Dragon Friends - #9.06. French Loyalty

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

The Dragon Friends have made it into the Fae Beaucracy that will allow them to contact Bushu. If they can refrain from killing for a few moments, they may be able to file the right paperwork they need to efortlessy achieve their goal. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yeah. Well, I can honestly say that's not all of the adventure that I wanted to do. You know what? Not a short episode. No, no. Dragon Friends Must Die Dragon Friends Must Die Deep in a glittering wood of starlight and dreams Is the feline bureau of familiars Those august halls

Where creatures magical and eldritch Strange and familiar Where boggans, sprites, imaginary friends Gremlins, grendels and all things known and unknown Gather in the service of those magical creatures we call wizards to do their bidding in a cool way. It's not like, don't get down about it. They like their jobs.

Everyone's having a good time. You know, when me and Dave talked about this last night, we were like, how do we navigate that? And he was like, I'll be subtle. Wait, what? The FBF has existed since time immemorial permitting only those who summon those august creatures through their doors one such is a warlock called frizo who if i'm honest could have made it into this building with more ease and more grace and

yet here we are frizo now walking through thanks only to the quick-witted thinking of his friend Logan the Huge, a giant tortoise who is, I would say, quite happy with the generous proportions of the FBF doors. This is more like it. No how to treat a giant turtle. As the party make their way forward, led by Bethany Smiles, they pass a giant atrium where there are creatures, strange and yet terribly familiar, small boggans and gnomes run around skirting creatures, imaginary, fantastical, wondrous,

a lot of scary clowns. There's like a lot of clowns. There's too many clowns. Dave, why are there so many clowns? There's just so many clowns and they're scary clowns. Clowns are traditionally, like if you open the Dungeons and Dragons book, there's no page. You can't be a clown. You can't be like a...

Maybe it's a clue. I don't know why, but there's a lot of clowns, and above those clowns, glittering overhead, is the whoosh and thunk sound of a million pneumatic tubes sparkling above, sending messages hither and thither through this world, through the nine-year-olds, nine-year-old world. That's your second hither and thither? Yeah.

Yeah, you've had two Augusts, so there'll be no more of that. Above and beyond, below and through, wint-widdershins and turn-wise, as they make their way through the nine-year-old worlds to the infernal celestial and divine beings that do inhabit them. The dragon friends make their way up a glittering elevator to the third floor of the FBF to Warlock Client Relations where there is a desk.

At that desk is what looks like an old magical Commodore 64. No, not a Commodore 64, like a word processor, a 486. Oh, thank goodness. Behind that 486. Does it have a green and black screen? Yeah, it has a green and black screen, but the screen is covered with pixie dust. And next to it, I'm so tired.

It's Brazil, okay? It's magical Brazil. It's magical Brazil. Why are you so tired, Joe? Fuck you. Why don't you go and play your video games and get married and go to the Logies and fuck around.

You got him, Dave. What's going on, buddy? I don't want to talk about it. But it's worth it though, right? She's great. And if she's listening, I don't. No, she's great. She's great. And if she's listening, I don't understand how because she's like two months old.

But... Who? It's a good bit. I like the bit. Behind that desk is one of those pneumatic machines, a fantasy Commodore 64 and a scary clown dressed in a cardigan with a pin, a small pair of wire-framed glasses.

Her name is Magonie, which is like agony but with an M. And she looks up as there's a ding sign as you walk in, and it says, now serving, number 64. You look at your hand, and magically materialising is a number 64, as she says 64 64 That's me, hi there Hello

I'd like to register my familiar please Name of familiar please Splooge McDuck It's what? Splooge McDuck Okay, that's pretty funny She signs a form pretty quickly. Spooge looks up confused and then there's a glass,

suddenly a jar materialises around him. He looks at you all panicked for a second like this is a bad idea. There's a thunk sound as he disappears, shrinks down to the tiny size and then the glass fires off into the air and goes into the pneumatic system. You will have to wait six to five working months for us to process this. Next! 65! Oh, could you please fill out this satisfaction form?

