A very tastefully appointed mid-century modern themed house. There is a little conversation pit, a steep shag pile carpet, an Eames chair and Eames desk. Oh, so this is like a Frank Lloyd Wright sort of... Yeah, it is. It's his whole deal. It was always Bush's thing, yeah. Hey, is it dusty?

How long has it been left like this? Why don't you make for me an investigation check? Can Logan fit in this door? DC-13, no, no. So the dragon friends rather unkindly walk in. So I'll wait outside. I don't know what we're doing here anyway. Just meeting all your friends and just... I'll go, I'll talk to a duck, I'd kindly walk in. That's all right, I'll wait outside. I don't know what we're doing here anyway. Just meeting all your friends and just...

I'll go, I'll talk to a duck, I guess. Are you... Is Logan okay? You want to talk to a duck? I guess that's why I'm good. That's why I'm here, right? There is a magical duck nearby, sure. This is, after all, this is the Feywild, so there are magical creatures everywhere.

I'm going to talk to a duck, and this one's magic, but I could talk to a normal one anyway because I have that ability. Just go talk to your friends. Talk to your friends. It's fine. It's fine. I won't come in.

Have fun. Bye. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Logan. Huh? You okay, mate? Dude, that duck's wearing a top hat. And he looks really rich. Yeah, this is a really rich duck.

That duck looks like he's worth a billion dollars. What are you doing around here? That's not what he sounded like. Does anybody

remember what he sounded like? Because he was Scottish. Scrooge McDuck. That's your Scrooge McDuck voice. Oh, I'm Scrooge

McDuck. I'll be swamped. I guess I don't have to talk to the duck, I guess. Nobody Google that and I'm sure that's fine. Oi! Scrooge McDuck here! What are you doing?

His name's not Scrooge McDuck. I'm Scrooge McDuck, you piece of shit! Fight me! He can have the affectation of Scrooge McDuck. He can have the visuals of Scrooge McDuck. He can sound nothing like Scrooge McDuck. He can have the visuals of Scrooge McDuck. He can sound nothing like Scrooge McDuck. Okay, fine. His name is Spurge McDuck.

I'm Spurge McDuck. I immediately regret talking to you. You got any money? Yeah, I have quite a lot of money. Give me your money. I don't... Give it to me. You got any money? Yeah, I've got quite a lot of money. Give me your money! Give it to me! Stop it. I'm going to nip you! I'm going to nip you in the ass!

You can try. You're not doing nothing. It's true. Dave, I rolled a one. Alright, you bite onto a turtle shell and there's a clunk sound and just for the rest of this scene, you don't need to remember this, but there is a duck with a sort of locked neck

and locked jaw, biting onto the back of your shell. I have a familiar. So don't... You're talking to, well you're kind of ignoring Spooge McDuck, but the rest of you can enter Bushu's apartment. As I said, you had just made an investigation check. What did you roll for me?

That's a 19. Okay, it looks like it has, there's a slight patina of dust, but you also notice that there are vines beginning to creep in through an open window just by the desk that suggests that very slowly the magical

forests of the Feywild are starting to encroach on the house, suggesting that it has been perhaps even a year since the house was occupied. That said, it is very tidy. It looks like nobody left in a hurry. And other than a scattering of papers on the desk, it seems like whoever left here left this place in some repair.

Phil, just going to look at the papers on the desk. Okay. Phil, do you walk up to the Eames desk? There is the pen. There is a small letter opener. And there is an envelope that has been torn open. The letter inside it removed. This looks like possibly one of the last things that happened in the house.

And that envelope has a broken seal on it. Is there any writing on the envelope? that happened in the house, and that envelope has a broken seal on it. What? Is there any writing on the envelope? No, just the seal. And what is the seal? Whose seal is it? Okay, so you take it and you look at the seal, you re-form it, and I would like anyone who's looking at it, which is basically everyone who's not being bitten by a duck right now,

to make for me quickly some Arcana checks. An Arcana check? I kind of do it. Oh, do you know what? It pains me to say this, but I think you get advantage. Oh, okay. That one was 12 and that one was 15. Okay.

So you, did anyone get better than 15? No. All right. Frieza, you do recognize this because it's emblazoned in a calligraphy text that says FBF. It is a name that you know, you have not thought about in a while. FBF. FBF. And the FBF stands for the Fey Line Bureau of Familiars.

