Dragon Friends - #9.08. Ita, Et

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

Remember when this exact thing happened to the Critical Role guys and they were powerful and competent enough to resolve it in an elegant epilogue?Yeah, I don't think we're going to be that lucky. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alright Benjo, how was your break? Were you rewriting your little adventure? Um, yeah, I mean like we often make jokes about Dave having to rip up his notes at an interval and I just want to say I think those jokes are cruel and I think that we really like have done some learning and growing and realised that it's not funny when that happens. It's not funny, it's stressful and it's sad in many ways. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die.

Dragon friends must die. It has been mere seconds since you saw a beautiful blue light rise up from your friend Filge, hover in the air briefly, and then head toward a beloved NPC witch who had just burst through the door. You saw the light enter her. You saw her crumpled to the ground,

rushing over to her. Because some of you would understand what Phil just done, I assume. Yeah. You rush over to the body. And what do you do? The body of the witch? Or the body of the witch? No, Phil just lying prone, face down.

I guess... You can roll into the cover position if you want. I don't care. Yeah, well, I guess I shake the witch. Okay. While you're shaking the witch, you notice that the area that the light entered into her, there is now a hole around the size of the lid of a Pringles can.

What? Or whatever the fantasy equivalent of that is. Fantasy Pringles. And the hole continues through. It is punched straight through her. Like a hole punch. Nice. Like the whole can has gone through her. Like somebody has taken a Pringles

can and fired with the soul of a half-orc in it and fired it at great velocity through an unworthy host. You know what it's like? It's like if you put a Pringles can into one of those pneumatic tubes. Into a t-shirt cannon. And then fired it at a witch. At a it's like? It's like if you put a Pringles can into one of those pneumatic tubes. Into a T-shirt cannon. And then fired it at a witch.

At a witch, exactly. It's like that. It's gone right through her. Oh. And is she okay? She's very... She's not only dead, like never coming back dead.

Well, I guess I'm ripping up her character sheet. Okay. Oh! But you also get the sense... Do for me, Michael Hing. Yeah? Because you're the one holding her. And shaking.

Do for me an insight check. Ooh, not very high. very high well actually it's 11 sorry 11 plus insight is 5 16 yeah that's going to do it this object this corpse

contains no soul so the soul of Filch has entered this witch and has exited the witch and has taken the witch's soul as well no the witch's soul is gone that's what I mean why taken the witch's soul as well. No, the witch's soul is gone. That's what I mean. Why is the witch's

soul gone? Is she dead? Is that another way of saying, yeah, she's dead? Yeah, she's dead. It went into the air and like it's never coming back. You know what I mean? Did it get collected on Filch's one like a soul combat? Weirdly, it didn't. Weirdly, that soul punched through

and the witch's soul just like fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. I thought it maybe would be like a Congo lion. No, it wasn't, Michael. It wasn't. Because that witch is dead and gone. So wherever Filger's soul is, it's not in this witch. Damn. Okay. So do we

know where the soul is? I don't believe so. Do you? Do we know? Wait, we'll follow the hole. Does the hole go through down underground? That's interesting. There is actually, if you follow the trajectory of the hole, you can see it has punched through one of the doors to the church. That's a good soul.

If I may say so myself. Follow that soul, guys. Before you can do that, you hear a voice coming from the walls. The same place that you heard repent, repent, repent. But it's not doing that anymore. It's saying this.

What the fuck? What the fuck was that? What the fuck? Can I use detect magic? Yep. I don't know how to do that. Or older 19, it worked. There is no magic.

Oh, it's just someone whispering in a wall. What the fuck? Get me out of here, Steve. What the fuck? I'm going to do a perception check on the back of the statue to look for a trapdoor. That's a three.

Yeah. I mean, it's the same as if you rolled a 20 and you don't find one. Not to give the game away there. But you hear the, like, I can't see! Let me out! What the fuck? I think somebody died! Or somebody got really hurt!