It is to sort of track how well we are doing. Under demeanour, I would appreciate if you wrote sparkling. Is there anything we can do to speed up this process? I mean, I really love that dance. How committed are you to making this ducker familiar? At the start it was a side quest, but now it's main quest, baby. How about, I'd be happy to fill out sparkling, majestic, you've done really wonderful. You've been so quick. I know.

I'm just wondering, maybe we could just, if we could get the duck quicker than six to five. Maggot, he coughs and puts out a hand on the table and then looks away. I do wish there was something I could do, but unfortunately my hands are moneyless. Do we have money? It's a shame that duck didn't went up a tube.

Yeah, you got gold coins, don't you? You're really committed to giving this duck a job... What am I going to do? Well, how badly do we want this duck in the rest of the season? No! I'll give you ten gold coins. I think you've got heaps, though,

because remember when you Scrooge McDucked through the gold coins that magically appeared from Alex's book? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay, yeah, yeah. She hears that and was about to take the ten gold coins and then suddenly looks at it distastefully. Ten gold coins. What do you take me for?

Some kind of ten gold coins bitch? Up until a moment ago, yes. Wonderfully well-drawn character. Thank you very much. How many gold coins are we talking about? I was thinking something in the triple digits. What? Three gold coins.

She's going to want... She's going to want at least 100 gold coins to expedite the paperwork to make your Scottish duck a familiar. You have 100 gold coins, though. Do we have... You have 100, because remember, you were, like, swimming through all the gold coins. I mean, Friso has 100, too. I don't know why he's just putting this on you.

I've got fifteen thousand. No, no. Hundred. Fifteen hundred. Alright, well that's... Yeah, Bobby sort of sidles up to the counter and is like, how much would it cost us, hypothetically, to find out a little bit of information about a former familiar.

And get the duck. Let's take these one at a time, okay? To get the duck, I think maybe a hundred gold coins might expedite this. And her weird little hand with a clown glove on it is kind of

doing horrible things. All of her, the weird little hand with the clown glove on it is kind of doing horrible little things. All of the balls of her fingers are on springs, and they just sort of wilt, and it's awful. It's like weird clown body horror. All right, I give her 100 gold coins. Well, that duck should see you in the next couple of minutes. No. As to your question, this is a simple process, as much as I would like to... Hey Ben, quick question. Yes, friend.

Why is the clown French? Goliath. This is Philippe Goliath. You are a piece of shit, you're not funny. You're not funny, You're not funny. What are you doing? Give me $10,000. I think it's funny.

Give me $10,000. Give me $10,000 and six months of your life. And now go back to Australia and win an award. That's like a six percenter, but it's a good one. Magany. Yes. We need to find out some information about a former familiar. Yeah, I don't know why you're being such sneaky little binkies about this.

This is client warlock relations. This is the right place for... There's a form you can fill out. Great, well I'm a warlock. It's a T43. Okay, correct. I'm fucking crazy. Did you know... What? Ah, it's just a thing I say. There's a form in front of you.

She puts down a T-40. I just give her $10, like 10 gold coins. Like, shh. Okay, that's nice. She puts down a T-40. Do you know what? I will buy with this a quiche. She puts down a T-43, turns around to a vending machine behind her.

Quiche vending machine? It's an automat. It's like an automat. No, it just It's an automat. It's like an automat. No, it just does quiches. It's like a... You know what it is? There's a quiche in the cold or what? Imagine in the wall there's like a garage door

and she knocks on it and it spins up and there's a tiny gnome on the other side who's dressed in a little... Can I offer a counterpoint to what you're about to say? She takes the ten gold coins, feeds them into a slot, and then out of the pneumatic tube next to her desk,

thumps out a rolled up quiche and then it unfurls on her desk. Like a koala mattress. You're like a koala mattress. So the quiche arrives. And the T-43 does as well. And it lands on the quiche, and then it turns transparent because of the grease,

and she's like, I will need another form. And Magalie brings out another form, and she puts it in front of you, Friso, and you can start to fill it out. What are the sections on the form, Dave? Name. Friso Frisofferson. Warlock's name. We're going sections on the form, Dave? Name. Friso for his office in. Warlock's name.

We're going to need another form. Sorry, Magany. Do you like to party? No. Never mind then. Can I have another form, please? And second piece of quiche. Name. Bushu. Warlock's name. Friso for his office in.

