Dragon Friends - #9.10. This is Your Replacement

Episode Date: December 23, 2023

A Very Merry Yulemas to one and all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alright, the time is nigh and we're ready for the season finale of Dragonfront! Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Picture, if you will, that glorious testament to modern fantasy commerce that is the Northlands Well Market, long past its prime, now falling already into disrepair and abandonment. The shops seem prematurely closed. The corridors seem eerily empty.

And as the dragon friends, and then who found friends, the beef babes, make their way into the service tunnels in the hideous back rooms of the well market. It only gets stranger, emptier, and weirder. Back here, the walls make little sense. The corridors whim and wind their way. There is a strange and sickly yellow paint over everything

as you descend further, deeper, down, down, down into the bowels of the well market. Past the sub-basement shops, past the sub-sub-basement horse-drawn cart parking past even that to a slightly upsetting themed restaurant and beyond that even more into an area marked only as basement storage. What theme is the restaurant? Theme?

Yeah. It's a great question. It is. The theme is it's called Cobalt Pizza Palace. It's an animatronic themed restaurant. And the, yes. Yep. Crump E. Cobalt's Good Time Jamboree Band,

which were very popular in the 1480s, Dale Reckoning, but are now subject to a brand realignment. Wait, is it thin crust or deep? It's pan fried. Okay, pan. And there's penny arcades as well. Do we have time? It's closed.

I said it's closed. Oh, it's closed. Damn it. Well, next time, guys. And down beyond even past Kronk E. Kobold's, good time, Jamboree Pizza Palace, you see a hatch at the end of a corridor listing on its name in old forgotten runes

are the words basement storage. Bastogne walks up towards it. Not Bastogne, because he's dead. But Bouchou walks up towards it and solemnly lifts the hatch. There is a creaking sound as a ladder skitters down, down, down, and thunks on the concrete underneath

and you all climb down past shelves covered in bric-a-brac, old relics of a forgotten desert, of an even more forgotten crusade, 400 years of forgotten realms history and unerringly calling to you like a beacon freezer at the end of the corridor you can feel that there is the figure the comatose figure still now in repose of baston indrirovich you can feel him

like you can see him just 20 yards ahead of you but all you can see is a giant iron-bound casket. Interesting. In this world... I thought you were going to ask about the themed restaurant and I was going to fucking blow my lid. You know how Fraser has all the different powers? Does he have magneto powers? You're waiting nine years to ask this. Do you reckon I have magneto powers, Dave?

I do. I reckon you... No, I don't reckon you have... Do you have the spell telekinesis? Yes, I have all the spells. Well, then you have magneto powers, but for everything. I'm going to cast telekinesis and unlock the casket. All right.

There's a whipping sound like silk on steel as the iron bands around the crate whip themselves around the old timber and assemble themselves into an obscene gesture in a statue in the corner. Unnecessarily, I might add, as the timber falls away and sand pours out between the timbers because what is in its place now is a huge mound of sand. This casket clearly was filled with sand. Sand? And sitting... ..nestled in the top of that sand is a shovel. Huh.

So they buried a shovel. Do we think they made Bastogne dig his own grave and then he got out? And then threw the shovel in? And then... Is anyone going to dig in the sand? I'm going to dig in the sand. Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan.

Logan the Huge steps forward and digs in the sand and 20 minutes later, because he's doing it really slowly, grain by grain, there is a thunk of steel on iron. As you scrape away the remains of what's left of the sand now, which is obscuring, what was once obscuring, a giant iron. Not a casket, not a coffin, but a tube. An old, frosted tube of iron that looks very familiar to all of you. If you want, you can all make for me intelligence checks. I've never seen anything like this in my life.

Well, Bush Busha can't, actually. None of the Beef Babes can. Okay, all right. 15. Plus 4, 13. That's a 20. That's a 20. All right.

You say it's a 20, sir? Yeah, yeah, that's the... Oh, it's Magic the Gathering dice. Someone's a smart. That's a 20. All right. You say it's a 20. Yeah, yeah, that's the... Magic the Gathering dice. Someone's a smart cookie, huh? All right, Bobby, you step forward and you look at it, your eyes lighting up as you see it and you brush quickly the sand away from a plate that shows a timer ticking down

that has only seconds left in it because you recognise what this is. This is a now updated and improved model of Marilyn Val's cold cell engines. And it is ticking down to a time that is six seconds away, five seconds away, four seconds, three seconds. If my chromatic time theory serves me correctly, then if I do this, everything should turn out just right.

You press a red rune, there is a hiss of escaped steam as the casket opens up. There is a pneumatic v steam as the casket opens up. There is a pneumatic vroomf as the oxygen stabilises inside and outside. And standing, majestic and proud in the middle, is a figure of a great Barovian son of a Burgomeister that we have not seen for 18 months, who is looking no worse to wear for a travel through 500 years of time. It is, of course, Baston Indrirovich.

And also a weird lighting unit that he's rigged up to backlight him dramatically at this moment. Where am I? Wait, wrong accent. Where am I? Wait a minute. Oh, you're here. And you as well. Hello, Bastogne. Is that what they called me? Didn't seem to matter what I do. I'm not enough for you.

You guys left me back in time oh I think I seem to have forgot my name crying and in pain you all left me there to die but I'll walk again tonight Cause I'm not dead I'm an eleven, not a ten How could you leave your friend to die And go through time and just abandon me I'm not dead And I do love my dragon friends What was my name again?

I think I was a handsome man remember me I'm Bastogne yes he's alive someone give me a high five so hey guys check me out yeah I'm not dead. I'm Bastogne. And he's not dead. And I'm great at giving head. That's right, friends, check me out. Yeah, I'm not dead. Baby, I'm not dead. day There's a small pop as two 400 year old confetti cannons burst behind him

I cannot tell you how glad I am that that is the case There's a small pop as two 400-year-old confetti cannons burst behind him. I cannot tell you how glad I am that that is the case. Wow, it's good to see you guys. Wait, didn't I have a son? Byron? Have you guys seen him? What happened to my son, my precious boy? Oh. I think you went evil.

Well, I tried my best. For the record, I did an okay job. As far as I knew while I was alive, so... Just the most well-meaning deadbeat dad. He did all he could and that wasn't much. Well, it's good to be back. What did I miss?