Steve! Steve! No, what's the word? This is a code blue, I think. Who's Steve? There's no Steve here. Where are you? There's Friso, Bobby. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. Say my name. Who else are you with, Friso? There's Friso.

Yes. Bobby. Yes. Obadiah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's Friso. Yes. Bobby. Yes. Obadiah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's Lady Sinclair. Oh, yeah. There's the body of the fuckhead witch. Yeah. There's the body of Filch.

There's Flack, who's obviously the assistant to Obadiah. Oh. And you would be remiss if you forgot. Wearing a giant panda suit. All black. All black. All black, everything. There is a mourning tortle.

So what do you do about the voice on the wall? I... Well, no, so there's no Steve here, buddy. No, get Steve! Get... Oh, God, is everybody okay? I heard a noise! And then I heard... No, get Steve! Get... Oh, God, is everybody okay? I heard a noise, and then I heard... No, nobody... We're very fucking not okay. One of our friend's soles has just flown out of her body. Oh, God, no, this isn't gonna... What's the statue doing?

It's just there. Where are you? Yeah, it's sort of bent over on one leg, stuck in its own dick. What? It's not meant to... Oh, okay. Look, there's a... The latch is stuck. If you go to the wall of the church... Yep, okay. Are you going to go to the wall? Yeah, I'll go to the wall of the church.

As you go to the wall of the church, you feel that this wall is extremely cheap. This is like made of plywood. Huh. Yo, it's like next to one of the symbols. It's like a secret little... Can you see it? Oh, yep. Okay. Okay, you open it and this like young guy kind of flops out. Who are you?

I'm Liam. Liam? Yeah, what the... Oh my god! Is that a dead body? It's two dead bodies. Oh my god! Is that two dead bodies? And MY GOD IS THAT TWO DEAD BODIES?! And I guess this is a funeral, so there's probably a third one somewhere. Oh man! Oh man! Oh man! Where's Steve? Steve's dead.

WHAT?! We killed Steve and you better tell us exactly what the fuck is going on right now otherwise you're next little boy. Oh man, I'm just an actor. I just wanted to just do some... Where'd you study? What? Where'd you study acting? I studied at NIDA.

Yeah. The Necronomicon Institute of Damon... Albon? Yeah. The guy from Gorillas? Yeah. I'm just a man. They just said it was just go in the walls and say repent, repent.

And then you had to do some stuff later with a mask on. Who told you to do this? Steve! It's like six bucks an hour. It's fine. Oh, my God. This is the bit where you fight them. Oh, did you blow off his leg? That's gonna cost

money. Alright. Listen, Liam. I'm gonna kill you. What? Don't just say that. I just... You're an actor. I've given you some motivation. Okay, but like

you should say I'm going to kill you unless... No, no, no. You just get to choose how you die now. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, man! So, we could kill you quickly. Uh-huh. Liam.

Yeah. And make it a painless death. Okay. Well, not painless, but, like, a quick death. Or we could, like like draw it out. You know who's fucking... Friso! What are you doing?

I don't know. You have taken... Our friend is dead? I don't... I don't care if this is some sort of misdirected like placement of that feelings for your colleague, but this is not how we are dealing with this guys can I just say that like none of this is part of the package like we just

do like revenge funerals and everybody do what like revenge funerals they're a thing. Friezo kill him. What? You're in the business of revenge? That's awful. No it's fine. No wait wait wait wait wait wait wait you can Wait, wait, wait. You can put it in your will. You can put it in your will. What do you put in your will? You say what? What do you put in your will? You say all the people who wronged you and you give us a list of all those people

and we scare them for an afternoon. That's it. That's it, man. That's what we do. We make them... It's like the ghost of Christmas past. We make them think about that Mozzie couldn't hurt you. I mean, he could hurt you a little bit, but there are safeguards, man. Look, look, um, uh, uh, statue, uh, uh, sit. And then the statue just like sits like a dog.