Reason for request French Loyalty French French loyalty Loyalty The most unbreakable loyalty of all Relationship to familiar

Former Warlock Former master I am not the man with the pen Relationship too familiar. Former warlock? Former master? What would you call? I am not the man with the pen. I am the lady with the quiche. That is a good thing, though. That is a good point.

Do you ever find with forms when it says, like, relationship and you've got to work out? You don't know what direction it fucking flows? Yeah, it doesn't. Your emergency contact. It's very confusing. Go classic Friso. Colleague. Colleague.

It's complicated. Former colleague. Open brackets. It's complicated. Former colleague. Open brackets, it's complicated, close brackets. Thank you. Last time in contact to the nearest year Dale reckoning. This is all very simple. Just give me the form, I'll tell you where he is. And I'm just going to tell you how long I saw him. In Dale reckoning years, the last time you saw Bushu.

Yeah. They're laughing like they know something, but... Well, I mean, I think Bushu... Scribble, scribble, scribble. Was... recently... Is Bushu dead?

We're looking for Bushu So Bushu's alive He's just remembering how he killed Bushu Friso turns the form over And keeps writing on the back I seem to remember Bushu got in touch recently

This is going to be something that Also like put your medicare number and things that you already have. Let's say in the last three years I've seen bushes. Two years. One year. In the last year I've seen bushes. Stop reacting to the noises the audience are making and pick a number. We're doing Price is Right.

Price is Right on Dragon Friends Law. What do you reckon? One year? Higher? Lower? Two years? Three years. Three years? Alright, you Lower? Two years? You got this. Three years?

Three years. Alright, you write down three years. You give the form to her. She looks at it, scowls, doesn't know because it's not her relationship. Puts it inside a jar. Foof! Up it goes. Spins up into the heavens. And then another jar comes down, smashes on the desk. There's a pixie inside and he flies up and whispers in her ear. The pixie has a wee little quiche. If it's important to you, Ben. It's tremendously

important to me. Monsieur Pixie, you've arrived. Are you talking to my pixie? I'm so sorry. I'm fucking crazy. Yes, what? Oh, God. Ten more gold coins.

Ten gold coins. Ten gold coins. You gave a hundred gold coins to make Spooge McDuck a familiar. No, but that's the standard. She said this was standard. Every time that he says he's crazy. All right, all right, okay, okay. Pixie Whispers in my ear.

I go, thank you very much, Reynolds. Is this the pixie's name? Reynolds. Reynolds. Thank you, Reynolds. But of course. Off he goes. That was Reynolds.

Hey, listen. Reynolds there. But of course. Off he goes. That was Reynolds. Hey, listen. Reynolds there. That was Reynolds. You're stalling. Taught me something. He checked your form. Great. And all of it was this part good, this part good, this part good.

I'm looking at it here. And what Reynolds has circled is the time that has elapsed since. You're not so familiar. Is it like a thousand years or something? It fucks it up? I don't know. What was I supposed to say there? You have put

three years? Yes. It is twelve years. It's more than twelve years. Well, what Reynolds has put there is twelve plus. Twelve plus? Since I've seen Gribbets. It's more than 12 years. Well, what Reynolds has put there is 12 plus. 12 plus? Since I've seen Gribbets. It's been 12... Gribbets? Sorry.

Hang. Sorry. What the fuck goes on? What are you thinking about right now? Because you're obviously not thinking about this. So for Bushu... Bushu. Bushu.

Bushu? Bushu. We have 12 plus years. Now, as you will know at the Bureau, if you have been separated from your familiar for more than nine years... Nine years. ...that familiar is reassigned.

Not only that, once they are reassigned, they need to fill out paperwork to permit previous warlocks to find out their location. Now I'm looking here and what Remus just told me. Yes, well... And Bushu would probably want us to be able to find him and stuff. Absolutely.

So I thought as much because you said you had a good collegial relationship with him. I love Bushu. Yeah. So not only did Bushu not fill out that form, he filled out another form.

