Dragon Friends - #9.07. That's What we Call a Placeholder

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

When Dave's away, the cats will spend most of an episode struggling to get to the plot despite being forcibly placed back on track at the start. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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three hours ago. And I said, if anything jumps out at you about this that might stuff up your plans for the future, just let me know. And I didn't hear boo from a goose or Dave until right the second when I went down. I saw a little pink cursor. Oh, no. Because he just the second entered the Google Doc. Oh, damn.

It's like he's here with us right now. And I've got to tell you, pal, it's too fucking late. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. It has been... Hell yeah, great job.

Thank you. An amount of time. Let's go. Since your daring escape from the House of Records, I have a note here saying, look up if it was called that. I don't believe it was. The details of the escape,

how Friso managed to rejoin the dragon friends after killing a cat for no reason and make himself regular size, how they all left the building undetected the parchment containing the whereabouts of bushu tucked secretly into bethany's top how there was some awkwardness after logan and bobby made out not just because they were friends but because mate because making out with a giant turtle navigating that whole mouth situation is a circumstance... The beak....abound with awkwardness. The details of that escape and reunion

are far too fantastical, far too vibrant and cinematic, too great an object to bring forth on this unworthy scaffold. But suffice to say it all happened and let us never speak of it again. Hang on, hang on. Yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep.

I don't usually listen to these things when Dave's doing it. But I thought I should listen to Ben's one because he's DMing and he doesn't do it very often. It's his first time and I wanted to give you some respect. It's definitely not my... You were present for the other... Yeah, go on. That's the first one I remember.

But did you just kind of say, all the unexplained plot points from last time well we'll wave some hands and now they're all dealt i don't recall waving my hand did you say unworthy yeah once you're in the hot seat out a funny thing happens where you just start mispronouncing words for no fucking reason and i really fucked it up and it's a shame because it's a little shakespeare quote that i just snuck in there for the losers. What was the Shakespeare quote? It's appropriated, but too great an object to bring forth on this unworthy scaffold.

They have scaffolding in Shakespeare's deck. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. I wouldn't have thought they would have. I thought that was a pretty modern invention. I mean, Shakespeare made up words all the time, so there's a chance it's one of his. Okay, imagine a scaffold, put it in your head,

and now imagine it's made of wood. Well, that's what I mean. Is that because there was no metal in Shakespeare's time? No, they had swords. They had swords because those are in Romeo and Juliet. They're actually all made of swords. It's just swords. Just latched together.

Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Sorry. Sorry, Dave. I mean, sorry, Dave. I'm now starting to realise that there's a reason why Dave doesn't open his, that makes sense. Sorry. Sorry, Dave. I mean, sorry, Dave. I'm now starting to realise that there's a reason why Dave doesn't open his spills with Shakespeare.

Yeah. All right. So that's all done and I think it was dealt with really well, actually. Yeah. That time jump. So where are we now?

Well, here's the thing. Bethany, when you took that parchment which has the whereabouts of Booshu on it, the other dragon friends don't know you have it uh before we get on to the next part of the story have you given any thought to how you're

going to play that did you want what do you want to tell them what ben's asking you is do you want to do his homework for him yeah okay i'll do i'll do your work for you no no but do you do you are you going to just... Dave just seems to say it a little bit more naturally. Yeah, I know. I miss him too, Alex. I miss him too. Has he said has he written anything good yet? No,

he just sent me a text just now saying great job. Is he watching? Are we live streaming this today? No, he just talked about my notes, which he didn't seem to have a problem with. Yeah, it's because you can't mispronounce words unless you want to spell them wrong. Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. Now, the four of you find yourself back in Waterdeep at a tavern.

Again, there's a note here saying different name to this. You can say it, big fella. What is it? The dumb, stupid witch tavern. It's a good tavern. Witch or bitch? Witch. The dumb, stupid witch tavern. It's what we call a placeholder in the biz. But you're there.

You're all enjoying a pub dinner and trying to ignore the dwarven open mic comic doing gear in the background. What's he talking about? I don't know, Michael. You're the only stand-up here. Yeah, but I'm not DMing this motherfucker, am I? So what kind of things would a dwarf comedian talk about?

Well, I think I'd talk about whatever a comedian would do. I don't think it defines them, Michael. What style of comedy is this dwarf doing? He does comedy about growing up Greek in Australia. Yeah. And can I say, for those who are listening, it's fucking killing. So you're there.

Bethany Smiles, you know what? I am going to do your work for you here. Bethany Smiles excuses herself from the party. Excuse me. I have to shit. Damn. And with that incredible cover. Bethany Smiles excuses herself from the party. Excuse me, I have to shit. Damn, what have you been eating? With that incredible cover, you will not see Bethany Smiles for at least two days

as she works out the final piece in this diabolical puzzle, a puzzle which once solved may break the contract which binds the Beef Babes and Dragon Friends together. So with Bethany away at her errand, the three of you, four of you rather, sit at the dumb stupid witch tavern and talk. Oh, wait, I didn't order an ale. Hey, me didn't order ale.