See, it's fine. And Steve's been watching all over this, but now I've got two bodies here. Hey, go touch the, go hold the witch's bodies here. Hey, go hold the witch's hands. What? Just go hold the witch's hands. Okay. Get your prints on the witch. What?

Just touch the witch's hands. Hold the witch's hand. Okay, I'm doing it. I'm putting them in. Liam, do you have a copy of this will that you've been talking about? I think Steve does. We need to find our friend. What?

We need to find our friend. Who? Filch. Wait, Filch? Filch is the orc over there. No, I know from the call sheet. It's the big one. Okay, do you have a way for us to transport a body?

What? What I'm assuming is... Oh, I've got one. Okay, do you have a way for us to transport a body? What? What I'm assuming is... Oh, I've got one. Okay. I've got the wand of shrinkening and embiggening. Fuck yeah. Alright. We're gonna make one of these bodies, we're gonna make small. Yeah, Phil, so we can take it with us and we can find her soul. Put the soul back into the body. Wait, her soul's

gone? Dude, honestly, do you wanna die or not? Okay, I'm gonna just uh, okay. Okay, her soul's gone? Dude, honestly, do you want to die or not? Okay, I'm gonna just uh, okay. Okay, we're gonna shrink Filch, we're gonna put her in, does anyone have anything to put Filch in? Uh, I've got a bag.

What else is in the bag? Quite a lot of gold coins. Okay, that sounds dangerous. I'll just put her in my pocket quite a lot of gold coins. Okay, that sounds dangerous. Let's... Look, I'll just... put her in my pocket and then let's...

I could put... Hey, here's a crazy idea. I've got a pork bun. We could shrink her down and put her inside a pork bun. Okay, I'm just going to put her in my pocket and guys, start looking for traces of that soul.

Like, start at the witch and let's see if there's any, like, scorch marks or... At that moment, there is, like I said, there's the hole

in the church door as if it's flown out into the night. Does everyone want to investigate the door? Yeah. I'll do an investigation check. That's a 16.

Okay, you notice that it is, obviously because you saw it happen, it's come from the inside out. It's blown out of the huge trajectory. But also what happens is you get knocked over and take like 1d6 of damage as the door swings open. And standing there looking cross and a little worried

and with that permanent sunny disposition nonetheless is Bethany Smiles. What the stinking heck you guys? I left you for three seconds. It felt like three seconds from where I went

and it seems as though you have crushed a funeral and you're dressed as Darth Vader from the movie Darth Vader. And you're dressed from one of the worst movies of all time. I've not seen it actually. The cowboy who

killed his mum. Did you know that I played the bartender in that? Hello scary lady. Hello. This is about to break into song. Hello, scary lady. You. Yeah?

You need to get your boss down here right now. Okay. Okie dokie. Okie dokie. Okay. Okie dokie. Okie dokie. Okay. He scurries away out the door and you don't really see where he goes. So judging by the hole in this witch

and the hole in this door and the hole in a really big toad that I walked past on my way here. Let me tell you, that toad was bigger than a Pringles can. Your friend Filch, who is now lying face down on the floor, has somehow played the deck of many things, got the card The Void,

and now her soul has been sucked into an unknowable place, into an unknowable object, guarded by two powerful beings. Would I be right? Yeah, I think that's sort of what the void is, I think. Yeah, and we're just about to shrink her. Oh!

You were going to shrink her, were you, Bobby? I'm going to shrink the body and then we're going to go... What we do is we go on quests. Bethany. Don't! So generally speaking, Dave, or someone will give us a quest. Don't elf-splain quests to me Sorry, I just Freezo

Sorry, Anthony I have just been looking at some very important legal documents that name you And let me just say, you've got to get a good lawyer Well, I recently killed one So, actually he wasn't even a good lawyer I killed a bad lawyer So Well, maybe this time try't even a good lawyer. I killed a bad lawyer. So, probably not relevant.

Well, maybe this time try and keep a good lawyer alive because I know that there is one little guy called Bushu who is not very happy with you. Damn. I know where Bushu is. Okay. Okay? Okay.