He wrote a form. Yeah. Which we do not have. So he like took A new form. Yeah, he took like a pen. Was it like he was trying to sign up for like a magazine subscription? Interestingly, no. He took a piece of paper... Was he applying for a passport? ...and put like a, let me finish,

a kind of crude letterhead to look like our forms. And he made a form saying, do not contact. And he filled that out. So usually it is enough. But is that for me or is that for someone else? That is specifically for you. What's the name on that?

Frieza, Frieza Officer. Well, that is my name, isn't it? Yes. So what we have here is a situation which we... He doesn't want to be found. We call it the Code Red

and you are going to have to leave pretty much like right now. You will not be... You went like everyone. Sure. Is there any amount of money I could give you? Absolutely not.

I mean, you could, but it won't do anything. Are you interested in the charred body of a goblin? Do you know what? It's so funny you mention that because I am not.

Alright, I've tried everything. Sorry everyone. We'll be on our way. And you can see that she's like reaching under the desk to press a button.

So you start literally pressing it under the kitchen. I chop off I chop off her hand. What? I chop off her hand. Who? I chop off her hand. Who does?

Filch. Filch chops. Gets out the nine lives, steal a sword, and she chops off her hand so she can't press the button. Okay, make an opposed initiative. She rolled an eight. Twelve. Oh, fuck. All right.

Okay, I'm going to jump across the counter and start hacking the computer. Okay, great. So we're going into combat, everyone. Roll initiative. She dives at the button, but at that point, Phil, do you take your nine life skills? Yeah, I wanted to give it a bit of a spin. Make an attack for me. Oh, I don't know what the...

It's a plus five. Oh, okay. Yep, that's 13. Oh, so then plus two because it's plus two, so it's 15. Which is her armour class is, well, 13 because she's not wearing any armour because she is a government employee. So you attack her and springs and bits go wild, make it attack. How much damage?

Ten. Ten points of damage. She takes it, screams back in pain. Her women's glasses go everywhere. And Bobby dives past her to her strange Eldritch 486 computer and starts hacking it. Is that right? I assume I can use, like, sleight of hand

if we're using sort of lock picking. Intelligence, I think I'm going to say. Dave, is there a security logon to that? Yeah. In which case, I'm going to cast a fucking spell, you dumb bitch. Sorry, Dave. Sorry. You got him, you dumb bitch. Sorry, Dave. Sorry. You got him.

Sorry, Dave. Sorry. Is it knock? Are you casting knock? No, I'm going to cast a fourth level spell that I've learned because I'm a fucking warlock.

Yep. And it's called System Backdoor. Transmutation. All right. One minute. And it allows me to gain access to

or allow access to any system. You're able to bypass any security system in order to create a secure login on a foreign system. So I give fucking Simon... How does that exist? Because it's in the fucking book, you... This was for the Swordfish extension. While getting sucked off. Yeah, this is... What's that movie called? Fishtail.

We were just talking about... It's called Sharptail. Where are you? Where are you when we talk? I was talking... I was showing Dave my thing that I found. And look at it. Look at his frustrated little face.

Look at his frustrated little face. It does say it bypasses techno-magic spells of third level or lower. So... It's a... You know what? It costs... And Dave, I'm doing it not even for myself.

I'm doing it to help Bobby. So I'm not even being selfish, Dave. All right. I should get one of those dice of inspiration. This isn't a wonderful life. You don't need to make your case for me. It does take a minute. So you're going to have to be able to...

I'll shut up for a minute. I can chop off another hand. Okay, sure. Bobby, what are you doing meanwhile? I'm just like, hacking? Tappity tappity tappity tappity tappity. You pull out a sword and start cutting into the computer. No, no, no. I'm like tapping, like going through the MS

DOS. Make an intelligence check for me. I'm in a fugue state. I got a 19. 19, alright. You quickly manage to get onto the keyboard, pulling it away from her. She yelps, covered in blood and springs. Logan, you're next. Is it just this one scary clown? No, nothing else going on? So far, but her stump

is just like hitting the button as hard as it can. Well, let's take care of that stump, Dave. Let's thorn whip, please. I'm going to thorn whip her hand and I pull it back. Make an attack for me. Okie dokie. 19 plus 6. That hits her. And that's 6.

4, 10. 4, 10 points of damage. Great. Okay, so between you and Phil, you kill the level 0 civilian. Bureaucracy, am I right? I have hold person. Use it now, quick.