Wait, so you're alive? Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Did you not hear any of the song? You're not a clone. You're the same Baston as before. No, when you guys fucked off and left me back in time, my beautiful son put me in another one of these tubes

and he said, I'll go find another tube. And I said, all right, bye-bye. I love you. Man, I thought we left you in the cult or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my son came back. I was in. Man. I thought we left you in the cult or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my son came back. I was in the desert. It was very dramatic.

I didn't think I'd make it through. Oh, yeah. It was a battle, maybe. Yeah, the silver chorus came through. I didn't get through all the episodes, but I assume that I had a very important role and you guys really cared about what happened to me, right? Right?

Okay, what happened to you? You're the only reason I'm here to find you and bring you back. Do you guys know each other? No, I don't think we officially haven't met

but you kind of live in my head rent free as some of the kids used to. This is fucking awful. This was your replacement. This is the total.

This guy. Did you just say this is your replacement? Well, we needed five for the party or whatever it was. Get a little too real, Hing. Well, uh...

What's... You guys are terrible at introductions, I'm going to be honest. I'm Logan. I came through... I guess we've all been through time to be here. But I'm glad you're back. You're here, you were with the dragon friends, and now the dragon friends are... Right.

Back together. Although, now we've lost Filch dragon friends, and now the dragon friends are... Right. Back together. Although, now we've lost Filch, so you could be her replacement now, if you like. Yes. As long as there's one person down, I'm going to be around here forever. Can you all for me quickly make for me perception checks? I love to perceive.

I love to perceive. Love. Best on. Oh, yeah. 18, brother. 22. Well, best on. 21.

15. You know what? All of you suddenly notice in between the sounds. Cowboy. Of the confetti cannons, the musical parodies and the reproachment, you can hear now suddenly the sounds of what seems to be like sleigh bells coming down the corridor towards you. Kind of sounds more like a tambourine, Dave.

Well, you know what? I asked you if you had any fucking sleigh bells, Tom. Yeah, you did. And you told me you did. I didn't. Oh, my God, those are sleigh bells. That's much better. Oh my God, those are sleigh bells.

That's much better. Is this that thread that we left open last episode? I'm going to be honest. I was not alive at that time. All right, any of you going to do anything at all? What do we perceive besides the sound of sleigh bells? The sound seems to be echoing all around, but it's coming down the corridor.

It seems it's coming down the corridor the way you came. It's better not be part of Gribbett's revenge funeral. Wait a minute. Who is this devil and this cat? Wow. I'm saying that in character, obviously I know me as the player Eden, I understand. That's a great question. But I'm trying to maintain a certain level of investment in the

shared, you know, imagined reality that we're trying to create. Okay, so do you remember when I was gone for a bit and instead you had a different, my replacement. The ham. No, before the ham. Before he was. He became the ham. Yes, right. There was a character that I played whose name escapes me right now.

Are you serious? But. Wait, are you serious? Banknote. Banknote, right. Bank was a character that I played whose name escapes me right now. Are you serious? Wait, Hing, are you serious? Banknote. Banknote, right. Banknote. Banknote. Okay, that's enough about time for that.

You get attacked. Congratulations. All opportunities to set up an ambush, do anything clever to react are lost as we go into combat because suddenly mist swirls down the corridor as three figures stalk through. You can see that their eyes glow blue. They look like strange dogs carved or even perhaps grown out of ice. And they don't so much move as skitter towards you in freeze frames, like a flipbook drawing.

These cold snap spirits, they snarl, they snap, they crack. And then one of them charges at you. Kit, you are the one closest towards them, but you also are the fastest on my initiative order, so you go first. Okay, I'm going to fuck. You're going to excuse me?

No! It depends. Finally, some hot cat on dog action. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to fuck them up with my mace of smiting. Make an attack. That's a 22.

Does that hit? That's 18. That hits. Okay. That is six bludgeoning damage. All right. Six bludgeoning damage. Great.

All right. You hit one of them. They howl. They fall backwards. Frieza, you're up next. I will Eldritch Blast one of them. Yeah, go for it. That's an attack.

That's 18. Does that hit? An 18. No, yeah, an 18 just hits. What does that do? Okay, cool. That does eight damage. All right, so you draw purple signs in the air,

form a bolt of warlock eldritch energy, and it blasts one of them. It falls, tumbling backwards into the smoke and steam. The next one up is Bethany, who pulls out her holy avenger longsword and attacks twice. One of her attacks misses. Both of her attacks miss. And now everybody, quickly, raw wisdom saves for me.

What? As the bells continue to ring in the background. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Bushu got a one, and Baston, wow. I'm double fisting here. Shit. Baston passed.

Yep. 14. What do you mean passed? What did you get? Just, like, come on. You passed, did you? You passed. 14, one.

But Bushu failed. I got 14, yep. 11. 11, all right, great. In that case, excellent, all right. Nothing happens. Don't worry about it. Don't think too much.

Bobby, you're up next. You can attack. I'm going to cast Misty Step and step behind them so that they... So for my next turn, I'm directly behind them so they can't see me. Okay, great. So I'm essentially hiding.

You fall into the dust, you get behind them, you'll get an attack with Snake Attack on your next turn. Busha, you're up. I'm going to cast Synaptic Static,

a fifth level spell, and I'm going to use a Metamagic to shape it so it doesn't attack my dudes. Do you know what I mean? It's a metamagic to shape it so it doesn't attack my dudes. Do you know what I mean? It's a metamagic. I know it's in here somewhere.

I just can't find it right now. It's not going to attack you, did you say? No, no, no. Oh, you're going to use metamagic? Yeah, great. Yeah, I'm doing the metamagic, so it's a careful spell. But what's the spell? It's called synaptic static.

All right, great. So like synaptic brain stuff zaps the dudes. They've got to make a DC 18 intelligence save. All right, one. So like synaptic brain stuff zaps the dudes. They've got to make a DC 18 intelligence save. All right, one of them succeeds. Two of them fail. The other two take, how much is it? 36 damage. It's a fifth level spell, brother.

