Dragon Friends - #9.09. Functional Pants

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

With the team fleeing the site of a Funeral Gone Wrong, can the Dragon Friends recover enough ground to save their skins as the clock ticks down towards Yuletime and their deaths. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In one month I miss a show, I come back and there is candy in the dungeon master bag. Yeah, that sounds about right. Hey, did you listen back to the shows? Yeah, I did listen back to the shows. Pretty good! Some pretty good stuff there! Yeah, I have some notes. Some pretty good stuff, that's not my problem. Dragon Friends Must Die! Dragon Friends Must Die!

Dragon Friends Must Die! Dragon Friends Must Die! Dragon Friends Must Die! It has been four scant days since the Paladin Blackguard, Bethany Smiles, came into the lives of the Dragon Friends, and yet it feels like a year has come and gone since the promise of a free horse caused you all to rush to the post office and a trap to kill you all. Has it honestly been four days? Yeah, I counted it out. It's been four days. And only, I think you took two of them.

I think your adventure... In truth, there has been no horse. You have convinced Bethany to take you across the nine known worlds on a last chance mission to break the infernal contract that binds her to your death. The way has been hard. Mistakes have been made. I can't think of any. A lot of bystanders have been killed by you, Friso. And yet Bethany's shopping list of requirements are down to three simple tasks.

One, reunite with Friso's familiar. Two, find the adventurer called Baston Indrirovich. Three, take the contract to the Nessian depths of hell and destroy it before Listeria Obstrix, that thrice-cursed queen of nightmares who would murder you all

or worse. Expelled. And also, as I understand understand it for the last two days you've been fucking around in some kind of Gribbets themed corporate training session or something that Ben had you and you're on the run from the cops riding on a giant ambulatory werewolf is that correct? Yes. Alright great so running through the boggy

marsh the cops screaming behind you some kind of wailing sirens in the distance Bethany turns around her hair whipping in the wind as she you, some kind of wailing sirens in the distance. Bethany turns around her hair, whipping in the wind, as she grabs onto the shoulder of the embiggened Robert Pancakes and says, Don't worry, everyone. I've got a plan. Now, you remember when we went to the FBF and we found out the location of your familiar? Well, actually, he's more of my friend, Bushu. You know him, right?

Maybe not familiar, but yeah, I feel like everyone's pretty on point, yeah. Well, it turns out that he's started working as a familiar again. I've sourced his location to a house of a warlock called Derek. We can go there right now, unless you want to keep fighting these cops.

I mean, it's really up to you. Just let me kill the last ones, and then we'll go. Well, I'm just telling you, no one more has to die. If anything, they're receding into the distance. Some of them have stopped running and are sort of in a sweaty way just waving you off like they're happy to let you go. Okay, I'll just kill one more.

I'll just Eldritch Blast the closest cop as we're going. It's pretty close to Christmas. As a treat. As a treat. All I want for Christmas Is to kill a cop Could I do something really quick as well What colour is your Eldritch Blast?

Eldritch Blast? What do you mean? Is it red? It was purple historically But why do you want it to be red? It could be red I was going to do maybe like a green tree sort of thing And it could be a red and green sort of blast Oh that's fun

Yeah Can you do that? I can summon some sort of tree That's a 17 Okay well that's alright Are these spell slots they're using up? It's fun. Yeah. Can you do that? I can summon some sort of tree. That's a 17. Okay, well, that's all right. Are these spell slots they're using up? No, they're just blasters like a cantrip.

Can I just also, I've just looked up the Wand of Embiggening, and apparently it only lasts for one minute, so I'm probably going to get small pretty quick. Okay, like I said, are we all ready to go? Oh, Friso, you didn't have to kill him. Well, he's dead. Yeah, he is dead. He's, oh, that young man that looks like him, who we all ready to go? Oh, Friso, you didn't have to kill him. Well, he's dead. Yeah, he is dead. He's, oh, that young man that looks like him who's sort of standing over his body, I assume that's his son.

I got bad news for him. I think I killed the dad last episode as well. Yeah, you did. You killed the dad and spared a son. Yeah, okay. Well, excuse me, son. Yep. Okay, you don't need to bring him.

Oh, he's coming over, yes. Oh, wait, I've killed... Wait, are you also named Moe? Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry about killing your dad. Don't be a cop. You know, we're going to go. Yeah, I mean, you could have, like...

I wasn't going to be a cop. Why are you here, then? Because my dad's here. Oh, to bring your son to work, then? He was. I mean, a lot of the people here had their children with them. OK. OK.

I don't know. Merry Christmas. Dave, what colour would a thorn whip be? All right, well, Bethany Smiles is standing next to a spinning vortex with purple energy. She's like, I don't want to rush you, but the portal will close soon. So my family and brooch can only keep it open. You happy to?