And 54 seconds later, his eyes glowing white, Friso tapping away like a hacker on a very cheap American TV show, looks up, the terminal glowing in his eyes as he hears, access back door, accepted, hall of records identified and you are inside the mainframe you have access throughout the system and you are now in control of the pneumatic tubes that can take anything anywhere in the building he's free so seeing like Tron inside his head like

he's saying she's Keisha's he's seeing Tron if Tron was tiny irritating pixies on little like and quiches steampunk bicycle roll duck throwing quiches

at each other and one duck yeah and one duck who's whizzing between departments very confused and nauseous okay look

but you can also see the map of the building including the hall of records where all the records we need to get to the hall of records let's get in can We need to get to the hall of records Can we get in the tubes or are they not Friso taps some buttons and four jars appear

There's a little click as a door opens in the side of the console And a wand of enlarged reduce clicks out Regulation There's five of us so one of us is going to have to wait behind So I think we should draw straws I think it would be fair if we drew straws for us have to wait behind. So... I think we should draw straws. I think it would be fair

if we drew straws for us. I mean, I just think that, like, we're all in this quest. Yeah, we're all in the quest and we're all here. We're all in the quest. No, but I just feel like me and Bobby...

I mean, if it wasn't for Logan and the duck, we wouldn't be in here. Yeah, but I just feel like now that we're in here... Hey, come on. I just feel like... There's a pounding on the door

as the security. Maybe we should leave behind the person who keeps saying we're in here... Hey, come on. I just feel like... There's a pounding on the door as the security. Maybe we should leave behind the person who keeps saying they're fucking crazy. You don't know. I get in the jar. You get into a... Funk! You get into a jar. There's the wand.

Someone needs to cast reduce on you. Or are you just trying to get into the jar? I'll take that wand. Alright, Bobby takes the jar. The bond points it at Friso. Reduce, reduce. I'll reduce everyone. Me and Logan go in the the jar. The Bond points it at Friso. Reduce, reduce. I'll reduce everyone. Me and Logan go in the same jar.

All right. You all reduce. You're still, that's quite uncomfortable, but the two of you squeeze into a jar as everybody shrinks down into the jars and are now sitting on the desk, I suppose. No, no, we're in the jars and we're, oh, so someone's got to be enough to put us in there.

Well, yeah, how is that going to work? Can I cast fly and fly with the jar into the tube? I'm running out of spell slots real quick, Dave. Friso uses his third and final, no, fourth spell slot. His second last spell slot. I use Mage Hand to lift us all

into the... That'll be another one of them. Bethany uses her wings of flying and all of these jars stagger drunkenly upwards, upwards, upwards. What's Filch doing? Isn't...

Aren't I in a jar? Filch is in a jar. Yeah, but how is it getting up? One, two... Um, uh... Isn't... Aren't you mage-handing me? I can mage-hand.

A mage-hand can only hold something up to five pounds. These jars are about five pounds. Do I have a spell that I can disguise Filch as a very important must-send document? Because then they'll run in and they'll see it. They'll go, oh, someone's left this on the table.

You know, with your wild shape, that's enough people to get everyone up so you can all go up in your jars if you'd like. Yes, please. And so you make your way up into the jars. You fly up into the system. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. Make for me, I guess, a Technomagic bypass check

freezo. And honestly, that turns to ash in my mouth, but if you can just... Is that intelligence? Oh, I guess. 14. 14? 14, interesting. Alright, there's a whiz, a thing, and then

suddenly the jars splinter off into different directions through the building. As everybody goes to different departments, I'm just going to generate them now. People need to get five pluses. Three of you go down to the Animal's Dead Letters department. Friso, you go up, congratulations, to the Hall of Records. And Bethany joins you. So the party splits into two different groups

and we're gonna start first of all in the hall of records as your glass shards shatter down onto the floor. Alright, are we embiggened? Did you have the wand? No I haven't. Guess we're little then. Yes we're little. Are the honey eyes shrunk the kids little? Like could they ride an ant? Picture are. Picture, if you will, a jam jar and a sort of irritated... Six foot tall? What? A sort of irritated, irritating warlock who fits neatly in a jam jar. I'm thinking, like, a normal regulation jam jar.