All right, great. That kills two of them. Yeah. The other one howls. Dude, you killed a dog. Yeah, yeah. Whoops. The other one howls, gets back up on his feet. It's looking angry. It still hasn't noticed that Bobby's behind him. Logan, you killed a dog. Yeah, yeah. Whoops. The other one howls, gets back up on his feet.

It's looking angry. It still hasn't noticed that Bobby's behind him. Logan, you're up. How close do you reckon this dog is to being dead? It's about half dead. Okay, I'm going to use a flaming spear spell. Level two. Because I think, wow, ice.

What's bad for ice? Fire. Dexterity 16 saving, please. 16 save. All right. It makes it successful, unfortunately. Half damage. The bad thing is I don't cast a lot of spells as a druid,

so I've never actually done this before, but I don't know where the damage is on this sheet. He's just waving his paper. It's fine. We'll call it 48. Mr. Speaker, I say that the dexterity 16 saving is absolutely inappropriate for this time of year. It's fine. We'll call it 48. Mr Speaker, I say that the Dexterity 16, David, is absolutely inappropriate for this time of year. It's fine, we'll just do it.

We'll average it to your level, nine points of damage, which means that it is still up. It's now its turn as it turns around and attacks you, Logan. It attacks you with its Consume Warp attack, but it rolls and it fails. However, it uses its bonus action. It does a Sub-Zero Howl, and it screams in pain as its allies here,

two more of the wolves, sneak forward. And the next one up is Friezo. I'll Eldritch Blast it again, Dave. Yeah, great. Do it again. Cha-cha-cha. That's a 19.

19 hits, yep. And then damage. That's six damage. Yep, great. Bethany. Sorry, that's 12 damage. 12 damage hits and that kills it. Now there's only two of them left.

Bethany attacks with the Holy Long Sword. Hits once, only once successfully. Does 18, 21. 12 damage hits and that kills it. Now there's only two of them left. Bethany attacks with a holy longsword. Hits once, only once successfully. Does 18, 21 points of damage. Bobby, you're up. Okay, I'm going to get it with my Moontouch sword. It hits for 27. This is a sneak attack. So that's 8 damage plus 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,

12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 damage. So cute that you count like that, but well done. It's a lot of manual dice. Also, I'm dual wielding character sheets, so come with some slack. Does 15 hit? What are you talking about dual wielding character sheets?

You've only got Bobby. Ginger and Bobby. Speaking of, my compatriots should not have to dual wield character sheets. I find it inappropriate. Does 15 hit? 15 does not hit, which means, Logan, you're up. Do the flame spear again. Flame spear again. I'm going to do it.

Fuck you guys. I'm going to do it. Yeah, let's rock it. Dexterity 16, please, sir. Yep, 16, did you say? Yep. Yep, unfortunately that misses as well, which means that we're back to Freezo for his third attack.

What about Kit Gingerson who hasn't had a go? Sorry, what did you say? Kit hasn't had a go? Who's Kit? Kit Gingerson. None of you at this moment remember or know who Kit Gingerson is. What? None of you have ever heard of Kit Gingerson.

But I got a go before. Kit Gingerson doesn't exist anymore. That's surprisingly easy for me. Yeah. So table talk for a second. Since the first round, all of you have forgotten that Kindersen exists. Ever since you all made wisdom saves. So.

What about Baston? We forgot him too? Yeah. You said you succeeded, but you rolled a 15 and a 15 was not enough. I'm sorry. What do we need to get? You know what? That's my prerogative, okay? So, as I said, one of them is almost dead. The other one's left. Frieza, you're up.

You can do one more stab if you want. Yeah, I'll stab it one last time. That's an 18. Does that hit? An 18 hits, yep. And then damage is 7. 7 hits is enough to kill that. The last one looks at you all, snapping, is about to dive towards Bobby who's revealed himself in the shadows,

when you suddenly hear a roaring whoosh of Prometheum and barrelling down a side corridor coming towards you at a tremendous speed is what seems to be a sled that has been jury-regged with rockets and a huge hopper of fuel. It barrels, crashes into a corridor, scattering relics across the corridor and smashes into the dog and the doorway and hatch that led you into this basement, eliminating and blocking off this final dog

which snaps, screams and howls at you and barreling down behind it in front of you in the wake of this Promethean steam and gas is the figure of an old senior citizen in a burrito-stained Yilmaz King outfit of Reggie Stubbs who yells, Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Yilmaz! And pulls you all into a storage closet.

What? What the fuck is going on? First of all, can I just say you did a good job. Thank you. Who are you? Well, and he's wearing like, you know, he's got his fake beard on and all that. He takes off his fake beard to reveal a resplendent real beard. And he takes off his shitty costume to reveal a slightly nicer costume. Wow.

And he was like, that was very hot. Yeah. Underneath all that. Doesn't matter who I am. With a twinkle in his eyes and the sound of sleigh bells in his step. Because he's sweeps from a Coca-Cola. But you're all in a lot of danger.

I've been waiting for you for a while. Now, you surely must have... One and a half episodes almost, you might say. Yeah, you might even say. Because I thought you'd be here earlier, to be honest. But I think you got caught up doing the bunch of bullshit. You guys noticed, surely, that something's weird about this mall, right?

Yeah, they wouldn't let me burn it down. Yeah, I mean, that's a sort of standard mall thing, I think. Any sort of mall in the country, they'll sort of frown upon. What about like a Westfield? Yeah, no, Westfield, they'll get pretty cross. Ah. But have you noticed how empty it is?

Half the shops are gone. People are just disappearing. Well, that's just the economy. It's online shopping, really. Well, that's what I thought at first. But no one seems to notice or remember anything. As he says this, he's actually taking off his second resplendent Yilmaz coat. And he's beginning to unbutton it, revealing a sort of burly chest underneath.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, we're not? Okay. No, put it back. Put it back. And as he takes it off, he's like, but I think I figured it out. I'm as confused as you guys, but check this out. I doubt it. And he drops his robes and he is, every inch of his skin is tattooed.

You can see written across the Yilmaz King's chest in huge words, small phrases written hurriedly with crooked hand. The halls are empty across the one bicep. Too many are missing down his abdomens. The bell sound before she sings is written around his neck, around one of his nipples in a circle. When you hear her song, it is too late. just on his belly, the tattoos help me remember. We're doing memento. And then just sort of... Yes, Michael, we are.