But now it seems like we have to deal with this little pickle that you guys have gotten yourselves into. At that moment, you hear a rumbling and the walls of the church just flatten out and all of a sudden you are in a kind of dark void. There's a bonfire in the middle. All of you, like the lights go out. All of you, like Bethany go out. All of you like Bethany, Friso,

Logan, Bobby. All of you are facing a bonfire and around this bonfire are four figures. It's like Wolverine. Yeah, that's a good way for you to remember it actually.

It's like Wolverine. Or the succession guy, if that helps. No, Wolverine's better for that. Great. Around the bonfire are three figures. You just said four, didn't you? Well, there's three wearing beautifully carved and twisted and demonic Bobby face

and beautiful and twisted Friezo face and beautiful and twisted Filge face and then kind of off to the side is a fourth figure wearing a kind of like, it looks like it was made in about five minutes, sort of Logan face. Like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah, pretty much.

From a really good reputable costume shop down the road. Yeah, somebody's possibly possibly just like run there. And there's no one manning it. There's no one manning it. Absolutely. So they just got it for free. They're standing around the fire. And in front of the fire is the figure of the man you know as Obadiah.

And he's really going for it. He's saying, dragon friends, repent. Bobby just goes up and punches him straight in the nuts. Repent for your... Oh, fuck, that went right in my nuts. You lied to us. You told us your name was Obadiah.

Damn you, you dickhead. That's not my... Oh, fuck. Where's Liam? What? We sent Liam to get you We know all about your little revenge funerals We know all about your

Your bad acting We know And I And look And I've I was trying to scare Liam And I might have threatened to kill him And I think he's run away now

Oh well I don't know I just I got him from an agency It's fine Oh okay Well yeah You got us guys

I guess Yeah well You know There's champagne Round the corner and there's a whole thing where you're meant to fight a... It's like the end of the game. There's a reason he's called Finch. It was directed by David Fincher. What was?

Oh, my God. I thought they'd really like that. What was directed by David Fisher? The Game, which I'm kind of doing a riff on. What's The Game? It's a movie, is it? It's this lesser David Fisher. You know who would like this?

Who? Dave. Dave. Yeah, Dave would love this. Did he direct Saw? Because it's kind of like Saw as well. It's not a million miles from Saw, right? He directed The Head in the Box.

Spoiler alert. Yeah, that was the original title of the movie. But they found that it spoiled the thing. It didn't make sense for a lot of the movie, and then it made a lot of sense for one bit of the movie. And he says there's sandwiches to eat. Look, let's just... Oh my god! Are they bodies?

What have you done? Oh, no. There's only a single body because we've made one small and put it in a box. And then Liam bursts in. He's like, Steve, something's gone real wrong here, man. I've called the watch and they're going to be here any second, but this is

real bad. Sorry, Liam. Did you go to the cops, mate? Did you go to the cops, mate? I've been talking to the cops, mate. How would you go and talk to the cops? Oh, man. You know you can talk to me about stuff.

Oh, I feel real free. Mate, you know that when you've got a problem just come see your Uncle Freezer. You don't need to go to the cops. Oh, I don't like go real quick. Mate, you know that when you've got a problem, just come see your Uncle Freezer. You don't need to go to the cops. Oh, I don't like this at all. Yeah. Because now what you've done is, you've put me in a hairy predicament, mate. Uh-huh.

Because I like you. You're a great actor. You fooled me with all that stuff. I think you've got a lot of talent. Oh, thanks. But I can't go to jail, mate. What? I can't go to fucking of talent. Oh, thanks. But I can't go to jail, mate. What? I can't go to fucking prison again.

Oh, no. Do you think it would help if I came in with like a Jackie Weaver sort of character? Sure, sure. That'd be great. Bethany doing this now? Yeah. Oh, stop it. Oh, darling, look at you.

It's okay. Uh-huh. You're going to be... Don't listen to him. You're going to be okay. All right, pet? And then Liam feels a bit of kinship and trust and goes toward Bethany. Because he won't go to prison, don't worry about that.