So we're saying smaller than, like, a regular Barbie doll? A small mouse? Smaller than a jam jar. I don't understand. Why is this so hard for you all to visualise? Is it Bon Maman or is it um... Yeah. It's Cotties. Or is it one of those limited edition Looney Tunes ones that you can turn into a cup?

Sometimes you go to a hotel and the jam jars are like, they're real little. Or tiny ones. Yeah, all jokes. Who's fucking around with that? It seems like a waste of jars. You're the size. You're the pot's lit everywhere. You're the size of a Connie's jam jar. We're running out of glass.

You don't know about the lack of sand on the beaches, Dave? You're both the size of a Connie's jam jar and you fall down. Did you guys know that my dad picks the fruit? Where does it go? He never told me. He just picks the fruit.

Yeah, he just picks the fruit. He just keeps picking the fruit. My dad picks his nose. It goes to snotty's. Now, the jars were sealed automatically. You don't have the wand. And it seems that the hall of records

is currently empty as you smashed when we went down. Yeah okay so let's roll. I'm going to start tilting like this like to smash

onto the ground. Yeah you're in an inbox at the moment next to a whole lot of jars you're going to try and use your strength make a strength check for me

to try and roll your jars. You can both make strength checks. I'm not very strong, Dave. Well, you can use your last spell slot if you want. Oh, six. Oh, I'm good.

16. All right. Filch goes, rolls and smashes. Bethany, Bethany. Yeah. This is Bethany. Yeah, Bethany manages to roll it and smashes it off the inbox tray and smashes into pieces on a desk.

As you stand up on an empty desk, there's like a picture of a tiefling's kid. There's one of those executive toys. Yeah, it's like, it's one of the Newton's Cradles thing. But because it's fantasy, they call it like Fling Flong's fucking... And there's no strings. Bullshit. That's nice. That's nice world building.

It's just like the little... If I say so myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They call it Fling Flong's bullshit. And you get them at like $2 shops. But, yeah, yeah. They call it fling flongs bullshit and you get them at like two dollar shops. But of course they don't call them two dollar shops. They call them

fuck it emporiums. Yeah, one of them. And don't cheer that. You're here one day every few months. This is my life. You can't. Ben and Dave have roommates.

Okay. Like Ernie and Bert. Yeah, and then there's also... Two beds in the same room. Shaq has to sleep in another room with the baby. There's a lot of paperwork, and you can see what looks like a giant wall of scroll cases that seems impossibly large,

because you know you're in a tower. It's bigger on the inside, but there's this vast wall of scroll cases that seems impossibly large because you know you're in a tower it's bigger on the inside but there's this vast wall of scroll cases that seems to have huge reservoirs of knowledge in it. And behind you irritatingly is Friso who is pushing, flailing against a glass canister

that he does not seem to be out and Bethany other than that the two of you are alone. Okay well I'm just going to leave Friso there so he just doesn't get us into any shit. And I'm going to use my wings of flying and fly up to the bookshelf and assume it's alphabetically ordered.

Make a wisdom save if you're going to try and find this. And yeah, try and find... Bushu, wisdom save seven. All right, seven. It takes you longer than you wanted, which means that Bethany flies out of your vision, Friso, as you're sort of trapped on the glass, trying to look around as you see her just dart down the corridor

in what you can only hope is the direction of Bushu's location. Meanwhile, you'll continue to try and find your way out of the jar when you suddenly hear a hiss and you turn and look at a shelf above you staring at you in your jar is a giant irritated looking

colossal tabby cat. And it's growling. What are cats like? Possibly warlocks. Milk. You like milk? She looks at you and she hisses and then she lands on the desk

and she starts stalking around your glass jar as she gives it a whack and it rolls back against the inbox. Does it smash? No, for now it doesn't as you are but her plaything. But her plaything. I'm just going to try and break out of the

glass jar again. 12 minus 1 is 11. Does that do it? No, it doesn't. You give it another smash as she looks at you, comes close and hisses as we go down into the dead lettersters Lounge, a sort of bar deep underneath the towers of the Fae Lion Bureau. As you smash down onto the ground, I assume, Bobby, you pull out the wand and enlarge you.