As a sort of tramp stamp at the back, we will stop them together. Is there just one inner West, like, stick and poke of a rat sucking its own dick? And he's like, I don't know why I did that. There's also the Stussy S at one point. I think I can only assume that the Stussy S was when I was trying to figure out how to do it all.

You know what I mean? It's like a big Japanese country on his back as well. Have you done these tattoos on yourself? Yes. Is that crazy? What? Because when you do it on yourself, do you have to do it mirrored? So you can read it in a mirror? Or do you do it on yourself, do you have to do it mirrored? So you can read it in a mirror?

Or do you read it, like how do you, because Freezo, freezof, freezo Here's the thing Because how do you read the one on your back? I don't remember doing any of these But why do you remember his name then? He turns around and he shows, and it's written on his thigh, it says The annoying blue one is Friso.

I'm not blue anymore. Yeah, but you're kind of coarse. And then that's crossed out and in fresher ink it says, the blue one is pink now. Wait, wait, wait. Are there other tattoos on him that look like traditional tattoos? No. Just the stussy. Just the sussie.

Just the sussie but even that The sussie's quite tasteful. The sussie was maybe done by a good hand. Okay. Can I roll a perception check? Yeah.

Or an insight. What are you trying to understand? I'm trying to see if I recognise this motherfucker. That's a nine. You would recognise him the way that all children

of Faerun would recognise him because this is the Yulmus King. Reggie Stubbs was a nine. You would recognise him in the way that all children of Faerun would recognise him, because this is the Yulmus King. Reggie Stubbs was a cover. This is the actual mythical figure, the warlord who bested the Krampus Hordes at the Battle of Skull Pass. He who ruled with the Yulmus Queen 400 terrible years of bloodshed and presence and cinnamon. This is the Yulmus King. You're the actual Yulmus King And then he puts the fake beard back on

and goes, or am I? Well, where'd he go? Nah, he takes it off. So you're the actual Yilmiss King. And then he takes his real beard off and there's a fake beard underneath it. And he goes, oh! Oh!

I bet he takes that off and there's another beard. I'm so hot. Now, he has currently dragged you all into a small storage cupboard that looks like it's been barricaded from the inside. Someone has improvised a beam over the door to lock it. I'm sorry, I don't have any functional pants to hide my arse in. There is a small military-style cot and a stove in the corner. There is a table with two bowls, two plates, two knives, two forks, two cups.

There is a small desk on the wall with an industrial tattoo gun. I figure that I've been working on this on my own for a very long time. At least three weeks. Two plates is wishful thinking, isn't it, mate? What? What? Huh? Do you want to share this burrito?

Oh, I bloody love a burrito. Tell you what. Alright, I'm distracting. Go on, please. Why did you choose tattoos and not like pen and ink? Excuse me? Like, why wouldn't you just write it down on a piece of paper and be like, motherfucker. And then he looks

and then he looks on his calf and it just says, use pen and paper. And he's like, why did I put it there? Why did I put it there? It's like so dramatic. You're always so dramatic, but you could just write it down in a book. We have books. The technology of books exists.

Can I tell you, there's a smiggle upstairs. There's three stationary shops in this Westfield. I understand. But can I tell you? When I saw you today, Friso, Frisophocin, it doesn't quite work. This is going to get very timey-wimey for a second. I thought I was just the Yulmus King. It doesn't quite work. This is going to get very timey-wimey for a second. I thought I was just the Yulmus King bringing cheer to a mall,

as I assume that I've thought every other day. And then I took off my robe and I saw my arm. And on my arm it said, read the other arm. And I went, what's all that about? And I looked at it. That's a wasted tattoo. Yeah. And I said, read your leg. So I read my leg and it said, trust me, I'm you.

And I went, all right, what the fuck? And I went into the bathroom and I got all naked. And I saw all this. What he's referring to of course is that the Yulmus king is one of his powers that when he stole when he ate the still beating heart of the Krampus he gained the

power to know when champions are coming so that he could utilise them for Yulmus quests. One day he obviously realised that the six of you would be here to find whatever is haunting this well market. Yeah, and I think I figured it out. Was it Bastogne?

What? Never mind, sorry. I was just trying to play along. It's good that he's here. Hello. Hello. What's haunting the market? He's got a tattoo between his knuckles that's like,

Bastogne is the nice one. Yeah, Bastogne's good. Yeah, veryod's good. Very good needlework there. That must have been in week three. Because a lot of this is dog shit. Look, I know I've just woken up after 400 years, but I'm a little lost. Listen, there's something in the well market.

Okay. I think I came here to kill it. Well, let's kill it. Forget what? Don't know what I've forgotten. As it says written over him, it's the bell sound before she sings. When you hear the song, it is too late. The song makes you forget.

Okay. No doubt. And I think this creature has made its nest somewhere in the plaza, and that's the genius of it. We could have already seen it. We've forgotten that we've seen it. Do you understand? Are you saying that one of us could be the creature?

No, I'm not saying that at all. If you see it and she's... Are you the creature? If you see the creature and she's singing, you wouldn't even notice. You might walk into her and fall over, and you wouldn't even notice. You might walk into her and fall over and you wouldn't even know. Yeah, he has a tattoo that says exactly that.

It's a she, so don't worry. This is a complete sausage fest. There's absolutely no chance it's one of us. Except for Bethany, who's definitely here. Hello, I'm still here. I've been very quiet this adventure, but that's because I had some taffy. I've been very quiet this adventure but that's because I had some taffy

well maybe maybe we should split up that seems smart maybe that way only half of us will forget that sounds like a great idea no I think we've got to stay together we've got to stay together

okay okay listen though the one thing and if you look at the tattoo on my balls do you want to see the tattoo let's all take a good look do you want to see the tattoo yeah pull it taut let's have a look there it is look at the tattoo on my balls. Do you want to see the tattoo? Let's all take a good look. Do you want to see the tattoo on my... Yeah, pull it taut.