This is an organisation of sorts attached to the Feywild who is responsible for pairing familiars, magical creatures creatures with the spellcasters that they work for. The Find Familiar spell works through the FBF. I would assume you get a lot of pamphlets from them, but you obviously haven't worked with them for a while. You've never had an adventure here, but Friso... FBF. Not Michael Hing.

Friso would have been familiar with this you're explaining how to play Dungeons and Dragons to Hing Franklin no no they've told you what it stands for

what Franklin Belenose Fusavelle it's sex money power the FBF is based in Astrazalian that's the

city of starlight it's very close by it's also where the court of the summer queen is EPF is based in Astrazalian. That's the illagent city of starlight. It's very close by. It's also where the court of the summer queen is. We should head to the bureau to track down Boucher. While everyone is doing that, would Bethany notice that Logan was gone? Yeah.

And can she... I would like to sneak out and go and talk to him. Yeah, make for me a... You don't have to be that sneaky. I change it to walk out and go and talk to him. Yeah, make for me a... You don't have to be that sneaky. I change it to walk. Okay. All right. A surreptitious walk? Yeah.

A nonchalant walk? A nonchalant walk. What do I roll? You could slink. I'm going to let you... Okay. All right. Yeah, I'll slink.

Okay. Kick to the shadows. You immediately explode. Trapped! You don't need to roll for that. You can just go and meet, if you want, Logan the Huge outside. It's Logan by the pond. Yes, he is.

He's got a duck bitten on him. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know you're mad. Logan, right? Yeah. Hey, I've been meaning to get you alone, actually. Oh, okay. Of course.

Not sure. Yeah, that was a nice... Oh, wow. Not like that. Okay, I don't know. It's Coca-Cola. Sorry, I knew you were going to derail this whole thing. Sorry.

You're not even in the scene and you are derailing this. I'm just a bottle. I too thought it was a sparkling Shiraz. It's Coca-Cola. you told me before the show. It looks a little bit like the Willy Wonka drink that makes you fly up when you drink it. Yeah, it's from Scottle. I guess we'll know if that's what he starts doing.

Bethany is talking to Logan. Thank you. Yeah, well, what? What? Look, it's... Can I be real with you for just one sec? And she goes on one knee in a way, you know, like a camp counsellor. Yeah.

Like a slightly sad coach. What's her knee on? Huh? It's like a stump or something. A mushroom. Okay. Yeah, she turns a mushroom backwards. And it was sentient.

So it goes, fuck! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, my goodness. What? What is it? What do you want? You come out here, you kill some nature, and that's my thing?

So just... What? I don't know about you, but there's no one in there I can really trust. And it's going to come to a point later... Gribbets is in there and you've been working with him for a few years now. He's a lawyer. I just think you and I, are we solid? Do you have my back and I'll have yours?

And when push comes to shove, you'll shove? I don't know you. Yeah, but you know them and they suck You didn't let me finish You do have the friend spell You could be casting this if you want As a paladin, don't forget, you have the ability to cast friends You're also very high charisma

Do you think that would make him trust me? I don't know Alex, do you trust your friends? Alright so Do you want to cast friends? No, I just want to use my charisma Okay, now that means I have to be charismatic Oh no The spell of friends gives you advantage to that

Oh, alright, I'll cast spell of friends Okay, great Make for me a wisdom saving throw Eight plus two Make for me a wisdom saving throw. Eight plus two. As you look up at Bethany, you see the dark sort of black eyes that seem to convey such terrible sadness and the bristle smile that makes everyone so uncomfortable. But you see something inside, someone you can trust,

someone that Logan, taken from his time and place, wants to be friends with. You're an outsider just like me. You're out of time, and so am I. Look, I do feel a little bit weird that we're just trying to meet a bunch of people that I've never met before, and no one's really looking out for me

or thinking about me. I'm just following places and just standing outside of rooms that I obviously can't fit in. So, to be honest, Bethany, I appreciate you coming over here and talking to me. So we have a deal? Yes. And is there anything you'd like of me?