Mm-hmm. And you find yourselves in a tastefully appointed employee lounge. There are a few fairies, gnomes, a lot of clowns, kind of some creepy clowns sort of dotted around having drinks, whiskeys. Hey, is there a Coke machine that is like $9.96 prices? Yeah, yep, yep. There's a lovely Coke machine and otherwise, and there's a bartender actually as well serving at a largely,

it's drinks and quiche. That's about it. Hey, what can I get you, pal? Drink or quiche? Quiche. Drink. Quiche. Drink.

There we go. One of each. You get a quiche, you get a liquid quiche and a glass and... And you have a second to react. You're obviously in the wrong place. Bart, unfortunately,

there's no pneumatic machine to send you back. Sure. Hey, Logan. Yeah. I can see that you're having a tough time. The bartender looks at you like he asked you a question. And now you're talking to each other, sighs and walks away.

He's a good quiche. Yeah, thank you. Hi. Never anything for Petey. I don't know if this is the right time to talk about this. Hey, look. I mean, those guys are on it. We'll be fine.

We deserve to take a minute. If we don't check in with each other and see how each other are going, it can get bad. Trust me. Why? Why are you being so nice to me? I mean, we're not all free, though.

I get that this is weird. I get that you probably don't want to be here. I was in another time, like, quite recently, and now we're finding people I don't know, and no one's checking in. I'm checking in. Make an insight check for me. I'd say 15 plus 3, 18.

You look into his eyes and for a second it looks like he's quite distant, like he's sort of removed from the conversation, as if there's a wall between the two of you. I grab his face and turn it towards me. Full of quiche. You pull it from his quiche, yeah. Stop saying kiss. I can hear you

and it's disgusting. Bobby's lips tremble. Oh my god. And as the two of them lean into each other, we spin up into the hall of records. We spin up into the Hall of Records. We spin up into the Hall of Records. Why we don't mention is that Phil just sitting in between them.

Yeah. We ordered like quiche. We spin up into the Hall of Records where amidst a smashed glass with very little space to turn, the warlock Friso is trying to back away from a cat that swipes at him. What's your armor class, Friso?

My armor class is 13. And you take suddenly a raking claw slash at your chest as you take another 9 points of damage. Is his glass broken? Yeah, I've moved the story forward so that's on top

of the 25 hit points that you already took hey Hing I bet you know what would be really beneficial in your situation right now an aggressive

Scottish duck I've got something better than that that's not true can I when if this is a fucking

pork roll... No. Player's handbook. Can I... When the cat goes to attack me, can I react and cast a spell? Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

Well, well, well. That is a legitimate application of Dungeons & Dragons combat. I would like to cast Halt Monster on the creature that I can see within range. Within 90 feet. Yep. The target must succeed in a wisdom saving throw.

All right. This is a cat, so it's wisdom four. What'd you get? It's a 12 minus an eight. That's a fail, baby. You are now... You know, the cat's not undead, is it? What?

Is the cat an undead cat? No, it's a tabby cat. It's not even a... You're small. You understand how this works? Yeah, no, I wasn't. I just didn't want you to... Actually, the cat was...

You know. So the cat is now paralysed. Yeah. And... And that was your last spell slot, actually the cat was you know so the cat is now paralysed yep um and uh and that was your last spell slot

so you can't fly you can't get off the desk you can't do anything like that I guess but I can I'm gonna

while the cat's paralysed while the cat is paralysed you can obviously you can um any attacks you do

are automatic criticals and critagrass but it does require concentration yes yes yes yes I yes, yes. I guess I'll...

How does it work with strength and stuff if you're little? Just tell them what your strength is. Just you attack. I'm treating it like a giant cat. Okay. Maybe I'll just slit its throat then, Dave. You're going to slit the throat of a cat. Fucking Martin McDonagh over here.

Hey, that's good. I'm going to take my... Lost all these guys, isn't it? You're going to take... Scum. the throat of a cat. Fucking Martin McDonagh over here. Hey, that's good. That is good. I'm going to take my... Lost all these guys, isn't it? You're going to take... Scum. I'm going to take my... Hey, someone gave you a thumbs up.