Let's have a look. There it is. Look at the small of my back. Yeah. I don't know why I bloody... That would have hurt a lot. You know what I mean? A lot of the journeys of your tattoo body

start around the taint. Yeah, just like... What's the mechanics of tattooing your own balls with stretching them t tall with one hand Presumably while you're being chased by some kind of monster Yeah, I'm really impressed with myself to be honest To be able to do this But I think I've fought it

I think I've fought it once And I think I, well, I know I survived But I think while I was fighting it I managed to take one of my Yulmus sleigh bells and throw it around her neck. So now we know that when we hear the bloody sound, she's near. All right.

Let's lions and tigers and bears owe my this shit. So you're ready to leave this little haven and make your way back up to the main plaza? We're listening for sleigh bells. Father Jormus, who looks at you and is about to walk with you when he suddenly steps and staggers, and he quickly puts his hand on his thigh and tries to hide, but you can see that he's been badly injured

while running towards you. Oh, no. Oh, it's nothing, guys. Which is funny because he's nude, so I don't know how you missed that. He's been naked for hundreds of all the dead dudes. But before you go... He can't come with you.

I can't. I guess old habits die hard. So... Die... I didn't mean to do that. I was going to say... Okay. Stop it. I'm so... I really just... Sorry'm sorry everyone Ben just is fucking obsessed with die hard references

and it's just sad I've got some presents for you once I ate the heart of the Krampus And started anticipating What are we getting present wise? I'd love a gift He knew you were coming as I said And as is his power

Once he knew that the Yulmus champions Were on their way He had the power To manifest you all Gifts Bobby Which he has done And I have for you

Oh my god it's a my god, it's a gift. I hope it's a new bike. Bobby Pancakes, this is from me. The almost king. Logan the huge. Just going left to right. Congratulations, it's a portable hole.

So you get... It's a small piece of fabric. If you smooth it out... I know what a portable hole is, Dave. All right, Roger Rabbit, you've got it. Exactly, it's yours now. Bugs Bunny. And Logan, I haven't forgotten you. Thank you, you're my king.

Congratulations, it's a second chance globe. So you get a snow globe and you can see it spinning what looks like a star in the centre of a vertex. If you ever crush it in your hand, the entire plane of existence that you're on goes back in 18 seconds in time and nobody knows except for you. You've got to hold it.

It's one use. You get one go with it. And Bastogne. I've got six clockwork soldiers. Oh, I think you'll like these a lot, Bastog. These are small clockwork soldiers. He's really getting into it. He's doing his shopping centre bullshit.

They have a brass key that you keep that winds them up, which gives them about ten minutes of locomotion and think works before they wind down and fall asleep wherever they are. Right. They are so tiny that one point of damage will kill them. They can't do more than one point of damage with the toy swords. But they can listen. They can report back and they call you the general.

Let's go, boys. And Friso. Friso, I haven't forgotten about you. Friso opens his envelope and there's just a bunch of white powder in there. No, no, no. Congratulations. It's a Glock 22 40mm handgun

And 15 180 groin hollow point rounds There's a grain hollow point rounds It's a standard magazine I thought they were like dick seeking rounds Well I suppose the heart wants what the heart wants Friso it's the same gun that Tommy Lee Jones had in The Fugitive. Thank you, Krampus King. He gives a small...

That's not what... That's the opposite of what I am. I killed the... What the fuck? That's like calling Jesus the Pontius Pilate guy. Well, thank you, Pontius Pilate. He looks around and then he looks sad for a second as if everything that he hoped didn't happen and transpire.

And then he pulls out one more gift, a long, small, thin gift about the size of a ruler. And it has a card on it. It has a card on it and it says to Filge from the Yulmus King. And he gives it to Bobby. Now you know the old thing. That's not what he sounds like

but he's putting on a thing. You know the old thing about opening other people's presents. If you open somebody else's presents I'll rip your fucking balls off. And then stares at him while he hands him a present

that doesn't belong to him. When Filch is backed, this is from me for her. Right off. His hand just slides down to cover his genitalia. Is Bobby putting it in his backpack? Just putting it into his pocket.

All right, you slip the little package... With Filch. ...into your pocket with Filch, in smold as she is inside your pocket. And with that, the Yulmus king sits down heavy, his looking white with blood gushing between his hands as he pulls a compress against his thigh and he throws the key to the barricaded door

to you, Bastard. And just as he throws the thing and he has the compress there and he looks over at the two bowls and the double bed and there's a picture of him and Mrs. Yulma's queen and he's like,

the damnedest thing. I could have sworn there was someone living with me. And then he twinkles into stardust and disappears. Well, Merry Yulmus, everyone. Thank you very much! And everybody dies. Well, Merry Yulemas, everyone. Thank you very much!

And everybody dies. Okay. All right, men. And I turn on one of my... You're going to wind up as Thinkworks? Yeah, my clockwork, so to speak. Sir, yes, sir. Report for duty, sir. Reconnaissance duty.

I want you to spread out through the supermarket. I want you to bring back any report of sleigh bells. Do you understand me? You heard the man, maggots. No matter how many of you die, we will fulfill our mission. Roll out! And the six little clockwork men

start walking down the one corridor leading... Because the problem is, is still, don't forget, you have a barricaded door leading up to the hatch. Okay, well, wait a second. Sir, sir, we discovered

some kind of sleigh impacted on the hatch, sir. All right, well, let's get out of here. Seems that our egress is limited. And another one of the little clockwork men on the other side says, Sir, we've identified a ladder leading up. It appears to be some kind of themed restaurant, sir. Great work, men.

Go through the themed restaurant. Do not be distracted by the colorful decorations. I repeat, do not be distracted and return with decorations. I repeat, do not be distracted and return with reconnaissance. Yes, sir. They run away and ten minutes later you hear them. Let me see how many of them survive. Ooh. You know that once they're dead, they're dead for good.

Okay, they're clockwork. Who gives a fuck? Well, you're lucky. All six of them come back and they go, because their think works are starting to Great job, men. I care about every one of you. Their think works are starting to wind down. He's like, sir, yes, sir. We have found our way through the restaurant. The doors still seem active.

Your escape is possible through the main stage. Do not engage the good time jamboree. Great job, man, in my pocket. Alright, Bobby. Did they find any sleigh bells? No, they didn't, but they know the way out. Yeah, they do. So you can take this ladder if you want. Okay, let's take the ladder.