Me want to speak to the owner of this establishment. We're the dumb stupid witch. Hello madam, it's just a name. My name's Jeremy. Hi Jeremy. Yeah, was there a problem with your drink? Yeah, me ordered an ale. Yeah, that's an ale. This is piss. What? This is human piss in a glass. It's human piss in a glass. Let me taste that. Glug, glug. Alright, well I'm drunk piss now, so...

Wear the dumb stupid wish. Me wanna file a complaint. I've already got over this, madam. It's just a logo that my nephew drew. I throw my drink at it. Oh! You swill him with piss? The logo or the guy?

The nephew is standing underneath it as he paints the logo. Oh, no. It's watercolours. It's all going to come off now. Does piss dissolve watercolours? Yes. How does everyone know that? Everyone knows that, Michael.

How does everyone know that? It's because piss is mostly water. You know what? I'm calling in to Dr. Carl tomorrow. I am so sorry. I have no idea. Is everybody else's drinks alright? I haven't got my drink yet, actually.

Alright. Have you got... Has anybody... No. I ordered... I ordered a nice drink and it hasn't come yet. Here you go, sonny! No, I ordered a nice drink and it hasn't come yet.

Here you go, sonny. Well, you took away one of my characters, so I'm taking some initiative. Sure, sure. Right, who is this? I'm the dumb, stupid witch. Oh, I heard you were just a figment of that poor nephew's imagination. That piss brought me to life. Honestly.

Okay, we'll run with this. That's fine. How many hit points does the dumb stupid witch have? Just so I know for this adventure. Yeah, she's like got ten. Okay, because she's hanging around really, I foresee. She's not got many. Okay, because she's hanging around really. Did you know paper was made out of leaves?

I didn't know that. Thank you, dumb, stupid witch. That doesn't feel very stupid. That feels like a smart thing to say. Wait a second. It's not true, though. Okay, so she's here for a bit? Yeah.

Wonderful. I've got to say, have you ever thought of franchising? Because this is a wonderful place That comedian is doing an incredible job Oh yeah, yeah We call him the Gob Boy Why's that? Because he looks like a goblin

And that's racist because he's actually a dwarf Yeah That is very confusing Well, they don't call me the dumb stupid witch for nothing. Eat your newt. You spy across the room. Walking into the light is a figure of a man. It is a man, in fact.

Wearing all black. A black waistcoat, a black top, a black shirt, a black hat, and big mutton chops. He's an older gentleman. Is he a cowboy? No. Did you hear that disappointment? Everyone wants him to be a cowboy.

I'm sorry, I can't. I've already got a dumb stupid witch on this adventure and I can't have a cowboy. What does he look like? What kind of hat is it? It's a top hat. I just said that. No, you be a cowboy. I'm sorry, I can't. I've already got a dumb, stupid witch on this adventure and I can't have a cowboy. What does he look like? What kind of hat is it? It's a top hat. I just said that. No, you said a hat. You didn't say top hat.

Well, it's a top hat. Is it Abraham Lincoln? No, it's not Abraham Lincoln. Is it a magician? Hang on, let me just check. No. Okie dokie. Is it crumpled like a hobo or is it in...

Well, he's looking at your table. And he actually... It's not crumpled like a hobo. He's kind of immaculately if shabbily dressed. Hey, take a picture to last longer. Bobby yells out. Bobby does yell that out? Yeah. He starts walking slowly toward your table.

Don't worry, it's fine. The proprietor makes himself scarce. I got this one, Jeremy. Don't worry about it. She's there as well. Excellent. Hello there, fella, sir.

You now see his face is pale. His eyes are sunken. He is older than you thought he was. He has a grim look on his face and out of his jacket he wordlessly pulls three black envelopes and he puts them down in front of Bobby and in front of Hing.

In front of Friso and in front of Phil. What about the old mate? And then he looks at Logan. And I put my hands out like this Please can I have an envelope? And he goes Like he kind of drops the axe a little bit And he's like

You don't talk, give me the thing Bobby hands him the envelope He's like you can open this one, we'll share it Shut up, shut up What? Shut up What? What. What? Shut up. What? What else are you guys sharing besides spit?

Share the envelope. Fraser, you hear about this? What happened? These two. How much do you want to know what happened between these two? I'd say give me like a PG version of what happened. I say. And I'll invent the rest.

Look, we should get this out of the way. Nothing's going to be different between us now. What happened though? We did a kiss. We kissed once. It's fine. It happened. It went for seven seconds.

That's such a long kiss. Well, to be fair, I didn't really know. He doesn't have any lips. It's very hard to know what I'm kissing. So I was really sort of just working things out as I went along. But I think we got there. Yeah. Have you guys talked about it?

Well, yeah, it's been cool. It's just something that happened. And you guys are just chill with that? We're fine. We just want to make sure there's no difference in the dynamic. Do you know that he kissed Filch one time as well? No. That's not true.

Do you know that? We don't know that. No, I didn't know that actually. Do you know that he kissed Filch one time as well? No. No. That's not true. Do you know that? We don't know that. No, I didn't know that actually. Do you know that? We woke up in the same bed and we don't know. You woke up in the same, not just same bed, each other's arms. Well, strictly him and mine.