I'll jump in the portal, Bethany. Oh, thanks. You're a real team player, Frieza. What about you? No worries. Logan, Bobby, you're all coming. I'm in. Everybody's jumping in.

You have Filch, don't forget, in your pocket, which means that the portal opens and you all go in and there is a blink of cosmic energy. It closes with a little pop, a Phelan pop, leaving just a broken-hearted cop alone standing in the bog. He's not a cop. a feline pop leaving just a broken hearted cop alone standing in the bog he's not a cop

and he will never be a cop because instead he's going to swear to dedicate his lives to destroying the people that killed his father in front of him and he's just heard their names

join the queue buddy but we shall see him not now and perhaps never again but perhaps one day and instead we shall go far far away,

back to the Sword Coast, up north this time, towards the city of arms, city of merchants and silks, where there is a broad tenement. City of arm? Arm, A-M-N, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where there is a broad tenement house. Did you just, did I just what? Were you just trying to think of the name of a place

and then saw your own arm? Because you were kind of gesticulating. Arm is a... Arm, I promise you, is a very famous city in Faerun. It's part of the grand cosmology of Dungeons & Dragons. We've been there before in this podcast. Is it right next to Curtain? Oh, fuck's sake.

And audience. Through this place flows the river bartender. You can't use your suspects, me. Now listen, all of you. According to the information from the FBF, Bushu works here for a warlock named Derek Cloudstrider.

If we can convince him to leave, he can come with us. But because his contract is new, he needs to come from his own free will, which means we cannot force him, and your whole familiar relationship with him will no longer work. He needs he needs to come from his own free will which means we cannot force him and your whole familiar relationship with him will no longer work. He needs to want to come. So as a team, we're going to need to convince him to come with us. Now I would like to think that you all

care about him and that this is going to work. Nothing. You just said he has to want to come or something. It was pretty good. It was pretty good stuff. The audience picked up on it. Wait, is that how we're getting in? Is this like an

HJ situation? Can I have a word? I feel like this is the finale of the show. I feel like we only get five of these. I feel like I'm trying to do this with assuming good intentions from you. I feel like we only get five of these. Yeah. I feel like I'm trying to do this in like, with assuming good intentions from you.

Okay. And I think, I feel like anything that I pick up and put down, you were fucking up. Yeah. Well, the weather outside is spicy. We don't need to do this. Okay. But the fire is so delightful.

Yeah. You're going to. I'll behave. You're going to behave? Yeah. Fucking thank you. If there's no place to go. Okay. So what are you gonna do?

Hing? We're not gonna jerk off Booshu. You're as bad as he is! While all of this is going on, the door opens, even though you haven't hit the doorbell yet, and an inquisitive-looking figure stands in the doorway. He's wearing comfortable shirts, short sleeves of linen, and what looks like a very functional pair of pants.

Well, you'll see it hides my bottom and penis. So... So it does... Is that what it says on the tin? Workman-like. The word I was looking for was workman-like. You've really tickled Simon. Oh, yeah, this is Derek.

Hello. Can I... Oh, is it carolers? Is it... Oh, yeah, the house, by the way, the house is covered in Yilmars Banting because although, you know, it has only been four days, this adventure started at Yilmus and it will end at Yilmus.

It is already just a few days before Yilmus has arrived. Oh, wonderful. I've got some wonderful carolers here. Marge, oh, she's dead. I sometimes, you know, forget. How are you? Oh, yeah, we're good. Any requests? Oh, I'd love to hear...

You know you're not a caroler, right, Simon? I can be a caroler. I'd love to hear kill the bastard Krampus with a big great stick. You know, that really just makes me think about killing the Krampus with a stick, you know. Oh, the Krampus is a guy with a goatee head And he'll steal your children right from their bed He will!

He'll do it every year. It would make you sick. So just let's go on and kill him with a big old stick. I killed Krampus with a big stick. Let's kill Krampus with a big stick. Let's kill him by putting that stick

through his head until Krampus He turns out dead. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, I've got some, I've got some Yulmus canes for you. He's just pelting you with candy canes at this point. What a wonderful thing.

Ah, the shards. Well, thank you very much. And he closes the door. Friso's going to put his foot in the door as he goes to close it. Is it a... That is the most efficient way for caroling to turn sinister. Let's funny games him. OK, it's a wonderful moment,

and then one of the carolers, with a really intense expression on his face, suddenly puts his boot in the door and leans forward into the gap. Derek? Is it Derek? That's right. He knows your name. Derek, I'm here.

I'm Friso Frisofferson from the, I don't know, Warlock Ministry or something. Did you say or something? Because right up until that point you had me. And I'm here to investigate a crime that's been committed. Excuse me? There to investigate a crime that's been committed.