Who's leading the way? I'll lead the way sneakily. Yeah, Bobby goes sneaky. Alright, so you start sneaking through this old themed restaurant past the arcades, long in disrepair. You can see most of it has been bound up in sheets and packing tape and there is an old disused animatronic band on the stage.

Of course there fucking is, Dave Harvey. Which the theatre, which is abandoned and is not going to come to life. I know, but it's just become a horrible little stiffy just saying that. I like the aesthetic, all right? I like the aesthetic. It's just, it's just become a horrible little stiffy just saying that. I like the aesthetic. All right? I like the aesthetic. It's defunct chic. So you walk through the stage.

So you can make your way to the stage if you want. You're going to have to go through the band. That's what he's saying, through the back doors. All right. Is everyone following him or is Bobby just... Yeah, we're just letting him go 30 feet ahead because he's sneaky. Great. So can you make for me a stealth check, please, Bobby Pancakes?

Okay. Sneaky. Sneaky. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. That's a 25. Oh, great. That's the sneakiest. You sneak your way forward through the restaurant

and you start getting ahead of yourself as you head back upstairs. Soon you can't hear the others behind you though you're traveling at a speed that you think that they can follow you but you've lost contact do you want to keep going or do you want to double back um you're traveling at a pretty reasonable speed i'll keep going and i'll come back if there's any great all right you sneak forward further and you make your way back towards the main plaza being very very careful and as you do because you rolled a 25 let me just do an opposed okay great you make your way back to that mound

of bones and carcasses that is the lovingly rendered battle of the crampus hordes and for the first time you find yourself truly looking at that mound of sawdust and old sewn clothes and you can see though its back is towards you that there is a bulbous grotesque figure what looks like a sack of skin and organs with large tendrils wrapped lazily around it intertwined in the fabric with two powerful tentacles wrapped around the thrones at the top of the village and three heads lolling and slumbering. And as you look at them, one of those heads shifts and snorts as if in sleep

and there is a loud clang of sleigh bells. Its back is facing towards you and it has not noticed you, but you fear if you move, it will hear you and awake. Your friends are still behind you. You don't know where they are. Has anyone seen Bobby? I can't, I haven't heard him.

He was so stealthy. We're going to stay with Bobby for a while because he's a little bit ahead of everyone. Okay. So I'm going to stay with Bobby for a while because he's a little bit ahead of everyone. Okay. So I'm going to be very, very quiet. What's around me? Am I just like in the forecourt of the mall? You're at the Yulmus Village in the main plaza.

So the centerpiece is the display where the thrones are and the replica of the battle. There's also a lemonade concession stand. There's like a boost juice the replica of the battle. There's also a lemonade concession stand. There's like a boost juice. All of these abandoned. And there's also one of those places that's called like mobile phones to go. But it's for sending stones. Okay.

You get like a case for your sending stone. But it doesn't fit. It's the wrong type. I'm going to misty step and I'm going to misty step back out of the view and probably sort of sound range of the

It has to be somewhere you can see. Run away. So you're going to have to turn around. You're still going to have to move. It's a lot less movement. You're just going to have to turn around if you want to go backwards. Okay. I'm going to sound step to the sending stone kiosk.

Okay, behind it. That puts something between you and the bulbous form. Okay. You bamf and you stand and you're behind it. And now you can see that this figure is not so much asleep as sort of idly sitting, lolling its head and toying with something in front of it, wrapping it mechanically with two tentacles

that are pulling a kind of gossamer strand around a figure that you now recognise is the supine form of Kit Gingerson, who is being enwrapped in webbing. And as you turn around and see, you can see blithely the dragon friends. And do you think it would be fair at this moment, after nine years, if we just assume that if you haven't told me that you're walking quietly, you're doing what you normally do, which is strutting. Is that fair?

Could we agree at this moment that when the dragon friends adventure, they strut? Yes. Yes. at this moment that when the dragon friends adventure they strut yes yes so beyond its vision but you can see essentially singing staying alive

in their heads the figure of the dragon friends walking just kicking things along the way one of them you know what

Friso's found Fris Baston's found a soccer ball and he's trying to do that thing with his knees I'm juggling okay dex check.

Here we go. Athletics. Oh, yeah, I got plus seven athletics. It's great, but it's low. I'm eight. Bang, bang, bang. Nine, ten. I'm going to grab a sending stone,

presuming they're around. Yes, there are some sending stones. And just, like, throw one at the group. Great. All right, who are you throwing it to? Logan. At the glob. Logan, make for me a dexterity check.

No, I'd love to. This is a heavy one. Yeah. Where did you get this one from? Seven. Plus one. You throw a sending stone and it clonks. That's eight.

It clonks Logan in the head. He's a little way away from the rest of the group. It spins around. There is a dash of sleigh bells as the thing turns, spins around and spots Logan, thinking that the noise has come from him. And as it spins, three heads spin around, each of them a horrifying, terrible face wrapped in a veil,

sneak around. As they snake down the ground, they seem to grow. The creature does not need to move. Its neck stretches like taffy as the three heads start to slither towards Logan and one of them begins to sing. Immediately, make for me a wisdom save,

Logan. Reaction? Can I count us, Bill? You don't know what's happening. The only person who can take a reaction, I will let Bobby take a reaction. Fine. That's eight. Eight only person who can take a reaction. I will let Bobby take a reaction. Fine. That's eight.

Eight. And Logan, you immediately notice a really cool bag. Awesome. Which you can have if you want. It's in one of the displays of a shop that's closed for no good reason. I suppose I want the bag? Well, you can't remember why you came to these shops, but it would make sense that you came here to get a bag.

Yeah, well, I came to these shops and, you know, it's closed, but they wouldn't mind if I took it. So how would you at this moment like to use your entire action for the round? I want to grab the bag. All right. Congratulations. You get a bag. Hell yeah.

The rest of you all see Logan move and start taking a bag. I would let you all make checks because you would think this was normal. But again, for the dragon friends, unfortunately, it is. Do I get an action? You can have a reaction. I'm going to use my final spell slot? No, no, it's a reaction. You can speak or you can do something that's a reaction.