The black clad figure is starting to sort of shift awkwardly from foot to foot. What are you... Do you think... What was your name? My name... Yeah. Is Obadiah Finch. What?

My name is Obadiah Finch. Well, Mr Finch, what do you think? If you were in a situation Socially Right? Where you'd sort of Made a romantic You had a romantic time with someone

A colleague A colleague And then The next day A couple of days later at work Sure You found out that they had previously Had a romantic

Potentially Romantic evening With another colleague Okay And you're all working together. Do you think someone should have declared that earlier? I'm just dropping the envelopes off to the relevant parties.

But do you think... Yeah, it seems dicey to me. Doesn't it? But we don't know if anything happened. When you're my size, often you just end up with a little spoon. It just happens. I don't know, it's just interesting because I'm also a large fella and I've you just end up with a little spoon it just happens yeah that must be okay I don't know

it's just interesting because I'm also sort of a large fella and I've never woken up with someone else in my arms you didn't realise you had a type Bobby

yeah if I could just do you know I'm gonna and then like he's sort of he's gone you don't really notice but he's gone

wait Obadiah no he's gone he left what do we need is that I noticed but he's gone. Wait, Obadiah. No, he's gone. He left? I think so. What? Do we need any other information? It's all in the envelopes. Do you work for the postal service?

Go away. Do you want to join us for a drink? A private courier? He's gone. Anyway, as I was saying, this isn't going to change anything. So, you guys going to kiss again or what? Probably not. Why do you care?

He don't care. Me just want to know what you said. Professional boundaries. Okay, I stick his head back in the door. He's like, typically, people have opened the envelopes by now. You know, like somebody just walks in all black and drops envelopes and then that sort of supersedes. Dude, this is just like another Tuesday for us.

Yeah, okay. Phil's just like, what envelope are you talking about? The one I put in... Here's what I think. I thought it was a coaster. Oh, you put it in there. I put it half in my mouth and I pull it out like, oh, yeah. I've got a spare.

There you go. Goodbye. Wait, hang on. You had a spare? You made me share with him under the dynamics that we've shown? He's gone. God. I think even though you two don't really know if anything happened between the two of you,

the fact that you're awkward about it says all that needs to be said about it. I'm not awkward about it. You're trying to stir shit about this. Am I? Well, why did you bring it up? Because I think Turtle has a right to know. Who? Who?

Turtle. Tortoise? Yeah, but his name. You're not here. He left. He's back. What's the name of the guy who just left who we met one second ago? Obadiah. What's your colleague's name you've been working with for a year?

This guy who has saved your life, been at your back in battle situations, has joined you on your quest to save your life. What's his name? Tortle. That's like... It's my race, so it's... Yeah. Is it?

Look, actually, Frieza, this isn't the first time you've done this. What, to this character? Called him Tortle. The witch takes one of the envelopes and goes, What have we got here? Looks like I do come in handy as a character after all. And I can read. What does the envelope say?

I mean, what does the letter inside the envelope say? Are you guys going to open your envelopes? Please. Thanks. What? Logan! It's Logan! Don't call me Logan!

He was... It's about two minutes late and he just looked at his character sheet. This is bullshit. All of yours read as follows. So do you want me to do it in the voice? I'd rather you didn't, in fact. So we're reading in our heads then? Yeah, but you can kind of hear it in Obadiah's voice I guess

Because you just saw him and it's kind of fresh Even though the witch was the last person to speak You kind of associate him with the envelope So Obadiah delivered it and wrote it Well yep it's possible Okay You are most somberly invited To the funeral

of Gribbons Sinclair, last of his name. His surname was Sinclair? To be held this evening at the Eversleep Meadows, in brackets, Stinkmarsh of the Bog. Placeholder?

Where a life tragically cut short will be celebrated. Refreshments available after the service followed by a reading of the will. Dress code funereal blacks. That's all it says. When did Kribbitz die? Kribbitz.

You fucking killed him last episode Who did? You personally Fraser? Yeah, you personally killed him last episode Was it like a... We stopped down and everything Like I listened back to it, right?

I tried to listen to last episode today But the drive I do now is much shorter Sure So I listened to the first 18 minutes of the podcast. Yeah, no, it happened after that. And I listened to it because I thought this might happen. And Dave did say, for the avoidance of doubt, in that little way he has,

he said, for the avoidance of doubt, you have just killed Gribbets properly. And you went, yeah. It wasn't a great idea, but your heart was in the right place. He's dead. This is an invite to his funeral. You know, traditionally, when someone kills someone,

you wouldn't invite that person to the funeral, would you? No. Well, this is an interesting point. And I think that when you think about how the body was left and found, you actually, and based on this invite,

you actually, there's nothing to say that you are a suspect. If anything, it's Logan because he didn't get an invite. Or the witch. Or the witch. So do we think this is the cops trying to, like, size me up or what? This is a sting operation? You think they're going to investigate death of Gribbets?

Well, he was a lawyer. When you kill a lawyer, people get like... I think if you didn't show up, I would be more suspicious. So, should we go in disguise? No, because then it would look like

you didn't show up. Or... They tracked us down to this shitty pub. I think we should probably just go. Well, I should probably say something, I guess. Like an obituary?