Excuse me? There's been a crime that's been committed, and I'm here to investigate it. The crime of... Is this usually how this goes? Murder! What? There's been a murder, and we have some questions about your familiar. Okay, first of all, I need you to make a deception check for me

because none of this is true. A DC 15. That's 12 plus my deception. I mean, to be fair, it's been a murder. It's been a number of murders. Plus 10. That's like 22 or whatever. He's visibly sweating.

A murder? But he's also weirdly excited. In the little town of Arm, we haven't had a murder here in months. Oh, he opens the door and he beckons for you all to come inside. Come on in. You can smell it. Do you know who I reckon it was?

The vicar of Arm. Oh, he's about the renovations in the temple. We have evidence that links your familiar Booshu to this crime. We're not saying you did it. Just before, I wasn't listening. Booshu, could you please bring us some cinnamon buns? He calls out and the door creaks open as a figure arrives. Tall, muscled, powerful serpentine holding a tray with delicious shortbreads.

And to play that tray holding snake please welcome to the stage he's been a big boy on holidays for two years he's back baby good evening thank you very much. I'm sorry I called you a snake. I did it with love. Yeah, it's dragon kind. Yeah, boosh.

I don't know if you know what these are, but they're wearing them in Europe. That's all I've got to say. For the benefit of the podcast, Eden is wearing, frankly, an insane pair of sunglasses. Thank you so much. For those of you who don't know, Eden has been living on a farm in I believe

rural Canada for about 18 months but when he found out that Alex had COVID he booked a flight back to Dragon Friends and got here just in time

I have to be here and next month when she's better again he's gonna fuck right off again no we're gonna we're gonna kill him like in the prestige nah

we're gonna put him right in a tank no Eden's back we We've missed you. Can't get out of the tank. Eden, your character, of course, is Bushu, but in the time with the Bee Babes, you become a dragonborn sorcerer. You're level nine. You have a whole bunch of heaps of shit that I don't remember.

But right now, what you have is important. But he walks out and he's got a tray of the cinnamon buns, but he's like, I made a round of egglusions as well. And he stops as he suddenly sees all of you arrayed around the room and his face

turns slightly lighter green. Oh, it's you. This is awkward, isn't it? Derek. Hey, what's an egglusion? Ah, wait. Hey, what's an egg-lusion? Ah, wait. Yeah.

Yeah, a Midori egg-lusion. Yeah. You know, it's my favourite Christmas drink. Are you alright, Mushu? I'm just feeling a little bit... Sorry, sorry. Is that eggnog and Midori? Oh, you've got to try it.

No, I don't. I'll tell you what, you've got to try it. It'll I don't. I'll tell you what, you've got to try it. It'll give you the biggest bloody stiffy you've ever had. Rock hard, rock hard all around. I tell you what, you don't need legs on the table with a round of egglusions. I don't know what it is about them, but... Oh, yes, but Derek... I don't know who I'm talking to.

We have a freezer. These are former... I don't know what the fuck that is. Is that a turtle? What is going on? I feel really good. People look at you and say, are you a snake or something? Well, look, I suppose we've got...

I'm sorry, I'll just deal with my ex first. I apologise. Derek, this is my ex-master freezer. I'm not, I'll just deal with my ex first. I apologise. Derek, this is my ex-master, Freezer. I'm not a cop. I'm sorry I told you I was a cop. Oh, well, this just takes the bloody Yilmus biscuit. But I've got some great news. What?

There wasn't a murder. Oh, phew. But then we've got bad news. What? We're not carolers. What? Oh, no. We're just here to talk to Bushu about, I guess, the crime of...

What happened? Did you leave me or did I fire you? I don't remember. Look, we were in hell. It was a different time. Do you know what, guys? This feels like this is a big... This is not Derek's issue.

Hey, Derek, how about I sing you a special private carol in the other room This feels like this is a big, this is a big, this is not Derek's issue. Hey, Derek, how about I sing you a special private carol in the other room and let these guys... Sounds like a lap dance, dude. Oh, would you? Hey, do you know, do you know, do you know the Yulmus King and the Yulmus Queen in Love Forever? Yep. Well, why don't you sing it to me while they talk and we can maybe cut back to you every now and again. But that song's an epic. It goes for like 17 minutes.

It does. It goes for a really long time. That's why I'm going to... So he takes you into his understairway. I'm going to grab the Egglusion, get a great big stiffy and have a listen. He takes Bobby into a small recording studio he has under his stairs. That's where we do our podcast. It's called Bushu and the Big D.