Yeah. What was that? I don't know, Simon snorted. No, the way Tom said yeah, it was suggestive. That's why I snorted. Oh, sorry, we've all done improv. We all say yes and, but the second I do some yes ands, I would love that.

And it's a simple thing. Whenever someone goes into a room and it seems like an assumption that everyone can fit into a space, maybe just say, hey, I might wait outside. I can do that. I can do that for you.

And in return... I'll kill anyone you want me to. And so a pact is made between the two of them, augmented by spells both magical and sinister, and heard by none except for an obscene mushroom and a ludicrously wealthy duck. Who is presumably still there. Yeah, he can't talk because he's clamped on. But he's listening.

He's got a locked jaw. Let's keep him not talking. He became Rodney Dangerfield for a second there. Inside the house, there's a beautiful map of Astrazalian, of the nearby surrounds, which you can find. Yes, the Federal, the Federal, the Feyline Bureau of Familiars is very nearby. You can visit if you want.

Let's go. Yeah, let's head there. Actually, what time is it now? Is it night time? Oh, that's a good question. No, you've been travelling for a while. In the Feywild, it's always sort of twilight. There's no kind of...

Are we tied? Should we take a rest? Is there any reason at all? Would anyone like to take a rest? I know. I've never seen you interested in interfacing with the mechanics of D&D to this level before I gave you a fucking spellbook. Put your feet up, Simon. Uh, Logan.

I mean... Bobby. Yeah, because Kit's gone. Bobby, put your feet up. Logan. What? What? Logan! Yeah? Retract inside your shell. We're taking a break. I'll just sleep out here then. Bye. Bethany, are you coming back in?

Excuse me. I'm the leader of this group. Bye. Bethany, are you coming back in? Excuse me. I'm the leader of this group. I decide when we sleep. Can we have a rest? You tired? Yeah. Okay, then. Oh, guys, I'm so glad.

Because I don't know if you remember, but I broke my, I think, knee quite significantly. And no one's taken a break until now because of that. I didn't want to say, I didn't want to be a complaining... Do you want to take first watch? What? No, I'd really like to just pass out if that's... Does anybody have any sort of healing magic?

Because I swear in a party this size, somebody must have healing magic. But unfortunately the dragon friends are already asleep. Well, first watch it is. But not, I suppose, Friso. Friso will take some time to study the Book of Black Magic. Not just some time. If you're planning to study the spellbook of Corbin, of the Black Staff Temple, Corbin VI,

you're going to need to take the whole night, which means you will be exhausted tomorrow, but you will learn all of his magic. Oh, Dave, that's a trade I'm willing to make. All right. The rest of you, everybody that's not Frieza, you regain all of your spells, all of your abilities. You go back to full hit dice, full hit points.

What about Kribbitz's knee? Nothing. You broke your knee. No one's helping you. You know what? You lose some hit points because you're not being treated. For six hours, you lose nine hit points. That's a lot for Gribbets.

That's a lot for Gribbets. That's like a normal person getting hit by a car. Dave, you said that I could learn every spell. Friso would learn every spell in the Warlock spell book. Are you going to read the whole book? Yeah, I'll read the whole book. Page one through to three. Page four through to'll read the whole book page 1 through to 3 page 4 through to 6

keep going page 7 through to 9 what spells are in there are you going to keep reading that book you're reading through page 10 page 11

you're going to just keep reading you're just reading the book what do you mean is one of them going to be a trick page page 12, 13 just tell us when you paused

there is 20 pages of spells how many do you want to read 20 why not alright you How many do you want to read? 20. Why not? All right. You fucked up, dude. You fucked up.

You know this is the episode, you motherfucker. I don't know why, but I can tell they've got something cooking. Make for me a dexterity save because you had already found that there was a ward of blasting on the 12th page of the book. Did I? You were there. You said, I'll remember that. If you look at your character sheet, you will find a note.

Well, Dave, I didn't write it down, it seems. Now, what is it? That's a one. That's a one! Fuck! Oh, okay. So what was this thing? So Corbin laid a trap because he thought that someone might try to steal this spellbook.

He put a glyph of blasting on it, but... My book is gone! Now a glyph of blasting normally would just do 46 points of damage to you, but you rolled... Ha-cha-cha-cha! You know, but you rolled a one, which is a critical fail. So it has to be something worse. You get paper cut as well. I...