Yeah, at the wedding. I mean, at the funeral. What's it called? A eulogy. A eulogy. Usually they'll tell you if they want you to do one. Well, I think if... Without me, apparently he wouldn't be dead.

Is this something you're going to say in the eulogy? No, I'm just working it out in my head. Sure, yeah. Is this like you're thinking, like, get the best man to do a speech because he introduced the bride and groom? Yeah. I introduced Gribbets to his death.

Funny story, without me, none of us would be getting these sandwiches. Do you want to talk, Bobby? I think you've got your own shit going

on right now with Logan. We're completely fine. We're not actually turmoiled. There's something going on. The person we know

is Gribbets. What's his real name? Gribbles? Sinclair? Was just in that? Gribbles, Sinclair. Is that your final answer? No, because they're laughing.

All right, are you guys going to go? Yeah, we'll go. You have maybe a couple of hours before sundown. I'm going to go to the costume shop and get a costume just in case. What kind of costume are you going to get? Okay, there is a costume shop a block away if you want to go. My sister owns it. You can bring the fucking witch. Yeah, I'll go buy a cowboy costume in case I need a disguise to get away.

How would that... Okay, sure. Yep, that's fine. That's very smart to me. Thank you so much. I want the proper cowboy costume that has like an eye mask as well. You should go get like a full Orville Peck with the tassels coming down from the...

You're talking about a Lone Ranger sort of thing. Yeah, a Lone Ranger. Sorry, I was saying Lone Ranger. Do you guys have funeral kind of blacks that you can wear? Something that's... Not on us. Sorry? Not on us, I don't think.

I guess we'll have to get stuff from the costume shop as well. Yeah. So we'll all go to the costume shop? Yeah, but we'll get tasteful stuff from the costume shop. Yeah. Okay, well, it's a block away. What costumes are famously all in black? You could go as Death.

A bit on the nose. I'm just saying it's all in black. Yeah could go as death. A bit on the nose. I'm just saying it's all in black. Yeah, that's classy. Abraham Lincoln also. Are you guys walking to the costume shop? Yeah, sure. It would be funny if three of us were dressed as Abraham Lincoln and one of us is a cowboy.

Is the witch coming? No, my sister will take care of you. Who the fuck is that? She's called the fuckhead witch? She's called the fuckhead witch. She's called the what? Fuckhead witch. So the four of you and the fuckhead witch go down the street. Alex, you're playing the fuckhead witch?

Yeah, that's correct. Would you roll a d20 for me? Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Happy to. That's an 18. Fantastic. There is the sound of a horse getting out of control.

Good party. A carriage is coming towards you, but because you rolled an 18, you have a second to react. So roll another d20 for me for agility. Okay, I kick it in the balls. It's a 15. I don't have my witch character sheet. Yeah, no, that's balls. It's a 15. I don't have my witch character sheet.

Yeah, no, that's fine. The witch is fine. How's the horse? The horse died, actually. I had huge plans for that horse. So I guess we're going to the costume shop. Alright, we're going to the costume shop. Now, you own this?

You run this? No, my sister owns it. We hate each other. Aren Now you own this? You run this? No, my sister owns it We hate each other Aren't you the fuckhead witch though? No, Ben got confused Right, okay, okay So introduce us to your sister Are you playing the sister as well? I'll play both sisters

Like a fucking hydra You take away one part and three grow together I do get a feeling that Ben tried to take away one of Alex's characters so she could just have one to focus on and now she has three. Yeah. What the fuck is that? She's got a different cackle. You know what that is, Ben?

A taste of your own medicine. Okay, so show us the... Do you know how great sewing is? As opposed to reaping. Alright, so can you give us the first witch? And then this new witch? Is that one French? Excuse me.

Did a gap year. I'm in the market for an all black cowboy costume, please. Righto, handsome. All black. Right, so like an evil cowboy kind of thing. Yeah, right-o, handsome. All-black, all right. Yes, like an evil cowboy kind of thing. Yeah, a mournful cowboy. Oh, very nice.

Yes, I've got this one here. It's from a movie you haven't seen called The Cowboy Who Killed His Mum. It feels like it gives away a lot of the plot in the title. Does it start with him killing his mum? And the movie explores... It's a very nice scene.

So the whole thing is building tension. Is this cowboy going to kill his mum? But it's called The Cowboy Kills His Mum. That's right. Can I tell you something really strange about this? I'm currently having an out-of-body experience. Because typically, I would be sitting here,

really enjoying this riff. Maybe even egging this riff on. But as it stands, all I want to do is kill my feelings. All right, so here's how it starts. All right, no, here's how it is. There you go. Cowboy killed his mum. Does anybody else need a fucking costume?

What have you got in black? I've got Zorro from the movie The Mask of Zorro. What have you got in our sizes that are black? I've got Zorro from the movie The Mask of Zorro. What have you got in our sizes that are black? I've got Darth Vader from the movie Darth Vader.