It's about baking and crockery. Tell them to like and subscribe if you're talking about the podcast. Bushu, we're here on a quest. Something you're probably familiar with. Surprise, surprise. You want something from me as usual. We need you to leave Derek and come with us. We're going to go kill hell.

I mean, not correct at all, but... Well, I don't... That seems like much too big a job. Meanwhile, under the stairs. Then the queen said, well, I'd like to but I have a headache tonight. The king said,

hey, but it's Christmas. And she said, well, alright, but actually no. But actually no. Alright, you've convinced me. That seems perfectly reasonable. I'll come with you. You've listed a list of cogent points that I can't possibly refute.

And I guess, well, look, it makes perfect sense to me. There's not another choice that I could make with an argument like that. Abushu. Bethany speaks up. Bethany speaks up. Bethany, I didn't see you there hiding in the shadows. You witch. You've got wings now. Wow, that's freaky.

For the last month, have you been having a dream where you walk along the banks of a river and there is a woman with a shawl over her face? And Jumba Wamba is playing? Yes. Yes. Weirdly. And as you walk towards her, you feel a growing sense of dread

and you feel that you are sure that she is about to turn and show you her three faces and just as she's about to turn you wake up in a packed sweat. Have you been incepting me again? It's not cool, I said no last time. Do you remember when we made a contract in Nessia that we would kill the dragon friends? Oh, I'm gonna be honest, vaguely. Did you ever think that would come back to bite us? I hoped so.

Yes, yes. Well, I didn't know, but look, I've got a good thing going on here. Is this Bershu talking or Eden talking? Who is that, Dave? I mean, Bethany? Look, I've already agreed, okay? Look, I guess what has to be done has to be done. We have to break free from this curse

so I can get back to living a quiet domestic life. Also, I'm the artistic director for Balenciaga next season, so I want to get it out of the way. You're the artistic director for Balenciaga next season so I want to get it out of the way you're the artistic director yeah my first collection is coming out that's massive so I asked you to work out what Bushu would be doing for the last three years

what are you cross about I was inspired by those AI Balenciaga clips I feel like a Balenciaga is like a creature in the D&D handbook. All right, okay, so fine, fuck it, whatever. You're about to manage Balenciaga. Your fall collection is coming out. Derek comes back upstairs.

And he's humming. And he's like, I'm sorry, I forgot how crook that song is. God, there's a lot of, but you knew it, so. I'm sorry, Derek, but it's over between us. For at least six to eight weeks. Oh. However long this takes. What are you...

I thought you really didn't like this fella. I don't. Okay. But you should have heard the argument that he made. Yeah, I guess I didn't because I was listening to the song. Yeah, I didn't look, yeah. But if anybody had heard that, it would make sense, right? They couldn't.

No one would argue. No, they wouldn't. But I mean, as it stands, well, gosh. Look, it's been real. Yeah. Well, who's going to tell me what night the bins go out? I'll write you a list. Would you?

Yeah, I will. Because it changes so often. It's hard to keep up, isn't it? The blue bin, the yellow bin. What is this? There's Virgo now. This is... Sorry, this is the second podcast

in a week where Ben Jenkins has tried to weave the Inner West Council's bin changes into a comedy show. This is not accessible content, Ben. So as Bushu writes, a very short note that simply says Wednesdays, the bins go out on Wednesdays.

No, that can't be right. The rest of the dragon friends and the beef babes are gathered together by Bethany, who points to you, Friso, and once again, as you channel the energy of Blackstaff Tower, as you have been able to do since you used its scrying portal, you summon what arcane knowledge that you need to find the location of Baston in Drurovich.

And where is Baston? The vision swims into your face, and through your face into your brain and what is going wrong with me? No, it's good because you want to know where it starts. It has to start with the face.

It's like through the sinuses and it swims into view and you can see an unmarked grave lying deep in the deserts of the Anorak and a single sword poking into the sand

a forgotten grave, an unknown marker where you believe is the last resting place of your one time adventuring companion, Baston Indrirovich. Oh shit, yeah we left him in the desert didn't we? Can't be stoked that it's a grave to be honest. Like if I was looking for somebody

and I like GPS them to a grave, I wouldn't be thrilled. You'd be like, I must meet up with that person. Where are they? You put them into Google Maps and it just shows you a graveyard? Yeah, I'd be like, ah, either they've become a goth or they're dead. And I don't know which is worse.

Well, let's go check out the grave then, Dave, because if we dig up the grave, we might be able to get some loot. Travelled with him for seven years. So, Bethany picks up what you're putting down, activates her Fairland brooch for the last time of the day. The portal opens again, and all of you are whipped through it. Bushu, you are the last to enter. You turn around and share one last look with your almost familio.