I'll take my glaive and I will... My two-armed... What's your glaive? The two-armed glaive. Oh, this is the weapon of... The smoky glaive? Of Skymaster Chiron, yeah.

Yes, and I will slit the cat's throat. All right. Am I being booed for killing a cat or being booed for using a glaive? All the disgusting things we've done. This is the one they turn on. I mean, I could also just witch bolt it, but I think I don't have any spell salts left, so I'll just... Picture, if you will, a vast and powerful promenade of magic,

a place where creatures, real and unreal, come together in the service of something greater, something pure, something truer than themselves, a mighty and powerful covenant between the witchling and the witch. In this precious place, the dragon friends and Bethany's smiles are separated by space, if not by time, for once in their miserable wretched lives as Bethany flitters hither and thither, fuck you all,

in search for what she is finding even now, an envelope that gifts her the last known whereabouts and current master of the familiar pseudo-dragon Bushu, which she tucks into her cloak. It is up to her to decide whether she wants...

Bra. Into her bra. I'm going to make you say bra. Into her bra. Say it, Dave. Gracias. Say it, Dave. Say gracias.

Against her bosom and nipple. With no decision. Dave twixt her bosom and nipple. And how the fuck would that work, actually? Not here, not 50,000 twixt. With no decision made yet. She cuts off her nipple. With no decision made yet whether she will share this information with the dragon friends.

Picture if you can. shelves and shelves away, Friso, a warlock with blood on his hands, slitting the throat of a tabby cat beloved by the charming bureaucrats. Here's the thing, everyone loves cats, but they kill a lot of native animals. Who work in the vault of records. A cat which he has paralysed. A cat which no longer poses a threat. And he's slitting its neck with a giant two-handed glaive. And nobody likes it.

And... Some people are fans. They're not clapping you. And just... And below that. Miles below that. Miles, miles, miles. Down deep in the bowels of the FBF,

near a half-orc who is eating a quiche, trying not to be involved as a turtle, proud druid, tortle that he is, I guess makes out with a halfling who died in space, has lived a countless lives and has had little to celebrate until now. Because love is a beautiful thing.

Adventures are best held with your friends. And I can think of nothing better to do in the FBF than make out with the druid you once met in a war zone. Thank you. Woo! The cast of Dragon Prince for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Cardy. Our dungeon master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot.

Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney on Gadigal land

in the Eora Nation. Until next time. Try your friends first time. Try your friends first time. Try your friends first time. What do you think was the mattress? The Queen of England.

Oh yeah, no. This is a normal mattress? I bought the mattress that the Queen of England Oh yeah This is a normal mattress I bought the mattress That the Queen of England Sleeves on You what? The lady from the Five dollar note

This sounds like a bit But it's true And I'm so glad We're finally all Talking about it Sorry I know most strange Things about Michael Hing

I have a Google doc going Of strange things About Michael Hing. I have a Google Doc going of strange things about Michael Hing. I cannot know this. Did you physically go, who's the most similar to my body shape, structure and weight? Yeah, a dead lady. It's a coffin.

Yeah, it's a coffin. No, this was before she died. I didn't look up, oh, best mattress for dead woman. No. Although you have looked up., oh, best mattress for dead woman. No. Although you have looked up. I've looked up mattress for living person. A normal Google search. And there were some ratings, and I

found one that was rated very highly. And then it turns out... And it just said HRH down the bottom. And it just so happens the Queen also sleeps on this mattress. I guess, like, there are certain... It's called the Balmoral. Like, it's made for the bottom. Yeah, and it just so happens the Queen also sleeps on this mattress. I guess, like, there are certain... It's called the Balmoral. Like, it's made for the Queen and also Michael Hing.

We don't have to dox me in... So does that mean you have the same, like, weird, like, spinal hump that she had? Like, what is it? If it's made for her, why is it comfortable for you? No, no, no, no. It's not just specifically made for her.

It's made for all of us. By the way, I'm starting to think that she's on back. Like, I think enough time has passed that people might forget that she wasn't. But I'm like, remember like that fucking Quasimodo queen we had for like so long? She was like everywhere and like, ring-a-da-bam!

She was like everywhere, like, ring that bell. And we had to be like, fine, and salute her. Your Majesty. So snippy. So the quiche arrives.