Is that the prequel to Darth Vader kills his mum? That's correct. Yeah. And I've also got an iPhone. You could dress up

as an iPhone. No. Can I dress up as a... Do you have a costume for a stage technician? No, but my stage technician, Rodney, is just out the back. You could take his clothes. Please don't do that, ma'am. I go out the back.

Sorry, why does a costume shop have a stage technician? Because at night they do a variety show. It's like a Dracula's sort of dinner theatre thing Financially it makes sense because the costumes That's terrific because everybody have some black clothes I wrote the sentence

funereal blacks because I thought that's what it would probably say That's what the invite would say It would probably say a dress code. If I thought about it for a second, for a second, I would have been able to anticipate this would have happened. I'll take Darth Vader from Darth Vader,

please. Do you have to roll the pants up? Oh, what about you, Handsome? I've also got a panda that is really badly done, so it is all black as well. Wonderful. I'll take that. Thank you.

The really badly done panda. Does it fit a tortoise? Why do I care? Why do I? Good question. I'll put you into a fitting room right away. And I guess Fields will go as the iPhone. Terrific.

Which is some sort of fantasy rectangle. See you at mum's for dinner on Sunday. Oh no, actually I've got the show on Sunday night. Oh yeah, that's right. You never come to my show. Well that's because it's not very good. I'll kill ya. The sun

has begun to set in the city of Waterdeep. Stink Marsh Bog, where they have named Eversleep Meadows, is about a 15-minute walk. And you walk it! You walk it! Minute one, nothing happens. Minute 15, nothing happens. You know, just a tip, Ben. Yes, mate.

When you get mad and yell, you're trying to control the situation. But actually what yelling does is it actually lowers your status. Oh, so I should Mendo this. Yeah, in our eyes and in the eyes of the audience. So you've actually, I know you're trying to take control, but actually you yell, it makes it look like you've lost control. Okay. I just say.

Do you remember the last show we did at South by Southwest where Dave got so mad that he spilled an entire can of an alcoholic grape beverage over his work laptop. He looked like a fool. He sure did. Ben Mendelsohn would never. He wouldn't. No.

Okay, well, I'll take that on board. Except for a DM, the rest is like, it may be more sinister time. I'll take that on board going forward. Thank you very much. Shut the fuck up. So, arriving at Eversleep Meadows, you see, first of all, PU, it stinks. Stink Marsh Bog has a pungent aroma. But in the middle of the bog, there is a huge gothic building

adorned with gargoyles and with a spire that climbs into the night sky. The sky itself looks as though it is threatening to storm. And standing at the entrance to that building is Obadiah Finch, the man you saw at the tavern. And he's handing out, like, little sad little programs. You can hear in the distance the drone of an organ playing somewhere from within the building. Next to him is a small woman who's sort of similarly dressed as him.

Oh, Daya. Hi, I'm Fraser. We met at the pub before. What? What are you dressed like? I think I'm a mournful cowboy. Have you seen the movie The Cowboy Who Shot His Mum?

Well, no. I watched the first, like, two minutes and then I realised that the whole thing was given away. I was wondering, will there be a portion of the funeral where anyone can speak? Just like that? Is there an open mic, is what he's asking.

Is there like a... I know a great dwarf. For the eulogy, I could say a few words. Well, actually, as per the Willard Testament, Gribbons Sinclair did ask... Gribbons! What? Did ask that one of the three of you speak. But now I see that there are four of you. Does anyone else want to speak? Filch, do you want to? You knew him best. Excellent.

We were so fond of... Was he your son? We just had a whole thing, but I'm the aunt. I run the... You're the funeral director. That's right. Who's that lady? What?

The small lady next to you. The small lady. Oh, hello. This is Flack. Flack? Flack. And what's your... What's her deal?

Oh, I'm so honoured. I'm so very honoured. You his mum? What? Are you Ob. You his mum? What? Are you Obadiah's mum? She's like, she looks like she's like in her 20s. She's obviously like trying really, really hard. In fact, do for me an insight check.

Not very insightful. 16. 8. Okay. And... 5. 16. 8. Okay. And Boba Lobagus? 5. Okay. You get the sense that there is something about Flack

where she is extremely nervous but trying not to show it. Okay. And she goes, Oh, it's such an honour to meet people who actually walked in the footsteps of Gribbetson Clare. We are so very honoured to be putting on his funeral. Are you a cop? What?

You have to tell me, otherwise it's entrapment. Are you a cop? I'm not a cop. I'm just... What? If you're a cop, you have to tell us. Oh, it's such a sad and horrible day. And then she, like, nudges Obadiah. This is the fourth one. And Obadiah says, yes, indeed, indeed.

We were not, there may have been, because an invitation was bespoiled by being used as a coaster and I replaced it with... We have four invitations, that's right. Yeah, no, I understand. That's, um... Yeah, no, I understand. That's, um...

Yeah, no, and he turns to Flack. Hey, hey, hey. I don't have anything to do this afternoon. It's completely fine. No, good. And, you know, as Gribben Sinclair often said, friendship and fellowship makes the cup runneth over. Who's that?

Okay. And he whispers something to Flack, who goes, like, they have a little argument, and he goes, just deal with it! And then she scurries off into the building. All is well. All is well. We are all met.