Wednesdays. Oh, but I'm forgot to get the bluebees! What are you talking about? This is a new purple world! And you are through. The wind whips your hair. There's a howling dry heat. Even in this late Evensong you can feel that this is a hot, dark desolate place. But the sand that you feel in your hair is not beneath your feet. Indeed, it seems that the

desert has been paved over. You are standing instead in a vast wasteland of tiles and concrete. A vast flat that goes in every direction as far as you can see, with rows and grids of wagons and carts and horses waiting outside a giant building just to the north of you, where a vast sign proclaims the Northlands Well Market.

Friso, your scry sense tells you with unerring certainty that Bastogne is somewhere in the building. Well, what's the front door look like, Dave? What does the front... It's a vast building. There is a huge... Like a castle? Or is it like an office building? No, it's called the Well Market

and it looks like it has a collection of storefronts. I'd call it brutalist if I had to put a name on it. Absolutely. I like the Bataclan. I like the Bataclan. You can see people are streaming out of it. As I said, it's evensong. It's almost the end of the day. It is festooned with kind of

pathetic Yulmus tinsels and holly, but there is one figure standing in a kind of dayglo vest, a little halfling greeter, who's standing by the imposing double doors that people are streaming out of. Should we go chat to the greeter? Yeah, what? Have you been to this place before?

I don't think so. Excuse me there. Greeter. Welcome to Northland's Well Market, where the savings never stop. Are you here for a last-minute Yulmus shopping spree? For a limited time only in the main plaza, you can get your portrait drawn with the Yulmus king and queen. What?

Well, we've got to do that. No, that's a scam. They just use it to data mine. Oh. I hope you have a happy Yulmas day We're looking for someone What? Our friend is in there we think

Uh huh And we need to capture him What? Find him Well your friend should leave Another little figure in a vest comes out And he goes You know it's almost closing time

We're going to be locking up soon Is this the only exit? Of the well market? Yeah It's the only one that we've closed All the others up soon. Is this the only exit? Of the well market? Yeah. It's the only one that we've closed all the others. This is the main exit. So if someone lit a fire in there, everyone would have to come out this way? Well, but people are going to come out anyway.

Why? Is there going to be a fire? What do you know about a fire? What are you talking about a fire for? I'm going to go around the back and I'm going to set fire to the back entrance. Why are you telling me that? To make people come out this way. Why would you say that?

And when Bastard comes out, you guys grab him, okay? I make three cup of pieces an hour. Why are you giving me that? Why are you telling me this? To make people come out this way. Why would you say that? And then when Bestop comes out, you guys grab him, okay? I make three copper pieces an hour. Why are you giving me this information? I'm going to go around to the emergency room in the back. Hang on, hang on. Just to break. Why do you think... Do you think he's shopping?

Why, I don't know where he is. You said he was in the market. When did you... When you left him... Okay, you left him in the desert, right? Like, how many thousands of years ago? No, no, no. Let him do this. Let him get there himself, Benjamin? Like, how many thousands of years ago? No, no, no, no. Let him do this.

Let him get there himself, Benjamin. What do you mean thousands of years ago? What are you fucking... Ben is so angry, he's taking his shirt off. He's wearing a white sink, but he looks not unlike John McClane from the Christmas film, Diver. Dragon Friends is a Christmas podcast. Sorry.

Okay, what have I done wrong here? No, no, I want you to get there yourself, Hing. You can do this yourself. All the information is in front of you. If everyone's in the well market. Well, great, yes, excellent. And then we need to get them out. We're on a time crunch.

Okay. Because you said we've got to take this story seriously because it's the last one in the fucking year or whatever. I'm going to make everyone leave the well market quickly. And then what will happen? By setting a fire inside the well market so they all have to come out the front. And then this will mean that? That Bastogne runs out and we grab him. And how will Bastogne run out?

What do you mean how will he run out? The scrying orbewer of the fuck said he was in there. I got a can of sense that he was inside there. You're right, you left him there. When did you leave him there? I don't know, like six months ago. I don't fucking know. You're right. You left him there. When did you leave him there? I don't know. Like six months ago. I don't fucking know. Uh-huh.

What did you see in the Scrying Orc? Did you see him like walking around dancing? No, but here's what I think. We saw a grave. Yeah. But you're here. So I think they're going to make you play him at some point. I just want to say, his whispering is my favourite part of the podcast.

So that was over 400 years ago. What was? Do you guys remember this? Yes! No, Tom and Simon, did you know that? Yeah, it's kind of my origin story is I'm here because I time travelled to help you guys. Have you forgotten we've done time travel on this show? He's fulfilling the unfinished job of

Baston because Baston died. That's why Logan is with us. I thought time travel was last season. Yeah, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Yeah, right. I figured it was sort of wrapped up then. Oh, I'd be like, well, that's done. Erased. You have what, you know what you have?