Why? You will. Why? You will, won't you, sweetheart? We just need you to do us one little favour, mate. Uh-huh. You just need to say that you killed that witch. What?

And you can hear the horse and carriage. In Fantasy World, they don't have sirens, but they do have a creature called the... Can I say, your adventures are a lot more Flintstonian than Dave's. They have a... A squawking bird. Yeah, kind of bird.

Played by Nick, I believe. Ah! Run away! Ah! That's pretty good. Wait, wait,

wait. The cop's bird tells the people they're chasing to run away. Come on! Come on! He's got a narc.

Unfortunately, those birds have a really good union. It's like nothing they can do. So you hear the telltale bird in the distance. We're coming! So Liam, mate, your prints are already on the witch's hand. The cops are going to think you did it.

We just need you to take the fall for us on this one. And Steve's like, Liam, mate, do you understand how bad this could be if this looks like an OH&S thing? Because honestly, revenge funerals has been going from strength to strength to strength up until this point. It's a great concept.

It's really good. But I've still got a mortgage on the house over this thing. If you go to prison for this, if you go down for this, Liam, I'm just saying, you know, it would be very appreciated by not only the company, but also the larger

improvisational community. You mean the Improv Guild? The all-powerful Improv Fantasy Guild? The Guild of Improvizers? And he takes out a ring. With yes and written on it. It's yes and in Latin. And kisses it.

And kisses it. And puts it in his pocket. And then he takes out another, like, a ring that would fit Liam's finger and says, once you get out of prison, mate, you could be in the guild. Fuck, if you haven't seen Animal Kingdom, it's a great film. It's a Animal Kingdom, it's a great film.

It's a wonderful film. It's a great film. It's a terrific movie that launched many careers. Okay, so the siren's getting closer. What do you guys do? We need to follow that song. What direction did you say? Where's that toad?

If we put a direct line between the witch and the toad that will give us a trajectory to find the direction of the soul. Okay, well it was five paces north of here. See? Fantasy's hard. Fantasy's so hard. You just need to tell us

where the toad... The toad was five paces. It was just behind the witch. I was saying the toad was like... It was the witch's toad was five paces. It was just behind the witch. I'm saying the toad was like... No, it was the witch's toad. The toad was just outside the door? Yeah, because she was like, wait, here, I got this. And then she got fucking Pringles canned.

And the toad was like, wait, boom! So everyone, let's go check out that toad. Can I do like an arcana check or something like that? Yeah, do an arcana check. To what end? I don't know. The smoking bits of the hole. Maybe it has like signs and stuff on it.

What's that? Yeah. You can't speak when I'm speaking because then I don't hear it. 16 plus 1. Tell me where they went. Come on. I mean, it's headed. You can see from the bird.

This is in our canter, but I suppose you can see from the bird that it headed in a straight line, as Alex said, heading due north. Okay. It was headed due north. Who wants to race? Hot damn. Oh. Headed due north.

Who wants to race? Oh, damn. Oh. Has Filch's soul been imprisoned at Santa Claus's workshop? You're going to try and set up a Yulmas, huh? Like, due north, we'll follow this to the North Pole. North, north. Can I just say, for the purposes of this being Dave's problem,

absolutely. Who can say? Who can say? Dave's problem? Absolutely. Who can say? Who can say? But as DM, I say, you might be understanding that. I just think the last, because the last episode

of this we're going to do will be around Christmas time. It's going to be around Christmas time. I think there's a wonderful synergy there that won't be my problem. Yeah.

Because I'll be sitting there. You could play a horrible little one of those elves. I could play a horrible little jack-off elf. It'll be great. You know, the elf that can't stop jacking off. And again, that'll be Dave's problem.

He'll be going, oh, a can of this and dice that, and I'll be going, ah! This is the happiest I've seen you, Ben, the entire session today. Because I'm thinking of manifesting the future. Sorry, Simon, it's a question. I have a question for the druid and the mean wizard, whatever you are. The warlock?