Oh, do you know what it is? You... Don't take the book from me, Dave. Racing through the book faster and faster and faster. You turn the pages, turn the pages, until you suddenly see a glyph of blasting starting to shine. You know that you have but seconds to act, that it's about to blow up in your face and kill you

and all of your loved ones sleeping around you. And so you panic and you... Yeah, you know what you do? You eat the book Okay Dave I've got something for this though Do you? I'm gonna eat the book

And as I swallow it down I'm gonna cast gaseous form On myself So the explosion Will just disperse me Around a la gas You're going to intermingle with it as a gas Yeah okay that's good

No that's fine So you swallow the spell book Yeah because a gaseous form would turn whatever's in your tummy to gas Yeah No I think that's fair Otherwise Otherwise what would happen is you'd cast gaseous form And then a bunch of poe would just fall down.

Here's what I'm thinking, and I think that this is fair given that you forgot something very obvious that I told you last episode. Well, someone stole my notes book. No, that's not true. So what is... What is... Fucking dog. What is going to happen?

Dave has gotten confident as a father. No, you... So you survive because of the gaseous form spell. You do. This means, of course, you use a spell slot. But the magic of Corbin infuses itself into your turns. And then by turning into gas as it explodes, you're basically in your own pocket dimension with it. As the raw magic hits you, washes over you,

and as a result, you become infused with the very stuff of wild magic. Possibly because you are here in the Feywild where magic is stronger and wilder, and this is a very strong, potent form of wild magic. And what this means, Hing, is every time that Friezo casts a spell from now on, I'm gonna need you to roll a six-sided dice, and if you roll a one, we go to the wild magic table and something fucked up happens. I love that.

Can I just say sincerely, that's some very good dice. You got a horcrux. I'm going to say you are infused with wild magic though, so you also gain a spell slot. Freezo, the dank boom of you reapparating into the room,

your eyes... Suddenly, your eyes glowing white in a way that they haven't before, in a way that suggests that they will glow white from now on because you have raw magic inside you. Hey, guys, new Friso just dropped. As you coalesce, waking up everybody, ruining their sleep, you all only gain half as much health. Don't matter for old Gribbits, because this knee is bung.

Gribbits freaks out, falls off a bed and breaks his other leg. Gribbits, Gribbits, I've got something for that. I want to try out my new thing. I'm going to cast a healing spell, Dave. What have I got? Okay, man, but like, I really appreciate that, but you look like proper mental right now.

I've got new magic flow. Honestly, if anybody just had like a bandage or like a splint. I mean, I do have I do have cure wounds, but I don't know how many spells I have. No, please, please. A warlock is talking. Let the warlock heal him. Ha-cha-cha!

I really don't like how he said ha-cha-cha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cure words? Cure words? You're not a fucking cleric. Here's a list of all warlock spells. All right. You can cast anything up to the third level.

Yeah, so you just control F that and see if there's anything about knees or... I think there's something called poison spray, which I think will... No, that's... I don't think you think that, Hing. Can we rule poison spray out as a group? Alright, what do you want?

Chill touch, mage hand, magic stone? Chill touch would be like an ice pack. Ice pack. I'll do an ice pack. I really don't... I just... If there's any sort of... Just...

If you're going for me, he needs to apply. Honestly. Cold and elevate. We're going to do chill touch so you have learned the magic of the damned of the unknown

you're going to cast a level zero cantrip wonderful again a spell that Friso could already cast congratulations oh guys

I'm feeling much better make a ranged spell attack against Gribbets that's a nat 20. Hell yeah. And then, Dave, I get to do my new dice. Hang on a sec.

A nat 20, given what Freezo is technically trying to do, should actually... Well, yeah, this could kill you. No. No. Au contraire. Oh, yeah? Like, he's saying,

I'm going to give you an ice pack and make your knees better, so I think a nat 20 should... Then he used an attack. He used a basic attack against you, and he rolled a critical hit. He's going to freeze your bones back into place. But Dave, I've rolled my dice, and I've rolled a fey one,

so what does that do now? I have an adventure planned. Yeah, but I just want to establish the mechanics. Is it going to fix his knee or what? Now we get to play some Dungeons and Dragons. All right, we're going to the wild magic table. Oh, God. Dave's on, like, the equivalent of the dark web for D&D.