You don't have object permanence for story. The story's like, here I am. Yeah, unless it's happening to you right now, it doesn't, you have memento disease. Peek-a-boo, motherfucker.

If you're suggesting that I get a series of Dragon Friends plot points tattooed to my arm... Would you? Would you fucking hurt? Yes, please. I already have Bobby, so... All right, so you... Do you still want to set fire to the building?

Yeah, go on, why not? Mr. Turtle, I'm sorry I didn't get your name. Logan. Logan. And you, sorry, I've been rude as well. Logan. Logan. And you, sorry, I'm a bit rude as well. I push you, push you, pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'm so sorry about all of this. No, that's all right.

We've got tied up in this nonsense. In this conversation, just behind them, underneath, Friso is like striking a flinch with a piece of tin. No, it's honestly, it's good to... Where's Baston? We're looking for Baston. Bethany, Baston, what? I don't...

We need to find everyone and bring them. Where's the cat? Well, if the vision was correct, then his body must be underneath. You know, this entire place used to be the desert Anorak. They must have built the well market over the desert. Okay, then. Well, if we burn it to the ground, Dave, it'll be easy to get the fucking body, all right? Who's Dave, Friso?

Oh, yeah, where is Kit? That was me yelling at you. Where is Kit Gingerson? He's here. He's with them. Oh, am I? Since when? Kit's still at the old court. I told him to come here and meet us here, says Bethany.

And at that moment, at that moment, sauntering out of the doors. Can I say what's impressive? In nine years, that's the first time you've done something that shit. Sauntering out of the doors. Can I say what's impressive? Yeah. In nine years, that's the first time you've done something that shit. Sauntering out of the doors

with some wrapped Yilma's presents in a gift bag. Just finishing off a little cardboard thing of cinnamon donuts. What's he got in his... What kind of...

Has he got Locotane? He's got some body shop soaps. He went to Locotane and the body shop? Yeah, he did. What ails this cat's skin? And Kiki K and also like... Well, that's stationery. Typo as well.

Oh, he went to Kiki K and Typo? Yeah, he did. And Smeg. What's that other one? It's not... Smiggle. He went to Smiggle. Those are the only places.

He went five shops. Two of them were soaps and three of them were stationery. That's crazy. Now, I do declare... Everybody, come on of them were stationery. That's crazy. Now, I do declare, everybody come, gather round, I have pens for everybody.

Kid Jim Jensen, as I live and breathe. Boosh, you leap into my arms, you. The slow motion running, leaping into my arms. Oh, baby.

Oh, my. You are a good hugger. That was nice. Thank you so much. How are you? Hey, Logan, I see you're looking jealous over there. You want to get in here, buddy? I've been hanging out with the little humanoids for a day,

so it'll be nice to hug some mother. Kit walks towards Frizzo and grabs him in a big hug and says, Frizzo, would you like a glittery pencil sharpener? No. Come here. We're trying to track down Bastogne, who's in there. Do you remember Bastogne? I have no idea who you are talking about.

Right. Well, we've got to find someone. You know the people you promised to kill? Yeah. I was one of them. Yeah. One of the others is in here He might be dead

And he might have died 400 years ago I believe there was some time travel involved Why don't we go inside? Now there's a man talking sense Let's walk inside That's where the savings never are, you gon' Did you say that the little halfling is there? You're looking for some kind of relics from the desert?

Do I hear you right? Yes. Well, if you could talk to my boss, I suppose, Gary. He runs all the greeters program. He knows more about the history of this place than I do. He's in the main plaza. Okay, well, take us to Gary, please. But really, I've got to tell you.

I've really got to tell you guys. We're closing pretty soon. And when we close, you've got to go. Can I also ask that before that, when you were trying to set fire to the side of the building and then I saw you look like you were going to cast some kind of hostile spell, you're not going to do anything like that, right? Not if we get what we're looking for.

Well, because if you do that, I've got to talk to Mr. Stevenson. That's as good as you're going to get. Okay. Now, boys, how do you like bath bombs? Oh, now you're talking my language. You're going to sprinkle, like, dropping, like, you like bath bombs? Oh, now you're talking my language. It starts sprinkling, dropping like crystals and bath bombs. This is demeaning. I thought you were going to give them to us.

That's lavender. No, it's nice. It's like a beautiful fragrant snow. This is a scrub for your butt. Oh, a butt scrub. How does a cat use a bath bomb? Is it like a breath mint? Just puts it in the water of the bath?

No, because you know how cats bathe by licking them. How do you use bath bombs? No, no. Just hanging at home at night licking a bath bomb. Enjoying the fizz. I bathe like a regular person because I'm a human being. But if I were to bathe like a cat, I wouldn't bathe. I would just lick myself.