The warlock. I can cast Mind Spike. If I cast it on Filch, one of the side effects is that the target can't become hidden for you if it's invisible. If I cast it on the body of Filge, does that give me a reveal of where her body is and where her soul is at the same time? This is a philosophy of magic question.

Can I do a Dave here? This is what Dave would say. Ooh, Simon, that's actually, that is interesting. That is interesting. I think, for the purposes of, I think that... No, no, no is interesting. That is interesting. I think... For the purposes of... I think that... No, no, no. The risk is that she'd take 3d8 psychic damage.

How many hit points does the soul have? We don't want to kill the soul. I know, but I guess if it's the only thing we've got... Anyone else got a better idea? I think we just go due north. We just follow the due north toad. The toad, yeah. At this moment, by the way,

this is like very inopportune moment, a clearly pre-planned orb descends from the ceiling and you see the face of Gribbets. Oh no. And he's doing a slow clap. It's like a pre-recorded message. Yeah. And he's doing a slow clap. It's like a pre-recorded message.

Yeah. And he's like, well, well, well, my friends. Oh, great job. If you are watching this, I am dead. But I suppose also that you have learnt a lesson. Oh. also that you have learnt a lesson. Oh. I hope the ordeal that you just

went through wasn't too frightening. The stone statue, the trial of atonement, and of course, all the rest. Let me assure you, you were never in any real danger, my friends. But I assure you, you were never in any real danger, my friends.

But I hope you have learned about the value of friendship. And then he's like, should I do another one, or is that... And then... Oh, let's give it up for Kribitz, everyone.

Alright, you do see... You do see to the north... ..a very, very faint trail. A very, very, very, very, very faint trail, sort of like phosphorescence in the darkness, in the distance, kind of sprawling out to the north. Are we going to follow it? Yeah, let's follow that.

Yeah, we follow the phosphorescence line. Great. So all four of you head out of the church where you are met immediately by a cordon of police. Be here! Jesus Christ, that burn. Officers! Hello?

Nobody move! I take my wand of embiggening and embiggen myself Ant-Man style and start sweeping policemen out of the way. Okay, so I guess that's combat. How big can... How many cops are there? There's like 20 in a quarter. 20 cops?

What? Is that too many? No, let's make it 20. I got level 5 spells. Let's fuck them up. Man, Dragon Friends has really unsubtly become

an ACAP podcast. I guess we've got to kill some police. Okay, so Bobby is now like how tall? I'm going to use the wand myself. So it's 50% change. So I'm going to do it one, two, three, four, five times. That's pretty tall. How big is that in Westfield Shopping Centre doors? Let me tell you something for free.

He's not getting into Lowe's. You know what I mean? It's so ironic because they're the only ones who would stock shirts that are big enough for him. That cunt sort of saunters into Lowe's They're going Nah I can't help you

You know what I mean So that's 7 metres tall Sorry That's 7 metres tall Yeah no you're very tall Well done Yes Okay then I'm going to

Turn myself into a werewolf Big boy I draw my sword Oh he's just showing up For Lowe's Oh and you've He is You've never You have never done Anything this cool before You brought a sword? No, he's just showing off for Logan. Oh, and you've... He is!

You've never... You have never done anything this cool before. This is fulfilled. I mean, no, it's just for my... But a sexy tortle with, we know, a canonically huge dick takes an interest in you. And a cappuccino machine, let's not forget. And suddenly you're all Mr. 20-foot werewolf. Alright, the cops are like, stop doing that!

I eat them all. I just eat them. I just chomp them down. Would Dave make him roll for that? Yeah. Okay, roll some dice. What do you want me to roll? Roll a d20 and then tell me what it says.

It says 19. Chop, choppity, chop. Yeah. Okay. Little pig, little pig. You ate six of the 20 cops. You're up. Bethany's up?

Yep. She's just going to get out her Holy Adventure longsword and just start slashing at the nearest cops. Yep, okay, cool. They're making 14. Roll for me to 20. Yeah, I know how to do that bit. I got a 20, yep, and then I got a 8.