Roll for me a D100. And we... Two D10s. And I need you to give me a number100. And we... Two D10s. And I need you to give me a number between 1 and 100. You need to give me... I need to give you a number? Yes. As in what I roll?

Yep. That's usually how it works. So it's a 0-0, which I think is either a 10 or a... It's a 0. 0? Actually, you know what? If you roll another 0, that's 100, the most potent effect. It's 80.

No, so it's zero, zero, and an eight? Sorry, it's eight and zero, zero. So that makes... Yeah, that's... Okay, you cast Fireball as a third-level spell centred on yourself. What the fuck? I don't make the fucking rules, man. I don't know.

So before this goes down, I would like to know what happened to Gribbons. In this particular song of I, C, man. I don't know. So before this goes down, I would like to know what happened to Grivitz in this particular song of I Seek Fire. 8D6 of fire happened to Grivitz. And to be fair, you know... No, to be fair, everyone in the house, so in some ways, big payday for Logan. 17... Oh, it's not that bad

It's 23 25 hit points Everybody loses 25 hit points So that is Gribbets dead Gribbets is dead Yes That is Gribbets

Don't cheer that Alright Congratulations You've killed Your lawyer I wish Right guys I think you have,

because actually the thing is, 25 hit points, this is, I mean, I don't want to, like, this is a moment, right? Because the way that D&D works is you would get death saves if you were a character, you're not, you're a henchman.

We sometimes say death saves, but then even if you did, that actually goes past the damage threshold that bypasses death saves. Yeah, I mean, he just got like... He's Adams. You've killed Gribbets.

Oh, no. All that Eames furniture. And you've destroyed Bushu's apartment and there will be a reckoning for that and honestly, I don't know which the dragon friends are more disappointed by. I was trying to help his knee. No, you weren't.

I was giving it a go. You can lie to him. No, you can't because he's fucking ash. I didn't want him to die, Dave. Is he saying this as his fireball is hurtling towards himself? Well, you hurt yourself as well, so you must be hurt, right? Is the ice hurt or the fire hurt? Everyone takes 25 points of damage

except Bethany who takes 12 because she's resistant to fire. And Logan's outside. Who takes zero because she's talking to a duck. Now, you are in the Feywild. I will say that when the smoke clears, the little corpse of Gribbets

is still there on the ground. I guess we loot the corpse then? Don't say it regrettably. You have a choice. I don't want to do it. You don't need... You can... We live in a magical world.

The corpse of your friend is there, dead for now, but perhaps... I didn't want him to die. You're just going to... You don't want to do anything. You don't want to do anything? You don't want to... Bethany can run in.

Can I cast Cure Wounds now? No! You can cast Tol the Dying, which will preserve a small modicum of life on Gribbets, which means that if he's taken to a healer, a powerful cleric who could revivify him, he would be brought back to life.

I think he needs to go in like an urn, though. Yeah, you're going to have to put him in something. Okay, I'll run in and I'll sort of pick up the bits of Gribbets that I can find. What? I just... All right. Dave! Dave! Can I can find. What? I just... All right. Dave, Dave. Can I be honest, Dave?

Yeah. I don't really like the consequences to these actions. So this is spare the dying, sorry, to be fair. Spare the dying. So I'm going to scrape him up and is there like a nice... It's like a branded Midori Illusions cocktail shaker. Yes. Beautiful.

All right, you put him in a cocktail shaker. You have to really cram him to get him in there, but he's in there. Now, to be clear, this is feather dyeing. For a player character, this would stabilise you. But for your henchman, Gribbets, I'm going to say that that puts him basically in very critical condition,

more so because you crammed him in a cocktail shaker. I assumed he was just dust at this point. Yeah, we thought he was dust. Sure, you scoop up some Gribbets dust and... But I also think that there's probably a little bit of Midori left in there

so if they do revive him he's going to have a little something. Wonderful melodantic. He's going to have a little bit of sass. So fucking grim. Alright.

Okay, and the Bethany's like I don't want to carry this. Who wants it? This seems like your burden. By the way, that's my favourite line in Lord of the Rings. I don't want to carry this. Who wants it? I'll take the Midori illusion shaker.