But you can't use an action at this point. Otherwise, we're going to go to Friezo. Okay, go to Friezo. Is it a satchel or is it like a backpack? It's like... You know what? It's a combination satchel-backpack, so it comes with a little stand.

You didn't have to put a spell on me for me to grab that bad boy. You can also write that down in your character sheet. You can take that to the bank. That's yours. Does Friso recognise what kind of creature this is? Are you looking at the creature? Are you looking at the creature? Are you listening to the creature?

I heard the sleigh bells. I guess I would see it from behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want, you can look at it. No, it feels like if I look at it, you're going to do something. No, you're allowed to look at it. There was nothing on the old man's belly said you couldn't look at it. Okay, I look at it.

Do I recognise what kind of creature it is? Yeah, you think that it looks to you like a creature of hell, like it has grown out of a lemur, something from the lower levels of hell. It's hard to tell because you can't see its faces because they're covered in veils. Maybe I will try one of my new spells. Does it look undead at all?

It looks infernal. Not undead. Okay, I'm going to cast Hold Monster on this spell. Oh, yeah, I'll let that work. So it needs to make, I think, an intelligent saving throw or something? Yep, it's quite intelligent. It rolled an 18, 24, which unfortunately means it succeeds, but it doesn't mean that it's seen you.

And the second of its three heads spins around, slithers towards you as a reaction, and sings in your face. I need you to make for me a wisdom save. Wisdom saving throw. I'll just want to use this again. That's a fucking nat 20, Dave. Once in every generation there is born a special child, a gifted child. A child with the blood of the Yhormis king in his veins,

a child whose magic is so potent, the chosen one, if you will, the most special little boy whose blood and life is so special that he is immune to the magics, not just this round, permanently immune to the charm magic, Vlasteria Obstrix, which means that you can see what's happening, you can act, you can try and shake people out of it. Her magic has no hold on you, Friso, and you instantly see and understand

that this is your great adversary and what must be done. That bad's ugly! What? And I react to that by going, well, who said... Who are you? Right? No, no, no, going, who said, who are you? Right? No, no, no.

She hasn't eaten him, so you remember him still. But he's just said your bag is ugly. You piece of shit, motherfucker. I'll fucking kill you. Logan dives at you and you start wrestling. Meanwhile, Bastogne, you're up. You cannot see that a fight has broken out

and that there's something in front of you. You look I'm a little rusty What do I do now? Anything you want I'm charging in Flurry of blows Make an attack

I'm attacking I'm going in Oh yeah 15 1 misses 2 What's the arm o'clock? Thank you.

Thank you very much for asking me that. It's very nice of you. 24. No, 17. Yes, yes. Yeah, four hits, dude. All right, great. Do them. Yeah, I'll give you the maths in a second.

All right, so Bastogne starts punching, punching, punching, kicking, biting, and attacks you. As he does, the third face slithers up in Bastogne's face. Make for me this quickly a wisdom saving throw. That's a two. Baston, you suddenly notice the boost juice and it has been 400 years since you have felt refreshed

and quenched. You cannot remember why you came to this place. I'm so parched. Baston makes his way and starts pouring himself a juice which will take the next D3 actions. That's two of your actions. The next one up is Bobby Pancakes. I'm going to cast, using my last spell slot, Phantasmal Force.

So you need to do an intelligence saving throw and get 11. It fails. Okay, so there's a 10-foot cube around it that is perceivable only to the target, which is of the empty forecourt. So it sees nothing anymore around it. It is perfectly as if it is completely empty, even though we are standing around.

All right, Listeria Obstrix thinks that all of you have vanished. She fails her intelligence test, which means that she squeals in pain, not her dread song. So that she squeals in pain, not her dread song. So she just squeals in pain and she flails as her bells go everywhere and everyone who's currently charmed gets a chance to make one more wisdom saving throw.

Wisdom. 20, yeah! Well done. 17 plus. 17 plus is enough, which means you all pass. 11. And Bobby, you've done the spell, you've successfully trapped her, and now you think you're just practising your spell on an empty forecourt

as you have the glazed expression, continue to maintain the spell, but cannot hear anyone around you. I just put my portable hole down and get half in it. Yeah, 10 feet down into the ground. I suppose it's a kind of pillbox. So, the rest of the dragon friends, however, are all up As Bethany looks at it Also fails with a two

This is no time for juice And Baston looks around and he sees a scoop of boba And he just starts ramming it in his ears Great Just as many boba as he can, putting them in his ears You deafen yourself with boba? Yeah, yeah, yeah Alright, it's dry, it's uncomfortable

But it works What about you, Friso? I'm gonna cast Witch Bolt at this thing, this creature. What's its armor class again? It's a 17. 17. That's a 16 plus. That'll work. 16 plus will work. Yeah, plus charisma.

That's 21. Yep. So that hits. So I'll do 2d12 worth of damage. Every round. D12. This one? Yeah, okay. So that's 14 damage.

14 points of damage. That hits. She screams in pain and shock, surprised as she seems to be being attacked from all sides, but she cannot see where they're coming from. Logan? Is the bells the thing that's charming? It's the song that she sings, yeah.

Oh, okay. I'm going to cast Grasping Vine around those heads. All right, you start twisting vines around them. You attack her. Is it dexterity save? 16, yeah. All right, each head. Two of them fail.

Three, three, and a 20, which is weird, which means that one of the heads is released, but two more of them are smothered by vines and start to sink down into the mounds of Krampus, which means that there is only one of the heads left as it spins around, desperately trying to see you all, and it gets a second chance on its turn to break through the spell, and it succeeds as your prismatic cube shatters,

re-alerting you to the reality of the room, but also re-alerting her as she turns, looking at all of you for someone to sing, but before she can, Baston, you have your next action. A Booshu, actually. Booshu? Arrives late. Booshu is going to try and polymorph this thing

into a turtle. A turtle? Yeah, like a little turtle. Like a terrapin. Yeah, like a terrapin, like a little pet. All right, well... DC16 wisdom save. Yeah, and she has a plus nine, but that's a two, so...

I'm good at D&D. I'm so good at D&D. Hey, Dad, go to the video notes where it said she turns into a turtle. Let me just... Just super quick. All right, so she shrinks down to about a two and a half inch terrapin, pops in the air and falls down at the feet of Bastogne and now it is Bastogne's go.