And I'm sure you're ready to mourn your dear, wonderful friend. Freezo, am I to understand that you're on your phone? Why, what? Nothing. I was just going to get... I was writing my speech. Are you looking... What?

Ping is on the fan-made Dragon Friends wiki. Don't throw me under the bus. What are you doing? All right. Am I to understand that you will perform the eulogy? Yeah. Did we say perform? My apologies.

I'm just a bit emotional. I've never dealt with someone of the stature and standing of Grimms and Claire before. Yeah. No. I will do the eulogy. Please. Will you follow me? The rest of the mourners are waiting.

The rest of? Who knows Gribbles? Yeah, meet the Gribble, our only friend. His only, we're his only friend. Okay, we'll just... Okay. Whoa! And I look around.

It's nice! What do I see? It's nice? Yeah, it's like this big cavernous room. It's like a church, like a cathedral. It actually feels kind of weird, like it shouldn't be that big. You know what I mean? Like, even without any kind of special powers of insight, you can see that this is maybe bigger on the inside.

Yeah, right. It's a beautiful cathedral. There's stained glass windows across the walls. Make for me, everyone, a perception check. Thirteen. Plus something. Fourteen. Nineteen. Eight. 13 plus something 14 19 8

Frieza you actually noticed that the stained glass windows actually depict key moments in Gribbets life what? yeah as if this

like whole edifice or at least the windows have been built just for him you see him representing the meek as a defender, you know, in court. You see him fighting a dragon single-handedly

with a huge sword. You see a one where he's got this massive dick. What's he doing in that one? Massive and normal dick. Just hanging out. Just like standing there, hands on hips, naked. You see all that stuff. It's candlelit.

There's a bit of moonlight streaming in. And you are alone. Wait, is that in the portrait of him with his dick out or just in the actual room? What? It's just diegetic or non-diegetic candlelight. Was it a portrait of him in the moonlight with his dick out? Oh, no.

It's probably like in a meadow scene. Oh, daylight. Yeah, it's daylight, but the moonlight is kind of giving it a beautiful kind of new context. You were correct that there aren't many mourners in fact there's Flack

and there's Obadiah and there's a very small very frail looking woman sitting at the front

she's a goblin not a woman she's sitting at the front by herself with a little a little bag and a little a sad little hanky. But she is immaculately dressed.

Oh. Hello, madam. Hello. You must be Mrs. Sinclair? Lady Sinclair. Lady Sinclair, my apologies. Who minds anymore? You're his mother.

What? You're Gribbets' mother. Gribbets? Gribbles. What? Gribbets. Gribbins. Like rhymes with ribbons?

That can't be right. Gribbins? Were you Gribbons' friends? Yes. Yes. And she puts her hand on Logan's shoulder and goes, tell me, will you just tell me one fond memory of him? Oh, well, where can I start with a fella like Gribbons?

He was always the jokester. In fact, one time he pranked me so hard we were having a sleepover and he put my hand in a glass of warm water and I woke up very angry and I throttled him. Whoa! But we laughed about it.

I'm sorry for your loss. She kind of like edges away on the pew. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. He drags her back. And another time we were out for a stag do. Our friend was getting married. Obadiah takes to the rostrum and says, we are here to thank you, everybody.

Calm down. No more. Four people in the room. He just keeps going. That's enough. Bit of shush. Quiet, quiet time. His voice echoing off the room. He just keeps going. That's enough. Bit of shush. Quiet, quiet time. His voice echoing off the wall.

Big T. All right. You've been warned. Trying to get started here. All right. Good people. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Is it too late?

Sorry, I was catching up with my sister. Oh, God. Roll a dice. Roll a d20. Roll a d20. Yep, that's a six. Okay, your fucking face explodes and you die. Okay.

That's what that was. That was a check to see if that would happen. And do you know what the dice check was? Do you know what you had to get? A thousand. Need more dice for that, I think. Okay.

I'll avenge my sister's death and I'll take up any amount of time to do it. But sad. We are gathered here to remember Gribbons Sinclair, philosopher,

academic, lawyer, defender of the weak. One of his dearest friends, Frasofri Sofferson, will now deliver the eulogy. Oh, by the way, you see next to the next to the sort of dais, the rostrum, a beautiful, like, ten-foot-tall marble sculpture of Ribbits.

He looks ripped. You can't, like, his dick isn't out, but it's got that energy. You know what I mean? It's a very flattering marble statue. So, just, this is me talking to Michael Hingham. This is not Friso saying this. But I just want you to know that some of the details from the wiki actually contradict some of the things you've said.

Okay. So, Friso takes the microphone. Is there a microphone or something, or a tannoy? There's four people there. Okay. Hi, everyone. My name's Friso. Sorry, I hope it doesn't...

Bit of shush! Bit of shush. Now, I... I... I knew Gribbets quite well. He was my lawyer. And whenever I got into a scrape, we'd hire Gribbets.

Whether he was defending us for murder or for thievery or any other crimes that we committed. Or didn't commit. He would defend us with, I want to say competence.