Yeah, okay, you seriously maimed two of them. So now there remain 12 cops. So these cops aren't... That's great work, Ben. 14 minus 2 is 12. So these cops, they're not magical, are they? They're just civilians.

No, but they've got crossbows and they're about to take their shot. Fuck, I guess I'll just kill a cop. Yeah. Is there one that looks like a recruit? Like a new cop? What? Yeah, I mean, there is,

but there's also the guy who's in charge who hasn't been eaten or killed. Like a rookie or something? What? Like a rookie cop. There's a guy who's like, to hasn't been eaten or killed. Like a rookie or something? What? Like a rookie cop. Yeah, there is. There's a guy who's like, to be honest, he just kind of joined the force because his dad, who's now been eaten by a werewolf, by the way, was a cop and he always wanted to impress his dad.

Yeah, of course. We all have our reasons. We also all have our choices. Sure. Friso's going to talk to that cop. Okay. Hey, mate. What?

You may have made a mistake here because he has got his crossbow aimed at you and it wasn't his turn yet, as far as I understand. But you've made it pretty close to his turn. Yeah. And he's shaking. And you're going to need to do a pretty big intimidation check. And if your Mendo is good, you'll get an advantage.

But otherwise, he's going to shoot you through the dick. Did I do good? Was that right? Was that nice? Hey. Hey, mate. What's your name? Mo.

Mo? Yeah. Ben. Ben. Well, Mo, I just... Was that your... That was your dad who just got eaten by that werewolf, right? Yeah.

You think about your mother at home. She's just lost her husband. She doesn't need to lose her son as well, does she, mate? Okay, roll for me with advantage and intimidation check. Advantage? Yeah. That's a nat 20. Fuck!

That's a good Mendo. Mo hands you the crossbow and legs it out of there. Should I shoot him? Should I shoot him as he runs? If you don't, he'll become a wonderful grown-up man and maybe a chef. God. Okay. I won't kill him. That's very big of you. I won't kill him. That's very big of you. I won't kill him. Because here's the thing,

if I had killed him, he'd be shot in the back and everyone would know he died a coward. Yeah, that's true. Okay, there's now 13. 11. 12 minus 1 is 11. But if you plus, it's 13.

Yes, but we minus because he left. Yeah, but if you plus, it's 13. So that's how I got there. It's now the cop's turn. The commander, who none of you have thought to take out, is like, oh, you're going to jump for fire. You've been warned. And he goes, fire.

And they release a volley of arrows in your direction. At Friso or at everyone? At everyone. I'm not entirely sure. How that works. How that plays out. Mechanically. I imagine that.

I think the weapons have an armour class. You need to make 11 attacks. Yeah, so I'm just going to do one for all of them. And that is a six. Well, my armour class is 12, so none of them hit me. No, it doesn't hit me. What have you got? So all of them miss.

All of them, every single one of them. I suppose it's my turn because I didn't get to go the first time. It is the tortles' turn. His name is Logan, Ben. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. What's the environment? Would I be right to say we're outside of the church?

Is there maybe some grasslands, some trees and shit? You are outside of church. We're in a bog. So there are some yucky kind of trees. Wonderful. I'm going to cast Wrath of of nature which is a level 5 spell which basically just makes like everything lose

it's absolute shit at whatever I targeted it at does that spell oh so you can target it it won't lose it's going to be a big space so basically what happens is in a big 60 foot space

a bunch of stuff happens one any trees or vines just like whips the shit out of everyone this is in one turn it's like beats the fuck out of everyone. Any of the grass and stuff. There's difficult terrain for everyone.

And then I get to launch. I love this part. I get to launch one rock. One big rock at someone. Okay. Do you need to roll for that or? I think there's some saving stuff. So why don't you just roll and if it gets over.