That is absolutely an Emperor's New Groove thing in your head, by the way. The way that that just happened, like... It was, yeah, it was like... I want you to know that Logan looks and goes, what are you going to do with that? What are you going to do? Well, I, this little guy doesn't have a home. And it looks like you've got a bag with nothing in it.

Do you want to take care of it? I just want to remind you that polymorph lasts for approximately a minute. Well. So don't. That's a problem for later us. Don't adopt a pet that you're not prepared to take care of for more than 59 seconds. Well, what about that hole that Bobby's got? You drop it in the hole. Sure.

Well, I've climbed out of the hole by this point. And then what are you going to do with the portable hole? I would drop it in the hole. Sure. Well, I've climbed out of the hole by this point. And then what are you going to do with the portable hole? I would drop it in the hole, fold the hole up. Yeah. What happens if you, like, put a hole on the ground, put something in the hole, and then take the hole away? Is that what you're doing? Yeah.

Okay. Are you disappointed we used the tools that you gave us to solve the problem? Sorry, Dave. The Archfiend Listeria Obstrix, the tools that you gave us to solve the problem? Sorry, Dave. The archfiend Listeria Obstrix, forged 500 years ago in terrible torment and pain in the first circle of the nine circles of hell who ascended to such clarifying and edifying heights as queen of nightmares of the Nessian courts of the damned,

who distinguished herself in the wars against the Tarasque, those infernal wars that claimed so many devilish lives, who lived a powerful life in the underworld with but one promise, a promise that one day Bethany Smiles would serve her, has found herself in the last six seconds having a very bad day, seconds having a very bad day as she is turned into a small novelty turtle of the type given by distant

fathers to bored children and then placed ten feet into the concrete of a paved over desert anorak in a hole that is then removed from reality.

The last thing she thinks is bother. Because this has been the final and greatest moment yet of those terrible, terrible adventurers that they call the dragon friends. And as the even song gives its way to night and the well market is closed,

Bobby holds out a hand to Bastogne, who holds out a hand to Bethany, who holds out a hand to Logan, who holds out a hand back to Bobby while Friso watches benignly. He's just like got a blindfold on and he's taking the cap out and then putting it back in with his gun.

How'd I do? As Bastogne, Boba falling from his ears, reaches around an old abandoned cart and pulls out a boost juice and hands one to each of the dragon friends and they think to themselves what a wonderful

time of year. Thank you! Make some noise for Michael Hay! Aidan Lacey! Ben Jenkins! Tom Cuddy Simon Greiner and of course your

DM David Harmon and Nick Harrod on the king our producer Shakira Khan thanks to Rob and the Vanguard and everyone. Have a wonderful YOMAS. See you next time.

Bye, everyone. YOMAS, everyone. You should have made it more challenging, Dave. We are waiting for everyone else to come back. Yeah. Do you remember, what was it? I think it was the last one of these you did. The last one of these you weren't here

because you were recovering from surgery. Luckily I didn't need to have surgery. That's not the funny bit, that's the nice bit of the story. I was put on morphine, however, and it's fucking good. But I didn't think too much about it until I got home. And at this point I'd been on morphine for about two days. And then the first time when I was off morphine, I was lying in bed.

And I opened up my phone. And my phone was on Google on a search result for list of inspector gadgets gadgets. for list of Inspector Gadget's gadgets. Which I had no memory of typing into or why. I don't think I've ever really thought about Inspector Gadget. But off my nut, I had decided that I needed like quantifiable proof of all the inventions that he has. And we, joking around, assumed that it was because you were going to be like, while I'm under, Doc,

can you give me a propeller hat or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the full gadget special. Yes. Do to me what Dr. Claw did to him. So I... Anyway, I didn't think too much about this. I told just a few friends in a group chat,

and I still don't fucking know who this is, but every two weeks to the day since that has happened, I get Inspector Gadget shit mailed to me. And here's the fucking thing of it. The people that are buying it or the person that's buying it is filling in the slips to make me think I've ordered it. So, so, so far... Well, I think probably the most rational explanation.

So far, I received... I got, like, a little pop cap doll, and I didn't think... I was like, ha-ha, that's funny. And then I got a DVD... I don't even own a DVD player. I got Matthew Broderick in Inspector Gadget. I then was sent a Chinese... You've got to go French Stewart in Inspector Gadget. Maybe that's in the post.

Stop invoking French Stewart in Inspector Gadget. Maybe that's in the post. Stop invoking French Stewart in Inspector Gadget. I got a knock-off Chinese Bricklands Lego kit, and I couldn't actually work out how to get the manual, but I did notice the Lego kit comes with a propeller hat. But then I also got sent a costume.

I got sent a horrifying Inspector Gadget costume. My question, which I would like to ask now amongst many of the people that are in that group chat, is which one of you fuckers is it? Because I assumed it was Jordan Raskopoulos. Dave, I have something to admit. I couldn't afford any of those things.

I just don't have the funds. I have to narrow it down. It's somebody that likes to waste money because this stuff is not... Again, it's been set up to make me think I order it, so I get receipts for everything. It's deeply weird. Why do you think

it isn't Jordan? Because this is textbook Jordan. I think it's Jordan, so I got Jordan's ex-wife to... No, it's... They're friends. I was going crazy. I had to dive deep into this. So I got her ex-wife to check in on what they were doing

while I knew that something was coming, and I found out that they were out, and so the timelines don't work. So it's not Jordan. Interesting. And then I thought it was Demi. Yeah, it has the smell of Demi on it. It could be Demi and Ladner

but a lot of the email addresses use an old email I only had when we were all at uni and I don't think Demi knows that email address are you suggesting the wishing well that we all gave to is going to inspect a gadget costume then I thought it was Hing but then I thought that fundamentally

even though this is bullying this is still gifts. And I don't think... Interesting. I don't think a joke starts or ends with Hing giving somebody a lot of gifts and not taking credit for it. So, I don't know at this point. I don't know who it is.

So, which one of you fuckers is it? I'm stumped. I'm absolutely stumped. I guess you'll get me next time, Gadget.