So it is ironic then that he was himself killed and we will never know who did it. And I guess... Lady Sinclair starts wailing into her tissue. And his beautiful, wonderful mother,

Lady Sinclair, is here. And I'll tell you, Lady Sinclair, I promise to you, look at me, look into my eyes, look at me. I will not rest until I hunt down the dog that killed your son and I remove them from this earth. Because I love your son, Gribbets, the goblin lawyer. You see out there in that stained glass window?

Look how good his dick is. Whereas I know canonically that he has a bad dong. I know that. Because during the first season of Tomb of Annihilation he earns the nickname Gribbets the Weapon and Filch also noted that Gribbets has a bad dong. I know this to be

true. Lady Sinclair looks less sort of moved at this point. I also want to say that in other seasons of our adventures, while we were being tried for the murder of Hyperion Max, we summoned Gribbets to the court to defend us and it doesn't say exactly how it went, but I guess I'm not in prison so

that's my eulogy uh okay as you are wrapping up as you are wrapping up um all of you start to hear uh a whisper coming from the walls of the church it sounds like this

repent repent repent what going on with them walls and it's getting louder and louder and louder that word over and over again repent repent repent you're asking Obadiah what's happening yeah I'm I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. It's very clear that neither Obadiah or Lady St. Clair can hear this. Bobby, are you hearing that? Am I hearing it? Yeah, yeah, all four of you.

Actually, no. All three of you are hearing it. Actually, no, all four of you are. Dave never does this. Yeah. Maybe one of us, another one of us should say something. All the candles in the room suddenly go out like that, leaving you in pale moonlight. I want all of you to make a perception check for me.

Can I just say, it's weird to do a funeral at night. I was thinking that. It's just a tricky day. You do it during the day, otherwise it's just scary. 22, 7. 7. Is this perception? Yeah.

15. Okay. Logan, you can hear the sound of almost like two rocks grinding against each other. Ooh. You look up and you can see that the statue of Gribbets, the 10-foot statue, standing next to Friso is moving. It's turning its head toward Friso and starting to slowly reach out a marble arm. You have advantage, so what would you like to do? I'm going to quickly just thorn whip Friso's leg

and pull him away from the statue. Yep, yank. Do you need to do anything for that? Does he need to do anything for that? Do you want to treat it like an attack roll but I don't want to hurt him? What was that? Attack roll.

Just let him do it. Fantastic. Yank Friso out of the way. As all of you now notice that the statue swipes at the air where Friso once occupied. And in a sound like marbles kind of rolling around in a bag, you hear a voice coming from the statue saying, in a bed. You hear a voice coming from the statue saying, Gribbons! My name

was Gribbons, you fucks! He turns, or the statue turns his attention on the four of you. I suppose Friezo is now kind of huddled at Logan's feet. We are going into combat. We've set

initiative. Bobby, you are up. up Okay I'm going to cast Earth Tremor Yep So he's got to beat 15 He does not beat that Alright so he's going to take 5 points of damage

He looks He looks pretty great actually And he's fallen over Logan it's on you. Oh, snap. Is it still really dark? Yeah, it's pretty dark. Oh, shit.

I'm going to use daylight just so everyone can get a hot, sweet look at this. Great call. All of you can now see very well. And you can see that the statue is there and moving. And you can also see, by the way, that Finch and Flack and Lady St. Clair seem to have vanished. Oh, those little fucks. She was a cop.

Who's up? Sorry, it's on Filch. Okay. I'm going to get my maul. And I'm mad. I'm so mad that I didn't actually get to speak at the eulogy. So I'm going to attack it. So try and kneecap this statue with my maul.

Well, I got a natural 20. Nat 20, baby. All right. That probably has consequences. All right. And I got a... How much damage? Seven and a 11. Okay, great.

That 20... A maul is a very good weapon against a creature made of stone. And you actually hit him... Where did you say you hit him? Kneecap. Yeah, you actually hit him. Where did you say you hit him? Kneecap. Yeah, you actually take off a leg. Like the whole thing shatters, crumbles onto him.

The statue goes, Fuck! And starts to stagger on one leg. It's holding itself up now by the rostrum and the rostrum's kind of like buckling under its weight but it's still swiping out

madly. On his one remaining leg I'm going to cast Hunger of Hader. So this causes a gateway to the dark world to appear around a certain area. Okay. God, I feel like Dave would be so much better equipped. Are you trying

to fuck me, Michael? I'm reading it from my little red book of spells. They're very easy to print out. So this void is filled with a cacophony of soft whispers saying things like, Ooh, your dick is bad. Do you think a statue's going to care about that? Well, I don't know.

Maybe Grimmits is inside the statue. I don't know. Okay. Anyway, and then there's tentacles that come out. Is that all it does? It just makes a mean space around somebody? Any creature that is in the thing takes 2d6 points of damage. Okay.

Cold damage. Okay. For every turn. Let's see if this statue is affected by bullying. It's cold damage. Yeah, sure. So roll 2d6s and tell me if... I have a feeling it's...