You pack your lawyer into a thing. You're still all injured, but now it is time I guess to leave, now that you've been properly barbecued by Friso. Wow, you guys look like shit. Okay, um, any clues about where Bushu is? We think he's at the Fae Line Bureau

of Familiars. Okay, well that's easy. That's just a hop, skip and a jump away. A Strasalian city of a ladron bliss and joy. That's City of Shadows, City of Wonder. Home of the Summer Queen, of the Summer King. You make your way there and then you see

in the centre of it a vista that you have seen. A misty vista you have seen many times. Hing. And by Hing, I mean Friso. A glittering tower that seems to grow out of the ground. This is, of course, and by Hing I mean Friezo, a glittering tower that seemed to grow out of the ground. This is, of course, the Fae-Line hero of familiar, something that you recognise from many pamphlets,

although you have never been. You have been a client once, another lifetime ago, when you swore your pact most foul to become a warlock, but this is your first time here in the flesh, as it were. Does this mean my agent is here? No, your agent, Robbie Silver... Is in hell. The warlock is in hell where he deserves to be. So I guess we'll go up to the bureau and just ask around?

Yeah, there's like a Walmart-style greeter at the door. It's a clown. There's a clown at the door. Yeah, there's a clown. He's a scary clown. door. He's a... Yeah, there's a clown. He's a scary clown. Oh, hey, Tom Walker. What's up? Uh, hi.

Um... So, um... There's a clown. His name is Monstrous Andalby. Welcome, I guess. Um... Can you guys... It's actually...

Do you know what? What do you do, Tom Walker? You very slowly slide into Cousin Greg. No, no, do Tom Walker. Do Tom Walker. You know, it's great because Tom will never hear it, so... Yeah, so... Basically, my job is to welcome you all here to the bureau and...

Which I'm happy to be at. Yeah, I'm thrilled. Hey, was it Monstrous? Yeah. We're looking for a... Monty, for sure. Monty. Monty, we're looking for a... Monty, for short. Monty. Monty, we're looking for a...

My old familiar. I thought you might be able to get some clues to where he is now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well... If that's what you want to do, then you're obviously in the right place. Hey, Tom, why didn't you come to my holid recently? Don't like you very much. Okay, cool

Just the religious part of my wedding It's fine Tom, I'm after the It's not for the audience That's not for Ben That's just you being quite upset at a friend I think that's for Just for Last Montreal Yeah, that's for Tom when he listens to this

Now, Ben Yeah I mean Tom I mean Monty We're off the borders of Hing's reality are colliding. We're after a little

fey dragon by the name of Bushu. Ever heard of him? Okay, like obviously I haven't heard of him. But if you want to come see. He rocks back and

forward because, and I forgot to mention this, but as a scary clown he's spring from the waist down and he's in like a pop-up box. But it's got wheels so you can skirt around.

You're ambulatory. Yeah, yeah. You have telepresence. Okay, so this happens pretty often so don't worry about it. Fine. It's quite complicated. If you're looking for familiar though, this is where you need to be. Okay, great.

So why don't you come with me? Sure. Just like, got gotta ask though. The doors are glowing red and they're closed, but he beckons for you to take your hand and place them. Because you're a warlock, right? Oh yeah, big time. Yeah, cool. Well, this is kind of like an only warlocks.

Frizzo, take... I'm fucking crazy. What? What's that? That is what a crazy person would say. Did you just say that you were fucking crazy? Like we were just about to open the... Did you just say that you were fucking crazy?

I just said... I mean like... Make a persuasion roll. With disadvantage No because you asked if I was a warlock No no I was showing you how warlocky I was I'm fucking crazy man

Hing hing You were trying to form a rapport And that must be punished So With disadvantage That's a one That's a one I'm fucking crazy man

Okay so like we I mean like I'm a warlock I'm fucking crazy man Okay so like we I mean like I'm a warlock I'm fucking crazy Yeah I know We have like a kind of Stop saying that We have like a kind of a policy That we don't let people in

Who are fucking crazy Into the building I'm a warlock though Yeah it's new It's like pretty new But It's like something that they're like As you press

Your hand on the door It goes Warlock And he really quickly Frantically flails Finds a lever And presses it Yeah so Warlock

It's Yeah they've been like Really getting cross With me For letting people in Who are like So obviously insane That they'd like

Say that Just as they were about To go into a building Monstrous Andalby What's's this guy? A warlock? We letting him in? Well no, here's the thing. I'm fucking crazy man. Here's the thing Demi. Cunts and fuck

etc. Well that's unkind to your dear friend. He is a warlock and so that was all fine and then he just turned to me, looked me dead in the eyes and said, I'm fucking crazy.