It fucking makes sense. They just chew a little froth. So I'm saying is a bath bomb for a cat just like a breath mint? Yeah, it's like a whiz fizz. I just got lick myself. Fuck, it makes sense. They just chew a little froth. So I'm saying, is a bath bomb for a catch just like a breath mint? Yeah, it's like a whiz fizz. I just got on his wavelength. That's so upsetting. Do you know what? That's actually a really good question. Thank you, everybody.

Let's not dwell on that, though, because you make your way to the main plaza. As you do, you can hear some kind of chimes are starting to sound as people are streaming out of what looks like only half full, to be honest. Even on this floor, there's a lot of empty shops. It looks like it's run down or it's just starting up the well markets.

But you suddenly, something happens to you. Sorry, can I have some dice quickly? Okay, what kind? Take them all. They're yours, buddy. We're at the 50-minute mark and you were looking for dice. Yeah, can I have some dice quickly? Okay, what kind? Take them all. They're yours, buddy. We're at the 50 minute mark and you were looking for dice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a kit, actually. What is your passive... Make a wisdom save for me. Yo. That's a one. Whoops. You suddenly sprawl over on the

ground. You whip around quickly. It seems someone's tripped you. You take three hit points of damage, not a huge amount of damage. You spin around as everybody sees Kit suddenly go tumbling over cinnamon bonbons and bath bombs and highlighters going everywhere as

you spin around and you can see the crowd streaming past you, but you can't see who tripped you. And it seems not only that, that the people that are exiting do not care. None of them are even looking at you. They're ignoring you as they stream past you out of the door. Are they walking on me? No, actually the crowd parts around you, but they all ignore you. Hmm.

Well. I walk towards the crowd. What happens? I get up and walk towards... You slowly pierce your way through, walking much more carefully this time. And although you've sensed something very, very strange about what just happened,

you try not to worry about it. As the Christmas music comes, you make your way into the main plaza, which has been tastefully done up to represent that glorious, glorious holiday of Yilmys as the Yilmys village. In the traditional finery, the pennants and banners, the spears and the ground, the stuffed clothes made up to look like the massacred corpses of the Krampus hordes,

and on a throne of their skulls lovingly made in timber and plaster, are two giant golden chairs. And on one of those golden chairs is a figure resplendent in his red velvet robes of the Yulmus king who seems to be eating a burrito. Oh, this is really good, guys. This is really bloody well done. This is really, you know, I said cheese and I said guacamole and I said beef and I said guacamole and I said beef and I said beans and I said rice.

And I said all of those things. Who's he talking to? He's talking to another sort of teenaged halfling and Denny, the halfling who came in with you, points at him and he goes, that's Gary, that's my boss, I've got to go back. If he sees I'm not at the door, I'll be in big trouble, especially now we're closing, and he disappears. And I said, onions, and I said, salsa. And I said, can you make it so they put some chips in there?

Are you going to eat the whole thing here or are you going to...? Well, I don't think that would be very... Is he eating it or is he just looking at a burrito? He's explaining it to the teenage village workshop manager who's standing next to him and he's like, right, it's just, you've got the burrito, so we could close it now, I suppose. We could close what?

The village. Well, aren't there more people to see and spread Yilma's cheer too? Maybe. Because this bloody thing could wait. It could wait. There's one more little boy who needs some Christmas cheer. Oh, hello little boy.

Here's my son, Bobby Pancakes. And I push him forward. Hello. Yulmus King? Yes, that's me. I'm the Yulmus King. And then he gives a wink to one of the elves. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm Gary. We're really going to have to make this late. We're supposed to be closed already. But the Yulmusking, the Yulmusking. I've got to get Reggie back to the home. We're not meant to keep him out this late. Well, who's Reggie? Oh, this is just sad.

All right. The Yulmusking's here and he'll see this... Was it Bobby? You've got until he finishes his burrito. All right, well, I'll put that over there. Now, Kevin, what brings you to the Yulmus Village? Cold, hard facts. I need them and I need them now.

Oh, goodness me. What about a... Cold, hard facts. Don about a... Cold hard fats. Don't make him angry. He hasn't had a snack this afternoon. Oh, goodness me. What about some Ninjago Lego? I'm more interested in bodies.

Oh. You know, maybe we should bloody close this up. I think it's getting a little bit late. Where are the relics? What? Where are the relics? What? Where are the relics, man? The relics. Tell us where the relics are.

I've got a burrito in my hand. Make an intimidation check. Yeah. I heard there's a lot of good stuff in here. Oh, yeah. There's guacamole and salsa. Not long, big boy. No, you wouldn't.