If I give a shit. D6 it. That's 14 damage. Do you know what? The statue... Sorry. The meanness portal opens up and you hear some nasty things about marble

being an inferior building material. Yeah. Which doesn't seem to faze the statue at all. That's two D6 damage. Yeah, but then it takes... 17 damage. Yeah. Which doesn't seem to phase the statue at all. That's 2d6 damage. Yeah, but then it takes... 17 damage. Yeah, then it takes... Yeah, then it gets bloodied by the tentacles or whatever.

And it's actually not looking great. It's the statue's turn now. It's going to... How fast can it move? It is going to take a lunge at you, Logan. Go for it. Try me. What's your AC?

Oh, you know. It hits. Okay. It hits you for 2D6s. Oh, no. It hits you for 7. I'm a turtle. And now it's back on you, Bobby. No! Says Bobby. No!

Says Bobby. And looks around for an exit. It's out. No, but is there... What? Is there... Bobby's suspected that this is some sort of magical thing that's happened. I'm looking to see, are we sealed inside the thing? Are there doors still open?

There are doors. You can try the doors. Is there anything around to be used as a large sort of bludgeoning weapon like something that would work against marble in the... There is a ceremonial scepter. Don't know if that's any use.

All right. I'm going to take that ceremonial scepter and whack the guy with it. Yep. What do you roll? That's a 16 plus strength.

That's a 17. That hits. And roll for me. Scepter damage. This one's like a 17. That hits. And roll for me. Scepter damage. What do we think? 2d6? Sure. That's a seven.

Whoa! All right. Where do you hit him? Right in the dick. Nice. Right in the dick. Nice. Strong.

Strong. It wrong-foots him. Logan, you're up. All right. So he doesn't like bludgeoning. Is that this big? Maybe. Who can say?

Okay, I use my sling, and I sling him. Oh, David and Goliath. Yeah, just like that, but total versus big guy. Oh, so what have you rolled? It hits. 19 plus. Okay. What's your sling worth?

My sling's worth two. And where do you hit him, though? This is crucial. Is he holding himself up like that? Yeah. I hit him in his wrist. With two damage? Yeah, I suppose so.

All right. There's some tendons in your wrist. Yeah. You hear a noise that sounds like a slightly disencouraging ping. But hey, every bit counts. I'm a turtle. Alex. Filch pulls out her deck of many things.

Do I just pull one out at random? Okay. And she pulls out the one that says the void. What does that mean? I'll look it up. Hang on. We're looking it up. Okay.

We can fix this. It sounds good. It sounds like that would be a nice, clean way to defeat an enemy by opening up a nice lovely void. Stare deep into the void. So... The black card spells disaster. Your soul is drawn from your body and contained in an object in a place of the DM's

choice. One or more powerful beings guards the place. While your soul is trapped in this way, your body is incapacitated. No! What does Filch say directly before this happens? I wish there was another character I could play. No. What does she say as she reaches into the bag of many things or whatever?

She says, It's Grimmets, dammit. Great. She does that and then immediately goes limp She collapses Face that Everybody, even the statue is shocked Because she's big and the thud is very, very loud

And Ben, you've got to choose an object Yes To store her soul in Yes So where will Filger's Well, all of a sudden Light starts emanating from Filge's body and she has a beautiful blue soul that is huge

and sort of starts seeping out of her body and floating directly above the sort of... Mise-en-scene? Yeah, the mise-en-scene. And it's lighting up the whole room and it looks beautiful even on top of Logan's already lighting. Everybody watches as it darts up, looks around and then... You ready for this?

Yeah. And then swooshes toward the door of the church where at that moment a gruff witch is bursting through to avenge her sister. And it shoots into her body, knocking her up against the wall and knocking her out completely. Everybody takes a moment to try and pass what just happened. And even, like I say, the statue is more motionless than it seemed even before it was animated by forces unknown. What have the dragon friends

gotten themselves into by accepting this invitation? What has Gribbets planned for them in death? And what, indeed, will happen to Phil, whose soul is now housed in the body of a beloved NPC.

The fuckhead witch. For answers to questions such as these tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you! Oh dear. We don't need days. No, fuck it. A very streamlined episode. The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Cardy.

Our Dungeon Master this week is Ben Jenkins. We have live accompaniment provided by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Euro-invention. Until next time. If you're an international Listener to this podcast

Press pause After I finish talking And Google a man Called Nick Giannopoulos He is I would say One of Australia's Three most successful

Comedians And has done A lot of jokes About being Greek In Australia Using a word That other Countries find offensive

That in Australia Has a different context Key to this though Is I'm pretty sure He got into a fight With either Justin Bieber or Drake at a nightclub one time. Drake. Was it Drake? He fought Drake at a nightclub in Brisbane, I think. But basically, the bouncers were like, Mr. Giannopoulos, can you please line up?

Because Drake's party's coming through. And Nick Giannopoulos was like, in Australia, we don't have celebrities and got into a fight with Drake. Wow. He's so much cooler in my estimation now. Drake or Nick Giannopoulos was like, in Australia, we don't have celebrities and got into a fight with Drake. Wow. He's so much cooler in my estimation now. Drake or Nick Gianopoulos? Nick Gianopoulos. Yeah, fair. Drake's not cool because he got beat up by Nick Gianopoulos.

Allegedly. Sorry, allegedly, yes.