Oh, well, we can't let him in then. No, exactly. That was sort of my, like, that's where I got to. Are we all with Freezone? Yeah, and we would have, like, let all of you in because, like, warlocks can Freezo? Yeah. And we would have like let all of you in because like warlocks can take

people in. Yeah we would have but apparently he's fucking crazy. Yeah like he said that so. I guess this is a hard no to this

part of the quest. Yeah no we can't let you in. So I'm split but you said you said if warlocks can let people in though right?

A warlock could, yes. Okay. We just have to... We know that warlock over there. Well, don't say that out loud. That one over there. We know him. Well, if you can come with a warlock and get in, that's fine.

What about if you're here... I'm not with these people. You seem to be with these people. I just came in... You arrived when they arrived. You haven't said anything yet and you've been standing next to him. I've been waiting patiently for my turn. No, I buy that.

That's fine. I'm not very smart, but I'm very handsome. He will love to hear that. What if I'm here? I'm here, separate to these guys, to apply to be a familiar. Look, you can't apply. You have to be a creature of magic. I am a creature of magic.

I have a creature of magic. I'm a werewolf. Duck. This is my familiar. Look, it turns around. I have to sign him up. He coughs once and falls to the ground. Who's got money?

Give me your money. That's how I make all my money. This is your creature? Yes. And you're signing him up to be a familiar? Absolutely. If you just let me in the goodness-sake building. For Pete's sake, goodness.

I saw what you rolled. It's a natural 20. Alright, I'm going to write you a chit. What? And monstrous Dembleby writes, who is by the way a small clown trapped in one of those hamster wheels that just

sort of goes around faster and faster and faster, half the size, and just it's mostly full of spaghetti, but the bits that aren't full of spaghetti are full of monstrous demblebee and monstrous demblebee somehow gives you a

chip using a mage hand spell and it's like you're responsible for your quote unquote crazy friend okay? Yes. Me? You can register your familiar... Sorry, what's your name? I'm Spooge McDuck!

I hate it. And... But I don't want any funny business, because if you cause trouble in the FBF, that's a lifetime ban, and I've got your register, okay? Yes, of course. The doors glow blue, and they open, allowing I just think, sorry,

I just think it's very funny the idea of a duck who became a millionaire by mugging people. I assume like every day just mugs people for like ten bucks. Do you think it's lots of little muggings or just like one rich

weak person? It is a real bootstrap story if you think about it. And he's never like, he's like risen to the top. Doesn't invest it. But he's not, he just keeps mugging people for like 10 bucks, 15 bucks. Just a duck with a gun really. Yeah, wonderful. The doors open wide, access to the FBF is granted to very few

One must first Somehow pierce the flogest In the astral sea between worlds One must find themselves in the Feywild And visit that beautiful city of Astrazalian Someone must then Make their way to the FBF Those doors that must never be opened

Locked as they are behind Two twitch streamers and Australian sweethearts, locked in a hamster wheel and a box. And if one can talk their way past them, if one can convince them of the goodness in their hearts, if one can show that they are either a familiar or one who works with magical creatures, they will be allowed entry under almost any circumstance, provided they do not immediately at that moment say the words, I'm fucking crazy, and yet here we are on another episode of Fucking Dragon Friends. Thank you!

The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Carding. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. Podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live in the Vanguard in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Until next time. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Until next time This is a podcast. Don't get out a piece of paper and start drawing. What you've described, Dave, is a piece of 2x4, right? That has been nailed to the middle of a door, but it's not attached to the door frame.

See, I know Hing pretty well. And throughout that entire description, that was the look of Michael Hing waiting for you to say the word jam, and you didn't. He did say jam. Did he? No, Ben said jam. Oh.

It's like, you know how your nose is on your face? Exactly. But it doesn't keep your face closed. Exactly.