Actually, I'll do it. That is a big hot five. Okay. Yeah, you take a bit of damage. Okay, so here's what happens. Nature just goes nuts at these cops. Vines, as you previously mentioned, start lashing at them. The trees start baying and moving in very unsettling ways.

I want to see one get swallowed by mud. Okay, one cop get swallowed by mud and he was one day from racist retirement. So he goes down. Was he retiring from racism or was he retiring to be a full-time racist?

Yeah. One of them, like nature's just going fucking nuts. Butterflies are pelting one of the cops. And to be honest, it's not doing a lot. Worms are crawling up through the soles of the feet of some of them. Ew! Yeah, it sucks.

That's cool. It sucks big time. And tell you what, they're on the verge of freaking out. And I will give anybody... I don't think this is how damning works, but I will give anybody advantage for intimidation if you want to try and make these cops flee. I will, like, I'm a 14-metre tall werewolf.

I'm just going to, like, roar, like, so loud. Like, slavering jaws, like, right in. Okay, roll with advantage. And let's hear that roar, please. Two and a two. Oh, baby with advantage. And let's hear that roar, please. Two and a two. Oh, baby. Meow. Rup.

I guess that empowers them somehow. Yeah, they're like, rally boys. Oh, they think he's so cute. I probably cough up a cough. Oh, doggo. And they get an extra turn. They're going to try another volley, and that's a big hot four. So again, these guys haven't been trained very well, I'll be honest with you.

Bobby yells out, hey, everybody, jump on. Let's get out of here. And I crouch down so that everyone can crawl onto my back. What do you guys do? Yeah, we all clamber on. But while we're clambering on, I'm just going to shoot a couple of Eldritch Blasts at the cops. Okay, you kill like three, James, roll, that's fine. And I'm going to gallop along following the phosphorescence

away from the scene. And as three weary travellers... Is that the end of the episode? Yeah. Dave's got a lot he's going to have to sort out. As three weary travellers bereft of their friend Gribbets who only wanted

to frighten them a little bit and make them better people in his death. Leaving behind the corpse of at least one witch. Another witch died but it wasn't necessarily their fault. That was the chance of the dice. One man, or boy really, Liam, going to prison for a long time.

But when he gets out, he will rise through the ranks of the powerful Improvisers Guild. of the powerful improvisers' guild. Clinging to the back of a 20-foot-tall werewolf as he bounds over panicking police in search of the soul of their dear friend Filge. Will they find it? Will Liam become the don of improvisation? And what of revenge funerals?

Is it a viable business model in this economy? Who can say? For answers to questions such as these, tune in to the next special Not Ben's Problem edition of Dragon Friends The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner Michael Hing and Tom Cardin Our Dungeon Master this week is Ben Jenkins

with live accompaniment provided by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney on Gadigal land in the New Orleans region. Until next time. It's my new friend's first time.

It's my new friend's first time. It's my new friend's first time. And maths people, how big does that make him? It's 1.5 to the power of 3. He's 3 foot high currently. Okay, so 1.5 times... Sorry. That's 50% of my new height.

Yeah. Didn't you host Letters and Numbers, Michael? Yeah, but it's like... He's about... Did you say he's 3 feet tall? He's 3 feet tall. So he's about 10 and a half feet tall now. Okay, you're about, did you say he's three feet tall? He's three feet tall. So he's about ten and a half feet tall now. Okay, you're about as big as the statue.

So I go three to six to twelve to twenty-four. It's 1.5, right? So the first one he becomes four and a half feet tall, right? And then the next one is four and a half times 1.5, which is like 4, 5.5. I just keep doing it until I get as big as I want. I just get as big as I want. I've never seen an audience so worked up. Do you guys just want us to do maths problems on stage?

You know, there's already a TV show about that that I host and none of you watch it, so... Rakuten's Big Give Week is back with up to 15% cash back. It's a festival of savings at your favorite stores, including Timu, Lenovo Canada, and Viator. Prep for summer and save on fashion, electronics, travel, and more. It's one of Racketons' biggest cash back events, and it's on May 7th through May 14th.

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