I wouldn't. You wouldn't take it out. I'd do whatever you're thinking I'd do to it right now. Ten. All right, you got a ten. So a ten is a terrible intimidation. I think Logan gives him advantage because he's taken... Advantage.

Give him advantage. Advantage. Advantage. You don't need advantage because ten is a terrible roll, but this is just an old man from a retirement home that you are bullying and you are a level 9 champion. Oh, the sweetest kind of man to bully. So he looks at you and his face turns white

and he starts to cry as he goes... Oh, gosh, I don't know. Relics? From the desert, from the times before. The gravestone of Bastogne and Drurovic. Well, I don't know anything about that, but look, I guess if you're talking about the desert, and you're talking about the time before,

it's all been built on top of it. There was a thing a little while ago in the lower levels of the shopping centre. To get the building permit. That's right, they were going to make the museum. They had to make the museum. Do you know what's really... What I'm talking...

Yeah. Is this, you don't want me to be... Well, it just makes it seem like I don't know what I'm doing. You're always king. If you want to see his burrito, you're going to tell us exactly where that passage is to downstairs. Around the corner past the fantasy footlocker. Young man, you seem much more switched on.

Can you take us to the museum? Please. Now you can see that the place is very, very empty. The chimes have started to chime incessantly. And he's like, look, I can't. What, do you have to get home to your mummy? Yes, I do. I'm only 15 years old. I said I was a teenager.

Look, look. And he pulls around from around his chain on his neck and he gives you a brass key and he goes, that leads into the service access tunnels. You're going to need to take it up. Just so you know, that was not a good thing to do. So if you want to keep your job in future, obviously we won't do anything bad.

You're all armed and you said, and then you were very mean to Reggie. Okay, run home to mummy, big boy. Do you guys still want a drawing of us all together? What? How long will it take? What's that for? Sure, Reggie.

Okay, actually, we're here. Yeah, let's get a shot while we're here. Okay, let's get everybody in. Everybody in. You gather in. Reggie, looking very confused and now worried about his job security, quickly goes to the informatic photography portrait stand, which is magic.

It's fucking magic. No, it's a bird in a box drawing a picture of all these boys. I don't have the animal face. It's a lemon! I went to art school for seven years for this. He uses a wand of magic image and he creates an imprint onto a small disc of electrum and it spits it out

and it is a beautiful lithograph of the six adventurers surrounding Reggie Stubbs, a.k.a. the Yulmus King, which he hands... Takes up and he hands to? He hands to Friso and he says, there you go, you can put that in your pocket. And can I just say, it's been lovely meeting you all and best of luck.

And he looks you dead in the eye and says, Friso, Frisopherson? Well, no need to look deeper into that. Off we go. No need and no time. Or, as the chimes begin to sound sonorous, loud and ominous, it seems that the Northlands Well Market is well and truly closed for the night. It is best not to dwell in the darkness amongst shadows and statues of commerce,

and yet here the dragon friends find themselves locked in the proverbial museum with nothing but a copper key, a quest to find a body, and a small paper bag of cinnamon bonbons to enjoy. paper bag of cinnamon bonbons to enjoy and one slightly used discarded sizzling salsa sriracha burrito tune in to find out what happens next to this. The last of the year episode, and we'll finish it, so don't be, we can fix this, of the episode of Dragon Friends.

The cast of Dragon Friends for this month is Simon Greiner, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey, and Tom Carty. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniment by Nick Harrington. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney

on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. Until next time. Did I say this? Because I don't know if this had happened yet. Snippy, snippy. I don't know if this had happened yet. Are you doing a callback to something you did on another podcast? On another podcast. But I fought the council and won.

Did you? I got a bigger bin. Yeah. Woo. God, that's great. There's so few. Ben, it's just a drop-down menu on their website. Where was this?

We were like, hi, it's Ben Jenkins again. It's just not big enough. And I'm just going to keep on calling. I think because they checked your search history and they found multiple entries for Killdozer. Unabomber, things of that nature. We can't mess with this guy.

Frankly, the goodness of bin that's too large. You know, I'd forgotten about the Killdozer. The Killdozer was a man who went postal and fortified his Killdozer. He is snippy. It was a man who went postal and fortified his bulldozer. Yeah, he was in battle with the council and he bought a bulldozer and then cemented himself into the bulldozer. By a round of applause, who knows about the Ballad of Killdozer?

Yes. Oh, fantastic. You're going to learn a lot. So like in the early 2000s, a man... Sorry, can we just play the theme song For this new podcast within the podcast Do you know what I'll tell you about it later

Ben will finish this story in the next episode of Freedom Good Home If you want to follow it along And so as Bushu writes You brought up Kill Rosa